Communication

Why
Critical?Are Some People So
by Steven Berglas
March 06, 2014

Harsh critics are often talented, intelligent, and productive people.

Unfortunately, they have a flaw that compels them to disparage others
– almost, at times, as though they are diagnosing an illness in need of
eradication. It seems they’re living according to the famous quip by
Mark Twain: “Nothing so needs reforming as other people’s habits.”
In the language of the self-help and recovery movements, these folks
are often suffering from a disorder known as, “If You Spot It, You Got
It [IYSIYGI].” It works like this: You notice that colleague X has what
is, in your mind, is an affliction. You then take it upon yourself to
castigate him for his affliction — irrespective of whether or not it
impairs his on-the-job performance or has a negative effect on group
morale.
What makes this dynamic so ugly is that unbeknownst to the person
under attack, the critic is being driven to criticize by a repressed-and-
intolerable feeling that he’s “got” what he deplores in others.
For instance, years ago a client of mine and I were having dinner
when he asked if I could help with a dilemma: “Diane, my
comptroller, a woman 100% dedicated to the business, is also nastier
than a junkyard dog. She doesn’t just monitor spending; she beats
people up for what she sees as waste, failure to stick to protocol,
issues with record-keeping… nothing major, but stuff that is
technically wrong. If she assumes you are fudging parts of expense
reports — say, claiming a lunch that’s not 100% business-related —
she’ll attack you like Muhammad Ali in his prime. She assaults my
EVP of sales so regularly, he vows to quit if I don’t fire her.”
My client was not prepared for my response: “I’m willing to bet
Diane’s cooking the books so she can pocket cash.”
After catching his breath, my client took my bet. “Diane’s so honest,
she could be a priest if the Pope allowed women to serve in that role,”
he said.
But within a year, he was obligated to buy me a rare box of Cuban
cigars after losing our bet: it turned out that Diane had been
embezzling funds for 20 years.
That’s an extreme example of IYSIYGI behavior, but whether it’s a
strong or a mild case, it’s a form of what psychologist call projection:
A psychological defense mechanism that enables a person to deny
their own issues by attributing those traits to others. Projection lets
us condemn the traits or we find distasteful, repugnant, or worthy of
punishment. IYSIYGI behaviors are, at times, benign -like me chiding
my wife for leaving countless pairs of shoes around the house while
my bonsai workbench looks like an earthquake hit it— but typically it
is not. Ongoing IYSIYGI assaults can become significant threats to
company morale.
When I bet my client that Diane was engaged in criminal behavior I
was behaving “criminally” as well: Stealing candy from a baby. After
studying IYSIYGI defensive tactics for years I knew that anyone who
evinced hyper-rigid moralism -coupled with an intense bias against
transgressors— was likely to terribly flawed.
In a very real way, Diane and all who condemn others owing to
IYSIYGI drives are caught up in Shakespearean “doth protest too
much” defensiveness. The anxiety that your own component parts are
out of order -not the flaws of someone else— is the emotional pain
that prompts an IYSIYGI attack.
IYSIYGI behavior is a fairly deep-seated problem that needs a
clinician, not a coach, to resolve. That said, there is much that
managers can do to minimize this dynamic on their teams.
The first step is to ignore faultfinders and instead reward problem
solvers. In my opinion, we have become a nation obsessed with
reproach: quick to jump to conclusions, take offense, and chide each
other. The effect on our politics is bad enough, but it’s also been
costly to our companies – and our relationships. Rather than assume
that a problem has been caused by somebody’s ill-will, take a “stuff
happens” attitude and simply ask the person or people closest to the
damage to address it.
The second step is to encourage transparency – and forgiveness. The
simple act of confessing your foibles can be incredibly beneficial. And
learning from your confessor that you are not alone, that you are
more “normal” than you assumed, is a major stress reducer. Finally,
learning to be more patient with your own flaws will help you be
more patient with those of others.
Finally, make sure that negative feedback is always given in the
context of what can be done about it.  Arguably, the worst thing
IYSIGYI critics do is metaphorically curse the darkness while refusing
to light a candle.
One executive who I was hired to coach, a man universally disliked by
his direct reports, kept asking me, as a rhetorical rationale for his
department’s under-performance, “How can I soar with the eagles
while surrounded by turkeys?” I soon tired of this defense and recall
snapping at him, “To hell with soaring… why don’t you just fly out of
the barnyard so we can look at how you can do your job without
justifying failure by fault-finding?” As bad as this intervention was, it
served its purpose in that the executive admitted that he struggled to
relate to his staff — and needed to learn to do so.
Still, in hindsight I wish I’d told that man, “Why not try to free
yourself to soar by adopting the wisdom of Mahatma Gandhi: ‘Hate
the sin, love the sinner.’ If you do, you’ll be amazed at how rarely your
direct reports interfere with your flight plans.”

SB
A faculty member of Harvard Medical School’s
Department of Psychiatry and staff member of
McLean Hospital for 25 years, Dr. Steven Berglas
is now an executive coach and corporate
consultant based in Los Angeles, CA.