June 13, 2018

I saw a guy today whose reflection is that of a High Priest of Ra. People saw his
reflection and freaked out, either wanting to kill him or run in fear of him. He
ran off before I got much information.

I stopped by Sinclair Surplus while my Darkvision was still going and met another
guy, Altair. He seems to be the same thing the High Priest is, and is much more
forthcoming with information. The priest just lied and poorly. I put the info out
about the priest but not Altair; I plan to go back and see Altair and ask some
questions.

There's something...terrifying about Altair. It's like he lives his life wound
around a giant steel trap and does everything he can not to let it snap shut on
someone. He doesn't even keep ammo in his shop, I think because he's afraid he's
going to lose it and go on a killing spree. However, he seems very friendly.
Altair also mentioned a word beginning with S that describes both of the two
supernaturals, but I don't remember what it was.

If I end up liking Wong's, Altair is the one who told me about it.

Also, I got Cynthia the rucksack. Hopefully she'll use it, but she's impossible to
shop for! Altair even told me how to get it dyed purple, so we'll see how that
goes.

Professor Sherbert is back for Math class tomorrow. Totally not looking forward to
that.

June 14, 2018

Some of the people on Hunter-Net are really bloodthirsty.

I mean, yes, the guy is creepy and a liar. Something about him makes whole mobs of
people want to kill him. Does that mean that I have to be the one to do it?

It seems like my powers are Scout class. I can retry actions with a little bit of
time variance and have really good vision. Maybe my job is supposed to be finding
things so that others know what to do, and putting together as much information as
I can.

Even if I decide this guy needs to die, what can I pull off that an entire mob of
people couldn't do? In every book and movie, ancient means powerful, and Dad
always said that you don't wound something you don't intend to kill. I think that
applies for monsters as well as animals.

I have to figure things out and be sure.

On a barely related note, Courtney got a Louis Vitton bag from Brittany, which is
apparently what she wanted after all. My rucksack isn't going to cut it, but at
least I found out before giving it to her. I'm sorry I only have so much
scholarship money. What am I going to get her before her birthday comes up?

Hopefully Altair will still take the rucksack back even though I already bleached
it. I guess I'll find out.

Also, I am so sick and tired of Professor Sherbert. It's not that I'm not trying,
it's just...it's so hard to keep the numbers straight when they don't even mean
anything! And I refuse to go the short skirt route of getting an A. I'm still
really smart. I'd rather fail than demean myself that way. I can handle one bad
grade and still keep my scholarship.

June 15, 2018

So much happened!

First, I got the bag refunded. Altair is really nice. Wells came back again, I
tried to hide, that didn't go very well. I thought for sure that I didn't really
know what I was doing.

So then I met up with Lynnette, there was some confusion there, I'm pretty sure
she's Scout-class like me. Her buddy Patriot is definitely Striker-class, no
question about it.

Patriot must have shot Wells down, but I was able (!!) to keep things from going
bad with Altair. Originally I figured I'd just have to lock up the shop for him.
And he explained so much.

Apparently he's a mummy, and he's fighting against the Servants of Set, which are
apparently evil kinds of monsters who don't care about the Balance. It boils down
to that he's ultimately a good guy and trying to keep ordinary people safe as well.
I mentioned a few things but didn't give any info about Hunter Code or Hunter-Net.
Those are things I'm never going to share. The rest is fairly straightforward.

The next question is whether I can keep the other hunters from trying to fight a
war they can't win. If people start really fighting against Altair, I don't think
they can win. It's like cracking a video game if Altair has infinite lives, even if
he loses his temper just once...

I think Lynnette gets it. We can't win this through brute force and strength of
arms. Honestly, if mummies police their own whenever they start being evil, that's
good enough for me. Whenever I find another mummy, I'll just make sure Altair knows
about them.

It was a good night. I feel...powerful, like I made a dent. Hopefully I can keep
doing that.

June 17, 2018

I may need to stop playing Fly or Die VII.

I used to always play Observers, the Scout-class ship with no respawn time that has
to find the enemy ships and keep everyone else on the right track. The thing is, I
ran straight into the encroachment and pinged about a dozen enemy ships when I
realized something.

I don’t get a respawn. If I die, that’s it. I’m picking up horrible reflexes and
trigger responses to how to act and how to respond to situations, and they could
get me killed.

The thing is, Observer is my favorite. I love finding things. I love getting XP
when all the things I found get used. It feels like my purpose. I hate waiting
around after respawns and flying through lots of empty air. I hate playing Voyager
ships for that very reason.
If I don’t play right, though, why am I playing Observer? You’re supposed to die a
lot, and get right back up and keep at it. I wonder if that’s what it’s like for
Altair.

Maybe it’s only just starting to hit me just how much actual danger I’m in on a
regular basis. Or maybe a little jealous I don’t have respawn. I don’t know.

Maybe I just need to play a different game.

June 18, 2018 - Morning Entry

I had a dream last night about two giants. Giants in the playground from Babylon
5: two big monsters that just want to destroy each other and don't really care who
gets in the way.

My dad always said that if you're fighting two giants, you get them to fight each
other. That's what the dream means. That's the simplest and most obvious
solution. However, that's not what I want to happen.

For one, any extended battle between Altair and any number of hunters is going to
end with Altair victorious. Rule of respawn: do it a thousand times and eventually
you get it right. The hunters only have to get butterfingers once.

I think Altair is special among the mummies as well. He seems to understand

humanity well enough, even better than the other ones I've met. He's more honest
and forthcoming. Apparently that makes him special among his kind, even. Maybe
the others can't be saved either. I don't know.

I'm of two minds about the Amenti. If they'll work with us and be front line
soldiers, I'm very happy with that. But what happens when the war is over? I keep
pushing that off, trying not to think about it. My hope is that when the servants
of Set stop, the Amenti get to rest in peace as well. "Until the job is done." It
seems cruel to make anyone live forever. The thing is, I don't know if anyone else
will see it that way.

There's just no arguing with Patriot1113, the guy Altair calls "Cletus." In all
likelihood, he will get himself killed. Some small, probably evil part of me is
okay with that. I'm not his mom and I don't have any responsibility to him.

The thing that scares me, though: what if I need him one day and he isn't there?
Is Altair really worth a hundred Patriot1113s?

What if there are actual vampires that likewise fight their nature the way Altair
does?

Also, I noticed something. My tattoo doesn't say Friend anymore. Maybe it never
did, or I misread it. It just says Hunter now.

When I first got the tattoo, I wanted to meet others like me. Now, I've met two,
and I'm afraid to even try to contact them. They're so focused on just destroying.
Maybe Lynnette isn't, or maybe she's like me, where she just has no idea what to
say to convince Patriot1113.

I can't abandon them. I know that. If they need help, I'll come help them.
However, I can't just wholeheartedly accept and trust their judgment the way I do
with Altair. They have even less of an understanding of what's going on than I do.
Altair has everything through the Egyptian prism - which may or may not be fully
accurate, I don't know. Ptah the Great Maker sure sounds an awful lot like the One
True God who made EVERYTHING. Anubis could serve as the angel of death.

The funny thing is, none of that even matters. What matters is what we do with the
limited options we even have.

Maybe after Wells gets free, Lynnette will be more willing to listen to me. Maybe
I can get her to ask questions for me with her lie detector powers. I don't know.

I have so many questions and I'm not even close to getting all the answers.

June 19, 2018 - Afternoon Entry

I ended up giving in for Professor Sherbert's class.

I can't get polynomials, and if he's going to give me an A just for dressing up in
his class, I'd rather dress up and get an A if the alternative is failing and maybe
losing my scholarship.

I feel like a plastic Barbie doll, but what are my choices? I can't give up the
Hunt. I can't figure out polynomials.

I always knew I'd have to start making choices with my life and figure out what all
is really important to me. Hopefully it won't get any worse than this.

At least he didn't mock me for it. He just had that sort of triumphant smile he
always does.

It just doesn't feel that important when I realize that there's monsters out there.
June 20, 2018

So much happened today.

It started off with Jen having one of her "I'm not gorgeous" days and we all had to
head down to the beach. I finally wore that tan bikini and I even got a few looks
Smile Altair was there as well, and apparently he does Tai Chi. He's going to teach
me.

We got started with that when Camilla came out of the water. This little girl,
extremely pale, apparently a Revenant straight out of D&D. She went after a bunch
of blood servants, but I had a hard time piecing that together at the time.
Apparently they killed her and her mom, and probably worse. I was all sorts of
freaking out and Altair had to tell me not to step in and start shooting.

One of them mentioned a name: Ibrahim Hoseph, said he was a vampiric prince. So
maybe vampires have royalty. I'm not sure yet. We still have so little information.
After that, Camilla went off downtown.

That's when we met Sanosuke Yukimaru. He's a werewolf, and I even saw him change
into hybrid form. Apparently he's fresh from Japan because his sister was raped by
another werewolf, so his niece is sort of albino and trapped in the hybrid form
until she can hit puberty, so he has to keep her secret and safe.

This is just like that D&D campaign a few years ago where we met the orc babies and
nobody wanted to attack them even if they'd logically grow up to be bad orcs. Of
course he never wants her mentioned to anyone and of course I'm not going to. He
scares me, though. Altair has some trouble keeping his emotions in check, but I
never feel like he's actually going to hurt me. Yukimaru...I'm not honestly sure.
Some small, dark, stupid part of me is actually tempted to try to get silver
bullets, not because I want him dead, but because he's scary and I'm afraid he's
going to turn on me. I don't think I could do that to him anyway, though. I almost
invited him to my Fly or Die Seven guild, but he probably wouldn't be interested,
especially if he has trouble reading English.

While we were at Horizons Construction, Altair said vampire a little too loudly and
everyone looked. So I did what I did when Tomi was too loud about killing orcs: I
started talking about a different video game. The funny thing is: it worked.
Easily. Scarily easily, in fact. I realize some people lie all the time, and
monsters certainly do, but it's frightening just how easy it can be to do.

It might be something I have to learn to do. I'm definitely going to have to learn
more fighting. At least shooting. I don't know if I'll be able to actually handle a
monster if the time comes, but I'm sure I'll have to try before the end.

Also I MET SAMANTHA BURNS! And she let me get a selfie! That by itself makes up for
so much. I'm kind of surprised she's a mummy, except...maybe all the celebrities
are supernatural. It would make sense. It's hard to believe that Paris Hilton is a
real person. She seems nice, but I didn't really get to talk to her. I was kind of
fangirling but I don't think I embarrassed myself too badly.

So Ibrahim is actually a mummy, not a vampire. My guess is that either the ghoul
lied or, what feels more likely to me, their master told them false information.

Eventually I need to ask Altair why other mummies are a problem. If they follow the
balance, why would they just attack someone like me? Is it that I know too much?

So often I just feel completely over my head, running around trying to do

everything but not being smart enough to even handle a simple math class. Maybe I
need to take a few days off and really try to catch up on things. I don't know.

And yet I feel like I'm getting close. Things are starting to make a little more
sense. I've met five different mummies now, a werewolf, a werespider, a revenant,
several blood slaves...

The funny thing is, I have people to call if things look like they need destroyed,
but I feel more confident calling them than I do other hunters. I feel like that
should sound crazy to say, but I trust them more, and know where I stand with them.

Of course, I also trust Altair a lot more than Sanosuke. And I don't care what Jen
says; I absolutely do not have a crush on him.

I'm thinking of stocking alcohol in the fridge. I know my roommate will probably
steal them, but I feel like it'd be worth buying a six pack just to have one right
now. I'm scared to get drunk again when I'm out and maybe have something happen,
but why should that be the only thing that scares me? It's not like anything else
about this makes any sense.

Maybe I'll look up some stuff online about Tai Chi and surprise Altair the next
time I meet up with him.

Then again, maybe I'll just crawl under a rock for a week and catch up on all my
studying...

June 28th, 2018

I got a text from Lynnette. Wells escaped. She's freaking. I told her to
specifically ask about the Satanic stuff and check him for lies when she talks to
him again and she refused. At this point, she feels completely worthless unless I
want a Kill on Sight order on a target, and even then, I can get Altair and
Yukimaru to handle things. How can I have more faith in them than I do in my own
kind? But I do.

The given assumption for most hunters seems to be that we can just completely
remove the supernatural from the equation. However, if they've really existed
since before humanity, the way it sounds like with some of these conversations, is
that even really realistic? If they fight against things we don't even really
understand, I feel like a metaphorical child who locks his parents outside to avoid
a spanking. We are obviously woefully unprepared to deal with the things that the
monsters fight against.

Altair can't die, and Yukimaru seems to spend every hour of his life itching for a
fight. If Lynnette dies, it'll always be on my conscience. I'm pretty sure it's
only a matter of time with the other guy, except...I feel like I need to do
something, be smarter and save him somehow.

I've always been the smart one, but there's just so much here, and it's on top of
trying to keep everything straight in college. College is so hard, and every year,
the courses get tougher. But hopefully I'll be done soon and can just graduate.
I've already got a few ideas for various games to support myself after that.

My friends are being torn away. I may just have to accept that. It hurts, but
it's actually easier to talk to the unnaturals about things than my actual friends.
Part of me is scared that either one of them will hear the things that Jen spouts
off and be seriously offended.

Is it really supposed to be my job to try to figure out how to get everyone to get
along? But maybe that's exactly my job and I just haven't pieced all that together
yet. Maybe the only actual way to defeat things like the Centipede is with
everyone working together in concert.

One thing is certain: other hunters are even worse than I am about revealing
themselves, and word travels quickly.

If it even becomes possible to defeat all the things like Set and the Centipede,
and all we have left are the conventional unnaturals, I'm not convinced that
everyone will continue to live in peace and harmony. Then again, maybe by that
point, my job will be done, and someone smarter than me - and younger, by that
point - will take up the mantle.

Or maybe I'm one of these Yama Kings and don't even realize it.

June 30th, 2018

I met another Hunter last night. Definitely Striker-class, seems a lot more full of
judgment and vengeance, like Frank Castle. He seems really nice, though. He has his
life a lot more together than I do.

Of course, I'm not really supposed to have a lot of free time right now, due to
finishing up college.

Maybe I really am trying too hard with all this. I don't know. It's pretty obvious
that I don't know what I'm doing.
He even offered to let me stay at his house for a while after I finish college. My
first thought at the time was tactical: having a place that a bunch of us can
fortify if the monsters come. Sad thing is: I don't think it'll ever really work
that way. Maybe a safe house somewhere would be a good idea, but I think we have to
worry just as much about the police suddenly coming and knocking down the door,
especially if the monsters really do control the government like I've read on
Hunter-Net.

I also freaked out about his dog. I was focused in on trying to pick up the Tai Chi
and just didn't see him coming. Sometimes that worries me. I can study in the
middle of a crowded bar by just concentrating, but what happens if I actually need
to do something during that time? What if I get attacked and I'm just not paying
attention?

I downloaded all my books that I could onto my tablet, though. I need to study
more. I can get away with not worrying about math, but my other classes aren't
exactly easier.

At least the stupid report is done.

I'm going to try out the Devastator ship again. It's slow, it's boring, but if I'm
not supposed to die, that feels less scary somehow. How silly is that?

July 3, 2018

I'm starting to understand that I'm not really a Scout-class.

People like Sanosuke and Samuel, they're more Scout-class. Scout-class goes hand in
hand with Soldier-class. Search and destroy. That's why hunting things down comes
so naturally to Sanosuke and Samuel actually has a power that can track things
down.

I'm just wasting Sanosuke's time trying to call him up and ask for things. Most
likely he's out there hunting things all the time without us. That may or may not
be true of Samuel as well.

I do want to contribute. I just don't know how. I learn best by example, seeing a
bunch of things happen and finding a pattern. What information I do get, though,
tends to be confusing. It's not that people like Altair aren't trying; it's just
that there's so much to handle.

Sometimes I feel like I'm more like a freaking Librarian, except there's so little
I can even write down and categorize.

Is a Librarian even useful to anyone? Or am I just lucky I haven't been killed off
yet?

July 6, 2018

Two new unnaturals in Port Sinclair. One...I don't know what he is, but he's some
kind of shapechanger. Apparently he's from the future, has cybernetics. Port
Sinclair will be destroyed in 2112, Japan in 2235. He's from 2257, and if I
understood correctly, that's when everything ends. I don't even know what to make
of that...except, some part of me feels grateful it's so much later after I'll
already be dead and gone. Advances in medicine, sure, but I can't imagine them
fixing aging.
Even if they did, I don't want to live forever. I don't know what comes after
death, but honestly? I want to find out.

The other one is a judged and found wanting mummy named Vivian. I think you spell
it Uja-sen. She has complete amnesia of her modern-day life, which means that
whatever piece of the soul is connected to memories is real. So that explains near
death experiences to at least some degree. She's spent the last year living in
Egypt, although I didn't put the connection together about how women get treated.
So I guess mummies themselves don't have all that much in the way of wealth. I'd
figured gold and being dirt rich and everything. Shows what I know.

She has to learn everything cultural all over again. Even pizza and beer were new
to her. So I've raided my DVD collection. I think she'll be in for an awesome
surprise.

I also really talked up Altair. So he really is an aberration among his kind in

going out of his way to try to be nice. That makes me really sad. I want to believe
that at least most of the unnaturals have...I don't know, some redeeming factor?
Altair absolutely does. So does Vivian, at least as much of her as I've seen. I
still kinda believe that about Vrana, but then, I have to admit I don't really know
her.

Altair and Vivian have both talked about wanting to rest when their task is done.
Maybe that's the difference. Is it like that for Camilla? Will it be like that
after she gets her vengeance? If all a ghost wants is to finish its unresolved
business, that should be a no-brainer that you help send it on and don't just
destroy its soul. If it's even its soul you'd be destroying at that point.

If everything gets destroyed in a few hundred years, though...is that my purpose?

It goes hand in hand with what Sanosuke talked about. Others have said how the
masses of normals can't really find out, but...it's going to happen at some point
within the next two hundred years, won't it? Unless they blame it all on
earthquakes and volcanoes. Have the politicians done that before? How would I even
know?

It feels like, when I'm talking to someone, I'm soaking in everything to remember
it as well as I can, to notice it all. Late at night, with my roommate asleep, I
just have questions and no answers.

Maybe wanting to believe that things can be stopped, that a world can even exist
without supernaturals, is ridiculously short-sighted. I'd never be able to convince
any other hunter of that, though. Ever.

Of course, if that's true, then the mummies will never get to rest either. They've
signed on literally for an eternity of servitude to their judges of Ma'at, and even
if they give up and just want peace, Altair said they wouldn't remove the spell.

Why would anyone ever really want to live forever?

July 7th, 2018

When you hear another girl talk about how nice it is to finally have another girl
around in movies and games, it always sounds sexist. What, are they really so
different? Are all men horrid pigs? It always sounded so stupid.

Having had a chance to really just talk to Vivian, though, I kind of feel what they
mean. There's not a lot of people that even know about the supernatural that I can
even talk to to begin with. Altair is nice, but he's...stiff, kind of like Samuel
is, except Samuel isn't scary. I should have taken Samuel up on the offer to talk
to his friend who knows about everything, I guess. And I absolutely can't talk to
Sanosuke. Eventually I'm just going to break down and cry when talking to Sanosuke,
and that will completely humiliate me and I won't be able to face him again.

But Vivian I can talk to. She has all kinds of horrible things that make boys and
math professors feel insignificant, but she cares that I have problems also. No
problem I can ever have will be as big as Sanosuke's entire world, and I realize
that logically, but I'm still hurting. And of course I feel so pathetic as being
the one with human problems dealing with the unnaturals with their horrible
problems like a hunted niece or being sent repeatedly to death's door just because
the judges of Ma'at didn't like you for some reason.

The hilarious solution I had is to just talk to a therapist about it all. I'd be
locked up for certain, but at least I'd get to talk to someone.

Also, I met a boy. His name is Duncan. I was wearing my Diablo 2 shirt and he
started talking to me about Diablo 3, asking why I didn't like 3. I went into all
the problems, and he had reasons for each (other than the story!) but it was so
nice to just talk to someone about things I could get.

Eventually I realized how drunk I was, and I told him about how I have weird
friends and I keep lots of secrets. He just kind of laughed. I don't think he got
the hint that I wanted to push him away. Maybe I don't want to push him away. I
don't know.

I feel like I'm leading him on. Maybe I am. I don't know. I don't know what I'm
feeling anymore.

I don't want to have to deal with school anymore but I'm so afraid of what life
will be like when I get out. I started work on a few programs but I don't know how
well they'll actually work. At least I can hope things will work out.

If not, there's always Samuel's couch...

July 8, 2018

I had the chance to get answers from a Lantern, someone who I'm guessing is some
kind of Empress of the shapechangers. And I threw it away because I'm not willing
to bind my soul to a magic rock.

There's so much to say about that, so much that that says about me. I am so many
things, but I'm not willing to completely martyr myself to this cause.

I'm going to call Duncan tomorrow. I need to put a Classified out, but I need to
make sure I get the wording right. Thursday seems best. I just have to woman up.
I've done it before, it's just...hard. Like something inside me is breaking. Or I'm
not really me when I do.

Maybe that's just part of growing up. I never thought I'd be anything like I am
when I was five years old. That little girl would be horrified at all the secrets I
try to keep. But I still hate keeping them.

Unless the five year old girl is another part that needs to grow up and I should
have taken the magic rock deal, and yet, everything in me says that that isn't
true.
July 9, 2018

I finally met up with Duncan today. We went to see Ant Man and the Wasp. Been
looking forward to it but it was a disappointment. I guess anything would be after
Infinity War, though.

Which I think parallels my life. Having things be normal and boring seems like it
would be nice. In reality, it's normal and boring. I can't talk to him about any of
the things I want to. So much is bothering me and he could tell, and I didn't want
to discuss it.

Of course, it wasn't perfect. Why would he think I'd want to go back to his dorm
room after just one date? I really hope there hasn't been something spreading about
my reputation. That is the last thing I need.

Math test tomorrow, but I've been dressing up, so I don't have to study for it. I
don't want to study, either. I just want to veg out on Fly or Die Seven for a
while. They say to pick your battles, right? No more math after this. Ever.

July 10, 2018

One of the other hunters burned down a family's house.

In all likelihood, Samuel is right. It was just the one kid, 12 years old, probably
figured out some occult stuff. I'll never know because I'll never get to talk to
the kid, unless the kid is a ghost and ghosts can be talked to.

So that means one of the hunters is a monster and needs to be taken down. That
means I'll be taking down another hunter. I was always scared of what would happen
if I had to cross that line. It's probably going to happen.

I think Samuel is going to be my confessor from now on. When I'm unsure about
something, I'll ask him about it. He told me that I'm just using the other
monsters. I don't really want to believe that, but I think maybe it's true.

Except that I already can't tell him that they don't feel like the Enemy. They feel
like friends who are going through awful things just like I am and need help.
Vivian has been through so much traumatic stuff and I collapse just because I won't
take the steps where she doesn't even hesitate.

Of course, Vivian has people who can tell her what to do. What if I'm the leader?
What if I'm the one who's supposed to figure everything out and decide on a course
of action? Samuel said Controller-class, and I've played enough fourth edition to
know. What if I'm actually Leader-class? Except I can't heal anyone.

The scary part is that it feels like I do know the answers, I just can't bring
myself to accept them. Altair and Vivian will know when they need to rest, and that
isn't yet. Fang Mingxiao simply cannot handle this by herself with only her own
people. Shapechangers don't need guns the way people do, so stockpiling weapons
means you have mundane requirements. Not to mention she almost certainly doesn't
have enough people on this little island who can even use them.

My plan with Fang Mingxiao is to ask her to change and see if I go insane. Maybe I
will. If so, there's not much point to me even hunting anyway. I was terrified when
she came in after I recognized what she was, which isn't a good sign. Sanosuke
mentioned ancestral memory, so I guess maybe my ancestors were hunted by dragons.

One thing I do know, though: completely innocent people are off limits. If I'm
crossing a line by hunting a hunter, then the other hunter crossed a line first by
killing innocent people. The same rules have to apply. We can't think of ourselves
as different or special, or we're already lost.

And maybe that's why I can't try to classify myself, either. If I'm a leader, and I
think of myself that way, I'm going to think of myself as different and special.

July 11, 2018

I think wererats exist. I hate rats. Apparently that's going to be a thing, though.
I just have to deal with it, I guess.

Fang Mingxiao sent a messenger saying that she wasn't to be summoned like some
peasant. That wasn't my intention, of course. I think she knew that, but how else
could I give a message? Remmy outright refused. I think I did the best I could for
a Plan B.

If I'm right, she wants what all dragons want: to just be treated with respect.
It's more important to play along. Part of me thinks I should thank Professor
Sherbert for teaching me that lesson.

Jen called me about the Homage, so going out. I'll add to this when I get home.

---

I think I met some guy. I can't remember. It's fuzzy. His name is Val. He's really
nice but I don't understand a lot of what he was saying. His name was Val. He gave
me a card but I can't find it.

My friends ditched me. I know I deserve it because of how I keep leaving them to go
talk to unnaturals. I guess they figured Val was the same way. So maybe they think
I'm just boy crazy. That's really sad but it explains a lot.

Val said that I probably just need better friends. Or I need to talk to them and
make things work. I don't know. I like how things are but maybe they can't stay
like they are. WIll we even hang out anymore after college? Almost certainly not.

Going to bed. Sherbert tomorrow. What a surprise I'll get another A. I feel like
such a sellout.

July 12, 2018

Talked to Fang. I worked really hard at it but I think I did a lot better this
time.

I had to drink unnatural tea. I did. It didn't stain me. I had...

Wait, I didn't HAVE Darkvision going. Is the Sight different from Darkvision? It
must be. I didn't think it was.

Anyway, she wants us to kill a drug-dealing were-something who's named Zhuyin Tao.
I thought I heard someone humming the Jaws theme. Why is it always the creepiest of
things, like dragons, wolves, spiders, rats, sharks? If it's a pattern, the other
really creepy things are snakes, scorpions, centipedes...

...I bet you all the centipede ones are evil.

In Shadowrun, after you help the person in power, one of two things happens. Either
they keep you around because you're helpful and you can deal with things that they
can't, or they decide that you know too much and you're suddenly disposable.
Except, I can't honestly see that happening with Ms. Fang. She knows I'm really
trying to be respectful and all; I'm just not very good at it.

I know that I'm disposable, but it's obviously hard to stop mummies for good. If I
got killed off for a really stupid reason, I think Altair would let Samuel know the
story there, and things would get crazy. Everything seems like it'd be better not
to have us fighting. And not having drugs being sold is a huge bonus.

Before we start, I'm going to have to take a look at him. Silver might kill him,
but if some things are silver and gold, there could be all sorts of rules. I'm
going to have to ask Altair privately to make up all the special metals based on
the celestial bodies. Let me look those up for reference.

Gold Sun
Silver Moon
Quicksilver Mercury
Copper Venus
Iron Mars
Tin Jupiter
Lead Saturn

Thankfully lead is easy ^_^

I don't know if other planets are involved or if it's a coincidence, but I'll bet
more money that something is hurt by copper than that something is hurt by
platinum. Unless the reason such metals are so hard to find on Earth is because
they keep a huge stockpile hidden away.

If I drank the tea and nothing bad happened, I guess I can drink the healing vial
and nothing bad will happen, either. That would be stuff that affects the body. The
tea was meant to affect the Khabit - which must be similar with werewolves and
mummies, the id - and mine is just so normal that it didn't have an effect.

Unless I really am blessed by angels and they protect me.

Also, I have to figure out things with trying to help Vivian. She was always there
when I was freaking out. I just don't know what I can do.

July 13, 2018

I almost died today. I didn't really expect Friday the 13th to be an actual thing.

Fred wanted me to look up various stuff. I did, and while I was on it, the Marlboro
Man showed up. He filled the room with smoke and my lungs...I don't even know how
to describe it. It was like I smoked twenty packs a day for twenty years all at
once.

I remember Vivian's voice. She gave me something to drink. I knew exactly what it
was and I drank it anyway. I guess it's not even a thing anymore. Any other hunter
is going to say that I'm slipping. I probably am.

When I first met Remmy, he called me a chatterbox and asked me if I caw. I met one
of the wereravens - at least, that's what I think she was. She really likes shiny
things, so I'm keeping a bunch of shiny pennies in my purse, along with salt now,
and some USB Flash Drives.

I'm going to get a cheap printer to keep at Sinclair Surplus as well. I shouldn't
keep handing out my tablet.
I understand why the werewolves want to kill these things so bad as soon as they
find them. Part of me honestly wants the exact same thing, even before I can study
it. This thing is pure evil.

When I was a little girl, I hated bees. They stung you and they hurt you. Now I
know: if all bees disappeared, the world would fall into collapse.

If the hunters are going to completely eradicate all monsters from the Earth, we
need to have some way to deal with all the things that they deal with. That's just
pretty definitive at this point. I know not everyone will see it that way, but it's
true.

Except that I've already met someone from the future, and things only get worse.

If we assume that time can be changed, though, it seems likely that I never would
have met Ms. Fang without Remmy saying "Dragon" so much. That puts everything on my
shoulders.

The funny thing is, I feel a kind of relief that the task may be impossible. That
way, it's not my fault if I can't do it. I'm only human. But my actions could still
be the ones that make a difference.

If this Emerald Mother really only picked one single person out of the future to
send back, it'd make sense to send him to someone like me.

Wow, does that sound arrogant when I read it...

July 14, 2018

I failed a test today. Thankfully it was a minor one.

I'm not going to try to describe Warehouse 96. I'll remember it for the rest of my
life. This journal is only for me so I can keep everything straight. No one else
needs the nightmares.

Everything else I handled so well. Talking to the prostitutes. Not freaking out and
crying. Altair was a champ as well. He kept it together. We even got some weapons
out of it.

When we had everything, I figured Ms. Fang would be able to use the information,
but she already knew. She knew and wanted him destroyed because of it.

I'm trying to figure that part out. In all likelihood, it's just a test. She gave
it to us to watch us work about a known quantity. But maybe their own courts don't
have any sort of system for dealing with this kind of thing. I don't know.

It seems like Ms. Fang is in trouble. She mentioned not being allowed to leave her
house or the restaurant. I can't help but feel it's because of us, that we're not
doing well enough for her standards and expectations.

And I know why: caution. I'm the human one. I'm the one who can break. I have to be
the most careful because I can shatter. Of course I'm going to learn and show
restraint.

Except...I failed. I hate failing.

I should feel like I'm doing okay. I should feel great. Hopefully I'm just still
sick to my stomach after everything in Warehouse 96.
I don't want to sleep. I don't want to dream. I don't want to see it again.

How can people be involved in that kind of thing?! Unnaturals I can understand.
Some of the casual stuff, sure. Our legal system is pretty bad. I need a silencer.

And I'm already doing it. I'm making rules that I don't expect to follow.

Here's the rule. No children as sex toys. Just no.

Duncan called. He wants to know why I didn't want to hang out with him all weekend.
I told him I reminded him about how I have secrets. He just sighed. It's already
doomed, but I don't have the heart to call it off yet. Maybe I'll talk to him again
after he calms down.

I should still be worth what little I can offer, right?

July 16, 2018

Something awful occurred to me as I walked home from Sinclair Surplus.

If I wanted to kill off a lot of the monsters, it's a stupid move to try to get
them to work together peacefully. The Western Werewolves are all but ready to just
start killing anyone and everyone. It would be easy to direct them towards targets.

If I did that, of course, the truly evil stuff would remain.

Hunters don't even see very far up the ladder yet. They have so little information.
Right above humans on the food chain are things like vampires, werewolves, and so
on, but there's even higher than that. The Marlboro Man was something much worse.
I'm sure other Hunters have met things like that, but they never survived, never
got to tell anyone.

Unless I did. Unless it was one of the things that was making people sick at my
Imbuing.

I finally talked to Sanosuke. I don't think it ever even occurred to him how I was
feeling. That should bother me, but then, he's going through all kinds of things I
can't understand also.

I wanted to ask him more about Ms. Fang, to make sure things were put into plain
English so I could understand, to find out if that kowtow I looked up online is
good or if it's just embarrassing myself.

I should have asked him more about hunting things.

I should have asked him a lot of things.

And, of course, if I did, it would have just been all over the place again without
any focus. I do that a lot. But I think I'm getting better.

I need to talk to Altair as well, but I don't know how. I think I just have to DO
it, the way I did with Sanosuke. I just don't want to hurt his feelings is all. But
then, I don't think I hurt Sanosuke's feelings at all. I don't think it even
computed. Maybe Altair is the same way.
I should write up a note and set it to send out in seven days in case I don't make
it back from Warehouse 96.

I should, but even after typing that, I realize I won't. It becomes real if I do
that. I don't know if I'll even be able to bring myself to walk inside if it
becomes real. I can't break, can't cry, or I'll just be a liability.

It's not like I could ever write a letter that would really explain anyway. I'll
just apologize to Courtney that I've been such a spazz lately. She knows I've been
having a hard time, even if she tends to be self-absorbed. She knows what it takes
for me to dress up for Professor Sherbert's class.

If I do end up in Heaven, I know I'm going to miss my unnatural friends. What hurts
so much is that I know they'll never meet me there.

July 18th, 2018

I thought about explaining how things went in my journal. I think it's better if I
don't, just in case it's ever found and used against me. Instead, I'll focus on
what I'm feeling.

Regarding the pervert...honestly, I feel powerful, like justice was done. I started
to panic towards the end, I know, but I like to think of that as just tactical.

The rest...I need to read through the other THING'S journal. I'm horrified to do
that. But I'm going to have to, and I'm going to need to post the information. I'm
not looking forward to that, but it has to be done.

What's really important, though? The kids are safe. The people that did this, at
least a lot of them, are gone. I won't say everything went perfectly, but - a day
later, with time to process - I'm happy they went as well as they did.

We made a difference. We'll make more. We can do this.

July 22, 2018 - Morning Entry #1

A lot has happened the last few days, and I haven't had my computer to explain.
I'll start at the beginning.

I've had the exact same dream for the last few nights, ever since I read through
some of the pages of that vampire's journal. That's three nights now. I just hope
it's not for much longer.

I'm on an operating table in a street clinic in the year 2065. The nurse isn't my
mom at all but she kind of reminds me of my mom because she soothes me. She asks me
want I want to be. I tell her insistently, "Not Shen," and she giggles to show that
it's okay and that she gets that all the time.

"If you don't want to be Shen," she says, "you don't have to be. It's okay. Now,
what do you really want?"

I start out wanting to be able to fight the monsters. Wired Reflexes, having parts
of your neural system replaced so that the world seems to slow down into bullet
time. A forearm replacement to put a submachine gun between wrist and elbow.
Internal air tank so I don't keep running out of breath all the time.
I hunt the monsters, and I get good at it. But life is meaningless because I
haven't been able to do the things I want. So I get more.

Pheromones. Facial nanoplastics. Something like the kind of eyes Victor has; it's
hard to explain. I make sure those can see in the dark so I don't have to worry
about Darkvision, but since that's automatic, I don't even need it anymore. I've
already learned all there is to know about finding and hunting the monsters, so it
doesn't matter.

At that point, I'm so beautiful that it even makes Courtney jealous. Guys flock to
me. I find the perfect one. But I'm still not happy.

I'm imaginative. Everyone knows that. If I can be ANYTHING, I want wings. I know
how stupid that looks, just written out. Who doesn't want to be able to fly?

I don't need to go into any more details - even if I ever show Dave this, it'll
only look repetitive after all that - but after I'm done, I see my old eyes, and
realize I haven't been able to check with Darkvision for some time. I hold them in
my hand, and realize I easily could check just by having them...but I don't want
to. I already know I'm Shen. I have been for a very long time. And that's when I
wake up.

I shouldn't want these things. It's not supposed to matter to me. But I can't look
into the mirror and see me, though. All I see is a bug-eyed alien whose lips are
way too big, and every time I look, I want so badly to see the face of the girl
with the nanoplastics. Of course I never do, but all I see is the flaws, so I try
to fix my face up some with makeup. That doesn't work either - I look better
without adding makeup - and inevitably I add too much.

Some women live their entire lives this way. I can't. It's not me. I keep trying to
force myself to stop and make things go back to normal.

The only way I could even make sense of the journal was to try to think on things
in cyberpunk terms, and it makes way too much sense. I gave a copy of the journal
to Victor; he said he'd check through it and figure things out.

I hate that I'm not stronger and more capable of dealing with this. I'm supposed to
be the one who figures things out. Right now it feels like I'm just good with
computers and that's about it. I have to be more useful.

Breakfast is on; I'll write more later.

July 22, 2018 - Morning Entry #2

So, the long and short of the afternoon of Friday is that I embarrassed myself by
continuing to dress up, then helped Victor and Vivian learn how to shoot and look
into places. Thankfully they didn't actually buy a place.

Around midnight, everything went nuts. I got a call from Altair that we all had to
leave the island. I sent texts to everyone on the island that I could how unsafe
things were. We rushed to Sinclair Surplus, and as stupid as this sounds, I felt
like the whole island was going to capsize. Shows how ridiculously imaginative I
can be.

A few side notes: I got to see more of the half human half werewolf people.
Frederick said the term Kinfolk, and it must apply. He's not going to give Nanami-
chan a hard time. We got to help Sanosuke in thanks for his help. Pentex is evil
and I absolutely have to look into it. Jimmy's not really a wererat.
Vivian isn't too far off from my size that I can't wear her clothes in a pinch. I
absolutely have to have areas prepped as contingency for escapes and such.
Also...lots of the werewolves are gone. I have to stay away from Market Street.
Just...a lot really.

Aleksi was there to meet us. As werewolves go, he seems awesome. He's Night-
aspected, whatever that means. I guess it makes him good at hiding and such. I
guess JImmy is a Rat-aspected Werewolf, then? I know Sanosuke and Nanami-chan are
Lightning-aspected, which is curious, especially since he mentioned Lightning
people as wizards. I even got to see a couple of those, but not talk to them.

It occurs to me now that I never got Val's number. I don't even remember his full
name. I hope he's okay. He seems really nice.

I do know that I can't go back to the island. Mom is cool with it, given the kinds
of things that have been happening there. Thankfully it was only over the phone
when she mentioned the "terrorist attack" on Warehouse 96, so I could just stay
silent.

I'm not helpless and made of glass. I could easily go back to the island if I
wanted to. However, I have to let people believe that I'm traumatized by it all so
that I can stay in Starke. It feels like lying, but then, so does so much of what
I've been concealing. Anyone else in my situation would be traumatized.

The text messages that I sent out to all my friends certainly point that way. Karen
now thinks that I'm the one who's having the flashbacks and won't admit it. Debbie
thinks I'm copying her. Donna thinks she did something wrong. I don't even know. I
know none of them want to leave the island, and nothing going on at the university
anymore really applies to my life. Thankfully, the professors are letting me finish
my classes online. Sherbert insisted on FaceTiming, but thankfully I was already
dressed up anyway.

Wanna know the sick part? Having Victor tell me that I'm beautiful kind of helped,
but I also knew he wanted to make me feel better. Seeing Sherbert's glower when I
had on too much makeup, though...and when he insisted I could smudge it off because
I looked better without it...

I could go more into little details, but I want to talk about Dave.

I was at a bar last night and a guy walked up, looking scared. Kinda handsome,
maybe 25, maybe 30. I started to tell him I wasn't really interested, and he asked
me if I believed in monsters. I checked him with Darkvision, and nothing, so I
showed him my tattoo, and he just shrugged. But he recognized me all the same. Just
me. I don't know why.

According to his story, he was at a nightclub. A couple of "bombshell" women were

making out with some guys, and he noticed that they were vampires drinking blood
from the guys' necks. "They drink of life itself." He had absolutely no idea what
to do, and it just sort of faded for him, but when he saw the women moving from guy
to guy around the place, he knew why.

There's definitely a correlation with what we do when we Wake Up and whether we

have powers. I can only guess at its full extent. Part of me worries that if I ever
stop Hunting, they'll all go away. Possibly if I even abuse them.

I told him my plan: get the good supernatural monsters working together to take out
the evil ones. A lot of the other Hunters are just too crazy to deal with. For the
most part, he thinks it's a good idea, and thinks it's a good idea, but he pointed
out one concern. What if the monsters end up working together too well, and humans
can't stop them? It's absolutely a concern, but that just means I have to be really
good at steering the direction of the group.

The way I said it last night, it's better than doing nothing. I hadn't meant to
hurt Dave saying that, but I did. I think he hates himself for not knowing what to
do.

When I first saw the Matrix, I thought it was stupid for the blue pill. Well, the
Matrix is stupid for a lot of reasons - just give us a proper Shadowrun movie
already - but why would anyone actually take the blue pill? I don't think Dave
wants to know. Even when I asked him about the Matrix, he said he would've taken
the red pill then, but would take the blue pill now. So...how do you even handle
that? There's no fair way to give choice.

He wants me to check various people for him: neighbors, friends, coworkers. I

absolutely will. I'm also staying at his place in a guest room until I'm fully set
up. I'm using his computer now in a secure account I set up. Nothing new on Hunter-
Net, but I never check that on my tablet or phone.

Even though he'll never admit it, I think part of him wants me to stay here, at
least until everyone he knows gets checked over. I can't really blame him. Imagine
living your whole life, knowing monsters exist, but not being able to check for
them.

He even trusts me so much that he let me tag his house. I pulled out a can of
spraypaint and wrote the Code for Safe Place, as well as the Code for what he is.
It comes off in my head as something between Sidekick and Squib, like Harry Potter.
Safe Place also comes off as Tristram from Diablo 1. That scares me a little - I
remember what happened to Tristram in Diablo 2, but it's a warning.

I asked him if he'd ever want to meet benevolent unnaturals, and he said no. The
idea really scared him. But at least I have someone to talk to.

Maybe I even have someone for something more, someone I'll never have to lie to,
but I haven't even begun to ask about anything like that. I don't want to risk it.
Honestly, really, I'm not even sure I want to think about it yet.

The one nice thing, though? After pulling out my makeup compact for the eight
thousandth time, I asked him if I was pretty. He just kind of...stared, like it was
a trick question, and said that if I really wanted to keep at it with the makeup,
it was my face, but I didn't have to do it for him. He didn't actually like all the
makeup - I could tell - but he seemed more interested that it was making me happy,
even though it wasn't.

I really think I can stop with all the makeup and everything now. The dreams
haven't stopped, and maybe they never will. Maybe it's just who I am now, but it's
not who I want to be. That's just going to take time, I think, not wincing every
time I see a mirror. But I'm in normal clothes and I don't feel like a monster.

It's funny. If my life made any sense at all, it would be being all dressed up that
would make me feel like the monster. That's how it used to be. That's what the
dream says. Why doesn't it feel that way?

July 23, 2018

My entry on the 22nd didn't go through, so I'm rewriting.

I told Dave about how I mentioned his name to unnaturals. Part of me didn't even
want to tell him. That's how far I'm falling.
You see in a movie how people just start fighting, and it seems so fake. They just
jump at nothing whatsoever. I used to hate it, think the acting was bad. Now I look
at all the little things I can snap about.

When I was a little girl, I could solve any problem that actually needed to be
solved. Things like not being able to get a state of the art computer system
weren't real problems. I just didn't know that then.

We fought about nothing. We made up easily. He knows I'm not going to put him in
danger. He also knows I'm the one who deals with the monsters. That gives me
leverage...which doesn't honestly feel fair to him, but...

I know I shouldn't have said that to him. It's not his fault he isn't more psychic
like I am. If he could, he'd at least watch for things, find them and let folks
know.

None of the people who work in his office are monsters. Neither is anyone I've met
so far on his block. I honestly doubt anyone is. That's good. He should get to live
a normal live, and be my anchor. I need someone to remind me what NORMAL is,
especially with none of my friends coming.

Out of anyone at Port Sinclair, the only one who even wants to talk to me anymore
is Charlie, and I don't think she would except how great a friend she's become to
LInda from back home. They want me to help with programming for a visual novel,
which is easy enough. TLC Games. So corny. Hope it picks up.

Passed my test yesterday. Got another tomorrow. I'm not even counting the joke
Sherbert sent.

None of that is my life anymore, though. It's all Port Sinclair. More and more, I
realize I'm just growing up and leaving my old life behind.

I went to the Garou garden for the first time today. It's really cool, and the
Amenti are so happy there, but they clearly don't trust us.

Also, thought about whether to even put this - it's old life and unimportant - but
whatever.

Over a year ago, I wrote about Bill Winchester trying to pressure me into trying
things with other girls. It was funny because it felt like it was easier to say no
to that because he wasn't asking to have sex with me personally. Turns out, though:
he'd set up an appointment with a dominatrix. If I'd ever actually come to Starke
with him, he had an appointment all set up for me with another woman. He's
apparently still seeing her as well.

I don't think I even want a relationship. It seems like it's just one big pile of
heartache. If I'm psychic, though, maybe I need to pass on my genetics to make sure
that humanity gets it. If so, Dave is the best candidate. That's a horrible way of
thinking, just doing it for the sake of posterity, but apparently it's how the
werewolves like it.

That was what was going through my head when I suggested Hilda and Fred. Fred
wasn't interested, though. He likes softer girls. I'm very glad I got to make sure
it was known I'm not interested, but...now I wonder what Dave likes. Except I can't
ask. And I can't have any of my unnatural friends ask.

One thing is certain: the complications that Dave adds to my life are hands down
better than the ones that he fixes.
Another thing: the "Chrome Me" dreams aren't stopping, even if I've pushed myself
past the worst of it. When the journal comes, I'm giving it to Victor without
opening it. Hopefully then they'll go away.

July 26, 2018

Hourglass is taking more time than I expected to program. So much playtesting. But
it's coming along.

I'm not always going to be able to help with the monsters. That hurts so much, but
I also logically understand it. Altair didn't even bring Vivian along yesterday. It
shouldn't hurt. It does.

Altair also still believes he's human. Today was the day he gave the stupid cheese
analogy. I should argue with him. I should Immobilize him and show him how it only
affects Shen. But he's my friend. I hope to get through to him with logic, and I
was just too upset.

I finally took Brittany's advice and asked Dave for a foot massage. He had to read
up on how to do it, but in exchange, he asked that when I do my Tai Chi Chuan
practice, I do it naked and let him watch. I negotiated for underwear instead.

It was absolutely awkward. I put my music on and just tried to pretend he wasn't
watching me or doing anything. I know he was; I could hear him over the music.

Foot massages are absolutely fantastic, though. And afterwards, we just kind of
held each other. It was really nice. Maybe we can do that tradeoff again later.

I don't think I can really meditate. My brain just doesn't want to go still, except
sometimes, when I'm drunk, or doing Tai Chi Chuan, or being held.

Part of me is scared, though. What happens if he's holding me and I just start
crying? Is he going to think it's something he did?

More of me, though...just feels happy. This is where I'm supposed to be. This is
what I'm supposed to do.

I'm becoming more of a leader, I think. I'm finding the flaws in my allies and
sanding them down. But that's just what I'll be if I'm allowed to grow. None of
that is important to me, other than helping my friends.

Killing monsters still doesn't even feel real.

Sometimes it feels like I'm going to wake up, and the reason they aren't bringing
me on adventures is because the adventures aren't real, and they don't want to hurt
my feelings. I'm just the crazy girl who can't even wrap her head around a stupid
book. Some people wake up late at night and worry that monsters are real. I wake up
and worry that they're not.

If the world was normal, and no unnatural things existed, and everyone was safe,
but the tradeoff was that I was completely insane and my friends didn't know what
else to do besides play along with me, I think I'd be okay with that.

July 27, 2018

I got to see a real, honest to goodness monster fight tonight. Werewolves and
Mummies against Vampires.
It was all so fast. I don't even know if I can describe it.

With the wereshark, maybe it was fast, but at least it was simple. I tried to
immobilize him. When that didn't work, I put bullets in him. Maybe I only noticed
how fast it all was because I didn't participate and there were multiple opponents.

[Note: I ended up falling asleep at the keyboard, so I'm just posting this up
exactly as it is.]

July 28th, 2018

When I woke up this morning, Dave finally asked if there was something wrong with
his cooking. I hadn't really been eating, and it had been long enough for him to
realize that I wasn't sick. I told him I didn't want to put on weight, and he just
stared in that endearing way he has where he's totally clueless. Sometimes I wonder
if I do that to the unnaturals.

I really need another word for that. I looked up shen and it means deity, and that
just seems...off. Maybe supes. Supernaturals. But putting that now is going to make
less sense when I haven't gotten to the dream yet.

I took a nap on Fred's couch and had the dream again. Nurse, not quite my mom, asks
me what I want to be. "Not Shen." Except this time, when she reassures me, I'm more
insistent. I'm happy with who and what I am. Dave likes me for who and what I am.
My friends accept me. I'm not perfect, but I'm me.

Then I woke up, and I was starving, and I was willing to eat. I don't think I'll
have the dream anymore.

It seems like we all have various issues we're working through. Anyone reading
through this can see mine, and I'm human. The supes have them as well. It seems
like half the mummies don't even realize they're not human anymore.

Some of the monsters don't have anything left in them anymore, and they just have
to be put down. I understand that. It doesn't mean all of them are like that, and
we NEED them until the world is able of taking care of things itself. After
that...I don't know anymore. Part of me doubts I'll ever live to see it.

More and more of my path becomes clear. Maybe I don't always even know what I'm
doing. That's okay. I'm still figuring things out.

What I do know, though, is that things are working out between Fred and Hilda ^_^
Dave was kind of weirded out by the request to get picked up, but I mentioned that
my feet were still pretty worn out, and that perked him up.

Feelings are so weird sometimes, but I am glad I have them.

July 29th, 2018

I met a former angel today. He can read Hunter Code.

That means it really is angels that blessed us. It's not being psychic. We're not
evolving. We're not getting better.

I'm not sorry I know, I'm just so sad it's true.

It's not even like he can lie about it, I guess unless he read my mind.

I finally remembered to actually record one of these conversations so I could

listen to it later. He's convinced that we're inevitably going to have to go to
war. Sad as it makes me, maybe that's true. But I won't be firing the first shot.

It's already been proven to me that there's little point in trying to communicate
with other hunters to any serious degree. Part of me wants to tell them how they're
all right that it really is angels, but...the sad thing is, even if I did, they'd
never believe the source. Or I could tell them Hunter Code is compromised and then
they'd never use that.

Dave knows something is wrong. I should try to explain it all. I just don't see the
point. He gave me a foot massage, and I cried, and I offered to reciprocate for
him, and he said to wait until I felt up for it so that it'd be special. That's
what I needed. I don't have words for that right now.

I tried listening to a little of it, but I made sure it wouldn't be erased easily.
I'm going to have to set something up so that I can keep as much of recordings as I
can get even if my phone is destroyed when they're being done. Thankfully I'm
learning the extra touch of caution as we go with this. I guess maybe it was silly
to give him my phone to begin with, but...I don't really care.

I am not okay with the idea of an omnipotent deity that's okay with collateral
damage. Bodies, sure, fine. People are going to die anyway. Souls? That's
unacceptable.

I really want Julian and I to be on the same side. I want him to find goodness in
the world and work to rebuild it all. The others are helping with that, except for
the vampires, who just need to be put down.

Part of me wants to believe that God created vampires just so Hunters can take them
down, as well as many of the others. I've played games where a good Dungeon Master
would make villains like that. Except, this is no game.

So what if life teaches us the things that we can't learn in games? Except, that's
all well and good if souls weren't being destroyed.

I am not in the least sorry or apologetic that I confirmed what I am to him,

though. Truth is forever. He taught me what I need to know. Sooner or later, he'd
notice the Code.

So if I recognize the risk, why don't I tell my side that Hunter Code is
compromised? Honestly, because I don't trust them either.

I trust Dave and I trust my friends. At the very least, I can confirm that I've
been blessed by angels and am not psychic.

That's something I really wanted to know for sure, even if it wasn't the answer I
wanted.

The funny thing was, asking Dave how I should handle the pitter-patter was the
hardest thing out of anything. Neither one of us is sure, but I know one thing: I
loved seeing that smile of his when I told him that he's the one I wanted to go
home to.

July 31st, 2018 - Afternoon Entry

I think I get it now. It's not sex that's amazing, not really. It's the feeling
afterwards, when you're shaking, and you can't catch your breath, and he looks up
at you and just smiles. That's so different from pitter-patter. It's a lot more
like the drunk zen state of just knowing without knowing when I can just relax.
I hate that he had to go back to work. I want him to stay. I think I get why people
usually do it at night now, but I'm not sorry it happened. I don't think I would
have worked up the courage otherwise.

Dave doesn't really want kids but will make the effort if I really badly want them.
I don't think I do either. I just didn't to miss the chance just because I'm out of
college.

I passed all my tests also. Final GPA 3.2. It's not bad. Thankfully my teachers
were nice.

My scholarship runs out at the end of August. I need to be gainfully employed by

then. I'll meet with Linda and Charlie tonight and see what they think of things.

Now I just have to hope that I never regret what I did today.

August 4, 2018

So much to put here and I don't even know where to start.

Fred and Altair won't stop fighting. They still work together, though. That will
have to be enough.

And then the whole cemetery. I can't even tonight. I'll do it in the morning.

August 5, 2018

I ended up crawling into Dave's bed last night because I couldn't make the
nightmares stop. Thankfully it's Sunday. I can't do that very often. He has to be
awake for work on weekdays.

We ended up heading off to the beach for a few hours. I didn't used to go for that
long, but it's kind of a drive now. It gave me a chance to read up more on Locator.
I'm going to love that.

I told Dave that I'm sorry about how far the drive is. He just said that seeing me
in a bikini is worth it I'm so lucky he found me.

I don't even want to write it all about what I saw down there. I made it as far as
the dogs with Dave and he was horrified. He wants to write a letter of thanks to
Grimm. I don't know how well that will go, but I told him I'd deliver it.

I have to remember to write things out for Hunter-Net about the Abomination and how
to kill it.

August 6, 2018

Fly or Die VIII is probably the best game ever.

I love the new Locator class! The respawn time is pretty long but that will give me
time to read up on hieroglyphics. It's technically Scout-class but I can also do
some other things like Deactivate.

It works in a group, which I thought would be a lot scarier than it was, but is
actually working out nicely. Practically nobody in the beta is giving me a hard
time about being female, although I do get my stats checked a LOT.

One of the things I'm noticing is that I'm definitely getting better at targeting.
I noticed that in the graveyard as well. The skills seem to carry over. When my
hands know what they want, I just know exactly how to aim. You wouldn't think it
carries over with video games, but it definitely does.

I need to figure out how to thank Victor and have it not be weird.

August 10, 2018

I'm meeting more and more unnaturals who believe that they're human. More and more,
it feels like a coping mechanism they have.

There was one of them at this place, Smoke and Mirrors. It may not actually be new,
but I don't think I can see it without Darkvision. Apparently he's a mage, which I
think is the same as a wizard, but I'm not really sure. Chakrivati, he said, or
something like that. He's had bad experiences with hunters and is a bigot as a
result. It's unfortunate but it happens. It's not like hunters don't have their own
share of bigots. I'll just ask Altair to fill me in when I get a chance.

He showed me something. Quintessence. What EVERYTHING is made of. Something about

matter and energy...I should have stuck with that and asked questions instead of
being honest with him. Obviously he's not the kind of person who can accept the
truth. Given what Sanosuke said about lightning people, I'm hoping it's not really
that common of a trait, but it might be.

It gives me a few ideas. I need to think on it and decide if it's accurate.

Jeet talked about Krishna, with one deity fracturing into a bunch of different
things. The Egyptians have Ptah. Julian talks about the Shattering. Werewolves
guard their own special places and are worried mages will take all the energy.
Mummies have Sekhem. It all forms into SOMETHING, I just don't know WHAT. I just
have to figure it out, push harder...

Oh, turns out that the guy at the computer store is a mage also. I wonder if it's
okay to just straight up and ask him about it. I don't know. Altair was busy when
it got brought up. Maybe I'll ask later. If the guy is really subtle and secret, he
may not appreciate the poking.

I also met a self-professed Nightmare. I thought that was just a term that Hunters
use, like Rots. I guess not. No real idea or understanding what they are or how
they work yet, but that will come in time. This one is of a kind that eats people,
is tempted to eat people, but apparently doesn't actually eat people yet. I've had
worse contacts, even if I know any other hunter would put him down.

Along with Boggan, the collective word that they're used to people using is
Changeling. Almost certainly the same things that Hunter-Net generally calls
Goblins or Nightmares.

---

It's been a while since I really sat down with all the mummy intel, so I decided to
try to write everything down and make sure it's in my journal. Sad to say, I doubt
I'll ever really pass it on to other hunters beyond what Altair has given me, but I
have enough to work with that I should make sure it's all straight in my head.

Back in Ancient Egypt, there was a particular type of person, who is now a ghost.
That ghost fuses with someone who's dying, and their personalities have to be a
proper match, different in the right ways so that they'll be a perfect whole. Then
their combined spirits inhabit the body together and this pseudo-revenant has to
get to Egypt while being attacked along the way. They get judged, and become Udja-
sen if they get judged poorly, but not badly enough to be destroyed outright. Udja-
sen either can't remember their first life or their second life. Out of the rest,
the type of mummy you have is based on which part of your soul is the strongest.

Kher-Minu - Tomb Watchers - Ka - Maternal/Paternal instincts, guardians,

protectors, and it sounded like self-preservation also.

Khri-Habi - Scroll Bearers - Ba - Curious and thirsts for knowledge. So that's what
I'd be if I was willing to be cursed with immortality.

Mesektet - Night Suns - Sahu - Superego, lead, control, shape. Natural leaders.

Sakhmu - Spirit Scepters - Khu - Physical form and beauty. The light to the
Khaibit's shadow. Get in trouble a lot.

Sefekhi - Unbandaged - Khaibit - Id. Phenomenal tempers and needs. Have to be

castrated just to have some control of themselves. They get all bandaged up when
they're brought back to life and are only let out of those bandages if they can
control themselves.

They also have various spells they can do. Victor has Wind Listener, Donate Ki,
Awaken Simple Tool, Control Water, and Investigate Secrets. Altair has Judge the
Soul, Divination, as well as being a kung fu master and making various amulets and
potions. Vivian's got the Animal Scouts also.

And then, obviously, they can't die. Kill then a thousand times and they'll just
keep getting back up. Other hunters tried holding onto Wells with cement and he
disappeared into a sinkhole. Altair talked about the various ways to rescue him. It
apparently can be variable on how long it takes to die and come back. I should have
written down how long Altair said it would take, but I was in college still at that
point, and my head was full of all that as well. Plus I was still scared of him at
the time and it seemed too frightening to think of taking notes.

Mummies have Sekhem, and if they use it all up, apparently they end up looking like
zombies. They can also lose control if this happens...or it may just be Altair that
loses control. It sounds like Udja-sen don't have to worry about that, and no idea
on the others.

Ultimately, they have to find all the pieces of Osiris and put him back together
again. They have no idea how to do that, though. If they can, my hope is he'll
judge all the vampires again; apparently Osiris can turn vampires into mummies.
That's as good a possible end game as I can think of for vampires. If they can just
quickly replicate and spread, there's no way to stop them all on our own.

Altair did say it's not a complete curse, though. I have to wrap my head around
that concept. He can let go and die at any given time if he wants to. Of course,
first you have to get the minions of Set and Apophis first.

I'm opening up the old thing where Altair gave me the info so I can just retype it.

Mummies serve Ma'at, which is apparently a group of beings that serve the Egyptian
deities. They have a moral code called the Balance, which Altair said was "Bushido
on steroids." They can't just kill innocent people except in self-defense.

There are seven Bane Mummies in existence, which are also unkillable. Altair's plan
is to get various other supernaturals to help kill one and then drag it before
Sobek when it's in the underworld. There's also Asekh-sen, Reapers, which have four
canopic jars which are more or less extra lives. But the Bane Mummies protect those
jars, so it's not as easy as just finding and shattering them.
Another Hunter described a Sefekhi in Egypt who was going on killing sprees with
terrorists, how such a being couldn't be permitted to exist. Honestly, I don't
know. The world is such a mess. If they can judge souls just by looking at them,
doesn't that make a better judge than a human?

On the other hand, so many of them believe that they are human. This worries me
more and more. They have traits of humanity, sure, but it's just a delusion to
believe that you're really human.

By contrast, the reason I know I'm still human when the others aren't is because
everyone can smell me, read my soul, whatever else and can't recognize me as any
different. Hunters can't recognize other Hunters either. That's a pretty big
distinction, scientifically measured. If things went back to normal, I know I'd be
glad to go back to living a normal life. I don't use Darkvision or Split all the
time, and the other powers don't do anything except on supernaturals. Would the
others be glad to go back to a normal existence? Most likely some would, and others
would just want to rest.

It doesn't matter. First I need to figure everything out and make sense of all
this. I have way too much information now not to have a more solid theory with
everything, especially since I met Julian and found out I wasn't really psychic.

If only I hadn't let myself get distracted, I feel like I would have figured it out
by now. Sanosuke was completely right that I lack focus.

ugust 11, 2018

Matter and energy cannot be created or destroyed. They can, however, be changed
into each other. E=MC^2.

I think I understand it all now. In the beginning, it was all formless Mana,
whether you want to call that Sekhem, Gnosis, Quintessence, Ki, or whatever else.
Jeet described this as Krishna, the Egyptians as Ptah, or the angelic creator.

However, it wasn't completely devoid of sentience. It was complete POTENTIAL, and

it could be a bunch of different things at once. That's how you have these quantum
realms that Julian described, where things were both and neither with stuff, like
both the Creation story and evolution. Then the Shattering happened and everything
solidified more into concrete forms.

With the werewolves, this is Wyld (creation), Weaver (stable object), and Wyrm
(originally destruction, but formed into corruption). The Wyrm is supposed to turn
everything back into potential energy, but it's just corrupting everything instead.
So it's like entropy, and things aren't becoming useful potential energy again.
Obviously, this is a problem. Trash and landfills.

The way the werewolves are handling this, they want to guard all the Caerns, where
the Wyld energy is, which they also consider Gaia's energy. But it's really all the
Mana, the potential energy. They use it, others use it too, mages can do whatever
with it apparently. But it's all energy.

That means that souls are the same kind of thing, just like bodies, maybe shaped
and transmuted in some way.

It really used to scare me. I thought souls were these discrete things. But take a
big bunch of water and freeze it into a giant ice cube. Then cut up the ice cube
into smaller ice cubes, and form statues out of each one. It seems scary to think
one or two get shattered, but it doesn't really matter when they all melt back into
the water again.

What's eventually going to happen is that everything will return to potential

energy. Things can't stay broken like this forever. It's like the reverse of the
Big Bang, when everything returns. I guess that will be Krishna or Ptah reborn or
whatever. Maybe then it all happens again.

Or maybe we're supposed to help that happen.

I tried to talk to Altair about it all, but I don't think he gets it. I really
think I'm on the right track with this, though. Everything finally feels like it's
starting to make sense in my head.

I can't really bring myself to believe that the universe isn't working as it
should, not when Julian is finally starting to show his good side.

Maybe Jeet will have an easier time. He's really smart. I think he'll agree with me
that this is how things are.

August 12, 2018 - Morning Entry

I'd better write down everything in my journal just in case something happens to my
tablet regarding werewolves. It's all backed up in the cloud, but my journal can
only be hit via my computer, the same as Hunter-Net. That's not perfectly safe, but
it'll have to do. Not that the other monsters need protection from the hunters, but
way too many hunters need protection from the monsters.

I still like to think it would have been possible to talk some sense into the poor
woman, but quite a few monsters show extreme prejudice to hunters despite their
knowing the least about what's going on, or perhaps because of it.

Chakravarti has a Wikipedia entry. "an ideal universal ruler[1] who rules ethically
and benevolently over the entire world." Yeah, right...

Anyway, werewolves have some sort of gene, scientific or mystical, that makes them
what they are. I have no idea whether it can be scientifically tested, and I'm not
sure how far this goes to the other changers, although I've met a wereraven, a
Chinese dragon, someone I think was a western dragon from the future, a werespider,
and a wereshark. Fred mentioned Naga, which I'm guessing is a snake, since that's
what it means in Sanskrit.

I'm certain about most of this stuff about werewolves. It's really hard to say with
the other shapeshifters until I can ask. Various comparisons can probably be drawn
in various ways.

Technically, werewolves from China and Japan are called Hakken, and the rest are
Garou. I'm iffy on the specifics here, though.

Breed is how the werewolf is born. Homid werewolves are born human. Lupus
werewolves are born wolf. That kinda takes out the idea of wolfweres. When it's two
werewolves, that's Metis, and they're hated and shunned primarily because
werewolves aren't supposed to do that sort of thing. Also because of a Metis
Antichrist that's prophesied.

Auspice is what moon phase they associate themselves with. I think Sanosuke said he
was born under a full moon but I can't remember for certain. So maybe it's when
you're born, or maybe it's how you associate, like Scout-class. I wonder if Kinfolk

Coming back to that. Kinfolk - I think that's the right word, maybe just Kin, but
Fred said Kinfolk at one point - are when they're squib werewolves. They still have
the gene but can't transform or anything. So kind of like Bystanders. I wonder if
Kinfolk should try to be more like their moon phase if they want to be able to
transform. That's probably something that they already thought of, though. I doubt
I'll get the chance to ask.

Ragabash is like a Rogue, New Moon aspect. The big thing they do is challenge
authority. I'm kind of surprised Fred isn't this. It seems like he'd be perfect for
it.
Theurge is like a Mage, the Crescent Moon aspect. They deal with magical and
spiritual stuff.
Philodox is like a Judge, the Half Moon aspect. They're the mediators and judges,
and Fred said the werewolf lawyers.
Galliard is like a Bard, the Gibbous Moon aspect. They're bards, leaders,
diplomats. Fred mentioned Professor Peace as one.
Ahroun is like a Fighter, the Full Moon aspect. They're warriors and death
machines. This fits Sanosuke pretty well.

Finally, you have your Tribes. This seems to either be a nationality or a personal
philosophy that the werewolves follow. You'd figure it would be one or the other,
and maybe they'll grow into that as time goes on. I guess that since a lot of it is
genetic, it's hard to say with traditions and all. There probably isn't a lot of
migration the way America formed and everyone decided to make its own culture. Then
again, maybe that's exactly how it happened for the ones that are ideological.

Black Furies are ultra-feminist amazons.

Bone Gnawers are like hobos and they accept Metis. Jimmy is one. I'm actually kind
of relieved to know that wererats aren't really a thing.
Children of Gaia are peacekeepers, social activists, and have some fantastic weed.
This sounds like a Hippie stereotype, but Fred says they're far more effective than
hippies were.
Fianna are the pure stereotype of Irish and artsy.
Get of Fenris are Scandinavian/Germanic Warriors. They have a skeleton closet of
Nazis. I'm wondering if part of the eugenics program involved kinfolk in some way,
but I'm definitely not going to ask. There's no way Fred or Grimm were involved in
any of that.
Glass Walker are the downtown penthouse techology types and stick to the cities.
They tend to be kind of elitist but I'd still love to meet one.
Hakken are Chinese and Japanese and big on honor. They bred with samurai back...I
forget when, centuries ago, and adopted that culture pretty strongly. Hakken don't
get along well with the other Garou, though, and don't seem to associate with that
word. Maybe it's like "human" in that the word carries all kinds of connotations.
Red Talons are all Lupus and hate humans, considering us a disease. Altair marked
them as "kill on sight."
Shadow Lords are Eastern European and really big on politics.
Silent Striders are from Egypt. That must be what our guard was from the Sept.
Altair says that it was the mummies that kicked them out of Egypt, but the guy
attributed it to Set and Apophis, or at least their servants. Probably a
combination of both? Respawn and Tomb Raider.
Dave, if I ever show this to you, what I mean by Respawn and Tomb Raider is how
having infinite lives works. There's a remake of Tomb Raider where you kill off
hundreds of people despite not being any stronger or faster than they are. The only
difference is that you can just try again and again and again and again and again
until you get it right. You only have to win once, but your enemies have to be
perfect every single time. That's why mummies are so much more powerful than
everything else; everything else can actually be killed one way or another.
Silver Fangs are part of the aristocracy.
Stargazers are philosophers, either Eastern or Indian. This is Jeet. Kind of self-
explanatory.
Uktena are Native American and tend to deal with secrets and the spiritual. The
Sept is comprised primarily of them. Not hard to understand given the area.
Wendigo are also Native American but tend to be more warriors.

Finally, the Black Spiral Dancers used to be Scottish, but they're all evil and
Wyrm tainted.

Werewolves can change form at will, it seems like. I'm not sure if it costs them
Gnosis or anything like that. They don't seem to like doing it on a whim. With
werewolves, they're hurt by Silver, but whatever Remy was could be hurt by both
silver and gold, and not when he was human. I think Fred said something about
silver not being as bad when he's human but I didn't ask. Weresharks are hurt by
silver but also have to get soaked in water at least once a day, I can't remember
if it had to be salt water or not. I don't know about the rest; I really only Scan
someone when I'm upset with them.

Before we can even try to handle the whole host of supernatural things out there,
we have to deal with the really evil ones. Part of me hopes that that will even
make the problem resolve itself. However, I know that most hunters are never going
to accept that. It doesn't bother me that I'm the only sane one. What bothers me is
that anyone who believes that they're the only sane one is usually crazy.

August 15, 2018

People talk about phrasing, making sure you put the words in the right way so you
don't hurt people's feelings. To me, that's always felt like lying, softening
people up so they don't feel the truth so hard.

Maybe I'm special, though. Most people can't even handle the truth. Their mind just
breaks down. I already know how the universe begins and ends just because I'm smart
enough to figure it out. Not everyone is like that.

I'm so tired of dealing with Grey. Hopefully I never see him again. From his
perspective, the only true human beings are mages, and the "Sleepers" are seven
billion insects just crawling around on the planet. But how do I get through to him
if he's already a bigot? It scares me that I can't.

I know some people you just can't talk to. I was hoping it would never seem that
way for supernaturals. I know they think that they're brought into some big and
brighter mystery, but that's obviously not true.

A lot of them are really nice, though.

I'll just have to remember to say "mundane" instead of "human" from now on. Maybe
it's a bigger step in getting people to listen to me.

If hunters have been around for hundreds of years, this isn't the mark of anything
special. It's just that most hunters don't even know about it. So I'm the one that
has to be special. But I'm already making such progress.

ugust 17, 2018

It was proven to me that I'm not mundane either.

There's this book, the Sepher Limud. Grey calls it the Premier. When ordinary
people read it, it Awakens them to be able to use magic. When used on other
supernaturals, it does all sorts of disastrous things.

I wanted to talk about it, but when I let the words out, I just said fully human.
That got people upset, so I stayed quiet, even when we were at the bar. I'm sure
they knew something was up, but I'm so tired of just whining to everyone about my
problems. That's what I have Dave for.

When I explained the idea to Dave, he laughed at the idea that I was supernatural.
Then I pointed out to him that he was able to pick me out of a crowd with
absolutely no problem. He didn't know what to say to that. Then I stood up, and he
stared at me in horror, begging me not to leave. I hadn't even considered the idea
of leaving; I just started crying and hugged him.

I don't even know what's going on in my life anymore, but I'm sure I'll be fine
tomorrow. I always am. Somehow I can do all this stuff and still not break. I used
to think it was video game exposure. Now I know otherwise.

August 18, 2018

Today was Fred and Hilda's wedding. Some part of me is sad that Dave didn't want to
come. Of course, I understand why. People like us make him uncomfortable. I know he
loves me, though, even if he doesn't think I'm supernatural.

Remembering fights is getting weird. It can be hard to remember which reality

actually happened, like a computer game where you go through so many save states
that you forget how you got to your current point. Of course, winning is the only
thing that matters in a fight. There's nothing to remember.

Reapers are working alongside vampires, and probably with Pentex also. That's a
horrifying prospect. Thankfully, we have so many of us working together that it
doesn't matter. The werewolves understand that now. I'm even kind of an honorary
werewolf, in a sort of way.

Sometimes I worry what the other hunters will say if they ever hear about that. I
don't really feel like a hunter anymore. I'm not sure if I have for a while.

I just know I'm right. Good has to work together against evil. That's the only way
we can win, especially with evil working together.

It's funny. I was so scared that Fred and Altair would end up being torn apart and
stop working together. I tried so hard with that. I guess none of that even
matters. Boys can be weird.

What really matters is that there is good and there is evil. Evil must be stopped
at any cost. It's never been as black and white as I wanted it to be, but some
things always are. We all know good and evil instinctively and innately, even as
children. It's probably built into the soul. Whatever else, that part I can handle.

August 19, 2018

I'm starting to think that I overthink things.

Generally, I try to have a plan for every course of action. If I know what I want
to do in advance, I can just jump at it.

With Fly or Die, though, usually I'm not even thinking about it at all. There's
only a few things you can actually do. When it comes up, you just react. That's it.
Your brain already knows how to react and you just trust it.

Maybe if I just trust that I'm smart, and don't panic when something happens, I can
get better at just reacting. It's worth trying.
August 20, 2018

So, I tried just acting by reflex. The cowbell went off, I jumped to the person,
introduced myself, and dragged them away before they heard much of anything.

It turned out not to be necessary - it was another former angel, and not one who
was entirely cognizant - but I think it almost kind of went pretty well.

What always scared me was that I was going to have to lie. I didn't have to lie. I
just could leave a few things out that were unimportant. It's not ideal by any
means, and I'm sad the world is the way it is, but I can only work on fixing so
much at once.

Maybe it is me that has to change. Maybe the dreams about transforming myself were
right. I'm not fully human anymore, after all.

Why does that hurt so much? Am I that scared of becoming a monster?

I think I am.

I just tried talking to Dave about it, even left the keyboard. It only confuses
him. I'm not a monster to him. I don't think I ever can be.

That should be enough.

It has to be enough.

August 21, 2018

It becomes more and more apparent that things exist which cannot be permitted to
exist.

Some of them I understand. Evil spirits, that Sanosuke calls Bakemono. Most, if not
all, vampires. Reapers and bane mummies. Black spiral dancers. Anything that's a
pedophile.

Others are fine. Altair is scary, but he has it under control, at least, for the
most part. Karl is likewise scary but has himself under control. I can't really
find any fault whatsoever with Victor, Vivian, or Daphne. There's probably others
I'm forgetting.

I used to think that I had the right to judge because I was human. Now that I know
I'm not, it doesn't feel like being human is that important. There are plenty of
others who judge, especially those who see into souls. However, as Altair pointed
out, a lot of them are stuck in the underworld.

Supposition: if they're too evil to exist, but they reincarnate to hide from
Judgment, just getting them into the underworld one way or the other should do the
job.

I'm not even really upset at Grey anymore. He's scared, confused, and doesn't
understand things. I used to be that way also. I'm sure I still am in so many ways.

But I also know that I have to make a list.

I'm not powerful enough yet. I can't just Deactivate things like in Fly or Die
VIII. I have to get faster. I have to be a better shot when it matters.

I still can't believe Maddie just shot the guy dead without any other plan or
consideration. There were so many other options there.

I don't think she even cares. I tried to talk to her and plan, and she just shushed
me. She refuses to share information; I had to grab the book out of her hands to
figure out what was going on. Even with the thing where she can't have sex, she has
way too much "This needs to be removed from me" and not nearly enough "This
shouldn't be done to people."

I get her argument: he had to be stopped before he turned. But really? Just shoot
him dead and don't even try to think of another possibility?

She's been nice to me. I don't think she needs to be Judged. But I do have to
figure out if it's possible to reach her.

Even Judgment can't be black and white.

August 22, 2018

Dave asked me to head in to work with him today. There were a few new people he
wanted checked out to see if they were monsters. Mundane, obviously, but I can get
why he was concerned. Even if it's only one in a thousand, there's always a chance.

He joked with me about it and said that it was a shame I couldn't just see through
cameras. Then I thought about it. Night vision cameras aren't exactly the same as
Darkvision, but they're not that different. I just need to practice with it a bit,
figure things out. If I already know what I'm looking at, it shouldn't be too hard
to do.

If I can do that, I can just have a camera set up in the shop somewhere. Altair can
text me to look through it even if I'm not at home, and I can tell him what's up.

August 23, 2018

So, there really are good vampires out there. Maybe not many, but some.

The Children of Osiris are apparently alive and well, even without Osiris around to
guide them. It's funny: I figured I'd have to set something like that up, but it
already exists. They know all about me, which isn't that surprising.

Only one problem: one came into the house. I need to talk about that with Dave.
He's not going to be happy about it. Hopefully knowing that the vampires don't
drink human blood will make it okay, but I don't know. He's so scared of all this
stuff, just like I was at first.

Part of me wonders if he's crazy for being so terrified of them or if I'm crazy for
not being terrified. I don't know. I guess it doesn't really matter.

The funny thing? Usually, when I'm on the Hunt, I'm terrified. Or I'm completely
shut down like it's a video game. Working with Abdul just in the back room? It was
actually fun. That sounds so weird, but it's true.

I don't know what I should do. If there's another thing like that, I should either
be teamed up with Abdul or follow in the car with the tablet. I don't know. I may
even ask Abdul about setting up a little workstation for me out of replacement and
cheap parts he has left over. I should do that. It would make everything easier.

But then I wouldn't be able to follow and help.

Part of me should be happy. This is how I've seen things. The good monsters are all
working together to deal with the bad monsters. That was my idea, even before I
really understood I was one of the monsters.

I should have realized it from the dreams. I was so desperate not to be

supernatural that I refused to accept the possibility. I guess I do that a lot.

Of course, all the things I even worry about are light years beyond where we're
even at.

We need to get everyone headsets. I don't know where we're going to get the money
for that. Abdul's radio can work to some degree, but we should have something
firmer and more secure.

Also, when I got a better look at the vampires through the camera, I'm not sure if
it was just knowing or not, but I don't think I need special cameras. I just need
to practice a little and try.

Not everything went perfectly, but so much went okay. That's what's important.

August 24, 2018

I set the security camera up in Ogram. If anyone needs me to, I can see through it
with Darkvision.

Dave and I went out to the beach today. It was fantastic to get to go swimming
again before the summer is over. I forgot how much I missed it.

When we got home, though, I told him about the letter. He freaked, and he panicked,
and he yelled. An hour later, after we both had time to calm down, he apologized,
but I don't know if I made the right decision in telling him.

Except that I have to, don't I? Truth is forever.

Altair suggested that maybe he didn't enter the house at all. I don't know. I told
that to Dave. Maybe. It made him feel a lot better, even if he doesn't want any of
my "friends," and he made the air quotes, come over.

But they are my friends. I'm not human either. He just doesn't believe me about
that.

His birthday is tomorrow. I really hope that works out okay. I guess I'll find out.

August 26, 2018

I went to see Vivian again. She's having a really hard time.

"We don't come back for pleasure. I'm just being realistic." That's what she told
me after I asked if she wanted to talk. That really scares me.

At first, all the talk about being "human" really bothered me. The implications
are obvious: anyone who believes they're human but has superhuman capabilities will
just think themselves better than everyone else. Like, I have a 138 IQ, and I used
to think that if I could figure something out, I wasn't a genius, so anyone else
who wasn't a genius should be able to figure it out as well. If they didn't, my
little girl mind went, then they must just be stupid.

In reality, 138 IQ is a lot closer to genius than it is to 130, let alone the 100
average. I was just so upset that I wasn't a genius that I hated it. Maybe I even
am now. It's not like I got it tested since then.
To whoever's reading this, I just tend to type whatever's in my head at the time.
Who am I kidding? Who would read this besides Dave? Hi Dave! I love you.

Yesterday was Dave's birthday. I should write about that but I don't want to
forget my point.

So, if a dragon in human form can lift a thousand pounds, run a thousand miles, and
figure out a thousand riddles, but stays in human form all the time, it's not even
close to human. The life it experiences isn't anywhere close to that of a human
even if it looks like one. Sooner or later, it'll just forget that it's normal to
only lift a hundred pounds or so, and everyone else will just seem weak and puny by
comparison.

That's not what I mean when I say human. I just mean anyone with no supernatural
capabilities. I'm not human either, for reasons I already stated. I consider the
word synonymous with mundane.

Vivian is going completely the opposite way, though. She's shutting down. I've
figured out how to shut down for brief periods of time thanks to video games, but
that's completely different. It's just short periods of time. I fought so hard
not to give up on having a life, even if Indie Game Developer isn't exactly normal,
and what Dave and I have isn't really normal either. I'd probably be an Indie Game
Dev even if I was human, or at least, I'd like to be. Dave will ask me to marry
him whenever he's ready. I hope. Mom is still talking my ear off about that
whenever she can.

But, if Vivian forgets what it is to be human at all, if all she has is Ma'at, then
she's just a robot. Then she's just less than human. She doesn't feel she
deserves pleasure. I don't really understand the Udja-sen thing to the degree that
she does - although I think I understand it about as well as a novice Amenti - but
I know how much pain she's in and how it hurts her. There's a piece of her soul
missing, and I can't even imagine what that's like.

Maybe I should talk to Lucious Gray about it. He seems to really like the Amenti.
Maybe he'll have some idea of how to help. Theoretically, if a mage can rip a soul
apart, they might be able to patch up the pieces of a Cut Soul.

Then again, wouldn't he have already thought of something like that if it could be
done?

Maybe it just takes a whole bunch of Quintessence. Or...another horrifying

thought.

Julian told me about how some souls are just too withered and weak to hang on.
Altair said something about not being able to ask why the Judges Judge. What if
it's because multiple pieces of a soul are deficient? That would mean needing to
combine multiple Udja-sen to make a complete person.

I'm scared to even suggest it. if we combined Victor and Vivian, and only had one
left, but that one was truly happy, and had both of them inside of them?

But an idea like that shouldn't be my choice.

The real question is who I talk to about it first. If anyone. How can I suggest
it? How can I not?

I still need to talk to Abdul about the S3 Newsletter. It's just so frustrating to
go into the computer store, see everything I want, and not be able to buy any of
it. That shouldn't slow me down, it's a very stupid reason for not going in, and I
know that, but every time I pass that area, I just want to see if Altair, Victor,
or anyone else is around, and then home.

There are things I have to be able to make myself do if I want to be a grown woman
and have Altair see me as a Mesektet instead of just a Khri-Habi. Not that my soul
has any deficiencies...maybe my Ka, but I'm getting better about that, I think. I
don't just get drunk for no reason anymore, and I'm taking better care of myself.
Certainly there's nothing wrong with my Ba, Khu, Sahu, or Khaibit.

Granted, I can't become a Mummy anyway, no matter what anyone else thinks. Look at
what happened to Hunters who became Mages. It'd be exactly like that, just as I
told Altair. If the Amenti don't already know that, it's pretty scary. Unless I'm
wrong, but I don't see how I can be, unless they cut out everything in you that's a
Hunter.

I was going to write more but Dave is calling me. He asked me to wear the nurse's
costume again. I need to tell Victor what a big hit it was.