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Lawn Porn TV:: SFX: It's The John and Deere Radio Show. SFX: Mower Braaaaa
Lawn Porn TV:: SFX: It's The John and Deere Radio Show. SFX: Mower Braaaaa
(John kicks back pulls out an explicit magazine and starts reading.)
Deere: That’s sick why do you have to read that here every commercial
break.
Deere: Needs that can be satisfied somewhere else have some decency.
John: Look it puts me in the mood alright, if you want to stay on the air
just let me keep reading.
Deere: …you put the John in John Deere your face should be mowed into
every lawn. Grass bows in your presence.
(John shows the magazine revealing that it is in fact pictures of lawns being mowed.)
John: Could you believe that last caller? Trying to use a grass box on a
mulching mower.
John: No, I’ve been wondering how did you end up on radio?
Deere: Well like anyone else I went to journalism school and didn’t quite
have the face for tv…
John: No, I meant how can you talk at all? I mean you’re a deer.
Deere: What is that? It’s so shiny, hello bright thing will you be my
friend?
Deere: Oh, right, yah. If you like the taste of grass I saw chow down.
John Deere
John Paul LeRoux
John and Deer
V05
Tug of War Radio:
Inquisitive Caller: Yah I was wondering If a John Deere with a 5 horse engine was in
a game of tug-of-war with five horses who could win?
Deere: Why a horse why not a deer, horses aren’t so great you know.
Deere: Do you know why horses are ridden because they let people ride
them, oh ride me ride me they say. Deer are better because we
don’t let people ride us, even though we appear to have handle
bars.
Deere: Horses would be dim enough to take on a John Deere one stomp
for yes two for no, I have a journalism degree and they can’t
answer multiple choice questions. And metal shoes, great fashion
choice, iron goes so well with everything.
John: Ok and on that note tune in next week when we will be discussing
proper barbeque attire.
John Deere
John Paul LeRoux
John and Deer
V05
Driving Radio:
Deere: Look all I’m saying is that both have four wheels a driver’s seat
and they get you where you need to go but only one can mow a
lawn.
John: You are seriously trying to tell me that you think mowers should
replace cars, you’re a deer you have hooves you don’t even drive.
Deere: I appreciate a well kempt lawn, and I’m on a radio show I’ll drive
if I want to.
John: You know how you get with headlights, if you are driving what do
you think you will be seeing a lot of?
Deere: …headlights.
John: In Indiana you’re allowed to hit 3 deer before your insurance goes
up, you don’t want to think about what you’d do in that situation
do you?
Deere: Whoa, whoa, people are hitting deer? And then doing it two more
times?
John: They probably don’t mix either Alright times up next week we will
be talking about the dangers of drinking while mowing.
John: Sure.
John Deere
John Paul LeRoux
John and Deer
V05
Other Deer:
John: You saw a gnome and you ran, you have antlers what are you
afraid of?
Deere: You don’t believe me? There are too deer in Canada.
Inquisitive Caller: Yah I had a deer related question, do deer actually pull sleighs?
Deere: See this is what I’m talking about I am sick and tired of these
stereotypes, not all deer pull sleighs. Reindeer maybe, but they’re
like the Amish of the deer world something is just kind of
backwards about them.
Deere: Yah they would be the type to use orange power tools.
John: Nutty.
Deere: And as long as we’re at it let me just clear up Chinese Water deer,
yes they have fangs, no they are not vampires. The only vampire
deer was staked long ago.
John: Caller?
Deere: Gnomes?
Deere: Beady eyes and pointy heads. It’s not just a hat, the hat
only covers their pointy head.
John: Okay we’ve talked about this they can’t hurt you. Take
some deep breaths.
John: Deer its alright that you’re scared of gnomes, but they
aren’t evil
John: Agreed, after all the work you put in mowing keep the little
men out of your lawn. Okay we are out of time so next
week we will be answering the question “is grass always
greener on the other side?” Stay tuned.
John Deere
John Paul LeRoux
John and Deer
V05
Jackalope TV:
John: The snow blower attachment turns your regular mower into
something mythical like a Jackalope.
John: He is not.
Deere: Look I’m not saying he’s the sharpest tool in the shed his
mother was a deer and father a jack rabbit after all, but he’s
family.
Jeremy: Hello?
Deere: Jeremy?
Jeremy: A Jackalope
Deere: Nooo thank you. Your hot dogs are made out of glutton and
you buns are glutton free, but worst of all you have a rock
garden get it together man.