Preliminary thoughts: Oh my god, I love this story.

It started out in the formulaic Groundhog Day

fashion. Person wakes up, person goes about their day, person falls asleep. Person wakes up,
and it’s the same day, repeated. Shenanigans ensue. You really pulled a 180 on us, and I am
very here for it. I didn’t know what to expect when the story switched over to Don’s perspective,
but I was pleasantly surprised/horrified at the big reveal. It took a turn that subverted my
expectations, which was great. Also, there’s some horror elements in there, too, which I dig?
Like, after we jumped over to Don’s perspective, any number of “days” could have passed for
Victoria. What did she go through during that time to lead her to scoop out her eyeball? ​We
don’t know!​ And that’s what makes it so delicious. The fact that it’s never explained. We only
see the bloody end result.
I’ve read your writer’s note now, and it got me thinking about the alternate endings you
proposed. I think I like the one you chose the best, though. The “growing old and dying while the
entire world remains static” ending has its own brand of existential horror, which would’ve been
fun to see, but like you said, you really just didn’t have the space to cram all that character
development in there.
The opening couple of pages definitely drags a little, as you go into every little bit of daily
minutiae, but that might actually be a good thing to hold onto, maybe? I mean, it was your
intention to have Victoria stuck on a slow day, so it makes sense that the initial description of
the day would be kind of slow. Also, in narratives like these, it’s sort of important that you do all
of the exposition so your reader can pick up on any deviations. So, to sum that whole paragraph
up, while the start of the story ​did​ drag, you might be able to harness that.
And as for your language, it was fine. I know I have that issue too, where I feel like my
writing is repetitive. But from an outsider’s perspective, your language is varied enough.
However, I think it’d be cool to go into even ​more​ detail when you’re describing Victoria’s
mutilated form at the end of the story. Y’know, for extra discomfort points. :)