Murder in the Pines, The First Fire Island Boys Mystery

by Thomas Dieter All Cameras OFF

VARIOUS PLACES. AROUND MIDNIGHT, THURSDAY.

Flashes of different conversations,

texts, videos, photos.

BEACHGOER 1
Wish you were here!

BEACHGOER 2
Check it out

A picture of the beach. People

sunning.

BEACHGOER 3
#islandlife

BEACHGOER 4
Looks like I’m in a similar boat

A picture of some gays in a pool

with giant animal floaties.

BEACHGOER 4 (CONT’D)
What to do what to do
[shrug]
#hardlife
BEACH BOY turns
A private chat window appears for CAMERA ON
DMs.

PRIVATE DM
hey

BEACH BOY DM
hey

PRIVATE DM
sup?

BEACH BOY DM
nm lounging
 2.

A picture pops up; it’s a selfie of

a fine-looking beach boy, laying on
his stomach, his butt puckered up
behind him in the shot.

BEACH BOY DM (CONT’D)

You?

BEACHGOER 5
The trade is real, y’all.

PRIVATE DM
great view
here’s mine

A second picture pops up. Legs, a

pool, the bay just beyond. The
slightest amount of crotch.

BEACH BOY DM
Hey daddy

BEACHGOER 1
Let it be said: there will be dancing.

BEACHGOER 3
No parties--

BEACHGOER 1
Just at businesses.

BEACHGOER 4
Never stopped anybody.

A grainy closeup of two dudes lying

down, kissing on the beach.

BEACHGOER 2
Some of the local fauna in heat

PRIVATE DM
i think you need a closer inspection

BEACHGOER 2
Open season.
 3.

BEACH BOY DM
Yeah?

PRIVATE DM
Yeah
where u at

A grocery store in Long Island BEACH BOY turns

CAMERA OFF
City, Queens. Gabe is walking the
aisles. He has a baby strapped to GABE turns
his chest in a bjorn. He pushes a CAMERA ON
cart with one hand, and talks to
his mom with the other.

GABE
(On the phone.)
Yes. That’s why we’re taking the car. No, the only thing like
that is the ferry, but we ride on top so it’s fresh air. Yes.
I told you: completely required, and our place doesn’t rent
out. It’s me we’re talking about. I gotta go. I can’t talk
and shop at the same time. I know. “Walk and chew gum.” Bye.

Gabe hangs up. He looks at the

meat.

Gabe adds a pack of thighs to his

cart and checks the message.

A notification pops down from

Conrad.
CONRAD turns
CAMERA ON
CONRAD
Okay, I hear what you’re saying, but have you also considered
this point: No! That man is too beautiful to be off the
market. Whatever. Look:

Conrad flips his phone around to

show the pool.

CONRAD (CONT’D)
This is where it’s aaaaat. We’re gonna chill!

He responds.
 4.

GABE
What is with you and the married trade, my God! Everything at
the meat market isn’t for sale, Connie.

CONRAD
Okay Mr. Holier-Than-Thou. My what a shiny choir robe you
have on.

GABE
(Laughing.)
Thank you, I just had it treated. Listen: don’t go changing
your behavior on my account: I mean, I am living vicariously
through you you know. Okay, I’m shopping. Tell me if you need
anything.

CONRAD
No shit you live vicariously through me. Hello. Can you get
me some more lube?

GABE
I’m at Keyfood! You need help, man. I’ll see you later.

Gabe puts his phone away. He CONRAD turns

ignores the next notification. CAMERA OFF

He stares blankly for a moment at

the meat. He grabs a pack of loins.
Then breasts. Then ribs and
sausage. He’s about to wipe an
CHRIS turns
entire shelf into his cart when CAMERA ON
Chris FaceTimes.

CHRIS
Hey hey.

GABE
Hey.

CHRIS
Hey.

GABE
What are you wearing?

CHRIS
Pjs.
 5.

GABE
Ooh, spicy.

CHRIS
Yeah come check ‘em out. Hey, can you get some soda water
from the store? I figure we can just load up since we’ve got
the car.

GABE
Yep.

CHRIS
Thank you.
(Beat.)
My stuff’s on the luggage in the guest bedroom.

GABE
Got it.

CHRIS
Figured that’d be easiest.

GABE
Yep.

CHRIS
Just add your things, good to go.

GABE
Got it. Pack the electric toothbrush?

CHRIS
Yeah either way.

GABE
Cool.
(Beat.)
Oh, they don’t have your yogurt.

CHRIS
Hmm. Maybe the Greek stuff with honey?

GABE
Yep, pretty sure. Lemme look.
 6.

CHRIS
‘kay.

Gabe looks down and sees all the

meat in his cart. He frowns.

PRIVATE DM
?
where u at

BEACH BOY DM
past Nautilus Walk
on the left
u coming to say hi?

CHRIS
Thanks for grabbing all that stuff.

GABE
Sure.

Gabe starts restocking the meats.

CHRIS
I’ll let you go. Oh--

GABE
Yeah?

CHRIS
Did you get Simon and Oscar’s overnight stuff?

GABE
Yep.

CHRIS
The food?

GABE
Yep.

CHRIS
And the formula, right?

GABE
Yes.
 7.

CHRIS
Thanks, love. And if you’re feeling brave, can you tell her
to stop giving Simon whiskey?

GABE
Got it.

CHRIS
He’ll be six and walking around like Ernest Hemingway.

GABE
I got it, I got it.

CHRIS
Ha-ha thank you. See you at home.

GABE
Bye.

CHRIS
Love you. Soda water!

GABE
Got it!
CHRIS turns
Gabe hangs up. The meats are CAMERA OFF
restocked, except for the pig butt
Gabe is still holding.

He stands there in dead space.

Another notification from Conrad
brings Gabe back to life. He checks CONRAD turns
the last two messages. CAMERA ON

CONRAD
(On Polo.)
How was I to know what provisions you were referring to? I’m
good. I got all the alcohol and sunscreen I need. Thanks.

CONRAD (CONT’D)
(Another Polo.)
And hold up. What’s this I hear about some shenanigans down
in Miami? Not another dead hooker, I hope.

Gabe laughs. He responds.

 8.

GABE
What can I say? When it rains, it pours. The Herald actually
got it pretty close this time.
(Laughs to himself.)
It’s just some hot local gos Chris got. It’s pretty good
though, I’ll let him tell it. Speaking of dead hookers,
you’re still alive right? You remember there are other things
you can catch?

CONRAD
Whatever. I’ll party with my regular chances any day. The
vaccine was it for me. Permission granted.

GABE
Thirsty as ever out there I take it?
GABE turns
CAMERA OFF
CONRAD
Is that a joke? The candy bowl is full out here, honey, my
cup runneth over. I mean, I know y’alls is married and all
that. I’m talking about for me. It’s not the same of course,
but please: you can always find trouble if you’re looking for
it.

PRIVATE DM
yup omw

BEACH BOY DM
cum find me

CONRAD
Let me tell you just about the last one: I’m walking down the
beach, looking fine as hell, and this guy is up a ways with
his friends laying stomach down. When I tell you his ass was
floating in air--(reacts like an animal)! I could use those
cheeks to study the weather.
(Breathes for stability.)
I’m walking down the shoreline but that thing keeps on
glinting at me like it’s the damn North Star, so you know I’m
looking right at it. And his head pops up like that thing had
sonar. Pops up like a damn meerkat. He locks in on me and
that is it. What else is there to do? Everything. So I stop
looking at him and vice versa, right, and I keep walking, and
we do that thing where catch each other’s eyes, and I’m
telling you: If looks could fuck, the furniture would be
broken and those sheets would be soaked already honey.
 9.

So now I’m past him, but I’m walking backwards so I can get
that view and he stands up and walks down to the beach. Like
I said, it’s aleady done, he’s just showing me his enthusiasm
now. So, okay Phase 2, let’s go, and now I’m heading back his
way. I get to him like this.
BEACH BOY turns
Flashback. CAMERA ON

CONRAD
(To the Beach Boy.)
What’s good?

BEACH BOY
Everything now. What’s good with you?

CONRAD
(Inhales deeply.)
Enjoying the view.

BEACH BOY
Anything good?

CONRAD
It’s encouraging. But don’t get me started now if you don’t
mean it ‘cause you might not be ready.

BEACH BOY
Is that right?

CONRAD
You got me thinking ‘bout all kinds of things I could do to
you.

BEACH BOY
Okay. Like what?

CONRAD
(Chuckles to himself.)
Oh I could visit lots of places on you. Are you saying I
should not be thinking about that ass?

BEACH BOY
You want to bounce a penny off it?
 10.

CONRAD
I’m gonna make it bounce in all kinds of ways. I will make
sure you thoroughly enjoy yourself.

BEACH BOY
I aim to please.

CONRAD
And I bet you do. You wanna play fetch?

BEACH BOY
You got a stick we can use?

The present.

CONRAD
(To Gabe.)
And I grab myself like that and say, “If you come and get BEACH BOY
it.” Oooh-wee! I back into the water and he comes right in. turns
CAMERA OFF
At first I could tell he didn’t wanna get in the ocean, but
you know he was trying to get that A, so in he comes, his
arms all up like that ‘cause it’s cold and he doesn’t want to
go underwater, and I’m just thinking, “Good God, I am going
to pin him to everything.” He paddles over to me, ooh panting
like that, and getting his body all up over. And that was it.
Trunks come off and his head slides right down under me. I
got him this close to drowing, I swear.
GABE turns
GABE CAMERA ON
Oh my god. I am in a grocery store.

CONRAD
He’s not even my favorite this week.

Gabe can’t look at his phone. He

stands there like he’s stunned.

PRIVATE DM
did i see you at the pantry this morning?

BEACH BOY DM
probably
did I see you back?
 11.

PRIVATE DM
maybe not
But i just walked by

BEACH BOY DM
turn around

PRIVATE DM
come here

GABE
I feel like I need to wear a zip-locked bag around you. Thank
god you got your own place.

PRIVATE DM
behind you
in the brambles

GABE
I mean, to be fair, even during normal times I prefer you get
spit-roasted on someone else’s sheets. But I gotta give it to
you, you’ve always been very respectful of my actual
boundaries. So thank you. I can’t say the same for everyone
else in the grocery store, but. The foundation of true
friendship. Thank you.

CONRAD
Hey it’s like I always say: If they’re not willing to host me
at my own spit-roast, they don’t deserve me like that. You
know I always have your back, boo, even when you’re being
paranoid as hell.

BEACH BOY DM
cumming

GABE
(Exhales.)
Thank you. I mean, between the share you got, and my parents
taking Simon and Oscar (thank God!), I feel like Chris and I
actually have a chance of unwinding. And we need it. Okay.
We’re on the 1:30 ferry tomorrow. Don’t forget.

CONRAD
It’s going to be a great week. We are going to relax!
Everybody’s gonna get what they need, okay? Bye bitch.
 12.

GABE
Bye. CONRAD & GABE turn
CAMERAS OFF
Lights out on Gabe.

Silence. Darkness. It’s night time

in the Pines. The meatrack. The
sound of waves.

WHISPER
There you go. That’s a good boy.

BEACH BOY (VOICE)

Time for my inspection?
(Reacting)
God you feel so good.

WHISPER
Yeah I know you want it, right?

BEACH BOY (VOICE)

I do. I want you to give it to me.

WHISPER
Come and let me watch you take it.

The sound of sex.

Then thuds. A gasp and slice.

Rasping, gurgling, liquid.

Footsteps fade. The sound of waves.

THE MEATRACK. 2:13AM, FRIDAY MORNING. ANGELO & STEVENS turn

CAMERAS ON
Detectives Angelo and Stevens stand
over a dead body.

There are two beachgoers nearby.

STEVENS
They want to know if we’re gonna charge ‘em.
 13.

ANGELO
For getting their rocks off on a federal seashore. Gee, let
me think.

STEVENS
That’s what I said.

Angelo addresses the two

beachgoers.

ANGELO
All right kids, listen up. You’re coming with us, okay? We
gotta get your statements at the station, ask you a few
questions, sober you up a little? Help us out, maybe we’ll
forget that little business we caught you doing, sound okay?
Get you thinking twice about meeting random people out here.
You lost one of your boys tonight gentlemen. Might be time to
start rethinking some of your choices, yeah? Okay, let’s go.
Move.

Stevens escorts them out.

Angelo studies the scene. Blood,

matted discolorations in the sand,
a lifeless body distorted and
mangeld in the bushes.

Stevens reenters, puts a

hankerchief to his face.

STEVENS
What do you think?

ANGELO
They don’t know anything. It’s the anonymous tipper we want.

STEVENS
Right.

ANGELO
He said no one’s thinking twice out here.
(Beat.)
What do we know?

STEVENS
Looks like a pick up gone bad. Crime of passion maybe.
 14.

ANGELO
Maybe. Semen is everywhere.

STEVENS
Yeah, and my guess is: it’s everybody’s.

ANGELO
Sounds about right. Start with the stuff on his chest and in
his mouth.

STEVENS
Five-to-one we get multiple hits.

ANGELO
I’ll take ten bucks on that.

STEVENS
Well, all right, hot damn.

Angelo gives him $10.

ANGELO
I’m okay with losing ten bucks if I have a chance of watching
your face when you lose.

STEVENS
Ha-ha! Whatever helps you sleep at night, Angelo.

Angelo laughs to herself, but keeps

her eyes on the crime scene.

ANGELO
(Inspecting the body.)
The wounds are confident. Ten-to-one says all the blood’s our
John Doe’s here.

STEVENS
Ten-to-one? You need stronger coffee, detective, your
judgment’s going.

ANGELO
Think so?

STEVENS
On ten-to-one?! You’re gonna lose more than your shirt.
 15.

ANGELO
You got some money for that mouth?

STEVENS
Okay, yeah. A hundred bucks.

ANGELO
Sold. You got the money?

STEVENS
I’m not just giving you a hundred.

ANGELO
Cool with me. Later then.

Angelo takes back her $10.

ANGELO (CONT’D)
Let’s finish up and get over to the station. Christ, this
really fucked up my weekend.

THE FERRY. 1:40PM, FRIDAY.

END OF SELECTION

ALL CAMERAS ON
for curtain call/wave