While placing a home delivery order from a nearby restaurant, my friend (let’s

call him Mark because it’s a cool name) turned to me.

Mark questioned if the food will be good. Neither of us had tried the food at
this place before. Yet, I nodded in agreement like a cute dog.

The food’s taste wasn’t going to change, but Mark felt contented to have my
approval onboard.

As much as you might love to say that you’re open-minded, it’s difficult to hear
out people that have contrary opinions.

You mostly hang out with people with similar tastes that agree with you. You
want to have fulfilling relationships and feel loved by friends and family.

“There are certain core needs shared by every person on the planet,” “Some of the needs
are physical such as food, water and air. We also have emotional needs. Once our physical
needs are met, filling our core emotional needs becomes our number one priority in life.
Whether we choose to acknowledge it or not, the desire for validation is one of the
strongest motivating forces known to man.”
“On a deep emotional level, feeling approved of makes us feel secure with ourself as a
person. There is a huge degree of inner peace and security connected to feeling good about
who we are.”

We share photos and update statuses in the hope of getting approved by our
Facebook friends. we continue to crave “likes” like candy .As long as you don’t
consider Facebook as an extension of your identity and get obsessed forcing
people to ‘like’ your updates, you’re doing fine.

We live in a world where:

 Many people are becoming more and more disconnected from each other
despite advances in communication technology
 Many people are becoming more depressed and anxious with each passing
year
 Many people lack self-confidence
Everyone wants to be acknowledged on some level. Everyone wants to

know deep down inside:

“Yes. I make a difference and I matter.”

People want to be seen.

Everyone wants to be liked. Everyone wants to be accepted.

It’s alright if you feel this way. It’s human to feel this way.

Validation is nice. It can be a sign that you’re doing something

right!

Validation is what we crave when we’re unsure: of a moment, of our place, of ourselves. And
seeking it out works in exactly the opposite way we want it to.
We plead for Yesses and get bogged down in our Tryings. We become so afraid, so unsure, SO self-
conscious, that we hinder ourselves from moving forward, simply because we’re so scared of falling
back. And so we do.
We so desire to be loved and told we’re worthwhile, because at the heart of the matter, to feel
ineffective is a frightening thing.

Despite external validation’s ability to give us solid feedback, in our

current climate it can certainly be abused.

Social media’s effect on the primal need for external validation is one of

the ways in which you decrease your personal power.

If you’re stuck in a job you don’t like, you’ll keep on doing it because your

parents think it’s awesome. If you’re in a relationship you don’t like, you

will stay in it.

At the end of a day, you will live a life that’s not really yours. You’re not

running the day is running you. You’re the servant, not the master.

It’s a vicious cycle. You are addicted to validation, so you hop on social

media to get validation from women and from friends/family. You get

that validation and the clusterfuck of insanity continues.

Remember I told you about how you hang out with people sharing similar
interests?

Psychologists call such a group of people with a shared identity as an in-

group.Occasionally, you might choose to value yourself based on the opinion
of your in-group.

If you regularly seek such validation, then it might escalate to become your
NEED. It might start affecting your everyday choices.

Your sole goal might change into pleasing people around you – even if it
conflicts with your internal values and feelings.

That’s where it gets ugly.

You might face performance anxiety and get depressed based on what others
think of you. Self-improvement publications try to tackle the low-value issue by
providing frameworks for practicing self-acceptance.
Now you’re sliding into a dangerous lane where you feel everything is okay as
long as it makes you happy. YOU become the centerpiece of every argument.

Instead of validating your choices from external sources, now you’re entirely
dependent on YOURSELF.

That doesn’t change the condition – You’ve merely treated a symptom.

Now, you’re a person with a different set of problems.

You can do better.

Instead of simply changing your validation source, search and identify the underlying
cause.

If you continue down this path of seeking endless validation…you will be

easily used and manipulated by others, no better than a puppet on a

string.

Your locus of control will become diminished.

You will become powerless.

Naturally, your parents and close family members want the best for you

– but usually they won’t steer you in a path that may be a bit

unconventional but is closer to what you really want to do.

Your parents may want another doctor, lawyer, engineer, or so and so

that they can brag to their friends about…

But do you?

If you’ve lived in a culture that relies on approval of your family, then you
might find it difficult to wade through life on your own.

You’ll need to internalize that you don’t necessarily need to pursue what’s
expected of you. And you need not end up going down cliched life paths (due
to the herd instinct).

Eventually, you should start to view life clearly with your unique perspectives.

At this stage, you also need to remain mindful. It’s easy to high-five yesmen
that boost your ego and disregard the naysayers as bullshitters. What’s
difficult is looking at negative feedback objectively.

If you go by the traditional validation advice, you might end up rationalizing

every life decision. You’ll search for patterns of info that confirm your existing
beliefs (as I mentioned in an earlier article it’s called as apophenia).

The tendency to look at new evidence in a way that confirms your existing
hypothesis, while conveniently ignoring the facts that violate your ideologies,
has a fancy name in psychology:

Confirmation bias.

Even the best of us have fallen for this bias.

What’s astounding is that when your wrong opinions are repeated a sufficient
number of times, then your mind will reinforce a feedback loop. You’ll be more
confident that what you believe is indeed true.

I am sure you don’t want to fall into the trap of disregarding negative feedback
against you merely because it’s against your opinion.
1.  Recognize criticism as feedback, not as disapproval. Accepting critical feedback
as constructive and impartial instead of destructive and personal will help you put
other people’s reactions to your work in perspective.

Even if you’re confident of your opinion about yourself, be open to receiving

criticism. The goal is to let your voice flourish while allowing space for
feedback.

4. It’s not all about the outcomes.

You’re only setting yourself up for failure and disappointment if you pin all your hopes
on a particular outcome over which you may have no control.

Instead, it’s a better idea to concentrate on the ‘process’ rather than the outcome by
making yourself indispensable through increased efficiency or organizational skills.

Remember not to let external validation go too far. Else, you give people
around you the permission to determine your worth and value. In such cases,
find out the insecurities holding you back and work ground up to build your
identity. Even when you practice such internal validation, beware not to give in
to confirmation bias.

If you want to break the cycle of validation it’s important that you do

these things:

5. Know thyself
This is the hardest one to do…but the most essential. You need to ask

yourself one question:

Who the fuck am I?

Really. Truly.

Think back to when you were a young tyke. Who was he before the

opinions of the world and self-limiting beliefs got in his way?

Take 10-15 minutes and sit in a quiet room and think about this. Without

this knowledge, you’ll just end up following other people.

Am I saying approval from friends and family is a bad thing? Nope.

Having people who have known you for years acknowledge your

accomplishments gives you an indescribable feeling.

You just need to understand that social media is a tool. Familial approval

is a tool. These can let you know that you may be on the right track

towards greater achievement.

Lastly, you need to understand that chasing an unrealistic level of

validation is ultimately a road to nowhere – one that wastes time, wastes

life, and ultimately wastes potential.

That’s all I’m saying. You can’t spend your life surrounded by a bunch of

yes-men, shielding you from the ups and downs of life.

Lots of people spend and have spent their entire life riding a high of

validation until it all came crashing down leading to their physical or

emotional demise.

Like many things in life, you’ve to strike a balance with validation.