ICANSAVEMYSELF

I
ntr
oduct
ion
Istoodinf r
ontofmymi rrorstari
ngatt hebr ui ses
andf orthefir
sttimei nal ongt i
meiact ually
wonder edwhati tist hatchangedi nmymar riage.
Whendi dmyhusbandbecomet hismonst erthat
feedsofbashi ngmyheadagai nstthewal land
watchingmebegf orf orgivenessf orthingsInever
didwr ong.Itooki nadeepbr eaththensl owl y
exhaledandappl yedmyf oundationi nthicklayer s
justtocoverupt hescar st heniwor eablackpant s
suitwithawhi tebl ouseandbl ackpumps.Oneof
thethingsthatleadst omyhusbandbeat ingmei s
wearingclothest hatat tr
actmenandt ohim, that '
s
anythingthatshowsski norheel s.Hehat esheel s.
Myhusbandandihavebeenmar ri
edf or5year s
nowandi twasn'tal wayst hi
sbad.Wewer einl ove,
youngandhadheadsf il
ledwi t
hdr eams.Mar rying
youngwaswhatI 'veal wayswant edsowhenisai di
doatt heageof21, i
tfeltrightbutt hatallchanged
i
nt he3r dyearofourmar r
iage.Ifellpregnantand
hewasn' treadytoshar eme.Ir ememberbei ng
curl
eduponourbat hr
oom floorwithbloodbetween
mylegsaft
erhehadbeat enmeupsomucht hati
l
ostthebaby.Thatwasthefirstti
meandt her
ehave
beensomanyot herbeat
ingst hatfol
lowed.My
nameisSimlindi
leNgcobo,thewi f
eofSandi l
e
Ngcoboandthisismyst or
y.
*
*
<Sambul
o>
Thereisnosucht hi
ngasabl ueMondayi fyoulove
whatyoudo.That '
sat heor yistrongl ybeli
evein
andi l
ovewhatido.Not hi
ngbr i
ngsmegr eaterjoy
thanmyj ob,wellidon'thaveawi feandki dssoi
l
iveformyj obandmysi bli
ngs.Af t
ershower ing,i
getdressedinmysl i
mf i
tblack3pi ecesuitanda
whiteshir
t.Ialwaysgocl assicbl ackandwhi t
eon
Mondays.WhenI 'm doneget t
ingr eady,ihead
downstairsforbreakfast.Istilll
iveathome, yesI'
m
28andist il
lli
vewi t
hmypar entsandi t
sbychoi ce
real
lybecauseIcanaf fordmyownpl ace.Myt win
brot
herandIownal awf i
rmt hatwe' vebeen
runningfor2yearsnow.Ihave4si bl
ings,mytwin
brotherSabelo,myoldersi
sterTshepiso,my
youngersisterSomil
aandmyl i
tt
lebrotherShaka.
Mynamei sSambul oSmithandt hi
sismyst ory.
*
*
<Sabel
o>
Ihat ewomen!Okmaybenotal lwomenbuti
stronglydisli
kemybabymama.Notonl ydidshe
cheatonmebutnowshehasdeci dedthatshehas
hadenoughofbei ngamot herandwant stogol i
ve
herbestl i
feinanotherprovince...
withoutherson.
It
'st hemiddleofaschoolt erm andnowIhavebeen
facedwi ththechall
engeoff indingmy9yearol d
sonaschooli nthemi ddl
eofMar ch.Whenmy
alarm goesof f,
Iam hitwithther eal
ityofthestart
oft heweek.Monday!Iswi t
chi toff,str
etchand
yawnt henmakemywayt othebat hroom.Ihadt o
getahousewhenSnedr oppedLwandi sooffatmy
bachel orfl
atwithnothingbutthecl othesonhis
back.Thei ronyinhowmybi rthmot her'snamei s
Sneandshedeser tedusandt heSneIi mpr egnated
hasdonet hesamewi t
hmyson.Makesmel augh
everyti
meIt hi
nkabouti t.Aftergetti
ngdr essedin
caramelchinos,whiteshirtandbr ownshoes, ihead
toLwandiso'sroom towakehi m up.Mysonwas
bornaf ewyearsaftermygr andfatherdiedandt his
i
showIchoset ohonourt hemant hatraisedmef or
thefi
rst5yearsofmyl if
e.Inamedmysonaf terhim.
Mynamei sSabeloSmi thandt hi
sismyst ory
*
*
Justtogetyourmi
ndsof
fKonkewhi
leit
ypet
he
fi
nale
ICANSAVEMYSELF
*
1*
<Si
mli
ndi
le>
Iam ateacherbyprofessionandmyhusbandi sa
pol
iceman.Ialwayslaughatt hatirony,
iam abused
byapolicemanandyeti tsthepolicethatar
emeant
toprot
ectus.I'
venevertriedtoreportmyhusband,
whatwoul dbethepoint?Thesepol
icepeopleare
allf
riendssowhywoul dtheyarr
estthei
rfri
end?
Sandi l
ewakesupjustasiam abouttowalkoutof
ourbedr oom.Hestret
chesandyawnsbef ore
real
izingwhatishappening

Sandi
le:uyaphi
?
Me:wor
k.I
t'
sMondayt
oday
Hi
m:whydidn'
tyouwakemeupsoicant
akeyout
o
wor
k?Ubuzohambangani
?

Icanheart heangerbui
ldingupi nhi
svoiceandmy
heartstart
sraci
ng.Asilentprayerwasalready
taki
ngpl acei
nmyhear tthathemust n'
thitme,not
today.Notonmybi rt
hday

Me:idi
dn'twanttowakeyouup,
iknowl
astni
ght
wasquit
er ough
Myvoi
cei
str
embl
ing

Hi
m:myquest
ioni
subuzohambangani
?
Me:t
axi
s
Hi
m:nowifeofmi
newil
ltaketaxiswhi
leI'
m st
il
l
ar
ound.Gi
veme5minsandI'
lltakeyoutowork

Inoddedanddashedoutoft hebedroom asquickl

y
asicould.Whenigott ot helounge,isi
ghedheavil
y.
Iconstantl
yli
vemyl if
ei nfearbecauseiknowican
neverescapethisman.Hehasconnect i
onsinthe
poli
ceforce,hecouldfindmenomat t
erhowf ari
run.Myhusbandi squitehandsome, t
all
,car
amel
skinandabuf fbody.Hehast hemostbeautif
ul
eyesbuttheyquicklyturnintothoseofamonst er
whenhei sangry.

Hi
m:l
et'
sgo
Heemer gesoutofourbedr oom dr essedinbl ack
rugbyshor t
sandawhi t
evest .Hesl i
deshisfeet
i
ntohi sNi kefl
ipfl
opsandusher smeout sidethe
house.Ourhousei sjustast andar dhousef ora
middlecl assfamily,
3bedr ooms, themai nonewi th
anensui tebathroom, alounge, diningroom, kitchen
andbat hroom.Si mpleandver yhomey.Thedr iveto
theschooli sar at
hersil
entone, notevent her adio
i
spl ayi
ngandIam l ostinmyownt houghts

Me:t
hankyou
Hi
m:gi
vemeaki
ss

Imovemyheadclosert
ohis,weshareaslowki ss
theni
breaki
tthemomentifeelhi
stongueinvade
mymout h

Me:idon'
twantt
obel
ate
Hi
m:il
oveyouSi
mi
Me:il
oveyout
oo
Idolovehim,thesamewayi didwhenwest ar
ted
dat
ing8yearsago.Wewer ebothinmatr
icbutwhen
iwenttovarsi
ty,hewenti
ntothepol
iceacademy

Hi
m:andhappybi
rt
hdaymyl
ove

Ismil
e,genui
nel
ysmi
le.Iam happyt
hathe
remembered

Me:your
emember
ed
Hi
m:icoul
dneverf
orget
.Haveagoodday

Ismil
eandwaveasiwat chthecardri
veoff.So
nowknowingthather ememberedmybi r
thday,has
mademef orgetaboutthebeati
nghegavemet wo
weeksago.Whenigett othestaffr
oom,imake
myselfacupofstrongblackcoff
eethenmingle
wit
htherestofthestaff
.I'
m oneof4young
educatorsinthi
sschool,
theother3bei
ng
Khulekani,
JessicaandUsit
handil
e.Duetomy
husbandbei ngtheki
ndofmant hathei
s,I'
m cl
oser
toJessicaandUsi more.

Usi
:ihat
eMondays
Me:noyoudon't
.Youhateassembl
ybecauseof
youroneni
ghtst
andwiththenewdeput
yprinci
pal
Usi:hekeepsl
ooki
ngatmel
ikehehasseenme
naked
Jess:t
hat
'
sbecausehehasseenyounaked

Usigruntsj
ustasthebellri
ngs.Accordingtoher,
whenshehookedupwi t
hMrMi l
ler,
shewasn' t
awarethathewasgoingt obewor ki
ngher e.I
t'
snot
thekindofconver
sati
onyouhavedur i
ngaone
nightst
andanyway

Usi
:Whenwi
llt
hisbeover
?If
eell
ikeI
'
m bur
ningi
n
hel
l
Jess:stophavi
ngoneni
ghtst
andsandyouwon'
t
feell
ikethat
Usi:okjudgej
udyanditwasmyfi
rstandlastt
ime.
Myf at
herwouldki
llmeifhef
oundoutaboutsuch
t
hings

Afterassemblywewentt oourcl assr

ooms.It each
grade4Engl i
sh,MathsandCr eativear
ts.Thereare
4gr ade4classessoihavemyhandsf ul
l.Iget
throughthefir
st3periodsbefor ebreakti
met heni
got othestaf
froom towar m upmymacar oniand
mincet hatI
'm havi
ngforlunch

Jess:haveyoueverhadamomentwher
eyouseea
hotguyanditfeel
sli
keyouar
eseei
ngdoubl
e?
Usi
:it
scal
ledgoi
ngt
hroughawhor
ephase

Il
aughandJessj
oinsi
n.Ther
eisneveraser
ious
momentwhenUsit
handi
lei
saround
Jess:nobitch,
I'
m seri
ous.Iwaswit
ht headmin
cl
erkrightandthesetwohotguyswalkedinand
askedfortheprinci
pal
.
Usi
:iwantt
oseetheseguys,
let
sgot
otheadmi
n
ar
ea.ComeSimi
Me:I
'
m st
il
leat
ingguys
Usi
:Si
mipleasedon'
tbethebor
ingmarr
iedgogo,
wedon'
tneedthatki
ndofnegat
ivi
tyi
nourci
rcl
e.
Yi
zababes

Shebasi cal
lydraggedmeandmyl unchboxof
macar onitotheadmi narea.Wemadesmal ltal
k
withtheadmi nlady,iconti
nuedeatingbecause
reall
yiwashungr yandt hensuddenl yt
hewhol e
l
obbyf il
ledwithaheavenl yscentofmasculine
cologne

Jess:t
her
etheyar
e

Shewaswhi
sper
inganddoi
ngheadandeye
si
gnals,ser
iousl
yshelookedri
diculous.Iwas
draggedhereagainstmywil
l,
ihavenoi nt
eresti
n
anymanapar tfr
om theoneimar r
ied

Usi
:mxm whatawast
e
Jess:whatdoyoumean?Theyar
egor
geous
Usi
:you'
l
lseewhy

Shewal kedaway, towardst heseguysandt hat'

s
whenIsawt hem.Act uall
yil ockedeyeswit
honeof
them andsuddenl yicouldn'tkeepcontactandmy
eyesdr oppedtomyf oodagai n.Iqui
ckl
yclosedmy
l
unchboxt henlookedupagai nandhewasst i
ll
star
ingatme.Noti nacr eepywaybuti na"whoar e
you"kindofway.Usi huggedbot ht
heguyst hen
walkedt owardsuswi ththem

Jess:isweari
fUsi
thandi
lehassl
eptwi
tht
heset
wo,
iwil
ldie
Me:dr
amat
icmuch?
Thi
sguyhasn'ttakenhiseyesoffme,I'
m even
get
ti
ngabituncomf ort
abl
e.Clearl
ytheyaretwins,
i
denti
cal
,sexytwinsinexpensi
vesuitsandcologne

Usi
:guysthesear
emycousi
ns,
Sabel
oand
SambuloSmith
Jess:whi
chi
swhi
ch?

Theguyt
hatwasst
ari
ngatmeanswer
s

?
?:I
'
m Sambul
oandhei
sSabel
o

Hehasthatdeepandbr
oadvoi
ce,
ital
mostcr
eat
es
anechowhenhespeaks

Usi
:thesear
emyf
ri
ends,
Siml
indi
leandJessi
ca
Sambul
o:Si
mli
ndi
le

Inod,
hei
sst
arr
ingatmeagai
nsoiqui
ckl
ylook
away

Jess:andJessi
cabutpl
ease,
docal
lmeJess

Sabel
o:we'
l
lremembert
hat
.Wel
lweneedt
oget
backt
otheoffi
ce
Usi
:whatwer
eyouevendoi
ngher
e?
Sabel
o:Iwant
edspacef
orLwandi
so.Hei
sst
ayi
ng
wit
hmenow
Usi
:andt
hebot
hofyouhadt
ocome?
Sambulo:wear
emor
epower
fulwhenwear
e
toget
her.

Jesswaspracti
cal
lymelt
ingoverSabel
owhichi
foundr
eal
lyfunnyunti
lSambulowalkedawayfr
om
t
hem andcamemyway

Sambul
o:Si
mli
ndi
le

Hesmiled,maki
nghi
m evensexi
ert
hanheal
ready
was.Iclear
edmythr
oat

Me:Sambul
o
Sambul
o:wow
Me:what
?
Sambul
o:youar
ebeaut
if
ul
Usi
:iknowr
ight
.herhusbandi
sonel
uckyguy

Hef
rownedandt
hesmi
ledi
sappear
ed

Sambul
o:husband?Youar
emar
ri
edSi
mli
ndi
le?
Inodded,suddenl
yf eel
inggui
lt
yaboutmymar
ri
age.
Whatwitchcraf
tisthis?

Sabel
o:ndodaiwi
lll
eaveyouher
e.Weneedt
oget
goi
ng

Sambulowassti
llstarr
ingatmewit
hconfusi
onon
hi
sfaceandicouldn'tl
ookathi
m anymor
e

Sambulo:uhm sor
ry,Ididn'
tmeantost
are.Sabel
o
i
sright,
weneedt ogo.itwasnicet
omeetyou
Si
ml i
ndil
e
Jess:andJessi
ca

Sabel
olaughedandshookhi
shead

Sabel
o:itwasnicet
omeetyouguys.Mzal
a,
si
zawthethaneh
Usi
:al
ri
ghtMzal
a
ICANSAVEMYSELF
*
2*
<Sambul
o>
Me:goodmor
ningf
ami
ly

Ikissmymom' scheekfi
rstt
henmyl
it
tl
esi
ster
's
beforesit
ti
ngdownbetweenmydadandmylit
tl
e
brother

Mom:youl
ookext
rahandsomet
oday

Ismil
e.Theloveisharewi
thmymot her
,makesit
har
df orpeopl
etobeli
evethatshei
sn'tmyreal
motherbutsheistheonl
ymot herI
'
veeverknown

Me:r
eall
y?Maybeimi
ghtj
ustbr
ingyouadaught
er
i
nlawtoday
Dad:youknowwheniwasyourageial
readyhada
chi
ld
Me:Sabel
ohasyoucover
edi
nthatdepar
tmentol
d
man

Myl i
tt
lesibl
ingsandmymom l aughwhil
emydad
grunt
si nir
ritat
ion.Sabel
ohashi sownpl ace,he
hasachi l
dsoi tsamust .OursonLwandi sois
9yearsold,hewasnamedaf terourgrandfather
whodi edaf ewyear sago.

Shaka:bhut
ipl
easedr
opusof
foncampus

It
urnt
olookatmypar
ent
s

Me:whenar
eyouget
ti
ngt
hem car
s?
Dad:whent
heyhavedegr
ees
Somi
la:i
tsnousebhut
i,evenif
ail
edi
nconvi
nci
ng
hi
m
Myl i
ttl
esi bli
ngsar emyl i
fe.Shakaandiar ereally
close,despitet he8yearsagedi f
ferenceandI 've
veryover protecti
veofSomi la.Touchmybabysi ster
andi willfuckyouup.Af t
erbreakfastwel eave,i
dropthem of fatUKZNt hendr i
vetot heoffi
ce.I
smi l
ewheniseet hesignageatourof f
ice."
Twi ce
theSmi thAt t
or neys"
.Sabelocameupwi thitand
i
t'scrappybutcat chy

Sabel
o:youar
elat
e
Me:udaki
we

Asmuchasmydadi sXhosaandwegr ewup

speaki
ngi si
Xhosa,
ijustprefertospeakZuluunless
I'
mt al
kingtomydad.Dadwi lli
gnoreyoustr
aight
upuntilyouspeakhislanguage.It
sf unnywhenhe
doesthattothewhit
epeopl e

Hi
m:youhavecour
tat9andwehavet
ogot
othe
schoolf
orLwandi
soat10
Me:we?
Hi
m:wear
eonebr
o.Hal
vesf
orl
if
e
Me:thatshi
tascut ewhenwewereki
ds.I
ts
ri
dicul
ousnowbutbecauseilovemyson,I
'l
lshow
up.Justdon'
tleaveme

Igetmygownf r
om myof f
ice,headtocourt.Idoa
coupl
eofappl
icati
onsandI '
m donein45mi nssoi
dri
vebackt
otheof f
ice.Myimpat i
entbr
otheris
al
readywai
ti
ngf ormeatthepar ki
nglot

Sabel
o:youwantyoursont
onothaveaschool
Me:ndodar
elax,
I'
m her
e.Let
sgo

Themeet i
ngwiththepri
ncipalgoesratherwel
l,i
expect
edthatthough.Sheisaf emale,
wear esexy
mensor eall
ynoonecanr esistus.Aswewal kout,
mycousinUsi t
handi
leapproachesus.Ihadeven
for
gott
enthatsheteachesher
e.I
tisaf
terI
'
ve
huggedherthatiseeanangel
.Noexagger
ati
on.

Me:Mzal
awhoi
sthat
?
Usi
:letmei
ntr
oduceyouguys

Iwanttotakemyeyesof fherbecausecr eepy

star
esarenotsexybuti tsasi fI'
m unableto.I'
ve
hadwomenbef or
e,tonsoft hem inf actbutnever
haveieverseenawomanl i
ket his.Sheisperfect
fr
om headtotoe,althoughIt hinkshewoul dlook
evenmor ebeauti
fulwithoutthemakeup.Ichuckl e
tomyselfathowshyshei sbei ng.

Me:Si
mli
ndi
le
Si
mi:Sambul
o
Me:wow
Her
:what
?
Me:youar
ebeaut
if
ul
Sheblushesandmywhol eworl
dst andsst i
ll
.Well
forj
ustaf ewsecondsuntilmycousinbur stsmy
bubble.Howisshemar r
iedwhenshel ooksso
young?Ican'tt
akemyeyesof fher.Ificouldjust
gethersurname,I'
l
lhavehernumberbef orethi
s
dayisover

Me:i
twasni
cet
omeetyouSi
mli
ndi
le
Si
mi:l
ikewi
se
Me:idi
dn'
tgetyoursur
name
Sabel
o:ndodayou'
l
lfi
ndmei
nthecar

Ii
gnor
ehi
m.Myf ocusi
sonmyfutur
ewif
e.Ideal
wit
hdi
vor
cecasesever
yweeksoiknowmarri
ages
end

Si
mi:Si
mli
ndi
leNgcobo.Mr
sSi
mli
ndi
leNgcobo
Me:ngi
kubi
zengomabani
?
Si
mi:MaMt
hembu

Inodwit
hasmi l
ebeforewalki
ngaway.Jackpot
.I
haveal
lherdet
ail
s,I
'
llj
ustforwardi
ttomyPIand
hewil
lsortmeoutwit
hallt
hei nf
ormati
on

Sabel
o:andnow?
Me:can'
tamansmi
le?I
sitacr
imef
oramant
o
smil
e?

Hel
aughedt
henshookhi
shead

Me:dawgdi
dyouseeher
?
Hi
m:ubani
?Usi
thandi
le'
smar
ri
edf
ri
end?
Me:voet
sekwhydoyouhavet
osayi
tli
ket
hat
?
Him:becauseyouwon'
tgether
.Sheismar
ri
edand
wedon'tdomarri
edwoman.ThatJessi
cat
houghi
s
somethi
ngelse
Me:yourt
ypebr
o.Whi
teandDesper
atear
enotmy
t
ypeofwomen

Hefli
ckedmet hemi
ddlef
ingerandijustl
aughedat
hi
m.Af t
ertext
ingmyPIal
lthedetai
ls,hesai
dhe
wi
llgetbacktomeandIhummedabeaut if
ultune
wi
ththebiggestsmi
leonmyf ace

Sabel
o:i
tsgoi
ngt
obeal
ongf
ucknday
Me:noti
fyouar
eashappyasIam

Wegett ot
heoffi
ceandther
eisanewf i
leonmy
desk.Ther
egoesmyhappymoodbutt heni
rememberthatil
ovewhatido.Igothr
oughi t
befor
esummoni ngmyCAt omyof f
ice

Kamo:yessi
r
Me:newcase.Wear
eneededatt
hepol
icest
ati
on
It
osshi
mthecarkeysandhef
oll
owsbehi
ndme

Me:di
dyout
aket
hef
il
e?
Hi
m:ohshi
t,it
hought
..
.
Me:j
ustgogeti
t

Herushesbackt otheof
fi
cethenwedr i
veofftothe
poli
cestat
ion.Poli
cehat
elawyers,
itsnosecretand
ther
eisthi
sonecopt hatpar
ti
cular
lyhatesSabelo
andI

Ngcobo:ohf
ucknhel
l
Me:det
ect
iveNgcobo
Ngcobo:uf
unaniSmi
th
Me:ngi
funaumunt
uwam Fuze
Ngcobo:wedon'
tkeeppr
ost
it
utesher
e,youknow
t
hat
Kamohelolaughs,
irr
it
ati
ngmebutigi
vehi
mthe
necessar
ylookandheshutsup

Kamo:sor
ry
Me:NgcoboIwantmycl i
ent
.Unlessyou'
vetaken
thebloodt
est
s,youhavenoreasontokeephim
here
Ngcobo:wewer
est
il
lwai
ti
ngf
ort
henur
set
oar
ri
ve
Me:arr
ivefr
om where?Ngcobothi
sisawasteof
mytimeandmoneyandt hestat
es'money.Rel
ease
t
heman, youdon'
tevenknowifhewasreall
ydrunk

Ngcoboisveryshorttemperedwhichi
swhyilike
deali
ngwithhi
m, hemakesmyj obver
yeasy.Wego
backandfort
hunt i
liwinobviousl
yandtheawait
ed
nursedoesn'
tar
rive

Me:i
tsal
waysapl
easur
eFuze
Ngcobo:f
uckof
fSmi
th.Onedayi
soneday.Ever
y
doghasi
tsday

Il
augh

Me:noti
nthi
sli
fet
ime

It
urnt
oKamo

Me:behavel
ikethatagai
nandyouwillbeoutofa
j
ob.Idon'
tcarewhoyourmotheri
s,Iam yourboss

Icanseethet
ear
sinhiseyes.Yhoi
weakl
ent
wana
andiblamehi
sparent
s.They'
vebabi
edhi
mtoo
much

Kamo:I
'
m sor
rysi
r.I
twi
llneverhappenagai
n
ICANSAVEMYSELF
*
3*
<Sabel
o>
Iknowmybr ot her,heckI '
veknownt heidiotmy
wholel if
eandIknowhei sinlovewi thUsi t
handi le'
s
mar r
iedf riendwhi chmeansineedt ogearupei t
her
tosavehi mf rom abr okenhear torgoi ngt owar
withahusband.Hei sthesof tonebet weent het wo
ofus, heseest hegoodi npeopl eatal ltimesunt il
yout hrowhi mi nt hecour troom.That 'swhenyou
seeanot hersi deofhi m.Att heendoft heday, i
l
eavehi m att heof fice.Hesl i
ght lylovest hisjob
mor ethanido, Iont heot herhandhaveapassi on
formoney, t
hat 'stheonl yreasonI '
mi nthi s
business.Asidr i
vehomet opickupmyson, i
receiveacal lfrom f rom agi rlI'
m cur rentlysleepi ng
with.Wear enoti nar elati
onshi p, wear ejustt wo
damagedpeopl ethatuseeachot herforsexsowe
don'thavet odealwi thourdemons.Ihavemommy
i
ssues( appar ent l
y)andshedef initel
yhasherf ai
r
shareofi ssues.Awhol evar i
ety.

Me:heyyou
Noti
cehowidon'
tusepetnamesorf ancyshitli
ke
that
?I'
m nott
heaff
ecti
onatet
ypeandi fiknowyour
name,whyshoul
di cal
lyoubyanyt
hingel se?

Thandi
:hey,
unj
ani
?
Me:ndi
grandandwena?
Her
:I'
m good.Canicomet
hrought
oni
ght
?
Me:it
hinkwearegoi
ngtohavetoputthi
sonice
f
ornow.unti
lI'
vesor
tedoutever
ythi
ngwit
hregar
ds
t
omyki d
Her:andhowlongwillt
hatt
ake?It
salr
eadybeena
weekSabelo.Ihaveneedsj
ustasyoudoandIdon'
t
gi
veyouexcuseswhenyoucomeknocki ngonmy
door

Ifiwasn'
tdri
ving,I
'dhavemyeyesshutr ightnow.i
hatehavingtoexplai
nmysel funnecessaril
y.
womenl i
ketober anafter
,repeati
ngthesamet hi
ng
andaskingthesamequest ionsallt
het i
me.
Me:j
ongaThandi,
I'
llcal
lyouwhenI
'
m set
tl
ed.I
'
m
dr
ivi
ngri
ghtnow
Her
:don'
tbot
her

Shehangsup.Ichuckl etomysel f,
I'
m goingt ofuck
thi
schi cksenselessoncemyl ifeisset
tled.shei s
goingtowi shshehadn' tdonethat.Whenipul lup
atmypar ents'
house, myheartdoescar t
wheel s.
Thereisjustsomet hingaboutbeingheret hat
warmsmyhear tandithasalott odowi t
hmy
mot herandmysi bl
ings.Dadandiar etooalikeso
wecl ashal ot

Mom:l
ookathowski
nnyyoul
ook

Ihaven'
tevengreetedandalr
eadyshei sanal
yzi
ng
mybodywei ght.Am iski
nny?Hellno.iworkout
,i
eatri
ghtanditakecareofmybody.I '
m notagym
fanat
icbutivi
sitthepl
aceatleast3ti
mesaweek.I
hugmymot her
,placeaki
ssonhercheekandsmi
le
warml
y.Il
ovethiswoman,morethanl
ifei
tsel
f

Me:maZul
ukaSmi
th

Sheblushes.Justthenmyol
dmanwal
ksi
ntot
he
room.Wedon' thug.Ever

Dad:yandoda
Me:wassupt
yma
Hi
m:voet
sek.Gr
eetpr
oper
ly

Il
augh.that
'smyfat
herforyou.ThegreatLoyiso
Smit
h.IplayafewgamesofFi f
awi t
hmyl it
tl
e
br
otherwhil
ewait
ingforsupper.I
'
m notleavi
ng
wi
thouteati
ngmymot her'
sfood

Me:how'
sschool
?
Shaka:i
tsal
lgood.Canicr
ashatyourpl
acet
his
weekend?

Itur
ntol
ookathi
m br
ief
lybef
oref
ocusi
ngont
he
game

Me:ngoba?
Him:myfri
endsandiwanttogoclubbingand
uyamazkal
okutataandthest
upidcurfew.Ican'
t
comehomeatmi dni
ghtonaFriday.That'
slame

Ilaughed.Mydadi
sput
ti
ngthesetwothr
oughthe
mostbuti t
spr
obabl
ymom'sdoing,
shebabi
es
them toomuch

Me:uhm yeahsur
e,idon'tmindbutt
hatwoul
d
meanifineedababysi
tter,
youwon'tcompl
ain
Hi
m:never
.Yhot
hanksbhut
i
Byt
het
imewehavesupper,Sambul
oisbackand
hei
sst
il
lwhi
stl
ingl
ikeani
diot
.

Sambul
o:mamar
ememberwhatisai
dthi
smor
ning
Dad:wit
hamout
hthatbi
g,yousayal
otsobe
speci
fi
c
Sambul
o:ndi
thet
hanomamakal
okol
dman,
rel
ax

Mydadgr unt
edandilaughed.Hehat
esbei
ng
cal
ledol
d.Idon'
tknowhowheexpectstobeyoung
at63.Nj
ani?

Mom:youar
eget
ti
ngmeadaught
eri
nlawt
oday
Sambul
o:exact
ly.Shei
ssoper
fect
,iknowyouwi
ll
l
oveher
Me:youarest
il
lgoi
ngonaboutt
hatgi
rl
?She
bel
ongstosomeoneel
sendoda,
muyeke
Sambul
o:hayichat
odayi
sonehel
lofaday,
ngi
khul
umanomamawam andyetotherpeopl
e
keepbut
ti
ngi
n.We'l
lcont
inueThislat
erwena
mama.Whencert
ainpeopleabanomonaareno
l
ongerar
ound

Afterdi
nner,LwandisoandIdrovehome.I t'
shis
fi
rstdayatschooltomor r
owandist i
llneedtosort
outhisunif
orm andallthatnonsense.I'
m goingt
o
fuckupthissingl
edadnonsensesomuch, ican
alr
eadyfeelit.

Me:OKndoda,
takeashower
,br
ushyourt
eet
hand
gotobed
Lwandi
so:can'
tit
akeabat
h?
Me:hel
lno.Mendon'
ttakebat
hs.Ever
.Thatshi
tis
gay

Hegivesmeaconfusedlookaft
erthelast4words
escapemymouth.Fuck.KaneneI'
m notsupposed
tosweari
nfr
ontofachild
Me:nevermi
nd.Justt
akeashower
.It
smor
e
hygi
eni
c

Iwasdonewi t
heverythingat11pm.Uniformironed,
l
unchmadeandbookspacked.I 'mti
red,nah
scratchthat
,I'
m exhausted.Myeyesshutt he
momentmyheadhi t
st hepil
low.Asexhaustedasi
am, Iam happytobelivingwithmyson.I'm agood
dad, t
hatmuchiknow.SamewayiknowI '
m agreat
brothert
oo.
ThenextdayI '
m wokenupbyaknockont hedoor
beforemyal arm goesof f.Whot hehel lcoul
dt hat
beandwhywoul dt hesecurit
iesall
owavi sit
ori n
withoutcleari
ngi twithme?Icheckt het i
me,its
fl
ippen5:45am.You' vegottobeki ddingme.Ihead
forthedoor ,
clearlystil
lhal
fasleep.Iopeni tandmy
sisterf
loatsin.Isayf l
oatsinbecauseshei sdr unk
andi doubtherf eetarecarryi
ngher .Shei sn'
tal one,
shei swith2ot herfri
ends

Me:Tshepiwhatt
hef
uckbr
uh?
Tshepi:aski
esmntasekhaya,wej
ustneedaplace
tocrash.wekindagotcarr
iedawayl
astnight
Me:car
ri
edaway?Howt
hehelldoyougetcar
ri
ed
awayonaMondayandwher
eisMazwi?

Mazwiisherboyfriend.Dadcan'tstandhim but
becausehelovesTshepi ,
hetolerat
eshim.Theguy
hasweirdtendenci
esofcont r
olli
ngmysi st
erbut
shedoesn'tseeit
.I'vel
ostcountonhowmany
ti
meswe' vetr
iedtomakeherseet heli
ghtbutshe
becomesoneoft he3bl i
ndmi cewhenhei sar ound

Nkagi
:theyf
ought
Tshol
o:MazwiandLor
enzodr
oppedusof
fher
e
Me:don'
tyouguyshavewor
ktoday?
Tshepi
:wedoandwe'
l
lgo.Ij
ustneedanhouror
twoandI'
l
lbefi
ne

Il
edt
hem t
ooneoft
hespar
eroomsandt
hey
passedoutbeforeireachedmyroom wheremy
alar
m wasr i
nging.It
ookashower,pour
edcereal
formyselfandLwandisothenwokehim up.Iwoke
mysi st
erupjustbeforewelef
t

Me:l
eavemykeyswi
tht
hesecur
it
yguar
d
Tshepi
:shap
Me:I
'
llcal
lyoul
ater
Her
:ifi
tst
olect
ureme,
rat
herdon'
t
Me:l
ikeisai
d,I
'
llcal
lyoul
ater
Her
:Il
oveyou
Me:don'
t.youar
esucki
ngupandi
tsnotgoi
ngt
o
work

Soi ttur
nsoutmybr ot
her'
scrushismyson'sclass
teacher.IunderstandSambulo'
sobsessionwi
thher,
shei sbeauti
fulanddefini
tel
yhist
ypebutobviousl
y
wewi l
lnoti
gnor ethet
inyfactt
hatsheismarr
ied
Mr
sNgcobo:goodmor
ning

Ihonest
lyf
orgothernamebuthersur
namei
s
wri
ttenont
heboard

Me:morni
ng.Ij
ustwant
edt
omeethi
steacher
bef
oreil
eft
Her:al
ri
ght
.wil
lyoubepicki
nghim upordoeshe
useotherf
ormsoftr
ansport
ati
on?
Me:uhm I
'
llpi
ckhi
m up
Her
:OK

Isai
dmygoodbyesthenheadedtotheoff
ice.asi
sett
ledonmydesk,
irecei
vedatextf
rom Thandi

"SOYOUDECIDEDNOTTOCALLBACKORARE
YOUSTILLDRIVI
NG?
"
Idon'thavet i
mef orthi
snonsensesoii gnoreitand
gettowor k.Sambul ohandlesallthelit
igat
ionand
courtappear anceswhileIdomost l
ytheoutof
courtthi
ngs.Idon' tl
ikethepressureofhavi ng
someone' slifeonmyhands.I tstoomuch.Myot her
hal
fwal tzesintomyof ficej
ustafterlunch.No
whistl
ingt oday,t
hankt heheavens

Sambul
o:I
'
m sohungr
y,whatdi
dyoueat
?
Me:Nandos.her
e
Hi
m:yhot hanksbr
uh.TheVanWykat t
empted
murdert
ri
alhasbeenadjour
nedunt
ilThur
sday
Me:gr
eatt
hatgi
vesusmor
eti
me

Hei
salreadydevour
ingt
hechickenandt
alki
ngwi
th
f
oodinhismouth.Heissuchamess

Me:yourgi
rl
fr
iendi
sLwandi
so'
steacher
Hi
m:gett
hef
uckoutofher
e.ar
eyouser
ious?
Me:noI
'
m maki
ngj
okes
Hi
m:mxm f
uckyou

Il
augh

Me:okI
'
m ser
ious

Hejumpsup,
forget
sabouttheChi
ckenandst
art
s
doi
ngsomestupiddance.
ICANSAVEMYSELF
*
4*
<Si
mli
ndi
le>
WhenIgothome, IthoughtSandi l
ewoul dhave
gonealloutformybi rthdaybuthewasn' teven
home.Maybehej ustst eppedoutandhewi llbe
backsoon.Idecidednott ocook,i
tsmybi rt
hday
afteral
landweal waysgooutf ordinneronthisday.
Itookalongshower ,justrefl
ecti
ngont heeventsof
today.IwonderwhyUsi thandi
le'
scousinkept
l
ooki ngatmel iket hat.Itwaswei rd,noonehasever
l
ookedatmel iket hat.Af terawhi leigotoutt he
shower ,gotdressedi nwhi tehighwai stj
eggings
andadeni m shi r
t,tuckedi natt hefront.Ipl
acedmy
bluestilet
tosandmyhandbagi nthel oungewhi leI
wai t
edf ormyhusband.Mi nutest urnedtohour s
andt herewasnot hi ngf r
om hi m.It riedcall
ingbut
hekeptdecl i
ningmycal l.Itwasonl ywhent he
soundsoft heGener ationst it
lesequencef i
ll
edmy
l
ivingroom t hatiaccept edwhatihadbeeni ndeni al
aboutf orhour snow.Hewasn' tcomi nghome.I
changedi ntomyni ghtdr ess, defrostedworsand
steakthencookedpapandchakal aka.Ineeded
somet hingqui ckandf ill
ing.Howcoul dSandi ledo
thistome?Heknowsj usthowmuchmybi rthday
meanst omebutgetdeci dest otreatthemost
i
mpor t
antoneasj ustsomer andom day.Asigeti n
bed, ir
eceiveacal l f
rom Usi thandi l
e

Me:heyf
ri
end
Usi
:bi
tchwhydidn'
tyour
emi
ndmet
hati
tsyour
bi
rt
hdaytoday?
Me:isthatsomet
hingir
eal
lyneedt
oremi
ndyou
about?
Her:yes!Especi
all
ywhenJessi
sinwhor
emode
andtalki
ngaboutmenallday

Il
aughedsoftl
y.Jessisr
eall
yfascinat
edbythe
Smit
htwins.shejustwoul
dn'tshutupaboutt
hem

Me:i
t'
sOKf
ri
end.I
t'
sjustanot
herday

Notreal
lybutbecauseofSandi
le,
itf
eel
sli
kej
ust
anot
herday

Her:ohhel
lno.I
'l
lmakeituptoyouthi
sweekend.
wear egoi
ngoutandI'
m nott
akingnoforan
answer
Me:nomyf
ri
end,
itsf
iner
eal
ly
Her:Fr
idaynightwearepai
nti
ngthet
ownr ed.I
havetogo.loveyouandenj
oythebir
thdaysex
Shel
aughedandijustchuckl
ed.Whatbi
rt
hdaysex
whenthemanisn'
tevenhere

Me:byecr
azy

Ihungupandt ri
edsl eepi ngbuticouldn't.Ijust
keptt ossingandt urning.Di ditbot
hermet hatmy
abusi vehusbandwasn' thomeat10pm?Yes, yesi
t
did.Iwaswor ri
edi nfact .Hisphonewasnow
ringingunanswer ed.Itookabookf rom theni ght
standandst art
edr eading, Iknowiwon' tbeabl eto
sleepsoimi ghtaswel lfeedmyi magi nation.itwas
justaf t
ermi dni
ghtwhenihear dthedooropeni ng
thenaf ewmi nuteslaterihear dpotlidsopeni ng
andt hat '
swhenigotoutofbedandwal kedt othe
kitchen

Me:yourf
oodi
sint
hemi
crowave
Hedidn'
tsayanyt
hingbutpr
essedbut
tonsont
he
micr
owaveanditstar
tedspi
nni
ng

Me:wer
eyouwor
kingover
ti
me?
Sandi
le:yes
Me:onmybi
rt
hday
Him:yes.Ist
il
lhaveaj
obwhet
heri
tsyourbi
rt
hday
ornotSimli
ndil
e

Thosewordscutthr
oughmyheartli
keasharp
blade.Hewasn'
tint
hemoodt ot
alktomesoi
turnedonmyheelsandst
art
edwalkingaway

Hi
m:uyaphi
?
Me:I
'
m goi
ngt
obed.i
tsl
ate
Hi
m:andwhowi
llser
vememyf
ood?

Andasi
foncue,
themi
crowavebel
lrang.Isi
ghed
soft
lyasiwalkeddeeperi nt
ot hekit
chen.Ipour ed
waterinaTupperwarebasi nthenkneeledi nfr
ontof
wher ehewasseated.yesikneel wheniser vemy
husband.Ionceforgottokneelbecausewewer e
tal
kingandhethrewt hewat erinmyf ace.anyway
whenhewasdonewashi nghi shands,iplacedhis
foodonat r
aytogetherwithhi scutl
eryandacanof
coke.Sandi
ledoesn'tdri
nkal coholnordoeshe
smoke.Isatnexttohim whi l
eheat e

Hi
m:idi
dn'
tfor
getyourbi
rt
hdaySi
mli
ndi
le
Me:butyouwer
enother
e.I
tsasgoodasf
orget
ti
ng
Hi
m:ihadast r
essf
ulday,idi
dn'
twantt
otakei
tout
onyou.nott
odaysoitookovert
ime

Onewoul dthi
nksomewhereinbetweenallofthis,
ther
ewoul dbeanapologycomingmywaybutt hat
neverhappens.Sandi
leNgcobodoesn'
tapologize

Me:I
'
m sor
ryyouhadast
ressf
ulday
Idot heapol ogi
zingforhim.Eventomyself.He
smilest hencontinueseati
ng.whenheisdone, I
Washhi sdishesthenwegot obed.AsI
'm aboutto
checki fmyal ar
mi sswitchedontowakemeupf or
work, inoti
ceamessagef rom anumberthat'
snot
savedonmyphone

"HAPPYBIRTHDAYMAMVELASE.IHOPEI'
M THE
LASTPERSONTOSAYI TANDITRUSTTHATYOU
HADAGOODDAY.ICAN' TWAI
TTOSEEYOU
AGAIN.GOODNIGHT.SAMBULO"

Ismil
edbutpanickedabi
tbecauseidon'
t
remembergi
vinghim mynumberbutthenmaybei
t
wasUsit
handil
e.

Sandi
le:what
'ssoamusi
ngonyourphone?
Me:huh?
Hi
m:youar
esmi
li
ngt
oyour
sel
f.What
'ssoamusi
ng?
Myhear
tstar
tsr
acing.Ihavetoli
e.I
fI'
m goi
ngt
o
makei
tthr
oughthenightal
ive,
Ihavetoli
e

Me:i
tsjustoneoft
hosef
unnychai
nmessages.I
ts
f
rom Jessi
ca
Hi
m:OK.For
war
ditt
omei
nthemor
ning
Me:i
t'
snott
hatf
unny
Him:isai
dfor
wardi
ttomei
nthemor
ning.I
'
ll
deci
deformysel
f
Me:OK

Hei ni
ti
atedsex, iwasn'tinthemoodbuthewasso
thatmeansi nhiseyesiam t oo.Thesexisgoodbut
that'
sallitis,j
ustsex.Hei sroughandhedoes
theseweir dthingslikechoki ngmeandf ucki
ngme
i
nt heass.i tsuncomf or
tablebutitmakeshim cum
harderthanal ltheot herbasicthingswedo.The
nextdaywhenIsawSabel o,iknewitwasn't
Sambul o.hedi dn'thavet hatwarmt hi
nhiseyesli
ke
Sambul
odoes,
inst
eadhi
seyeswer
ehar
dandcol
d.

Duri
ngr ecessJessor
der
edNandosfordeli
ver
yand
becausewecanbest i
ngy,wel
ockedoursel
vesin
herclassroom

Usi
:sowhatdi
dthehusbandgetyou?
Me:sex

Iroll
edmyeyesasi tookabi tei
ntomyf l
amegril
led
chickenwing.Icouldfeelthem stari
ngbutI'
m not
goingtoentertai
nthem.We' vebeenf ri
endsforj
ust
overayearbutt heydon'tknowt heinsandoutsof
mymar r
iage.Idon'
tneedt hepitylooksandthe
neverendingadvice.Justthinki
ngabouti ti
sti
ri
ng

Jess:okandwhatel
se?
Me:Usi
thandi
lewhydi
dyougi
veyoucousi
nmy
number
?
Shef
rowned,herandJessshar
edwhatl
ookedl
i
ke
amomentthenlookedatme

Me:what
?
Jess:f
ir
stl
yyouar
ebei
ngcageyaboutt
hehusband
Usi
:secondl
yyouar
echangi
ngt
hesubj
ect
Me:t
ellhi
m idon'
tappr
eci
atehi
stext
s

Agai
ntheylookedateachot her.Theyarecl
ear
ly
havi
ngsomesecr etconversati
onthatI'
vebeen
excl
udedfrom.idon'tcar
e,aslongassheknows
howifeelaboutt
hewhol ething

Usi
:letmeseet
het
ext

Ifi
dgetar
oundmyhandbagbutican'tf
indmy
phone.DammitIf
orgott
hedamnthingonthesi
de
pedest
al

Me:I'l
lfor
wardi ttoyoulat
er.iforgotmyphone.i
t
wasn'tanythi
ngf ancy,
justwishingmeahappy
bi
rthdayandst oplooki
ngateachot her
,youar
e
annoyingme
Jess:I
'mjustt
ryi
ngt
ounder
standwhat
's
happeni
nghere
Usi
:yeahmet
oo
Me:whatdoyoumean?Youarebusydishi
ngout
mypersonali
nfor
mat
iont
oyourfamil
ymember s

Idi
dn'treal
izet
hatIwasannoyedbyt hi
sunti
lnow.
Theleastshecoul
dhavedonei scheckwit
hme

Usi
:fr
iendIhaven'
tspokentoanyofmycousi
ns
si
ncetheyl
efthereyest
erday
Me:t
henwher
edi
dhegetmynumber
?
Jess:t
hemor
eimpor
tantquest
ioni
swher
ehe
foundyournumber,
wasn'tmynumbercloseby?
Simiismarr
ied,
I'
m si
ngl
e.I'mtheopt
ionthat
makessensehereoram itheonl
yonethatsees
that
?

Il
ookather,
Usit
handi
lel
ooksather
.Wekeepour
st
aresgoi
ngforawhil
e

Jess:what
?I'
mjustsayi
ng
Usi
:don'
twor
rymyl i
tt
lewhorefri
end,wear
egoi
ng
cl
ubbi
ngonfr
iday,
you'llf
indyourguy

Ilaugh.I
'
velongf
orgott
enthatiwasannoyedwi
th
thesepeopl
enotsolongago

Me:I
'
m pr
ayi
ngf
oryou
Usi
:inyourprayer
s,ki
ndl
yincl
udet
hatIl
ikemy
mentall
,car
amel andl
oaded
Jess:ij
ustl
ikemi
nest
rai
ghtandsexy.I
'
m notpi
cky
atal
l

Thebellr ang,savingmef rom t

hesetwoidiot
si
cal
ledfriends.ther estoft
hedaywasj ustmellow,
nothi
ngexci ti
nghappened.Wel lI
'
m aprimary
schoolteacher ,nothi
ngexciti
ngeverhappens.
Whent hedaycamet oanend,Iwassurpri
sedto
seeSandi le'
sFor dRangeri nt
heparki
nglot.hewas
l
eaningagai nstt hepassengerdoorasifj
ust
waiti
ngtoopent hedoorforme.
ICANSAVEMYSELF
*
5*
<Sambul
o>
Iwasabi thurtwhenshedi dn'trespondt omyt ext
butIam evenmor emot i
vatedt ogoaf terher.Ther
e
i
snowayi nhellthatI
'l
lletawomanl ikeSimlindi
le
sl
ipthroughmyf ingers.I'
mj ustgoi ngtohavet obe
str
ategicaboutthisandnowt hatIknowwhoher
husbandis,thi
sjustgotal itt
lemor eexci t
ingforme.
Ngcobobet t
erbringhisAgamet othi
spar ty
becauseI'minlovewi thhiswi feandI 'l
lst
opat
nothi
ngtomakehermi ne.Afterhavi
nglunchwith
mybr ot
her
,iwentbacktomyownof ficeandt
ried
tocal
lherbutherphonerangunanswer edtwi
ce
befor
eamal evoi
ceanswer ed.Holyfuck

"
Hel
lo,
"

Iwantt osaysomet hi
ngstupidj
ustt
opi sshim of
f
butthi
si sn'tt
heri
ghtenvi
ronmentsoijusthungup.
Ialsodidn'twanttogetSi
mlindi
lei
ntrouble,
Iknow
I'
dlosemymi ndifsomeguyspokecrapt omeon
mywi fe'
sphone.
AsperusualIendedupl eavingtheoffi
celat
e,t
his
VanWykcasei sthefir
stcaseI '
vestruggl
edwit
h
si
ncemyf i
rstyearofarti
cles.Therearetoomany
l
ooseendsandIdon' tthi
nkmycl i
entisbei
ng
compl
etel
yhonestwi thme.

Me:I
'
mlocki
ngup
Kamo:I
'
m comi
ngsi
r
Hecl ear edhi sdeskandf ol
lowedmeout .Ilocked
upandwewentoursepar ateways.Idon' tknow
whathaddi stractedmet otheext entthatidi dn'
t
realizet hatt hetr affi
clightwasr edbecauseidr ove
straightt hr
oughi tandanoncomi ngcarcr ashed
i
ntomycaront hesi de.Ihavet ogivepr opst othe
driver ,her eallydi dtrytoavoi dmycarbutt hewei r
d
par tist hathedi dn'tstop.Hej ustdrovepastbuti
wasn' tbadl yinjur ed,j
ustacutonmyar m andon
myf or eheadandit hinkmyl egisbroken

Mom:ar
eyouOK?Whathappened?

I'
vebeenatthehospitalf
oracoupl eofhoursnow,
myar m hasbeensti
tchedup, myforehead
plast
eredandmyl egisintheair.i
tsdefi
nit
ely
brokenandI'
m drunkonpai nki
ll
ers

Me:I
'
mfi
nemama.I
'
m al
ive
Dad:whathappened?Whocr
ashedi
ntoyou?
Me:i
twasmyf
aul
t.idr
ovet
hroughar
edr
obot
Dad:mxm t
uckshopl
icensedr
ivi
ng

IwanttolaughbutI'mtoodr owsybutmymom
smackedhim ont heshoulderwit
hherhandbag.
Bef
oretheyleftSabel
oar r
ived,hedidn'
tlook
worr
ied.Iseesomuchofmydadi nhi m,it
scrazy.
Thi
sniggalackssomuchemot i
on,weallknowhe
car
esbuthewoul dnevershowsi t

Sabel
o:ar
eyouawake?
Me:bar
ely
Hi
m:whodi
dyoupi
ssof
fthi
sti
me?

Ichuckl
edsof
tl
y.Tr
usthi
mtopasssuchcomment
s
atatimeli
ket
his
Me:nooneman.Iwast
ext
ing
Hi
m:wi
thyourphonei
nyourpocket
?
Me:OKmaybeIwasn' tt
ext
ingbutbr
uhthi
swasan
acci
dent.arealacci
dent
,notoneoft
hosethatwe
usual
lyhavetocoverup

Hekeptquietbuthewasdeepint
houghtwit
hhi s
armsburi
eddeepi nhi
spocket
sandpacingallover
ther
oom

Him:I
'
mf eelingabi tuneasyaboutthisacci
dent
.
Youweredrivingmycar ,welookalikeandIthi
nk
thi
swastarget edandsetup.Iam thetarget
Me:dawgstopbeingsopar
anoi
d.if
uckedupand
I
'm sor
ryaboutyourcar

Hedr i
vesmycarlatel
ybecausei tischil
df r
iendl
y
unli
kehis2seat
erconverti
bl e.Ij
ustlikehiscar
becauseit
sfastbutthatt
hi ngisn'tsafe,
hadinot
beenwearingmyseat bel
t,iwouldhaveendedupi n
PMBwhenicr ashed.Ispentaf ewdaysi nhospi tal
,
ihatedever ymi nuteofitbutiwaswor kingj ustto
keepmysel fbusy.Kamobr oughtmyf i
lesever y
mor ningandpi ckedt hem upi ntheaf
ternoon, Iwas
doingconsul tationsvi avi
deocal landKamowoul d
takenot es.Iwoul dn'tsurvivedoingnothingand
sit
ti
ngonmyownt heentir
eday.I '
minasi ngle
wardsoi magineal l t
hatsilence.Twodaysbef orei
gotdischar ged, Idecidedtot akeawalkar oundt he
hospital,j
usttogetusedt othismoonbootandt he
crutches

"
Andt
henwena?Whof
uckedyouup?
"

Itur
nedaround,Usit
handi
leandherfri
endwere
approachi
ngtherecept
iondeskfrom t
heent
rance.
Shehuggedmeandsodi dthefr
iend

Me:fuckedmeup?NahMzal a,idon'
tgetfuckedup.
youshouldseet
heotherguy,hi
sfamilycamet o
pickhi
sBodyupthi
smor ning
Sheknewiwasj
oki
ngbutt
hef
ri
endseemedabi
t
shaken

Me:I
'
mjoki
ng.

She(
thef
ri
end)si
ghedasi
ghofr
eli
ef

Usi
:sowhathappened?
Me:carcr
ash.I
'
vebeenher
efort
woweeksnow
Usi
:twoweeksf
orabr
okenl
eg?
Me:iaskedfort
heext
ra3days,
I'
m avoi
dingmama
f
ussingoverme

Shelaughed.Ourmothersarequi
teclosesoshe
knowshowmymot herfussesoverus.Asgrownas
weare.
Me:anywaywhatar
eyouguysdoi
ngher
e?
Jess:wear
eher
etoseeSi
mi

ShehadtoRei
ntr
oduceherselfbecauseihad
compl
etel
yfor
gott
enhername.SeeSi mi
?What
waswrongwit
hSimi?Iwasf r
owni ng

Usi:wedon'
tknowwhathappenedbutshehas
beenheresi
ncetheni
ghtaf
terherbi
rt
hday
Me:whatdoyoumeanyoudon'tknowwhat
happened?Whatdoesshesaywhenyouaskher
?

Theybothlookedateachotherbutdi
dn'
tgi
veme
ananswer.Iwasgetti
ngagitat
edandannoyed.
Theyarehidi
ngsomet hi
ng

Me:Usi
thandi
le
Usi
:shecan'
tspeakatt
hemoment
Myfrownintensi
fi
ed,myheartwasnowbeat
ingi
n
mythroatbutmorethananyt
hing,
Iwant
edtosee
her

Me:I
'
m comi
ngwi
thyou
Usi:i
tsbadmzala,onl
yafewpeoplear
eall
owedt
o
seeher.herhusbandmadeal
istofwhoshoul
dbe
all
owedin
Me:fuck!Ihavet
oseeherUsi
thandi
le,
justsoi
knowsher eal
lyi
sOK
Jess:shewi
llbeOK.I
'
llt
ellheryousai
dhi

Suddenl
yiwasnol ongeri
nthemoodf orthi
sstupi
d
walksoiwentbacktomywar d,di
aledSabel
o's
numberandwaitedforhimtoanswer

Sabelo:shoul
dn'
tyoubehar
assi
ngnur
sest
her
e
i
nsteadofharassi
ngme?
Me:ineedyout
ocomepi
ckmeup
Hi
m:t
hey'
vedi
schar
gedyou?It
houghtyoust
il
lhad
t
womoredays
Me:ndodaj
ustcomepi
ckmeup
Hi
m:what
'sgoi
ngon?

Onlynowhest oppedj okingaroundandst ar

ted
takingmeser i
ously.Ittookhim awhole30mi nutes
toar r
iveanditfel
tli
ke30dayst ome.Wesor tedout
thepaper wor
k, hecarriedmybagandwel ef
t.He
hasn'tsaidmuchsi ncehewal kedinbutthe
momentwegoti nthecarhegavemeal ookthat
toldmet obetterst
artt al
king

Me:Si
mli
ndi
lei
sinhospi
tal

Hef
rowned

Me:yourson'
scl
asst
eacher
Him:ohmakessensewhyihaven'tseenher
.i
t
houghtmaybeshechangedclassesorsomeshi
t
l
ikethat
.sowhatdoest
hathavetodowi t
hyou?
Me:someonehur
ther
Hi
m:youdon'
tknowt
hat
Me:mygutf
eel
ingi
stel
li
ngmet
hat
Him:eveni
fthat
'sthecase,i
tsnoneofyourf
uckn
busi
nessSambulo.sheissomeone'swif
e,l
ether
husbanddealwi
ththisshi
t

Her eversedoutofthehospi
talparki
nglotand
drovet owardst
hedi r
ect
ionofhishouse.mywhole
bodyt urnedtofacehim.am ibei
ngkidnappednow?

Him:youknowmamawi
lldr
iveyoucr
azy,
I'
m doi
ng
youafavor
Me:shewi l
lki
llusbothwhensheget
stot
he
hospi
talanddoesn'tf
indus
Hi
m:I
'
llhaveSomi
lakeepherbusy.Speaki
ngofour
si
ster
s,Iwantedt
otal
ktoyouaboutsomethi
ngthe
ot
herdaybutyourdumbasshadtogetyoursel
fin
anaccident
Me:mxm getoveri
t.what
'sup?
Hi
m:yoursisterr
ockedupatmydoorat5:
30am on
aTuesdaydrunkasaskunk

Idon'
tknowwhyhei st el
li
ngmet hisbecauseI'
ve
tol
dhimrepeatedl
ythatI'm notinter
estedin
Tshepi
'sconst
antatt
ent i
onseeki ngstunt
s.People
heragehavelongsortedtheirl
ivesoutbutshe
doesn'
twanttosorthersout

Me:hmm
Hi
m:i
tsacr
yforhel
p
Me:youknowitsnot
.ifshecoul
djustbreakupwi
th
t
hatboyf
riendofher
s,shewil
lseetheli
ght.
Him:wellt
hat'
snotgoi
ngt
ohappensoweneedt
o
f
indotherwaystohel
pher
Me:we?We?Nahdawgcountmeoutoft
hatshi
t
Him:Tshepisoi
sfami
ly,
youdon'
tgetcount
edout
ofhel
pingfamil
y

Beforeireali
zedit,wewer epar kedoutsidehis
house.Webot hgotoutt hecarbecausehehadt o
helpmewi t
ht hebagandwhenIwasset tled,
hel ef
t.
theguydi dn'
tevenmakemef ood,somuchf or
havingabr othertoassistyou.Nowt hatiwasal one,
Ihadtimet odi gdeeperintowhatr eall
yhappened
toSimlindil
e.Idon'texpectSabel otounder st
and
howif eel,t
hereisjustsomet hingaboutt hatgir
l.
ICANSAVEMYSELF
*
6*
<Sabel
o>
It
sal ongweekendsoIdr opmysonof fwithmy
parentst henheadtothel
iquorstore.I
tsbeena
str
essf ulcoupl
eofweeks,asmuchasiwast ryi
ng
tohidei t
, mybrot
her'
saccidentr
eallyhitmehard.I
don'tthinkihaveiti
nmet ogetthroughl i
fewit
hout
thati
diot.Evenwhenwewer esti
llki
ds,beforewe
movedt ostaywithmamaandt ata,itwasalways
j
ustthet woofushavi ngeachot her'sbacks.Igeta
bottl
eofHennessey, sti
llwaterandabagofi ce
thendrivetomypl ace.Mybr otherissti
llst
aying
withmeandidon' tcaret hatheisonpai nki
ll
ers,
todaywear egett
ingdr unk

Me:what
'
sthatsmel
l
?
Sambul
o:f
ood.I
'
m cooki
ng
Me:youar
ewhat
?Youcan'
tcook

JustthenThandiemer
gesfr
om t
hebathr
oom and
walkst owar
dsme.Whati
nthedevi
l'
shel
lisgoi
ng
onher e?

Sambul
o:l
ookThandii
sher
e

Hechuckl
est
ohi
msel
fthenpr
essespl
ayonhi
s
pausedFI
FAgame.HeknowshowannoyedI
'
m
aboutt
oget

Me:andnow?
Thandi:IthoughtI
'
dsurpr
iseyouandSambul
o
complainedofhungersoIfi
guredI
'dcook

I'
m soconf used,dumbst
ruckandslight
lypissedoff
ri
ghtnowsoikeepqui et
.Afterpour
ingmysel fa
drink,
Idowni tthenheadtowardsmybedr oom but
stopafteronlytaki
ngafewst epsandturnaround

Me:ar
eyoual
mostdone?
Thandi
:I'
m done.Iwantt
ogetwi
net
hencomechi
ll
wit
hyouguys
Me:yi
zaphaf
ir
st.Iwantust
otal
k

Shefol
lowsmeint
omybedr oom t
hencl
osest
he
doorbehi
ndher
.We'vebeendoi
ngthi
sforawhil
e,
sheknowsmyrulesandherjustbei
ngher
eisi
n
vi
olat
ionofmor
et hanoner
ule

Her
:ar
eyoumadt
hatI
'
m her
e?

I'
m slowl
yunbuttoningmyshi r
t,ihavemyback
towardsherandt hedoor.Iwantherherebutatt
he
samet i
meI '
m pi
ssedt hatsheshowedupatmy
placeunannounced.Justasitossmyshi rti
nthe
washingbasket,ifeel
herbodyagai nstmyback
andherhandsonmyst omach

Her
:Imi
ssedyou

Shepl ant
saki ssonmyshoulderblade,
herhands
moverl owertowardsmybeltbuckl
eandwi thevery
touchshepl acesonmybody, if
eelmyselfgett
ing
turnedon.Thef uckeduppar
tisthatmeget t
ing
hornydoesn'tmeanmyangeri sgoingaway
Me:youbr
okemyr
ules

Iturnaroundandwear enowfaci
ngeachother.Al
l
thatisr
acinginmymi ndiswhatiwantt
odot oher
andbecauseshei sasscrewedupasiam,she
enjoyseveryt
hingIdi
shouttoher

Her
:Iknow
Me:why?
Her
:Imi
ssedyou

Mypantswerealr
eadybeingpull
eddown, t
oget
her
wi
thmybr i
efst
henshest ar
tedst
roki
ngme.Ishut
myeyesanddugmyf i
ngersonherwaistandmy
ot
herhandti
ghtl
ypressedonthebackofherneck

Me:whatdoyouwant
?
Her
:thi
s
Sher ubshert humbovermyt i
pandIal mostcum.
Sheknowsmyweaknesses, sheknowshowcr azyi
cangetdur ingsexbutshekeepscomi ngformor e.I
pullherheadt owar dsmi neandki ssherhar dand
fast.it
salmostasi fmypacei smat chingthatofher
handasshei sst r
okingme.Shepul l
soutoft heki ss
andsquat si nf r
ontofme.Bef or eicanpr otest,not
thatiwoul deverpr ot
estt othis, shei sal r
eady
suckingonme.Wi thmyhandf irml yonherhead,
myeyesshutandmywai stmovi ngbackandf orth.
Atthatmoment ,allmyweeks' stressandf rustration
haveshi ft
edt ot hememberi nt hiswoman' smout h
andshewasdoi ngonef i
nejobi nr eleasingi tf
or
me.af terawhi leipul l
edherup, gotr idoft he
clothesthatar eabar rierbetweenusandt ur nher
around.Iplaceonekneeont hecouchar mr est
whiletheot herr estsont hefloorandt easeher .
Grazingmyt iponhercl i
tfrom behi nd.Thi sgother
wetter,mehar derbutshewasn' tgettinganyoft his
ri
ghtnow.Notyet .Shebegged, shepl eadedand
thatgavemesomuchpowerandcont r
oloverher .I
walkedaway,grabbedacondom fr
om my
ni
ghtstand,r
oll
editonandgotbacktobusi
ness.i
sl
ammedi nt
oherandshescreamed

Me:mybrotheri
sint
heot
herr
oom.Keepi
tdownor
el
seI'
l
lhavetogagyou

Ihadmywaywi thher.
..
fr
om behind,agai
nstthe
wall,ont
hecouchandeventual
lypickedherUpand
placedheront
hebedwi t
hbothherl egsonmy
shoulder
sandmyf acei
nchesfrom hers

Me:youhunguponme
Her
:Iwaspi
ssed

Atthi
spoi nticanfeelherj
uicesonherthighsand
minebecauseikeepr ubbi
ngmyselfagainsther
.My
handgoesar oundherneckandigocr azy,
poundinghert henmovemyhandt oherbutt,
squeezingit
Her
:ohf
uckOKOKI
'
m sor
ry

I'
m closet
ocomi
ng,herwall
shaveti
ghtened
aroundmesoican'
tstopnow.I
tfeel
stoogood

Her:aaahshitSabel
oI'
m sor
ryihunguponyou.
..
I
'm sorr
yibrokeyourrul
es

Shel i
kesthis.Mebei ngroughonheri swhathas
keptusgoi ngf orsol ong.Thisisourdrug.Our
escape.Ourcopi ngmechani sm.Igett hethri
llf
rom
hearingherbeggi ngme, apol
ogi zi
ngandknowi ngi
havecontroloverheratt hatmomentandshe
enjoysthepai n.Thephysi calsexualpainnumbsal l
thatemotionalshi tshedoesn' twanttodealwi t
h.
Thisishowwehavesex.Thi si sasaff
ect i
onateas
i
twi l
levergetbet weenus.That 'showf uckedupwe
are
Me:ahhI
'
m cl
ose
Her
:I'
m goi
ngt
ocum
Me:wai
tforme

Shecomesf i
rstandIfol
lowrightbehi
ndherthen
welookateachother.I
'm st
il
linsi
deherandher
l
egsaresti
llonmyshoul der
sandshesmi les

Her
:canihavemyl
egsback?
Me:t
hatwasgr
eat

Iki
ssherbef
orer
eleasi
ngherl
egsandpul
li
ngout
ofher

Her
:Ishoul
dpi
ssyouof
fmor
eof
ten

Aft
ershower
ing,shel
eavest
ogetherwineandI
'm
l
eftwi
thmybr ot
herwhoishavi
ngthet
imeofhis
l
if
ewi
thmywhi
skey

Sambul
o:di
dyour
eal
lyhavet
ofuckherwhi
leI
'
m
her
e?
Me:whatdi
dyouwantmet
odowi
thher
?Layi
n
bedandcuddl
e?

Ipour
edmysel
fadr
ink,
connect
edt
hej
oyst
ickand
pl
ayedwi
thhim

Hi
m:whatar
eyourpl
answi
tht
hischi
ck?
Me:whymustihavepl
answi
thher
?
Hi
m:soyouj ustgoi
ngt
okeepf
ucki
ngherunt
il
ki
ngdom comes?
Me:unti
ligetbor
edandfi
ndsomeoneel
se.Thi
s
arr
angementworksf
orus.Whatdi
dshecook
anyway?
Hi
m:chi
ckenandpast
a.I
tsgood.Ial
readyat
e
Heehthisonet hi
nksthisishishouse.Wedecided
totur
nt hi
sintoanicechillsessi
onsowei nvi
ted
ourfr
iends.Kuhle,Luke,Oyint
andoandPaulcame
thr
oughwi thMayaandZah.Mayai sdat
ingLuke
andZahi sdati
ngKuhl e.Wechi l
ledint
helounge,
dri
nki
ng, t
alki
ngandpl ayingFIFA.

Maya:Ial
sowantt
opl
ay
Zah:yeahmet
oo.Youboyscan'
thaveal
lthef
un
Me:t
hatwouldn'
tbef
airontheot
herguyssowe
mi
ghtaswellswit
cht
histhi
ngoff

Muchtomybrot
her
'spr
otest
,iswi
tchedi
toff
,
pour
edhi
m adri
nkandfor
cedhimtogetoveri
t

Kuhle:t
omor
rowwear eclubhoppi
ng.Wear
etoo
youngtobesi
tti
ngherel
ikethi
sthewhol
eweekend.
ther
eisnospaceformetoshowmyvoshoskil
ls
Ntando:voshoski
ll
snt
wana?We'
l
lopenaci
rcl
efor
younour i
ghthere
Me:ri
ghtwhere?For
geti
tbruh,I
'
m alr
eadynur
sing
onepersonwit
habrokenl
eg,I'
m notsi
gni
ngupf or
anot
herpati
ent
Kuhle:envyi
swhatwecal
lal
loft
his.umonaaka
j
ealousy

Thegentsstayedunt
il1am t
hentheyl
eftandi
droveThandihome.Iwasn'
texactl
ysoberbutI
wasn'tsl
oshedeit
her

Thandi
:Imetsomeone

Sheisl
iket
hiswhenshei
sdrunk,
alcoholi
sat
rut
h
ser
um t
oher.It
snotal
waysagoodthing?

Me:metsomeone?Phi
?
Her
:atwor
k.Hei
sever
ythi
ngyouar
enot
Me:what
'
sthatsupposedt
omean?
Her
:heisact
ual
lyhuman.heissweet
,hehas
f
eel
ingsandhei
skindandnice
Me:ohsoi
fheissoamazi
ng,
whywer eyou
sucki
ngmydi
ckjustaf
ewhoursago?

I'
m notjeal
ousbutI'm of
fendedandmyegoi smore
thanjustbrui
sed,
itsparal
yzed.Wearenotexact
ly
monogamousbutIdi dn'
tseethi
scomingandi
don'tl
ikeit

Her:becauseyouhaveaholdoverme.Icoul dbe
withtheperf
ectguybutIwouldsti
llwantyou
becauseonlyyougetme.onlyyouunder standwhat
I'
vebeenthroughandonlyyoucannumbme.t hat
's
whyi keepcomingbacktoyouevent hough
somet i
mesyout r
eatmeli
kecrap.Youf eelli
ke
home.Asf uckedupasyouare

Ipar
kedatt
hepar
kingl
otofherest
atebutshe
di
dn'
tgetout
.IknowShestil
lwantst
otalkandwe'l
l
pr
obabl
yendupf ucki
ngr
ighther
einthi
sparki
nglot
ICANSAVEMYSELF
*
7*
<Si
mli
ndi
le>
WhenIwokeup, ittookmeawhi l
et ounder st
and
andf i
gur eoutwher eiwas.Iscannedt her oom,
whiteandbl uewal l
s, bl
indsont hewi ndowsanda
fl
atscr eenTVhangi ngfrom t hewal l.I'
m ata
hospitalbutwhy?Ican' tseem t oremember
anythi
ngbet weent odayandmycr azyl unchwi th
myf ri
endsbutIknowonl yt wot hingscoul dhave
l
andedmeher e,anacci dentormyhusband.I fI'
m
tol
ditssomet hingel se,I'
llbeshocked.Mybody
doesn'tf eell
ikeitsmi ne,itfeelsheavyandpai nf
ul.I
won'tevengetst artedont hemassi veheadache
thatIhave.Whent henur sewal ksi n, whichi s
probabl yanhourorsoaf t erIwokeup, shegi ves
meal ookofpi tybef oreaddr essingme

Nur
se:youar
eup.Ar
eyoui
npai
n?
Itr
yt ospeakbutIcan' tbecausemyt hr
oatis
painful
.Almostasi fitsburntont heinside.My
chestisalsopainfulandmybodyi swr appedin
bandagesf r
om thechestdown.Inodt othenurse,
nowt hatI'
mf ocusingonmypai n, Icanactuall
yfeel
i
tandi thurt
sl i
kehell.Sheinjectssomet hingi
nmy
dri
pt henwalksout .Whensher eturns,sheiswitha
doctor.

Doc:I'
m gl
adyouar
eawakeMr sNgcobo.thenurse
hasalr
eadygi
venyousomethingforthepain.Can
yourememberanyt
hingf
rom youraccident
?

Ishakemyheadsl
owl
y

Doc:yourneighborbroughtyouinafterr
escuing
youfrom yourburninghouse.Hesayshef oundyou
passedoutandbl eedingonthefl
oor.youwere
stabbedmulti
pletimesonyourarms, thi
ghs,
st
omachandchest.oneofyourst
abwounds
missedyourmai
narter
yby11mm.Youaretrul
y
l
uckytobeali
ve

Noneoft hi
swasmaki
ngsense.iwasst
abbed?By
who?Why?Andwhat '
sthi
saboutmyhousebeing
burntdown?Nomantheremustbesomekindofa
mistake

Doc:yourthroatwi
llbepainf
ulforafewdaysduet o
thesmokei nhal
ati
onbutyouwi l
lbefineandupand
runninginafewweeks.Itsamiracl
eyouar eal
ive
andI'm sur
eyourhusbandwi l
lbepleasedtoknow
thatyouareawake

Myhusband!Theni tal
lcomesbackt ome.slowly
atfir
stbutbythetimeI '
ml eftal
oneandasleep,it
comesbackt omel i
keadr eam.WhenSandi l
e
pickedmeupf rom school,hewasn'thisusualself
.
Hewasqui etandt hathardlyhappens.evenwhen
heisangryandt akingitoutonme, heisvocal.He
shout
sandscreamssothi
ssuddensi
lencewas
fr
ight
eni
ngandworryi
ngandwhyisn'
theatwork?

Me:t
hisi
sasur
pri
se
Sandi
le:hmm
Me:youar
enotwor
kingt
oday?
Hi
m:no

Ishouldhaveshutupaf
tert
hatbutsomethi
ngin
mejustwantedtokeephimtal
king.Formyown
sani
tybecausethi
smomentr i
ghtherewasdri
ving
mecr azy

Me:i
sever
ythi
ngOK?
Hi
m:whywoul
dn'
titbe?
Me:I
'
mjustaski
ng.Youseem abi
ttooqui
et

Heswi
tchedt
her
adi
oonandit
ookt
hehi
nt.shutup
Simli
ndi
le.Whenwegothome,hewentint
othe
housefi
rstandifol
l
owedthenhel
ockedthedoor
.
Alar
m bellnumber1

Hi
m:yourphonehasbeenr
ingi
ngal
lday
Me:if
orgoti
tint
hemor
ning.di
dyout
ryt
ocal
lme?
Him:l
astni
ghtisai
dfor
war
dthechai
nmessage
andwhatdi
dyoudo?

Ohsot odayI
'm get
ti
ngbeatenoverachai
n
message?Anonexistentchai
nmessage.l
ucki
lyi
del
etedthatmessagejustaft
erswi
tchi
ngofft
he
al
armt hi
smorning

Me:if
orgotl
ove.aski
es

Hewasn'theari
ngme, hi
seyeshaveturnedredand
hei
slookingatmeasi fI
'm somekindofpreythat
hecan'
twaittodevourandi don'
tmeanthatina
sexyway.Myeyesf oll
owedhi
shandsmor ethan
anythingandiwat chedashefi
shedformyphone
from hispocketandthrewi
tatme.Thephone
l
andedonmychestandicaughti tbefor
eitf
ellt
o
theground

Him:howstupidareyouSimli
ndi
le?Orrat
herhow
stupi
ddoyouthinkiam?Youar echeat
ingonme
now?WenaSi mli
ndil
e,youthi
nkyouaresmart
enought
opulloffanaffai
r

OKI'
m conf
used.HeknowshowmuchIfearhi
m.I
don'
tevenl
ookatot
hermen.Heknowst
his

Me:FuzeI
'
m notcheat
ingonyou
Hi
m:musaukungenzaisli
mamahnSi mli
ndil
e.Your
st
upi
dboyfri
endcal
ledearl
y.Hekeptcal
li
ngand
whenIAnsweredhehungup
Me:sthandwasamiidon'
tknowwhatyouar
e
t
alki
ngabout.Maybeitwasawrongnumber
Hewalkedtowardsmeandisteppedbackunt
ilmy
backwasagainstt
hewallandhewasjust
cent
imetr
esfrom me

Him:youthi
nkyoucanleavemeandbewi t
hyour
boyf
riend?I
tsnotgoi
ngtohappen.Wesai
duntil
deat
hdousapar tandsi
nceyouwanttopartf
rom
me,todayI'
m goi
ngtoki
llyou
Me:idi
dn'
tdoi
t.I
'
m notcheat
ing.Pl
easel
ist
ent
o
me

Ifel
thisfistonmyst omachbef oreicoul
deven
regi
sterwhatwashappeni ng,sendingthemost
excruci
atingpaintot hepi tofmyst omach.If el
tli
ke
Iwasgoi ngtovomi t.Hepul l
edmebymyhai rand
draggedmet othecouch.Mycr i
esf el
londeafear s
ashet or
emycl othes,kickingandpunchi ngmeon
mynakedski n.Atsomepoi ntIfellonthetil
es,
hit
ti
ngmyheadont hehar dsurfaceandt hat'
swhen
ipassedout .Iwasgr atefulforthatmoment
becauseIwasnol ongerf
eeli
ngt hepainbutthat
fel
tasthoughitwasshortli
vedbecauseIwas
wokenupwi thasplashoficecoldwater.Iwanted
mybodyt ogonumb.Fort hefir
sttimeinallmy
25yearsofli
fe,
Iwantedtodie.thepainIwas
feel
ingfel
tworsethandeathit
selfandineededGod
tofreemebecauseIknowIwon' tmakeitoutof
hereali
ve

Him:I'
velovedyouSiml
indi
le,I
'
vet akencareofyou
andyouthrowthatbackinmyf acebycheatingon
me.Am inotenoughforyou?Therei snot
hingI
haven'
tdoneforyoubutyoujustwantt obeabitch

Wi theverywordheut tered,hi
spocketknif
e
penet r
atedanar eaonmybody.Hemadesur etobe
stabbingmyt highswhenhespokeaboutme
cheat i
ngonhi m, whenhecal l
edmeawhor eanda
bitch.Iwishicoul dpi
npoi ntt
heexacttimethatI
passedoutbutIknowi twasbeforehesetthe
houseonf i
re.Hemusthaver eal
lythoughthehad
ki
lledme.Whathappensi naper son'
smi ndtot
hink
heownsanot herper
son,t
ot hi
nkitsyourri
ghtt
o
playgodwi thaperson'
sli
fe?Isitsti
lll
ovewhen
youi nfl
ictsomuchpai nonsomeonebecauset he
personwr onged?Kantiwhereandwhendi dthe
definit
ionofl ovel
inkupwiththedefini
ti
onof
owner ship?
Iwokeupcr ying.themanil ovedidt histome.Iam
herebecauseofhi m andevent houghheknowshe
almostki l
ledme, eventhoughheknowsI '
m very
muchal i
veandevent houghsomewher einhishear t
ormi ndheknowsi wouldn'
tcheatonhi m andt hat
allofthiscoul dneverhavebeenmyf ault,
iknowI 'l
l
endupapol ogi zi
ngandhewi l
lwantust ocont i
nue
withl i
feasweknowi tbecauseheneverapol ogizes.
i
ti salwaysmyf ault
.Iprovokehim, ipushhi m, i
disrespecthi m andIcheatonhi m andt hat'
swhyhe
beat sme.Hei sneveratf aul
t,I
'mj usttheLuci f
er
thatmar ri
edanangelandt hat'
swhyGodnever
hear smypr ayers.Ibeggedtodi ethatni ghtbutlook
wher eiam now.Goddoesn' tcareaboutSi mli
ndi l
e,
Goddoesn' tknowSi mli
ndil
ebutst upidmei sat
churchever
ySunday, pr
ayi
ng,prai
singand
worshipi
ngamant hatcouldn'
tbebotheredwit
hme.
MylifehasbeensparedbecauseSandile,my
bel
ovedhusbandisn'tdonewithmeyet.
Myf ri
endshavebeenshowi ngupf ormeandt hi s
i
sn'tsomet hingI'
m goi ngt oforgetanytimesoon.I
l
ovet hattheyhaven' tstartedaskingquest i
onsbut
theycomeseemeever yday.I '
vebeenawakef ora
fewdaysnowandIcanspeakwi t
houtmyt hr
oat
feeli
ngli
keI '
vejustswal lowedbur ningcoalbutI '
m
sti
llonaliquiddietwhi chI '
m hating.Ihaven'tseen
Sandile,
appar ent
lyhespeakst othenur sesand
doctorsbutdoesn' tcomei ntomywar d.Ihaven't
thoughtabouthowourf irstencount erwil
lbelike
andhonest lyIdon'twantt ocloudmymi ndwi th
thatmuchnegat i
vity.
Usit
handi
lewal
ksi
nal
readyt
alki
ngandJessi
cai
s
behi
ndher

Me:andnow?
Usi
:yourf
ri
endi
sdr
ool
ingovermenagai
n
Jess:i
tsal
lowedwhenI
'
m si
ngl
e
Usi:i
tswei
rdformebecauset
hat
'smycousi
n.
anywayfri
endSambul
osaidweshoul
dsayhi

I'
vealwayswonder edifitwashimt hathadcalled
me.Ifheisther easonI'
mi nhereandt heReasonI
almostdied.Iknowi fheis,
Iwillneverfor
givehim.
Hehadnobusi nesscommuni catingwithmei nthe
fi
rstpl
ace.
ICANSAVEMYSELF
*
8*
<Sambul
o>
Myr esearchonwhathappenedt oSiml i
ndi
ledidn' t
getmef ar,actuallyitdi
dn'tgetmeanywher e
becauseIdi dn'tknowwhatiwasl ookingforor
whereIshoul dl ook.Idelegat
edt histasktoPet er,
myPIandIt oldhi mt otakehistime.Idon'tneed
him missi
nganyt hingbecausei fitt
urnsoutt hat
someonedi dhur ther,I
'
m goingt okil
lwhoevert hat
personis.Somet i
mesit hinkit
scr azythatifeelso
stronglyaboutaper sonI'veonl ymetonce,
someoneI '
vebar el
yhadaconver sat
ionwithbutI'
m
drawnt othiswoman.Idon' tknowmuchabouther
buti t
sasi fmyhear tandmysoulhasknownherf or
alifeti
me.I t
scrazyiknowbutwhenhasl oveever
madesense?Af t
erthecrazyl ongweekendwi t
hmy
fr
iendsandmybr other,
Ideci dedt ogopay
Siml i
ndil
eavi si
t.Inordertogeti n,I'
dhavetogo
withUsi t
handilesoaf t
ertakingashower ,Icallher

Usi
:heycuz
Me:myMzal
a,howar
eyou?
Her:I
'm st
il
lspendingmydayswit
hscreaming
7yearol
dst hatIst
il
lfeel
aret
oohyper
acti
vefor
thei
rowngood

Ilaugh.sheisal
wayscompl aini
ngaboutherjob
andwhenIadvi cehertoquit
,shet el
lsmeunless
I'
m offer
ingherajobthatensuresshegetstonot
wor kduri
ngschoolholi
days,sheisn'
tqui
ti
ng.
Me:I
'
m st
art
ingt
othi
nkyousecr
etl
ylovet
hatj
ob
Her
:thenyourcarcr
ashwaswor
set
hanit
hought

Wehadagoodl aughovermyacci
dentandherj
ob
bef
oreIgotser
iousandatt
ackedt
hereasonf
orme
cal
li
ngher

Me:Iwantt
oseeSi
mli
ndi
leandIneedyout
ohel
p
megetin
Her:I
'
dhavetocheckwi t
hherf
ir
st.sheal
ready
thi
nksI'
mtheonethatgaveyouhernumberandI
knowshewon'tbepleasedi
fIj
ustrockupwithyou
Me:under st
andableandmzal apleasebe
persuasive,
don'tt
akenof orananswer .Tel
lherI
'm
dyi
ngf rom allt
heworry,Ihaven'
teatensinceyou
tol
dmeshei sinhospital
.spicei
tupnjemzal a

Webot
hendupl
aughi
ngbutshepr
omi
sesshewi
ll
comet hroughforme.I t
'sbeenal most4weeks
sincemyacci dentandtomor rowI '
m goingtowor k.
Myst i
tcheshavehealedandI '
llj
usthavet oget
Shakat odri
vemet owor kbecauseasmuchasI 've
enjoyedst ayingwithmybr other,t
heguyeat srabbit
food.Imi ssmymot her'
scooki ngandit hi
nkimight
mi ssmydad' sgrumpinessaswel l.Around2pm i
receiveat extfr
om Usithandi
le

"LET'
SMEETATTHEHOSPITALINANHOUR.YOU
BETTERLOOKMALNUTRITI
ONEDWHENWEGET
THEREBECAUSEITOLDSIMISOMESERI
OUS
LIES"

Mycousinisonecr azypersonbutIloveherforthi
s.
Ical
ledShakatocomepi ckmeupwi thmyot hercar
sowecanf et
chLwandi soandaft
erpicki
ng
Lwandisoupfrom school,wedroppedhim offat
homewi t
hmysi st
ert hendrovetothehospit
al.
Usit
handil
ewaswai ti
ngf ormeinhercarsot he
momentIgotoutmycar ,
shegotoutaswel l
Shaka:mustIwai
tforyou?
Me:uf
unaukoj
olawi
thmycar
?

Hehadasmi
rkonhi
sfaceandiknowI
'
m aboutt
o
bel
iedt
o

Hi
m:hayibhut
i,I
'
mjustaski
ng
Me:unamanga.Idon'
tknowhowlongI'
l
lbesoI'l
l
cal
lyouwhenI'
m doneandntwanayoubet
ternot
havesexi
nmycar

Idon'tknowwhetherheisblushingorembar r
assed
butsuddenlyhisf
acesturnsashadeofpi nkandI
l
augh.That '
swhathegetsforbeingli
ghtskinned.
Usit
handileandIshar
eahugt henwalktowardsthe
entr
ance

Usi
:Jessi
cawant
smet
osetherupwi
thSabel
o
Me:thatwillnotendwel
lfort
hatski
nnywhi
tef
ri
end
ofyours.Sabelowil
lbr
eakher

Shelaughs.I
'
m seri
ousthough, j
udgi
ngbyhow
Thandiwasscreamingtheotherday,i
twasn'
tjust
pl
easure.Pai
nwasdef i
nit
elyinvol
vedtoo

Her
:whi
tegi
rl
sar
efr
eaki
ert
hanbl
ackgi
rl
s
Me:andt heyar
ecr
azi
erandver
yqui
ckt
orunt
othe
cops.Setherupwi
thPaul

Shegivesmet hesi deeyeandIbur stintolaughter

.
shehashi st
orywithPaulbutt hat
'sast oryfor
anotherday.Wesor toutalltheadminatr ecepti
on,I
hadtobuyt hereceptioni
stR250wor thof" col
d
dri
nk"beforeIwasal l
owedt ogoi n.Moneyt alks
andthatrecepti
onistdoesn'tunderst
andwhat
negoti
ati
onmeans

Usi
:bef
orewegoi
n,Ineedt
opr
epar
eyou.I
tsnot
t
hatbadanymor ebutbecauseyou'l
lbeseei
ngher
fort
hefi
rstt
ime,youmi ghtbecaughtof
fguard.
Don'
tpi
tyher,shehatesthat
Me:OK.Let
sgoi
nal
ready,
youar
escar
ingme

Sheopenst hedoorandwewal kin.Simli

ndi l
elooks
atmet henatmyl egandmycr utches.Idon' tknow
i
fitsmyi maginati
onbutIt hi
nkshei swor r
ied.
AgainI'
m star
ingather ,shel
ooksmor ebeaut if
ul
thanshedidthef i
rstti
meIsawher .Itsprobablyt he
l
ackofmakeup.I t
sbeensol ongsinceil astsaw
herbutsuddenlyitfeelsli
keitwasj ustyesterday.
Shesmi l
es,probablybecauseI'vebeensmi li
nglike
anidi
otsincewewal kedin

Usi
:heyf
ri
end.Howar
eyou?
Si
mi:I
'
m good.Wher
eisJesst
oday?

Shepauses,
looksatmeagai
nthenl
ower
shereyes
Si
mi:hey
Me:hey

Isi
tdown,placemylegonanot
herchai
rwhi
le
Usi
thandi
lesqueezesher
sel
fonthebedwi
thSimi

Usi:youknowhowgagashegetsaroundmy
cousins,
ihadtol
eaveher
.Yourvoi
cesoundsbet
ter
.
Whenar eyouget
ti
ngoutofher
e?
Simi
:onFri
day.I
'minnor
ushbecauseIdon'
teven
haveahouseanymore
Usi:youknowyourmanwillmakeaplanint
hat
departmentandi
fhedoesn't
,youcanal
wayscome
staywithme

Shet ensesupatthement ionofherhusbandbut

Usithandil
edoesn'tnoti
ce.Inoti
cebecausemy
eyeshaven'tmovedf rom her.Astheyhavethei
r
conversati
on,ist
udyherbody, t
hepatchesof
plaster
salloverherarmsandchestmakemybl ood
boil
.shedoesn'tlookli
kesheisinpainbutmybody
feel
sli
keitsfeel
ingthepainforher
.whowoulddo
thi
stoawoman?I '
m angr
y,idon'
tknowatwhobut
IknowI'm pi
ssedashel l

Me:mzal
apl
easegetmebot
tl
edwat
er
Usi
:ok.Fr
ienddoyouneedanyt
hing?

Si
mishakesherheadandUsi
thandil
ewal
ksout
,
l
eavi
ngusaloneinawkwar
dsilence

Si
mi:whathappenedt
oyourl
eg?
Me:i
fit
ellyouwhathappenedt
ome,
wil
lyout
ell
mewhathappenedtoyou?

Shedoesn'
tanswerbutiseeatearrol
ldownher
cheekandmychestti
ghtens.Iwanttohol
dherbut
Idon'
twanttohur
ther
Me:pl
easeSi
mli
ndi
le
Her
:Ican'
ttel
lyou
Me:whynot?I'
l
lprot
ectyouifyouar
escared.I
'
ddo
anyt
hingf
oryou.Justt
ellmewhathappened
Her:noonecanprotectmefr
om t
hisandIdon'
t
wanttoinvol
veyou.Iwoul
dn'
twantyoutogethur
t
becauseofme

ForamomentwhenIl ookather,Ithi
nkofThandi .I
knowt hei
rst
oriesareprobablydiffer
entbutbroken
i
sbr okenandthispersoninfrontofmei sabroken
womanbutIl oveher.Wi t
hherbr okenpiecesand
all
.

Me:Iwasi
nacarcr
ash3andahal
fweeksago

Sheli
ft
shereyesagai
n,wi
peshert
earsandlooks
atmewitht
hesamepi t
yiwasadvi
sednottogive
her
Me:don'
twor
ry,
itwasn'
tthatbad.I
'
m OK
Her
:I'
m gl
adtoheart
hat.Sambul
oI'
m sur
eyouar
e
agr
eatguybutI
'm marr
ied
Me:ar
eyouhappy?
Her:doesitmat
ter
?ImadevowsandIpr
omi
sedt
o
honourthem
Me:sothat
'
swhyyoudidn'
trespondtomyt
ext
?
That
'swhyyoudi
dn'
tpi
ckupmycal ls?

Thisconversat
ionwasgoi
ngwell
.Ifel
tasifwe
weregetti
ngsomewherebutt
hemomentIasked
abouthernotpicki
ngupmycall
s,herexpr
essi
on
changed.Shelookedacombi
nati
onofangryand
scared

Me:di
disaysomet
hingwr
ong?
Her
:youcal
ledme?When?
Me:t
hedayaf
teryourbi
rt
hday
Her
:why?Whywoul
dyoudot
hat
?

Shewasnowshouti
ng,
scr
eami
ngandcr
ying.What
i
shappeni
ngr
ightnow?

Me:Si
mli
ndi
lecal
m down
Her:thi
sisal
lyourf
ault.GetoutSambul
o.Iwant
yout ol
eaveandnevercomeback.Justl
eaveme
alone.

Usit
handilewalkedi
nlookingasconf
usedasIam.i
real
lyhavenoideawhat'shappeni
ngrightnowbut
I
'm notleavi
ng.Notunti
lshecalmsdownandstart
s
makingsense

Usi
:what
sgoingon?Icanhearyouguysal
lthe
wayfr
om downthecor
ri
dor
Si
mi:Iwanthi
mtol
eave
Usit
handil
etur
nst
olookatmeandishr
ugmy
shoulder
s

Usi
:whatdi
dyoudo?
Me:nothing.Weweretal
kingandIaskedwhyshe
wasn'tt
akingmycall
sandshegotupset .She
star
tedshouti
ng,
Sayingit
smyf aul
t.Idon'teven
knowwhati smyfaul
t
Simi:j
ustgetoutandifyouevercomenearme,
I'
ll
getyouarrest
ed.Staythehel
lawayfr
om me
Sambulo.Imeani t
ICANSAVEMYSELF
*
9*
<Sabel
o>
Me:whyar eyout ell
ingmethis?I
fyoudon'twant
thi
sanymor e,youar efr
eetowalkaway.Idon'
t
underst
andhowsuddenl yyouaremakingitmy
faul
tthatIunderstandyou
Ihavenumer ousr easonsast owhyidon' tli
ke
rel
ationshi psandno, myexdi dn'thurtme.Shedi d
cheatonmebutIwasal readythewayIam bef oreI
mether .Itst
her easonwhyshecheat edon,
becauseshewant edsomeonet omakel ovet oher
andki ssherf oreheadever y2secondsoft heday
andI '
m nott hetypet odothat.Formesexi sa
rel
iever, it
saphysi calactlikepl
ayingspor t
sandI
don'tattachedemot i
onstoi t
.SneandIhappenedat
atimewhenIwasf indi
ngmysel f,atatimewhenI
reall
ycamei ntot ermswi thmyl i
feandmy
upbringi ng.I
twasn' tacoincidencet hattheonlygir
l
Ieverf uckedwi thoutacondom shar esanamewi th
thewomant hatabandonedme.

Thandi
:youdon'
tgeti
tSabel
o
Me:thenmakemef uckengeti
tbecauser
ightnow
i
tsureashel
lsoundslikeyouwanttobewit
hthis
guy
Her:Icoul
dneverbewithhi
m becauseI'
m notli
ke
hi
m andhei sn'
tli
keus.Hei
sn'
tgoingtounderstand
thatIdon'ttrustmenbecauset heonl ymanihave
everlovedl i
edt omeaboutt hemosti mpor tant
thinginagi r
l'sli
fe.doyouhaveanyi deahowi t
feelstogrowupknowi ngthatyouki l
ledyour
mot her?Thatyouar eali
vebecauseyourmot her
diedgivingbirthtoyou?Iwas4year sol dwhenmy
dadt ol
dmet hatstoryandf or8yearsIhat edmyself,
iblamedmysel fbuthehadnoi deabecausehewas
dealingwithhi sownf uckedupcr apt onot i
cethat
hisdaught erwasdyi nginside.wheniwas12year s
oldhespr i
ngsi tonmet hatmymot heri sal
ivebut
hehadhercommi tt
edinament ali
nst i
tuti
on
becauseshei scrazy.
Me:Thandist
op.iknowthi
sst
ory.Yout
elli
ttome
ever
yti
meyouar edrunk

Shechuckl es,throwsherheadbackont heheadrest

andcloseshereyes.i tsthesamet hi
ngever yti
me
sheisdrunkandi t
sasi fwhenshei ssober ,
she
for
getsalloft his.I'
m notatherapi
st,Ican'thel
pher
butiknowhowt hisendsever yti
me.towar dsthe
endshest artscr yi
ng,shebecomesvul nerableandI
gettheurget ot
akeadvantageofthatandIf
uckher
tosleep.shebegsmet omaket hehurti
nggoaway
andIdot hat.Wearebothinthi
sforourownself
ish
reasonsbutbecauseI'
mt heonewi t
hthepenisi
n
thi
sequat i
on,I'
l
lgett
hejudgment

Her:beingaf at
herischangingyou.Justdon'tbe
l
ikemyf at
her.Behonestwi t
hyourki dbecauset
he
l
iescausemor edamage.Iendedupbei ngrai
sedby
acrazywomanwhocoul dbarel
ytakecareof
hersel
fbecauseit houghtmyf atherwasabadman
forkeepingmeawayf rom mymot her
.Iwasso
desperateforamot her'
slovethatiendedupbeing
amot hertomymot her.noguywi l
lbeableto
handlethatSabelo.Onlyyoucan

Andt hetear
sstartedfl
owingbutforsomer eason
I'
m notgetti
ngturnedonbyhervul nerabil
it
ytoday.
i
nst eadfort
hefir
sttimesinceI'
vehear dthi
sst or
y,i
feelbadforher
.shet hi
nksIcansaveherf rom
herself
,shewon'tsayitbutiknowt hat'
swhyshe
keepstel
li
ngmethi
sst
ory.Idon'thavei
tinmet
o
beanythi
ngbutt
heguythattakesthepai
nawayfor
ali
ttl
ewhile

Me:l
et'
sgetyoui
nsi
de

Itakeherbagandf oll
owhert oherhouse.Af t
er
openingthedoorandswi tchingont heli
ght s,ihelp
hertoherbedroom.Shei sn'tr eall
y'outofi t'
drunk
butsheisdrained.Ihelpheroutofhercl othesthen
fetchpai
nkil
lersfr
om thebat hr oom cabinetand
givethem t
oherwi thaglassofwat er
.Ishoul dgive
hertwoasperdosagebutigi veherf ourt henget
herinbed.Istandoverherwi thmyhandsi nmy
pocketsandwat chher.

Her
:doyout
hinkt
her
eishopef
orpeopl
eli
keus?
Me:sl
eepThandi
Her:ormaybepeopl
eli
keusarenotmeantt
obe
happy.wearej
ustmeantt
ostayfuckedupl
iket
his
unt
ilwedi
e

Shegoesonr ambl inguntilshef all

sasl eep.It ext
Sambul othatI'l
lcomebacki nt hemor ningt henI
crashi nthespar er oom afterSwi t
chingt hel ights
off.Ilayawakeandst areintospace.Forsome
reasonit hinkofmybi r
thmot her.Sher eall
ydi dtry
tobei nourl i
vesbutt hedamagewasal r
eadydone.
It
snott hatIhat eherbutIcan' tseem t of orgetthat
shewal kedawayf rom us,thatshewent14year s
withoutevenasi ngleatt
emptatmaki ngcont act
withus.Mamadi dagr eatjobwi thusandIl oveher,
ireall
ydobutnot hingchangedt hefactt hatt he
womanwhogavemel i
fedidn'twantme.Iwasa
rejectfrom day1.That '
swhyiam i ncapabl eof
bringingwomenbeyondt hewal lsIhavebui l
t
aroundmyl i
fe.Itisbecauset hef i
rstwomant hat
wassupposedt ol ovemeuncondi t
ional l
y,rejected
me
I'
m wokenupthenextdaybyawarm sensati
onon
mygroinareaandaweightonmybody.Islowly
openmyeyesandt heyl
andonThandi.Sheison
t
opofmewi
thmei
nsi
deher

Me:youknowr
apei
sacr
imei
nthi
scount
ry

Shel
aughsbef
orer
ocki
ngherhi
psbackandf
ort
h

Her
:Icoul
dn'
tthi
nkofabet
terwaytowakeyouup.
I
tsnotof
tent
hatIwakeuptothesi
ghtofyou
Me:t
aki
ngadvant
ageofmymor
ninggl
oryisee

If
li
pheroverandwi
thi
nsecondssheisunderme.
Herar
mspinnedaboveherheadandherl
egs
ar
oundmywai st

Me:condoms?
Her
:ont
heni
ghtst
andonyourl
eft

Wehaveagr
eatmor
ningsessi
ont
henIl
eave.I
havedonewaymor ethanIshoul
dhave.st ayi
ngthe
ni
ghtwasal r
eadypushingtheli
mit.2daysl at
er,
i
getbackfrom worktofi
ndmybr ot
her sinmy
l
oungesmoki ng.IknowShakasecr et
lysmokesbut
Sambuloonlysmokeswhenhei sreall
ypissedoff
orreal
lyhurt

Me:t
hel
eastyoucoul
ddoi
ssmokeout
sidegent
s
Shaka:ei
shsor
rybhut
i

Itookabottl
eofwat erf
rom thef
ri
dgeandj
oined
them.Sambuloi sn'
tOK,evenabli
ndmancansee
that.i
tisj
usttensedint
hisroom

Me:what
'
sgoi
ngon?
Shaka:ihavenoi
dea
Me:hal
f?

HeI
gnor
esme
Me:Sambul
o

Hei
gnor
esmeagai
n

Shaka:af
terwecamefr
om t
hehospi
talsomeguy
droppedanenvel
opef
orhi
m andhehasbeenli
ke
thi
seversince
Me:wher
eist
heenvel
ope?

Hepointstowardsonthecoffeetable.Iplacemy
wateronthefl
oorandtakeit.Ithasinformati
on
abouthisacci
dent,
aboutSimlindil
eandher
husbandandthensomet hi
ngt hatmademybl ood
runcold

Me:hal
flet
'st
alk
Fort
hefir
stti
meheseemst ohearme.Hefol
lows
metomybedr oom andshutsthedoor
.Hepull
son
hi
scigar
ett
ethenpuffsthesmokeintheai
r

Me:weneedt
ocomeupwi
thapl
anf
ort
his
Sambul
o:noneed
Me:whatdoyoumeant
her
eisnoneed?
Hi
m:I
'
m goi
ngt
oki
l
lhi
m

Hewalkstowardsmybedr
oom wi
ndow,putst
he
ci
gar
etteoutbefor
ethr
owi
ngthebudout
sidet
he
wi
ndow

Me:youar
egoi
ngt
owhat
?
Him:di
dyour eadthosedocument s?Thatsonofa
bi
tchhasbeenabusingSi mli
ndi l
ef oryears.Hebeat
hert
oami scarri
age,hehasbr okenbonesofher
bodyandnowshei si nhospit
alwi thmul t
iplest
ab
woundsbecauseoft hatasshole.Idon'twanthimi n
j
ailSabel
o,Iwanthi
m deadandI
'
m notj
oki
ng

Hepul l
soutanotherpackofcigaret
tesfrom hi
s
pocket,takesal
oosecigaret
teandlight
si tbut
standsbyt hewi
ndow.Hest art
schucklingandi j
ust
wat chhim.Thethingwit
hmei sthatI'
m constant
ly
thewayIam butwi t
hSambulo,whenhisanger
reachest hi
spoi
nthecansmoke10packsof
cigaret
tesandstil
lwantmore

Him:Het riedtokillmeovermedoi ngmyj oband

him beingincompet enti
nhis.Hedoesn'tknowI'm
theonet hatcalledSimli
ndi
letheotherday.Idon'
t
careabouthi slameat t
emptatkil
li
ngmebutwhat
hedidt oSimlindil
eisunfor
givabl
e.Imeani tSabel
o.
I'
m goingtoki l
lhim andIneedtoknowt hatyouare
withmeont his
Me:andwhataboutSi
ml i
ndi
le?Thatissti
llher
husband.I
fshef
indsoutyoukil
ledhi
m, youwon't
st
andachancewi t
hher.Shewil
lhateyou
Hi
m:yout
hinkIwantt
odot
hisbecauseIwantt
o
winherover?Simlindi
leal
readyhatesmebecause
sheblamesmef orwhatNgcobodidt oherbutI'd
rat
herhavehersaf eandhatingmet hanhaveto
buryherwithoutherknowi
ngThatIl oveher.I
'
m
goingtokil
lNgcobobecauseiwantt oprot
ect
Simli
ndil
e,notbecauseIwantt oi
mpr essher
ICANSAVEMYSELF
*
10*
<Si
mli
ndi
le>
I'
m get t
ingdi schargedt omorrowyetIdon' tknow
wher eI'l
lbegoi ngsi nceihaven' theardorseen
Sandilef orthewhol eofmydur ationinthisplace.
Itsei
therhei savoidingmeorhei smaki ngaplan
astowher ewear egoi ngtolive.Thedooropens
andmysi sterwalksi nwithmymot her.Ishouldbe
happyr ight ?I'
m mor eashamedt hanhappy, Sli
knowswhatIgot hroughwi thSandi l
eandwe
promi sedeachot herthatwewon' tgetmymot her
i
nvolvedi nthis.Withherhi ghbloodpr essur
eand
diabetes, shewoul dn'tbeablet ohandl eknowi ng
thatherdaught erisapunchi ngbag
Mom:Si
mli
ndi
le.Mypoorbaby

Ismi
lef
aint
ly

Me:hel
lomama
Mom:howareyou?Sandil
etel
lsmethatyouguys
wer
erobbedandtheybur
ntdownyourhouse

Wow.Myhusbandr eall
yknowshowt oplayhis
cardsri
ght.Ihaven'
tseenhim butyethest i
ll
contr
olsmyl i
feli
keapuppetmast er.Justpull
ing
thestr
ingsineverydi
recti
onandSi mlindi
ledances

Sli
:sowhereareyouguysgoi ngtoli
venow?Ididn'
t
evenli
kethathouseofyours.Itwasjustcol
dand
l
ackedthewar mthofarealhome
Igi
vehert
hesideeye,
iknowwhatshei
stryi
ngt
o
doandIwon'
tall
owhertodoi
tinfr
ontofmy
mother

Me:I
'
m betternowmama.I'm gett
ingdischarged
t
omorrow.Howar eyou?How'sthebloodpr essur
e?
Mom:I'
mf i
neSimli
ndil
e.Youwor r
ytoomuch.Let
meworryaboutyouforonce.Sandil
esayshist
eam
i
sworki
nghardtofindthecri
minalsthatdi
dthi
sto
you
Me:youandSandi
lehavebeent
alki
ngal
otl
atel
y
Sandi
le:hawl
ove,
yousayt
hatasi
fit
sabadt
hing

Mywhol ebodygoescol datthesoundofhi svoice.

Idi
dn'tevenhearhi m comei n,idon'twanttolook
athim butIfeelhi
m comi ngclosert othebedI '
m
l
ayingon.hepl acesal ongpeckonmyf orehead.I
wanttopushhi m awaybutmymot herishereand
shethinkswehaveaper f
ectmar r
iageandt hathe
i
stheper fecthusband
Sl
i:Sandi
le

Sheroll
shereyesasshesayshi sname.My
husbandandmysi sternevergotalong.Sl
indi
lei
s
2yearsoldert
hanmeandsi ncedayoneshehas
warnedmeaboutSandi l
ebutIwasyoung, nai
ve
andinlove.Sandi
legivesherafakesmi l
e

Sandi
le:Sl
indi
le.Longt
imenosee
Sli
:you'
dseemor eofmei
fyoudi
dn'
tpushal
lofus
outofSi
mlindi
le'
sli
fe

Sandil
efr
owns,looksatmebutihavenoi nteresti
n
looki
ngathimri
ghtnow.Mystomachi sturningas
mymi ndrepl
aystheevent
softhelastt
imehi m and
iwereint
hesamer oom.

Sandi
le:i
fthati
sthecasewhywoul
dif
etchyou
guysf
rom eMl
azit
ocomeseeyoursi
ster
.you've
al
wayshatedmeSli
ndi
leandnowyouaretr
yingto
pai
ntmeasabadpersontomama
Mom:Sli
ndil
eleaveumkhwenyanaalone.Theyar
e
ayoungcoupl
e,theyar
enotalwaysgoingtohave
t
imetoseeus

Myf amilyli
veslessthananhourawayf r
om whereI
l
ive,orratherusedtoli
vebutt hi
sisthefi
rstti
me
I
'm seeingthem thi
syear.Iclearmythroatandfor
t
hef ir
attimesincehewal kedin,it
urntolookathi
m

Me:I
'
m get
ti
ngdi
schar
gedt
omor
row
Sandi
le:iknowst
handwasami
Me:wher
earewegoi
ngt
oli
ve?Si
ncet
hehouse
bur
ntdown
Sandil
e:Ifoundusaf l
at.I
tstemporaryofcour
se
unti
ltheinsur
ancepaysout .We'vej
ustbeenfaced
wit
hsomuchbadl ucklatel
y.Mycaral sogoti
nto
anaccidentbutI
'm get
tingitf
ixed
Mom:ohmypoorchi
ldr
en.I
'
m pr
ayi
ngf
oryou.The
bot
hofyou
Sandi
le:t
hankyoumama

30mi nslaterSandil
ehadtotakemymotherhome,
Slirefusedtoleavewit
hthem.I'
vemi
ssedmysi st
er
somuch.Gr owingup,shewasmybestfri
endbut
afterigotmar r
iedwedrif
tedapar
t

Sl
i:Ihat
eyou

Myeyeswi
dened.Iwasn'
texpect
ingt
hat

Me:hai
boSl
i
Her:noser
iouslySimli
ndil
eIhateyou.howdoyou
l
oveamanmor ethanyouloveyourownl i
fe?The
guylef
tyouf ordeadandthefir
stthi
ngyouaskhi m
whenhewal ksiniswhereyouwi l
lli
ve.Youare
goi
ngbackt ohim aft
erthi
s?
Me:Sliyouwouldn'tunderst
and.I
fIdon'
tgoback
t
ohim wherewilligo?Ican'tgobackhome,mama
wil
laskQuesti
onsidon' thaveanswer
sto
Her:haveyout
houghtaboutthepai
nitwi l
lbri
ng
mamawhenshehast oburyyouaft
erthatmanki l
ls
you?Becauset
hat'
stheonlytimehewillstop,
aft
er
hekil
lsyou

Sheisn'
tinmyshoessoidon' texpectherto
underst
and.Eveni
fileave,
hewi llf
indmeanddr ag
mebackhomeorki llme.Thisisoneofthose
si
tuati
onswhereI'
m doomedi fIdoandI '
m doomed
i
fidon't

Her
:thenr
epor
thi
m
Me:r
emembert
hel
astt
imewet
ri
edt
hat
?Bl
ewup
i
nourfaces

Thefir
stt
imeSandi
lehi
tmeandIlostthebaby,i
cal
ledmysist
erandtol
dher
.Shedraggedmet othe
pol
icestat
ionandwhenwet ol
dtheof f
iceronduty
whywewer ethere,hecal
ledSandil
eandt oldmeto
gi
vemyst atementt ohim.Igotanotherbeati
ngthat
ni
ghtandIwast oldthati
fIevert
rythatstuntagai
n,
mysisterwillar
ri
vehomei nabodybag

Her
:we'
l
ltr
yadi
ff
erentpol
icest
ati
on
Me:Sl
ithesepeopleal
lworktogether
.Report
ing
hi
m wi
lljustputyouguysindanger.I
'
dratherhe
hur
tmet hanforyourl
ivestobeindanger
Her:andthi
si swhyihateyou,youwouldrat
her
pr
otecteveryoneinst
eadofprotect
ingyour
self
.
Whowi l
lprotectyoubecauseyoualsoneed
pr
otecti
onaswel l

Forsomer easonithoughtofSambulo.Hiswords
echoi nmymi ndrepeat
edly."
Iwoul
ddoanyt hi
ng
foryou.Iwi l
lprot
ectyou".Maybeiwasabi tmean
tohim buthedeser vedit
,hehadnorighttobe
call
ingmeandupset ti
ngmyhusband.t heworst
partisthatIdidn'
tevengivehim mynumber
Me:Icanpr
otectmysel
f

Thedooropenedandhewal kedinbuthewasn' t
al
one.Todayt hecol dandemot i
onl esstwinisher e.
Mysisterturnsar oundt olookatt hem t henshe
l
ooksatmeandbackatt hem ast heygetcl osert o
whereshei ssit
ting.Icanal readyt ellthatshei s
mesmer i
zedbyt hei ri
nsanegoodl ooks.Iwonder
whathappenedt ot helistofl i
mitedvi sit
orsallowed
i
nmyr oom becauseIknowf oraf actt hattheset wo
arenotont hatl
ist

Sabel
o:mol
weni
Sl
i:hel
lo
Me:hey

Sambul o'
seyesaregluedonmeasusual
,Icanf
eel
them eventhoughI'
m notl
ooki
ngathi
m.
Sabel
o:Mr
sNgcoboI
'
mlooki
ngf
oryourhusband
Me:youj
ustmi
ssedhi
m
Sambul
o:hewasher
e?

Hesoundsangry.Theyarelooki
ngforhim her
eyet
hei
sangrythathewasher e.Idon'
tunderst
and
whatt
heywereexpectingmet osay

Sabelo:wewon'
tbestayi
nglong,
iwantt
oserve
himthesesummonsbutsinceyouaremarr
iedi
n
communi t
yofpr
opert
y,youmightaswel
lsi
gnfor
them
Me:summons?
Sabelo:yesma'am.Mycl
ientissuingyourhusband
forgeneraldamages,
medicalexpensesandpain
andsuf f
ering

Iwasmor
econf
usedt
haneverandwhywasSabel
o
bei
ngsofor
mal?Butt
henagai
nhei
sthecol
dand
emoti
onl
essone

Me:yourcl
ient
?
Sabel
o:yes.MrSambul
oSmith.al
ltheinf
ormati
on
youneedisinher
e.I
'mj
ustgoingtoneedyouto
si
gnforitandpl
easemakesureyourhusbandgets
i
t

NowIwasst ar
ingatSambuloandhewasst ar
ing
backatme.I tf
eltli
keastar
ingcont
estt
hatiwas
clear
lyl
osing.Isignedf
orthedocument
sthentook
theenvel
ope

Sabelo:t
hankyouMr
sNgcobo,
haveal
ovel
yday
fur
ther
Sambul
o:andgetwel
lsoonMr
sNgcobo

Hemadesur
etoemphasi
set
hel
astt
wowor
ds
bef
orewalki
ngout
,leavi
ngmei
ncompl
eteshock
andconf
usion

Sl
i:whot
hehel
lwer
ethosepeopl
e?

Ihadevenf or
got
tenthatsheisher
e.Shewasas
quietaseverwhi
lethetwinswereher
e

Me:myf
ri
end'
scousi
ns
Her:t
heonewi
ththecrut
chesissoyummy.Those
br
owneyesareheavenl
yandthoselegs
Me:hewaswear
ingj
eanssowhatl
egsar
eyou
t
alki
ngabout
Her:youcantel
lthathehasmagwegwehaw.Why
ar
eyouact i
ngbli
ndnow?
Me:theyaret
roubl
esodon'
twast
eyourt
ime
f
antasizi
ngaboutt
hem
Shecl
ickshert
ongueandst
art
stypi
ngonher
phone

Me:imeani
tSl
indi
le
Her:saysthegir
lthat'
smarri
edtoawifebeat
er.
Ngiyekeandletmehavemymoment .Obvi
ouslyt
he
guyonlyhaseyesf oryoubutI'
l
lenj
oythi
swhilei
st
il
lcan

I'
m notevengoi
ngtoenter
tainherandherCrazy
concl
usions.Whatst
il
lworr
iesmei swhatl
inks
Sambuloandmyhusbandandwhatgamei s
Sambuloplayi
ng?Noonejustwakesupand
deci
destosuesomeone
ICANSAVEMYSELF
*
11*
<Sambul
o>
Hayibutsomet
imespeoplewi
llj
ustshockyou.I
r
ememberspecifi
cal
lyt
ell
ingt
hismoronIshareda
wombwi tht
hatIwantNgcobodead.Neverdi
di
mentionanythi
ngaboutsuingtheguy,
Ihavemore
moneyt hanhim soIdon'
tneednordoiwanthi
s
peanuts.Sabel
ojustwantstodothi
ngshi
swayjust
becausehei sol
der.I
tsannoyi
ngreal
ly

Me:canIj
ustsayhowmuchofawast
eoft
imet
his
i
s?
Sabel
o:IknowwhatI
'
m doi
ng.Justr
elax.I
'
vegot
yountwana
Me:hayifokof,busycal
li
ngmentwanaasifI
'm
Shaka'sage.Youwanttoplaygameswit
hthis,
Iget
thatbutIwanttogetSimli
ndi
leawayf
rom t
hat
bastardasinyester
day
Him:yesesThi xo!Stopthinki
ngwithyourhear
tand
useyourbr ai
n.Wi t
ht hoseSummons, Ngcobowil
l
knowt hatwear eont ohim.Heisgoingtoshif
thi
s
focusfrom hi
swi feandf ocusonus.Thatguy
doesn'thaveR750000, heisabouttobeatour
mer cy
Ishakemyhead.MyFat her'
schi
ldhascomplet
ely
l
osthismind.Ei
therit
sthatorhewasdr oppedon
hisheadasachildandtheconsequencesareonly
showingnow.Hisstupidplandoesn'
tevenmake
sense

Me:whati fhetakesouthi
sfr ust
rat
ionson
Simlindi
le?Fucknhel
lSabelowhatifhet hrowsher
overthebalcony?Hechoset he8thfloorfora
reason

Hecover edhi
sfacewithhishandandst art
ed
shakinghishead.Honest
lyI'
mr eall
yannoyedwi
th
himrightnowbecauseIdon'tthinkheistaki
ngt
his
seri
ously

Him:oksmart
ypants,howdidyouwantt
hist
opl
ay
out?Youar
ejustgoi
ngtoki
llhi
m

Inod.Duh
Me:si
mpl
e
Him:when?Wher e?How?Becauset hi
smani s
ei
therathomewi t
hyourobsessionoratworkwith
ot
hercops.Youdor ememberthathei sacopri
ght?
Youknow, t
hosepeoplet
hatarrestpeopl
efor
cr
iminalbehavi
or
Me:don'
tpat
roniseme.Ihadn'
tthoughtofhowI
'
m
goi
ngtodothis
Him:thisi
swhyI'l
lbethebrainsbehi
ndt
his
operat
ion.youj
ustst
icktocrushi
ngonagirlt
hat
hatesyou.it
smoreyouthinganyway

If
li
ckhi
mt hemiddl
ef i
ngerandhest
art
slaughi
ng.
Heisr
eal
lyenj
oyingthi
s.watchi
ngmesuffer

Me:uyi
kakayomnt
usani
Him:andyouneedtogetl
aiddawg.Whenl
astdi
d
yougetpussyanyway
Me:voet
sek.Leavemeal
one

Wear edri
vingbacktotheof f
icefr
om thehospit
al.
I'
m counti
ngkilometr
esbeforewegett here
becauseSabeloisbeingaf emaledogrightnow.
Whenwear ri
veattheoff
ice,IspotTshepi'
scari
n
theparki
nglotandSabeloandil ookateachother

Me:yourpr
obl
em br
o,notmi
ne

Hesighs,
par
ksathi
sspotandwebot
hgetoutt
he
car

Hi
m:yoursi
steri
saheadachef
ondi
n
Me:di
stanceyour
sel
ffr
om herdr
amaandyoushal
l
beashappyasiam

Wef i
ndourbelovedsi
steri
nthel
obbypr
essi
ngher
phone.shel
if
tshereyeswhensheseesusand
smil
es.Idon'
thavesmi
lest
owast
esoij
ustst
areat
her

Tshepi
:Sambul
o,f
oreversogr
umpy
Me:whatt
roubl
ear
eyoui
nnow?
Her
:mxm.Heybr
other

ShehugsSabel o.Iswearthefemalesinmyf ami

ly
aretheonlypeoplethatmakemybr otherhuman.
Hejustbecomesweakwhent heyarearound.
Especial
lythi
sonet hatdoesn'
twanttogrowup

Sabel
o:l
et'
stal
kinmyof
fi
ce

Asmuchasihavenoi ntenti
onofbei ngapartof
thi
sconversat
ionandI'veclearl
ystatedthatbut
hereiam bei
ngdraggedal lovertheplace
Tshepi
:Ij
ustgotsuspendedatwor
k
Me:aboutf
ucknt
ime

Shegivesmethestinkyeyesandicoul
dn'tcar
e
l
essreall
y.Sheneverrespect
edherj
ob,showingup
l
ateanddrunkalmosteveryweek

Tshepi
:youar
esoevi
l
Me:mi na?Evi
l?Usangenesi
si.Youneedtogrow
t
hef uckup.UmdalamahnTshepi so.35andsti
ll
l
ivi
ngl i
keyouareavarsit
yst
udent
Sabel
o:youar
enothel
pingman
Me:I'
m nott
ryi
ngt
ohelp,
I'
m stat
ingfact
sand
anywayIhavewor
ktodosoI'l
lseeyouguys.

Iwalkoutandheadt omyoffi
ce.I'
vehadenough
dramatodaytolastmeal if
etimeandI '
vehad
enoughTshepisodr amatolastme2l i
feti
mesand
anaddedafterli
fe.Idon'
tevenblamedadf or
disowningher,t
hegir
listr
oublenj
e.Il
oveherButI
can'tdealwit
hher.Af
tercatchi
nguponworkfora
fewhour s,mybrot
herappearsatmydoor

Sabel
o:hei
sher
e
Me:who?
Hi
m:Ngcobo.Come

Ifol
lowhimtotheboardr
oom, mybl oodalr
eady
boil
ingbutI
'mtryi
ngmybestnott oletmyangerget
thebett
erofme.Ineedtothi
nkoft hebiggerpi
ctur
e
whichisensur
ingthatSi
miisprotected.Whenwe
gettothedoor
,Sabelost
opswal ki
ng

Sabel
o:l
etmedoal
lthet
alki
ng
Me:mxm l
et'
sgoi
n
Sabel
o:justkeepyourmout
hshut
.I'
mrepr
esent
ing
youheresobehave
Ipusht
hedooropenandwal kin.Whenmyeyes
l
andonhim,ihavetocont
roleveryfi
berofmy
bei
ngfr
om att
acki
nghim andbeatingtheshi
toutof
hi
m

Ngcobo:whatthefucki
sthi
sSmi th?Someki ndof
si
ckjoke?Inevert
riedt
okil
lyou.Ifanythi
ngyou
tr
iedt
okillmebecauseyoucrossedar edrobot

Sabel
ohastheenvel
opefrom Pet
erwiththe
pi
ctur
esofNgcobo'
scarhitt
ingmine.Thepict
ures
arest
il
lsf
rom t
hecamerasatthetraf
fi
cli
ghts

Sabel
o:whydi
dn'
tyoust
op?
Ngcobo:Ihadpl
acestobe.Unl
ikeyout
woshi
t
heads,
I'
m animport
antmemberofthecommuni
ty
Sabelo:t
hat'
snice.Youar
eamanoft hel
awand
youknowt hataft
eranacci
dent,
bothvehi
clesmust
staystat
ionar
yuntilt
hepol
icearr
ive
Ngcobo:I
'
m notgi
vingyou3quar
ter
sofami
ll
ion
forsomethi
ngyouarealsol
iabl
efor
.everhear
dof
apport
ionmentofdamages?
Me:everhear
dofdomest
icabuse?

Thewhol eroom goesqui

et,bot
hSabeloand
Ngcobogi vemet he"
whatthefuck"l
ookandidon'
t
care.Thei
rstupi
dgamesar estupi
d.weallknow
thi
sguyi sabusi
nghiswife,whyarewebeating
aroundthebushaboutit?

Ngcobo:Idon'
tknowwhatyouar
etal
kingabout
Me:whatkindofacopdoesn'tknowabout
domesticabuse?HayiNgcoboyoudefeatme.I
'
ve
alwayssaidyouareashit
tycopandtookat
yoursel
fnow...
provi
ngmeright
Ngcobo:I
'
m war
ningyou,
youdon'
twantt
opi
ssme
of
f
Me:ifcourseIdo.Iwantt
oshowyout hatyouare
not
hingbutawor thl
esspi
eceofshi
tthatpreyson
def
enselesswomen
Hestandsupandidot oo.I
'
m donewit
hthi
sshit.I
wanttofacehi
m asamanandf orhi
mt odohis
worst
.Themeresightofhimispi
ssi
ngmeof fasit
i
s

Sabel
o:si
tdownNgcobo,
thi
sisnotyourpol
ice
st
ati
on
Ngcobo:khuzal
ent
wanayakho.Hedoesn'
tknow
peopl
eandicouldmakehi
slif
emiserabl
e
Me:samewayyouar emakingSimli
ndile'
sli
fe
miserable?I'
m notyourwif
eNgcobo, Idon'
tfear
you.I'
llsendyoutothelandofyourforefat
hers
quickerthanyoucansaychi sampama

Hewalkstowar
dsthedoorbutstopsassoonashe
r
eachesit
.Hehasasmi r
konhi sface,t
hebast
ard
i
ssti
llf
eel
ingcockyandhighandmi ght
ly

Ngcobo:youhavequi
teanobsessi
onwi
thmywi
fe,
i
tsunheal t
hyndodabuttoni
ghtwhenIlaynextto
herwithmyar msaroundher,wemightjusthave
pil
lowtal
kaboutthismomentr i
ghther
e.Itsquit
e
cutereal
ly.

Hetakesapause,
shi
ft
shi
sgazef
rom met
omy
br
other

Ngcobo:you'
l
lbehearingf
rom mylawyer
sabout
t
hisjokeofalawsui
t.Gooddaygentl
emen

Hewalksout
,leavi
ngmeatboil
ingpoint.Ineeda
dr
ink,
nahfuckthatineedasmoke.Ineedt ocl
ear
myhead

Sabel
o:whatt
hef
uckwast
hat
?Wehadapl
an
Me:fuckyourpl
anbruh,I'
m notgoi
ngtosi
ther
e
andhaveateapart
ywi t
hthatasshol
e
Hi
m:youment
ionedSi
mli
ndi
l
e.Youshoul
dn'
thave
donethat.Sambuloyousoundedl i
keajealous
boyf
ri
endaf ewminutesagoandr i
ghtnowt hi
sguy
i
sgoingtoSi mli
ndi
leandwedon' tknowwhathei s
goi
ngt odotoherafterthatst
untofyours

Fuck!Whythehel
ldidn'
tIthi
nkofthat
?Igotso
caughtupinmanningupt ot
hisi
diott
hatif
orgot
abouttheoneper
sonI'm doi
ngal
lofthisf
or

Hi
m:itol
dyout
oleavet
het
hinki
ngt
ome.
Masambe
Me:wher
ear
ewegoi
ng?
Him:tofi
xyourmess.Ift
hatgi
rlspendstheni
ght
wit
hNgcobo, shewon'
tseetomorrow.Call
Usit
handil
eandfindoutwhenSimlindi
lei
sget
ti
ng
di
scharged.

Wearealreadyoutoftheboardroom byt
het
imehe
f
ini
shestalki
ng.Idialmycousin'
sNumberaswe
r
eachthecar .Sabel
oisal
soont hephonewi
th
someonearr
angi
ngwher
etomeetupsohecanget
tr
anqui
li
zer
s
ICANSAVEMYSELF
*
12*
<Sabel
o>
Idi
dn'thaveapl anbutwhatidi dknowi sthatwe
havet ogetSimlindil
eoutoft hathospit
al.Asmuch
asI'm notgoingtoshowi trightnow, whatSambul o
di
dpi ssedmeof f .Ngcobopr obablyknowsnowt hat
Sambul ocaresabouthi swifeandIknowhei s
goingtouset hatt ogetl
everageoveruswhi chis
whywehavet ogettoSimlindilefi
rst

Sambulo:UsisaysSi
mli
ndi
lei
sget
ti
ngdi
schar
ged
tomor
row
Me:good.Let
'shopeNgcobodoesn'
tchanget
hat

Sil
encefi
ll
sthespacesbetweenus.Anyonet hat
knowsusknowst hatther
eisneversi
lencewhen
wearetogether
.Atthebackofmymi ndI'm sayi
ng
asi
lentpr
ayert
hatt
hisdoesn'
tbackf
ir
e

Hi
m:I
'
m sor
ry.Iknowif
uckedup
Me:we'
llt
alkaboutt
hiswhenal
lisset
tl
edandst
op
smoki
nginmycar
Hi
m:hayit
hisi
smycar
,remember
?

Igavehi m averyunimpressedlookthenyankedt he
ci
gar et
tefrom hi
sf i
nger
sandt hrewitoutt he
window.I '
m dri
vingtowardsthehospitalwithno
soli
dpl anandasmuchasihat et osayt hi
s,I'
m abit
scared.Ihatebeingunprepared,especiall
yfor
somet hingli
kethiswheresomuchcoul dgowr ong

Hi
m:sot
heot
herni
ghtul
aleamaOut
Me:yeahso?

t
heidi
otstar
tslaughi
ng.Il
ikeditbet
terwhenhe
wasqui
et.ri
ghtnowhei sannoyingme
Hi
m:youcar
eabouther
Me:aboutwho?Si
mli
ndi
le?
Hi
m:no!Thandi
Me:mxm I'
m notgoingtoenter
tai
nyou.Shei
sjust
agi
rlI
'
m screwing,accepti
tandstopt
ryi
ngtomake
i
tmorethanwhatitis
Hi
m:hmm
Me:hmm yant
oni
?fokofmahnSambul
o.Yi
yeke

Hecont inuedlaughing.I
'mt emptedt oleavehi s
l
impi ngassatt hesideofther oad.r eall
ytempt ed
andhei scr azy.Idon'
tcareaboutThandi ,wellIdo
butnoti nthewayhewasi mpl yi
ngi tandspeaki ng
ofThandi ,ineedtogiveheracal l.thisdayhas
beenst ressful
,Ineedtoreleaseal lthistensionand
stress.Iparkoutsidethehospital
, releaseasi gh
thent ur
nt omybr other
Me:st
ayher
e
Hi
m:what
?No
Me:SambuloI
'
m ser
ious.Thi
sisnotsomet
hingyou
needt
oscrewup.St
ayhere
Hi
m:atl
eastt
ellmet
hepl
an
Me:idon'
thaveonebutwhatyouneedtoknowi
s
t
hatI'
m goi
ngtowalkoutwit
hSimli
ndil
e

Igetoutthecarbeforehehasachancet osay
anythi
ngelse.IspoketoPaulaswewer eleaving
theoff
ice,hei saphar
macistatthishospit
al.Heis
goingtohookmeupwi thsomet hi
ngthatiwi l
linj
ect
i
nt oSi
ml i
ndile'
sbodyanditwil
lknockherout .He
alsoorganizedadoctor'
scoatforme.

Paul:what
everyouplantodo,
don'tgetcaught
becauseIsti
llenj
oyworki
nghere
Me:don'
twor
rybr
uh,
iwon'
t
Wegoti ntoacloset,iputt
hecoatonandtookthe
syr
ingefrom him,tookinadeepbreathandwalked
out.Si
ml i
ndil
e'
seyesl ookedl
iket
heywereaboutto
popoutoft hei
rsocketswhenshesawmei na
doctor
'scoatpushingawheelchairi
ntoherroom

Si
mi:what
'sgoi
ngon?
Me:wear
eleavi
ng
Her:we?Who'
swebecauseI
'
m notgoi
nganywher
e
wit
hyou
Me:ei
therwedothist
heeasywayort
hedif
fi
cul
t
waybutattheendofi
tal
l,
I'
mleavi
ngwit
hyou

Idon'thavethetimenort heenergytobesweett o
her,I
'
m notSambul o.Shedidn'
twanttodot hi
ngs
theeasywayandt hat'
showsheendedupwi tha
needleonherneck.t hist
hing,t
hisverynonexistent
thi
ngbet weenherandmybr otheri
scausingmea
l
otofdr amat hatIdonotneed.AsIl i
ftherfr
om t he
bedont othechai r
,I'
m sayi
ngasi l
entprayerthatI
don'
tgetcaughtbutcl
earl
yt her
ewereissueswi
th
gett
ingmyprayerstoheavenbecausethedoor
opensandIlockeyeswiththeladyt
hatwashere
earl
ier

?
?:Iknowyou,youar
enotadoct
or.Wher
ear
eyou
t
aki
ngmysister?
Me:toasafepl
ace.Idon'
thavet
imet
oanswer
quest
ions
Her
:ican'
tjustletyout
akeher
.idon'
tknowyou,
whati
fyouhur ther?
Me:I '
m notaski
ngforyourper
missi
on.I'
llgethert
o
callyouwhenshewakesupandi tsforyourown
safetythatyoudon'
tknowwhoIam orwher eI'm
takingher

IwheelSi
mli
ndi
lepasthersi
sterwhotr
iest
ofol
low
meandistopbefor
ereachi
ngt heDoor

Me:wher
ear
eyougoi
ng?
Her:I
'
m notstayi
ngher
ewi
thouther
.I'
m goi
ng
whereyouaregoing
Me:dammi twomanwi l
lyoul
ist
en.Ineedtogetout
ofher easinyest
erdayandyoufol
lowingme
aroundi sgoi
ngtogetmecaught.Walkout5mins
afteriwalkout

IusetheexitPaultol
dmeaboutwhi chisoneofthe
emergencyexit
st henwheelSimli
ndil
etowherethe
carisparkedwhichisn'
ttoofar
.Asiopent heback
door,Sambuloturnshisheadaround,seeswhatI'
m
doingandf r
owns

Sambulo:whatt
hefuck?I
sshedead?Yousaidyou
wil
lwalkoutwit
hhernotwheelherwhi
leshei
s
unconsci
ous
Me:makesnodi
ff
erencer
eal
ly

Icloset
hedooraf
terSi
mli
ndi
leiscomfort
ableon
theseatt
hengeti
nthedri
ver
'sseatanddri
veoff
.I
don'
tknowwher eI'
m going.Ican'tt
akehertomy
house,t
hatwouldthefir
stplacethatani
malchecks
andican'tt
akeherhomebecausemymot herwi
ll
notacceptuski
dnappingamar r
iedwoman.Thandi!
Ij
usthopeshewi l
lbeopent othis

Sambul
o:wher
ear
ewet
aki
ngher
?
Me:t
oThandi
'
spl
ace
Hi
m:doessheknow?Di
dsheagr
ee?
Me:noandno.I
'
llt
alkt
oherwhenwegett
her
e
Hi
m:thi
sbett
erwor kSabel
o.Ican'
tloset
hisgi
rlat
t
hehandsofthatasshol
e.Pl
easebruh

Asighescapedmyl ips.I
'm notgoingtostart
makingpromi sesIcan'tkeep.Wemett hisgir
la
monthago.5weeksandsomuchdr amahast aken
pl
ace,I'
vebrokent helawandihaveaf eeli
ngit
won'tbethelastti
me.Idon' tknowwhatki ndoflove
makespeoplebehavel i
kethisbutIdon'twantit.
Whenwegett oThandi '
splace,igetoutthecaron
myown.Ineedtot
alkt
oherfir
st.Sheopenst
he
dooraf
termyt
woveryloudknocks

Thandi
:Sabel
o,t
hisi
sasur
pri
se
Me:canicomei
n?

Shemovesoutt hewayandIwal ki
n.Myarmsgo
onherwaistandipullhertowar
dsme.Shesqueal
s
befor
esmili
ng.Ineedherbutthisi
snott
heti
meso
isett
lef
oranintensekiss

Her
:whydi
dyoust
op?
Me:weneedt
otal
k.Wel
lihaveaf
avorIneedt
oask
i
fyou

Shefrowns,
fol
dsherar msacr ossherchestt
he
st
aresatme.inarratethest
oryofSimlindi
leand
Sambulotoher,
from thebeginningunt
ilwhattook
pl
acejustafewmi nutesago
Her
:sowher
eisshenow?
Me:int
hecar.I
tsonl
yforacoupl
eofdays.Two
weeksmaxi
mum
Her
:andwhatdoigeti
nret
urn?
Me:whatdoyouwant
?
Her:Iwantyoutoconsiderusbei
ngarealcoupl
e.
I'
m goi
ngt ostar
tther
apynextmonth,
maybeyou
coulddoitto
Me:OK.I'
l
lgi
veyouwhat
everyouwant
.Eveni
fit
s
t
herapy

I'
m notgoi ngtotherapy.Idon'tunderstandhow
tal
kingaboutmyf eeli
ngswi llhel
pwi t
hmyi ssues.
Nott al
kingseemst obewor kingjustfi
neforme.
Theonl yreasonIagr eedisbecauseIdon' tknow
wher eelseI'
llt
akeSi mli
ndil
e.Thandihel psmewi t
h
taki
ngheri ntothehouset henil i
ftherandplaceher
onthebedi nthesparebedroom
Sambul
o:I
'
m goi
ngt
ost
ayunt
ilshewakesup
Me:ifi
gur
edyou'
dsayt
hat
.Ihavet
ogosoShaka
wi
llhavet
ofet
chyou
Hi
m:al
ri
ght
.We'
l
ltal
klat
er

Inod.Thandiofferst
owal kmeoutandaswewal k
towar dsmycar,Iwonderwhatbroughtonthe
relat
ionshi
pthoughtsinhermind.Idon'
tdo
relat
ionshi
ps,sheknowst hi
sandfrom whereI'
m
standingit
sstart
ingtolookli
kesheistr
yingto
changeme.Ihat eit

Her
:justt
hinkabouti
t
Me:Iwi
llbutIjustthi
nki
twillbeasui
cidemi
ssi
on.
t
hetwoofust ogetherwi
llj
ustbetoxi
c
Her
:thi
siswhywe'
l
lgot
other
apy

Isi
gh.I
tdoesn'
tsoundl
ikeshei
sgoi
ngt
olett
his
go
Me:therapi
stsar
enotmagi
ciansThandi
.Theycan'
t
f
ixeverythi
ng

Shewrapsherarmsar oundmyneckandki ssesme

sl
owly.Myhandsgof orherassandil i
ftherup.Her
l
egsarearoundmywai stsoit
urnaroundandput
heragai
nstthecarandshepullsoutofthekiss

Her
:justt
hinkabouti
t
Me:l
etsgeti
nthecar
Her
:iknowwhatt
hatmeansandno.Ihaveguest
s
Me:comeon,
I'
llbequi
ck.Imi
ssyou

Sher eal
lytr
iedtotur
nmedownbuticanbequi t
e
persuasi
ve.Af t
ercumming,ir
emovedherf rom on
topofme, Placeheronthepassengerseatthen
removet hecondom andti
editbefor
ewr appingiti
n
ti
ssues
Me:I
'
llcal
lyoul
ater

Iki
ssherbef
oresheget
soutt
hecarandIdr
iveof
f
ICANSAVEMYSELF
*
13*
<Si
mli
ndi
le>
Iwokeupyetagai ninanunf ami l
iarplacewi tha
sti
ffbody.Mybodyf eltlikeithadn'tmovedi nages
andIwasj ustt i
red.Therewasl i
ghtout sidebuti t
wasst i
llabi tchill
ysoi tmustst il
lbet hemor ning.
Wher eam i ?Thisi snotahospi t
al,it
sabedr oom
paint
edi nbr ightredandor angecol ors.Thebed
l
inenisyel lowandwhi temat chi
ngt hecur t
ains.
Thereisacouchatt hef arendoft heroom wi th
someonesl eepingoni t.From wher eI'
ml aying, i
cantellthatitsoneoft het wi ns,
I'mj ustnotsur e
whichonei tis.Sabelomusthavesuccessf ully
ki
dnappedmeandI '
m sur ewher everSandi l
ei s,he
i
sgoi ngcr azy.Itsprobabl yamat t
erort i
mebef ore
hecomesher
egunsbl
azi
ngt
ofet
chme

"
Youar
eawake"

Hesit
suponthecouchandiseehismoonboot
peaki
ngf
rom undert
heheavybl
anket

Me:wher
eam I
?
Sambulo:howar
eyouf
eel
ing?You'
vebeenoutf
or
twodays
Me:mybodyissti
ffbutI
'
m OK.Youdi
dn'
tanswer
myquest
ion.Wheream I
?

Heget
sup,fol
dst
hebl
anketandpl
acesi
tneat
lyon
t
hecouch.

Him:I'
l
lseewhatIcanorganizeforbreakf
astthen
I
'l
lansweral
lyourquest
ions.thebathroom i
sthe
dooropposit
et hi
sroom justincaseyouwantt
o
freshenupbeforeweeat .Thandihel
pedmewith
getti
ngyouaf ewclothes,theyarei
nthecl
oset
thereonyourleft

Inodded.Thandimustbehi sgi rl
fr i
endandt ot hink
SlithoughtSambul oisinlovewi thme.Ishoul d
makeapl ant ocallher,I
'm sur eshemustbe
wor ri
edsick.IjusthopeSandi lehasn' thurtherj ust
becausehehasn' tfoundme.Af terSambul owal ks
out,Igetup, maket hebedt henopent hewi ndows.
Ther eisn'
tmuchofavi ew, justot herhousesata
distance.Iopent heclosetandIf indever ythi
ng
from toil
etri
es,sanitar
ypads, pant yl i
nerst oclothes
andshoes.it akethetoil
etrybag, removemy
pyjamasandwr apmybodyi nat owel .Ihaven't
bathedi ntwodays, Ineedt of reshenup.myhai ris
suchamess.Iwantt ocutitact ual ly.I'
vehad
enoughofi t
.WhenI '
mf eel
ingal lf reshandcl ean, i
wearsweat pantsandal ongsl eevedT- shirt
.itsnot
reall
ycol dbutmybodyi scover edi nscar s.
Althought hewoundshaveheal edandst i
tches
wer er
emoved, isti
lldon'
tfeelcomf or
tablewith
otherpeopl
eseei ngmyscar s.Ifi
ndSambul ointhe
kit
chensingi
ng.Hi svoiceismagi calandeven
thoughidon'tknowt hesong, Ist
andandwat chand
l
istentohim.Hei scookingorr at
herat t
emptingto
cookbecausei tsmel l
sli
keal oti
sbur ni
ng

Me:needahand?

Het
urnsar
ound,
smi
lest
hennods

Sambul
o:Isuckatt
hisbutIwant
edt
ocookf
oryou
Me:whatar
eyoumaki
ng?
Him:f
renchtoastandbacon.Bacont
urnedoutok
butt
hisfr
enchtoastisn'
tgoi
ngsowell
Me:hmm myf
avor
it
e
Hi
m:iknow
Hewhi spersbeforerushi
ngoutoftheki
tchen.I
knowI '
venevertoldhimthatsohowcouldheknow?
I'
m notcomf or
tablehere,att
hebackofmymi nd,I
keepfeeli
ngasi fSandil
ecouldwalki
nhereany
moment .EverytimeSambul oopensandclosesa
door,igetafri
ght.

Me:t
her
eyougo

Hehasalsofr
eshenedupandiswear i
ngcot
t on
short
sandaT-shi
rt.Wehavebreakf
astinsi
lence
thenIwashdi
sheswhenwear edone

Hi
m:t
hisi
smybr
other
'ssexbuddy'
shouse
Me:sexbuddy?

Hel
aughs.Hei
shel
pingmebydr
yingt
hedi
shes

Hi
m:yep.Thewor
dexpl
ainsi
tsel
f.I
'
m sor
ryhe
ki
dnappedyou.Wedi dn'
thaveachoi
ce.Ipr
ovoked
yourhusbandoutofangerandwewerejustscar
ed
ofwhathewoulddot oyou

Idon'tknowwhatt osayaboutt hatsoitsbestij

ust
keepquiet.I'
m happythatIdon'thavetosee
Sandileforafewdays, Iknowthisistemporaryand
thathewi l
ldefi
nit
elykil
lmewhenhef indsmebutI
wantt oenjoymyl astdays.Makethemostoft he
l
itt
letimethatisti
llhaveali
ve

Me:t
hankyouf
ort
hecl
othesandt
het
oil
etr
ies
Him:don'
twor
ryabouti
t.Thandiwant
edmet
obuy
youmakeupaswell
Me:di
dyou?

Heshakeshishead.Ikeepst
eali
ngglancesathi
m
butmystaresdon'
tlastl
ongbecausehekeeps
cat
chingmeandILookaway.Heseemsgenui ne
abouthel
pingmebutIdon'tt
rusthi
m.Hedoesn't
knowmesowhyi shegoingt
osuchlengt
hst
ohelp
me.Itjustdoesn'
tmakesensetome.Nooneist
hat
generous.Iref
usetobel
ievet
hat

Hi
m:ithinkyoulookmorebeaut
if
ulwi
thoutmake
upandbeforeyousayanyt
hing,
iknowyouare
marr
ied
Me:Iwasn'
tgoi
ngt
osaythat
.Howdoyouknow
whatmyfavor
it
ebr
eakf
asti
s?
Him:ij
ustknow.IknowalotaboutyouSi
mli
ndi
le
andsomeoft hest
uffpi
ssmeof fbutI
'
mtryi
ngnot
toj
udgeyou.Ireal
lyam
Me:soyouknowwhyIwasi
nhospi
tal
?

HenodsandI '
m embarrassed.Isti
llhave
nightmaresaboutthat
.Thel ookinhiseyesashe
beatmei sengravedinmybr ai
n.Idon'tthi
nkI'l
l
everbeabl et
of or
geti
t.Eveni fI
'm awayf r
om him,
i
tstil
lfeelsasifheiswatchingmeandwai tingto
snatchanybitofhappinessImi ghtbef eel
ing
Him:Ijustdon' tunderstandwhyyouwoul dstay
andtakeal lofthat.Youar ebeauti
ful,
smartand
anymanwoul dbel uckytohaveyou.Youdeserve
tobetreatedlikeaqueen, notbei
ngsomeasshole's
punchi
ngbag.Doyouknowhowi nsanel
ybeaut
iful
youare?

Ismi l
eabitasmyheadl owers.Ihaven'thear
da
mancal lmebeautif
ulinages.I
tfeel
sgoodbuti
don'texpecthi
m oranyonetounderstandwhyi
stayedinmymar ri
age.

Me:sodoyoust
ayher
etoo?
Hi
m:nah.Istayathomewit
hmypar
ent
s.Idi
dn'
t
wantt
oleaveunti
lyouar
eawake

Wespentt hedaytal
king,
gett
ingtoknoweach
otherandyhotheguycant al
kandhemakesal ot
ofjokessoiwaslaughingalot.imadeusst
eakand
chipsforl
unchandar ound5pm,aladythatwas
probablymyagearri
vedcarryi
ngalaptopbagand
herhandbag.Herbeaut yi
smesmer i
zingandshe
l
ooksl i
keacareerdr
ivenwomanj udgi
ngbyher
outfi
t.

Sambulo:Youlookl
ikehel
lbr
uh.Comet
hissi
deso
icani
ntroduceyou

Shewalksi
ntot
hel
ounge,
sit
sdownt
hent
akesof
f
herheel
s

Sambulo:Si
mithi
si sThandi
,theowneroft
his
houseandthepersonyouwillbest
ayingwi
thfora
coupl
eofdays.Thandithi
sisSimi

Shesmi
ledbeaut
if
ull
yandwavedatme

Thandi
:ni
cet
ofi
nal
lymeetyouSi
mi.Howar
eyou
f
eel
ing?
Me:it
'
sni
cet
omeetyoutooandthankyouf
or
al
lowi
ngmet
ost
ayhere.I'
m OKnow
Her
:don'tevenworr
yabouti
t.Afr
iendofSambul
o's
i
safriendofmine.We'
l
lhavesomemuchf unher
e
t
ogether.You'
l
lsee

Ismil
eshyl
ythensheget
supandheadst
owhatI
'
ll
assumeisherbedr
oom

Me:sheseemsni
cef
orasexbuddy

Sambul
obrokei
ntoal
oudl
aughandij
ustshook
myhead.

Sambulo:Shakaisf et
chingmet oni
ght
.Ihavetobe
atworktomorrowbutI '
llcheckonyouaft
erwork.I
boughtyouaphonewi thanewnumber .Pl
easebe
caref
ulwit
hit,I
'l
lletyouusemyphonet ocallyour
si
sterbutf
ort
hesaf
etyofever
yone,
don'
tcal
lher
wi
thyourphone.

Isi
gh.ifeell
ikeapr i
soner,I
'
m probablynotgoingt
o
beall
owedt ogoout si
deaswel l
.Iknowi t'
sformy
ownsafetybutal if
einhidi
ngisnotfitforhumans.I
can'
tli
vether estofmylif
eliket
his

Him:i tsnotconveni
entbutit'
snotgoingtolast
forever.I'
m worki
ngonget t
ingyouyourown
apartmentandyou' l
lmovet herei
naf ewdays.Thi
s
i
sal ltemporarySimli
ndi
le.you'l
lgetyourl
if
eback.I
promi seyou.Thisisj
ustthefir
ststep
Me:whyar
eyoudoi
ngt
his?Hel
pingme
Him:eveni fitol
dyour i
ghtnow,youwouldn'
t
bel
ievemeandyouwon' tseet
hebeaut yofi
tsof
or
nowj ustknowt hatIseeyouasaf r
iendandI'
m
hel
pingmyf ri
endout

Inod.Ar
ound8pm,
aft
erwe'
vehadsupperwhi
ch
waspizzaandj ui
ce,t
herewasaknockont hedoor
anditensedup.whatifit
shim?Hehasf oundme
alr
eady.Thandigetsuptoopenandmyeyesf oll
ow
herwhilemyheartbeatincr
easeswithever
ystep
shetakestowardsthedoor.sheopensandaguy
walksin.Helooksabitl
ikeSambulo,j
ustli
ght
er
thanhimincompl exi
on

?
?:mol
weni
Thandi
:heychubbycheeks

Theguysmi
lesshyl
y

Him:comeonsi
sThandi
,thechubbycheeksar
e
gonenow

Hehasabi
tofaLispbuthei
sabsol
utel
yador
abl
e.
Hei
sakidbutacut
ekid
Sambulo:hei
smyri
desoihavet
ogobutli
keisaid,
I'
l
lcheckonyout
omorr
owthenyoucancal
lyour
si
ster
Me:al
ri
ght

HegotupandsodidI.Idon'tknowifweshoul
d
hugornotandThandiandthecuti
epiearest
ari
ng
atus

Sambul
o:canIgetahugbef
oreIl
eave?

Wehug,
heki
ssesmycheekt
henmyf
orehead

Him:I'
l
lseeyoutomorrow.Takecareofyour
sel
f
andremembereveryt
hingIsaidaboutt
hephone
ICANSAVEMYSELF
*
14*
<Sambul
o>
Itt
ookNgcobol ongerthanihadexpect edtof i
gure
outthatwear etheonest hatt ookSiml i
ndi
leandby
theti
mehebar gedintomyof fice,Iwasprepared
forhim.Itsbeen2andahal fweekssi nceSimlindi
le
l
eftthehospi tal
, 3dayssinceshemovedi nwi t
hmy
parentsandI .Itwasn'teasybutmymom i sa
suckerforani ntenselovest orysoconvi ncingher
waseasy.Mydadont heot herhandi sn't
parti
cularlyhappyaboutt hei deaofmeshacki ngup
withanot herman' swifeinhishouse.Ij usthada
badf eel
ingaboutl ett
ingSiml indil
estayonherown,
notwhi l
eNgcoboi sstil
lali
ve

Ngcobo:yout
hinkyouar
efunny?Thi
sisal
labi
g
j
oketoyou
Me:itwoul
dhel
pifiknewwhatyouar
etal
king
about

Hehissesbefor
epull
ingachairandsitt
ingdown.At
thi
spointI
'mjustl
ookingathim,idon'
twantto
speakbecauseIknowIwillspeakoutofanger
Hi
m:wher
eismywi
feSmi
th?
Me:Idon'
tknow
Him:don'tli
etome.Whereisshe?Iknowyouhave
hersoeitheryoutel
lmewheresheisorIf
indher
myselfandt hi
ngstur
nugl
yforyouandher
Me:ar
eyout
hreat
eni
ngmeNgcobo?
Hi
m:iwantmywif
eSmi t
h.Youdon'tknowwhoyou
ar
emessi
ngwit
h.I'
m goi
ngtoki
llyou

Thechairmakesascr eechingsoundashepushes
i
tbackwar dsbeforestandingup.West areateach
otherf
orawhi lebeforehecl i
ckshistongueand
walksout.ichuckl
et omysel fbefor
eshakingmy
head.Thisassholeissof ullofhi
mself.Kamowalks
i
ntomyof ficeaft
ericallforhim andhesitsdown

Me:Iwantyoutol
ist
entomecaref
ull
ybecauseI
don'
twantyouscr
ewingthi
sup
Kamo:yessi
r
Me:youar egoingt ogot owher eIstayandaskf or
Siml i
ndi l
ethent akehert othepolicestati
onin
Pietermar it
zburgsot hatshecanmakeher
statement .Askf orof fi
cerOyandisaShabane, he
willtakeherst atementt hengowi t
hyout omaket he
arrest.Undernoci rcumst anceswillyoutakeyour
eyesof fSimli
ndi l
e.Iwi l
lmeetyouguysbackatt he
policest ati
oninPi etermar i
tzbur
g.justcallmewhen
thear resthasbeenmade
Hi
m:OKsi
r

Ihandhimt hef i
lewithSiml
indi
le'
sdocument sthen
heleaves.eachdayIcomeupwi t
hwayst otoughen
upthiskidandIdon' tknowwhatwor ksandwhat
doesn't
.Hei sjusttoosoftf
ortheworkthatwedo
buthismot herismyuncl eShaun'
sbusiness
part
nersowehi redhim.Aft
erheleaves,idi
al
Somila'
snumber

Somi
la:bhut
i
Me:si
si,
uri
ght
?
Her
:I'
m goodandyou?
Me:I
'
m gr
eat
.pl
easegi
veSi
mit
hephone

Ihearshuffl
ingaroundbeforeherbeauti
fulvoice
comest hr
ought hespeakersandismi l
etomysel f.
I'
m soinlovewiththisgi
rlandit
sasi fsheisthe
onlyonethatdoesn'tseeit

Si
mi:hel
lo
Me:hey.Yougood?
Her
:yesandyou?
Me:tir
edbutgood.ListenKamoisonhiswayto
pickyouup.Youpromisedmet hatt
hedayNgcobo
fi
guresoutthatyouarewithus,
youareopeni
nga
caseagainsthi
m andthedayhasarri
ved

Shesi
ghsandkeepsqui
etf
oraf
ewsecondst
hen
si
ghsagai
n
Her
:hehasf
oundme?
Me:no.Hej ustknowswehaveyou.I'
l
lmeetyou
guysatthepolicest
ati
onaft
ert
hearrest
.Mycousi
n
wil
lhandlethecasesobestbel
ievet
hathewil
lput
yourhusbandinjail
Her:Idon'
tknowaboutthi
sSambul
o.Whati
fhe
escapes?Hewillki
llme
Me:doyout
rustme

Shesi
ghs

Me:Si
mli
ndi
ledoyout
rustme?
Her
:Ido
Me:thenyouhavenothi
ngtoworryabout
.Iwoul
d
doanythi
ngtoprot
ectyou.Youshoul
dknowthatby
now
Her
:soKamowi
lldr
iveme
Me:yes.I
'l
lmeetyouatt
hepol
icest
ati
onaf
ter
ever
ythi
ng

WesayourgoodbyesandIhangupt henheadt o
Sabel
o'soff
ice.I
'
m doingthistohelpSimlindi
lebut
al
sotoredeem myselftomybr otherbecauseas
muchashehasn' tsaidanyt
hingaboutt hefl
opI
madewi t
hNgcobo, Iknowitpissedhim off

Sabel
o:t
hatsmi
leofyour
sisannoyi
ng
Me:youknowyouhavei
ttoo,
justusei
t
Hi
m:andannoypeopl
ewi
thi
t?Not
hankyou.uf
una
nt
oni
?
Me:I
'
mtaki
ngyououtnt
wanayami
.ToPMB

Hef rowns,l
ooksatmel i
keI'
mt hemostannoying
personont hePlanetbutiknowhei sjustf
aki
ngit.
Hel ovesme.Itellhi
m aboutmypl anandithi
nki
noti
ceasmi l
ebutitdisappear
sbef or
eicansay
anythingaboutit
Hi
m:t
ryi
ngt
oredeem your
sel
f?
Me:no.Ihavenot
hingt
opr
ovet
oanyone

Hesmirkst
henswit
chest
oser i
ousmor eagain.I
don'
tknowhowhedoesthatsoquickl
ybutitfreaks
meoutatti
mes.I
tsli
keheistwodiff
erentpeople

Hi
m:whati
f
Me:don'tbruh.Idon'
twanttothi
nkaboutthat.I
'
m
nottr
yingtoimpressher,
itol
dyout hatbutIwant
hertoli
veherlif
eandifshedoesn'twantmeaf t
er
al
lthisthenit
snotmeanttobe
Hi
m:you'
l
lacceptt
hat
?

Ishrugmyshoulders.Ir
eall
ydon'twantt
othi
nk
aboutthat
.Myheartwon'tbeabletohandl
e
rej
ecti
onatthi
spointbutI'
m notgoingt
opushher
Hi
m:suxokayouwi
llf
ightf
orher
.Iknowyou.You
ar
easstubbor
nast
heycome

Il
augh.Heknowsmel i
keiknowmysel fsothere
wouldbenopoi ntinarguingthis.Anhourl at
er,
Kamocal lsmeandwel eaveforPMB.Sabel ois
drivi
ng.I'
m busyt ext
ingSimlindil
eandsheseemsa
bitshaken.thiscantbeeasyf orher,ijustwantto
gettoher,wr apmyar msar oundhersosheknows
sheissafe.Whenwear ri
veatthepol i
cest at
ion,
Oyandisaisal r
eadywai ti
ngforus

Oya:mzal
a

Weshakehandsthenil
eavethem t
oappr oach
wher
eSimli
ndil
eandKamoar eseated.Iwrapmy
ar
msaroundherandshesighs

Me:ar
eyouOK?
I
'm whi
sper
inginherearandshenods.Sabel
oand
Oyandi
saapproachus

Oya:we'
vet
akenthest
atementandhewil
lst
ayi
n
cust
odyunt
ilhi
sbai
lappear
anceonFri
day
Si
mi:Fr
iday?Al
ready
Me:don'
twor
ry,
hewon'
tgetbai
l
Si
mi:youdon'
tknowthat
.Hei
sgoi
ngt
ocomeaf
ter
me.Thiswasamist
akeSambul
o
Me:noitwasn'
t.It
oldyout
otrustme.List
enKamo
i
sgoingtotakeyouhome.Ihavetotal
kto
Oyandi
sabutI'
llal
sobehomeinaf ewhours.

Shenodst
hengetsup,l
eavi
ngmewit
hmybr
other
andmycousi
ns.Oyandi
sausher
sust
ohi
sof
fice

Oya:ar
eyousur
eaboutt
his?
Me:Iwanthi
m deadbef
oremi
dni
ght
.makesur
eit
s
acl
eanjob
Oya:don'
twor
ry,ihavet
heperf
ectguyfort
hej
ob.
Hewillmakei
tlookli
keonebi
gaccident
Sabel
o:cal
lmewheni
tsdone.nothi
m.Hei
stoo
mushyatthemoment
,Idon'
ttr
usthi
m
Me:mxm f
ine.Idon'
tcar
ewhoyoucal
lbutNgcobo
needst
obedeadbyt omorr
ow

Byt heti
meigethome, iam beyondexhaust ed,
i
justwanttoshower ,eatandsl eep.Icanhear
l
aught erf
rom thekitchenandl oudgroansfrom t
he
l
ounge.mymom, si
sterandSi ml i
ndi
leareinthe
kit
chenwhi lemydad, brotherandoursonar einthe
l
ounge.Igr eeteveryonet henheadt omyr oom.Just
asIam aboutt owr apat owelar oundmybody,
there'
saknockont hedoor

Me:comei
n

Simli
ndilewalksin,t
hemomentsheseest
hatI
'
m
halfnaked,shelooksawayshyl
y
Si
mi:ohsor
ry,
Idi
dn'
tknowyouar
enotdr
essed
Me:i
tsf
ine.Comei
n.Iwasaboutt
otakeashower
Her
:longday?
Me:youhavenoi
dea

Shestart
spickingupmycl
othesfr
om t
hefl
oor
,
fol
dsthem beforeput
ti
ngt
hem i
nthel
aundr
y
basket

Me:t
hankyoubutyour
eal
lydon'
thavet
odot
hat
.I
wasgoi
ngtogett
oit
Her:l
iarandi
tst
heleastIcandoaft
ereveryt
hing
you'
vedoneforme.Ican'tt
hankyouenough
Me:youdon'thavet
of eel
asifyouoweme
somethi
ng.I'
m hel
pingyoubecauseIwantt
o.You
arenoti
ndebtedtome
Shenodst hensit
sont hebedwithherhead
l
ower ed.I
tsprobabl
ygoingtotakemeal i
fet
imet
o
getusedtohowbeaut i
fulshei
s.Shelooksli
kea
doll
.Aperfect
lysculpt
eddoll

Her
:canyour
eal
lypr
otectme?
Me:I
'
vedonewel
lsof
ar,
don'
tyout
hink?
Her:Iwanttodi
vorcehi
m butI
'
m scar
edhewi l
lki
ll
me.Theloveifel
tforhi
m hast
urnedt
ohate.Idon'
t
wanttosti
llbemarri
edtoamanIhateandfear
Me:whendoyouwantt ost
artpr
oceedi
ngs?Idon'
t
mi
ndrepresent
ingyou
Her
:assoonaspossi
ble

Myhear tisdoingcart
wheelsatthismomentbutI '
m
tr
yinghar dnottosmil
eandshowmyhappi ness
aboutthis.Alt
houghiknowhewi l
lbedeadinaf ew
Hours,I'
mj usthappythatSiml
indil
eistaki
ng
chargeofherl i
feandfreei
ngherselff
rom t
hat
asshole.
ICANSAVEMYSELF
*
15*
<Sabel
o>
Thecallweallhavebeenwai ti
ngf orcameat22: 53
anditf
oundmewi deawake.I t
snotl ikeicouldfall
asl
eepwi t
hwhatwehador chest r
ated.Eventhough
Ngcoboisorr atherwasadi ckhead, hewasst i
ll
someone'schild.Mybr ot
herandIar enotgangst ers
orpeoplethatalwaysgoar oundki ll
ingothersbut
whenourlovedonesar ethreatened, wedowhatwe
havetodot oprotectthem.Ispeakt oOyandi saf or
afewmi nutesbef or
eigetinmycaranddr ivefrom
myhouset othepol icest
ati
oni nPMB.Iwon' tcall
Sambulo,hecanf i
ndoutaboutt hisint hemorning

Oya:youcame?
Me:Ineedt
omakesur
e
Hi
m:f
oll
owme

Hel
eadsmet
othecel
lsandt
her
ehei
s,t
hroatsl
it
andbleedingontothecoldconcr
etefl
oor.A
photographeri
staki
ngpictur
esofhim whil
e
for
ensicspeoplearebusywithhi
sbody.WhenI
'
m
sat
isfi
edwi t
hwhatIsee,Iwalkout

Me:andt
heguy?
Him:don'
twor
ryabouthi
m.Hehasbeenpai
da
heft
yamountandhewon'tbeapr
obl
em
Me:ar
eyousur
e?
Hi
m:posi
ti
ve.It
rusthi
m.Thi
swasn'
thi
sfi
rstj
ob
f
orme
Me:al
ri
ght
.ThanksMzal
a.We'
l
lbei
ntouch

Itsover.Aftert
womont hs,thisdr amaisover.As
unnecessar yasitwas,itwasqui testr
essful
.Itr
ust
thatOyandisahast hisguyofhi sundercontrol
becauset helastthi
ngweneedi sanot
herperson
droppingdead.Insteadofdr i
vinghome, Idri
veto
Thandi'splace.Notforsex,Imi sshercompanyand
wear eduet ostartt
herapyinaweek.I '
m not
l
ookingforwardtoitandIwil
lski
pthoseindi
vidual
sessi
ons,Idon'tneedthem.Sheopensthedoorfor
mewhi l
ewear i
ngnot hi
ngbutpant
iesandanopen
si
lkgown

Me:youopent
hedoorl
iket
hisf
orever
yone

Shesmi l
es,
wrapsherarmsar oundmyneckand
hugsme.Eversinceshepr oposedusbeinga
couple,
shehasbeenallloveydovey.Huggingme
forl
engthyt
imes,wanti
ngt ocuddleandslow
bori
ngsex.honestl
yI'
m slowlygetti
ngboredwi
th
thi
s

Thandi
:onl
yifi
tsyou

Shesli
desherwar m handi nt
omysweat pant
sand
wrapsitaroundmymanhood.Thef eel
ingis
el
ectri
fyi
ngbutI'm notherefort
hat
.Myownhand
grabsherarm andpullsitout
Me:I'
m notint
hemoodf
ort
hat
.Ij
ustwantt
ohol
d
youandsleep

Shesmi l
es,l
ocksupandf ol
lowsmetoher
bedroom.Afterstri
ppi
ngandlef
twit
hjustmybri
efs,
igetinbed.Ipullhert
omychestandsheholdsme

Her
:wannat
alkabouti
t?
Me:goodni
ghtThandi

Shesighs, ki
ssesmybar echestt hendr awsslow
patter
nsoni twhichhel psmef al
lasleep.Idon't
knowwhatiwantwi t
ht hi
sgi r
lbutwhatidoknowi s
thatIdon'twanttit
lesorlabels.Ijustwantt hi
s,her
beingavailabl
etomef orwhat everIneedwhenever
Ineedit.YesI'm self
ish,getoveri t
.Inthemor ni
ng,
I'
m wokenupt hesmel lofbacon, icheckthetime
onmyphoneandi tsjustafter5am.IsendSambul o
atextbeforegetti
ngoutofbed
"
YOUARETAKI
NGYOURSONTOSCHOOLTODAY.
I
'
M SLEEPI
NGI
N"

Hecall
sasI'
m abouttowal
koutt
hedoor
.Whyi
she
evenawakeatt
histi
me?

Me:yawena
Sambul
o:don'
tyawenameaf
terdr
oppi
ngt
hat
bombonme
Me:it
snotabomb.Hehasuni
for
m att
hathouse
andhebasi
cal
lyl
ivest
her
enowsowhat'st
he
probl
em?
Hi
m:di
dyouhearf
rom Oyandi
sayet
?
Me:we'
llt
alkwhenwegettotheof
fice.Justmake
sur
eyourchil
dgetst
oschoolonti
me

Wehangupandiconti
nuewithmywal kt
othe
ki
tchenonl
ytof
indThandial
readydonewi
th
br
eakf
ast

Me:mor
ning
Thandi:whyar
eyououtofbed?Iwant
edt
o
surpr
iseyouwit
hbreakf
asti
nbed
Me:you'
venevermademebr
eakf
ast
Her:becauseI'
veonl
ywokenupi
nthesamehouse
asyout wi
ce.Fir
stt
imeyouhadmeforbr
eakf
ast

Weshar ealaughandisitdown.Thefoodisgood,
greati
nfact.t
heonlywomant hathasevercooked
formeismymot her
.Noteventhebabymamahas
evercookedforme

Her:I
'
mlooki
ngf orwar
dtot
her
apy.ir
eal
lyt
hinkwe
canbegoodtogether
.
Me:hmm
Sherai
sesaneyebr
owwhi l
est
ari
ngatme.Iputmy
for
kandknif
eonthetabl
eandrel
easeasi
gh

Me:canIbeHonest
?

Shenods

Me:t heonlyreasonI'm goi

ngtogototherapyi
sfor
youandbecausei twaspartofthedealwhen
Simlindi
lestayedhere.ThandiIl
iket
hingstheway
theyare,nodr ama,noexpectat
ionsandno
disappoi
ntment s.Idon'
tknowwhyyouwoul dwant
thattochange
Her
:becauseIt
hinkIl
oveyou

Mywhol ebodygoescol d.That'

sthelastthi
ngI'
m
expect
ingtohearfrom her.Sheknowst hatI
'm
i
ncapableofreci
procat
ingt hosefeel
ings
Me:youdon'
tmeant
hat
Her
:Ido.Youdeser
veloveSabel
o.Youareworthy
ofl
ovefr
om ot
herpeopleapar
tfr
om yourfami
ly.
Me:Thandist
op
Her:no.Youneedtohearthi
s.I'
m notgoi
ngto
r
ejectyouli
keyourmotherdid,
Iwon'twalkaway
f
rom you.Il
oveyou

Sheget
supandapproachesmeandwhenherar
ms
wrapar
oundme,
Itenseupandfreeze

Her:youcanpuni
shmeifyouwantbutit
snotgoi
ng
tochangemyfeel
ingsf
oryou.Il
oveyouSabel
o
Smith

Ipushheroff
,maybeali
tt
letoohardbecauseshe
l
andsont hef
loor
.I'
m morehurtt
hanIam angry

Me:I
'
m sor
ry,
Idi
dn'
tmeant
opushyou
Iextendmyhandtoherbutshedoesn'
ttakei
t.
Inst
eadshegetsuponherown

Me:I
'
m sor
ry
Her :I'
m notgoi
ngtowai tf
oreverforyouandIcan' t
forceyout ogethelpbutI '
m donebei ngyour
punchi ngbag.I'
m discoveri
ngmywor t
handyou
don' tt
reatmethewayIdeser vetobet reated.yesi
l
oveyoubutyoudon' tseethatandt hereisnothingi
candoabouti t
.youcanapol ogizeallyouwantbut
thatangerandhur tthatyouar ekeepingbot tl
edup
i
sst ar
tingt
ooverfl
ow
Me:don'
tpsychoanal
yzemeThandi

Shewalkst owar
dsme,I'
minjustmybr i
efsandshe
i
sinthatgownagainandjustpanti
es.Iwatchas
shepull
sdownmybr ief
sandgoesonherknees,
I'
m al
readyhardandt
hemomentsheput smei nher
mouth,Igroanli
keawil
danimal.Asmyeyesshut
andi all
owt hepl easuretotakeovermybody, i
tsas
i
fif eelmysoulf loati
ngaway.Shei sslowand
gent l
e, hert onguer ot
ati
ngar oundt hetipwhil
eher
handgent lymassagesmybal ls.whenIcanf eel
thatI'm aboutt oexplodeIhel pherupt henkissher,
atf i
rsttheki ssishar dandf astbutsomet hingin
mewant st ot rythisslowkissingandgent l
esex.
Thandii sn'tlikeSne, Iwanthert obehappy.Iwant
hert ost aywi thmeandasmuchasIam i ndenial
abouti t
,Iam wi ll
ingtodoanyt hingforheraslong
asshest ayswi thme.Ther obesl i
desoffherbody
asial sost epoutofmybr i
efst henipickherup,
bridal style.Shel aughsandsqueal s

Her
:whatar
eyoudoi
ng?
Me:I'
m goi
ngt
omakel
ovet
oyouandIcan'
tdot
hat
her
e

Iconti
nuekissingherslowl
yunti
lwereachthe
bedroom t
henIpl aceheronthebed.Mykisses
movet oherjawli
ne,downherneckunti
ligettoher
boobs.Herni pplesar er
ockhar d,beggingmet o
suckont hem andIdo.I tst hewayshemoansand
saysmyname, thewayherbodyqui versundermy
touchandt hewayi nwhichherwet nesshas
dampenherl acet hongt hathasmynet herregions
throbbi
ngandl eakingal
ready.Asigr azemyt eeth
onhercooki eoverherpant ies,
herhandgoesf or
myhead.Thi si saf ir
stf
orus, I
'
venevergonedown
onherdespi t
eherbeggi ngmenumer oust imes.I
usemyt eetht ogetr i
doft hesexywhi t
et hongt hen
blowwar m airintoherforbiddenf rui
tbefor e
devouringherasi fsheismyf i
rstmealaf ter
mont hsofst arvation.Myt onguef li
cksonherbud
thenent ersher ,aquickinandoutbef oresl owlicks
andsucksonherbud

Her:ohyesr
ightt
her
eSabel
o.That
'st
hespot
.Ahh
don'tst
op

Igoonuntilshecumsandherj uiceswashovermy
l
ips.imovemyki ssesupunt
ilireachherfacet
hen
kisshersoshecant ast
ehersel
f.Asikissher
slowly,I'
m alr
eadyrubbi
ngmysel fatheropeni
ng
theni entersl
owly.I
nchbyinch,hernail
sdiggi
ng
deepi ntomybackandherl egscrossedonmybut t
,
pushingmei n

Me:nor
ushi
ngt
oday

Itfeel
sdi f
ferent,mystrokesar esloweryetmy
whol ebodyisi gnit
ed.thereisnobar ri
erbetweenus,
ourbodi esarepr essedtogetherandicanf eelevery
Inchofher .Wecan' tgetanycl oserthanthis.Iput
herar msaboveherhead, lockingourf i
ngersasi
feelherwal l
st i
ghtenaroundme.Shei str
yingto
holditinbutI '
m alsoclose.Ili
ckherear ,pullonher
earlobethenwhi spertoher

Me:l
etgo.Cum wi
thme

Ii
ncr
easemypacej
ustabi
tthenwecum t
oget
her
.
Hermoani sthel oudestI
'veeverheardandI'
m sti
ll
thr
usti
ngandgr oaningasiempt ymyseedsi nher
.
Thekissiplaceonherf oreheadaf t
erwardsi
s
i
nvolunt
ari
ly.Itjustfel
tli
ketherightthi
ngtodo.As
myeyesopen, Inoti
cethatsheiscr yi
ngandIpanic

Me:Thandi

Sheshakesherhead

Me:what
'
swr
ong?
Her :nothing.Thatwasjust
..
.amazi
ng.Mybodyi s
sti
lltingl
ing.Isitsowrongformetofeelspeci
al
ri
ghtnow?

Iwi
thdrawmyselffr
om her
,walkouttot
he
bat
hroom andret
urnwit
hawett owel
.Iwipeher
bef
orewipingmyself
.Anot
herfi
rstf
ormebutr i
ght
nowI'
m onautopil
otmode.Justgoi
ngwiththefl
ow
ICANSAVEMYSELF
*
16*
<Si
mli
ndi
le>
It
s23h33whenmyphoner ingswakingmeupf rom
adeepsl eep.Thenumberbelongstoal andl
ineand
becauseiknownotal otofpeoplehavet hi
snumber ,
I'
l
ljustassumei t
soneofthoset el
ecommuni cat
ions
mar ket
ersbecausethosepeopledon'tsl
eep.It
stopsringi
ngonlytostar
tagain,fr
ustrat
ingmeout
ofmymi ndsoIanswer

Me:hel
lo
??
:hell
oma'
am,
am Ispeaki
ngt
oMr
sSi
mli
ndi
le
Ngcobo?
Me:yesyouar
e

Theannoyanceandirr
it
ati
onisevi
denti
nmyvoi
ce.
It
'salmostmi
dnightsoyoucan'
tbl
amemefor
beingrude
Him:ma' am youarespeakingtodetect
iveShabane
atthePietermari
tzburgpol
icestat
ion.I
'
m call
ing
youwithr egar
dst oyourhusband

Thefi
rstthoughtt
hatcomestomymi ndist hathe
hasescaped.Myhearthasjumpedtomyt hr oatand
i
sbeatingabnormall
yfast
.WhatdididotoGodf or
himtohatemet hi
smuch?Thel i
tt
lebitof
happi
nessI '
vehel
dont of
ordearli
feoverthepast
coupl
eofweeksi saboutt
obesnatchedfrom me

Hi
m:ma'
am ar
eyoust
il
lther
e?

Icl
earmyt
hroat

Me:yesI
'
m st
il
lher
e
Him:I
'
dli
keyout
ocomet
othest
ati
ont
omor
rowat
9am.
Me:i
sever
ythi
ngok?
Him:wewil
ldiscussever
ythingt
omor
row.make
sureyoubr
ingsomeonewi thyou

ThewayI '
mf r
eakingoutrightnow,
ther
eisnoway
I'
l
lbeabletogobackt osleepsoIgetoutofbed
andheaddownst air
s.AsipassSambulo'sroom,I
noti
cetheli
ghtsaresti
llonsoiknock

Sambul
o:comei
n

Iwalkintof i
ndhim onhi sbacklayingonat owel
doingsitups.Hei shalfnaked,abitsweatyand
reall
ysexyeveni fmymar r
iedselfsaysso.I'
ve
nevernoticedhisbodyunt i
ltoday,walki
nginon
him hal
fnakedt wiceisprobablywhathasf orced
met otakenotice.Hetakesonel ookatmeand
smiles

Hi
m:t
wicei
noneday?I
'
m al
uckymant
oday
Me:Ican'
tsl
eep

AsmuchasIwantt otel
lhim aboutthephonecall
fr
om hiscousi
n,I'
m star
ti
ngtof eelasifI'
m
dependi
ngonhi mforalotofthings.Hehasalready
donesomuchandal r
eadyIfeelasi fIowehi
m
morethanjustasimplethankyou

Hi
m:t
odaywasqui
tehect
icf
oryousoIunder
stand
Me:whyar
en'
tyousl
eepi
ng?
Hi
m:mymi ndiscl
oudedsoI'
m wor
kingoutwi
th
t
hehopeofti
ri
ngmyselfandsl
eepi
ng

Hei sonhisf eetnowstandi

nginfrontofmeand
j
ustst ar
ing.IshouldbeusedtohisstaresbutI'
m
not.It
snotsomucht hestar
esthatgettomebuti t
s
thewayhel ooksatme.Helooksatmel i
keI
'm
fragi
le
Me:I
'
m goi
ngt
omakehotchocol
ate,
wantsome?
Hi
m:yeah.Comebackherewithi
t,wecanwatcha
movi
eandhopeful
lygetsl
eepy.I
'
mj ustgoi
ngto
t
akeashowerfi
rst

Inodt henwal kout.Iknowiwon' tfallasl

eep,t
hat
cal
lfrom t hecopsisstil
lplayingi
nmyhead.I
wonderwhatt heproblem i
st hatt
heycan' tdi
scl
ose
i
tovert hephone.af t
ermaki nghotchocol at
eand
warmingupchocol atechipmuf fi
ns,imakemyway
upstai
r s.thesoundsoftheshowerr unningandhis
beauti
f ulvoicef
il
ltheroom.Iknowt hissong,i
t'
sa
LaurynHi llsong

Him:"you'
rejustt oogoodtobet rue.can'ttakemy
eyesoffyou.Ineedyoubabyandi fit
squi tealri
ghti
needyoubabyt owar mthelonelynights.Iloveyou
baby.Trusti
nmewhenisayi tsOK.Ohpr ett
ybaby,
don'
tletmedownipr ay,
ohprettybaby.Nowt hat
I'
vefoundyou, stayandletmel oveyou"
Hewal ksoutt heshowerst il
lsi
ngingthatsongbut
stopswhenheseesmeandsmi les.Theonlyti
me
hehaseverl ookedatmewi t
houtasmi l
eonhi s
faceist hedayhecamet othehospi t
altoserve
Sandile'ssummons.Ist i
llrememberhowSandi le
torethosepaper stoshredsandt hrewthem inthe
binasi ftheywer ewort
hlessbutt heangerwas
evidentonhi sface.

Me:pl
easedon'
tst
op

Hechuckl
es

Hi
m:youwantmet
osi
ngf
oryou?

Inodwi
thmyownsmi
leonmyf
ace

Hi
m:Iwi
ll
.Justnott
odaybutIpr
omi
seyouIwi
l
l
si
ngf
oryou
Heput sonsweatpant soverhi
sbriefs,
swi tchest
he
TVonandwegetont hebed.I'
m nervousf orsome
reason,I
'veneversharedabedwithanot herman
beforebutHeseemsr elaxed

Hi
m:whatdoyouwantt
owat
ch?
Me:MeBef
oreYou
Hi
m:j
ustdon'
tcr
y

IknowIwillbecauseasmuchasI '
vewat chedi t
befor
e,Ial
waysexpectadi ff
erentending.Ther eis
sil
encebet
weenusasweeatourmuf fi
ns, dri
nkour
hotchocol
ateandwat chtheemot i
onalmesst hatis
thi
smovie.Byt heti
meI'm doneeating,I'
verelaxed
abitandheisjustwatchi
ngt hemovi eintensely

Hi
m:youdone?
Me:yeah
Hi
m:comeher
e

Heisindi
cat
ingt
hatilaymyheadonhi schest
.I
don'
tthi
nkit
sappropr
iatesoij
ustshakemyhead

Him:Iwon'
ttr
yanyt
hing,Ipr
omise.Ij
ustwantyou
tobecomfort
abl
esothatyoucanbeabletofal
l
asl
eep.Ipr
omise
Me:pl
easedon'
ttr
yanyt
hing
Hi
m:I
'
mjustgoi
ngt
ohol
dyou

Islowl ymovecl osert ohim andlaymyheadonhi s

chestwi t
hhisarm ar oundme.Hei sr ubbingmy
back, slowlybutitfeelsniceandi tspr obabl
yhowi
fel
lasl eepbecauseIknowidi dn'
tfinishthemovie.
ThenextdaywhenIwakeup, heisn'tinbedand
thereisnoshowerr unning.Icheckt het i
meonhis
wat chandi ts6:
30am soigetup, makehi sbedt
hen
asI '
m aboutt owalkoutt omyownr oom, hewal
ks
i
nf ull
ydr essedinnavysl i
mf itpants,acr i
spwhi
te
shir
tandanavywai stcoat
.helooksgood,bet
ter
thangoodactual
ly.helookssexy.Thesi
gnature
smilet
opsoffhislook

Hi
m:goodmor
ning
Me:mor
ning.youl
etmesl
eepher
e
Hi
m:ithoughti
fiwokeyouup,
youwoul
dst
ruggl
e
t
ofal
lasleep
Me:oh.uhm canyouaskKamot otakemetothe
pol
icest
ati
on?Detect
iveShabanecall
edmelast
ni
ghtandheaskedmet ocomei n

Hissmil
edisappear
sandhefrowns.I'
mtryi
ngto
f
igureoutwhatthi
slookmeansbutican'
tputmy
f
ingeronit

Hi
m:I
'
llt
akeyoumysel
f
Me:ar
eyousur
e?Idon'
twantt
oinconveni
enceyou
Hi
m:youcoul
dneveri
nconveni
encemeSi
mli
ndi
le.
I'
m goi
ngtodr
opLwandi
sooffatschoolt
henwe
cangoaft
erdr
oppi
ngoffShakaandSomila
Me:al
ri
ght
.I'
l
lshoweri
nthemeant
ime

Iknowt hereisavi bebet weenSambul oandI ,i

ts
beent heresi ncet hefirstdayimethi m butIdon' t
wantt oexpl or eitwheni tcouldst i
llputhi sl i
fein
danger .I'
m al sonotr eadyf orar elati
onshi p,Iknow
howbr okenIam, Iknowt het r
usti ssuesIhaveand
Iknowt hehur tI
'vebeent hrough.Idon' twantt o
exploresomet hi
ngwhi leI '
m sti
llcarryingsomuch
baggage.Af termyshowerIputonbl ackj eanst hat
arerippedatt heknees, awhitet anktopanda
knit
tedcar digant hatcomesj ustbel owmybut t
.I
putonmykneehi ghboot s,ti
emyhor r
iblel ooking
hairinaponyt ai
lthenheaddownst air
s.inol onger
havescar stocoverupsoIhaven' twor nmakeupi n
awhi le.Downst airsIfi
ndSomi la,Shakaandt heir
mot her

Me:mor
ning
Gugu:mor
ningSi
mi,
youl
ookni
cet
hismor
ning
Me:t
hankyouma
Shaka:goi
ngsomewher
e?
Me:yesbuti
twi
llj
ustbef
oraf
ewhour
sthough
Gugu:breakf
asthasbeenpr
epar
edsohelp
your
selves.I
'
m goingbackt
obed.iwasj
ustupt
o
makeLwandi so'
slunch

Shewal kstowar dsthest

airs,leavi
ngmewi ththese
twobeaut if
ulsouls.Sambulor etur
nswhenwear e
donewi t heverythi
ngsowej ustgetinthecarand
driveoff.Wedr opthetwoatUKZNbef oredri
vingto
PMB.I tst enseinthecar,ikeeppr ayi
ngthatSandil
e
didn'tescapebecausei fhedi d,Imightaswelljust
signmysui cidenotetoday

Sambul
o:r
eady?

Ishr
ugmyshoul
der
sbutwhenwewal
kint
o
Detect
iveShabane'
sof
fi
ce,icanf
eelmysel
fget
ti
ng
di
zzyandmykneesget t
ingweaksoiqui
ckl
ysit
down

Shabane:mor
ningguys
Sambul
o:mor
ningmzal
a
Me:mor
ning
Shabane:thereisnoeasywayt osaythissoI'mjust
goingtocomeoutandsayi t
.Mr sNgcobo,l
ast
nightyourhusbandgoti ntoadisagr
eementwi th
oneofhi scell
mat esanditgotphysi
cal.I
'm sor
ryto
bet heonetotellyouthisbutyourhusbandwas
ki
lledherelastnight.wearegoingtoneedyout o
comei denti
fythebody

I
ttookmeagoodcoupl eofmi nutestofull
ygr asp
whatisbei
ngsaidtome.IknowSandi l
ehada
temper,
Ihavefir
sthandexperi
encewi thhisviolent
Behavi
ourbuthedidn'
tdeservetodie.Notlikethis.
Asthetear
srolldownmycheeks, IfeelSambul o's
arm aroundmyshoul dersandIal l
owhi mtohol d
me.I'veblamedmysel fforalotofthingsbutt hi
sis
notmyf ault
.Irefuseforthi
smant ost il
lmakeme
carr
yhi sguiltevenwhenhei sdead.Hewasmy
husband, wewer emar ri
edfor5year sandwe' ve
beent ogetherfor8years.Myt ear
sar ejust
if
iedbut
hedidt histohimself.Thattemperofhi sfi
nallytook
hisl
ifeinsteadofmi ne.LordIam gr atef
ul.
ICANSAVEMYSELF
*
17*
<Sambul
o>
ThedaySi mlindilelef
tt obewi t
hherhusband' s
famil
ydur i
ngt heirdif
ficultt
ime,apar tofmef elt
l
ikeithadleftwithher .I'
vegottenusedt oseeing
hereverydayandiknowwhenever ythingset t
les
down, shewillwantt omoveoutofher eandf i
ndher
ownpl ace.I
'm notlooki ngforwardtot hat,Il
ove
havi
ngherar oundher e.It
saSat urdayt odaysoI '
m
j
ustlazingaroundt hehouse.TheTVi spl ayi
ngbut
I'
m notevenwat chi
ngi t
Dad:heyindodawhenar
eyoumovi
ngout
?

Isituponthecouch,t
urnmywholebodyt olookat
him.Whatisgoingonwitht
hismantoday?He
knowshecan'tkickmeout,
mamawi lldealwith
him ni
cel
y

Him:don'
tlookatmel
iket
hat
,Iaskedyoua
quest
ion
Me:andazt
ata,
Ihaven'
tthoughtaboutt
hatand
besi
desmamaloveshavingmear ound
Hi
m:wellst
artt
hinki
ngabouti
tandIknowyou
ki
ll
edt
hatgir
l'
shusband.Whatt
hehelli
swrong
wit
hyou?

Ohboy.Herei
tcomes.Maybeir eall
yshouldlook
i
ntomovingoutj
usttoescapetheselif
elessons
fr
om mydad.Hethinkstheyarewisewordsbut
t
heynevermakesense.bythetimehei sdone
t
alki
ng,youar
elef
tmor econfusedthanyouwer e
whenhest
art
ed

Me:Idon'
tknowwhatyouar
etal
kingabout
Him:don'tpi
ssmeof fSambul
o.Iwil
lfuckyouup.
Ki
ll
ingthatgir
l'
shusbandwon'
tmakeherl oveyou
soidon'tknowwhatyouweretryi
ngtoprove
Me:idi
dn'
tki
llanyone'
shusbandbutI
'
m notsad
t
hatthemanisdead
Hi
m:youknowwhenImetyourmama,
shewas
wi
thsomeoneel
se

Mamawal ksi
njustashesayst his.Shesit
snextto
him andhekissesher.I'm nottalkingaboutapeck
onthelipshere,I
'
mt alkingabouta' Iwantt
otake
youtobedr i
ghtnow' kindofkiss.r eall
ymyparent
s
arequit
einappropri
ate

Me:I
'
mleavi
ng
Dad:nosi
tdown.Iwantt
oeducat
eyouonhowt
o
winawomanover.Yourmot
herwaswithsome
l
ousyandpoorguywhenImetherandshethought
shewashappy
mom:excuseme,
Iwashappy

Mydadchuckl
es,
tur
nstohi
swi
feandl
ooksather
wi
thoneeyebr
owrai
sed

Mom:what
?Iwashappy
Dad:yousleptwi
thmeaweekbef
oreyourl
obol
a
negoti
ati
ons
Me:wowmama,
Iwi
llneverl
ookatyout
hesame

Mymot herbl
ushesandbur
iesherf
aceinmydad's
neck.Heeeht
hesetwohavequit
eastor
yitel
lyou

Dad:shecoul
dn'
tresi
stme.Iwasqui
tet
hehunk
backinmytime
Mom:youst
il
lar
est
handwasami
Dad:enkosinanazi

Theystar
tki
ssi
ngagai
nunt
ilit
hrowascat
ter
cushi
onatthem

Me:canwenotl
osef
ocuspl
ease?Thankyou
Dad:poi
ntis,
sheevent
uall
yendedupwi thme
wit
houtmehavingtoki
llanyonebecauseweare
dest
inedtobetoget
her

Mymot herqui
cklyr
emovesherheadf
rom mydad'
s
shoul
derandlooksatmewit
hfrownedeyebr
ows

Mom:Sambul
oyouar
eki
ll
ingagai
n?

Il
augh.it
saseriousquest
ionbutthemannerin
whichsheisaskingi
tiswhatget
smel aughi
ng.As
i
fI '
m ar ecover
ingkil
lerthatjustrelapsed.I
t snot
l
iket hat.Sabel
oandIhaveki ll
edsomeonebef or
e,
justoneper sonanditwasn' tjustforthefunofi t
.
i
t '
saguySabel oputi njailwhilehewasst i
lla
prosecut or
.Hisfri
endsont heout sidewer e
threateningourfamil
y, t
heymuggedandal most
kidnappedSomi l
asowedeal twitht heguyandhi s
gang.Whenourl ovedonesar ethreatened,wegot o
greatlengthstoelimi
nat ethethreat.

Me:nomamaandt at
atheguymamawaswi th
bef
oreyouwasn' tbeat
ingher
.Simli
ndil
ewasn' t
goi
ngt ostartherli
fewhil
ethatguywasst i
llal
ive.I
di
dn'tdothisformyownsel fi
shreasons.Ididitfor
her
Mom:j ustmakesurethatsheneverfindsoutthat
youwer einvol
ved.I
twillchangeever
ything
betweenyouguys.Itsthekindofsecretyoutaket
o
thegrave

Inod.Shei
sri
ghtaboutt
hat
.Si
mli
ndi
lei
sver
y
sensi
ti
ve,sheisthesamewomant hatki
ckedme
outofherroom att
hehospi
talbecauseIhadcal
led
her.
*
Itsbeenamont hsinceNgcobodi ed,Simlindi
leis
backt ot eachingattheschoolandj ustasIhad
expect ed,shemovedoutf rom mypar entshouse
twoweeksago.FornowsheSt ayswi t
hhermot her
andhersi ster.I
'
mt ryi
ngver yhar dnott ofeel
rejectedbyherr i
ghtnowbuti t
snoteasy.I naway
I'
m expect inghert oseemyl ovef orherthrought he
actionsandnothavi ngt otellher .Itscrazybutdon't
theysayact ionsspeakl oudert hanwor ds?Today
I'
m atcour tfort
hewhol edaywi thKamo, thekidis
slowlyt ougheningup.Theonet hingmydadt aught
mei st hatIshoul dalwayssur roundmysel fwith
peopl eicanl earnsomet hingf rom andpeopl ethat
canl earnsomet hi
ngf r
om me.That '
swhyKamoi s
stil
laround, heislearningthi ngsf rom me

Kamo:si
risn'
tthatMr
sSi
mli
ndi
le?
Iturnaroundanditi
sher,sheisinbl
ackclothing
fr
om topt obot
tom,accompaniedbythreemal es.I
haven'tseenhersi
nceshemovedoutsoasshe
approachesus,myeyesar el
ockedonherandt he
smilethatonl
yshecanebr i
ngtomyf aceisslowly
creepi
ngon

Si
mi:hel
loSambul
o.HeyKamo

Kamosmi
lesandwaves

Me:heyst
ranger
.Howar
eyou?

Ireachforahugbutoneoft heguyssheiswit
h
quickl
yblocksme,leavi
ngmeconf usedand
annoyed.Simli
ndi
leprobabl
yreadsmyexpression
becauseshestart
sexplaini
ng
Her
:Ihaven'
tbeencleansedyetsoI
'
m notal
lowed
t
obeincontactwit
hanot herman
Me:oh.Whenyouhavebeencl
eansed,
dogi
vemea
cal
l

Shesmi les,nodsandwal ksaway.Idon' tknowhow

muchl ongerIwi l
lbeablet okeepmyf eelingsf or
herhidden.Theygr owst rongerever yt
imeIseeher .
Ijustwanthert obemi nebecausesl owlyI '
m
start
ingtof eelasifIcan'tlivewi t
houther .When
courtadjournsf ortheday, Idrivestrai
ghthome.I
j
ustwantt obeal onerightnow.Il ockmysel finmy
room, pl
ugi nmyheadset sandl i
stentomusi cwith
myeyescl ose.Ijustwantt odrif
tawayt oapl ace
wher enothingbutmusi cmat ters.Weal lhaveour
ownwayst oescapeourpr oblems.Istil
lremember
beingdiagnosedwi thdepr essionat16year sold
andsexualaddi cti
onat18year sold.SomehowIst il
l
beli
evemysexualaddi cti
onwasaphase, Iusedsex
tocopewi thmyl ackofemot i
onalintel
li
gence.Il i
ke
ahappyenvi ronmentandIdoj ustaboutanyt hing
tokeept hatkindofenvi ronmentandmostoft he
ti
mesi tmeanssacr i
fi
cingmyownf eeli
ngsand
emot ions.Idon'tshowmysadnessormyhur tin
publ ic,idratherbehappyar oundpeopl eandt hen
l
at erl ockmysel finmyr oom andcr yinthedar k.
RightnowI '
mf eelingeverybot t
leemot i
oncomi ng
crashi ngdownonme.Myeyesar eclosedbuti t
sas
i
fI '
m wat chingamovi eofeverythingthathast aken
placei nthepast10weeks.Fr om myownacci dent,
tot het hingsIfoundoutaboutSi ml i
ndil
eand
ever ythinginbet ween.I'm drowninginapoolof
emot ionstodayandIguessj ustthesightof
Siml indileandnotbei ngabl etohol dheriswhat
tr
igger edallofthis.Idon'tknowwhenif ellasleep
butmyphonei sringingrightnow, wakingmeup.
It
sj ustaf ter10pm sowhyi sKuhl ecalli
ngme?

Me:sho
Kuhl
e:uphi
?
Me:I
'
minbedsl
eepi
ngbr
uh.what
'sup?
Hi
m:onaFridayni
ght,
ulel
ewena?Hayindodavuka,
si
phakwaMax.Zwakal
aboy
Me:I
'
mti
redbr
uh
Him:selai
Redbul
luzwakal
a.Ever
yonei
sher
e
exceptyou
Me:whoi
sever
yone?

Kuhlei
st heki
ndofguythatdoesn'
ttakenof oran
answer.Hecanjustshowuphereandphysi call
y
dragmet owheretheyar
esoitsbestngizi
vukele
ngokwami

Hi
m:yourbrother
s,mybrother
,thewhit
eboys,
my
si
sterandherwhi
tefr
iend,
Thandi,Zen,
Zahand
Maya
Me:ni
phuzaneynganemosKuhl
e.Zeni
sa
t
eenager
Hi
m:yi
Cher
ryyent
wanayakhonj
ena
Me:what
?Youknowwhat
,I'
m comi
ng

It
akemyanxi
etypi
ll
s,f
reshenupandheadout
.I'
m
compl etel
yoffmedi cationbutt herear
edayslike
todaywhenist rugglet ocont rolmyemotionsand
theref
or ethepi
ll
scomei nhandy.WhenIgett o
KwaMax, Ispotthem instantly.theyar
ethebiggest
group.Af t
erhuggingt hegirls,Iorderabott
leof
Johnni eWalkerBlackl abelandst il
lwat
erfor
myself

Me:Ican'
tbel
ieveIwaswokenupt
obuymyown
dr
inks
Nt
ando:whohadpr
omi
sedt
obeyourbl
esser
?
Me:i
ntwanayakho
Kuhl
e:don'
tli
e.Ican'
tbel
ieveyouwer
esl
eepi
ngon
aFri
daynight
.

Becauseihadmi ssedsupper,
myst omachisnow
growli
ngsoIor derwingsandchi
ps.Whenmyf ood
ar
r i
ves,ever
yonedigsinsoIhavetoorderanot
her
pl
atter
Me:whydoesi
tfeel
li
keI
'
mthebl
essert
oni
ght
?
Maya:yourf
eel
ingsar
espotonbr
other
.Sospoton

Thisisagr eatwaytounwi ndandt

akemymindof
f
things.Goodf ood,
greatcompanyandl
otsof
alcohol

Kuhl
e:t
hel
'ut
shwal
asphuzeman
ICANSAVEMYSELF
*
18*
<Sabel
o>
Todayi sourf i
rstt
herapysessi ont ogetherandI 'm
nervous.Overt hepastmont hIguesst hingshave
changedbet weenusbutsof aritsbeensl ow
changes.Fr om thewaywehavesext othei ncr
ease
i
nsl eepovers.Shest i
lltel
lsmeever ydayt hatshe
l
ovesmebutIcan' tbringmysel ftosayi tback
becauseIdon' twantt oacknowl edget hatwhatI
feelislove.It
sdiff
erentf r
om anyt hingI'veeverfelt
towar dsanotherpersonbutt hatdoesn' tguar antee
t
hati
tsl
ove

Me:what
'
sthi
slady'
snameagai
n?
Thandi
:Amel
ia

Inod.Weareinthewai
ti
ngarea,myfooti
s
repeat
edl
ytappi
ngonthefl
oor.I
'
mt r
yingtocal
m
downandit'
snotworki
ng

Her:shei
snice.Itwon'
tfeell
ikether
apybutmor
e
ofaconversat
ion.Myindivi
dualsessi
onswit
hher
havebeengoingamazingly
Me:OK

Afewmi nutesl
aterwearecalledin,myeyes
wonderaroundthewholeroom.I nawayI '
mtrying
tofamil
iar
izemyselfwi
ththesesur r
oundi
ngs.IfI'
m
goi
ngt ogobareinthi
sroom, Ineedtofeelasense
ofsafet
yandwar mth.
Thandi
:Amel
ia,
thi
sist
heguyIt
oldyouabout
.
Sabel
oSmit
h.Sabel
o,t
hisi
sAmeli
a

Inod,
ext
endmyhandforahandshakebutj
ustl
ike
99%ofal
lwomenonthepl
anet,shei
sahugger

Amel
ia:i
tsgr
eatt
ofi
nal
lymeetyouSabel
o

Sheissmi li
ngandI '
m sureI '
m comingacrossas
themostr udepersonont hepl anetbutIdon'
tgo
aroundsmi l
ingfornor eason.Thandiandisitona
twoseatercouchwhi leshesi t
sonaoneseat er
withhervoicerecorderont hetableandanotepad
andpeni nherhand.St andardt her
apysetup

Amel
ia:shal
lwebegi
n?

Thandil
ooksatmeandinodt
henshedoest
he
same

Amelia:sincethisi
saj
ointcouplesessi
on,iwon'
t
focussomuchonyouguysi ndivi
duall
ybutrat
her
onyourr elat
ionshi
p

Thatwordmakesmetenseupbutitr
ynott
omake
i
ttooobvioust
hatI
'
m uncomfor
tabl
ewit
hthet
erm

Ameli
a:sohowdidyouguysmeet
,howdi
dthi
s
t
hingbetweenyoust
artof
f?
Thandi :Wemett hr oughMaya, sheisaf r
iendof
minef rom varsityandherdadi smar ri
edto
Sabelo'soldersi st er.Mayahadi nvitedmet ooneof
theirusualchillsessi onswhichwasabr aaithatday
atherboyf ri
end' shouse.Sabel owast heguywi t
h
thebadboyat titude, dr
inki
ngwhi skeywhi le
everyonedr ankbeerandwasn' tint
er est
edi nallthe
girl
sthatwer et hr owi ngthemselvesathi m
Ishiftuncomf ort
ablyasirecal
ltheeventsoft hat
day.Ididn'twanttobeatLuke'shousebecauseof
allthekidsthere.ThandiandMayawer estil
lin
varsity,
3yearsagoandMayahadi nvit
edher
fri
ends.Iwas25att hetime,st
il
lwor ki
ngasa
prosecutorandThandiwas21.Shekeptl ookingat
meandbecauseshei sexcepti
onallygorgeous, i
t
feltli
keacompl imenttome

Thandi:Iwasst i
llsleepingar oundatt hetimebuti
hadonl ybeenwi thvar si
tyguys.Icoul dn'tsust
aina
rel
ati
onshi pbecauset her ear eelement sineeded
thatmyboyf ri
endscoul dn'tgiveme.Nowher ewas
thi
sguy, clearlyoldert hanmeandIwant edt otake
himf oraspi n.myeyesf ollowedhi severymove
thatnight ,
iwaspr eyingonhi m andt hemomenti
sawhi m di sappeardownt hepassageif oll
owed
him.wedi dn'tspeak, ourbodi esdidt hetalki
ngf or
us.HegavemewantIneeded, hewor kedmybody
thewayi twant edt obewor ked.Hewasr ough,
controll
ingandpossessi vebuti nsteadoft hat
hurti
ngmeordegr adingme, itf
ueledme, itt
ook
awayt
heitchandf
ort
hef
ir
stt
ime,
Ifel
tsat
isf
iedi
n
mysexli
fe

Ichuckl
esof
tl
yandAmel
iat
urnst
olookatme

Amel
ia:Sabel
o?
Me:heari
ngherdescr i
bet hi
smakesmer eal
izehow
toxi
cwear etogether.Weenj oythingsthatmost
peoplewouldconsi derabusive.Therewasat i
me
shesprai
nedawr istduri
ngsex, anothert
imei
pull
edoffherbraidsbecauseIhel dherhai rt
oo
ti
ghtandthetimeIl eftherwithbruisesbecausei
hadgonetoof ar.Thisthingbetweenusi snot
normal
Amel
ia:t
hefactt
hatyouacknowl
edget
hatmeans
st
eponewil
lbeabreeze

Ishakemyheadandshel ooksatmewi t
h
confusi
on.Shewon'
tUnderstandt
hiseveni
fIt
ell
herbutyouknowwhat,l
etmehumourher
Me:Thandiwant st hi
ngsIcan'
tgiveher.Shewant s
arelati
onship.I
'm notcapabl
eofbeingina
rel
ationshi
pwi t
hsomeone.Ial r
eadyfeelli
kecrap
becauseshesaysshel ovesmeandican' tsayit
back
Amelia:andwhycan'
tyousayi
tback?Isitbecause
youdon'tloveher
?Sabel
oever
yoneiscapableof
l
ovingsomeoneandeveryonei
sdeservi
ngofl ove
Me:notme
Thandi:hedoesn'tbelievemewhenisayIl ovehi
m,
that'
swhyhewon' tsayi tback.Hetensesupever
y
ti
meisayi tbutifeelhisl oveformeeveryti
mehe
makesl ovetome.Thel oveistherebutheis
shiel
dingit
,ijustdon'tknowwhy

Youknow30mi nut
esisnothi
ngwheni tendswhil
e
somanyt hi
ngsar ehangingi
ntheair.NowIhavet o
comebackf oranothersessi
onbecauseAmel i
a
bel
ieveswestil
lhaveal ongwaytogo.Ideci deto
makeanappoi ntmentformyowni ndividual
sessions.Maybei fiseeheral one, I
'l
lbe
comf ort
ableenought otellherthatI'm avoidinga
rel
ationshipoutoff ear.I'
m scar edthati fwetake
awayt hecr azyandwi ldsex, mypossessi veness
andcont rol,Thandiwi llseethatIai n'
tshi tandfind
someoneel se.Themomentsheget sr i
doft he
fuckedupi ssues, shewi l
lreal
izet hatshedeser ves
somuchmor ethanani ggawi thgooddi ckand
wherewi l
lthatleaveme?Outi nt hecoldbecause
sheissl owlybreaki ngdownt hewal l
sI'vebuilt
aroundmyhear t.Ihadsexwi thherwi t
houta
condom, i
twasonceandasr i
skyasi twas, bei
ng
thatinti
mat ewithherchangedever ythi
ngf orme

Thandi
:sohowwasi
t?

Wear edri
vingtoherhouse,t
hepl anistodr
opher
offsoIcanf et
chmysonf rom schoolandspend
ti
mewi t
hhim

Me:i
twasok.Amel
iai
sni
ce
Her
:youwer
etensedt
hough
Me:pr
obabl
ybecausei
twasmyf
ir
stt
ime
Her:yeahprobabl
y.I
tgetsbet
terwi
thti
me.I'
m
havinglunchwit
hSimitomorr
ow.Welll
unchanda
spaday

Changeofsubject
,Iappreci
atet
hat.Simli
ndil
ehas
beenasubjectmybrotherhasbeenavoidingli
ke
crazyandjudgi
ngbytheabsenceoft heannoying
smile,
thi
ngsarenotgoingashehadhopedt hey
wouldgo

Me:ni
ziChomingoku?

Shel
aughs

Her:yes.Wedidlivetoget
herfort
woweekssowe
t
alked.It
sthefir
sttimeshewi l
lbegoi
ngoutaf
ter
r
emovi ngthosegrievi
ngclot
hes.
Me:wel
lhavef
un
Her
:don'
tsul
k,I
'
llseeyouaswel
l
Me:I'
m notsul
king.I
'
m goingtobespendi
ngt
he
weekendwithLwandisoanyway.I
'
vebeen
negl
ecti
ngmychi l
d
Her
:yeahyouhave

Igi
vehert
hesi
deeyeandshestar
tsl
aughi
ng
whi
chforsomereasonmakesmesmi
le

Her:what?Sabel
oissmi
li
ng.Thi
sisarareoccasi
on.
i
tslikecrossi
ngpat
hswi
thadinosauri
nthe21st
century
Me:youhavesuchawei
rdl
augh.I
tscut
eact
ual
ly

Shest
art
sbl
ushi
ng

Her
:sowhyar
eyousmi
li
ng?
Me:becauseyouhaveacut
elaugh
Her
:that
'
ssost
upi
d

Wheniparkout sideherhouse,iswi
tchoffmy
engineandstareather.NotcrazySambulokindof
star
esbutIjustlookather.Awomant hisbeauti
ful
can'
tbeinlovewi thme,itmakesnosense

Her
:what
'swr
ong?
Me:not
hing.Havedi
nnerwi
thmet
omor
row
Her
:andLwandi
so?
Me:hi
sot
herdadwi
llwat
chhi
m
Her:OKthenandSabel
oIr
eal
lyappr
eci
ateyour
ef
forts
Me:theleastIcandoismeetyouhalf
way.You
thi
nkihaveahol donyouyetyouhavenoideahow
muchofahol dyouhaveonme.Youdeser vemore
thanjustabrokenmanli
kemewhocan' tevent
ell
youthathelovesyou
Weshar
eahugandashor
tki
ssbef
oresheget
sout
t
hecar

Her
:Il
oveyou

Shecl osesthedoorandwal ksaway.Iwatchher

untilsheisinsidethehouset henidri
veoff
.Its
almost2pm anywaysoimi ghtaswellgofetchmy
boy.I'm makingsomanymi stakeswi
ththi
s
fatherhoodthing.Latel
yI'vebeenputti
ngeveryt
hing
andever yonebef or
ehim andiwantt omakeupf or
that.Iseehim approachingthecarsoiunlockthe
backseatandheget sin

Lwandi
so:hel
lot
ata
Me:heychamp.Ugr
and?
Hi
m:yep.yougood?
Me:I
'
m awesomemyguy.TodayI
'
m yourchauf
fer
andMywal
leti
satyourdi
sposal
.Anywher
eyou
wantt
ogo,
I'
llt
akeyou

Hi
m:r
eall
y?Awesome.Canwegot
othebeachand
t
hent
othecasi
noandsteer
s
Me:casi
no?Youar
etooyoungf
ort
hat
Him:therei
sakidssidekaloktat
a.Iwentther
elast
weekendnoTataanditwassomuchf un.Weshould
go.You'l
lhavef
un,ipromiseyou.
ICANSAVEMYSELF
*
19*
<Si
mli
ndi
le>
Iwishicoul dsaymyl i
fegoteasi eraftermyabuser
waskilledbutitdidn't
.Itsasi fhisfamilyhast aken
overfrom whereSandi leleftoff.Al
thought heir
abusei sn'
tphysical,i
tsasbadast heabuseIhad
enduredi nmymar ri
age.Thedayibumpedi nto
Sambul oincourtIwaswi thSandi l
e'sfatherandhi s
brot
her .Theyhavebeenonmycaseabouthi swill
si
ncet hedayIbur iedmyhusband.Ij ustwantt his
moneyt ober el
easedsot hatIcanleavethatfamil
y
forgood.Myl if
eneedst omoveon.I t
sSat ur
day
todayandI '
m meet i
ngupwi thThandiforl
unchand
aspadat e.Usithandil
eandJessi caarejoini
ngus
too.I'
m sohappyt hatidon'thavetogoar ound
wearingallt
hosebl ackcl ot
hesanymor e.I
twas
getti
ngdepressingr eal
ly.Sliwal
ksintomyr oom as
I'
m getti
ngready

Me:andt
hen?What
'swi
tht
hel
ook?
Sl
i:andwher
ear
eyougoi
ng?
Me:I
'
m meet
ingupwi
thaf
ri
endf
orl
unch

Sher
aisesoneeyebrowandthel
ookshei
sgi
ving
meri
ghtnowisjustconf
usi
ng

Her
:doest
hisf
ri
endhappent
obeSambul
oSmi
th
Me:no!Ofcour
senot
Her
:whynot
?Youknowt
heguyi
scr
azyaboutyou
Me:Idon'
tknowt
hatandevenifido,
ijustbur
ied
myhusbandamonthago.I
tstoosoon
Her
:mxm samehusbandyouwereabouttodi
vor
ce?
I
tsnotl
ikeyouwer
esti
lli
nlovewi
ththeguy

Idon'
texpecthertounderstand,sheneverl i
ked
Sandil
ebutIlovedhim atsomepoi ntandeven
whenhediedist i
lll
ovedhim butIwasnol ongeri
n
l
ovewi t
hhim.Butmyl i
fei
saj oke,I'
m alr
eadya
widowat26andI 'm st
il
li
nglivingathome.I t
sasif
Sandil
eknewt hathewasgoi ngt odi
eandhe
wantedtoleavemewi thnothing,notevenar oof
overmyhead

Her
:justgi
vet
heguyachance
Me:I'
m notr eadySli
.Hei sgreatbutIwon'tbet he
ki
ndofwomanhewant s.RightnowI'm sti
llbei
ng
sel
fi
shwi t
hmysel f
.I'
mr ebuil
dingmysel f
confi
dence,I'mfindi
ngmysel fandlearningtolove
myselfagain.Youknowhowt heysayyoucan' t
pourfrom anempt ycup
Sher oll
shereyesandist artlaughi
ng.Wear e
sl
owl ybui ldingourrelati
onshipagain, wetalkabout
everythingandshei smypi l
larthr
oughal lthe
dramaI 'vehadt ofacewi t
hSandi l
e'sfamily.Aft
er
getti
ngdr essed, Icombmyshor thair
,yesif i
nall
y
gotar oundt ocutt
ingitandshor therlooksgoodon
me.Whent hecabdr opsmeof fatThandi'shouse,
myt wof r
iendsar ealreadytheresippingon
alcoholicbever ages

Jess:Si
mi

Shejumpsuptohugme.Thisoneal
readyl
ooks
andsoundsdr
unk.Ial
sohugUsit
handil
eand
Thandit
henThandigi
vesmeaglass

Me:what
'
sinher
e?
Usi
:champagnedar
li
ng
Me:al
cohol
ics
Jess:i
fwedon'
tdr
inkandhavesext
henwhatar
e
welivi
ngf
or?

Jessicai salottodealwi thbutsuchabur stof

freshener gy.Il
oveher .Wel eaveforthespai n
Thandi '
swr anglerandt hemusi cwear ebumpi ngi
s
amazi ng.Thatf eelgoodtypeofmusi c.I'vemi ssed
this,
bei ngablet obefreeandgooutwi thout
l
ookingovermyshoul der.It
'sactual
lyqui t
e
l
iberatingandr efreshi
ng.West ar
tbyhavi nglunch

Usi
:soimetsomeonebutyhoguyshei
sol
dhey
Me:howol
disol
d?
Usi
:heis42andhei smarr
ied.Bef
oreyouj
udgeme,
youhavetounder
standt
hathei sf
lames
Jess:t
hat'
s12yearsol
derthanyou.Ar
eyouinsane?
Andhei smar
ried?HayibabeIdonotsuppor
tthi
s
Usi
:thi
ngisIdon'tneedyout
osuppor
tit
.I'
mjust
t
ell
ingyoubecauseyouaremyfri
end
Usithandil
edoesn'tcar
eaboutalotofthings,
she
fol
lowsherhear tnomat t
erwherei
tleadsherand
whati tdest
roysalongtheway.Sheisstubbornt
oo
sotalkingheroutofhercrazydeci
sionsisawaste
oftime

Me:soar
eyoui
nar
elat
ionshi
porj
ustf
ool
ing
ar
ound?
Usi:fornowI'
mj ustenjoyi
ngthathespoilsme.The
guyhasmoneyt oblowandI '
m gladtoj
ustbe
receivi
ngit
.I'
m seei
nghi mtonightandIthink
tonightwil
lbethenightthecookiei
sserved
Thandi:j
ustbecar
efulUsi
thandi
le.thef
actt
hathe
i
swi t
hyoumeanst herearetr
oublesathomebutat
theendofthedayhestil
lhasaWi feandki
dsthat
hewillal
waysgohomet oo

Thandihasbeenqui
etandI'
m gl
adthi
scomesfr
om
herbutUsit
handi
lej
ustr
oll
shereyes,
eat
sherf
ood
anddrinksherwi
ne
Usi:yhoguysyour eall
yknowhowt ojustmesswi t
h
agirl'
smood.Itsjustinnocentf
un,I'
m noti nl
ove
withtheguy.Ikeepseei ngPauleverywhereIgo
andi needadistr
action.Ift
hedistr
actioncomesin
theform ofmarri
edmant hatwantstot hr
owmoney
atmet hensobei t

PaulisUsithandil
e'
sex,shewassoi nl ovewi thher
thatshedidn'tseewhenthelovebecameonesi ded.
Whenheevent ual
lyl
efther
,thebreakupl efther
shatter
edandwhatmademat t
erswor seist hathe
l
eftherfora20yearold.Eversincethatbr eakup,i
t'
s
beenalcoholandmeani ngl
esssexf ormydear
fri
end

Thandi
:onamorel
i
ght
ernot
e,hasanyoneseen
Sambulol
atel
y?
Me:howi
sthatal
ight
ernot
e?
Thandi
:ever
ythi
ngi
sli
ghtaboutSambul
oexcept
hisf
eel
ingsf
oryoubutwe'
l
lal
ljustactbl
indt
othat
l
ikeyoudoSimi
Me:wow.Thatescalat
edratherf
ast.Isawhi
mlast
weekFr
idayi
ncour tsobestbeli
evethathei
sal
ive

Itakeasi pofmywineandfocusonmyf ood.byt he

ti
mewegett oourmassages,weareallt
ipsyexcept
forJessicawhoisful
lbl
owndr unk.Thedayturns
outt obeamazing,
agreatcat
chupsessi onand
drinkinggal
ore

Thandi
:ij
ustt
ext
edSabel
otocomepi
ckusup,
I'
m
notget
ti
ngbehi
ndthewheel
Me:what
'
shappeni
ngbet
weenyouguys?
Usi
:I'
dal
soli
ketoknow.Sabel
oissodar
kand
t
wist
ed,i
t'
sscar
y
Thandi:askmet
hatquesti
onagainin6monthsand
I
'l
lhaveananswerforyou.Ri
ghtnowwear esti
ll
worki
ngonoursel
ves.SimiIshouldgi
veyou
Amelia'
snumber,
sheisami racl
eworker
Me:Amel
ia?
Thandi
:yes.Myt
her
api
st

Slihasbeensayingt hatineedt otal

kt osomeone
abouteveryt
hingI'
vebeent hroughbutI '
vejustbeen
putti
ngitoff
.I'
vebeenqui teover whelmedlately.
Sabeloshowsupwi thSambul oandIthinkmyl egs
startf
ail
ingmet hemomentIl ockeyeswi thhim.He
i
swear ingdarkinkjeans,awhi t
eT-shir
tandabl ack
j
acketandbl acksneakers.ItsJunenowsoi t
scol d
buthelookssexy

Sabel
o:musthavebeenni
cei
fyouar
esodr
unk
Usi
:rel
axmzal
a,l
ight
enup
Jess:f
orther
ecordIjustwantt
osayIsti
llt
hinkyou
twoareunbel
ievabl
ysexyandmyster
iousandso
yummy

Sambul
ost
art
slaughi
ngwhi
leshaki
nghi
shead
Sambulo:youguysevengotthewhit
egir
ldrunk?
NiWrongguys.I
'm notdr
ivi
ngherhome,t
hecops
mightst
opmet hinki
ngIdruggedandki
dnapped
her
Jess:youcandr
ugandki
dnapmeanyday.You
havemyconsent

Att hispoi
ntI'
m alsol
aughingli
kecrazy.Sabel
o
drivesThandi,Usi
thandi
leandJesshomewhi l
eI
geti nthecarwit
hSambul o.Theusualstar
esare
therebutI'mfeeli
ngbravetodaysoistareri
ght
backathi m

Sambul
o:idi
dn'
tknowyoudr
inkal
cohol
Me:i
twasmyf
ir
stt
imet
oday.Ihadsomuchf
un

Hechuckl
esbutdoesn'
ttakehi
seyesof
fther
oad
Him:Icant
ell
.Doyouneedanyt
hingbef
oreIt
ake
youhome?
Me:Idon'
twantt
ogohome.Iwanttogowher
eyou
ar
egoing.Imi
ssyou.Let
'sgocat
chup

Ipassedoutbef
orewereachedwherewewer e
headedbutwhenmyeyesopent henextday,heis
ri
ghtnextt
omeandhei sawake.I'
m embarrassed
asIgetfl
ashbacksofever
ythi
ngthathappened
yest
erdayandtomakemat t
ersworse,
Ihavea
headache

Sambul
o:goodmor
ningdr
unkmast
er

Heischuckl
ingli
keachi
ld.I
'
m gladhei
sfi
ndingmy
mostembarrassi
ngmomentfunnyandwhereis
t
hispl
ace?

Me:pl
easedon'
tst
art
Him:whynot?Itwassogoodwat
chi
ngyouso
caref
reeandhappy
Me:anddr
unk.Wher
ear
ewe?
Him:Sambul
o'shouse.Icoul
dn'
ttakeyouhome,
youwerer
eal
lyoutofit

Igetoutofbed,
I'
minsweat
pant
sandaT-
shi
rtt
hat
smell
slikehi
m

Him:Thandigotyoudr
essed.Wel
lshest
art
edandi
f
inished
Me:Thandit
hinksyouarei
nlovewi
thme.Mysi
ster
al
sothi
nksthesamet hi
ng

Hegetsoutofbedtoo,
heisi
njusthi
sboxers.I
don'
twanttohavet
hoseconver
sati
onbecauseit
s
notGoi
ngtoleadusanywher
ebutthecuri
osit
yis
get
ti
ngthebett
erofme.
Hi
m:whatdoyout
hink?

Ishrugmyshoulder
s.Idon'
twanttoassume
anythi
ng.I
'
veknownt hi
sguyforonl
yaf ewmonths
buthehasbroughtsomuchchangeinmyl i
feand
i
nt hewayIvi
ewmysel f
.

Him:wel
lifyoudon'tknowthenIalsodon'tknow.I
f
someoneisinlovewithyou,youf
eelit
.Iknowyou
fi
ndmeat t
ract
ivebutitsasi
fyouthinkit
swr ong
foryout
olookatmet hatway.
ICANSAVEMYSELF
*
20*
<Sambul
o>
Therecomesat i
mei naman'sl
if
ewhenhehasto
riski
tallandprayforagreat
err
ewar
d.Insi
mple
terms,Ihavereachedthepoi
nti
nmylif
ewhereI
havetomanup.
Simi:hediedSambuloandIwasn'tsadorhurtbyi
t.
Ifanythi
ngIwasrel
ievedbutIam sti
llnotf
reef
rom
him
Me:whatdoyoumean?
Her:hi
sfamil
yhasn'tbeenparticul
arl
ykindtome.
Theywantmoney.Wewer emar ri
edincommunity
ofproper
tybutt
heywanti tal
l.Ihavenothi
ngandi
wasbankingonthatmoneysoicanr ebuil
dmyli
fe
Me:gi
vet
hem al
lofi
t

Shel ookatmeasi fI'

m crazybutshedoesn' tneed
thosepeopl e.I
ftheythinktheycancont rolherwith
somet hingasmeani nglessasmoney, theyhave
anothert hi
ngcomi ng.Iwishshecouldj ustbethe
carefree,happyanddr unkSimlindi
leIsaw
yesterday.OKmaybemi nusthedrunkpar tbutIjust
wanthert obehappy

Her
:andthenwhatwil
lIbeleftwi
th?I'
m ent
it
ledt
o
t
hatmoneyaswellSambulo.Iwentthr
oughhell
wit
hthatman,t
heleasticandoi
sbenef
it
f
inanci
all
yfr
om hi
sdeath
Me:youwanttobefr
eefrom t
hem r
ight
?Lett
hem
havei
tal
l.I
'
llhel
pyourebui
ldyourl
if
e

Sheshakesherhead.Idon'
tknowwhyshehast o
besostubbornaboutever
ything.I
tsprobably
becausesheissostubbor
nt hatshedoesn'tsee
howmuchIl oveher

Her
:you'
veal
readyhel
pedmewi
thsomuch.Ican'
t
t
akemoneyfr
om you
Me:seei
tasal
oant
heni
fyouwantbutl
etgoof
t
hosepeopl
e

Shesighs,t
akesonelookatmeandquickl
ylooks
away.Hershynessissti
llt
hemostador
abl
et hi
ng
I'
veevercameacross
Her
:whyar
eyouj
ustal
wayst
her
ewhenIneedhel
p?
Me:becauseMaMt hembu, yoursi
sterandThandi
areri
ghtbutt
hat'
sastoryf oranot
herday.Youar e
notreadyf
ortheki
ndofl oveIhavef oryousoI '
ll
conti
nuewait
ingunti
lyouar e.Whatiwi l
ltellyou
thoughist
hatyouareeverythingt
omeandIj ust
wanttoseeyouhappylikeyouwer eyest erday

Shestart
sblushi
ngandilaugh.Hereyesar eglued
tothefl
oorandwearejuststandinginthemi ddl
eof
theroom st
ari
ngateachother.WellI'
m star
ingat
herbecauseI'
vecometother eali
zat
ionthatI'
m
i
ncapableoftaki
ngmyeyesof fher

Her:IwanttogettoknowyouandIwantyout oget
toknowme.I '
mr edi
scover
ingmyselfandmaybe
goi
ngont hatj
ourneywithyouwouldn'tbesucha
badidea
Me:whatar
eyousayi
ng?
Her
:I'
m sayi
ngIcan'
tpr
omi
seyouar
elat
ionshi
p
ri
ghtnowbutIwantyouinmylif
e.Youareagr eat
guySambuloandIknowyourhearti
spure.Ijust
needyoutobepati
entwit
hme, t
akeyourtimeto
gettoknowmesoyouknowi fyoureal
lydowant
measIam becauseIcan'
tbesomeoneel sei
n
ordert
opleaseyou

Iplacemyhandsonherwai standshel if
tsherhead
tolookatmewhi leIpul lhercloser.I
'vewaited11
weeksjusttoheart hosewor ds,t
obeabl etohold
herthewayI '
m holdingherr ightnowandt obeable
tobethisclosetoher .i
talmostf eelsasifI'
m
dreaming,t
hatshei sr i
ghther einmyar ms.Ilower
myheadunt i
lmyf oreheadr estsonher s,t
akeina
deepbreathandcl osemyeyes

Me:ngi
yak'
thandaSi
mli
ndi
le

Myli
psbrushagainstherswhil
eherspartsli
ghtl
y
towel
comemine.Theki ssissl
ow,i
tsmagi cal
,i
ts
amazi
nganditsl
ikecomi ngupforabreathoffresh
ai
r.WhenIpul
lback,shest
il
lhashereyescl
osed
andherbot
tom l
ipt
uckedsexil
ybet
weenherteet
h

Her
:wow

Iplaceal
ongpeckonherforeheadandhereyes
open.Wesmil
esimult
aneouslybefor
eipul
lherin
forahug

Me:we'
l
ltaket
hisatyourpace
Her
:pl
ease
Me:OKbaby.What everyouwant,
I'l
lgi
veitt
oyou.
Let
'sfreshenupandgetoutofhere.I
'mtaki
ngyou
outforbreakf
ast
Her
:baby?Youar
ecut
e

Weshowerseparat
elyanditsthemoaningscr
eams
fr
om Sabel
o'sr
oom thatchaseusoutmorethan
ourhunger
.Thoset
woar eforeverhavi
ngsex,
I'
m
gl
admychi
ldi
sn'
ther
etohearal
loft
his

Me:wher
edoyouwantt
ogo?
Her
:muggandbean.
..
ift
hat
'sOKwi
thyou
Me:anywher
ewi
thf
oodi
sOKwi
thme

Asiwatchhereat,foll
owingeverymovementshe
makes,ifal
ldeeperinlovewithher.Thi
ssti
llf
eel
s
unr
eal,
likesomeonei sgoingtopinchmer i
ghtnow
andwakemeupf rom thisbeaut
if
uldream

Her
:Sambuloeatandst
opst
ari
ngatme.I
'
m not
goi
nganywher
e
Me:pr
omi
seme

Shepl
aceshercut l
eryontheplat
eandleansback
onherchai
r.Shestil
lcan'
tkeepeyecontactf
or
l
ongbutIlovethatshesti
llt
ri
estoo
Her
:whatam ipr
omi
singyou?
Me:t
hatyouwon'
twal
kawayf
rom me.Pr
omi
seme
Her:Sambul
obabysteps.Pl
ease.I'
m her
eri
ght
now,shoul
dn'
tthatbewhatmatter
sfornow?

Ismil
e.It
sreal
lyhappeni
ng.Shei
smi
neandshei
s
her
ewi t
hme

Her
:noweatyourf
oodbef
orei
tget
scol
d

Whi leeat
ing,ist
il
lstealglancesatherever ynow
andt henandwhenshet hinksI '
m notlooking, Ican
feelhereyesonme.Ipr ayt hel ordgivesmet he
strengthtoneverwill
inglyhur tthiswomanbecause
asmuchaswet hinklovei sever ythi
ng, sometimes
strengthi
sneededwhenl ovel eadsusast r
ay.My
par ent
saretheper f
ectlovest or ybutI'
llnever
forgetheari
ngmymot herscreami ngwhi l
emy
fatherbeather.SabeloandIwer e8year soldatt he
ti
me.Ir ememberTshepicomi ngdownt hestairs
l
ookingf ormamaandhowSabel oconvincedhert o
tur
nbackbecausehedi dn'twanthert ohearwhat
washappened.Myyoungersi blingswer enoteven
ayearol datt hetime.Eventi
lt hisdaymypar ents
don'tknowt hatweknowwel eftmydadf oraf ew
mont hsbecauseofwhathehaddonet oourmot her.
That'showSabel oandIhaveal waysbeen.Wear e
j
ustbl endedi nthebackground, hear i
ngandseei ng
thi
ngspeopl ethinkwedon'tnot ice.IthinkIonly
for
gavemydadwhenwhenhemar ri
edmamabut
Sabelost i
llcarri
esthatanger.Het ri
eshar dtohide
i
tbutwhenhet hinksnoonei sl ooking,iseehowhe
l
ooksatourf atherwhenhei sar oundmama.Ther e
i
st hatsenseofwant i
ngt obepr ot ectheratall
ti
mes.
Aft
erbreakf
ast,idri
veSi
mihome.Sheneedsto
changethenI'
mt aki
nghert
othebeach.Ever
yone
l
ovesthebeach

Si
mi:ar
eyoucomi
ngi
n?
Me:nah.I
'l
ljustpar
kaf ewhousesfrom yourhouse.
i
fyoutaketoolong,I
'l
lrunawaywithsome
t
ownshipgirlt
hatdri
nkshansaforbreakfast

Shest
art
slaughi
ng

Her
:youar
esopsycho
Me:i
tget
swor
sewhenI
'
m wi
thyou.Sayhit
oSl
ifor
me
Her
:ifit
ellheryouar
eher
e,shewi
llcomet
oyou
Me:doessheknowanyhansadr i
nkinggir
lsf
rom
ar
oundhere?I
'vecometoreal
izethatil
ikemy
womendrunkandbrave.Li
kehowyouwer el
ast
ni
ght

Herhandl andsonmyar m asshesmacksme

pl
ayful
lybef oreshet
ri
estoopenthedoorbuti
qui
cklylocki t
Her
:andnow?
Me:ki
ssmef
ir
stt
henyoucango?
Her
:youar
eal
ott
odealwi
th.Woza
Me:lookatyouact
ingasi
fyoudon'
twantmy
ki
sses.Gir
lIknowyouwantt
osuckmyf ace
Her
:ngi
zoyekayaz.

AsifI
'l
llether.Wekissf
orashor twhil
ethenshe
get
soutt hecar.Whil
eiwaitforher,
myphoner i
ngs,
i
t'
sSabel o.I
'
m star
ti
ngtothinkthi
sguycan'tl
ive
wit
houtme

Me:hal
f
Sabel
o:ar
eyoust
il
lsl
eepi
ng?
Me:wel ef
t.Youthinkther
e'sapersononthis
planett
hatcansleepthroughThandimoaningand
screamingli
kethat?
Hi
m:tsek.I
'
vebeent
ell
ingyout
obuyahouse.That
wayyoucanwankal
lyouwant
Me:whatdoyouwantSabel
o?

Helaughs.Iwaitf
orhi
mtof
ini
shandgett
othe
poi
ntofthisphonecal
l

Him:bendi
manendi
kuCheck(
isha)nt
wanayam.
Ak'
khonto
Me:yesesuyadi
kabruh.Gofet
chyourchil
dand
spendti
mewi t
hhim.Youpromisedhi
mt hewhol
e
weekend
Him:ei
shyahnehandIst
il
lhavet
ogot
oTshepi
'
s
house
Me:havef
un

Heknowsidon'tenter
tai
nTshepisodrama.Ihang
upwhenIseeSimiandSl iappr
oachingmycar.Sli
getsi
nthebackseatwhil
eSimiretur
nstothefront
seat
Sl
i:hel
loSbar
i
Si
mi:Sli
ndil
eMthembucoul
dyoubeanymor
e
i
nappropr
iat
e?

Il
ookatSliontherear
viewmi
rr
orandshei
s
fi
nishedwi
thlaught
er

Me:sbar
iwami
,yougood?
Si
mi:youar
eent
ert
aini
ngher
?
Me:I'
m soft
eni
ngherupsothatwhenIcomepay
Lobol
aonedaysheremembersthatiwasonceni
ce
toherwhil
eshemadefunofmybaby
Sl
i:never
.Nodi
scountl
ana.Anywayl
etmego.I
wantedtocomesayheytomynewsbari

Shegetsoutthecarandidri
veoff.I
t'
swhenist
op
atthetr
aff
icli
ghtt
hatitakealookather
.Shei
sina
shortbl
uedressandsandals
Me:youl
ookni
cebaby
Her
:thankyou
Me:t
hankyouwho?

Shegiggl
eswhi
lebl
ushi
ng.Dammi
tshei
sso
per
fect

Her
:hayiSambul
ohawu
Me:what
?I'
mjustaski
ng
Her
:thankyoubaby

The'
baby'comesoutasawhi
sper
sandij
ustsmi
le
tomysel
fanddri
ve.
ICANSAVEMYSELF
*
21*
<Sabel
o>
I
t'
snowMonday,
Ihavemyfir
stindivi
dualsession
wit
hAmel
iaandf
orsomereasonI'm morerelaxed
todayt
hanIwaswhenIwaswi t
hThandi.Maybe
whatThandithinksofmemat terst
omemor ethanI
thi
nk.I
'
mr unningabi tlatebecausemy
consul
tat
ionranl ongerthanIhadwi shedforbuti
t
j
ustmeansmor emoneyf orme

Me:sor
ryI
'
mlat
e

Ij
ustwal
kedi
nandshei
sal
readyat
tacki
ngmewi
th
ahug

Amel
ia:notat
rai
nsmashsi
nceyoucal
ledahead.
Howareyou?
Me:I
'm good.Iwaswi
thmysont
hisweekendand
hej
usthashiswayofmaki
ngmehappy

Shesmilesandjotsdownwhatijustsai d.
Lwandi
soi severyt
hingtomeandIj usthopehe
tur
nsoutnothingli
kehi smot
herandI .SneandI
arebot
hsel f
ishpeople.Shei
ssel
fishf orl
eavi
ng
mewi thachil
dandI '
m sel
fishforneglecti
nghim.
Tomydef ensethough,I
'm sti
lladj
usti
ngt o
fat
herhoodandfindi
ngabal ancewi t
ht herestof
mylif
e

Her
:soyouhaveason?

Inod

Me:hei
s9yr
sol
dandt
hebestt
hingt
oeverhappen
t
ome
Her
:that
'
ssweet
.Sot
ellmeaboutSabel
o

Isi
gh.thi
sisthequest
ionIwasn'
tlooki
ngf
orwar
d
tobuticandescr
ibemyselfi
nonewor d

Me:Sabel
oisamess
Her
:andwhydoyousayt
hat
?
Me:becauseihaveever yt
hingthatmostpeople
wantbutidon'tappreciateitbecauseidon'
t
deservei
t.Ihaveat winbrother,wearenothi
ng
al
ikeyetwear einthesamel i
neofbusiness.For
obviousr
easons
Her:wewillgettot
herel
ati
onshi
pyouhavewit
h
yourbr
other.ri
ghtnowij
ustwantustot
alkabout
you

Isi
gh.Howdoit al
kaboutmysel
fwit
hout
menti
oni
ngSambul o?Imeantheguyhasbeenwi
th
meallmyli
fe.Iam notmewit
houthi
m

Me:uhm ok.Ihadagr eatchi

ldhoodbutt he
great
nessofi tstart
edwhenIwas5year sold.
beforethat,i
twasj ustOK.Iwasr ai
sedbymy
grandparentsinPEaf termymot herleftusther
e
andshel eftforthestates.Mydadonl ystart
ed
beinginourl i
veswhenwewer e3yearsoldsof or
thefi
rst3year sofourliveswedidn'thaveparents.
Wewer ej ustkidsbutwepi ckedupt hatwewer e
unwanted,t
hat'
swhywewer
elef
twi
thour
grandpar
ents.
Her:wasthatbecausei
twassomethi
ngsaidint
he
envir
onmentyouwer ei
norwasithowthesit
uat
ion
madeyouf eel
?
Me:itwasmor eofhowt hesi t
uationmadeusf eel.
Mygr andparentsdidt heirbest ,wehadever ything
weneededandever ythingwewant edexceptour
parents.Wewant edourpar entstoo.Whenmydad
movedt oPE, hewast her ebuthewasn' treallythere.
Hewasamess, newl ydi vorcedandhej ustdi dn't
havet i
meforus.Her ewast hismant hatweneeded
andlongedforbuthecoul dn'
tevenspar e5mi nutes
toplaywithus.ItfeltlikeIwasget tingrejectedal l
overagainandt het hi
ngwi t
hmei st hatIdon' ttake
rej
ectionwell
.I'
ml ikeacent i
pede, i
fyoupokeme, i
curlupandshutyouout .That 'swhatIdi dwi thmy
dad,at3yearsoldIal readyhadadvancedemot ional
i
ntell
igence

I
'
veneverspokenaboutmychi
ldhoodwi
thanyone.
peopl
earequickt osaywehadmamasowewer e
fi
nebutmamawasn' tther
efrom dayone.The
probl
emsandi ssuesdidn'
tstartwhenwewereold
enoughtounderstandthem,theystar
tedfr
om day
onebutweonlyi dent
if
iedthem wit
hnameswhen
wewer eol
der

Her:andhowhast
hatworkedf
oryou?Bei
ngcl
osed
of
fandnotlet
ti
ngpeopl
ein?
Me:itworkedforaf ewyearsbutt
henImetmama
andshebr okedownt hosewall
swithouteventr
ying.
Eventilt
hisday,Ihavenoideahowshemademe
l
oveherbutIdi d.Il
ovehermor et
hananyt hi
ng
becauseIfeelthatshesavedmefrom myself
Her
:mama?
Me:myf at
her
'swif
ebuttheonl ymot herI
'
veever
had.Iwas4yrsoldwhenImetherandevenaf ter
spendingtwoyearswithmydad, not
hingchanged.
Hewascol dtowardsus,hedidt hebareminimum
l
iketakingustoschoolandfetchingusbutitdidn'
t
feell
ikehewasoutf at
her.Sambul owouldalways
reachouttohi
m onl
ytocomebackcr
yingwhenhe
dismissedhi
m

Sambul oisnot hingli

keme, wemayhaveshar ed
thesameWombbutwear enotalike.Wemi rror
eachot herthough.WhatIl ackin,heexcelsati tand
viceversa.Hisemot i
onali
ntel
li
gencei sonzer o,he
doesn'tdealwithhi semoti
onsunt ilt
heyspil
lover
andhei sf or
cedt odeal.Heistoof or
givi
ng,too
trust
ing,toolovingandattimest oonaive.

Her
:soyourl
if
echangedwhenyouwer
e5year
sol
d?

Inod

Me:Iwasexcit
edt ohaveamotherdespi
teknowi
ng
thatshedi
dn'
tgivebir
thtomebutIneverdoubt
ed
herlovef
orme
Her
:soyouf
eelyouar
ewor
thyofherl
ove?
Me:yes
Her
:andwhyi
sthat
?
Me:shehadt heopti
onofr ej
ect
ingusbuti nst
ead
shechosetoloveus.Shemadet i
mef orus,
someti
meschoosi ngusovermydad.Wemat ter
ed
toher
,infactwestil
ldo.Shefil
ledthatvoi
dwehad
ofl
ongingforamot her
'slove

Honestl
yIcoul
dgoonthewholedayspeaki
ng
aboutmamabutweonlyhave30minsandagai
nit
feel
sli
keti
mehasbeenstol
en

Her:whenyoucomei nagainonWednesday,wewill
gointodepthonyourrel
ati
onshipwi
thyourmother
.
Youactuall
yopenupeasilyforaper
sonthat
's
cl
osedoff

Shesmi
les,
idon'
tret
urnthesmi
lebutihopeshe
knowst
hatit
snotmet r
yingt
oberude.i
tsjustt
he
wayIam
Me:it
sbecauseyouareastr
angerandyouropi
nion
ofmedoesn'taf
fectme.I
'
m notemoti
onal
ly
att
achedt
oyou

Shenods

Me:idon'
tmeani
tinar
udeway
Her
:don'
tworr
y,If
ull
yunder
standwhatyoumean.
SoI
'l
lseeyouagai
nonWednesday

Inod, getupandl eave.Idon' tfeell

ight er
,infactI
feelnumb.Ihaven' trevisitedmychi ldhoodi nyears
butI'm atpeacewi t
hi t
.I thappenedandi t
contri
but edtothemaniam t oday.ThemanIam
tryi
ngt ochange.Af t
erl eavingAmel ia'soffi
ce,I
grablunchatNandost hendr i
vetotheof fi
ce.
Tshepii sinmyof fi
cewhenIwal ki
n, Iwas
supposedt ogotoherhouseyest er
dayand
somehowIcoul dn'tmaket i
mef ori
t
Me:heysi
s
Tshepi
:hi

I
tsacol
dandf
lathi

Me:uxolomahnmnt asekhaya.Iwaswi
thLwandi
so,
Icomplet
elyl
ostt
rackoft i
me
Her
:Ineededt
otal
ktoyouSabel
o.I
twasi
mpor
tant
Me:I
'
m sor
rybutwecant
alknow

Isitdownandgi
vehermyf ul
latt
enti
on.Sheisn'
t
OKbutTshepidoesn'
tcomeseemeunl essthere
areprobl
ems.I
'm al
wayshereforher
,sheknows
that

Her
:mysuspensi
onhast
urnedt
oadi
smi
ssal
Me:yougotf
ir
ed?
Shenods.I'
m notshockedbutf
orhersakeIwi
ll
pret
endthatiam

Her:I
'
vesentoutmyCVsoI '
m hopingt
hat
somethi
ngwillcomeup.Mom suggest
edt
hatIgo
workforKagi
so
Me:atl
eastt
hat
'sanopt
ion
Her:Ican'tl
eaveDurbanSabelo.Mazwi
ischeat
ing
onmeandhi ssidechi
ckispregnant
.Hedoesn'
t
knowt hatIknow
Me:siswhenar eyougoi ngtoopenyoureyesand
real
izet
hatever ythi
ngst ar
tedgoingsidewaysf or
youwhenyoumett hisguy?Hei sholdingyouback.
Younol ongertalktodadbecauseofhi m andyou
areanunempl oyedal coholi
cbecauseofhi m.Open
youreyesTshepi so
Me:Ilovehim SabeloandIcan'
twalkaway
becauseI'
m alsopregnant
.Itol
dhimlastweekand
hestormedout .Hehasn'
tret
urnedyet
.Hisphone
ri
ngsunanswered,
her
eadsmyt
ext
sonWhat
sApp
butdoesn'
trepl
y

Isi
gh.Ivowednevert oi nvolvemyselfinmysist
ers'
busi
nessbutt hismi ghtf or
cemet obr eakt
hatvow.
Mybi ggestprobl
em i sthatifIfuckthatguyup,i
t
wil
lruinmyr elat
ionshipwi thmysi st
er

Me:sowhatar
eyougoi
ngt
odo?
Her
:Idon'
tknow.Ir
eal
lydon'
tknow
Me:myadvi cet oyouisthatt
aket hejobKagi sois
offeri
ngyou, movet oPretor
iaandr aiseyourchild.
TellMazwiwher eyouaregoingandi fhewant sto
bei nthechild'
sl i
fet
henhewi llmakeapl anbutyou
stayinghere, f
oll
owinghim aroundwon' tforcehim
tobet her
ef oryouandyourchi l
d.Stoplivingfor
him andstartlivingf
oryourselfsis

Bythet
imethedaycomestoanend,I'
m exhaust
ed
andemoti
onal
lydr
ainedpl
usIst
il
lhavetodrivet
o
mypar entshousetofetchLwandi
sosinceShaka
pi
ckedhi m upfr
om school.HowdoesaMonday
j
ustfeelli
keaFr i
day?AndIdon'tmeanthati
na
goodway.ThandiCal l
sasIdriveoutoft
hebuil
ding

Me:hey
Thandi
:hey,
howar
eyou?Howwasyourday?
Me:I'
mt i
redandmydaywasdr
aini
ng.Howar
eyou?
Imissyou

Icanhearherchuckl
ingaft
erItel
lhert
hatImiss
herbuti
tsthetr
uth.Onadayasl ongasthisone,I
j
ustwanttogohomet oherandholdherunti
lIfal
l
asl
eep

Her:I
'
m OK,imissyout
oobutIunder
standt
hatyou
havetoputLwandi
sofi
rst
Me:yeahhey.I'
l
lseeyout
omorrow.Yousti
llowe
medinnerbecauseonSat
urdayyoudeci
dedt oget
dr
unkwithyourfri
ends
Her
:andigotni
cel
ypuni
shedf
ort
hatt
henextday

Weshar ealaughaswer emini

sceaboutour
weekend.Itssoweir
dthatI'
mlaughingmore
especial
lywhenI'
m wit
hherortalki
ngtoheror
tal
kingabouther
.Sowei r
d.
ICANSAVEMYSELF
*
22*
<Si
mli
ndi
le>
Iwakeupf eeli
nghotduet othemuscul ararmt hat
i
sent angledaroundmehol di
ngmet ightly.Theway
hehol dsmesot ight,you'dswearhet hinksI '
m
goingt owakeupi nthemi ddleoftheni ghtand
l
eavehi m.DeepdownIknowI '
dneverwal kaway
fr
om hi m orthi
st hingwehavegoi ngon.Hehas
becomesuchagr eatpar tofmyl i
fethatIdon' tgoa
daywi thoutseeinghi m.Hei smychauf feurtowork
andbackandi tsbeenl iket hatfortwomont hs.
We'vebeendoi ngt hi
sf ortwomont hs,I'
vebeen
l
ivi
ngi nthisapar tmentt hathei spayingf orfortwo
monthsandI '
vebeenhappyf ortwomont hs.My
i
nsecur iti
esar ethere,t
heyar easl argeasmy
feeli
ngsf orhi m butI '
m deal ing.Forsomer eason
I'
m havingt roubleaccept ingt hatiact uallyownal l
thi
shappi nessandt hathewontt r
ansf ormi nto
whatmyexwasassoonasI 'm comf or t
ableand
full
yinvest edi nus.I '
m scar edmor et hananyt hing,
I'
m scar edt hathewi l
lrealizet hathedeser vesal ot
mor ethanabr okengi r
llikeme.I 'm scar edt hathe
willchangehi smi ndaboutmeandI 'm scar edthat
maybehei sj ustwithmebecausehef eelssorryfor
me.Hedoesn' tknowhowif eelt hough, icould
neverbot herhi m withmypet t
inesswhenhehas
shownt hathel ovesmewi thwor dsandact i
ons.
Eveni fiwast ot el
lhim, whatwoul ditchange?
BecauseasmuchasI '
m st il
lyett ohavemyf ir
st
sessionwi t
hAmel i
a,icanal r
eadydi agnoset hatthe
healingneedst ocomef r
om meandt her eis
nothinghecandot ospeedupt hepr ocess.
Itsamiraclethathedi dn'
twakeupwhenigotoutof
bed,heisqui t
et heli
ghtsleeper.Imakemywayt o
thekit
chenaf terfr
esheningupt ocookoats.
Sambul olovesit.It
saSat urdaytodaysoihave
nowher etogopl usSlii
scomi ngoverlater.My
sist
erandSambul ogetalonglikeahouseonf ir
e,
sheevenf orgetsaboutmewhenhei saround.Ilove
thattheygetalong,especial
lybecauseherand
Sandilehatedeachot her
.Iwon' tevendownpl ayit
andsayt heydidn'tl
ikeeachot her,i
twaspur ehate.
Sambul owalksi nt
othekitchenjustasI'
m dishing
uptheoat s

Me:mor
ningsl
eepyhead

Hewrapshi
sar
msar oundme,ki
ssesmyf
orehead
bef
orepl
aci
ngapeckonmylips

Sambul
o:mor
ningbaby

Ihandhim hisbowl,headdshoneyandmargar
ine
thensi
tsont hecounter
.Iputhoneyandmi
lkin
minethensitonthecounterchai
r
Hi
m:t
hankyou
Me:youar
ewel
come

SambuloandIar enotshacki
ngup,hesleepsover
onsomeweekends.I nthepasttwomonths,hehas
onlysl
eptovertwiceandwehaven'tdoneanyt
hing
beyondkissi
ng.Wear est
il
ltaki
ngthi
ngsslowly

Him:Ihavetogoseemybr ot
herlat
er,hesayswe
havesomethingt
odiscussandbeforethatist
il
l
havetomeetupwi t
hthatl
adythat'
shelpingme
fi
ndahouse
Me:soundsl
ikeabusyday
Him:pleasejoi
nmef orhousehunt
.Ij
ustwanta
houseandt hatladyi
smaki ngmyli
fedif
fi
cul
tby
showingmeat housandhouseswhenionlywant
one

Il
augh.Heissuchaweirdosometi
mes.A
handsome,
smar tandf
unnyweir
do.Myweir
do.I
agreet ohelphim withthehousehunt ,Sliisonl y
comi nglaterandshehast hekeyt othispl acepl us
theremot eforthegate.Iwasht hedi sheswhi l
ehe
shower sandwhenhei sdone, Ialsot akeashower .
Whi l
eI'm gett
ingdressedheiswat chingt v, iputon
awhi teofftheshouldermaxidr essandwhi te
sandals.myhai risabitroughedup, i
tsatt hat
stagewher eitstoolongtojustcombwi thout
endingupl ookingli
keaf ar
mj ulietandt ooshor tto
plai
t.Igrabmyhandbagandwal kintot hel ounge,
hisheadl i
ftsthemomentiwal ki nandhesmi l
es

Hi
m:youl
ookbeaut
if
ulbaby

Ismil
e.Foursi
mplewor
dsbutt
heymakemyhear
t
meltl
ikewarmicecr
eam

Me:t
hankyoubabe.l
et'
sgo

Whenwear
ri
veatt
hef
ir
sthouse,
Ithi
nki
t'
stoobi
g
forhim andit
sbasi
call
yaglasshousesoI
'
m not
gett
ingasenseofiteverbecomi
ngahome.He
seemst oli
keitt
hough

Sambul
o:what
'swr
ongwi
tht
hishouse?
Me:not
hing,
itsmor
eofabachel
orpad.Yousai
d
youwantahome
Hi
m:youcanmakei
tahomebaby

Heseesmeblushi
ngthenhepull
smecl osert
ohi
m
andki
ssesme.Theagentst
art
slaughi
ngandipull
awayfr
om hi
mi nembarr
assment

Me:Iwanttoseemor
ehouses.Thi
sonewi
llbet
he
l
astopt
ion

Wesee3mor ehousesandt heyallhaveprosand

consbutidi
dlikeone.It
sadoublestoreyfacebri
ck
house.Thear
chitect
ureisabi
toldfashionedbuti
t
hasahomef eeltoit
.Het hi
nksitsni
ce.Justthat.
Hei sn'
tgoi
ngcr azyli
kehedi dovertheglasshouse.
Slicall
swhil
ewear esti
llvi
ewingthelasthouse

Me:heysi
s
Sl
i:don'
theysi
sme,wher
ear eyou?I'
m atyour
pl
aceandyoudon'
thavewine,l
etaloneSavannah

It
sjustaf
termiddayandshewant
ssavannah.Igi
ve
uponmysi st
er.

Me:I
'
llbr
ingyoua6packofsavannah
Her
:that
'
sasi
ptome.Buya24case
Me:hai
bouzodakwaSl
indi
le
Her
:that
'
stheai
mthough.I
'
llsl
eepover
Me:wow

Idon'
tknowwhyI
'
m sur
pri
sedr
eal
ly.Sheaskst
o
speaktoSambul
oandIgivehi
mthephone.Wit
hin
5secsheiscr
acki
ngup,
laughi
ngastorm.He
handsmebackmyphone4mi nsl
ater

Sambul
o:puti
nanof
ferf
ort
hishouse
Agent
:okMrSmi
th
Me:it
houghtyoul
iket
heot
herone
Sambulo:I
'
llbuyi
tsecr
etl
yandt
urni
tint
oaman
cave.Wher
eicanruntowhenyouar
eangryatme
andwanttokil
lme
Me:whywoul
dibeangr
yatyou?
Hi
m:dowomeneverneedar
easont
obeangr
y?

Thelookigivehi
mtell
shi
mt ostoptal
king
i
mmedi at
elyorel
sehewil
llandhimsel
fintroubl
e.
Hedropsmeof fatt
hehouseaft
erbuyingthe24
caseofSavannahand3bottl
esofwine

Hi
m:Iwantyout
ohavef
unwi
thyoursi
sterbutal
so
mi
ssmeal
it
tl
e
Me:t
hankyoubaby.Youknowngi
zodakwar
ight
?

Hegi
vesmeasexysmi
rk

Hi
m:aslongasyouarehappy,
idon'
tmi
nd.Tel
lme
i
fyouguysdeci
detogoout
Me:Iwi
ll

Weshar
eal
ong,
slowki
ssbef
oreheget
sint
hecar

Hi
m:Il
oveyouMaMvel
asewami

I'
m blushingal
loveragain.Hesmiles,
winksatme
thendrivesoff
.Il
iter
all
yskipintot
heflatwi
ththe
biggestsmileonmyf ace.Slii
salr
eadyhalf
way
throughhersavannahdumpy
Sl
i:cal
lthosefr
iendsofyour
s.Iwantt
odr
ink
Savannahwiththewhit
egirl
Me:youmeanJessi
ca
Her
:yeaht
hatone

IsendUsi thandileat exttocomet hroughwi t

hfood
andonemor ebot t
leofwi nethenItextThandias
well.Thandir espondst hatshewillbecomi ngwith
Maya.Idon' tmi nd,themor ethemer ri
er.Beforet
he
girl
sarri
ve, idefrostporkchopsandwor sthengo
takeaqui ckshower .Ichangeintogreyleggings
andawhi tetankt op

Me:whatar
eyoudoi
ng?
Sl
i:maki
ngpap,
Ihat
ebr
eadwhenI
'
m dr
unk

Ithi
nksheisonherthir
ddumpyandihaven' teven
openedmybot tl
eofwine.Thegir
lsarr
iveasI'
m
abouttoputthemeatintheoven.Thepapisalmost
readyandthechakal
akaisonthestove.Int
rosare
doneandif
inal
lyhavemygl
assofwi
nei
nmyhand

Usi:whydi
dyousayimustbr
ingf
oodi
fyouar
e
cooking
Sl
i:wearecooki
ngdrunkpeoplefood,
thefoodyou
broughti
spredr
inksfood.HeyJessi
ca.wanta
Savannah?
Jess:Savannahi
sli
kehunt
ersr
ight
?
Usi
:somet
hingl
iket
hat

Slipasseshert hedumpywhi leUsi t

handile,Maya
andmysel faredr i
nkingwine.Thandibr ought
herselfabot t
leofchampagne.That 'sonet hi
ngi
l
ikeaboutThandi ,
sheaccommodat esher self
.She
i
sn'tfussyorst uckup.Theaf ter
noonf l
owsni cely,
wear el i
steni
ngt ogoodmusi c,dri
nkingandt alki
ng
nonsense.Imi ssSambul oabi tbutI'
llbefine.I
knowhewi l
lstartblowingupmyphonet hemoment
heisfr ee
Jess:soSl
i,
doyouhaveamani
nyourl
if
e?

TheSavannahhassunkinnicel
yaft
erj
ustadumpy
andahalf
.shewil
llear
n.Savannahi
snot
champai
gn

Sli
:notyetbutIdohavemyeyeonsomeone.Hei s
adoctor,Ibumpedintohim atcheckers.hehasthe
smoothestchocolat
eskin,iwasevent emptedto
l
ickhim.Bi gbrowneyesandt heperf
ectsetofteet
h.
Yhothebr otheri
sfi
ne
Me:whatguyi
sthi
s,idon'
tknowaboutadoct
or
youar
ecrushi
ngon
Sli
:Iwasgoi
ngt
otel
lyout
oday.Ij
ustMethi
m
yester
day

Shegoesonaboutherdoct orandJessbeingthe
crazypersonthatsheis,sheisalr
eadydancingal
l
overtheplace.Sheisvibi
ngquitewellwi
thmy
si
ster.Theircr
azinessi
sont hesamelevel.
Asigetupt
ogor ef
il
lmywine,Thandiget
supwi
th
me.Shehasbeentooqui
etformyliki
ng

Me:ar
eyouok?
Thandi
:Ineedyoutohelpmefindawaytot
ell
Sabel
othatI'
m pr
egnantwi
thoutfr
eaki
nghi
m out
Me:pr
egnant
?Butyouar
edr
inki
ng
Her
:it
sal
coholf
ree.Sowi
llyouhel
pme?
ICANSAVEMYSELF
*
23*
<Sambul
o>
Mymot herhasbeensecr etl
yguidingmet hr
ough
myr elati
onshipwi thSimli
ndile,
that'showmuchi
don'twanttomesst hi
sup.Onet hingshehas
emphasi sedist hatIshouldalwaysgi veherroom to
breath.Mymot herknowshowmuchIval uequalit
y
ti
me, whetherinar el
ati
onshiporwi thmyf amily,
I'
m
theguyt hatshowsupf ormypeopl e.AsI'm dr
ivi
ng
awayf rom herapar tment,Ist
artmi ssingher,
regrett
ingbeingawayf rom herandj ustwanttobe
aroundherbutisuckitup.Hersi sterisvisit
ingand
theyneedtospendsomet imetoget her.Iont he
otherhand,haveimportantbusinesst odiscuss
withmybr other
.Wellthat'
swhathesai d.With
Sabelo,i
t'
sneverreal
lyimpor t
antbutheal ways
saysitisj
ustsoIwi l
lshowup.Ipar kjustout si
de
hisgarageandwal ki
nsidet hehouse, t
hereisno
needtoknockbecauseheknowsI '
m comi ng

Me:yandoda

Heisl
ayi
ngonthecouchwat
chinganol
dsoccer
gamebet
weenChief
sandCel
tics

Sabel
o:yant
wana.Unqabi
leneh
Me:what?Wewor
katt
hesamepl
ace,
youseeme
ever
yday
Him:yeahbutIneverseeyouhereanymore.
KumnandiKwaDepar t
mentofrel
ati
onshi
ps
Me:Tsek.l
eavemeal
one.I
'
m happybr
uh
Imakemywayt ohiswhi
skeystash,
pourf
ort
he
bot
hofusthengivehi
m hi
sglass.Bynowhei
s
si
tt
inguponthecouch

Me:wher
eismyboy?
Him:Shakat
ookhimtothecasi
no.Heisget
ti
ng
addi
ctedtot
hatpl
aceandit
syourfaul
t

Ilaugh.Myboylovesthecasi
nof
ort
wor
easons,
forthegamesandt hebuf
fet

Me:l
eavehi
m al
one.Sowhat
'sup?
Him:heisexact
lyl
ikeyouandyouar
eli
ke
TatuQhawe
Me:mychil
drenbet
ternotbelikeyouanddadthen.
Il
oveyouguysbutyesesy'
allarealott
odealwit
h
Hedownshisdr
inkwhil
eI'
m st
illonmythir
dsip
thenheget
suptogopourhimselfanot
herone.
somethi
ngiswr
ong.Icanf
eelitandIcanseeit

Me:what
'
sgoi
ngon?
Hi
m:Iscr
ewedupbr
o
Me:weal
waysscr
ewuphal
fthenwef
ixeach
ot
hersmesses
Hi
m:wecan'
tfi
xthi
sone

NowI '
m slowl
yfreaki
ngout.Usual
lyI
'mthescr
ew
upandhehel psmef i
xmypr obl
emssowhenhe
saysaproblem can'
tbefi
xed,Ij
ustdon'
tknowwhat
I'
m supposedtosayortodo

Me:t
alkt
ome

Hesighs.Thegri
ponhisgl
assi
sgett
ingt
ight
er,hi
s
eyesareshutandhei
stappi
nghi
sfootonthefl
oor
Hi
m:Thandii
spr
egnant
Me:wi
thyourchi
ld?
Him:I'dli
ket obeli
eveso.I '
m notreadyforachil
d
Sambul o.I'
m strugglingbei
ngadadt oLwandi
so
andifididn'thaveyouguyshel pi
ngme, I'
dbe
fucked.Nowt obringababyi nt
othismessofa
sit
uationIhavegoi ngonwithThandiwillj
usttake
mebackt osquar eone
Me:di
dyout
ellhert
hat
?

Heshakeshishead.Iunderstandhisconcerns.He
j
ustadmitt
edtohimselfaweekagot hatheisin
l
ovewithThandiandtobringababyi ntoasi t
uati
on
whereyouarenottoget
her,youarebot hbroken
humanbeingsandstil
ltr
yingt of
ixyoursel
vesi s
j
ustabadidea.Thatbabywi l
lbescrewedf rom day
one

Hi
m:shedoesn'
tknowt
hatiknow.Isawt
he
pregnancyt
esti
nhert
rashcan.Idi
dn'
taskherand
shehasn'tt
oldme
Me:t
alkt
oher
Hi
m:youknowidon'
tdot
hat
Me:youneedtost artdoi
ngi t
.Tellherhowyouf eel
aboutthewhol
et hing,t
ellheryoudon'twantababy
andmaybeshef eelsthesameway.Bet tert
hatway
befor
eyoubothendupwi t
hababyyoudon' twant
becauseyousparedyourf eeli
ngs

Hedi dn'tagreet otalktoherbutIknowhewi l

l.t
he
ol
dSabel owoul dhaveendedt hingswi thThandit he
momenthesawt hepregnancyt estbutt hi
snew
andinl oveSabel oi sn'
tabouttol etgooft hatgirl
becauseoft hat.Igetacal lf
rom Oyi ntandoi nvit
ing
ustot heshi sanyama.Theusualsquadwi llbethere
j
ustwi thoutt hegirls.aboysnightout .Oyi ntando
andPaular ebasi call
yourolderbr other sandt hey
arethepeopl ewemost lygetadvisef rom whenwe
arereallylostandconf used.Theydon' tgetalong
anymor ef orsomer easonsoi t
sr areforust ochill
withbothofthem atthesametime.Wedon' tknow
whattheirbeefisandIt
sbesttojustnotget
i
nvolved.Oyint
andohasat emperfrom hel
l.That
guywi l
lfuckyouupbadlyandheget sthatfrom hi
s
dad.Wel eavethehouseat7,dri
vetotheliquor
storeandgetmor ewhiskeyandicethendriveto
theshisanyama

Me:Shakai
scomi
ng
Sabel
o:whendidwestar
tdri
nki
ngwi
thki
ds?Shaka
i
sachild.Heshoul
dbeathomedoi
ngassi
gnments
Me:givehi
m abr eakbr
uh,heal
readyget
senough
ofthatf
rom ut
ata.Thekidi
s20.YouhadLwandiso
at19soheisn'tachil
d

Hedeci destoshuthispi
eholefort
herestoft
he
tr
ip.Whenwegett otheShi
sanyama,t
heguysar e
al
readyt heredr
inki
ng.Weexchangegreeti
ngs
beforesitt
ingdown.Shakai
swi t
hournephew
Endinakho.Theyarethesameageandt heyare
bothtroublemakerswhenitcomestogirl
s
Me:Kuhl
ent
wanayami
Kuhl
e:f
okof.Wher
eareyouhi
dingyour
sel
fwena
mnqundu?EvenontheWhat
sAppgroupyouar
e
mute
Sabel
o:i
yaj
olakal
okl
ekaka
Kuhl
e:ohmakessense.Ntwanahasn' thada
gi
rl
fri
endsi
ncevar
sit
y.Heisstil
lfil
ledwithpuppy
l
ove.Wonwabemahnnt wana,we'veallbeenther
e

Theymakef unofmef oragoodcoupl eofmi nut

es
andi laughwitht hem butI'
m stil
lgoingtogetback
atthem.Theni ghti ssti
llyoung.wedot hisalmost
everymont h,gathertogethereitherasjusttheboys
orwi t
hgi r
lsaswel l.I
tsagr eatwayt ounwind.we'l
l
startgett
ingseriousat30whi chforSabelo,Kuhle,
Lukeandmysel fisnextyear .Themeatar ri
vesand
wedi gin

Oyi
:yest
erdayImetsomeoneandIt
hinkf
oraf
ew
secondsIst
oppedbr
eat
hing
Kuhl
e:yhot
hixo,
nawef
uthi
Me:myhear
tst
oppedbeat
ingt
hef
ir
stdayisaw
Si
mi
Sabelo:hayimaj
it
awhatthefuckist
hisnow?Y'
al
l
arebusytalki
ngli
keabunchofwomenngokand
ni
yadikamahn.Wear eheret
odr i
nkandeatmeat
nottobeonOpr ah

I'
l
ljustwaitf
orhi mtobeni cel
ydrunkthenal
lwe
wil
lhearabouti sThandi.Heli
kesacti
ngallt
ough
hereasifhedoesn'thavehi shear
tbeati
ngfort
hat
gir
l.Wecanal lseethroughhisact

Oyi
:sheist
hemostbeauti
fulwomanI'veeverseen.
Notevenmyexcameclosetothatandy'al
lknow
Angel
aisbeaut
if
ul

Angel
awasOyint
ando'
shighschoolsweetheart
.
Youknowwhentheysayt
hefir
stcutisthedeepest
?
Heknowst hatal
ltoowell
.Hehashadwomenaft
er
theybrokeupbuteveryt
imewegetwast
ed,he
speaksaboutAngela.

Kuhle:al
coholi
sal
sobeauti
fulguys.Givei
tchance,
focusonitanyouwil
lenj
oyitandforgetaboutt
his
soppystuff
.
Luke:It
hinkij
ustsawmybr
otherwal
kinwi
th
Lethut
hando
Me:cal
lthem over
Sabel
o:whoi
sLet
hut
hando?

Ipul lhi
mt owardsmesoicanwhi sperinhisear.I
tellhim andimmediatelyhet ensesup.Thi sisthe
fir
stt i
mewemeett he20yearol dthatPaulleftmy
cousi nfor.Sabel
oandIknowt hatstorybutI'
m not
sur eifKuhleandOyintandoknowi tbecausePaul
andUsi t
handil
e'sr
elat
ionshipwashi ddenf r
om her
brothers.ThecloserPaulandhi syoungt hangget
tous, thetensermybr otherbecomesand
Oyint
andoi
sal
readyonhi
sfeet
.Kuhl
eisj
ust
dr
inki
ngandwatchi
ng

Paul
:gent
s
Luke:heybr
o.HeyThando

Thekidiscut
ebutifeell
ikesheshouldbewit
h
Shakaandthem notdat
inga31yearoldman.
Speaki
ngofShakaandEndi nakho,
theyst
ayed
10minswithusbefor
eleavingtogobewithpeopl
e
thei
rownage

Oyi
:youandyourchi
ldar
enotwel
comeher
e
Paul:Oyibr
uhdon'
tdot
his.Ij
ustcamet
osayhi
to
thegents
Oyi
:I'
m warni
ngyou.l
eavet
hist
abl
ebef
oreImove
youmyself
Kuhl
e:yoowhat
'sgoi
ngonbr
uh?
Heislooki
ngathisolderbr
otherbutOyint
andois
star
ri
ngstrai
ghtatPaulwholooksscared.Myown
brot
herisonhisfeetnowaswel l
.I'
m notget
ti
ng
i
nvolved.i
t'
salr
eady2againstoneandPaulisn't
heretocausetr
ouble

Luke:br
osithoughtwemovedpastt
heUsit
handi
le
thi
ng.weareallf
ri
endsandweneedtoputt
hepast
behindus
Kuhl
e:whatUsi
thandi
let
hing?
Luke:herbr
eakupwi
thPaul

It
hinkKuhlewentsobersametimebecausenowhe
i
sonhi sf
eet.I
'
ml ef
tastheonlyonenotstandi
ng
BecauseLukeisnowinhisbr
other'
scorner.

Kuhl
e:youdat
edmysi
ster
?
Sabelo:notonlyt
hat
,hel
eftherf
ort
hischi
ldhei
s
paradingaround
Paul
:it
hinkishoul
dgetgoi
ng
Kuhl
e:nahmot
herf
uckeri
tst
ool
atef
ort
hat

Idon'tknowwheret
hefistthathi
tPaulcamefrom
butthemomenthefellt
ot heground,hi
sgir
lf
ri
end
star
tedscreami
ngandir osetomyf eet

Me:Kuhl
ebr
uht
hatwasunnecessar
y
Kuhl
e:sayt
hatagai
nwhenani
diotf
uckswi
th
Somil
a

Heisshakingthesamehandt hathepunchedPaul
wit
h.Hedoesn' tevenknowhowt othr
owapr oper
punch.Ishouldhavej ustst
ayedattheapar
tment
wit
hSimi .Ther
ei slessdramathere.
ICANSAVEMYSELF
*
24*
<Sabel
o>
AfterifoundoutaboutThandi '
spregnancy, my
therapysessi onsincr easedto5daysaweak.I
neededt otalkmor e,ineededt obef orcedt o
understandmyemot i
onst owar dsmyl ifeandt he
changeshappeni ngar oundmeandIneededt o
acceptt hethi ngsicannotchange. ..
suchast hef act
thatI'
mt ur
ni ng29i naweek.Imustgi vei tto
Amel i
a, sheknowsherst uffbutIknowist i
llhavea
l
ongwayt ogo.Shehasemphasi sedthatishoul d
sitdownandt al
ktoThandiandt hat'
swher eIam
ri
ghtnow.Shest i
llhasn' tt
oldmeaboutt he
pregnancyandI 'm notgoi ngtoaskher .Apar tof
mewi shesshecoul dj usthaveanabor ti
onwi thout
getti
ngmei nvolved.Iknowi tsselfi
shbuti tishowI
feel

Me:ar
eyouOK?

Shenods.Weareonthecouch,I'
m holdi
ngher
whil
esherest
sherbodyonmi ne.Icanfeelher
hear
tbeati
nghar
dagainstherchestandher
br
eat
hingi
sn'
trel
axed

Me:Ij
ustgotbackf
rom asessi
onwi
thAmel
ia

Shesi
tsup,gi
vesmeawor
ri
edl
ookandIj
ustsmi
le
asIsi
tuptoo

Thandi
:whatdi
dshesay?
Me:wellshesai
dweshoul
dtal
kaboutusandour
f
eeli
ngsforeachot
her
Her
:oh

Sheseemsrel
ievedbythatf
orsomer
eason.I
chooset
oignorethat

Me:I'm att
hatpointi
nmyli
fewhereIwant
somethingsoli
d.Iwantt
oacceptthelovethati
s
giventowardsmeandalsoreci
procat
et hatl
ove.I
wanttobet hebestf
ather,t
hekindoff at
hert
hatI
neededwhi leIwasgrowingup.I '
m atthepoi
nt
whereIknowIal sodeservethefai
rytal
ebuti
haven'treachedthestagewher eIknowhowt o
appreciatelove

Itakeapause.Sighthenl ookather.Shelooksabit
shakenandIhaven'tmi ssedthefactthatshehas
gainedabitofweight.Thet opsheiswearingis
l
oosesoI'm notsurewhet herther
ei sabumpt her
e
yetornot

Me:Iwantt ogi vethisthingat ry.Iwantt obeyour

boyfr
iendbutIneedyout ounder st
andt hatI'
m sti
ll
me.Amel i
amayhel pwi t
ht hepsychol ogicalstuf
f
butI'
m sti
llgoingtobeSabel o.I'
m sti
llgoingtobe
theguythatlikestodomi nateint hebedr oom and
usessexforpuni shment .I '
m stil
lgoingtobet he
guythathatesbei ngliedt o,theguyt hathates
secr
etsandt heguyt hathat esdisobedience.YesI
l
oveyouThandi
Shet urnstolookatmeast ear
srol ldownher
cheeks.idon'tknowwhet heritstearsofjoyorshe's
hurtsoIgi veherthatmoment .Icamet ot
he
real
isationthatIl
oveherwhenIst artedbehavi
ng
l
ikeSambul owhenI '
m ar
oundher .Shemakesme
l
aughandsmi l
ewi t
houteventryi
ng, she
under st
andsme, shelovesmeandshehasbeen
pati
entwi thme.I'
m notgoingt osaysheput sme
beforeherbutIknowshemakesmewantt owor k
onmysel fandbethebettermanf orher

Her
:youl
oveme?
Me:Il
oveyou

Shesighs,
getsupthencomest okneel
infr
ontof
me.I'
m caughtbysurpr
isebutIl
etthewhol
ethi
ng
unf
old

Her
:Remembert
hef
ir
stt
imeyoumadel
ovet
ome?
Inod.Iknowwheret
hisi
sgoi
ngandIcanalr
eady
feelmyheartr
aci
ngandmybrai
nget
ti
ngfuzzy.

Her
:youdi
dn'
tuseacondom and

Shet akesapause.Igetupbutshest ayskneeled

evenaf t
erImoveawayf r
om her.Yesiknowshei s
pregnant,i
tdoesn'tmeanI'veprocessedt hi
s
momentyet .I
tsbeenaboutmeeversi nceIfound
out,howif eelandwhatIwantandnowt he'I
'has
turnedtoweandI '
m notdeali
ngwell.I'
m not
preparedforthis

Her:I'
m pr
egnantSabel
o.Ididn'
twantt otel
lyou
j
ustyetbutthenyoumentionedthatyouhat e
secret
sandbeingli
edtoandt heguil
tjustgotthe
bett
erofme.
Me:doyouwantababywit
hme?Youknowthe
ki
ndofper
sonthatIam.Doyout
hinkI
'
mtheki
ndof
per
sont
ohaveachi
ldwi
th?

I'
m pacingallovertheli
vingroom, I
'
m speaki
ngfast
andmyvoi ceisr ai
sed.I'
m notgoingtosugarcoat
anythi
ng.Iwasal readyscrewedwhenihad
LwandisobutIt houghthewaswhatIneededt oget
bett
er.I
fiwascapabl eoflovi
ngmychi l
d
wholeheart
edlythenmaybeI '
m notsomessedup.I
waswr ong.IusedSneandIusedmyson.

Her:youareworki
ngonyour sel
f.Ibel
ievet
hatthe
personyouhavethepotent
ialtobeisthepersonI
wantt ohaveachi
ldwit
h.You'vemadesomuch
progressSabel
o
Me:pr
ogressformyself.I
'
mt ryingtobet
termysel
f
asanindi
vidualnotasafather.Theti
mingofthi
s
pr
egnancyisoff
Her
:don'
tbl
amemef ort
hiswhenyouar
etheone
t
hatdi
dn'
twearacondom
Me:youal
lowedmet
ohavesexwi
thyouwi
thouta
condom.Youar eagrownwomanThandi ,youknow
thatemer gencycont
racept
ivesexi
standwhatthey
arefor.SoyesIdobl ameyoubecauseyoucould
havepr eventedt
hisbutIal
soblamemysel f
.I
shouldhaveknownbet ter

Thensi l
encef i
ll
st her oom.I'mi nmyowncor ner
andshei snowsi tti
ngont hefloor.Idon'twantt o
beemot ionall
ybl ackmai ledintosomet hingiknow
wil
lfuckwi thmyment alhealth.IloveThandiandi
wantheri nmyl ifebutI '
m notgoi ngt oshareher .I
won'tforcehert ohaveanabor ti
onandIwon' tleave
herpregnantbutIcan' tmaket hepromi sethatI'
llbe
theposterper f
ectf ather.Iknowmysel fandir efuse
toselldreamst ot hewomanIl ove.Afteralong
whil
eofsi lenceshespeaks

Her
:sowhatmustIdo?
Me:dowhatyouwant,
Iwon'tf
ightyouonitbutI
j
ustwant
edtolaymycardsonthetablesothatif
shi
thi
tst
heroofandidon'
ttur
nouttobeboyf r
iend
oftheyearorfat
heroftheyear
,youwi
llknowt
hatI
neverpromisedyouthat
Her:doyout
hinkI
'
mtr
yingt
otr
apyouwi
tht
his
baby?
Me:i
sthatwhatyouar
edoi
ng?

Sheshakesherhead.Thet
houghtnevereven
cr
ossedmymi nd

Me:t
henI
'
m nott
hinki
ngt
hat
.howf
aral
ongar
eyou?
Her
:4mont
hs
Me:thatmeansyou'l
lgi
vebir
thi
nJanuar
y.Ineed
youtobesureaboutthi
sThandi
.wecan'
tboth
scr
ewupani nnocentper
son'
sli
fe
Her:I
'
m notgoi ngtobeabletodot hi
swi thoutyou
Sabel
o.YouknowI '
m asgoodasaper sonwi t
hout
amother,youknowIcan' tr
elyonanyone.Yest hi
s
babyisn'
tplannedbutit
sherenowandi tsourbaby.
YouandI .I'
m notanexpert
,I'
m scared,I
'venever
beeninthisposit
ionandidon'twanttobei nit
al
one.I'
m 27year
sol
dandI
'
m aboutt
obeamot
her
.
Iam scar
ed

Iwantt ot ellhert
hatiwon' tdisappointher,t
hatI'l
l
alwaysshowupf orherandt hisbabybutIcan' t
guarant eet hat
.Iam howeverwi l
li
ngt otr
y.Itwil
l
takemeawhi l
etogetusedt oal lofthi
s,probably
anent i
reyearbutI 'l
leventuallygetthere.Iwaitfor
hertof allasleepbefor
eil eave.RightnowIj ust
needt obeonmyown.Ihaven' tspokentothegent s
sincethatencount erwithPaulsowhenIgetacal l
from Oyi ntando,I
'm abitsurprised

Me:ei
ta
Oyi
:shont
wana,
wher
ear
eyou?
Me:onmywayt
othehouse.why?
Him:passbyher
e.Iwantust
otal
kabout
somethi
ng

Idr
ivet
ohi
shousewi
thal
otofanxi
ety.Ihavet
he
greatestrespectforOyintando.Hei stheol
der
brotherSambul oandIhaveal waysneeded.i
rememberhegaveusourf i
rststashofporn.Mama
obviouslyfoundi tbecausewewer ecarel
ess.When
igettohishouse, heisalr
eadywai ti
ngformeatthe
door.Thewei rdthingaboutusi sthatwear eso
careerdriventhatwef orgetthatweneedsomeone
toshar eallt
hismoneywi th.Oyintandoisadoctor,
hehasamassi vehouse, acoupl eofcarsbuthe
doesn'thaveast ablerelati
onshipnordoeshehave
achi l
d.

Hi
m:youwer
ejustar
oundt
hecor
ner
Me:sor
tof
.What
'sup?
Him:Iwon'tkeepyoulongbutI
'
mjustl
ett
ingyou
knowthatSambulo'sgir
lf
ri
endi
spl
anni
ngapar t
y
foryouguys.Asurpri
sewhatwhat

Isi
gh.Ohlor
d.Ishoul
dhaveseent hiscomi
ng.I
don'
tli
kesur
pri
ses,Sambulodoesn'taswel
lbut
becausei
twil
lbeasurpr
isepull
edof fbySi
mli
ndil
e,
hewi
llf
orgett
hat

Him:Isuggestedthatshehasi
there.Adinnertype
ofthingbecauseyouguysaregrown,wecan'tbe
havingthevolumeona100andgqom pl ayi
ngf or
thewholeofDur bantohear
Me:sheishavi
ngithere?Andyouagr
eed?Heck
youevensuggest
edit,
what'sgoi
ngon

Hechuckl
est
henhi
tsmyshoul
derl
ight
ly

Hi
m:ihavemyownagendas.Remembert
heGi
rli
t
oldyouguysabout
?
Me:no
Him:Sambulowouldr emember.AnywayIdidsome
di
ggingandturnsoutsheisSimli
ndile'
ssist
er.I
f
Siml
indi
lehasthedinnerher
e,i
twillgivemethe
fr
eedom tot
alktohersist
er.
ICANSAVEMYSELF
*
25*
<Sl
indi
le>
Asimakemywayoutt hehouset ocat chat axito
wor k,
Ial readyf eel t
ir
ed.Ni ghtshiftdoest hattoa
person, youcoul dsleepal ldaybutt her eal
ityof
goingt owor kwhi l
eever yonei scomi ngbackf rom
wor kjustdr ainsyou.I '
mi nmyf ullnurse'suniform,
uglykittenheel sandmar oonwool enjersey
i
ncluded.I t
'sthemi ddl
eofAugustsobestbel ieve
thatwi nterisinf ullswing.Itsalreadyst art
ingt oget
darkwhenawhi t
equant um par ksi nf
rontofme.I '
m
j
ustgl adi tisn'toneoft hoset axiswher eyouhave
tocloset hedoorasi fyouar eopeni ngi t

"
Ngenaphambi
lisi
s,i
gcwel
eimot
o"

Igruntasiopenthepassengerdoorandhopi n.We
al
lknowwhatsi t
ti
nginfrontinataximeans.You
automati
call
ybecomethet axidr
iver
'saccountant
anditseasyift
hetaxif
areisin5sor10sbuti t
costsR12togettowhereI'm goi
ng.Themoney
start
sbeingpassedforwardandidon'
tevenbot
her
l
isteni
ngtothesepeopletel
li
ngme" si
bawu3ku
R50"andalltheothernonsenset
heyaresayi
ng.I
turntothedr
iver

Me:howmuchi
syourmoneyi
ntot
al?
Hi
m:R180

Igivehim hisR180,takemyR3changeandpass
theresttotheback.Theywi llsortthemselvesout.
Ofcour setheymoanandgr oanbutIdon' tbother
tur
ningar ound.Therestofthet axiri
deisjustfi
ne,
nodr ama.Iaskt ogetoffatthecor nerofthe
hospitalbutbecausethedriverishumanandhe
seest hati
tsdark,hedropsmeatt hegateoft he
hospital

Me:t
hankyou

Thesmi
leIgi
vehi
misgenui
neandhesmi
lesback.
Thisisnott hest artofsomet hing, Imi ghtnotbe
ri
chorwhatnotbutt axidriversar enotmyt ype.It
s
notaboutt hej obt heydo, I
'm notl ooki ngdownon
thatbuti t
'st hewayt heyar eal ljustwhor es.They
mackonever ythi
ngwi thavagi na.Yesnotal lof
them buthaisukamostoft hem ar ewhor es.I'
ma
nurseandIabsol utelylovemyj ob,Icoul dhave
beenadoct orbutIl ovemysani ty.Allt hoset hick
books, yearsofschoolandst r essar enotf orme.I
needt of i
ndt i
mei nt hemi dstofever ythi ngtof i
tin
a6packofSavannah.Af tercl ocki ngi n, iheadt othe
cafeter
iaf oracupofcof fee, I'
m abi tcol dandmy
energyl evelsar eonzer o

"
Weneedt
ost
opmeet
ingl
iket
his"

Thatvoice.I
t'
sthesexi estthi
ngI '
veeverheard.It
s
deep,i
tssmoot handi tsthekindofvoicethatcan
dampenyourpant ies.IturnaroundandIcan' thelp
thesmil
et hatappearsonmyf ace.Thi
smani sa
god,t
hechocol at
eski n,thenicelytr
immedbear d,
themuscul
arar
msandt
hoseeyes.Thi
sguyi
s
ever
ythi
ng

Hi
m:idon'
tthi
nkyougavemeachanceto
i
ntr
oducemyselft
hel
astt
imeIsawyou
Me:whatar
eyoudoi
ngher
e?

Welli
tsastupidquest
iont
oaskconsideri
ngt
hathe
i
swear i
ngawhi t
ecoatandthestet
hoscopei
s
hangi
ngonhi sneck.I
'
veworkedatthi
shospi
talf
or
3yearsandI'
venevercomeacrossthi
sguybefor
e

Him:Iwor
kher
e.I
'
mthenewcar
diol
ogi
st.I
'
ma
hear
tdoct
or

Hesaysthatwithasmirk.I
'
mt akenbyt
hisguy,
I
won'
tevenhideit.Hei
sjustsodamnsexyand
qui
techarming
Me:ohI
'
m Sl
indi
leMt
hembu.I
'
m anur
seher
e
Him:NicetomeetyouSl i
ndi
le,
I'
m
Oyint
andoyenkosiHadebebutever
yonecal
lsme
Oyint
ando
Me:Icani
magi
ne.Yournamei
squi
teamout
hful
.
Hi
m:mi
ndi
fIj
oinyouf
orcof
fee?

Ishakemyheadandwebot hsitdownaf tergett

ing
ourcof f
ee.Idon'tevenr emembert hel asttimei
entertai
nedaguyl ongenoughf orhi mt oaskf ormy
number .Betweenwor ki
nghere,t akingcar eofmy
mot herandspendi ngt i
mewi t
hmyyoungersi ster,
wher ewouldIf i
ndt hetime?Mymot herhadme
whenshewas28, t
hesameageIam r ightnowand
shehadmysi sterSiml i
ndil
e2year sl ater.Ourfather
wasneverpr esenti nourli
ves,hei sn'tdead.Hei s
verymuchal ive,mar r
iednowandt akingcar eofhis
family.Wedon' tknowmuchabouthi m because
mamadoesn' tsaymuchbutper sonal l
yIcoul dn't
carelessaboutsomeonet hatdoesn' tcar eaboutme.
Oyi
ntando:t
ellmeaboutyour
sel
f
Me:whatdoyouwantt
oknow.
Hi
m:ever
ythi
ng
Me:t
herei
sn'
tenought
ime.Ihavet
ogett
owor
k.
Myshif
thasst
art
ed
Hi
m:let'smaket i
met hen.I'
minter
est
edi
nyou
Sl
indi
le.I'
m notgoingtohidethat
Me:hmm

Heget supasIgetupaswel l
.Sayi
ngyouar e
i
nterestedinmecouldmeananyt hingandbeating
aroundt hebushandgoingonsill
ylit
tl
edateswhile
tr
yingtof i
gureouti
fwelikeeachotherornotisn'
t
myt hi
ng.Idon'thavet
imef ori
t

Hi
m:socanwemaket
imef
ori
t?
Me:nah,
I'
llpass.I
'
llseeyouar
oundDrHadebe.I
havet
ogettowor k
Heopenshi smout hasi ftosaysomet hingbuthe
stopshi msel f,smilest hennods.Icanf eelhi seyes
onmeasIwal koutoft hecaf eteriabutIdon' tdare
turnaround.Hedoesn' tneedt oknowt heef fecthe
hasonme.Noguyhasgi venmesuchgoosebumps
sincecol l
ege.Myl astboyf ri
endandIbr okeup
4yearsago.Igotpr egnantonmyl astyearof
coll
egeandwewer ehappy.Mar ri
aget alkswer e
beingt hrownar oundandwewer eexcitedaboutour
bundleofj oy.Ourhappi nesswasshor tlivedwhen
ourdaught erdied3daysaf terigavebi rth.Iwas
angryandhur tandIt ookal loft hatoutonhi m.I
wasqui ckt oforgett hathewashur ti
ngt oo, thatthe
chil
dt hathaddi edwasal sohi schi l
d.Iendedi twith
him,Ineededt obeonmyownanddealwi tht his
withouthi m hover ingme.Myl if
est oodst i
llfor
25mont hsaf terIlostmychi l
d.Idi dn'twantt omove
on,Iwant edmybabybackandIt hinkIwentcr azy
j
ustabi tdur i
ngt hatt ime.Igott hroughi tthough
becauseher eIam t odaymovi ngonwi thmyl i
fe.By
thetimei ts6am, iwantnot hi ngmor ethant ojust
getinmybedandsl eep.Atl eastt hi
swasmyl ast
nightshi f
t.DrHadebef i
ndsmechi l
li
ngatr ecept i
on.
I
'
m waiti
ngf
ort
hesunt
ocomeupsoIcanwal
kto
t
hetaxir
ank

Oyi
ntando:goodmor
ning,
howwasyourshi
ft
?
Me:morni
ng.I
twasalongone.I'
l
lprobabl
yfal
l
asl
eepi
nthetaxi
.That
'showti
redIam
Hi
m:letmedropyouoff
.Icanpromiseyou,mycar
i
salotmorecomfor
tabl
ethantheseatsofataxi
Me:Il
iveeMl
azi
.Ar
eyousur
e?
Hi
m:yeah.Come

Heisri
ght
,theselett
erseatsar
etr
ulycomfort
able
andthewayhekeepsaski ngmequesti
ons,Idoubt
I'
m goi
ngtofal
lasleep

Me:whatcari
sthi
s?
Hi
m:Mer
cedesBenzs63AMGcoupè
Me:i
t'
sni
ce
Hechuckl
es.Idon'tknowwhyIaskedbecauseI
don'
tknowthediff
erencebet
weenaBenzanda
BMW unti
lIseethelogo

Hi
m:doyoul
ikei
t?
Me:yes.looksexpensi
vet
houghsoIknowican'
t
af
fordit
Hi
m:i
tsnott
hatbad.

Ofcoursehewi l
lsayt hat,I
'm sur
ehehast hem in
al
lcoloursoft herainbowpar kedinhi
sgar age.I
t'
s
i
mpossi bletomi ssthatt hi
sguyiswealthy.Noti
ce
howIdi dn'tsayheisr ich?Thereisadif
ference.
Lookitup.whenwegett omyst r
eet
,Ishowhi m
wheretopar kandt hecarst ops

Me:t
hankyouf
ort
her
ide
Hi
m:noneedt
othankme.Ar
eyouonni
ghtshi
ft
agai
ntoday?
Me:nah.I
'
m of
funti
lTuesdayandt
hat
'swhenI
'
ll
st
artmydayshi
ft
Hi
m:enj
oyyourdaySl
indi
le
Me:yout
oo

Igetoutt hecarandwal khomesl owl y.Thecar

doesn'tmoveunt ilI
'mi nsidethehouse.I '
m hungr y
butI'
m alsot iredandl azy.Mymot herisatwor k,
sheiscount i
ngdownt heyear sunt i
lsher eti
res.
Just4mor e.Sheisasoci alwor ker.Wear eabunch
ofeducat edwomeni nt hisfami ly.Socialwor ker,
teacherandanur se.Whoneedsamanwhenyou
haveadegr eeandaj ob?That 'swhatmymot her
usedt otellusandIbel ievedherbutSi mihadher
headi nt
hecl ouds.Shei sst
ubbor ntoo,that'
swhy
shemar riedatsuchayoungage.If allasleepont he
couchwhi l
ewat chingt hemor ningnews.Af tera
coupleofhour s,t
hecouchget suncomf ortableand
Igot obed.Ineverst ruggl etosl eep,Ienjoyi t.My
bodyneedsr elaxati
on.Iwor ktoohar d.WhenIwake
up,i
t'snotwi
ll
ingl
ybuti
t'
sduetot
hesoundofmy
ri
ngingphone.Igr
untasisear
chf
ori
tinmy
handbagthat'
sonthefl
oor

Me:Si
mi
Si
mi:heyar
eyousl
eepi
ng?
Me:notanymor
e.Whatdoyouwant
?

I
'mtr
ulyannoyedwit
hherri
ghtnow.SheknowsI
wasWorki
ngallni
ghtsothi
scalli
sn'
twel
comed

Her:aski
es.Ineedhel
pwit
hthet wi
ns'bi
rthday.I
havethevenuebutnowIcan'
tfindcater
ing.Idon'
t
wantomamabeSoci et
yfort
his.Ineedwhitepeople
Me:butI
'
m sl
eepi
ngSi
mli
ndi
le
Her:pl
ease.Thedi
nneri
sinj
ustover48hr
s.I
'
m ata
cr
isisher
e
ICANSAVEMYSELF
*
26*
<Si
mli
ndi
le>
Todayi stheday.Ihaven'tseent hebirt
hdayboys
todayandSambul ohasbeencal li
ngmeever y
30mi ns.Hepr obabl
yt hi
nksIf orgotabouthisday
sinceIhaven'tsaidHappybi r
thday.Heneedst o
relax,t
hedayi sfarfrom overandhei sdefinit
ely
goingtol ovememor eaftertoday.It
s12h05when
Shakapi cksmeupf ortheflat,heismydesi gnat
ed
driverforthedayandIdon' tmi ndbecauseweget
alongqui tewell

Shaka:what
sourf
ir
stst
op?
Me:weneedtopi
ckupmysisterfr
om eMl
aziand
t
henheadtogat
eway.Usi
thandil
eandJessi
cawil
l
meetust
here

Mysist
erisal
laboutsuppor
ti
ngblackbusinesses
sowhenitol
dherIwantwhitecat
erers,
shef ound
meblackpeopl
ethatcancookwester
nf oodwell.
Weevenwentf oratastingjustsoIknowwhatI '
m
payingfor.Ihavesomucht odoi naspaceof
5hoursbecauset hedinnerstart
sat7pm andI'm
goingtoneed2hour stogetr eady.Wepickupmy
si
sterandshei sfascinatedwithShaka.Iswearthe
poorchildisswimmi nginembar rassment

Sl
i:t
hisi
sSambul
o'sl
it
tl
ebr
other
?
Me:yesl
eavemybabyal
one
Sli
:whoareyourpar ent
s?I'
mj ustcuri
ousbecause
youandyourbrothersarenotfrom thi
splanet
.Ist
il
l
don'tl
iket
hatSabelo,heannoysme

Shegruntswhi
leShakaandIshar
eal
augh.He
real
lyi
sthecut
estthi
ng

Shaka:mypar
ent
swi
llbeatt
hedi
nner
Me:andyoubet
ternotembarrassmeSlindi
le.Don'
t
bedemandi
ngSavannahalloverthepl
ace
Sli
:Iwon'
tdemanditi
fyoumakesurei
tst
her
e.we
canevenpouri
tinachampagnegl
ass
Me:Igi
veuponyou

Sheconti
nuest hrowingquestionsatShakauntilwe
gett
oGat eway.Someoft hosequesti
onswer equit
e
i
nappropri
atebutmysi sterisalwaysinappropr
iat
e.
Myphoner ingsthemomentwest epoutofthecar,
i
tsSambul o.Iactual
lymisshim now, Ihaven'
tseen
hi
m sinceyesterday

Me:hel
lol
over

Ihearhi
mlaughi
ngsof
tl
yandIsmi
le

Sambul
o:wher
ear
eyou?Imi
ssyou
Me:I
'
mfi
ne,
howar
eyou?
Hesi
ghs

Hi
m:babyst
opt
ort
uri
ngme.Ineedt
oseeyou
Me:I
'
m notavai
labl
eri
ghtnow.I
'
m busy
Hi
m:oh

Hesoundshurtbuthewil
lhavet
osoldi
eron.Ineed
t
hist
obeanact ualsur
pri
seandifi
tmeansIhave
t
obemeanf oritt
ogettheret
henIwil
lbemean

Me:don'
tsul
k
Hi
m:mxm youar
emean.Bye

Il
augh.t
hedramathoughbutar
gmanhei
ssocut
e
whenheissul
king

Me:I
'l
lseeyout
onight
.Ipr
omise.Youcanpi
ckme
upat6andwe'l
lgograbMcDonald'
sorsomet
hing
Hi
m:McDonal
d's?Onmybi
r.
..WhyMcDonal
d's?
Me:youlovet
heiri
cecream andI
'
m makingitupt
o
youforbei
ngbusy.Ihavet
ogo.We'l
ltal
klat
er
Hi
m:f
ine.Il
oveyou
Me:Iknow

I'
m planni
ngontell
inghimtonightIlovehimtoo.
I'
vefall
ensodeeplyinl
ovewi t
hhi mt hathi
s
happinesshasbecomemyhappi ness.Ican'
t
expl
ainitbutmyheartisbehavingdiffer
entl
ywit
h
hisl
ovef l
owingf
rom it
.
Usit
handi
leandJessjoi
nusaswesi tdownfor
l
unch.Ineedtot
ryandkeepthese3alcohol
ics
soberunt
ilt
hedi
nner.IknowI'
m goi
ngtofai
lbutI
'
ll
diet
ryi
ng

Usi
:Ii
nvi
tedmymant
othedi
nner
Jess:di
dyoui
nvi
tehi
swi
feaswel
l
?
Usithandi
legi
vesherameanl ookandJessj
ust
shrugshershoulder
s.It
'stooear
lyf
ordramasoI
decidetochangethetopic

Me:Sambul
otel
lsmet
hatyourbr
otherbeatupyour
ex

Shehisses,downshergl
assofj
uicebef
orecal
li
ng
thewait
ressovertoourt
abl
e

Usi
:mayIhaveabot
tl
eofmer
lot
?
Me:Usi
thandi
le!
Usi:onebot
tl
ebetweenthe4ofusisn'
tgoi
ngt
o
fuckupyourper
fectdi
nnersor
elax

Thewai
tr
essdi
sappear
swhi
leI
'
mlef
twi
thmy
mouthwi
deopen.Wowza
Usi:Kuhl
edidn'
thavetodothat.I
twas
unnecessar
yandnowever yt
hingreachedmydad
andhewant stoki
llt
hewhiteboy
Jess:good.heshoul
dki
llhi
m andt
hatchi
ldofhi
s.
Sli
:hewasj
ustt
ryi
ngtoprotectyou.Youshoul
dbe
happyt
ohaveanolderbr
otherthatcar
esaboutyou
Usi
:hei stheyoungest
.I'm 2year
solderthanhim.
Him andOyintandoareanight mar
etodealwi t
h.I
l
ovet hem butIcan'
tStandhowover pr
otecti
vethey
ar
e

I'
m sti
llshockedbythewaysher espondedt ome
butafterawhi l
eideci
detoletitgo.Idon' tneed
negativi
tyaroundmerightnow.Whent hebottl
e
arr
ives,theyallgof
oritasi
fitsthel astbottl
eon
theplanet

Sl
i:t
hel
agi
rl
.Fi
llupt
hegl
ass
Me:youdon'
tfi
llupawi
negl
ass
Sl
i:doyouwantmet
owal
koutofher
eandcome
backnengudu?

Whydot hesepeoplekeepthrowingshadeatme?
Theyar ebehavingasifbeingsoberhurtst
heir
bodies.Theyallfil
lupthei
rglassesandtherei
s
barelyanywinel ef
tforme.Nott hatiwant
edit
anyway

Sli
:let
srewi
ndabi
t.Usi
thandi
lewhati
syour
surname?
Usi
:Hadebe
Sl
i:oht
hixo!Andwhatar
eyourbr
other
s'names?
Usi
:why?
Me:Oyi
ntandoandKuhl
e

Slidownsherglassofwine,pourstheli
tt
lebitt
hat
wasl ef
tinthebott
leanddownst hattoobefore
resti
ngherheadont hetabl
e.I'
m passedgetti
ng
embar r
assedbytheseidiot
s.Myphoner ings,i
ts
theshopI 'm get t
ingSambul o'swat chengr aved.
Theyar edoneandbecausei tscloseby, Ileavemy
sister'sdr amaandgocol l
ectthewat ch.Itsamat te
blackwat chwi thacyanbl ueface.Att hebacki ts
wr i
tten" I'
llloveyouunt i
ltheendoft i
me" .i
t snotas
expensi veasal ltheot herwat chesheownsbutt his
i
st heonl yonewi thamessage.IgotSabel oat ie
withhi si niti
alsembr oideredoni t
.hewi l
lhaveno
choi cebutt ol i
kei tbecauseidon' tknowhi m wel l
enought ogethi m asent iment algif
t.Whenir et
urn
tother estaur ant,Usithandi l
elooksconst ipated,
Jessi cai slaughi ngherl ungsoutandSl iisdr i
nking.
Whydoisur r
oundmysel fwi t
ht hesepeopl e?Ineed
Thandi

Me:what
'
sgoi
ngon?
Jess:yoursi
sterhasacr
ushonUsi
thandi
le'
s
brot
her
Me:Idon'
thavet
heenergyfort
his.Canweleave,
I
needtodomyhairandgetadressfort
oni
ght
Jess:anddoyournai
ls
Isi
deeyeherandshecont
inuesl
aughi
ng

Usi
:Idon'
tthi
nkI
'
m st
rongenought
ogetup
Me:Idon'
tcar
e,cr
awli
fyouhavet
obutwear
e
l
eavi
ng
_
__
Theonlyreasonisur
vivedt
heaft
ernoonwithout
l
osingmymi ndisbecauseI'
m aChri
sti
an.Sambulo
arr
ivesat6pm,heisi
nasuit.Whyishei nasuit
whenhedoesn'tknowwherewear egoing?

Sambul
o:youl
ookamazi
ngbabe

I'
mi nar edofftheshoulderl
ongdresswi t
hasl it
thatreachesmyt high.Myweavei sti
edinalow
bunandmymakeupi sonpoi
nt.Heisri
ght,Ilook
andf eelamazing.Ilovesexyandreveal
ingclothes
becauset heycompl i
mentmybodyshape.Iwas
depri
vedofwear
ingsuchclot
hesforyear
sandnow
thatI
'
mf r
eeagai
n,I'
m nothol
dingback

Me:whyar
eyoui
nasui
t?
Hi
m:aft
erouricecr
eam dat
e,t
hegent
sandIar
e
hi
tt
ingt
hestr
ipclub
Me:t
hewhat
?Noyouar
enot
Hi
m:Iam.Theydidn'
tfor
gett
hatit
smybirt
hday
t
odayandt
heyarenottoobusyforme.Hol
dup,
whyar
eyoualldr
essedupforicecr
eam?
Me:I'
m al
sogoi
ngtothestr
ipcl
ub.Wehavetoget
i
cecream vi
adr
ivet
hrubecauseIdon'
twantt
obe
l
ate

Heseemsgenuinelyhurtbutuzobastrong.Hemust
j
ustt
onedownt hedramaabi tandal lwillbewell
.
Wegeticecr
eam atMcDonal d'
sthenit ellhi
mt ogo
t
oOyint
ando'splacebecauseUsithandileiswait
ing
f
ormethere
Sambulo:babeareyouser
iousl
ynotgoi
ngt
osay
happybir
thdaytome?
Me:wheni
syourbi
rt
hdaykant
ibaby?I
sitnot
t
omorrow?
Hi
m:mxm

Heparkst
hecar,doesn'
tbot
herget
ti
ngoutand
j
udgi
ngbyt hel
ookonhisface,
hewantsmeaway
f
rom hi
m asinyest
erday

Me:ar
eyounotgoi
ngi
n?
Hi
m:Siml
indi
legot
oyourf
ri
endandl
eavemeal
one
pl
ease
Me:hayihawucomesayhitoUsithandil
efirstt
hen
I'
l
lleaveyoual
oneandI'
m sor
ry.Ireal
lythought
yourbir
thdayi
stomor
row

Hegroansaswebot hgetoutthecar.Ihol
dhi
s
handandheloosensupabi tbutiknowheisst
il
l
madatme.Iknockt
wiceonthedoorthenopeni
t
butbef
orewewalki
n,ist
opandlookathim

Me:happybi
rt
hdaybaby.Il
oveyou

Hest
aresatmewi t
hadumbst
ruckl
ookasipul
l
hi
mintothehouse

Hi
m:whatdi
dyo-

JusttheneveryoneScr eamshappybi rt
hdayandhe
freaksoutabit.Hewassupposedt owal kinwit
h
SabelobutThandi'
spr egnancybr ai
nletitsl
ipabout
thisdinner
.TurnsoutOyi ntandohadalreadytol
d
myman' scol
dheartedt winanyway.
ICANSAVEMYSELF
*
27*
<Sambul
o>
Iam mor esurpr
isedaboutwhatSi mijustsai
dmore
thanIam aboutthisdinnerpart
y.I'
m standi
ng
frozenatthedoorwayt r
yingtoprocesswhetherI
heardherproperlyorIjusthear
dwhatI '
vealways
want edt
ohearfrom her

Oyi
:areyoujustgoi
ngtost
andt
herethewhol
e
ni
ghtorareyougoingt
ocomecloser
Me:ei
shI
'
m comi
ng.Pl
easegi
vemeamoment

Iwal
kin,pul
lSimit
othesi
deandhersneakysel
fis
smil
ingf
rom eart
oear

Si
mi:happybi
rt
hdaybaby
Me:youdi
dthi
s?

Shenods.Shei
sst
il
lsmi
li
ng
Me:f
orme?

Shel
aughs

Her
:yesf
oryou.I
tisyourbi
rt
hdaynj
e
Me:yousai
dyoul
oveme
Her
:yesIdi
d
Me:youl
oveme?

Justt
henSabelocomestoushol dingThandi'
s
handandbecauseofthedressshei sweari
ng,her
babybumpisquitevi
sibl
e.Sheisevenglowingand
mybrotherl
ookshappy.I
'm annoyedthatheis
di
stur
bingusthough

Sabel
o:happybi
rt
hdaynt
wanayami
Me:whywer
eyounotpar
toft
hesur
pri
se?
Sabel
o:becauseI
'
m ol
dert
hanyou.Sur
pri
separ
ti
es
ar
eforchi
ldr
en

Ofcour semyt wi
nbrotherwouldsayt hat
.He
genuinelythinksheisolderthanmeandI 'm done
tr
yingtot eachhim whatthewor dt
wi nsactuall
y
means.IhugThandiwhi leSabelohugsSi mi.Isti
ll
can'tbeli
eveshesai dshelovesme.Idon' teven
careaboutmybi rt
hdayanymor eorthisdinner,I
j
ustwantt obealonewi t
hhersoshecankeep
sayingitoverandoveragai n

Thandi
:guysst
opbei
ngr
ude,
comej
oinever
yone

Myf ami l
yisher
e, myf r
iendsarehereandasmuch
asI'm notafanofsur pri
ses,I
'm happySimididthi
s
forus.Igrabtwogl assesofchampagnef rom t
he
waiter,handonetoSi mithenplacemyhandonher
l
owerbackasIescor thertotheloungewhere
everyoneisseated.Mypar entsarebeing
i
nappr opri
ateasusual ,
busykissingal
loverthe
place
Sl
i:Ij
ustcheckedwi
tht
hecat
erer
sanddi
nnerwi
ll
bereadyinafewminut
es
Me:for
getdinner
,canwetal
kabouthowyou
haven'
tsai
dhappybirt
hdayt
ome?

Shesmi
les,
comest
owar
dsmet
hengi
vesmeahug

Sl
i:happybir
thdaysbari
.Idi
dn'
tseeyouguyswal
k
i
n.Wer eyousurpr
ised?
Me:nah,
I'
mtoool
dfort
hat
Oyi
:hef
rozeatt
hedoor

Heisal
sonownextt ome, abi
ttooclosetoSl
ibutI
i
gnoret
hevibe.Heislooki
ngatherasi fshei
sthe
onl
ypersoni
nt heroom.I'
veneverseenOyint
ando
l
ookatawomanl i
kethi
s.
Sl
i:excuseme

Shewalksawayaf t
erl
aughi
ngatmeand
Oyint
ando'
seyesfoll
owherunt
ilshei
soutofthe
room.Siminudgesmeanditur
nt opl
aceapeckon
herli
ps

Me:Il
oveyou
Si
mi:Il
oveyout
oo

Ismi
leandshej
ustgi
ggl
esandshakesherhead

Me:sayi
tagai
n
Her
:hayihawu
Me:i
tsmybir
thdaybaby,
itsacur
set
osaynot
o
someoneont
heirbi
rt
hday
Her:youar
esoext
ra.Il
oveyou.Il
oveyouSambul
o.
Il
oveyou
Thenshewal ksawayl eavingmesmi lingli
kean
i
di ot.Whendi nnerisready, weheadt othetableand
sitdown.I 'm si t
ti
ngbet weenSi miandSabel oand
Thandii snextt oSabelo.Nextt oSi miisSliandnext
toheri sJessi caandUsi thandilethennextto
Usi t
handilet hereisanopenseat .Iwonderwho
hasn' tar
rived.Ther eisal soanopenseatnextt omy
dadaswel lbutonhi sot hersidei smama.Wehave
thest art
ersandt heconver sationisbrewing

Dad:boysIhaveasur
pri
sef
oryou
Sabel
o:f
ir
stl
ywearemenandsecondl
ywear
etoo
ol
dforsurpr
ises
Mama:youwi
llneverbet
oool
dfort
hisone

Dadgetsupandheadst ooneofthebedr
ooms.
Ever
yonehasturnedandthei
reyesaregl
uedon
hi
m.Af ewminuteslat
erhewalksouthol
dingmy
gogo'
sarm.SabeloandIgetupatthesametime
andr
usht
ot hem.Nothingcantopt
his.Tohavethi
s
womanpr
esenttoday,asoldassheisandsti
ll
l
ooki
ngcl
assyiseveryt
hingtome

Gogo:youguysar
est
il
lfi
ght
ingoverme.Atsuch
ol
dage
Sabel
o:Ican'
tbel
ieveyouar
eher
e
Gogo:youdi
dn'
tthi
nkI'
dmi
ssmyboys'
bir
thday
di
nnernowdidyou?Comegi
vemeahug
Me:mef
ir
st
Sabel
o:I
'
m ol
dersomef
ir
st
Me:dawgyouarenotol
derandIgott
ogogof
ir
st
NotyousoI
'l
lhugherfi
rst

Weendeduphavi ngagrouphugbetweent he3of

us.Ilovethi
swomansomuchandIwi l
lneverst
op
bei
ngappr eci
ati
veofeveryt
hingshedi
df orus.
Everyonehadtomoveseat sbecausewewantgogo
tositbetweenus
Mama:youguysar
esuchbi
gbabi
es
AuntAbongs:Idon'
tbl
amet
hem,Iloveaunt
ieLwa
t
oo.I'
m eventemptedt
omoveseat
s
Uncl
eLi
:andl
eavemeal
one?

AuntAbongiweroll
shereyeswhi l
euncleLimile
start
ssulki
ng.I
'
m gladtobesur r
oundedbyso
muchl oveandpeoplet
hatloveme.Icouldn'thave
askedforabett
erwaytocelebratemybirt
hday.My
handgoesonSi mi'
sthi
ghandIgi veitagentle
squeezewhilel
ooki
ngather .Sheisbusytal
kingto
Slibutthemomentshefeel
smyhand, sheturns
aroundandsmiles

Me:t
hankyouf
ort
his
Simi:noneedt
othankme.Ij
ustwantyout
obe
happy
Me:I
'
m happy.Ir
eal
lyam happybaby
Ourmomenti sdist
urbbyt hedoorbel l
,ithi
nkone
ofthewai t
ersgetsthedoorandaf ewsecondsl at
er
aguyI '
venevermetbef orewalksin.Usi t
handi
le
standsupandgoest ohim.Icanal readyseehow
uncomf ort
ableuncleLi
mileisrightnowbutaunt
Abongiwei str
yingtocalm him down.Oyi nt
ando's
eyesfollowthisguyunti
lhesitsdown

Kuhl
e:andwhoi
sthi
s?

Wear eal
latt
hetabl
eexceptmypar ent
s.Theyare
probabl
ygett
ingupt
onogoodsomewher e.The
atmospher
ehaschangedabit,
itssuddenlyqui
te
tense

Usi:t
hisi
smyman.Si
mbonge,
babyt
hisi
smy
famil
y

Shei
ntr
oducesever
yoneanduncl
eLi
mil
eget
sup
AuntAbongs:uyaphi
?
Uncl
eLi
:ineedadr
inkandf
reshai
r
Usi:dadI
'
m 30year
sol
d,youcan'
tst
il
lbe
uncomfor
tabl
ewithmedati
ng

UncleLimil
ejustwalksaway.Whati saSmi th
gatheri
ngwithoutanydr amat hough?Thisguyhas
madeever ymaleatt hi
st abl
euncomf ort
ablebut
thefemalesareallaboutgetti
ngt oknowhim.Ion
theotherhandam mi ssi
ngmygi rl
fr
iend.Sheis
nexttomebutImi ssher.

Gogo:doyouboyswantmet
odi
ewi
thoutmeet
ing
yourwives?
Sabel
o:wi
ves?YhogogoI
'
mtooyoungt
othi
nk
aboutt
hat
Gogo:r
ubbish.youareal
most30.Youwantt
opl
ay
womenlikeyourfat
herdi
d?
Me:maybehedoesbutI
'vef
oundt
hegi
rlf
orme
andIwi
llmar
ryhersomeday
Gogo:somedaybet
tercomesoon.I
'
m notget
ti
ng
anyyounger
.

Mygogoi sjustover80year sol

dnowandshei s
rightbutitsnoteasyt oacceptthatonedayshej ust
won' tbehereanymor e.I
ttookalongti
mef ormet o
comet otermswi t
hthedeat hofmkhulu.My
par entsevent
uallycomebackwi t
huncleLi,ican
tellthatdadislaughingathim butthemoment
mama' seyeslandonUsi t
handi
le'
smanshef reezes

Dad:ar
eyouOKnanazi
?
Mama:l
ook

Dadlooksattheguyandevenhest opsinhist
racks.
Simbongeisnowshift
inguncomfortabl
y.Therest
ofusarejustconf
used,Usi
thandi
leincl
uded
Dad:Si
mbonge?Whatt
hehel
l?
Me:youguysknowhi
m?
mama:t
hat
'
sMbal
i'
shusband

Hereisthethingaboutmyf ami l
y,it
shuge.Ast he
ki
ds,wedon' tknowever yonei nit
.Weknowt he
namesbutt heonest hatdon' tl
iveinthisci
ty,we
don'
tknowmanyoft heirfaces.Mbal ii
smama' s
si
ster
.Wewer e14whenshegotmar r i
edandshe
movedaf t
erthat.Idon'tevenr ememberher ,i
t's
been15yearssoofcour seiwasn' tgoingtoknow
herhusband.Mamavi sitsthem everynowandt hen

AuntAbongs:Usi
thandi
le
Usi
:ma
AuntAbongs:amarr
iedmansisi
?Youdecidet
o
br
ingamar r
iedmantoyourf
amily?I
sthi
ssome
ki
ndofasickjoke
Usi
:hemakesmehappymama
Mama:heisn'
tyours.Whil
ehei smaki
ngyouhappy,
whoismakinghiswifehappy?AndwenaSimbonge?
Youarecheat
ingonmysi ster
.
Si
mbonge:looksi
sGuguIdi
dn'
tknowt
hatyouand
Usi
thandi
leknoweachot
her
Dad:andt
hatexcusesyoucheat
ingonyourwi
fe?
Wit
hmyni ece.

Thisisreal
lygoi
ngtogetugly.Uncl
eLi
milei
ssuper
saiyanwiththetemper
,hi
m andmydadandt hen
thereisOyint
andoandSabelointhemi
x.Theyar
e
goingtokil
lthi
sguy

Me:br
uhyamiit
hinki
tsbestyoul
eave
Oyi
:iagr
eewit
hSambulo.Ir
eall
ydon'
twantt
oKi
ll
youandyoubet
terst
ayt
hehellawayf
rom my
si
ster
Usi
:Oyi
ntandoyoucan'
tdi
ctat
emyl
if
e
Shestandsupaswellwhi
chshockst
hel
ivi
ng
dayl
ight
soutofherf
ather

UncleLi :Iwoul dshutt hefuckupifIwereyou.Fi rst

i
twast hatwhi teboy, thent heonenightstandwi th
oneoft het eacher satyourschoolandnowyou
bringamar ri
edmanher e.Knowingverywell heis
mar r
ied.Iwon' tt ouchont hedisr
espectyou've
shownusasyourel dersbutwher ethefuckist he
respectf oryour self
?Whenar eyougoingtost art
usingyourbr aininsteadofopeni ngyourlegsf or
everythingwi thapeni s?

Usi
thandi
lelowersherhead.Thathi
thome,
event
o
meandhei sn'
ttal
kingtome

UnclesLi:I
'
m notevenangry,I
'
m disappoi
ntedand
disgust
edbyyourbehaviorandI'
m ashamedt ocal
l
youmydaught erortoevensayIraisedt
his
Hetur
nsandwal ksoutt
her
oom l
eavi
ngal
lofusi
n
dr
eadedsi
lence
ICANSAVEMYSELF
*
28*
<Sabel
o>
Foranynor malper son,itmightbeabi t
uncomf or
tabletobei nsuchaset t
ingbutf ort
he
restofust hathavebeeni nt hi
sfami lysi
ncebirt
h,
i
t'swat eroffaduck' sback.Thi sdinnerisnolonger
aboutmybr ot
herandI ,
thankgoodness.The
attent
ionhasshi f
tedt oUsithandil
ebecauset he
olderfemal esinthisf amil
yhavedr aggedheroff
i
nt osomer oom todiscipli
neher .I
'm goingtostay
outoft hefemal epar tofthedramabecausedr ama
i
sdr ai
ni ng.IturntoThandiwhoi spl ayi
ngagame
onherphone

Me:ar
eyoust
il
lOK?

Shenodsbutdoesn'
tlookatme.Shehasbeen
quietthr
oughoutthewholedrama.Atf irstIthought
maybei t
'sbecauseit
sabi toverwhelming,my
familyasawhol eisful
lofoverwhelmingdr amabut
thi
sisThandi,sheblendsinwell

Me:Thandi
Her
:ngi
yekeSabel
o,pl
ease

Shedragsherchairawayfrom t
hetablebef
ore
gett
ingupandleavingmewi t
hthemostconfused
l
ookonmyf ace.IknowIhaven'tdoneanythi
ng
wrongbecausewewer ef
inenotsolongago.AsI
getuptofol
lowher, Si
mli
ndil
estopsme

Si
mi:I
'
llgo
Me:j
ustaskherwhatidi
dwr
ong
Si
mi:al
ri
ghtbutdon'
twor
ry,
itsj
ustt
hose
pr
egnancyhormones
Sambul
o:I
'
mthi
nki
ngt
hef
ormalsi
deoft
hingsi
s
over
,wecanj
ustdr
inknow
Oyi
:yeahgent
s,l
etst
akei
tout
side

Wemoveout sidewi thouralcoholthatKuhl ehas

nowshovedi ncool erboxes.AsmuchasI 'm here
physicall
y,mymi ndi swithThandi.Ihopeshei sok.
It
sachi ll
edvibeout si
de,Usithandi
le'swhi tefriend
andSi mli
ndil
e'ssisterarebeyondt ipsyand
currentl
ytheyaredanci ngtoimagi nar ymusic.
KuhleandZahar emaki ngoutont heout doorcouch,
Oyintandohashiseyesgl uedonSi ml indi
le'
ssi ster
andMayai schatt
ingt omysi ster
.Af terawhi le,
ThandiandSi mli
ndi l
ejoinus.

Me:canwet
alk?

Shehasn'
ttakenaseatyetsowewal kawayf
rom
ever
yonebutnottowardsthehouse.Whenweare
atagooddistanceaway,ist
op
Me:t
alkt
ome
Thandi
:itdoesn'
tmat
terSabel
o.I
'
m overi
t
Me:I
'm notoveri
tandI'
m notgoi
ngt
ocont
inueas
t
hougheverythi
ngisf
inewheniti
sn'
t

Shekeepsqui et
.West ayinsi
lenceforafew
mi nut
est henshest ar
tssobbi
ng.Idon'tmovefrom
wher eI'
m standing.Shesobsquietl
ythenwipesher
tearsusingthebackofherhand

Me:Thandit
het
haf
ondi
n
Her
:youdon'
twantt
ogetmar
ri
ed

If
rown

Me:whatar
eyout
alki
ngabout
?
Her
:yout
oldyourgr
andmothert
hatyoudon'
twant
t
ogetmarr
ied.Sowhat
'st
hepointofal
loft
his?
Whyar ewedoingal
loft
his?Thet herapy,
keepi
ng
thebabyandpursui
ngarelat
ionship.What'
sthe
pointofi
tal
l?

Isi
gh.Sheisnowcr yi
nghyster
ical
lyandI '
mj ust
l
ookingatherwi t
hmyhandsdeepi nmypocket s.
Sothisiswhatitsli
ketobeinar el
ati
onship?Tobe
i
nvolvedwithsomeonet hat'
spregnant.Pregnant
peoplearecrazybasical
lyandwhatam Isupposed
todowithallthi
smadness?Ther eisstil
l5mont hs
l
eftofyonkelento?

Her:youwanttocont
rolmewenaSabel o.That
's
whyyougotmepr egnant.Youwanttousemeand
whenyouaredoneyouwi l
ltossmeasi
deandmove
ontothenextbestt
hing
Me:ugqi
bil
engok?
Her
:st
opbei
ngacowar
dandadmi
tit
Me:f
orf
ucksakewoul
dyoust
opbei
ngcr
azy?
Myvoiceisnowr ai
sedandsheseemsshaken.
Honestl
yireal
lydon'
tunder
standwhatj
ust
happenedhere

Her
:I'
m notcr
azy.Youj
ustcan'
thandl
ethet
rut
h
Me:andwhatt ruthisthat?Thandical mt hef uck
down.I '
m notreadyf oryonkel ento,thechi ldorthe
rel
ati
onshi pbutyouar epr egnantandIl oveyousoI
havet oacceptandadj ust.Asf orthemar riagepart,
Idon'tknowhowwegott hereandI 'dreally
appreciateiti
fwemoveawayf rom that.Youcan' t
shoveal lt
heset hi
ngsdownmyt hroatallatonce
andexpectmet ojustswal low.Wesai dbabyst eps
andnowyouar etaki
nggi antleapsanddr agging
meal ong?Hayif ondin,I
'm notdoi ngt hatwi thyou.
onesituationatat i
me

HersobsgetlouderandIser i
ouslyfeell
ikewalki
ng
awaybutIknowI '
llneverheartheendofi ti
fidoSo
Itakeafewstepscloserandwr apmyar msar ound
her.Herwetf
acemakescont actwit
hmyneckandI
sigh.Howdi dweendupher e?Rightnowapartof
mef eelsli
ketaki
ngadvantageofthesit
uat
ionand
fuckingtheli
feoutofher
.Ievenhaveasemi
erectionbutI
'mtryi
ngtoavoidal
lofthat

Me:ar
eyouOKnow?

Ifeelhernoddingbef oresher emovesherf acefrom

myneck.Theonl yli
ghtt hat'
svi si
blewherewear e
st
andi ngisfrom i
nsidet hehousebuti t
senoughf or
met oseeherf ace.Iwi pehert earsthenki
ssher.
Theki ssstart
soffslowl ybutbef oreicanful
lyget
i
ntoi t
, If
eelherhandr ubbingovermypant sandI
pullback

Me:whatar
eyoudoi
ng?

I
'm whi
speri
ngsof
tl
ywi
thasl
ightgr
inonmyf
ace.
Sheissmil
ingt
oo
Her
:it
'syourbaby,
it'
snotme

Ichuckl
eandshakemyhead.I
sn'
tthi
sthesame
womant hatwasmadatmenotsolongago?

Me:youwant
?

Shenodswit
hthebiggestgri
nevert
henshepull
s
meawayfrom t
heli
ght,fur
therf
rom ourf
ri
ends

Me:r
ighther
e?

Shenodsagai n,wr
apsherar msar oundmyneck
andkissesmeagain.I '
mr ockhardnowandshe
canfeelit
.shemoanssof tlyasmyf ingersgraze
overherunderwear.Thethril
lofgett
ingcaughtisa
tur
nononi t
'sownbutt hi
swomani nfrontofmei s
thebiggestt
urnonf orme.Shegr i
ndsagai nstme
asIremoveherunder wear,shoveitdeepi nmy
pockets.Sheiswet ,
shewant smeandthatis
evi
dentf rom t
hewaysheunzi psmypants.Iki
ss
herasawayt oquietenhermoansasIburymyself
i
nsideher .Herlegsarearoundmywaist
,herback
againstthewallandmyhandsonherbut t
*
It
sbeenaweeksi ncemybi rt
hdaydinner ,
thi
ngs
betweenThandiandIarejustaroll
ercoaster
.
sometimesshecompl ai
nsaboutthecr azi
estthi
ngs,
otherdaysshei
sthesweet estper
sonandondays
l
iketoday,I
'
m scaredsheisgoingtokillmeinmy
sleep

Thandi
:youar
elat
e
Me:I
'
m not
.I'
m ont
ime.Let
'sgo

Igr
abherbagandusherhert
othecar

Her
:yourchi
ldi
slazy
Me:hei
sst
il
lnotmovi
ng?
Her:nope.It
sbeen3daysofsi
lencef
rom hi
m.I
'm
al
sospot t
ingnowbutappar
ent
lythat
'snor
mal
Me:what
'
sspot
ti
ng?
Her:l
ightbl
eeding.Nothi
ngtostressaboutbutI
'
m
goingtotel
lthedoctorabouti
t.t
hespotti
ngandthe
cramps

Idon'tsayanyt
hingaft
ert
hat,
Ijustf
ocusont
he
dri
ving.wemakei tt
othedoct
or'
splace10mi
nsl
ate
andshest ar
tsgoingof
fatme

Her:it
oldyouthatyouar
elat
e.nowwehavet
owai
t
becauseourappoint
menthasbeent
aken
Me:t
hepoi
nti
sthatyouwi
ll
gett
oseet
hedoct
or
Her:imadeanappoi
ntmentf
orar
eason.Youj
ust
don'tr
espectmeort
ime
Me:whydidn'
tyout
ellmeaboutt
hespot
ti
ngand
t
hecramps?
Her
:don'
tshi
ftbl
ameher
e.Youmadeusl
ate

Igi
veup.idecidetojustshutmymout hbeforeI
saysomet hi
ngIknowiwi l
lregret.IknowI'm not
goingtobeabletodothisfor5mor emont hs,I'
l
ldie.
Eventual
lythedoct
orcall
susi n,ihelpherupand
sheleadstheway

Doc:howar
eyouguysdoi
ng?
Thandi
:I'
m annoyed
Me:I
'
mti
red

Thedoct
orchuckl
esasshel
if
tsThandi
'
sshi
rt

Doc:l
etsseehowt
hebabyi
sdoi
ng
Thandi
:hehasbeenl
azyl
atel
y.nomovement
Me:andsheisspott
ingandhascr
amps.Shemight
j
ustl
eaveoutthatpartt
hesamewayshedidn'
ttel
l
me

Thandigrunt
sandignoresme.Thedoctori
s
movingthemonit
oralloverherst
omach.Thel
ook
onherfaceisqui
teworryi
ng

Me:i
sever
ythi
ngokdoc?
Doc:I
'
m notsur
e.ican'
tfi
ndahear
tbeat
Me:whatdoyoumeanyoucan'
tfi
ndahear
tbeat
?
Doc:mi
ssZul
u,whenl
astdi
dyouf
eelyoyrbaby
move?
Thandi
:af
ewdaysago.It
hink3or4daysago
Me:andwhendi
dthecr
ampsst
art
?

BothThandiandthedoct
oraregivi
ngmeweird
l
ooksbutIdon'tcar
e.IwantanswersandIwant
them now
Me:answermedammi
t
Doc:MrSmi
thI
'
m goi
ngt
oneedyout
ocal
m down

Ihufft
henshutmymouthbutIhaven'
ttakenmy
eyesoffThandiwhoi
snowintear
s

Doc:Thandi
?
Thandi:t
hecrampsstar
tedadaybef orebutthe
spott
ingstar
ted3daysago.IthoughtitwasNormal
.
Icheckedgoogleandi
tsaidl
ightbleedingand
crampsisnormal
Doc:OKletmedoanot herul
tr
asoundandwe'
l
ltake
i
tfrom t
here.Justcal
m downOK?
ICANSAVEMYSELF
*
29*
<Sl
indi
le>
WhenifoundoutthatOyintandoisactual
ly
Usi
thandi
le'
sbr
other,Il
ostinter
est.I
talwaysget
s
compli
cat
edwhenyoudat esomeonewhose
sibl
ingsyouhangoutwi th.It
snotanaddedbonus,
i
tsacompl i
cationbecauseweal lknowmenar e
shadyandyouwoul dhavet obethemostst upid
personifyout hinkyourf ri
endwi l
lbeloyaltoyou
andnott heirshadybr other.Weallknowhowbl ood
i
smadeoutt obet hethickestthi
ngeverwhen
compar edtowat ersosaveyour selft
hehear tbreak
andst ayawayf rom yourf ri
endsbrothers.Whenwe
arri
vedathi splaceandIsawhi minthatsui t
,all
thatbull
shitwentoutt hedoor .Thismani ssexyin
scrubs,nowi magi netheyeseshei spullingr i
ght
nowi nasui t

Usi
:cl
oseyourmout
h,youar
edr
ool
ing

Iswal l
owspi t
,conti
nuest ar
ingandhejustsmi l
es
andr ai
seshiswhi skeyglassatme.I'
vealready
decidedthatifIhavetheintenti
onofkeepi
ngmy
pantiesonmybodyt onight,Iam t
oavoi
dt hatman
atallcost.Therestofthenightwentonswi ft
ly,
well
we'vealldecidednottowast eourener
gyfocusi ng
onUsi t
handi l
e'sfooli
shness.I '
vemadeament al
notetositdownandt al
ktot hatgir
lsomet i
me
duri
ngt heweek, maybeor ganizeherasessionwith
ashrinkatt hehospi t
albecauseshei spacking
someser iousi ssues.It
sgettinglat
e,everyone
star
tsleavingandI '
m notevendr unkenought o
wanttogosl eepyet.IfIhaven'thadagl assof
Savannah, Ialwaysf eelasifI'
vebeendr inki
ngjui
ce
al
lnight.Champagnedoesn' teventast
eni ceor
maybeI 'm notr i
chsoIdon' tknowhowt o
appreciat
ei t

Si
mi:Sl
iwear
eleavi
ng,
we'
l
ldr
opyouof
f
Me:I'
l
lrequestanubert
oyourf
lat
.Iknowyouar
e
goi
ngtoSambul o'
shouse
Si
mi:youst
il
lwantt
ost
ay?
Oyi
ntando:Idon'
tmindherst
ayi
ng.I
'
lldr
iveher
myselft
oyourflat

If
eelhi
sbr
eat
honmyneckandnet
herr
egi
on
moistens.Hayiman,whatwit
chcr
afti
sthi
sguy
pl
ayingwi t
h?Udlal
akabishame

Sambulo:ar
eyousure?Kuhl
eandZahar
ealr
eady
sl
eepi
ngsoi t
'sj
ustgoi
ngtobet
hetwoofyouguys
Oyint
ando:yousayt
hatasifI
'
m somekindofseri
al
ki
ll
er.Don'
tworr
yaboutSl
indi
le,
I'
llt
akegoodcar
e
ofher

Ourbodi
esar
enowtouchi
ng,heisbehi
ndmeandI
t
akeinadeepbr
eat
hasIfeelhi
shandonmybutt

Si
mi:okthengoodni
ghtguys.Thanksf
orever
ythi
ng
Oyi
ntando
Oyi
ntando:onl
yapl
easur
e.dr
ivesaf
elyguys

Theywalkoutcl
osingthedoorbehindthem andI
coul
dn'tbemoregrat
efulbecausethi
sgivesmea
chancetotur
naroundandgi vethi
smanapi eceof
mymi nd.Whothehel ldoeshethi
nkheis,
busy
grabbi
ngmyassasi fheownsme.Themomenti
turnar
ound,hequicklyshoveshishandsi
nhis
pocket
sandsmi l
es

Me:don'
tyoueverdot
hatagai
n
Oyi
ntando:dowhat
?

Ihufft
henfol
dmyarmsacrossmychest
.I'
m qui
te
annoyedri
ghtnowandheseesi
tbuthei
ssti
ll
smil
ing

Me:youknowwhatyoudi
d
Hi
m:youmeant
his?

Heplaceshishandsonmybut tagai
nandpul
lsme
cl
oser.Igaspl
oudlyashepressesmybodyagainst
hi
s.Thereisafeel
ing,
idon'
tknowwhatiti
sor
whereitscomi
ngf r
om buti
tsther
e.I
tsher
einthe
ver
yli
tt
lespacebet
weenmeandt
hisman

Him:youlookedamazingtoni
ght
.Idi
dn'
tgeta
chancetotel
lyoubecauseyoukeptr
unni
ngaway
fr
om
Me:Iwasn'
trunni
ngawayfr
om youandgetyour
handsof
fmybut tpl
ease

Heremovest
hem butnott
heeyest
hatabur
ninga
hol
ethr
oughme

Him:abut
tiswhatthatJessi
cagi
rlhas,
youhave
anass.Asexyass
Me:okt
hen.DoyouhaveSavannahi
nthi
shouse?
Hi
m:Savannah?Youdr
inkSavannah?
Me:i
sthatapr
obl
em?i
khonanomaayi
kho?

Hel
aughswhi
leshaki
nghi
sheadt
hent
akesast
ep
backandheadst owardsthekitchen.Ifoll
owhi m.
Hishouseisgorgeous,especial
lyhiskitchen.I
t'
s
neatandspacious.Isi
tont hebarchai randwat ch
hi
m moveabout .Hehast akenof ft
hesui tj
acket
andisinj
ustthewhi t
eshirt,r
oll
edatt hesleeves
andthenavypant s

Hi
m:it
houghtal
lgi
rl
swantchampagnewhent
hey
ar
ear
oundri
chGuys
Me:youar
eri
ch?Wel
lIdi
dn'
tnot
ice

Helaughsbef
orepl
acingadumpyofSavannahi
n
f
rontofmewithaglassnextt
oit
.

Him:IguessIst
il
lhavetoworkhar
der
.Jongalove,
I
'm goingt
otakeaquickshowert
henI
'l
ljoi
nyou.
I
'm st
ickyandsweaty
Me:soam I
Hi
m:youwantt
ojoi
nme?
Me:hai
bo

Helaughs.Oyi
ntandohasacut
elaugh,
itsnotl
oud
buti
tscute

Hi
m:youcantakeashowerinoneoft
heguest
r
ooms.I
'l
lbr
ingyousweatpantsandaT-
shi
rtt
o
wear

Me:I
'
m notsl
eepi
ngover
Him:youar
edr
inki
ngsavannahat2am,deepdown
youknowwher
eyouwillsl
eeptoni
ght
Me:andwher
eist
hat
?
Hi
m:yousee.I
'
llbeback

HewalksawayandIalsogetup.Isett
leforabath
soicanfi
nishmyboozeoffwhil
erelaxi
ng.Whatam
Ist
il
ldoi
nginthi
sman'shouse?TruthisI'
dr at
her
beheret
hanbeonmyowni nmyl i
tt
lesister
'sfl
at.
Myl if
ei slonel
y, Idon'
thavefriendsandbasi cally
myl if
econsi stsofmywor kandmyf amil
y.That '
si t
.
Aftercleaningt het ub,Iwr
apmybodyi natowel
andgof indthi
smant hatpromi sedmesweat pant s.
I'
vealreadybr okenonepr omiset oni
ght,mypant ies
arenol ongeronmybody.al t
houghIt ookthem of f
mysel f
,thepoi nti stheyareoff.Iknockafewt imes
ont hedoorI '
dl iketoassumei st hemainbedr oom

Hi
m:comei
n

Iwalki ntof i
ndhim alsoinjustat
owelwithwat er
dropletsonhi supperbody.Andwhatanupper
bodyi tis.Hischest,hisabs,hi
sshoulder
s,his
arms. .
.everyt
hinglookssolidandthechocolat
eskin
i
sj ustthecher r
yont op

Hi
m:doneal
ready?

Inod.If
eelat
wit
chsomewher
ebet
weenmyl
egs
andi qui
cklycrossthem.Hei safewstepsaway
butit
'sasifheisr i
ghtnexttome.Thiswhol er
oom
i
sf i
ll
edwi t
hhisscent .It
akemyeyesof fhim
becauseificontinuestari
ngathi
m, myhappy
j
uiceswi l
lstar
tflowingdownmyt hi
ghs.I'venever
beensot urnedonbyamanwhohasdonenot hing
sexualtome.

Hi
m:comecl
oser
,Iwon'
tbi
te.Ipr
omi
se
Me:maybeI
'
llbi
te

Iwhi
spert
omyselfasiwal
kcl
osert
ohi
mthent
ake
aseatont
hebed

Hi
m:t
hisi
sappar
ent
lywher
eal
lthemagi
chappens
Me:hmm.Thesweat
pant
spl
ease
Hi
m:ohyes

Hewal
kst
owar
dshi
scl
oset
.If
indmysel
fst
ari
ngat
hisbut
t.'
SnapoutofitSl
indi
le.Youar
ebehavi
ng
l
ikealoosegypsy.
'It
hinktomyself

Hi
m:t
her
eyougo
Me:t
hankyou

Healsotookoutapairforhi
mselfwhi
chhewasted
noti
mei nputt
ingon.ri
ghtinfr
ontofme.Wi
thout
anyunderwear

Me:wow.Shymuch?
Him:nah.I
fI'
m goi
ngt obegett
ingnakedinf
rontof
youforawhil
e,Imightaswellgetusedt
oit
Me:hai
bobhut
i

I'
m st
il
lsit
ti
ngont hebedandhei sst
andinginfront
ofmenow.Hegent l
ypicksmeupbr i
dalstyl
e,hi
s
skinf
eelssoftandsmellsofcocobut
ter.Heplaces
meonmybackont hebedthencli
mbsnexttome.
Myhearti
sbeatinghardagainstmychestandmy
br
eat
hingisn'
tconstantatt
hismoment

Hi
m:nomor
eal
coholf
oryou
Me:I
'
dli
ket
ogetdr
essed
Hi
m:I
'
m notst
oppi
ngyou

I'
m notwear i
nganyt
hingunderthi
stowelandI
knowi fIgetnakedi
nfrontoft
hisman, Iwon'
tbe
abletostopwhatwillf
oll
owaftert
hat.Idon'
tmove,
i
tssafewher eIam

Hi
m:Ist
il
lwantt
ogett
oknowyouSl
indi
le
Me:Oyi
ntandoi
tsl
ate
Hi
m:I
'
lldr
iveyout
othef
lati
nthemor
ning.Tal
kto
me

Wet
alkt
hewhol
eni
ghtunt
ilt
hesuncomesup.It
ell
him aboutmyself,
het el
lsmeabouthimselfand
beforeweknowi t,i
ts7am.Somewher eint
heear l
y
hoursofthemor ni
ngi tgott
oocoldandweended
upundert hecovers.Notineachother
sarms
though

Hi
m:I
'
minl
ovewi
thyou
Me:it
hinkIpi
ckedt
hatup
Him:goodbecauseIdon' tdosubt
le.Youare
ever
ythingIloveandwanti nawoman.Youar e
beaut
iful,
genuinel
y,car
efreeandf
eistypl
usyouar
e
smartandf unny
Me:youareri
ch.Yousawwher
eI'
mfr
om.Guysl
ike
youdon'
tlookatgi
rl
sli
keme
Him:Ididn'
tchooseyou.Myhear
tdidandtheonl
y
curr
encymyhear tworksi
nisl
ove.Iwantyoui
nmy
l
ifeSli
ndil
e

Idon'tsayanythi
ng.Idon'
tknowwhattosay,I
'
m
att
ractedtohim butt
hentherei
sst
il
lthati
ssueof
him beingUsi
thandil
e'
sbrother.I
tsnotsomething
thatshouldmatterbuttomeitdoes.Idon'twantto
endupbei ngtakenforafoolbecauseyho
rel
ationshi
psthesedaysconsistsofalotoffucker
y,
popayism andbeingtakenforumsunu.
ICANSAVEMYSELF
*
30*
<Si
mli
ndi
le>
Mygi r
lshel pedmeputt ogetheranout f
itformy
pri
vateaf terpar tyfort hebirt
hdayboy.Ishoul d
havenotgot tenUsithandi l
einvolvedinthat,t
hegirl
i
sasexf r
eak.I 'mi nthebat hroom withmy
overni
ghtbag.Ij ustfinishedtakingashowerand
moisturisingmybodysoI '
m stari
ngatt hi
sskimpy
thi
ngt hati sappar entlysupposedt ofi
tonmybody.
I'
m notabi ggi rlbutthislit
tl
et hi
nglookstoosmal l
.
Aknockont hedoorgi vesmeaf ri
ghtbutiquickl
y
composemysel f

Sambul
o:ar
eyouoki
nther
e?You'
vebeeni
nther
e
fort
ool
ong
Icl
earmyt
hroat

Me:I
'
mfi
ne.I
'
llbeouti
nasec
Hi
m:OKbabe.Il
oveyou

Ismi
let
omysel
f

Me:t
hankyou
Hi
m:hawubaby
Me:youknowIloveyoutoo.Ngyezaj
ustswi
tcht
he
l
ight
soffandkeepthebedsi
delampon
Hi
m:why?
Me:j
ustnj
e.Pl
easedoi
t

Ideci
detogowiththepi
nkg-str
ing,
bralet
tet
hen
covermysel
fwi
ththesil
kgown.Easyt oputonand
easytot
akeoff
.Ithrowever
ythi
ngbacki nmybag
thentakeinadeepbreat
h,exhal
esl
owlybef
ore
openingthedoor.Themomenthehear
smy
foot
steps,hesi
tsuponthebed

Hi
m:haababy,
I'
m swi
tchi
ngt
hel
ight
sonf
ort
his
Me:hayiSambul
o,don'
t
Hi
m:iwantt
oseeyounj
ebaby.

Hej umpsoutofbedandswi
tchestheli
ght
son.
Thisgownbar el
ycover
smybuttcheekssoI'
m
practi
cal
lynaked

Hi
m:wow
Me:youl
ike?
Hi
m:what
?Il
ove.Youl
ooksosexybaby

ThemomentIr
eachhi
m,hi
shandsgof
ormyr
obe
andIst
ophi
m
Me:r
elax.Wehaveal
lni
ghtsoyoudon'
thavet
o
r
ush
Hi
m:yesma'
am

Hisbott
om li
pissexil
ytuckedbetweenhi
steet
h,
hiseyesaretr
avel
ingallovermybodyandImust
sayitsaconfi
dencebooster.Iwrapmyhands
aroundhisneck,
peckhi sl
ipsthenst
arei
ntohi
s
eyes

Me:Il
oveyouandhappybi
rt
hdaybaby
Hi
m:i
tshoul
dbemybi
rt
hdayever
yday

I'
m exci
tedabouttonight
,I'
mt urnedonandI 'mjust
hopingitwil
lreachmyexpect ati
onsandt hatiwil
l
beabletomeethi sexpect
ations.Hepl antssoft
ki
ssesonmyneckandmybodyr el
axes.Myski nis
i
nstantl
yfil
ledwithgoosebumpsasIf eelhis
growingerect
ionagainstmyst omach, it
'sturni
ng
meon

Hi
m:youar
esobeaut
if
ulSi
mli
ndi
le

Hishandsar ebackonthebel toft

her
obe,Idon'
t
stophim asheuntiesi
tandr emovesi
tslowl
y.I
watchandsmi letomyselfashi sj
awdropst
othe
fl
oortogetherwit
htherobe

Hi
m:damnbaby

Idon'thavethewor dsnort heenergyt orespond.

Mybodyf eel
sli
kei tsfl
oat i
ngonacl oud.Aheat ed
cl
oudbecauseI '
m def i
nitel
yinheatr ightnow.Ifeel
hi
slipsonmyshoul der,hishandonmyboobover
mybr aandit hr
owmyheadback.Anunexpect ed
moanescapesmyl ips.I'
vebeenneedi ngthis,
wantingitandher eIam aboutt ogi vemysel ft
ohim.
Hisli
psmovet omi neandwegetl ostinthekiss.I
ts
sl
owyetsopassi onate,ourt onguesdanci ngwith
eachot her.Hishandsar eonmybut tnowashe
gentlyli
ftsmeupandpl acesmeont hebed.Hi s
bareupperbodyi spressedagai nstmi ne, heis
betweenmyl egsandhi serecti
onispr essedon
crotch,forci
ngthemat eri
alofmyg- stringt orub
againstmycl itar
ea.Mymoansar egettingl ouder
andhei st aki
nghisti
me, kneadingmybr eastwhil
e
ki
ssi ngandsuckingonmyneck.Idon' tknowhow
hemanagest ounhookmybr athatquickl yand
withouthasslesbuthismout hisnowcover ingmy
nippleandhei ssuckingoni t

Me:Sa.
..
mb.
.

Hemovest otheotherone,sucksoni twhil

ehi s
fi
nger stweakandr ollmyothernipple.TheheatI '
m
feel
ingbet weenmyl egsisther easonbehindhow
I'
m gr i
ndingmyselfslowlyagainsthim.Hemoves
hiskissesl owert
owar dsmyst omach, wetkisses
andbl owingcoolairoverthem.Att hismomenthe
hast otalcontr
olovermybody, myover lysensiti
ve
body.If
eelhi
st eet
hgr azeovermyunderwearandI
yel
punexpectedlywhichmakeshimlaughbef or
e
heslowl
ytakesmyg- stringof
fwit
hhisteet
h

Hi
m:I
'
m keepi
ngt
his

Myt highsopenont hei rownbef oreheeven

touchest hem, I'
m soaki ngwet .Ifeelhiswarm
tongueonme, it
'saFor eignfeel i
ngbutwhata
feeli
ngi tis.Hesucksonmycl it
,makesl ovetome
wi t
hhist ongueunt ilIfeel mytoescur landallt
he
heatrushest othespacebet weenmyl egs.The
orgasm t hatfoll
owsi smi ndblowing.Hel i
cksme
cleanthencomesupwi ththekisses.Ifeelhi
s
erecti
ononme, it
sbar e.Whendi dt hebri
efscome
off?Heki ssesmeagai n, Icant astemyselfonhim
butI'm notf ocusedont hat.I
'm grindi
ngmysel f
tryi
ngt ogethi mi nsideme.

Hi
m:It
houghtwehaveal
lni
ght
Me:don'
ttestme

Hel
aughs

Hi
m:I
'
m soi
nlovewi
thyoui
tscr
azy

Heent ersmesl owl yunti

lhehasf i
ll
edmeup, iwrap
myl egsar oundhi swaistandmovewi thhim.The
feel
ingisoutoft hisworl
d.Wear emoaning
together
, gett
ingl osti
ntheecstasythenhepull
s
outwhi l
eI '
m sti
llenjoyi
ngit.Hereachesfort
he
drawerandpul l
soutacondom

Him:Idon'
twantt
obeThandiandSabel
o.Atl
east
notr
ightnow

Hesli
desinonhispeni
sandent er
smeagai n.He
makesslowlovet
ome, ourhandsint
ert
winedand
pi
nnedabovemyhead.Myl egscrossedonhis
back, pushinghim deeper.Att hismomentnot hing
elsemat ters,
nott hepast,notthef uturejustt hi
s
momentr ighthere.Wemovedt ogetherunt ilIcum
thenhepl acesbot hmyl egsonei t
hersi deofhi s
shouldersandt hrustsagain.Whenhi sgrunt sget
l
ouder ,Imoverf asterunderhim andher eleasesas
wel l
.Myeyesar eshutbutif eelawar m kissonmy
foreheadandanot heroneonmyl i
ps

Hi
m:Il
oveyou
Me:Il
oveyout
oo

aft
ergett
ingcleanedup, wegetbackinbedandhe
pul
lsmet ohischest.I'
m happywithhim,hefeel
s
l
ikehomebutIst il
lcan'
thelpbutfeelast
houghhe
wil
lchangehismi ndaboutmeatsomepoi nt
.There
i
snothingspecialaboutmet hatcankeepaman
l
ikeSambulo.Hel i
teral
lycanhaveanygirlhewants

Hi
m:what
'sonyourmi
nd?
Me:not
hing.I
'
mjustenj
oyi
ngt
hismoment
Him:pleasedon'teverl
eaveme.Iknowwewi l
lhave
f
ightsandpr obl
emsbutpl easepromi
semet hatwe
wil
lwor kthr
ought hem t
ogetherandt
hatyouwon't
l
eaveme
Me:Ipr
omi
se.I
'
mint
hisf
ort
hel
ongr
un

Heki ssesmyf oreheadagai nthengi vesmeagent le

squeeze.Hef all
sasl eepfir
standi tswhenIhearhi s
softsnor est
hatIal sodrif
tofftosleep.Thenext
dayI '
m wokenbysomet hi
ngwar mr ubbi
ngback
andf orthbet
weenmyl egs.I
'm sleepingonmysi de,
myl egisbeinghel dupi ntheairandI 'm gett
ingwet.
Icont i
nuepretendingasi fI'
m sleepinguntilIfeel
him sli
dingin

Me:aaah
Hi
m:mor
ningst
handwasami

Heni
bbl
esonmyear
lobewhi
let
weaki
ngmyni
ppl
e
andt
hrust
ingdeepi
nsi
deme
*
It
sbeent woweekssi ncewestar
tedhavi
ngsexand
Ithi
nkI '
m addi
ctedtoSambulo'
spenisnow.I
actuall
ycravesexnow, t
hat
'showmuchIenjoyi
t
andt hi
sweekI'm bei
ngstar
ved

Me:maybehei
scheat
ing
Jess:ohpl
easethatmanwor
shi
psyou,
hewoul
d
neverdoyouli
kethat
Me:thenwhyhashebeenMI A?Hehardl
ycall
s,I
havetotakeacabtotheflatandIhaven'
tseenhim
si
ncelastweekTuesday.Somet hi
ngisgoingon.
Usit
handil
ewhatdoyout hink?

Shestopspoki
ngherfoodar
oundandlooksatus.I
don'
tthi
nksheisf
oll
owingourconver
sat
ion

Me:ar
eyouOK?
Usi
:Si
mbongewant
stol
eaveMbal
i
Jess:andyouar
esadbecause?
Usi:I'
m notsad,I
'
m scar
ed.Youknowwhatthey
sayaboutar el
ati
onshi
pbuil
tonanot
herper
son's
tears
Me:t
hendon'tbuil
ditonhert
ear
s,bui
ldi
tonyour
l
oveforeachother

Shesi
ghs

Usi
:mypar
ent
sandmybr
other
swon'
taccepthi
m
Jess:f
oll
owyourhear
t.I
fthemanwant
stoleave
hi
swi f
eforyout
henthatmeansher
eal
lyl
ovesyou
Usi
:aiIdon'
tknowguys.Theyhaveki
dskeaswel
l.
3ofthem.Imagi
neifsomeonecameandtookmy
dadfrom mymom whilemybrot
hersandIwer
est
il
l
ki
ds.

Shesi
ghsagai
nthent
akesapause
Usi
:whenibroughthi
mtothedinner
,ididn'
tknow
whohiswif
eis.Wejustmadesurenottotal
kabout
her
.Yessheexist
sbutnoti
nourworld
Me:butnowhaveyouconsi deredthe
consequencesofyonkelento?Ther el
ati
onship
kamakaSambul oAndyourpar entsbecauseatthe
endoft hedayifyouandSimbongecont inuethi
sit
s
goingtocomeacr ossasifyourparentscan't
handlethei
rownchi l
d.I
tsgoingt oputoSambuloin
anawkwar dpositi
onanditsgoingt oputmeinan
awkwar dposit
ion.I
tsnotonlyjustaboutyouguys
sof unekaubeSuremngani.
ICANSAVEMYSELF
*
31*
<Sabel
o>
Thereisthissayingt hatkeepsri
nginginmyhead
asthedoct orexplainshowshet hinksthebabydi ed.
I'
mlisteni
ng, ThandiiscryingandallIam focused
onisthesayi nginmyhead.' '
Youlearnto
appreciat
et hi
ngst hemostwhenyoul osethem''.I
thoughtIst illhadl otsoft i
met olear ntoacceptmy
baby,tobondwi thmybabyandt ol ovemybaby.I
havebeensof ocusedonbet t
er i
ngmysel fsoI '
l
lbe
agoodf athert hatIneverf eltmybaby' ski cks.I
rememberThandi 'sexci tementever yt imet hebaby
kickedandherwant ingt oshar eitwi thmebutIwas
alwayst oobusywi thsomet hingorover whelmedby
everything.If i
gur edI'llfeel t
heki cksat6mont hsor
8mont hsbutt hatwi l
lneverhappennow.Ast he
doctorexpl ainst oThandit hattheywi llgiveher
l
abori nduci ngmedi cat ionwhi leshei sadmi t
tedat
thehospi talandshewi llhavet ogi vebi rthtothe
baby.Iwantt oshutdownmyownf eelingsandbe
thereforherbutt hepai nI'
mf eel i
nghast akenover
myent i
rebody.Ican' tthink,Ican' tmoveanddeep
downapar tofmewant stojustdi e.If eelasi fI'
min
physicalpai n.I thurt
st hatIwon' tgett ohol dthis
baby,ithur tst hathei sdeadbutwhathur tsthe
mosti st hatIcan' tbet herefort hewomanIl ove
becauseapar tofmebl amesherf ort his.Af t
erthe
ambul ancet akeshert ot hehospi tal,Isend
Sambul oat extt ocomef etchme.Hecal lsmebutI
don'tanswer .Iwantt ocr ybuti tsnothappeni ng.
I'
m hopi
ngthati
fIatl
eastshedat earort
wo,the
painwon'
tbeasbadbutitsjustnothappeni
ng

Sambulo:andt
hen?What
'swr
ongwi
thyourcarand
yourphone?

Idon'trespond.Ihavemyeyesf ocusont
hisone
squaret i
leonthefloor.I
'
mlooki
ngatthepatt
ern,
tr
yingmybestnott olosemymindbecausetherei
s
somet hingdeepinsidemethatwantsmetojust
scream r i
ghtnow

Hi
m:hal
fwhat
'sgoi
ngon?

Isigh,
li
ftmyheadandl
ookathi
mforasecond
thenshakemyhead

Hi
m:wher
eisThandi
?
Me:shel
ostt
hebaby
Myvoi cecomesoutcoar seandverysoft.That'
sthe
fi
rsttimeI'
vesaiditoutl
oud.Shelostthebaby.
Alreadythatst
atementonitsownpoi nt
saf i
ngerso
whyshoul dn'
tI?It
sherbloodpressurethatleadto
thi
s.Itshersil
encethatl
edtothisbecausehadshe
spokensooner ,mychil
d'shear
twouldst i
llbe
beatingri
ghtnowandIwoul dn'tf
eell
ikeshi t
.

Hi
m:f
uck.Yesesbr
uhI
'
m sosor
ry

Hishandisonmyshoul dersqueezingitbutit
snot
hel
ping.Nothingisgoingtohelp.Iacceptedmy
ci
rcumstances,Istar
tedgoingtot her
apy,I'
mf i
xing
myselfbutit
snotenough.Somehowmyhappi ness
hadtobesnat chedaway.Thel i
ttl
ebitofhappiness
Ihadisallgoneandagai nIfeelr
ejected

Hi
m:l
etsgo.I
'
llt
akeyouhome
Me:no.Takemet
othehospi
tal
Him:Sabel oIdon'tthi
nkyouareintheri
ghtspace
forthat.Thandineedsyoursupportnotyou
pointi
ngaf ingerather
Me:whataboutmeSambul o?Don'tIneedsuppor
t?
ShetoldmethatIgotwhatIwantedbecauseI
di
dn'twantt
hisbaby.Sheisal
readymakingmeher
punchi
ngbag
Him:I
'
llt
akeyoutogoseeherl
ater
.Ri
ghtnowI
'
m
goi
ngtotakeyouhome

Hecal lsShakat ocomepi ckupmycart henweget

i
nhi scarandhedr i
vesushome.Myeyeshave
beenshutsi ncet hecarst ar
tedmovi ng.Iwantmy
mi ndtobecl earbutitscl att
ered.Idon'tknowwher e
andhowThandiandIwi llbegi
ninpi ckingupt hese
pieces.Theseki ndofpi ecesar elikeglasssoI
knowt hereisnowaywewi l
lbeabl etopi ckthem
upwi thouthurti
ngour selvesinthepr ocess.When
wegethome, mymot herandSomi l
aarei nthe
ki
tchenbutidon' tbothert ogreet.Idon'thavet he
energy.Myent i
rebodyf eelsdrai
nedandheavy
Sambulo:trytot
akeanap,I'
l
lpickyouuplat
er.
BruhI'
mr eall
ysorr
yaboutt
hebaby.Ican'
tbegint
o
i
maginewhatyoumustbegoi ngthr
oughbutIwant
youtoknowt hatI
'l
lbeher
eforyouandwithyou
thr
oughitall.

Inodandhewal ksout .Ineedashower.Ineedto

washof fever
ythingt hathashappenedToday.Aft
er
myhourl ongshowerwhi chstar
tedoffwit
hme
standi
ngundert heshowerheadandendedwi thme
sit
ti
ngont hefloor,kneestoomychi nandmyhead
onmyknees.Theent ir
etimeIwasdesperatefor
tearsortounl
easht hescream t
hatisbot
tl
edinsi
de
ofmebutIf ai
led.Idr ymybodyandgeti nbed.It
took6painkil
lerstoknockmeout .WhenIwakeup,
i
twasduet oSambul oshakingmeasifI'
m acorpse

Me:hmm
Sambul
o:vukandoda
Me:OK
Him:fr
eshenup,
wear
eleavi
ngf
ort
hehospi
tali
n
20mins
Me:hmm

Isitup,
rubmyeyesthenst
retch.I
'
m st
il
lfeel
ing
drowsybutI
'l
lsnapoutofi
tsoon

Me:howi
sshe?

Hekeepsqui
et

Me:Sambul
o
Him:sheisn'
tOKbr uh.Shehadt
obesedatedaft
er
givi
ngbir
th.Whenshewokeupshewasst il
lcr
ying
andscreaming.SheneedsyouSabel
o.Shedoesn'
t
knowhowmuchsheneedsyoubutshedoes
Me:OK
Igetuptowashmyf acet henputonahoodi e
becauseitschil
lyoutsi
de.Whenwegett othe
hospit
al,It
akeinadeepbr eathbef orewalkingin.
Sheissleepingonherside, facingawayf rom the
doorbuthersobsar eaudiblef rom thedoor.Istand
overherbed, myhandsi nmypocket sandjustlook
atherwithoutsayi
ngawor d.Iwantt otouchher
andholdherbutIdeci deagai nstit

Me:Thandi

Sheturnsaround,herfaceisred,hereyesare
swol
lenandshel ookssodef eated.westareateach
ot
her,nei
theroneofusut ter
sawor d.Idon'
tknow
whattosayandIdon' twantaf i
ght

Thandi
:uf
unaniSabel
o?
Me:Idon'
twantt
ofi
ghtwi
thyou
Her
:ohyouj
ustwantt
obl
amemef
orki
ll
ingt
he
chil
dyoudi dn'
twant?Youwantt
omakeyour
sel
f
feelbet
terbyforci
ngthebl
ameonme
Me:Icameher
etocheckhowyouar
edoi
ng
Her
:Igavebi
rt
htoadeadbabyaf
ewhour
sago,
howdoyouthi
nkI'
mfeel
ing?

Idon'
trespond,
inst
eadIpullthechairbackandsi
t
down.Thelookshegivesmei sfi
ll
edwi thsomuch
hurt
,rageandhatebutI'
m notint
imidated

Me:Il
ostababyt
ooThandi
Her :yourtr
aumastar
tedandendedatt hedoctor'
s
room.Howmuchmor ethetraumaIhadtogo
through?Thecontr
actions,thel
aborpai
nsandt he
pushi ngknowi
ngverywel lt
hatIwon'
thearmy
babycr y?Youhavenoi deawhatI'
vebeenthrough
sodon' tyoudar
ecompar emypai ntoyour
s

Isi
gh,r
ubmyeyesthenlookather
.I'
m sl
owly
get
ti
ngpissedof
fbutI
'
mt ryi
ngmybesttocontai
n
i
tbecauseoft
heci
rcumst
anceswear
ein

Me:whatgoodwillatt
acki
ngmedo?I'm her
e
becauseIt
houghtwear ei
nthi
stoget
herbutnow
i
tsasifyouar
eagai nst
Her:youbl
amemef orthi
s.Yousai
dityour
sel
fthat
hadIspokenupsoonerthenthi
swoul
dhavebeen
avoided
Me:I'
m sor
ryIbl
amedyou.LookofcourseIdon'
t
knowtheki
ndofpainyouarefeel
ingbutt
hat
doesn'
tmeanthepai
nI'
mf eel
ingshoul
dbecast
asi
de.

Sil
encefi
ll
stheroom foraf
ewmi nutesthenshe
start
scr
yingagain.Notqui
etsobsbutloud
screamswhichbreakmyheartthelouderthey
become

Her:lea.
.l
eave.Iwa.
..
wantyout
olea.
..
leaveand
ne.
..nevercomeba..
.back
Me:Thandi

Shedr
inksagl
assofwaterandt
ri
est
ocal
m her
sel
f
downbutit
snotwor
king

Her:youaret oxi
cSabel o.Yournegat i
veenergy
causedalloft hi
s.Youst ressedmeout .Youcaused
mybl oodpressuret orise.It
sallyourfaul
tandI
wantyououtofmyl if
e.Ihat eyouandIwi l
lnever
for
giveyouf orthis

Ishakemyhead

Me:youdon'
tmeant hat
.Thandiyoul
ovemeandI
l
oveyou.don'
tlett
hehurtf
orceyoutosayt
hings
youdon'
tmean
Her:youarenotworthyofbeingloved.Youdon' t
deservel
ove.Youdestroyeverygoodt hi
ngi nyour
l
ife.Youweremadet obethef uckedupper sonyou
areandyouwi l
lneverbeanythingmor ethanthat
person.Icur
seandr
egr
ett
hedayIl
etyoui
ntomy
l
ife

Ili
stenandt akeineverywordshesays.Eachone
cutti
ngdeepert hantheprevi
ousoneandallthe
tearsIneededtonumbt hepainofl
osi
ngmychi ld
comef loodi
ngnowasshescr eamsatmebutI
quickl
ywi pethem andstandup

Me:yout hinkyouar ebet t

ert hanme?Youar enot.
Youar eexactlyl
iket hel unat i
cthatgavebirthto
you.Youknowyouwi llcomebackcr awlingand
beggingformydi ck.Yout hinkjustbecauseyou
wenttoaf ewt herapysessi ons,youar ebetterthan
me?Guessagai nbecauseyouki l
ledyourown
damnchi ldandI '
m gl admychi l
disdead.He
deservesbet t
erthant ohaveaf uckedupmot her
l
ikeyou.Idi dn'
tevenmeani twhenIsai dIloveyou.
Ijustusedyouasabi nt oempt ymybaggageand
mysper ms
Thedoorswi
ngsopenandSambulowalksin
fol
lowedbyt
hedoct
or,
nursesandsecuri
ty

Doct
or:si
rIt
hinkyoushoul
dleave

Iwalktowardst
hedoorbutst
opjustbef
ore
reachi
ngitandt
urntol
ookatThandi

Me:haveagr
eatl
if
e.
ICANSAVEMYSELF
*
32*
<Sambul
o>
It
spainfult
owat chagreatthingfal
lapartbecause
twopeoplearetoohurttoconsiderthe
consequencesofthei
ractions.Inmyeyes, t
heyare
bothwrongbecausetheyusedeachot hers
weaknessestofightt
heirbatt
lesandnowt he
reasontheyarebothhurti
nghasbeencastasi de.
Sabeloisnotamanofmanywor dssot hesil
encein
mycaraswel
eavet
hehospi
tali
sjust
if
iedandi
let
hi
m be

Sabel
o:don'
ttakemehome.Takemet
omyhouse.I
wanttobeal
one
Me:I
'l
ltakeyout
omyhouse.I'
m notl
eavi
ngyou
al
onewhenyouar el
iket
his

Hedoesn' trespondnordoeshef i
ghtme.Thepl an
i
st oputever yt
hingandever yoneasideasIhelp
him getthrought hi
s.Iknowhewoul ddothesame
forme, i
t'
swhathedi dwhenIgotoutofhospi tal
aftermyacci dent.That'
stherelat
ionshipwehave,
wear ealwayst hereforeachotherbecausewe
knowwhati tsli
kehavingjusteachot heri
nour
corner.

Me:I
'
llcook.Youhel
pyour
sel
ftomyal
cohol
Hi
m:fir
stl
yyoudon'
tknowhowt ocookandIdon't
wantt
odieandsecondl
y,youhaveshi
tt
yalcohol
.
Me:mxm don'
tinsul
tme,
I'
mtr
yingt
ohel
pyouher
e
Hi
m:byki
ll
ingme?Nahbr
uhIst
il
lhaveal
if
etol
ive

Iorderpizza, hedr i
nksmyshi t
tyal coholal
though
hecompl ainswi t
hever ysiphet akes.Idon'tknow
whyhei sdr inkingitifhedoesn' twanti t
.Thepizza
arr
ivesjustasmyphoner ings,Icheckt hecall
erID
andwhenIseeSi mli
ndile'
sname, Idecli
nethecall.
Igetourpi zzaandweeat .Simi call
sagainandt hi
s
ti
meIswi t
chmyphoneof f.I'
l
ljusthavet oexplai
n
toheratal aterst agewhenal loft hishasblown
over

Me:youwer
ewr
ongbr
uh
Hi
m:ndi
yekemahnSambul
o
Me:Iwoul dn'
tbeagoodbr othertoyouifidi
dn'
ttel
l
youthetruth.Youshoul
dn'thavesaidthosethi
ngs
toher.Sheisfragi
leandshei shurt
ing
Him:soitwasf
ineforhertosayal
lthatshi
ttome?
BecausemnaI'
m nothurti
ngandandikhofr
agil
e?
Khawumebr
uh

Hedownshisglassofwhi
skey,pour
shi
msel
f
anot
heroneandhuffsbef
oretaki
ngasi
p

Him:shewaslashi
ngoutbutshepushedme.She
hitbel
owthebel
tandyouexpect
edmet oj
uststand
thereandt
akeit
?
Me:youshoul
dhavewal
kedaway
Him:howmanyt i
mesdi dItel
lyout
owal kaway
fr
om Simli
ndil
e?Andyouneverdidbecause
uyamthanda.Howam isupposedtowalkaway
fr
om umntuendimthandayo?
Me:youdon'tsaysuchhurtfult
hingst
oumntu
omthandayoSabelo.Hayindoda.Youdon'
t

Hegr unt
sthenlowershi
shead.Ther eissi
lence
againunti
lihearhi
m sobbingsoft
ly.I
'veknownthis
guymywhol elif
eandneverhaveIseenhi m soin
touchwithhisemoti
ons.I
'veneverseenhim
all
owi nghi msel ftofeel t
hepai n.Thesobsget
l
ouderandhef al lsonhi sknees.I thur tsf ormet o
watchhi ml iket hissoiwal kawayandheadt omy
bedr oom.Themomentmydoorcl oses, Ihearal oud
scream f r
om t hel oungeandmyhear tbreaks.The
scream i sf ollowedbyaf ewot hers, theyar emor e
ofroar st hant heyar escr eamsbutt heyar epainful.
Thent herei ssi lence.Igi vehim 30mi nut esbef orei
headbackt ot hel oungeandif indhi m passedout
ont hef l
oorl ayingi naf oet alposition.Imi ghtnot
knowwhati tsliket oloseachi ldandt ohaveyour
demonst hrowni nyourf acebutIf eelhi spai n
becausehei smybr other.Weshar edawomband
i
nawaywear eone.Thedayst hatf ollowedwer eno
dif
fer ent,hecr iedever yday, screami ngwhenI '
m not
i
nt her oom anddr i
nkingl i
ketherei snot omor r
ow.
Myr el ati
onshi pwi t
hSi mlindil
ehast akent hemost
str
ai novert hepastcoupl eofdays.Il astsawher5
daysagoandal thoughImi ssherl ikecr azy, my
brotherneedsme.I t
saMondayt odayandI 'm
surpr i
sedt ocomehomeandf i
ndi ngacl eanl ounge
andasoberbr ot her
Me:ei
ta
Sabel
o:sho
Me:whathappened?
Hi
m:ngant
oni
?
Me:ngawe

Iplacemyworkbagonthecouch,takemyshoes
offandunbut
tont
hetoptwobuttonsofmyshirt

Hi
m:whatar
eyout
alki
ngabout
?
Me:hayimahnuyazingi
khul
umangani
.Don'
tmake
mespelli
toutf
oryou
Him:mxm Uyadi kawithyourzuluspeakingass.
Mamacal l
ed, shoutedmef ordecadesbecause
yoursonandyourbr otherrat
tedmeoutf orfetchi
ng
them f
rom schooldr unk.Shewentonabouti fi
wanttokil
lmysel ft
henishouldn'tgethergrandson
andShakai nvolvedinthatandImustdi ealone.
Mamanevershout s.OKsheshoutsbutendsthe
shouti
ngoffbytel
lusshelovesus.Shemusthave
beenreal
lypi
ssedof ft
ogetthi
sonetogethisshi
t
toget
her

Me:wow.Sowhatnow?
Him:t
omorrowI'm goingbacktother
apy.Iknowi
st
art
edoffdoingitforThandibuti
twaswor ki
ngso
nowI'
lldoi
tformysel f
Me:haveyouspokent
oher
?

Heshakeshishead.Iknowihadtostophim afew
ti
mesf r
om drunkcal
li
ngherbecausethatwoul
d
nothaveendedwell

Him:Idon'tthi
nkIwantto.Notnowt hati
s.Iwant
togetthr
oughmyt herapysessions,putmyli
fe
backtogetherandt
akeitfrom t
here.Shealso
needstohealandmaybeaf t
erallt
hat,wecanpick
upt
hepi
eces
Me:doyout
hinkt
hat
'sst
il
lpossi
ble?

Heshrugshi sshoul
der
sandidecidetokeepquiet
aswell.ThenextdayIl
eaveworkat14h00wi t
ht he
i
ntent
ionofspendingti
mewi t
hSimi.Ical
lherjust
af
terparkingmycarattheschool

Si
mi:hel
lo
Me:baby
Her
:unj
ani
?
Me:I
'
mti
red.I
'
m her
etopi
ckyouup
Her
:OKgi
vemeaf
ewmi
nut
es

Whenshegetsinthecar,
Ireachoverf
orahugbut
sheblocksme.Il
etoutaloudsi
ghbeforest
art
ing
thei
gniti
on
Me:howar
eyou?
Her
:fi
ne

SheismadatmeandIt ot al
lyunderst
andwhy.I '
ve
beenMI Awit
houtgi vingherar easonbutI'm not
thekindofmant hatinvol vesmywomani nmy
probl
ems.I'
dr athertellyouaboutt heproblem and
howisolveditinsteadoft el
li
ngyouaboutt he
probl
em whenIdon' thaveasol utionf
orit.Wedr i
ve
i
nsi l
enceunt
ilwer eachherf lat
.Igoinwithherand
themomentwear eindoor s,
Icornerherforahug

Si
mi:whoi
sshe?

Ifr
ownandst ar
eather.Evenwhensheisangr
y,
shest
il
llooksgorgeousandthedi
mpleonherchi
n
l
ooksdeeperthanusual

Me:whatar
eyout
alki
ngabout
?
Her
:thewomant
hatyouhavebeenbusywi
th.Who
i
sshe?
Me:youthinkI
'
m cheat
ingonyou?Whywoul
dyou
t
hinkthat
?
Her:you'
vebeenMIAfor6daysnow,r
eject
ingmy
call
sandwhenyoudocallme,youdon'
tgivemean
explanat
ion.Whoi
ssheSambulo?Iwanttoknow

Shefoldsherar
msacr ossherchestandstaresat
meangr i
ly.Asi
fiwouldevercheatonthiswoman.
I'
mtoohappyandt ooinlovetobringdr
amaofa
mistr
essintomyli
fe.mylifei
salreadydramati
c
enough

Me:baby,
sthandwasami
I'
m notcheat
ingonyou
Her
:thenuphumaphi
?IswearSambul
ouzof
ayazi
.
Wenanomakhwapheniwakho

Il
augh,
shegi
vesmeadeat
hst
areandIst
if
lemy
l
augh
Me:whendidyougetsof
eist
y?Wer
en'
tyoushy
j
ustt
heotherday
Her:ngcelaungyeketuSambul o.Leavemeal
one
andgot oyourmi st
ress.Busyaskingmenott
o
l
eaveyoukant iuyazithatyouaresnacki
ng
el
sewher e.
Me:okl
ovewami
,comeher
e

Atfi
rstshet
ri
estoref
usebutIpul
lhert
othecouch
andmakehersitonmylap

Me:iwoul
dnever
,noti
nami
ll
ionyear
severcheat
onyou
Her
:thenwhat
'sgoi
ngon
Me:SabeloandThandilostthebaby.I'
vebeen
hel
pinghim gett
hrougheverythi
ng.Theyareboth
noti
nagoodspace, theysaidsomemeanand
hurt
fult
hingstoeachother.i
tsbeenacr azymess
Shegaspsandcover
shermout
h.Si
micanbeat
ad
bi
tdramati
c

Her:howi
sThandidoi
ng?Yhoshemustbegoi
ng
cr
azy
Me:Idon'tknowbaby.Ihaven'tseennorspokent
o
hersinceithappened.Sheshutmeoutbecauseof
whatSabel osai
dt oherbutMayacalledher
stepmotherandshehasbeenst ayingwithher
Her
:letmecal
lher
Me:l
aterbaby.I
'
m sor
ryI
'
vebeenMI
A.

Shelooksatwi
thoneeyebr
owr ai
sedandthe
seri
ousfacei
sbackon.Herlookki
ndahasme
squir
mingonmyseatri
ghtnow

Her:hadyoutol
dmeyouneededspace,
iwoul
d
haveunderst
oodbuti
nst
eadyoushutmeoutand
youl
etmeassumet
hewor
st
Me:I
'
m sor
rybutIdi
dn'
twantt
owor
ryyou
Her:Iwaswor ri
edAnyway.Youhaveto
communi catewit
hmeSambul o.Ican'
tworkonmy
ownassumpt i
onswhenyoucanjusteasi
lytel
lme
what'sgoingon

Isighbutshecont
inuesst
ari
ngatme,
wai
ti
ngf
ora
response

Me:I
'l
lworkonit
.I'
mjustnotusedt
orepor
ti
ngmy
movestoanyone
Her:itsnotrepor
ti
ng.Itscommunicat
ion.Two
diff
erentthi
ngsandi fyoucan'
tspott
hediff
erence
thenwewi l
lhaveproblemsgoi
ngforward
ICANSAVEMYSELF
*
33*
<Sl
indi
le>
I
'
m dat
ing.Nkosiyamiwhenl
astdi
dIgoonadat
e
withaman?I tsbeenyear sbuthereIam losingmy
mindoverwhatt owearandwhatt odot omyf ace.I
l
ikeamant hattakescontrol
,amant hatleads, you
knowamant hathasthatthi
ngmahnand
Oyintandoisthatkindofman.Ikeptgivinghim
excusesandhekeptf i
ghti
ngt hem wi
thsol ut
ions.A
problem sol
ver,averydeli
ciouslooki
ngpr obl
em
solver

Mama:ar
eyoumovi
ngout
?
Me:hawumamawhywoul
dyout
hinkI
'
m movi
ng
out
?
Her:t
heclothesallovert
heplace.Phel
aIknowhow
youare.Evenapaperont hesideoftheroadget
s
youcri
ngingalloverthepl
ace

Weshar ealaugh.Mymotheral
wayspokesathow
weir
dandOCDIam andweal wayslaughabouti
t.I
can'
thandleanythi
ngunt
idyspaceandthoseofyou
whothinkli
tt
eri
ngamountstojobcreat
ion,
stopi
t.
It
sdisgust
ing
Me:Ihaveadat
e
Her
:unamanga
Me:hawumamawhyi
sitsohar
dforyout
obel
ieve
t
hatIhaveadat
e?
Her
:let
sleavet
hat
.Whoi
she?
Me:hayikemamaisaidIhaveadate,Idi
dn'
tsay
theguyiscomingt
opaylobol
a.I
'l
ltel
lyouabout
him whenIdeci
dei
fheisheret
ostayoruyadlul
a
nomoya

Sheleavesmewhi leIconti
nuestressi
ngovert his
outfi
tsituati
on.it
'sthefir
stweekofsummersoI
needabl oomingout f
it
.Somet hi
ngthatwi l
lmake
mecomeal i
ve.Isettl
eforanudecockt ailumbrella
dressthatcomesj ustabouttheknees.Ithasf l
oral
detai
lfrom thewai stdownandi t'
sopenatt heback.
Thisoneexper iencehasmademer eal
izethatI
needtogoshoppi ngasi nyester
day.I'
m dat i
ngnow
soIneeddat efri
endlydresses.Myphoner i
ngsjust
asI'mfi
xingmyweave.ThereasonI'
m always
brokei
sbecauseIspendmymoneyonweaves,
shoesandSavannah.I
tsaroughli
fethatIl
ive

Me:hel
lo
Oyi
ntando:mnt
uwami

Igi
ggle.hei
sli
kechocolatet
hisone;brown,yummy
andsweet.Byyummy, imeanyummyt ot heeye
becauseIst
il
lhaven'
ttast
edallt
hatsexiness

Me:unj
animychocol
ate?

Helaughs.I'
m sti
llsmi
li
ngasi
fhecanseeme.i
ts
j
usttheeffecthehasonme.It
sbeentwoandahalf
weekssinceIagreedtobehi
sgir
lf
ri
endandi
ts
beenagood17days

Hi
m:ndi
zaw'
bar
ightonl
yaf
terI
'
veseenyou.you
r
eady?
Me:I
'm al
mostr
eady.I
fyoul
eavenow,
I'
llber
eady
byt
hetimeyougether
e
Hi
m:OKkel al
awam,I
'
llbet
her
esoon.
Ndyakt
handaevha
Me:Ihearyoul
ala.Loudandcl
ear
Hi
m:shapkemnt
uwam

HehangsupandIf indmysel fst

il
lsmiling3mi nutes
l
ater.Idon'twanttof al
lforhimtohar dandt oofast
butIdon'tthi
nkIcancont r
olit.I
'
m embr acingthe
happiness.Byt het
imehear ri
ves,I'
mr eady.Face
beatonpoi nt
,haironpoi nt,
dressonpoi nt
ishand
shoesonpoi nt.Igrabmyhandbagandwal ktomy
mother'sroom.Iopent hedooraf teraf ewknocks

Me:I
'
mleavi
ngmama
Mama:oknana,
enj
oy.Iwon'
twai
tup.Ukhi
ye
emnyangoandt
hegat
e
Me:okma,
ngyabuyat
hough

Iblowheraki ssandheadout .Ifi

ndOyi ntando
standingagainsthiscarandlucki
lyhepar ked
cl
osert othestreetl
ightsoigettotakeagoodl ook
athisoutfit
.beigechinos,whi
teChinesecol l
arshi
rt
andwhi tesneakers.Helooksli
keadr eam.The
smi l
eonhi sfaceashewr apshisarmsar oundme
i
scont agiousbecauseIf i
ndmyselfsmi l
ingaswell
asitakei nhisscent

Oyi
ntando:wow.Youl
ookamazi
ngl
ovewami
Me:ngyabongababy.Youl
ooksmashi
ngt
oo.New
car
?
Hi
m:nah,
justoneofmyf
avor
it
es

Heopensthedoorforme.Inoticet
hisisajaguar.
I
tschampagneincolourwithskybl
ueleatherseat
s.
Hegetsi
nthedri
ver'sseatandwedr i
veoff
Me:l
alahowmanycar
sdoyouhave?
Hi
m:5.2AMGs,
thi
sone,
anX6andawi
ldt
rak.Why?
Me:gi
vemeone
Hi
m:okwhi
chonedoyouwant
?

HaiboImeantthatasajoke,whydi dhehaveto
agreesoeasi
ly?Iwasexpect i
ngapr ot
estofsome
sort.Whi
chmanwi llj
ustagreetogiveyouoneof
hiscarsj
ustl
ikethat?I
'mfrom eMlazi,
suchmen
havenotbeenbornyetinourar ea

Me:hai
boNt
andoI
'
mjoki
ng
Hi
m:butl
alayoudoNeedacar
Me:andI
'
llbuyonewhenIcanaf
for
done
Hi
m:hmm OK

Ther
estoftheri
deisafunone,wel
ist
ent
omusic
andt
alk.Wearealwayst
alki
ng,
weneverr
unoutof
thi
ngstosayandIal waysdi scoversomet hi
ngnew
abouthim duri
ngourconver sati
ons.Oysterboxis
whereI'
m beingtakenfordinner.I'
vebeenher ea
coupleofti
mesandi tsoneofmyf avorit
es.We
orderourdri
nkswhilesti
llbrowsingthroughthe
menu

Hi
m:canyoucook?
Me:canyoubui
ldahouse?

Hest art
slaughing.Thatquest
ionjustannoysme
becausenextt hi
ngt heguywil
lexpectmet oquit
myj obandl i
vetherestofmylifepregnantand
barefootinthekit
chen.Couldneverbeme

Him:Idi
dn'tmeani
tli
kethat
.Il
ovef
oodandIknow
I
'm abeastint
heki
tchen
Me:youare?Iwouldneverhaveguessedthat
.I
can'
tcooktosavemylif
eandi t
snotthatIhaven'
t
tr
iedbecauset
rustmeIhavebutitsalwaysa
di
saster
.Si
mli
ndi
lei
sthechefi
nourf
ami
ly.She
get
sitfr
om mama
Hi
m:Ienj
oyi
t.I
tst
her
apeut
ic

Ourf oodar r
ivesandwedi gin.Itsamazi ngand
Oyintandokeepscl ai
mi ngthathecooksbet terthan
thechefi nthisplace.ourdatet urnsoutt obe
amazi ng,I'
m amazedbyt hisguy.Ever ylayerIpeel
offbringsoutsomet hi
ngamazi ng.ifIbelievedi n
perfectpeople, I
'dt
hinkhei strulyperfect.Af ter
dinnerwedr ivet ohishouse.Idon' tknowf orwhat
becausei tsalreadyafter10pm andmyshi ftstart
s
at6am t omor r
ow

Me:Nt
ando
Him:I'
lldr
iveyouhomei nthemor
ning.Ij
ustwant
tospendtheni ghtwi
thyouinmyarmsplusyoust
il
l
haveunder wearhere

Hesayst
hel
astpar
twi
thabi
tofasmi
rkonhi
s
f
ace.ohwell
,imi
ghtaswell
.I'
vebeencr
avi
ngt
his
mansinceIsawhi
m wit
houtclot
heson.

Hi
m:shower
?
Me:bat
hformepl
ease
Hi
m:gl
assofSavannah?
Me:uyazinj
enawel
ala

Helaughsandismi leasimakemywayupst ai
rsto
themainbedr oom.Hewal ksi njustasIwrapa
towelaroundmybody, wat erisalreadyr
unningin
thebathtub.Heiscarr
yingmygl assofSavannah
andadumpyofWi ndhoekdr aught

Hi
m:al
readyget
ti
ngst
art
edwi
thoutme?
Me:youwantashowernj
ewena
Him:Iwantabat
hnowbecauseyouar
etaki
nga
bath
Me:butIwantt
owatchyoushower
ingwhi
leI
'
m
l
ayi
nginthebatht
ubwit
hmyalcohol

Hechuckl esthenshakeshi shead.Il ovehowhe

entert
ainsmyi deasandfantasieswi thoutprot
est.I
takemyal coholandheadt ot hebat hroom toturn
offthewat erthengetinmybubbl es.Af ewmi nutes
l
ater,hewal ksinnakedwi t
ht hetowelonhi s
shoulders.Ican'thelpbutst
ar e,I
'dbebl indnotto.
Hisbodyi sjustperfect
lysculpted,from headtot oe.

Him:stopst
aring,
yougoi
ngt
ospi
llSavannahi
n
yourbathwater
Me:mxm uyaphapha

Hegetsintheshowerbooth,t
urnsthewateron
whi
leigetcomfortabl
eandwat chhi
m.I'mtort
uri
ng
mysel
fbutitsworthit
,whenyouhaveamant hat
l
ooksthi
sgood, i
tsaninj
usti
cenottostare.
Him:babyuyahl
ambaaphooryouar
ejustst
ari
ng
atme
Me:bot
h
Hi
m:Idon'
thearwat
ermovi
ngt
hough

Ii
gnorehi m,pl
acet heemptygl assonthefl
oorand
scrubmybody, leavingmyf acethenwhenI '
m done,
Igetout.Healsoget soutbutmyeyesdon' tfol
low
him.Igetmyf acialwipesfr
om mybaganddeal
withmyf acebeforewashingi twit
hjustcol
dwat er
.
WhenI '
m donecl eaningt
het ub,Imakemyway
backtothebedr oom wherehei sputt
inglot
ionon
hisbody

Hi
m:ngi
kthambi
se?
Me:andt
hatmeans?

Hel
if
tst
heNi
veamencont
aineri
ntheai
r
Hi
m:shoul
dI?

Inodandhewal
kst
owar
dsmewi
tht
hebi
ggest
smil
eever

Me:don'
tgeti
deasHadebe
Hi
m:noi
deasmnt
uwami
.Ndi
zakt
hambi
saqha

Hepartsmylegsandstar
tsmoi
stur
isi
ngthelef
tleg
fr
om thet
oesallt
hewaytomyinnerthi
gh.Igasp
soft
lyashi
sthumbgrazesmyopen

Hi
m:uxol
o

Hesaysthi
ssoft
ly,
mindyouheissti
llnakedas
wel
l.Hemovesontotheri
ghtl
egthent ur
nsme
ar
oundtoapplyl
oti
ononmybut t
.hetakeshis
sweett
imerubbi
ngmybuttcheeksandgivingt
hem
asqueeze
Hi
m:Il
oveyourass
Me:moveal
ongMi
ster

Hechuckles,spanksmybut tthengetsonhi sfeet

andthat'
swhenIr eal
izethatuHadebeisst anding
atatt
enti
onandhei shuge, hardandveiny.I
swall
owhar dasOyintandocont i
nueswithput t
ing
l
otiononmyupperbody.It hinkI'
m goingtoenj oy
thi
ssleepover.
ICANSAVEMYSELF
*
34*
<Si
mli
ndi
le>
Schoolsareclosedforaweeksincei t'
sthe
SeptemberbreakandSambul oist aki
ngLwandiso
andIonami niholidayt
oStLuci a.Ithi
nkheneeds
i
tmor ethanwedobutI 'm happywear egoingon
thi
stri
p.
Hewal ksi
nasifi
nishpacki
ng,
staresatmyopen
sui
tcaseonthebedthenmoveshiseyesbet
ween
mycl
othes,
myshoesandme

Me:andnow?
Sambulo:Ididment
iont
hatwear
eonl
ygoi
ngaway
for5daysright
?
Me:youdi
dandt
hesear
ecl
othesf
or5days

Hecockshi
seyebr
owatmebef
orethrowi
ng
hi
mselfont
hebed.Ont
opofmyclot
hes

Me:sukaSambul
ohawu
Hi
m:I
'
mti
redbabe.Massagepl
ease
Me:I
'
m packi
ngnj
eandgetof
fmycl
othes
Him:don'
tbehear
tl
essMaMvel
ase.Yourman
needsyou

Hestart
ssul
kingandpul
li
ngallsor
tsofcut
efaces
butist
aystr
ongandnotfal
lforanyoft
hem.Ifi
enter
tai
nhi
m, iknowiwon' tgetanythi
ngpacked
andwewon'tgoanywher e.Ican'tevenconti
nue
packi
ngbecauseheislayingonmycl othes

Me:youar
esuchabi
gbaby
Him:I
'
m yourbabybutyouj
ustsuckatt
aki
ngcar
e
ofme
Me:wowI
'
m of
fended
Hi
m:Vel
ebeof
fended,
iqi
nisol
iyababasi
si

Igr
untandhuf
fasitrytopushhim offt
hebedbut
i
tsasifhei
sgluedtothedamnthing.Heist
ryi
ng
ver
yhardnott
olaughatmyuselessat t
empt
s

Him:i
fIf
allof
fthi
sbed,
I'
m cal
li
ngmymom andt
he
pol
ice
Me:I
'
m notscar
edofanyoft
hosepeopl
e
Hi
m:unamanga,youal
mostwetyourpant
swhen
mymom walkedinusmaki
ngoutinherki
tchen
Hechuckl esbeforesitt
ingup.I '
mt r yi
ngveryhar d
nott oremembert hatday.Itwasal lhisfaul
tnjalo
becauseIwasmaki ngasandwi chf orLwandiso
whenhewal kedinandpr essedhi mselfagainstme
from behind.HeknowshowweekIgetwhenhe
startsgettingsexualwithme.West art
edkissi
ng, he
placedmeont hecount erandgotbet weenmyl egs
directi
nghi shardondi rectlyatmycover edmoul d.
Wewer esol ostinthemomentt hatwhenIhear d
hismot her '
svoice,Ial
mostf el
lrightof ft
hecount er
.
Ihaven'tbeenabl et ol
ookheri nt heeyeeversi nce
thatincident

Me:mxm angi
thiuwena
Hi
m:idi
dn'
tdoanyt
hingapar
tfr
om l
ovi
ngmybaby.
Woza
Me:no.Suka
Hi
m:comeonnana,
woza
Whenhei sbeingallplayful
,it
'st
hecutestthi
ngbut
idon'tneedhimt obecut er i
ghtnow,Ineedhimt o
move.Heget supaf t
erIshakemyhead, wi
thout
taki
nghi seyesoffme, hepull
smet owardshim and
Icrashonhi schest.Heki ssesmyf or
ehead.Heis
anobsessedf or
eheadki sser

Hi
m:youdon'
twantme
Me:Iwantt
opack
Hi
m:butnanaineedamassager
ighther
e

Het akesmyhandandpr essesithardonhis

erecti
oncausi ngmetoswall
owhar d.Ithi
nkI'
ml ow
keyslowi ngbecomingasexaddictbecauseIfeel
mysel fgett
ingmoisti
nst
antl
y

Hi
m:kancanenj
ebaby
Me:I
'
m busySambul
o
Myspeechisalmostslurred,hi
ssoftli
psareonmy
neckandmyhandi sstil
lonhi shardon.Imassage
hi
m slowl
yoverhissweatpant sandinst
antl
yhear
hi
m moanagainstmyski n.Hisgroangetslouder
whenmyhandsl i
desintohi spantsandIfeelt
he
warmthofhi
slength

Hi
m:Iswearyouownme

Hi
slipsmovet omineandhekissesmeroughly
whil
er ubbi
ngmymoul dovermypanti
es.The
f
oreplaythatfoll
owsisal
mostasgoodast hesex
wehaveaf ter
war ds

Me:pleasegotoyourbrother'
spl
aceorsomet
hing
becauseIneedtofi
nishthis

Helaughs.wearelayi
ngnakednexttoeachother
onthefl
oor.I
'm st
il
lcat
chingmybreathbuthi
s
fi
ngersareal
readydanci
nginsi
deme.Hepushes
them deeperint hemomentIt r
ytogetup.But
Sambul oissuchapr oblem,aprobl
em Ilovedear
ly
butsti
llapr oblem.Itsonlywhenhisphoner i
ngs
thatheget sdistract
edandij umpup.Ineeda
showerbecauseIsmel lofacombinati
onofsexand
hisscent.Iloveitthough.Imanaget oescapehim
andgeti ntheshowerwhi leheisonhisphone.A
fewmi nutespassandt hedooropens

Me:l
eavemeal
onepl
ease

Heisfullydressed,carkeysandphonei nhi shand.

Hechuckl esthenshakeshi shead.I
'm sti
llnotused
toHim beingmi neandonl ymine.Somet i
meshe
doesthingst hatmakehim seem soper f
ect.Heis
ever
ythingIhaveeverneededf r
om loveand
ever
ythingI'veeverwantedi naman

Him:wearenotdonebutIhavet
obesomewher
e
r
ightnow.I
'l
lcomebacknoLwandiso
Me:haveyoupacked?
Hi
m:Idon'
tneedt
opack,
Icanweart
hesameout
fi
t
t
heent
ir
e5days
Me:excuseme?What
?

Youwouldthi
nkhei sjoki
ngyazbutiknowthi
s
manofmineverywel l
.Heisverycapabl
eof
wear
ingsweatpantsandaT-shir
tfor5days
st
rai
ghtwit
houtfeeli
nganyshame

Him:youcanpackf
ormewenababyi
fyouseea
needto
Me:mxm iknewi
twoul
dendupther
e.Okshap
cl
oset
hedoorIneedt
oshower
Hi
m:Il
oveyounana.I
'
llseeyoui
naf
ewhour
s

Iwavet henhecl
osesthedoor.Ihavet
hisf
earof
soundingcli
ngyorneedyal
lthetimesoIdon'
task
him wherehegoes.Ther
earetimeswhenhetell
s
meandifhedoesn'
t,
namiIdon'task.Idon'
twant
t
ogivehi
m areasontochangehismindaboutme
Af t
ermyshower ,iwrapupmypacki ngthenget
startedonhi s.I'm notgoingt obef ussy,thisisthe
samemant hatseesnoneedt opackanyway.I
throwt -
shir
ts, shortsandsweat pantsi nhissports
bagt heniremembert hathewi llneedunder wear
toosoIsear chhi sdrawerf orsocksaswel l.There
i
sabr ownA4envel opeunderhi ssocksandi thas
mynameoni t
.Tempt ati
oncr eepst hroughmeandI
pullitbutIdon' topeni t
.Whywoul dSambul ohave
ahi ddenenvel opewi thmynameoni t
?Itdoesn't
makesense.Ideci detoputi tbackwher eIfoundi t
.
I'
llj
ustaskhi m abouti tlater.Myphoner ings
i
ndi cati
ngacal lfr
om mymot her

Me:mama
Mom:Si
mli
ndi
le,
unj
ani
?
Me:I
'
m goodmaandyou?
Her
:I'
mfi
ne.Wher
eisyoursi
ster
?
Me:Idon'
tknow.It
houghtshei
sther
eathome

WellSlihasbeenoutandaboutsinceshest
arted
dat
ingOyi nt
ando.Theyarealwaysgoi
ngout,ei
t her
tofesti
valsoronweekendsawayandIdon'tthink
sheremember sthatshesti
llhasaphonewhenshe
i
swi ththatman

Her
:tel
lhert
ocal
lme.I
'
m wor
ri
ed
Me:OKmama
Her
:andcomeoverf
orl
uncht
omor
row.Br
ing
Sambul
o
Me:wear
egoi
ngawayt
omor
rowmama
Her:st
arther
eforluncht
hengoaway.Imi
ssyou.
youandyoursist
erhavelef
tmeher
eallonmyown

Washa!Theemot
ionalbl
ackmai
lhasbeen
unl
eashed
Me:I
'
llt
alkt
ohi
m
Her:good.ar
eyouhappykodwaSi
mli
ndi
le?Iwor
ry
aboutyouthemost
.Yougrewuptoof
ast

Isi
gh.I'
m happy.I
tsjustthatthemor eIstayinthi
s
rel
ati
onshi
p,themoreIrealizethatidon'
tknowhow
total
ktohim.I'
m soobsessedwi t
hwant i
ngt okeep
himthatIf
eelasifIcan'tbehonestwi t
hhi m

Me:I
'
m happymama
Her
:that
'
sal
lIneed.I
'
llseeyout
omor
rowt
hen

Wehangupandmymi ndimmedi atel

ygoesbackt o
thatenvel
ope.Iwonderwhat '
sini t
.Ipusht he
thoughttothebackofmymi ndandst artcooking
supper.SinceLwandisoiscomi ngover,Ihavet o
makeaf ullmeal.LwandisoandIgetal ongwel land
heissuchahappychi l
d.Justtakehimt othe
casinoandgi vehi
micecr eam thenyoubecomehi s
favori
teperson.HewalksinwithSambul ojustasI
f
ini
shcooki
ng

Lwandi
so:mommy

Hesmil
eswhil
esl
owlywal
kingtowardsmet
hen
gi
vesmeahug.Sambul
owat chesuswit
hasmi
le
onhi
sface.

Me:imi
ssedyou
Lwandi
so:met
oo.ubabadoesn'
twantmet
ovi
sit
dur
ingt
heweek
Sambul
o:whi
chbaba?
Lwandiso:t
heot
herone.Hesaysvi
sit
ingi
sfor
weekends

Il
iftmyeyestolookatSambul
owhoi sn'
teven
l
ookingatmebutf ocusi
ngonhi
sson.LastI
checkedLwandisoli
vedwit
hSambulo'spar
ents.I
didn'
tknowthatSabelot
ookhi
m agai
n.Sabelo
bet
ternotbeusi
ngthi
schi
ldt
ohidehi
spai
nof
l
osingthechi
ldhewasgoi
ngtohavewi
thThandi

Me:okboy,
goputyourbagi
nyourr
oom
Lwandi
so:okmommy

Everyt
imehecallsmemommy, myheartdoes
cart
wheel
s.Itgetsmecuri
ousonwhatki ndof
motherwi
llIbeoneday,wil
lIhaveadaughterora
sonandwhatwi l
lInamethem?Curiosi
tygetst
he
bett
erofme.IfeelSambul
o'seyesonmeandIl ook
up

Sambul
o:het
ookhi
m back
Me:i
shecopi
ng?

Heshr
ugshi
sshoul
der
s
Him:hesayshei
sandLwandi
sodoesn'
tsound
t
raumati
zedsoIguesshei
s

Isigh.IneedtocheckonThandisoon.Ithi
nkI'
ve
givenherenoughspacenow.Whatshei sgoing
throughcan'tbeeasy,t
akeitfr
om someonethat
hasbeenwher esheisri
ghtnow.
ICANSAVEMYSELF
*
35*
<Sambul
o>
Ihatel ooseendswhi chi swhyIl i
ket odot hings
mysel fsoIknowwhot obl amewhenshi thitsthe
fan.It
sl essadmi nandl essbl ankf aceswhen
questionsar easked.Thecal lIreceivedwasf r
om
Oyandi saandt herearepr oblemswi thwhatwedi d
toNgcobo.Theguyt hatOyandi sapr ai
sedt obe
trust
edsuddenl yseemst obeanamat eur.Idon't
knowwhet herhei sbrokenoworwhatbuthei s
talki
ngandhei stalki
ngt ot hewr ongpeopl e.Imet
upwi thmybr ot
herandmycousi natSabel o's
houseandt hat'
swheni tcameoutt hatNgcobo' s
brotherismakingfrequentvi
sit
stot hepol
ice
stati
onandaski ngtoomanyquest i
ons.Idon'tneed
this,notwhenthingsaregoingsowel lbet
ween
Simlindil
eandI.Ican'thaveherfi
ndingoutthatI
hadsomet hi
ngtodowi thsomeone'sdeath.She
l
ovesmebutIknowshewon' tf
orgiveme

Me:youcooked?
Simi:Iknewyouwoul
dn'
tbr
ingf
oodandachi
ld
needsf ood
Me:whatchi
ld?Lwandi
soi
sagr
ownman.10year
s
ol
disgrown
Her
:youar
eannoyi
ngme
Me:Il
oveyou

Sher ol
lshereyes.Idon'tthi
nkshereali
zesjust
howmuchImeant hosewor dseveryti
met hey
comeoutofmymout h.Shei stheoneforme, I
'
m
happywi t
hherandIgett obemyselffull
ywithout
gett
ingjudged.Honestlyshei smybestfri
end,well
af
terSabel
oofcour
se

Her
:Ipackedf
oryou
Me:ngyabonganana.Youdi
dn'
thavet
obutI
'
m
gl
adyoudid

Wewalktothecouch,t
hemomentisitdown,Ipul
l
hert
osnugglecl
osethenIki
ssherf
orehead

Her
:ther
eisanenvel
opei
nyoursockdr
awer
Me:di
dyouopeni
t?
Her
:wel
lithadmynameoni
t
Me:soyouopenedi
t?

That'
stheenvelopeIgotfrom Pet
eraft
erIasked
himtodiguponSi mlindi
leandNgcobo.Obviousl
y
ther
eisn'
tanythingaboutNgcobo'sdeat
hinthere
becauseIgottheenvelopewhilehewasstil
lal
ive
Her
:Idi
dn'
topeni
t.Ir
espectyourpr
ivacy
Me:oh

Sheshi
ft
suncomf
ort
abl
y

Her
:what
'si
nit
?
Me:yilandeandopenit
.Idon'tkeepsecretsfrom
youSiml i
ndil
eandIdon'
thideanythi
ngf rom you.
Obviouslyther
earesomethingsIhaven'ttol
dyou
yetbutifyouaskmeaboutt hem,Iwouldn'tl
ieto
you
Her
:whatar
ethoset
hings?
Me:nanagofet
cht
heenvel
opesowet
ackl
eone
t
hingatati
me

Asshegetsup,Lwandi
sowalksinandsit
sonthe
ot
hercouch.I
'
m uncomfor
table,
thi
sthi
ngwit
h
Oyandi
sa'
sguyisgivi
ngmeaheadache.Wecan't
thr
owmoneyatt heguy,itwi
llr
aisetoomany
questi
onsespeci
all
ywithNgcobo'sbrot
heral
ready
pokinghi
snoseinthis

Lwandi
so:baba
Me:yaboy
Hi
m:whenar
ewegoi
ng?
Me:t
omor
row.Why?
Hi
m:canwegot
othecasi
not
oday?

Ilaugh.Wear eraisi
ngagambl i
ngaddi cthere,Ican
feeli
t.Thiskidlooksli
kehismot hermorethanhe
l
ooksl ikeSabelowhichmeanshedoesn' tl
ookl i
ke
meei ther.IwonderifSneeverthinksabouthim
becauseshenevercal lsandtheonl ynumber
Sabelohadt oreachherdoesn'twor kanymor e

Me:i
tsl
ateboy.Maybeksasa
Hi
m:okksasai
tis
Me:isai
dmaybe.gocheckonmommy.Tel
lherI
mi
ssher

Hejumpsupandr unsoff.Ihaven'
tthoughtabout
ki
dsofmyown, myr el
ationshipi
sstil
lfr
eshandI'
m
enj
oyi
ngitjustt
hewayi tis.Idowantkidsoneday
butj
ustnotri
ghtnow.Lwandi soi
senough

Simi
:gotit
.Iwassti
llr
unni
ngabat
hforLwandi
so
andi
roninghi
spyjamas

Ishakemyheadandshesi
deeyesme

Me:youbabyhi
m.That
'swhyheneverwant
sto
l
eavewhenhecomestovi
sit
Her
:Il
ovehavi
nghi
m ar
ound.Anywayl
et'
sgett
o
t
his

Shesi
tsnextt
omeandhandsmet
heenvel
opebut
Idon'
ttakei
t

Me:openi
t

Sheslowlyopenstheenvelopeandtakesoutthe
paper
sinside.aft
erscanni
ngthroughthem f
ora
fewminutes,ihearhergr
untacoupleofti
mest hen
sheshovesthem backin

Her
:yi
nil
eSambul
o?
Me:r
esear
ch
Her
:youresearchedme?Whywoul dyoudothat?
Thi
sinf
ormationispr
ivat
e,i
tsper
sonal.Youhave
nori
ghttoi
t

Isi
gh,t
ryt
opullhercl
osert
omebutshest
andsup
andIst
andtoo
Me:Iwant
edt
ogett
oknowyou
Her:andyoucouldn'
tjustask?TheBet teropt
ionf
or
youwast osnoop?I'
m entit
ledtomypr ivacy
Sambuloandyoushoul drespectthat.Whatifi
didn'
twantyoutoknowal lthi
sstuffaboutme?

Isigh.Shei
sont hevergeofbur st
ingintotearsand
Ifeell
ikecr
apr i
ghtnow.Iwontevent rytoexpl ai
n
toherwhyIdi dit
,shejustwon'tgetit
.Shei s
alr
eadymad, Idon'twantherdoingsomet hing
crazyli
kewalkingoutonme.Iwoul ddie

Me:I
'
m sor
ry
Her
:no.Don'
tbesor
ry.Tel
lmewhy

Ihuff
,rubmyeyesbef
oreshovi
ngmyhandsi
nmy
pockets

Me:I
'
m sor
rySi
mli
ndi
le
Sheshakesherhead

Me:Idon'tknowwhatyouwantmet osay.Il
ooked
youupbecauseIwant edtogett
oknowyou.You
werethrowingi
tinmyf acet
hatyouar
emar r
iedand
youhavenoi nt
eresti
nmesohowel sewasI
supposedtogettoknowyou?
Her
:don'
tbr
ingmymar
ri
agei
ntot
his
Me:I
'm not.I
'
mjustsayi
ngt
hatyouhi
dbehi
ndi
t
whenIreachedoutt
oyou
Her:andyoucouldn'
tjustrespectt
hat
.Youhadto
secret
lygetmynumber ,youalmostgotmekil
led
andallofthatf
orwhat?soyoucangett oknowme?

Thosewor dstookmebackt othedayshekicked

meoutofherhospi t
alroom,thefeel
ingofr
eject
ion
Ifel
tthatdaycomesr ushi
ngbackandIslowly
retr
eatbacktothecouch.Sil
encefil
lst
heroom.I
honestl
ydon'tknowwhatmor etosayandbecause
I'
m hurt
,I'
m coi
li
ngbackemot
ional
lyl
ikea
centi
pede.Shehuff
sasshedropsontheother
couch

Her:youhadnor
ightt
odot
hatandIdon'
taccept
yourapol
ogy
Me:OK

Idon'tlookup,I
'mt r
yingveryhardtoshi
ftmy
emot i
ons.Ihatefeel
inganegat i
veemoti
on,it
s
taxi
ngandl eavesmedr ainedfordayssoI'
drather
blockitout

Her
:I'
m goi
ngbackt
omyf
lat

Irai
semyeyesandst
areatherf
orashor
twhi
le
befor
edr
oppingt
hem agai
n

Me:OK
Her
:ist
hatal
lyouar
egoi
ngt
osay?
Me:youar eagr ownwomanSi mli
ndil
eandyouar e
smarttoosor eallyIdon'tknowwhatyouwantme
tosay.Iapologizedandyousai dyoudon'
taccept
myapol ogywhichi sfine.Nowyousayyouwantt o
l
eaveandyouhaveever yr i
ghttodothat
,thisisnot
j
ail
.I'
m usedt othis.I'
m usedt opeopl
ewal ki
ng
awayf r
om me, itsbeenhappeni ngtomeal lmylif
e
sothisisn'
tsomet hingnew

Shefol
lowsmewi thhereyesasIl eavetheroom.
I'
m hur
t,Iwon'
teventrytohidet hat.Shepromised
meshewoul dneverleaveme.Shesai dsheloves
meandt hemomentshef i
ndssomet hi
ngshe
doesn'
tli
keshewantst oleave.IcheckonLwandi so
whoisstil
lsi
ngi
ngof ftuneinthet ubandpulli
ngoff
somecrazyarm dances

Me:heyndoda
Lwandi
so:baba
Me:whenyouaredonehereanddressedask
mommyt odishupf
oryoubutifsheisgone,
come
t
omeandI '
lldi
shupforyou
Hi
m:wher
eismommygoi
ng?
Me:Idon'
tknow

Iwalkaway,sl
am mybedroom doorthent hrow
myselfonthebed.Thel
ight
sareoutsoi tsdar kbut
Imanagetofindmyearphones,pl
ugthem i ntomy
phonethenli
stenedt
omusicwiththelightsoff.
Idon'tknowhowI 'mfeeling,ithasn'thitmeyet .AllI
feelri
ghtnowisempt inessandpai n.That '
sit.I
don'tknowwhenidosedof fbutwhenIwokeupi t
was1am, t
hemusi cisstil
lblasti
ngi nmyear s.You
knowt hatf
eeli
ngyougetwhenyour eal
izethat
everythi
ngisspinni
ngoutofcont rol?That
dizzi
nessandnauseat ingfeelingofhel plessness.
That'showI'mfeeli
ngnow.
Imakemywayt othekit
chen,
passi
ngbythelounge
andIspotmygir
lf
riendsl
eepi
ngonthecouch.My
soni
salsoasl
eepont hesamecouch.
Isi
gh
Afterwar mi ngmyf ood,Igobackt omyr oom, turn
thelightsonandpl acethepl at
eont heside
pedast al.Itakethebl anketfrom thepassagel inen
cabinetandpl acei toverSimiandLwandi sot hen
headbackt otheroom.Ishoul dbehappyt hatshe
i
sher eright?Ishoul dbehappyt hatshedi dn'tleave
butI'm not .IfanythingI'
mj ustnumbt oalloft his.
Herwor dsar estil
lechoingi nmyhead.Thef act
thatleavingmei st hefir
stthingthatcomest oher
mindwhenwef i
ghti smakingmef eelveryuneasy.
ThenextdayIwakeupLat ert
hanusual.Wear e
supposedtoleavef
orourweekawayt odaybut
thi
ngsaretense.Si
miwal ksinjustasIgetoutof
bed.Oureyeslockforafewsecondsbef oreshe
dropsthem andwalkstowardsthecloset

Me:mor
ning
Si
mi:hey
Me:whyar
eyoust
il
lher
e?
ICANSAVEMYSELF
*
36*
<Sabel
o>
Iwakeupwi t
habangi ngheadacheandasorebody.
Ireall
yneedt osl
owdownont hedri
nkingandt
he
partyi
ngbecauseI'm notasyoungasIusedtobe
andr ecover
ytimeseemst obelongernow.
Theshuf fl
eandmovementnextt omeal ert
sme
thatididnotcomehomeal onelastni
ght.Wewer e
outatt heshi
sanyamawi thLukeandKuhl e.We've
l
ostt woofoursol di
erstoloveandcommi tment
andt heysett
ledforspendingti
mewi t
ht hei
r
girl
fr
iendsinsteadofjoi
ningusforaboysni ghtout.
Fall
ensol di
ers.Anywayweendedupbl essingafew
studentsandImusthavegonehomewi thoneof
them.
I
tsaSaturdayt
odaysoI'm notr
ushi
nganywher
e.
Theplani
st or
ecoverf
ull
ybeforet
aki
ngonthe
weekend.
That'
showmyl if
ehasbeensincethewhol
ebaby
saga.I
'vebeendeal
i
ngwitheveryt
hingt
hebestway
Iknowhow, wit
hl otsofalcoholandmeani ngless
sex.Thandigotundermyski n,shemademel ove
her,Il
ostcontroloverherandshecont roll
edme
withoutevenknowi ngi
t.ShemademeweakandI
needt ofi
ndmysel fandresurrecttheoldSabelo.I
haven'tseenherinoveramont hbutI'm st
il
lgoing
totherapy.i
tfeelsmeani nglesswi t
houtherinmy
l
ifeanymor ebutI'm sti
llgi
vingi tashot

?
?:mor
ningsexy

Shesmilesasshereposi
ti
onsandlaysonherside
faci
ngme.Sheiscutewithchubbycheeksandbig
eyes.Ir
etur
nthesmilebef
oregett
ingoutofbed.

Me:mor
ningt
oyout
oo

I'
mt r
yingt
oremembert hi
sgir
l'
snamebutmybr ai
n
i
sf ai
li
ngme.Afterpeei
ngandwashingmyfaceI
headbacktothebedroom.I'
minjustmybr
iefs,
iti
s
myhouseaf
teral
l

Me:wewer
equi
tewast
edl
astni
ghthey

Shesitsup, t
ri
estocoverherbar
echestwi t
hthe
duvetandt hatswhenigetagoodlookather.thi
s
gi
rlcan'tbeover21,thatmuchIcantel
l.yeses
whatdidido.Isitdownnexttoherwithmyback
againsttheheadboard

Her
:buti
twasfun.Idon'
tthi
nkwehadachancet
o
i
ntr
oduceour
sel
ves.I'
m Si
sanda
Me:Sabel
o

Shegi
ggl
es

Her
:ni
cet
omeetyouSabel
o
Me:l
ikewi
se.youhungr
y?I
'
m maki
ngbr
eakf
ast
Her
:yeah.Ineedt
ofr
eshenupt
hough

Ipoi nthertowher ethebat hroom isbeforeIwal k

out .Idon'tplanonput t
ingpant sonj ustyet,I
'
m not
donewi t
ht hisyoungone.Imakest eakandchi ps
thenpl ateitwi t
hbr eadrollsandser veitwithcoke.
Sisandawal ksi ntot hekitchenjustasI '
m dishing
up.Shei si nmyLaker svestandnot hi
ngelse.The
thingaboutt hi schi ldi
st hatshei ssexyasf uck.Her
car amelskini sf lawless,herbut ti
sanyman' s
biggestt empt ationandt hosethighs.Thixo!

Her
:Ihopeyoudon'
tmind.Thedr
essIwaswear
ing
l
astni
ghti
sabituncomfort
abl
eri
ghtnow
Me:nahIdon'
t.Looksbet
teronyouanyway.Food
i
sready

Shewalkstowar dsme, hopsonthecounterand

takest
heplate.Isiti
nfrontofheronthebarchair
withmyplateonherl ap,for
cinghert
oputherplate
onthecounter
.Idi
dsayshei
swear
ingmyvestand
not
hingelseri
ght
?

Me:sohowol
dar
eyou?
Her
:It
urned19amont
hago

Ichokeonmyf r
enchfr
y.I'
m 10yearsoldert
hanher
.
Anentire10year
s.Sheisn'
tyoungenought obemy
daughterbutsheisst
il
lachil
d.At eenager

Me:eatupsoyoucangethome.Yourf
ri
endsor
f
amilymustbeworr
ied

Herfaci
alexpressionchanges.Shel ooksa
combinat
ionofsadanddi sappoint
ed.Idon'tknow
whybecauset hereisnoot herwaythiscouldhave
workedout.Shewasaoneni ghtst
and, amistake
onmypar tbecauseI '
m notinthekindergar
ten
busi
ness
Her
:youwantmet
oleave?
Me:wer
eyoupl
anni
ngonmovi
ngi
n?

Shechuckl
es.I
'
m notl
aughi
ngandwhenshesees
hownotamusediam,shestopsl
aughi
ng

Her
:Iwashopi
ngwecoul
dst
il
lhavef
un

Sheremovesmypl atefr
om herlap,
jumpsof ft
he
counterandstr
addl
esmewi thherarmsar oundmy
neck.Thischi
ldwil
lgether
selff
uckedifshedoesn'
t
easeupont hi
scrap

Her:andbesi
des,
mypanti
esar
en'
tdr
yyet
.Ican'
t
l
eavewithnopanti
eson

Mydi
ckbet
raysmeasif
eel
itt
wit
chi
ngi
nmybr
ief
s.
Whydidithi
nknotwear
ingpant
swhil
eIhavea
sexyt
eenagechi
ldi
nmyhousei sagoodi
dea

Me:Si
sanda
Her:youknowyouwantmesowhyf
ightsomet
hing
youwant?
Me:you'
l
lgethur
t
Her
:I'
l
ltakemychances

Herfaceisi nchesawayf rom mine,mydickisso

harditactuall
yhur ts.Thisonewi l
lgetwhatshe
wants.Igetupwi thherstillonmylap,shetri
esto
ki
ssmebutiqui cklypullbackandt ur
nheraround.
Thesightofherbut tcheekspeakingfrom myvest
i
sgodl y.Whydoesshehavet obesoyoung?My
handgoesar oundherl owerbodyunt i
lireachthe
moistenedspacebet weenherl egs.Sheiswet.This
chi
ldhasbeenhor nysinceshewal kedinhere.Her
moansf il
lthespaceasIr ubherf ol
ds.Condoms!
Fuckandt heyar esof ar
Me:I
'
llbeback

Ispri
nttomyr oom,checkthedrawerandtherei
s
nothi
ng.Icheckmywal letandagai
nther
eis
nothi
ng.Whatt hehel
l?Thiscan'
tbehappening.

Me:f
uck

Il
owermyheadandl
ookatt
het
enti
nmybr
ief
s

Me:aisor
rybuddy.Doesn'
tlookl
ikei
tsgoi
ngt
o
happen

Thisisthewor stthingthatcoul
deverhappent oa
guyespeci al
lywhenyouhaveagi rlli
keSisanda
j
ustpr esenti
ngher sel
fonasi l
verplatt
er.Iwal
kout
thebedr oom andbackt othekit
chenwi thaheavy
heartandapai nfuldick
Me:baby

Shetur
nstofaceme.Sheisnaked.Asi
nnocl
othes
onherbodyandIdon'
thavecondoms

Me:j
esusf
reaknchr
ist

Shesmil
esassheappr
oachesmewi
tht
hesexi
est
wal
kever

Her
:youwer
etaki
ngt
ool
ong

Iswal
lowspi
t.

Me:aski
esbutI
'
m outofcondoms
Her
:youcanal
wayspul
lout
Me:Idon'
tthi
nkI'
llbeablet
o.I
'l
lpr
obablycum t
wo
str
okesi
nit.I
'
lldri
vetothegar
age,getcondoms
andwecancont i
nue

Iputonshor tsandaT- shirtandspri

ntoutoft here.
Onanor m at ri
ptot hegaragetakesme12mi nsbut
todayithast akenme7mi ns.Asiwal kout,
condomsi nonehandandabot t
leofwateri
nt he
other,ifreezeont hespotwhenIseeaf amili
arf ace.
Af aceIhaven' tseeninamont h.Shelooksbet t
er
thanIt houghtshe' dbe.Iwaitforherunti
lshei sout
hercarandappr oachingme, well
approachi
ngt he
entrance

Me:Thandi
Thandi
:ya

Shestopsforafewseconds,t
akesalookatthe
condomsI'
m carryi
ngthenshakesherhead.I
'm st
il
l
gluedonher,l
astti
meIspoketoher,meanwor ds
wereexchangedbutl
ooki
ngatherr
ightnowthe
onl
ythingonmymi ndishowI'
m st
il
linl
ovewit
h
her

Her
:sameol
dSabel
o.Somet
hingsneverchange
Me:unj
ani
?
Her
:mxm asi
fyoucar
e

Shetr
ieswalki
ngpastmebutIgr
abhol
dofherar
m
andpullhert
owar
dsme

Her
:leavemeal
one
Me:I
'
m sor
ryf
orwhatIsai
d
Her
:fuckyou

Isi
ghthenl
etgoofherarm.Inevert
houghtabout
howthi
smomentwoul dbe.Despi
teal
lthegir
lsI'
ve
hadsexwit
hinthepastmonth,myheartst
il
lyearns
forher.I
ttookmef
orevertocometoter
mswi t
hmy
l
ovef orhersoi
tmi
ghtjusttakemetwofor
everst
o
getoverher

Me:canwej
ustt
alkf
orasecond
Her
:wehavenot
hingt
otal
kabout
Me:I
'
m sor
ry
Her
:Idon'
tcar
e.Gouseyourcondomsandl
eave
mealone
Me:canIcomeseeyoul
ater
?

Thesoundofhert ongueclickingasshewal ks
awayechoesi nmyear suntilsheisoutofsi ght.
thisi
swhymywal lsstayedupf orsolong,thisis
whyi neverwantedt oloveorbel oved.Ican'tstand
thewayIf eelr
ightnow.WhenIgett omyhouse,
Sisandaisgone.I'
m gl adactuall
ybecauseIwoul d
havehurther.Shedi dleavehernumber ,
nott hatI'
m
goingtousei t
.Shei stoosweetandt ooinnocent
formyliki
ng.Definitel
ynotmycupoft ea
Ineedashowerandabeer .Ihar
dlydri
nkbeerbut
today,
rightnowI'
m cravi
ngf ori
t.It
akeashower,
weardenim shor
tsandanavyv- neckT-shi
rtt
hen
callmybabybrother

Shaka:bhut
i
Me:nt
wanawher
ear
eyou?
Hi
m:I
'
m athomewi
thEndi
Me:comet
hrough

Icanhearthejoyinhisvoicebeforehedr opsthe
phone.Ihardl
yhavet i
met ohangoutwi ththem and
becauseI'
m notinthemoodofget tingl
ect ur
ed, I
'l
l
sti
cktodri
nkingwi t
hkids.Befor
etheyar r
ive,It
r y
reachi
ngouttoThandibutshedoesn' tanswermy
call
ssoIcallBuhle.BuhleisThandi'
soldersister.
TheyarenotthatclosebutIknowshehasbeeni n
townsincethemiscarri
age.

Buhl
e:shedoesn'
twantt
otal
ktoyou
Me:OKj ustt
ellhert
hatIsti
lll
oveherandt
hatI
'
m
sor
ry.IneedherBuhle.Ir
eallydo.
ICANSAVEMYSELF
*
37*
<Sl
indi
le>
I'
vecomet ot heconcl usionthatt hebestwayt o
enjoythisproper l
yist oj ustkeepmyeyescl osed
becausei fiopent hem, Imightj ustrapet hisman.
Whenhi shandcomesi ncont actwi thmyboob, il
et
outasof tmoan.Thef eelingisfor ei
gnt othisbody
ofmi ne,Ihaven'tbeent ouchedl ikethi sbyamani n
ages.Ididn'tknowhowmuchI '
vemi ssedt his
feeli
ngunt i
lnow.Het weaksmyni ppl ebetweenhi s
thumbandhi sf i
ngerandisweari tfeelslikeI '
m
goingtost artcryi
ng.Mybodydoesn' tbelongt ome
ri
ghtnow, i
tshistocont rolandi sitsuchabad
thingthatIwantt ogi vemysel ftohi m?Whenhei s
doneput ti
ngl oti
ononmybody, ifeelhi m closer
thanhewasbef ore.Hi serecti
oni spr essi
ngonmy
stomach, it
sawar m sensat iont hathasmyl adybi t
s
ti
ngling
Oyi
ntando:ndcel
aundi
jongel
ala

Igentl
yshakemyhead.Ican'tlookathimr i
ghtnow.
NotwhenI '
mfeel
ingli
ket
his.NotwhenIf eell
ikehe
hassomuchpoweroverme.I 'veknownt hisguyfor
amont handsomechangebuti tfeel
slikeit
sbeena
l
ifeti
me.I'
m addi
ctedt
ohim andi tsnotri
ght.i
tstoo
soon

Hi
m:ndyakcel
a

Hepecksmyl i
psbutIpullhi
mi nforadeeperki ss.I
don'twanttotal
k,Iwantt
hisandI '
m notgoingt o
wastetime.Hishandsmovef rom mywai sttomy
buttandhesqueezesmycheekst i
ghtl
ybef ore
l
ifti
ngmeupt owrapmylegsar oundhiswai st
.Ican
feelhi
m pokingatmeandt hat'
swhent hefearand
panichit
smeandIpul lback
Hi
m:what
'swr
ong?

Hehasaf
rownandconf
usi
ononhi
sface

Me:not
hing

Itryt
owi gglefrom hi
sholdbuthehol
dsmetight
er
thenplacesmeont hebed.Hecli
mbsontopofme
thenjuststaresatmewi t
hahalfsmil
e

Hi
m:awusemdal
atobeavi
rgi
nlal
a

Hi
ssmi
lebr
oadens.Hei
sani
diot

Me:I
'
m notavi
rgi
n
Him:thenwhat'
sup?Younotr eady?Wedon'thave
todothisi
fyouarenotready.I'
vegottonsofl
oti
on
andtoil
etpaper
,Icanal
waysj ustgoreli
evemysel
f
Ohgosh.Thi
smanissost
upi
d.Ipushhi
m offme
buthepul
lsmeal
ongandIl
andonhischest

Hi
m:t
alkt
ome

Isi
gh,
placeaki
ssonhi
schestt
henhuf
f

Him:huf
fi
ngandpuf
fi
ngwon'
tpushmeaway.j
ust
soyouknow

Hecan'
tbeser
ioust
osavehi
sli
fe

Me:It
hinkI
'
minl
ovewi
thyoubutI
'
m soscar
ed
Hi
m:whyar
eyouscar
ed?
Me:Idon'
twanttogethurt
.Ihaven'tdatedi
nyears
andwenangathiuzongf
ebelanj
e.lookingli
kethi
s,
wit
hadickthatbi
gandahugebankaccount .
uzof
ebast
rai
ght

Helaughsthenshakeshishead.Angmazuhlekani
becauset
hisisthetypethatscr
ewsusover.
Handsomewi t
haheal t
hybankbalance.amamost
wanted

Hi
m:I
'
m of
fended
Me:unamangauyachazeka

Hel
aughsevenmor
e

Him:youar esocr azy.YesI'

m char
medt hatmy
wifet
hinksI'm handsomebuteyokuf ebais
off
ensive.Ionl
yhaveeyesf oryouwenal al
awami.
I'
vewaitedforalongt imeforafeel
ingli
kethisand
awomanl i
keyou.I '
dbest upi
dtomessi tup
Me:hmm
Bei
ngontopofhi
m get
suncomfort
ablesoisl
ide
downt
olayonmysideandheturnstofaceme

Hi
m:Il
oveyou
Me:shoskhokho
Hi
m:mxm

Heturnsaroundandnowhi sbackisfaci
ngme.I
l
augh.Hesucksatt r
yingtosul
kshame.Iwr apmy
ar
m aroundhim butlowermyhandt ouHadebethat
st
il
lhasn'
tgonedown.Hi sbodytensesupasi
st
rokehiserect
ion,
getti
ngmyselfhornyi
nthe
pr
ocess

Hi
m:babyhaaaah
Me:awuf
uni
?

Hechuckl
es
Hi
m:uyaf
unawena
Me:onl
yifwenauyaf
una
Hi
m:whati
fandf
uni
?
Me:t
henwesl
eepkemyl
ove

Het urnsaround,kissesmehungr il
yandiki sshim
back.Myhandi sstillstroki
nghi ser ecti
on,heis
moani ngandgr oaningwhi l
eki ssi ngme.Thef eari
feltnotsol ongagoi sgone, nowI '
mj usthorny.He
gent lycli
mbsont opofme, hisdi ckdoest hedamn
thingonmycl itandIf eelli
kescr eami ngandcr yi
ng
att hesamet i
me.bl oodyemot ionsar ealloverthe
place.Sot hisiswhati tfeel
sl iket ohaveahot
bloodedmanwant i
ngyou, lovingyouandpr epared
tobl essyouwi thdick?I 'vebeenmi ssingoutmos
Heslowlyent
ersme, i
tsPai
nfulandamazi
ngatt
he
samet i
me.Hi
sgr oansgetl
ouderthanmymoans
asidigmynailsdeeponhisback
Hi
m:f
uuuck

Atleasthecanst i
llputwor dst
ogether .Ican't
,I'
m
beingt akenoutoft hi
swor ldashemovesgent lyon
topofmeunt ilI
'veadjustedwelltohissi ze.My
whol ebodyhasbeenawokent ot hepleasur esof
thef orbiddenf r
uit
.Hishandsmoveal lovermy
sensi t
ivebody, squeezingandgr abbingbef orehe
takesbot hmyhandsandpi nsthem abovemyhead.
Ili
terallyhavenocont rolnowbutI '
m mor etur
ned
ont hanI 'veeverbeen.

Hi
m:youar
esosexy

I
'm mor
efocusedontheorgasm br
ewinginsideme
t
obeconcernedaboutanysmoothtal
k.Ifeelmy
wall
sti
ght
ingaroundhi
m andhemovesf aster.

Me:Nt
aaaando
Hi
m:I
'
vegotyoubaby.Cum f
orme
Irel
easewhatf eel
sli
kesomet hi
ngI'vebeenhol
ding
i
nf ortoolong.Mywhol ebodyfeel
sl i
ket
herear
e
l
it
tlefair
ieswalki
ngalloveri
t.Weshar eaki
ss
beforeheturnsmearoundandent ersmef r
om
behind

Hi
m:yesest
hixo!

Hecomeswi
thi
nmi
nut
esofbei
ngi
nthatposi
ti
on

Hi
m:yho

Hecol
lapsesont
opofmeandIl
augh

Hi
m:f
ucki
zandi
bul
alal
aPosi
ti
on

Icont
inuel
aughi
ngasheni
bbl
esonmyear
Me:t
hatposi
ti
oni
snotf
orki
ds
Him:keept
hrowi
ngt
hatassbackl
iket
hatand
uzomit
ha

Hemoveshisl
ipsfr
om myeart
oneck,
sucki
ngon
i
tthenst
art
smovingagai
n

Me:youdon'
tlear
nIsee
Hi
m:wannabemyt
eacher
?

Wehaveacoupl emor er
oundsbeforef
all
ingasleep
i
neachot her'
sarm.Hedoesn'tl
etgoofmet he
wholenightbutidon'
tmindbecauseIf
eelsafe.The
nextdaywear ebothwokenupbyhisri
ngingphone

Me:swi
tchi
tof
f
Hi
m:Iwi
ll
.Letmej
ustf
indi
tfi
rst
.
Itst
opsri
ngi
ng,
onl
ytost
artagai
n.Igr
untwhenhe
answersi
t

Hi
m:St
hol
okuhl
eHadebeuf
unant
oni
?

Therei
snowayIwi llbeabl
etosl
eepanymoresoi
getoutofbedtogopeeandwashmyf ace.Ialso
ri
nsemymout h.WhenIgetbacktot
heroom, heis
donewi t
hhisphonecall
.Hesmil
eswhenhesees
mewal ki
ngtowardshim

Me:mor
ning
Hi
m:goodmor
ningmnt
uwami

I'
m st
il
lblushi
ngwhenIreachthebed.I
tsahotday
andtheraysofthesunareal
readypenet
rat
ing
thr
oughthecurtai
ns
Hi
m:I'm goi
ngt
omypar
ent
shousef
orSunday
l
unch.Wannacome?

Ishakemyhead.Idon' twanttomeethisparentsas
hisgirl
fr
iendyet.It
stoosoonandhismot heri
svery
overprotect
iveofOyintandoandKuhle.Ihadgreat
sexlastnight,I
'
m stil
linthehi
ghspir
itsofthat
,I
don'tneedanythingruiningmyday

Hi
m:Iwon'
tfeelcomf
ort
abl
eleavi
ngyouher
eal
one.
Me:l
eavi
ngmekuphi
?I'
m goi
nghome.Ihavework
t
omorrowandI
'
vealr
eadymissedmyshi
fttoday
Him:I'
l
ltakeyouhomelater.I
'
llj
usthavetoski
p
SundaylunchbecauseIhaven'
tspentenought
ime
wit
hyou

HaikeIwon'
tcommentont
hat
,justnowbese
kut
hiwangi
the.
..
Hegetsoutofbed,
freshensupwhi
leimaket
he
bedandopenthecurtai
ns
Hi
m:anybr
eakf
astr
equest
s
Me:sur
pri
seme
Hi
m:youwantt
otaket
hatr
isk?
Me:yi
niuf
unaukungi
dli
sayi
nibhut
i?

Helaughsandwal ksoutthedoor.Therei
sn'tmuch
cl
eaningtodoi nt hisroom,thi
smani saneatf r
eak.
Ideci
detot akeashowert henputonmyunder wear
fr
om thedinnerpar t
yandagown.Thi swhole
sweatpantsthingiscut eifi
t'
scol
d.Ot her
wiseits
j
ustunnecessar y.Hei sn'
tdonecookingwhenIget
downstair
ssoient ertai
nmyselfwiththeTVunt i
l
myphonest ar
tsringing.it
sSimli
ndile

Me:hey

Si
lence.Haibodi
dthi
sgi
rlbut
tdi
alme.Ai
rt
ime
i
ningiIsee
Me:Si
mi

Ihearsni
ffi
ngandmyalar
m bel
lsgoof
f.Iswearif
thatSmit
hcheeseboyt
ouchedmysist
er,uzonya

Me:what
'
swr
ong?

Shecl
ear
shert
hroat

Si
mi:heki
ckedmeout
Me:who?

Ihavet
oaskbecauseSambul
owouldneverdothat
.
Heisali
ttl
etooi
nlovewi
thmysi
ster
.It
scuteand
weir
datthesameti
me

Her
:Sambul
o
Me:hi
sexact
swor
ds
Her
:heaskedwhatI
'
m st
il
ldoi
ngher
e
Me:andt
henwhatdi
dyousay?
Her
:not
hing
Me:manj
ewhendi
dheki
ckyouout
?

Sheburst
sint
otears.NowsheIstr
yingtocryand
tal
katt
hesamet i
me.Itsamessysituat
ionbutI
l
ist
entoherunti
lsheisdonecr
ying

Me:Idon'
tunder
stand
Her
:Isai
dI'
m goi
ngt
omyf
lat
Me:soyouki
ckedyour
sel
fout
?
Her
:no.Idi
dn'
tgo.Hei
saski
ngmywhyIdi
dn'
tgo
Me:answerthemanuyekeukut
etema.Yousaidyou
ar
egoingtoyourf
latf
orwhat?Stopthi
nki
ngthat
manisgoingtoal
wayschaseyou.Talkt
ohim and
st
optryi
ngtorunaway
ICANSAVEMYSELF
*
38*
<Si
mli
ndi
le>
Whenher ealizedthatIwasn' tgoingt ogivehim an
answer ,hewal kedawayandt hat'
swhent hetears
star t
edrol
ling.Hecr ossedthel ine,heviolat
edmy
privacyandIhavear i
ghttobeupsetaboutt hat.I
havear ighttowantspacef rom hi m andast he
per soninthewr ong,heshoul dbeunder standingof
this.Idon'
tunder standwhyhei sbeingsodi ff
icul
t.
Afterspeakingtomysi st
er,Ishouldbef eel
ing
betterbutidon'
t.Ifeelworse.Shei ssupposedto
beonmysi denottelli
ngmet hatI'
m cryi
ngforno
reason.Shei sr
ightaboutonet hingthough,
Sambul oandIdoneedt otalk.Imakemywayt othe
l
oungeandt hat
'swher eIf
indhi m sett
ingupthe
playstat
ion

Me:canwet
alk?
Heplaceseveryt
hingonthecoff
eet abl
ebefor
e
si
tt
ingdown.Ialsositonaseparatecouchf
rom
hi
m.Idon'tevenknowwher etostart

Sambul
o:Iaskedyouaquest
ionSi
mli
ndi
le

Isi
gh

Me:Ishoul
dn'
thavesai
dIwantt
oleave
Him:butyousai
ditandt
hennextt
hingIf
indyou
here

I'
m cl
osetot
earsagainbutIqui
cklywipemyeyes.
Whathurt
smet hemostisthatsuddenlyhowIf
eel
doesn'
tmatt
erandallhecaresabouti
swhyIsaid
I'
mleavi
nganddidn'
tleave.

Me:youknowthepastIhave,youknowthat
f
reedom wasn'
tsomet
hingthatexi
stedi
nmy
mar r
iage.Ineverhadavoi ceuntilImetyou.You
arethisclosetoperfectmanandyoucl aimt obein
l
ovewi t
hme.I '
m brokenSambul o.Mytr ustinmen
hasdet eri
orat
edovert heyears.Youmessedupand
Ididn'tknowhowt odealwi t
hi ti
nyourpr esence

Hedoesn'
tsayanyt
hingbuti
nsteadhestar
esatme
f
oralongti
me.Theusualgoofysmil
eisn'
tther
e,he
i
sint
ense

Me:Ishoul
dn'
thavet
hreat
enedt
oleave
Hi
m:doyour ememberwhatIsai
dtoyouthefi
rst
t
imeIt
ookyouout?AndwhatIsaidthefi
rstt
ime
wemadelove?

Inodsl
owl
y

Hi
m:Iaskedyoutopromisethatnomat terhow
t
oughitget
s,youwil
lneverl
eavemeandaf ter
maki
nglove,youmadethatpromise.Yetatthefi
rst
i
mperf
ect
ioni
nourr
elat
ionshi
p,yout
hreat
ent
o
l
eaveme
Me:Iwasangr
yandhur
t
Him:whichisunder standable,
Iwaswr ongbutmy
wrongswerejustif
ied.Simlindi
leIfel
linl
ovewith
youthefi
rstti
meImetyou.Theenvel opeyoufound
i
sthesecondi nvestigati
onreport
.Therewasone
befor
ethat

Myeyesl i
ftf
rom thefl
oorandIst
areatandhei s
stari
ngback.ineverwinatthi
sst
arri
ngcontestand
todayisnodiff
erentbecauseI
'mthefi
rstt
olook
away

Him:youwer enotopentot el
li
ngmewhatl anded
youinhospitalsoIdugsomemor e.Ineededto
knowwhatyou' vebeenthroughsoIcanl oveyou
thebestwayyouneedt obel oved.I
'venever
broughtupthet hi
ngsyourexdidtoyoubecauseI
didn'
tobtai
nt heinf
ormati
ontousei ti
namal i
cious
way.Iwast eachingmyselfhowtoloveyou
Me:Idi
dn'
tknowt
hat
Him:howwoul dyouhaveknownt hatifatt
hefi
rst
signoftroubl
eyouwantt owalkaway?It akel
oyal
ty
veryser
iouslyandifyouknowbei ngloyali
s
somethingyoulackin,t
henIthinkit
sbestwego
ourseparateways.

Itfeel
slikeI
'm gett
ingdumpedandt hetearsare
streamingdownmycheeks.i t
ssoeasyf orhi
mt o
j
ustspeakhi smi nd,heisn'
taf
raidoflosingme.He
doesn'tneedmebutIneedhi m.Ilovehim more
thanIshouldandI 'l
lgetmyselfhurti
ntheend

Me:I
'
m sor
ry.I
'
lldobet
ter
Him:that'
sallIaskfrom you.I
'
m notper
fect
,Ihave
myowni ssuesbutI '
dneverwalkawayfrom you.I
'
d
neverint
enti
onallyhurtyou

Wesitinsi
lenceagai
nfort
helongestt
ime.My
hear
tisbeati
nghardagai
nstmychest.Iwantt
o
saysomet
hingbutIj
ustcan'
tgett
hephr
asi
ng
cor
rect
.

Me:Ihavemydoubt
s

Hef
rowns

Hi
m:about
?
Me:yourl oveforme.Idon'tt
hinkI'
m wort
hyofit.
I'
m scaredthatyouaregoingtochangeyourmi nd
aboutme.I '
m scaredthatIdon'
tknowhowt olove
youright.Iwanttokeepyouhappyatal lt
imesso
thatyoudon'tleaveme

Hegetsupandsi tsnextt
ome.I 'vestoppedt
ryi
ng
towipethetearsandthesnot.It
snotGoi ngt
ostop
anyt
imesoon.Hewr apshisarmsar oundmeandI
cont
inuecryingwhil
eher ubsmyback
Hi
m:ar
eyouhappy?

Isni
ff

Me:somet
imes
Hi
m:andt
heot
hert
imes
Me:Idon'
tknowhowt ot
alktoyou.Idon'
twantt
o
makeyouangryorsoundli
keI'
m naggingand
bur
deningyouwit
hmypr obl
ems
Him:thenhowam Isupposedt oknowthatI
messeduporyouar eupsetwit
hme?Nanayout old
meihavet ocommuni cat
ewi t
hyouandI'
m doi ng
thatbutyoualsohavetocommunicatewithme.I'm
notachildbaby,I
'
m notgoingtostor
m offjust
becauseyouvoicedoutyourcomplai
nts

Inod.Myheadi
sonhi schest,
itswetnowbecause
ofmyfacebuti
tst
il
lfeel
slikehome
Me:youshutmeoutl
astni
ght

Hesi
ghs.Hi
sbodyt
ensesup

Hi
m:youhur
tme.Idon'
ttakehur
tver
ywel
l
Me:oh
Him:i
tsjustt
hewayIam.Ihaveiti
nmet obelike
Sabel
owhenI '
m hur
tsotoavoi
dsayingordoi
ng
somethi
ngIcannevert
akeback,Iwalkawayand
zoneoutforafewhour
s
Me:OK
_
__
•
1yearl
ater
•
Theysaywhenyoul ovesomeoneyougr owwith
them, youhel
peachot herandyouleanoneach
other.Sambuloismybestf ri
endnow,Ican'
t
i
magi nelif
ewithouthim andoverthepast12
mont hswe'vereall
ywor kedhardandputinthe
effor
tinourrel
ationship.Wet al
kmore,we
apol
ogizewhenneedbeandourcommuni cati
on
hasquiteimproved.Wef oundoutwear epregnant
i
nJanuar yandIhaven'tsteppedf ootatworkthis
whol
eyear .9mont hsofjuststayi
ngathomebut
I'
vemadet hemostofi tbecausethishousel ooks
l
ikeahomenow.I tswarmerandt henur seryis
fi
nal
lycompl et
e.Thesebabi eswillbespoil
trott
en
whentheygether e.

Sambulo:I
'm notsupposedt
ost
ayf
ort
hisbaby
showerthi
ngr i
ght?
Me:Idon'
tknow.Idon'
tthi
nkso
Hi
m:I
'
llf
indout

Hewant stostayforit.Icanheariti
nhisvoi
cethat
heisnotkeenonnotbei ngbymysi dewhenI'
mt hi
s
heavil
ypregnant.eventuall
ywear edoneget
ti
ng
readyandhedr i
vesust ohispar
entshouse

Hi
m:youl
ookbeaut
if
ulbaby
Me:I
'
mfatandt
ir
ed
Hi
m:andbeaut
if
ul.Don'
tfor
getbeaut
if
ul

Hetakeshi
seyesof
ftheroadf
oraf ewseconds,
l
ooksatmewithasmilet
henfocusesontheroad
agai
n.

Me:andt
hatl
ook?
Hi
m:it
smebeinggr
atef
ul.I
'
m goi
ngt
obeaf
ather
i
nafewweeks
Me:ahousef
ullofwomen.Howwi
llyousur
vive?

Helaughs.Soyeahthat '
swhatwear ehaving,two
babygirl
sandiwantt hem outofmeasi n
yester
day.TheyareheavyandI '
mt i
redand
constant
lyhungr
y.Itsbeenaneasypr egnancyf or
us,despi
tedaddypanickingabouteveryl
it
t l
ething.
Whenwegett ohispar ents'
house,mysisterisat
thedoorwithasmileonherf ace.weshareal ong
hug
Me:ar
eyouOK?

Shenods.Thisisn'
teasyforher.pr
egnancyand
babi
esaresti
llasensit
ivetopi
cbutsheishappyfor
me.Thatidon'tdoubtforasecond

Sl
i:manj
eukhal
elani
?
Me:I
'
m pr
egnant
.Leavemeal
one
Her:youshouldseeallthegi
ftstheri
chpeopl
egot
yourbabies.Idi
dntevenbothergett
ingt
hem
anythi
ng.Idon'twanttoembarrassmyself

Somet imesiwonderi fI'

mr eall
yr elat
edtothi
s
person.Sheistoocr azy.Sambul ohugshert i
ghtl
y
beforeplaci
nghishandonmywai standushersme
i
n.Thi sisnotasurprisesot herear eno
unnecessaryscreamsandshout s.IspotJessand
Usiatadi st
anceandiwave.Thandii salsohere.
Shelooksgor geous.Itcan'
tbeeasybei ngSabelo
ri
ghtnow.Ij
usthopehedoesn'
tcauseunnecessar
y
drama,I
'
llki
llhi
m

Gugu:hel
lobaby

Sheki
ssesmycheeksthenbrushesmystomach.
Mydaughter
sloveat
tent
ionbecauset
heystar
t
ki
cki
ngatthesoundofhervoi
ce

Me:Hel
loma.I
'
m hungr
y

Shel
aughs

Sl
i:wehavegamest
opl
aybef
oref
oodsohol
dit
Me:hai
boSl
indi
le,
mybabi
esar
ehungr
y
Sl
i:l
ett
hem suckt
hei
rthumbsf
orawhi
le

I
'
m donewi
thher
.Shedoesn'
tlovemeorherni
eces
Gugu:I
'
llgetyousomet
hingt
oeat
.Comewi
thme.
Sambulostay
Sambul
o:butmama
Gugu:hayist
opbei
ngneedy.Shei
spregnantnot
di
sabledandshewon'tpopt
hesebabi
esout
wit
houtyou.Cal
m down

Hepecksmyl
ipsthenlet
sgoofme.Somi l
aisi
n
t
hekit
chenwi
thheroldersi
sterandhernephew

Me:hel
lo
Tshepi
:heyhowar
eyou?
Me:t
ir
edandhungr
y
Somil
a:si
tbef
oreyourt
winwal
tzesi
nher
eand
st
art
sgoingcr
azy

I
'
m notsur
pri
sedt
hatSabel
oisn'
ther
e.Al
otofups
anddownshavebeenhappeni
ngi
nhisl
if
eever
si
nceThandimovedon.Heisamess
ICANSAVEMYSELF
*
39*
<Sambul
o>
Thesebabyshowert hingsar enotf ormen.My
mot herdoesn'tevenwantust odr inkandshei s
forci
ngmet obeapar toft hesest upidgames.The
onlyreasonIst uckar oundi stowat chover
Simlindil
enott akepar tinallt
hesegi rlythings.
Whent hedaycomest oanend, I
'm mor egr ateful
thanever yoneel se.Thi swhol ethingi sjustt ir
ing
andpeopl ehavet akenmygi r
lfri
endawayf r
om me.
Theyar ealljustf ussi
ngoverherandImi ssher .A
partofmest i
llfailstobel i
evet hatinl esst hana
mont hI '
m goingt obeadadt ot wodaught ers.

Oyi
ntando:yandoda

Hemustbeher
etopi
ckSl
iup.Weshakehands,
shar
eahugt
henwat
cht
hewomenatadi
stance

Hi
m:i
tsoverr
ight
?
Me:yeahi
tis.Fi
nal
ly

Hel
aughswhi
leshaki
nghi
shead

Hi
m:t
hatbad?
Me:br
uhyoudon'
twantt
obet
heonl
ymani
na
yar
dfi
ll
edwi
thwomen.

Wecont i
nuelaughi ngaswewat chourwomenata
distance.Ift
herei sanyonethati
smoreinloveon
thisplanet,i
tsthisguynexttomeandIwi shhe
wasn' tgoi
ngt hroughthecrapheisgoingthr
ough

Hi
m:r
eadyt
obeadad?
Me:I
'
mreadybutI
'
m shi
tscar
edgr
oot
man.The
worl
disgett
ingmor
eandmor
efuckedupandwhat
i
fIcan'
tprot
ectmygir
ls
Him:lovemakesamandogr eatandincredi
ble
thi
ngsf ort
hei
rlovedones.Youhaveal readyshown
thatyou'dgot
hroughgreatlengthsforSimli
ndil
e,
yourdaughter
swi l
lbenodifferent

Inodi
nagreement .It
hinkifIwashavingboys,I'
d
bemorer
elaxed.Simlindi
leandhersisterappr
oach
uswit
hJess,Usithandil
eandThandi.Iimmediatel
y
wrapmyarmsar oundumunt uwam, kissherhead
andgi
veheratightsqueeze

Me:t
ir
ed?
Simi:exhaustedandthesebitcheshavebeen
dri
nkingalcoholaroundme.theyarenot
sympat het
ictomycondi t
ion
Usi:condit
ion?Ukuthandai
pipiisnotacondi
ti
on
fr
iend.it
sat rapandyoufel
lintoit
Shehi
ghfivesThandiandtheystar
tlaughi
ngwhi
le
mypersonhissesandrol
lshereyes

Sli
:youaregivi
ngmeni
eces,
I'
llt
akeyoursi
deonl
y
fort
hatreason
Si
mi:t
hankyousi
s
Oyi
:andher
eIwasthinki
ngyou'l
lwantSavannah
whenwegethome.IguessI
'l
ljusthavet
othrowit
out
Sl
i:ungal
inge.Uzof
alal
a

Theset woarerel
ati
onshipgoals,thewaythey
i
nteractwit
heachot her,
theinsidejokesbetween
them andthelovetheyshareisjustbeauti
ful.
Oyintandomethismat chwiththisone

Thandi
:guysOnkei
sher
e.Ineedt
ogetgoi
ng
Jess:l
if
tpl
ease.I
'
mtoobr
okef
oruber
Sl
i:wowyouneversei
zet
oamazemewenaP.
S
Doesi tmakemeabadper sonthatiactuall
ythink
Onkei sacoolguy?YesSabel oismybr otherbut
thatfactdoesn'tmakemeblindornai vet
owar ds
otherpeople.ThandiandJesshugal lofusbef ore
theyleave.Slii
snowi nOyi
ntando'sarmsandIj ust
wantt ogohomeandhol dmyper son

Me:guysSi
miandIneedt
ogetgoi
ng.Thankyou
f
orcomingthr
ough
Simi
:andformygift
s.Il
iter
all
yhavenot
hingt
obuy
fort
hesebutt
erf
li
esI'
m carr
ying
Usi
:anyt
imebabe.I
'
llcal
lyout
omor
row
Oyi
ntando:weal
sohavet
ogetgoi
ng.Ri
ghtl
ala?
Sl
i:yeah.I
'
mti
redt
oo.r
ichpeopl
ear
eext
ra

Wesayourgoodbyesandwehavet osneakaway
fr
om mypar ents.theyl
ovef
ussi
ngandthey
wouldn'
tletusdrivehomesolat
eintheeveni
ng.
Simifal
lsasleepthemomentthecarst
art
smoving.
Mypoorbabyi
sreal
lyexhaust
ed
*
*
IneverthoughtI
'
dliveseethedaySimli
ndile
swear satmeforsomethi
ngwebot henjoyed.
Suddenlythesexwasmyf aultandt
hesebabi esar
e
al
lmi ne

Me:Nanast
ophi
tt
ingme
Si
mi:gett
hem outSambul
o
Me:br
eat
hbaby.They'
l
lbeoutsoon
Her:t
akethem out
.taket
hem outandgi
vet
hem
away.Angibaf
uni

12hrslaterandallIcansayiswow.Mybodyi s
brui
sedf rom Si
mi'spunchesbutwatchi
ngmyt wo
pri
ncessesandmyqueen, ireali
zet
hati
twasall
worthit.I'
veneverseensomet hi
ngmorebeaut
iful
andper fect
.
Me:yousai
dimustgi
vet
hem awayr
ight
?
Her:uzof
ayazwena.Lookatt
hem baby.Lookat
t
hisone,shei
spouti
ngandfrowni
ng

Ismi l
eatmydaught er
.SheAlreadylookssassyl i
ke
mommy.Aahman, thi
skindoflovethatI
'mf eel
ing
i
sbeyondanyt hingI'
veeverf
elt.Ij
ustwantto
dedicatemylif
et ot
hesetwoandt heirmother.I
neverthoughtl
ifecoul
dgetmor eperfect

Her
:names?
Me:Beaut
yandBeaut
if
ul

Shesideeyesmeandijustlaugh.Idon'
tknowwhat
tonamethem,Ihaven'
tthoughtthatf
ar

Her
:kodwawhatdoIseei
nyou?Youar
edr
aini
ng
Me:Igaveyougorgeousbabi
es,appreci
ateme.
Namethem nana,
I'l
lgivet
hem secondnames

Shet
akesapause,smi
lest
hent
ear
sst
artr
oll
ing
downhercheeks

Me:andt
hen
Her:I
'
mthinki
ngyouandal
lthegoodyou'
ve
br
oughti
ntomylif
e
Me:hawul
ove

Shesmi
les

Her:seri
ousl
y.You'
vebr
oughtsomuchl
oveand
l
ight.Idon'
tknowhowmylif
ewouldbewit
houtyou
butIdon'twantt
ofi
ndout

At
houghtcr
ossesmymi
nd.At
houghtcont
aini
ng
myki
ds'
names

Me:l
et'
scal
lthem l
oveandl
ight

Sher
oll
shereyes

Me:I'
m ser
ious.You'vebroughtt
hatintomyl if
etoo
andithasi
ntensif
iedwiththearr
ivalofthesetwo.
ThandoandKukhanya.Si mpleandstrai
ght f
orward

Shesmi
lesbeforesnuggl
ingher
sel
fcl
osertome.I
wrapmyarm aroundherwit
hnohesit
ati
on

Her
:loveandl
ight
Me:l
oveandl
i
ghtst
handwasami

Bythet
imewel ef
tthehospi
tal
,ourdaught
ershad3
nameseach.ThandoOlwenkosiSi
phokuhl
eand
KukhanyaOwenkosiSphi we.Simihasbeen
complainingabouthowI'vebeenobsessingover
mydaught er
sandnotgivingherat
tenti
on.sheis
quit
et hebigbabythesedays.Whent hebabi
es
tur
nedaweekol d,t
hegent si
nvi
tedmet oanight
outjusttocelebr
atemynewmi l
estone

Me:ar
eyougoi
ngt
obeokwi
thoutme?
Simi
:yesbabakal
oveandl
ight
.Mysi
steri
s
comi
ngoveranyway

If
rownandshegi
vesmear
eassur
ingl
ook

Her
:shel
ovest
hem baby
Me:Idon'
tdoubtthatbutI
'
mj ustwor
riedt
hatbei
ng
ar
oundthem wil
lbetri
ggeri
ngforher
Her:wellt
heyareherni
ecesandIcan'
tkeepthem
awayfrom her
.Iknowmysi st
er,
sheishappyforus
Inod.Aft
erkissi
ngmypr i
ncesses,
Igrabmyjacket
,
ki
ssmygi rlt
henleavef
orthepub.Sabeloi
sthe
fi
rstper
sonIsee

Sabel
o:t
atawamaGi
rl
s.Zi
Righti
iGi
rl
s?
Me:t
sek.Mydaught
ersar
enoti
iGi
rl
s

Hechuckl
es

Him:r
elaxbruh,l
oveandl
ightar
emydaught
erst
oo.
Come.Everyoneisher
e
Me:yi
makal
ok.Let
'st
alkf
orasec

Hef
rowns

Hi
m:whatdi
dyoudo?
Me:not
hing.Ar
eyougood?
Hi
m:whywoul
dn'
tIbe?
Iraiseoneeyebrowthencr
ossmyar ms.t
hisone
somet i
mesforgetst
hathecan'
tli
etome.Iseeri
ght
throughhiscoverup

Hi
m:yi
yekabr
uh.Idon'
tevencar
eaboutl
amnt
ana
mna
Me:suxokaf
ondi
n.Uyamt
handauThandi
Hi
m:mxm.Ndyosel
amna

Hewal ksawayandIf oll

owhim.Theenvironment
i
sn'tconduci
vefortheconversat
ionsoI'
lldropi
tfor
now.Igreetthegents,pourmysel
faglassof
whiskeythenli
ghtmysel faci
gar

Kuhl
e:how'
sfat
her
hoodnt
wana?
Me:amazi
ngboy.Yhomydaught
ersar
eever
ythi
ng
Luke:andsupercut
e
Me:Iknowr
ight
?soper
fect
Kuhle:unt
ilt
heyvomiti
nyourmouthorpoopall
overyourTom Fordshi
rt
s.Uzobonai
fat
herhood
yangempelaaft
erthat

Weallbreaki
ntol
aughter.Tr
ustt
hisi
diott
osay
suchthi
ngs.Thenightgoesoncheer
ful
lyandt
he
gent
sarewasted,especi
all
ySabel
onoKuhle

Sabel
o:yi
kakayomnt
uuKonke
Oyi
ntando:whoi
sthat
?
Sabel
o:yi
laBi
rdf
lukaThandi
.Hei
sevenugl
yand
st
upid
Luke:don'
tbebi
tt
erbruhandhisnameisOnkenot
Konke.Youdon'
tevenwantThandianymor
e

Mybrot
hergr
unt
s,downshi
sdr
inkt
henshakeshi
s
head
Sabel
o:I'
m notevenwor
ri
ed,
Thandiwi
llbeback.
Shealwayscomesback
Oyi
ntando:Nt
wanayamithatchickisn'tgoi
ngt
o
comebackifyoudon'
tfi
ghtforher.Trustme
Me:Iagr
eewi
thyouGr
oot
man.Hei
sjustst
ubbor
n
l
ona
Sabel
o:mxm shewi
llbeback.Idon'
tbegwomento
bewit
hme.I'
m SabeloSmit
h,Icanhaveanygi
rl
Luke:exceptt
heonegi
rlyouneed

Mybr ot
herhasn'
tfi
gur edouthowt hisl
ovethi
ng
works.Idon'
tthi
nkher eali
sesthattheThandif
rom
overayearagonol ongerexist
s,thesameWayt he
Sabelofr
om backtheni sgonenow.
ICANSAVEMYSELF
*
40*
<Sabel
o>
I
'
m chi
ll
ingatmybr
other'
shousewi
thmydaughter
i
nmyarmsandhersisteri
nSambul
o'sar
ms.They
areamont holdnowandI '
vealr
eadydecidedonmy
favori
te.Loveisful
lofdramaandt hemomentyou
don'tpickherupbutpickuphersister,
shewi ll
scream forthewholeofAfri
catohear.Lightont he
otherhandi sdaddy'
sangel.Sheisthequiettype,
j
ustsucksonherf i
standpoutsallday.Shecr i
es
whent hereisareasonto,notbecausesheisbor ed
l
ikehersi st
er

Si
mi:don'
tyouwantt
otaket
hem f
ort
heni
ght
?
Me:why?Unpr
otect
edsexi
sal
readyshowi
ngyou
f
lames

Shefrowns,gi
vesmethemi ddlefi
ngerandwalks
away.Thisiswher
eLoveget sherdramafrom.My
brot
herlaughswhi
leshaki
nghi shead

Sambulo:yout
wot
hough.Somuchl
ovebet
ween
thebot
hofyou
Me:Idon'
tloveyoupeopl
eenought
owat
chyour
ki
dsf
oryou
Hi
m:t
heyar
eyourki
dst
oo
Me:yest
heyarebutIdon'tdoni
ghtshif
t.Same
wayyoustayedupallni
ghttomakethem,stayup
al
lni
ghtt
owat chthem

Iplaceal ongpeckonmyangel '

sforeheadthen
stareather .Thesebabi esaretoocut eman.They
makemewonderhowmychi ldwi t
hThandiwoul d
havel ooked.Ther eisnotasingledayt hatgoesby
withoutmemi ssingThandibutIwon' ttel
lhert
hat.
Thatgi r
lhasr ejectedmeenoughf ormet ogetthe
messagebutIal soknowt hatshestilll
ovesme.
Shei sjustst i
llangryandusingthatbi r
dfluofher
s
tohur tme.I '
veknownThandil ongenought oknow
thatshei sn'ti
nt othati
diot
.
Simli
ndil
ewal
ksint
othel
ounge,t
hrowsher
sel
fon
thecouchbef
oresi
ghi
ngloudl
y

Si
mi:Ineedanapf
oratl
east20days
Me:nocomment
Her:shutupwena.Youareatypi
calbl
ackf
ather
,
yourunawaywhent hegoingget
stough

Shehi
ssesandIhavet
ost
opmysel
ffr
om l
aughi
ng

Me:uyanya.I
'
m aboutt
ogochangemyangel's
di
aper.Showmeat ypi
calbl
ackf
athert
hatwould
dothat
Sambul
o:changeThando'
sdiapert
oo.Thesmel
l
comi
ngfrom t
herei
sn'twel
coming
Me:shedoesn'
tli
keme,
youdealwi
thher

Theset
wobecomesuchl azyparent
swhent hey
havevi
sit
ors.You'
dswearhavi
ngnewbor ntwinsis
suchadif
ficul
tthi
ngandthegi
rlsar
en'
tthatbad.I
endupchangingbothoft
hem,bathi
ngbothoft hem
wit
hSimi'
shelpandshefeedsthem
Si
mi:st
opst
ari
ngatmyboobs

Ichuckl
e

Me:whatboobssi
singobat
hosear
ethesi
zeof
avocados
Her
:yetyouar
est
il
lst
arr
ing
Me:I'
mlooki
ngatmychil
d.youar
ecr
azywenaand
cal
lThandi
.Iwantt
otal
ktoher

Shef
rownst
henshakesherhead

Her
:leaveheral
oneSabel
o
Me:Iwil
l.Ij
ustwantt
otal
ktohert
henI'
lll
eaveher
al
one.Sheseemshappywitht
hatguyanyway

Sher
aisesoneeyebr
owatme
Me:yi
ntoni
?
Her
:st
opl
ying
Me:yhohayi
keIdon'tknowwhatyouwantf
rom me.
cal
lher
,don'
ttel
lherI'
m her
ethough.
Her
:putKukhanyat
osl
eepandI
'
llcal
lher

It
akemybabyf
rom herandst
artr
ocki
ngher

Me:I'
m goi
ngt
ost
opvi
sit
ingyoupeopl
e.y'
al
lar
e
abusi
ve
Her
:theyar
eyourchi
ldr
ent
oo

Shewalksouttheroom wi
thherphonealr
eadyon
herear
.Ismil
et omysel
fasIwatchLightfal
lasl
eep

Me:Iloveyouangelf
ace.yourparentsarepsycho
butyouandyoursist
erarethebestthingtheycoul
d
haveeverdone.
Shefall
sasleepandIputherinhercotbedbefore
walki
ngout.Thandofel
lasl
eepf i
rst
.It
hinkIal
so
wantthi
sli
fe,tohaveagir
lthat'
sdownf ormeas
muchasSi miisformybrotherandhavebeauti
ful
ki
ds.Thosear et
hethi
ngsmoneycoul dneverbuy

Sambul
o:shoul
dwegi
veyouspacewhenThandi
get
sher
e?

Myhear tst
art
sraci
ngandIswall
owhard.Forsome
reasonIexpect
edhert
orefuset
ocomebutt hen
againhadsheknownthatI
'
m here,shewoul
dhave
refused

Me:yeahbruh,t
hat'
sifshedoesn'
tst
orm out
i
mmedi at
elyaf
terseei
ngme
Sambulo:shemi
ghtnotadmi
titbutIknowshe
l
ovesyou
Si
mi:hayidon'
tli
etohi
m.ThandiandOnkear
e
happyt
oget
herandt
hisi
sn'
tri
ghtbutangi
zingeni
Me:al
lIhear
dist
hel
astpar
t

Theyleavet heroom andnowI 'm panicki

ng.Ihave
noideahowThandiwi llreactori fshewil
levengi ve
met hetimeofday.Ipourmysel faglassofwhi skey,
downi tandpourmysel fanot herone.OkSabel oget
i
ttogether.Youneedt obesoberf ort
hisorelseshe
won'ttakeyouser i
ously.WhenIhearaknockon
thedoor,Itakeinadeepbr eathandopen.I '
m
shockedact ual
ly.Whydi dshebr i
ngthisbir
df l
u
i
diot?

Thandi
:Sabel
o

Ican'treadherexpr
essionbutshelooksgorgeous.
Sheisi nashir
tdressandflops.Theidi
othashis
arm aroundherwaistandsmi l
ingather
.Ifeelsi
ck

Me:heyThandi
Onke:ei
ta

Iwanttorol
lmyeyesorpunchthi
sfoolbutIdon'
t.I
shakehishandandgi
vehim anod

Me:sho
Onke:ar
ethebabiesst
il
lup?Iwoul
dlovet
osee
t
hem befor
eIleave
Me:t
heyareasl
eep.YoucangoseeSambul
oand
Si
mi.Theyar
ebythepoolarea

Henodst
henl
ooksatThandi

Thandi
:let
'sgogr
eetbabe

Thatonewor d.Itjustswi
tchedmywholemood
around.If
eltsomet hingI
'
veneverf
eltbef
ore,
Iwas
j
ealousandnot hingcouldhidei
t
Me:uhm canIt
alkt
oyouf
orasecondThandi
Thandi
:nott
oday
Me:Onkebr
uyami
,doyoumi
nd?
Onke:nah.Hedi
dsayforjustasecondst
handwa
samithenyou'
l
lcomegreet

Itt
ookeveryt
hinginmenott osnapwhenheki ssed
herinf
rontofme.Ican'tl
osethiswoman, nott
o
thi
sfoolofal
lpeople.Shehastotakemeback, she
j
usthastoo.Hewal ksawayandmyeyesst ayglued
onherwhileshelookseverywherebutatme

Me:youl
ookbeaut
if
ul
Thandi
:whyar
eyoudoi
ngt
his?

If
rown
Me:doi
ngwhat
?Compl
iment
ingyou?
Her:hedoesn'
tknowaboutyou,t
hat
'swhyhe
agr
eedtoleavemewithyou.Idon'
twantt
otal
kto
you
Me:OKdon'
ttal
kthen.Hearmeout
.ThandiI
'
m
sor
ry
Her:stopri
ghtt
here.Idon'
tneedthisfrom you
Sabelo.Thi
sapologyisayeartoolate

Isi
gh.Iwanttowalkawaybutiknowitwil
lbe
point
less.Thi
swomanhasmyhear tandIdon'
t
thi
nksheknowsit

Me:Iwashur
t.Ishoul
dn'
thavesai
dwhatIsai
dto
you
Her
:Ihadj
ustl
ostababy
Me:wel
ostababy.Bot
hofus
Her:andyoublamedme.Youact
edasi
fmypain
di
dn'tmatt
er.Ihadt
ogi
vebirt
htohi
m.hewasdead
andIhadt
ostil
lbr
inghi
mint
othewor
ld.I
magi
ne
thepai
nIf
elt

Iseethet earsfi
ll
inghereyesandmyhear tbreaks.
Itsbeenoverayearbutt hewoundsst i
llfeelf
resh,
thepainst i
llr
ipsthroughtheheartasifithappened
yesterdayandt hatgutti
ngfeel
ingatthepi tofmy
stomachi sstil
lther
e

Me:IblamedyouandIshoul dn'thave.Isai
dhur t
ful
thi
ngsandI 'm sorr
ybutyouhur tmet ooThandi.
Youcalledmet oxi
c.YousaidI'm notwor t
hyoflove,
youthrewever yweaknessIhadatmeknowi ngvery
wellhowmuchIwaswor ki
ngonmysel fyethereI
am infrontofyou.Iforgaveyouknowi ngverywell
thatyouwer enotgoingtoapol ogizebutbecauseI
l
oveyou, Iforgaveyou

Shecri
esandthist
imear ound,Idon'
thesi
tat
ein
wrappi
ngmyar msaroundher .Hersobsgetl
ouder
themomentherheadhitsmychest
Her
:I'
m..
.Ishoul
dn'
thave.
..
Sabel
o
Me:shhsthandwasami.I
'
m her
e.I
tdoesn'
tmat
ter
anymore.I
'
m herenow

Il
eadhertooneoft
hespar
er oomsandl
ockt
he
door
.Idon'
tneedbi
rdf
luwalkingi
nonus

Me:Ineverst
oppedl
ovi
ngyouThandi

Sheshakesherhead

Me:Imeani
t
Her
:Sabel
oI'
m wi
thOnkenow
Me:fuckOnke.ThandiyouandIbelongtogether
.I
al
wayst houghtIcansavemyselff
rom t
hefucked
upthi
ngsI '
vebeenthroughandlor
dknowsI '
vetri
ed
butIneedyou.Ineedyouinordertobeabetter
man
Her
:Sabel
o

Iholdherwaistandpinheragainstt
hewal l
.My
bodyispressedagainsther
s,shedrawsi nadeep
breat
hbeforeshutt
inghereyes.Thereisbarel
yany
spacebetweenusbutIwanthercl osertome,Ist
il
l
feelf
arfr
om her

Me:tel
lmeyoudon'tl
ovemeandI '
llwalkaway.I'
l
l
walkawayandneverbot
heryouagai n.Tellmethat
I'
m al
oneint
hisandyou'
llneverhavetowor ry
aboutmeharassi
ngyou.

Ipressmyf oreheadonhersandshedr awsi n

anotherdeepbr eat
h.Myli
psBrushagai nsthers
andshepar tsherown.Theyfeelsof
t,softert
han
thelastt
imeIr ememberthem

Me:t
ellme
Her
:Sabel
oIcan'
t.
..
Me:t
ellmeNkosi
ngt
handi
le.Tel
lmehowyouf
eel
Her:Il
oveyou.I
'
veal
waysl
ovedyouandInever
st
opped

Ipul
lherbot tom l
ipbetweenmyt eet
handkissher
sl
owl y.Myhear tbeat
shardagainstmychest,my
worl
dst artsspi
nningandIgetlostintheecst
asy.I
wast oldt ofi
ghtforherandIjustenter
edthe
batt
lefield.
ICANSAVEMYSELF
*
41*
<Sl
indi
le>
Overthepast12mont hslifehastaughtmeaf ew
l
essonsandt hemosti mpor t
antonebeingt hatmy
happil
yeverafterisn'
tcomi ng.Itmightbehar dto
beli
evethatespeciall
yifyou'rewatchingmyl if
e
fr
om theoutside.Iseem tohavei tt
ogetheryaz, I
havealovingman, mycar eerisst
il
lprett
ymuch
stabl
eandsoar emyf inancesbutthoset hatare
deepwi thinourcircleknowt hati
tsnotasr osyasi
t
seems.I nthepast12mont hsI '
vehadt wo
miscar r
iages,I
'veturneddownOyi ntando's
mar r
iagepr oposalandwear eatthepoi nti
nour
rel
ati
onshi pwher ewear ewal ki
ngoneggshel l
s
aroundeachot her.Ithi
nkt heonlyt hingthatkeeps
usgoi ngisthatwear esti
llinsanelyinlovewi th
eachot her

Nt
ando:mor
ning

Wearelayingi
nbed,
itsaSundaymor
ningandwe
havenoplans

Me:hey

Irubmyeyesbeforeopeningthem.Hei
sstari
ngat
mewithhal
fasmi l
eonhi sface.Sl
owl
yI'
m gett
ing
usedtohowgorgeousthismani s
Hi
m:howar
eyou?
Me:I
'
m OKandyou?
Hi
m:I
'
m OKt
oo

Silenceoccupi estheroom.Hei sst i

lll
ookingatme
buthi slookhasshi ft
edtosadness.Ihat eseeing
himl i
kethi s,hei sahappyper sonbutsi ncet he
secondmi scar ri
age,ihaven'
tseent hatsideofhi m.
Thef i
rsttimewef oundoutwewer epr egnantwas
j
ustaweekaf t
erSi mitol
dmeshewasexpect i
ng.I
wasexci tedbutmyexci t
ementl astedfor3mont hs
bef oreIlostt hebaby.It ri
edtost aystrongandnot
fallintothatdar kplaceIwasi naf t
erIlostmyf i
rst
child.Imadei tthroughallofthatnotbecauseof
myownst rengt hbutbecauseoft hegr eatsuppor t
syst em Ihad.Thesecondmi scar ri
agewasover2
mont hsago.I t
sst il
lfr
eshandt hear ri
valofmy
sister'stwinshasbeent ri
ggering.Iwon' tevenl ie.I
l
ovemyni ecesandIl oveSimlindi l
ebutI '
mj ealous.
I'
m happyf orherbutI 'mjeal
ousofherl i
fe
Me:pl
easedon'
tlookatmel
iket
hat
Hi
m:I
'
m sor
ry

It
rygett
ingoutofbedbuthest
opsmeanddr
ags
hi
mselfclosert
ome

Hi
m:mypar
ent
swantt
oseeus

Isi
gh.Ili
kehisfamilybuthi
smot heri
stooi
nvolved
i
nourr el
ati
onshipandwear enotevenmarr
ied.He
tal
kstohermor ethanhetal
kstomeyetheexpect s
met oopenuptohi m

Me:why?
Hi
m:mymot
heri
swor
ri
ed
Me:ofcourseshei
s.Sheisalwayssowor
ri
ed
aboutus.I
'
m surpr
isedshehasn'
tmovedi
nyet
Herai
sesaneyebrowandIquicklyl
ookaway.I
cl
earmythroatasIst
il
lfeel
hiseyesbur
ningahol
e
onmyskin

Me:whatt
imeshoul
dwebet
her
e?
Hi
m:shecaresaboutyouSli
ndi
le,
that
'swhyshe
wor
ri
es.shedoesn'
tdeser
veyoubeingrudet
oher
Me:I'
veneverbeenrudetoyourmot herOyintando
andI'
m notwrongfornotwantinghermeddl ingin
ourbusi
nessallt
het i
me.Sheisyourmot herbutI'm
yourgi
rl
fr
iend,whycan'tyouconfi
deinmet he
samewayyouconf ideinher?

Hedoesn'trespondandwhenIr eali
zet hatI'm not
goingtogetar esponsefrom him,Igetoutofbed.
Hedoesn'tstopme.It akealongshower ,tears
str
eam downmycheeksandwhenmysobsst art
beingaudi
ble,Icovermymout h.Ij
ustwi shIcoul d
fi
ndtheswitchf orthi
spainandt urnitoff.It
s
becomingmor eandmor eoverwhelmingwi t
heach
day.Whatkindofawomanam IwhenIcan' teven
barechi l
drenfort hemant hatIlove?Iknowt he
mar r
iagepr oposalwasoutofpi t
ywhi chi swhyI
saidno.Iwantt ogivehi m achildbef oreIcan
considertakinghi ssurnamei nst eadofmar rying
him onlyforhimt ol eavemewhenher ealizest hat
thebabi esaren'tpopping.Event uallymykneesf ai
l
meandsl idedownt hewal lunti
lmynakedbut t
touchest hecoldt il
es.Mykneesar eraisedtomy
chest,thewat erisflowingovermyheadanddown
myf aceandmybodyi sshaki ng.Idon' tknowhow
hehear dmewhenI '
vebeent ryi
ngsohar dnott o
makeasoundbutbef oreIknowi t,heissi t
ti
ngnext
tome.Het urnedt hewat eroffbuthei sinhis
pyjamasont hewetshowerf l
oorwi thhi sarms
aroundme

Him:I '
m sorrywelostt
hebabieslal
a.I'
m sor
ryI
couldn'ttal
ktoyouaboutmypai nbutIWantedt o
best rongforyou.Youneededmeandicoul dn't
breakdown.Icoul dn'
tletyoudownwhenIal r
eady
fel
tlikeIwasf ai
li
ngyou.IloveyouSli
ndil
eandwe
willgetthroughthi
s
Hisvoi ceisbr eakingandt hat'
showIknowhei s
cryingbutIdon' tsayanyt hing.I'
mi nmyownl it
tl
e
wor ldbutever ywor dheut ter
edi sfull
yregist
eredin
mymi nd.Hel ovesmeandwewi l
lgetthroughthis.
Wespendt her estofthedayi nbed, wellI'
minbed
whi l
ehei si nandoutf eedingus.Wewat chDisney
princessmovi est hewhol eday, cuddli
ngandwi t
h
noment ionoft hemeet i
ngwewer esupposedt o
havewi t
hhi spar ents.Hisphoner angatsomepoi nt
butheswi tchedi toffafterthat.Idon'tevenknow
wher emi nei s

Hi
m:howar
eyouf
eel
ing?
Me:drai
ned.Idon'tknowwhatissupposedt
ohel
p.
Cr
yingdoesn'tseem tobepul
li
nganymi r
acl
esf
or
me.Inst
eaditsjustti
ri
ngmeout
Hi
m:t
alki
ng?
Me:theonl
ypersonIwantt
otal
ktoi
syoubutIal
so
wantyoutotal
ktome.
Hedoesn'
trespondf
orawhi
let
henhesi
gns

Hi
m:whatdoyouwantmet
osay?
Me:l
alawelostt
wochil
drenandyoudi
dn'
treact
.
Youj
ustconti
nuedwi
thli
feasyouknowit
Him:whatgoodwoul di
thavedoneusi fweboth
brokedown?SliIdon'
tli
keseeingyouhurt
ingand
i
npai n.Ihavet
otryandtakethatpai
nawayf r
om
you

Isi
gh.Thereisnogett
ingt
hroughtot
hisone.He
won'tseethi
ngsthewayIwanthimtoseethem so
i
tsbestIleti
tgo

Hi
m:Il
oveyou.Ihopeyouknowt
hat
Me:andIdon'
tdoubti
t
Hepul
lsmecloser
,pl
acesal
ongpeckonmyl
ips
t
henpull
sback

Hi
m:good.I
'
m hungr
ysol
et'
sgomakef
ood
Me:youdothemosti
ntheki
tchenl
ala,
youcan
handl
ethi
sonyourown

Hesmi
lest
henshakeshi
shead

Hi
m:hayiIneedhel
ptoday.Woza.

Webothgetoutofbed,
theweatherisgloomyand
depr
essi
ng.Itakeapol
arfl
eeceblanketandf
oll
ow
hi
m downstai
rs

Him:youar
egoi
ngt
ocookwi
thabl
anketar
ound
you
Me:phumaki
miHadebe,
I'
mjusther
etowat
ch
HeknowsIdon' tdothewhol ecookingt
hing,t
hat'
s
hisdepart
mentandhei sactual
lypassi
onateabout
i
t.I'
m passionat
eabouteat i
ng.Wehaveal i
ght
conversat
ionashepr eparesourwrapsunti
lhis
brot
herarriveswit
hhisgirlf
ri
end.Theyaresuchan
oddcouple.

Kuhl
e:yourmot
heri
snothappywi
thyou
Nt
ando:whatar
eyoudoi
ngher
e?Anddon'
tber
ude

Kuhl eturnst
olookatmewithahugesmil
eonhi
s
facet henhewrapshisar
msaroundme.Weare
close, hemakesmelaughandourcr
azi
nessi
s
mat ched

Kuhl
e:unj
animunt
uwami
?

Ichuckl
e
Me:I
'
m goodbaby,
howar
eyou?

Nt
andol
ooksatuswi
thoneeyebr
owr
aised

Nt
ando:canInotbedi
srespect
edi
nmyownhouse.
Kuhl
e:sukwel
etaf
ondi
n,I
'
llshar
eNomzamowi
th
you

Zahgiggl
esawkwar dl
ythenIgetuptohugher
.She
al
waysseemssoawkwar daroundKuhl
e'sf
amil
y
andthisi
diotneverpi
cksi
tup

Me:howar
eyou?
Zah:I
'
m OKandyou?
Me:I
'
m OKt
oo.Whatwoul
dyoul
iket
odr
ink?

Mi
ndyouherboyf
ri
endal
readyhasabeeri
nhi
s
handandannoyi
ngmyman

Zah:j
uicei
sfi
ne

Aft
erpour
ingheraglassofj
uice,
Itel
lKuhleto
dri
vemetosparforwineandsnacks.Theydon't
l
ookli
ketheywil
lbeleavi
ngsoon.Wet akehi
sMer c
anddri
veoff

Me:whyar
eyousuchashi
tt
yboyf
ri
end?

Hefr
owns,l
ooksatmef
oraf
ewsecondst
hen
f
ocusesont
heroad

Kuhl
e:hai
boI
'
m agr
eatboyf
ri
end
Me:accor
dingt
owho?
Him:accor
dingt
othef
actt
hatmygi
rl
fr
iendhasn'
t
complai
ned
Me:butshei
sn'
thappy

Heseemstobeget
ti
ngmor
econf
usedt
henhe
st
art
slaughi
ng

Me:uhl
ekani
?
Him:I'
ml aughi
ngathowsi mil
aryouandmymom
are.Youcomplainaboutherbei
nginyourbusi
ness
butjongangoku.
Me:mxm I
'
mtr
yingt
ohel
p

Hel
aughsagai
n

Me:st
opannoyi
ngme.I
'
m notl
ikeyourmot
her
Hi
m:yesyouare.Youj
ustdon'
tseei
tanddon't
wor
ryaboutmeandNomzamo, wearegood.
Me:uyamt
handa?
Hi
m:icar
eabouther
.It
akecar
eofherandIal
ways
makesur esheishappy.Lovei sover
ratedSl i
.In
thisdayandaget hesmar tthingtodoisf i
nd
someonet hatDoesn'tannoyyouandt hatyoucan
vibewithandt akeitfrom there.I
tssi
mpl erthatway
anddon' ttel
lmet hatIneedl oveandwhatnot .I
reall
ydon' t
.Ihaveagi rl
,sheishappyandI '
m happy.
I'
ml oyaltoherandasyouputi t,
Idon'
tsubj ecther
tofuckeryandpopayi sm.
ICANSAVEMYSELF
*
42*
<Si
mli
ndi
le>
Mybabi esaretwomont hsoldnowandI 'm alr
eady
ti
redofmot herhood.Don'tgetmewr ong,Ilovemy
ti
nyhumansbutIwantmysl eepback.Theyar e
suchangelsdur ingthedaybutt hemomentt hesun
goesdownkuyanyi wa.Lightisslowl ydevelopinga
"don'
tcare"att
itudeandLovei sst i
lltheattenti
on
seeki
ngdaddy' sgirl
.AlsoherandSabel ohavea
l
ove-haterel
ati
onshi p,i
tsadorabler eall
y.I'
m
spendingaweekwi thSambul o'
sf ami l
y.Hisdadi s
obsessedwi t
ht hetwinsandhi smom j ustli
kes
havi
ngusaround.I
'
vefini
shedbathi
ngmyangel
s
andI'
m get
ti
ngthem dr
essed.Somil
awal
ksi
n

Somi
la:hel
lomybabi
es

Ismi
leathert
henatherni
eces

Me:sayhel
loaunt
ie.Sayhel
l
o

It
akeThando'
sli
tt
lehandandwavei
t

Somi
la:t
heyar
esocut
e.Ican'
tgetovert
hem
Me:youwantoneofyourown?
Her
:youwantyourmanandhi
sphot
ocopyt
oski
n
meali
ve?

Wesharealaugh.Theyreal
lywoul
dskinheral
ivei
f
t
heyeverf
oundoutt hatshewasdati
ng.Menwith
daught
ersorsi
ster
sar
ethewor
standbest

Me:soyouar
enotdat
ing?

Shelaughsandcover
sherface.If
ini
shgett
ing
Thandodressedandmoveont oKhanyawhil
e
Somilagi
vesThandotheat
tenti
onshelovesso
much

Me:soyouar
edat
ing?
Her
:yesbutpl
easedon'
ttel
lbhut
i
Me:Iwon'
t.Sowhoi
she?

Shestar
tsbl
ushi
ngandbeami
ng.I
tst
hecut
est
thi
ngever

Her
:hi
snameisEyenkosi
.EyenkosiKl
aas.Hei
s
doi
nghi
shonour
sinbusinessmanagement
Me:asmar
tguy.Howol
dishe?I
shehot
?

Thedooropensandmymanwalksin,het
akesone
l
ookatthetwinsandasmi
let
akesoverhi
sface

Sambul
o:stoptal
kingaboutboysi
nfr
ontofmy
pur
eandinnocentangel
s
Somi
la:wewer
enott
alki
ngaboutboysbhut
i

Helooksatherwit
honeeyebr
owrai
sedwhi
ch
makeshersquir
m onthespot
.Shel
ower
sherhead

Sambulo:mom needsyoui
nt heki
tchen.wewi
ll
di
scussthi
sthi
ngofyoudatinglat
erwhenSabelo
get
shere

Somil
arushesoutt
her
oom i
nli
ght
ningspeed.If
eel
sobadforher
Me:youeavesdr
opped
Him:youguysar
el oud.Iheardeveryt
hingwhil
eI
wasstandi
ngatthedoor .Si
mlindi
ledon't
encour
agemysistertohavesex.Shei sachil
d

Myfaci
alexpr
essi
onchangeswhenIr
eal
izet
hathe
i
sseri
ous.

Me:haibobabyIwasjustj
oki
ngandmaki
ng
conver
sati
onwithher
Him:andther
ewasnothingel
seyoucoul
dtal
k
aboutapar
tfr
om sexanddati
ng?
Me:haikei
fyoudon'twantt
ounderst
andt
hati
t
wasajokethenIdon'
tknowwhatyouwantmeto
say.

HetakesThandowhowasal
readysobbingand
r
ocksherbackandfor
thwhi
l
eIbreastfeedKhanya
Hi
m:justdon'
ttalkt
oheraboutt
heset
hings.shei
s
t
ooyoungforalloft
his

Inodandf ocusonmydaught erwhoi ssuckingon

mef ordearli
fe.Someoneisreall
yhungr y.When
sheisf ul
lherfat
hert
akesherandbur psherwhi l
eI
feedThando.Whent hetwinsarefed,wehead
downst ai
rstojoi
ntherestoft
hef ami
ly.Thereisa
bitoftensi
onbetweenusbutI '
m choosingtoignore
i
t

Loyi
so:br
ingmywi
ves.Br
ing
Sambul
o:wear
est
il
lbondi
ng
Loyi
so:you'
l
lbondwhenyougobackt
oyourhouse

HetakesLovef
rom Sambuloandsheismorethan
happytogotohergrandf
ather
.Heki
sseshercheek
andsmilest
ohimself
Loyi
so:youknowifi
twasn'
tforSi
mli
ndil
eyou'
dst
il
l
betaki
ngupoxygeninmyhouseandfini
shi
ngmy
food

Sambul
ogr
unt
sashesi
nksont
othecouch

Gugu:Loyi
sol
eavemybabyal
one
Loyiso:baby?Yhothi
sisagrownassmannanazi
.
grownassmanwi t
hchil
dren

Shakawalksi
nlooki
ngdrai
nedbutwhenhesees
hi
snieceshewantstohol
dLight

Loyi
so:t
hisi
sanot
heronet
hatmustl
eavemy
house
Shaka:hawut
ata
Gugu:Somi
lai
sol
dert
hanShaka,
issheal
so
movi
ngout
?
Loyi
so:never
!Som Som i
smybaby.Shewi
llbemy
babyfor
ever

Iseethedoubl
estandardst
hinggoesfardownthe
gener
ationoft
heSmi t
hmen.IleaveKhanyawit
h
Shakaandgohelpoutinthekit
chen

Gugu:Somi
layouneedtot
ellyourf
atheryouar
e
dati
ngorel
sehewil
lhaveaheartat
tackwhenhe
fi
ndsOut
Somil
a:hayimamayout
ellhi
m.Hemi ghtj
ust
di
sownmet hesamewayhedisownedsis'
Tshepi
Gugu:I'
m notgetti
nginvol
vedmnt anamibutyou
havetotel
lhim ngobaifhefindsoutonhisown,he
wil
lbemor edisappoi
ntedthatyoudidn'
ttr
usthi
m
enoughtolethimin

Izoneoutt
her estoft
heconver
sat
ionandjustt
hink
abouthowcrazySambuloandSabelowil
lgetwhen
LoveandLightstartdat
ing.Therearetoomany
menint hi
sfamilyandthewomenar eover l
y
prot
ectedbythem.Anhourl aterThandi,Sabel
oand
Lwandisowalkin.Ofcoursemybabyr unstome
andgivesmeahug.Hei sgetti
ngquitetallnow

Lwandi
so:hel
lomommy
Me:hel
lobaby.Imi
ssedyou
Lwandiso:Imissedyout
oo.Letmegogr
eet
mkhuluandt at
a
Me:OKbutyou'
l
lcomebackr
ight
?

Henodsbefor
erunni
ngof
ftothel
ounge.Thandi
andIshar
eahugandSabeloj
ustwinksatme

Me:angi
jol
inawewena
Sabel
o:kodwayouwantme.Youknowyoudo
Me:keepdr
eami
ng.Comegi
vemeahugandst
op
bei
ngapunk
Hewrapshi
sarmsaroundmewarmlyt
hengives
measqueeze.Hei
salotwarmernowt
hathehas
l
oveinhi
sli
fe.Hei
ssti
llcol
dbutt
omeheisal ot
war
mer

Sabelo:st
handwasami
I'
m goi
ngt
ogr
eetmy
brot
hersandmydad

HesmilesatThandiwhoblushesbef
orenoddi
ng.
Af
terhehasleftt
heroom,iturnmyattent
iont
omy
whoreofafri
end

Me:whatdi
dyout
ellOnket
hist
ime?
Thandi
:het
hinksI
'
minJo'
bur
gwi
thmypar
ent
s
Me:wow

Shesi
ghs.Idon'
tknowwhysheisouthereact
ing
fr
eshwhenshecouldhavej
usteasi
lybr
okenup
wi
thOnkeandgonebackt
oSabel
o

Me:howl
ongar
eyougoi
ngt
okeept
hisup?
Her
:Ij
ustneedt
ime
Me:andSabel
oisokwi
thal
loft
his?

Shenods

Me:hmm
Her:I
'l
lbr
eakupwi thhim.Ij
ustneedt
ime.Wewer e
toget
herfor6months,wewerehappysoIcan'
tjust
enditwit
hhim overni
ght
Me:youarecheat
ingonhi
m Thandi
,i
tdoesn'
tmake
t
hisanybett
er.Doyoul
ovehi
m?

Shepausesf
oracoupl
eofsecondst
henshenods

Me:andSabel
o?
Shenodsagai
n

Me:yhohayikesi
siyouar
einshit.youhavet
o
makeadecisi
onatsomepointbecauseyoucan'
t
havei
sthembufor
ever
Her:Iknow.Idon'ttr
ustSabelowi t
hmyheartyet.
Yeshesayshel ovesmebutl ookatwhathappened
thelastt
ime.I
'mj ustscared.Onketreat
smelikea
queen,heconsidersmyf eeli
ngs,helovesme.Heis
theopposit
eofSabel o

Igrunt
.Honest
lyt
hiswholet
hingisamessandI'
d
real
lyl
iket
ostayoutofi
tbutThandii
smyfri
end
andSabeloismybrot
herinl
aw.Iwantbot
hofthem
tobehappy

Her
:Ij
ustdon'
tknowwhatt
odo
Me:f
oll
owyourhear
t
Her:mefol
lowi
ngmyhear twi
lll
eadtosomeone
get
tinghur
t.MaybeIshoul
djustbr
eakupwithbot
h
oft
hem
Me:it
sagoodpl anbutSabel
owon' tl
etyoudot hat
.
Theguylovesyouandthefactthatheisshari
ng
youri
ghtnowcan'tbeeasyforhim butbecause
he'
dratherhavehal
fofyouthanhavenoneofyou,
heiswithyou

I'
m notgoingt otellherwhot ochoose, sheisold
enought omakeherowndeci si
ons.Myj obisto
supportherasmyf ri
end.Shehel psmedi shupf or
everyonethenSomi laser vesherpar entsandher
brot
hers.I'm notreallyhungr ysoileavemyf oodin
theovenandgoupst airstot akeanap.Sambul o
andIhaven' tspokensi ncehet ol
dmeI 'm
encouraginghissi stert ohavesex.Iwasof f
ended
bythatandIknowhepi ckedt hatup.Ichangei nt
o
sweatpantsandasweat ert hengetundert he
covers.AsI '
m dozingof f,Ihearthedooropent hen
afewmi nut eslat
er ,
If eel someonegeti nbedwi t
h
me
Sambul
o:ul
ele?
Me:yes
Hi
m:canwet
alk?
Me:no

It
urnmybackonhi
m andt
ryf
all
ingasl
eepagai
n

Hi
m:whyar
eyoumadatme?
Me:I
'mtryi
ngtosleepSambul
o.Iwasupmostof
t
henightbecauseI'
m amot
hersopleasecanyou
j
ustal
lowmet orest
Hi
m:OK

Idon'thearhi
svoiceagainandIf
allint
oadeep
sleep.Idon'
thavetheenergyt
ofi
ghtwi t
hhim.He
knowshewaswr ongthat'
swhyhei sherechecki
ng
thecoast.Sambuloisgrownandhei ssmart,
he
doesn'
tneedmespell
ingThingsoutt
ohim.I
'
m
wokenupbyhisphoneringi
ngbutIdon'
tmove.

Sambulo:hel
lo.
..
youfoundhi
m. .
.andNgcobo's
brot
her.
..
OKshap...
Idon'
tcar
ewhatyoudowi t
h
hi
m aslongasyouf i
ndawayt okeephi m shut
aboutwhathappenedatthej
ailcell
sthat
ni
ght..
.t
hanksmzala.
..
sho
ICANSAVEMYSELF
*
43*
<Sambul
o>
Itwaswhenshegotoutofbedt
hatIr
eal
izedmy
stupi
dit
y.FuckSambul
o!Howcoul
dIhavebeenso
stupi
d?

Me:baby
Si
mi:don'
ttal
ktome
Me:youar
egoi
ngt
owal
kawayagai
n?
Shest opsandturnstol
ookatmewi thherarms
foldedacrossherchest
.Sheisfuri
ousbutapart
from theangert
hathasherforeheadwr i
nkl
edand
hernoset wit
chi
ng,Ispotabitofdisappoi
ntmenton
herf ace

Her:don'
ttr
ythatwi
thme.Nott
oday.Yousai
dno
secret
s

Isi
gh.Sheisshoutingandiknowmymot herwil
l
comeknockingheresooni fshekeepst hisup.My
onlyprobl
em ri
ghtnowi sthatIdon'tknowhow
muchoft heconver
sat i
onshehear d.Ireal
lyshould
havejustwal
kedoutt heroom toanswermyphone

Me:youdon'
tknowwhatyouar
eangr
yabout

Shechuckles.Icanhearthesar
casm inherfake
l
aughterbutIchoosetoignorei
t.IfI
'm goi
ngto
st
opherf r
om wal ki
ngoutonme, Ihavetobesmart
aboutt
his

Her:don'
tpat
roni
semeSambul oSmith.Justdon'
t.
Yousaidnomor esecr
etsanddon'
tyoudaretellme
youhidthi
sfr
om mebecauseIdidn'
taskyouabout
i
t
Me:l
oweryourvoi
cei
nmypar
ent
s'house
Si
mli
ndi
le
Her
:mxm

Shest ormsoutt heroom leavi

ngmedef eated.I
don'tknowhowI 'm goi
ngt ogetmysel foutofthis.
Simlindi
lelovesmebutovert hepastcoupl eof
mont hsI'
vecomet oreali
zethatshedoesn' tneed
me.Thear r
ivalofthetwinschangedher ,
shei s
strongerthanshewasbef ore,sheismor e
i
ndependentandhasbecomet hewomanI '
ve
alwaysknownshehadt hepot enti
altobe.Af t
era
fewmi nutesofcomposi ngmysel f
,Iheadoutt he
room aswel l.MydadandSabel oarebusyf i
ghting
overthesoccert hat'
splayingonTV, mykidsar eall
taki
nganapandmysibl
ingsar
eintheot
herl
ounge.
Ican'
tspotmymot
herormygirl
fr
iend

Me:Sabel
o
Sabel
o:sho
Me:canwet
alk?
Dad:hayiwhat'
sthi
snow?Thet
hakwedi
nii
fyou
havesomethingtosay

Isighbefor
edroppingmyselfonthecouch.I
tjust
hitmehowmuchIf uckedupandt herei
savery
strongpossi
bil
it
ythatSiml
indi
lewillwal
kaway
fr
om me

Sabel
o:what
'sgoi
ngon?
Me:sheknows

Headj
ust
shi
ssi
tt
ingposi
ti
onsohecanf
aceme.I
don'tknowwhethertobesadorangrybutIknow
I'
m scaredri
ghtnow.Itakeonelookatmysleepi
ng
daughtersandIfeelmyheartcl
ench.I
tsdi
ff
erent
now, Ihavesomucht olose

Sabel
o:pl
easedon'
ttel
lmesheknowsabout

Thenhekeepsqui
et.Att
hispointevendadis
l
ookingatmeasifI
'mthebiggestfooli
nthewor
ld.

Dad:Iwar
nedyouboysaboutt
his
Me:shedoesn'
twantt
ohearmeout
Dad:youkil
ledherhusbandSambulo,ofcour
seshe
won'twanttohearyouout.Idon'
teventhi
nkshe
wil
lforgi
veyouforthi
s
Me:t
atadon'
tsayt
hat

Thethoughtofherneverfi
ndi
ngiti
nherhear
tto
for
givemescarestheshitoutofme
Sabel
o:takeherhome.Talkt
oher,
tel
lher
ever
ythi
ngandt henl
etherdeci
dewhatshewant
s
todo

Myeyesshootwi deopen,
thatcan'
tbethepl
an.
Sabeloalwayshel
psmewi ththedamagecont
rol
butthi
sisn'
tadamagecont r
ol,i
tst
hrowi
ngme
underthebus

Me:whati
fshel
eavesme
Dad:thenshewasnevermeantt obeyoursandyou
havetolethergo.Youchosetobuil
dyour
rel
ati
onshiponsecret
sandl i
esandunfor
tunat
ely
myboy, act
ionshavereact
ions

Ifeelt
het ear
sinmyeyesbutIquickl
ywi pet hem
awaybef oretheyseehowmuchmyl ovef orthis
womanhasmademeweak.Iwasn' texpectingt his
fr
om eitherofthem.Iexpect
edt
hem tosympat hise
withme, toadvi semeonwaysIcanmakesur ethat
Simidoesn' tleaveme.Nott his.AsIgetup, Ist are
atmydaught ers.Theyar esleepingsopeacef ully,
Thandoi spout ingasusualwhi l
eKhanyahasher
thumbi nhermout h.Iseesomuchoft hei
rmot her
i
nt hem, Ihopet heygrowupt obel ikeher ,fullof
l
ove, st
rengt handcour age.Iheadf ort hest aircase,
everystepIt ake,mymi ndr acesf asterandmy
heartthumpshar dagai nstmychest .Ther eare
sobscomi ngf r
om mymot her'sroom, Iknockt wi ce
thenenter.Theyar eal lCuddl edupont hebed.
ThandiandSi miarecuddl i
ng, Simiiscr yi
ng,my
mot heri
sj ustrubbingherback.Judgi ngbyt hel ook
theygiveme, Imightnotbewel comei nher e.Icl ear
myt hroatbutmymot hershakesherhead

Me:Ineedt
otal
ktoher
Thandi
:sheneedsspaceSambul
o.Nowi
snott
he
ti
me
Me:I'
m notdel
ayi
ngt
hisThandi
.Ineedt
otal
kto
her
Thandiwhisperssomet
hingt
oSimli
ndil
ewho
qui
cklyshakesherhead.Myhear
tsinksbutIl
ook
tomymot herforhel
pandsheshakesherhead

Me:babyplease.Let
sjustgohomesoIcanexpl ai
n
everyt
hingt
oyou.I'l
lgiveyouyourspace
MaMt hembu,IpromiseyoubutIjustneedust
otal
k.
Please

Forafewsecondst herei
snor eact
ionfr
om her
thensheshakesherhead.IsighbutIdon'tmove.
I'
m notgoi
ngtolethershutmeoutl iket
his.My
motherget
supf rom thebedandwal kst
owar dsme,
Icanseeherfrom t
hecor nerofmyeyesbutmy
mainfocusisonthewomanwhoownsmyhear t

Mom:come

Ishakemyhead
Me:ineedt
otal
ktohermom.Pl
ease
Mom:babyshedoesntwanttotal
ktoyour
ightnow.
Gi
veherabitoft
ime.Cometalktome

Idon'twantt
owal koutbutwhatchoi
cedoIhave?I
fol
lowmymot herouttheroom t
henclosethedoor
behindme.Ineedasmoke, noactual
lyIneeda
dri
nk.Ineedtojustdr
inkandpassout

Mom:whathappened?It
houghtyousai
dyou'
l
l
t
aket
hist
othegr ave
Me:Imessedupmama.Iwascar el
ess,
Ithought
shewassleepi
ng.Idi
dn'
tknowshewaslist
ening

I'
m angr
yatmyselffort
his.Mymotherwr apsher
armsaroundmet hemomentthefi
rsttearroll
s
downmycheek.Ist ayi
nherembraceforaf ew
secondsthenpul
lback
Her
:gi
vehersomet
ime
Me:shei
sgoi
ngt
oleaveme
Her:shelovesyouSambuloandyouhur ther.I
knowwhatyouguysdi dcamef rom agoodplace
butshelovedthatman,shewaswi t
hhimf or8year
s
andmaybehewasn' tthebesthusbandbutshe
l
ovedhim

Iwishshewoul dassur emet hatSi

miwon' tl
eavem
butIknowf r
om thel ookinhereyesthatshe
doesn'
twantt ogivemef alsehope.Inodthenwalk
tomyr oom,takemyphone, carkeysandthekeys
tothehousethenl eave.Nooneseesmel eaveand
i
tisbettert
hatway.Ij ustneedtogetaway.WhenI
gettothehouse,Ipackabagt hencallmyuncle
Sbani

Uncl
eS:heeehndodat
hisi
sasur
pri
se
Il
aughl
ight
ly

Me:unj
animal
ume?
Hi
m:I '
m goodboy,
howar
eyou?youguysar
esuch
st
rangers
Me:l
if
eget
sint
hewaymal
ume.Ineedaf
avor
Hi
m:t
alkt
ome
Me:Ineedtouseyourjet.Iwanttofl
youtt
oCape
Towntoni
ghtanditcan'twaitunt
ilt
omorr
ow

I'
m hopinghewon'
taskt
oomanyquesti
ons
becauseIdon'
tknowwhatI
'm goi
ngt
ocapetown
forbutIneedt
ogetawayandIneedt
obealone

Him:I'
dhavetocheckifOr
ioni
savai
labl
etot
ake
youthenI
'l
lgetbacktoyou

Or
ioni
sthepi
lotandt
urnsouthewasavai
labl
e.I
l
andi nCapeTownat8pm, checkintooneofUncl e
Sbani '
shotel
sandswi tchmyphoneof f.Itoldhim
priortomydepar t
uret hatIdon'twantmyf amily
knowi ngwhereIam, notevenSabel o.Ior dera
bot tl
eofwhiskey, ci
gar sandpor kchopswi t
hchips.
Whi leIwait
,Itakeashowerandwhenmyf ood
arrives,
isetupont hebal cony.Thereisasmal l
tableandchairst here.Imi ssmydaught er
sal r
eady
butI '
m notworriedbecauseIknowt heyar esafe

"
Heyhandsome,
needsomecompany"

Il
if
tmyheadandmyeyeslandon2gi
rl
swhoar
e
onthebal
conynextt
omi
ne.

Me:hey
Gi
rl1:youl
ookl
ikeyoucoul
dusesomecompany
Me:Ido?Idon'
tthi
nkso
Gir
l2:wellwe'
dloveyourcompany.wewantt
o
cheeryouup
Ichuckletomysel f.Whendidgirl
sstartbeingso
forward?Iam boredanywayandhavi ngthem over
mighthelpmet akemymi ndoffthings.Theyarr
ive
withtwobot t
lesofwi neandaboxofpi zza.I
alr
eadylikethattheycomepr epared.They
i
ntroducethemsel vesasMandi saandI minat
hiand
theyarestil
linvarsit
y

Me:sowhatar
eyouguysdoi
ngi
nahot
elr
oom?
Imi
:it
smybir
thdayweekendsowedeci
dedt
ospoi
l
our
selves

Anyper sonwithabr ainwoul dknowthatthi

sstory
i
sal iebutIwasn'tgoingt ojudge.Wespendt he
restoftheeveningtalking,wellt
heydomostoft he
t
alkingbuttheyaregi vi
ngmet hedist
ract
ionIneed.
ICANSAVEMYSELF
*
44*
<Sabel
o>
Inevert houghti
nami ll
ionyearsthatI'
dfindmyself
i
nt hispositi
on.Apositi
onwher ebytheper sonI
'
m
i
nl ovewi thi
snotonlymi nebutIhavet obeokay
withshar i
ngherwi t
hanot herman.I'
veneverbeen
atal ostforopti
onswheni tcomest owomenbutI
alsoknowwhatIf eelf
orThandiisthest r
ongestI'
l
l
everf eelf
orawoman.
I'
m sti
llatmypar ents'housewhenIseehercome
downt hestai
rswi thSimlindil
eandseeingSi
mi
mademer eal
izet hatIdon'tknowwheremybr ot
her
went.Ilookatthem ast heywal kt
owardsthe
ki
tchenanddeci dt ofoll
owt hem

Me:whyar
eyouguyshi
dingyour
sel
vesupst
air
s?

Simi'
sfacei
sswoll
enandpink,hereyesar
epuf
fy
andshebasical
lyl
ooksli
kecr
ap.Mywomanont he
otherhandl
ooksamazingasal
ways

Thandi
:Si
mineededme
Me:Si
mli
ndi
lewhat
'sgoi
ngon?Andwher
eist
hat
manofyour
s?

Simiclearshert hr
oat
,shelooksl
ikeshei
saboutto
burstint
ot ears.Ir
eal
lyhopeshedoesn'
tbecause
that'
sonet hingIdon'
tknowhowt ohandl
e.Acryi
ng
woman

Si
mi:Idon'
tknowwher
ehei
s
Me:di
dyouguyshaveaf
ight
?

I
'
mt r
yingt
oassesshowmuchsheknowsaboutour
i
nvol
vementi
nNgcobo'
sdeat
h

Si
mi:somet
hingl
iket
hat

It
urnt
oThandiandsheshr
ugshershoul
der
s
Me:babypl
easegi
veusamoment

Thandil
ooksatSi
miandSi
minods.Shewal
ksout

Me:t
alkt
ome
Simi:Iknowyouknowwhathedi d.Sambul
o
doesn'tdoanyt
hingwi
thoutt
ell
ingyou
Me:youar
enotmaki
ngsenseSi
mli
ndi
le
Her
:heki
ll
edhi
m

Hervoicebreaksassheutter
st hose3wordsbef
ore
t
earsrolldownhercheeks.Thisisexact
lywhati
wastryingtoavoi
d

Me:I
'
m st
il
llost
Her
:st
opt aki
ngmef
oraf
oolSabel
o.Don'
tinsul
t
myint
ell
igence
Me:I
'
m notbutyouar
ereal
lynotmaki
ngsense
Shehuff
sloudl
ybef
oref
oldi
ngherar
msacr
ossher
chest
.

Her
:yourbr
otherki
ll
edmyhusband

Ifr
own.I'
mtryi
ngtopul
lof
fanawar
dwi
nni
ng
perf
ormancehere

Me:aiyouaresti
llnotmakingsense.Theni
ghtthat
nogoodexcuseofahusbandofyour swaski
ll
ed,
mybrotherwasri
ghther eandifIr
emember
cor
rect
ly,youwererighther
ewithhim

Shepausesforamoment,asi
ftakingi
nwhatI'm
sayi
ngtoherthenshest
art
sshakingherhead

Her:t
henhemusthavepaidsomeonetodoit
.I
knowhewasinvol
vedinthi
sSabel
o.don'
ttr
yand
makemeoutt
obecr
azy
Me:soi fyouarebeingcrazyImustjustleaveyou?
You'veknownmybr ot
herf ort
woyearsnowand
hashegi venyouanyr easontothi
nkthatheis
capableofmur der
?
Her
:Ihear
dhi
m ont
hephone

Isi
gh

Me:jongaI'l
lbehonestwi
thyou.weknowwhat
happenedtoyourhusbandbecausewedi dourown
di
gging.that
'stheonl
ythi
ngthatli
nksustohis
death.Mybrotheri
snotamur der
er,yououtofal
l
peopleshouldknowthat
Her:thenwhyi shecover
ingi
tup?I
nnocentpeopl
e
don'tcovert
hingsup
Me:didyout hi
nkforasecondthathecouldhave
beentryi
ngtoprotectyou?Mybrotherl
ovesyou
Siml
indil
e,I'
venevercomeacrossamant hatloves
awomant hewayhedoes.ButIguessyouar estil
l
stuckont hei l
lusi
onofthatmar r
iageyouhadwith
Ngcobo.Mamel aifyouaregoingtohurtmybrot
her,
ratherlethim gobecauseher eal
lydoesn'
tdeser
ve
youdoubt inghi mliket
his.Youneedtostepback
andt akeal ookatthelif
eyouhavenowand
compar ei
ttot heli
feyouhadwi t
hyourhusband
andI '
m nott al
kingaboutmoney

Shef r
eezesonthespotforafewsecondsthen
start
scryi
ngagain.Ineedtogetoutofher
e,
Sambul oneedstocomedealwi t
hthi
semotional
personofhisbecauseIreal
lycan'
t.
I'
m star
ti
ngtothinkthati
diotbrotherofminewould
real
lyscrewhisli
feoveri
fIwer etoj ustt
akeast
ep
backandwat ch.SadlyIl
ovet hatfooltoomucht
o
watchhim spir
aloutofcontrol

Her:Ij
ustt
hought
..
.OhgoshIneedt
otal
ktohi
m.at
l
easthearhi
m out
Me:whi
chiswhatyoushoul
dhavedonef
rom t
he
begi
nni
ng.Bynowyoushoul
dknowhowSambul o
takesrej
ecti
on,hedoesntt
akeitwel
l
.yougotangr
y
athim wit
houtGivi
nghim achancet
oexpl
ain
Her
:IwasupsetSabel
o
Me:upsetoverwhat
?Assumpti
onsyoucr eated
from aonesi
dedphonecal
l?NomanSi mlindil
e,
that
'snothowawomanofyourcalabardealswi t
h
probl
ems.

Icouldtel
lthatIhi
taner vebutshehast oknow
thatthewayshedealswi ththingswon'tgether
veryfarwit
hmybr other.Shewal ksout,cl
aimingto
gof i
ndSambul oupstai
rssot heycantalk.Icall
Thandisowecangetgoi ngbef or
eitgetstoolate.
Wesayourgoodbyest omypar ent
sandl eave

Me:t
hisdayhasbeenadr
ag
Thandi
:anemot
ionalr
oll
ercoast
er
Me:don'
tinvol
veyour
sel
finthei
rbusi
ness.Let
t
hem sor
toutthei
rownshit
Her
:Si
mii
smyf
ri
end.Ican'
tjustnotbet
her
efor
her

Womenl ovecall
ingtheirmeddli
ngbydi f
fer
ent
names.Idecidetoletherbebutshemustnotpul l
thoseSi
ml i
ndil
estuntsonme, Iwil
lleavehercr
ying.
Iplacemyhandonhert hi
ghandshechuckl es

Me:whatIneedr
ightnowisashowerandtof
all
asl
eepwit
hmyhandpl ayi
ngwit
hyourboobs
Her:t
hat
'
sreal
lyt
empt
ingbabybutIcan'
tsl
eep
over
Me:whynot
?
Her:Onkewantsustohavedr
inkswi
thhi
s
col
leaguesandthei
rwi
ves

Iremovemyhandf r
om herthi
ghandhol dthe
steeringwheelwithbothhands.Pi
ssedof fdoesn'
t
evenbegi ntodescri
behowIf eelr
ightnowand
j
udgi ngbyhersilence,
sheknowsI '
m angrytoo.I
drivestrai
ghtt
oherhouseandpar katmyusual
spot

Her:youcan'tbemadatmeaboutt
hisSabel
o.you
knowI '
m st
il
lwithOnke
Me:enj
oyyourni
ghtThandi

Shesi
ghs

Her
:Sabel
ocomeon
Me:howl ongareyougoingtokeept
hisup?Orar
e
youtr
yingtobet henextKar
aboMorokawit
hthe
whol
epol yandr
yt hi
ng
Her
:that
'
snotf
air
Me:andmehavi ngtoshareyouwitht
hatidi
otis
fai
r?Yousaidyouneededtimesoyoucanbr eakup
wit
hhi m ni
cel
yandIgaveyouthatbutinst
eadof
endingthatj
okeofarel
ati
onshi
p,youseem tobe
enj
oyinghavingyourbr
eadbutter
edonbothsides
IthoughtI'dbeabl
et ohandl
ethi
sbutIcan'
t.Il
ove
her,Ireal
lydobutIlovemysanit
ytooandthisthi
ng
i
sdr ivi
ngmecr azy

Her
:soyouwantt
owal
koutagai
n?
Me:Iwantyoutomakeupyourmind.Ican'
tshar
e
youanymoresoyouhavet
ochoose.Eit
hermeor
bir
dfl
u
Her
:I'
m wi
thyouar
en'
tI?
Me:yetyoucan' tgohomewi thmebecauseyou
havet ogoent er
tai
npeopl
ewi thanotherman.How
doyout hi
nkitmakesmef eelt
oknowt hathe'
l
lbe
kissingyou, t
ouchi
ngyouandpr obablyfucki
ngyou
tonight?IloveyouThandi
,GodknowsIdobutt hi
s
i
sal ot

Shesighsbefor
enoddi
ng.Icantellt
hatsheis
get
ti
ngt ear
yandIhat
ethat.Iam nottr
yingt
ohur
t
her
Her:idon'
ttr
ustyouwi
thmyhear
t.youhur
tme
Sabelo
Me:youdon'
ttr
ustme?Sowhatar
ewedoi
ngher
e?
Her
:Il
oveyou
Me:yetyoudon'
ttr
ustme.Ist
hatwhyyoust
il
lhave
bi
rdfl
uaround?Isheyoursaf
etynet
?

Shehuf
fs

Her
:Sabel
o

Hervoi
cecomesoutasal
mostawhi
sper

Me:Ihavetogo.you'
l
lcal
lmewhenyou'
vemade
yourdeci
sion

Shei
sdisappoi
ntedbutI
'
m hur
t.Tohavesomeone
youl
ovetel
li
ngyouthatt
heydon'
ttr
ustyouj
ust
hur t
s.i
tdrainsalltheener gyinme.Shet r
iestokiss
mebutIpul lawayandshesi ghsagai nbutdoesn't
sayanything.Insteadsheget soutthecarandI
driveoff
.Ididmypar t,
If oughtforherbutIcan't
fi
ghtalone.Ican'tbet r
yingt omoveast at i
onary
wal l
.Onmywayhome, IcallSisanda.Ireall
ydon't
feelli
kebeingalonet onight

Si
sa:t
hisi
sasur
pri
se.Heydaddy
Me:heybaby.i
tsbeenawhi
le.ur
ight
?
Her
:I'
m goodandyou?
Me:I
'
dbesomuchbet
teri
fIsawyou

Shegi
ggl
esl
iket
hechi
ldshei
s

Her:nextt
imedaddy,
I'
m noteveni
nthepr
ovi
nce.
I
'l
lbebackintwoweeks
Me:youar
ewi
thaman
Shegi
ggl
esagai
n

Her:yeahyoucoul
dsayt
hat
.I'
l
lcal
lyouwhenI
'
m
back
Me:al
ri
ght
.enj
oyyour
sel
f

Ihungup.Ir eall
ydon'tfeellikesleepingalone
tonightbuti tseemslikeIwon' thaveachoi cebutt
o
doj ustthat.WhenIgett ot hehouse, Ideci
detocall
Sambul o.Hehasbeent ooqui et.thePhonegoes
straighttovoicemail
.Mxm l ekaka.Itakeashower ,
grababeert henswitcht heTVon.I tsgoingtobea
l
ongni ghtforme
ICANSAVEMYSELF
*
45*
<Sl
indi
le>
Myboyfri
endisf
rom ahugef amil
y,l
ikeseri
ousl
y
t
herearetoomuchofthesepeopleandtheyareall
j
ustri
ch.Theyar
ethedefinit
ionofgener
ati
onal
weal
thandtheyarenotafrai
dtoshowi t
.It
'shi
s
auntanduncl e's40t hweddinganniversarysowe
areal lgatheredi ntheli
tt
letownofRi chardsBay.I
reallydon'tunder standwhybi l
li
onai
reswoul dwant
tolivehere, i
tjustmakesnosenset omebutt hen
agai nhalfthet hingsri
chpeopledodon' tmake
senset oanyone.I '
m chil
li
ngwi t
hUsithandilei
nthe
backyar dbyt hepond.Shei stheonlyf emaleI'
m
closewi thatt hisplace

Usi
:Ineedt
ogi
veyouaheadsup
Me:on?
Her
:yourman'
sexi
sher
e

I'
veheardbitsandpiecesaboutAngel aDl
amini,t
he
famousexbutI '
veneverseenasi nglephot
oofher .
Apparentl
yshei smyman' shi
ghschoolsweetheart
.
Honestl
yI'm notbotheredortouchedbyher
exist
ence.WhenwasNt andoi
nhighschool?The
mani sapproachinghismi d30snow
Me:why?
Her
:shei
smar
ri
edt
oouruncl
e'
sst
epson
Me:babeswhatuncl
e?Whatst
epson?
Her
:Mpi
loi
suncl
eSbani
'
sst
epson.Angel
aand
Mpi
loar
emarr
ied
Me:oh.I
'
m notevenbother
ed,ther
earesomany
peopl
ehere,
Iprobabl
ywon'tevenseeher

Thiscelebrationisn'
tformal
,i
tmor eli
keonebig
familyreunion.Thef amousZungu'sarehereand
shamet heHadebe' sareal
sorepresent
edabit.I
don'tknowwher emymani sbutI'
m hungrynow
andt hesmel lofbraaingmeatisn'
tmakingmyl i
fe
anyeasi er
.

Me:pl
easef
indyourbr
otherf
orme.I
'
m hungr
y
Her:l
etmeseeifIcan'
tor
ganizeyousomet
hing.
Oyint
andowon'
tleavet
hatci
rcleofmenheiswit
h,I
knowmybrother
Igrunt
.Imisshi m anditseemsasi fhehas
for
gott
enaboutme.WhenUsil eavesI'
mjoinedby2
l
adieswhoi ntr
oducet hemselvesasAyaand
Simphiwe.Simphiwei sOyintando'scousi
nandAya
i
sSi mphiwe'ssi
sterinlaw'ssister.Compl
icated,
I
knowbutIdi dsayt hi
sfamilyishuge

Aya:whenaretheyrel
easi
ngt
heal
coholguys?My
t
hroatfeel
scrunchy
Simphi
we:cr
unchy?Ayawill
youeverst
opdr
inki
ng
l
ikeyouli
vei
nthedeser
tthough?
Aya:never.al
coholisnice.Thepar
tyli
feisgreat
andI'
m notspendinganyone' smoney.Iwentto
var
sit
yf orsuchluxuri
es

Thisgi
rli
smyspi ri
tani
mal .Shegetsthi
sandsheis
fl
owingwithi
t.IspotKuhleatadistanceandwave
forhi
mt ocomet ome.Ihaven'tspott
edZah
anywhereandIwon'task.angit
hiwhenIask,Iget
compar
edt
omymot
heri
nlaw

Kuhle:youlookl
ikeyouar
elacki
ngsavannahi
n
yoursystem

Il
augh.t
hisguy

Me:or
gani
zephel
amunt
uwami
Him:areyousureyouwanttobesi
ppi
ngadult
bever
agesinfr
ontofyouri
nlaws?Phel
athi
sisnot
yourhousemakoti
Me:FokofmahnKuhl
e

Hestar
tslaughi
ngbeforeextendi
nghisarmforme
t
otake.IgetupandAyaget suptoo.Iswearbyt
he
t
imeIleave,t
hisgi
rlwi
llbemybestf r
iend

Si
mphi
we:Usii
scomi
ngwi
thf
ood
Me:we'
l
lbeback.Justkeepherandt
hef
oodher
e

Ayai sonKuhl e'sri

ghtsidewit
hherar m hookedon
hisandI '
m ont heleftwit
hmyar m hooked.heis
enjoyingthi
sbecausehei sget
tinglooksfrom hi
s
cousinsandt heircousins

Kuhl
e:youseet
hatguyovert
her
e?

Heispoi nti
ngataguywear i
ngdeni m shor
ts,a
basketballjerseyandsneaker s.Helooksli
ke
Simphiwej ustobviouslyhotterbecausehei saman.
DidIment iont hatthesepeoplearerichand
gorgeous?I tsridi
culous

Aya:Kuhl
edon'
t

Kuhl
est
art
slaughi
ng
Me:spi
ll
Kuhle:t
hat'
sZonqoba,Simphiwe'stwi
nbrot
her.Aya
overherehashadthebiggestcrushontheguy
si
nceshewas14
Me:what
?Di
dyougethi
mthough?

Ayashakesherhead

Kuhle:t
hat'
sthefunnypar
t.hersist
ermarri
ed
Nqoba'sbrot
hersonowshecan' tdateNqoba
becausetheyarefamil
y
Me:yourf
ami
lyi
sonsomebol
dandt
hebeaut
if
ul
t
ip

Wecont inuewalki
ngandhavi ngacrazy
conversati
on.Ispotmymanatadi st
ance,heis
si
tti
nginaci rcl
ewithotherguysandthereisa
cal
abashi nthemiddle.Helookssorelaxedwit
hhis
shi
rtfoldedattheSleevesandhisti
resandalson.
Hespot smet henblowsmeaki ss.Thebutter
fl
ies
thatfi
llmystomachareundescr
ibabl
ebutIwi
nkat
him andwalkri
ghtpast

Aya:t
her
e'sMpi
lo
Kuhl
e:ohshi
t
Me:what
?
Kuhl
e:nothing.Let
'sgoi
nthehouse,
I'
m sur
ether
e
i
salcoholinthere
Me:butt
hecol
droomsar
eri
ghtt
her
e

Thereisacoupl estandingwherewear e
approaching.Theguyi scol
ouredwi t
hblue-
green
eyes,shortfadeandt hebodyofaspor t
sman.The
l
adyi sabitdark,gorgeousbody,bigeyesandan
afro.Sheisperfect
ion.Sheisshortandjustr
ight
nje.Sheisayesesandahal f
.IfIwasaguy, I
'd
probablybemacki ngonheraswel lspeak

Lady:Kuhl
e,heyst
ranger
OKwhoi
ssheandhowdoessheknowKuhl
e?

Kuhl
e:Ayanda.Hey

TheyshareahugthenKuhleshakeshandswi
ththe
guy.I
'
ml eftt
widdl
ingmythumbsbecauseIdon'
t
knowthesepeople

Ayanda:Ihaven'
tseenyoui
nages
Guy:i
tsbeenawhi
lebr
uh
Kuhl
e:youknowhowl
if
eget
sguysbutyouguys
ar
egood?
Guy:yeahwear
egood.

Theguytur
nstome.Iprobabl
yhavemybor
edf
ace
onri
ghtnowandI'
m nottr
yingtohi
dei
t
Guy:ohlookatusbeingr
ude.I
'
m Lethi
mpil
o
Simmonsandt hisismywif
eAngel
a.well
Kuhl
e'
s
famil
ycallherAyanda

Andt henitcomesbackt ome.Thisisher.Theex.

Thehi ghschoolsweetheart
.Sheisgorgeous.Nah
scratchthat.shei
sfreakengorgeousandI'm
crushingonherbutshei smyman' sex.Ishould
hateherr i
ght?ButhowcanI ?Shedoest hedamn
thi
ngs

Kuhl
e:t
hisi
sSl
i,
Oyi
ntando'
sGi
rl
fr
iend

Ismil
esheepishl
y.Angel
asmi
lesatme,
thatsmi
le
doesn'
tlookf
ake

Angel
a:i
t'
sgr
eatt
omeetyouSl
i.Youar
ebeaut
if
ul
Me:l
ikewi
se.Soar
eyou
Kuhl
edragsmeawayfrom t
heawkwar dnessaf
ter
i
ntr
oshavebeenmade.Idon'
tunder
standwhy

Me:If
orgethowmuchdr
amayouhave
Kuhl
e:Idon'
thavedr
ama.Ij
ustdon'
twantyour
boyf
ri
endonmycase

Heget st
wocar r
ierpacksofSavannahanda6pack
ofhuntersgol
dthenwewal kbacktoourspot
.I'
m
sti
llt
ryi
ngtodecipherwhathesaid.Whywould
Ntandobeonhi scaseaboutmebei ngar
oundhis
ex?
Therestofthedaygoesbyr at
hernicel
y.Ihadt
wo
dumpiesthenlostal
lint
eresti
nalcoholbutmygir
l
Usiwasgoinginhard

Usi
:Si
mbongehasbeent
ryongt
oreachme
Me:Ihopeyou'
vebeeni
gnor
inghi
m
Her
:ofcour
seIhave.af
terIf
oundoutt
hatheused
t
odateThandi
'sst
epmom,
Ilosti
nter
est
.Hest
il
l
l
efthi
swif
ethough
Me:homewr
ecker

Shelaughsbef or
edowni ngherhunt ers.Atthis
pointI
'mtiredandwantt ogohome.Ical lNtando
buthedoesn' tanswer.Itryhim againandnot hing
soIdecidet ogol ookforhim.Hi ssisteri
sstil
l
rambli
ngt oAya, whoisal sonicelydrunk.Ispot
Ntandobyat reeatadistance.Hei stalki
ngt o
Angela.Iquicklyswall
owt hel
umpt hat'
sgrowing
onmyt hroatasIappr oacht hem.Hedoesn' tsee
mebecausehehashi sbackt owar dsmydi recti
on
butAngelaseesme

Me:Lal
acanwegohome?I
'
mti
red

Het urnsaround,Ican'
treadt
heexpr
essi
ononhis
facebuthel ookstense.Hecl
ear
shisthr
oatbef
ore
smilingjustabit
Nt
ando:youar
eti
red?
Me:yeahpl
usImi
ssyou
Hi
m:Imi
ssyout
ool
ala

Hewr apshisonearm aroundmywaistandpul

ls
met owardshimthenkissesmyfor
ehead.Angel
a
standsther
estar
ingatus.Shecl
earsherthr
oat
beforesmil
ing

Angel
a:youl
ookhappyNt
ando
Nt
ando:Iam happy

Shest
ayssmi
li
ng

Angel
a:t
hat
'sal
lIeverwant
edforyou.Tobehappy
despi
tet
hewaythi
ngsendedbetweenus
IhatethatI'
m hereforthisconversat
ionbutr
eall
y,
I'
mt i
red.Sheeventuall
yr eadsbetweentheli
nes
andleaves.Ntandof ol
lowsmet ot hecari
nsil
ence.
I'
m notevensayinggoodbyet oanyone.Ij
ustneed
togetoutofhere.Ifeelingdrai
ned

Nt
ando:Sl
indi
le
Me:Oyi
ntandoyenkosi

Hesighs.Hehasn'
tstar
tedthecarandIfeelhi
s
eyesonme.I'
m abouttocry.Idon'
tknowwhybut
I'
mfeeli
ngquit
eoverwhelmedandemot i
onalri
ght
now

Hi
m:Iwoul
dn'
tdot
hatt
oyou

Ihaven'
tsai
danythingbutheknowshowI
'mfeel
ing
andwhatI'mthi
nking.That
'showmuchheknows
me
Hi
m:shei
smypast
.Youar
emynowandf
orever
Me:shei
sbeaut
if
ul
Him:andsoareyou.Don'tcompareyoursel
ftoher
.
Youarenother
,you'
llneverbeherandthat'
swhyI
l
oveyou.It
syouthatIbelongto.
ICANSAVEMYSELF
*
46*
<Si
mli
ndi
le>
Itsbeenamont handnoonehashear danyt hing
from Sambul o.NotevenSabel oknowswher ehei s
andI '
m goi ngoutofmymi ndwi t
hst ress.I'
ve
gottentot hepoi ntwher ebyIcan' tt
akecar eofthe
girl
sanymor esot heyar ewithGuguandLoyi so.I
seet hem ever ydaybutmyhear ti
sn'tini t
.Imi ss
theirfat
her ,ijustwi shhewoul dswi tchhisphone
onandl etmeknowt hatheisOK.Iwakeup, itsa
TuesdayandIdon' twantt ogetoutofbed.Mybody
feel
st ir
ed, mymi ndi sdefeatedandwhatwi l
lIeven
dowi thmysel fifIgetoutofbed?It hinkifIknew
thatheisOKt henIwouldn'
tworrysomuch.Il ay
awake, starri
ngatthecei
li
ng.Imi sshi
m somuch
thati
thur ts.Icr
ymyselftosleeponlytowakeup
withpuf f
yeyesandamassi veheadache.I
'm woken
upbyt hehar dknockonmybedr oom door
.

Me:what
?
Sabel
o:ar
eyoudecent
?
Me:whatdoyouwant
?
Hi
m:ar
eyoudecent
?Yesorno?
Me:j
ustcomei
n

Thedooropenssl owl
ybef or
ehewal ksin.Heisin
navychinosandal i
ghtblueshirt
.Heisprobably
comi ngfr
om work.Hehasbeenchecki ngonme
everydayfort
hepastmont h,idon'
tknowwhy
becauseIdon'tneedhim

Hi
m:haveyoueat
en?Iboughtr
ibs
Iignor
ehim andst
artpressi
ngmyphone.Idon'
t
l
ikebeingar
oundhim,everythi
ngabouthi
m
remindsmeofSambul o.

Hi
m:Si
mli
ndi
leyouneedt
ogeti
ttoget
her
Me:voet
sek.Whydon'
tyoul
eavemeal
one
Hi m:leaveyoualonesot hatyoucanselfdestr
uct?
Unl ikeyouIactual
lycareaboutmydaught er
sand
theyneedt heirmother.t
hat'
swhyI '
m hereeveryday
tryingtogetyout ogetoverthi
sli
tt
lepit
ypartyyou
arehavi ng

Ifi
ghtthetearsastheythreatentorol
ldownmy
eyes.Ireal
lydon'
tli
keSabel o,hel
acksallt
he
component sonhowt obeahumanbei ng.This
facadeofhismustr equi
requitealotofener
gy

Me:l
eavemeal
oneSabel
o
Hi
m:no.Getyour
sel
fcl
eanedup,
wear
etaki
ngt
he
gi
rl
stot
hepark
Me:theyar
etwomont
hsol
d,t
heydon'
tgot
othe
par
k
Hi
m:j
ustgetcl
eanedupwhi
leImakeyouf
ood

Hedoesn' tevenaski fIwantt ogowi thhim orifI

wantfood.Hej ustdi ctatesbecausehei sSabel o
Smithaf teral landt hewhol ewor l
doweshi m
somethi ng.Hewal ksoutmybedr oom andaf tera
whileIgetoutofbed.Iwant edt olookforSambul o
buttheyst oppedme.Hi spar entsassuredmet hat
heisfine, asi ftheyknowwher eheis.Idon'ttrust
them,theyar ehi di
ngsomet hing.AnywayIgetout
ofbed, opent heslidingdoorandt hebl i
ndst hen
takeashower .itsasi fIcanf eelhispresencer ight
herebutIknowi t
sal linmyhead.Hel ef
t.Hewal ked
outonmeandhi sdaught ersjustbecauseI
wouldn'tl ethim expl ain.AftermyshowerIputon
navysweat pants,awhi t
et anktopandanavy
bomberj acketwi thwhi t
esneaker s.Myhai risa
disasternotevenwor
thmentioni
ngsoIdecideto
i
gnor eit.Igr
abmyphoneandmakemywayt othe
l
ounge.Sabel oiswat
chingsoccerhi
ghl
ight
swi tha
plateonhi sl
apandaglassofcokeonthetable.he
takesonel ookatmeandhef r
owns

Me:yi
ni?
Hi
m:youar
egoi
ngt
oleavedr
essedl
iket
hat
?

It
akealookatmysel
f,Il
ookf
ineandcomf
ort
abl
e.
Whatdoeshewant?

Me:what
swr
ongwi
tht
hewayI
'
m dr
essed?
Hi
m:itsuhm...HowdoIputthi
sinawaythatyou
wi
llunder
standwit
houtget
ti
ngemoti
onal
?
Me:don'tbot
her.idon'
tcar
e.I'
mjustgoi
ngt
osee
mykids.Nothi
ngexciti
ngishappeni
ng

Hesi
ghs
Hi
m:yeahbut
..
.
Me:mxm l
eavemeal
one

Hedi shedupformebutI'm notreall

yhungry.Ieat
forthesakeofpeaceandbecausehemi ghtnotlet
megoseemychi ldr
enifIdon'teat.You'
dswearI '
m
achi l
d.whenI'
m doneeati
ng,Itosst hepl
atesand
glassesinthesi
nk

Me:ar
ewel
eavi
ngorwhat
?
Hi
m:r
elax

Thedrivet
ohi spar
ent
shouseisaratherawkwar
d
one.Thecloserwegett
othehousethemor e
i
ntenseheget s.

Me:ar
eyouOK?
Hi
m:yeah

Idropi
t.Ihavemyownshitgoingon.Wegett
othe
housebuthedoesn'
tgetoutt
hecar

Hi
m:go.I
'
llcomej
ustnow.Ij
ustneedt
obr
eat
he

InodandWal kawaytowardsthedoor
.Idon'
tknock
butwalki
nandi t
'st
ense.Youcanfeeli
tint
heair.I
spott
hegirl
sinthefl
oorwithSomil
aandLwandiso

Me:heyguys

Lwandi
soj
umpsupandwr
apshi
sar
msar
oundme

Lwandi
so:heymommy
Me:heybi
gboy.Wher
ear
ethegr
andpar
ent
s?
Somi
la:i
ntheot
herl
ounge.Theyar
ewai
ti
ngf
oryou
guysanyway

IwonderwhatsgoingonbutIcan'tevengetaway
becauseThandohasspottedmeandi salr
eady
pouti
ngandwantingtocry.Ipi
ckherup,kissher
l
it
tlehandsandshesmilesabit.Idon'
twanttotake
hertothel
oungebutIalsodon'twanthermakinga
noise

Me:shei
ssuchapr
obl
em
Somil
a:andhassomuchat
ti
tude.Shei
sher
fat
her
'sdaught
er

Ifeelasharppai
ninmychestwhenshesayst hat.I
gi
veThandobackt oheraunt,shecr
iesobvi
ousl
y
butIwalkaway.IntheloungeIfi
ndSambulo'
s
parentsandhisf
ather'
stwin

Me:Sani
bona
Theygr eetbackandIsi
tdown.It
sevenmor et
ense
i
nt hi
sl i
tt
leroom.Sabel
owalksinaswellandsits
nexttome.I '
m star
ti
ngtogett
heimpressionthat
theyallknowwhywear ehereandI'
mj usttheonl
y
oneleftinthedark

Qhawe:Si
mli
ndi
leI
'
m Sambul
o'sot
herf
ather

Inod.Thi
sisthefi
rstt
imeweof
fi
cial
lymeetbutI
'
ve
heardal
labouthi
m

Qhawe:thereasonwe'vecal
ledyouher
etodayist
o
t
alkaboutSambulo.LoyisoandIhavemanagedto
fi
ndhim
Me:youf
oundhi
m?

I
'
m abitshockedmor
ethananythi
ngbecausei
f
t
heyf
oundhi m,whyi
sn'
thehere?Qhawenodsthen
shif
tshisgazetoSabel
owhohashadhi shead
l
ower edsi
ncehewalkedin.Af
terawhil
ehelooksat
histwinbr
otherwhonodsandtakesover

Loyi
so:i
thasrecent
lycometomyattent
iont
hat
youwerenotmadawar eofSambul
o'scondi
ti
on

Ifr
own.asf
arasiknow,
Sambul
odoesn'
thavea
condi
ti
on

Loyi
so:Sambul
owasdi
agnosedwithdepr
essi
on
whenhewas16andsexualaddi
cti
onwhenhewas
18
Me:Idon'tunder
stand.Sambul
oisn'
tsexual
ly
addi
cted.Hedoesn'thavedepr
essi
on

Sabel
o'sheadl
if
ts.Hehastear
sinhi
seyes.Thi
s
can'
tbehappeni
ng.Sabel
oandcryi
ng?Never
Sabel
o:hehashadi tundercont r
oloverthepast2
andahalfyears.Havi
ngyoui nhisli
fehashel
ped
witht
hedepressionandasf ort
hesexualaddict
ion,
aft
ervar
sityheseekedhel p.Hedeal swi
ththi
ngs
dif
fer
ent
ly.Hesweepst hingsundert hecar
pet,
keepshi
semot ionsbot
tledupunt ilheexpl
odes
Gugu:andhehasexpl
oded.hehasr
elapsed

Thisinformati
ont hat
'sbei
ngthrownmywaykeeps
confusingmemor eandmor eeveryti
mesomeone
openst hei
rmout h.I'
vebeenwit
ht hi
sguyf ortwo
years,Iwouldhaveseent hesi
gns.Yeshedoesn' t
takereject
ionwell,heshutsmeoutifIthr
eat ento
l
eavebutt hatdoesn'tmeanhehasdepr ession.
Sambul oisahappysoul ,i
fanyt
hingSabeloi sthe
onet hatmighthavedepressi
on

Me:Isti
lldon'
tunder
stand.Wher
eishe?Maybehe
canexplai
ntomewhat 'sgoi
ngonbecauseyou
guysarenotmakingsense
Qhawe:Sambul
oisi
nCapeTownwi
thhi
smot
her
.
Heisgett
ingthehelpthatheneedsbutyouneedto
under
standthatalotofdamagecanhappeni na
month.Atthemomenthei sn'
ttheSambulothatyou
know
Me:Idon'
tcar
e.Ij
ustwantt
oseehi
m

Theylookateachotherbutnoonesaysanyt
hing.
Maybeseeinghim andtal
kingt
ohim wil
lmake
thi
ngsclear
erformebecauserightnow,I
'
mlost

Sabel
o:hedoesn'
twantt
oseeus.Meandyou
Gugu:youguysneedt ounderstandthatwhat ever
madehimr el
apseisn'tsomethi
ngmi norandhe
i
sn'tgoi
ngtogetbetterover
night.Hefeel
sasi fhe
di
sappoint
edthebothofyouandt hat'
swhyhe
doesn'
twantyoutoseehi m whileheissti
lll
iket hi
s
Me:andwhatabouthi
sdaught
ers?Theyneedt
hei
r
f
ather
.Ineedt
heirf
ather

Thet
ear
sar
eal
readyst
reami
ngdownmycheeks.I
wanttobeangr yathim.Howdar eherunaway
fr
om us?Howdar eherhidehi smentali
ll
nessfrom
me?Hepr omi sedmet hatwewoul dn'
thavesecrets
andyethehi dthebiggestonef r
om me.Sabelogets
upafteralongwhileofsilence.Helooksatmeand
IknowThatl ookallt
oowel l.I
t'
sthesamel ookhe
hadafterheandThandil ostthebaby.Hehas
snapped

Sabelo:t
hisisyourf aul
tSiml i
ndile.Iwar nedyou
aboutthi
s.Itoldyout hathedoesn' ttaker ej
ection
well,
youpushedhi m awayandl ookwher ethathas
l
edus.Justbecauseyouwoul dn'tl
etgooft hat
stupi
dhusbandofyour s?Wel lIkill
edhi m.You
wantedthetruthright?Ikil
ledhim andI '
ddoi t
againbecausemybr otherlovesyoubutyouwer e
toostupi
dtot hi
nkf oryourself.Callthecopsi fyou
wantto,Idon'tgi
veashi tbutIwantyout oknow
thatIwil
lneverforgiveyoui fmybr ot herdoesn't
comebackf rom this.Markmywor ds.
ICANSAVEMYSELF
*
47*
<Sambul
o>
Ididn'tsl eepwi tht hosegi rl
sbutapar tofme
want edt o.Iwasf eelingover whel medandasi fI
'm
suffocat ing.Ij ustneededt ocomeupf orai rsoI
kickedt hem outar ound2am, tookashowerandhi t
thecl ubs.Att hef i
rstcl ubIwentt o,Imett wogi rl
s
thatIf uckedi nt hebat hr ooms.Icoul df eeltheol d
mecomi ngbackandIwasget ti
ngintriguedand
excitedbyi t.IknewIhadl ostSi mi ,
notj ustasmy
girl
fri
endbutal soast heper sonshel oves.I 'vebeen
hitwitht her ealitythatIcoul dneverbegood
enoughf orher ,shewi llalwaysl oveNgcobomor e
thanshel ovesme.Thef actthatshest il
lref er
sto
him asherhusbandgoest oshowhowmuchofa
nonf act orIam i nherl i
fe.Aftermyni ghtatt heclub,
Isleptf or18hr sst r
aightandevenwhenIwokeup, I
stayedi nbed.Idi dn'tseeaneedt ogetup,
ngizovukangenzenivel e?Ihaven' tswi tchedmy
phoneonsi nceIgother ewhichwas3daysago.On
the5t hdayIdeci dedt ost opf eeli
ngsor ryfor
mysel fandgol ivemybestl i
fe.Ishower ed,wor eink
replayjeans, awhiteg-st
artshi
rtandanavy
bomberj acketwithblacksneakers.thethingwit
h
capet owni sthatithasfuckedupweat herbutit
s
wildandf r
ee.JustwhatIneededatt hemoment .I
droveoutt oV&A, hadalatebreakfastslashearl
y
l
uncht henwal kedaroundaimlessly.

"
Sambul
o"

Iwasshockedmor ethananythingbecauseI
fi
guredcapetownwast heperfecthideawayplace.I
tur
nedaroundandmyeyesl andedonKendr a.
Kendraismysi st
er,wellsor
tof .SheisSne'schil
d
wit
hsomeAmer i
canmanshedat ed.We'venever
beenclosebuttheladyshewaswi thsuredi
dmake
mysexor ganal i
tt
lehard.

Me:hey
Kendr
a:howar
eyou?
Shewentinf orahugandIr eturnedit,nottaki
ng
myeyesof ftheot
herlady'
st highs.Shei swearinga
blackvel
vetjumpsui
tandr edheel s.Herskinlook
softandyell
ow.Iwanther.Ican' tevenhideit

Kendr
a:whatar
eyoudoi
ngher
e?Doesmom know
youar
ethi
sside?
Me:l
etsnotber
ude,
int
roducemet
oyourf
ri
end
Kendra:ohmybad.t
hisi
sMi
hlal
i,
Mimit
hisi
smy
brot
herSambul
o

Iwenti nforahug,pr
essi
ngmyselfhardagainsther
.
Shegaspedsof tl
yaft
ershefel
tmyer ect
ionIthi
nk.I
plantedasoftki
ssonherneckwithoutmysister
seeingthenpull
edoutofthehug

Me:sowhatar
eyougi
rl
supt
o?
Mi
hlal
i:shoppi
ngandl
unch.Wear eact
ual
ly
meeti
ngupwi t
hourot
herfr
iends
Me:andwhatar
eyoudoi
ngl
ater
?
Kendr
a:nopl
ansyet
.Why?
Me:givemeacal
lwhenyouar
edonewi
th
ever
ythi
ng.

Thewhol eti
meIspoke, myeyeswer eonMihl
ali
.
thi
sgirl
'
sbodyi sexactl
ywhatI '
mlooki
ngfor,
I'
m
alr
eadyimaginingal
lthethingsI'
m goi
ngt
odot o
her.i
talwaysmakesmel aughhowIbecome
SabelowhenI '
m atmylowestandhowhebecomes
mewhenhei sgoingthroughthemostaswell

Kendr
a:samenumber
?

Ir
ememberthatmyphoneisof
fandI'm pl
anni
ng
onkeepi
ngi
toffforasl
ongasI
'm st
il
lhere

Me:cal
lSbanisenkanyezihot
el,
that
'swher
eI'
m
st
ayi
ng
Kendr
a:okcool
.We'
l
ltal
klat
er
Me:pl
easedon'
ttel
lyourmotherI'
m her
e.I
'
lldeal
wi
thhersomeotherti
me,justnotnow

Ilef
tt hem andwentbackt omyhot elroom.Inever
thoughtasgr ownasiam, I
'dfi
ndmysel fdoingthi s
again.Thel aptopissetupont hebedi nf rontofme,
thelotionisclosebyandI '
m nakedont hebedwi th
aner ectpenis.Icum halfwaythrought hef i
rstvideo
thent akeanap.Thet hi
ngwi t
hsexaddi ct
ionist hat
youwantt ocum allthetime,Ievent hi
nkt hecor rect
termf oritshouldbeor gasm addict
ionbecausei ts
neveraboutt hesex,itsalwaysaboutt heendr esult.
I'
velostcountonhowmanyt imesinadayI 've
mast urbatedsinceIgother e.
WhenIwakeup, i
tsaround4pm andI'
m hungr ysoI
callroom ser
vicebeforehoppi
ngintheshower .I
ruboneoutbef oregetti
ngouttheshowert henchi
ll
wi t
hjustatowelaroundmywai st.I
'm notagym
freakbutplayi
ngal lt
hosesport
sbacki nthedaydid
helpbecauseIhavet heabsandal eanbody.My
f
oodisbroughtByaguy.Whatabummer
.It
iphi
m
t
henheleaves.
I'
vetriedmybestnott othinkaboutSimli
ndilewhil
e
I'
m her ebutsheownsmyhear tandwithever y
screwupIaddt otheoneIl ef
tinDurban,theguil
t
keepseat i
ngatme.Ikeephavi ngt or
emi ndmyself
thatshedoesn' twantme.Shehat esmesomuch
thatshecoul dn'tevenheremeout .2yearsintoour
rel
ati
onshi p,
2chi ldrenl
aterandI'
m stil
lleasi
ngher
heart.Whatani diotIam.
WhenKendr a'
scallcomest hrough,Igetexci
ted
again.Sheinvit
esmet oMi hlali
'
sf l
atwheretheyare
dri
nkingandhavi ngabraai.Theirotherfr
iendsare
al
sot here,
wear i
ngclosetonot hingandIswearI've
di
edandgonet oheaven.

Kendr
a:that'
sNosi
,AkhonaandLebo.Guyst
hisi
s
mybrotherSambul
o

I
twasachil
ledsetup,
Ihadwi newit
hthegir
lsand
t
heconver
sati
onwaslightandfun.Kendr
apassed
outbeforeever yoneandwasmovedt ooneoft he
bedrooms.Idon' tremembermuchofwhat
happenednextbutIdor ememberLebo'smouth
aroundmydi ckatsomepointandMihlalir
idi
ngmy
face.Thef uckeduppartist
hatIhadnocondoms
butIwast oodrunkandtoohornytocare.Ihadsex
withallfourofthem andwepassedoutnakedon
oneoft hecouches.
ThenextdayIwaswokenupbyal oudvoice
shouti
ngallovert
helounge.Ihadtobli
nkacouple
ofti
mesbef or
eIformedthefigur
ei nf
rontofme.

Me:shi
t

That
'sal
lIcoul
dsayasshecont
inuedshout
ing

Sne:whatareyoutr
yingtohi
de?BoyIgavebi
rt
hto
you,Iknowyoufrom headt
otoe

Ishotadeat
hst
areatKendr
awhi
leIpul
ledmy
br
ief
sup.Lucki
lyt
heywer
enott
oof
arf
rom wher
eI
was

Kendr
a:Ihadt
ocal
lher
.You'
ver
elapsed
Me:andhowt
hef
ucki
sthatanyofyourbusi
ness
Sne:don'tt
alktoyoursi
sterl
i
ket
hat
.Whatt
hehel
l
hasgottenint
oyou?Lookatyour
sel
f
Me:f
uckyoubot
h.Nxa

Ifoundmyjeansandputt
hem onwhi
let
hegi
rl
s
rushedar
oundfindi
ngt
hei
rcl
othes

Sne:i
sthi
showyouwantyourl
if
etobenow?
Me:Snephumaki miplease.Youknownot hi
ng
aboutmyl
ife.not
hing.Sodon'tfuckenannoyme
Sne:I
'
m notgoi ngtol
etyoudest
royyourli
fe
Sambulo.youar emysonandIwouldn'
tforgi
ve
mysel
fifIletyougobacktothat
Il
augh.Snecan'
thel
phersel
fi
shnessanymor
e.i
t
hasbecomeapartofher

Sne:I
'
m cal
li
ngyourf
ather

Ifr
oze.I'
m notaf
rai
dofmyfat
herbutIhat
e
di
sappointi
nghim.Thi
swoul
ddisappoi
nthi
mtoa
pointofnoret
urn

Me:don'
t
Sne:f
ixyour
selfSambul
o.youconquer
edt
hisand
youcandoitagain
Me:Ihavenor
easont
o.
Sne:i
fnotf
oryour
sel
fbutf
oryourdaught
ers

Ir
emember
edthepromisesImadet
omydaught
ers
whent
heywer
eborn.ThatI'
l
lal
waysbet
her
efor
them andt hatIwon' tbecomet hepeoplet hatrai
sed
mebutl ookatmer ightnow.Post erboyf orbroken
promises.Atf irstIdidn'twantt ogot orehabbut
eventuallyIagr eed,providedt hatSnewon' tt
ellmy
famil
yandwi llmakesur et hatSabeloand
Simli
ndi l
edon' tseemel iket hi
s.IstayedinCape
Townf or6mont hsbeforeIwasdi schargedand
fl
ewbackhome.Dur i
ngmyst ay,myr el
ationship
withSnet ookat urnfort hebet t
er.wegott oknow
eachot herandasmuchasI '
m notaboutt ogiveher
themot heroft heyearawar d,Ihaveforgivenher .
Shakaist heonepi ckingmeupf rom theai r
portand
I'
m surpr i
sedtoseehi m wi thSomi l
a

Somi
la:bhut
i

Shewr apsherarmsaroundmeandIsqueezeher
ti
ght
ly.I'
vemissedmybabysist
er.Il
efthome
7monthsago, mydaughter
swer
e2mont hsol
dat
thet
ime
Me:howar
eyou?

It
urnt
oShaka

Me:ugr
andndoda?
Somi l
a:I
'
m good,j
ustr
eall
ymissedyou.Dadtol
dus
thatyouweresi
ckandthat'
swhyyouwer eaway
Shaka:yeah.I
'
m goodbhut
i.Howar
eyouf
eel
ing?
Me:I
'
llbef
ineguys.It
houghtSabel
owoul
dbeher
e

Theybothlookateachot
herandsigh
si
multaneousl
y.Somethi
ngiswrong

Me:guys
Shaka:l
et'
sjustgohome.thepar
ent
swilltel
lyou
ever
ythi
ng.evenwedon't
'knowthedet
ailsofital
l
Somil
a:yeahmom anddadst
il
ltr
eatusl
ike
chi
ldr
en
IknowiftheySayt
heydon'
tknowanyt
hing,
they
real
lydon'
t
ICANSAVEMYSELF
*
48*
<Sabel
o>

Howcanmyl i
fecompl etelyt urnupsidedowni na
spaceof7mont hs?I fIcoul dgobacki nt ime, I'
dgo
backt othedaymybr othermetSi mlindi l
eand
changei tcompl et
ely.I '
venevermetamor esel fish
andungr at
efulpersoni nmyl ifeandt ot hinkwe
wentt hroughsuchgr eatlengt hstosaveherst upid
l
ifeandt hisishowsher epaysme.I '
mi nj ailri
ght
nowbecauseofher .I'
m st il
lawai t
ingtr i
albutt he
factthatIwasdeni edbai lgoest oshowhowmuchI
don'tstandachanceatbei ngacqui t
tedf orthis
bull
shit.Idon'tevencar et hatSambul oi sn'ther e,
yesI'm stil
lverymuchangr yathi mf orr unni ng
awaybuthei smybr otherandnoungr atef ulwoman
couldeverchanget hat .I'vebeenher ef or6mont hs
andasmuchasIhavet hemoneyandt hepowert o
maket hisal lgoaway, Iwantt ost i
cki toutunt il
Sambul oget sback.I '
m hopi nghewi l
lsee
Siml i
ndileforwhatshei sandcutt i
eswi thher .I
havemyownl i
ttl
eVIPr oom atthi splacesol i
feisn't
sot ough.Mydaddoesn' tseem tounder standwhy
I'
m st i
ckingt hi
sthroughbutIj usthavet o.Int he
past6mont hsThandigotpr egnantagai nbutshe
doesn' tknowwhot hefat herofthechi ldisbet ween
OnkeandI .Shehasn' tbeenmuchofavi sitorher e
butf r
om whatI '
veheard, Onkedi dn'tsti
ckar ound
aftershet oldhi mt hebabycoul dbemi ne.My
rel
at i
onshi pwi thherisasgoodasover ,I'
ver eall
y
tri
edandIguessi t
sjustnotmeantt obe.I fthechi l
d
i
smi ne,I'
llsuppor tmychi l
dbutasf ormeandher ,I
don'tthinkt hat'ssomet hingshest il
lwant s.She
l
ovesmebutshedoesn' twantme.Mycousi nwal ks
i
nmycel landIsi tup

Oyandi
sa:guesswhoi
sher
etoseeyou
Me:Idon'
tknowhowt
oguessMzal
a
Hechuckl
es

Hi
m:her
eisahi
nt.Hel
ooksexact
lyl
ikeyou

Il
it
eral
lyj
umpedof
fthebed

Me:t
hatmot
her
fuckeri
sback
Him:yepandheismoreconf
usedt
hanever
.
appar
entl
yhelandedt
wohoursago
Me:br
inghi
min

Hewalksoutandaf terafewminut eshewalksin

wit
hthisi
diotIsharedawombwi t
hhim.youwoul d
thi
nkI'
dbeangr yathim butI
'm not.I'
mjusthappy
heisOK.Weshar eahug.I '
vemi ssedhim

Me:uyi
kakasaan
Hel
aughs

Sambul
o:Iexpect
edt
hatf
rom you.
Oyandisa:l
etmeleaveyouguys.Welcomeback
mzala.Hopeful
lyyoucanconvi
ncethisi
diott
ostop
t
hisfooli
shness

Hewalksoutaf
terpat
ti
ngSambulo'
sshoul
der.I
st
areatmybrot
herforalongt
imewithasmil
eon
myface

Me:yawenasaan
Hi
m:uf
unanil
anabr
uh
Me:ugr
andngoku?

Hesi
ghs,
keepsqui
etf
orawhi
let
hennods
Me:usungumnt
anakaSne?
Him:phumal
apho.St
artt
alki
ng.Whyar
eyoui
n
here?
Me:Si
mli
ndi
lej
oinedfor
ceswi
thNgcobo'
sbr
other
andhadmearr
ested
Hi
m:huh?Whatdoyoumeanj
oinedf
orces?

Il
augh.thi
sidi
othasnoideawhathasbeen
happeni
ngoverthepast7mont
hs

Me:youheardme.Itol
dherIki
ll
edNgcoboandshe
r
antohisbrotherl
esst
han24hrslat
er
Hi
m:wow.Ican'
tbel
ievet
his
Me:shet
ookthegir
lstoo.Apparent
lyourf
ami
ly
i
sn'
tasafeenvi
ronmentforthem
Hi
m:what
?!NomanSabel
osl
owdown

Hesi
tsdownwhi
leIr
emai
nst
andi
ng.Hebet
tert
ake
thi
sinver
yquicklybecauseweneedapl
anof
acti
onasinyesterday

Me:shelef
t,t
ookthegir
lstohermot herandl
eft
t
own.Mamahasbeent ryi
ngtoseet hem f
or
monthsbutSiml
indi
le'
smot herr
efuses
Him:whenareyouget
ti
ngoutofher
e?Weneedt
o
f
indSimli
ndi
le
Me:uphambene.Thisisyourchancetoescapethat
gi
rl
.Shehasbroughtnothingbutdramainyourli
fe
si
ncedayone.Fetchthegirl
sandbedonewi thher

Heopenshi
smout
hbutIqui
ckl
ycuthi
m of
f

Me:don'tf
uckentellmet
hatyouloveher
.She
bet
rayedussof uckwhat
everyouthi
nkyoufeelf
or
her
.Getoverit
Hi
m:youdon'
tgeti
t
Me:don'
tfor
cemet
omakeyouchoosebecauseI
will
.therearetonsofgir
lsi
ntheworld,
oneswi
thno
abusivehusbandsandonest hatdon'
tneed
rescuing.Normalgir
ls

Hedidn'tsayanythingaf tert
hat.Ispentanother
weekint hecell
sbef orethedocket"disappeared"
.
Sambulost i
llHasn'
tf etchedthegirl
sandhonest l
y,I
don'
tknowwhatmor et osaytohim.Whenweget
home,thedadssi tusdown.Myol derbrot
hers
OlwamiandOnami areher easwell

DadQ:doyouguysr
eal
iset
hatt
hewor
ldowesyou
not
hing?

Ikeepqui
et.

Dad:t
hebot
hofyouar
esel
fi
sh.Wena

Hel
ooksatSambul
o
Dad:whatthehellwasthat?Igett
hatyouneeded
ti
meof fbut7monthsisri
dicul
ous.Ti
medoesn' t
standsti
ll
,whatdidyouthi
nkwasgoi ngtohappen?
Yougot oCapetownforafewmont hs,fucka
coupleofgir
lsandblameitonsomedi sorder
?
Mama:Loyi
sodon'
t.Don'
tbr
ingyouri
gnor
ancei
nto
t
his

Dadt
akesapauset
hensi
ghs

Dad:Imightnotunder
standyourdi
sor
der
sbutI
hat
ethattheymakeyouselfi
sh.AndwenaSabel
o

Hei
sevenpoi
nti
ngatme

DadQ:wenauyaphambanast r
aight
.Thereisno
di
sorder
,youarepl
aincrazy.Youhavedr ama
beyondwords.I
'
m si
tti
ngher edisci
pli
ning30year
ol
dmenwhenIshoul
dbei
nmyhouseenj
oyi
ngl
if
e

I
'
m notgoingtosayanythi
ng.Iwi
llnotaddont
o
t
hisal
readyri
dicul
ousconver
sati
on

Mama:Sambul
owhenar
eyouf
etchi
ngt
hegi
rl
s?
Sambulo:angazmama.I'
l
lgoseethem l
atert
oday.
maybeSimlindi
le'
smot
herwil
lknowhowandwher e
Icanf
indher
Me:golooki
ngfort
hatwomanandmeandyouar
e
done.Sheputmeinjai
lSambul
o
Sambul
o:Il
oveherSabel
o.Ineedher
Sabelo:lovei
sastupi
dgamepl ayedbyfool
s.you
don'
tneedt hatwoman,j
ustf
etchthegirl
sandwe
wil
lraisethem t
hesamewaywe' verai
sedLwandi
so

Henoddedandthatwasthat.ThenextdayOlwami
andOnamiaccompaniedustofetchthegir
ls.
Siml
indi
le'
smotherwasn'
thappyaboutitbutatt
he
endoft hedayThandoandKhanyaar eSmi t
h
chil
drenandt heybelongwit
hus.IttookSimlindi
le3
daystobargei nt
omypar entshousedemandi ng
herkids.Il
eftthemomentIhear dhervoice.Ican'
t
standthesightofher.Igeti
nmycar ,rever
seout
theyardwhilediali
ngThandi'
snumber .She
answersafter5rings

Thandi
:hmm
Me:ul
ele?
Her:yeah.Babyhasdr
ainedmyener
gy.I
'
m
exhaustedreal
ly
Me:aski
es.Wantmet
ocomegi
veyouabackr
ub?

Shel aughsandIfindmyselfsmil
ing.Shet urns
downmybackr ubsoIdeci
det ogot oMcDonal d's.
I'
m hungr yanyway.Si
nceI'
mi nnor ush,Iparkand
getinside.I
tspackedandIfindmysel fstanding
behindsomegi rli
nthecue.Sheturnsar ound,
steal
sagl anceatmet hel
ooksaheadagai n.She
doest hisr
epeat
edlyandIj
ustpr
etendnott
osee
her.iplacemyorderthenf
indaseatatt
henear
est
empt ytabl
e

"
Hey"

Il
ookupandi
tst
hesamegi
rlagai
n

Me:sho
Her
:canIt
akeaseat
?

Iindicat
ewit
hmyhandt
hatshecansi
tdown.She
extendsherarm

Her
:Imi
nat
hi

Ishakeherhand
Me:Sabel
o

*
1yearl
ater
*

Thandigavebi rt
htoababyboy8mont hsago.No
DNAt estwasr equired,that'showst rongmygenes
are.Wenamedhi m Ul waziseI yaziSmi th.Hei st he
mostbeaut if
ulboyi nthewor l
dandnowhei st he
mostdr ooli
ngboyi nthewor ld.ThandiandIar eco
parentingandi thasn'tbeeneasybuti tsbeen
effect
ive.Atf i
rstshedi dn'twantI miar oundI yazi
butafterawhi l
eshegotoveri t.I
minat hineh...Wel l
thegirlshothershotandscor ed.Shehasbeen
everythingInevert houghtIneededbutnowI
reali
zeshei swhatmyl if
ehasbeenmi ssing.Shei s
deservingoft hismant hatIam now, theheal ed
manandt hemant hatknowswhati tmeanst ol ove
andbel oved.Shegr aduatedl astyearat23year s
old.I'
m 7year solderthanherbutboydoesshekeep
meonmyt oes.I'
m happyt hough.
Me:MaMnt
ungwawami

I'
m onthephonewithI
miandIcanhearthesmil
ein
hervoi
ce.shestayswi
thherpar
ent
ssinceshe
doesn'
thaveajobyetbutshei
swit
hmeever y
weekend

I
mi:youar
etr
yingt
otur
nmepi
nk?

Ichuckl
e

Me:ngyakt
handanj
e.How'
syourdaygoi
ng?
Her
:itsOK.I
'
vebeenonli
net
hewhol
edayl
ooki
ng
f
orjobsandsendi
ngoutmyCV
Me:somethi
ngwillcomeupbaby.Jongast handwa
sami,
Iwanttofet
chI yazit
hisweekendandspend
ti
mewi t
hhim.Idon'tknowifyouareupforThator
doyouwanttocomet hr
oughnextweekend
Her
:I'
dlovet
obaebutyouknowhowhi
smot
heri
s.
Idon'
twantt
obest
eppi
ngont
oes
ICANSAVEMYSELF
*
49*
<Sl
indi
le>
Itsbeenayearandsevenmont hssi ncet he
anni versaryt hingatmyboyf r
iend'saunt 'shouse
andwowi tsuref eelsli
keal if
et ime.Wear e
engagedsoiguessIshoul drefert ohi m asmy
fi
ancebuthewasmyboyf riendf orsol ong,I'
m
havingt roubl eletti
nggooft het i
tle.Notonl yarewe
engagedbutI '
m pregnant .
..
again.I t'
sf unnyhowl i
fe
wor ksandmyl if
ei squitethecomedyshow.I tt
urns
outt hatdur ingt heanni ver
sar ything, Iwasalready
twomont hspr egnant .Ihadnoi deabutnowt hati
thinkabouti t,i
texpl ai
nsal otwi thregar dstomy
emot i
onsandmyf atigue.Whenwef oundout,
neitheroneofuswashappy.It hinkwebot hjust
expect edhi storyt orepeatitself
.Af tertwo
mi scarriages, wedi dn'thaveitinust obehopef ul

Me:i
ts24weekst
oday
Nt
ando:andyouar
eOK?
Me:physi
call
yyes,emot
ional
lyI
'mi
nshambl
es.
Whatifweloset
hisoneaswell?
Hi
m:6mont
hsi
slongert
hanwecamewi
tht
he
ot
hert
wo
Me:don'
tgett
ooat
tachedLal
a,westi
llhave3
monthst
ogoandalotcanhappenin3mont hs

Hesi ghedt henslowlyr emovedhi shandf r

om
alr
eadyhugebel ly.Hewassl owlygetti
ngexci ted
aboutt his,Iontheot herhandam t r
yingt ostayas
detachedaspossi bl
e.Hi sli
tt
lekicksmakei talmost
i
mpossi blebutI'
mt rying.Wef oundoutt hesexon
ourlastappoi ntmentandt hat'swhenIr ealizedhow
muchOyi nt
andowant sthi
s.3mont hsl aterIgave
birt
ht oaheal thybabyboywi th10toesand12
fi
nger s.yephehadext rapinkiesbuttheywer e
removedbef orewel eftthehospital
.That '
swhenI
reali
zedhowspeci almysonwas.Myr ainbowbaby
andwhatagor geouschocol atebabyhei s.His
father'
sphot ocopy.
Nt
ando:mom namedhi
m Cebol
ikaJesu
Me:Ihat
eit

Helaughs.heknowsI'
m notjoki
ng.I
'
m greatf
ulto
GodformysonbutI'm notnamingmysonaf tera
Drakesong.God'
splanmightaswellbeJesus's
pl
ant oo

Him:whatdoyouwantt onamehi
m?Canyou
act
uall
ybeli
evethatheisher
e?wehaveachi
ldl
ala.
ourchi
ld.af
tersolong

Ismil
e.Hecan'
tevenhidehisexcit
ement
.Hei
s
happyandthat
'sal
lIeverwantforhim

Me:hel
ooksl
ikeyou
Him:Hadebegenespl
usyoucl
oseyoureyesdur
ing
sex,
Idon'
t
Me:pleasedon'
tst
artwi
thyourt
heor
ies.Yourson
needsaname
Hi
m:LonwaboXhant
iHadebe

Ili
kethem.especial
lyXhanti.ithasast rong
meaningandper f
ectlydescribesourt i
nyhuman.
Thatwasayearago.TodayXhant ii
st urni
ngone
andI'm pr
egnantagain.WhenIt ol
dNt andothatI
'
m
pregnantagai
n,hepoppedt hequest ion
i
mmedi atel
yandIsai dyes.Ihonest l
yhadno
reasontosayno.
ForthepastyearI'
vebeenal laboutmysonandhi s
fat
her.I'
vebeenselfi
shwithmysel fwhichexplai
ns
thegapinmyr elat
ionshi
pwi thmysi st
er.Sheis
heretodayforhernephew'sbirthdaywithher
daughters,
whoar e21mont hsol dnowandt he
cutestt
hings

Simi
:Ican'
tbel
ieveXhant
iisoneal
ready.Wher
edi
d
thet
imego?
Ist
areatmymiracl
ewhoisbeingt
ossedi
ntheai
r
byhisuncl
e.Heseemsl
ikesuchahappybaby

Me:Iknowr i
ght.andsoonthisonewillbeher
eand
I
'l
lnevergetmyl i
feback.It
hinkNtandowantsme
t
okeeppoppi ngbabies
Her:hel
ovesyout
houghandhehasal
waysbeen
honestwi
thyou

Icanal
readyt
ellwher
ethi
sisgoi
ng

Me:haveyouguyst
alkedsi
ncehecameback?

Sheshakesherhead

Her:heaskedi
fIreal
lygothi
sbrotherar
rest
edand
whenIsaidyes,hesai
dwear edone.Hewouldn'
t
l
etmeexpl
ain.
Me:it
sbeenayearSi
mli
ndil
e.youguysl
oveeach
ot
her,youhavet
otal
kaboutt
hisandmoveon.You
werebothwrong
Her:I
'
vetr
iedr
eachi
ngouttohim.Hedoesn'
teven
comecoll
ectt
hegir
ls,
hesendsShaka.Hedoesn'
t
wanttobeint
hesamer oom asI
.

Shepausesf orafewmi nut

esthenquickl
ywipes
thetearsthathavef or
medinhereyes.I'
mt empted
tointer
venebutt rut
hbet ol
dIhavemyownshi t
goingont hatrequir
esmet obeful
lyfocusedonit.
forexampl e,
tryi
ngtokeepKuhlefrom droppi
ngmy
son

Her:IguessIshoul
djustacceptthatt
hisi
sItf
orus.
I
'vegonebackt oworking,
itsnott
hesameschoolI
wasatbutt hepayi
st hesame
Me:t
hat'
sgood.Thisr
elyi
ngonamancr
api
snot
howourmotherr
aisedus
Shelaughs.Therestoft
hedaygoeswell
,Xhanti
hasbeenenjoyi
ngt heat
tent
ionbutnowheisti
red
andfussy

Nt
ando:hewant
syou
Me:hedi
dn'
tsayt
hat

Theylooksomuchal i
keyou'dswearNt andodenied
hisson.Itakemygrumpyli
ttl
emani nt
othehouse
tobathhim.Myheartcomest oast andsti
llwhen
myeyesl andonSambulo,Sabeloandt wo
gorgeouswomen.Thekids'part
yi soverandnow
theadult
sar egoi
ngtohaveachillsessi
on

Sabel
o:mf
azikaMf
owet
hu
Me:gwanwena

Hel
aughs.Thi
sisgoi
ngt
obesoawkwar
dwi
thSi
mi
her
e.Kuhl
ewal
ksi
n,gr
eet
shi
scousi
nst
hent
akes
hi
snephew

Me:bat
hhi
m bef
oreput
ti
nghi
mtobedpl
ease
Kuhl
e:hei
sal
readysl
eepi
ng
Me:bat
hhi
m whi
lehesl
eepst
henbutheneedsa
bat
h

Aft
erhewalksupt
hestai
rs,
Itur
nmyf
ocusbackon
t
hetroubl
esomeSmit
htwins

Me:wher
ear
emychi
ld'
sgi
ft
s
Sambulo:ayezadon'
twor
ry.How'
sthebaki
ng
pri
ncess?
Me:shei
sshowi
ngmef
lames
Sabel
o:l
ikemot
herl
ikedaught
er
Me:yaziuzof
awena.Anywaydon'
tber
ude
Thebothchuckl
eslyly.Iunder
standwhywomen
fal
lfort
hem soeasi
ly.theyaresneaky

Sabel
o:thi
sisumntuwam uI
mi.Babyt
hisi
sSl
i,
umfazikaMfwet
hu

Ishowhimthemi
ddl
efi
ngerandhel
aughsl
iket
he
i
diott
hatheis

Sambulo:st
opfi
ght
ingi
tbecauseitwil
lgetworse
onceyouguysaremarr
ied.Anywaythi
sisAnit
a
Me:j
ustAni
ta?
Sambul
o:shei
swi
thme
Me:hmmm isee.ni
cetomeetyouguys.Ever
yone
el
seisatt
heback.Ij
ustneedt
ofreshenup

Theyheadoutthedoorwhi
leImakemywaytomy
bedroom.Iundr
essthenr
unmyselfabat
h.Myfeet
areswoll
enandmybackisdoingthemost
.Thi
s
pregnancyisonef
orthebooksshame.Angisaf
uni.
Ntandowal ksi
nwhil
eI'
m st
il
lwalki
ngaroundthe
room naked.Hest
aresatmeseducti
vel
yandI
quickl
yshakemyhead

Me:Hadebeno
Nt
ando:I
'
llbequi
ck
Me:youar
eneverqui
ckl
alaandwehaveguest
s

Heisnowst andingi
nfrontofme,st
aringatme
wit
hpleadingeyes.Hetakesmyhandandpl acesi
t
onhiserecti
on.Iqui
ckl
yswal l
owspitasIfeel
myselfgett
ingmoist

Me:10mi
nsHadebe

I
'm al
readyunbutt
oni
nghisjeansandhi
sli
psar
eon
myneck, l
icki
ngandsucki
ng
Hi
m:15baby

Afterour30minqui
cki
e,wet akeabat ht
ogether.I
di
dsayhecan' tbequi
ck.Iputonaf lowi
ngmaxi
dressandsli
pperst
henleavehimi ntheroom.
Wheniwal kint
otheki
tchen,Iwalkinonaheat ed
argumentbetweenmysisterandherex.Igeta
bottl
eofwaterandasIwalkout ,
Sambul ost
opsme

Sambul
o:yoursi
stersaysI'm notwel
comeher
eso
Ani
taandIaregoi
ngt oleave

IlookatSi
ml i
ndil
eandshedoesn'tsayanyt
hing.
thesetworeall
yneedtosortoutt
heircr
apwithout
draggi
ngtherestofusinit

Me:Oyi
ntandowant
stot
alkt
oyouguys.Letme
t
akeyoutohisst
udy
Sambul
o:nahitscool
.Icameher
ewit
hsomeone
andI
'm al
readybei
ngrudebybei
ngi
nthi
ski
tchen
wast
ingmyt
ime
Me:I
'
llt
akecar
eofAni
ta.Justgothearwhat
Nt
andohastosay

Heagr
eesandItaket
hem t
othestudy.Isecr
etl
y
r
emovethekeyf
rom t
hedooraf
terthey'
vewalked
i
n

Me:ineedyout oli
stent
ome.Thebot hofyou.You
needtositdownandt al
k.Alothadhappenedint
he
past19mont hsandyouneedt otal
kaboutit
.
Whetheryout al
k,f
uckorscream,Idon'
tcar
ebut
youwon'tleavethi
sroom unti
lyou'
vetal
ked
Sambul
o:ist
hissomeki
ndofj
oke?Idon'
thave
ti
mefort
his
Me:wel
ltough

Ipul
lthedoorshutt
henlockthem i
n.Iplacethekey
i
nmybr athengooutthehousetojointheothers.
Thandihasal
soarri
vedtoget
herwithUsithandi
le
andhernewmanandt hewhit
egirlandherman.I
sti
llgetsur
pri
sedwhenIseet
hesetwonow, t
hey
havemat ur
ed

Jess:f
eel
sweirdseei
ngyouwi
thoutaSavannah
dumpyinyourhand

Ichuckl
e.imi
ssmyghet
todr
ink

Me:I
'
llmakeacomebacksoon
Usi
:I'
l
lbepr
ayi
ngf
oryoui
nthemeant
ime
ICANSAVEMYSELF
*
50*
<Si
mli
ndi
le>
Iwatchhim ashepacesupanddownt hesmal l
room,heisf uri
ousandit
sclearasdayl i
ghtthathe
doesn'
twantt obehereespecial
lywit
hme.Thi sis
thenecessaryevilt
hatweneed,Slii
sright.Wehave
total
kthisthrough.Wecan'
tgoonl i
ket hi
sforever
.
Hecal msdownevent uall
yandsit
sdownbuthe
doesn'tl
ookmyway.Thatdoesn' tst
opmef r
om
star
ri
ngathi m.Imisshi m.Hehasn'
tchanged
physical
lybutemotionall
y,i
tsasi
fhenol ongerhas
thesameper sonal
it
yt hathehadwhenwemet

Me:saysomet
hing

Hei
gnor
esme

Me:Sambul
o
Hi
m:yi
ni?

Hei
ssti
llnotl
ooki
ngmywayandj
udgi
ngbythe
r
oarhej
ustmade,wear
egoi
ngtobeheref
ora
whi
le

Me:canwet
alk?
Him:nobutcl
earl
yIdon'
thaveachoi
cebutt
o
l
ist
entoyou.Iam st
ucki
nherewit
hyouaft
eral
l

Isigh.Somet hi
ngtel
lsmethatI
'l
lwal
koutofthi
s
room abr okenper
son.Thedamagetoour
rel
ationshipist
oomuchandi twon'
tbef
ixed
overnight

Me:I
'
m sor
ryIgotyourbr
otherar
rest
ed

Hedoesn'
tsayanyt
hingbutIgoon

Me:Iwashur tandconfused.Noonewoul dgi

veme
theanswersIneededandyouj ustupandleft
.Iwas
hopingSabelowouldtal
kafterhewasarrest
edbut
hedidn'
t.iwasgoingcrazytryi
ngtofi
gur
eoutwhat
real
lyhappenedtoSandil
e

Agai
nther
ewasnor
eact
ionf
rom hi
m.Idon'
tknow
whatmorehewant
sfr
om me.Al
lIcandoi
s
apol
ogi
ze

Me:pl
easesaysomet
hing

Hegetsup,shoveshishandsinhi
schinoshor
ts
thenst
art
schewingont heinsi
deofhi
scheekwhil
e
star
ri
ngatme.Ican'treadt
helookinhi
seyebutit
s
notacomfort
ableone

Hi
m:whatwecantalkabouti
showwewi llr
aiset
he
gi
rl
s.It
hinkt
hat
'st
heonlyrel
evantt
hingatt
he
moment
Me:whataboutus?Sambul
oIl
oveyou

Hechuckl
es

Hi
m:what
everMr
sNgcobo
I
tst
hewordsandthewayinwhichheut ter
sthem
t
hatmakesmywholebodygocol d.Foraslongas
I
'
veknownhim,hehasnevercal
ledmeMr sNgcobo.

Me:pl
easedon'
tdot
hat
Him:dowhat ?Cal lyoubyyourt i
tl
eandsur name?
Angithit
hereasont hiswholefightstar
tedis
becauseyout hinkIkill
edyourhusband.That '
s
whatyousai dright?Youcalledhim yourhusband.
Twoyear sinar el
ationshipwit
hmekant iyouknow
thatyourheartsti
llbelongstoanotherman
Me:myhear
tbel
ongst
oyou.i
twasj
ustasl
ipoft
he
t
ongue

Heshakeshi
shead,
cut
ti
ngmeof
fimmedi
atel
y

Him:itwasn'
tthefi
rstt
imeandi
fyourheart
bel
ongstomet hewayyousayi
tdoesthenyou
wouldn'
thavebeenmadoverthi
s.youwouldhave
beengr at
efulandyouwouldn'
thavecal
ledhim your
husbandbutyouwoul dhavecall
edhimt he
monst erthathewas.Healmostki
ll
edyouordoes
thefactthatheisdead,
eraseal
lofthat
?

Ihavenowords.Ican'
tfighthim onthetrut
hheis
utt
eri
ngbecausethat'
swhati ti
s,thetr
uth.MaybeI
havebeenungrat
efulbutineededanswer s

Me:soyoudi
dki
llhi
m?
Hi
m:no

Hewaslookingst
rai
ghtint
omyeyeswithout
showi
nganyemot i
ons.I
'dbel
yingi
fIsaidhe
wasn'
tscar
ingmer i
ghtnow

Hi
m:Ihi
redsomeonet
odoi
t.
Me:why?
Hi
m:becausei
twasei
therhi
m oryou.Ther
ewas
noinbetween.Ididn'
tgethi
m kil
ledt
ogetbrownie
poi
ntswithyou,Ididi
ttoprot
ectyoubecauseyou
wouldhavegonebackt ohim andgetyour
selfki
ll
ed
i
ntheprocess

Itookt hati
nslowly.maybe,j
ustmaybeI'venever
reali
zedt hemagnitudeofSambulo'
sloveforme.To
got hroughsuchlengthsforsomeonerequir
esa
realtypeoflove

Me:I
'
m sor
ryIdi
dn'
tletyouexpl
ain
Hi
m:I'
veheardthi
sapol
ogybef
ore.Thi
sti
me
ar
oundI'
m noti
nter
est
ed
Me:Sambul
o

Myvoicecomesoutasawhisper
.I'
m shockedand
hur
t.Iwon'
tevenbot
herhi
dingi
t.

Hi
m:l
ookmaybewewer
ejustnevermeantt
obe.
Let
'snotfor
cemat t
ers.Il
ovedyouandyouwere
j
ustnotready.Iwastoobli
ndtoreal
izet
hatmyl
ove
waswastedonyou

Thefi
rstt
earrol
lsdownmycheekandsoonaf
ter
anot
heronefoll
ows.

Me:youdi
sappear
edf
or7mont
hs
Him:itwasnecessary.Ever
ythi
ngthathappened
Duri
ngmyt i
meawayi spartofther
easonwhywe' l
l
neverworkoutagain
Me:youl
eftmewi
thnewbor
ns
Hi
m:itsnotli
keyouwant edmeher e.It
ri
edtot
alk
t
oyouandexpl ai
nbutyousawt hatitwasmuch
moreimport
anttolayinbedcuddledupwi t
hmy
mother
,cr
yingoverincomplet
einformati
on.
Me:Iwasdeal
ingwi
thi
t

Hei
sget
ti
ngangr
yagai
n.Hei
spaci
ngupanddown
wi
thhi
shandsst
il
linhi
spockets.Thevei
nsont
he
si
deofhi
sheadhavepoppedout

Him:dealingwithwhatexact l
y?Youdi dn'
thaveal l
theinfor
mat i
onyetyouwer ealreadydealing.Ilef
t
becauseIneededt ocl earmyheadandgetoveryou.
Howdoyout hinkitfeelstoknowt hatmygi rlf
ri
end
of2yearsstil
lconsidersher sel
fmar r
ied?AllIheard
from youthatdaywas" myhusbandt his,
my
husbandt hat
"soI '
m settingyouf r
eet ogri
eveyour
husbandpr operl
y.ClearlyInevergaveyout hat
opportuni
ty

Myf aceisnowwetf rom al

lthetear
sthathaven't
stoppedstr
eami ngdownmycheeks, myli
psar e
quiver
ingandI'veeventuckedthebottom one
betweenmyt eeth

Me:pl
easedon'
tdot
his
Hi
m:Ihadsexwi
thover20womeni
ntwoweeks
whil
eIwasincapet own.Thel astthreeIf
ucked
wit
houtpr
otect
ion.Iwastreatedf oranSTDandi ts
bysomemi r
acl
et hatIdi
dn'tcontractHIV.Ican'
t
comebacktoyouwi thal
lofthat .

HetakesalongpausewhileItakei
nallofthi
s.I
tsa
l
otbutit
sfi
ne.Ijustwanthi
m back.wewi l
lwork
t
hrougheveryt
hingel
setogether

Him:IloveyouSi mli
ndi l
e,Idon'tt
hinkthereare
enoughwor dsinthedi cti
onarytohelpmeexpr ess
myl oveforyou.I'
venevershi edawayf rom
showingyoumyhear t.You'vebeent hemi ssi
ng
partofmyl i
fethatIsearchedf orforaverylong
ti
mebutaf aul
tyenginei suselesstoacareveni fa
carismissingtheengine.Ther ewasal otofheal i
ng
youneededt odoaf t
eryourhusbanddi edandyou
nevergotaroundt oi
tbecauseourr elat
ionshi
p
becameyouroxygen.

Ishakemyheadandal
sor
iset
omyf
eet
.I'
m not
gi
vingupthateasi
lyonus.hei
smyhappi
lyever
af
ter.hej
usthastobe

Me:I
'
m heal
ed
Him:youar enotanddeepdownyouknowi ttoo.
Wegott ooconsumedbyourr el
ati
onshipthatwe
for
gotthatwewer ebroken.wemi stookthe
temporaryhappinessforthebandagethatcovered
ourpastsbutnowt hatthebandagei sof
f,t
he
woundsar eopenandi nfect
ed.
Me:Il
oveyouSambul
o

Hewalkst
owardsme, t
ri
estowipemyt ear
swith
hist
humbsbutfai
lsbecauset
heyjustwon'tst
op
coming

Him:i
fyoulovemethenyou'
lldothi
sformeandI 'l
l
al
soworkonmyselfbecauseIloveyou.WhatIdid
i
ncapetownwasn'tmyproudestmomentandi ts
somet
hingIdon'
teverwanttofi
ndmyselfinever
agai
n.I
fit
'sr
eal l
ymeantt obethenwe'
l
lfi
ndour
waybackbutifitsnottheni
tsOK.Wecanfocuson
bei
nggoodpar entstoourdaughter
s

Heplacesal ongkissonmyf oreheadwhi

lemy
eyesshut.afterawhileIfeel
wet nessonmyface
thenhepullsback.Hei scryi
ng.Myar msgoaround
hiswaistandIhol dhimtight
ly.Hisownarmsgo
aroundmybodyandhehugsmeback.Whenwe
arecomposed, ItextSl
itocomeopenup

Me:soAni
ta?
Hi
m:don'
tdot
hisSi
mli
ndi
le
Me:Ij
ustwantt
oknow.I
sitser
ious?I
sshegoi
ng
t
obearoundthegi
rl
s?
Hi
m:noandno.I
'
m notevenf
ucki
ngher
.Shei
s
I
mi'
scousi
n
Me:oh
Mysist
ereventual
lyopensthedoorandSambul
o
wal
ksoutwhileIstaysit
ti
ngdown

Sl
i:ar
eyouok?

Ishrugmyshoul ders.Shejoi
nsmeont hecouch
andpul l
smei nforahug.Istartcr
yingal
lover
again.IthurtsbecauseIlovehim somuchandt hi
s
i
snothowourst oryissupposedtogo.Ineversaw
thi
scomi ng,becauseofthelovewehaveforeach
other,Ithoughtwecanmakei tthr
oughanythi
ng

Me:i
tsover
Her
:of
fi
cial
ly?

Inod

Her:I
'm sorr
y.it
snotyourfaul
t.don'
tlethim make
youfeelli
keitsyourf
aul
t.heplayedapar ti
nthis
Me:i
thurt
ssomuch.myhear
tfeelsli
kei
tsl
it
eral
ly
br
eaki
ng.whatam goi
ngt
odowithouthi
m?
Her:itsgoingtohurtf
orawhi l
ebutyouwi l
lPick
yourselfupandwal kt
hroughlif
eagain.Your
str
engt hcanneverbevestedinaman.Amancan
neverbeawoman' sequalwhenhisveryexistence
i
st hroughbirthbyawoman.Yourdaught ersneed
youtot eachthem t
hatbutfi
rstyouneedtor emind
yourselfofthat
ICANSAVEMYSELF
*
51*
<Sambul
o>
Itsbeenalmost5year ssinceImetandf el
li nl
ove
wi t
hSimlindil
eandneveroncei nmyl i
fehaveIhad
suchar oll
ercoaster.I'
vehadmybestshar eof
l
aughswi t
hherandt hinkingbackt o3mont hsago
whenIwasl ockedint hest udywi thher,I'
vealso
hadmyf airshareofpai nwi thher.Iknowf orafact
thatI'
l
lneverl oveanotherwomant hesamewayI
l
oveherandnowomanwi llbeabl etofi
llthegap
shehasl eftinmyhear t.Simlindil
ewasmy
soulmat
eandhonest
lyIbel
ieveweonl
ygetoneof
those
It
st hegi r
l'
s2ndbirt
hdayt odayandwear ehost
ing
af amilylunchandmi nipart
yatmyhouse.We
didn'twantapar t
yplannersowe' vebeendoi
ng
everythingoursel
ves.It
sbeenqui tet
hebonding
session

Me:i
syoursi
stercomi
ng?
Si
mi:Idoubtit
.Shejustgavebi
rt
haweekagoand
i
twasac- sect
ion.
Me:Nt
andoi
sbr
ingi
ngXhant
ithough?
Her:t
hatonedoesn'tl
eavemysister
'ssi
desohe
sai
dKuhl ewil
lbri
ngXhanti
.Sl
isaysallNt
ando
doesisstareatYonel
aandcomplainabouther
bei
nglightski
nned

Wel augh.Oyint
andoisgoingtogocrazyoverthat
chil
dbutt henagainbei
ngaf at
hertoadaughteris
thebestthingintheworl
d.Daughter
sareprecious
l
ittl
ediamonds.Mybr otherwasthefi
rsttoarr
ive
withtheboys.Lwandisoisinhighschoolnowand
Iyazjuststar
tedwalki
ngaf ewweeksago.They
bothrunt oSimli
ndil
ewhilemyhalfwalkstowards
me.compl etel
yignori
ngSimli
ndil
e.I'
vegivenupon
askinghimt ohearherout

Sabel
o:i
tssopi
nki
nher
e
Me:itsabir
thdaypar
tyf
orpr
incesses,
whatdi
dyou
expectdumbass
Him:f
okof.kusel
want oniapha?Anddon'
tgi
veme
dashwit
hnoal cohol

Ipoi
nthimt othedir
ecti
onofthealcoholandhe
wastesnot i
me.Somi l
aisupstai
rshelpi
ngt hegi
rl
s
getready,I
'm sur
etheyarefi
ghti
ngl i
kecrazy.My
daughtershavequit
ethespecialbondwiththei
r
aunt.

Kuhl
e:al
readydr
inki
ng?Yesesul
inxi
labr
uh
Sabel
oshowshi
mt hemiddlef
ingerandKuhl
e
qui
ckl
ycover
sXhanti
'seyes

Kuhl
e:baphiabanyeabant
wana?
Me:out
sidewi
thSi
mli
ndi
le

HetakesXhant
itot
hebackt
hencomesbackand
si
tsonthebarchai
r

Kuhl
e:l
iphii
ma'
am?
Sabel
o:shei
scomi
ngl
aterwi
thAni
ta

KuhlelooksatmeandIj ustshrugmyshoul ders.

AnitaandIar enol ongerclose,shewantedmor e
t
hanIcoul dgi veherandshedi dn'ttakeitwell.I
t
ooka15mont hsvowofcel i
bacyasapar tofmy
recoveryfrom sexaddiction.I
thasn'tbeeneasy
withagi r
llikethatthr
owingher sel
fatme
Kuhl
e:doyoumi
ndi
fngi
kubambel
ayenaf
oraf
ew
months?
Me:ubambel
ebani
?Shei
saf
reeagentasf
arasI
know
Sabel
o:andyoudon'
twanther
?
Me:no

Morekidsandtheirpar ent
sstartar
rivingsoIlet
Simli
ndil
etakeover.Idon'thavetheener gy
anymore.Whenmydaught er
scomedownt he
stai
rsinthei
rpi
nktut usandwhi tet
-shirt
s,theyl
ook
adorabl
e.Thandorunst oSabel
owhi leKukhanya
walkstowardsme.Li ghtissuchalady.Ipickherup,
ki
sshercheekandt ickleher.Shesqueal shappi
ly

Kukhanya:dada
Me:happybi
rt
hdayst
handwasami
Her
:beday
Shest
art
scl
appi
ngherhands

Me:Il
oveyou
Her
:avu
Me:ncami
sa

Shepoutsherlipsandpl
acesapeckonmyl i
ps
thenIputherdown.Loveandherfat
herar
esti
ll
deepinconversati
onwhenLightwal
ksout

Me:putherdown
Sabelo:I'
m sti
llt
ell
ingheraboutt
he7Bs.Nextthi
ng
you'
llknowt heywillbei
nhighschoolandboyswil
l
belookingatthem snarks
Me:I
'
llki
llsomeone

Event
ual
lyheput
sherdown.Ast
hegent
swesi
tat
adist
anceawayfr
om t
heact
ion,
wear
eal
ready
dr
inki
nganyway

Kuhl
e:IaskedNomzamot
omar
ryme
Sabel
o:why?
Kuhl
e:becauseIwantt
obemar
ri
ednow
Me:notbecauseyoul
oveher
Kuhle:guysIdon'tknowhowmanyt imesIneedt o
tel
lyouthatloveisoverrat
ed.Theonewhol oves
l
esshast hemostcont roli
nar el
ati
onshi
p.I
'drather
beincontrolthanbelovestruck.

Het akesasi pofhiswhiskeythenlooksatSabel

o.I
thi
nkheexpect shimtoagr eewit
hhim buthe
doesn't.Mybr otheri
sdeepwi thi
nHisfeel
swith
Iminathi.ThefunnythingisthatImii
sababy

Me:hei
saf
all
ensol
diert
hisone
Sabel
o:andI
'
m notashamed.Thi
sthi
nghasal
ott
o
dowi
thukukhul
ayaqonda?
Kuhl
e:soI
'm notgr
own?Isthatwhatyouaresayi
ng?
ThewayIseeit,
I'
m smar
terthanal
lofy'
allwheni
t
comestol
ove
Me:t
hingisloverequi
resyout
ober
eal
lyst
upi
din
or
dertoful
lyfeeli
t

Sabel
onodsi
nagr
eement

Sabel
o:youarenotinl
oveyeti
fyourbr
ainisin
cont
rol
.Youjustneedt
omeetthatonegir
lthatwi
ll
makeyouseethingspr
operl
y
Kuhl
e:nahI'm good.Nowt
hatyouandSiml
indi
le
ar
eover,Ihavenohopeinloveanymor
e

Il
augh.Thisoneiscrazy.Ourfamil
yhasloveall
ar
ound.Hisparentsloveeachotherli
kecrazy,
so
domypar ent
s,auntYandisaandherhusbandand
maybeuncleShauni sn'
tthebestexamplebuteven
hehasahappymar r
iage.TheSmithandHadebe
menl
ovehar
dandwi
thnor
egr
ets

Me:phumal
apho
Kuhl
e:younotgoi
ngt
owor
kthi
ngsout
?

Ishakemyhead.Imi ssher ,
Istil
lloveherbutwe
aresti
llfarf
rom consideri
ngget t
ingbacktogether
.
I'
m seeingatherapi
stagai n,notf
ormyaddi cti
on
butjusttooffl
oadandf indawayt odealwit
hmy
demons.Sheal sosaysshei sseeingsomeone

Kuhl
e:t
hisi
swhyIwantnot
hingt
odowi
thl
ove
Sabel
o:doesZahevenl
oveyou?
Kuhl
e:sheishappywit
hmeandI
'
m happywi
thher
.
t
hat'
stheimport
antpar
t
Me:uzonyawena.Justwai
tandsee

Si
mli
ndi
lecal
lsmewheni
t'
sti
mef
orust
odot
he
thankyouspeech.IhaveLovei
nmyarms,herhead
resti
ngonmyshoul derandLi
ghti
sinhermot
her'
s
arms

Si
mi:maywepl
easehaveyourat
tent
ion

Ever
yonequi
etensdownandf
ocusesonus

Simi:Sambul oandIwoul dj ustl

iketot hankyoual l
forcomingt ocelebr
atethisspeci aldaywi t
hus.
Thegirlsr
eallyhadf un,j
udgi ngbyhowt ir
edt hey
are.Totheirgrandparentsthankyouf oralways
steppi
ngupwhenwesl i
pup.wear enewpar ents
whohavenoi deawhatt heyar edoingbutt hrough
yourlove,supportandgui dance,we'vemadei tthi
s
far
Me:toourf
amilyandf r
iends,
you'
vebeenthe
secondpar
entstothesetwoqueensandIhopeas
theygr
owolder,
youwi l
lconti
nueplayi
ngt
hatrol
e
Il
ockeyeswi t
hSabelowhor ai
seshi sglassatme
andsmi le.Wemi ghtnotbethebesthumanbei ngs
i
nt hewor ldbutwearet hebestbrotherstoeach
otherandt hebestparentstoourkids.Aval uewe
l
ear ntf
rom ourparentsandi nt
endonpassi ngitto
ourchildren

Simi:Sambul oIwanttothankyoufortheset
wo,f
or
beingthefathertothem t
hatIwishIhadwhil
e
growingup.wear eluckytohaveyouandIprayGod
keepsyouf oreterni
ty

Shesmi
lesatmewi
thgl
ossyeyesandIsmi
leback

Me:theywoul dn'tbehereifi
twasn'tf
oryousoI
shoul
dbet heonet hanki
ngyou.Youarean
i
ncrediblemot herSimli
ndi
le,
nothi
ngintheworl
d
cantaket hatawayf r
om you.weloveyouandwe
aregratefulf
oryourl i
fe
Ididn'twantt osayt oomuchbutt helit
tlethatIsaid
camest rai
ghtfrom myhear t.Shestil
lmeanst he
wor l
dt ome.Ar ound11ever yonehasleftandt he
housei ssor tofclean.Ineedashowerandmybed
butinsteadIdeci det owat chTV.Si miisupstairs
shower ingandchecki ngont hegirl
s.Imusthave
fall
enasl eepbecausewhenIwakeupt heroom is
darkandt hereisabl anketoverme.Isi ghasIget
up,Ist i
llneedthatshower .Idon'
tknowwhet her
SimileftornotandIr eal
lydon'thavetheener gyto
check.Af teraquickshowerIgeti nbedandi ts
l
ightsout .ThenextdayI '
m wokenupbyt i
nyhands
slappingmyf aceandandscr eamingdada

Me:mor
ningbabi
es
Them:dadadadadada

Iopenmyeyes,
theyl
andonthegi
rl
sthenonSi
mi
whoispi
cki
ngupmycl ot
hes
Me:mor
ning

Isi
tupandshesmi
l
esatme

Si
mi:I
'
m sor
rywewokeyouup
Me:i
t'
sOK.Idi
dn'
tknowyoust
ayedover
Her:Somi
lal
eftwi
thShakasoIst
ayedt
owat
cht
he
gi
rl
s
Me:oh

Igetoutofbedinj
ustmybri
efswit
hmymorni
ng
erect
ionstr
aini
ngagai
nstmyunder
wear
.Si
mitr
ies
nottostar
ewhichmakesmelaugh

Me:uyayi
funamamakhe?

Shebl
ushesshyl
y
Her
:youar
ecel
ibat
enj
e

Ichuckl
e

Me:t
hat
'snotwhatIaskedt
hough

Sheisnowagainstt
hewallwi
thmybodyafew
cent
imetr
esfr
om her.Sheswal
lowshar
dwhenIput
herhandinmybrief
s

Her
:Sambul
otheki
ds
Me:t
heycan'
tseeanyt
hing.Justt
akei
toutandr
ub
i
t

Shel
ooksoutfort
hegir
lsbef
orepull
ingoutmydick
andr
ubbi
ngit.MyeyesshutasIr
eleaseagroan
ICANSAVEMYSELF
*
52*
<Sabel
o>
It
stheMondayaf t
erLoveandLight'
sbir
thdaypart
y
andIstil
lfeelver
ymuchhungover .I
fIneededa
si
gntoshowmet hatI
'
m gett
ingoldthenthi
sisit
.I
getoutofbedwhenmyal ar
mr i
ngsandgowake
Lwandisoup

Lwandi
so:ndyagul
amnat
ata
Me:ugul
aunant
oni
?
Hi
m:andazbutndf
unaul
ala
Me:uphambenekwedi
ni,
vukamahn

Imagine.Personsayshei ssickbuthedoesn' t
knowwhat '
swr ong.Thi sboyi stakingchanceswi t
h
me.Ileavehisr oom whenI '
m 100%sur ethathei
s
awakeandgogetst artedonhi sbr eakfastandhis
l
unch.Theonl yr easonI '
m maki nghi mf oodis
becausehisbr otherisher e,otherwisehewoul dbe
makinghisownf ood.Af terawhi lehewal ksintot
he
kit
chencarryingI yaz.Hei sfull
ydr essednow
Lwandi
so:br
eakf
ast
?Ar
eyoudyi
ng?
Me:boyeatyourf
oodandst
opaski
ngst
upi
d
quest
ions

Ihadmadeoat sforI
yazsoIfedhi
m andwhata
messthatturnsoutt
obe.Thischi
ldist
oopi
cky
andstubborn.Whenheisdoneeati
ngIwar
m uphi
s
mil
kthengivehim hi
sbott
le

Me:Lwandisoyouhavetotakeanubert
oschool
.
Shakacan'
ttakeyouandIhavetodropI
yaziwi
th
hi
smot her
Lwandi
so:al
ri
ghtandaf
terschool
?
Me:doyouhavespor
tsoranyt
hingl
iket
hat
?
Hi
m:Ihavehockeypract
ice.Si
sImicanpi
ckmeup
i
fyouort
atomnciarebusy

I
miandLwandi
sogetal
ongwel
l
,shehasspent
mor
eti
mewi
thLwandi
sot
hanshehaswi
thI
yazi

Me:OKI'
l
ltal
ktoherthencal
lyourschool
.Hur
ryup
andgobr
ushyourteethpl
ease

Aft
erplaci
nghi splat
einthesi nk,herushestothe
bat
hroom leavingmet ocleanupaf terhisbr
other.
Howt i
mef l
ies,thi
sonewi llbeayearnextmont h,
October10tobeexact .I
'ml earni
ngsomuchf rom
hi
m, heisquitethechall
engebutIl oveevery
momentIspendwi thhim.Myphoner ings,i
ts
Thandi.

Me:mamakhe
Thandi
:heywhatt
imear
eyoubr
ingi
ngI
yazi
Me:kunj
aniThandi
?

Shesi
ghs.Thi
scopar
enti
ngthi
ngisani
ght
mar e.
Shecal
lsmeever
y2hrswhenIhavemysonfora
weekend,oncer
tai
nweekendssheleavesandgoes
toJo'
burgwit
houttel
li
ngmewhenIhavet ofet
ch
him.Sheusesmysont ocont
rolmeanditdri
ves
mecr azy

Her
:I'
mfi
ne
Me:I
'
mfi
net
oo,
thanksf
oraski
ng
Her
:uzoml
ethani
ni?
Me:I
'l
ldrophim of
fonmywayt owork.Hej
ustat
e
soI
'm goingt
obathhim andbr
inghi
m
Her
:OK

ShehangsupandIsi gh.whenwi llthisbi t

terness
endt hough?Theonl yreasonI '
mt akingal lhercrap
i
sbecauseofourson.ot herwiseIwoul dhave
walkedawayagesago.Lwandi so'sUberar r
ivesjust
asI '
m abouttotakeabat hwi t
hhi sbr other.Idress
Iyazithengetdressedmysel fandwel eave.When
wegett oThandi'
splaceI '
m surprisedt ofindher
home.I tisaMondaymor ni
ngaf teral l
.Iyazir unsto
hi
smot
herwhi
leIof
fl
oadhi
sbag

Thandi
:hel
lomf
anakamamah.Gi
vemommyaki
ss

Sheshowershi
m wi
thki
sses,
Imustsayi
tsqui
tea
cut
esight

Me:hey
Her
:hi

Wewalkint
othehouseandBongi ,I
yazi
'
snanny
t
akeshisbagsf
rom me.Thisgivesmeachancet o
t
akealookatThandi.shei
sinnavyworkoutshort
s
whi
chshowabi tofherbum cheeksandati
ghtvest
t
hatshowsherstomach.Shelookssexyinever
y
way

Her
:thankyouf
orbr
ingi
nghi
m
Shetucksherbott
om lipbetweenhert
eet
hcausing
at wi
tchi
nmypant s.Iclearmythr
oatasi
tfeel
sdry
plussuddenl
yI'
mf eel
ingabi tt
oohotf
orthesui
t
I'
m weari
ng

Me:sho

Thi
sismycuetoleavebutmyfeetref
uset omove
unt
ilmyphoner
ingsinmypocket.Ipul
litoutand
smil
ewhenIseeImi'
sname

Me:Ihavet
ogetgoi
ng.I
'
llseeyouonFr
iday

ShenodsandIwal
koutaf
teranswer
ingmyphone

Me:nt
li
ziyoyami
Shescr eamsl
oudl
yont heot
hersi
deoftheli
neand
Ijustshakemyhead.Iwonderwhathasherso
excit
ed

I
mi:Ij
ustgotcal
ledf
orani
nter
viewt
omor
row
Me:what?That
'samazi
ngnewsbaby.
Congr
atul
ati
ons
Her
:Iknowitdoesn'
tmeanihavethej
obbutI
'
m
j
ustexci
tedf
orgetti
ngt
hecallback
Me:beexci
tedmyheart.Thi
sisgreatnews.So
ngomsoaft
eryouri
nter
view,youaresleepi
ngover
ri
ght
?

Shesi
ghsandmydi ckgoessof
t.Ist
il
lhavet
he
si
ghtofThandiandherout
fi
tgl
uedonmymi nd

Her:babyyouknowhowmypar
ent
sar
e.Ican'
t
sl
eepoutduringtheweek
Fuck!Thisrelati
onshipisdiff
erentfr
om anyofmy
pastrelat
ionships.i
trequir
esal otofpati
enceandI
can'
tjustrandoml ycallheroverforarel
easebut
I'
minl ovewi t
hherandt hatforcesmet obe
understanding

Me:okbaby.Iunder
stand.I
'
llwai
tunt
ilFr
iday
Her
:thankyoubaby.We'
l
ltal
klat
er.Loveyou
Me:l
oveyout
oo

Mydayattheoff
iceist
hesameasever
yotherday
unt
ilmybrot
herwalksi
ntomyof
fi
ceweari
ngthat
st
upidgr
inofhi
s

Me:t
hixo!
Sambul
o:behappybr
o.Li
fei
swonder
ful
Me:youar
eannoyi
ng
Hepul
lsachairbackandsi
tsdown.I
'
m socl
oset
o
sl
appi
ngthatgri
noffhi
sface

Me:t
het
ha
Hi
m:t
her
eisnot
hingt
osay
Me:goawayt
hen.I
'
m busy
Hi
m:nah.Imi
ssyou

Icl
osetheBi
llofCost
sfi
leI
'
m busywi
thandf
ocus
onthi
sidi
ot

Me:tel
lmewhatyouwanttot
ellmebecauseI
'
m
notgoi
ngtobegyouf
orit
Hi
m:Si
misl
eptoveraf
tert
het
winspar
ty
Me:yougotbackt
oget
her
?

Iwoul
dn'
tputitpasthim.Thatstupi
dgir
lishi
s
Achi
ll
esheelr
eall
y.I'
llneverf
orgi
veherforwhat
shedidandl
astt
imeIchecked,
Sambul
oandIwer
e
onthesamepageaboutt
hat

Him:nah.Shegavemeahandj obthough.IswearI
camei nlessthanami nutet
henshegavemea
blowjob.Thixo!Thatgir
list
alent
ed

Irol
lmyeyes,t
hat
'showuni
nter
est
edIam i
nthi
s
conver
sat
ion

Me:don'
tshareyoursexstor
ieswi
thmeplease.my
br
aindoesn'
tneedthatki
ndofcorr
upt
ion
Hi
m:It
houghtshewoul
dref
useyaz
Me:st
opt
alki
ng

Hel
aughs

Hi
m:onamor
eser
iousnot
e,Idon'
tseemysel
fwi
th
anyot
hergi
rlexceptt
hatone
Me:sowhatmustIdoaboutt
hat
?
Hi
m:subayi
kakamf
ondi
n,I
'
m bei
ngser
ious
Me:I
'
mli
steni
ng
Him:pl
easesortyourshi
toutwithhersothatwhen
wegetbacktogether
,Idon'
tfeelasifI
'm bet
rayi
ng
anyone

Ialr
eadylookli
kequit
etheasshol
eforgi
vinghi
m
theult
imateayearagobutheknowshowmuch
l
oyaltymeanstome.That'swhywearehavingt
his
conversat
ion

Me:i
tsyourl
if
ebr
uh,
li
vei
tthewayyouwantt
o
Him:Idon'
twantt
ochoosebet
weent
hegi
rlIl
ove
andmybr ot
her
Me:sheputmeinpri
sonfor6months.That
'sallI
'
m
goi
ngtosay.You'
l
lalwaysbemybrotherbecause
wehavethesamebloodflowi
ngt
hroughourveins
butsheisnothingofmine.Iowehernot
hingandas
farasI
'm concerned,
sheisdeadtome

Hesi ghs.heknowsbet terthantotryandconvince

meot her wi
se.Iknowhel ovesherandIknowhei s
workingonhi mselfforherbutthat'
shim.I'm notin
l
ovewi t
hher,Idon'tneedherinmyl if
eandIsur e
ashel ldon'
twantheri nmyl i
fe.Iwil
lsur
vivenot
tal
kingt oherfortherestofmyl i
fe.t
hecrazypar ti
s
thatnotevenoncedi dIhearherapol ogi
zetomef or
whatshedi d.Notevenonce

Hi
m:howwi
llt
hiswor
k?

Ishr
ugmyshoul
der
s

Me:itsyourbabytonurseanddon'
tdosomet hi
ng
stupi
dliker
unningawayagain.Youaretoool
df or
thatshi
t.Bewiththegi
rlyouwantbutdon'
texpect
met obecoolwithher
Henods,
sighst
henget
sup

Hi
m:t
hankyou
Me:Idi
dnot
hing.Don'
tthankme
Hi
m:youwoul
dn'
tunder
stand

HewalksoutandIgetbacktowork.Ar
ound4
Lwandi
soisdroppedbyhisubert
henwegohome

Lwandi
so:wassi
sImi
busy?
Me:yeah.Shehasani
nter
viewt
omor
row
Hi
m:f
oraj
oborf
orTV?

Il
aughathi
squesti
on.Asst
upi
dasi
tmaysound,
i
tsaval
idquest
ion
Me:f
oraj
obsmar
typant
s

IstopatMcDonal d's,getusf oodthendr ivehome.

Weeatt henhegoest otakehi snapaf terItellhim
thatHomewor kst art
sat6pm.I '
m notint hemood
tocooksowewi llhavet akeawayf orsuppert oo.I
changeintoshortsandavestt hent hrowmysel fon
thecouch.Thehousei ssoqui etwi t
houtI yaziand
hisbabytalk.Heleftthismor ningbutIal readymi ss
him.AsI '
mt hi
nkingabouthi m, thewei r
destt hing
happens.Myphoner i
ngswi thThandi '
snameon
thescreen.Crazyr i
ght?!

Me:mamakhe
Thandi
:pl
easecomeover
.Iyazii
sn'
tfeel
ingwel
l
.He
hasbeent
hrowingupt
hewhol eday
Me:okI
'
llbet
her
esoon
Her
:pl
easehur
ry.I
'
mfr
eaki
ngouther
e

Il
eaveanot
eforLwandi
sot
henr
usht
oThandi
'
s
place.I yaziwasfi
net hismor ningsoIdon't
under standanyoft his.Adr i
vethatusuall
yt akes
me20mi nshastakenme10mi nstoday.Ileavet he
enginer unni
ngasIr usht othedoor .Idon'
tbot her
knocki ngandwhenIbur stthroughthedoor ,Inotice
thehousei sdarkwithaf ewcandlesPr ovi
dingabi t
oflight

Me:Thandi
!

Shewalksoutofoneoftheroomsstar
knaked.I
meannakednaked,notevenunder
wearon.I'
m
moreconfusedt
henever

Me:kwenzekant
oni
?Anduphiumnt
ana?

Shedoesn'
trespondunt
ilshei
sinf
rontofme

Thandi
:Iyazii
sfi
ne
Mor
econf
usi
on

Me:butyousai
d..
.

Shesil
encesmewi t
hakiss,
stupi
dmekissesher
backforafewsecondst
henpusheshersl
ight
ly
back

Me:youl
ied?
Her:f
oragoodcause.Isawt
hewayyouwere
st
arri
ngatmeearl
ier
.Iknowyoust
il
lwantme
Me:youusedumnt
anat
ogetl
aid?Wow

Ipause

Me:youknowI
'm wi
thImi
nat
hir
ight
?I'
mina
r
elat
ionshi
pwi
thsomeoneel
seandyoupul
lthi
s
stuntonaMondayeveni ng?Ileftmy14yearold
sonalonebecauseIt houghtthiswasanemer gency.
Youcan'tpullshi
tli
kethisThandi ,
youcan'
tcrywolf
withmychild'sli
fe.

Shet akesast
epcl oserandherhandcoversmy
dickovermypant s.Igethar
dinstant
ly.Badt
imi
ng
l
ittl
eguy.Shekissesmyneckandpul lsonmy
earlobe.

Her:I
'
m sorr
y.Maybeyoushoul
dpuni
shmesoI
'
ll
knownevertodoi
tagain
ICANSAVEMYSELF
*
53*
<Sl
indi
le>
Konjetherewasat imewhenIwoul dsl
eept hr
ough
thenightandwakeuphappyi nthemor ning, r
eady
tothrowshadeatpeopl e.Thoseti
mesar elong
behindme, angi
thiIlett
hismanpenet r
at emer aw
andnowwehavel i
tt
ledemonst hatdon'tli
ke
sleepi
ng.I
ts3am,Yonelaissucki
ngonmybr east
fordearl
if
eandallIwanttodoissl eep.Xhantii
s
suckingonhi
sbot t
le,
kicki
nghisfeetintheairwhil
e
l
ayingonhiscot.You'
dswearits3pm yazt heway
theyaresoacti
ve

Nt
ando:t
hisi
sjustbeaut
if
ul
Me:don'
tannoymeHadebe.Iwantt
osl
eep
Hi
m:uyatef
asthandwasami
,youusedt
owor
k
ni
ghtshi
ft
sallt
hetime
Me:mypati
entswer
enotsucki
ngmyboobsdur i
ng
t
hatni
ghtshi
ftsopl
easeandnobodycr
iesl
ike
t
heset
wo

Helaughswhileshakinghi shead.Hehasbeen
handsonwi t
hthesebabi es,wellIdi
dn'tgi
vehim
muchofachoi ce.Theyar emor ehisthantheyare
mineanyway.Yonelaf all
sasl eepandIputheri n
hercot
.Xhantiissti
llkickingairandtalki
ngt o
hi
mself.Thatonecankeephi mselfbusy,Iwantto
sl
eep.
3monthslaterwegovi
sitOyi
ntando'
spar entsso
theycanspendtimewit
hthekids.XhantiandKuhle
arebestfr
iendsandNel
aisjustherusuallazysel
f.
Iswearthi
schildi
savampire

Abongi
we:Yonel
alooksnot
hingl
ikeyoubaby

Sheshif
tshergazef
rom mysl
eepi
ngdaught
ert
o
herf
ather

Li
mil
e:shedoes,
itsj
ustt
hatNel
aisl
ight
er
Nt
ando:shewi
llgetdar
ker
.Ihavef
ait
hinmygenes

Irol
lmyeyes.Yonelaisveryli
ghtskinnedwiththick
curl
yhair
.Shei sj
ustabsolut
elygorgeous.
Abongiweasksmet ohelpherwithpr epar
inglunch
andIagree.sheismymot herinlawbutar gmanwe
arenotbesti
es.Sheisn'
tbadbutshei stooinvolved
i
nmyr el
ati
onshipandnowt hatI'
llbemar r
ying
Ntando,I'
m scaredofwhatthefutureholds.she
mightjustwanttomovei n.Ipr
epar esal
adswhi l
e
shemar i
natesthechickenfi
ll
ets

Abongi
we:Isenseavi
be
Me:Idon'
tfol
low
Her:youdidn'
twantt
ogi
veXhant
ithenameI
suggested

Iint
ernal
lyr
ollmyeyes.Wasn'tXhant
ibor
novera
yearago?Howi st
hisanissuenow?Wowza

Me:wi t
hal lduerespectma,yourchil
disOyintando
andXhant iismychi l
d.NtandoandImake
decisi
onswi thregardstoXhantiandYonela.You
arewelcomet omakesuggest i
onsastheir
grandparentsbutpleasedon'tcatchf
eel
ingsifyour
suggesti
onsar ereject
ed
Shelooksshockedatmyr esponsebutit'
snotal
ie.
Idon'
twantt or
aisemychi ldrenaccordi
ngtoher
ways,l
etmemakemymi stakesandlear
nf r
om
them.IfIneedhelp,
I'
llshout

Her:wellweareal argefamil
yandal
ltheki
dsar e
rai
sedinapar ti
cularway.That'
swhySambul oand
Kuhleareclose,samewayShakaandEndiar ebest
fri
ends.Youcan'tjustcomeandchangethat.You
arenotthefir
stpersontohavekidsi
nthisfamily
Me:Iknowt hatmaandagai nwi t
hal lduerespectto
you,bab'
Limile,
bab' Loyisoandmam' Gugu,I
wouldn'
tmychi l
drengr owingupt hinkingtheyare
enti
tl
edtothingsjustbecauset heirfatherhas
money.Iwantmychi ldr
ent otr
eatal lpeopleequal
ly,
toknowthatoneneedst owor kforthingsandt hat
Ntando'
smoneydoesn' tbelongtot hem.Thesame
wayIknowt hathismoneyi sn'
tmine

Sher
aisesherarmsintheai
rinwhatl ooksl
ikea
si
gnofdefeat
.Ihonest
lydon'
tfeell
ikeIwasbeing
rude.I'
mj ustbeinghonest
.Wepr eparether
estof
thelunchinsilencethenIsett
het abl
e.Kuhl
eand
Zahar r
ivejustaswear eabouttoeat

Kuhl
e:X-
mannt
wanayami

That
'swhathecal
lsmyson.I
'
vegi
venuponget
ti
ng
hi
mt ost
op.Hehas"X-
man"onhi
slapasweeat

Li
mil
e:t
hisi
samazi
ngmyangel

Abongiweblushesandblowsherhusbandakiss.
Theyarecutethesetwo,
shemustjustbuttoutof
myrelati
onshi
pqha

Abongi
we:wel
lIwoul
dn'
thavedonei
twi
thoutSl
i'
s
hel
p
Ismil
efaint
lywhenIfeel
Ntando'
shandonmy
thi
gh.Thi
smani str
yingtogetmepr
egnantagai
n.I
cansmellit

Nt
ando:dad'
sri
ght
.Thi
sisr
eal
lygoodl
ala

Hehasthatweir
dgrinofhi
s.TheI
diotpr
obabl
y
hasanerect
ionri
ghtnow

Kuhl
e:ZahandIhaveanannouncementt
omake

HelooksatashyNomzamowhobl
ushesand
doesn'
tli
fthereyes

Li
mil
e:shei
spr
egnanti
sn'
tshe?
Kuhl
e:no!Wel
lnotyet
.Iaskedhert
omar
rymeand
shesai
dyes
Me:wowcongr
atul
ati
onsKuhl
e.Thi
sisabi
gst
ep.
Zahl
etmeseet
hatr
ing

Sheplacesherhandont
het
abl
eandwowwhata
rock.Gor
geousandhuge

Abongi
we:I
'
m happyf
oryouguys.Wel
comet
othe
fami
lyNomzamo.Wel
lof
fici
all
y
Limi
le:youboysarefol
lowi
nginyourol
dman'
s
foot
steps.I
'
vetaughtyouwell
*
5mont
hsl
ater*
14Febr
uar
y*
Istareatmysel font hewallmir
ror.Isthisr eall
yme?
Allthisnyisi
ngisal lme?Nomankant iumunt uuba
njeont hedayt heyt hrowawaytheirsur name?I
l
ookf reakengor geousi nmyrosegol ddr ess.I
wasn' tgoi
ngt odot hewholewhitedr esst hing.
Angi f
uninje.I'
m get t
ingmarr
iedat4pm.Agai n,let
mebegr eat.Aftert
hi sweddi
ngIwantt odi cked
downandpassouti nmychocolateman' sar ms.
Simlindil
ewal ksinwi thmymother.Wear egoingto
haveamoment
,pr
obabl
ywi
l
lbef
oll
owedbyt
ear
s

Mama:ci
shewamuhl
eyazi

Irollmyeyes, mymom issuchasavageshame.

Shedoesn' tevenhi
deit
.Simli
ndi
lel
aughs,angmaz
uhlekanibecausesheshouldbei
nmycor ner

Me:hawumama
Mama:youknowyoul
ookgor
geoushawu.Lookat
your
sel
f

Webot hlookatmeont hemirrorandSi mijoi

nsus.
Twogener at
ionsofstrongwoment hatloveand
standbyeachotherthroughthet oughestoftimes.I
l
ovemymot her,Iam everyt
hingthatIam because
ofher.Mybabysi st
erismyl ife,
shepr obably
doesn'tknowthi
sbutIdr awsomuchst rengt
hfrom
her
Me:Il
oveyoubothsomuch.t
hereisn'
tanyoneI
'
d
wantt
osharet
hisdaywi
thapartf
rom youtoo
Si
mi:yett
odayyoul
eaveust
ojoi
nanot
herf
ami
ly
Me:butthisfamilymademe.Thi
sfami
lyr
aisedme
andI'
m grateful

Weareallt
earynow.Usi t
handil
ecomestoletus
knowthatt
heyar ewaiti
ngforus.Wedotouchups
onthemakeup, itakeonemorelookatmyself
,take
onedeepbreat
handsl owlyexhale

Me:l
et'
sgogi
vemeaway

Mymot herwalksmedownt heaisl

e.Lal
elanot hi
ng
aboutt
hisweddingi sconventi
onal
.wedon' thave
bri
desmaidsandgr oomsmen.Heknowsmor e
peopl
ethanIdosoi twouldhavenotbalancedso
wescratchedthati
deaout .hi
sbestmani sKuhl e
andmymai dofhonorisSimli
ndil
e.that
'sallwe
have.AsIwalkdowntheaisle,t
heonlyt
hingIsee
i
st hesmil
eonhisface.i
tsthesamesmi l
ehehad
thefi
rstt
imeImethim andalthoughwe'
vehada
bumpyr i
de,t
hesmilehasremainedconst
ant.My
mom handsmeovert oNtandowhohugshert i
ghtl
y

Nt
ando:ngyabongama

Mymot herisalr
eadyemot i
onal,shejustnodsand
walkstoherseat.Ntandotakesmyhandand
smilesagai
n.Thisguyandt hissmileofhis.I
'
m
ti
red.Thepastortakesusthroughtheceremony
unti
lhehandsovert ousforourvows

Ntando:Ialwaysf ounditcl
ichédwhensomeone
ref
erstot heirpartnerastheirbestf r
iend,i
tdi
dn'
t
makesenset omebecauseshut hial
lthist
ime
wenayoudi dn'thaveabestf riendunt i
lyoumeta
gir
l.Thatwasnai vemebutt hemeoft oday
understandsi tful
lybecauset odayI '
m marryi
ngmy
bestfri
end.Wehaven' thadaneasyj ourney,we'
ve
beent estedoverandoveragai nandwe' vepassed
everytest .Ivowtoalwaysst andbyyoursi de,t
o
l
oveyoumor ewhenyoudon' tli
keme, tobringyou
l
aughsmor ethantearsandt obef orgivi
ngandki nd
atallt
imes.Al oveli
keour sneedsTLC, TLCasi n
Trust,LoveandCommuni cati
on.Itrustyouwi t
hall
myl i
fe, Loveyouwi t
hal lt
hatIam andIvowt o
communi catewithyoubyt alki
ngtoyouand
l
isteni
ngt oyou.Youar emyever ythingSl i
ndil
e,you
maket hesuncomeuponacl oudyday, youmake
myhear tleapandmyst omachf l
utter.Iloveyou
MRSHadebe

I
'm amess,anemot
ionalmessandprobabl
ylook
l
ikeazombienowbutwow.Thismanhasaway
wit
hwords.WhatmustIsayminamanje?Like
r
eall
ywhatcanIsaythatwi
llt
opthat
?Justwow

Me:wher
edoIt
apOut
?

Ever
yonebr
eaksi
ntol
aught
er.Theyt
hinkI
'
mjoki
ng
Me:l
ikedudenoman.Youwi
nyaz.Takeme

Agai
nthel
aught
ercont
inues

Me:Ijustwanttobemarr
iedt
oyou,I
'vegi
venyou
chi
ldr
ensol et
hathesur
namealr
eady.

Mor
echuckl
esf
oll
ow

Me:onamor eseri
ousnot e,
t hankyouHadebe.
Thankyouf orchoosingmeknowi ngver ywel l
whereIcomef rom,whatIhaveandwhatIhadt o
off
ertoyou.Ir emembert ell
ingyouhowunwor thyI
am ofyourl ovebecauseofmyt axbr acketandyou
tol
dmet heonlycurrencyyourhear tknowsi slove.I
wassol dont hatverymoment .You' vebroughtso
muchgr owt hinmyl i
fe,somuchl ove,strengthand
perseverance.Therewer esomanyt i
mesIf eltweak
butyoust ayedstrongforthebot hofusandIcan
neverthankyouenoughf orthat
.Ivowt oal
ways
appreciat
eyou,t
oalwaysr espectandli
stentoyour
views,tobui
ldandshareal i
fewithyou.Ivowto
takecareofyou,l
oveyou, supportyouandgiveyou
myl oyalt
yatal
lti
mes.IloveyouHadebe.

Pastor
:wit
hthatsaid,Inowpronounceyou
husbandandwife,MrandMr sOyintandoyenkosi
Hadebe.Youmayki ssthebr
ide
ICANSAVEMYSELF
*
Final
e*
<Si
mli
ndi
le>
*
*5year
slat
er*
*
Me:gi
rl
scomeon.Wear egoi
ngt
obel
atesost
op
pl
ayi
ngandfi
nisheat
ing

I
'
mi ssuinginst
ruct
ionsyetI'
m sti
llt
ypingonmy
l
aptop.Thisbookiscomingtogethernicelybuti
ts
t
ir
ingthatmycr eat
ivej
uicesonlystartfl
owingin
t
heear l
yhoursofthemor ni
ng.Ihearlargefoot
stepsfoll
owedbytinyfootstepscomingmyway.
Thegirlsshoutsi
multaneouslyandl
it
eral
lyj
umpoff
thechairs

Me:Thando!Kukhanya!Wear
egoi
ngt
obel
ate
Thando:daddyi
sher
e

IfeelhislipsonmyneckandIt urnaroundwi tha

smi l
eonmyf ace.Hepl acesaki ssonmyl ips, hi
s
l
ipsar ecol dandsof t
,maki ngitdiff
icultf
ormet o
holdthemoant hatwant stoescapemyl ips.Ipul l
outoft heki sswhenIf eelmysonpul lonmyl eg.He
pecksmyl ipsandsmi les.Someonecl earst heir
throat.Ididn'tt
hinkhewoul dmakei tinsi
det he
houset hatf ast
.Hehasbot hthegi r
lsinhisar ms
andaver yawkwar dlookonhi sf ace

Sambul
o:mor
ning
Me:hey.Idi
dn'
tknowyouwer
ecomi
ng
Sambul
o:Ical
led.Youdi
dn'
tanswer
Heput st hegirlsdown, theguyIwaski ssingnotso
l
ongagopi cksuphi ssonanddi sappearsi ntothe
kit
chenaf t
erexchangi nggr eetingswi thSambul o.
Sambul oandInevergotbackt ogether.wedi dt he
wholether apyt hi
ng,indivi
dual lyandt ogetherbut
themor ewespoke, mor ethingsst artedresur f
acing,
thi
ngst hatshoul dhavebeenr aisedagesagobut
becauseweneverknewhowt ocommuni cat ewi t
h
eachother ,itpil
edup.Wesatdown, tal
kedf ora
wholeni ght,cri
edandl etgoofeachot her.Hedi d
whatheal waysdoeswhenhei sinabadspaceand
shutever yoneout .Iwasj ustgl adt hathedi dn'
tr un
again.I
tt ookmeover2year st ogetoverhi m.I'l
l
alwayslovehi m butnowIunder standwhywe
ended

Me:sor
ryt
hephoneisupst
air
s.Beenupal
lni
ght
t
ryi
ngtowrapupthi
sbook

Hesmi
lesf
aint
lybuti
tsl
owl
ydi
sappear
swhenhe
seesonBul umko.That '
st heguyIwaski ssingnot
sol ongagoandt hegr eatestj oyinmyl i
fe.Him and
mychi ldren.Ist illr
emembert hedaywemet ,
itwas
atmysi ster'
sweddi ng5year sago.Iwasst il
la
mess, wor kingonmysel fandnowher enearbei ng
readyf orar elationship.Weexchangednumber s,
becamef riendsf oraf ewyear sandt woyear sago
west arteddat i
ng, wit
hi nacoupl eofmont hsIwas
pregnantwi thOt haluveandwemovedi ntoget her
l
atel astyear .Noweddi ngbel l
sjustyetbutI 'mt oo
happyt or ushf ori t
.Hej ustmakesl ifesomuch
easierf orme, hedoesn' tpl ayher oallthetimenor
seemeasavul nerablevi ctimt hatneedssavi ng.
Sambul osavedmef r
om mybadmar ri
ageandI 'l
l
alwaysbegr atefultohi mf orthatbutwi thBul umko
Ifeelasi fonl ynowI '
m st ar t
ingover .Hehashel ped
mer ealiset hatIcansavemysel fandIcanbemy
ownher owheneverIneedone.Ot haluveishis
father '
sson, heent ertainsmewhenhi sfatherisnot
aroundbuthel oveshi ssi st ers.Theydr i
vemecr azy
asacol lect i
ve
Bul
umko:youneedt
ogetr
eadyl
ove,
itsal
ready
7am.
Me:shi
t

Iqui
ckl
ycl
osemyl
apt
op

Kukhanya:mommysai
dabadwor
d
Me:mommyissor
ry.Daddywi
llt
akeyoutoschool
.
gobr
ushyourt
eet
handdon'tf
orgetl
unch

Theyruntothebat
hroom andOt
haf ol
lowsthem.
Heisonlytwoyear
soldbuthereal
lythinkshecan
keepupwithhissi
ster
s

Me:wi
llyoupi
ckt
hem up?
Sambulo:uhm nah.It
houghtwecouldtal
kbutIcan
seethatyouar
eal sor
unningl
ate.Canwemeetup
aft
erwork?
Me:onl
yifi
thast
odowi
tht
hegi
rl
s
Sambul
o:ofcour
se
Me:al
ri
ght
.I'
l
lcal
lyoudur
ingt
heday

Aftermy15mi nshower,Igetdr
essedinanavyt i
ght
fi
tti
ngdressthatcomesjustabovetheknee,li
ght
brownstil
ett
oesandcombmyhai r.ihavealarge
afrowhi
chIt i
einabun.Bul umkowalksinjustas
I'
m appl
yingmyl i
psti
ck.Hisminimei sri
ghtnextt
o
him

Bul
umko:youl
ookbeaut
if
ulmnt
uwam

Ismil
ebutdon'
tsayanyt
hing.Igr
abmybagand
walkt
owardshi
m

Me:youar
eamazi
ng
Hi
m:It
ryl
ove.Readyt
ogo?
Me:youar
edr
ivi
ngmet
owor
k?

Henodswi
thaSmi
lebef
orehooki
nghi
sar
mint
o
mine

Hi
m:Il
oveyouanddon'
tfor
gett
hemagi
cwor
ds

Iturnaroundandlookatt
helargef
rameaboveour
bedwi ththe"
magicwords"andchuckl
ebef
ore
readingthem outl
oud

Me:Icansavemysel
f
*
*
<Sambul
o>
Theridet
othegirl
s'schoolisal
waysaneventf
ul
one.Theyneverst
opt al
kingandthent
heystar
t
fi
ghti
ngandthenhalfwayt hr
oughthef
ight
soneof
them r
ememberssomethi
ngtheyhaven'
ttol
dme
andtheyst
artt
alki
ngnonst
opagain

Li
ght
:daddy
Me:yesmyl
ove
Li
ght
:whydi
dyounameusLoveandLi
ght
?

Ilaugh.Thisquesti
oncomesupever ytimewear e
togetherandIalwaystellthem t
hestory.I'
m
start
ingtothi
nkit'
stheirfavori
test
ory.They've
grownupsof ast
,it
sasi fIwenttosleepwi t
htwo
yearoldsandwokeupwi t
h8yearolds.Theyl ook
somuchl i
keSimli
ndil
eandIseesomuchofheri n
Kukhanya.Thandor emindsmeofSomi l
aforsome
reason

Me:youguysknowt
hest
ory
Love:t
elli
tagai
ndaddy,
please
Shepul
lst
hecut
estf
aceandImel
t

Me:becauseyourmot herandIwerel
ostandint
he
darkbeforewemeteachot her
.Welovedeachot
her
somucht hatwehadyouguysandyouguys
broughtloveandli
ghtint
oourli
ves
Li
ght
:Ihaveanot
herquest
ion
Me:youal
wayshaveanot
herquest
ionbaby

Shepoutsandf
oldsherar
msdr
amat
ical
lyacr
oss
herchest

Me:ngi
yadl
alababy.Ask
Li
ght:don'
tyouandmommyl
oveeachot
her
anymore?
Me:west il
lhaveyouguysright?Forasl ongaswe
haveyouguyst henwestil
lloveeachot herbutyou
don'thavetostaywi
thsomeoneyoul ove.Idon'
t
staywithyouguysbutIloveyoumor et han
anyt
hing

Sheseemspl easedwi thmyanswer .Idropthem of

f
atschoolthendr ivetotheoffi
ce.That'
showmy
morningsst artonmostdays.i t
sthelif
eihave
chosenf ormyself ,t
helif
eofbeingasingledad.I
couldn'
tdoi t,Iwatchedhermoveonwi thanother
manandi tbrokeme.I thurti
nsideoutbutaftera
fewyear sIaccept edthatshewashappyandI
wasn'ttheonemaki ngherhappy.
WhenIgott otheoffi
ce,Itookamomentt o
appreciat
ehowmucht hisfi
rm hasgr own.Wenow
haveabr anchi nPret
oriaaswel lnowandt hati
diot
brotherofmi neheadsupt hatbr anch.I
tfeelsweird
beingapartf r
om him andevent houghi t
sbeen
3years,Isti
llcan'
tgetusedt oit.Iexchange
greeti
ngswi thmyPAbef oresteppingintomyof fi
ce.
aroundmi ddayIreceiveacal lf
rom Simlindil
e,I
'
m
annoyedathowmyhear tstil
lreactstoher

Me:mamakhe
Si
mi:hey,
uri
ght
?
Me:yeahngi
ri
ght

Thereisanawkwar
dsil
enceforaf
ewseconds
befor
esheclear
shert
hroat

Her
:whatt
imedoyouwantt
omeetupat
?
Me:5pm i
sfi
ne.Ishoul
dbedonewi
thever
ythi
ngby
t
hen

Trut
hi sSabeloandIhavesecur edof f
icespaceand
cl
ientbaseincapet ownandIwantt oheadi tup.
I'
mt i
redofDur ban,I'veli
vedheremywhol elif
eand
Iwantt ot
akethegi rlswithme.I'veal r
eadyf ounda
goodschoolandIwantt omovet her einJuly.I
knowshewon' tagreeeasi l
ytothis,ifshewillagree
atall
.Iburymysel finwor kunti
lIf eelaknockon
mydoor .Icheckthet i
meandi t16h50andI '
m
star
ving
Me:comei
n

Zamaopensthedoorandj
ustpeaksi
n.Shel
ooks
readyt
ogohome

Zama:si
rKukhanya'
smot
heri
sher
e
Me:ohpl
easel
etheri
n

Shenodsandwal ksout.Afewmi nuteslater

,
Simlindi
lewalksinl
ookinginsanel
ygor geous.f
uck,
whatwi l
litt
akeformet ogetoverthiswoman?She
smilesasIgetupandappr oachher .Myhear ti
s
beatingi
nmyt hr
oatri
ghtnow.Weshar eahug
beforeIushertothecouch

Me:youl
ook.
..
wow

Shelaughsner
vousl
yasshesi
tsdownandcr
osses
herl
egs
Her
:thankyou
Me:I
'm act
ual
lyki
ndahungr
y.Shoul
dweor
der
somet
hing?
Her:Ial
sohaven'
teat
ensosur
e.st
eer
sri
bsand
gr
il
ledchicken
Me:yesma'
am

Ical
ltopl
acet
heor
dert
henf
ocusmyat
tent
ion
backonher

Me:uhm thi
sisreal
lyi
mpor
tantsoIhopeyouwi
ll
bereal
lyopentoit
Her
:okI
'
mli
steni
ng
Me:wear
eopeningournewof
fi
cei
ncapet
owni
n
Jul
yandI
'l
lbeheadi
ngit

SheTakesapauset
henl
ooksatmewi
thgl
ossy
eyes

Her
:youwantt
otaket
hegi
rl
s?

Inod.I
'
m notsur
eofherr
eact
ionbutIr
eal
lywant
thi
s

Her
:OK

I
'
m conf
usedandsheseesi
t

Her:t
hegirl
smeanthewor ldtoyouandt heyareal
l
wehavefrom ourr
elat
ionship.Theymakeyou
happyandasmuchaswear enottoget
her,I
'l
l
al
waysloveyouandcar eaboutyouandIr eal
lydo
wantyoutobehappy.
Me:Ireal
lyt
houghtyouweretheonebutIguessI
expect
edalotf
rom youwhileIwasalsobr
oken.
Ourbreakupmademer eal
izethatonl
yIcansave
mysel
f
*
*
<Sabel
o>
Pretori
aissuchagr eatplacef ormer i
ghtnow, I
'
m
raisi
ngaf amil
y,I'
m headi ngagr owingf ir
m andI 'm
mar ri
edtothewor l
d'smostamazi ngwoman.
Anyonet hatknowsmeknowsIwasn' tgoingtodo
thewhol ebigwhiteweddi ng.Thatshitisoverrated.
Itookmywomant ocour t
, wegotmar ri
edandhad
themot herofalltradit
ionalweddings.Weal lknow
youar enotmar ri
edunt ilyou'vebeenspr i
nkledwi th
yongo.Iwasn'tgoi ngtocompr omiseont hat.Iwal k
i
nt oourhouseaf terwhathasbeenanexhaust i
ng
daybutwhenIseemywi feinthekit
chenandmy
kidsinthelounge, it
'
sasi fallthefat
iguehas
escapedmybody

I
yazi
:tat
amii
shome
Herunstowardsmeandmydaught ercr
awls
behindhi
m.Shet r
iestostandbutf
all
s.Shehasn'
t
quit
emaster
edt heartofwalki
ngyet.

Me:huhuhndodaneverl
eaveyoursi
sterbehi
nd.

Hest
ops,
wal
ksbackt
oherandt
ri
est
opi
ckherup

Imi
:ifhedr
opsmychi
ldSabel
o,IswearIwi
lldr
op
youaswell

Iyazicarr
iesImi vuyoandwaddlestowardsme.My
daughtergiggleshappilyunt
ilIt
akeher.shejust
turnedoneont he6thofFebruarybutwalki
ngissti
ll
ami ssion

Me:hel
lobhabha
Iki
ssherchubbycheeksandshel
aughs

Vuyo:dada
Me:bhabha

IyaziandIdoourhandshakebeforehetakesmy
bagt othest
udy.Iwal
kintothekit
chen,placeVuyo
ont hecount
erandwrapmyar msar oundt hel
ove
ofmyl if
e

Me:heygor
geous

Ipl
aceapeckonhercheek

I
mi:myhear
t.Imi
ssedyou

Weshar
eapr
operki
ss,
ashor
tonebef
oreIpul
l
back
Me:wher
eisyourot
herson?
Her
:upstai
rs.Hehasat
estonMondaysohesays
hei
sstudyi
ng

Lwandi sois19nowanddoi nghi sfirstyearatUP.

Hewant edtolivei naf latandIr efused.hej ust
discover edgirlsandal coholal lthankstoShakaand
heisover doingitnow.Besi dest hat,
itsnicetohave
allmyki dswi t
hme, althoughi twasqui teabattleto
getI yazihere.Idi dn'tsleepwi thThandit hatday,
notbecauseIdi dn'twantt obutbecauset he
consequencesofi twoul dhavedest royed
everyt hingIhadwor kedt owards.WhenIt oldher
I'
m movi ngtoPr et or
iaandt hatIwantschool
holidayswi t
hIyazisher efused.shet oldmei fI
l
eave, I'
dhavet ogot oDur bant oseemyson.
Ridicul ous.Wegoti ntoahect iccustodybat tl
e,she
l
ostandIl ef
twi thmyson.Hegoest oDur banf oral
l
schoolhol i
days.Thei ntent i
onwasnevert okeep
himf r
om hi smot her
Me:howwasyourday?
Imi:l
ong.Wehaveaneweventt
opl
anf
ormont
h
end.it
sabigone
Me:sol
ateni
ght
sar
ecomi
ngourway?
Her:unfor
tunatel
ybabybutIspoket
oma' Dl
ami
ni
andsheagr eedtoworkasastayinst
art
ing
tomorrow
Me:t
hat
'st
heki
ds.Mna?

Shegivesmeasl ygrint
henshakesherhead.Ilove
ever
ythingaboutthi
swoman,I'
vegrownsomuch
fr
om justhavi
ngherinmylif
eandI'm gl
adImether
whenIdi dbecausehadImetherearl
ier
,Iwould
havescreweditup

Her
:I'
l
lwakeyouupf
oraqui
cki
eever
yni
ght
Me:butyou'
l
lbet
ir
ed
Her
:you'
l
ldoal
lthewor
k
Webot hl
augh.Ileaveherwit
hourdaught erand
headtoourbedroom tochangeintosomething
morecomfort
able.Myphoner ingsjustasI'
m
putt
ingmyshortson.

Me:hel
lo
Sne:Iwantt
oseemysonSabel
o
Me:whatdoest
hathavet
odowi
thme?
Her:youaref
eedi
nghim nonsenseaboutme.He
doesn'tt
akemycal
lsbecauseofyou

Snedoesn' tseem tounderst

andt hatLwandisoisa
grownmannow.Ican' tf
orcehimt otalktoherifhe
doesn'twantt o.Shemustjustacceptt hat
.She
continuesswear i
ngatmeunt i
lIhangup.If i
nish
getti
ngdr essedandgot omyson' sroom.If i
ndhi m
chil
li
ngont hebedwi thI
yazi
.Iwat chthem asthey
havet hei
rconver sat
ionanditsatthatmomentt hat
Ireal
izethatmyl ifei
scompl eteandI'
m happyand
contentwit
hit.It houghtThandiwoul dsavemeand
thenagainIthoughti twouldbethet herapy.I
ttook
meawhi l
etor ealizet
hatIwasbr okenandt hat
heali
ngissomet hingthatshoul
dcomef rom wit
hin.
Isavedmysel ffrom myself
*
*
<Sl
indi
le>
Lalel
at hismar r
iedl i
feisamazi ng, youdon' tf
eel
guilt
yf orwaki ngupever ymor ningnextt oapenis.
Likeitsrightther e, youdon' thavet obookan
appoint mentoranyt hingshadyl iket her
e.Mar ri
age
i
sasexbuf fet,Idon' tunder standanyonet hat'
s
againsti t
.Theonl ymesseduppar taboutsexis
thatitbringsbabi es.Wehave3now.Theyar ealla
yearapar t,i
tscr azyandr i
diculousr eall
ybutIlove
myl it
tledemons.Especi al
lymyyoungestone.Hei s
4yearsol dandsuchasweet hear t.Ofcour seheis
darklikehi sfather ,Nel aalsobet rayedmeandt ook
herfather '
scompl exionwhenshegotol der.
Zane:mamapl
easewat
cht
hatmovi
eyoul
ike
Me:whatmovi
eist
his?
Nel
a:t
heoneyouandLal
ali
ke

Theki dscallNtandoLalabecausethat'
sal lIever
callhim andhecal l
smemamaornkosi kaziwami .
The" nkosikaziwami"justmakesmemel tevery
ti
meandsl ightl
ywet.Myhusbandmat ureslikefi
ne
wine, t
hereisjustsomet hi
ngaboutthatbear dofhis
thatdoest hethingstomyvagina.Zane'sfullname
i
sZanempi l
o

Me:whi
chone?
Xhant
i:t
heoneoft
hel
ions.Hakunamat
ata

Il
aughbecauset hat
'st
hei
rfavor
itemovienotmi
ne
orNtando'sbutwewatchi
twiththem ever
yweek.
You'
dt hi
nkaftersomanyyearst
hey'dbeoveri
t
Me:shoul
dn'
twewai
tforLal
a?
Nel
a:uphiyenauLal
akant
imama?

Icont inuel aughi ng.Yonel aisme.I '

m sopr oudof
thisbecauseIcan' twai tforhert ogetol derandwe
canbesavaget oget her.Shei sanononsense
takingyoungl ady, Ilovei t.Ayearaf terwegot
mar riedNt andowasof feredaj obashead
cardiol ogistatWest vi
ll
eHospi talandI '
m st il
la
random nur seatKi ngEdwar dHospi t
al.Hehas
askedmet ost opwor ki
ngandr aisehi skidsandI 've
refusedever yt i
me.I 'mt ooyoungt obebor edwit
h
myl ife, I
'dpr obabl ybecomeanal cohol i
c.I've
upgr adedonmyal cohol ,Idri
nkSavannahoutof
champagnef lutesnow.Leyvel s.Ilettheki dswat ch
LionGuar dwhi l
ewewai tforLal a.AfterKuhl eand
Zahgotmar ried,herandIgotr eal l
yclose.Youneed
tofor m at agt eam ifyoui ntendondef ending
your selfagai nstameddl i
ngmot herinl aw.Ieven
haveayoungsquadoff ri
endsnow.Zah, Thandi,
SimiandJess.Usi thandi l
esailedi ntothesunset
withacer t
aincol leagueofher s.Thatgi rlisli
ving
herbestl
if
erebel
li
ousl
yandunapol
oget
ical
ly.Lal
a
walksinanhourl
ater

Zane:mamabukaLal
aishome
Me:Nel
agoaskyourf
atherf
ormoney
Nel
a:f
orwhat
?
Me:doyounotneedmoney?
Nel
a:nomama,
Idon'
twantt
obuyanyt
hingnow
Me:wr
onganswer
.Goask

Icanfeelmyclitpulsat
ingashiscolognefi
ll
sthe
wholelounge.Ngekeguyst hi
smanl oyadme.
That'
stheonlyexplanationt
othis.I
'
m alwayshorny
aroundhim

Nt
ando:heyguys

Hei
stower
ingovermybody,
Ili
ftmyheadandpout
.
HeknowswhatIwantbuthej
ustpecksmyl
ips

Nel
a:l
alacanIhavepapermoney?
Xhant
i:youcanbutyoumaynot

Yesmyboy.mymoneyi
sn'
twast
edatt
hatpr
ivat
e
school

Nel
a:don'
tannoymeXhant
iandIwasn'
ttal
kingt
o
you

Sheshi
ft
sherfocusonherdadwhoi
slooki
ngat
meandshaki
nghi shead

Me:yi
ni?
Nt
ando:youar
etur
ningmydaught
eri
ntoagol
d
di
gger
Me:Idon'
tknowwhatyouar
etal
kingabout
.Gi
ve
thechil
dwhatshewant
slal
a,yourdaught
eri
s
broke

Hel
aughs

Hi
m:Iswearyougetcr
azi
erwi
thever
ybabyyou
br
ingi
ntot
heworld
Me:t
hatshoul
dteachyout
ost
opmaki
ngbabi
es.
Hi
m:Ist
il
lwantt
womor
enkosi
kazi
wami
Me:yes!

Heconti
nuesl
aughi
ngandI
'
m ashamedofmysel
f
r
eal
ly.

Hi
m:youar
esoEasy
Me:l
eavemeal
oneandcomeher
e.Yourki
dswant
t
owatchLi
onKi
ng
Weallcuddleuponthe3seat
ercouchandwat
ch
opopayi
.Ifeelhi
sli
psont
hesideofmyheadand
tur
ntofacehim

Hi
m:Il
oveyouandt
hankyouf
ort
his
Me:Il
oveyoumor
emysuper
man
Nel
a:Lal
aandmamashhhhhawu

NtandoandIl ookateachot herandlaughsof t

ly.
Wemadet hesekidsandt heysavedusf rom
headingintoadar kspace.Idon'twantt ostart
i
magi ninglifewit
houtmyX, Y,Zandt hei
rfather.
Somet i
mesyoudoneedaher o,youcan'talways
saveyour selfandi t
snotabadt hingorasi gnof
weakness.Acknowl edgingyourweaknesst akes
realstr
engt h,f
all
ingapar ttakestr
uecour ageand
getti
ngbackupt akescour ageandstrength.

*
*TheEnd*
**