Pocket https://getpocket.com/explore/item/the-one-phrase-that-can-transform-yo...

Advertisement

POCKET WORTHY · Stories to fuel your mind

The One Phrase That Can Transform

Your Effectiveness at Work
Two words, used alone or prefacing a question, can help you connect better with
your coworkers and boss.

Fast Company | Gwen Moran

CaptionPhoto by (Xavi Gomez/Cover/Getty Images)

Manage
Your Choice Regarding Cookies
We use cookies to remember your account settings, and for analytics.
Some of our ad partners use cookies on Pocket Explore pages, and if Accept
you accept these advertising cookies, your ads may be more
personalized on other websites. Learn more

1 of 4 7/7/2021, 7:05 PM
Pocket https://getpocket.com/explore/item/the-one-phrase-that-can-transform-yo...

and ability to communicate.

Conversely, there are also words that throw open the doors to better
communication. Few people know this better than Alexandra Carter,
negotiation trainer for the United Nations and director of the Mediation
Clinic at Columbia University Law School, and author of Ask for More: 10
Questions to Negotiate Anything. Carter started using the phrase “tell me”
when she was trained as a mediator in the early 2000s, and she was
astonished at the information it revealed.

A Powerful Phrase
Carter used the phrase in mediation and negotiation situations to find out
the needs, wants, and views of the parties involved. When she said, “Tell
me what you need,” or “Tell me more about the problem,” she got answers
that were wholly from the person’s point of view and gave deeper insight
into what they were thinking and what their priorities were, she says.

So, Carter began using the phrase in other areas of her life. She used it
with her bosses and coworkers to learn more about their needs and views
in the workplace. She says that when she asked her boss a “tell me”
question about what she needed most of from the people working for her,
her boss opened up in surprising ways. “She would say things
Manage
to me like, ‘I
Your Choice Regarding Cookies
We use cookies to remember your account settings, and for analytics.
Some of our ad partners use cookies on Pocket Explore pages, and if Accept
you accept these advertising cookies, your ads may be more
personalized on other websites. Learn more

2 of 4 7/7/2021, 7:05 PM
Pocket https://getpocket.com/explore/item/the-one-phrase-that-can-transform-yo...

more about the targets that were important and how her supervisor
valued a particular writing style.

“Once I started doing it, it was magic. I couldn’t believe how much more I
was getting done at the office, how much better I was doing in terms of
negotiating for myself, and then also how much closer I felt to the people
around me in my home,” she says.

Why “Tell Me” Is So Powerful

Carter likens the phrase to casting a giant net into the water to see how
many fish you can catch. There are several reasons why it’s so effective. It
gives you the other person’s view. When you say “tell me” either in an
open-ended or directed way, such as “tell me what you think the problem
is,” the other person is free to share their most pressing views without
being influenced by a leading question. You learn the other person’s
definition of a situation or problem, Carter says. And, sometimes, that’s
not what you think it is.

Carter’s book published during the pandemic, when there were

restrictions on gatherings, so her book-related speaking events and
speaking engagements were canceled. While she might have asked them if
they wanted a webinar instead, she knew from experience that yes-or-no
Manage
Your Choice Regarding Cookies
We use cookies to remember your account settings, and for analytics.
Some of our ad partners use cookies on Pocket Explore pages, and if Accept
you accept these advertising cookies, your ads may be more
personalized on other websites. Learn more

3 of 4 7/7/2021, 7:05 PM