s7.

95

tlntnmrtu
,ilillruililililruilil
rsB N 0 - b 7 1 - ? e ]e?-7

HE typing and secrctarial class was held in a little basement
room in thc Business Building of thc local comn.runity col-
lege. The teacher was an old lady with hair that floatccri' vasue
cl o u ds ar ound hc r tc mp l c s a ' d K l c c n c x s tu c k up rhc sl ccvc" of
her drcss for some future, probably nasal purposc. Shc hclcl a
stopwatch in one old hand and tiltcd hcr hip as shc watched us
all with scvL-rc,imperial cycs, not carirrg rhat her stomach hunR
out. The girl in front of rnc had shorr, clcnched blond curli
sitting on hcr thin shouldcrs. Lone srra'ds would stick straight
out from hcr hcad in cold, dry weathcr.
It was a two-hour class with a tclt-nrinurc brcak. Evcrybody
would go out into rhc hall during thc break to gct .oif". o,
candy from the machincs. Thc girls would stan<Jin groups and
talk, and the two malc typists would walk slorvly ufand-down
thc corridor rvith round shoulders, holdinq their Stvrofoar'
cups and looking into thc bright slits of liglt in thc tusiness
classdoors as they passcdby.
I would go ro rhe big picrurc window that lookcd our onro
thc parking lot and starc ar thc strectlights shining en thc hoods
o fth e c ar s .
Aftc r c las s , I ' d c om e h o m c a n d p u t m y b o o k s on rhc di ni nr
room table among the lcfrover dinncr things: balied-up,-r"pt l-rri
glassesof water, a dish of grcen bcans sirting on a por holclcr.
My fathcr's platc would always be thcrc, wirh gnawccl bones
a n d h ot pc pper on i r. H c w o u l d b c i n th c l i v i n s room i n hi s
p a j a ma t op wir h a d i s h o f i c c c rc a m i n h i s l a p ,rd hi , hai r on
e n d . "How m any wo rd s a mi n u tc d i d y o u ty p e toni ght?,' he' d
ask.
It was n' t alr unr c a s o n a b l cq u c s ti o n , b u t th c p rcdi crabl e and
agitated dclivery of it was annoying. It reflectcd his way of
hoarding silly dc-tailsand his obsessivefcar that I wourd mcet
my sister's fatc. She'd had a job at a homc for rctarded pcoplc
for the past eighr ycars. Shc wore jcans and a longn.-y ioriro
rvork cvery day. !7hcn she camc homc. shc wcnt up to her
roorn and lay in bed. Every now and thcn she *ould com.
d o w n and jok e ar oun d o r w a tc h T V , b u r n o t m u ch.
SfCPETARY
Mother would drivc me around to look lor jobs. First we
would go through ads in thc paper, drawing black circles,
marking X's. Thc defaced newspaper sat on the dining room
table in a gray fold and we argued.
"I'm not friendly and I'm not personable. I'm not goins to
answer an ad for somebody like that. It would b,estupid. "
"You can bc fricndly. And you arc personablc whcn you
arcn' t busy putti ng yourscl f down. "
" l ' m not putti ng myscl f down- You just want t o t hink t hat I
anl so you can havc something to talk about."
"You're backing yourself into a corner, Debby."
" Oh, shi t. " I pi cked up a candy wr apper and bcgan pinching
it together in an ugly way. My hands wcrc rcd and rough. It
didn't mattcr how much lotion I used.
"Come on, wc're getting started on the wrong foot. "
"Shut trp. "
My mothcr crosscdhcr l e qs. "Wcll, " shc said. Shc picked up
tlre "Living" scction oI the papcr and crackcd it into position.
She tilted hcr head back and droppcd hcr cyclids. Her upper lip
became hostilc as she rcad. Shc picke-dup hcr green reacup and
drank.
"l'm depcndablc. I could answcr an ad for somcbody depend-
abl c."
" Y ou arc that."
We wound up in thc car. My tocs swclled in my high hcels.
My mother and I both uscd thc flowcrcd box of Kleenex on the
dashboard and stuck thc uscd tissuc in a brown bag that sat ncar
the hump in the middlc of the car. Therc was a lot of traffic in
both lancs. We drove past the Amy Joy doughnut shop. They
sti l l hadn' t put thc l ctter Y back on t hc Am y sign.
Our first stop was $Tondcrland. There was a job in the clerical
department of Sears. The man there had a long disapproving
nose, and he held his hands stiffly curled in the middle of his
desk. He mainly looked at his hands. He said he would call mc,
but I kncw he w oul dn' t.
On thc way back to the parking lot, we passed a pct srore.
Thcrc were only hamstcrs, fish and exhausted yellow birds. We
 .lijjis jri:li:,.
134 BA D
stopped and looked at slivers of fish swarrni'g in their tank of
thick green water. I had come to this pet stor; when I v_/asten
years old. The mall had just opened up and we had all comc out
to walk through it. My sister, Donna, had wanted ro so into
the pct store- It was vcry warm and damp in thc stole. and
smelled like fur and hamster. When we walked out, it secmed
cold. I said I was cold and Don'a took off her whire learheretre
jacket and put it around my shouldcrs, letting onc hand sit on
my left shoulder for a minutc. She had ncver touchcd mc likc
that before and she hasn't since.
T'he next place was a tax inlbrmation officc in a slab of build-
ing with green trim. They gave me an i'tclligencc resr rhat was
mostly spelling and "What's wrong w-ith this sentence?" The
woman came out of her office holding my test and smiling.
"You scored highcr than anyone else I've interviewed," sie
said. "You're realiy overqualified for this job. There's no chai_
lcnge. You'd be bored ro dcath. "
"I wanr to be bored, " I said.
Sh e laughed. " O h , I d o n ' t th i n k th a t' s rru c ."
!7 e had a nic e t a l k a b o u t w h a t p c o p l e w a n t our of thei r i obs
and thcn I left.
"W:]1, you wercn'r surprised that you had thc highest
l-hop.
score," said my mother.
We went to rhe French bakery on Eight-Mile Road and got
cookics called elephant cars. We ate them out of a bag ,, *.
drove. I felt so comfortable, t could have driven .rouul in the
car all da1-.
Thcn we wcnt ro a lawyer's office on Telegraph Road. It was
a receding building made of orangc brick. There wcre no orher
houses or stores around it, just a parking lot and some raut fir
trees that looked like they had been trrushed. My mothcr waited
for me in the car. Shc smiled, took out a crossword puzzle and
focused her eyes on it, the smile still gripping her face.
The lawyer was a shorr man with dark, shiny eyes and dense
immobile shoulders. He took niy hand with an indifferent ag-
gressive snatch. It felt like he could have put his hand throufh
my rib cage, grabbed my heart, squeezedit a little ro see how it
felt, then let go. "Comc into my office," he said.
We sat down and he fixed his eyes on me. "It,s not much of
rl
BEHAVIOR
SfCRETAPY 135
a j ob," hc sai d. " I havea par alegalwho doe- sr escar chand leg_
work, and the proofrcading gets donc ar an agcncy. All I nccd
is a presentablc typist who can llet to work on time and answcr
the phonc. "
" l can do that," I sai d.
" It' s very dul l w ork," hc said.
"I like dull work. "
He starcd at mc, his eves becoming hooded in thought.
" Therc' s somcthi ng.abour yout " hc sail. . , yo''r c . l; r "J- ; ; ,
you' re ti ght. Y ou' rc l i kc a wall. "
"I know. "
My answer surprised hirn and his eyes lost thcir hoods. Hc
tilted his head back and lookcd at mc, his shiny cycs bared
again. "I)o you cvcr looscn up?"
The corners of my mout h jcr ked, sm ilelike. , . 1don't know. , '
My pal ms sw eated.
His sccretary, who was lcaving, called me the next day and
said that hc wa'ted to hire mc. Hcr voicc r.l,asscrcne, flat and
uttcrly devoid of inflccrion.
"That typing course really paid off," said rny fathcr. ,,you
made a good invcstment." He wandered in and out of the din_
in-g-room in pleasedagitarion, hoiding his slass of beer. ..A law
office could be a lascinating place." Hc irched his chin and
scratched his throat.
Donna even canle downstairs and madc popcorn and put it in
a big yellow trovvl on the rable for evcrytodn to Shc ate
lazily, her large hand clawdling in thc bowi. ..it coulcj
""t.
bc okav.
Interesti ng pcopl c c< -rul dcom c in. Even t hough t har lar vvci's
probably an asshole."
My mothcr sat quietly, plcascd with hcr role in the job_find_
.
ing project, pinching clusters of popcorn in hcr fingers and
popping them inro her mouth.
Thar night I put my new work clotrreson a clrair and looked
at them. A brown skirt, a beige blouse. I was attractc,dro the
bland ugliness, but I didn'r know how long that would lasr. tr
looked at their gray shapes in rhc night-light ancl the' roilcd
over toward thc dark corner of my bed.
ffi*SifrtrffiffiiEiffi{ffi.$r-:{,j,i; ;.i$iLi'i : :
136 BAD BEHAVIOR
My family's cnrhusiasm madc rne fccl sarcasticabout thc job
-a b out anv c f f ort to d o a rry th i n e , i n fa c t. In l i qbr of ti rci r
cnthusiasm, thc only intclligcnt coursc of action sccrncd to be
immobility and rudeness. Blrt in thc nrorning, as I atc nry
poached cggs and roast, I couldn't help bur fcel cr,rriousand
excited. The fecling grcw as I rodc in thc car with my n.rothcr
to thc r c c c ding or a n g c b u i l d i n s . I fc l t l i k c I w a s accompl i shi ng
so mc t hing. I want c d to d o w c l l . W h c n w c d ro vc past thc A nty
Jo y doughnut s hop , I s a w , tl rro u g h a w a l l o f sl ass, cxpcctanr
consrruction workers in hca'ry boots and jackcrs sitting on vinyl
swivcl scats, waiting for coffcc ancl bags of doughnuts. t hact
sentimcntal thouqhts about workcrs and thc dcccncy of un*
thinking toil. I was pleascd to bc like rhern, ir"rsofaras I was. I
rctuntcd my rrrothcr's snrilc whcn I got out of thc car and said
"th a n k s " whc n s hc s a i d " g o o d l u c k ."
"Well, her c y ou a re ," s a i d rh c l a w v c r. H c c l appcd hi s short,
h a rd - pac k c d lit t lc h a rrd sto s c rh c r a rrd m a d c a l oud rroi sc' ." ()n
ti mc. G ood m or nin g l "
He began training mc rhcn and conrinucd ro do so all wcck.
No intcresting pcoplc cantc into thc ofhcc. Vcry tcw pcople
carnc into the officc at all. Thc firsr wcck rhcrc u'crc rhrcc. Onc
was a rlcrvous middle-agcd woman who had an uncvcn haircut
and was wearing lavcndcr rr-rbbcrchildrcn's boots. Shc sat on
thc edgc of the waiting room chair with hcr rubbcr boots to-
g cth c r , r c ar r anging th c th i n q s i i r h c r p u rs c . Anothcr w as a fat
wo man in a br ieht , b a g l i k c d rc s s w h o h a d y e l l ow i n thc rvhi tcs
of hcr wild littlc eyes, and who carricd hcr pursc likc a wcapon.
Th c l a s t was a m an w h o s a t c l c s p c ra tc l yru rn i n g hi s hcad as i f hc
w a n tc d t o dis c onnc c ti t fro n r h i s b o d y . I c o u l d h car hi m rai si ng
h i s vo ic c ins idc r hc l a w y c r' s o ffi c c . W h c n h c l cft, thc l ;rr,ryci
came out and said, "Hc is completclv crazv," and told mc ro
typ c h im a bill f or f i v c h u n d rc d d o l l ,rrs .
Evcryorre who sat in thc wairing roonr lookcd random and
unwelcomc. Thcy all fidgctcd. 'fhc clcganr old arnrchairs and
puffy upholstered couch wcrc rhcmsclvcs dis<iricntcdin rhe stiff
modernity of thc rvaiting roonl. Mv hcavy oak desk was al1
i d i o t s t anding auain s t a w a l l c o v c rc d w i th b c i q c pl astcr. Thc
brooding plants bcforc me gave the appearanceof u,eighing a
S E C R E TA R Y I 3I
lot for plants, cven though one of them rvas a slight, frondy
thi ng.
I was surprised that a pcrson likc rhc lawycr, who sccmed to
brcmcntally organizcd and evenly distributcd, would have sucl.r
an officc. Br.rt I was corlfortablc in ir. Its jumbled nature was
l i kc a ncst of avai l abl c rags sat her ed t ight ly t oget her f or
warnrth. My first two rvccks wcrc serenc.I cnloyed the dullncss
of davs, thc rcpctition of- motions, thc tersc, politc- interactions
bctwccn thc lawvcr and rnc. I cnjoycd fcclrrrg him iraposc his
brai nl cssl l rconfi dcnt scnsc of cxist cncc on n1e. Hc would say,
" Typ. thi s l ctter," and my scnsibilit y would conr r acr unr il r hc
abstractions of achievcmcnt and productiorr found cxprcssion in
the typine of thc lcttcr. I was uscful.
IV l y mothcr pi ckeclmc up cvcr y day. We r vould usually st op
at thc A&P bcforc wc wcnt homc to gct a loaf of r,r'hitcFrench
brcad, becr and kiclbasa sausagcfor my fathcr. Whcn we got
horD c I r,voul d * o upstri rs t o nly r oonr . t ake of f m y shir t and
bl ousc, and throw thcrn on t hc f loor . I would ect inr o m y bcd
ofj urrrbl cd bl ankcts i n my undcr wcar and pant y hosc and list cn
to my fathcr yclling at rnv mothcr untii I fcll aslccp. I woke up
w'hcn l)onna poundcd on my door and ycllcd, "I)inner!"
i w oul d go dow n rvi th hc r t hor and sit at t hc t ablc. Wc would
all watch thc news on TV as wc atc. My mothcr would have a
shrunkcn, abstractcd look on hcr facc. My fathcr would hunch
ovcr hi s pl atc l i kc an ani mal at it s dish.
Aftcr dinncr, I would eo upstairs and listen to records and
w ri te i n nry di ary or pl ay Par cheesiwit h l) onna unt il it was
timc to gct rcady fbr bcd. I'd go to slcep at night looking at thc
ski rt and bl ousc I w oul d w car t he next day. I 'd wakc up looking
at nrv ccramic wcathcr poodlc, which \ /as supposcd to turrr
pink, bluc or srcen, dcpcnding on thc wcather, but had only
turncd gray and stayed gray. I would hcar my father in thc
bathroom, thc tumbl c of ra dio pat t cr , t hc wat er , t hc clink of a
glass bcing sct down, thc creak and click as hc closcd thc medi-
:
ci ne cabi nct. I)onna w oul d bc st anding out sidc m y door , wait -
i ng for hi nr to fi ni sh. mutter inq "shit " or sor nct hins. I
iI
Looki ng back on i t, I don't know why t hat t int c was such a t
contcnted onc, but i t w as. ;1
l:
I
t
J
:
ii
r.'?.,1._!1,*'i_r,:,itd
Sfj$'i,liial}Ji:g:d"jr*.r::i.**:i*jttfgere;{n$hrtidrf.ir$.Si&ri3f;.:rgri!id,.\

138 BA D B E H A V IOR S TC P E TA R Y 139

sound like you'rc in the Twilight Zone. You don't think when
The first day of the third week, the lawyer came out of his you respond to people."
office, stiffer than usual, his eyes lit up in a peculiar, stalking When he asked me to come into his office at the end of the
way. He was carrying one of my letters. He put it on my desk, day, I thought he was going to fire me. The idea was a relief,
right in front of me. "Look at it," he said. I did. but a numbing one. I sat down and hc fixed mc with a look that
"D o y ou s eet hat ? " was spcculative but bcrrign, for him. He leaned back in his chair
"Wh at ?" I as k ed. in a comfortable way, one hand dangling sideways from his
"This letter has three typing errors in it, one of which is, I wrist. To my surprise, he began talking to me about my prob-
think, a spelling error. " lems, as he saw them.
"l 'm s or r y . " "l sensc that you are a very nice but complex person, with
" fhis isn't the first time, either. There have been others that wild mood swings that you kcep hidden. You just shut up the
I lct go becauseit was your first few weeks. But this can't go house and act l i ke there' s no body hom e. "
on. Do you know what this makes me look like to the people " That' s true," I sai d. " l do t hat . "
who receive these letters?" "Well, why? Why don't you open up a littlc bit? It would
I looked at him, mortified. There had been a catastrophe probably help your typing. "
hidden in the folds of my contentment for two weeks and he It was rcally not any of his business,I thought.
hadn't even told me. It seemed unfair, although when I thought "You should try to talk more. I know I'm your employcr
about it I could understand his reluctance, maybe even embar- and we havc a prcscribcd relationship, but you should feel free
ra ssment , t o dr aw m y a tte n ti o n to s o m e th i n g s o stupi dl y un- to discuss your problems with mc. "
pleasant. The idea of discussing my problems with him was preposter-
"Typ " it again. " ous. "It's hard to think of having that kind of discussion with
I did, but I was so badly shaken that I made even more mis- you," I said. I hcsitated. "You have a strong pcrsonality and
takes. "You are wasting my time, " he said, and handed it to me . rvhen I encounter a personality like that, I tend to step back
once again. I typcd it corrcctly the third time, but he sulked in becauseI don' t know how to deal wit h it . "
his office for thc rest of the day. Hc was clearly pleasedwith this response, but hc said, "You
This kind of thing kept occurring all week. Each time, the shoul dn' t be so shy."
lawycr's irritation and disbelief mounted. In addition, I sensed When I thought about this conversation later, it seemed, on
something else growing in him, an intimate tendril creeping thc one hand, that this lawyer was just an asshole.On the other,
from one of his darkcr areas, nursed on the feeling that he had his comments wcrc wcirdly moving, and had the effect of mak-
d i sco v er eds om c t hin g a b o u t me . ing me fcel horribly scnsitive. No one had ever made such
I was very depressedabout the situation. When I went home pcrsonal commcnts to mc bcforc.
in the evening I couldn't take a nap. I lay there looking at the The next day I made anothcr mistake. Thc intimacy of
gray weather poodle and fantasizedabout having a conversation thc previous day seemcd to make the mistake even more repul-
with the lawyer that would clear up everything, explain to him sivc to him becausc he got madder than usual. I wanted him
that I was really trying to do my best. He seemed to think that to fire mc. I would have suggestedit, but I was struck silent. I
I was rnaking the mistakes on purpose. sat and stared at the letter rvhilc he yelled. "What's wrong with
At the end of the week he began complaining about the way you!"
I answered the phone. "You're like a machine," he said. "You " l ' m sorrv." I sai d
 140 BAD BEHAVIOR SECRETARY 141
Hc stood quietly for a moment. Then hc said, "Come into
"l nevcr thought anything like this would ever happen to
my ofhcc. And bring thar lcttcr. "
me," he sai d. " l ncver thought I 'd be in a lawyer 's of f ice evcn
I followed him into his office.
onct:, and I've becr-rhcrc three timcs now. And absoltrtelynoth-
"Put t hat let t er o n my d c s k ," h e s a i d .
ing's been accomplished. I'vc always hated lawyers." He looked
r d id.
as though hc cxpectcd me to takc offense.
"Now bcnd ovcr so rhat you arc looking directly ar ir. Pur
"A lot of people do, " I said.
your elbows on the dcsk and your facc very close to thc lcttcr. "
"lt was eithcr that or I would'vc shot those miscrable blan-
Shakcn and puzzlcd, I did what hc said
kety-blanks next door and I'd have to gct a lawyer to defcnd me
"Now rcad the letter to yourself. Kccp reading ir ovcr and
anyway. Yor.rknow thc story?"
o ve r again."
I did. He was suing his neighbors becausethey had a dog that
I read: "I)ear Mr. Garvy: I am vcry gratcful ro you for refer-
"barked all goddamn day." I listcned to him talk. It surprised
ring . . . " Hc began spanking nle as I said "referring. " Thc
me how this short conversation quickly rcstored my sensibility.
funny thing was, I wasn't evcn surpriscd. I actually kcpt rcading
Everything secmcd perfectly normal by thc time the lawyer
rh c l ct t er , alt hough m y u n d c rs ta n d i n g o f i t w a s nor vcry cl ear.
came out of his office to grcct rhe clicnt. I noticed he had my
I began crying on it, which blurrcd rhc ink. The word "humil-
lctter in onc hand. Just befbrc he turncd to lead the client away,
iation" came inro my mind with such forcc that it cffcctively
hc handed it to me, smiling. "Good lctter," he said.
blocked out all othcr words. Furrhcr, I felt rhat thc concept it
Whcn I went home tl-ratnight, everythins was the same. My
stood ft>r had actrrally bccn a rnajor fbrce in my lifc' for quite a
life had not been disarrangcd by thc cvcnt cxcept for a slight
whilc.
increasc in thc distance bctween me and mv family. My behind
Hc spanked me for about ten minutes, I think. I rcad the lctter
was not even rcd when I lookcd at it in thc bathroom mirror.
only about five timcs, partly becauscit rapidly becamc roo wer
But whcn I got into bcd and thought about the thing, I got
to bc lcgible. Whcn hc sropped he said, "Now straighren up
excited. I was morc cxcited, in fact, than I had cvcr bccn in my
and go type it again."
lifc. That didn't surprisc me, eithcr. I fclt a numbncss; I fclt that
I wcnt to my desk. He closed the officc door bchind him. I
I could never have a normal conversation with anyone again. I
sat down, blcw rny nose ar-rdwipcd rny face. I stared into space
masturbated slowly, to put off the climax as long as I could.
for sevcral minutes, cvcry now and thcn dwclling on thc tin-
But there was r1o climax, cvcn though I tricd for a long time.
g l i n g s c ns at ionin m y b u rto c k s . I ty p e d rh c l c tre r agai n and took
Then I couldn't slcep.
it into his officc. He didn't look up as I put it on his desk.
It happencd twice more in the ncxt week and a half-. Thc
I went back out and sat, planning to sink into a stupor of
following week, whcn I madc a typing mistake, he didn't spank
some sort. But a clicnt camc in, so I couldn't. I had to buzz the
me. Instead, he told rrreto bend ovcr his dcsk, look at thc typing
lawyer and tcll him the clicnt had arrivcd. "Tcll him ro wair,"
mistake and rcpcat "I am stupid" for several minutes.
he said curtly.
Our relationship didn't changc othcrwisc. Hc was still brisk
When I told the clicnt ro wait, hc cane up to my dcsk and
and fricndly in thc morning. And, bccausehe seemedso sure of
began to talk to rnc. "l'vc bccn herc rwicc bcfore, " hc said. "Do
himself, I could not hclp but react to him as if hc were still thc
you recognizc me?"
samc dominccring but affable boss. He did not, however, ever
"Yes, " I said. "Of coursc." He was a small, right-looking
invite me to discussmy problems with hin"r again.
middlc-aged man with agitatcd little hands and a pale scar run-
I began to havc recurring dreams about him. In one, the most
ning ovcr his lip and dowrr his chin. Thc scar didn't make him
frequcnt, I walkcd with him in a ficld of big bright red poppies.
look tough; he was too anxious to look rough.
The day was brilliant and warm. We were smiling at cach other,
 SFCRETARY 143
142 BA D EEHAVIOR

and rhere was a trcmendous sensc of releasc and goodwill bc- i mpressi on of a vi ci ous l i ttl e anim al t r ant ically bur r owing dir t
with its tiny claws and tecth. My hips wcrc spravcd with hot
tween us. Hc lookcd at me and said, "l undcrstand you now,
sti cky nruck.
De b by . " T hc n we h e l d h a n d s .
"Clo clcan yourself off," he said. "And do that letter asain."
There was onc time I felt disturbed about what was happcn-
I stood slorn'ly, and fclt rny skirt fall over the sticky gunk. He
ing at the officc-. It was just before dinner, and my father was
briskly swurlg opc-n the door and I left thc roolrl. r.rot cven
upsct about something that had happcncd ro him ar work. I
pulling up lrlv parrty hose and undcru/car, sincc I was going to
could hear him yclling in the living room while rny morhcr
usc thc bathroonr anyway. Hc closcd tire door bchind me, and
tried to comfort him. He yeilcd, "l'd rather work in a circus! In
thc second unusuai thi ng occur r ed. Susan, t he par alegai, was
one of those things where you pur your head tirrough a hoic
a n d p eople pay t o th ro w g a rb a g ea t y o u !" standins in thc rvaiting room with a funny look oi.ther facc. She
"No c ir c us has th a t a n y mo re ." s a i d m y mother. " S top i t, w'as a blondc rvho rvorc slrort, fuzzy sweaters and fake gold
jcwelry arotrnd hcr rrcck. At hcr fricndliest, shc had a whining,
Sh e p."
abrasi vc qual i ty' that cl ung to hcr voicc. Nou', shc could bar cly
By the tirne I went down to eat dinner, cvcrvthing was as
sa1,hcl l o. H cr stupi dl y ful l l ips wcr c par t ed speculat ively.
usual. I looked at my father and felr a sickcrrrng serlsariorlof
"LIi," I said. 'Just a mirlutc." Shc note'clthc aq,kwardness of
love nailed to contempt and panic.
my rvalk, bccauseof thc lor,r'ercdpanty hose.
The last timc I made a typing error and rhc larn'ycrsumrnoncd
I got to the bathroorn and wipcd myscif off-. I didn't feel
me to his officc, two unusual things occurrcd. T'he first was that
cmbarrasscd.I t.l r l ncchar-r ical. I r . r , ar r t cd
t o get t hat dur nb par a-
after he finishcd spanking mc hc told nre to pull up my skirr
l cgal out of thc oi fi ce so I could cor nc back t o t hc bat hr oom and
Fcar hooked my stornach and pulled it toward my chest. I
masturbate.
tu rn ed m y head and tri e d to l o o k a t h i m.
"You're not worried that I'm going to rape yoll, are you?" Susan compictcd hcr errand and left. I masturbatcd. I retyped
thc l ctter. Thc l aw vcr sat i n his of f icc all day"
hc said. "l)on't. I'm not intercstcd in that, not irr the lcast. Pull
u p your s k ir t . " Whsn mv mothcr picked mc up that afternoon, she asked me
i f I rvas al l ri ght.
I turned my head away from him. I thought, I don't havc ro
" W hy do you ask?"
do this. I can stop right now. I can straighren up and walk out_
" l don' t know . Y ou l ook a lit t lc st r ange""
But I didn't. I pulled r-rpmy skirt.
" l ' m as al l ri ght as I ever a m - "
"Pull down your parlty hosc anc{underwear. "
" ' Ihat doesn' t sound good , honev. "
A finger of nauscapokcd mv sromach.
"I told y ou I ' m r r o t g o i n g to fi rc k y o u . D o w h at I say." I didn't answer. My mother movcd her hands up and down
the stccrirrg rvhccl, sclueczingit anxiousl,v.
The skin on my facc and throat was hot, bLlt my fingcrtips
" Maybc you' d l i kc to stop by t hc f ir cnch baker y and get som e
were cold on mv legs as I pulled down my undcrwear and pantv
cl cphant ears," shc sai d.
hose. The letter bcfore me becarne disrorrcd beyond recogni-
"l clon't want ally elcphant ears." My voicc was Llnexpcctedly
tion. I thought I might faint or vomir, bur I didn't. I was held
nasty. It al nrost nrade mc cry .
up by a feeling of dizzying suspension, like the one I have in
" A l l ri ght," sai d rny mother .
dreams where I canfly, but only if I ger inro some weird posi-
ti o n .
Whcn I lay on my bed to takc my nap, mv body fclt dense
At first he didn't seem to bc doing anyrhing. Then I becarne
and hcavy, as though it would be vcry hard to movc again,
aware of a small frenzy of expended energv behind me. I had arr
 144 8 A D 8 E H AV I O R
which was just as well, since I didn't feel like movins. When
Donna bangcd on my door and yclled "Dinner!" I dldn't an-
swer. She put her head in and asked if I was aslecp. and I told
her I didn't feel likc cating. I felt so inert. I thought I'd go to
sleep, but I couldn't. I lay awake through thc sounds of irgt -
ment and TV and evcrybody going to thc bathroom. Bedtime
came, drarvcrs rasped open and shut, doors slammed, my father
eased into slecp with radio mumble. Thc orange digits on my
clock said 1:30. I thought: I should ger our of this panty hose
and slip. I sat up and lookcd our inro thc gray, cold streei. Thc
shrubbcry on thc lawn across the strcct lookcd frozen and mis-
erable. I thought about the pcriod of time a year bcfore when I
couldn't slcep becauseI kept thinking thar somcone was going
to break into the house and kill everybody. Eventually that fear
went away and I wenr back ro sleeping again. I lay back down
without taking off my clothes, and pulled a light blankct tighrly
around me. Sooncr or later, I thought, I would slcep. I would
j u st hav c t o wait .
But I didn't sleep, although I becarncmentally incohercnt for
long, ugly strctchcs of time. Hours wenr by; thc room turned
gray. I heard thc morning noises:the toilet, the coughing, Don-
na's hostile mutrcring. Oftcn, in the past, I had wokin carly
and lain in bed listening ro my family clumsily trying to orga-
nize itself f,or thc day. Often as not, their sounds made mc feel
irrational loathing. This morning, I felt despair and a longing
for them, and a surcnessthat we would never be close as long
as I lived. My nasalpassagesbccamc acrive with rearsrhat didn't
reach my eyes.
My mother knocked on the door. "Honcy, aren't vou going
to be late?"
"l 'm not eoing t o w o rk . I fe e l s i c k . I' l l c a l l i n ."
"l 'll do it f or y ou , j u s t s ta y i n b e d ."
"No, I ' m going t o c a l l . It h a s to b e m e ."
I didn't call in. Thc lawyer didn't call the house. I didn't go
in or call the next day or thc day after that. The lawyer still
didn't call. I was slightly hurt by his absent phone call, but my
relief was far greatcr than my hurt.
After I'd staycd home for four days, my father asked if I
SECRETARY 145
wasn't worricd about taking so much timc off. I told him I'd
quit, in front of I)onna and my mother. He was dumbfounded.
" That w asn' t vcry smar t , " hc said. "What "ar c yoLl going t o
do now ?"
" l don' t care," I sai d. "'f hat lawyer was an assholc. " To
cvcryone's discornfort, I bcgan to cry. I Icft the room, and they
al l w atchcd mc stonl p up thc sr air s.
'I'hc ncxt day at dinncr my fathcr said, "Don't gct discour-
aged bccauseyour first job didn't work out. Thcrc're plcnty of
othcr pl acesout thcre."
"l don't want to thir-rkabout another job right now."
Thcrc was disgruntlcr:rcnt all around thc table. "Comc on
now Dcbby, you don't want to throw away cvcrything you
workcd for in that typing coursc," said my fathcr.
" l don' t bl amc hcr," said I ) onna. "l'm sick of wor king f or
asshr> l cs."
" Oh. shi t," sai d my fathcr . "lf I had quit cver y job I 'vc had
ol ) those grourrds, you w ou ld'r 'c all st ar vcd. M aybc t hat 's what
I shoul d' vc donc."
" W hat happened,D cbby? " said m y nr ot hcr .
I sai d, " l don' t w ant to t alk about it , " and I lef t t he r oom
agai n.
After that thcy may havc scnscd, with thcir intuition for the
miserablc, that somcthins hidcous had happencd. Becausethey
lcft thc subjcct alonc.
I receivcd my last paycheck from thc lawyer in thc mail. It
carnc with a lettcr foldcd around it. It said, "l am so sorry for
w hat happcncd bctw cen us. I havc r calizcd what a t cr r iblc m is-
takc I madc w i th you. I can only hopc t hat you will undcr st and,
and that you w i l l not w orscn an alr cady unf or t unat c sir uat ion
by di scussi ngi t w i th othcrs. All t hc best . " As a P. S. he assur cd
mc that I could count on him for cxcellent refcrences. Hc e'n-
closcd a check for thrce hundrcd and cighty dollars, a little ovcr
two hundrcd dollars more than he owed mc.
It occurred to me to tear up thc chcck, or mail it back to the
lawyer. But I didn't do that. Two hundred dollars was worth
morc thcn than it is nr:w. Toeether with the moncy I had in thc
 146 BA D B E H A V IOR S E C FE fA R Y 147
bank, it was ctrough to put a down paymenr on an apartment
mayor. To put it mildly, we think hc has no businessrunning
and still havc some lcft over. I went upstairs and wr&c ..3g0',
for public office. We think he would be very bad for the whole
on thc dcposit sidc of my checking accounr. I clid''t fecl likc a
Detroit area. He has an awful reputation, Miss Roc-which
whorc or anything. I fe'lt I was doing thc right thine. I looked
may not surprisc you." There was another careful pause that I
a t th c t ot al f igur c o f my b a l a n c ew rth s a ti s fh c ti on.Tl e., rw enr
did not 6ll.
dow'stairs and askcd my mothcr if shc wanted to go gct some
"Miss Roe, are you still with me?"
clephant cars.
" Y es. "
For thc nexr rwo wecks, I forgot about the idea of a job and
"What all this is leading up to is that we have reasonto believe
moving out of my parenrs' house. I slcpt through all the morn_
that you could reveal information about your ex-employer that
i n g nois c ur r r il noo n . I g o t u p a n d a t,.Jc o l d c ci .' al arrd ra' thc
would be damaging to him. This information would ncver be
dishwashcr. I r,vatchcdthc gray march of old sircorns on ]'v. r
connected to your narne. We would use a pseudonym. Your
workcd on crosswo.rd puzzlcs. I lay o' my becl i' a ta'glc of
privacy would be protected complctcly."
quilt arrd fuzzy blankct and masturbared rwo, threc, fou.iim.s
The vacuum cleaner shut off, and silencc cncircled me. My
in a row, always thinking abour the thing.
throat constricted.
I r. v ass r ili in t his p h a s c w h c n m y fa rh c r s tu c k rhc nc\.spapcr
"Do you want time to think about it, Miss Roc?"
undcr my nosc and said, "Did you sce r.r,haryour old bfri ,,
" l can' t tal k now ," I sai d , and hung up.
doing?" Thcrc was a snrall articlc on thc upioming mayoral
I couldn't go through the living room without my mother
clections i' $Tcstland. Hc was running for mayor. i took thc
aski ng me w ho had been on t he phonc, so I wcnt downst air s t o
paper from rr'y father's ofrcring hands. For the hrst time, I fclt
the basement. I sat on thc mildewcd couch and curled up, un-
a n u n c om plic at c d d i s g u s t l b r th c l a w y c r. w e s tl a nd w as' othi ng
mindful of centipedes.I rested my chin on my kncc and stared
but and clouqhnut srands a'd a big ugly thcatcr with an
-malls at the boxes of my father's old paperbacks and the jumble of
artificial volcarrc>i. the front of it. !flhat kind of idiot u,ould
plastic Barbie-doll cascs full of Ilarbie cquipmcnt that I)onna
want to bc mayor of Wcsrland? Again, I lcft thc roof,n.
and I used to play with on the front porch. A stiff white foot
I got thc phonc call thc ncxt rvcck. It ll,as a man's voicc, a
and calf stuck out of a sky-blue case,helplessand pitifully rigid.
soft, probing, condoling voicc. "Miss Roc?" hc saicl. .,1 hope
For somc reason, I rcmembered the time, a fi:w years betorc,
yo u 'l l f or gr v c r his u n c x p c c tc d c a l l . I' rn M a rk (i h armi np of D c-
when my mothcr had taken me to scc a psychiatrist. One of thc
tro i t M aga: it r t ' . "
morc obvious qucstions he had asked rnc was, "Debby, do you
I d i d n' t s : r y any t lr i n g . T h c v o i c c c o ,ti n ' c d m o rc u' ccrrai nl v-
cver havc rhc scnsation of bcing outside yoursclf, almost as if
"Arc you trcc tc'rtalk, Miss Iloc?"
you can actually watch yourself from anothcr place?" I hadn't
Th cr e was no onc i n th c k i tc h c n , a .d m y mo thcr w as runni n{ :
at the ti me, but I di d now . And it wasn't such a bad f eeling at
th e va c uum in t hc ne x t ro o l rl . " T a l k a b o u t w h a r?' , I sai d.
al l .
"Yo ur pr c v ious cmp l o y c r." T h c v o i c e b c c a mc sl i ghtl ),
harsh
as he said thesc words, and rhe' hurriedly rushed bick io co,r*
d o l cn c c . " P lc as e don ' t b c s ta rtl c c lo r,rp r.t. I k n c >rvthi s cor-rl dbc
a disturbing phonc call fcrr yuu, it musr ccrtainly sccm
i n tru siv e. " He paus e d s o I c o u l d l a"r,i u c h o r s o mcrhj ng. I cl i dn' r,
a n d h i s v oic e bec am emo re c a u ti o u s . ' ,T h e th i n g i s, w c' re doi ng
a story on your c'x-cmplover in the contcxt of his running foi