PARENTING TEENAGE BOYS

7-Steps To Raising Your Son

By: Sam Miller

parentingteenagersacademy.com

sammillercounseling@gmail.com

WELCOME
Dear Parent,

Thank you for reading this book.

The fact that you are investing time and want to learn how to be a better
parent to your teenage son speaks volumes to your character.

Sadly, most parents spend most of their time learning on how to raise a
baby.

But when a child reaches the ages of twelve or thirteen, the same
enthusiasm the parent once had when their child was an infant seems to
waiver.

However, I do understand.

We are all busy just trying to survive and make it in this crazy world.

This is a very busy society and sadly, our children are paying the price
because most parents do not have the time it takes to invest in helping
their teenager transition into adulthood.

So many of our youth are being sent out into the “real world” but do not
have the life skills or emotional well-being to handle themselves in a
healthy and constructive manner.

Many of our boys are going out in the world but very few actually become
“mature men” who can carry themselves with dignity and respect.

THE CRUX

As you read these words, you are at a very pivotal moment in your sons
life.

A crossroads so to speak.

You have a great opportunity (and responsibility) to teach your boy very
important skills he will need so that he does not seek out negative things
or circumstances to fill any void…

So many boys use girls as objects so they can get laid and prove their
manhood to their friends.

So many boys seek attention on social media because they did not get
the validation they seek from their family or life.

So many boys turn to video games and technology because they lack
the ability to use their imagination when they are bored.

So many boys think that by making a lot of money that will make them a
man and give them a sense of significance and make them feel important.

So many boys are turning to smoking, drugs, or alcohol to fill some

emptiness they have in their soul.

So many boys are carrying pain and trauma in their heart and don’t have
the ability to feel happiness, joy, or a sense of inner peace.

So many boys are living unfulfilled lives because they never built up
enough confidence and self esteem to go after what they want (which is
why they seek out more likes on social media).

So many boys are depressed and anxious because they never learned
how to address their emotions in a healthy and constructive manner.

So many boys settle for average careers because they don’t believe they
deserve what they want in life.

And all of this stems from what they learned (or didn’t learn) during their
childhood and adolescence.

This is why there are so many “adult children” struggling with the “failure
to launch syndrome” because they never “converted” from child to adult.

TRAVELING BACK IN TIME

For the past twenty years I have been working with adults as a counselor
and life coach.

And if there is one thing I have noticed, is that when adults reach the ages
of thirty, forty, and fifty, they begin to breakdown and seek out help
because they have finally hit rock bottom where they realize that their life is
not working, they are unfulfilled, and unhappy.

When I begin working with my adult clients, one of my main goals is to get
to the “root cause” of what is driving their behaviors and what is the
source of their unhappiness.

I can honestly say that most people struggle in their life because of one of
these three reasons (or a combination of them):

1. Emotional Trauma

The individual has been emotionally traumatized and has not properly
healed from it.

Our body is a vessel for emotions.

Things like anger, sadness, frustration, and hurt feelings have to go

somewhere.

They must be faced and integrated in a healthy way and not suppressed
with pills (pharmaceutical drugs) or alcohol, sex, food, or illicit drugs.

When they are unresolved and are stored in your body, they wreak havoc
on your psyche causing the flow of your life to become stagnant and
“stuck”.

One of the most common situations adults experience is the sense of

“feeling stuck” because they never learned how to face their emotions or
solve their problems.

When you experience negative situations in your life, these act as triggers
that force you to face your old emotions so you can deal with them.

Unfortunately, if you have not learned how to face them head on, chances
are you will continue to avoid them where they will just cause you more
pain and suffering.

The rampant school and public shootings are by people who have been
suppressing their emotions for so long that now they are exploding
(literally).

2. Learned Behaviors or Negative Beliefs

The individual has learned negative beliefs or poor behaviors from family
or friends and are now repeating them in their own life.

As a child you are a sponge soaking up everything that is being done and
said around you.

You are a product of your environment.

If you had a mom, dad, sister, brother, cousin, etc. say or do lots of
negative things around you, chances are your subconscious picked them
up and now you are emulating those behaviors or beliefs.

Your brain is an amazing computer that is constantly learning how to

handle things in life and it wants to put things on “autopilot”.

So once you learn certain beliefs or behaviors, even when they don’t serve
you, you will continue to do them until you go through what I call a
“pattern interrupt”.

Generally speaking, a pattern interrupt is when someone hits rock bottom

(usually something life threatening) that forces them to have to face the
issue they have been avoiding their entire life.

3. Lack of Life Skills

The individual did not learn the effective life skills at a younger age to help
them address the many challenges in life.

Things like communication, habits, time management, courage,

confidence, follow through, commitment, discipline, accountability, conflict
resolution, and so on must be learned at a young age.

Sadly, many people do not learn these skills and then find themselves
struggling when they get older where they begin to doubt themselves,
struggle with low self esteem, and lack self confidence.

I cannot begin to tell you how many adults are struggling in life because
they did not learn how to communicate or express their emotions in a
healthy way.

Many kids try to talk to their parents or teachers but because they are shut
down over and over again because they don’t know how to talk, eventually
they learn that …

“I should just keep my mouth shut because every time I try to say
something I am not heard in the right way.”

Then twenty years goes by where their mouth has been shut and each day
they become more unhappy.

So because I have seen so many people struggle with these issues when
they were older, I have decided to “travel back in time” and work with
parents and their teenagers to help them address these issues now rather
than later.

I truly am on a mission to help teenage boys become healthy, happy,

responsible, and mature young men who know how to create the life of
their dreams.

Will you join me?

Sincerely,

WHAT TO EXPECT
Here is what you can expect to learn in this book…

CHAPTER 1 - COMMUNICATION

In chapter one I am going to cover issues that can be causing your teen to be
argumentative, difficult, disobedient, disrespectful, mean, or rude, and what you
need to do as a parent so that you can regain control of the situation and
command his respect so that he will listen to you and you can put an end to the
conflict.

CHAPTER 2 - BEHAVIORS & EMOTIONS

In chapter two I am going to cover issues that can be causing your teen to be
angry, arrogant, have a bad attitude, defiant, lying, out of control, or rebellious,
and what you can do as a parent to help bring calm and peace back to your
home.

CHAPTER 3 - MOTIVATION

In chapter three I am going to cover issues that can be causing your teen to be
apathetic, bored, lazy, unmotivated, and anything else that worries you that your
teen may not be driven or hungry to take action and move forward in life.

CHAPTER 4 - RESPONSIBILITY

In chapter four you are going to learn how to talk to your teen about alcohol,
drugs, sex, smoking, vaping, and anything else that keeps you up at night
worried.

CHAPTER 5 - CONFIDENCE & SELF ESTEEM

In chapter five you are going to learn how to help your teen develop confidence
and self esteem so that they believe in themselves and don’t seek outside
validation from others through negative behaviors or become shy, insecure,
withdrawn, or introverted.

CHAPTER 6 - SCHOOL & ACADEMICS

In chapter six you are going to learn how to talk to your teen about the “school
situation” and what you can do when your child does not want to do their
homework, study, or get good grades.

CHAPTER 7 - LIFE SKILLS

In chapter seven you are going to learn one specific technique on how to help
your teen learn the importance of developing life skills such as time
management, effective communication, being organized, accountability, follow
through, and being more focused and less distracted so that they respect
structure and discipline.

 CHAPTER 1

COMMUNICATION

“Why won’t my kid listen to me?”

“Why won’t he do what I want him to do?”

“Why does he keep talking back?”

Simply put…

Your relationship is broken and your son does not fully respect you.

So what’s the cause of this?

TALKING TO TEENAGERS IS NOT EASY

Even harder is getting them to do what you want.

To understand this situation better we have to go back to when your teen was
born.

When your teen was a baby, he would cry for what he wanted and you would do
anything you could to get him to stop crying.

When he got a little older as a child, he would make demands for what he
wanted and you would remind him to “say please”.

But now that he is a teenager, he is expected to start speaking like an adult but
never learned how.

What many parents fail to realize is that the teenage years are the transition
period where your son needs to put on his “training wheels” and start learning
how to think things through and express himself in a calm and rational
manner.

Unfortunately, from your son’s perspective, he really doesn’t understand why

you wont give in to his demands or do what he wants (because you did this
before when he was a baby and child remember?).

He doesn’t understand that you are trying to teach him something.

And because you don’t have the time to truly teach him this important life skill
because you are so busy with work, errands, and so on, he goes about his life
not fully knowing what the problem is (Too many families are trying to have very
important conversations and teachable moments in quick and short ways
where they are distracted and not focused on the matter at hand and then
wonder why their child “doesn’t get it”).

So he starts to become argumentative, difficult, disobedient, disrespectful,

mean, etc. because in his mind, what he is trying to accomplish is not a big deal
and you are just some “jerk” in his way of getting what he wants.

THE SITUATION

There comes a point in your child’s development where they start to grow up
and think for themselves. When they were younger they would (generally
speaking) do as they are told and behave like a good boy.

But eventually when they reach the ages of eleven or twelve, they begin to
question your authority and are no longer listening to you verbatim.

They are now beginning to think independently and want to have a say in how
they live their own life and not just follow your rules blindly.

The “Because I said so” response generally worked when they were a child. But
now it’s not working and your teenager needs more from you (i.e. more time).

When this transition happens within your relationship with them, it shifts the
dynamic and your child will begin to talk back, not listen, and not do as they are
told.

As soon as the foundation of your relationship begins to break, conflict begins to

set in and because you probably have not learned how to resolve these issues in
a constructive manner, over time things begin to build up and every conflict you
endure creates more barriers and separation in your relationship.

When things go unsaid or unresolved in a household, your peaceful environment

starts to breakdown where tension is constantly felt on both sides.

If these issues go unchecked, within one years time, your relationship with your
son breaks and things become very tense around the house where arguments
can break out at any given moment which means you are constantly arguing
over every little petty thing.

You are literally walking on eggshells.

SO WHAT CAN YOU DO?

You are going to need to get to the root cause of why he is not listening to you.

Here are three causes along with their respective solutions:

Cause 1 – He does not respect you

At a certain point in your relationship, your child has lost some respect for you.

For any child to behave in this way and no longer listen to you means that they
have lost respect for you as an authority.

Yes it’s true, most teenagers can become a bit rebellious at times.

However, there is a very distinct line that they can cross where they become
disrespectful, defiant, disobedient, and so on.

Here are some reasons that could be causing this behavior:

1. They don’t think you are cool.

2. You are not giving them enough attention.

3. They are judging you for some reason.

4. You have some unresolved issues in the past where they feel hurt and
disrespected by you so now they are pushing back.

5. They see they can walk all over you and are testing your boundaries by
displaying their dominance.

Whatever the cause may be, they have simply lost respect for you and now feel
it is okay to not follow your rules, do as they are told, or talk back in a rude or
obnoxious way.

Solution 1

You are going to need to figure out exactly why they have lost respect for you
and regain it from them.

If you are familiar with the dog trainer Cesar Milan, he uses the vernacular called
“Being a pack leader”.

What this means is that a group of dogs will always follow the alpha in the
group which means it is the dog they respect the most.

If your teen has become defiant and no longer respects you, it is because you
are not being the “pack leader” which is why they think they can walk all over
you.

In essence, he is testing his boundaries by displaying his dominance over you.

So you need to identify the root cause of why they have lost respect for you, fix
or resolve this situation, and reassert yourself as the pack leader (i.e. alpha).

Note: I have seen some of the most “out of control troubled teenagers” behave
very obediently around people they respect. So it’s not that your son lacks the
ability to be respectful. He is just choosing not to do so with you.

Cause 2 – Seeking independence

If your child is at a point in their life where they are looking to establish their own
identity and want to begin making their own decisions in life, this is natural.

The challenge that so many families face is that they do not have a process or
plan put in place for this to happen in a smooth way.

Your child does not have the proper communication skills (nor the
understanding) to come to you in a calm and rational manner and say:

“Mom/dad, it’s time for me to become an adult which means that we need to
work together on helping me transition into this new phase of my life”.

Unfortunately what happens in most households is the child starts talking back
and the parents continue to nag and hover over them only making them feel
more angry which causes more push back and defiant behavior.

Solution 2

You need to work towards changing the relationship dynamic within your
family so that your child has a clear path towards earning his own freedom.

You need to set clear expectations from each other about how your
relationship is going to start working so that they become self motivated and
driven to do things on their own while still allowing you to be a part of their life
so you can impart some of your morals and values.

Through your child’s consistent responsible behavior, you need to allow them
to earn more space and freedoms.

At the same time, your child needs to understand that it is important that he
remain considerate and respectful of your expectations while living at home.

So long as your child sees a clear path towards earning their freedom, they wont
feel as though you are suffocating them which is why some kids become
argumentative and defiant (Because in their mind they think you are going to nag
them forever).

Cause 3 – Lack of gratitude

Many kids these days are not learning one of the most important values that any
human needs to embrace which is gratitude.

Very often kids are being given so much (phones, games, clothes, cars, etc) that
they just think it’s no big deal.

Sadly, what this does is cause them to start behaving in a spoiled, bratty, and
ungrateful way.

While this used to be mostly associated with wealthier families, this is no longer
the case now.

Our society has evolved to the point where even middle class families can
experience this type of situation.

Solution 3

If you feel that your child has become ungrateful, then you are going to need to
change the relationship dynamic with them where you start sending them a
clear signal that they are on their own.

Yes, continue to give them the basics (food, shelter, and some clothing).

But that’s it.

They need to start appreciating the simple things in life by having to work for
them.

In many instances kids are lacking the signal that its time for them to grow up
and do things for themselves.

In their mind they think the “gravy train” will be there for them for many years.

In a lot of the work I do, I have even heard my kids tell me how they will just stay
in college so their parents continue to support them.

This is not good.

So while this may be difficult for you, you are going to need to “pull the rug from
underneath them” and make sure they understand that for the most part, they
are now responsible for their own financial well being. And, you are going to
need to use this as an opportunity to teach them the art of gratitude.

GETTING YOUR CHILD’S PERMISSION

While this might seem odd, one of the main causes as to why you might be
having a difficult time with your teen is because you have not gotten permission
to parent and guide them the way you want.

You have a set of morals and values that are important to you.

You have a way of life that you want to live.

It’s natural that you would want your child to buy into these ideas.

But once they begin thinking for themselves, you can’t just assume that they are
buying into your ideas or ways of doing things.

So you are going to need to invest the time in getting your child to buy into
what you want so that you no longer have to force or nag them to do these
things.

You have to get their permission to allow you to parent and guide them so that
they are willing to listen to you and invite you into their life.

Otherwise you will be parenting by “force”.

 CHAPTER 2

BEHAVIORS & EMOTIONS

Life is an emotional roller coaster ride with lots of ups and downs.

Therefore, the first thing you need to understand is that your son is at a very
critical time in his life where he is learning how to deal with his own
emotions, thoughts, opinions, and ideas about life (including his idea about
you).

(Note: Just think about all of the arguments and conflict that you see in the
world around you. This is all because people have not learned how to address
their emotions in a healthy way. Know someone who is passive aggressive?)

His hormones are bouncing off the walls and he is being inundated with a world
that is very intense with lots of situations being thrown at him all at once.

Because of this, he has not really found his state of balance with his emotions.
This is why he can become quite erratic and it may seem as though “It’s the end
of the world” if something bad happens to him.

And because your son may be on social media a lot, this means his attention
span is short which means that he is not learning how to process things in a
functional way.

Helping your son address his emotions in a healthy manner is going to be one
of the most important responsibilities you have as a parent and it will take a lot
of time to do so.

Negative emotions like anger, frustration, sadness, and so on are a necessary

and natural part of life.

However, when an individual does not learn how to use these emotions in a
constructive way, it can lead to your son becoming out of control, rebellious,
obnoxious, defiant, and so on.

Millions of people are suffering from depression and anxiety because they don’t
know how to handle their emotions.

Sadly, most people bottle up their feelings only to find themselves becoming
passive aggressive where they “blow up” at a later point in their life (i.e. kids
shooting up schools).

I cannot begin to tell you how many parents I work with who are struggling with
troubled teenagers who all say the same thing:

“He’s a good kid but…”

Yes, all kids start off as good kids.

None start off as being troubled teenagers.

But they got to that point because they did not learn how to communicate or
express their feelings in a way that helps them resolve it.

WHAT CAN YOU DO?

If your teenager is experiencing any negative emotions, it is important for you to

allow them to feel it and learn from it.

Step 1 - Feel It

When your son becomes upset, let him.

Let him feel his pain, frustration, and so on.

Give him private space to do so so that he can let it out through a form of
“primal therapy” (A type of therapy where the individual can shout, scream, or
yell out their anger and frustration so that it is not stored in the body).

Remember, negative emotions can only wreak havoc on the individual (and
family) if the emotions are suppressed.

So it is important that whatever is going on for your son, that he face it head on
as soon as possible.

Once again, where many families get caught up in this is that because they are
so busy, they don’t have the time or patience to help their child work through
this which is why counseling support is so beneficial.

Yes, it takes time.

A lot of time.

Most families tend to resort to the “We’ll deal with this later” mindset but later
never comes around and then they wonder why their child is acting out in such
horrible ways.

Did you know that in many indigenous tribes, when one person in the group was
upset or sick, the entire tribe would get together and help heal that person?

Can you imagine an entire tribe of people (hundreds or thousands) all focusing
their energy on one person to get better?

They would do this because they understood that if one person was “off” in the
group, it could spread to others in the tribe like a virus.

So they were very well aware that when one person was not feeling right, it
needed to be dealt with immediately so that it would not effect others in the
tribe.

Step 2 - Learn From It

Negative emotions can provide a positive purpose.

They are a signal from our body or soul that is saying…

“Hey, you need to look at this and fix it!”

If our body was a car, negative emotions are the computer sending you a signal
saying that you need to change the tires.

So you need to help your teen look at the situation and learn from it so that
he does not repeat the same situation again.

You will need to invest the time and sit down with him to examine whatever
situation is causing him to feel his pain and frustration and then learn from it so
that he can grow and move on.

Through this process, you can help him learn from his mistakes by examining
different choices he could have made.

 CHAPTER 3

MOTIVATION

“My kid is so lazy and unmotivated.”

Your teenager is not lazy.

They are just not motivated to do the things you want them to do.

Motivation is a very simple “pain” and “pleasure” mechanism…

We are always motivated to do things we define as being pleasurable and we

are always motivated to move away from the things we define as being painful.

The keyword here is “define”.

Tell your boy that you are going to take him on a shopping spree at 5AM where
he can buy whatever he wants and you will see him sitting in the car waiting for
you at 4:50AM.

So he has motivation.

The real question is this…

“How can I get him to be motivated to do the things that I need him to do but he
doesn’t want to do?”

Quick answer: He needs to buy into wanting to do the things for himself by
associating the thing you want him to do as being pleasurable.

Here is a basic list of things parents want from their teen:

• Laundry

• Homework

• Study for test

• Dishes

• Eat healthy

• Clean room

• Brush teeth

• Go to bed on time

Notice a theme here?

These are all items that have to do with him being more responsible and
independent.

And guess what?

Your son wants his independence.

Remember…

He wants to start staying out late, dressing how he wants, hanging out with
friends, etc.

So all you have to do is help him associate (he needs to buy in on his own that
there is a benefit) him beginning to earn his freedoms by doing the things he
needs to do for himself.

And no, this is not about “bribing”.

I am not a fan or believer in the “reward” system of “If you do this then you get
that” because that does not teach maturity and responsibility.

This all comes down to how you set the table with him, changing the
relationship dynamic, and setting clear expectations.

Keep in mind this will take a lot of time and effort on your part in the beginning.

YOU ARE A PROJECT MANAGER

Think of it like project management…

You have just hired someone to take on a big project for you.

Your job is to train them and manage them until you see that he is executing the
project to your standards.

Generally speaking, if you invest the time and train the person properly, it would
take you three months to get them on track where you no longer have to hover
over them.

So why do most parents think one or two basic conversations will get their child
on track to do what they want?

You need to have a very clear and well thought out conversation with your son
that it is time for him to start growing up and doing things on his own.

And they need to be ongoing conversations so that he gets the signal that
“It’s time to grow up.”

You need to set clear expectations from each other about how your
relationship is going to start working so that they become self motivated and
driven to do things on their own while still allowing you to be a part of their life
so you can impart some of your morals and values.

Through your child’s consistent responsible behavior, you need to start

allowing them more space and freedoms.

Make it clear to him that if he wants to start doing more “adult” things that you
need to see him behave like an adult by being self motivated and driven
through his responsible behaviors.

In the beginning, it is going to require that you be patient and consistent with
him. Realistically, it can take up to six months of you being “on top of
him” (without nagging or being annoying) until you see that he is doing all of
these things on his own.

But I cannot emphasize enough that he has to see a benefit from his perspective
which means you have to do a good job on selling it to him on “why” he will
want to do these things on his own. If he does not buy in, by default, you will
resort to nagging him again.

Nagging is “lazy parenting.”

FAILURE TO LAUNCH SYNDROME

If you are not familiar with the term “failure

to launch”, it is used to describe
teenagers who do not transition or
“convert” into adults.

This analogy was taken from the idea of

when a mother bird pushes its baby bird out of the nest. Either it flies or it
doesn’t.

Another term used to describe them are “adult children” because they are
physically adults on the outside but children emotionally and mentally on the
inside.

This stage of your child’s life is critical because they must receive the signal
that it is time for them to grow up.

Our brain and biology is wired to receive signals that tell us when its time to start
behaving in a certain way.

For example, our circadian rhythm is our internal clock that tells us to wake up
and go to sleep with the sun.

So it is critical that you begin sending the signal to your child that it is time for
him to start behaving in a way where they start leading their own life.

Because if he does not get the signal in time, he will have a hard time adjusting
to the adult world and you will end up feeling guilty and will resort to doing
things for him so that you don’t feel guilty only making things worse.

 CHAPTER 4

RESPONSIBILITY

Sex, drugs, alcohol, porn, smoking, games, etc…

These are some of the most common things that keep parents up at night
worried.

Unfortunately, you can’t keep your son locked in his room for the rest of his life.
He will eventually be faced with the choice of doing these things and you will not
be there every single time to make the decision for him.

Every parent wants to be able to imbue their child with a sense of morals and
values that they feel will help guide their child in life.

So what can you do as a parent to keep him safe?

The first thing you must accept is that you cannot control him.

Once a child reaches the ages of 12 to 14, they can pretty much do what they
please.

Sure, you can try and limit them if you want.

But that will just make them become more crafty about how they go about
getting what they want behind your back.

And I cannot stress enough that you do not want your child doing things behind
your back because if he does get in trouble, he may feel like he can’t rely on you
to help him which can cause even more problems for you.

If you want a realistic approach on how to teach your teen to be responsible

with these types of choices, here is what you need to do:

Step 1 - Have a good relationship with them

If you don’t want your teen doing things to rebel and piss you off, then make
sure you have already established a healthy relationship with them.

This way they won’t do these things as a way to get back at you.

Step 2 - Have an open mind

Many kids do these types of things because they are trying to get attention by
using the “shock factor”.

“Look mom, I pierced my nipple aren’t you shocked?”

Don’t be.

Just keep an open mind and remove any ability for them to shock you.

And make sure you are giving them enough attention.

Step 3 - Explain to them “why”

Many kids don’t understand why their parents make a fuss over these things.

From their perspective its no big deal.

And you saying, “Because I said so” is not enough.

You need to give them a reason they can buy in to and understand that is from
their perspective.

For example, you could say something like:

“I don’t want you drinking alcohol yet because if you get in trouble, then I get in
trouble. Do you understand that I am legally responsible for you until you are 18?
Do you understand that if you are caught or something bad happens to you, it
will be my fault? Not only will I feel terrible and guilty, but I could legally be in
trouble”.

You need to use logic and not emotions to explain to them the reasons why you
don’t want them doing something.

Otherwise in their mind they just think you are “old” and “not cool”.

Step 4 - Set clear expectations

Having rules is okay and telling your child what is expected of them is fine.

But more importantly, these types of “independent decisions” need to be

associated with them earning their freedom (as discussed in the previous
chapter).

Remember, your child wants to start being an adult and they want you to treat
them in that way.

So you need to remind them in a stern yet nonjudgemental manner that their
choices and behaviors will reflect how you treat them.

For example…

Son: “Can I borrow the car?”

You: “Sure thing hun. Once I see you making responsible choices on a
consistent basis then I would be happy to do so.”

This is not about being angry or resentful.

And it is not about bribing.

You are speaking calm, neutral, direct, and factual.

Let them know on a consistent basis that you will treat them as a responsible
adult once they act like a responsible adult.

When they don’t behave this way, you just “gently” remind them (no guilt or
shame) that they can’t expect you to give them adult freedoms when they don’t
behave like an adult.

While teenagers are over emotional, they do understand logic.

When you speak in a clear and logical way using a calm and assertive tone,
they will hear you.

 CHAPTER 5

CONFIDENCE &
SELF ESTEEM

Watching boys act out in irrational ways to get attention or seeing them do
dumb things on social media to get “likes” breaks my heart.

But sadly, millions of boys do this because they have not learned how to build
their confidence and self esteem in a healthy way so they exude poor behaviors
seeking outside validation.

On the opposite side, there are many boys who are introverted, shy, insecure, or
withdrawn because they don’t believe in themselves or feel worthy of anything.

The truth is that many boys are growing up in single family homes where dad is
not around (which is critical for boys) and mom is so busy that it’s impossible for
her to give her boy the attention he needs so that he can develop a healthy and
well rounded sense of self.

But if you want your boy to have a healthy amount of confidence and self
esteem, you are going to need to invest the time in these six things that will
help your son feel good about himself:

1. Acknowledge him

All humans need to be acknowledged for things we do.

There has to be some form of feedback that we get from the world that tells us
“we are good”.

Things like “Thank you” or “Wow, I see what you did here” can go a long way.

Take notice of the little things he does so that he does not act out in “bigger
ways” to try and get your attention.

2. Help him get good at something

Developing a skill and getting good at something is a great way for someone to
build confidence.

He needs to feel like he has value that he can add to your family or in the world.

Plus, there is only so much praise you can give your child which is why it is
important that they do something out in the world that allows him to
demonstrate his value and get feedback for it.

3. Help him find his look

All boys need to feel attractive.

Helping him find and develop his look that is a natural expression of his
authentic self will go a long way with his self esteem.

This is not about obsessing over his looks like the Kardashians.

It’s just about helping him cultivate a style and expression of how he wants to be
seen in the world that makes him feel good about himself.

4. Help him express himself

We all need to be heard in the world and have a voice.

Teaching your child how to express himself in a way where he feels he can
articulate his thoughts and emotions will give him the confidence he needs so
that he does not withdraw from conversations.

Very often people shut down and become introverted (or lash out and become
angry) because they have not learned how to express themselves and be heard
in the world.

5. Help him get in shape

Loving our bodies and having a healthy self physical image is critical for
confidence.

Feeling healthy and strong is vital for every one of us to feel good about
ourselves.

Take the time to help him find his way of doing so.

Teenage boys need to start developing their body where they feel strong
otherwise they will start to become introverted.

Things like basic weight lifting and calisthenics are what every teen boy need to
start doing no later than 16.

6. Help him find his passion in life

Passion and excitement are the driving factors to anyone feeling good in life.

If you want your son to have an abundance of positive energy, help him find
what he is passionate about in life.

It could be a career, hobby, or a cause.

But he needs a reason to get out of bed every morning that makes him feel
good about being alive.

Teenagers will either put their energy into something that is constructive or
destructive.

Their energy has to go somewhere.

As the saying goes…

“Idle hands are the devils playground.”

So if you don’t want him causing any trouble, help him find his passion in life.

 CHAPTER 6

SCHOOL & ACADEMICS

Ask any kid what they think about school and they will all mostly say the same
thing…

“It’s boring”

“I hate it”

And can you blame them?

Our schools and education system is outdated.

But unfortunately for now, it’s pretty much the only game in town.

So how can you get your son to do better in school?

Once again, this all comes down to motivation and getting him to associate
school with a benefit so that he becomes more self-motivated on his own and
you don’t have to chase after him.

So my suggestion is this…

First, be honest with him so that you gain his trust and respect.

Stop trying to convince him of something he will never buy into.

Don’t try and pretend that studying boring subjects and memorizing useless
information is good because he will lose respect for you.

This way he won’t feel like you are trying to force him to eat broccoli.

Say something like this…

“I get that some of the school subjects are boring and I don’t expect you to love
it. However, doing well in school is important because you need to learn how to
follow through on commitments and you need to understand that all jobs require
us to do things we may not enjoy.”

By using logic and reason, at the very least your son will see that you are being
honest and sincere with him rather than trying to make him out to feel odd that
he does not like something that most kids don’t like.

Once he sees that you are being reasonable, then you can explain to him what I
tell all my clients kids that I work with who tell me they hate school:

“School sucks.

Yes, I get it.

That being said, what schools do provide that are highly necessary for you are
four critical things which are:”

1. Structure & Discipline

It’s important that you help your child understand that while school may be
boring, what it does provide is to help them learn:

A. How to be on time

B. How to focus

C. How to get things done

These are real world skills that they will need every day at any job they work at.

You alone cannot teach them this.

2. Maturation Signaling

If you recall in the previous chapter, I talked about the importance that you need
to begin signaling to your teen that he needs to start growing up and becoming
more self-motivated to lead his own life.

Schools help tremendously with this because they are immersed in an

environment that is constantly saying, “You are getting older and graduating into
the real world very soon”.

So he needs to understand that by immersing himself in a group of people on

the same path that are being directed into the real world, this actually makes it
easier for him to grow up rather than trying to do it by himself which is what
many homeschoolers have problems with.

3. Opportunity of College

Life is all about having as many opportunities as possible available to us.

While your son may not be convinced that college is the right place for him now,
what he does need to understand is that he wants to make sure he has the
option later on down the line and that he does not close these doors.

It’s important that you help your child understand that his thoughts about what
he wants will be in constant flux for the next few years and that’s okay.

This is why he should not eliminate his college opportunities.

“Maybe you might wake up one day and decide to become an engineer, lawyer,
teacher, etc. which all require higher level of degrees.”

4. Networking

Becoming successful in the world can heavily rely on who you know and
schools are a great way to network with people.

Help your son understand that not only are the friends he is making a great
bunch of kids to have fun with, but that they might also help him land a job
some day.

Once you help your son understand that there is more opportunity in school
then just tests and homework, he will at least start to be more accepting of his
circumstances.

WHAT’S YOUR PLAN?

Whenever I am working with teenagers who tell me they don’t want to go to

school, I always ask them…

“Then what’s your plan?”

Most have no answer because they have not thought it through.

However, I find that this situation is a great opportunity to get your child to
start thinking about their future.

So use the “I hate school” conversation to open up an even more important

conversation:

“What’s your plan when you turn 18?”.

It’s also important that your child begin to recognize that you can’t be there for
them always telling them what to do and that they need to start figuring it out for
themselves.

So many parents put the burden on themselves to help their kid figure out their
future when what you should be doing is sending the signal to your child at an
early age that they need to figure this out for themselves.

You need to help your child become their own problem solver so that you don’t
feel pressured to have to do this for them all the time.

Yes, by all means support them.

But don’t feel guilty that you have to do it for them.

When you do this, you are just “enabling” their immature behavior and being
their crutch.

So by asking them these questions, it forces them to have to learn to start

solving their own problems.

 CHAPTER 7

LIFE SKILLS

Every parent wants the assurance of knowing that when their child enters the
“real world”, that they are prepared and ready.

Having skills such as…

• Time management

• Staying focused

• Accountability

• Being organized

• Critical thinking

• Following through on commitments

And so on, are going to be essential if you want your child to be successful in
the world.

Unfortunately there is a battle going on out in the world for your child’s mind and
attention through social media and other platforms they have access to on their
mobile device.

Today’s youth are more distracted than ever and very few are learning the
importance of structure and discipline.

So what can you do as a parent to help them?

GIVE THEM A PET PROJECT

From your child’s perspective, they live in your house.

They go to school because you want them to.

They don’t really have a say in their own life.

From their perspective, everything they do is because you are telling them to
do it.

They have very little opportunity to express their own identity and have a
sense of ownership in what they do.

Therefore they don’t take things like commitment, responsibility, accountability,

and so on very serious because they have very little to be proud of.

THE PRIDE OF OWNERSHIP

One of the best things you can do is help give your teen the opportunity to take
ownership of something.

This is similar to getting them a dog when they were younger so they can learn
some responsibility.

But in this case, they need a project that they can work on where they will
express their own ideas, opinions, and creativity (Remember lemonade stands?).

One way to do this by helping them launch their own website.

These days, putting up a website is very easy and affordable.

Buying a domain and getting hosting for it will cost you less than $100 a year.

By allowing him the opportunity to launch his own website, he will be able to:

• Express his own thoughts and opinions

• Run a business the way he wants to

• Find ways to make money

• Learn the importance of commitment and follow through

• Develop skills such as being focused, organized, and problem solving

And writing is a great way for teens to learn critical thinking and how to express
their emotions and thoughts.

The key factor here is that he needs something that is entirely his own so that he
can do whatever he wants with it.

He needs something that will push him out of his comfort zone and teach him
how to solve problems.

By having a pet project, it will teach him a sense of pride and will make learning
life skills much more enjoyable.

And it could also be a great way for the two of you to bond if he “invites” you to
help him. Don’t push yourself on him. Let him invite you if he wants your help.
Otherwise, leave him alone.

 CHAPTER 9

TEACHABLE MOMENTS

Whatever challenge you are facing with your teenager right now please note that
this is an opportunity for you and your child to learn and grow.

It’s an opportunity for your child to learn a life skill and it’s an opportunity for you
to learn effective communication, patience, and courage.

Every difficulty or challenge is an invitation for you to overcome an obstacle and

learn something from it.

So the most important aspect in all of this is your mindset.

If you view your challenge as something negative or “bad”, then that is the
experience you will get from it.

With that said, it is vital that you understand that whatever issue your child is
having, that this is a “teachable moment” for them.

INVEST THE TIME

The teenage years is the “pre school” for life where they need to learn critical
skills so that they can function in the world in a healthy and holistic way.

Therefore, it is imperative that you invest the time in teaching your child
whatever it is they need to learn in a calm and focused manner.

Unfortunately many families are so busy with their to-do list that they are trying
to have important and meaningful conversations that should take 30 to 60
minutes to have in two minutes while eating breakfast or passing in the hallway.

You cannot teach your child these critical skills via text or while they brush their
teeth. You need to start sitting down with them on an ongoing basis and
invest the time so that they can truly learn these things.

Math, science, history, English and so on are hour long classes five days a
week.

So that is at least five hours a week for each class.

Why would’t classes on…

• How to communicate

• How to resolve conflict

• How to handle negative emotions

• How to find your passion

• How to build self confidence

• How to solve problems

• How to stay focused

• How to develop self discipline

Not be just as long?

Don’t you think learning these life skills is just as important as academics?

NEED SOME HELP WITH THIS?

Want me to help teach your son these life skills so that he can become a healthy
and responsible young man?

Want me to help him develop the confidence and self esteem he will need so
that he does not act out in unhealthy ways to get attention?

Want me to help him learn how to address his emotions and solve his problems
so that he can live a happy and productive life?

If you want to ensure that your son starts his life off on the right foot…

I would love to help.

I have been supporting families for the last twenty years and I truly love what I
do.

I can support you in four unique ways:

1. Teen Counseling

If your child is having emotional problems such as depression, anger, anxiety,

self doubt, withdrawn, etc. where they are behaving in a troubled manner, then
they definitely could use some counseling.

2. Life Skills Tutoring

If your child is a “good kid” and you want to help support him by giving them the
tools they need to become successful in life, I can mentor them through my teen
life coaching program where I will teach them the life skills they will need.

3. Parent Coaching

If you need help with learning how to communicate with your child where they
will listen to you and be more self motivated, I can support you through my
parent coaching program.

4. Parent Teen Mediation

If your relationship has broken down where he is no longer listening to you, then
I can help you rebuild your relationship with him through a form of conflict
mediation.

HOW THIS WORKS

• Email or text me to schedule a free 30-minute consult

• I work with anyone in the world via phone or Skype

• I charge $100 per one-hour session

• I accept credit card via PayPal

• You can email me at sammillercounseling@gmail.com

• Or text me at 818-571-4407

Sam Miller