The Tears of Faith (Complete & Editing)

by AyamiLu

I left three years ago keeping my dark secret with me...

And now that I'm back, could Alexander forgive me and give our marriage
a second chance?
Would I be able to have that another chance only to say goodbye?
...
What if you only have one chance to live... how would you spend it?

This isn't a fairytale...

This is my story.
My tears of faith.

Disclaimer: The story is written in Filipino and English.

______________________
AyamiLu © Copyright 2014
All rights reserved.

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The Tears of Faith

The Tears of Faith  | Prologue

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What if you only have seconds to live your life, how will you spend them?Rob a
bank?Climb the highest mountain?Live in a temple?Marry the person you love?Or would
you spend your time left with your loved ones?

I chose mine differently.

I will tell you a story. 

This isn't a fairy tale.It's about a girl who lived the perfect life.She lived in a
palace with loving parents.She had the nicest friends a person could have.She was
in love and she was loved.She had everything.

Yet she was not happy.Because she was selfish.She traded those people who loved
her, even the man she promised to love and to cherish...

...for a chance of a life...for time.

Her name is Faith,And this is my story...

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2014 © Ayamiℒu | All rights reserved.

=================

Author's Note

« Author's Note »

  ━━━━━━ « ღ » ━━━━━━  

Hi readers! ^^

Don't forget to VOTE and COMMENT po if you like the story.

  I hope you guys read it and enjoy it.  

Thank you!

━━━━━━  « ღ » ━━━━━━

Copyright © 2014 by Ayamiℒu

All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof may not be reproduced in any
written, electronic, recording, or photocopying or used in any manner
whatsoever without the express written permission of the author.

All of the characters in this story have no existence whatsoever outside the
imagination of the author, and have no relation to anyone having the same name or
names. All the incidents are merely invention. 

=================

ღ Preface ღ

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"...Say something, I'm giving up on you

I'm sorry that I couldn't get to youAnywhere I would've followed youSay something,
I'm giving up on youAnd I will swallow my prideYou're the one that I loveAnd I'm
saying goodbye..."

―Say Something Lyrics by A Great Big World

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=================

Chapter ➊ | A Chance to a New Life

Chapter  ➊   |  A Chance to a New Life

"MA'AM, saan po tayo?"

Lumipad ang mata ko sa rearview mirror at nakita kong nakatingin sa'kin ang driver
ng taxi na sinasakyan ko, naghihintay ng sagot ko.

I'm not sure. Hindi ko alam kung saan ako pupunta. Kung saan ako tutungo. Kanina ko
pa pinapaikot ang driver and I know I'm wasting time. Halos isang oras na ang
lumipas pero hindi ko pa rin kayang bumalik.

I still need time.

Pero alam ko rin na ito na ang tamang oras. Hindi ko na puwedeng ipagpaliban pa
ito. I have to do this. I needed to.

Huminga ako ng malalim at pinuno ko ng hangin ang dibdib ko. "Liko po tayo sa sunod
na daan," sabi ko sa matandang driver. Alam kong naiinis na siya pero hindi niya
magawang ipakita iyon sa'kin dahil siguro sa hitsura ko.

I'm white as paper. Pallid as an invalid—exactly how I feel. I stretched my dress

for nth time, kahit na walang kusot doon. Kailangan kong gumalaw dahil baka bigla
na lang akong manigas dito.

Tinanaw ko ang bintana habang tinatahak namin ang pamilyar na daan na matagal ko ng
hindi binnabalikan. Ang lugar kung saan nagsimula ang lahat. At kung saan din
siguro magtatapos lahat.

Dito sa lugar na ito, naranasan ko ang maging masaya ulit sa kabila ng dagok na
dumaan sa buhay ko at sa pamilya ko. Naranasan ko ulit mangarap at mabuhay. Pero
lahat ng bagay may katapusan.

Everyone says that love hurts, but that's not true. I know that because I once fell
in love, just like most people did. And I was loved too. At na-realize ko na hindi
masakit ang magmahal—rejection does. Loneliness does.

When both my parents died, it was love that saved me from feeling the pain, from
loneliness, and all of the ugly things in this world. Love made me feel happy and
wonderful again.

I wouldn't know how rejection feels like because I never had been rejected, kahit
sa simpleng bagay. But I know how it felt to betray those people you love. And for
me, that hurts more.

I hurt people I love in the past, especially the man I vowed to love and to cherish
for the rest of my life. It was a hard decision for me to make, to leave. But I
didn't regret leaving. I'm just sorry that I had to hurt them for my sole desire to
vanish.

There are things in life that people couldn't understand. Life is a mystery in
itself. And humans are part of it. There are books that tell us everything there is
to know about life, science, and even teach us how to count. But a human's emotion
and mind are something a book couldn't master.

I left that night, three years ago keeping my darkest secret with me. I left
because I was scared and I was so lost then. With all the things that I was going
through, iisa lang ang kinakatakutan ko. That was to see my loved ones suffer
because of me. Hindi ko kaya iyon.

And now that I came back... I don't know what will happen.

As I stood here, looking at the house I left so many years ago... I couldn't even
describe the myriad of emotions coiling around my chest. They felt heavy,
suppressing me. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang mangyayari oras na i-apak ko ang mga paa
ko sa loob ng bahay na iyon.

I knew this day would come sooner or later. At kailangan kong ihanda ang sarili ko.
So I prepared myself for anything that might happen before I decided to come back
home. Especially if I have to face him again.

My heart was pounding and my hands were shaking as I reached for my worn out
suitcase. This has been my only companion I brought with me since that night I ran
away. When I left, I thought I couldn't come back. Pero gusto kong bumalik. God
knows I wanted to return here. But there are things that are beyond my control.
Marami ang nangyari sa loob ng tatlong taon na nagpatagal ng pagbabalik ko.

But here I am and I stood on this same spot where I whispered my farewell three
years ago...three years ago when everything was fine and perfect... when I lived so
happy and then...

They all just turned into a nightmare.

Isn't it amazing how life could change your fate in just a blink of an eye?

But I couldn't dwell on the past anymore. It happened and I couldn't change it. Now
was all that mattered. I came back because I have to face him. So even if I was
nervous and scared to walk another step into that house, I knew I had to do it one
way or another. I can't stand here outside forever. I can't runaway now. I needed
to remember these.

I needed this for me.

Narinig kong umalis na ang taxi na sinakayan ko papunta rito. Mag-isa na lang ako
ngayon.

This place...my house... our home... It hadn't change so much since I left. The
garden...The trees...The paint...

Everything was the same it was like I never left. Inaalagaan ba nila ang mga
tinanim kong bulaklak? O baka hinayaan nilang mamatay ang mga iyon?

I smiled a melancholic smile. Naisip ko lang kasi na kadarating ko pa lang pero

iyong mga bulaklak na kaagad ng inaalala ko. 

I looked at the sky. Malapit ng lumubog ang araw. Ibig sabihin ay malapit na siyang
umuwi. Despite the anxiety and fear, I felt a tinge of excitement ran down within
me.

Makikita ko na rin siya pagkatapos ng napakaraming taon.

I breathed deeply and clutched my suitcase a little harder. This was it. Kailangan
ko ng pumasok bago pa niya ako maabutan ditong nakatayo. At hindi iyon ang plano
kong surpresa para sa asawa ko.

Huminga ulit ako ng malalim bago ko hinila ang bag ko papasok sa nakabukas na gate.
Dumaan sa isip ko ang mga araw noon kung paano namin pag-awayan ni Alex ang tungkol
sa pagsasara ng gate. Palagi ko kasing iniiwang nakabukas iyon kapag ako lang mag-
isa sa bahay habang nasa trabaho siya. Alam kong pagod siya sa trabaho kaya ayokong
bumaba siya ng kotse para lang buksan ang gate kapag dumarating siya.

 A sudden pain throbbed inside me.

No, it's not the usual pain. It was a pain from the past. The one I shed millions
of tears for three years, until now.

I bit my lip and held my tears at bay. Ayaw kong umiyak sa araw na 'to. This was
supposed to be a happy reunion, kahit na alam kong malayo iyon sa katotohanan. I'd
rather face the wall than face him with tears in my eyes. That would only make
things worse.

The leaves rustled and danced as the air blew around me. I stopped for a while and
filled my lungs with fresh air. I felt the air swirling around me, touching my
skin. It felt nice. 

I missed this feeling, being free. 

Well, it looks like I have things to catch up to now that I'm back.

When I finally reached the door, nag-alinlangan pa akong gamitin ang sarili kong
susi. Naisip kong baka iniba na ni Alex ang lock ng bahay. But I was surprised when
I heard the click sound when I shoved and twisted the key inside the hole. The key
was a perfect fit.

Biglang pumasok sa isip ko na baka hinihintay ako ni Alex kaya hindi niya ginalaw
ang lock ng pinto. I mentally shook my head. Hindi na talaga ako natuto. Palagi pa
rin akong nag-iisip ng kung anu-ano mawala lang itong nararamdaman ko. Alam ko
naman na hindi gagawin ni Alex iyon.

Because I know the truth. And the truth was my husband hated me.

Stamping down the pain, I shoved the door open.

Napansin kong nanginginig pa rin iyong kamay ko. Pero binale-wala ko na lang iyon.
Wala akong dapat katakutan kasi alam kong hindi ako sasaktan ni Alex. It was the
other way around. Kaya nilakasan ko na lang ang loob ko.

My steps faltered a little when I entered the house.

Everything was still in place. The piano, the chairs, vases, the picture frames,
even the curtains...it's all still the same since I was gone.

Parang gusto kong lumabas at tumakbo paalis.

I expected worse... but not this.

I could face a wretched house. I could accept if Alex decided to refurnish and
replace everything that belongs to me.
But this? This I couldn't handle. Because I don't want to think Alex waited for me.

I fought for control. Hindi, Walang aalis. Walang tatakbo. Nanditio na ako. At
kailangan kong harapin si Alex ngayon.

Iniwan ko iyong dala kong bag sa may pintuan at nilapitan ko iyong mga picture
frames na nakapatong sa ibabaw ng glass cabinet kung saan nakalagay ang iba't ibang
collections ko ng scented candles. Pati iyon ay hindi ginalaw ni Alex.

Binilang ko iyong mga picture frames.

There were ten. Sampu lang. Kulang ng isa. At alam ko kung ano iyong wala.

Ang solo picture ko noong 20th birthday ko.

Baka binasag na ni Alex iyon. O kaya ay sinunog sa sobrang galit. Who knows what he
did when I was gone? For all I know, I might've drown from his curse.

Nakita ko iyong wedding picture namin sa may pinaka-gilid na bahagyang nagpangiti

sakin. It was a fading black and white photo, but that didn't mask the love and
happiness those two couples had.

When I think of the last time I felt happy...the last time I had a really good
laugh...the last time someone made me feel good and feel blessed...

I think of that man on the picture, smiling at that girl on a wedding dress.

Ang saya ko nong mga araw na iyon. Probably the happiest day I had since my
parents' untimely death. Pero hindi rin nagtagal ang kasiyahang iyon.

God had other plans for me.

With a heavy heart, I returned the picture back. A trip down to memory lane has
always been not good.

It was then when I heard a noise behind me as if someone came in.

"Who are you?"

I stilled and inhaled sharply at the sound of his voice. All at once,  memories
came rushing to me they almost made my head spin. I recognized his smell, the sound
of his voice, his presence... him.
He was still familiar to me even if I didn't laid eyes on him for the past three
years.

I forced my brain to shut off when a particular memory threatened to replay inside
my head. I couldn't protect my self from the shock. Pain sliced inside me.

I realized my barriers were not that strong enough. I had to pull myself together.
I wished I had more time, but I don't. I know I ran my luck out.

I have to face him, here and now. No turning back.

Ignoring that stinging pain burning inside, I turned around slowly, with my head
facing down. I heard him took a deep breath as I lifted my head and I was rendered
immobile at the sight of his devastating eyes. 

"Faith?" Alex said as he held his breath.

━━━━━━  « ღ » ━━━━━━ 

Follow me on twitter @iamAyamiLu

=================

Chapter ➋ | Rejection

Chapter ➋  |  Rejection

Tatlong taon kong hinanda ang sarili ko para sa pagdating ng araw na 'to. Hindi ko
na mabilang kung ilang ulit kong pinaginipan ang araw na ito...

Ang araw na makikita ko ulit ang lalaking minahal ko...ang lalaking pinakasalan
ko...

At ang lalaking iniwan ko.

The air felt heavy and I could feel the tension building up. All the time I was
waiting for him to shout at me and tell me to get out and leave and never show my
face again.
But they all didn't come.

Instead, I watched his face really looked at me. There were too much emotions
passed across from his face. And I watched there standing still as his recognition
turned into shock, to confusion, to disbelief...

And to much more potent expressions...

To hatred...

Anger... 

Disgust...

And rejection.

I nearly staggered off my feet. I felt like I was struck by a lightning, with fast
and stinging pain. Deadly.

So this was how it feels to feel rejected. Like you don't belong to some place any
more.

Ganon pala iyon. Masakit. Lalo na kapag inisip mo na ang taong nagreject sayo ay
iyong taong nagpapasaya sayo, nagbibigay pag-asa sayo, at pinapahalagahan mo. Iyong
taong pinrotektahan mo.

It was too painful.

And it really sank in to me that he must really hate me now that I was seeing it
with my own eyes and not just my ears. 

I couldn't take it anymore, the hurt. Suddenly, I felt a need to right myself and
come clean. I wanted to say something... to tell him everything, to make him
understand. But there were no words coming out of my mouth. I couldn't speak. Words
jumbled inside my brain and I didn't know where to begin, how to say them.

Then everything started to fell apart in my head. My walls were crumbling like an
avelanche. I can't hold on anymore.

I looked at Alex once more but he was just there. Unmoving. And his face was a mask
of anger.

I thought I was prepared... but I realized I'm not ready yet. I couldn't bear to
see him like this, hating me and looking so angry.
That was my downfall.

Pain was squeezing me tighter that I thought my heart would explode. It was all too
much for me to bear. Blood was being pumped heavily through my skull, my head
throbbed. I felt my world tilted and I instinctively grabbed onto something I
didn't recognize.

I knew I was falling and there was no one would catch me.

The last thing I remembered when I slipped out of consciousness was a memory of his
face smiling down on me.

 * * * * *

I was awake. But I waited for a moment before I opened my eyes.

It's always like this for me ever since I left. I wake up, wait for a moment to
grasp those dreams I longed for before I let reality rush back in, feel if there
was a pain, and feel if I was still fine and well.

And this time, I know I was not on my bed. I was lying down on a soft mattress and
I could smell something... nice.

Like something I've always imagined...

My eyes flew open and there he was. My husband.

Hindi ako nananaginip. Nakikita ko siya ngayon. Nakaupo siya sa isang maliit na
pang-isahang sofa, nakayuko, at mukhang malalim ang iniisip. He wore that face
every time he's thinking of a solution.

Naalala ko tuloy, ako ang problema niya ngayon. At ako ang hinahanapan niya ng
solusyon.

Something tore my heart. Masakit isipin na hindi na ako mahal ng taong mahal ko.
Pero hindi ko rin maiwasang malungkot dahil kasalanan ko kung bakit iyon nangyari,
kung bakit lumayo ang loob niya sakin. Kung bakit siya galit at kung bakit mas
gugustuhin niyang hindi na ako bumalik. Iniwan ko siya at nagpakalayo nang walang
rason.

Now that he was closer, I could see that he was not the same... if anything, he's
more handsome than before. Kahit parang patay ang mga mata niya noong nakatingin
siya sakin kanina, kahit wala na ang pamilyar na mga ngiti niya... iyon pa rin ang
mukhang gusto kong makita sa tuwing imumulat ko ang aking mga mata.
"You're awake." his voice brought me back. Nakatingin na pala siya sa akin.

Tumayo siya at kinuha ang damit na nakapatong sa upuan. "Doon tayo sa baba kung
gusto mo akong makausap." Lumabas na siya ng kuwarto nang hindi man lang ako
tinitingnan. Nakita kong iniwan niyang nakabukas ang pintuan.

Bumagsak ang mga balikat ko. Hindi ko na naman naiwasang malungkot. Some other
time, Alex would never say that to me using that kind of tone. It was so cold it
almost freeze me. His familiar warmth was gone. It was like I didn't know him at
all.

And it hurts more to think that I was the one who did that to him.

Sinaway ko ang sarili ko. I couldn't think like that. I had to choose then and I
did. And even if I had to choose again, I would do it all over again.

With a sigh, I began to sit up slowly. Noon ko lang napansin kung nasaan ako.

I was in our bedroom. At katulad ng bahay, wala ring pinagbago ang buong kuwarto.
Pati iyong tukador, nandoon pa rin lahat ng mga gamit ko. Pati mga damit ko sa
cabinet, malinis na naka-hanger at nakatupi.

Nagtaka ako kung papaano ako nakarating dito? 

And then I remembered. I fainted, didn't I?

Napabuntong hininga ako. Hindi ko inasahang mangyayari iyon. Parang gusto kong
matawa sa sarili ko, at maawa. Sa lahat pa ng oras na mahihimatay ako, sa oras na
iyon pa. Sa harap pa ni Alex. Ano na lang ang iisipin niya? 

And thinking Alex had to carry me all the way up here was not doing me any good.
Infact, it only made me feel woser. 

Napabuntong hininga ulit ako. Sinasayang ko lang ang oras ko rito kakaisip.
Hinihintay na ako ni Alex sa ibaba. Kailangan ko na siyang harapin. Hindi ko siya
dapat paghintayin. He waited long enough.

Pagkatapos kong ayusin ang sarili ko ay lumabas na ako ng kuwarto. Kinakabahan ako
habang bumababa ako ng hagdan. Hindi ko alam ang sasabihin ko oras na tanungin ako
ni Alex.

It was funny, though. Kasi palagi ko pang sinasaulo iyong mga sasabihin ko sa kanya
oras na magkita kami. Pero ngayon, ni isang salita ay hindi ko maalala. Parang
nablanko ang isip ko. Paano pa kaya kapag nakaharap ko ulit si Alex? 
I laced my fingers and uttered a silent prayer. I could use some strength right
now. Hindi ko masasabi kay Alex ang gusto kong sabihin kapag naunahan na naman ako
ng takot at kaba. At hindi dapat mangyari iyon.  

Pagbaba ko, nakita ko siyang nakatayo at nakaharap sa bintana. He looked taller

than I remembered. At mas lumaki pa ng kaunti ang katawan niya. He looked harder
and intimedating like that. He was making me feel like a worthless ordinary person
who as not worthy of his presence and his attention. 

Pero kahit papaano medyo natuwa ako kasi kahit papaano hindi siya nawalan ng
timbang katulad ng inaalala ko. He looked fit and healthy. That was good, right?

Pero kalahati pa rin sa puso ko ang nalungkot at nasaktan. Kasi tanda lang iyon na
kinalimutan na talaga ako ng asawa ko.

"Hindi ko na patatagalin ang usapang ito." narinig kong sabi niya nang hindi man
lang lumilingon sakin. Parang alam na alam niya kung nasaan ako. "Bakit ka
nandito?"

Kahit hindi siya nakaharap, ramdam ko ang galit at poot ni Alex ngayon. The fact
that he didn't even wait for me to have a seat, it was obvious he was itching to
throw me out of the house.

Pinilit kong kalmahin ang sarili ko. I wanted to be in control of my emotions right
now. I needed to be in control. Dahil ayokong maging mahina. Ayokong magpatalo sa
konsensya ko.

Tumigil ako ilang layo mula sa kanya. I took a deep breath before I spoke.

"Alex, I'm staying."

━━━━━━  « ღ » ━━━━━━ 

=================

Chapter ➌ | Confrontation

Chapter ➌  |  Confrontation 

Everybody calls him Xander. But I liked calling him Alex. He didn't like it at
first. But he got used to it and didn't mind being called Alex. Ako lang yata ang
tumatawag sa kanya sa pangalan na iyon.

And then, when we got married, he confessed it was his favorite name. At ako lang
daw ang may permiso na tawagin siyang Alex.

But seeing how his body tensed, I don't know if he liked being called Alex by his
runaway wife. Or maybe there was something about what I said that made him tick.

"You're staying." he said in a low dangerous voice that made me shiver. Inulit lang
niya ang sinabi ko na parang naghihintay ng kompirmasyon. Na parang gusto niyang
intindihin lalo ang ibig kong sabihin... ang pakay ko.

I held my breath when he turned slowly. So slowly. "After all these years..." He
was so cool and controlled I feared he would snap in two.

"Alex―" I started but...

"Bakit, Faith?"

I was forced to shut my mouth.

"Nagsawa ka na ba sa pagiging buhay-dalaga mo kaya gusto mo nang bumalik at umuwi

rito na parang walang nangyari? You really like rubbing it in my nose, did you?" he
said as cool and distant as a stranger could be.  

I couldn't believe what he just said. He was charging me something I haven't done.
Gusto kong sabihing mali ang iniisip niya. Mali lahat. Gusto ko siyang sampalin sa
mga sinabi niya. Pero naisip ko na galit si Alex kaya niya nasasabi ang mga iyon
ngayon.

At dapat lang iyon pagkatapos ng ginawa ko sa kanya.

Huminahon ako. "Alex, hindi ako umalis para gawin iyang binibintang mo―"

He slashed his hand in an empty space to shut me up again. And I did. "Don't start
explaining now. You're three years too late to make me listen to your crap of an
excuse." his face was very taut and stark.

He was not capable of hurting me physically in the past. But right now, his tongue
was like a sword with sharp edges. It was making me bleed inside.

I felt my throat constrict with tears... but I swallowed them down. I needed to
make him listen to me. I couldn't let him scare me away. "Will you just sit down
and listen to me for a minute? Just listen to what I have to say."
He only took two strides to walk over to me. "Enough!" he shouted. 

Napahakbang ako palayo sa gulat. He never shouted, not in front of me. Never on me.

Alex was always calm. Even when he's faced with his business associates, he always
had his emotions locked up.

But as I stared wide-eyed at his furious face, I knew I had him at his breaking
point. I never thought he would one day lose his temper on me. Not until today.

Naramdaman ko ang paggapang ng takot sa dibdib ko. Alam ko kung ano ang daratnan ko
oras na bumalik ako rito. I'll be facing their anger. But I never lose hope. I
thought I could make him listen. I thought I could talk to him...

Who was I kidding?

I dreamed for this moment for so long―to finally see him again. I never expected,
not even in my imagination, that Alex would be pleased and ecstatic to see me
again. I knew that. Even if I fooled myself into believing that he will at least
feel relieve to see me, I knew he wouldn't be glad to have me back again. But...

Maiintindihan kaya niya kapag sinabi ko sa kanya ang totoo? Would he even believe
me?

As I looked into his eyes, I only saw his rage. What is he thinking? I wondered.
What was going on inside his head? Kahit papaano, ayokong nag-iisip siya ng masama
tungkol sakin. Dahil hindi niya alam ang nangyari. 

Sinubukan kong tingnan siya sa mata. I wanted to show him I wasn't afraid of him,
even if the truth was my knees were shaking. "Alex, ako ang asawa mo. Huwag mo sana
akong pag-isipan ng masama nang dahil lang sa may nagawa akong isang kasalanan
sayo. Kung gusto mo, sasabihin ko sayo ang lahat, ang totoong dahilan kaya kita
iniwan, kaya ako umalis noon para maintindihan mo―"  

He suddenly grabbed both my arms and jerked me against him. I winced as his grip
tightened around my arms. He was hurting me. "You want me to understand? Ang alin,
Faith?!"

Hindi ako makapagsalita. I lost all the coherent thoughts I had. Masyadong malapit
ang mukha niya. Pati hininga niya ay nalalanghap ko na rin sa sobrang lapit niya.
His proximity was affecting me, like he always did ever since we first met. Lalo na
ngayon...

His eyes narrowed into tiny slits, his face was taut, and his voice was full of
scorn. "Don't you dare try to make up some lame excuses for what you did, Faith."
humigpit pa lalo ang mga kamay niya sakin. "I know what happened that night. Alam
ko kong ano ang ginawa mo. Malinaw na malinaw pa sa isipan ko iyon. You left me
without a word, remember?  Not one word, Faith. Do I deserve as much as that from
you?" every syllables of his every word were like a poisoned-tip arrows piercing my
heart, my body, and my soul. Dumaan sa isipan ko ang gabing iyon... kung ano ang
ginawa ko. Kung ano ang iniwan ko.

"How dare you say you're my wife when you already gave up that right the moment you
set foot outside this house? Now you're coming back after three God damn years and
try to make me understand what you did to me? Do me a favor, would you? Go back to
where you were hiding. I don't need you here anymore." he gritted those words and
they numbed me.

I lost my ability to speak. I couldn't trust myself. His words... they were so
painful they robbed me off my explanation.

He was right for so many things. But he was wrong for one thing―one single thing he
could not understand...

...will never understand.

Yes, I left him, and everything else I had and loved. I left because I had to
leave. I had to sacrifice everything for the sake of not hurting them. I left not
for me but for him. I left because I couldn't let him suffer for me...

I left because I want him to be happy. 

So even if I had to give up being his wife, if that will keep me from hurting him,
then I was willing to do that over and over again.

I looked away from his incensed eyes. Kung ganito lang din ang iniisip niya tungkol
sa akin, hindi ko pa siguro puwedeng sabihin sa kanya ang lahat. Because he might
not understand... he will never believe me.

Paano ko sasabihin sa kanya kung kahit siya ay hindi ako mapatawad?

Even I took time before I accepted the truth and it was long before I forgave
myself for what I did. He needed time as well...

A lot of time.

So I can't leave him alone even if he begged me for it. Not yet.

Naramdaman kong unti-unting nawawala ang inipon kong lakas.  My control was
beginning to slip away. I could feel my body was on the verge of breaking down.
This fight was leaving me tired... and hopeless. 
But I have to keep myself strong. I couldn't let him see my weakness. He would just
use it against me.

Ginamit ko ang natitira lakas ko para umalis sa pagkakahawak niya sa braso ko. He
let me go at once.

Humakbang ako paatras at tuluyang lumayo habang hawak-hawak ko ang mga braso kong
nasaktan. Alam kong magkakapasa iyon. But that was the least of my problem right
now.

He watched me with those icy cold eyes as I backed away. And I thought, was this
the same man I married all those years ago?

Yes. Somewhere deep down, I know he was still there. I just have to wait for him to
come back.

I turned away and offered him my back. I needed to gather myself, to pick my
strength up. I needed to stay firm and appear unaffected. That was the only way to
disguise my pain and to tell him without fainting beneath his feet that I'm staying
even if he pushed me out.

He really had no idea what it was costing me to stand here and tell these to him.

When I felt ready enough to talk again, I turned around and faced him, eyes
flashing. He looked surprised, but his resolve hardened again. Maybe he thought I'd
give up so easily. He should've known that giving up was never on my list of
options.

I hitched up my chin and squared my shoulders. "I know I should've said something
before. Alam kong nasakatan kita nang umalis ako ng wala man lang ni isang salita.
Walang paliwanag. But you have to believe me, Alex. I had my reasons." at hindi mo
gustong malaman iyon ngayon. "But that's not the point of all this. I am home. I
came back. I don't care if you hate me right now. This is still my house, this was
my home. And I will stay as long as I want with or without your permission."

With a final glace at his stony masked face, I walked away. 

━━━━━━  « ღ » ━━━━━━ 

=================

Chapter ➍ | Alone

Chapter ➍  |  Alone 
When I finally reached my room, I felt my legs sagged as I closed the door shut
behind me. I finally let myself go. I let my legs crumpled as I slid to the ground
completely.

Even though I felt safe here behind the closed door of my room, far away from Alex,
I could still see the look on his face, how he looked at me dispassionately, and
feel his wrath. The savage anger, the deep hatred... 

I knew it would be hard for him to forgive me. Hindi pa nawawala ang galit niya
sakin at sa ginawa ko noon. It wasn't enough that I came back. 

I held a fist to my chest, as if that would soothe the pain inside me.

For a long time, I stayed like that, sitting against the door with my legs tucked
under me, hand on my chest... and my face was wet with tears...

I realized I am still weak. I thought I wouldn't  be able to shed another tears if
I came back...But I was completely wrong.

Alex would always be the reason for these tears.

* * * * *

Lumipas ang ilang oras bago ako umalis sa kinasasadlakan ko.

I got up and went to the bathroom to make myself a bit presentable. I couldn't let
Alex see me like this. Hindi niya dapat makita na naapektuhan ako, na mahina ako.
Ayokong patawarin niya ako dahil lang sa naaawa siya sakin.

Kung maaawa man siya sakin.

Sa hitsura niya kanina, sa reaksyon niya nang makita ulit niya ako pagkatapos ng
ilang taong pagkawala ko... I was aware he wouldn't look at me with pitiful eyes.  

I washed my face and cooled my puffy eyes.

I looked paler than before, my cheeks were flushed, my nose was pink from crying,
and my eye rims were reddish...

I sighed. I shouldn't cry if I have to look like this. Hindi maganda sa paningin.
My hair looked worst. It lost its vibrancy because of... I shrugged away those
painful memories and focused on the mirror. Thank God it grew more before I came
back. Umabot na iyon hanggang balikat ko. Dati rati, hanggang beywang ko lang ang
haba niya. Alex used to love my hair. He didn't want me to cut it. Kaya hinayaan ko
ng humaba.

Napansin kaya niya ang pagbabago sa buhok ko?

I lost so much weight, too. Napangiwi ako sa sobrang laki ng pinayat ko. My collar
bone were so stark and my wrists were so thin. 

I gasped when I suddenly remembered Alex carrying me up here when I fainted. Bigla
akong nakaramdam ng pag-aalala.

Napansin kaya niya ang nawalang timbang ko?

If he did, he didn't seem to mind, though.   

I stared back at my reflection. And I saw her―the girl in the mirror, staring back
at me with those eyes...

Eyes that were full of misery... pain... agony...There were no trace of

happiness... love... and life in it. She looked lost... hopeless...

Napaisip ulit ako kung ano ba ang pumasok sa isip ko at bumalik pa ako rito? I
could have vanished without a trace. I shouldn't have came back. This would only
complicate things. Alex looked unhappy and he didn't want anything to do with me.
Mas gusto niyang umalis na lang ako at huwag ng magpakita. He wanted me to leave
him alone.  

Pero naalala ko ang sinabi Jed.

"...You need a peace of mind, Faith. Para iyon sa sarili mo..."

Napabuntong-hininga ako. Tama si Jed. Kaya ako nandito ngayon dahil para na rin sa
ikakatahimik ng kalooban ko. There was no time left.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw my bag at the foot of the bed. Siguro ay dinala
iyon ni Alex kanina.

Kinuha ko iyong malinis na tuwalya na nakasabit sa gilid at pinunasan ang basang

mukha ko saka lumabas.

I stood in front of the window and looked outside. I can't see anything beyond the
darkness. It would be some time before I wouldn't be able to see these things at
all...

Inalis ko sa isipan ko iyon at inabala ko na lang ang sarili ko sa pag-impake ng

mga gamit ko.

I didn't brought much things with me. Kaunting damit, personal items, at kaunting
pera lang ang dala ko... and of course this.

A brown envelope hidden inside my bag.

It was the annulment papers I received from my lawyer three days I go before I
turned up here.

Matagal na pa lang nasa lawyer ko since that fateful night. Ang sabi ni Mrs.
Trinidad, kinontact siya ng lawyer ni Alex one year after I left. It was a pending
case since I was not present to sign the legal documents two years ago. Dalawang
taon ng naghihintay ang kampo ni Alex tungkol sa annulment na 'to.

Somewhere far away, I heard voices... arguing... a man and a woman. Again, the same
pain lancd through me as I remembered those conversation...

Hindi pa man ako nakakaapak sa opisina ni Attorney, inasahan ko ng ibibigay niya

sakin 'to. Why would I have to turn up to her office if I haven't?

But now that I was back... itutuloy pa rin ba ni Alex iyon? Did Alex find someone
else already to replace me?

I felt my throat closed over. My chest tightened.

What if I didn't leave then? Would he still accuse me of being unfaithful to him? 

I shook my head and deflected away from that thought. If I had to look back and
redo the past then that would mean...

I stopped my painful thoughts. Hindi dapat ganoon. Kasi hindi maiiwasang mangyari
ito, na nanaisin ni Alex na magsimula ulit. And when that time comes, I wouldn't be
here anymore. Kaya dapat na akong masanay sa bagay na ito, sa pakiramdam na iyon.

Because Alex would have to marry soon, and I wouldn't be his bride.

Narinig kong bumukas iyong pintuan.

Mabilis kong itinago ang hawak kong papel. I took a huge breath before I turned to
it.

Alex.

The room suddenly felt suffocating. Hindi ko inasahang aakyat pa siya rito. I
didn't even realize I didn't lock the door.

Seeing his harsh face again and the way his eyes flashed with something like...
disgust told me that he... my husband hated me with all his heart.

"May kailangan lang akong balikan sa opisina. Sasabihin ko lang sayo na bukas ang
pintuan kung gusto mong umalis. So by all means, you are free to go and leave."

And don't come back ever again...

The words, unspoken, hung heavy in the air.

I put my hand in my temple because it started to throb. "Alex. I told you, I'm not
going anywhere. I came back to stay as long as I want."

His mouth tightened into displeasure. Yes, he was not liking my presence so far.
But he would have to deal with it from now on. Because I don't plan going anywhere.
"For now, I'll let you sleep here tonight. But I'm expecting you gone tomorrow."

I stifled a desperate sigh. Why wouldn't he listen to me? 

He started to leave when I called out for his name. Hindi ako papayag na basta-
basta na lang niyang sasabihin ang gusto niya at aasahang masusunod iyon. "Alex―"

But his cold gaze was enough to stop me from speaking. "Stop calling me that name."
he said harshly. "And remember this, Faith; you left and ran away. You deserted me.
So it only means that your life as my wife was over. So it's up to you if you want
to make this harder for the both of us." then he left.

When I heard the door closed shut...

My heart fell apart.

━━━━━━  « ღ » ━━━━━━ 

=================
Chapter ➎ | Ultimatum

Chapter ➎  |  Ultimatum

I woke up feeling tired and exhausted. It was like one of those many nights when I
fall asleep into a deep slumber from a numbing pain. Then I realized...

There's no nightmare for today.

I sighed gratefully before I sat up. Hindi na ulit ako nadadalaw ng bangungot na
iyon sa nakalipas na mga araw. I looked around and I realized where I was.

I was in a familiar place. But it was not the dreaded white of my nightmare. Of my
recent past.

I was in my room... I was home. I came back. And I saw Alex again...

Nagsunod-sunod ang mga nangyari kahapon sa utak ko. It played like a horror movie
in my head. And together with it was the emotions I felt yesterday. They all came
crushing down on me...

At naalala kong hindi na uli siya bumalik simula nong umalis siya para pumunta sa
trabaho, hanggang sa sunduin na ako ng antok.

Siguro iniwasan lang niyang matulog dito kagabi. Ako lang mag-isa ang tao rito. Nay
Julia wasn't here. Kahapon iyong araw na umuuwi siya sa probinsiya nila. And
perhaps, Alex didn't want to be alone with me.

Did he come home last night?

Kumain ba siya?

Saan siya natulog?

Did he always stay that late to work?

Napabuntong-hininga ulit ako. I really don't know anything about him anymore. And
I'm scared to ask him those simple questions like I used to.

We were not like this... separated with huge space, like there's a thick wall
between us that I couldn't break down. We used to have something precious.
And that was gone now.

I could still remember that first day when we first met.

It took one look and I knew I fell in love. And he smiled because he knew he caught
me.

My heart always flutter whenever I thought of that, and I couldn't help but smile
through my tears. Because memories like those were bittersweet. They were just
memories. A fragment of the past. A past I couldn't relive.

Just then, I heard the door burst open and I almost jumped out of my skin. 

"I see you're still here." Alex said darkly, hovering by the door as he fixed those
laser eyes on me.  

When did he come home? Dumating ba siya kagabi o ngayon lang?

I could see he just took a shower. Basa pa rin ang buhok niya at hindi pa maayos
ang damit niya. His buttons were done half-way and he was working with his sleeves,
like he used to when he's bothered with something.

I looked at him warily as I scooted over the edge of the bed to properly face him.

He wouldn't fling me down stairs, would he?

I laughed at my own silly thought. Hindi ganon si Alex. He wouldn't hurt me lik
ethat, would he? Isa pa, hindi niya gagawin iyon para lang paalisin ako. 

He started to walk inside the room and paced near the window. He was making my head
spin but I kept quiet and waited until he stopped. He was facing away from me as he
continued to roll up his sleeves. With his attention outside the window he said; "I
believe your lawyer gave you the annulment papers I sent two years ago."

I felt my blood run cold at the way he coolly said those words. "I want you to sign
them immediately. I don't like to wait for another week or days for that paper to
be processed." he continued impassively. 

My chest felt tight. Tears sprang in my eyes but I bit my lip to keep my self from
crying. Pain against pain.

I looked down and I realized I was clutching the blanket so tight I though it would
rip. It was a good thing Alex was not looking at me right now. I wouldn't want him
to see me almost breaking down like this. So I tried to flex my hands to help me
calm down a bit.

I waited a moment before I spoke. "Alex, kadarating ko pa lang. Hindi ba masaydo

pang maaga kong pipirmahan ko ang bagay na iyon? We could wait. Kaunting oras lang
naman ang hihilingin ko."

He didn't even turn to face me. "You already wasted three years of my time and I'm
running out of patience." tumahimik siya at itinigil ang ginagawa. He thought for a
while and said, "But I guess I could spare you a week. After all, you've done me a
big favor." he stated carelessly. "If you didn't turn up now I wouldn't be able to
seek an annulment without your consent. So you actually saved me the tedious job of
tracking you down." his voice assumed a bored tone which did even more damage to my
already battered heart.

A week. His giving me just a week.

Yet I needed more than that. He couldn't really wish to see me disappear so soon. I
know he was not ready yet. 

I swallowed the bile that was starting to choke me. "Listen to me, Alex. We don't
have to annul this marriage. I know we can still save this. We can work this out.
I'm here, aren't I?"

Slowly, he turned and fixed me with those laser eyes again. His face was regal,
hard, and uncompromising. "You think I would be so delighted to see the woman who
said she loved me and yet managed to walk away without even a backward glance and
play a happy reunited family?"

I hated his words because they hurt, and they hurt because they were true.

But I couldn't let them hurt me. I had my reasons. And I needed to be strong.

I raised my chin and met his eyes. I could crumble later. But not now. "I love
you." even those words hurt me for it's truth. "And I still do. That's why I came
back and try to make this work. Us. That's all I want."

His laugh was filled with contempt. Then instantly his face darkened with anger.
"Don't make me laugh. There's no 'us'. You are a stranger to me right now. I know
you came back because your conscience couldn't handle the guilt. You want
forgiveness? Well, you will never get it from me, Faith. What you did was a crime
against me. And you don't deserve to be forgiven."

His words cut through my body. I said I love him and he wouldn't believe me. He
still couldn't forgive me. How could he not forgive me?

What if I tell him the truth now? Would he forgive me then?

No. He still wouldn't. He hates me too deep. I hurt him too deep and he still bears
that scar I left him. And that's why I couldn't leave him yet. I have to mend it
and make him believe in love, in magic... to have faith and hope again. I want him
to live even I wasn't here anymore to see it.

"I can't go back now, Alex."

For a second, I thought I saw him stiffened. Like he was seeing another side of me.
Then he folded his arms, his eyes turned assessing and forbidding. "Tell me," He
said thoughtfully, "You want money, don't you?"

My mouth hung open. What was he saying?  

"You ran out of money so you came back with the annulment paper so you could have
the money from the prenup. Am I right, dear wife?"

I paled. Because it was also true, that I ran out of money and I needed money. But
not for the reasons he'd obviously guessed. That's not why I came back.

But he saw my reaction and I couldn't stop his calculating mind draw out a
completely foolish conclusion.    

"So this was a part of your grand plan, I see." He smiled grimly. "You know it
disappoints me how predictable you were."

Grand plan? If only he knew...

"I can't believe I married a gold-digger." he spatted those words like an acid
burning my skin. 

It was like a dagger straight to my heart. I never thought that this day would
come―that my husband would call me a gold-digger.

"Now don't look so wounded." he said tauntingly. "I won't fall for that kind of
poor trick anymore. If I had known how manipulative that innocent face could be, I
wouldn't even look at you twice. I under-estimated you. And the joke was on me."

He was already reaching out to the door when I snapped out of my paralysis. I
jumped out and grabbed him by the arm to keep him from leaving. I still need to
talk to him. I can't let him leave.

Pero mukhang nagulat siya sa ginawa ko. I didn't expect what his reaction would be.
He suddenly pushed me away and I was thrown at the bed. Then he looked at me with
vehemence. "Don't touch me again. You disgust me."

I was stricken. My heart thudded against my ribs. I felt scared. And I started to
shake. I knew I was going to cry. But I fought hard against it. A fleeting
expression passed across his face but it was already gone before I could name it.

I tried to move my legs and scrambled out of the bed and stood before him. My legs
were trembling so bad I thought they couldn't hold me up for long. I dug my nails
against my palm and forced my self to look at him again.

My eyes met his cold ones. "I'm sorry." I don't even know what I was sorry for. "I
just... I... I just wanted you to give me a chance. Please."

He looked at me with fury in his eyes. "Don't beg for a second chance. You're not
even worth it."

Hinarang ko ulit siya nong nagtangka ulit siyang lumabas. I didn't bulk when he
threw me an icy cold stare, even though my legs were already giving up on me. I
wouldn't let him intimidate me. 

I threw away my pride long time ago. I didn't have much to lose anyway. But I will
lose him forever if I don't do this. And right now, he was the only part of me that
I couldn't afford to lose.

"Just give me eight months. Eight months and I'll sign the papers." 

He looked surprised. But then his mind was already doing some calculations. "I'll
give you two months."

Ako naman ang nasurprisa. He was actually accepting my bid. He was giving me a
chance. A flutter of hope dispersed around my chest. "Seven." Sabi ko. I know I was
taking advantage of what he was offering but two months was not enough.

His eyebrows frowned. "Four." 

"Six months." 

His lips pressed into a tight line. "Five and that's all you're going to get,
Faith. You are in no position to argue."

I swallowed as I acknowledged my weak disposition. Tama siya. I had to think fast.

"Alex―"

He waved an impatient hand. "You're hardly in a position to negotiate. Five months

and you're gone. Take it or leave it." he said with a finality in his voice.

End of discussion. 

I stepped away when he reached over to open the door and left.  I let out the
breath I was holding.

Five months...

I still have five months to get this right.

I only have five months to say goodbye.    

━━━━━━  « ღ » ━━━━━━ 

=================

Chapter ➏ | The White Room

Chapter ➏  |  The White Room

Pagkatapos kong maligo at magbihis ay lumabas na ako ng kuwarto. Pagbukas ko ng

pinto, alam ko na kung sino ang maagang gumagalaw sa kusina.

Excited na akong bumaba kasi namimiss ko na ang luto ni Nay Julia. Bata pa lang ako
ay nagluluto na si Nay Julia sa pamilya namin. Para ko na rin siyang naging nanay
nang mawala ang sarili kong mga magulang.

Naamoy ko na ang luto ni Nay Julia na sa hagdan pa lang ako. It was Alex's
favorite. Pinakbet.

Sumilip ako sa kusina. "Nay, sa akin po ba iyan?"

Nahulog ni Nay Julia iyong hawak niyang sandok sa gulat nang makita ako. "Sus
maryosep!" tinakpan niya ang bibig niya. Alam kong umiiyak na siya. Kaya lumapit na
ako sa kanya. And I was welcomed with a warm bear hug.

My heart lurched in action. Because someone was glad to see me after what I did.
Kaya pati ako ay nakiiyak din sa kanya. Nakakalungkot lang na pati siya ay
kailangan ko ring iwan. "Na-miss niyo po ako ng sobra, no?"
"Pilya kang bata ka!" pinalo pa niya ako sa pang-upo ko. Natawa tuloy ako. "Pinag-
alala mo kami ng husto. Ni hindi man lang namin alam kung saan ka namin hahanapin
dahil hindi ka nag-iwan ng sulat. Alam mo ba kung ganong hirap ang dinanas ng asawa
mo sa paghahanap sayo? Naku, ikaw talagang bata ka! Ano bang pumasok sa ulo mo at
naisipan mong gawin ang kalokohang iyon?"

Kalokohan.

Iyon ba ang tawag sa ginawa ko?

I forced down that unwelcomed emotion I was so familiar with. "Nay Julia naman.
Kadarating ko pa lang sesermunan niyo na ako kaagad?" I playfully pinch her wet
cheeks.

Umiling-iling siya habang pinapahid ang gilid ng mata niya. "Pambihira kang bata
ka. Nag-alala lang naman kami ng lubos sa iyo. Bigla ka na lang nawala. Ni walang
nakakaalam kung saan ka nagpunta. Pati asawa mo halos mabaliw sa kakaisip sa iyo."

Bakit? Ano po ba ang nangyari kay Alex?

Iyon ang gusto kong itanong sa kanya pero ayokong ituloy. Dahil ayokong marinig ang
isasagot niya. Ayokong marinig kung ano ang nangyari kay Alex pagkatapos ng ginawa
ko. Ayokong pagsisihan ang naging desisyon ko.

Because that would make me selfish.

"Mabuti na lang at umuwi ka na, hija." Naging seryoso siya habang hinwakan ako sa
kamay. "Dahil kung hindi ka pa dumating, hindi ko na alam kung ano na ang puwedeng
mangyari kay Xander." I felt her squeeze my hands. And I returned them.

How could I tell her that if I never left I would destroy him?

"Asan ka ba nagpunta at hindi ka man lang nila pinakain ng maayos. Ang payat-payat
mo na." she said as she turned me around checking me up.

Pinigil ko iyong kamay niyang nagpadaan-daan sa katawan ko. "Nay, hindi po kasi
kasing sarap ng luto nila iyong luto ninyo. Kaya minsan po, wala akong ganang
kumain."

She eyed me. "Ikaw talaga. Nagagawa mo pang mambola sa lagay na ito. O siya, umupo
ka na diyan at ihahain ko na itong niluluto ko." Pinaupo niya ako sa isang upuan at
pinulot ang bumagsak na sandok at hinulog iyon sa lababo bago bumalik sa pagluluto.
"Huwag kang magtitira ng kahit isang kanin. Ayaw kong may nasasayang na pakain."

Napangiti ako. "Alam ko po iyon, Nay. Kaya nga po umuwi ako eh."
She chuckled and then she looked over her shoulder and I saw the relief in her
eyes... and something like gratitude.

Gratitude. She was grateful I came home. Bakit? Iniisip din kaya ni Nay Julia na
kaya ako umalis dahil makasarili ako?

Maybe I was selfish. But that was entirely different...

I was torn between telling them the truth to save myself from this bitter criticism
and from keeping it all myself to save them from hurting, again.

Maybe I should keep my silence. Mas gugustuhin ko na lang na isipin nila ang
masasamang bagay na iyon tungkol sa akin kesa malaman ang totoo ngayon. Hindi ko
naman kayang ibalik ang oras. Wala din silang magagawa kapag nalaman nila ang
katotohanan.

And that would devastate them, knowing but doing nothing and watch me waste away.

Pero mas masakit sa akin ang panoorin silang nahihirapan. To know that they are
helpless. Because I know how it feels to be helpless. Feeling scared and alone.

Yeah. Maybe that's for the best.

  * * * * *

Wala akong ginawa buong maghapon kundi ang mag-ikot ng buong bahay. At nalaman ko
na ginawang kuwarto ni Alex ang isa sa mga guest room namin, malapit sa study room
niya.

Sa tingin ko, ang dalawang kuwartong iyon lang ang hindi ko pa nasisilip sa
paglilibot ko. Hindi ko magawang pumasok dahil alam kong hindi magugustuhan ni Alex
kapag nalaman niyang pumasok ako sa pribadong lugar niya sa bahay na ito, katulad
din sa buhay niya.

Kaya mananatili ako rito sa labas hanggang sa dumating ang araw na handa na siyang
patawarin ako.

What did I expect? Of course Alex wouldn't want to sleep on a bed that would only
remind him of his failure―Me.

He wouldn't want to spend a restless night dreaming a nightmare.

He wouldn't want to remember the wife who left him out in the cold.
He wouldn't.

Nagpaulit-ulit sa utak ko iyong nangyari kaninang umaga. Kung pano niya ako
naitulak dahil nandidiri siya sakin. He was so disgusted in me he never wanted me
to come near him again, let alone touch him.

He even called me a gold-digger. He thought I came back because of his money. He

was thinking the worst of me...And he will always will in those five months.

Did he have any idea how painful that was?

Yes, he did. Because he was in pain for three years. And he was deliberately doing
these to hurt me so it will lessen the pain he was feeling.

I guess I would be facing his bottled up fury over me.

My heart clenched with pain.

Life was indeed full of surprises.

One day you're happy and the next day you're sad and crying. One day you live your
dreams and fantasies but at night, you're living a nightmare. That was why I had
learned to let go of the things I loved dearly because I know what they will cost
me if I lose them.

Hindi ko hiniling na magkaroon ng ganitong klaseng buhay. I never even dreamed of

having a man like my husband. I wished nothing in any of these.

Yet God gave them to me as blessings. But there's no such thing as a free gift. He
wanted something in return.

Me.

And this chance I only have, I will live it in every waking hours, every seconds of
it with Alex. Even though I know he will never smile for me again.

* * * * *

Naramdaman ko ang pagod pagsapit ng alastres ng hapon. Umakyat na ako sa kuwarto

para makapagpahinga ako kahit saglit lang. Hinahabol na yata ako ng tulog dahil
hindi ako nakatulog ng maayos kagabi dahil sa paghihintay ko kay Alex.
When my eyes fluttered close, a vivid memory swarmed in my sleepy head...

It was my wedding day―the only memory that always lulled me to sleep when I was in
that terrible room.

Darkness swallowed my consciousness, and I drifted to sleep. 

An then I was back in that room.

The white room.

There were no more flowers. No more happy guests. No more Alex. I was inside an
empty white room. Alone. And I wore no wedding dress.

I knew I had to get out of there because if I didn't, I'd never leave. I could
never escape... and I'd never see him again.

Panic gripped me, making my body tremble. My heartbeat sped up faster.  

I couldn't seem to get off the bed. I could feel the belt tied around my arms and
my feet, restraining me. The covers of the bed was trapping me. 

I could her footsteps approaching, and I knew soone enough they were coming to lock
me in.   

I started to scream, but no sound emerges. My voice was gone.

Terror froze my limbs.

With scream strangled in my throat, I felt the salty hot tears fall down my face.

And then I felt I was being shaken.

I became conscious of two things at once. I realized I was dreaming―that same

dream. And I was being shaken.

My eyes flew open and clashed immediately with the most unforgettable eyes I ever
held. He looked down at me, impatience stamped all over his face.

I was home, not in that awful room.

"What the hell's wrong with you?" Alex said with annoyance sll over his face but I
didn't care. I just felt that overwhelming feeling to cling to something warm...
from him. "You were almost screaming the whole place down."

The terror of the dream was still so real that I still shuddered from it. I felt
completely disoriented. It was dark and I could feel him so close to me. Then I
remembered his face when I touched him this morning.

I jerked back. And he let me go when I moved.

"Anong oras na ba?" I asked instead. I tried to hide my fears but my trembling
voice betrayed me.

He looked at me for a moment before he glanced at my side table. "Half past

eleven." he mumbled.

"Ng gabi?"

He nodded and stood up. "Pinuntahan ka ni Nay Julia kanina para kumain pero
mahimbing ang tulog mo. So I told them to leave you alone." He studied me, and then
he asked harshly, "What just happened?"

Umiling ako. "Just... a bad dream. I ... I had no idea I was screaming out." I
tried to inhale some air to calm my nerves down. I was still reeling from the
aftershock of that terrifying dream...

"If it's likely to happen again―"

"It won't." I sent up a silent prayer. The dreams were a regular occurrence before.
Mainly they were tinged with sadness and sorrow, and I woke crying. But this one
had been more intense. "Really." Wanting his disturbing presence to be gone. "It
won't happen again."

"See that it won't."

By the time the door shut close, I let them all go...

My soundless tears.

━━━━━━  « ღ » ━━━━━━  

=================

Chapter ➐ | Scarred
Chapter ➐  |  Scarred

Alex stood at the window of his studyoffice. Hindi siya tumuloy sa kuwarto niya
pagkatapos niyang lumabas sa kuwarto ni Faith.

He looked at the distinctive lighthouse in the near distance, the wave after wave
of the silent water below, and saw none of it. His eyes were narrowed.

Faith. Lady Faith Erwin – Smith. His wife.

His mouth twisted into an even thinner line.

His errant wife. The wife who walked out on him and chose to abandon their marriage
just a year after their wedding because she was not ready to deal with it.

A drumbeat of rage beat under the surface of his skin. Stunning him with force. 

It was still burned deep into his mind what happened that fateful night, like a
bloodsucking leech draining him his blood.

It was a year after their wedding and he planned to surprise her. That morning,
Faith was not feeling well. She's been having constant headache and she was
frequently tired. He wanted to stay with her that day but she insisted that she was
fine and he should go to work.

He left her to rest but he couldn't possibly leave his wife alone and sick in home
so he returned early – only to find her gone.

Gone.

Kung anu-anong bagay na ang pumasok sa isipan niya. She was sick and she was
nowhere inside the house. He thought she was in danger... or maybe worse...

Hinanap niya si Faith sa lahat ng hospital malapit sa bahay nila, sa mga kaibigan
nila, sa lahat ng sulok na alam niyang pinupuntahan nito.

Weeks passed...

Months...
And then years...

He had not laid eyes on her from that moment to this.

He still reeled with the shock of seeing her two days ago, when he saw her standing
inside the house she left behind all those years.

He thought he was seeing a mirage... a ghost from the past. But no, he was not.

She was there. Alive and breathing.

She came back after three years of despair. She came home when he was able to
forget her.

He reeled with violent stream of emotions that seeing her again evoked within
him―emotions he tried hard to suppress long ago, on that day, when she showed him
her true nature and revealed to him how unbelievably duped he allowed himself to
become. But he prided himslef to show not a hint of his inner emotions showed on
his face now.

Why couldn't she have just totally disappear? Why couldn't she leave him alone?

He knew damn well why.

She was back to get everything her greedy little hands could clutch. No doubt
including his money. She came back from whatever rock she'd been hiding under, like
an actress poised in the wings of the stage, ready to make her entrance.

It utterly galled him that even though she had behaved reprehensively she could
easily swam back to the scene like she have rights. As much as he wanted to turn
around, walk away, forget she existed, he couldn't.

Gusto niyang bawiin ang sinabi niya noong mag-usap sila kaninang umaga. Why the
hell did he even contemplate over the thought of giving her a second chance when he
knew well her real intentions?

How could he even think that he could actually forgive her after what she had done
to him? To their marriage?

She was not even worth it.

Yet, much to his dismay, faced with her benign sleeping form, he was helpless
against a rush of memories.
The first time he'd seen her across a packed function room where he had come to
meet Daniel Sebastian Erwin, Faith's father. He was one of the most powerful and
influential man in the business industry. Everybody wanted to be on his good side.
Everyone wanted a piece of the old man's money.

But not him.

He'd seen her across that crowded room. She'd been unbelievably gauche-looking―too
gauche, in fact as if she was a child lost in a cruel world.

He didn't expect her to be the daughter of Daniel, a business tycoon. Wala sa

hitsura nito ang pagkakaroon nito ng dugong bughaw.

And he became fascinated with her.

She did not notice him that night. She was busy frowning and scowling at every
people staring at her, men in particular. She'd been attracting attentions even
though she's too timid and clumsy. And she seemed oblivious about it.

Somehow it did not settle well with him, living unnoticed. But he thought maybe he
was just that―fascinated.

But it was proven wrong when he met her the second time. Like an old cliché, their
eyes met. He was taken how she looked at him with seriousness―a rather different
look from what he was used to receiving.

It took him a hard time introducing himself. He had no idea what she might think of
him. Because it mattered to him.

A glitter lurked behind those beautiful eyes, and she smiled.

He caught his breath. His heart stopped.

In her smile, he saw something more beautiful than the stars.

And he knew that this girl was the one...

...or so he thought.

His mouth tightened in rejection of the way his thoughts seemed to be defying him,
leading him to a place he vowed he would never want to visit again.

What he did not counted on was how his meekly unassuming wife could turn his life
upside down in just one strike. What it did to him when he discovered the true
depth of her avaricious and shallow nature.

What it did to him to come back into this house to find her gone, leaving nothing
but her wedding rings.

It made him the biggest fool―because all along, right up to that moment, he
believed her to be different.

He felt like the whole world was laughing on him right now.

He stepped noiselessly back out of the room and vowed with everything in his body,
with every drop of his blood that she would pay for her actions a million times
over.       

━━━━━━  « ღ » ━━━━━━ 

=================

Chapter ➑ | My Alter Ego

Chapter ➑  |  My Alter Ego

The following morning, I felt groggy and my head felt heavy on my neck. But even
so, I tried to stand up and got off the bed. I pulled the drapes further from the
window, letting the sunlight stream into the room. I noticed the French door and I
opened it wider.

A bird called outside, the warmth came in on the light breeze.. and I felt myself
respond to it instinctively. I inhaled the morning mist just around the cold
breeze, letting it into my bone. And it felt good. Parang unti-unting nawawala ang
sakit sa balikat ko.

I've never felt this good since I left...

And I am grateful I was able to come home and feel this again.

Last night.

Last night was terrible. I remembered Alex waking me up from that awful dream. He
was here last night. He heard me screaming in my sleep.
Did I scare him?

No. He didn't look so frightened when I saw his face against the darkness.
Apparently, he looked pissed and impatient. 

"Good morning, hija." Sumilip si Nay Julia sa nakabukas na pintuan.

"Good morning." I echoed.

Ngumiti si Nay Julia. "Mabuti at gising ka na. Magbihis ka na at nang makapag-

almusal ka."

After a quick shower, I went downstairs. A voice stopped me from entering the
dining room.

I felt self-conscious all of a sudden, well aware that I must look shabby. I just
didn't have to worry about clothes in so long, and I certainly did not expected him
to be here. I thought he would be gone by now.

My mind flew those concerns as I approached the dining room. With my heart thumping
erratically, I took a deep breath and went in.

Two sets of eyes turned to me. One I did my best to block out.

I focused on Nay Julia as I came in, unable to help a smile from spreading across
my face. She looked like a mother hen, fussing over at Alex. She smiled at me as
she came to me and gave me a peck at my face.

For one very normal and wry moment, I didn't doubt for a second that she would let
Alex go without finishing those food piled up on his plate. But even that thought
made my heart twist.

Because that was what I used to do.

Reluctantly I looked away and greeted Alex. "I trust you sleep well." His tone was
as arctic as his eyes. I nodded and said nothing.

Nay Julia broke the uncomfortable ensuing silence. "Niluto ko ang mga paborito mong
ulam ngayon hija. Naku! Mabuti na lang at nagawi rito sa kusina itong asawa mo.
Matagal na niyang hindi natitikman itong mga lutong ito. Palibhasa'y palaging sa
mga mamahaling restaurant kumakain. Ano hija, masarap ba?"

Alex slid a mocking glance at me, and then a more benign one to Nay Julia. "Ayoko
naman po kayong pagurin sa pagluluto kung wala naman pong kakain."
I felt a myriad insults in that comment, but either Nay Julia was oblivious to the
tension or else she was a very good actress and she chattered on about the cleaning
the house, asking questions to me and to Alex.

In truth, I was relieved that the older woman was here, to divert Alex's attention
from me.

"Tumawag kagabi ang Mommy mo. Daanan mo raw siya ngayon kasama ang kapatid mo."
sabi ni Nay Julia kay Alex. 

My insides clenched in instinctive self-protection at the mention of his sister. At

least she did not know yet that I returned.

Relief flooded in me. I needed to be thankful for small mercies. As it was, I was
sure I'd have to face them sooner or later. And I didn't believe that time and
circumstances would have made her sister more amiable to me.

Just then, the old woman stood up, excusing herself. Leaving me alone with my
estranged husband.

"No more dreams last night?" he asked.

I shook my head, "No."

He eyed me and I looked away and down, trying to hide those purple shadow beneath
my eyes. "I'm sure," he drawled conversationally, "that it's your guilty
conscience."

My head jerked up. His words cut right through me with the precision of a knife.
"Alex..." my voice felt unused and too husky from the tears that were trying to
rise up. "All I ask is for a chance. That's all. I'm here on your terms. I won't do
anything that you don't want me to do. I just want a chance. That's all."

I watched his ramrod-straight back, his body held tight. "You're getting the best
chance you'll ever get or deserve. You're here, aren't you?" he gritted out.

I nodded again and looked down, my hair falling across my cheek shielding my eyes
from him. "Thank you."

Abruptly, he stood from the table, dropping his napkin. He looked at me sternly.
"You're here as I said primarily because I have no choice―and also because I know
you won't last a week." His eyes flickered disparagingly over my worn clothes. "All
this effort and play-acting... you really don't need to bother you know."

He turned, about to walk out of the door, and I gathered my strength from
somewhere, storing my hurt at his words deep down, I stood up, the sound of the
chair harsh on the floor.

"Wait." I called. He stopped and turned, impatience and intransigence stamped on

every line of his body. "Gusto ko sanang makita si Tita Irene." I held my breath.
If he was going to refuse me...

He walked back in then, and came to stand close. I gripped the table with one hand,
slightly off balance after the way I had stood up. "I only agreed for you to stay.
So don't get any ideas."

I watched as he walked away, again, and out of the room as I felt my shoulder
sagged.

* * * * *

I was busy cleaning my room that afternoon. Inalis ko sa sa kuwarto iyong mga
lumang gamit ko. Mga expired na gamit, lumang damit, sapatos na hindi ko na
puwedeng isuot. Lahat. Then maybe I could give them to those less fortunate people
who would wear them as I wore them. Happy.

Nakarinig ako ng ingay sa ibaba. I called for Nay Julia pero mukhang wala siya sa
bahay. Kaya ako na lang ang bumaba.

"Faith?"

Pagtingin ko sa ibaba, nakita ko ang best friend ko. Si Emma. Then I heard someone
shrieked.

The voice came from me.

At bago ko pa mapigilan ang sariling mga paa ko, tinakbo ko iyong hagdanan pababa,
with her meeting me halfway and threw me a fierce hug.

I felt home.

Emma. She's been my person, who kept me strong, who always encouraged me to be the
best, if not perfect, person I can become.

She was my alter ego.

She let me go and looked at me with concern and troubled eyes, tears glistened in
them. "I hate you." She said.
That made me smile. "I'm happy to see you too."

Niyakap ulit niya ako pero mabilis lang iyon. "God Faith! Where have you been?
Tatlong taon kang nawala! You didn't even bother to call us. Alam mo ba kung gaano
kami nag-alala sayo? We went nuts, you cheat."   

"I'm sorry for making you worry. I just... went crazy." She laughed gently at what
I said even though I did not meant it as a joke.

"Well, you are a strange person. But this time, you really went crazy." Bumuntong-
hininga siya. "Xander told Drew last night about you, that's why I knew..." Drew
was her fiancé. "Ang pangit mo talaga. Nakakasama ka pa ng loob. Kay Drew ko pa
nalamang bumalik ka na."

"Alam mo namang gusto ko ng surprisa, diba?"

"Yeah. And what you pulled three years ago was over-the-top, Faith. Ni hindi na-
anticipate ni Xander ang nangyari. I didn't see it coming."

Me too. I didn't imagine I could do it. But I did anyway.

"Paupuin mo muna ako. Saka mo ako kuwentuhan."

I was elated and glad seeing my bestfriend again that I didn't know what to tell
her. Where do I begin?

I couldn't stain this wonderful surprise with my untold ugly story. At hindi
nagpunta si Emma rito para marinig ang hindi pa niya handang marinig.

"So..." she said as she took a seat, "...where did you go?"

I knew she needed to know everything. But time was not appropriate. We both are not
ready yet.

"Ems, I can't tell you yet. Pero malalaman mo rin pagdating ng tamang oras.
Promise."

Her brows knotted. Her face was screaming dissatisfaction. I knew she wanted to ask
more and milk me for answers, but she caught my eyes and understood the words I
couldn't say. "Eh kumusta ka? Si Xander? Paano ka niya tinanggap?"

My heart dropped as I recalled the day I returned, as I stood there looking at

Alex's face... the hatred in his eyes, his contempt, and his rejection. How he was
disgusted to me.
I smiled through my heavy heart. "He was unhappy, I guess. I surely didn't get a
hug if that's what you're hoping." Hindi siya tumawa sa biro ko. "Inasahan ko naman
iyon pagkatapos ng ginawa ko. But at least he did not drag me outside and throw me
out of the house."

"Ginawa mo pang biro itong nangyayari." she sighed. "Xander... he was badly hurt.
Pero hindi niya kayang saktan ka. He loves you so much. He will come around
sometime, you'll see. Hindi naman habang panahon niyang iipunin ang sama ng loob
niya sa nangyari. And I believe it because I know you more than anybody does. You
won't do anything stupid without a valid reason."

Kahit papaano'y gumaan ang mabigat na pakiramdam ko. Emma always does. She accepted
me without even asking for explanation. She still believed me and trusted me even
after what I did.

I wished Alex would do the same and everybody else.

But that was asking for too much. I would need a miracle for them to forgive me. I
lost his trust. And it will take time to fix it.

"So how was everybody?" sinubukan kong ibahin ang daloy ng usapan.

Ngumiti na rin si Emma na parang may naalala itong nakakatawa. "Everybody's fine.
Daisy met a guy named Ethan after Joel cheated on her. And Janna got married!"
excited na kuwento niya.

"Si Janna? Talaga? Kanino?"

"Siyempre, sa longtime boyfriend niya. Si Billy." Billy? As in yung bestfriend ni

Alex.

"Pero akala ko break na sila?" nagtatakang tinanong ko.

"They got back two years ago."

Two years ago. When I almost...

I shoved down that grievous thought and focused on the present. That was how I will
be able to survive.

"Tamang tama. Malapit na iyong anniversary ng dalawa. You should come." I felt
uncertain. Hindi ko alam kung papayag si Alex. "Didn't Xander told you about it?"

Hindi ako sumagot kasi alam na ni Emma ang sagot sa tanong niya. Alex had no
intention of bringing me along that was why he didn't tell me. Or maybe because I
never asked.

"Well, Xander won't have a choice because Janna is your friend. He will have to
bring you because if he did not, Janna will never forgive Billy."

I smiled. It was that I realized how I've been missing those guys.

Will they ever stay this way when that time comes?

━━━━━━  « ღ » ━━━━━━   

=================

Chapter ➒ | Scared and Abandoned

Chapter ➒  |  Scared and Abandoned

It was past eleven when Alex came home. Ang akala ko sa bahay na siya magdi-dinner
kanina kasi dito din siya nag-almusal kaninang umaga. But I guess that was just my
wishful thinking.

Hindi siya nagsalita nung dumating siya at makita akong nakaupo sa sala. He was
taking off his tie, his brows furrowed.

"Dumating dito si Emma kaninang hapon." Sabi ko habang sinusundan ko siya.

Dumeritso siya sa kusina. Kumuha siya ng baso sa cup rack at binuksan iyong
refrigerator. Nagsalin siya ng malamig na tubig.

All the time, I watched him move around the kitchen, waiting for him to say
something. But he was still quiet and he was doing a good job ignoring me.

Hindi na ako nakatiis kaya sinabi ko na ang kanina ko pa gustong sabihin. "I heard
about Janna and Billy. Kinasal na pala sila. I want to come to their anniversary
party."

That stopped him. Unti-unti niyang binaba iyong hawak niyang baso saka siya humarap
sakin. He looked annoyed. "Are you asking me to go with you?"

I wanted to tell him yes, but I couldn't seem to say the word out.
"You can go. Hindi naman kita ikukulong sa bahay. You can go wherever you want to
go, even if it's hell, I don't care. Just don't expect me to go along with you."

Pin pricks surrounded my heart.  I knew words could be so cruel but they started to
scare me. They corrupt people's mind and soul.

Ewan ko pero nagiging masokista na rin yata ako. Dahil imbis na hayaan ko si Alex
na umalis, pinigilan ko pa siya.

"Alex―"

He turned half of his face, "I don't like being seen with you. So from now on,
don't expect me to act like a doting husband because you know very well I can't."
And he walked out of the door.

Hindi ko alam kung paano ako nakatulog nong gabing iyon. I just woke up the next
day remembering Alex's words, replaying over and over in my mind.

At nadagdagan pa ang bigat ng loob ko nong makita kong ako lang mag-isa ang kakain
ngayong almusal.

"Maagang umalis si Xander kanina. Pinapasabi nga pala niya na magkita na lang daw
kayo sa party nong kaibigan ninyo." Sabi ni Nay Julia habang hinahainan niya ako ng
pagkain.

Hindi ako nagsalita. My heart felt like it was sinking down deeply. Disappointment
overshadowed my excitement.

"O, bakit ang haba ng nguso mo, anak? May problema ka ba?"

I beamed at her. "Inaalala ko lang po kasi kung ano ang susuotin ko mamaya."

It was not totally a lie. I just don't want to make her worry about me and Alex.
Alam ko naman na ako ang kakampihan ni Nay Julia. She always does when Alex and I
argue. At ayokong mas isipin pa lalo ni Alex na pati si Nay Julia e sinusulsulan
ko. It was bad enough that he thinks me a gold-digger.

Well, I guess I have to put more effort into charming my husband. Hindi ako dapat
mawalan ng pag-asa. I still have the rest of four months to spend time with him. I
still have time to fix everything I broke. Kapag ganitong aalalahanin ko lagi ang
iniisip ni Alex sa akin, baka hindi ako magtagal ng isa pang linggo.

Tonight will be a big night. Dahil makikita ko ulit ang mga kaibigan ko. This was a
night I should look forward to. Kaya dapat akong mgahanda. It was three years since
I've seen them.

Something crept inside me as I anticipate the evening... Something that was more
overwhelming...

For some reason, I felt uneasy.

But then, nobody knows what will happen, right?

* * * * * 

My steps faltered slightly as I stepped into the minimalist lobby of a small

boutique hotel.

I didn't realize it was so exclusive. Even though I was well dressed, well enough
to look as if I belonged here, I still felt as though everyone must surely be able
to see under my skin to the very heart of me, that was beating so unsteadily.

It had been so long since I had been in a place like this.

Another time.

Another woman.

This kind of hushed luxuriousness reminded me of too much and made the skin on the
back of my neck prickle. My mouth tightened as I looked for my husband, willing
myself not to let the rising panic overwhelm me.

I couldn't think of the past now. It was gone, and with it―my step faltered again
as a slicing pain ripped through me, stunning me with its intensity, with its
rawness, its newness... even though it was old.

And I felt old―a lot older than my twenty-seven years.

I found Alex and I caught my breath, because he looked gorgeous tonight... as

always. How many woman did he charm tonight?

I sighed gratefully.

I had to get it together. Had to be in control and above all calm. I needed to time
to gather my self.

Perhaps it had been silly for me to come. This was the first time I had been out in
the public again in three years. In the busy, heaving metropolis of the city.
Somewhere I'd truly never expected to be ever again.

No. I couldn't think like that.

I would be fine. After all, haven't I been through so much worse? This was my new
life―my second chance of life...

A new page... a new chapter...

A new beginning of another ending.

And perhaps...

A tiny alien bird of hope fluttered in my chest.

Perhaps another chance at happiness? Even though in truth I had had previous little
happiness in my life so far.

I continued walking through the crowd ignoring those malicious looks burning behind
my back. I had to find a seat before these legs gave up on me.

Alex was too engaged talking with some woman he didn't even noticed I came.

The room suddenly hushed down, only the staccato of my footsteps filled the room.

I watched Alex frowned and glanced around, like he was now noticing the change in
the tension-filled air. And then as if sensing me for the first time, his head
turned toward the door. His eyes clashed directly to my fearful ones.

He looked surprised but it was gone before I could blink. His face changed into a
burning rage that made me stood still.

A thought slammed into my head. 

Alex was ashamed of me.

A sharp pain so intense snaked in to my body it reopened my old scars.

For the first time since that night, I felt scared, alone, damaged, crushed... and
abandoned.
I instinctively caught my wrist and felt that ugly scar I left after that night. I
remembered how close to death I had been and I was reliving that horrid feeling
again...

The walls were closing down on me they were trapping me. I felt suffocated.
Breathing became hard for me. Peoples' stares seemed intensified, they paralyzed
me. Their voices murmured loudly in my ears deafening me. My vision turned hazy...

Terror gripped me.

I knew I was starting to panic, and I couldn't stop my self.

Please help me.

My chest burned. I was running out of air.

Alex...

Naramdaman kong may humawak sa mga kamay ko. They were warm against my cold ones. I
looked up and saw Emma.

Emma rescued me. She pulled me out of that frightening world, granting me an
escape.

My legs were so weak they were shaking badly and I kept on stumbling. I was just
grateful for Emma's tight hold that if it weren't for them, I might have crawled on
the ground.

* * * * * 

It was bad. Awful. Horrible.

My control slipped and I couldn't do anything about it. I crumbled, broke down, and
still, I did nothing.

"Okay ka na?" Emma was still with me, holding my shaking hands. I nodded, but it
only came jerky and desperate.

She breathed out a heavy sigh. "I'm sorry. Hindi na sana dapat kita pinilit na
pumunta rito. I could have save you from all of that."

I shook my head as I held her hands tightly. "Hindi mo ako pinilit. At hindi mo
kasalanan na mangyari ito. It was bound to happen, one way or another. Ayos lang
ako. It was just... I felt overwhelmed, that's all. So please, don't blame yourself
for this."

"Faith, you don't have to pretend you're strong in front of me. I know what
happened out there, and what almost happened. You were about to faint out. At
nagagalit ako dahil wala man lang ginawa si Xander. Mas inuna pa niya ang
bestfriend niyang hilaw."

I don't know if I should be glad about being woken up by a beautiful image of a

woman. It was like a dose of an ice cold water flushed into my blood stream.

The girl who was talking with Alex when I came was her. His bestfriend. Savannah.

I felt my heart tore apart. It was a jarring pain, sharp and raw. It was a wonder I
didn't have a heart attack right there and then.

"Namumutla ka. Are you sure you're fine? I could take you home if you want."

"I'm fine. I'm fine." It seemed like I was convincing my self more than I want to
convince my worried friend. "I just... I want to be alone for a moment."

A sound of a protest hovered around her lips but as soon I let go of her hands, she
knew she couldn't do anything for me. "I'll be in in a minute."

She left reluctantly after I assured her I'll be okay. She might not understand but
I really wanted to be alone right now.

I needed to feel myself. My own.

I couldn't cling to anyone anymore. What happened right there was out of control.
But I have to get use to it. I have to get through that fear. Because right now, I
will only have myself from this day onwards.

I steadied my hands and I took a calming breath. Repeatedly.

I came here to see my friends. I came to give them my best wishes. I was here
because I have to see them, and tell them how important they were to me. And how
thankful I was to have them. I don't care what those people think of me, how they
disapprove of me. I don't care because they don't matter to me. All I care about is
Alex... and my friends.     

I repeated that words inside my head like a mantra. Thank God, my nerves started to
placate. I was starting to regain my strength little by little.

All I have to do was remember those words and I will get through this night.
And with a final deep breath, I stood up and marched back inside.

━━━━━━  « ღ » ━━━━━━   

=================

Chapter ➓ | Pretense

Chapter ➓  |  Pretense

Someone bumped into me as soon as I emerged in the room, making me sway and off
balanced.

I heard him apologized but I didn't bother to spare him a glance because I was so
intent on repeating that mantra over my head. Pero naputol iyon ng isang pangalan.

"Faith?"

I was greeted with a hug even before I could see the stranger's face. I registered
how tall he was that I had to tip my toes. And the next thing I knew, I was being
lifted off the ground as if my weigh did nothing to him.

Saka ko lang nakita ang mukha ng taong iyon nang bumaba ang mga paa ko sa lupa. I
knew that dimpled smile.

"Kuya Drew!"  

"Uwah! Pumayat ka ba o tumangkad ka lang? Ang gaan-gaan mo na! Para lang akong
nagbuhat ng unan." I could see the wonder in his eyes as he turned me side to side,
checking me from front to back.

I couldn't help myself from giggling, like a child I had been, and it felt new to
me. Well, at least someone managed to joke about my ridiculous weight and did not
take it offensively as everybody does.

But he couldn't fool me. Right there, between his brows, a crease was showing and
it meant he was worried.

"Alam kong pinapunta ka ni Emma dito para hanapin at sunduin ako."

He scratched his nape and grinned innocently. Yep. I caught him. "Alam mo naman si
Em. Sobra iyon kung mag-alala sayo."

I know. That's why I didn't tell her the reason why I left that night. "Sinabi ko
naman sa kanya na ayos lang ako." I sighed. "Sabihin mo ulit sa kanya na hindi na
niya kailangang mag-alala. Hahanapin ko na lang siya mamaya. Kailangan ko pang
puntahan ang host ng party. Ayokong bantayan niya ako ng parang inahing hindi
makabasag itlog."

Tumango siya. "I'll tell her that."

I reached a hand to touch his arm. "It's good to see you again."

"Hey," he smiled a pensive smile as he pinched the tip of my nose. "You know I'm
your big brother, right?"

I playfully punched his shoulder to break the rising woeful atmosphere and beamed
happily at him, the way I used to. "Ang drama mo, kuya. Dali na, bumalik ka na sa
lovey-doves mo. Baka halughugin ka pa non sa bawat sulok rito."

"I'll see you later, okay?" he gave me a final tight hug before he dived into the
crowd.

I was feeling a lot more okay after seeing Drew again. Those tangled nerves inside
my head started to unravel and I could breathe easily now.

But I could still feel them even now. They were still staring. But they were less
damaging now that I concentrated more on my purpose tonight.

They could die with my name burning in their mouth and I could care less. I have
been into much more worse condition where I fought my own self. I have seen death
and I have been in hell. This was nothing from what I had suffered from those past
three years.

So if they wanted to condemn me, try and dare.

A smile broke into my strained face when I saw the sole couple I was determined to
find tonight.

Janna and Billy.

They stood next to each other, arms around one another, sharing secret smiles only
they understood. Their eyes, they held so much love and in them and there was a
tangible affection, warmth at the way they looked at each other.
A mixed of emotions surged up into me, and knew them well enough.

There was a pang of enviousness, wistfulness, and regret.

I was envious of what they have. Because I also experienced being gazed like that.
I also had that same smile once... and it seemed like it was a long time ago.

Many times I tried to remember that exact feeling when I was far away, isolated.
But they always eluded me. I couldn't remember them, only pain, sorrow, guilt, and
sadness filled me.   

I mentally shook my head.

That was before. And this is now. I had lived my life experiencing those good times
and bad times. It was enough. I knew I should settle for less and for the things I
will be getting. I couldn't wish for things I knew I couldn't have, even though how
much I wanted them. Because I knew they will just hurt if I yearn for them more.  

Ignoring those unwelcomed emotions sprouting inside me, I elbowed my way into the
lovely couple.

It was Billy who spotted me first. As recognition dawned on his face, his smiling
eyes widened with shock. Nakalapit na ako sa kanila bago pa ako makita ni Janna.

I smiled at their surprised faces. "Congratulations, you guys!"

"Faith!" si Janna ang unang naka-recover sa gulat at masayang niyakap ako. "Oh my
God! You really are here!"   

At katulad ng iba, she had that face telling me she missed me. Sadness touched her
eyes that were filled with yearning.

"Surprise!" I made a 'surprise' face and that made her smile. "Pero ginulat niyo
rin ako. Kunwari magkaaway, pero di niyo naman matiis ang isa't isa." 

Pinanood ko silang tumawa at parang may dumaan sa mga mata nila. "Surprise!"
panggagaya naman ni Janna sa akin. "But, wait," may kung ano itong tiningnan sa
likod ko―o sino. "Where's Xander? Did he came?" baling niya kay Billy.

I caught Billy looked uncertainly at me before answering Janna. "He said he's
here."

Nagtatakang tumingin sa akin si Janna. She must've seen something in my eyes that
made her look like that. Repentant.
"He's here. Nauna siyang dumating dito galling trabaho. Hassle naman kung uuwi pa
siya para lang sunduin ako. Out of the way naman ang bahay namin mula opisina nila
hanggang dito."

Who was I kidding? Kahit magpaliwanag ako rito, I knew they won't believe me. Kasi
alam nila na kahit saan ako naroroon, Alex would never leave me alone.

But that was before. He already left me alone.

"Pero asan na siya? Nagkita na kayo?" tanong ni Janna maya-maya.

"Oo. I saw him when I came in." and I remembered that face... that thought that
almost pushed me on the brink earlier. I remembered the girl whom he was with.

Pain made its way into me again. But I crushed it before it paralyzed me again.
Focus on your mantra. Focus on your mantra.

Hindi ba nila nakita ang mga pangyayari kanina?

Maybe they didn't. Hindi namna sila magtatanong kung nakita nila ang kahihiyan ko,
diba?

"Well, maybe he's busy somewhere." Janna said as she looked at Billy, with a hint
of anxiousness. Then I saw Billy wrapped a hand at her instinctively to calm her
down.

I felt that pang of jealousy snaked in again at that gesture. But there's something
else that struck me.

They were anxious about Alex. Not me. They were being protective of him. Because
they witnessed how he was hurt after I had gone.

I understood why they have to be guarded with Alex from me. I couldn't blame them.
And mostly, I couldn't get mad at them. He was their friend too and he was the
victim here while I was the culprit, the bad wife, the criminal, the indifferent
one.

As I accepted that truth, I squared my shoulder and did my best to put on my

winning social smile. "Actually, si Emma ang nagsabi sa akin tungkol sa Anniversary
party ninyo. And it was a good thing na naabutan ko. Nagulat nga ako nong malaman
ko na kinasal kayo. I mean, the last time I was here, you were on a rough patch."

"Oo nga eh." Some of the tension on their faces started to wash away as Janna
spilled their story. "Imagine all the problems I had. Pero tingnan mo." Happily,
she waved a hand to me and I saw it.
A diamond ring adorning her hand glittered brightly at me. Taunting me.

A particular finger itched instinctively at the sight of that ring. I clenched my

hands to stop them from scratching it.

"I told you," I forced out a smile, "―you'll turn around. And you," I said and
turned to Billy, "Anong sinabi ko sayo dati, kakainin mo rin ang mga sinabi mo."

Tumingin si Janna kay Billy, "Bakit, ano na naman ang sinabi mo, aber?"

Billy grinned guiltily, "I was drunk. Hindi ko na maalala."

Janna glared at him before turning to me, "Anong sabi niya?"

Natawa ako kasi nakakatawa naman iyong dalawa. Para pa rin silang mga bata. "Lasing
din ako non kaya hindi ko rin maalala."

Billy and I laughed while Janna pouted annoyingly. Then Billy stopped and stared
someone behind me.

"Pare!" he called out.

A hand suddenly appeared beside me as it shook hands with Billy's.

My smile froze into my face, the sound of my laughter faltered as Alex's full frame
came in view. He stood right next to me, smiling at the couple in front of him.

Parang wala siyang nakikitang tao sa tabi niya. To think that I am his wife.

Was that how invisible I have become?     

But still, I couldn't help my heart went tingly at the sight of him. He really
looked good tonight, it reminded me of that day―our wedding day.

"Congratulations." He greeted with his deep baritone voice that always made me
catch my breath, as I did now.

I focused on looking at one focal point as Alex stood close beside me, chatting so
naturally with his friend like I didn't exist here. Janna looked at me, and back at
Alex, with a face like she was trapped in a hurricane.
"Nice ring." Alex said.

I stiffened automatically at the word. This time, my face went taut and rigid.

Was he deliberately trying to provoke me?

Janna went on to tell them the story about how Billy surprised her with the ring. I
thought Janna must be a good actress for pretending not to feel the tension between
Alex and I or perhaps she was just not aware of it.

"Salamat at nagpunta kayo ngayon. This is an important event for the both of us and
we wanted to spend it to you. San asa binyag naman dumating na kayong magkasabay at
magkasama." Janna said.

I didn't know what to say after that. I was speechless for a moment. Myriad of
thoughts and emotions flooded in me. Hindi ko alam kung alin sa mga sinabi ni Janna
ang uunahin kong isipin.

Ang tungkol sa binyag ba? O ang pala-isipang makakaabot pa kaay ako sa oras na
iyon?

Ang pala-isipang magkasama pa kaya kami ni Alex pagsapit ng araw na iyon?

I couldn't look at Alex's face right then. He was so quiet as I was it was
ridiculous.

Did he think the same thoughts?

It was very silent and still between us. Until someone broke the heavy ice. "Hi."
Came a sweet feminine voice that was so familiar to me.  

My heart sank down to my feet when I saw who came to stand beside Alex, and it was
too late to escape. The crowd melted away.

It was just me, Alex, and her. Savannah. Alex's bestfriend.

I suddenly felt so ugly and rotten standing next to Alex. My confidence were in
ribbons. I became painfully aware of the way my hair felt dry against my skull, how
ridiculously thin my body was, how I looked shabby with my dress... everything.

Standing near Savannah made me realize how incomparable I was to her. I was feeling
insecure because life had drained me everything I had, and left me with nothing.
Only this―a frail tiny string of life...
Of time.

I was jerked out of my own misery when I heard my name. I hadn't realized because I
was too busy wallowing alone in my own desolation.

Slowly, I recognized where I was and I realized they were all staring at me with
confusion... except Alex. He was, as usual, impatient. Disapproval screaming from
his face.

"Oh, it's you!" the new comer smiled at me so sweet it came strange. Because it
made me feel uncomfortable. It was like she was telling me something else...

I looked at her eyes, and there it was... The grudge of seeing me back. "I didn't
expect you would come back." Tumingin si Savannah kay Alex. "Xander, bakit hindi mo
man lang binalita sakin na umuwi na pala si Faith?"

"You just returned from Paris." Alex answered curtly as he took asip from his wine.

"Kahit na. You should at least told me the good news when we had coffee this
morning."

I felt tiny shreds of ice pricked my heart as I stood there, listening to them. It
was like they had their own world, shutting me out effectively. And just the
thought of Alex having a cup of coffee with her rather than sharing a meal with me
was more stinging, right there inside my chest. Deep.

Do they do that often when I was gone?

I stopped myself from heaving a frustrated sigh. Right now, thinking questions that
have no answers, only doubt, will make me miserable. And I refused to be miserable
tonight. Not in front of these people with mean judgmental mind.

"Ah!" napunta kay Savannah ang tingin naming apat, "Look, it's Kuya Ryan!" may
itinuro itong tao sa kung saan. "Excuse me lang ha." Sabi niya kina Janna at Billy
na tumango lang. Aalis na lang sana siya nang tumingin siya kay Alex. "Gusto mo
bang lapitan si kuya? You wanted to talk to him, right?"

Alex didn't answer but Savannah pulled him anyway. At hindi man lang nagreklamo si
Alex.

Pinanood ko ang dalawa habang hawak-hawak ni Savannah ang kamay ni Alex papalayo
hanggang sa tuluyan na silang nawala sa paningin ko.

And there it was again, the searing pain that was claiming my bruised heart.
* * * * * 

For the rest of the evening Alex was close but distant, unbelievably cool. Perhaps
seeing Savannah and I together had put things back into perspective for him?

Perhaps he regretted giving me a chance again?

Perhaps he was wishing I hadn't gone here so he can spend the night with his
bestfriend?

This night, I saw my reality.

This night, I was the unwanted wife who will forever be condemned and will remain a
cast out in society. These people will only remember me as Alex's unfaithful wife.
And no amount of good deeds will erase those bad names that were already attached
into my name. They would stay.

I was branded, marked.

I was stigmatized.

And Alex―my beloved husband... he will always be ashamed of me. And I will bring
humiliation to him. He will always be distant, uncaring and aloof towards me. And
one day, someone... someone will catch his scarred heart and heal it. And she will
take it away from me. She would take Alex away from me and I could do nothing to
stop her.

Because by the time that comes, I am already gone.

━━━━━━  « ღ » ━━━━━━  

=================

Chapter ⓫ | Old Blame

Chapter ⓫ | Old Blame

I swept a hand through my sweating forehead as I felt the heat sipped through my
head. It was a hot day, the sun was glaringly bright out in the sky even though it
was not summer yet.
My head went dizzy as I stood up suddenly, I had to hold the fence to keep my
balance. I closed my eyes to steady my self, thinking I was lightheaded because of
the heat not because of...

It was just weeks. It couldn't be that fast.

I took a big lungful breath before I opened my eyes. I was fine. Nothing to worry
about.

Tiningnan ko iyong paligid ko. A proud smile spread across my lips. Finally,
natapos ko na rin ang sinimulan ko.

I have my garden back!

Ito lang naman ang pinagkaabalahan at pinagtuonan ko ng pansin sa nakaraang lingo.

A week without Alex.

Naalala ko pa iyong huling sinabi niya bago siya umalis...

"I'm leaving for business for a week. And while I'm gone, don't do unnecessary
trouble like leaving without a note. I don't want to be disturbed by a phone call
telling me you're gone."

Typical of him, thinking that I'm going to disappear one day.

Well, maybe I am...

One day. But not today.

It was the day after the anniversary party when I knew about his business trip.
Hindi ko pa yata malalaman iyon kung hindi ako bumaba ng maaga para abangan siya
noong araw na iyon bago siya pumasok sa opisina―only to find his packed travelling
bag lying at the floor. Nakita ako ni Nay Julia at siya ang sumagot sa nakabinbing
katanungan sa bibig ko habang nakatitig ako sa mga bagahe.

I was humiliated and useless. Ako iyong asawa pero ako iyong huling taong
nakakaalam sa mga bagay tungkol kay Alex. I felt so worthless―like the way I had
felt that night at the party. Hindi ako kinausap ni Alex buong gabi but I still
kept close beside him. He never once turned to acknowledge me, let alone look at
me. I was made an outcast by my husband.

Was it because he couldn't tell them I am his wife?

He was.
I couldn't deny the truth either. He couldn't tell them I was the wife who ran away
three years ago. I was not a wife a husband could be proud of.

I understood that. But it still hurts.

My spirits were so low the first day Alex had gone. Nagpa-ulit-ulit kasi sa isipan
ko iyong mga nangyari noong nakaraang party.

That time when I had a panic attack.

And then I had a nagging feeling that I was sinking down again... in that deep mud
I sank in two years ago... in that blinding darkness that sucked out my soul until
there was nothing left of me―only death.

I knew I needed to do something to fight over that horrendous fear... that

overwhelming sadness...

Then I thought of flowers.

So I began digging under the soil. Nay Julia tried countless times to get me out of
the heat, only to give up the next day. And now I completely filled the lot with
seeds.

I sighed satisfactorily as I took off my soiled gloves then went inside the house
to drink. Planting hundreds of seeds surely helped me feel refreshing again.

But that bubble of happiness burst, my smile died in an instant I saw who was
waiting inside.

My feet ceased at the door way, refusing to take another step inside. A cold hands
seized my heart, pumping an icy cold blood all over my body, it made me tremble.

Alexis Pearl Smith. Lexie. Alex's Sister.

My worst living nightmare.

Something made a sound, and I realized it was my garden gloves. And it was too late
to hide. My unwelcomed visitor turned, her eyes narrowed at the sight of me.

"Oh..." one of her eyebrow lifted, a smirk touched her lips. "So, I see..." she
looked me up and down, "the prodigal wife returned."

I felt shaky. I could remember another conversation, one between her and Alex. That
was the day when I knew my life was going to change... and it was all coming back
in lurid details...

That was the day when I returned after a month I left home.

I came back because I couldn't really leave Alex. I knew he wouldn't forgive me but
I had to try. I knew he was still looking for me.

I was inside the house when I heard voices... arguing voices in the sitting room. I
recognized it was Alex's voice and his sister. Lexie. I was confused what was Lexie
doing there that day?

Their voices had been so raised that I hadn't been able to help myself from
listening.

Lexie's voice had been a strident shriek of indignation. "I told you! Ilang beses
ko ng sinabi sayo na hindi kasing-inosente ng tingin mo ang babaeng iyon, Xander.
She is a gold-digger! At ano ang sinabi mo sakin? Pakakasalan mo siya at wala kang
pakialam dahil mahal mo siya! How pathetic. At ngayon hinahanap mo pa rin siya?
Gumising ka, Xander! Wala na siya! Hindi na babalik ang mukhang pera mong asawa!"

Alex's tone had sent a shiver down my spine. "Don't tell me that."

Lexie's voice had lowered dangerously, reeking of suspiciousness. "Tell me. Do you
still love her after what she did?"

I heard him laugh it sounded grim, "You think I do?"

"Then why are you still looking for her?"

Alex's tone had turned icy, devoid of any emotions. "I need her for the annulment."

"Hindi mo siya mahahanap, Xander." Her voice had been scathing and dripping with
disdain that I felt weak. "You think she'll show her face if she knew that?"

Their voices had got lower, and I had been too frozen to move, too shock, too hurt.
And then Alex's voice had risen again.

"She meant nothing more than a means to an end. She never did and she never will. I
don't care if she never came back. That has no bearing how I am going to live my
life. I will not be dictated by her misdemeanor. And I will certainly not be
dictated by you."

"You still think she'll come back and say she loves you? You are even worse,
Xander. I can't believe that good-for-nothing wife of yours truly trapped you
around her fingers." She finished tauntingly.

Slowly, I became aware of my surroundings again.

She was still there, her eyes spitting daggers on me.

"Well, well... what a surprise, really. Totoo pala na nagbalik ka." Humakbang siya
palapit sakin. "Why? Do you realize how rich my brother was now and you wanted a
part of it?"

Again. I was being accused of being a gold-digger.

"Lumabas ka sa lunggang pinagtataguan mo sa loob ng tatlong taon ngayong malaki na

ang mapapakinabangan mo sa pinaghirapan ng kapatid ko?" she laughed tauntingly.
"See? I was right all along. You won't make my brother happy. Because you were
spoiled rotten and you wanted to take away all his money to fill your whims." Her
face turning into full blown rage.

I tried not to flinch at her sickening words. "Kung nagpunta ka dito para lang
insultuhin ako sa sarili kong pamamahay, makakaalis ka na." somehow I managed to
get out. I stalked inside, dragging my numbed feet across the floor, passing her.
Pero hindi ako nakalayo ng ilang hakbang mula rito dahil naramdaman kong may humila
sakin.

"Huwag mo akong tatalikuran dahil hindi pa ako tapos!" I sucked in a breath, I

thought I broke my spine as I hit the wall hard when she suddenly hurled me away.
She didn't even noticed she hurt me. She just continued.

"Ang kapal talaga ng mukha mo para bumalik! Pinakasalan ka lang ng kapatid ko pero
akala mo kung sinong makaasta." She stood closer to me, I tried not to bulk.
"Ginamit mo lang ang kapatid ko dahil sa pera niya. Akala mo hindi ko alam kung
anong klaseng babae ka?

Pagkatapos mamatay ng mga magulang mo, nawala ang lahat ng pera ninyo dahil na-
bankrupt ang companya ng daddy mo sa panloloko. Namatay sila sa tangka nilang
pagtakas sa batas. Karma ang tawag don. At dahil naghihirap ka na at nawalan ka na
ng mana at wala ka ng malustay na pera, ginamit mo ang kapatid ko sa paraang gusto
mo. You used my brother for a fool and fed him your poison! Binilog mo ang ulo niya
para lang makuha ang gusto mo. And then when you couldn't take his failure, you
turned your back and walked away, and looked for another man to replace him as your
bank account. At dahil namulubi ka na naman, bumalik ka sa kapatid ko. Alam mo ba
kung anong klase ka?

You are a cheap whore bitch who deserves to die!"

SLAP!
I heard her gasp and she touched a hand to her face where my trembling hands had
laid.

I slapped her. Hard. I hurt her.

But it didn't lessen the pain that was strangling my throat. I knew she really
hated me from the moment we met, and I never knew why. But I never hurt her. I was
never mad at her.

Now... these accusations and insults she was throwing at me. They made me so angry,
madness blinded me.

How dare her insult my parents in front of me?

How dare her accuse them of something they were never guilty of?

How dare her disrespect their death?

How dare she?!

My body was still trembling so hard from the tension I was trying hard to conceal
inside. I didn't care if she was Alex's sister anymore. She just did an offensive
crime against my parents and they were not even here to defend their names. She
just insulted my parents' death like they were criminals.

I didn't care if she thought I used Alex for his money. Or if she called me names.
I really don't. Because she will always think the worst of me.

But telling in my face that I deserve death because of her false accusations...

Nobody deserved death as their punishment in the hands of a human. Not even those
people who had killed people.

Because only God could take away one's life. Life was His gift and He will reclaim
it because it was rightfully His.

Did she have any idea how close she was to the truth?

Something cold snaked beneath my skin. No. She have no idea... at all.

"How dare you?!" she gritted.

Before I could move, she flung her body on me and started pulling my hair.
She was like a mad bear I couldn't stop her. She was scratching my face but I was
fast enough to block her stinging nails with my arms, lacerating them.

I thought I would die right there and then...

But a thundering voice roared inside the house that stopped the mad woman
automatically. She seemed horrified when she saw someone at the door... And when I
looked too...

I saw Alex. He was back. Fuming. Fist clenched at his sides. Nose flaring.

I knew I was in big trouble.    

━━━━━━  « ღ » ━━━━━━   

=================

Chapter ⓬ | Fake Innocence

Chapter ⓬ | Fake Innocence

"Get off her!" Alex growled, striding towards us with eyes so intent they made my
heart pump a little faster than normal.

I was frozen, my brain seemed to be out of whack. I didn't know what to do!

He was mad. Very very mad. And I knew it was because how we looked like―Lexie and
me. We were in a middle of a cat fight! His sister and me!

Alex would never tolerate this from me. Hinanda ko na iyong sarili ko sa
mangyayari. Pero nagulat ako dahil iba ang nangyari sa inaasahan ko.

He pushed Lexie away from me and stood in front of me as if he was shielding me

from her.

"What the hell do you think you're doing Alexis?!" Alex said in a very dangerous
tone that even made me cowered. Ginamit din niya ang buong pangalan ng kapatid
niya, which only implied his mood right now.
Hindi sumagot si Lexie. I shifted to look at her and I saw her face turning to
purple with fury. Parang gustong gusto na niya akong patayin sa galit.

"Just go home." Alex said tersely and then he turned to me.

The look on his face almost toppled me.

His eyes were filled with worry that I saw a glimpse of my husband. And the
overwhelming vulnerability inside me was fast fading.

"Are you okay?" he asked gently, yet he's still not touching me.

"I..." I said with pathetic ineffectiveness. "I'm fine..." I managed to roll out,
refusing to let my self be pulled by that strong urge to lean on him and feel his
warmth.

The room went fuzzy for a second and I could feel my legs wanting to buckle beneath
me for relief that Alex was here and I felt safe. I saw his hand reach out to hold
me from swaying but it was halted by a choking sound...

Lexie burst into tears, hatred burning in her eyes. "Xander, bakit mo kinakampihan
ang babaeng iyan? Ako ang kapatid mo!" hagulgol niya.

"And she's my wife." Walang kagatol-gatol na sagot ni Alex sa kanya.

I felt something smacked me.

Did he just say that to Lexie?

Lalo lang nanggalaiti sa galit si Lexie dahil sa sinabi ni Alex. "Wife?" nagpunas
ito ng luha sa mukha. "Nakalimutan mo na ba ang ginawa ng babaeng iyan sayo? Iniwan
ka niya, Xander! At bumalik siya dahil lang sa pera mo! Hahayaan mo na lang ba
siyang bilugin ulit niya ang ulo mo?"

"Stop this now. I don't have time to argue with you."

Napuna ko ang pagod sa boses ni Alex kahit na nakatalikod siya, it was there in
every line of his body. Kagagaling lang niya sa malayong beyahe, pagod pa siya,
pero ito kaagad ang maabutan niya.

I wasn't aware I was already lifting my hand to comfort his neck until I caught it.

What was I thinking?

"You don't have time but I won't stop until you listen to me!" Lexie retorted, her
tears gone now. "That woman you call a wife will hurt you again. Believe me. At
sino ang tatakbuhan mo?" humakbang ito palapit kay Alex. "Kaming pamilya mo."
Humakbang pa ulit ito. "Do you even know what that woman did to me?"

I stiffened.

Oh, God. No! He would hate me if he knew.

"Your wife slapped me, Xander!" she gritted, her body was trembling violently.

And then there was a total silence...

"Faith won't do that. She can't." Alex said after a while as confident as he could,
which even scared me more - that Alex would still believe that.

Lexie scoffed, "You honestly believe that? You know me, Xander. Hindi ko gagalawin
iyang babaeng iyan kung wala siyang ginagawa sakin. But the fact that her dirty
hand dared to touch me was inexcusable. Bakit hindi mo siya tanungin? Ask her,
Xander, why she laid a hand on me?"

I was rooted to the spot, I couldn't move a muscle. Terror invaded my limbs, taking
hold of my whole body as Alex turned to face me. His eyes boring into me. "Was that
true?"

"I... I just..." I stuttered.

"You see, hindi niya kayang marinig ang katotohanan―that she is a gold-digger, a
woman who married a rich man in order to get money from him through a divorce
settlement." Lexie hissed behind Alex's ear and I watched as her poisoned tongue
worked through his brain turning it against me. "Keep her brother, and I'll watch
how far you'll go before you went broke." And with a final death glare at me, Lexie
stalked mockingly towards the door.

I couldn't take of the naked pleading visible on my face as I tried to speak, to

say something that will make him believe me and understand what really happened.

But he saw my reaction and it was too late.

He spoke and his tone was frigid, freezing me out. "You had no right to lay a hand
on her." He walked out to follow Lexie and everything I held was slipping from my
hands.

He couldn't see how badly his sister had affected me.

I had let her got to me again, after all these years. I though I blocked that awful
conversation, but it was still there like a brand burnt into my memory. It had been
hurtful, but I had to remember that.

Because if I hadn't heard it when I had, I would have told him... everything that
night.

And that would have lost me the only silver of hope I had managed to retain.

Feeling suddenly woozy, I walked up to my room. By the time I reached the door, I
remembred I hadn't had that cold drink. No wonder my throat felt dry and itchy.

Pabalik na sana ako nong marinig kong tumunog iyong telepono sa loob ng kwarto ko.
It sounded urgent kaya sinagot ko na lang iyon.

I slumped down the chair as I reached for the phone.

"Hello?" I asked weakly.

"Faith? Ikaw ba iyan?"

My head jerked up and my hand tightened on the phone. "Jed?"

"Bakit ganyan ang boses mo? Is everything okay? Are you okay?" sunod-sunod na
tanong niya.

"I'm fine." I said trying to make myself sound normal. "Napagod lang ako kasi buong
maghapon akong nakababad sa araw. I'll just drink water and I'll be fine." Not to
mention I almost died just a little while ago and Alex was mad at me right now.

I couldn't tell him that because he would throw a fit and probably fly out here and
drag me away. I had to pacify him somehow.

"You did what?" he asked incredulously.

"I was planting flower seeds―and I'm fine, Jed." Sabi ko kaagad bago pa niya ako
simulang lecture-an.

But it looked like he was still intent to give me one. "Faith, what are you
thinking sunbathing like that? Alam mo namang hindi pwede sayo ang sobrang
mainitan. Too much temperature will cause you―"

"I get it." I almost rolled my eyes. "Hindi na mauulit."

I heard him sigh. I knew he was frustrated. I could almost imagine him doing that.
Sakit talaga ako ng ulo niya.

I tried a joke. "Tumawag ka ba para tingnan kung humihinga pa ba ako?" hindi siya
sumagot. "Joke lang iyon."

"That was not even funny, Faith." His tone was serious.

"Napakaseryosos mo talaga. Kaya nga wala ka pa ring mahanap na girlfriend eh. Sa

tingin ko, ako lang ang babaeng nagtiya-tiyaga diyan sa kasungitan mo." I felt the
hair on my nape stood up on end, like I was being watched.

Muntik pa akong mapalundag sa gulat nang may marinig akong ingay sa likod.
Paglingon ko, wala namang tao. Then I heard the window made a creaking sound. I was
distracted I didn't catch what Jed was saying.

"... dito. But just make sure you'll call me if anything―and I mean
anything―happens, okay?"

"Nothing will happen, Jed. Trust me."

"I trust you. But not what's in your head." Unconsciously, my hand touched the back
of my head... like I was feeling it there... "Anything might happen, Faith. Hindi
natin alam. All I ask is you take care of yourself. We're not there to monitor you
twentyfour hours a day." I could hear the worry and apprehension in his voice.

"Don't worry. I'm in good hands. Hindi pa ako puwedeng umalis hangga't hindi ko
natatapos ang nasimulan ko. Everything will be alright. Trust me."

Matagal bago siya nagsalita ulit. "Promise you'll tell me anything strange
happens."

"I'll call. I promise." And I ended the call.

Tinitigan ko ang telepono bago habang may inaalala akong pag-uusap namin ni Jed.

He once told me to find peace. And that was to come back for closure. To tell the
truth.

So I came back.

But I couldn't still tell Alex properly... or everybody. I need time.

And he's worried because I might not have that luxurious time. If I stay longer,
the lesser the chance I'll have. Hindi pa niya alam na balak kong tumagal ng limang
buwan dito, while he only give me a month. 

And if he ever decide to take me away, I couldn't let him because I made my choice.
And that was to stay with Alex until he forgive me.

That's when I noticed someone standing inside my room besides me...

My eyes flickered in to the vanity mirror and I saw Alex standing right behind me
in brooding silence. My eyes widened with shock. A jolt of thunder struck my spine,
jerking me up on my feet.

How long had he been standing theer? Did he hear everything I said?

"Alex..." I said breathlessly. He looked so grim I couldn't look at him straight.

Why do I feel so guilty? "Alex, I could explain..." I started saying again but his
eyes flashed dangerously, my voice faltered.

I waited. He was silent for a moment, but those few seconds felt hours. The air
felt heavy and thick, like there was a thunderstorm coming. I felt clammy and cold.

A bleak smile appeared on his face. "You constantly surprise me, you know. Though I
wonder why..." he held up a hand, "First, you appeared out of nowhere and
blindsided me. Then you fainted on me that day. Second, you made quite an entrance
at the party and acted to panic. You were impressive, I'd give you that. But not
good enough to convince me. Hardly, when I already worked out you choreographed all
of it to make you look pitiful in every eyes of every corner of that room. Then,
this..."

I held my breath, a hollow feeling spreading throughout my body. I struggled to

take all this in. And he was not giving me a chance to understand him.

"For a while you almost got me there. Acting all innocent." His lips pressed
tightly, his face was drawn tight and filled with tension, as he took steps closer
to me. "I hate to say this but I should have listened to my sister a long time ago.
She was right. You were nothing but a gold-digger, promiscuous woman."

A knife twisted in my heart, I died inside.

"Alex... hindi totoo iyan. Alam mo kung ano ang totoo." My voice almost sounded
pleading.

"Iyon ang totoo!" he gritted out. I gaped at him, too stunned to talk. "Stop
pretending like you don't know what I'm saying. Stop faking that innocence. It only
makes me sick."
"Do you really believe Lexie? Na magagawa ko iyong mga binibintang niya? That I'm a
gold-digger, and the reason that I married you was because of your money?" I
couldn't hide the hurt from my voice.

"Yes, and you hurt her because you can't own up to the truth." He sounded
indignantly.

I hurt her because she disrespectfully insulted my parents, Alex.

But no words came from my mouth. I was feeling weak and I couldn't argue with Alex
anymore. He wouldn't even listen to me. He didn't care. I felt drained...
exhausted.

"I knew what happened. At hindi ko rin magagawang saktan ang isang tao kung walang
dahilan. Kilala mo ako, Alex." I said for the last time.

"I thought I did, but no. I never really knew you. I see a stranger everytime I
look at you."

Something inside me withered and died.

"I'm warning you, Faith. If you think you can steal money from me, start packing.
Because you won't get even a cent from me. I don't care if you leave. You can rott
in hell and I won't care. You're already dead to me anyway."

Something dangerous welled up inside me at his censure and I looked away terrified
of the way my throat was starting to hurt and of the emotions which won't go down.

I couldn't say another word. I shook my head and backed away, and then I turned and
walked away, anywhere, wanting to get away from him. I found the bathroom and
walked inside and locked my self in.

It was after I heard the door slammed shut that I collapsed on the floor, sobbing
all the heaviness filled me.

━━━━━━  « ღ » ━━━━━━  

=================

Chapter ⓭ | Rude Awakening

Chapter ⓭ | Rude Awakening
I woke up and wondered why I was feeling tired. I moved and I felt pain everywhere.

Kaya pala. Kasi na-realize ko na sa loob pala ako ng CR nakatulog.

Nagsimula na namang lumangoy sa utak ko iyong mga nangyari kanina, Mga salitang
nabitawan ni Alex... mariin kong ipinikit ang mga mata ko para huwag silang hayaang
makapasok ng tuluyan sa isipan ko.

Pero may nakalusot. And it rang in my head too late.

"...You're already dead to me..."

Even his sister thought I deserve to die. Do I really deserve that?

Then why am I still here if Alex already thinks I'm dead?

My thoughts rewound back, to that day when I was asked to decide and to choose. I
had a choice then, before I came back. You see, I had been given a life-changing
opportunity two years ago, after a year I had disappeared. But before I could do
it, I had to notify the people who are significant to me...

And I had none. I just left them, didn't I?

So they made me choose... to stay and undergo with it or to come home and tell the
truth. I asked them why do I need to notify them if there was no certainty that I
would survive?

It was Jed who gave me an answer.

"...because you will want to know if you were on their shoes..."

And he was right.

And I was wrong.

Because the most important person in my life wouldn't want to know.

But I was still here. Even though Alex couldn't trust me. He couldn't even look at
me properly. How can I possibly have that three missing years back within just five
months if he didn't have a place in his heart to forgive me?
I knew he was angry. I get that. Because I faced it too. I was in denial for a very
long time. I denied the truth and pretended to be okay, that everything was fine -
despite the fact that I was not. And that defense mechanism robbed me my happiness,
my contentment, my joy. I withered slowly.

Nothing felt good anymore and all was starting to irritate me. I became angry. I
was angry for everything. I started blaming God for all the things that happened...
and I stayed angry for days, months.

Until I realized that nothing will change even if I shut down myself and turn this
world upside down. It was there. Done. All that was left was to accept it and move
on... learn to live with it.

I accepted it.

But Alex couldn't if he's still angry. He couldn't give himself a chance to move on
because of his anger.

Maybe that's why he could say those words to me... accuse me for those wicked
things I know he knew I couldn't do. Maybe he was so mad he started believing Lexie
and her outrageous allegations and lies. He was defenseless.

Kahit hindi nagsasalita si Alex, alam kong naghahanap siya ng kasagutan sa mga
tanong na hindi ko mabigyan ng sagot sa ngayon. O kahit na kailan. Pero gusto kong
hilingin na sana dumating ang araw na mapatawad niya ako sa lahat ng nagawa ko,
pati na ang paglilihim ko, bago mahuli ang lahat.

Tumayo na ako at inayos ko ang sarili ko. Hindi ko na tiningnan ang hitsura ko sa
salamin kasi alam kong hindi ko makikilala ang sarili ko.

Sumasakit ang ulo ko. Naparami na naman ako sa kakaisip.

I rejected the thought that I was fighting a losing battle. I know this was hard
and it will get harder. I will keep on comforting myself the way I am doing now to
understand Alex and to give me even just a tiny spark of hope, even though I don't
know how long will it work, or even if I get exhausted in the long run...

Because I still have that something I believed in―that Alex loved me.

"Faith, anak!"

Narinig kong tawag ni Nay Julia sa loob ng kuwarto. Maya-maya ay may kumakatok na
sa labas ng pintuan ng banyo. I felt so sluggish kaya matagal bago ko siya
mapagbuksan ng pintuan.
She looked horrified when she saw me. "Anak, bakit ganyan ang hitsura mo? Kanina ka
pa ba diyan sa loob ng banyo? Hindi ba maayos ang pakiramdam mo?" tanong niya
habang inaalalayan akong lumabas ng banyo at pinaupo sa sofa. "Sabi ko na nga ba't
makakasama sayo ang pagbibilad sa araw. Tingnan mo, halos wala ng kulay iyang mukha
mo."

Mabuti na lang pala at wala siya dito nong sumugod ang kapatid ni Alex dito sa
bahay dahil baka kung ano pa ang magawa ni Lexie sa matanda oras na tulungan ako ni
Nay Julia.

Even that thought made me feel tired.

Umuklo siya sa harap ko. "Hija, ano bang nangyari? Nag-away ba kayong mag-asawa?"

I shook my head as convincing as I could. "Bakit niyo naman po naisip iyan, Nay?"
natatawang tanong ko pero pati iyon nakakapagod.

"E kasi kitang-kita sa mukha ni Xander ang pag-aalala sayo. Hindi siya mapirmi sa
isang lugar. Lakad nang lakad. Tinatanong ako palagi kung lumabas ka na ng kuwarto.
Hindi ka pa nakapag-hapunan kanina, kaya gusto ka niyang hatiran ng pagkain. E
bakit hindi na lang siya ang maghatid non?" tumayo siya at umalis. Pero agad din
siyang bumalik bitbit ang isang tray na naglalaman ng mga pagkain. "Hay, ewan ko ba
sa inyong dalawa. Lalo niyo lang pinapahirapan ang mga sarili ninyo."

Pinanood ko siyang ayusin ang mga iyon sa mesang kaharap ko habang umiikot sa utak
ko iyong mga sinabi niya.

"Alam mo bang ngayon lang ako pinagalitan ng asawa mo dahil nalaman niyang hindi ka
kumakain nitong mga nakaraang araw na wala siya?" kuwento pa niya.

I smiled weakly.

Alex acting concerned about me was a nice thought. Nakakapanghinayang lang na hindi
ko iyon nakikita. Kaya kahit si Nay Julia ay hindi ko mapaniwalaan pagkatapos ng
mga nangyari kanina.

Hindi ko alam. Pagod lang siguro ako kaya hindi ko magawang magsaya.

"Ako na po diyan, Nay. Magpahinga na lang po kayo. Gabing-gabi na po." Sinubukan

kong kunin sa kanya iyong plato pero iniwas lang niya iyon sa kamay ko.

"Ako na. sa hitsura mo ngayon, parang malapit ka ng mawalan ng malay. Inubos mo na

ang lahat ng lakas mo sa pagtatanim ng kung anu-ano sa likod ng bahay pero ni
pagkain hindi mo naisip kainin. Ang tigas talaga ng ulo mo."
Saka lang niya ako iniwan nang masiguro niyang hindi ko itatapon iyong mga pagkain.

Sa sobrang pagod ng pakiramdam ko, hindi ko na namalayang sa sofa na ako nakatulog

pagkatapos kong kumain, suot pa rin ang maruming jumpsuit na suot ko buong maghapon
sa paghuhukay ng lupa.

* * * * *

By the next morning, I overslept.

I woke up and it was noon already. And I still felt tired even though I slept more
than eight hours. Nalaman ko rin na kagagaling lang nina Emma at Janna sa bahay
pero dahil tulog pa ako, hinayaan na lang nila ako.

I haven't seen Alex too... and the next day... and then the next.

That was the beginning of Alex being scarce.

Pero alam kong dumarating siya sa gabi. Nagigising ako sa tunog ng kotse dahil
naging mababa na rin ang tulog ko. Mabilis na akong magising kahit sa kaunting
ingay lang and I blame that for waking up too late. Hindi ko na siya magawang
hinatyin sa gabi kasi maaga akong nakakatulog kapag nakakaramdam na ako ng pagod at
antok.

And that happened every day.

* * * * *

Pinanood ni Nay Julia na bumaba ng hagadanan si Faith.

Katulad noong nakaraang araw, matamlay pa rin ito. Nagigising ito ng mga dapit
hapon na at kung minsa'y nahuhuli niya itong natutulog sa sofa sa oras ng merienda.
Sa tanghalian wala itong ganang kumain kahit na hindi ito nakapag-almusal.

Para itong walang malay na naglalakad sa buong bahay.

At sa tuwing tinatanong niya ito tungkol sa asawa ay naroon lungkot sa mga mata
nito sa kabila ng ngiting ipinapakita nito sa kanya.

Kahit hindi sabihin ng alaga niya ang nangyayari ay alam niya na humaharap ng
problema ang dalawa.

Lalong naging tahimik at mailap si Xander simula noong bumalik si Faith. Kung dati
ay hindi ito mapirmi sa bahay, mas lalo ngayon. Laging maagang pumapasok sa trabaho
at hating gabi na kung umuwi.

At ang ikinakabaliw niya kung minsan ay ang pasimpleng pamamaraan nito sa

pagtatanong tungkol sa asawa nito.

Alam niyang nag-aalala rin ito kay Faith pero hindi lang nito maipakita dahil
naroon pa rin ang hindi nito pagpapatawad.

Wala mang nakakaalam sa tunay na dahilan ni Faith sa pagkawala nito noon,

naniniwala si Nay Julia na may malalim itong dahilan. At ang mahalaga ay nagbalik
ito.

Maraming pinagdaanan sa buhay si Faith at nakita niya kung paano ito tumayo at
bumangon. Masayadong masaklap ang nangyari sa pamilya nito. Namatay ang mga
magulang nito sa isang aksidente matapos sumabog ang nakakagulat na balitang
bumagsak ang kompnyang pinaghirapan ng ama nito sa loob ng ilang taon. At naiwan si
Faith para akuin lahat ng responsibilidad na naiwan rito ng ama.

Pero hindi ito mag-isa. Naroon si Xander sa tabi nito buong oras na kailangan nito
ng tulong.

At sobra ang naging pasasalamat niya kay Xander sa pagbabantay nito kay Faith.
Malaki ang naging parte nito sa buhay ni Faith.

At naniniwala siya na naroon pa rin ang malalim na pagmamahal nito sa asawa kaya
malalim din ang naging sugat nito sa ginawang pag-alis ni Faith.

* * * * *

Hindi ako makatulog.

There's something strange going on inside me. And it felt like I had felt the same
thing several years ago...

Could it be that...?

I threw the blanket and got off the bed.

Of course not. There's no way it could happen. Life couldn't be that harsh.

I knew it there was a possibility that it would come back but not so soon... not
this soon.

I padded out my room, into the dark hall, down the stairs, and went into the
kitchen. A warm glass of milk would make a good night sleep.

I was busy pouring milk I hadn't noticed that I had company until I turned.

Alex.

Shock... Pain... Anger... Hatred...

They all slammed inside me altogether as soon as I saw him after three days of
being scarce.

But they subtly changed into a lot more compelling emotions...

Yearning... longing... adoration... happiness... and love... as I watched him

calmly standing there, leaning over the door frame, arms folded, watching me the
way he used to... all those years ago.

I squinted as the light went on and everything brighten, hurting my eyes. And then
when I looked back at Alex again, his face was flat.

Well, I guess that was only my imagination. I assumed things now for my own
benefit. I really am pathetic.

He walked inside the kitchen and stood there, as far away as he could. I noticed he
stiil wore his suit on. Kagagaling lang ba niya sa trabaho?

This was awkward.

Baka gusto niyang magkape at gusto niyang umalis na ako rito. I should get moving.

Binilisan ko iyong kilos ko. I was returning the box of fresh milk when I heard him
talk.

"Can't sleep?" Tango lang ang nagawa ko saka ko sinara iyong ref. "I remember you
used to run here at night to make a glass of milk when you couldn't fall asleep."

My heart hitched.

Why did he have to say something like that? Galit siya sakin hindi ba? Kaya niya
ako iniiwasan?

Hindi ko tuloy alam ang kung ano ang sasabihin ko. "Ah... s-sige." And I walked
stiffly to reach the door.
"Wait." It was faint, hesitant, but loud enough to hear.

I wheeled around, heart pounding.

He was unmoving, back turned, hands on the counter, head bent. I was not sure if he
really said that by the way he looked - like he was having a hard decision.

I waited for a while but he was still quiet and my milk was starting to get cold.
"Sa tingin ko... kailangan ko ng umakyat." I said reluctantly. I tentatively
stepped a foot outside and he was all the same―motionless. With a last sigh, I
left.

"I said wait."

Napangiti ako, like there was a thousand bulb lightening up mood. Para akong dumaan
sa defibrillator and then bam!―I was alive.

Sa isang tawag lang ni Alex, I felt ridiculously happy.

I swiped that silly smile on my face before I rounded to face him. He clearly
looked troubled, but nevertheless impish. It made him look adorable and cute. Like
the first time he introduced himself to me...

"Mom knew about what happened with Lexie." he said.

And just like that, my bubble burst.

"She wanted to see you tomorrow, Jewel's fifth birthday party."

There was a moment of hesitation. I knew I had asked him about seeing his mom
before, and he refused. That was why I didn't know what to say. Would he want me to
go?

"You'll have to come. Kahit na sinabi kong ayoko, ayaw niyang makinig sakin, she
wanted to see you." He said flatly.

For a little while I forgot it was Alex I was talking to... the Alex I never knew.
Or maybe it was not Alex. Alex was a different person. He was my husband. The man I
married.

This man standing in front of me was Paul Alexander Smith. The stranger one.
I nodded, as I agreed for both of my thoughts. "Okay. I'll go."

"Okay then. We'll leave early tomorrow." Then he went upstairs.

As I drifted to sleep that night, I prepared myself for another dreadful day I have
yet to face.

━━━━━━  « ღ » ━━━━━━ 

=================

Chapter ⓮ | Fall Into Place

Chapter ⓮ | Fall Into Place

How would you like start your day?

Watch TV? Exercise? Eat breakfast? 

There's a lot of options how normal people wake up and do things routinely.

But not for me.

From the moment my lids fluttered open, I knew what was coming. It was like a
monster hovering above my head.

So I guess I would choose to start my day with a prayer that everything will fall
into place.

I am going to meet people of my past. I've been looking forward to this day...But I
see I'm still not prepared yet. I'm feeling scared and anxious.

I gulped, suddenly feeling the full weight of what I was about to encounter. I sat
up and I had to hold myself for a moment, as a dull pain shot straight through my
head.

Napabilis yata ang bangon ko.

* * * * *
Tapos na akong mag-almusal nang bumaba si Alex. Mabuti na lang pala at nakabihis na
ako dahil bihis na bihis na siya. He wasn't wearing his usual business suit.
Nagmukha tuloy siyang relaxed sa suot niyang asul na polo at maong na pantalon. It
fitted him well, he looked young for his age. Limang taon ang age gap namin. I am
27 and he's 32. Bata pa siya pero malaki na ang naabot ng career niya. Sa hitsura
niya ngayon, hindi aakalain ng ibang tao na nagpapatakbo siya ng isang malaking
companya.

And the fact still remained after three years that he still make my heart skip a
beat every time I see him. Parang katulad nong una ko siyang nakita.

He spotted me standing up from the bar stool and he came over. My heart did a
triple flip-flop under my chest. "Nag-almusal ka na?" he asked curiously, eyeing
the empty plate I had.

"Tapos na."

His eyes turned to me and I had to focus on his eyebrows―anywhere but his eyes.
"You call a piece of bread a breakfast?"

"Sandwich ang kinain ko at hindi isang piraso ng bread lang. Kumain din ako ng
mansanas―"

"Hindi mo mababawi ang nawalang timbang mo kung iyan lang ang kakainin mo sa tuwing
almusal."

Nagulat ako sa sinabi niya kaya napatingin ako sa mata niya. But he was already
walking into the kitchen.

So, napansin din pala niya ang kakaiba sakin.

Hindi ko alam kung susundan ko ba siya o hindi... but I still followed him.

Nasa loob pa rin ng kusina si Nay Julia. Tinapik nito ang kamay ni Alex nang
silipin niya ang luto nito. "Maupo ka na sa mesa. Malapit na itong maluto." Tapos
tiningnan ako ni Nay Julia. "Hija, kakain ka na ba? Akala ko wala ka na namang
ganang kumain." Alex threw me a questioning look. "Maupo na kayo, dali. Ipapahanda
ko na ang mesa."

Papasok na si Nay Julia sa Dining room nong tawagin ko siya. "Tapos na po akong
kumain, Nay. Siya lang po ang kakain." Tinuro ko si Alex. Tumingin ito kay Alex.

"Suit yourself." He said, shrugging, then walked nonchalantly into the connecting
Dining room.
"Sigurado ka hija?" napatingin ako kay Nay Julia. "Malayo-layo rin ang beyahe ninyo
mamaya."

Umiling ako. "Kakain din naman po ako pagdating namin kaya ayos lang po."

* * * * *

I was already fast asleep in the car when I heard Alex came inside. I flinched as
pain seared into my head when he banged the door close.  Umupo ako ng maayos.

"Are you okay?" narinig kong tanong ni Alex.

Tumango ako. Pero ang totoo, hindi maayos ang pakiramdam ko. Masakit ang ulo ko at
pagod ang pakiramdam ko. Para akong tumakbo ng isang araw na walang pahinga.

Pero ayaw kong sabihin iyon kay Alex. Kasi naalala ko iyong mga bintang niya
kahapon. He'll just think I orchestrated this to make me look pitiful so I could
make him worry about me. And I didn't like that. Isa pa, baka mas makahanap siya ng
rason para huwag akong isama para makita si Tita.

I have to see Tita Irene. We have so much to talk about. I have to tell her
everything I had to tell her. Kaya hindi ko puwedeng hayaan si Alex sa gusto niya.
At hindi ko rin gagawing dahilan itong sakit ng ulo ko at kaba ko para hindi
mangyari iyon.

"Fasten your seat belt. Malayo ang beyahe natin kaya kung gusto mong matulog, go
ahead." He said as he started the engine.

For the first hour of the travel, there was only silence... an awkward silence.
Kasi unang beses ito na sumakay ako sa kotse kasama si Alex since I came back. At
dadalawa lang kami rito. It was an uncomfortable spot because unlike when were in
the house, there was just a small space between us. He was just in my reach.

Unlike me, napaka-kalmado niya.

Ako lang ba ang nakakaramdam ng ganitong pakiramdam? Na parang ang sikip ng mundo
naming dalawa?

* * * * *

Nagkunwari na lang akong tulog habang nasa beyahe kami. Pero hindi ko namalayang
nakatulog na pala ako ng totoo hanggang sa naramdaman kong may gumigising sakin.

Pagdilat ko ng mata, Alex was shaking me impatiently.

"Get ready, were here." Sabi niya tapos hinubad na niya ang seatbelt niya.

I was still in daze kaya medyo mabagal ang kilos ko. Isa pa, naroon pa rin ang
sakit sa ulo ko kaya hindi ko matanggal-tanggal ng maayos ang seatbelt ko.

Naramdaman ko na lang na may tumanggal ng kamay ko. Nagulat ako kasi si nakadukwang
na si Alex sa akin para tanggalin ang seatbelt ko. I heard he muttered something
but I didn't catch it because my senses were filled with his nearness... his scent,
his magnetic presence.

Tumingala siya, and his eyes immediately clung into mine and I felt breathless
suddenly. Napansin kong natigilan din siya, nagulat. His eyes searched my face and
my breath hitched when it stopped at my lips. The air suddenly grew thick and
hot...

He blinked, like he was realizing something. Then he started to move away. "Come
on, they're waiting." And he opened the door and went out.

I slowly let go of the breath I was holding when I was alone. Hindi na binuksan ni
Alex ang pintuan ko. It was okay because I needed time to stabilize the erratic
beat of my pulse. Saka lang ako bumaba nong kontrolado ko na ulit ang pakiramdam
ko.

Sinalubong ako ng matinding kaba pagbaba ko pa lang ng kotse.

This was it... after three years of disappearing.

Huminga ako ng malalim saka naglakad palapit kay Alex. Pinindot ni Alex iyong
doorbell. Tiningnan ko siya.

Could he sense my apprehension?

"Sino po sila?" Narinig kong may nagsalita.

Inilapit ni Alex ang bibig niya sa may door bell. "It's me, Alexander. Tell Mom
we're here." Saglit akong tiningnan ni Alex.

Maya-maya ay narinig kong bumukas ang gate. It was a remote controlled gate.
Mukhang pinapalitan na nila ang bahay for the last three years.

Si Alex ang unang pumasok. Nagtaka ako nong hindi siya dumaan sa main door mismo.
Sinundan ko siya nong umikot siya ng bahay. And then I heard them...

The children's laughter... the voices... and my own heartbeat...

They seemed to squeeze my head a little more.

Napansin ni Alex na hindi na ako sumusunod sa kanya kaya tumigil din siya sa
paglalakad at tumingin sa akin. I could feel he was getting impatient again. Kaya
pinilit kong maglakad kahit na unti-unti kong nararamdaman ang pagsikip ng ulo ko.

"What is it?" he leaned to whisper in to my ear as I drew nearer. He didn't seem to

be worried at all―if anything, he was more annoyed. Kaya umiling ako.

"Kinakaabahan lang ako." I lied by omission and he seemed to believe it. Pagkatapos
ay nauna na siyang pumasok.

"Xander! You're early!"

I recognized that voice immediately, that it made me stop and took a breath. I
waited a heartbeat before I came out of my hiding.

And I was greeted with silence...

"Mom," basag ni Alex sa katahimikan. But tita Irene was already fast approaching,
crying earnestly.

Pinigil kong huwag humagulgol kasama nito sa mga oras na iyon. Because I knew what
she was thinking when she saw me. There were too many things that rumbled inside my
head I didn't know what to do.

"Thank God you came back!" she said as she rain kisses on me, wrapping me into a
tight embrace. At inulit-ulit pa nito iyon ng ilang beses hanggang sa kumalma na
ito.

Alex had that speculative look when I risked a glance at him. Perhaps he couldn't
understand what was happening, why of all people his mother seemed to be more glad
to see me again.

It was because he did not know everything that his mother knew.

Coming back to all those past years...It was as if it just happened yesterday...

* * * * *

I was feeling strange from the past few days.

I was often exhausted than normal, I sleep all day but I still feel tired. I have
constant headache that wouldn't leave me even if I took pain-killer. I feel
nauseated and I vomit frequently. I had no idea what was happening to me. So I
called Tita Irene. She took me to a clinic to run some tests.

It was an Ob-Gyne clinic.

She thought I was pregnant because I was showing signs of an early pregnancy.

And that was what I thought too.

We were both ecstatic about the possibility. She went shopping for the baby and I
started thinking of names... and day dream how would it feel to be a mom... to hold
my son or daughter for the first time... i felt warm  inside.

But with just one word... everything that was beautiful was gone.

One day, I got a call from the doctor. She said I had to meet her for the test
results. She didn't sound so happy when she called, and I dreaded it was something
awful.

So I went alone.

And the first thing she said to me was "I'm sorry." Two hurtful words.

She was sorry not because I was not pregnant. She was sorry because they found out
something terrible inside my body... and I won't be expecting a baby sooner or
later.

My world started to shatter... my hope was gone...

I began to withdraw in my shell and I came to a point where I had stonewalled my

husband. I grew cold and numb.

He got worried. So he called Tita for the result, but she also did not know then.
So she went to the doctor and talked to her. She was a family doctor that was why
she told Tita Irene the whole truth, thinking that I gave her permission.

And when she knew, she wanted to tell Alex too.

I panicked. Alex shouldn't know. He must not know. That was all I was thinking.
Pinakiusapan ko si Tita na huwag sabihin kay Alex ang totoo.

"Pero kailangan niyang malaman ang totoo. He needs to know. He's your husband." She
cried.

But I would here none of it. "Please Tita. Don't tell him. Hindi ko kaya..."

"Faith, anak. He won't leave you. He will stay with you. You took a vow, for better
or worse, and through sickness and health, you will be together."

I shook my head hard. I couldn't tell Alex the truth. I couldn't let him see me
like this... It would destroy him.    

"Do it for me, Tita. Please. Ayokong makitang mas nahihirapan si Alex. He will
suffer too, just as I did. At ayokong mangyari iyon sa knaya. I want him to be
happy... please Tita. For me... do it for me..."

And a month after that... I left.

* * * * *

"How are you?"

Pinigilan kong huwag hawakan ang sentido ko nang maramdaman ko ulit iyong sakit na
iyon na dumadaloy sa ulo ko. Ngumiti ako―and it felt tight on my face.
"Everything's fine, Tita. I'm okay now."

Lumungkot ang mag mata niya. "Ang payat-payat mo na." she held my hand close to
her. "I was wrong not to tell Alexander the truth but I couldn't break my promise.
Kailangan kong maniwala na babalik ka pa. At hindi ako nawalan ng pag-asa. I prayed
everyday, every night. And I'm very happy you came back. Hindi ko alam kong
hanggang kailan ko pa maitatago sa anak ko ang katotohanan. You mean the world to
him. He was so devastated when you're gone." She sighed as she touched my face. "I
couldn't imagine what would happen to him if you really are gone."

Hinawakan ko iyong kamay niya. "I'm back, Tita. And you've made a right choice
honoring that promise. Kahit na hindi yon maintindihan ng anak ninyo... ni
Xander... I know he will see why I had to."

"He will..." tumango-tango siya. "He will understand." Bumuntong-hininga naman

siya. Her face turning angry at the thought of something. "I'm sorry about Alexis.
What she did was―I can't even put it in words. She was full of insecurities and
she's always been impulsive and reckless. She even go all the way to your house to
humiliate you. God, what was wrong with that child? Masaydo na siyang ini-spoil ng
mga kapatid niya kaya naging sakit sa ulo ng pamilya."

"It was fine, tita." I said, putting a hand to her arms to comfort her. "Hindi
naman po sekreto sa akin ang tungkol sa disgusto ni Lexie sa akin. Though I don't
still get why. Simula nong ipakilala ako ni Al―Xander sa inyo, ganyan na po siya.
Mabuti na lang po dumating si Xander nong mga oras na nasa bahay si Lexie."
"I couldn't even look at her without remembering
Parang kapatid ka na rin niya. But look what she
paligid. "I didn't invite her to come. Baka dito
risk her outrageous behavior if I wanted to have
iyon na―"
what she did. She embarrasses me.
have done." Naptingin ako sa
pa siya mag-eskandalo. I could not
you here. Kung alam lang ng batang

Pinigilan ko si Tita. I knew what she was going to say. Ayoko lang marinig. "That
might scare her, Tita... but I don't want her pity. Mas gugustuhin ko pang magalit
siya sakin." I've been pitied for all those years I was gone... and it was awful. I
didn't like it when some stranger look at me with pity in their eyes, like they
care, and think I wasn't lucky... that I was living an end.

"I understand. I'm sorry. But it's really nice to have you back again, anak. And
I'm happy for my son, that he have you again beside him."

I smiled at her smile, but not to her words. Or the fact that she was happy Alex
have me again, when he seemed to be so earnest to make me go away.

* * * * *

Hinayaan ko si tita na i-entertain iyong mga bisita niya while I tried to play with
the children to divert the pain. But it seemed to get worse.

And Alex was nowhere to be found.

People came and offered me a warm smile, while others tried to hide their
criticizing stares. Nilapitan ko din and mag-asawang Patty at Excel. Excel was
Alex's older brother. He was the eldest of the three. At anak ng mga ito si Jewel,
ang birthday celebrant. Naging kaklase ko naman si Patty back in college, sila ni
Janna. Kaya naging kaibigan ko sila.

Ako ang inatasan nilang kumuha ng birthday cake ni Jewel, kasi ako daw iyong
special guest ng bata. Wala namang problema sakin iyon. I was glad to be the one
who will present the cake. Kaya pumasok ako ng bahay para kunin iyong cake nang
mapuna kong may tao pala sa loob. Hindi ko na sana papansinin iyon, but the voice
was impossible to miss.

Because the owner of that voice was someone closest to my heart.

Hindi ko alam kung ano ang ginagawa ko o kung ano ang pumasok sa utak ko. All I
know was I was being drawn by a strong pull to somewhere... and the voice got
louder and clearer each step.

And then I saw him there, standing near and facing the window, with a phone tucked
in his ear. He seemed serious.
Sino kaya ang kausap niya?

Pupuntahan ko na sana siya para sabihing ilalabas na iyong cake at baka kung ano pa
ang isipin niya na pinakikinggan ko iyong usapan nila ng kausap niya nang mapatda
ako sa pangalang binanggit niya... 

"You have to be careful, Sav."

It was Savannah. He was talking with her.

Pakiramdam ko lalong sumikip iyong ulo ko kasabay ng biglaang pagsikip ng dibdib

ko. The pain was too deep it was boring into my skull... and then there was a sharp
pain in my heart.

Minabuti ko na lang na umalis bago pa niya ako makitang nakikinig, at bago kung ano
pa ang marinig ko.  

I was already heading out when Alex got off his phone and saw me.

He looked startled. "Oras na ba?"

Tumango lang ako. I couldn't trust myself to speak. Baka iba pa ang lumabas sa
bibig ko. Sumunod siya sakin nong lumabas ako. Then everybody started singing the
Happy birthday song.

And the crowd seemed to make my head spin.

Their voices filled my ears, so loud they were crushing my head.

"Okay, make a wish and blow the candle, Jewel." Patty said beside her daughter and
I struggled to keep standing while holding the cake with both hands.

And then... someone stole the show.

"What a nice surprise..." It was Lexie. Sneering.

Tumayo si Tita pagkakita rito. "Alexis!"

"What mother? You think I won't let my self in just because you invited that
bitch?" Lexie said scathingly.

"Alexis, watch your mouth! This is a children's party." Saway ni Excel sa bunsong
kapatid. But Lexie was intent on humiliating me again, in front of all these
people.

She started yelling and screaming... but I couldn't hear her.

There was a shrilling sound in my ears. My head started pounding with pain.  

The pain was unbearable... it was like a throbbing evil in my head, squeezing my
brain out. I started screaming...

But I couldn't hear myself.

Everything around me swayed... I went double vision... and this time I couldn't
stop it.

"Faith!"

And everything went black.

━━━━━━  « ღ » ━━━━━━  

=================

Chapter ⓯ | Two-faced Jealousy

Chapter ⓯ | Two-faced Jealousy

"Is she alright?"

"I don't know, Ma. Hindi pa rin siya nagigising."

Naramdman kong may humawak sa kamay ko.

"Faith, anak? Please wake up."

I am awake...Pero bakit siya umiiyak? I have to reach that voice... and tell her
I'm okay.

Please... don't cry. I'm still here...Can you hear me?

Someone gasped.

"What is it, Ma?"

"Look! She just moved her hand, Patricia."

"Faith... naririnig mo ba kami?"

Yes...

"Thank God! She's okay!"...

"Saglit lang, Ma. I'll tell everyone she's okay."

* * * * *

I felt my bed dipped down. Naalimpungatan ako. And when I opened my eyes...

"Hey there, sleeping beauty." Patty said smiling at me. "Welcome back."

It was not my room. Where was I? Bakit ako nandito?

Fragments of images, memories came racing through my head... and came the emotions
I could not suppress.

The pain... Alex... Savannah... Lexie...

I fainted, didn't I?

"Si Xander?" I regretted asking as soon as the words came out. Kasi alam ko na ang
magiging sagot sa tanong ko. The fact that he was not here was enough reason to
believe he did not care.

"He's with Lexie." sagot niya sa mababang tono. As if sensing my distress, mabilis
na dinugtungan niya iyon sa masayang boses. "Pero tumawag naman siya kanina para
itanong kung gising ka na."

Oo. Tumawag siya pero hindi man lang niya ako tiningnan.

"Bakit, Faith? May nararamdaman ka ba?" nag-aalalang tanong ni Patty. Hindi ko

napansin na nakasimangot na pala ako. Hindi ko lang talaga maiwasan.

"I'm okay." Pinakiramdaman ko iyong sarili ko. Hindi gaanong masakit ang ulo ko
kagaya dati. Though it was still there... the dull pain. Tumango ako. "Yeah, I'm
feeling better now."

Ngumiti si Patty, feeling relieved. "That's good. Mom was so worried kanina. I
think nasa ibaba siya. Sandali, tatawagin ko lang siya. I'll tell her you're
awake." Tumayo na siya.

I tried to call her back pero nakalabas na siya ng pintuan. Inabala ko na lang ang
sarili ko sa pagbangon ng kama. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang nangyari kanina, kung
bakit ako nahimatay.

Maybe it was because of shock after seeing Lexie. Or perhaps the pain of hearing
Alex and Savannah talking... or it was just because of that intense headache.

I felt pathetic―I was pathetic.

I was lying here sick and out of sort, and my husband was nowhere. At iniisip din
niya na pakana ko lang ang lahat. That all I did was a spectacular show. Kaya
siguro mas pinili niyang bantayan si Lexie kasi ayaw niyang mapahiya dahil sa asawa
niya.

Dumating si Tita sa kuwarto and she looked distress. Pero napahinahon ko rin siya
pagkatapos kong ulit-ulitin sa kanyang maayos na ang pakiramdam ko. I had a feeling
she might suspect something. But she must not find out the secret I was
withholding.

Kinuwento ko sa kanya ang mga nangyari noong wala ako, iyong mga pinagdaanan ko...
lahat. Pati mga tumulong sakin. Naisip kong huwag sabihin nong una kasi baka
magtanong siya. But I trust those people won't say a thing without my consent. They
know the risk.

* * * * * 

The party was resumed. Children are resilient, they tend to forget about almost
everything so fast. Kaya nga masuwerte na ako na children party itong napuntahan
ko. Because what happened was a grand candidate for a society gossip. Imagine what
Alex will be facing if it leaked out.

Pinagpahinga na lang ako ni tita habang hinihintay ko raw si Alex na dumating. Kaya
natulog na lang ako sa isang guest room.

It was four in the afternoon when Alex came. Three hours siyang wala. Tatlong oras
ko siyang hinintay.
Pagdating niya, kaagad siyang nagpaalam. "We're leaving now." He didn't even
bothered to stop and ask if I was doing okay.

"Call me often, okay?" sabi ni tita bago kami umalis. I nodded and waved goodbye.

* * * * * 

Tahimik sa loob ng kotse habang papauwi kami ng bahay. It was a different silence,
hindi katulad nong umaga. This was a forbidding silence. I could feel the force of
his suppressed anger.

What was he mad about? Dahil ba sa nangyari? Was that so humiliating to him that he
could be this mad?

What was I supposed to do? Hindi ko naman sinadya iyong nangyari. It was out of my
hand.

But of course, he wouldn't believe me. His mind was fixed and there was nothing I
could do, not a word I could say to change it.

Kaya mas mabuti na lang na tumahimik ako. Lalo lang lalaki ang galit niya kung
magsasalita ako. There was never a moment he smiled at the word I said or things
I've done. And I didn't think he would start now.

Mabilis kaming dumating sa bahay dahil halos paliparin na ni Alex ang kotse sa
pagmamaneho niya makauwi lang ng bahya ta makalayo sakin. Pagbaba ko, hindi pa rin
siya lumalabas ng kotse. Yumuko ako at nakita kong may kausap siya sa telepono. De
ja vu.

"What?" he said, he looked struck.

Parag may nangyaring hindi maganda. Pati ako ay kinabahan. Pero agad iyong nawala
at nahalinhan ng isa pang pakiramdam nang magsalita siya ulit.

"Where is she? Is she okay?"

She... 

Napahigpit ang hawak ko sa pintuan ng kotse, kasi balak ko ng isara iyon ng malakas
dahil pakiramdam ko may kung anong kumakain sa puso ko.

He was worried about someone, but not me.

"Yes, I'll be there―and tell Sav to stay calm. Okay?" mabilis na pinutol niya ang
linya.

"Hindi ka pa ba papasok?" why did I have to ask? I was so stupid.

Hindi niya ako tiningnan. He was looking straight ahead, staring in space...

My heart lurched painfully out of my chest.

"Hindi na. I have to go somewhere else. Isara mo na iyong pinto."

Saan? Sa kanya ba?

I wanted to ask but he was shifting his gear. I had to close the door and step
away. Wala sa loob na sinara ko iyong pintuan. Then I stepped back as the wheels
screeched on the ground and he drove away.

Hindi ko alam kung ilang oras akong nakatayo doon. Kanina pa nawal iyong tail
lights ng kotse ni Alex, pero nanatili pa rin ako sa kinatatayuan ko. Hindi ko
magawang alisin sa isip ko iyong mga nangyari at iyong nakita ko ngayon lang.

Kung papaanong nag-alala si Alex sa ibang tao kanina. Ang hitsura niya nong marinig
niya ang balita. Kung papaano niya paliparin ang sasakyan papunta sa kanya...

At ang katotohanang lahat ng iyon ay hindi niya magagawa para sakin.

He left me there at the party while I was unconscious. He didn't ask if I was okay.
He just called if I was conscious so he could go home.

I don't know if he was even worried about me.

I'm not sure if he still cares...

* * * * * 

Ang unang ginawa ko paggising ko ng umaga ay tumingin sa labas ng bintana.

Tama ako.

Alex was not home yet. He didn't come home last night. He stayed with her.

Somewhere deep... a voice talked to me.

That's okay Faith. You don't need to be sad. Nobody needs sadness. You just have to
be strong to let him go. And let him find happiness again. You need to set him free
to give him that. So it's okay. This is okay...

And I started my day burying that hurt deep down.

"Hahahaha! Nakakatawa naman tong palabas na 'to, diba nay?" Tiningnan lang ako ni
Nay Julia na parang tinubuan ako ng isa pang ulo. "Hindi po kayo natatawa?" ngumiti
siya pero ngiting aso. "Hindi talaga kayo natatawa?" tanong ko ulit. Kasi
nakakatawa naman talga iyong pinapanoo ko... mukhang ako lang iyong tumatawa sa
boung bahay.

"Anak, may nangyari ba kahapon?" tanong niya bigla. Ako naman ang natameme.

"Wala naman po. Ba't niyo naitanong?" binalik ko sa TV iyong mga mata ko at umupo
ng maayos. Nawalan tuloy ako ng ganang manood nong maalala ko iyong mga nakaraang
nangyari... at si Alex.

"Dumating ka kagabi ng parang wala sa sarili tapos ngayon para kang sinapian
magmula nong umaga."

"Nay, may mga pagkakataon talaga na ganoon ang buhay. Minsan malungkot, minsan
masaya. Pero minsan kahit nasasaktan ka, kailangan mo pa ring tumawa. Kasi ang
mahalaga, lumalaban ka."

Sumeryoso ang mukha ni Nay Julia.

"Huli ka!" binuntunan ko pa iyon ng malakas na tawa. "Grabe, nay. Nakakatawa ang
hitsura ninyo kanina."

"Ikaw talagang bata ka. Naglololoko ka na ngayon." Tumayo siya habang naiiling.
"Ikukuha na lang kita ng maiinom, baka mabilaukan ka sa pinagkakakain mo diyan ng
kung anu-ano."

Nawala ang ngiti ko nang umalis na siya.

Ano ba 'tong pinag-gagagawa ko?

* * * * * 

I stood beside the railings, overlooking the grand view of the sea, the water was
turning orange as the sun dipped to kiss the horizon...
But my head was filled with forlorn thoughts, I couldn't appreciate the beauty in
front of me.

I uttered a sigh.

"Ang lalim non a."

My mouth hung open as I looked at the man standing beside me, startling me.

He was here! How did he come her? When?

"Jed!" my voice sounded like a shrill in my ears.

"They said you're out here... for the past two hours." He turned those laser gaze
to me. "Is there something bothering you again?"

I looked away, terrified of what he might see. He was too close he could see my
naked thoughts.

Jed had a knack on tapping in my head and the words that were unspeakable to me. He
always knew what was inside my head. I hated it.

"You always do this, you know, when you're thinking. You sit and watch the sunset
for hours until it gets dark." Puna niya.

"So what, are you a psychologist now?" sinubukan kong ngumiti.

"I'm a friend. And friends talk to friends at times like this."

I gave up. There's no use pretending. I couldn't deceive him. "Bakit ka nandito?" I
asked warily, praying that he didn't come only to take me back.

"Did you tell him yet?"

This... I need to tell him now.

Humarap ako sa kanya. At huminga ng malalim, hoping against hope that he will
understand me.

"You didn't, did you?" inunahan niya ako.

Napapikit ako. "I couldn't."

His mouth pressed, then relaxed. "Faith, we need to move fast. Time's running
out." 

"Jed, calm down. Everyhting's fine, okay? I'm okay. Wala pang nangya―"

"You fainted yesterday!"

I was stunned for two reasons, which rendered me speechless. First, this was the
first time he got angry with me.  And second―how did he know about what happened?

As if reading my confusion, he answered me. "It was Mrs. Smith who called me, your
mother-in-law." And now there was hurt in his eyes. "You promised, Faith. You
promised to call no matter what happen."

"I'm sorry." This was hard. I couldn't tell him about the headache... or that I
feel exhausted nearly everyday for the past few days... "It just happened, I
thought it was okay. I have been having a hard time since I came back. I was just
stressed out. Kaya hindi na kita inabala."

He wiped a hand to his face. "Kaya nga dapat sinabi mo na kay Alexander simula pa
lang."

"It's not that easy, Jed." He wouldn't believe me if I told him the first day I
came back.

"You're not telling me something, Faith."

I looked up at him, unaware of the pain visible in my eyes. "It's between me and
him."

I could tell by the way he clenched his jaw that he didn't like what I said. Then
something flashed across his face. "He didn't believe you."

"Will you stay out of my head for once?" I strove for calmness. Getting angry would
not help the situation. I needed him to take my side, not make him my enemy. "Look.
You made me choose and I've made my decision. I came home. But I need time for
this. Hindi madali ang gagawin ko. I would risk another failure if I tell Alex so
soon. And I won't do that. So just give me some time and I'll go."

"I understand. If it's me, I'd give you time as long as you need. But it's you I'm
worried about. You don't have much time, Faith."

I closed my eyes, my ears to the words... "I know that. But..." I knew I don't have
enough time. But I'll have to try―because this might be the only chance I'd ever
have.

"How long do you plan to stay then?"

I looked at him. He stared at me. "Five months."

"Five? Faith, do you know how much time is that? Baka hindi na tayo umabot. We need
to do that operation soon."

Hinawakan ko iyong magkabilang balikta niya at pinilit na harapin ako. He was

freaking out but I had to tell him. "Jed, listen to me. Hindi ako babalik hangga't
hindi ako napapatawad ni Alex. I could not go through that if I know I don't have
anyone to go back to. Naiintindihan mo ba iyon? I need a reason to come back."

This time, I could see he was really looking inside me...

* * * * *

Gabi na nang ihatid ko si Jed sa labas ng bahay. "I'll tell Dad about this. Don't
worry, I'll talk to him."

"Thank you, Jed." For everything...

"Kaibigan kita kaya gagawin ko ang lahat para matulungan ka. So you don't have to
say thank you. It's my job to take care of you." Punong puno ng sinseredad ang
boses niya, pati ang mga salita niya. Kaya hindi ko napigilang yakapin siya. He's
always there for me. At hindi siya humingi ng kapalit.

Mabilis kaming naghiwalay nong may sumabog na ilaw sa paligid namin. Then I heard a
sound of an engine―a car.

Alex was back.

Namatay ang ilaw, and Alex came out. He closed the door hard. Napahigpit ang hawak
ko sa kamay ni Jed sa gulat.

Did something bad happen to Savannah?

I didn't noticed I was still holding Jed's hand until Alex's eyes moved downward.
His dark, dark eyes expertly assessing and taking in the sight of the two of us.
Then his gaze came to rest on me. And my heart stopped.

I opened my mouth but before I could say a word, Jed came forward and offered him a
hand.
But Alex, being Alex, ignored it and walked to me instead, never breaking his eyes
on me. The force of the blazing power around him made me stagger back, but he was
there fast, a hand came to lay behind my back, catching me still.

I looked up at him confused. "Xander―"

Before my lips could speak another word, they were smothered and stopped under a
cruel, hard mouth―his.

The world went dark, and disorientation took over.

Shock rendered me stiff under the onslaught. He was crowding me, wrapping those
strong arms around me, pulling me off my feet and into him.

My senses were so overloaded that I had trouble disintegrating the strands of

sensation.

There was his scent... the feel of his chest against my palm... then there was his
mouth...I was suddenly melting.

Then his head came up, putting me back to ground―almost like dropping me, and
whipped his head around.

I was taking all this in but I felt disembodied.

The kiss―if I could even call it that―had seared its way to my brain. It rendered
me immobile. I didn't even realize Jed was watching.

All I could do was to watch helplessly as Alex pulled me tight into his side. He
smiled urbanely, dangerously. "I'm sorry I haven't been around the whole day to
entertain our guest." He looked down at me and lifted my hand. It was held in a
death grip, I could feel the blood stopping. But to our audience, it must have
looked like a tender gesture when he suddenly kissed the top of my knuckles.

He could've been nominated in n acting award by the way he looked away from me with
extreme reluctance. But with what I could see very clearly was extreme loathing.
His eyes were dark and hard.

Words were locked in my throat.

He smiled again and it was cold. He looked at Jed again. "And she didn't mention it
was you who came." He tightened his hold on me, making me gasp painfully. "I'ts
good that love was making me magnanimous."
But Jed couldn't see what was happening. "It's nice to see you again, Alexander.
It's been a while." Then he strode near his car. "Well, good night." He looked at
me right before he went inside.

As I watched the departing car, I realized I was alone with Alex... and his
misplaced fury.

He dropped his hands as though I was infectious. "Get inside. Now." I opened my
mouth but he made a move and I flinched. "Not a word. Inside. Now."

I felt wobbly and my head swirled with everything that just happened. On cotton
wool legs, I followed him inside. As soon as I saw a chair, I went and sat down,
seriously afraid that I might fall down.

"Get up. Did I say you could sit down?"

I looked up. He strode forward and pulled me up of the chair. Two hands gripped my
arms, holding me like a rag doll. And I felt like a rag doll.

"How dare you? How dare you bring that man inside my house?"

I gasped in pain and he let me go. I swayed back, holding my hurt arms. What was he
saying?

He delivered a scathing glance up and down. "I was gone for just a day and you
couldn't wait to bring him here." His mouth twisted in disgust. His words falling
and stinging m flesh like a whip.

Increasingly, I was feeling more and more detached from my body as I ran his words
into my mind.

Did he think Jed was my...

Oh my God...

He would think that lowly of me?

My mouth opened but, before I could say my plea, he was continuing. "And here I
thought you were so sick but again... you surprised me. So, what did the two of you
do while I was gone?"

"Stop it, Xander. Huwag mong lagyan ng masamang ibig sabihin ang pagkakaibigan
namin ni Jed."
He advanced dangerously I thought he would hurt me. But he stopped. "Kaibigan?" I
moved back at his vehemence. I felt more light-headed. "Was that all you call him?"
he laughed a grim laugh. "I don't even know the word."  His face turned darker,
closing in the distance. "Don't you ever do this again. Because if I catch him
sticking his head inside my property, I'm telling you... I won't be held
responsible for my action."

And he stormed away.

━━━━━━  « ღ » ━━━━━━ 

=================

Chapter ⓰ | Faceless Monster

Chapter ⓰ | Faceless Monster

Before I closed my eyes, it was all I could think. As soon as my eyes opened, it
was all I saw... all I could feel.

That kiss.

I kept on thinking about it, remembering it... even though my heart was breaking.
Because I knew that kiss was nothing special. It was just for a show.

I got up and prepared to go downstairs. My feet was stuck on the kitchen doorstep.
Shock made me stood still.

There was Alex. And his eyes were like two ice chips―on abroad daylight. Galit pa
rin siya sa nangyari kagabi.

But why did he have to be so angry last night when he got it all wrong?

It was me who should be angry, right? It was me who was supposed to be looking at
him like that. Kasi siya iyong hindi umuwi at magdamag na nasa tabi ng ibang babae.

Pero hindi ko magawang magalit sa kanya. Oo, nasasaktan ako. But I was not mad.
Kasi wala akong karapatang magalit. At alam iyon ni Alex.

Natapos ang agahan ng walang lumalabas na salita sa bibig ni Alex. And it was fine
because I was not sure what would I say.
Kaya nga laking gulat ko nong tumigil siya sa tabi ko nong palabas na siya at bigla
akong kausapin.

"Pupunta ako sa Beach resort ng katrabaho ko mamaya dahil may business conference
kami doon. It's one week." Tiningnan ko siya. "And I'm planning to bring you with
me."

Nabitawan ko iyong hawak kong kutsara sa gulat.

"So get ready before ten o'clock. May dadaanan pa tayo on the way." Pagkatapos ay
lumabas na siya ng dining room nang wala man lang paliwanag.

Bakit kailangan niya akong isama? Did he have change of heart?

Naalala ko iyong mga sinabi niya kagabi. What happen to him this morning? Ang akala
ko hindi na niya ako kikibuin. Pero...

And then the answer hit me right between my eyes.

He couldn't trust me to be alone―not in one week, or even a single day.

That was why.

* * * * *

Tapos na akong mag-impake at dinala na iyon ni Alex sa sasakyan niya. He told me to

bring a formal dress dahil baka raw magkaroon ng event while we're there. Medyo
nagkaproblema ako roon kasi wala akong bagong damit. So I thought I'd bring an old
one―iyong sinuot ko sa gala. The night Alex was introduced to me by my father.

It had been an awkward night for me. Kasi first time kong lumabas in public. Lahat
ng malalaki at prominenteng pangalan, nasa guest list namin. Even actors and
actresses with expensive price tags were there. And I had been so nervous to death,
I didn't know what to do with myself. So I ended up making a serious face. Kaya
siguro walang lumapit sakin buong gabi. Except one.

I looked so clumsy in my gala dress, graceless and I fumbled all the time―the whole
night, actually. My mother laughed the entire evening everytime she looked at me.

Pain clenched inside my chest at the thought of her face, the sound of her laughter
ringing in my head... and I realized I would never hear that laugh anymore. I
missed her... dad... and the life with them.
A tear escaped my eyes before I could blink it away. Mabilis kong pinunasan ang
mukha ko, and unfortunately, Alex caught me.

"Are you okay?" he asked bluntly, like he didn't care, which did more damage to my
injured heart.

"I just thought about mom... and dad." I answered lamely.

"You miss them." There was a hint of sympathy in his voice that made me turn and
look at him. But his face gave away nothing. At hindi na siya nagsalita pagkatapos
non.

I looked ahead.

We were going somewhere near a beach. Sa ibang tao, exciting iyon kasi oras iyon ng
kasiyahan. Mabuti na lang at nawala na ng tuluyan ang sakit na ininda ko sa mga
nakaraang araw. Maybe it helped when I fainted. Kasi sayang naman ang trip na ito
kung hindi ko man lang ito ma-enjoy kahit saglit lang. This will be the first trip
I would be spending with Alex after so many years, since our honeymoon. Naging busy
na kasi siya noon sa trabaho. He took me to some of his few business trips before,
pero hindi sa beach. And I was a little glad that he thought of taking me even if
it was for the wrong reasons.

* * * * * 

I was lost in my thoughts I didn't see where he was going... or what was coming to
greet me.

"Sumabay ka na sakin sa loob. Baka matagalan ako." Sabi ni Alex nong huminto ang
sasakyan namin.

I was planning so stay inside and wait for him instead but he was already climbing
out of the car. Ayoko namang paghintyin siya kaya bumaba narin ako.

And then I totally froze.

We're in a hospital, my mind screamed. But Alex didn't seem to notice the turmoil
that was building fast inside me and kept on walking, expecting me to follow him.

With a huge gulp of air that seemed stuck in my throat, I began to walk close
behind him, trying hard to shut my mind off.

I walked inside with my head down, trying to keep my calm as the smell of
antiseptics filled my nose. Trying to ignore the fear that was slowly strating to
invade and overcome my senses.
We took the elevator and for a while, I felt myself breath in and out, my lungs was
desperately clawing for air. I saw my reflection... my face was parched white, my
lips were so pale, and my eyes... they looked tormented.

I knew it would be a little while before everything settled in... and I've got to
get out of this place before something happened.

PING!

The elevator door opened, and the magnitude of terror rushed back in... like a
tornado―blazing and suffocating.

And Alex was still oblivious of it.

"Wait for me here..." he said, he started to walk but he came back and made me take
a seat. "Are you sure you're going to be okay if I leave you here?" he asked, but I
couldn't say anything. "Mabilis lang 'to." And then he left.

And I was alone.

That was when I started to tremble. Uncontrollably.

Shock was setting in... and I couldn't stop it.

I was in a hospital... just like the clinic... that empty room... with white walls.

* * * * *

"Is everything I need in here?" tanong ni Alex kay Savannah.

"Why are you in a hurry?" nagtatakang tanong ni Savannah sa kanya.

Yes, why was he in a hurry?

Because there was a person outside waiting for him. At hindi siya mapakali dahil sa
nakita niyang ekspresyon sa mukha nito. She looked so pale he thought she was going
to faint again. "Anyway, everything's in there. You just have to read it."

Inabot ni Alex iyong mga document na nakalatag sa higaan nito. Then the door swung
open, three men entered the room. Lahat sila nakatingin kay Alex. And the look on
their faces made him uncomfortable.
"Pare, was that you're wife outside?" tanong ni Tyrone. Tumango siya. Something
clenched inside his gut. "I think you should take a look at her. She seemed to be
in shock..."

Hindi na tinapos ni Alex ang salita ng kaibigan niya. He ran.

Alex came out of the room and there she saw her. He reeled.

She was staring straight ahead. Her hands shaking in her lap, and she was so pale
that he was surprised she was still sitting.

"Faith..." he called.

No response.

"Faith..?" he called a little louder.

Still no response.

He moved closer, and sat down beside her... eventually taking her hands in his...

* * * * *

I felt warmth coming from somewhere. But I was locked in a living nightmare. I knew
I was not asleep.

I was surrounded by white walls and there's nothing that can wake me up.

Eventually... something pierced my consciousness.

"Faith..."

Someone was pulling my head around, forcing my eyes to meet... his. The only pair
of eyes I'd ever wanted to look at. The warmth of his hands was seeping through my
chilled bones and body. Like a life-saving force.

And with that, sanity and reality returned.

"Faith?" Alex was looking at me but it wasn't his usual impatient look. It was
something different. Assessing. Speculative... confused...

"I'm sorry. Can I leave? If that's okay? Or I could just stay if you want." But I
don't think I'd last.

"No. I mean, stay here. I'll just get something and then we'll leave. Okay?"

I nodded, and watched as he put my hands back in my lap and walked away. I felt
like calling out after him, but just as swiftly, he returned with a few file
folders in his hand.

"Let's go."

And to my utter surprise, he took my hand again as he pulled me out of the chair.
At hindi niya iyon binitawan hanggang sa makasakay kami sa elevator, sa paglabas ng
hospital, at nang marating namin ang kotse.

Binitawan lang niya ako nong pinagbuksan niya ako ng pintuan at pinasakay sa loob.

* * * * *

Tahimik pa rin sa loob ng sasakyan. At hindi ko napigilan ang tulog. I felt

exhausted after the shock subsided. It drained me all of my energy.

It was already dark when we finally arrived. Thunder rolled above our heads.
Mukhang may malakas na ulan na darating.

May tumulong na magbaba ng mga gamit namin. I recognized they were the hotel
valets. Dahil gabi na, hindi ko na masyadong makita ang ganda ng resort. But I
could hear the strong waves of the sea.

Pinaakyat na ni Alex iyong mga gamit sa kuwarto namin.

"We should have dinner before we go up. Or would you like to order for room
service?"

Tiningnan ko iyong susi sa kamay niya. I was at loss for words. All that I was
thinking was―we're having one room. And we will be sharing one bed. For one week.

"Faith?"

"Uh... dinner's fine. Here, I mean." Putol-putol na sabi ko, praying that he
wouldn't notice my blushing face.

Sinamahan kami ng isang attendant para ituro sa amin kung saan ang main dining
hall.
A loud welcome greetings erupted in the room as soon as we arrived.

I assumed they were Alex's business associates, puro halos lalaki. I scanned the
crowd to look for someone familiar pero wala akong nakita. Not even Drew.

I don't reaaly know much about my husband's business. Ang alam ko lang, they find
potential clients to build a building for them. Contractors. That's what they were
called.

Alex was an engineer himself. A construction engineer. Dad was pleased with his
works and he thought he had potentials. That was why he gave Alex a share of his
company to help him start his own agency. Pero hindi naging maganda ang business ni
Alex sa umpisa.

He struggled. He was betrayed. And he failed.

It broke his heart when he thought he was going to lose the agency.

And that was the beginning of everything...

Isa iyon sa mga rason kaya hindi ko nasabi sa kanya ang nabalitaan ko noon sa
doctor. Naisip ko na baka hindi niya kayanin ang sasabihin ko. He needed strength
that time and I couldn't give it to him. Mas lalo ko lang siyang pahihirapan. So I
came to a decision.

Looking at him now, I knew I made the right choice.

He was standing tall and proud for what he had accomplished to himself. And even
though I wasn't there to watch him everyday building his work, reaching for his
dreams... I was happy for him. And I felt proud of him.

I don't think he would come this far if I decided otherwise... he would lose hope
if he knew about it. And he'll stop dreaming... the way I did. He would be
corrupted, just like the way it corrupted me.

"And who is this beautiful lady with you, Paul? I had an impression you're a man
born to be an island."

I was lost in my own thoughts I hadn't realized I was being scrutinized by a woman
with sharp eyes. She was a beautiful woman, but I could sense the cleverness behind
the mask.

This might be a bad idea. Hindi na dapat ako pumayag na mag-dinner dito kasama si
Alex. Puwede naman akong kumain sa kuwarto. Alex wouldn't want me hanging around
his colleagues.
"Uhm... I'm Faith." I offered a hand out of politeness and she shook it with a
smile.

"And I'm Monica." She said.

I dropped my hand, too qick. "I'm sorry. I have to go. It's nice to meet you by the
way."

"So soon?" tapos ay tumingin ito kay Alex, nakataas pa ang isang kilay nito.

Well, I don't have time to wait for another banter, I have to scoot before I
embarrass Alex in front of them.

I started to walk back, but a hand snaked at my waist, stopping me. I looked over
and saw Alex pulled me closer besie him. "Monica, I'm sure you remember, Faith. My
wife."

I tensed, waiting for the word that would drop like a bomb―but nothing.

He said I'm his wife. And everyone heard him.

Why?

"Oh, so you're the wife?" Monica's mouth broke into a delightful smile, genuinely.
"Nice to finally meet you. I've been wondering what kind of girl that would tempt
this sadistic business man. And seeing you... I knew he was the lucky one."
Tumingin ito kay Alex. "You're a lucky man, Paul. Very lucky." She said with a
knowing smile before leaving.

Well, that was unexpected.

I felt his hand move. Kaya napa-isod ako bigla. But he kept me close. Closer.
"Don't mind her. She's had too many drinks tonight." He said calmly, like he knew
what he was doing and at the same time he didn't.

Was this another part of his show?

I doubt it. Because for the rest of the evening, he kept me close to him, even
though he was not talking to me. And he was laughing. He seemed happy.

But something was bothering me that night.

Although they were all accommodating and pleasant... there was one who gave me
creeps. I didn't know why. But he just kept on looking at me with scrutiny. It felt
like he was looking straight at me, that he could see what was beneath my skin.

And what was more confusing was that man looked vaguely familiar to me.

Have I seen him somewhere before?

━━━━━━  « ღ » ━━━━━━  

=================

Chapter ⓱ | A Kiss of Freedom

Chapter ⓱ | A Kiss of Freedom

The suit was sensationally fabulous.

Para akong nakatayo sa lugar na nakikita ko lang sa loob ng mga magazines. Elegance
and timeless class were put together into one. Yet there still the touch of
vibrancy. Kasi may mga decorative frames and furnitures na may matitingkad na
kulay. Since it was a resort hotel, kailangan ding bumagay ang internal design sa
lugar.

At hindi lang doon nagtapos ang surprisa ko.

My eyeballs popped out of my eye socket and my mouth hung open as I entered the
room. The room was―to put it simply―stunning.

Pero hindi lang ang desinyo ng kwarto ang nagpabigla sakin. It was the bed...

The room has two beds. Separate beds.

I don't know why I felt so relieved. Well, I suppose I do know why I was
relieved―we're having a separate bed.

It was not just because of the 'potential' intimacy that would happen if a man and
a woman shared the same bed that I'm actually afraid of. It was about something
else... something I couldn't let him see... something ugly.

They were my secrets. My unspeakable past.

Hindi naging mahirap sa akin ang maging komportable sa lugar na iyon. It was like
the mind of the person designed the room was thinking about home―a place where
people find comfort, security, and peace. At nararamdaman ko iyon.

It was after I hit the soft cushion of the mattress that I succumbed to sleep,
without Alex.

Paggising ko kinabukasan, madilim pa rin ang kwarto.

There was a storm coming, kaya siguro wala pa ring sumisikat na araw kahit na alas-
diyes na ng umaga. The darkness and the heavy air made me feel sleepy and the bed
felt so cozy. Pagtingin ko sa kabilang kama, maayos na iyon. Like it was not used.

Did I really see Alex came in last night? That he slept peacefully? Or was it my
imagination?

The wind blew inside the open window, and a piece of paper floating down from my
drawer caught my eyes. Too lazy to sit up, pinulot ko iyong papel nang nakadapa sa
kama. It was a piece of a tissue paper. At sulat-kamay ni Alex ang nandoon.

I have an early meeting today. There's a breakfast waiting on the table. Eat it
when you're up. See you at dinner. – P.A

Trabaho na kaagad sa unang araw.

That was just like him.

Ang bigat ng katawan ko at gusto ko pa sanang matulog. Pero may ibang plano ang
tiyan ko, kaya sa napakabagal na kilos, bumangon ako at lumabas ng kuwarto. And
just like what Alex said, may naghihintay na mga plato sa mesa sa sala. At lalong
nagrambulan ang mga bulati ko sa tiyan nang makita ko kung ano ang laman ng mga
natatakpang plato.

Some were my favorites.

My heart fluttered for the gesture, pero pinigil kong huwag maglagay ng ibang
kahulugan sa mga ginagawa ni Alex. It was dangerous.

Tinapos ko na lang ang pagkain ko imbes na mag-isip ng kung anu-ano. Mali-mali rin
naman ang naiisip ko.

Pagkatapos kumain, naisip kong manood na lang ng TV. Sa ganitong panahon, baka wala
rin akong mapasyalan. Baka ma-stranded lang ako sa kung saan kapag lumabas ako at
inabutan ng ulan. Mukha pa namang malakas ang ulan and darating mamaya.
Hindi ko na namalayang nakatulog na ako sa sofa habang nanonood. Para kasing
nakakaantok ang paligid. Parang may dalang sedative effect ang hangin. Nagising na
lang ako dahil sa malakas na kulog ng kidlat.

Lalo pang dumilim ang kalangitan. It was 5pm. Ilang oras na rin pala akong
nakatulog. Bumalik ako sa kuwarto para doon na lang magpatuloy ng tulog ko.

An hour after trying to sleep, I still lay staring up at the ceiling. Hindi na ako
makatulog dala ng pag-iisip. Images, memories, emotions―all were swirling through
my head. And most vivid of them all were the images of Alex and the past.

The air in the room seemed more oppressive. I noticed that the French doors were
closed. I craved for air, a breeze―something to feel.

So I got up and went to open them.

I heard another roll of thunder. The air outside was dense, warm, and unbearably
heavy, redolent with the imminent storm which still had not hit.

I stepped out and looked up.

Drops of rain started to fall, as if they had been waiting for my cue. I stretched
out a hand as they fall, heavier and heavier. Within seconds, it was a torrential
down pour, and jagged lightening lit up the sky.

I stepped out farther. The rain drenching me in seconds. And I didn't care.

Because the moment was magical.

I stood there, my face tipped up to the menacing black clouds as the rain teemed
down over me, plastering my hair to my head. I fell as if I were being cleansed.

Tinaas ko iyong mga kamay ko... as if I was welcoming them like a benediction. And
I whirled and whirled around...

An intense of joy filled me... and I couldn't stop myself from laughing and
dancing. And that's what I did.

I danced under the rain with the sound of them pouring and the drum of thunder as
my music... I felt free and I danced through my freedom.

Despite the pain of knowing the future, the truth... the fact that Alex would want
to get away from me... I could not ask for a better chance than to have a time with
him.

That was my freedom.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?"

I dropped my arms feeling instantly silly and whirled around with my heart thumping
heavily. I could barely see Alex through the driving rain, although I could sense
his tension, his irritation.

Lumabas siya mula sa loob at lumapit sa akin. Pati siya nabasa na rin ng ulan. He
just looked at me. And I realized he was waiting for an explanation.

"I... I'm standing in the rain." I answered lamely.

"I can see that."

The rain kept on pouring and I kept standing as he looked at me. He was standing so
close I didn't know what to say. Unconsciously, I moved a hand and tucked a wet
hair behind my ear, and noticed that I was trembling. He saw it too. And what came
next was almost unbelievable for me.

He reached out a hand and wiped traces of rain away from my face as he still looked
right at me. There was something else in his eyes that made my heart ran wild.

It had to be real... I said. It couldn't be my imagination. It was there. He looked

at me like that many times before...

He wanted to kiss me.

The electricity in the air wasn't just coming from the sky. My breath was stuck in
my throat, my heart was thumping as he started to lean closer... and closer still.

And then he was closing the distance, and warm lips closed mine. I felt warm
despite being cold and wet with rain. All I could feel was his soft lips, his
strong arms around me... him. My husband.

The rain and the storm had added a magical other-worldly element to everything to
me that time. It was magical... special... like it had always been before.

This was the kiss of being free...

When I felt him drew back, I opened my eyes that felt heavy-lidded. My legs felt
weak. And I noticed the rain started to calm now... there was only silence.
I looked up at him, acutely conscious of how my dress was clinging to my body, and
suddenly, awful reality wanted to intrude.

I couldn't believe that had happened. I couldn't move. Little tremors were still
pulsing through me.

I couldn't read the expression on his face, and a little shiver ran down my
spine.vI sensed something ominous around the air.

He took a step back... and stood far away from me. He didn't look at me. I could
see he was starting to withdraw himself.

"Go back inside." He said distantly, like nothing happened.

And then he went inside.

* * * * *

Much later, the weather had calmed outside.

Without looking, I knew the sky would be clear now, yet my mind seemed not.

At dinner, Alex was nowhere near me. He couldn't look over to me. And I think it
helped me think, to clear my head.

What happened was a surprise to the both of us. He didn't think he was doing it and
I didn't see it coming―well, I did. But I was shell-shocked to know what to do. The
last time he kissed me was to make a statement in front of a good friend. What was
I supposed to do?

But even though it was not planned, and he didn't do it to get back at me... it
still changes nothing.

Because that kiss meant nothing to him.

* * * * *

It was a nice day by the next morning. The sky was clear, the air was fresh, and
the sea was calm. It's as if there hadn't been a storm that touched the surface of
the Earth last night.

Out in the sun, I could now see the beautiful scene I missed last night.
The resort was breath-taking.

Though, malapit lang din sa dagat ang kinatatayuan ng bahay namin, mas
nakakabighani pa rin ang ganda at tanawin dito. It felt like a paradise.

May narinig akong ingay sa likuran ko. And I turned to see Alex―wearing only a
towel.

And the next thing that came right through my flipped out brain was what happened
last night, here on this balcony.

Hot flush crept into my face. I started shaking my head mentally. I shouldn't be
thinking about that. What was happening to me? Para akong teenager na kilig na
kilig makita ang crush niya.

Out of the blue, a hand flashed into my view and it touched my warming face. I was
rooted right on the spot as I realized whose hand that was.

"You're hot, kaya pala namumula ka na kasi nakatayo ka rito ng ganito kaaga." He
started pushing me inside and I walked stiffly before him. "You shouldn't be
standing outside that long."

Hindi siya tumigil sa pagtulak sa akin hanggang sa marating namin ang banyo. Parang
sinipa ng kabayo ang dibdib ko.

What was he doing?

"It's your turn." Sabi na lang niya nong bigla niya akong binitawan, lumabas at
sinara iyong pintuan. Siya pa ang nag-lock ng pintuan.

Was he out of his mind?

Or was it just me?

After a quick shower, sumunod ako kay Alex sa ibaba para sa almusal. Pagdating ko,
puno ang table ni Alex at mukhang nagkakasiyahan pa silang lahat. He was with his
colleagues, kaya kinain na naman ako ng takot ko. Naisip ko na lang na huwag nang
lumapit sa kanila.

Pero pagtalikod ko, may nakabangga ako.

It's him.
Trepidation grew inside me at the sight of his eyes.

Hindi ko alam kung ano, but this man made me feel exposed. Like he could see what
was inside me. The way he watched me... It was disturbing.

"Nathan!" I heard someone called.

The man reluctantly pulled his eyes away from me and looked somewhere behind me. "I
think someone wants breakfast." He said.

"Faith?" nasa tabi na pala ni Nathan si Monica. "Come. Join us. Kasama naman namin
ang asawa mo."

Nakangiting hinila niya ako papunta sa mesa nila at sapilitang pinaalis iyong
katabi ni Alex para doon ako paupuin. They just laughed at what she did, pero
tahimik lang si Alex at nagpatuloy sa pagkain. He was making me nervous even more.

I tried to act normal for the whole breakfast. Ngumuingiti at tumatawa ako sa mga
kuwento nilang nakakatawa, sumasagot ako kapag kinakailangan, at nakikinig ako sa
lahat ng sinasabi nila.

But that hawk eye was burning hole behind my head the whole time. Tapos
dinadagdagan pa iyon ng kakaibang mood ni Alex.

Maybe I should talk to that man. Hindi kasi ako mapalagay kapag nasa paligid siya.
He just remind me of something but I don't know what it was.

I really have to talk to him before we leave.

Pagkatapos ng almusal, nagpaalam na ako kaagad para bumalik sa suit namin. Alex
started to fold his table napkin, akala ko susunod siya. Pero kinausap siya ni Ross
tungkol sa business proposal nito.

Hindi ko na hinintay na matapos ang usapan ng dalawa. Tumayo na ako at umalis ng

dining hall.

Pumasok na ako ng elevator at pinindot yong floor number ng suit naming.

PING!

Pasara na yong elevator nang biglang may pumigil na kamay doon.

"Wait!"
Bumukas yong elevator. At nakatayo doon si Alex.

"B-bakit?" taong ko, habang pinipigil kong lumundag-lundag. Hindi siya sumagot.
Hinatak na lang niya ako bigla palabas ng elevator. Mukha siyang galit na
ewan..."Uh... Al―" muntik ko na namang makalimutan. "Xander." Napansin kong medyo
humigpit yong hawak sa kamay ko. "Saan ba tayo pupunta?" he seemed to be heading
outside. Hindi pa naman ako nakabihis ng maayos.

Tinanong ko ulit siya kasi mukhang hindi narinig ang tanong ko.

"We're going somewhere." He said as if that told me everything.

Somewhere? Saan?

Tumigil ako. Napatingin siya sa akin. "Uh... magpapalit muna ako ng damit." Sabi
ko. Tiningnan niya ako. Nakashorts at maluwag na T-shirt lang ako.

"You're fine." Sabi niya tapos hinatak ulit niya ako.

Hindi ko siya maintindihan pero sumama na lang ako.

Lumulubog na yong mga paa ko sa buhangin. Ramdam na ramdam ko yong init at yong
lambot ng buhangin sa paa ko. Ang hirap maglakad kasi naka-flip-flops lang ako.

Puno na ng buhangin ang mga paa ko. Bumibigat na yong mga paa ko, bumabagal na yong
lakad ko, e mabilis pa naman yong lakad ni Alex. Hindi ko siya masabayan. Tumingin
na naman siya sa akin. Salubong ang mga kilay niya.

"Ah... Eh... Pasensya na. tatanggalin ko lang yong tsinelas ko." Sabi ko kaagad
bago siya magsalita. I slipped my hand out of his grasp. Yumuko ako at tinanggal
yong tsinelas ko. "Tara na." sabi ko pagtayo ko.

Mabilis na kinuha niya yong tsinelas ko at pinalitan iyon ng kamay niya. I had to
purse my lips so hard to keep myself from smiling. The feeling of his firm hands in
mine stole my sanity. I felt giddy. And ridiculously happy.

Gusto kong analisahin ang nangyayari, but I stopped myself. I don't want to ruin
this moment. I know something changed... I can feel it.

I just want to feel it―this wonderful feeling I've been chasing... this dream I
thought I've only imagined.

━━━━━━  « ღ » ━━━━━━  
=================

Chapter ⓲ | Ugly Scar

Chapter ⓲ | Ugly Scar

We enjoy warmth because we have been cold. We appreciate light because we have been
in darkness. By the same value, we can experience joy because we have known
sadness.

This might be just now and I might not be able to experience this feeling again. So
I wanted to make the most of it. I wanted to dance like there's nobody watching.
Sing like there's nobody listening. Love like I'd never be hurt.

And live like it's heaven on earth.

After what I did to Alex, I had known I don't deserve such happiness again. But I
held on to hope. And Faith.

Each night I say a prayer before I sleep that someday, sometime, he will open up
his heart.

Each morning I wake up and open my eyes, I say to myself that it's me who have the
power to make myself  happy or unhappy, not what will or might happen. And I can
choose what it shall be.

Rather than wallowing in misery and thinking about things I couldn't control, I
chose to hold on to now. Yesterday is dead and tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have
just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.

Everything began with that single kiss―that kiss in the rain.

I knew it was something special. It was magic.

Kahit na alam kong hindi iyon sinadya ni Alex, at baka nga rin walang ibig sabihin
iyon para sa kanya... para sakin... iyon iyong isang napakagandang bagay na
nangyari sakin pagkatapos ng lahat ng pinagdaanan ko sa loob ng nakaraang tatlong
taon.

"Here."
Tumabi sakin si Monica matapos kong abutin ang baso ng juice na binigay niya sakin.
Nakasilong kami sa isang sunbed na may malaking parasol panangga namin sa araw
habang pinapanood namin iyong paglalaro ng mga kasamahan nila at ni Alex ng beach
soccer.

"Salamat." Usal ko bago sumipsip sa straw ng juice.

"You know, I've never seen Paul like that." Napatingin ako kay Monica. She had a
thoughtful look on her face as she watched Alex and everyone. Pagkatapos ay
tumingin siya sakin. "He's happy." She said smiling.

Napatingin ako kay Alex. Nasa mukha nga nito ang saya. I could see that he's having
fun playing. Para tuloy itong bumalik sa pagkabata habang naglalaro sa buhangin
suot lang manipis na sando at beach short nito. He looked young and relaxed right
now. Parang bumalik ang Alex na nakilala at nakasama ko.

Hindi ko napigilan ang pagsilay ng ngiti sa bibig ko nang maalala ko iyong nangyari
kahapon.

Yesterday was amazing and wonderful. Iyon ang unang pagkakataong nadama ko ang
ganong saya sa nakalipas na tatlong taon. Iyon ang araw na muli kong naramdaman ang
matagal ng nawala sakin... ang muling magkaroon ng pag-asa.

Never in a million years would I expect him to to do that―ang ipasyal ako ng buong
araw after all that had been said and done. Parang walang Jed, walang Lexie, at
walang Savannah na nangryari. It's as if there was just only the two of us.
Together. Again. Like those three years were non-existent.

Ipinasyal niya ako sa buong resort buong maghapon. He showed a lot of places and
famous spots there was to go. Sa una, medyo ilang pa rin ako. Hindi kasi ito
nagsasalita habang naglalakad kami, habang hawak-hawak pa din nito ang kamay ko.
Hindi ko nga rin alam kung kelan ako naging komportable. I just realized I had fun
when he said it was time to head back. At gabi na nung bumalik kami sa hotel.

He took me to a boutique. I thought he'd buy a shirt or something so I just waited

outside and occupied myself with looking at the souvenirs they were selling. Kaya
nagulat ako nung biglang may kung anong nilagay si Alex sa ulo ko paglabas niya ng
boutique.

"Wear it. Baka magka-sunburn ka." Sabi nito at hinila na naman ako sa kung saan.

Bumili pala ito ng straw hat kaya ito pumasok sa boutique kanina. Hindi pa rin ito
nagbabago. He just do whatever he wanted and he keeps on surprising me. Kaya hindi
ko mapigilang matuwa. I loved that about him.

I've been in my guard the moment we came here. But that time, I knew I wavered.
Kasi pinagdarasal ko palagi na sana bumalik sakin si Alex, kahit na galit ito
sakin. And that prayer was abswered... it felt like he was the same man I fell in
love with. That made me happy. Very very happy.

Sa buong oras na magkasama kami, hindi ako inalis ni Alex sa tabi nito. Even in a
crowded place, I could feel him near me. Kapag gipitan na talaga, bigla na lang
niya akong hinihila palapit sa tabi nito and he would tuck me beside him until it
was safe. Sa mga oras na iyon, gusto kong umiyak at matuwa. I missed him so much.
The warm feeling I felt then held precious memories I thought I could no longer
experience again. But I did.

He was giving me that chance to relive those forgotten memories again.

The first time I met him, I had the impression na seryoso ito sa buhay at hindi
basta-basta nakikipag-usap sa kung sinu-sino lang. He had that mysterious aura―like
an avenging dark fallen angel. With his chisel-like jaw, sharp and penetrating
eyes, hard mouth, and tall, lean-muscled body, one couldn't miss him. And that
features also set him apart from others.

Let's face it, we judge people based on his looks and appearance, just how we judge
a book by its cover. It's a part of human nature.

Pero magugulat ka na lang kapag nakita mong maganda ang nilalaman ng libro.

It was the same with him. Ang akala ko wala itong alam na ka-sweet-an sa katawan.
Kasi nga napaka-stiff nito. Laging tahimik. Madalas, iisa o dadalawag salita lang
ang sinasabi nito sa tuwing tinatanong o kinakausap ko ito dati.

Pero habang tumatagal na nakikita ko si Alex at nakakasama, I have seen how he

could be so protective of those people he loved. At naramdaman ko iyon. Nakita ko
kung gaano ito magmahal at kung paano nito ipakita ang sweet side nito. Hindi ito
iyong tipong naghihintay ng tamang oras, o iyong nag-iisip ng ilang araw bago gawin
ang isang bagay. He does everything spontaneously. He liked surprises and maybe
that was why I fell deeply in love with him.

Katulad na lang nong mag-propose ito. It was the most unexpected proposal I
could've ever received.

A year after we met, I decided to accept his feelings. Matagal na ring nanligaw si
Alex sakin. I was waiting for my father's approval. At gusto ko ring makasiguro sa
nararamdaman niya sakin. I had several suitors then and I realized it was not hard
to find someone who tells you they love you, it's hard to find someone who actually
means it. And I knew Alex meant it.

We became friends at first, to get to know him better. At marami akong nalaman
tungkol sa kanya. Good and bad. But then, you don't love a person just because he's
perfect. You love him in spite of the fact that he's not. And I loved him even
more. Kasi hindi niya sakin nilihim ang totoong siya. He was brave enough to expose
himself and be vulnerable to me. At alam ko kung gaano iyon kahirap sa isang taong
nagmamahal.
Two years of being together was a pure bliss. I had everything all I needed and
wanted at the same time. Wala na akong mahihiling pa. Everything was perfect. Like
a fairytale with a happy ending. I felt like a princess who lived happily ever
after.

Then that accident happened―the death of my parents.

The turning point of my life.

Ang bilis ng mga pangyayari. I was caught in a whirlwind of chaos and I couldn't
seem to escape. Kasbay ng pagkawala nina mommy at daddy, nagsulputan ang mga taong
oportunistang gustong sirain ang mga magulang ko. They all pointed their fingers at
my father's coffin telling lies. Inakusahan ng mga ito si daddy ng mga bagay na
hindi nito ginawa, and they all knew that.

Masakit ang nangyari. Nabigla ako. Naiwan. At pakiramdam ko, mag-isa na lang ako. I
was in shock for days. Hindi ko alam ang gagawin ko, alin ang uunahin ko. Hindi man
lang hinintay ng mga taong iyon na ilibing ang mga magulang ko. They filed a
lawsuit against the company. Hindi man lang nila ako hinayaang magluksa muna.

Sa araw ng burol, dumating ang malalapit na kaibigan ni Ma at ni Dad. Nakiramay

sila. Those were the people who genuinely believed at my father. Sila iyong mga
taong pinagkatiwalaan ni dad. At kahit papaano ay nagkaroon ng katuturan ang araw
na iyon dahil hindi nila tinalikuran ang tiwalang binigay sa kanila ng daddy ko.
They came to bury their friend and to stand with me.

And then there was Alex.

He stood with me through that darkness I've been shoved in. at hindi niya ako
iniwan kahit na haloos kinulong ko na ang sarili ko. Hindi siya bumitaw sakin dahil
alam niyang kailangan ko siya sa mga oras na iyon, kait na tinataboy ko siya.

That day, people started to leave... until there was just the two of us left. He
kneeled I front of me... in front of my parents' grave... naaalala ko pa ang gulat
ko nong nilabas na niya ng maliit na kahon na iyon. He opened the velvet box
and―with his heart in his eyes, he asked me to marry him.

But I said no.

I knew he felt obliged and responsible for me, especially now that my parents were
gone. Yes, he loved me that he was marrying me because he sensed it was the right
thing to do. Pero hindi iyon ang naisip ko.

My world was in chaos. Nd he proposed to me. Pumasok sa isip ko na dala lang ng mga
nangyayari kaya iyon nasabi ni Alex. He was just being Alex. The spontaneous man.
And marriage to me was a sacred union. Panghabang-buhay iyon. What if in the middle
of our marriage, he realized he made a mistake doing that decision? He would blame
me... or himself.

No, I couldn't marry him. I wouldn't marry him because of his pity, or for any
reason, even my father told him to.

If there was one thing that I learned from my parents, it's about the sanctity of
marriage. And Alex's reason for marrying me was not the basis of marriage. It was
love and respect. And I wanted him to respect my decision.

He did. Pero nagalit pa rin siya sakin. Hindi siya nagpakita sakin ng ilang araw.
Naintindihan ko siya kung bakit niya ginawa iyon. Hindi nga naman kasi dapat
ikatuwa iyong sagot ko. Pero buo na ang pasya ko. I had problems in my hands that
needed immedaite solution at hindi ko hahayaang pati si Alex ay mahirapan nang
dahil lang sakin.

Hinintay ko siyang bumalik. Araw-araw. Kahit na minsan, naiisip ko iyong ginawa ko,
umaasa pa rin akong magpapakita sakin si Alex. Hanggang sa lumipas ang limang buwan
simula nong libing ng mga magulang ko, hindi ko pa rin siya nakikita.

Perhaps he no longer love me. Perhaps I have hurt him so much.

Nalungkot ako at nasaktan non. Pero alam kong tama ang desisyon ko. I don't want
the time to come that we only stayed married just so we couldn't hurt each other.
Ang pinagsisihan ko lang ay hindi ko nasabi sa knya ang rason kung bakit hindi ako
pumayag sa proposal niya.

Isang araw, limang buwan nang nakakaraan, kumatok sa pintuan ng bahay si Atty.
Honasan, ang attorney ni daddy para ibalita sakin ang isang magandang balita.
Maayos na raw ang kaso ng daddy. I was so glad na hindi ko napansing masyaong
mabilis iyong pagkakalutas nong gusot sa companya ni dad.

One month passed. It was my birthday. Aaminin kong naging malungkot iyong nagdaang
isang buwan dahil sa simpleng rason―wala si Alex sa tabi ko. At dahil kaarawan ko,
mas nalungkot pa ako dahil wala ang mga taong gusto kong makasama sa araw na iyon.

Kaya naisipan kong bisitahin ang puntod ng mga magulang ko. That was the day my
mother had a hard time―she delivered me, enduring those labor pain. Kaya gusto kong
siya na lang ang pag-alayan ko ng buong araw ko, kahit na nasa ibang lugar na siya.

That's where I saw him, holding a birthday cake.

He was celebrating my birthday together with my parents. Umiyak ako nong araw na
iyon. Kasi sinorprisa na naman niya ako.

"I already asked for their permission, that I want to marry their daughter, in case
I get rejected again. That time, I know I must've surprised you by proposing that
day. Pero wala akong alam na ibang paraan para ipaalam sayo na hindi ka nag-iisa,
Faith. You have me, and you still have me, kahit na nasaktan ako sa ginawa mo. I
will never leave your side. I wanted to see you smiling again. I wanted to see you
happy. That's why I wanted you to marry me then. You make me happy in every way
possible, and I wanted to keep you with me. I love you. Alam mo iyon, diba? I love
you, always, and it was killing me seeing you like that... broken. You mean
everything to me, Faith. It would break me to lose you. That's why I had to try
again. I want to spend everyday of my life with you, to wake up every morning
beside you. I want you to share your breakfast, lunch and dinner with me, your
soffee, your house, your entire life with me as my wife... so Lady Faith Erwin...
what do you say? Will you make me the happiest man and spend your life with me?" he
said.

After three months of engagement, we got married.

* * * * *

Everyone started to get refreshment, noon ko lang narealize na natapos na pala ang
laro. Umalis din si Monica nang makita nitong palapit samin si Alex. She even
winked at me before leaving.

Naupo si Alex sa tabi ko. Tiningnan niya iyong juice ko na nakalimutan ko ng

inumin.

"Iinumin mo ba iyan?" tanong niya.

Umiling ako. Parang nalunok ko na yata iyong dila ko, kasi ang lapit-lapit ni Alex
sakin. Hindi pa naman siya desente sa harap ko. He was half-naked and he was
practically displaying his muscled chest, six-pack abs, and taut hips. They were so
familiar to me...

Ipinupunas na niya ang hinubad niyang damit sa pawis niya sa mukha, sa leeg, at sa
katawan. Hindi ko napansing sinusundan ko na pala ng tingin ang ginagawa niya
hanggang sa nagsalita ulit siya.

"Can I have it?"

I felt the heat as it spread out to my face. Napansin ba niya?

Tumango na lang ako at kinuha na kaagad niya iyong baso ko bago ko paiyon maiabot
sa kanya. Tinanggal niya iyong straw na para bang sagabal lang iyon at itinapon
iyon sa kung saan at tinungga kaagad ang lahat ng laman ng baso.

Pati ako napapalunok habang pinapanood kong gumalaw iyong lalamunan niya sa
paginom. I must really looked like an idiot ogling him. Pero kasi, hindi ko
magawang lubayan siya ng tingin. I liked looking at him.
Siguro dala lang ito nong kahapon... at ng pag-iisip ko ng kung anu-ano.

I knew something has changed. Hindi ko alam kung paano o kelan nangyari, pero alam
kung nagiging malapit na ulit sakin si Alex. He was changing... kahit hindi
gaano... it was enough that he was acknowledging my presence. Then maybe, I could
tell him...

Out of nowhere, Alex grabbed my arm.

"What are you―" words stopped when I saw where his hand laid.

His eyes cooled as they flickered down. They narrowed. I felt a snake of something
bad. He looked up at me, with curiosity. Then he bent down, coming closer, and I
cowered back, taking my arms back. Pero mabilis niya kong napigilan.

With a leaden sinking feeling, I knew exactly what he was looking at―what he'd
missed all these time.

I closed my eyes.

It was the scar, about three inches wide, across my wrist.

"What's this?"

I opened my eyes and saw his hand come out to touch it. I jerked my arm free,
slapping his hand away. Nagulat siya sa ginawa ko.

"W-wala 'to... it's just a scar from..." my mind worked feverishly. "...f-from a
loose wire."          

For a moment, it seemed as if he was going to question me, but then, he shrugged.
And that was like a slap in the face.

He still didn't care.

Tumayo siya. "I'll swim for a bit. You go ahead without me."

I felt something inside me sank down as I realized hat I was letting him turn into
ice again, just because I couldn't tell him yet... the secret I kept and the guilt
that would forever damn me.

* * * * *
Sa dinner, hindi lang ako ang nakapuna sa biglaang pagbabago ni Alex.

"What happened to your husband?" nagtatakang tanong ni Monica sa tabi ko, na dati
ay si Alex ang nakaupo. "Kaninang hapon lang, halos hindi mapuknat ang ngiti sa
mukha niya. Look at him now, tianatakot kahit sinong nakatingin sa kanya."

Hinila ko ang sleeve ng polo ko para takpan ang pilat na iyon, kahit na nakatago na
iyon. Someone could tell where that scar was from. And Alex might thought of that
possibility. Pero sa naging reaksyon niya... I couldn't tell if he suspected
anything. He was uncaring.

Gusto kong sabihin sa kanya ang totoo kanina, bago kumain. Kaya lang hindi ko na
siya nakita. Kung iyon lang ang paraan para bumalik kami sa kahapon... then I would
tell him everything. I don't care if he won't believe me. I just wanted to tell
him.

Kaya pagkatapos ng dinner, I took the first opportunity to talk to him alone.

Pagdating namin sa suit, I whirled around and faced him. "Xander, can we talk?"  

Hindi niya ako pinansin at nagtuloy-tuloy siya sa kuwarto. He was ignoring me but I
couldn't let him. Sinundan ko siya.

I must tell him. "Xander―"

He looked over his shoulder, his voice sounded harsh. "Drop it, Faith. I don't want
to hear it." Tatalikod na siya papasok sa CR. Pinigilan ko pa rin siya. I grabbed
him by his arm.

I felt him stiffen. Then I remembered something, the same thing... when he pushed
me away when I tried to touch him. And he said he was disgusted with me.

"Let go." He gritted.

Galit siya. And his ears were closed.

Hindi siya makikinig. Kung pipilitin ko lang siya... mas lalong hindi siya
maniniwala. Ayaw niyang maniwala.

With a sinking heart, I let go and watched him walk away.   

━━━━━━  « ღ » ━━━━━━ 
=================

Chapter ⓳ | Anonymous Wife

Chapter ⓳ | Anonymous Wife

Huminga ako ng malalim bago ko sinuot ang huling piraso ng suot ko ngayong gabi.
Ngayon ang gabi ng celebration party nina Alex.

It was a simple emerald necklace. Ito lang ang dala ko. I sold almost all my
jewelries. Pati iyong kay mommy. I knew she would want me to. Pero ito lang ang
tinira ko and a few na hindi mamahalin. It was a gift from Alex, bigay niya sakin
nong second year anniversary namin bilang mag-boyfriend-girlfriend. It was my
birthstone. Kaya espesyal sakin ito.

At iyon ang huling binigyan niya ako ng mamahaling bagay, tulad ng mga alahas.
Lumaki ako sa marangyang pamilya. I could afford jewelries, diamonds, and all. But
they don't matter to me. I knew what was more valuable to me then―time. Not money.
And never wealth.

Isa pa, nagsisimula pa non si Alex. Kaya ayokong gastosin niya ang naiipon niya
para lang bilhan ako ng mga mamahaling bagay. I was never a materialistic woman. I
just wanted simple things from him... like letters, flowers... simple yet
meaningful.

Napabuntong-hininga ako. Napapadalas na kasi ang pag-iisip ko sa nakaraan. Even the

dress I wore drifted me back to those years.

It's a black jersey dress that fell over my knees. This was the dress I wore at the
gala night when I first met Alex. Dati rati, lagpas tuhod ko pa 'to at sakto sa
hubog ng katawan ko. Ngayon, kailangan ko pang lagyan ng safety pins ang ibang
parte ng damit para magmukhang damit at hindi sako. Tonight was an important night
for Alex and his colleagues. And I couldn't afford to look like a poor wife. I
couldn't miss anything. Ayokong mapahiya si Alex ulit.  

Bago natulog si Alex kagabi, he told me to prepare for this night. It seemed they
got the deal they've been courting since this trip. Iyon lang at tumalikod na ito,
pinatay ang lamp shade sa tabi nito para matulog. He was deliberately trying to
give me no chance to talk to him.

I gasped when I saw a shadow behind me.

"It's just me." And then Alex came out in the light. Patay kasi ang mga ilaw since
palabas na rin ako. Maliwanag pa naman ang sinag ng buwan sa labas.
Tumalikod ako para harapin siya. "Ginulat mo ako. Kanina ka pa ba dumating?" tanong
ko habang nilalaro ng mga daliri ko iyong kuwentas sa leeg ko ng hindi ko
namamalayan.

At napansin iyon ni Alex. Lalo pang nag-isang linya ang kilay niya nang mapansin
ang suot ko.

Alam kong iisa lang ang tumatakbo sa utak namin ngayon, kung saan kami dinadala ng
alaalang dala ng damit ko at ng kuwentas ko. Pero mukhang magkaiba ang dumaang
damdamin samin dahil sa mga alaalang iyon.

Fact was, he didn't like the sight either of them.

"No, I just came in." nagtuloy-tuloy na siya sa walk-in closet.

Gusto ko siyang tanungin kung saan siya nanggaling, kaya lang hindi ko magawa.
There was the barrier again that was limiting me.

Paggising ko sa umaga, akala ko umali siya. Pero nasa labas lang pala siya ng
kuwarto, nagkakape habang nagbabasa ng dyaryo. Hindi niya gustong sa labas kumain
kaya tumawag siya ng room service. Akala ko pa man din sabay kaming kakain, pero
pagkatapos kong maligo, tapos na rin siyang kumain. Pagkatapos niyang maligo at
magbihis, nagpaalam na siya. He was wearing a casual outfit. Baka nga may
kakausapin siyang kakilala, naisip ko. Pero lumipas ang tanghalian at hindi pa rin
bumabalik si Alex.

I thought I could tell him now, pero mukhang hindi ko na masasabi pa sakanya.

This was what greed could do―destruction.

Hindi na dapat ako umasam ng imposible. Kahit na mukhang nagbago si Alex sa

nakaraang araw, sa kaunting panahon na iyon, kahit pa sa pakiramdam ko lang, naging
masaya ako. Pero nandoon pa rin ang galit ni Alex sakin. At hindi iyon basta-basta
na lang mabubura ng isang linggong business trip lang.

Pagkatapos kong isuot ang sapatos ko, lumabas na rin ng kuwarto si Alex.

He looked resplendent and distractingly handsome with his tuxedo and brushed up
hair. It was the first time I saw him wear a tux. Noon kasi, hindi pa niya kayang
bumili. But seeing him now, it only made me realize how far he had come. And how
far the distance between us.

He was so close yet I couldn't reach him.

"All done?" tanong niya habang inaayos niya ang necktie sa leeg niya.
Tumango lang ako, kasi mas abala ako sa panonood sa ginagawa niyang pag-aayos ng
necktie niya. He was doing it perfectly without even looking.

Siguro kinabisa na niya iyon dahil wala ng asawa ang gagawa non sa kaniya.

Hindi na siya tumingin sa salamin para tingnan ang hitsura niya. Sinuot niya ang
coat na dala-dala niya habang naglalakad siya papunta sa pintuan.    

* * * * *  

The air was filled with elegance as I stepped inside the crowded hall. Naglipana
ang mga magagandang damit, makikintab na alahas, at mga naguguwapuhang kalalakihang
nakasuot ng formal suit. The room was practically filled with gorgeous women with
handsome men beside their arms.

Pero natuon pa rin sakin ang mga mata ng karamihan―o mas tamang sabihing sa katabi
ko.

They looked at me with envy, some with dirty looks―all because I had the most
gorgeous man in that room standing beside me.

But little do they know that I had the most unfeeling husband in that room.

I was just glad when Monica came running towards us.

"Faith! You look so lovely tonight." Sabi niya pagkatapos niya akong batiin ng
halik sa pisngi.

Hindi pa ito nasiyahan ay inikot-ikot niya pa ako. Hindi ko tuloy napigilang

matawa. Pero agad din iyong namatay nong makita ko iyong iritadong histura ni Alex.

"Come on now, Paul. Don't get too jealous. Your wife is a total knock-out, kaya
masanay ka na kung may lalaki rito na mabibighani sa ganda niya." Sabi ni Monica at
sinabayan pa nito iyon ng siko kay Alex.

Mukhang napansin din nito ang hitsura ni Alex pero sa maling rason naman anfg akala
nito. Alex was not jealous. Masama lang talaga ang mood niya dahil sakin.

"You should be proud you have the most beautiful girl here tonight, beside me, of
course." Pagpapatuloy pa nito. "Egoistical lang ang mga lalaking seloso."

Napatikhim ako sa sinabi nito. "Thank you. But you look more gorgeous tonight.
Sayang wala kang sinamang date." Sabi ko bago pa makapag-komento si Alex sa mga
sinabi ni Monica.
She rolled her eyes upward. "No thanks. I'd rather enjoy being alone than argue
with some male species all night. Panira lang sila sa gabi ko."

Mabuti na lang at dininig ang panalangin kong iwanan kami ni Alex. He excused
himself and gave Monica a friendly peck at her cheek before leaving me with her.

"You're very lucky I'm here to baby sit your wife." Sabi pa ni Monica bago ito
makaalis.

Siguro, iniisip ni Monica na panatag ang loob ni Alex dahil may kasama ako buong
gabi at nasa mabuti akong kamay. Masarap isipin at paniwalaan iyon.

Nevertheless, reality was reality.

Even if I had to lie to some people, I couldn't lie to my self. Katulad ngayon...
hahayaan kong iyon ang paniwalaan ni Monica, kahit na ang totoo, panatag lang ang
loob ni Alex dahil nakalayo na siya sakin. Hindi na niya kailangan pang samahan ako
buong gabi.

"Hey, why's the long face?"

Napalingon ako kay Monica. Hindi ko napansing na kay Alex pa din pala ako
nakatingin.

"Miss mo na kaagad ang asawa mo?" pinanlakihan niya ako ng mata. "Naku, kayong
dalawa talaga. Hindi niyo lang nakikita nag isa't isa, nagiging timang na kayo.
Kaya nga ayokong ma-inlove eh. Ang pangit kayang maging timang." Napangiti ako sa
sinabi niya. "Hindi yan puwede. Us girls are more powerful than men. At ipapakita
mo iyon kay Paul. Hindi ikaw ang maghahanap sa kanya, kundi siya."

"Huh?" napamaang ako sa kanya.

"Let's go." Hinila niya ako bigla.

"Monica, san tayo pupunta?" naguuluhang tanong ko habang sinusundan ko siya.

"I'll introduce you to some people." She said as she smiled slyly.

* * * * *

Umikot kami ng umikot ni Monica sa bulwagan. We circulated the whole room, every
corner, while she introduced me to all the people there was.
Iba-iba rin ang naging reception sakin ng mga tao. I had different response from
men and women.

With men, they seemed pleased, surprised to know that Alex was married, or curious
about me in a good way.

Women, on the other hand, had one thing in mind when they met me―Alex. Even when
they're standing under their companions' nose, nagtatanong pa din sila tungkol sa
pribadong buhay ni Alex. Who does that?

I wished Emma and Drew were here.

It was not that I wasn't enjoying Monica's company. It was just Emma and Drew knew
what happened between me and Alex. They'd be sensitive about us. And Monica didn't
know what I did. In fact, she believed Alex and I were match made from heaven. Kaya
mahirap magpanggap na isa kaming perepktong mag-asawa ni Alex. Lalo na ngayon...

Nakita kong lumapit si Monica sa isang grupo ng mga kalalakihan. Sinundan ko siya
kasi wala naman akong ginawa buong gabi kundi ang sundan siya.

"Why so serious, gentlemen?" singit niya sa mga ito, at mukhang nakuha niya ang
pansin ng mga ito. Lahat sila lumingon kay Monica, pati na rin sakin.

At doon ko lang nakita na kasama pala si Alex sa mga kalalakihang iyon.

Parang sumirko-sirko ang puso ko sa loob. Ganito na lang yata ang mangyayari sakin
sa tuwing nakikita ko si Alex. kahit na alam kong galit siya sakin, kahit na
iniiwasan niya ako buong araw at pati na rin ngayong gabi, he still makes my heart
skip a beat. I still love him even he's showing me his worst.

Funny. Here, Monica was so eager to prove that women held more power over men kaya
buong gabi kaming nag-ikot, expecting my husband to look for me, not me. But look
at us now. Ako pa yata ang nakahanap sa kanya habang ang asawa ko naman abala sa
pakikipag-conference sa mga katrabaho niya.

They all broke into a smile when they saw us, except Alex. It was as though a veil
fell covering his thoughts and his eyes turned icy. Napayuko ako. Mali yata na
nandito ako.

"It's party time, guys. Business problem will be dealt with after tonight. No more
talk of it. Dahil kapag ako, sinimulan ninyo, baka pagsisihan niyong kinausap niyo
ako." Mataray na banta ni Monica sa kanila. Pero imbis na maasar ang mga ito, they
just laughed habang napapakamot ang iba sa ulo. Alam kong sinusunod nila si Monica.
Kaya wala ng nagsalita ng tungkol sa trabaho. Inasar na lang nila ang lady boss
nila.
Regardless of the fact that she's a female―a beautiful female at that, Monica
earned respect and admiration from her employees and colleagues. Naikuwento niya
minsan sakin na marami ang nagduda sa kakayahan niya noong nagsisimula pa lang siya
dahil sa pisikal niyang anyo. They said beauty and brain don't match well. Lalo na
at sa field pa ng puro kalalakihan ang gusto niyang pasuking trabaho. Sadyang may
pagka-chauvinistic lang siguro ang mga nahanap niyang tao kaya iyon ang mga
pinagsasasabi nila sa kanya. But she never stopped trying. Sinubukan pa rin niyang
abutin ang mga pangarap niya. And who would knew that a woman, at the age of twenty
eight, with a beauty like hers was ranked fourth as one of the most successful
engineer in the country. Kahit si Alex ay napahanga niya. That was why he agreed to
be her business partner dahil tiwala si Alex sa kanya.

Nagkakatawanan na pala sila habang ako nalulunod sa ibang mundo. They were all
laughing out loud, puwera kay Alex. One would think he was not having fun if not
for the slight tug at the corner of his lips.

I wondered if he would laugh like the rest if I wasn't here.

"I can see you were having a great time circumnavigating the room. May balak ka
yatang ipagsigawan sa boung tao rito na may asawa na tong partner mo." Natatawang
sabi ni Carl.

"Baka lang gusto niyang pag-selosin ang mga babaeng nangangarap matiklop 'tong si
Xander." Dugtong naman ni Tristan.

Iniwasan kong mapatingin kay Alex. Kahit na nagkakasiyahan ngayong ang mga kaibigan
niya, ramdam ko pa rin ang pagka-ilang niya sa mga ganitong usapan.

"Ano, lady boss? Umubra naman kaya ang strategy mo?" nang-aasar na tanong ni Ricky
kay Monica.

Hindi kaagad sumagot si Monica kaya nilingon ko siya. Nakatitig lang siya sa
likuran ni Ben na nakatayo sa tabi ko. Pagtingin ko, sinalubong ng isang magandang
babaeng nakasuot ng pulang-pulang damit ang mata ko.

Savannah, stunning as always, strode in smiling at us, with a man beside her. At
nagtuloy-tuloy ito sa paglakad hanggang sa makalapit ito kay Alex. She wrapped her
arms around his neck as she kissed him in both cheeks―lingeringly, na para bang
wala ako sa harap nila. Iniisip siguro ng ibang nakakakita na isang friendly
greeting gesture lang iyong ginawa nito, but from a wife, female intuition told me
there was something more than what meets the eye.

Narinig kong bumulong si Monica. "And here I thought I could enjoy the rest of the
night."

"Hindi niyo man lang ako sinabihan. Buti pa tong si Xander, naalala pa ako."
nagtatampong sabi ni Savannah sa kanila nang humarap ito, pero nanatiling nakakuwit
ang braso nito sa braso ni Alex.
"Wala na yatang tinagong sekreto si Xander pagdating sayo." Nailing na sabi ni
Joshua saka ngumiti lang ng matamis si Savannah.

Tumalikod si Ben. "San ka pupunta?" Tanong ni Tristan nang mapansin ito.

"Ikukuha ko lang siya ng maiinom." Tinango ni Ben ang direksyon ni Savannah.

"Oh, no. I'll jest get one. May pag-uusapan din naman kami ni Xander." She tugged
Alex's arm. "Let's go?"

"If it's about business, you can tell them." Sabi ni Alex, ni hindi man lang nito
inaalis ang kamay ni Savannah sa braso nito.

"I said no already. Kaya sige na. Samahan mo na ako." Did she just pout? At my
husband? Naikuyom ko nalang ang kamay ko sa tindi ng selos ko ngayon.

"Sav, huwag mo ng kulitin si Xander." Saway nong lalaking nakatayo sa tabi ni Ben.
Siya iyong kasama ni Savannah kanina nong dumating ito. Tumingin siya sakin bigla
tapos ngumiti siya. "Ako na ang humihingi ng pasensya sa kapatid ko Mrs. Smith.
Para na kasing magkapatid iyang dalawang iyan."

Magkapatid? Sinong niloko nila?

"I'm Ryan. Ryan Lewis, kuya ng dalawang iyan." Pagpapakilala niya saka naglahad ng
kamay.

Ngumiti ako saka kinamayan siya. "Faith." Maikling pagpapakilala ko lang. "It's
nice meeting you."

"The pleasure's mine." Ngumiti siya ng malapad. Katulad ni Savannah, may hitsura
din ang kuya nito. "It's a pity Xander saw you first. He's a lucky bastard." Saad
pa niya.

Hmm... at may pagkabolero pa.

"Last time I checked, iisa lang ang kuya ko." Singit ni Alex, eyeing Ryan's hand.
Siguro iba na naman ang iniisip ng makitid niyang utak. Mabuti na lang at
pinakawalan na ni Ryan ang kamay ko.

"What? Nagseselos ka na ba nyan, Xander?" tukso ni Carl kay Alex, at nakitukso na

rin iyong iba.

"Hindi ko alam na may pagka-seloso ka din pala sa katawan, brad. Mabuti iyan. Uso
ngayon ang selosan." Tinapik-tapik pa ni Tristan si Alex sa balikat, na lalong
ikinadilim ng mukha nito.       

"Eh kung ako nga rin naman ang may magandang asawa katulad ni Faith, baka pati
hayop pagselosan ko." Kaswal na deklara ni Joshua, sabay kindat sakin.

Natawa naman ako sa sinabi niya. Kahit papano, nawawala iyong kirot sa dibdib ko
habang nag-tutuksuhan sila. Hindi ko kasi nakita ang ganitong pagkakataon noon, ang
makitang ginagawang tampulan ng tukso si Alex. Lagi na lang kasing kaming dalawa
ang magkasama. Hindi niya ako hinahayaang makilala iyong mga kaibigan niya kasi daw
baka mapikot pa ako ng iba. Ganyan si Alex dati, sobrang possessive niyan. Isang
tingin lang sakin ng isang lalaki, hayun, naka-akbay na. O kaya, kapag may
nagtanong lang o kumausap sakin, kahit walang malisya iyon, para ng gustong ibaon
ni Alex ang mga iyon sa hukay.

Napansin kong hindi na nagsasalita si Monica sa tabi ko. Nilingon ko siya. Kay Alex
siya nakatingin habang naka-kunot ang noo... pagkatapos ay nagtatakang tumingin
siya sakin. Hindi sa mukha―kundi sa kamay ko.

And I was too late. She was already lifting my ringless, gloved hand.

"Where's your ring?" nagtatakang tanong niya sakin.

Everyone hushed. At naramdaman kong tumingin sila sakin, at sa kamay kong hawak ni
Monica.

Hindi ako makapagsalita. It was a sensitive topic. At alam kong ganon din iyon kay
Alex. Kaya nga hindi sila ang inintindi ko nong mapansin ni Monica ang nawawalang
singsing ko. Si Alex ang unang pumasok sa isip ko. Si Alex ang unang inalala ko.
Kasi alam kong siya lang ang nakakaalam kung nasaan ang mga singsing na iniwan ko
noong umalis ako.

Those rings reminded us of reality, the past, and my sin.

Naghihintay na rin ng sagot ang iba. At lalong lumalalim ang kunot ng noo ni Monica
sa bawat segundong lumilipas na wala pa ring lumalabas na salita sa bibig ko. 

Ano bang puwede kong sabihin? Should I lie? Monica might not believe me.
Napakatalas kasi ng pakiramdam niya. But I couldn't tell them the truth either.
I'll just say na naiwan ko... o kahit na anong dahilan. Mapahiya pa si Alex e. But
then there was Savannah.

"Ang totoo niyan―"

"I got them resized last week. Kaya di niya suot." Mabilis na salo ni Alex. Lahat
kami napatingin sa kanya. At ang nakakagulat pa, mukhang pinaniwalaan kaagad siya
ng mga kaibigan niya, pati si Monica. He could've fool me too, but I knew better
than to believe him. Sinabi lang niya iyon para isalba ang sarili niya, kung hindi
man ako. At pati si Savannah alam iyon.

"Resized? Bakit naman kailangang i-resize iyon?" nagtataka namang tanong ni Joshua.

"Faith lost weight for the past three years." Sagot ni Alex habang nakatingin sa
sahig.

Gusto kong tingnan siya sa mata. Bakit niya ba sinabi iyon? I knew those rings
would throw us back to that night, three years ago. Pero bakit kailangan pa niyang
isa-tinig iyon? Didn't he know he was putting me into a tight spot?      

Perhaps he knew. Hindi naman gawain ni Alex ang maging bobo. Gusto lang siguro niya
akong pahirapan. 

I shifted uncomfortably. Kung puwede lang na sabihin ko sa kanilang lahat...

"Hindi mo naman yata pinapakain ng tama tong asawa mo, brad. Kaya pumayat."
Natatawang biro ni Tristan.

"And yours?" balik na tanong ni Monica kay Alex.

Oh crap. Sana sinabi ko nalang ang totoo.

"Mine?" Kunot noong tanong ni Alex. at ganon na lang ang gulat ko nong makita ko
iyong wedding ring sa daliri nito.

Was he wearing that ring the whole time? Bakit hindi ko man lang napuna iyon?

Ang akala ko pa man din tapos na kaming gisahin ng mga kasama ni Alex. bago pa man
ako makahinga ng maluwag, binuntutan pa ni Tristan ang ginawang impromptu
inspection ni Monica.

"May gusto lang akong malaman, Curious lang kasi ako." sabi ni Joshua habang
nagpalipat-lipat siya ng tingin sakin at kay Alex.

Parang tambol na iyong tibok ng puso ko. Kinakabahan na ako kahit na hindi pa
nasasabi ni Joshua ang tanong niya.

Hindi na hinintay ni Joshua ang sagot namin. "You've been married for what? Four
years? Do you think it's high time na bumuo na kayo ng pamilya? I mean, I know
Xander love kids, right?"

Dumagundong ang takot sa puso ko na parang sasabog na iyon sa sobrang emosyong

nararamdaman ko.
Oh God!

They don't even have any idea what that question was costing me right now. I wished
the ground would open up right now and swallow me whole. Hindi ko na kayang tumayo
rito. All I wanted was to run and hide. Pati si Alex hindi ko magawang tingnan.

A child.

Yes, we hoped there was a child. Pero hindi lahat ng gusto ng tao, nakukuha niya.

Nararamdamn ko na ang namumuong luha sa mata ko, bile started to rise up in my

throat.

"Look out!" biglang sigaw ni Ben.

Pero huli na nong makita ko iyong dumaang waiter, natumba ito at nalaglag ang laman
nung tray na hawak-hawak nito sa damit ko.

Rinig na rinig ko ang pagsinghap ng ilang sa mga taong nakasaksi sa nangyari.

"Faith, are you okay? Namumutla ka." Narinig kong tanong Monica. But I was too
numbed to say anything, too numbed to even care for my ruined dress, and still too
numbed to move.

Naramdaman ko na lang na may humawak sa braso ko at hinihila na ako palayo.    

Pero narinig ko pang sumigaw si Savannah bago ako tuluyang nakalayo. "Xander!"

Medyo kumakalma na ang pakiramdam ko nong makita kong malapit na ako sa banyo.
Papasok na sana ako, kaya lang, may pumigil sakin. Sa sobrang kaba at takot ko
kanina, hindi ko na napansing hawak-hawak parin pala ni Alex ang braso ko.

He whirled me around. His face was taut. Pero wala akong makitang galit don. He
looked worried than angry. Ginulat niya pa ako nong sinakop ng mga kamay niya ang
mukha ko. It's as if he was carefully checking my face... looking for something.

"Xander." Mahinang tawag ko.

"Are you okay?" mababa ang tono niya pero nasa boses niya ang pag-aalala. "You're
so pale. Hindi ka ba nahihilo?" sinapo niya ang noo ko.

Umiling ako, tapos tinanggal ko iyong kamay niya sa mukha ko. Parang nilolokmos na
naman ang puso ko habang naiisip ko iyong nangyari noon, tatlong taon na ang
nakakaraan. Kailangan ko ng umalis bago pa makita ni Alex ang pagbagsak ng mga luha
ko.

"I'm okay" Pumiyok pa ako boses ko dahil sa nakaambang luha. Tumikhim ako at
sinubukan ko ulit na magsalita. "I'm okay, Xander." I said a little stronger this
time. "Papasok na ako sa loob." Tumalikod na ako at pumasok sa loob.

"I'll wait for you here." Pahabol niya.

* * * * *

It was helpless. Kahit na ulit ko pang punasan ng tubig iyong dami sa damit ko,
hindi na iyon matatanggal. Lalo pang nasisira iyong damit sa ginagawa ko.

Ilang oras na ba ako rito sa loob ng banyo?

Hindi ko alam. Hindi ko rin alam kung anong nangyari sa labas kanina.
Nagkakasiyahan kami at nagtutuksuhan pa sila non tapos bigla na lang akong
nagkaganon. Fear ate me out.

Bakit ba ako takot na takot? Nakalipas na iyon. It was all in the past, pero sa
tuwing bumabalik ang mga nangyari noon... nagsisimula akong kabahan. Matakot.
Parang isa iyong halimaw sa nakaraan ko na patuloy akong hinahabol.

Tinitigan ko iyong hitsura ko sa salamin. Siguro kailangan ko ng bumalik sa suit

namin. Sa ganitong hitsura, baka ipatapon pa ako ng mga security sa labas.

Huminga ako ng malalim saka lumabas ng banyo.

And my heart fluttered when I saw Alex standing outside. Nakasanadal siya sa pader
at hubad na niya ang tuxedo niya. Iniwan niya iyong nakasabit sa braso niya. Pati
necktie niya tanggal na rin. Iyong buhok din niya, parang ilang ulit na niyang
ginulo. Mas lalo lang siyang nagmukhang guwapo sa hitsura niya ngayon kesa kanina.
He was ten-times-fold gorgeous from before. Hindi ko tuloy mapigilang tumitig sa
kanya.

Tumayo siya ng tuwid nang makita ako. Sinipat niya ang damit ko habang naglalakad
siya palapit sakin. Nakunot ang noo niya. He opened his mouth to say something when
someone called his name.

"Xander!"

Pareho kaming napalingon kay Savannah na nakatayo sa dulo ng hallway. Hinahanap

siguro nito si Alex mula pa kanina. Hingal na hingal kasi ito. Naglakad na ito
palapit samin, kay Alex.
"Are you leaving already?" tanong nito nang mapagmasdan ang hitsura ni Alex.

"Kailangan kong samahan si Faith." Matipid na sagot ni Alex.

Her eyes flashed into me. "But it's too early. Hinahanap ka na ng iba sa loob. Did
you forget about your appointment with Mr. Carlos? Pupunta siya ngayong gabi dito.
I told you, may kailangan tayong pag-usapan." She said almost frantically.

Honestly, hindi ko maintindihan kung ano ang nangyayari kay Alex. Gusto niya akong
samahan? Bakit? Hindi ba mahalaga sa kanya ang trabaho niya ngayon?

Kahit pa gusto kong samahan ako ng asawa ko, hindi naman makakaya ng konsensya ko
na mawalan siya ng kleyente dahil lang sa gusto ko.

"Tama si Savannah, Xander. Maaga pa. Kailangan ka pa nila dito. You shouldn't let
them wait." Sabi ko kay Alex. He opened his mouth to argue kaya inunhan ko na siya.
"Isa pa, kaya ko namang bumalik sa suit ng mag-isa. I can find my own way. You just
stay here." Hinawakan ko siya sa braso, at umalis na ako, bago ko pa magawa ang
gusto kong gawin―ang hatakin siya palabas.

I just left my husband to that woman.   

Naabutan kong bukas iyong elevator. Sumakay ako don at pinindot ang floor number ng
suit namin. Maya-maya ay tumunog na ito pasara.

Mula sa papasarang pintuan ng elevator, nakita kong lumabas si Alex sa hall habang
lumilinga-linga. Pero huli na. Sumara na iyong pintuan bago pa niya ako makita.

━━━━━━  « ღ » ━━━━━━ 

=================

Chapter ⓴ | Untold Story

Chapter ⓴ | Untold Story

Ito ang huling araw ng business trip ni Alex. Bukas, aalis na kami at uuwi. Babalik
na ulit kami sa dati. Hindi ko na naman siya makikita at makakasama. At least dito,
kahit sa kaunting panahon lang, naramdaman ko iyong saya, at nakasama ko ulit ang
lalaking minahal ko. Kahit na nagtapos iyon dahil sa isang madilim na sekretong
muntik ng malaman ni Alex.
Nagising ako kagabi nong dumating si Alex. Naramdaman ko iyong paglukso ng kama ko.
Alam kong umupo siya sa tabi ko dahil naamoy ko iyong pabango niya. I pretended to
be asleep, hanggang sa umalis na siya at tumuloy sa banyo.

Hindi ko rin maintindihan ang sarili ko. Noong isang araw lang, gustong gusto ko
siyang maka-usap para masabi ko sa kanya lahat ng nangyari, lahat ng gusto niyang
malaman. Ang gusto ko lang non, maging masaya ulit.

Then last night, I felt like I was nearly standing over the edge. With just one
push, everything would end.

Siguro, kapag natutunan ko ng labanan ang takot ko... maybe then I could tell Alex
the truth.

Wala si Alex paggising ko. I don't know where he went. Nagpahatid na siya ng
breakfast dahil pagkain kaagad ang naamoy ko bago pa ako dumilat ng mata, katulad
nong ginawa niya nong unang araw namin dito. Ang kaibahan lang, wala siyang iniwang
sulat ngayon.

Pagkatapos kong mag-almusal, lumabas ako ng hotel. Balak kong mamasyal ngayon,
since ngayon iyong last day namin dito.

The sun was shining bright today. It's like the sun was smiling down on earth.

It would be a good day.

* * * * *

Hindi ko na alam saang sulok ako napdpad. I could see the hotel from afar. Mukhang
malayo na ang narating ko.

Kanina lang excited na excited akong mamasyal. I even thought of asking Alex to
come with me, kung wala itong masyadong ginagawa. But I guess he does.

Nakita ko silang magkasama ni Savannah sa Lounge, iyong bar ng hotel. Kakalabas

lang nila non. Alex was laughing about something Savannah said. Alam ko kapag
masaya si Alex. At isa na don kapag tumatawa siya ng ganoon. He was carefree. 

Tumalikod na ako non at naglakad palayo, bago pa nila ako makita.

At kasabay non ang isang alalahanin. Na kailangan ko na sigurong tanggapin na

habang ako ang kasama ni Alex, hinding hindi na siya tatawa pa ng ganoon kasaya.
Kailangan ko ng tanggapin na kailangan na rin niyang makahanap ng taong magpapasaya
ulit sa kanya.
I stood at the edge of the water and watched how the waves came and rushed back,
taking the imprint of my feet with it. Lumubog pa ng kaunti iyong mga paa ko sa
buhangin.

I wished I could sink all the way, my whole body submerged in the dark bliss where
I wouldn't ever have to think or feel again.

Napailing na lang ako sa sarili kong iniisip. I stepped back out of the oncoming
waves and looked around. Sheer isolation. A huge beach with acres of empty sand.
Bordered by green cliffs on all sides. I looked back out to the sea and breathed in
deeply.

I am free. Really free for the first time in my life.

So why did I feel as though I were still in prison?

It was my heart―my heart was in prison, not me.

And I would just have to learn to live with it. In time... I knew the pain would
fade, become less.

Itong nararamdaman ko ngayon, siguro ganito rin iyong pinagdaanan ni Savannah noon.

The feeling of jealousy while knowing you're fighting a losing battle.

Hindi ko alam na ganito pala kasakit iyon... kasi dati, I was the girl who was the
object of her jealousy. Savannah must've been so hurt then, as I was now.

The time Alex and I met, he already told me about Savannah. They had a sister-
brother relationship. Alex watched her grow up, at siya rin ang tumayong kuya nito
noong wala ang Kuya Ryan nito dahil sa overseas work nito. They had a close
relationship, na parang pamilya na rin ang turing sa kanila ng pamilya nila.

Sa una, siyempre nandon iyong selos. Savannah knew everything about Alex. Pati
noong kabataan niya, alam nito. But because of Alex, I felt at ease. Hindi niya ako
binigyan ng rason para pagselosan o mag-isip ng masama tungkol sa bestfriend niya.
He always put me first. He put boundaries even if I never asked him to because he
didn't want to make me feel uncomfortable. Ganon si Alex.

And I never doubted him.

I was too happy to notice anything then... until that day...

We went out to watch a movie. Masyadong naging busy non si Alex sa trabaho kaya
madalang na kaming lumabas. Habang naghihintay, kumain muna kami samalapit na
restaurant. Nasa banyo siya nong tumunog iyong cellphone niya. Ayoko ngang galawin
iyon nung una kasi ayokong isipin ni Alex na pinapakialaman ko iyong mga gamit
niya. Kaya lang tunog pa rin iyon ng tunog at nagsisimula ng mairita iyong mga
nakaupo sa katabi naming mesa.

I picked it up. Pero nag-aalarm lang pala iyon, hindi tawag. Happy Birthday Sav
iyong nakasulat habang nag-aalarm iyon cellphone ni Alex.

Pagbalik niya, sinabi ko sa kanya iyong nangyari. I said we could celebrate her
birthday instead of watching movie. Kasi nga bestfriend ito ni Alex. And birthdays
are special days.

"I could call her later." Sabi ni Alex non. But I insisted. Baka malungkot si
Savannah at magtampo ito kay Alex. Kaya lang ayaw pa rin ni Alex. "I want to spend
this day with you. Kaya pagbigyan mo muna ako, okay?"

Kaya pala siya nagpupumilit na makasama ako kasi mga dalawang lingo siyang mawawala
dahil sa seminar na dadaluhan niya out of town. So he spend the rest of his entire
day with me.

Sa sumunod na mga araw, I accidentally ran into Savannah in a bookstore. 

I invited her to eat lunch with me. Gusto kong bumawi sa hindi pagdating ni Alex sa
birthday nito. Ayokong isipin nito na tutol ako sa pagkakaibigan nilang dalawa ni
Alex. In fact, I wanted to be her friend too, kasi alam kong mabuti itong kaibigan.

That day, nalaman ko na hindi posibleng mangyari iyon.

Savannah hated me. Because she was inlove with her bestfriend.

She was inlove with Alex for a long time. She hated me because he could not return
her feelings. At nadagdagan pa ang galit nito sakin nong araw ng kaarawan nito.

Because for seventeen years that she waited for him, for seventeen years that she
kept her secret from her bestfriend, nagkaroon ito ng lakas ng loob na sabihin kay
Alex ang totoo nitong damdamin.

On her birthday, she planned to tell Alex her feelings.

Pero nang dahil ulit sakin, she hadn't had the chance. 

Since that day she told me about her feelings towards Alex, I felt scared. Scared
that if Alex knew, he might waver. Maganda si Savannah. Mabait, maalaga, at may
pinagsamahan sila ni Alex. She has everything a man could hope for. 
Pero hindi dumating ang araw na kinakatakutan ko.

Savannah didn't confess after that. And then one day, suddenly nabalitaan ko na
lang kay Alex na aalis ito papuntang Paris para doon magtapos ng kurso nito.   

Alam kong umalis ito dahil sa isang rason.

She loved a person who loved someone else. At masakit iyon. That was a hard
love―because there was just pain and loneliness in it.

That―I understood now.

Para talagang gulong ang buhay. Minsan nasa itaas ka, at minsan nasa ibaba ka. At
pauli-ulit lang iyon sa pag-ikot hanggang sa nasa itaas ka na ulit.

Pero sakin... dito na lang yata titigil ang gulong. Nasa ibaba na lang ako at hindi
na iyon ulit gugulong pa. Kasi... dito na titigil ang ikot ng mundo ko.

Siguro nga malupit ang buhay. You realize you live in reality, not in fantasy. And
because of that, you won't be able to escape how truth could hurt.

I turned and walked back in the direction I'd come, hands in pocket. I emptied my
mind and looked down, stopping to pick up shells or stones along the way. Then I
saw something. There was a figure in the distance.   

At habang lumalapit ako, lalo kong naaaninag kung sino ito.

It was Nathan.

At naroon na naman ang kaba sa puso ko na lagi ko na lang nararamdaman kapag nasa
malapit ito, sa hindi ko malamang dahilan.

I could feel my steps faltering as he came to stood near me, and I noticed he was
fixing me with that intense knowing look again.

Tumigil siya ilang dipa ang layo mula sakin, kaya pati ako huminto na rin sa
paglalakad. It was as if it was inevitable―seeing him alone. 

"Bakit mag-isa ka lang dito? It's dangerous wandering alone and unescorted. Lalo na
kung sa ganitong lugar ka nagpupupunta." Kaswal na sabi nito, na parang magkakilala
na kami.
Strange, but I didn't feel threatened now that he's closer. I was still nervous,
pero wala naman akong nakikitang nakakatakot sa kanya.

"Shouldn't you be with Alexander?" tanong niya.

"He's busy." Naalala ko iyong huling nakita ko kanina bago pumunta dito. Alex was
laughing with Savannah. "Pero ayos lang. Saglit lang naman akong nagliwaliw dito.
And so far, maayos pa naman ako."

Ewan ko pero parang nakaramdam ako ng gaan ng loob nang ngumiti siya.

"Looks like you had a lot on your mind to come here. Usually, doon sa bazaar
pumupunta ang mga stay-in ng resort para magliwaliw at mamasyal," he looked around.
"...hindi dito. This part of the resort was secluded."

"Siguro ikaw rin, maraming iniisip kaya ka nandito." Komento ko.

Napansin kong may nag-iba sa hitsura niya. As I looked closely, I noticed his eyes.
Hindi na iyon iyong madalas kong makita sa tuwing tinitingnan niya ako. Now, as I
looked at them... it was the same eyes as mine when my parents died―they looked sad
and aching.

Pero nawala iyon nong tumingin ulit siya sakin nang nakangiti. "You caught me."

Para sakin, mas nagmukha siyang malungkot sa ngiti niya. At hindi ko mapigilang
makaramdam din ng lungkot.

"Have we met before?" bigla na lang iyon lumabas sa bibig ko. Ewan ko. Siguro dahil
sa kuryosidad―na malaman ko kung bakit ganon na lang ang kutob ko sa lalaking ito,
na pakiramdam ko nagkita na kami, na parang alam niya iyong seretong pinakatago-
tago ko.

Nawala iyong ngiti niya, na mas ikinakaba ko. Naging seryoso ang mukha niya, at
ibinulsa ang mga kamay niya. "Yes. We've met." He said, his voice held so much
truth in it that I couldn't ignore.

Was he telling the truth? Have we met? Saan? Kelan?

Nagsunod-sunod na ang mga katanungan sa utak ko. And that tiny fear started to
spread inside me.

What if...?

"You saw me the day..." he hesitated a moment, and looked away, "The day when I
went to visit my wife, I saw you."
Wife? Hindi ko siya naintindihan. Kelan? Saan? Sinong asawa niya? Do I know her?

"Pasensya na, pero baka nagkakamali ka lang siguro ng akala." Pilit ko pinapakalma
ang sarili ko. Bakit? Why do I feel so afraid? Na parang may nakakaalam ng sekreto
ko. Imposibleng alam niya.

"No. I know it was you." Humarap siya sakin, with determination in his eyes. At
nandon pa rin iyong sakit sa mata niya. "You were there when Lara died. You were
there watching in a corner... you were there... in that clinic. It was you."

Flashes of memories flickered through my mind...

The clinic...

The image of Lara...

My friend, Lara... and her smiles...

And the man who stood beside her...

* * * * *

Sa isang clinic ako napadpad, nong umalis ako tatlong taon na ang nakakaraan. Doon
ko nakilala si Lara.

The day I lost hope, I had nothing then. Iniwan ko lahat. Pati ang taong mahal na
mahal ko, iniwan ko.

Pero nakilala ko si Lara. Her smile gave me strength. Tinulungan niya akong yakapin
ang bagong buhay ko. Isa siya sa mga taong nagbigay lakas sakin at nagbigay
inspirasyon. She made me feel brave again... to fight. She was a dear friend... and
I could never forget her.

Katulad ko, may lason din sa loob ng katawan ni Lara. She had an ovarian cancer.
Nagsimula iyon sa isang simpleng cyst lang. Kuwento ni Lara noon sakin. Nagpa-opera
na siya noon para tanggalin ang cyst sa ovary niya.

It was a success. But years after, lumala ang kalagayan niya. Huli na nang malaman
nilang nasa stage III na pala ang cancer niya.

But she didn't lose hope. Sinubukan niyang lumaban. She tried to save her life...
to fight for her husband.  
But she had less time. Mabilis ang progreso ng cancer niya. Kumalat na iyon sa
ibang parte ng katawan niya. It was too late to save her.

Her body had gone frail, her brightness disappeared... but her smile... it was
still filled with hope―even when she knew she was dying. She still looked like an
angel then.

Noong mga panahong iyon, tinago niya sa asawa niya ang totoong kalagayan niya. So
her husband stopped coming.

One day, her pain level was too much. Hindi niya iyon kinaya. She was deteriorating
at nanganganib na ang buhay niya. The medics called her husband, telling him the
worst news a loved one could ever received.    

I was there the whole time. I was there watching the whole scene. I watched her
husband cried, screaming her name. I watched as he watched his wife fight til her
last breath.

I saw how helpless he was.

Pero sa kabila ng lahat ng iyon... naisip kong masuwerte si Lara. Dahil hindi siya
nag-iisa. May umiyak para sa kanya. May nalungkot para sa kanya. May taong nag-
alala sa kanya. May taong nagmamahal sa kanya.

I saw myself in that same scenario then. Pero wala akong nakitang nasa tabi ko.

I'll die alone. And no one will cry for me. No one will hold my hand. No one will
call my name, over and over again.

Sa araw na iyon... napagdesisyonan kong bumalik at umuwi. Bahala na. Alex will
still love me even if he knew the truth, right? Hindi niya ako iiwan. Hindi niya
ako pababayaan. He will help me fight this.

Pero sila ni Lexie ang naabutan ko nong bumalik ako. Them and their conversation.

* * * * *

"I still miss her." Nahimigan ko ang pag-asam sa boses ni Nathan. Kahit na hindi
siya sakin nakatingin, alam kong nasa mga mata niya ang kalungkutan.

It's been three years, pero nasasaktan pa din si Nathan sa nangyari sa asawa. He
must've loved her so much.
Kahit na wala na si Lara, nagawa pa rin nitong pagselosin ako. She's so lucky to
have a loving husband.

"You know, in some ways, you remind me of her. Lara." Yumuko si Nathan nang
banggitin ang asawa niya. I knew he was hurting right now. Aalis na sana ako
kanina, kaya lang niyaya niya akong samahan siya sandali. Mukhang kailangan niya ng
makakausap kaya pumayag ako. Isa pa... may gusto akong ipakiusap sa kanya.

Ngumiti ako para pagaanin ang tension sa paligid. "Masyadong maganda si Lara,
Nathan, kumpara sakin."

Natatawang napalingon sakin si Nathan, pero hindi man lang umabot ang ngiti niya sa
mata. "You underestimate your beauty, Faith."

I just smiled at him as I watched him look at the distance... doon sa malayong
lugar na hindi naabot ng mga mata. I could sense his longing, his loss, and his
pain. And I imagined Alex doing the same.

"You didn't tell Xander the truth yet, did you?" biglang tanong ni Nathan. Umiling
ako, kahit na hindi niya iyon nakita. I knew he knew the answer to his question.
"He still don't know." Usal niya na parang kausap niya ang sarili. Hindi pa rin ako
sumagot.

I looked over the wide expanse of the sea, listened to the sound of the rolling
waves, felt the cold breeze of the afternoon wind, and smelt the redolent air with
the fumes of the sea and the trees... this was living.         

"Lara... she did the same thing." Narinig kong sabi ni Nathan. "She didn't tell me
that something went wrong. She... she tried to hide the truth from me. Katulad ng
ginagawa mo kay Xander... hindi niya sinabi sakin ang nagyayari sa kanya because
she wanted to protect me. She didn't want to hurt me. But she still did." Pain
flashed across his face as I watched him standing beside me, saying those things.

Alam kong nahihirapan siyang sabihin sakin ngayon ang mga bagay na nagpapa-alala sa
kanya tungkol kay Lara, and I wanted him to stop. Pero gusto niya pa ring
magpatuloy. It was as if talking was helping him relieve his torn up emotions.

"I still mourn for her, everyday. Walang araw ang lumipas na hindi ko sinisi ang
sarili ko sa nangyari sa kanya. If only I was there... if she told me... then she'd
still be here with me. She shouldn't have died." Puno ng hinagpis ang boses ni
Nathan. Guilt was tormenting him. And grief...

Dinaluhan ko siya at hinawakan ang magkabilang kamay niya. He needed it. "Nathan,
don't blame yourself for what happened. Hindi iyon ang gustong mangyari ni Lara.
Hindi niya sinabi sayo ang totoo dahil ayaw niyang mahirapan ka. Ayaw niyang
masaktan ka. Ikaw lang ang iniisip niya, dahil mahal ka niya, Nathan. So don't
blame yourself." Pakiramdam ko, kay Alex ko sinasabi ang mag salitang iyon.
"That's bullsh*t!" marahas na binawi niya ang mga kamay niya at napa-atras ako ng
bahagya sa galit niya. "Paanong hindi ko sisisihin ang sarili ko sa dahilan niya?
She died alone because she wanted to protect me? Do you know how bullsh*t that was?
Kung mahal niya nga ako... she should've told me. I could've been there when she
was fighting for her life. I should've been there with her in her pain..." he
cupped his face and I noticed he was shaking. Then I realized, he was crying.

Nathan broke down.

Parang may pumiga sa puso ko habang naririnig ko ang walang ingay niyang pag-iyak.
He was crying quietly that my heart went out to him. He was still keeping his hurt
coiled around him, not letting go.

Hindi ko na napigilang yakapin siya. I wanted to ease his pain. Kahit sa ganitong
paraan man lang, makabawi ako kay Lara at sa kabutihang ginawa niya sakin.

Ilang minuto kaming nasa ganong eksena. Pinakawalan ko lang siya nong maayos na
ulit ang pakiramdam niya.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have let it all out on you. I just..." he trailed, and
sighed a heavy sigh.

"It's okay. Naiintindihan naman kita." I offered sympathetically. It was breaking

my heart, as I watched silently at him crying. If the same thing would happen to
me, as what happened to Lara... would Alex cry too, like this, for three years?
Would he feel lonely? If I...

Perhaps... if he just didn't said those things to Lexie that night. Perhaps Alex
would be devastated too. Pero nang dahil sa mga narinig ko, natakot akong malaman
ni Alex ang totoo. He was seeking for an annulment. Did that mean he didn't love me
anymore?

Natakot ako. Ayokong mawala si Alex. Siya lang ang kailangan ko para tumagal ako.
Siya lang ang natitirang rason kaya gusto ko pang mabuhay. He was my only hope.

"Faith..." bumalik ako saking malay nang marinig ko ang boses ni Nathan. He cupped
both of my hands and looked at me with pleading eyes. "Alam kong wala akong
karapatang sabihin sayo 'to, o pangunahan ang desisyon mo. But believe me, I do.
Kung mahal mo si Xander, sabihin mo sa kanya ang totoo. I know you wanted to keep
him from hurting by hiding the truth. But trust me, you won't. Masasaktan at
masasaktan pa rin siya. But you'll hurt him more if you tell him too late. He will
be mesirable just like me. But Alex... he's lucky. Because you're still here. You
can still save him, Faith. Hindi madali para sakin ang mabuhay habang inaalala ko
kung ganong hirap ang dinanas ni Lara ng mag-isa, kung paano niya hinarap ng mag-
isa ang sakit niya. I couldn't live with myself for years. And if you think keeping
him in a dark corner will save him from hurting... you're wrong. Faith, you have to
tell Xander everything before it's too late. Tell him."
"Tell me what exactly?"        

━━━━━━  « ღ » ━━━━━━   

=================

Author's Note

ღ Selfie Muna~ ◕‿◕

━━━━━━  « ღ » ━━━━━━ 

Annyeong Readers! (Kung may nagbabasa nga! Haha! :D)

Finally! Naka-half na rin ako sa Chapter goal ko. (Jajajan~) Nakaraos din. -.- !!

Anyway, gusto ko sanang marinig -- este, malaman (kasi wala namang nagsasalita ng
live dito sa watty. :D) kung may nagbabasa ba talaga dito. Haha! Iyon ang history
ng page na 'to. Gusto ko sanang malaman iyong mga opinion niyo, ano iyong
predictions niyo, o kung may mga hinaing kayo, feel free to COMMENT and VOTE. (Oo,
caps talaga para intense. :D) Usap-usap tayo, friends. ^___^    

Thank you sa mga nagbabasa. *mwah! mwah!* Pero may bunos hug pa yan kung magko-
comment at magvo-vote kayo. Para naman mas ma-inspire si Ms. Author diba?
(nyahaha!) ^^v

Soooo... Leave your comments and click the star icon up there. ;D Malapit ko na
ring matapos ang story na 'to kaya kapit lang. Konti na lang, ending na. >.<

Usap din tayo pag may time. :) 

Babye~!! *wave-wave*

AyamiLu

(Andun ako sa gilid o. kekeke~ :))

━━━━━━  « ღ » ━━━━━━ 

=================
Chapter ➋➀ | Delicate Façade

Chapter ➋➀ | Delicate Façade

What was he doing here?

Pareho kaming nabigla ni Nathan sa biglaang pagdating ni Alex sa lugar na iyon. We

were arrested.

Alex looked grim as his eyes flickered down at our hands.

I took my hands back like a scalded cat. It was a harmless, meaningless touch but I
knew what it must looked like to Alex.

Kanina pa ba siya dumating? Did he hear everything Nathan said?

Kinabahan ako bigla. Lalo na sa hitsura ni Alex.

He looked calmer now, yet I could feel the barely leashed energy emanating from him
in hypnotic waves. He folded his arms with an insouciance that said he'd summed it
all up and found no threat. But I knew better.

"Mukhang nagkakaroon kayo ng masinsinang usapan." He cocked a head as he turned to

Nathan with a grim smile.

Namulsa si Nathan, still remaining unperturbed. "It's not what it looks like,
Xander. Kinausap ko lang si Faith tungkol kay Lara."

Mukhang kilala ni Alex si Lara at ang nangyari dito base sa pagkakalungkot ng mga
mata niya. Somehow, Nathan managed to ease some of the tension on his shoulders.

Lumapit si Nathan kay Alex at tinapik niya ito sa balikat. "I'll leave you now.
Take care of her." Sabi pa nito kay Alex bago umalis.

Now we're alone, in this secluded area of the resort. Pakiramdam ko sumisikip ang
dibdib ko sa takot, sa kaba. Bakit pa siya nagpunta dito?  

"So what was it that I needed to know?" he asked apathetically breaking the thick
air of silence. Nawala na ang lungkot sa mata niya na nandoon kanina.

Umalingawngaw sa utak ko ang huling sinabi sakin ni Nathan habang nakatitig si Alex
ng mataman sakin.

"...Tell him."

"...Tell him."

My gut clenched with fear. Kaya ko ba? Sasabihin ko ba?

I was thinking what Nathan said was right. But I don't know if Alex even care
now... would he? Would he believe me if I tell him?

I have my doubts. I was scared... but...

"W―will you believe me... if I tell you?" I have to try.

His eyes narrowed, as if he was pondering a thought. He pressed his mouth before
speaking. "Well, I'm not sure if I could believe you."

My heart sank. I knew he wouldn't.

"But..." umangat ang ulo ko sa kanya. A tiny butterfly of hope fluttered around my
chest as I waited expectantly at his words. "I still want to hear it. Make me
believe you." He said it like a challenge.

He was ready to hear my reasons. At least that was enough, right? He was not
closing his doors on me now. He's giving me a chance. And it was up to me to make
him believe me.

It might be hard... it's hard. But I would not risk my chance for some challenge. I
have to make him believe me. As what Nathan said... I have to tell him everything.

With one deep breath... I told him.

"Three years ago, I went to a doctor. At sinabi niya sakin na may... may mali sa
katawan ko." Kailangan kong huminga ng malalim. This was harder than I thought.
Pero kailangan kong sabihin sa kanya. "I'm sick, Alex. I could die from it. That's
why... that's why I had to go. I had to leave." I tightly clasped my hands
together, praying hard that he would believe me.

He was so still and quiet. And as the seconds passed by, I could feel the last
trail of hope inside me died away.

His face hadn't change. His eyes didn't flicker. But then, his lips formed a
sardonic smile, killing the only silver lining left in me.
"Tell me another story. This is so entertaining." He said mockingly.

Something cold clutched my chest painfully tight. I knew it. I knew he wouldn't
believe me. I was right.

I closed my eyes for a long second, wishing futilely that when I open them again,
he would be gone and I would be alone.

But when I did, he was still there.

Pain started to solidify in my chest. I just told him something that was hard for
me to say yet he still didn't believe me. Why was it hard for him to really open
his heart just a bit for me?

"Come on, Faith. Iyon lang ba ang sasabihin mo sakin? That's it? You want me to
believe that peace of crap?" tumawa siya ng pagak. "You were so sick that you could
die, you say? But you're still alive, though." His mouth twisted cynically. "Tell
me, was leaving helped you run away from death?" punong puno ng sarkasmong sabi
niya. At hindi ko mapigilang mapahawak sa dibdib ko. The pain was indescribable. If
only he knew how close to the truth his words were.

But he didn't stop. He just continued ruthlessly. "Ibang klase ka rin. Nagawa mo
pang idahilan saking may malubha kang sakit para lang makakuha ng simpatya sakin.
Para lang maawa ako sayo. Alam mo ba kung anong ginawa mo sakin? Alam mo ba?!" his
voice was unbearably harsh. The lines on his face was tightly drawn. I could see
how much ha wanted to crush me right then. How much he wanted to shatter me into
pieces. I could see the spite in his eyes... the hurt... and his pain.

It was breaking my heart. It was tearing me apart.

Napatungo ako. Ayokong makita iyon. Ayoko.

But he wouldn't let me free from his torment. He wanted to show me what he's been
through... how I made him miserable. Lumapit siya sakin at pinilit na tumingin sa
kanya, at sa mga mata niya. The force of his hatred and anger shut me down. It
almost floored me.

"Look at me, Faith. Nakikita mo ba? Nakikita mo ba kung ano ang ginawa mo sakin?
You made me miserable. You made me hate the world. You made me like this. Ginawa mo
akong gago. Pinagmukha mo akong tanga nang iniwan mo ako. Alam mo ba... kung gano
kasakit sakin iyong ginawa mo?"

"Alex... please..." ni hindi ko alam kung para saan ang pagmamaka-awa na iyon. I
just couldn't take it anymore. Ayoko ng makinig sa kanya. Ni hindi ko napansing
umiiyak na pala ako dahil sa luhang bumagsak sa pisngi ko. 
Pero parang wala siyang narinig. Lalo pa niya akong hinawakan ng mahigpit. He
wouldn't let me look away. "Binigay ko lahat lahat sayo. Minahal kita ng buong buo.
Hindi kita iniwan kahit na nagawa mo akong talikuran noon. Bumalik ako sayo. Sayo
lang, Faith. Nagpakagago ako, sayo lang. Now tell me. What did I do wrong? Saan ako
nagkulang? Saan ako nagkamali para gawin mo sakin 'to? Do you even know how I felt
when I came home and found you gone?" the bleak, haunted tone in his voice reached
out to me, hitting my heart directly.

I wanted to touch him, hug him so bad to ease his pain but I couldn't. I was afraid
I would break him.   

"And suddenly you're telling me this? That you left because you were dying?"
gumuhit ang galit sa bawat linya ng mukha niya. "Tell me, how am I suppose to
believe that?" he was as cold as ice as he flickered his eyes up and down on me.
Then his hands loosen its grip, and dropped as he stepped away from me. "Don't play
tricks on me again, Faith. Huwag mo ng subukang bilugin ang ulo ko. Alam ko ang
totoo. You left and you gave up being a wife. You chose to leave everything behind.
That was fine. Pero alam mo ba kung ano ang pinakamasakit? Hindi lang iyon ang
iniwan mo. Pati ako iniwan mo. Iyon ang hindi ko matanggap, Faith. The fact that
you left me. At iyon... iyon ang dahilan kaya hindi kita kayang patawarin."

* * * * *

I've cried millions of tears before. And I realized I would be crying more than
millions now. As I stood here alone... I couldn't stop those tears from running
down my face. And everytime a tear started to fall down, it just won't stop coming.

It's all my fault. I hurt him. I left him. I put that pain in his eyes. And now...
he couldn't forgive me because of that. But I just did what I did because it was
for him. Only for him.

Was I selfish?

Was I heartless?

Hindi ko na kayang tumayo. Nakakapagod. Napapagod na ako. Pagod na pagod.

Bakit kailangang ganito? Si Alex lang naman ang iniisip ko kaya nagawa ko iyon.
Kaya ako nagpakalayo. Ayokong masaktan ko siya. Hindi ko kayang pati siya ay
maghirap.

Pero bakit ganito ang nangyayari? Kulang pa ba ang hirap na dinanas ko? Ang sakit
na tiniis ko?

Bakit kailangang ganito?

Hindi ko napigilang magtakip ng mukha habang dumausdos ako sa buhanginan. Gusto
kong isigaw lahat ng nararamdaman ko. Gusto kong ilabas tong sakit sa puso ko. Ang
sikip sikip na kasi ng dibdib ko. Ang sakit na sa loob. Ang hirap ng huminga. 

* * * * *

Matagal akong nanatili sa pinag-iwanan sakin ni Alex. Gabi na pero nandito pa rin
ako. Nag-iisa sa dilim. Kaharap ang kamadong tubig, unti-unti na ring nagiging
mahinahon ang pakiramdam ko.

Ngayong mas kalmado na ako, luminaw rin ang isipan ko.

Pagkatapos ng nangyari kay Lara, marami akong narealize non. I thought, what would
happen to Alex if something bad happened to me in that clinic, far away from him?

If I were to put my shoes in his, if it was the other way around... and Alex died
elsewhere and I knew nothing about it...

God! I couldn't even think about it.

Just thinking about something like that made my heart lurch in pain.

Maybe... maybe Alex would feel the same. I thought if I died, that would destroy
him.

And maybe what I did was wrong. That I should've stayed with him, told him
everything, so we can face it together. Maybe then, he wouldn't hate me this much.

But then... nong bumalik ako... hindi ko inasahan ang mga narinig at nalaman ko. It
caught me off guard.

Ang marinig si Alex na sinasabi ang mga salitang iyon... it was too much. Hindi ko
alam na malalim na pala ang galit niya sakin. It was just a year after I left. At
alam kong hinahanap pa din niya ako. Jed told me. Pero para lang pala sa annulment
kaya niya ako hinahanap. Not because he was worried.

Para akong pinagsakluban ng langit at lupa.

He hated me. At iyon ang hindi ko nakayanan. That night, I fled again, for the
second time. 

I lost hope. I lost my self. I lost my home. And I lost my life.

Pero binigyan ako ni Jed ng bagong pag-asa. He tried to save what was left of me.
At sinabi niya sakin na may isa pa akong dahilan para lumaban at ipagpatuloy ang
buhay. And that was to have a peace of mind. To ask for forgiveness, and be free
again. He told me about God, and to have faith.

Kaya ako bumalik ulit. And maybe this time... I could tell him. I should tell him
properly.

Now that I have this one chance, if I would have to choose again between loving
Alex and breathing again, I would chose to tell him I love him with my last breath.

Siguro nga, tama si Alex. I should probably leave. Siguro tama lang na umalis na
ako at ibigay ko na sa kanya ang matagal na niyang hinintay―ang annulment ng kasal
namin. Maybe I should listen to Jed and go back. Maybe I should let Alex believe
Lexie, para hindi na ako hanapin ni Alex, at para makalimutan niya na ako. And
maybe... I should listen to Nathan and tell Alex everything.

Maybe it's time.

He might not believe me again, but I wouldn't stop trying. Sasabihin ko lahat sa
kanya. I don't care if he believe me or not anymore. I just wanted to tell him. It
would be up to him if he wanted to believe me or not. The jury would be on his
hands.

Dala ang lakas ng loob, tumayo ako at bumalik sa hotel para hanapin si Alex at
sabihin sa kanya ang lahat lahat. Buo na ang pasya ko. I would let him go.

Sa suit ko siya unang hinanap. Pero isang madilim at tahimik na suit ang sumalubong
sakin pagdating ko. There was no traces of him there.

Dali-dali akong lumabas at bumaba. I wouldn't waste anymore time. Masyado na akong
maraming sinayang na oras.

Sa dining hall ako sunod na pumunta, nagbabakasakali na naroon si Alex kasamang

naghahapunan ang mga kasamahan niya. Pero wala.

Where was he?

Palabas na ako nang makasalubong ko sina Carl at Ben.

"Faith!" gulat na sabi ni Carl nang makita ako. But there was something else.
Kabado itong tumingin kay Ben.

"Are you looking for Xander?" kalmadong tanong ni Ben sakin.

Bakit niya alam?

Tumango ako. "Nakita niyo ba siya?" tanong ko sa dalawa.

"Uhmm..." mukhang nag-aalinlangan pa si Carl na sumagot.

"We saw him just now." Nakuha ni Ben ang atensyon ko. "He's in the Lounge.
Drinking. Mukhang wala sa mood. Hindi namin maawat kanina sa pag-inom."

Umiinom si Alex?

"Nag-away ba kayo ni Xander?"

Mabilis na siniko ni Ben si Carl at napasinghap ito ng malakas. "Puntahan mo na

siya dun, bago pa makatulog."

"Salamat." Nagpaalam na ako kaagad at nagmartsa papunta sa Lounge. Iniisip ko pa

rin kong bakit nandoon si Alex. Bakit siya naglalasing?

I saw the place... Alex was inside.

Ito na ba? Ito na ba ang pagkakataon kong sabihin sa kanya ang lahat?

"This is it, Faith. No more running. Tell him and leave. It's the least you could
do. You owe the truth to him." Sabi ko. Huminga ako ng malalim saka pumasok sa
loob.

Medyo may kadiliman sa loob. At sumalubong sakin ang samu't saring amoy ng
sigarilyo, alak, at pabango. There was a music playing too. Pero mahina lang iyon.
It was almost soothing.

Tumuloy ako sa loob at hinanap si Alex. dahil hindi ganoon kaganda at kalinaw ang
paningin ko, nahirapan ako sa paghahanap. Pero di nagtagal, nakita ko si Alex.

He was sitting in the bar counter. Mag-isa lang siya dun. At mukhang nakakarami na
nga siya ng ininom kasi bagsak na ang ulo niya sa mesa.

Bigla akong nakaramdam ng pag-aalala at lungkot. Ni minsan kasi, hindi ko nakitang

umiinom si Alex noon. I never imagined seeing him like that. Naaawa ako sa kanya.
And I felt guilty watching him at that state. Ako ang dahilan kaya siya
nagkakaganyan.

Siguro noon, nong wala ako sa tabi niya, siguro madalas siyang uminom.
Ang sama ko na bang asawa?

I took a hesitant step forward. Natatakot ako.

Nakita kong umangat ang ulo ni Alex mula sa pagkakayupyop niya sa mesa. "One more
please." He mumbled. He's speech was already slurred from the influence of alcohol.

Tapos biglang bumuway ang pagkakaupo niya.

I felt my feet stuck. Inunahan ako ng takot. Panic crept inside me. Akala ko
mahuhulog na si Alex sa upuan niya. Pero hindi iyon nangyari.

In a second, may nakalapit na babae sa kanya.

"For God's sake! Xander! What happen to you?!" galit na litanya ni Savannah kay
Alex.

I was sinking deep where I stood when I saw her. Of all people, bakit ito pa ang
nandito? I don't need her right now when I wanted to tell Alex something important.

"God! You're a mess." Naiinis na sabi nito habang inaalalayan pa rin si Alex.

"Shavannah... ha! I knew you'd come." Lasing na sab ni Alex.

"Of course, what do you expect? You called me and started crying. Sinong hindi mag-
aalala?"

Parang tinarakan ng kutsilyo ang puso ko sa narinig ko.

Alex cried?

At si Savannah ang tinawagan niya para dumamay sa kanya.

Now I felt really bad.       

"That's enough. Come on, let's go." saway ni Savannah nang tangkain ni Alex na
uminom ulit at hinila ito.

Pero tinabig ito ni Alex. "Let go. Dito lang ako." Pagmamatigas niya.
Hinawi ni Savannah ang mahabang buhok nito. I could see frustration written on her
face. "Xander, don't be like this. Bakit ka ba nagkakaganyan? You know she's not
even worth it. Ginawa mo na iyan dati. Nagpakalunod ka sa alak. Pero ano? Hindi pa
rin siya bumalik."

Nanatiling nakayuko si Alex matapos niyang tunggain ang alak na hawak niya. Gusto
ko siyang pigilan. Gusto kong sabihin kay Savannah na huwag niyang lasunin ang pag-
iisip ni Alex. Marami akong gustong gawin. Pero hindi ko alam kung paano ko
gagawin.

"I said that's enough!" inagaw na ni Savannah ang basong hawak ni Alex.

"Pabayaan mo 'ko. Hindi pa 'ko lashing." Alex blindly reached for the glass, pero
iniiwas iyon ni Savannah.

"Lasing ka na, Xander. Ni hindi mo na nga kayang umupo ng maayos." Iniharap ni

Savannah ang upuan ni Alex sa kanya at hinuli ang mukha nito sa pagitan ng dalawang
palad niya. "Please, stop. Ayokong nakikita kang nagkakaganyan, lalo na't alam kong
si Faith ang dahilan niyan."

Sumeryoso ang mukha ni Alex. "Just go, Sav. Kung hindi mo ako sasamahan, mabuti
pang iwan mo nalang ako dito." At tinanggal ang mga kamay ni Savannah sa mukha
niya. Pero nanatili roon ang kamay ng dalaga.

"Listen to me, Xander. Best friend kita. At ayokong nasasaktan ka ng ganyan. Bakit
ba palagi na lang si Faith ang nakikita mo? I'm here. I'm here before you met her.
Kahit nong iniwan ka niya, nasa tabi mo pa rin ako. Nong nasaktan ka, inalagaan
kita. Noon hanggang nagyon, Xander, hindi kita iniwan. At ngayong bumalik siya...
hindi ko na lang puwedeng ibigay ka sa kanya. So don't ask me to leave you alone."

A few seconds passed bago pa sumagot si Alex. And those few seconds felt like years
to me.

With a sad and guilty expression, Alex removed her hands away from his face. At
tiningnan niya si Savannah sa mata. "Sav... don't." anas niya. There was tenderness
in his voice. "I don't want to lose you. You're my best friend."

"I know. But I can't just let it go." Mahinang sabi ni Savannah kay Alex. Pero
kahit ganon, narinig ko pa rin ang sunod na sinabi nito. "I love you."

Maang na tiningnan ni Alex si Savannah. He looked surprised and stunned by what his
best friend told him. I felt something horrible snaked inside me as I waited for
Alex to say something. Would he accept it?

Then my brain totally froze. I didn't know who initiated it. The next thing I knew
was they were kissing each other. Shock... anger... jealousy... and pain.
Naramdaman ko lahat iyon sa isang iglap lang. The pain was indescribable. Ni hindi
ko magawang gumalaw sa kinatatayuan ko. I couldn't think. I could only stare and
stare... until I felt that tearing sensation inside my chest. I sucked a breath
from the pain.

It was too much for me to bear.

Narinig kong may lumabas na tunog sa bibig ko. And I realized I was crying, and I
couldn't help the noises from coming. They sounded harsh. Parang hindi ako
makahinga.

With a numbed feet, I turned around and ran as far away as I could.  

━━━━━━  « ღ » ━━━━━━ 

=================

Chapter ➋➁ | Unveiling the Scar

Chapter ➋➁ | Unveiling the Scar

I woke up with a hollow feeling lodged in my chest. And it was getting hollower as
I met the silence growing louder with every passing seconds.

I found the bed next to mine empty and neat as though it hadn't been used last
night.

With a sinking feeling, I realized it wasn't just the bed... but the whole place
was empty. And that emptiness left a hole inside me. 

Pagkatapos ng nakita ko kagabi, hindi ko na alam ang gagawin ko. Ang mga plano ko,
parang naglaho ng parang abo. Ang dahilan kung bakit ako nananatili rito sa
mundo... pati iyon hindi ko sigurado. I felt like I was standing over the edge of a
cliff... ready to jump.

"Ma'am, nasa kotse na po ang mga gamit ninyo."

Tiningala ko iyong hotel valet na nag-asikaso sa mga gamit ko. "Salamat." Sabi ko
saka tumayo. Inayos ko iyong suot kong itim na salamin. I was so glad I brought
this with me during this trip. At least, napakinabangan ko siya ngayon. Ayokong
takutin ang mga makakasalubong ko dahil sa hitsura ko ng ganito kaaga.

Mamaya pa sana ang oras ng pag-alis namin sa hotel, pero hindi ko na mahihintay ang
oras na iyon. Ayokong magtagal at makita ang mukha ng dalawang taong dahilan ng
paninikip ng dibdib ko ngayon. Kaya kailangan kong umalis. Gusto ko ng umalis at
umuwi. Magpakalayo.

Napabuntong hininga ako. Siguro, hindi ko na masasabi kay Alex ang totoo. Alam ko,
malalaman din niya ang katotohanan, pero hindi pa ngayon. At siguro, ang dapat kong
gawin ngayon ay hintayin ang tamang panahon na handa ng makinig si Alex. At siguro,
iyon ang araw na matututunan ni Alex na patawarin ako.

Sa ngayon, hahayaan ko na lang siya. Hihintayin kong maghilom ang sugat niya na
binuksan ko kagabi. I'll wait... pero kung kailan ako katagal maghihintay, hindi ko
alam. Sana lang mapatawad niya ako sa loob ng limang buwan na palugid na hiningi ko
sa kanya.

"Faith?"

Napalingon ako sa entrada ng hotel bago pa ako makasakay sa kotse. At nakita ko si

Nathan.

"Are you leaving?" nagtatakang tiningnan niya ang mga gamit ko na nakaayos na sa
loob ng kotse. "Hindi ba sa hapon pa ang oras ng out ninyo rito? Ayaw mo bang
mamasyal man lang muna bago umuwi?"

Mamasyal? Hindi ko napigilang mapangiti―ng mapait. How in the world would I enjoy
touring around after what happened last night? Kung ganon lang siguro kamanhid ang
damdamin ko, baka hindi ko pa maisipang umuwi ng ilang araw. This place was an
absolute paradise, after all.

But the beauty of the place wasn't enough to soothe the ache in my heart. Infact,
mas naaalala ko pa ang mga nangyari kagabi. Mas lalo lang lumalalim ang sugat sa
dibdib ko.

"Pasensya na kung hindi ako nakapag-paalam sa inyo." Hindi ko naisipang magpaalam

kanina. Pero ngayon, naisip ko na parang ang sama ko naman kung hindi ako
magpapaalam ng maayos. Kahit papaano'y naging mabait sila sakin. Nakilala ko rin
sila. At si Monica. Kaya lang...

"You fought with Alex." hindi iyon tanong. It was a hypothetic guess. Pero
siyempre, alam ni Nathan na tama siya. Guilt shadowed his eyes. "I'm sorry. It's my
fault. Hindi na dapat kita pinilit. I really don't know why I did that."

He was rumbling. Kaya hinawakan ko ang kamay niya para mapatigil siya. "Nathan,
it's okay. I don't blame you. Minsan, hindi talaga umaayon ang ilang bagay sa
pagkakataon. Hindi man naging maayos ang kinalabasan ng nangyari kagabi, at least I
tried, right?" ngumiti ako para pagaanin man lang ang loob niya.

"Kung tutuusin nga, dapat akong magpasalamat sayo dahil sa mga sinabi mo kagabi.
Kahit mahirap sayo, binahagi mo pa rin ang tungkol kay Lara. Alam mo, sa kaunting
panahon na nakasama at nakilala ko si Lara, masasabi kong isa siyang mabuting tao.
Naging mapagmahal siyang asawa sayo, and I'm a witness of that. Kaya alam ko na
gusto ni Lara na maging masaya ka ulit. I know she would want you to move on. No,
you don't have to forget everything about her. You just have to learn to live
without her.

"You will always have your memories of her. At hindi iyon kayang agawin ng kahit na
sino. But you can't hold on to them for long. Some time, you will have to let them
go, kapag hindi na masakit. So she could also find her peace. Alam kong masakit,
mahirap... but time will help you.

"Kung ako rin ang nasa katayuan ni Lara, I would ask the same for Alex. I would be
lying if I say it's okay, kahit ang totoo, masakit. Pero para kay Alex, para sayo,
magpapatuloy ang buhay. So I'd still say it's okay if he forgets... as long as he's
happy. Hindi mo siguro maintindihan ang sinasabi ko. Pero para sakin, iniisip ko
lang iyong mga taong maiiwan ko. And Lara did too."

* * * * *

Hindi ko na kailangang alamin kung saan nagpalipas ng gabi si Alex kagabi. Kahit
ayokong mag-isip ng masama, hindi ko mapigilan, lalo na pagkatapos ng nasaksihan ko
sa bar na iyon. Kung hindi man bumalik si Alex sa suit namin kagabi, hindi na ako
magtatanong. Kahit nababaliw ako sa kakaisip, I wouldn't ask.

Dahil natatakot akong malaman ang totoo.

Hindi niya siguro kayang harapin ako pagkatapos ng mga sinabi niya sa tabing dagat,
at sa nangyrari sa bar. That night... it was different from our constant argument.
Because for the first time, he broke his wall and he let me see his suffering, his
vulnerability. He put his guard down. Ginawa niya iyon para ipaintindi sakin ang
sakit at hirap na dinanas niya pagkatapos ng ginawa ko. To make me feel miserable
too. To make me regret what I did...

And he was succeeding... almost.

Dahil hindi ako makatulog sa magdamagang pag-iisip ang kakaiyak, I decided to pack
my things and leave early in the morning. Ayokong harapin si Alex habang naglalaro
sa utak ko ang mga nakita ko kagabi. Mas lalo lang lalala ang problema ko.

Kanina, bago ko iwan si Nathan, nagbilin ako ng sulat para kay Monica. Dahil sa
dami ng nangyari, nakalimutan ko ng magpaalam bago umalis. Even for just a week,
nakahanap ako ng kaibigan sa katauhan ni Monica. She was nice kahit na may pagka-
intimidating siya sa una. She took care of me at tinuring din niya akong kaibigan.
Kaya alam kong magagalit iyon kapag umalis na lang ako ng basta-basta.

Monica might think na baka may problema sa pagitan namin ni Alex, pero alam ko
naman na sasaluhin lang ni Alex ang nangyari. Kasi siya iyong tipong ayaw malagay
sa gipitang situwasyon, lalo na kung tungkol sakin. At least kahit iyon ayos lang
sakin. Kasi indirectly, he was protecting me. And the shameful mistake I did.
Ang tunog ng cellphone ko ang nagpapanumbalik sakin sa kamalayan. It was Emma.

"'San ka?" salubong niya kaagad nang sagutin ko ang tawag.

Suddenly I felt something snapped inside me at the sound of her voice. Na parang
may binuksang dam sa loob ko. 'Di ko na napigilan ang bugso ng damdaming gustong
lumabas mula sa dibdib ko. My mouth trembled. Tears stung my eyes. I sniffed.

"Faith. Are you―are you okay? Are you crying?" nasa boses nito ang pag-aalala.

Hindi ako makasagot. Kasi natatakot ako na kapag ibinuka ko iyong bibig ko, baka
hindi ko na mapatigil ang nagbabadyang luha na gustong pumatak sa mga mata ko. I
was just holding them in, fighting the myriads of emotions surging in like a storm.

"Is there something wrong? Did something happen?" sunod-sunod na na tanong nito.

Lumabas ang hikbi sa bibig ko. Again, I sniffed. Gusto ko ng ilabas to. Ang sakit
na kasi. Pakiramdam ko, sasabog na lang ako bigla. Ang bigat sa loob. My eyes went
blurry from the accumulating tears.

Why do I have to act so tough? Pati ba ito ipagdadamot ko sa sarili ko?

"Talk to me, okay? Wait―are you driving?!" narinig kong bumuntong-hininga ito.
"Okay, just calm down. Dito ka na tumuloy sa resto ko, okay? Calm down. And be
careful. Bakit ka kasi umiiyak ng nagmamaneho?!" I heard her sigh. "Okay... so I'll
wait here."

* * * * *

Thirty minutes later, nakaupo ako sa sahig sa tabi ni Emma. We're inside her
office, at nasa ibaba lang ang high-class niyang restaurant. Kahit na full house
sila ngayon, hindi pa rin siya nagdalawang-isip na iwanan ang trabaho para samahan
ako. Dahilan pa niya, may hired manager naman daw siya na maaasahan niya. Kaya
kahit na masunog ang kusina niya, wala daw problema.

"Hay, kanina ka pa sinok nang sinok diyan. Tahan na." Emma handed me another box of
tissue. Mabuti na lang pala at dito ako napadpad sa opisina ni Emma. Kasi dito na
halos naka-stock ang ibang gamit sa restaurant niya, tulad na lang nitong tissue.

"Naku! Kung nandon lang ako, talagang kakalbuhin ko pati kilay ng babaeng iyon! Ang
landi! Nanggigil ako!! Akala mo kung sino e best friend lang naman siya." Pinanood
ko siya nong tinungga niya ang kahon ng chuckie niya habang nagpupunas ako ng ilong
ko.

Ganon kami magmula highschool. Sa tuwing may ganito kaming usapan―sa problema, sa
buhay, sa lahat, laging mayrong ice cream, chuckie, at iba't ibang chips. Naging
karamay na namin iyan sa pagtanda.

"Emma, hik!... nagpapatakbo ka ng hik!... Restaurant, hindi hik!... Parlor." Sabi

ko na panay ang sinok.

"So what? May plucker naman ako. Iisa-isahin kon bunutin lahat ng buhok niya, pati
buhok sa ilong niya. Aahitan ko din ang kilay ng mahaderang iyon. Tingnan ko lang
kung di siya magmukhang alien."

I grimaced at the thought of Savannah's hair being shaved. "Hik! Maganda pa rin

siya... hik! kahit wala siyang buhok."

Huminga ng malalim si Emma. Inuubos ko na yata ang pasensya niya. "Faith," she
crossed her arms as she turned to look at me. "She may have sharp bones and
striking look. But don't forget that that face," itinuro pa niya ang mukha ko.
"Iyang mukhang iyan ang minahal ni Xander." Nag-yoga style siya ng upo paharap
sakin. "Alam mo, huwag kang patalo sa babaeng iyon. I can still remember nong
gabing naabutan ko sila ni Drew na nag-iinuman. Xander was so wasted that night. He
was blabbering about some girl he met and he was desperate to get to know her. And
voila! Ikaw lang pala iyong tinutukoy niya."

That seemed to be so long ago. I missed those times... those bittersweet

memories...

Alex once told me that he wanted our children to look like me. Para daw magmagmukha
silang anghel lahat.

Naramdaman kong hinila ni Emma ang dalawang kamay ko. "Whatever happens, just
believe in Xander. Hindi sa ibang tao. I know Xander. Hindi niya sasadyaing gawin
iyon para masaktan ka. Maybe he's still mad at you, but he won't hurt you. I
believe he still loves you, Faith. Kahit mahirap paniwalaan sa parte mo... just
hang onto him a little bit more."

I leaned and hugged her. Talking with her was a breath of fresh air. Kung nagkulong
siguro ako sa bahay kanina... God knows what could happen.

"Oh?" bigla ay kumawala siya sa pagkakayakap ko sa kanya. "See? Nawala na iyong

sinok mo." She said grinning again.

Napahawak ako bigla sa bandang tiyan ko. "Oo nga no... hik!" Nagkatinginan kaming
dalawa at sabay na napabulanghit ng tawa.

Kanina lang binuhhos ko lahat ng sama ng loob ko kay Emma. I told her everything
that happened in the resort, leaving the piece about Nathan and Lara. That piece
was something I couldn't tell her yet. And all the while, hindi siya nagsalita,
nakinig lang siya―just what I needed.

But look at us now. Para kaming mga bata na nagkakatawanan. Parang ang gaan-gaan na
ng loob ko pagkatapos kong sabihin sa kanya lahat. It was like tons of weight was
lifted over my shoulders. Maluwag na ulit ang paghinga ko. At least ngayon,
magagawa ko ng iwan ang mga nangyari sa resort sa likod ko. And that kiss... I
believe what Emma said. Hindi gagawin ni Alex ang saktan ako sa ganong paraan,
kahit na galit siya sakin.

I wonder...

Kung sinabi ko kaya kay Emma ang nalaman ko noon, ag dahilan ng pag-alis ko... kung
sinabi ko sa kanya ang plano kong pag-alis... mararanasan ko kaya ang mga dinanas
ko sa nakalipas na tatlong taon?

Perhaps no...

I know she'd support me and she wouldn't leave me alone if she knew the truth. She
wouldn't let me suffer by myself.

That would be nice...     

But still... nandon pa rin ang takot na ibibigay ko sa kanya. I know she's tough,
but I also know I had a space of her weak spot. At hindi ko gagantihan ang
pagkakaibigan namin para gamitin iyon. Lalo na kung alam kong malapit na niyang
makamit ang isa sa mga pangarap niya―ang makasal sila ng pinakamamahal niyang si
Drew. Hindi ko kayang gawing malungkot ang babaeng malapit ng ma-engage. Mahal ko
si Emma kaya gusto ko siyang sumaya. She was my person, but I couldn't let her
suffer just because I wanted her to stay beside me. I couldn't ruin her happiness.

* * * * *

Tok tok tok!

Sabay kaming napatigin ni Emma sa pintuan ng opisina niya sa katok na iyon. Maya-
maya pa ay sumilip mula doon ang isa sa mga lalaking staff niya. Medyo nagulat pa
ito nang makitang may bisita ang boss nila at saka nahihiyang napakamot ito sa ulo.

"Juno, may asawa na 'tong kaibigan ko kaya huwag mo na siyang gamitan niyang pag-
papapacute mo. Hindi iyan tatalab dito." Sabi ni Emma na nakapagpamula sa mukha ng
bagong dating.

Tumayo si Emma mula sa pagkakasalpak niya sa sahig at iniwan ako para lapitan si
Juno, na halos di na sakin makatingin ng diretso. I found it cute. Napangiti tuloy
ako.
After an exchange of few words, bumalik na si Emma sa tabi ko at lumabas na rin si
Juno sa opisina.

"Ikaw talaga, pinahamak mo pa iyong staff mo. Kawawa tuloy." Sabi ko sa kanya nang
makaupo na siya.

"Mabuti lang iyon. Mamaya siya pa mapahiya sayo kapag pomorma bigla sayo. E hindi
yata alam ng batang iyon na off limits ang mga kaibigan ko." Sinisipsip niya iyong
chuckie niya na halos wala ng laman.

Tapos biglang nalukot ang mukha niya nang tumingin siya sakin. "Bakit ba naka-
jacket ka? Tanghaling tapat eh. Di ka na naawa sa katawan mo, nag-itim ka pa
talaga. Tinerno pa talaga sa mood, ha. Nagluluksa lang ang peg?" binaba niya iyong
chuckie niya. "Akin na nga iyan. Ako ang naiinitan sayo eh." Siya na ang nagtanggal
ng jacket ko, kaya wala na akong nagawa. May pagka-bossy lang talaga itong si Emma
kadalasan.

Biglang naging presko ang pakiramdam ko. Humagod ang lamig ng aircon sa katawan ko.

"Pambihira. Gutso mo yatang magka-heat stroke eh." Sermon pa niya habang inaayos
ang jacket ko sa sofa sa likuran namin.

"Hindi ko naramdaman ang init eh." Pinunasan ko ang leeg ko.

She was about to say something but something caught her eyes. Kumunot ang noo niya.
And I stilled.

Wala na akong nagawa nong kinuha na niya ang kamay ko. Mas lalo kong naramdaman ang
lamig ng aircon. I felt really cold, at nagsisimula na rin akong pagpawisan ng
malamig.

I was scared to look at her. Napapikit ako nong maramdaman ko ang kamay niya sa
pilat na iyon sa kamay ko. That was the scar Alex saw.

"What's this?" mahinang tanong niya.

The scar was impossible to miss. Because it marred the pale skin beneath it. It
looked horrendous.

I clenched my fist trying to take my arm back, pero hinigpitan lang ni Emma ang
hawak niya sakin.

"Faith, answer me." Wala na ang masayang himig sa boses niya. Her voice turned
commanding. Iyon ang Emma na hindi ko kayang harapin. "Please tell me I'm wrong...
that you didn't try to..." she trailed off when she saw my face.

Parang nag-flasback sakin lahat nong nangyari... at pakiramdam ko, nasa likod ko
lang ang halimaw na iyon.

"No, you didn't..."

I breathed deeply to push away that risning fear and agitation that was threatening
to fill my chest.

I forced my eyes open and l looked immediately straight at her. "You're right... I
did."

━━━━━━  « ღ » ━━━━━━ 

=================

Chapter ➋➂ | Rescue Me

Chapter ➋➂ | Rescue Me

Three Years Ago

"Faith, are you okay?"

Naramdaman kong may nag-ayos ng buhok palayo sa mukha ko tapos may humaplos sa
likod ko habang nakaupo ako sa sahig ng banyo at naghihintay kung hanggang kelan
matatapos itong sama ng pakiramdam ko. Kahit papano, naramdaman ko ang init sa
paghahagod ni Alex sa likod ko.  

"You've been here for three hours. Are you sure you don't want me to call Malcolm?"

Umiling ako ng ilang beses nang marinig ko ang pangalan ng kaibigan niyang doctor.
I know he's worrying pero hindi niya puwedeng malaman. Pumikit ako ng mariin, then
when I felt I wasn't dizzy anymore, humarap ako sa kanya. "Huwag mo na siyang
abalahin sa ganitong oras. I'm fine. Go back to bed."

He shook his head, his eyes was full of worry. "No, I'll stay. Kanina ka pa
nandito. Are you sure you're okay? Or if you want, we could go to the hospital.
Ilang araw ka ng nagduduwal." He said, keeping his calm yet I could feel the
tremors running in his hand on my back.
Ilang iling pa uli ang ginawa ko. I refused to go to hospital. Or to see any
doctor. Not with him. Ayoko. He could be persistent and stubborn, but I wouldn't
let him get his way tonight. I couldn't. I just prayed I could convince him to stop
seeking for medical attention. 

"Please, Faith. Nag-aalala na ako sa lagay mo."

I'm sorry, Alex. "I'm okay. It would pass. So don't worry yourself too much.
Simpleng kaso lang 'to ng stress." Pinilit kay tumayo para ipakita sa kanya na
maayos lang ako. Pero nabuwal ako sa pagkakatayo ko at napahawak sa kanya dahil sa
pagkahilo.

Lumuhod siya bigla at binuhat ako papunta sa kuwarto at pinahiga sa kama. I could
see the way his jaw clenched. Alam kong nagtitimpi lang si Alex. Kung ganito siya
mag-alala ngayon, pano pa kaya kapag nalaman na niya ang totoong kalagayan ko?

I let him tuck me in bed. I was so dizzy I didn't catch him pick up the phone.
Mabilis akong bumangon, out of panic.

"Hello, Mal―"

Tiningnan ako ni Alex, impatience stamped on his face. Lalong nag-isang linya ang
kilay niya nang makita niyang hawak ko ang plug ng telepono.

"Please... no doctors. Ang aga pa para bulabugin mo sila. Tabi ka na lang sakin."
Umisod ako para bigyan siya ng puwang sa tabi ko. Mabuti na lang at hindi na siya
nagmatigas. 

He sighed frustatedly and climbed to bed next to me. He pulled me closer to him and
I felt him kiss my head. "I'm really worried about you, Faith. Ilang linggo na
iyan. And you always have headache. Can you just please... give me a peace of mind?
Help me here."

Oh God! How am I suppose to tell him?

Kung sasabihin ko sa kanya ang totoo... I wouldn't be giving him his peace of mind.
I wouldn't be able to help him either. Mas lalo ko lang siyang bibigyan ng
alalahanin.

"Alex, do you trust me?"

He put a finger on my chin and tilted my head so I could meet his eyes. "You know I
trust you. I love you. Hindi mo na kailangang itanong iyan."

I felt the bile swelling up inside my throat. Napayuko ako para itago ang luhang
gustong pumatak. Niyakap ko siya ng mahigpit at naramdaman kong gumanti din siya ng
yakap.

 He felt warm. Yet I still felt cold.

"So trust me. I'm fine. Mawawala din 'to... at least that's what the doctor said."

He went still. And I bit my lip to keep me from taking back those words.

Naalala ko iyong unang pagkakataong inakala kong may nabubuo na sa sinapupunan ko.
Iyong pinangarap ko... Ang hitsura ng magiging baby namin ni Alex... ang unang
pangalang ibibigay ko sa kanya...

But all was just a false hope. At sa huli... all I felt was pain. And that crushed
hope. And I was doing it with Alex.

"Are you..."

Napapikit ako ng mariin. Oh God. Alex... please forgive me.

Bumalikwas siya ng bangon para tingnan ako sa mata. "Are you pregnant?"  The
anticipation shining in his eyes was so painful to watch. Para akong binabaon ng
buhay.  

Hindi ako sumagot. Hindi ko kaya. But he took my silence as a 'yes'.

He jumped up and down, rained kisses on my face at nagtatatakbo na siya sa buong

bahay. Pati mga kasambahay namin ginising niya dahil sa magandang balita.

At hindi ko napigilang umiyak... humagulgol...

I just lied to him...

And it made him so happy.

* * * * *

Katatapos lang naming mag-usap ni Tita Irene. I told her what I told Alex. Hindi
makaya ng konsensya ko ang ginawa kong pagsisinungaling kay Alex. Guilt was
suffocating me. Kaya pakiramdam ko, kailangan kong sabihin sa isang tao ang nagawa
ko. Someone who could understand me. And Tita Irene would.
Araw-araw dumarating si Alex na may dalang laruan, kahit na hindi pa nag-iisang
buwan ang inaakala niyang baby. It was tearing me apart―to watch him get so excited
and inspired.

Isang gabi, ipinakita niya sakin ang isa sa mga surprisa niya.

He sketched a room for the baby.

Hindi ko na natiis ang sundot ng konsensya ko. Pakiramdam ko ang sama-sama ko sa

paglilihim at pagsisinungaling ko.

Kaya kinailangan kong sabihin sa kanya ang totoo. I knew I'll crush his spirit, his
hope, and his happiness if I told him the truth―that there's no baby. Pero ayokong
dumating ang araw na umasa siya sa maling akala. Ayokong lumala ang
pagsisinungaling na ginawa ko. I don't want to make him hate me.

Before bed time...  I told him it was a false alarm. That the doctor made a
mistake. I had to make up another story so he wouldn't ask.

He was devastated. Parang tinanggalan ko siya ng isang kamay.  At bumalik sakin
iyon ng sampung beses.

Paano na lang kaya kung sinabi ko sa kanya ang sekretong tinatago ko?

He avoided me after that. Hindi niya ako kinausap ng ilang araw. He often stayed at
his office at minsan sa studyroom na siya natutulog. At iyon iyong mga pagkakataong
hinahayaan kong umiyak ako dahil sa sakit.

 * * * * *

The space between us was getting larger. That's what I felt. Kaunting bagay lang,
pinag-aawayan na namin. He was stressed with work and I felt he didn't care for me
anymore. I thought we'd stay like that for a long time. Hindi naman ganon kababaw
ang ginawa kong kasalanan. He might not understand the reasons I had, or that I was
hiding something... pero kinailangan ko lang ng rason para hindi na siya mag-alala
pa. But I guess I gave him worse.

Isang araw...
Nagising akong may rosas sa tabi ng unang ko, imbis na si Alex. But strangely, I
felt void of happiness... it was pain that was filling me... and a tinge of
sadness.

Bumangon ako at nakita ko ang nagkalat na rose petals sa sahig. It was forming an
isle, like there was somewhere he wanted me to go. Sinundan ko iyon.

I knew Alex prepared something again. At hindi ko man lang naramdaman ang
excitement katulad ng parati kong nararamdaman sa tuwing naghahanda siya ng
surprisa.

For some reason, I just didn't feel like myself. Ang bigat-bigat ng dibdib ko.
Parang gusto kong tumakas, tumakbo...

Nakarating ako sa gazebo sa likod ng bahay namin kung saan may fishpond.

And there I saw the man I love standing there holding a white rose. Nakangiti siya
habang hinihintay niya ako sa kabilang dulo. Lalong nadadagdagan ng isang kilo ang
bigat na pasan-pasan ko sa bawat hakbang na tinatahak ko palapit sa kanya.

I felt like I was sinking down like a brick under water.

He took my hands when I finally stood beside him. He kissed the top of my knuckles
and looked at me with tenderness. "I'm sorry I failed you." Sabi niya. "I'm sorry I
left you out alone. I should've stayed beside you. I forgot you were hurting too.
Na hindi lang ako ang nasaktan sa nangyari. I shoud've not wallowed on my own
misery. I messed up. And worse, I turned it all out on you." He sighed and tucked a
stray hair behind my ear. "Ito lang ang unang pagsubok natin at alam kong maraming
pang darating. And I promise I won't fail you again. I will stay beside you,
cherish you, and love you. Whatever happens, come hell or high waters. I won't let
you go. Hindi ko alam ang mangyayari sakin kapag nawala ka, Faith."

Why? Why do I feel like his words were not words of love? It felt like they were
gun bullets shot through my soul.

* * * * *

Two weeks after that...

I clutched my bag tightly on one hand as I left those rings behind. I decided I
wouldn't leave a note for him. Ayokong magpaalam. Dahil gusto ko pang bumalik. But
these rings... I wanted to leave them so he could remember me that I once existed
as his wife. And to tell him not to wait for me... not to find me... because I
don't know when will I come back. O kung makakabalik pa ba ako.

I love him so much yet I would be saying goodbye.

I just couldn't keep on living with him while I was waiting for my end. I couldn't
stay beside him when all I could think about was my guilt, for holding back
something from him. I was growing scared everyday, fearing that I might fall apart
one day and unwrap everything and lay it bare for him.

My control was fast fading. I couldn't conceal it anymore. He would know. At

ayokong mangyari iyon, lalo na ngayong may pinoproblema siya sa trabaho. Ayokong
gatungan pa iyon.   

Maybe he'd hate me for doing this, or even curse me. But I believed him when he
said that he won't let me go... that he would still love me whatever happens.     

I'd hold on to it.

Sakay ng taxi, umalis ako ng bahay at nagpakalayo-layo.

Nang 'di ko na makita ang anino ng bahay... it was then that I realized I just left
everything behind. My home, my friends, and Alex.  

* * * * *

Sa isang maliit na kumunidad ako napadpad. Iyon ang isang lugar na alam kong hindi
ako hahanapin ni Alex. There's a clinic there which treats patients with cases I
had. And as lucky as I could get, doon ko nakita si Jed.

Nagulat ako nang malaman kong isa siyang Resident Doctor sa clinic na iyon.  Out of
all people, si Jed pa ang nakaalam ng sekreto ko. And I trusted him. Dahil alam
kong hindi niya sasabihin kay Alex ang mga nalaman niya. He would keep my
confidence.

Jed was my former suitor before I met Alex. We were schoolmates ever since we're in
highschool. We've come from a long way. Kaya siguro hindi ko nagawang suklian ang
kabaitan niya sakin dahil tinuring ko na siyang malapit na kaibigan. Bukod doon,
magkakakilala rin ang mga parents namin. His father was a well-known Onco Doctor
and his mother was a successful Cardiologist. At dahil sa kanila kaya alam ko ang
tungkol sa clinic na pinuntahan ko. They own it.
Nahirapan ako sa unang linggo ko doon. But I met Lara. She helped me get through it
all. Dahil sa kanya, nabigyan ako ng lakas na lumaban at magkaroon ng pag-asa.
Hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit nakakaya pa niyang ngumiti ng ganon kaganda
samantalang alam niya na ilang araw na lang ang natitira sa kanya. It just seemed
so unfair to me.

Then one day she said, "I think only those happy memories. Kapag naiisip ko ang
masasayang araw na naranasan ko, I feel happy and contented. And I always think how
lucky I was that I met my husband. Kapag naaalala ko iyong mga unang araw na
nagkasama kami, when we grew up together... I feel happy. At nasasabi ko na 'Ah, na
sakin na pala ang lahat. What more could I need?' Maybe you'd say I need more time.
But asking for time is asking for more pain. For greed. At ayokong mabahiran ng
mapait na alaala ang mga masasayang alaalang iyon."  

When Lara passed away, she made me realize that there was something much more great
than Love―Time.

She cherished the time Nathan and her had. At sa araw ng pagkawala niya, na-realize
ko kung ano ang pianakamasakit na puwedeng mangyari samin ni Alex. 

Her husband cried and screamed. He said he would exchange his time for her, so he
could spend another day with her. He would exchange all his money to buy time for
her. But the sad truth was, time was priceless. Even the priceless diamond couldn't
buy it. While I... I still have time. Pero asan ako? What did I choose?

I was wasting my time alone in this place, God knows where. Ni hindi ko alam kung
may natitira pang oras para sakin.

Finally, after a year of hiding... I decided to come home and face Alex. I was
ready to take his wrath. Lahat ng puwede niyang isumbat sakin, tatanggapin ko. Kasi
alam kong tatanggapin pa rin ako ni Alex. Jed told me he was looking for me
everywhere. He was waiting for me.  

Alex... I still believed his words. He wouldn't let me go. He would accept me and
he would stay beside me.

Or so I thought.

I was inside the house when I heard voices... arguing voices in the sitting room. I
recognized it was Alex's voice and his sister. Lexie.

What was Lexie doing here?

Their voices had been so raised that I hadn't been able to help myself from
listening.
Lexie's voice was a strident shriek of indignation. "I told you! Ilang beses ko ng
sinabi sayo na hindi kasing-inosente ang tingin mo sa babaeng iyon, Xander. She is
a gold-digger! At ano ang sinabi mo sakin? Pakakasalan mo siya at wala kang
pakialam dahil mahal mo siya! How pathetic. At ngayon hinahanap mo pa rin siya?
Gumising ka, Xander! Wala na siya! Hindi na babalik ang mukhang pera mong asawa!"

Alex's tone sent a shiver down my spine. "Don't tell me that."

Lexie's voice lowered dangerously, reeking of suspiciousness. "Tell me. Do you

still love her after what she did?"

I heard him laugh it sounded grim, "You think I do?"

"Then why are you still looking for her?"

Alex's tone turned icy, devoid of any emotions. "I need her for the annulment."

"Hindi mo siya mahahanap, Xander." Her voice was scathing and dripping with disdain
that I felt weak. "You think she'll show her face if she knew that?"

Their voices got lower, and I was too frozen to move, too shock, too hurt. And then
Alex's voice rose again. "She meant nothing more than a means to an end. She never
did and she never will. I don't care if she never came back. That has no bearing
how I am going to live my life. I will not be dictated by her misdemeanor. And I
will certainly not be dictated by you."

"You still think she'll come back and say she loves you? You are even worse,
Xander. I can't believe that good-for-nothing wife of yours truly trapped you
around her fingers." She finished tauntingly.

I couldn't believe what I was hearing.

Alex wanted an annulment?

That night, I ran away again. Tears blinded my eyes. I didn't care if it was near
midnight. All I wanted was to get away from there.

* * * * *

I believed him. I believed everything he said. But why? Bakit niya gustong magpa-
annul ng kasal?

I don't know what to do anymore. Ilang beses na ba akong nawalan ng pag-asa para
bumangon ulit? Ang labo na. Pakiramdam ko wala na akong silbi dito sa mundo. I've
never felt so alone and abandoned in my life, up until this day.

Day after day, the empty feeling I had was starting to swallow me whole. Until I
was sucked by a big blackhole.

I felt hopeless.. I felt like no ones going to save me. I felt so alone. Pati si
Alex wala na rin.

I asked God what was left for me? He gave me this. For what? Did He want me to
fight? To Live? For what purpose? If He gave me this fate... without Alex... then
I'd rather die.

If there's no one left for me here... then maybe... there would be someone waiting
for me on the other side.

 And for the first time, I felt relieved. I found the answer.

I would finally break free from this pain.

* * * * *

I woke up from a dream... and I found my self crying, again.

It was the same dream... the same face... the same man... pero ngayon, napaginipan
ko ang buhay na masaya kasama si Alex at ang isang batang kalong-kalong ko. It was
a happy dream. But I woke up crying. Because in reality, it was a sad dream.

Dahil sa panaginip na iyon, I saw and experienced a life I couldn't have.

Kung iyon lang din ang magiging panaginip ko gabi-gabi, I wouldn't dare open my
eyes again. If I could feel such happiness again with Alex dreaming, then I
wouldn't want to wake up anymore. I'd be like that princess who slept a long sleep
that only a true love's kiss could wake her.

I'd rather be Sleeping Beauty, only with no prince to save me.           
* * * * *

One day, I found my self staring at the distance.

Everything was colorless. Life seemed dull. The sun felt cold. The air felt heavy
in my lungs. Suddenly, I don't like breathing anymore... I don't want to wake up
again. I don't see life as a gift anymore. I see it as a long process of being
tired. I grew tired. I just... I wanted to end it all.

Hindi ako kumain nang gabing iyon. Wala akong gana. And it was just a breather Jed
was nowhere around.

I don't really know what I was doing. All I know was I was dialing Alex's number.

And then the ringing stopped.

"Hello?" the voice was gruff and irritable. Maybe I woke him up. It's eleven in the
evening after all.

"He―" I stopped when I heard a woman's voice.

"Xander, come back here. Let's go back to sleep."  

"It's okay Sav. I'll be in in a minute." the voices were mumbled but I could hear
it still. "Hello? Who's this?"

A tear escaped my eyes.

After a long moment of silence, he said, "F-faith? Is that you?"

I gripped the phone tighter before I turned the phone off.

Right then and there, I wanted to tell him so bad that it's me. But before I
totally betrayed myself, I remembered what he said. The name he mentioned just
then.

Pakiramdam ko, para akong tinarakan ng tranquilizer. I felt numb all over. I
couldn't feel anything... no pain... nothing.

I stood up and opened my drawer. I took the surgical knife Jed lost. I wasn't
planning on keeping it. I just didn't want to return it yet because I thought I
might use it one day. And that day had come.

After securing the lock on my door, I went to lock myself in the bathroom.

I faced the mirror and saw a girl... she was crying. Tears were rolling down her
eyes as she screamed something I couldn't hear.

I read her mouth. She said: Don't do it! Please...

I raised the knife in my hand and she started banging the mirror, screaming
louder... but I couldn't still hear her. It was as though my senses were numbed
too.

I turned around and abandoned that screaming girl. I opened the shower and let the
water sluiced harshly down on me, drenching me. Yet I didn't feel cold. And I
realized it's because I was already cold.

Standing became exhausting for me. So I sat down and leaned on the far corner of
room... and watched the glistening object in my hand.

This could free me... this could end the pain... this was what I needed...

Just then, I thought I heard my mom's voice. She was singing to me... the song she
always sings to lull me to sleep.

"Twinkle, twinkle little star. How I wonder what you are?..." I stared at my pale,
pale wrist. "Up above the world so high... Like a diamond in the sky..." I dug the
scalpel on my skin, and I still felt no pain. "Twinkle, twinkle little star..." I
dug a little harder now. "How I wonder what you are?..." blood started to spill and
pool around me and the water drained it away. Yet the blood continued to flow like
a waterfall. "Up above the world so high..." And all I could see was the blood
covering me. "Like a diamond... in the... sky..." I trailed and that slice of pain
woke me. I saw blood... everywhere. 

What have I done?!

Pain...

I could feel it again.

The pain... it was in every part of my body.

The world was tilting... I was starting to feel dizzy. I wanted to call Jed... for
help. But I grew tired, and weak. I felt weaker and weaker with every passing
second I sat there... and the blood just wouldn't stop!

Oh God! Alex...

Alex!

Help me, please...

━━━━━━  « ღ » ━━━━━━  

=================

Chapter ➋➃ | Corrupted

Chapter ➋➃ | Corrupted

I've been through hell. I've seen death. But life had to be so cruel to me. Because
it pulled me out from that spiraling darkness only to experience hollowness and
pain.  

I wished I died that night.

For so many months, years... I've always carried that guilt over my shoulders.
Guilt for doing such crime to my self. That guilt was so overwhelming it kept me
awake at night. Until it bordered to fear.

When I woke up, I went hysterical. I was shouting and screaming the whole place
down so they had to calm me down and isolate me for some time. And in my most lucid
moments, I could remember waking up on a bed, my arms and legs both tied up, and
alone in that empty room with white walls. And everytime I woke up that guilt
haunts me, chasing me like a beast.

I couldn't live like that. It nearly destroyed me.     

A psychiatrist told me it was a post-traumatic stress. That I was feeling that

survivor guilt because I wanted to die so desperately, but only I was kept alive.
And I thought she was right.

Each night, I faced that dream... that terrifying dream that I tried taking away my
life. It felt so real... tangible... raw. I knew they weren't dreams. They were
memories. Suppressed memories. And they haunted me for those past three years.
I couldn't even imagine telling that story to people. That was just so horrible and
humiliating. And I thought telling Emma that fearful night was going to change her
opinion of me. But only it didn't. She still accepted me.

And I guess telling her that ugly past was just the cure I was looking for.

I guess, I needed to share that story to someone who could understand me and lend
me strength. And Emma offered them. And more than anything, she helped me ease the
guilt I still held.

But she only knew half of the story.

* * * * *

Everything was not going well.

I've been here for a month now, and now, I only have four months left. Ni hindi ko
alam kung matatapos ko ba talaga ang apat na buwan na iyon. I just wanted to tell
Alex everything, but now, I don't know anymore. I don't know what to do anymore. 

I thought I would have that fighting chance, to have a chance with Alex again. I
thought I would earn his forgiveness. But it was all in vain. My hope, it was
crushed again after I left the resort. After that scene I witnessed.

Everytime I started to hope, it would come crashing down and leave me yearning.
Ilang ulit pa ba ako aasa?

Napapagod na ako.

Ilang araw na ang lumipas since the trip. And still, Alex wouldn't talk to me. He
wouldn't face me. Ni hindi na siya umuwi ng bahay. And with each passing day,
kinakain ako ng pagdududa.

It was the worst feeling. It was brutal.

Alam ko wala akong karapatang magduda, kahit na asawa pa rin niya ako. I gave up
that right to feel protective of him, to feel jealous... I gave up those rights the
moment I took off those rings. Para sa kanya, hindi na ako ang asawa niya. Para sa
kanya, isa lang akong babaeng naging bahagi ng nakaraan niya na kailangan niyang
ilibing.
Ayaw kong mag-isip ng masama. I don't want to feed this paranoia with more lies and
suspicions. I still want to believe in Alex.

But for how long?

I don't know.

* * * * *

 Naramdaman ko ang kalabit na iyon sa braso ko. Wala sa loob na napalingon ako.

"Hey, you okay?" nag-aalalang tanong ni Emma.

It has been a week since I told her about my scar. Imbis na husgahan niya ako, she
became ten times more protective of me. Walang palya ang tawag niya sakin. Lagi
niya akong kinukumusta, oras-oras sa araw-araw. At simula nong nalaman ni Emma ang
nangyari, she looks at me differently. Sometimes I would catch her looking at me
with a wistful eyes. 

Nandoon iyong pag-aalala, iyong takot... at awa.

What more if she knew the whole story?

Naramdaman ko ulit ang kalabit na iyon, and I remembered I didn't answer her yet.

I lifted my lips in an effort to conjure up a smile. "Just thinking." I said.

She sighed an audible sigh. "Kapag nakita ko talaga ang Xander na iyan, talagang
hahatiin ko ang panga non!"

"No need." I said, linking my arm to hers. "Hindi naman si Alex ang iniisip ko."

Nagtatakang tiningnan niya ako as we started walking. "Then whart are you pouting
for?"

Ikaw.

She sighed again. "Dinala kita rito para mag-unwind, pero parang hindi naman
tumatalab. Are you sure you don't want to talk about whatever that is?" dugtong
niya agad.

I looked around the dress shop we entered a several minutes ago. "You know dresses
do little to divert me, right?"
"And I hate books. So going inside a bookstore was not my idea of 'unwinding'."
Namimilog ang matang sinabi niya. "Just go and find a pair of jeans, or a new
dress. Or better yet, buy a new set of undies. That might surprise Alex. What do
you say?" she said grinning wickedly as her eyebrows moved up and down.

Natatawang pinalo ko ang braso niya. "Ikaw talaga, ang landi mo na ngayon."

"See? It's not that hard to smile and laugh, right? Kaya sige na. Treat yourself
out. You have the time in the whole world."

I wished that was true—that I have time. Lots of it. But that was just a wishful
thinking.

* * * * *

Iniwan na ako ni Emma. I glanced at my wrist watch. Twenty minutes na siyang wala
dahil may kailangan daw siyang i-meet na partner na gustong mag-franchise ng mga
recipe niya at hanggang ngayon ay wala pa siya. Mukhang inisip talaga niya na nag-
e-enjoy ako sa pagsa-shopping dahil hindi na niya naisip na isama ako sa meeting
nila.

Inabala ko na lang ang sarili ko mag-isa.

Sa men's section na ako napdpad sa kakalakad ko. Hindi ko na namalayang nakakalayo

na ako. My gaze stopped when something caught my eyes.   

It was a set of neck tie displayed so neatly in a row. Immediately, one person came
into my mind.

I used to buy stuff like this to him. Some years ago, another lifetime... another
chapter.

Gustong gusto kong binibilhan si Alex ng mga ganito. I just find it adorable when I
had to put it on him. Gusto kong ako ang nagsusuot nito sa kanya sa tuwing umaga na
naghahanda na siyang pumasok sa trabaho niya. I buy him jackets because I liked to
think it was me hugging him and keeping him warm when he's cold. I buy socks which
has cute designs on it para terno kaming dalawa and I remembered he used to feel
shy about it. Kasi baka daw makita ng mga officemate niya ang hitsura ng medyas
niya. Baka pagtawanan pa siya.

Napangiti ako sa mga alaalang iyon. They were one of those happy moments we had
shared. 

I absent-mindedly ran a finger into them.

I particularly liked one—the one with the white and blue stripe. Alex would like
it. It would suit him.

Pero bago ko pa mahawakan iyon, a hand seized it first and grabbed it out from the
row. I turned my head and saw Savannah. Unlike me, mukhang hindi siya nagulat na
makita ako roon. In fact, she was wearing that gibelike glint in her eyes.

A cunning smile spread across her face and made a surprised face. "What a
concidence!?" she turned her head towards me. "You're here! Kita mo nga naman, I
guess pareho nating alam ang taste ni Xander pagdating sa mga ganitong bagay."
Itinaas pa niya ang hawak niyang neck tie to make her point.

A ball of emotions tightened around my stomach when an intimate image of Alex and
her flashed across my mind.

Pinapagana ko na naman ang pagdududa ko, alam ko. But I just couldn't stop my
thoughts. Lalo na ngayon na nakikita ko si Savannah hawak-hawak ang neck tie na
iyon. Did she plan to give it to Alex?

Where was he? Alam ba niya kung nasaan si Alex?

Stop it, Faith!, sigaw ng isip ko.

Walang mangyayari kung mag-iisip ako ng ganoon ngayon.

"You don't mind if I buy this, do you?" sabi ni Savannah na ang tinutukoy ay ang
neck tie sa kamay niya. "Marami pa naman dito, so I'm sure you'll find one." She
decided, not waiting for my answer.

"Sige.." mahinang sabi ko para magpaalam. Wala naman akong balak talaga na bumili.
Napadaan lang ako. And standing here longer with Savannah was the least appealing
reason for me to stay. Hahanapin ko na lang si Emma. Sasabihin kong sa ibang lugar
na lang niya ako dalhin para makapag-unwind.

Now, drinking tons of wine and alcohol seemed more befitting prospect to me.

But before I could walk away, there was something about what she said that stopped
me from going.

"You're looking for him, do you?"

Lumingon ako sa kanya. I know she's talking about Alex. And for some reason, my
instinct told me she knew where was Alex. But I knew better not to ask. Kasi alam
kong iyon ang gusto niyang marinig sakin. Iyong ang gusto niyang mangyari—ang
magtanong ako sa kanya at magmukhang tanga. 
"You know, it was a huge surprise for me seeing you back after your three years of
disappearing act. Akala ko pa man din tuluyan ka ng mawawala sa buhay ni Xander."
She stated nonchalantly while tracing the tie with her fingers. "Sinabi ko na sayo
noon..."she stopped and looked at me again—in the eye. "Babawiin ko si Xander oras
na magkaroon ako ng pagkakataon."

Bumundol ang kaba sa dibdib ko. Her eyes spat fire as she looked at me hatefully.

"Kung alam ko lang na sasaktan mo siya ng ganon, sana hindi na lang ako umalis.
Sana pinigilan ko na ang kasal ninyo noon. I knew you were not meant for him.
Sinaktan mo lang si Xander. Iniwan mo siya. At hindi ka pa nakontento, bumalik ka
pa. I knew there's a reason I hated you from the first sight."    

I fought futilely for control. Was she threatening me? Ano ang karapatan niyang
sabihan ako ng mga ganong bagay? She was just another woman. I am the wife. Pero
kung makahusga siya...

Naikuyom ko ang mga kamay ko. Wala siyang alam.

"But then... I should thank you—for disappearing like that. Kasi at least,
tinulungan mo akong ipa-realize sa kanya na mali ang desisyon niyang pakasalan ka.
Dahil sa ginawa mo, nakilala niya ang tunay na ikaw." She continued.

I knew she was saying these to make me angry—and she was succeeding. Pero hinding
hindi ko ipapakita sa kanya na naapektuhan ako sa mga sinasabi niya. Getting angry
would mean I lose. And I don't want to give in. She could leak fire at me but hell,
I had burnt long time ago.

Hinarap ko siya ng maayos. "I appreciate Alex had a friend like you who stood
beside him through all these times. Masuwerte siya. Mahirap magkaroon ng kaibigang
handang maghintay kahit ilang taon. Hanga ako sayo, sa tatag mo. At nagpapasalamat
ako dahil don, dahil hindi mo siya iniwan kahit nong nawala ako. Pero huwag mo rin
sanang kakalimutang asawa pa rin niya ako. At kaibigan ka pa rin niya. There's a
thick line between the two, at alam kong hindi ka bobo para hindi malaman iyon. But
don't you think you're pushing too far?"

I watched her lips twitch in anger. I knew rubbing those words to her would be like
rubbing salt into a wound. It stung. Kailangan kong diinan kung ano pa rin ako sa
buhay ni Alex. If Alex thought that this woman would be a greater wife prospect for
him to replace me with, it's his decision. But as long as I'm here, Alex would have
to learn to wait. So does her.

Pero mukhang mas nagalit pa siya sakin dahil sa mga sinabi ko. Kaya hindi ko
napaghandaan ang sunod niyang sinabi. "Oh, right. Asawa ka nga pala. Pero hindi ba
ang asawa, inuuwian?"

I couldn't hide the pained expression broke through my eyes. And she caught it.
She smirked, triumph glittered in her eyes. "I assume you're just dying to know
where Alex is. Kung saan siya natutulog gabi-gabi. Who's he with? Sino ang kasama
niyang kumakain... sino ang nagpapawala ng stress niya." She tilted her head to one
side. "Not curious, are you?"

Hindi ako makapagsalita. Alam niya. Alam niya kung nasan si Alex. And she was
clearly insinuating something...         

Was she telling me that what I think was true?

Was Alex spending every night with her? Kaya ba hindi na siya umuuwi sa bahay?

"Cat got your tongue?" ngumiti na siya ng malapad ngayon. She knew she had me
hooked around her finger. She knew where to poke her sharp finger nails. And she
was digging hard on it. "Yes, you maybe his wife. Pero alam nating dalawa na
hanggang sa papel lang iyon. And when that five months you begged for comes to an
end, Xander will be a free man again. Your marriage will be nonexistent. And you...
you will be gone. Kaya kung ako sayo... lubus-lubusin mo na ang pagiging asawa mo—
while I continue staying beside him."

━━━━━━  « ღ » ━━━━━━ 

=================

Chapter ➋➄ | Moment of Destruction

Chapter ➋➄ | Moment of Destruction

All the time Alex and I were married, I've never doubted him. I've always trusted
him. I believed everything he says.

It was all because I love him.

And I knew he loved me too and he was scared to hurt me.

I knew I shouldn't believe what Savannah said. Alam ko naman na gusto lang niyang
saktan ako. Sinabi lang niya ang mga iyon para gawing miserable ang buhay ko. Alam
ko.

But I still believed her.

How could I not when all the answers were glaringly right in front of me? Pati ang
limang buwang palugid na hiningi ko bago ko pirmahan ang annulment papers na iyon
alam niya.

I tried  hard—really hard to listen to reasons, to hold on to that trust, to

believe Alex and his vow of faithfulness. Pero ang hirap...

My mind was fed up... my heart was numbed... I felt tired fighting my own self... I
was exhausted... fighting this endless battle.

* * * * *

I didn't know what happen.

I just woke up from that intense jarring pain in my head, cracking my skull open.

Madilim pa rin. But there was something wrong with my eyes. Malabo ang paningin ko.
Hindi ako makakita ng maayos.

Napadaing ako sa kirot. The pain was too much. Parang gusto kong iuntog na lang sa
pader ang ulo ko para mawala na ang sakit. Pakiramdam ko, nabibiyak na ang ulo ko.

I need help.

Sa naghihikaos na hininga, pinilit kong gumalaw para bumaba ng kama. I remembered

where my phone was—and I cursed. Kailangan ko pang tumayo para kunin iyon sa
tukador.

Hindi ko na makita kung saan ako aapak, and I stumbled off the bed. I tried to
stand, clutching my head hard with both hands, as if that could relieve the
pressure building and squeezing my head. Only it didn't. The pain only got
worst.      

And it only got worser every time I move a muscle.

Pawisan na ako nang maabot ko ang tukador at makapa ko ang cell phone ko. I prayed
hard na sana ma-connect ko iyong tawag, at masagot iyon. I felt dying.

Nakadalawang ring lang iyon nang may sumagot.

"Faith?"

Napapikit ako ng mata, feeling slightly relieved. "J-jed." It came out hoarse.
"Jed, I need help." God, the pain! The pain was killing me!

"What's wrong?"

"Jed... hurry..." I sucked on a breath as I felt my stomach clenching. I felt sick,

and my head was exploding.

"Where are you?"

I dropped the phone as I blindly searched for the bathroom. But I was too late.

I puked all over the floor.

Naramdaman ko ang medyo pagluwag ng sakit ng ulo ko. Kaya nagsuka lang ako ng
nagsuka. And when there was nothing left, darkness consumed my senses.

Ang boses na lang ni Jed ang huli kong narinig bago bumigay na ng tuluyan ang
katawan ko.

* * * * *

Jed was doing his final round when he received a call.

He frowned. He remembered turning it off before doing the rounds. Mabuti na lang at
nasa huling pasyente na siya.

"Excuse me." sabi niya sa mga kasamahan niya. They all nodded their agreement.

Something cold ran up his spine at the sight of Faith's name flashing on his phone.
He felt chilled.

Mabilis na sinagot niya iyon. "Faith?" he held his breath.

"J-jed." His heart clenched at the sound of her voice. She sounded hoarse, almost
breathless. "Jed, I need help." There was the unmistakable urgency in her voice. 

Nag-unahan ang kabog sa dibdib niya. "What's wrong?" nakita niya ang concern sa
mukha ng mga kasamahan niya. He knew his face said it all.  

"Jed... hurry..." pahina na nang pahina ang boses nito. He could hear her ragged
breathing.

"Where are you?" nagmadali siyang sumenyas sa mga kasamahan niya na tumawag ng
rescue medics. Noon siya nakarinig ng kalabog. "Faith?" walang sumagot, but he
could hear someone... vomiting..? Sinubukan ulit niyang tawagin ito. "Faith? Are
you there?" natataranta na siya, but he ignored that rising panic claiming him. He
had to keep calm.

Binigay niya ang address ni Faith sa kasamahan niyang tumawag. "They're on their
way." sabi nito.   

He ran all the way to his car, still holding the phone against his ear. He have to
reach her fast. "Faith, naririnig mo ba ako? Stay with me, okay? I'll be right
there. Just stay still." Hindi na niya alam ang mga sinasabi niya. All he knew was
the wretched sound he could hear on the other line. Something must be wrong with
her. Very wrong.

And then he heard a thud.

He went still. His hands clenched on the driving wheel. Wala na siyang marinig sa
kabilang linya. Even the groaning and the purging sound stopped.

He dropped the phone and stepped on the accelerator forcefully, driving as fast as
he could. Kung pwede lang niyang paliparin itong sasakyan niya, he would. He didn't
care if the police chase him. He would race them until he get to her. And God, help
him, but he was going insane!

By the time he came, wala pa ang mga medics. Mabilis na kumatok siya sa pintuan. He
was on the verge of breaking it down when someone opened it.

Inaantok pa siyang pinagbuksan ng matandang kasambahay nila at walang sali-salitang

pumasok siya sa loob at tinakbo ang kuwarto ni Faith. Naririnig niya ang pagpipigil
sa kanya ng matanda sa likuran niya pero wala siyang pakialam. He needed to save
Faith.

And then, there she was. 

He felt his world crush at the sight of her, lying lifeless on the floor.

He saw this before, too many times. But it still had him bowled over.  

"Diyos ko po! Faith! Anak!" the old woman gasped behind him and ran after her. Sa
paligid nila, umalingawngaw ang ingay ng sirena. The medics came. Noon lang niya
napakawalan ang hiningang pigil-pigil niya.
* * * * *

Jed stayed with Faith in the ambulance. He held her ice cold hands between his as
he uttered a silent prayer. He looked at her face. May oxygen mask na nakatakip sa
bibig at ilong nito. She looked so pale he thought blood drained out of her. Lalong
humigpit ang hawak niya sa kamay nito, suddenly scared to lose her.   

Dumating na ba ang araw na pinakakatakutan niya?

No. His father wouldn't fail her. He wouldn't fail him. Alam niyang gagawin ng
Daddy niya ang lahat mailigtas lang si Faith. Kahit sa pangalawang pagkakataon. He
couldn't fail both of them.

* * * * *

A few tiring hours later, Jed found himself sitting beside Faith's bed. She was
still unconscious. Kanina ay nagising ito pagdating nila sa emergency room. She's
been in and out. Pero saglit lang iyon. Muli na naman itong nawalan ng malay at
hindi na ulit pa nagising hanggang sa na-transfer na ito sa isang suit room.

He wished she was awake right now, so he could see that eyes again. He hated
feeling like this—helpless. Kahit na isa siyang doctor, hindi pa rin niya hawak ang
buhay ng tao.

But he wished he could at least save hers.

Ilang ulit na ba niyang nakitang ganito si Faith?

Ilang bese na. At palagi na lang siyang nawawalan ng silbi. He shouldn't be a

doctor. Dahil kahit ang taong pinakamamahal niya, hindi niya magawang iligtas. Ni
hindi niya napigilan ang pagtangka nitong bawiin ang sariling buhay nito noon.

That night...

He should've been with her that night. He knew she would do it. Doctor siya. Sana,
napigilan niya. But fate had its way. At  magpahanggang ngayon, he still blamed
himself for what happened.

What if hindi niya ito naabutan nong gabing iyon? What if he was a minute late when
he found her?
He thought he couldn't revive her. Marami na ang dugong nawala sa kanya noon. But
he tried. Kahit halos maputol na niya lahat ng ribs nito sa pag-C-CPR rito, he
didn't stop until he made her heart pump again, until he heard her breath.

Sa mga oras na iyon, ang akala niya tumigil na ang pag-ikot ng mundo. Hindi niya
alam kung ano ang gagawin niya once he lose her. He would've traded his life with
her if only it was possible. 

He was so scared.

But Faith held on. For some reason, she fought it. 

He knew she hated him for saving her. But he couldn't lose her. He just couldn't.

Ang akala niya, matagal na niyang naibaon ang nararamdaman niya para kay Faith. But
it only seemed to be growing in her absence. Mas lalo niya itong minahal nang hindi
niya namamalayan hanggang sa nakita niya ito sa clinic na tinayo ng mga magulang
niya sa isang liblib na probinsya.

How could he forget his eight years of unrequited love? Hindi madaling makalimutan
iyon. Not for him.

He knew he should forget about her and give up the moment Paul Alexander stepped
in. He saw how she smiled at him—the kind of smile he never saw she gave him. Many
times in his life, he wished he could have a glimpse of that smile—that she would
look at him and smile at him like that.

Pero kahit na hanggang ngayon habang tinititigan niya ang mukha ni Faith na
nakahiga sa hospital bed na iyon, hindi pa rin natutupad ang kahilingan niya.

But despite that, he couldn't help feeling a little bit happy that she chose to
trust him about her secret that she kept to Alexander for over three years until
now. Kahit na nagi-guilty siya kung minsan, masaya pa rin siya. He was glad that
for once, she chose him over Alexander.

And because of that, he took an oath that he would take care of her as long he have
her... as long as she breathes.

He would do everything to keep her safe... and to keep her alive.

━━━━━━  « ღ » ━━━━━━ 

=================
Chapter ➋➅ | Almost Gone

Chapter ➋➅ | Almost Gone

Napahawak sa ulo niya si Alex nang maramdamang may pumitik sa sentido niya.

He was so damn frustrated right now. And mad. And confused.

Ilang araw na ba siyang nagkulong sa opisina niya at hindi na nakauwi ng bahay

nila? Tatlo? Lima?

It's been a week since he left the resort—without her. Pero hanggang ngayon, nandon
pa rin ang hindi nawawalang kirot dito... dito sa sa loob ng dibdib niya. It's as
if the scars she left three years ago was reopening again, lacerating him again.

Was he getting soft? Was he letting her manipulate him again? Was he?

No. He was not.

He was just hopelessly looking for a faint light of chance... a chance that all the
impossibilities might be possible—for him and for her to be together again.

He thought he was ready to listen then, that night at the resort. That he would let
her raise her case and listen to what she had to say, to close all those painful
and hateful memories behind them. He thought he could give her a chance. God! He
was willing enough to give them a fighting chance.

But how could she flip everything with just one lie? Hadn't she had enough?

Hindi siya naghintay at naghirap ng tatlong taon para lang marinig at paniwalaan
ang mga kasinungalingang iyon. Trying to tell him that she was sick and dying was
too much. And even if she was telling the truth, how could Faith leave him? Hindi
ba siya kayang pagkatiwalaan nito para umalis ito ng ganon? Did she think he
wouldn't support her, take care of her?

Did she think of him so low?

For God's sake! He was her husband! And she knew how much he loved her then. But
she still chose to ran away and hide from him. Who does that? 

Lalo pa yatang sumakit ang ulo niya sa mga pinag-iisip niya. He grabbed his can of
beer and drown it down, burning his throat. Nakakalimang lata na siya but it was
still not enough to push away those thoughts. He wished they could numb him all the
way to his toes. Only they didn't.

His glance moved downwards and his hands unwillingly pulled the drawer open. Mula
doon kinuha niya ang isang nakatagong larawang matagal na niyang ibinaon doon. He
pulled it out and flipped it back. His heart melted down at the sight of a woman
with her warm smile, shining beautiful eyes... 

It was the face of the woman he kept dreaming about. The face he couldn't forget
even when she was gone. The face he once loved.

His wife.

Kahit na anong subok niyang kalimutan si Faith, kahit na anong subok niyang iwasan
ito, she's still there like a tattoo branded on his mind, burning in his blood. He
wanted to believe Lexie so bad—that his wife was unfailthful, a gold-digger... but
deep down in his wretched heart, he knew the truth.

Even if he was willing to believe the worst of her, that he was wrong judging her
character from the beginning, he knew his wife more than anyone.

And that was the hardest part to accept—that despite of it all, the fact still
remains that Faith chose to leave him even if he believed her.   

He suddenly slammed the picture face down trying to shutdown that blooming pain in
his chest. Tumayo na rin siya at hinaklit ang jacket na ipinatong niya sa likuran
ng upuan niya. He needed some fresh air to clear up the fog clouding his head. He
didn't bother cleaning up his table. Who cares anyway if it was as messy as a rat
hole? He just wanted to leave now. To forget about everything and burry his head
off somewhere where he couldn't be reminded of her.

He grabbed another can of beer on his table and headed towards the door.

Sa bahay na muna ni Billy siya nakikituloy at nagpapalipas ng gabi. Ngayong may-

asawa ng tao ang kaibigan niya, hindi na nito nagagamit ng madalas ang pad nito. So
he was too eager to use it for a while, just up until he fixed his damn scattered
brain—and when he's ready to face Faith again. Spending too much time with her was
wrecking havoc inside his head. Especially that kiss... he's been out of his
league.

Definitely not after that damn kiss.

Napainom na naman siya. It wouldn't do him any good if he keeps on training his
mind on that particular memory. Because thinking of that night, remembering Faith
dancing so happy and free under that rain was conjuring some strong emotions inside
him that he didn't want to entertain. At least not now.    

Ipinasok niya ang susi sa igniton nang marinig niyang tumunog ang cellphone niya. 
His brow furrowed at the name of the caller. Home.

It was three in the morning. Why would they call him at this hour? 

De ja vu struck him. 

This happened three years ago.

He willed down that suspicious feeling and stamped down on it. It must be the work
of alcohol and the sleepless nights that was making him nervous all of a sudden.
Isang tawag lang naman iyon. Wht could be more damaging with just one phone call?

Huminga muna siya ng malalim bago sinagot ang tawag. "Nay? May problema po ba?" he
asked immediately. Alam niyang si Nay Julia lang ang tatawag sa kanya sa ganitong
oras.

"Diyos ko, Xander! Mabuti't gising ka." he recognized the palpable panic in her
voice.

"Nay. May nangryari ba diyan?" he asked calmly even as he felt the fear crawling
beneath his skin.

"Si Faith... ang asawa mo..." she trailed.

"What happened to her?" udyok niya rito. All of a sudden he felt awake. The fear in
her voice was enough to tell him that something was wrong. Strangely, the image of
her scar flickered through his mind.

"Sinugod siya sa hospital kanina. Hindi ko alam. Bigla na lang na dumating dito
iyong doctor na kaibigan niya at iyong ambulansya..."  

F*ck!

Hindi na niya narinig ang mga sunod-sunod na sinabi ni Nay Julia sa telepono. He
just stopped listening after the word 'hospital'.  He felt something clenched his
gut and knew it was fear.

"Saang hospital siya dinala?" tanong niya.

Agad niyang pinatay ang telepono nang marinig niya ang pangalan ng hospital.
Adrenaline poured over his body, blood rushed through his system as he stepped on
the gas. 

All the while, pictures of Faith was playing inside his head...
Faith with her smile...

Faith with her beautiful angelic face...

Faith dancing under the pouring rain... 

Something clenched his heart. He was reminded of how painful it was when he came
home and found it empty... how hurt he was when he found her gone.

What if she was telling him the truth? What if she really was dying?

What if...  

* * * * *

Hindi na niya pinark ng maayos ang kotse pagdating niya sa hospital. He stepped out
of his car and ran inside the emergency room, his heart pounding hard. Tinanong
niya kaagad ang isang babaeng nurse na nakasalubong niya.    

"You can go, Ms. Daniel. Ako na ang bahala sa kanya." Someone said behind the nurse
instead of her.

Tumabi ang nurse at noon niya nakita ang isang pamilyar na mukha.

What was Jed doing here?

The stethoscope hanging around his neck answered his question.

Jed was a doctor?

He reeled. Lalo lang nadaragdagan ang mga katanungan sa utak niya.

"Follow me." Sabi nito.

Nag-igting ang bagang ni Alex, pero pinilit niyang palagpasin iyon. He was here to
find Faith. Kung alam ng lalaking ito kung nasaan ito, then he would set aside the
fierceness of his anger subjected to this man.

Tahimik lang na sinundan niya ito. They took the elevator. The tension was tangible
in the air. Pero mas magaling ang lalaking ito na umaktong parang normal lang ang
lahat. He'd give him that.
He recognized they were heading to the suit rooms.

Hindi niya alam kung magagalit siya o magpapasalamat na may umasikaso sa asawa niya
habang wala siya. But he hadn't had time to evaluate his feelings because suddenly
Jed's steps halted, facing a closed door.

His heart stopped for a moment as he read the name outside that door.

Lady Faith Smith

Hindi na niya namalayang inaabot na pala niya ang door knob ng pintuan nang pigilan
siya ni Jed.

"Before you see her, I need to ask you something."

Humigpit ang hawak niya sa door knob. Honestly, he just wanted to go inside and see
her and damn those words he was going to ask. But he reined his temper and
controlled his splitted emotions.

"Tungkol saan?" he asked instead. Tumayo siya ng maayos at hinarap si Jed. 

"About Faith's condition." Seryosong sagot nito.

Kumunot ang noo niya. "What about it?"

"Have you noticed some strange things happening with her?"

Saglit na nag-isip si Alex. Naalala niya ang mga araw na lagi daw itong pagod sabi
ni Nay Julia, noong araw na nahimatay ito sa birthday party ng pamangkin niya.
Lahat iyon sinabi niya kay Jed.

"Hindi ba sumakit ang ulo niya, o nagsuka..." he asked further.

"As far as I could remember, wala akong napansin at wala din siyang sinabi." He
silently cursed himself for not asking. Of course, Faith wouldn't tell him. She
never told him anything unless he asked. Kahit pa noon, hindi ito nagsasalita dahil
ayaw nitong nag-aalala siya.

"Well, sa ngayon, kailangan pa namin siyang isa-ilalim sa maraming test to confirm

the diagnosis. But so far, with these little informations we have, medyo
mahihirapan pa kaming magsabi kung ano talaga ang kalagayan niya. But we'll try our
best to pull it out."  Namulsa ito at huminga ng malalim. "She's still unconscious
now. But she'll wake up soon. Her body needs rest. At kung puwede, bantayan mo siya
ng maigi. As close as possible."

Hindi nakalusot sa pandinig ni Alex ang babala sa boses ng doctor. Was there
anything he needed to know about his wife?

Tinawag niya si Jed nang magtangka itong tumalikod at umalis. "What happened?"
There were so many things he needed to know, but for now, he just wanted to know
what happened to her. Bakit ito sinugod sa hospital?

He suddenly looked tired. "I don't exactly know what happened. Ang alam ko lang,
tinawagan niya ako asking for help. She sounded so bad. Pagdating ko sa bahay
ninyo, she was already unconscious. I suspect she threw up before she pass out."
saglit itong nag-alinlangan. "Are you sure she never showed sign of..."

Alex caught the conflict in his eyes. Was Jed hiding something from him?     

"Nevermind. You can go inside. I'll update you if anything comes out." Tapos ay
nagpaalam na ito at umalis.

He wanted to ask him about it but he deciede to let it go, for now. May mas
kailangan siyang gawin ngayon.

Hindi niya napansin ang panginginig ng mga kamay niya nang mga sandaling iyon
hanggang sa inabot niya ang siradura ng pintuan. The alcohol seemed to take its
toll on him now.

Unti-unti niyang binuksan ang pintuan, feeling... frightened and apprehensive.

And that's when he saw her...

He staggered on his feet and felt his heart contracted at the sight of her, lying
on a wide bed with white surrounding her.

Tapos biglang may bumulong sa paligid niya... Paano kung nagsasabi ng totoo si
Faith? Paano kung totoong muntik na itong mawala sa kanya noon?

He ruthlessly crushed that thought immediately.

God! He wanted to get out of the room and run away. But he couldn't. He just
couldn't fight himself. He needed to see her, touch her, and feel her heart
beating. He needed to know she was still breathing. Iyon ang kailangan ng puso niya
kahit na iba ang gusto niyang gawin.

As he stood there, looking down at the lifeless form of her... he suddenly

remembered what Jed said earlier... I don't exactly know what happened. Ang alam ko
lang, tinawagan niya ako asking for help. She sounded so bad...

Even when she was suffering from pain, she didn't think of him. Ni hindi nito
naisip na tawagan siya. Instead, ibang tao pa ang hiningan nito ng tulong.

Does that make him a bad person?

Yes. He maybe made a decision to make her pay for her actions before... make her
suffer... make her realize that what she did was not forgiveable... but he didn't
want this to happen.

Masama na ba siyang tao?

Faith... wake up. Marami ka pang kailangang sabihin sakin. I know I should have
listened to you that night kahit na hindi pa ako handa. But I was a coward. Hindi
ko kayang tanggapin ang paliwanag mo. Not when I suffered for those three long
years just to listen for those reason.

He hesitantly reached for her hand, and he almost cowered from fear when he felt
how cold and clammy it was. It was as if he was holding a dead body.

But now, I'm here. I'm ready. And this time... I will listen to whatever you have
to say. Just please... open your eyes. I'll be waiting. 

━━━━━━  « ღ » ━━━━━━ 

=================

Chapter ➋➆ | Grenade

Chapter ➋➆ | Grenade

I could smell it—the smell of impending doom. The smell of death.

Ang amoy na 'to... alam ko kung nasan ako. Kahit na hindi ko imulat ang mga mata
ko, alam ko kung ano ang makikita ko. Kaya kung ako ang papipiliin, I'd rather
close my eyes and pretend I'm unconscious than face my nightmare again.

Pero talagang malupit ang tadhana.

"Faith." Narinig kong may tumatawag sakin. I knew whose voice it belong to. It was
Jed. At lalo lang akong nakaramdam ng galit. Why did he have to bring me here?

I suddenly stopped.

What happened?  Bakit ako nandito?

Sinubukan kong alalahanin ang mga nangyari.

The pain... Pinakiramdaman ko ang sarili ko. Ang ulo ko. And I noted nothing. I was
fine. Yet I could still feel that searing pain breaking my skull. It was so
unbearable I never wanted to feel that again.

But why do I feel like I would?

"Faith?" Jed called again, this time he was pressing my shoulders.

And then, my eyes opened. Half afraid that I couldn't see. But I could see Jed's
face. Clearly.

Kahit paano, nawala saglit ang galit at takot ko. Nagawa kong huminga ng maayos.

He broke into a grateful smile. Nakita ko sa mga mata niya ang bakas ng pag-aalala.
Hindi ko napigilang makaramadam ng guilt sa kaisipang pinag-alala ko na naman siya.

"How are you feeling?" magaang tanong niya.

"Fine." I croaked out. Medyo paos pa ang boses ko. But I was feeling fine.

Bumalik kaagad ang takot nang bigla siyang gumalaw.

Was he going to leave me here alone?

Hindi ko napigilang hawakan ang puting roba niya para pigilan siya. Gulat na
napatingin si Jed sa kamay ko na nakahawak sa damit niya. At lumambot iyon nang
binalingan niya ako. I knew he could see the fear in my eyes.

"Someone's here for you." Sabi niya habang tinatanggal niya ang kamay ko sa damit
niya. Just then, he looked somewhere behind him. Tapos ay bumalik ang tingin niya
sakin. "It's okay. Just push that red button if anything happens, okay?"

But I was still anxious to let him go. And he knew it. "You'll be fine. I promise."
Sabi niya at sabay talikod na.
Just then, I saw someone standing near the window. My chest tightened when I
realized who he was.

What was Alex doing here?

I remembered the past days. How I waited for him. How he never stayed at home. The
doubts that was killing me everyday. Everything that Savannah said.

They were brutal.

Ilang araw na ba siyang hindi nagpakita sakin?

Pain squeezed my chest.

Bakit ngayon pa siya nagpakita? I don't need him to show up now.

Humarap si Alex sakin. "Hi." He said, almost reluctantly. "Maayos na ba ang

pakiramdam mo? You've been unconscious for almost ten hours."

Ten hours. Bakit niya alam? Did he stay and wait for me to wake up? Kelan pa niya
nalaman ang nangyari?

So ito lang pala ang hinihintay niya para umuwi siya at magpakita sakin?

"I'm fine." I gritted out. Honestly, I really want to hate him right now.

"The doctors ran some tests while you're asleep. So for now, kailangan pa nating
magstay dito ng ilang araw para hintayin ang mga resulta so we could know what was
wrong."

Stay here for a few days? God, no. 

"No!" he was surprised, his eyebrow twitched at my repulsion. And I don't care even
for a bit. I could feel the starting wave of panic but I tried to clam down. "I
don't want to stay here. Gusto kong umuwi." Matigas na sabi ko. Staying another
minute in this place would lead me to my death.

Alex sighed. He stared at me for seconds, his face was turning grim. "Don't defy
the doctor's order, Faith. Kapag sinabi nilang kailangan, kailangan. You will stay
here until the diagnosis is made." Mariing sabi ni Alex. But I would have none of
it.

He moved forward. I knew he was trying to intimidate me agian by his presence and
his height, but I wouldn't allow him. Not this time. I refused to cower back.

"Kaibigan ko ang doctor. Jed will understand if I choose not to stay. And don't
bother waiting for the results. What is it to you anyway?" naiinis na sabi ko.
Hindi niya ba maintindhan?

Of course he wouldn't. 

He crossed his arms and regarded me intently. "You're my wife, so needless to say,
I am responsible for your health. And as your husband, I can't let you leave. You
will stay here and we we'll wait for the result." it was that tone again. Saying I
couldn't do anything about it.

Parang pukpok ng martilyo ang bawat salita niya sa pandinig ko. Para akong binabaon
ng buhay.

"Alex, don't do this. Hindi mo ba naiintindihan? Hindi ko kayang magtagal dito.

Kailangan kong umalis dito at umuwi. You have to let me go." I said, almost
pleading.

Nag-isang linya ang mga kilay niya. "Why are you so afraid? You're safe here. Nasa
hospital tayo. Hindi ka pababayaan ng mga doctor dito. And Jed. You said he's your
friend. Kaya hindi ka niya pababayaan."

Safe? Alam ba niya kung ano ang nangyayari sakin sa tuwing nasa ganitong lugar ako?
This place was scaring me to death!

Nakita ko siyang gumalaw. He turned around and headed to the door.

What? Was he leaving me again? Iiwan lang niya ako dito ng mag-isa? Aalis na naman
siya at hindi magpapakita?

The room swirled.

Oh no. No.This can't be happening.       

I could feel the panic building again. And this ime, I couldn't stop it. There was
nothing that could stop it.

The fear was consuming me, my whole body started to tremble. Cold sweat broke out
of my skin, my forehead, and my palms. My lungs felt tight, sqeezing for some air.

God, I couldn't breathe!           

"Alex..." I called out but it was just not enough. "...get me out of here."

I looked for Alex but all I could see was the white walls surrounding me,
throttling me, suffocating me. Terror was gripping me. And I couldn't fight it. 

"Alex!" I called out, a little louder this time.

I sucked in a breath. Come on... breath, breath! Utos ko sa baga ko na patuloy pa

rin sa pagsikip. 

"Faith!"

Si Alex.

"Faith, calm down. What's happening?" naramadaman ko ang paghawak niya sa balikat
ko.

"Alex... take me home. Ayoko rito. Gusto kong umuwi. Ayoko rito—"

"Faith! Faith!" I could hear him shouting, but I was too scared. I couldn't stop
until I got out of this place. This place scares me. I felt like dying again.

"No! Hindi mo ako naiintindihan! Ayoko sabi rito! Ayoko rito! Ayoko!!!"

"Faith! Stop it! Calm down, it's okay!" Niyuyugyog na ako ni Alex. But I couldn't
stop. I couldn't stop.

And then I felt him pulling me against him and suddenly, I felt his warmth bathing
me, surrounding me... easing away the coldness closing around me. "It's okay...
it's okay. I'm here. It's okay." His words... they soothed me. And I felt the
tremors subsided, leaving my body.

Naramdaman kong hinawakan niya ang mukha ko, forcing me to look at him. "Look at
me.." I looked at him. "Okay... now breath. Breath with me." He inhaled, and I did
the same. Sinabayan ko siya sa paghinga niya. "Good. That's good. Keep going."
Huminga ulit ako ng malalim.

I could feel something loosen inside me. Pati dibdib ko unti-unti na ring lumuwag.
I could breath again.

I knew, the worst part was over.

Tinanggal ni Alex ang mga kamay niya sa mukha ko para kunin ang mga kamay ko. He
looked worried and... scared? "We need to disinfect this before it get worse."
What was he...

I saw blood around me, blood on the bed sheet, and tiny splatter of blood stains on
the wall... and on my hands. The blood was still dripping from my hands... at
narealize ko na tinannggal ko na pala ang IV tube na nakakabit sa kamay ko dahil sa
paghihisterya ko.

Pinindot ni Alex and red button. Maya-maya ay humahangos na nagsidatingan ang mga
nurses sa loob ng kwarto ko, kasama si Jed.

He looked stunned at the mess I created.

"What happened?" tanong nito habang pinaglipat-lipat ang tingin nito samin ni Alex.
His eyes stopped to me.

"She's bleeding." Tipid na sagot ni Alex. His face grim.  

Sumenyas si Jed sa isang nurse roon para gamutin ang sugat ko. Maya-maya ay
nakabenda na ang kamay ko habang kalmado namang naka-upo sina Jed at Alex sa
kaharap kong upuan. We were strangely quiet for the whole time the nurse was
treating my wound.

Nang makaalis na ang nurse ay saka pa nagaslita si Alex. "Is it possible if I take
her home? Doon na lang namin hihintayin ang resulta ng tests niya. And if you need
another series of tests, sa bahay na lang kayo pumunta. I couldn't risk another
hysterics if she stayed here. Baka kung ano pa ang mangyari sa kanya." 

Alex sounded so concerned. What for? He didn't came home for almost a week, ni
hindi niya ako kinumusta after the trip.

Hindi siya umuuwi at sa ibang bahay pa siya natutulog. Ni hindi niya alam na halos
mabaliw ako sa pag-iisip.

Pagkatapos heto siya... acting like he give a damn about me?

I don't need him or his pity. Kahit iyang pag-aalala niya... hindi ko kailangan. He
was too late. Siya naman ang dahilan kaya ako nandito. Kung bakit ko ginustong
mawala nang gabing iyon... everything was all because of him. And he never knew
that—hanggang ngayon.

* * * * *

Tinalon ko na ang pintuan ng kotse at lumabas kahit na hindi pa iyon humihinto nang
makarating kami ng bahay.   
That was how I badly wanted to get away from Alex.

Natatakot ako na baka kung ano pa ang masabi ko sa kanya. My emotions right now was
so raw. Pagkatapos ng nangyari sa hospital... Everything was just on the surface. I
felt edgy and irrational... and angry. It was like there was something provoking me
to explode just to ease this heaviness in my chest.

I have to calm down and be in control. Pero hindi ko magagawa iyon kapag kasama ko
si Alex. He would trigger the bomb ticking inside me.

"Faith."

I heard him calling, pero pumasok pa rin ako sa loob ng bahay. Talking to him was
the last thing on my mind right now.

"Faith, stop." He called again once we're inside.

My feet slowed down until it turned to a halt. Nasa harap na ako ng kuwarto ko pero
nakasunod pa rin siya sakin. Wala siguro siyang balak na tumigil hanggang hindi
niya nasasabi kung anuman iyang gusto niyang sabihin, kaya minabuti ko nang harapin
siya.

"We need to talk." He said.

You know what was ridiculous about our situation? For days since I came back, ito
lang ang gusto kong gawin—ang makausap siya. And he never gave me a chance. Now, he
suddenly wanted us to talk?

Pasensya na pero hindi ko lang maiwasang mamangha sa mga nangyayari sakin. This was
just so ironic.

I dragged a hand through my hair, feeling seriously tired. "Not now, Xander. I
can't do this. I'm tired. Can we just do this tomorrow?"

Medyo nag-alinlangan pa siya. "Fine. You take a rest tonight. Then we'll talk
tomorrow."

Paalis na siya nang hindi ko napigilan ang bibig ko. "Why now?" I suddenly blurted
out. Hell, whatever. I just wanted to know. "I've been trying to talk to you ever
since I came back. I begged you to talk to me and listen. So what changed?" 

I met his silence. "You know what, just forget it. It's no big deal." I guess I
could never find him out.
I started to open my room when I heard him say something. Hinarap ko uli siya.

"I'm ready." He said. "I'm ready to listen."

Somewhere inside me, his words hit a raw spot.

Ito iyon. Iyong matagal ko ng hinintay na sabihin niya. Na makikinig na siya sa

lahat ng paliwanag ko at maniniwala siya sa mga sasabihin ko.

Pero bakit ganito? Bakit hindi ako masaya? Bakit ang bigat pa rin ng dibdib ko?

I could feel this irrational feeling growing more. "Bakit ngayon ka pa nagpakita,
Xander?" I felt like a grenade ready to detonate. I couldn't contain it anymore. I
have to get it out, or else, I would explode and break loose. "Hindi mo naman
kailangang bumalik e. You could've stayed where you were hiding. Pinabayaan mo na
sana ako katulad ng ginagawa mo. Hinayaan mo na dapat ako sa hospital na iyon. I
survived those three years without you and I can now. Hindi ko kailangan ng kahit
ano mula sayo."

Sumisikip iyong dibdib ko. I wasn't panicking. Alam ko.

It was him. Alex was doing this to me.

"Tanggap ko naman e. Tanggap ko iyang galit na nararamdaman mo sakin dahil sa

kasalanan ko—" kung kasalanan mang matatawag iyon. "Pero bumalik ako at nagmakaawa
na tanggapin mo ulit ako. Na bigyan mo ako ng isa pang pagkakataon para humingi ng
tawad. Kahit iyon lang, Xander. Kahit na alam kong hanggang doon lang ang kaya mong
ibigay sakin... tinanggap ko iyon ng buo."

I felt the sting behind my eyes. I shouldn't cry. I promised he wouldn't see me
crying. Pero hindi ko na kayang itago pa 'to sa kanya. Kaya hinayaan ko na.

"Alam mo ba kung gano ko katagal na pinagdarasal na isang araw, mapapatawad mo rin

ako? Na isang araw, masasabi ko sayo ang totoo?" I said as the tears slid freely
down from my eyes. "Pero hindi mo pa rin ako pinaniwalaan. Mahirap pa rin sayo na
paniwalaan ako."   

I saw him reaching out a hand. "Don't." I said and backed away. I felt that if he
touched me right now, I'd completely lose it.

He slowly dropped his hand away and clenched it beside him. His face was drawn in a
tight line. "Faith, you have to give me a good enough reason. I was not prepared to
believe you then."

"Good enough reason? Can't you see? There was nothing good enough for you to
believe me. Sinabi ko na sayo noon. But you chose to turn your back and judge me."
I wiped off the tears on my face. Stop crying, Faith. "Alam mo ba kung ano ang
hirap at sakit na dinanas ko makarating lang dito? Para lang makita ka ulit? Hindi.
You don't know what happened to me in those three years. You don't know anything.
Kaya huwag mong sabihin sakin na kailangan mo ng magandang rason."

"You're right. I don't know a damn thing about why you had to leave me. So why
can't you just tell me, Faith? Dahil pati ako, hirap na sa ganitong sitwasyon
natin." He raked a hand through his hair and turned away. "What do you expect me to
do? Huh?" humarap siya ulit sakin. "What? Matuwa at magpasalamat sa dahilan mo? Na
umalis ka dahil may sakit ka at kailangan mong magpagamot sa malayong lugar, nang
hindi ko alam? How am I supposed to believe that? You know you could tell me then.
Asawa mo ako. Hindi ako ibang tao."

That was it. Siya ang asawa ko. "It was not that simple, Xander. It never was."

"What was so complicated about it?" he exasperatedly said.

And when I couldn't say anything anymore, tumalikod siya at naglakad palayo. Pero
tumigil siya at lumingon. "Alam mo, iyan ang hirap sayo eh. You don't trust me
enough to tell me anything." At umalis na siya nang tuluyan.

It was not that. Alex. The reason I couldn't tell you then was because I love you.
At hindi mo maiintindihan iyon.  

━━━━━━  « ღ » ━━━━━━ 

=================

Chapter ➋➇ | Insidious Bidding

Chapter ➋➇ | Insidious Bidding

Alex poured himself another glass of wine and his hand wasn't completely steady.

Dammit!

What happened yesterday?

He downed the last of the wine as he imagined those huge eyes, staring at him, full
of something... fear, and wounded... what happened to Faith? Bakit ganoon na lang
ito kung mag-hestirya nang nasa hospital sila?
He suddenly wanted to know everything. But there was something happened to him as
he watched her screaming and crying.

He had a feeling he might not like what he was looking for. Hindi siguro niya
magugustuhan ang malalaman niya.

But, hell! He wanted to know.

He thought he would not forget. That as soon as their annulment was through, he
would move her out of his life. His fists were clenched. He hadn't signed up for
all of these. He hadn't seen these coming.  

Last night, Faith looked so vulnerable and defenseless... He felt... he felt as if

he was being torn in two. Like nothing else he'd ever experienced. He wanted to go
over to her and crush her to him, hold her in his arms and never let her go. And
yet ... much to his utter shame... he couldn't. Couldn't even hold her, because he
was afraid of what might erupt out of him.

Yet a surge of emotion broke throough the awful numbness and instinctively he moved
towards her. But then abruptly he stopped when he saw her flinched.  

He didn't like to think he drove her to that—of her being afraid of him, or worse—
her being angry at him. At that moment, he felt as if a rag was being pulled out
under his feet. He was lost.

Maybe he was out of his mind. Or maybe he was just seeing for the first time the
things he didin't want to see, the truth he didn't want to admit, and the reality
he didn't want to face. But the hard fact was there, wrenching his gut and turning
it inside out.

He knew he felt those emotions he thought he no longer felt, or could possibly feel
again.

Yet as he stood looking over the busy people bustling beneath him through the
floor-to-ceiling window of his office, he couldn't deny to himself now more than he
wanted to. He could not lie to himself anymore.

He knew what he knew.

He felt what he felt.

And it was up to him if he wanted to claim back what was his.

Just then, a female voice rang inside his office and filled the room.
"Sir, Mr. Lewis wants to see you. He's coming right at your office as we speak."
Ani Gretchen, ang sekretarya niya.

Sandali pang hinilot ni Alex ang sumasakit niyang ulo nang marinig ang katok na
iyon sa pintuan niya. He hadn't expected any visitors today. He cleared to his
secretary that he didn't want to be disturbed and cancel all his meetings and
appointments. Marami siyang pinoproblema ngayon. At sa dami ng gumugulo sa utak
niya, working with his brain barely functioning like a zombie was not going to make
a pretty good profit.

But Ryan was a different matter.

"Rough night?" iyon agad ang sabi nito nang sumilip ito sa pintuan at makita siya.
He hadn't even told him to enter yet but his good friend easily came in.

He knew he looked like a nenaderthal man—unrefined and barely polished. The growing
stubles under his chin was visible and his hair was not even nearly groomed.
Pinadaan ulit niya ang kamay niya sa buhok niya, trying to fix his hair at least
before talking to this intruder. But it still flops back stubbornly until he gave
up. "Screw it." He muttered saka hinayaan iyon. "Alam kong hindi ka nagpunta rito
para makinig sa kuwento ng buhay ko." he said as he watched his friend sits
comfortably across him. "So spill."

He grinned mischievously. "Why, Xander. If you behave like that, I would think I'm
right."

Kumunot ang noo niya. "Right about what?" he said grumply.

"That you have a marital problem." diretsong sagot nito. "It's all written in your
face, Xander. You look like a hungry grumpy bear."

Sinamaan niya ito ng tingin. "Just start talking Ryan and stop poking anywhere
around my business." His buddy maybe cracking up a joke around, but God help him,
he wanted to punch somebody's face right now. 

"Hmm..." napahawak ito sa sariling baba. "Can I ask?" he said, "Is this the time of
the month?"

Sinamaan ulit niya ito ng tingin. Another rubbish word from his mouth and he's out
of here. Just one more word.

He help up both of his hands. "Alright, alright! I'll stop." Nakangiti pa rin ito
ng nakakaloko. "Masyado ka kasing pikon ngayon kaya di ko mapigilang asarin ka."
Katwiran pa nito.

Napahilot siya sa batok niya. He felt so stiff because of lack of proper sleep. "So
what is it?" tanong na lang niya para matapos na ang usapan nila at nang
makapagpahinga na siya. "May bago ka na naman bang business venture?" Umiling lang
ito. "Do you have a problem with your new hired architect?"

"Well, he's a promising one. I can see potentials from his work. So wala naman
akong dapat ipag-alala sa kanya."

Ganon naman pala. So what the hell was he doing here cracking up my skull? He
thought as he sighed heavily. "Then what? Don't tell me you had another raw with
Monica this time?" Hindi siguro ito nagpunta sa opisina niya para lang pag-usapan
si Monica.

His eyes flared but it was gone in a second. "She's been strangely quiet for this
past few days but I don't mind. Mas mabuti na iyon kesa laging nagtataray." He
sighed and shifted in his chair.

If there was anything that would make this irritatingly arrogant man tick, that
would be his lady boss, Monique. He probably just don't know it but everybody does.

"I know this might be a little bit overboard but Sav just might not stop pestering
me if I don't do this." Sabi nito sa mas seryosong tono.

This, about his sister, was another thing. He just spoils her sister too much since
they were kids. Kahit ano siguro ang hilingin ni Savannah, binibigay nito. "So what
does Savannah wants this time?"

"You know it's her birthday this week, right?"

"And?" Why does he feel like he might not like what he'd say?

He was silent for a while, pondering. Nakatingin lang ito sa kanya na lalong
nagpalala ng pangamba niya. Pagkatapos ay huminga muna ito ng malalim bago
nagsalita. "Well, she was asking me to convince you to be her escort for her
birthday party. She was running this Charity event. Ang sabi niya, since you're one
of her investors, mas mabuti raw kung ikaw ang magiging escort niya."

Dammit! Sabi na nga ba niya. "And why can't she tell me this personally? Bakit
kailangan pang ipadaan sayo?" Bakit hindi na lang si Savannah ang nagpunta rito at
nagtanong sa kanya para matanggihan niya ito sa mas maayos na paraan? 

"Because she knows exactly what you'll say."

Alex tightly closed his eyes, his head was starting to hurt. "Ryan," he sighed.
"You know very well that I can't. Tell her I'm sorry, okay."

"I already told her that. Pero alam mo naman kung gano katigas ang ulo ng batang
iyon. She won't listen to me."

Totoo iyon. Kahit ano siguro ang sabihin ni Ryan, hindi tatanggapin ni Savannah
hanggang sa hindi nito nakukuha ang gusto nito. That was how stubborn Savannah
could be. Blast it! Dagdag na naman ito sa problema niya.

"It's just one time." Ryan pleaded. "Birthday naman niya kaya pagbigyan mo na si
Savannah. It's just a small request from your bestfriend. I'm sure Faith won't
mind, will she?"

Faith.

He pinched the bridge of his nose to lessen the throbbing pain in his head. He
thought he would explode for a minute there when he mentioned his wife. Another
problem in tow.

"Don't sweat it. If it will make it any easier, ako na lang ang magsasabi kay Faith
para sayo."

"No." mabilis na sabi ni Alex. The last thing he wanted was to let Faith think he
was hiding behind someone else's back. "I'll just talk to Savannah." Susubukan
niyang kauspin ito. There was no way he could stand as her escort. Pagkatapos ng
ginawa nito noong nasa resort sila... Hindi na ulit bumalik sa normal ang lahat sa
pagitan nila ng tinuring niyang matalik na kaibigan. Isa pa, ay mga bagay siyang
kailangang pagtuunan ng pansin. Mas importanteng bagay. And he would have to move
fast before he lost his chance.

* * * * *   

Namumulaklak na ang mga halamang itinanim ko noon. They looked so lovely now that
they all bloomed into colorful flowers.

But as I sat here outside looking over those flower beds, admiring them took me
just a seconds because something else was occupying my mind.

What was I thinking exactly?

Bakit ko nasabi ang mga bagay na iyon?

I let out a sigh for the nth time now. Maybe I was running insane. Or perhaps I was
already insane. Hindi ko na makontrol ang sarili ko. I couldn't contain my emotions
anymore. Habang nagtatagal ako rito, lalong nawawala ang kompyansa ko sa sarili,
ang mga bagay na gusto kong tuparin hindi ko na magawang gawin. I don't even know
if I could wait for another months.

I thought being with Alex was enough. Hindi na mahalaga kung mahal pa ba niya ako o
kung may patutunguhan pa itong kasal namin. Ang gusto ko lang noon, ang makasama
ulit siya at mapatwad niya ako.

But I was just lying to myself all along.

I still care about him. I still want to be that woman he only see. I want what we
use to had.

And that was breaking my heart more. Because I knew I could never have it back.

But he said he will listen.

Kaya ba hindi siya umuwi ng ilang araw dahil pinag-isipan niya iyon ng mabuti? O
baka siguro nakumbinsi siya ni Savannah na makinig sakin para makahanap na naman
siya ng panibagong butas na puwede niyang isisi sakin para tuluyan na siyang
makawala sa kasal namin?

Stop it, Faith. Wala ka ng ibang ginawa kundi ang magduda at mag-isip ng mga bagay
na lumalason diyan sa utak mo. Why couldn't you just trust him?

Trust.

Kelan pa? Kelan pa ako nawalan ng tiwala kay Alex?

Well, perhaps I just lost faith in everything that's why it was hard for me now to
believe in anything.

Just then, I heard the door opened and I saw Maryl came out holding a tray with
fruit juice and biscuits. Si Maryl ang dalagang apo ni Nay Julia na isinama niya
rito sa bahay para tumulong sa dito sa gawaing bahay.

"Magmiryenda raw po kayo sabi ni lola." Magalang na sabi niya.

I smiled. "Salamat. At pakisabi kay Nay na salamat sa abala." They've been

monitoring me every hour for the entire day. Bilin daw ni Alex sa kanila bago ito
pumasok ng opisina.

He left a tray of breakfast for me this morning, pati mga gamot kompleto. Alam kong
si Alex iyon dahil nag-iwan siya ng sulat doon na inumin ko raw ang gamot ko at
huwag bigyan ng sakit ng ulo si Nay Julia.

Alam niya kasi na hindi ako mahilig uminom ng gamot noon.  

"Ah! At ito pa nga po pala." May kung ano siyang kinuha sa bulsa niya. "May sulat
po para sa inyo." She handed me a red card.

"Salamat." Sabi ko habang inaabot ang card na iyon kay Maryl. Pagkatapos ay umalis
na siya. Saka ko lang iyon tiningnan nang marinig kong sumara ang pintuan.

I saw my name embossed on it, shining in gold inscription against the flaming red
paint of the paper. Ignoring that sense of incertitude, I slowly opened it.

Lady Faith Erwin-Smith, you are cordially invited to attend this Charity event...
together with the celebration of Carol Savannah Lewis' 28th birthday...

An invitation only for me...

Wala ni pangalan ni Alex. Was she being so obvious? Was she this desperate to get
my husband?

Hindi na siya nakontento sa mag nangyayari at kailangan pa yata niyang isampal

sakin itong imbetasyon niya para lang makuha ang gusto niya.

I don't know what she have under her sleeves yet, but I intended to know. Anyhow,
wala naman sigurong mawawala pa sakin after all that I've seen and witnessed. Maybe
then, after this one last time, I could decide...

* * * * *  

The evening was melting into night and lights twinkled in bushes and trees nearby,
lending the scene a fairytale air. My mouth firmed and I tried to quell the
staccato of my heartbeat.

I stood in the shadows like a fugitive just yards away from the plushest hotel that
stood in all its majestic colonial glory. I reassured myself that I wasn't actually
a fugitive. I was just collecting myself... I could see the calibre of the crowd
going into the foyer: monied and exclusive. The elite society.

Yes. As expected from Savannah and her family.

With a shaking hand I smoothed down the long silk white dress I wore.

Tonight was the prestigious birthday celebration of one of Lewis' children, a well-
known businessman just like my father. And I know enough from experience that I
wouldn't have been able to get close to the place if I didn't look the part.
Luckily I found some of my mother's dresses that I hadn't been able to give away...

At first it had looked modest enough—high-necked at the front. It was only when I
had it on that made me realize it was backless. All of my dresses seriously needed
some mending and none of it was white enough to be white.

So it was to wear this dress or nothing.

So now, as I finally stepped from the shadows outside the hotel and the gentle
breeze whistled over my bare flesh, I felt ridiculously exposed. Mustering all the
courage I would need for this encounter, I valiantly ignored the unease growing
inside me, and strode into the luxurious marbled lobby.

Just then a tall, very good-looking man wearing a white suit approached me.

"Don't just stand there. Someone might took you for an angel, you know." Jed came
up beside me showing that dazzling smile.

"Jed?" What was he doing here?

As if reading my mind, again, he shrugged slightly and said, "I wasn't expecting
this either, but a good party is still a good opportunity to meet potential
clients, don't you think? Besides, it's a charity ball. It's pure business." He
said as he stood beside me.

"You're a doctor, Jed. Baka gusto mo lang na ipaalala ko sayo."

"And? Hindi na ba puwedeng magpahinga ang isang doctor ngayon?" Sabi niya lang saka
inakay na ako papasok. He took my hand and put it to his arm. "It's a lovely night,
Faith. We should make the best out of it. Shall we?"

Hindi na ako nagreklamo. Actually, I was more than glad that Jed was here. It was
like all my fears and doubts flew out in the air. Maybe I was just turning on my
self-doubt again or maybe it was just my paranoid mind speaking, but I could tell
Savannah has a lot of tricks tonight that I would soon be finding out. And for me,
with Jed here was just enough to help me keep my sanity tonight.

━━━━━━  « ღ » ━━━━━━ 

=================

Chapter ➋➈ | Red & White

Chapter ➋➈ | Red & White

"Nagmukha kang tao sa hitsura mo ngayon." Tukso ko kay Jed habang papasok na kami
sa loob. 

Sa tagal ng panahong naging kaibigan ko si Jed, ngayon ko lang siya nakitang ganoon
ang ayos. Ngayon ko lang din nakita kung gano kalaki ang pinagbago niya sa batang
Jed na nakilala ko noon.

He was much taller now, with a nice body build, lean and hard muscles all in
perfect places. I realize he was a fine man. Hindi ito kasing gwapo ni Alex but he
was handsome in his own way. Lalo na kapag ngumingiti ito. He could be a charmer if
he wanted to. Unlike Alex, Jed had this approachable effect with everyone. Magaan
siyang kasama at madaling kausap while Alex bordered to being brooding and silent
type that makes him much more intimidating.  

He sighed. "I don't get a lot of chances to get out of my white coat for quite some
time now, but now that I did—look! I still wore the same color." He said
dramatically.

"Bagay naman sayo ang kulay na iyan."

He stared at me and he started to grin knowingly. "Ano iyan? Don't tell me you're
starting to like me now, Faith."

I laughed. "Dream on, doc."

He just smiled and kept walking. "So tell me, why are you here alone? Bakit hindi
mo kasama si Alexander?" he asked with a blasé air. But I knew, he was eager to ask
that question the moment he saw me standing alone outside that door. 

"He's already here." I said as natural as I could.

"You know, I wonder why I still haven't got to punch his face until now. Nakakarami
na siya ng atraso sakin." He almost sounded serious. But I ignored his remark and
silently walked beside him.

He's being protective again, I know. But knowing Jed, he wouldn't dare touch Alex.
Hindi niya sasaktan si Alex dahil alam niyang ako ang magagalit sa kanya kapag
ginawa niya iyon.

Alex...

I know he's here. Sinabi niya sakin ang tungkol sa hininging pabor sa kanya ni
Savannah nong gabing natanggap ko ang invitation card na iyon. He mentioned he was
one of her sponsors in this charity event and so she asked him if he could be her
escort tonight.

Hindi ko alam kung humihingi ng permiso si Alex, but I still nodded. I didn't tell
him I was invited. So he didn't know I was here. I don't know who would be more
surprised tonight. I just hope I could handle this.

As we drew nearer to the hall, the music was getting louder and clearer. And when
we came, I thought we were entering some paradise land with all those people moving
around the room like angels.  

Everything was white. Everywhere I looked was white.

The room was suddenly making me feel dizzy.

This was purely coincidence, I know. Savannah would never know about my nightmares.
But... this was a hell of a coincidence.

"This is quite a dramatic set up, isn't it?" puna ni Jed habang iniikot ang mata sa
paligid. "Savannah must fancy this kind of extravagance."

Yes. She did. And I bet with all the diamond ever existed in this world that she
would appear with a staggeringly melodramatic entrance too.

"Are you sure you can hold it?" nasa mukha ni Jed ang pag-aalala nang tingnan ko
siya. He knew my about fears.

"I think so.." at least I know I wasn't standing inside a hospital. I couldn't
smell antiseptics around. It was just the people that were making my head spin. But
I could survive.

"Good. Just stay close okay?"

* * * * *  

I sought for invisibility tonight. I didn't want to draw any untoward attention to
myself this time. Ayoko ng maulit ang nangyari sa Anniversary nina Jannah at Billy.

But standing next to a successful rising young doctor was not helping me at all. I
didn't realize na ganon na pala kalaki at katunog ang pangalan ni Jed sa larangan
ng medisina. People recognize him when they spotted him at lumalapit na ang mga ito
sa kanya. Even those well-known names knew him and his skill. Talagang pinanindigan
niya ang sinabi niya kanina na maghahanap siya ng magiging suki niya sa party na
'to.    

Nakakainis lang na sa tuwing sinusubukan kong tumakas, umiwas, at umalis, Jed would
only pull me back and keep me close to him.  

"I told you to stay close. Ayokong maghanap ng nawawalang pusa mamaya so don't go
anywhere." He said.

Pinukpok ko siya sa braso niya dahilan para mapadaing siya. "Anong akala mo sakin?
Palaboy na pusakal?" naiinis na sabi ko sa kanya. "Hindi ako maliligaw. Ayoko lang
na tumabi sayo. Sinisira mo ang plano ko."

Tiningnan niya ako ng puno ng pagtataka habang hinihimas ang nasaktang braso niya.
"Plano? Ano naman ang pinaplano mo ngayon?"

"Ang maging hangin." I gave him an accusing look when I heard him chuckle. "What's
so funny?"

"Faith, no one's going to be successful with that endeavor especially for a lady
like you."

"Maraming salamat sa suporta."

He ignored my sarcastic retort. "And what did I do sabotaging your plan? Anong
kinalaman ko kung mapansin ka man ng mga tao rito? This entire room is filled with
top industry's business executives and boardmembers Kilala ng mga tao rito ang
daddy mo. Of course they will recognize you."

Well I wish they wouldn't. If people do recognize me, then they would know about
Alex. And I don't want to drag Alex down with me if Savannah was plotting something
against me tonight.

He held my arms and turned me to face him. "I know you're not comfortable being
here tonight. I can read you like the back of my hands, Faith. So if you don't want
to be here, the door is are always open.  You're free to go anytime. Walang pipigil
sayo para umalis."

Jed was right. I could always go and fled. To hell with Savannah and her dirty old
trick.

But my stubborn self was not budging. It was like I was trying to prove something
to myself. I wanted to know my limit, how far could I go, and how much could I
take.

I wanted to know if I am strong enough. I wanted to know if I am ready.

Ready for what?  

"I can always run away with you. You only just have to say a word." I could see the
sincerity in Jed's eyes.
I knew he meant it. But...

I held both of his hands. "I know that. But I want to stay. Sasamahan mo pa rin ako
diba?" I need him now more than ever.

He looked at me for a lingering seconds. Hindi siya sumagot. Instead I felt him
gripped my hands back as if telling me I always have his back and he would never
leave me here alone. And that was enough to give me the strength that I seemed to
need tonight.

* * * * *  

A couple of hours later, the night went deeper and I was feeling pain in the balls
of my feet from the high heels I was wearing and yet even the slightless shadow of
Alex didn't appear. Hindi ko pa siya nakikita simula pagdating namin ni Jed. Now I
wonder if he was really here.

Of course he will come. It was his best friend's birthday party. There's no way he
would miss this.

But he once did...

Oo. Pero nong mga panahong iyon, maaayos ang lahat. Everythings different now.
Savannah... he might chose her to replace me. She could be the one. And that would
mean, he would have to have a speial part in her birthday, or in any day of her
life.   

"You look so lost right now." Jed appeared with two wine glass on both is hands.
"Let me guess—"

"Stop playing psychique again, Jed. Baka itapon na kita sa canal niyan mamaya." I
warned as I reached for the other drinks. I know he knew exactly what I was
thinking so he doesn't need to elaborate more.

"Okay, kay. I'll back off."

I was about to take a sip when I heard a faint gasp beside me.

"Oh, wow!"

"Look!"
I looked up to everyone was looking. And there he was—Alex. Standing gloriously and
magnifeciently above the high stairs.

My heart stopped beating for a long moment.

He was dressed in a black tuxedo with red bow tie, and I could see his gorgeous yet
stern and arrogant features as he cast a bored-looking glance around him. It
skipped over where I was standing like I was some invisible being, and when he
looked away my heart stuttered back to life.

Success oozed from every inch of his six-foot-four, broad-shouldered frame. His
distinctive height always made it easy to mark him out from the crowd—not that his
sheer charisma and good looks wouldn't have marked him out anyway. He'd always been
more than his looks ... he'd always carried a tangible aura of power and energy.  

I dragged in a breath. I'd forgotten how startling he was.  

Another flash of movement made me drag my eyes away, and I saw a tall beautiful
woman emerging from the other side of the stairs. As I watched, the woman walked
around to his side, her long fall of black hair shining almost darkly against her
floor-length red lamé dress which outlined every slim curve of her body with a
loving touch.

The woman linked her arm through his. I couldn't see the look they shared, but from
the smile on the woman's face I didn't doubt it was full of love.

The pair of them looked good together.

A sudden shaft of physical pain lanced me and I put a hand to my chest in reaction.

No, I begged mentally. I didn't want them to affect me like this. I didn't want
them to affect me at all.

Indeed. Savannah knew how to put an enthralling opening.

"Bagay na bagay talaga sila."

"I heard they're getting angaged this year."

I was stuck numbed at my feet. What were they saying? Ako ang asawa ni Alex, hindi
ang babaeng iyan!

This was making me laugh. I was feeling like a jealous rejected ex-lover where the
truth was I am the wife. And here I was standing amongst the crowd like an audience
—just watching them.
Gusto kong sumigaw. Gusto kong takbuhin ang hagdanang iyon at itulak si Savannah
para gumulong siya sa ibaba. Crazy things filled up my mind.

But before I could fled and do something embarassing, I felt someone grabbed my
arms and whirled me around.   

Jed held me against him. Tinulak ko siya palayo pero hinigpitan lang niya ang
pagkakayakap niya sakin.

"Don' move." Bulong niya sakin. "You don't really want to see this, do you?"

I tried to get away from him again but he just won't let go. Until I couldn't find
the strength anymore. Numbness took over me and I couldn't fight anymore.

━━━━━━  « ღ » ━━━━━━ 

=================

Chapter ➌⓪ | Losing Grip

Chapter ➌⓪ | Losing Grip

"You don't have to do this." Sabi ko kaagad kay Jed nang makita ko siyang nakatayo
at naghihintay sa labas ng powder room. I told him not to wait, pero iyon pa rin
ang ginawa niya. He was just too stubborn for a doctor.

"I don't mind waiting." Sinabayan niya iyon ng kibit-balikat. It was just simple
words, casual and light. But I knew they hid a thousand meanings for him.

Jed had always stood beside me, watching over me, even at times I almost hated him.
But he's still there. Hindi niya pa rin ako pinabayaan. Even when I almost give up
on myself.

And as I looked at him, I thought how my life would turn out if I chose him
instead. Kung siguro hindi dumating si Alex, siguro si Jed na ang pinili ko. I knew
he'd be a responsible and affectionate husband. He'd be wonderful and almost
perfect.

If only I loved him the way I loved Alex.

Then maybe, Savannah would be with Alex. And they both would be happy. If only fate
hadn't twisted everything... Sana ngayon, masaya na ang lahat... sana, hindi na ako
umiiyak at nasasaktan.

Across the room, red flashed through the corner of my eyes. You couldn't really
miss it since everyone was bundled up in white. She really did stood out amidst the
crowd. And beside her was where Alex stood.

I had no idea where was Jed going and it was too late when I realized where. Alex
was already turning his head to us.   

His eyes flared for a second when he saw me striding toward their way. Pero agad
iyong napalitan ng isang matalim na tingin nang mapansin niyang hindi ako nag-iisa.
Nag-isang linya ang mga kilay niya nang makita niya si Jed.

I tugged Jed's arm. I don't want to cross paths with them tonight. But Jed seemed
to have an opposed idea to mine. Talagang malakas ang loob niyang lumapit kina Alex
at Savannah habang kasama niya ako. Mukhang nakalimutan na niya ang plano kong
maging hangin na lang.

Alex never looked away. I could see he was really surprised to see me here. And he
didn't like it. He fully turned his body to meet us with a stern face. He seemed to
forget they were talking to some businessmen, which never happened before.

This was funny and I could've laugh at it. Heto ako, kasama si Jed habang ang asawa
ko, escort ng ibang babae. And to add a little more fun into it, we stood like a
stranger to each other. Kulang na lang batiin ko sila ng 'Congratulations' at
bigyan ng halik si Savannah.

"Dr. Brewester!" parang gulat na gulat pa na sabi ni Savannah nang makita kaming
papalapit sa kanila. Mukhang nagpaalam pa ito sa mga kausap nila kanina para lang
salubungin kami. "It's so nice to finally meet you. I'm Savannah Lewis." Pakilala
agad nito at naglahad pa ng kamay. Alex was taking his time walking behind her. 

Jed took it. "Please, just call me Jed. Baka malito ang mga tao at sabihing ako ang
daddy ko." nakangiting sabi ni Jed. "Any way, Happy birthday Ms. Lewis."

Savannah smiled demurely. "Thank you. But to be fair, call me Savannah. Thank you
for coming. It's such an honor for you to accept my invitation. I've heard a lot
about you but my imagination didn't quite do you justice. Napakagwapo mo pala sa
personal."

Ngumiti lang si Jed. "I wish I could say the same. But thank you for the
invitation. I didn't actually expect it."

"Don't mention it." Tumingin si Savannah sakin. "Magkasama ba kayong dumating?" she
asked Jed, then she turned to look at Alex.
Uminom lang si Alex sa dala nitong baso na parang walang interes na makinig sa
usapan ng dalawa. But then, his eyes suddenly slid down to me and pinned mine. They
were unreadable. Dark. Insidious.

I looked away before he could read something in my eyes.

"No. Actually nagkasabay lang kaming dumating kanina. If I knew she'd come, sana
sinundo ko na siya. But knowing Faith, she wouldn't want to bother me." Sagot ni
Jed.

Ngumiti lang si Jed nang kurutin ko siya sa likod niya. He was obviously picking on
Alex. Gusto ko tuloy siyang sakalin.

"You mean you came alone? I thought I delivered two invitations for you. Hindi mo
ba ginamit iyong isa?" nagtatakang tanong ni Savannah.

Umiling si Jed. "I was too busy this week so I didn't have the leisure time to ask
someone."

"Ganon ba?" umiling-iling si Savannah as if to disapprove. "You should go out

sometimes. Sayang ang kaguwapuhan mo kung sa hospital ka lang magtatago." Tukso
nito kay Jed. "Well, then maybe it wouldn't be too bothersome for you if you stay
with Faith, right? Kailangan ko pa kasi si Alex buong gabi. Okay lang sayo?"

Jed smiled. "Absolutely." and casually put his arms around my shoulder.

I alarmly looked up to see Alex looking murderously into Jed's hand on my shoulder.
His eyes burning my skin. Right then, I wanted to punch Jed. He did it to make Alex
angry.

"With her condition, I couldn't actually leave her alone. I'm her doctor so I feel
partially responsible for her." Dugtong pa ni Jed.

"Well, that's nice." Savannah smiled tightly, with her hand tightly clasped on
Alex's arms. "Enjoy the rest of the night then."

Pinanood lang namin na umalis ang dalawa habang pilit na hinihila ni Savannah si
Alex.

* * * * *  

Saglit akong iniwan ni Jed para kumuha ng pagkain. Alex and Savannah were
everywhere. And I couldn't help but admire with pain how they look good standing
beside each other.

I was still shell-shocked about what I heard. Iyon ba ang gustong ipamukha sakin ni
Savannah kaya niya ako inimbita dito? To let me know about how their relationship
was progressing?

Kaya ba handa na si Alex na makinig? Was he ready to forgive me so he could let me

go?

"Oh, look who's here."

A shiver ran down my spine. It's not because I was cold. It was because of that
mocking voice.

Lexie.

And true enough, Lexie appeared in front of me wearing her jeering smile. "Are you
enjoying the night, Faith? Or should I start calling you 'sis'?"

Savannah... she really planned this, didn't she? Now I knew better not to let my
guard down.

"This is really funny." She laughed derisively. "You're here and your husband is
over there, flaunting some other woman beside him. I'm surprised nakayanan mong
ipahiram ang asawa mo sa iba."

"Savannah is Alex's best friend. Walang malisya sa ginagawa nila." I gritted out
when she sat across me. I hate being cornered.

"Sure, sure. You trust him. But is he? I mean, is he really trustworthy?" she
lifted a brow. "Let's face the fact. Savannah is a beautiful woman. She can have
any guy she wanted and my brother is... well, he belongs to the same population,
right?" she started to  tap her fingers on the table. It was irritating. "At sa
pagkakaalam ko, matagal ng may gusto si Savannah sa kanya.  Sayang nga lang at
naunahan siya ng iba." She gave me a pointed look. So, ako ang pinapalabas niyang
nang-agaw ng eksena?

My head started to hurt. "What are you trying to say, Lexie. Hindi ako manghuhula
kaya puwede ba, diretsahin mo na lang ako."

"Tsk, tsk, tsk..." umiling-iling siya. "Poor, poor, Faith. Mukhang wala ka talagang
kaalam-alam. Hindi mo pa rin ba nage-gets kung bakit si kuya Xander ang pinili ni
Savannah na maging escort niyia ngayong birthday niya?" she laughed devilishly.
"You know, I'm beginning to pity you."
"Anong ibig mong sabihin?"

She leaned closer to me and whispered. "So naïve... so innocent... ang galing mo
talagang magkunwari. I guess maybe that's why my brother fell in to your charm.
Kasi magaling kang magpaikot ng ulo. But sadly, your time is up. Alam mo, okay na
sana si kuya eh. Thanks to Savannah. Dahil kung wala siya sa tabi ni kuya, siguro
matagal ng nawala si kuya samin. Kaya lang, talagang may mga kontrabida sa buhay ng
tao." Her eyes turned into an ice but I refuse to be threatened. "Back off. Kapag
sinaktan mo si Savannah, talagang hindi kita titigilan. Now is her chance to be
with Xander. At ikaw... lumayas ka na sa buhay ng kapatid ko. He don't need someone
like you. He doesn't love you anymore. Kaya huwag mo ng ipagsiksikan ang sarili mo.
Tapos na ang papel mo sa buhay ni kuya. You threw your chance years ago. Kaya payo
ko lang sayo, umalis ka na sa buhay ni kuya at pabayaan mo na siyang sumaya kay
Savannah."

"Don't you think Alexander should be the one deciding that?" a voice came up from
behind her.

She sat up and turned back. Jed was standing very close to her. "Oh... and who's
this?" her mind did the calculations and I watched her eyes popped wide. I knew
exactly what she was thinking. "Don't tell me... siya ba? Wow! Ang bilis mo talaga,
Faith. Well, what could surprise me more. Alam ko ang kalibre mo."

In a second, Jed took off and gripped her arm to make her face him. Narinig ko pa
ang pagsinghap ni Lexie. "Don't talk to her like that." He gritted between his
teeth, his eyes shooting daggers. Ngayon ko lang nakita si Jed na magalit ng ganon.

I stepped in. Ayokong magkagulo. And that was exactly what Lexie wanted. "Huwag mo
na siyang patulan, Jed. She's just a waste of your time."

Binitawan ni Jed si Lexie pero hindi muna ito umalis. "Shame." He said as he ran a
filthy glance over Lexie. "You may have a pretty face but you're tongue seemed to
be loose. You think you're better than Faith? Well, next time you look in the
mirror, take a careful look and you'll see you're very wrong."

* * * * *  

Sa isang malalim na hininga, humarap si Jed sakin at hinawakan ang mga kamay ko na
nanginginig na pala. "Are you okay?"

Hindi ako makapagsalita. Puno ng kung anu-ano ang isipan ko ngayon. What was Lexie
trying to tell me?

Jed muttered a curse. "What the hell was that about? Bakit hinayaan mo lang ang
babaeng iyon na sabihin niya sayo ang mga bagay na iyon? You know it's not true."
"Wala ring mangyayari kung sasabihin ko ang totoo sa kanya, Jed. Lexie hates me
since she met me. Sanay na ako."

"Sanay? You let people think the worst of you?" Hindi siya makapaniwala nang
tingnan niya ako. "God, Faith. Is this how Alex treat you too?" he went red when I
kept my mouth shut. "Just tell him, Faith. And then walk out. Wala ka ng babalikan
kay Alex. Can't you see...?"  He turned around to say something I shouldn't hear,
but I still heard him. "He's inside and he doesn't even know what was happening to
his own wife."

I just stood there, and I felt like something broke inside me. It was like the
string I've been holding on to until tonight was loosely tied around my hand and I
was slowly losing my grip.

Was this I was trying to find out? My limit? The end?

I felt weak and tired all of a sudden. Perhaps tonight was enough.

"Jed, I think we should go." I said faintly.

Lumingon si Jed sakin. "Do you want to go home?"

Tumango lang ako. He moved to remove his suit and wrapped it around me. He must've
noticed when I shivered from coldness. "Salamat."

We started to walk when I felt my skin prickled. I looked up and saw a shadow few
feet from us. As we got closer, that shadow stepped out from the dark and slowly
his form started to appear.

Alex looked like a dark werewolf waiting for his prey.

"I want to talk to my wife if you don't mind." He said in a dangerously low voice.

Jed stepped in front of me. "I don't mind, if she wants talk to you."

Alex looked at me. Waiting. But I've had enough. I just wanted to go home and rest.
"Sa bahay na lang tayo mag-usap, Xander." Sabi ko at nilagpasan siya.

But he grabbed my arm and stopped me from stepping another step away. "Are you
okay? I saw you talking with Lexie inside."

Pinilit kong bawiin ang kamay ko sa kanya pero parang bakal ang kamay ni Alex.
Hinarap ko siya. "I'm okay. Aside from being a nice sister-in-law, wala namang
sinabi si Lexie na hindi na bago sa pandinig mo."
Jed grabbed Aex's hand in an attempt to remove it. "Step aside, Alexander. Faith
needs rest." Jed said but Alex refused to let my hand go. He just stood there,
motionless.

Tiningnan niya ako ng mataman. "I'll take her home." Matigas na sabi ni Alex maya-
maya.

Nagulat ako sa sinabi niya. I rejected the chance of being alone with him. I
reached out and held Jed to hold his arm, to tell him not to let Alex.

"I'll take her home. Kailangan ka pa ni Savannah dito." Sabi ni Jed.

But Alex was unwaveringly insistent. "Savannah can survive without me. Now you step
aside and let me take my wife home."He was getting territorial. How does he do
that? Acting like a jealous husband when everyone in this room thought he was
Savannah's soon to be fiancé?

Tiningnan ako ni Jed. Asking. He sighed and looked back to Alex. "I'm afraid I
can't do that."

I turned to face Alex but I was stunned when I saw hurt in his eyes. Was it really?

No. Impossible iyon. Kung nasaktan ko man siya, it must've been his ego that I
hurt.

"Wait here." Alex said, "I'll grab my keys and I—" tiningnan niya si Jed. "— will
drive you home." 

Huminga ako ng malalim para pigilan ang sarili kong sumigaw. Alex was making me
feel suffocated. He was really frustrating me. "You don't have to take me home,
Xander. Dumating ako ng mag-isa kaya uuwi ako ng mag-isa. So don't bother taking
all the trouble to take me home. Stay here with Savannah. I know your business is
important to you." I tugged my arm free and I was surprised it came loose. "Don't
worry. I'd be home safe. So stay."       

He looked like he was about to argue, but I don't want to hear him anymore. I
couldn't stand feeling like this—broken and shuttered to pieces all over again.

I pulled Jed and walked pass him without looking back.

As I took each step away from him, I knew this was it...the time to give up and
loosen my grip.

To let everything go... to finally let Alex go.

━━━━━━  « ღ » ━━━━━━ 

=================

Chapter ➌➀ | Tears of Faith

Chapter ➌➀ | Tears of Faith

"Umupo ka na, hija. Niluto ko lahat ng paborito mo ngayong umaga."

Narinig kong sabi ni Nay Julia bago siya lumabas at pumasok ng kusina. Hindi ako
makagalaw sa kinatatayuan ko. My feet were stuck on the floor and I couldn't bring
myself to move when I found Alex already inside the dining room, standing and
facing the window his back turned to me. I felt different emotions surged up inside
me, rising and coiling around my chest. From surprise to confusion to doubt... I
felt unsure. 

I did not expect him here today. Inasahan kong nasa opisina na siya, o di kaya'y
tulog pa dahil alam kong galing siya sa party kagabi. He was almost away everyday
kaya siguro hindi ako sanay na nandito siya. Even sharing breakfast with him feels
alien to me.

"O, bakit andiyan ka pa?" tanong ni Nay Julia nang makabalik itong may mga dala-
dalang pagkain. "Halika na't umupo rito. Huwag kang tumunganga lang diyan."

Noon lang lumingon si Alex. His eyes were shadowed, I couldn't see what was in
them. Hindi ko alam kong anong iniisip niya. What was he doing here?

This is his house.

I almost forgot. Hindi kasi siya madalas dito kaya pati ang simpleng bagay na iyon
nakalimutan ko.

I ignored the strong drumbeat of my pulse and haul my feet across the room. The
whole time, he watched me with brooding silence as I entered and walked inside the
room. Saka lang siya gumalaw nong nakaupo na ako sa mesa.  

 "Did you sleep well?"

Surprised, I raised up my head and saw Alex picking up his spoon and fork,
preparing to eat. Nang hindi ako sumagot, tiningnan niya ako nang may pagtataka.
"Well enough, thank you." I answered curtly.

He nodded with intereset. "Sabi ni Nay Julia mag-isa ka lang na umuwi kagabi? Hindi
ka ba hinatid ng—ni Jed?" he asked conversationally. Pero nahimigan ko pa rin ang
konting galit sa pagkasabi niya sa pangalan ni Jed.

"Hinatid niya ako but it doesn't mean I'll have to invite him in. Besides,
kailangan siya sa hospital." Paliwanag ko.

I was insistent not to let Jed drive me. Pagkatapos ng nangyari sa party bago kami
umalis, parang gusto kong mapag-isa na lang muna. Pero ayaw ni Jed na iwanan ako.
Pinauwi pa niya ang driver ko at sa kanya na lang daw ako sumabay. Mabuti na lang
at tinawagan siya sa hospital. Because if not, hindi ako makakawala sa mga tanong
niya. I could feel he was going to talk me down last night. And I was not up to it.

"Wala ba siyang binabanggit tungkol sa resulta ng tests mo? Hindi ba masyadong

matagal?"

"Al—" Damn this tongue! Hindi ko talaga nasasanay ang sarili kong tawagin siyang
Xander kapag ganitong naiinis ako. What was he trying to do asking me all this
nonsense? I sighed and tried again. "Tatawag din si Jed kapag lumabas na ang
resulta. Kaya mas mabuti ng maghintay."

Tinitigan niya ako mula sa upuan niya. But it was different from his brooding stare
from earlier. Now, it was just heartbreaking. "You stopped calling me Alex." he
said.

I was arrested. So he noticed. "You told me to stop calling you Alex, remember?"

"I'm sorry." He murmured. I blinked once or twice, never believing what I was
actually seeing. His eyes were full of regret and remorse.

The sincerity in his voice almost broke my resolve. No. I've already made my
decision. "Can we just eat?" This conversation was going nowhere.

He sighed an audible breath and seemed to forget the food in front of him. "Faith,
I'm trying here. I understand we don't do this normally but I am trying. Doesn't
that count for something?" this time, he dropped the spoon and fork from his grasp
and raked a frustrated hand through his hair.

"I'm just... I'm not in the mood for small talk, that's all."

A long moment of silence passed before he asked, "Why didn't you tell me Savannah
invited you last night?"
"What's the point?" I couldn't keep the crudeness from my voice. God, where was he
going with this?

"What's the point?" he asked a little unbelievingly. "Of course I want to know!
Kung sana sinabi mo sakin, then I woudn't have to stand there all night looking
like a complete bastard. I am your husband for God's sake. And yet you allowed me
to be someone's escort."

"Well, you don't really ask me anything you're not interested in, Xander. So
forgive me if you thought I offended you for not telling you that piece of
information. At hindi lang kung sino iyong sinamahan mo kagabi. It's your best
friend's birthday. Walang masama—"

"Did you tell that to your self too?"

That silenced me. Did he know how close he was to the truth? That I always, always
told myself that. Na walang mali sa nangyari. Na magkaibigan lang sila. Na ako ang
asawa ni Alex at hindi si Savannah?

How I convinced my self that he only loved me?

"Iba na ang sitwasyon ngayon. I told you,—"

I don't want to do this anymore. "I'm done." I stood up. The screeching sound of
the chair was harsh on my ears.

Tumayo rin si Alex. "Faith, talk to me. Huwag mo akong takbuhan."

I didn't turn. I didn't look at him. "The last time I checked, we really don't talk
to each other, Xander." And made my exit.     

* * * * *

Alex opened the door and stepped inside the house. The light was dim, the curtains
still open, and it was only as he walked towards the room that he saw the shape on
the sofa.

His heart fell.

Wala na siyang ibang naisip mula nong umalis siya ng bahay hanggang sa makarating
siya sa opisina niya kundi ang babaeng natutulog sa sofa na iyon. Buong araw. Just
like the way she occupied half of his mind the other night at the party.
He couldn't drop what happened last night. He could still taste that bitter tang of
emotions rising up within him as he watched her leave with someone else.

Nilapitan niya ito at umupo sa tapat nito. Once again, he was arrested at how
beautiful she was. The moonlight streaming from the window casted shadows on her
face illuminating her angelic face. He couldn't help running a finger through her
face, tracing her brows, her nose, her lips... love overwhelmed him.

Yes. He still love this infuriatingly baffling woman. That was the truth.

Who was he kidding? He'd fallen for her again. And despite everything she'd done,
he was too far in love with her than he already was, that he knew he'd never find a
way back.

He now knew it was the only reason why he couldn't forgive her for what she did. He
loved her all his life and yet it wasn't enough to make her stay. She still left
him. At nasaktan siya ng sobra.

Pero katulad ng sinabi noon ni Drew sa kanya, hindi magagawa ni Faith na basta-
basta na lang umalis ng walang dahilan.

But for what reason she left him? Kahit hanggang ngayon, hindi pa niya naririnig
kay Faith ang paliwanag na handa na niyang marinig. Even if the truth kills him,
pakikinggan pa rin niya iyon.

But she was still drawn inside her cocoon. He could sense her hiding inside her
shell. He wanted to draw her out, pull her out, but he couldn't force her. He
couldn't get her to talk if he do that.

So he would have to let her have her pace. Kahit matagal, maghihintay siya.  

He noticed her shiver when a cold breeze slipped inside from the open window.
Nakapaa lang din ito at walang kumot.

Napailing siya. Faith always do this when she wait for him before.

Something tugged at his heart.

He missed her. Missed everything she did. Her carefree smile that he adored so
much. Her laughter that was full of life. Lahat iyon, hindi na niya nasilayan
simula nang bumalik ito. Everything about her was dull and... colorless. He could
see now that everytime she smiled, there was a tinge of sadness in them. When she
came back, she looked guarded and unsure.
But not that night... when he saw her outside, watched her dancing and laughing
like a child beneath the rain and rolling thunder under her head.

What happened to her?

He remembered the first day he found her inside this house, standing.

He thought he was dreaming, like he was seeing a mirage. Ilang gabi niyang
pinanaginipan ang bagay na iyon, ang makita siyang bumalik suot ang ngiti nito. And
that she would tell him she never left him.

When the shock settled in, his bottled up rage exploded between his eyes. He was
not prepared to see her again. Seeing her again was something he would never be
ready for.  

But when he watched her sway and fell to the ground, he knew she had his heart
beating again.

He stood up, whisking those thoughts away from his mind. He wouldn't think of the
past now. Or that bitterness again. He would just beat himself for more torture and
agony. The past doesn't matter now.

He bent down and scooped the sleeping beuty from the couch and lifted her up,
gathered her close to him like a knight protecting a princess.  

* * * * *

Alex gently laid her down the bed and tuck her with the blanket. Nang tumayo siya
para umalis na, he saw her hand fell. It was just a whisper of a movement but
something in it that made his blood run cold. He seemed to stop breathing for a
moment.

Something told him there was something wrong.

"Faith." He croaked. Fraction of fear swept through him. He fought it as he walked

close to her. "Faith, wake up."

Bumilis pa lalo ang tibok ng dibdib niya habang tumatagal na hindi ito gumagalaw.
Terror was starting to rack him at hindi niya iyon matagalan. He jumped to her bed
and tried to wake her again by touching her face. "Faith, honey, wake up. Naririnig
mo ba ako?" He couldn't shake her because he was afraid to find her not waking up
at all.

"Faith, please wake up. Open your eyes..." he thought he would explode with dread
but then, she started to moan. It almost resembled a sigh—too faint, too weak. But
it was enough to calm his ramping nerves.
Her eyes fluttered. He felt a shudder ran down his body then. Sobra ang kabang
nawala sa kanya. Relief consumed him.  Suddenly he felt so raw and naked. The
strong desire to feel her heartbeat was so overpowering he had to clench his hands
into fist.

He wanted assurance that she was alive and breathing so he scooted closer to her
and wrapped a hand around her. Hindi pa rin ito nagising ng tuluyan pero ramdam
niya ang hininga nito sa balat ng leeg niya. He contented himself with this—holding
her, cocooning her with his warmth to ease her cold. Wala siyang pakialam kung
magising man ito at makita siyang ganito. That was the least of his problem now.

He would just stay here, beside her, where he could keep her safe and secure.

God! He missed her... her scent, how she perfectly molded against him, how she felt
close next to him, holding her like this... and to realize it was like a punch in
his gut. It made him feel breathless.

This time, he would never let her go. Not in a million years. Not when he still
lives.

* * * * *

Sa panaginip ko, nakita ko ang sarili kong nakahiga sa isang higaan. I looked so
peacefuli in my sleep. Pero may isang prinsipeng dumating at bumuhat sakin. His
strong arms were around me. Hindi ko mapigilang ihilig ang ulo ko sa dibdib niya.
He smelled nice too.

I knew that scent though...

Naramdaman ko ang init na iyon na pumulupot sa katwan ko. it felt so good that I
wanted to snuggle closer. But I felt too tired to move. Pakiramdam ko, hindi ko na
maigalaw kahit isang daliri ko sa pagod.

But just like a magic, I felt it moved closer... and tighter. Parang ayaw ko ng
magising pa.

That smell... I though I smell it somewhere...

It was like...

And then I became aware of everything.

I wasn't sleeping or dreaming. No. This was not dreaming. This was real. I could
feel someone... holding me tightly. And that smell... It was him. Alex owned that
scent.

My eyes flew open, and I instantly clashed with his slumberous gaze. "Alex..." it
came out a whisper as I planted both hands between us in an attempt to push him
away. It was my immediate reaction when I saw him that near, making me feel so
small and vulnerable to him.

I struggled again to be free from his arms. "Alex—" but he was made of steel.

His hands just tightened around my waist, "Just let me hold you like this for a
while." He said gruffly.

"A—"

"Ssshh.." he said and put a finger to my lips. "Don't ask. Don't say anything. Just
feel."

I noticed the emotions swirling in the depth of his eyes before he tucked his head
back above my head and pulled me closer still.  

I forced myself to relax and let him hold me. It felt so good to be held like this,
against his broad chest. I felt protected and cherished and safe.

It was dangerous.

"I know this seems a little strange to you, after all that happened." Alex looked
down on me again. "But I can't let you go again, Faith. Holding you again, like
this... I wonder how I lived for three years without you."

I shook my head, confused by the warmth in his eyes, his words. "Alex, ginugulo mo
ang isip ko. What are you doing here?"

A small smile played on his mouth. "You're calling me Alex."

"Xa—"

"I like it that way." sabi niya. He brought his head down until we came face to
face, his eyes burning into mine I had to look away.

I fought to stay sane despite the heated intensity in his eyes. I had to remind
myself before I duped myself into believing I was reading something in his eyes.
"Alex, what do you want?"
"This."

My heart stopped.

"What if I do want this, Faith? What if I want all of this?"

I frowned. "I don't know what you mean." I was feeling unsteady. This conversation
was going into unknown territory that I wasn't prepared for.

"You know execlty what I mean." I looked up. And wished I didn't have to look into
his eyes. He was so close now that all I would have to do was reach out and pull
him to me.

I shook my head, feeling seriously confused. But he had another thing in his mind.
He took my hand and held it between his before leaned closer and placed his mouth
gently over mine, his lips feathering across mine in a benediction, a healing kiss.

I gasped, and my hand tightened reflexively around his. My world exploded and I
felt as if my life was tilting into another dimension. 

And then an image flashed through my head, catching myself from this whirlwind.
Their voices resounded in my head.

 "Poor, poor, Faith. Mukhang wala ka talagang kaalam-alam..."

"Back off... Now is her chance to be with Xander. At ikaw... lumayas ka na sa buhay
ng kapatid ko."

"He don't need someone like you. He doesn't love you anymore."

"Huwag mo ng ipagsiksikan ang sarili mo. Tapos na ang papel mo sa buhay ni kuya...
umalis ka na sa buhay ni kuya at pabayaan mo siyang sumaya kay Savannah."

"I heard they're getting engaged this year..."

I felt sick. What kind of joke was this?

Anger surged and I pushed Alex away with all the strength I still have in me.
"Alex, hindi ko alam kung para saan ito, but you can stop this now. I don't know
what you think—"

"Stop fighting this, Faith. You can't run away from it any more than I can. You
know we have to talk at hindi tayo makakapag-usap ng maayos kung palagi ka na lang
umiiwas."

I tightly closed my eyes trying to keep my control. "We do have to talk, Alex—but
does it have to be like this? I mean, isn't this some sort of mockery?"

"You think that wanting to make a new start is mockery?" His voice was frigid.

I looked at him in bewilderment. "What new start? We're getting an annulment, Alex.
I'm leavving and—"

"I've stopped the annulment proceedings.'

My jaw dropped and my heart stopped. "You've what? Why?" I asked a little wildly.

"I think it's obvious now that we should stay married. I am giving us a second
chance and there's your safety to consider."

I felt cornered, trapped. "So in effect nothing will have changed? It'll still be a
marriage but you didn't still forgive me for my past sins. Iyon ba ang gusto mo?"
He was doing this for all the wrong reasons, and I couldn't do that.

"Is that so bad a prospect?" he asked quietly, a different quality in his voice.

"No...yes!" I almost threw my hands up in the air. He didn't know what he was
asking. It was heaven and hell. My heart was pumping so hard that it threatened to
burst from my chest. I looked at him and begged him silently to understand, not to
do this. Kung iyon lang ang dahilan niya... mas gugulo lang ang lahat.

"Alex, I can't. I won't. It's not fair on me or you. You deserve to have someone
who will love you, and I won't stand by and watch you sacrifice your happiness just
out of a sense of pity and duty. We can live a perfectly happy life separated."

"No. I won't have that."

I blanched at the vehemence in his voice.  "Alex, stop..."

He held my hands again and pulled me over. I could feel the tension in his body
transmitting into my own. I opened my mouth to speak, but he got in first. 'Faith,
just...let me speak, okay?'

I nodded warily. His hands were on mine, heavy.

"I'm sorry for being a coward. I hid and ran and turned away everytime I see you
trying to correct every wrong you did. I'm sorry I always slammed shut everytime
you go near me. But now... there's no more running away. No more hiding. I want to
bare everything naked btween us. I don't care about the past, it doesn't matter to
me now. All I care about is now. You're here, you came back. It's all that
mattered. I know that now."

I closed my eyes weakly. It was all coming back. "Don't, Alex. You don't know what
you're saying..."

I felt him touch my face, forcing me to tilt up my head so I could meet his eyes.
"Yes, maybe I'm going insane. Maybe my mind ran off out of my head. And the hell I
care! Hindi iyon ang kailangan kong pakinggan ngayon...I only need to listen
here..." e took my hand and placed it above his chest. I could feel the fast heavy
thid of his heart beat. "I'm willing to forget everything for this another chance
with you, Faith. But the question isn't on me. Are you willing to try again... with
me?"

That made me look into his eyes. He was sincere.

I shook my head helplessly, and to my chagrin my eyes filled with hopeless tears.

His hand clenched mine, rejecting my muted answer. "I don't believe you."

My hands lay limp in his, and I looked to a spot over his shoulder. Anything to
avoid the laser-like gaze. God! What should I do? I want this so bad...

"Just say yes..." Alex whispered, his eyes bright and hopeful.

The fight was too much. I was too tired. Did I really have the strength to walk
away from a lifetime with Alex?

I knew the answer.

Tears were choking me now. I couldn't speak. All I could do was nod as tears
started to roll down my face. He smiled happily, his hands shaking. He was nervous
and I know how much it took for him to say all this.

He pulled me closer again and I felt him kissed the top of my head. "Thank you." He
said almost as a whisper.   

My heart clenched almost painfully. My tears were blinding me, they just won't stop
flowing. But I know they were not from sadness... or from pain.

They were tears of happiness... love and hope.

They were tears of faith.

━━━━━━  « ღ » ━━━━━━ 

=================

Chapter ➌➁ | Little Things

Chapter ➌➁ | Little Things

Dark brows, deep set eyes, long straight nose, and that lips...

How beautiful life could be if you wake up everyday looking at these... with the
man who carried all the reasons for your existence.    

I know. It was almost a bliss. Frightening yet worth risking. There was always that
fear of unknown and uncertainty but happiness overshadows it. And as long as you're
happy... everything will be fine.

Indeed, life could be full of surprises.

One day, you're angry. The next day you're okay.

You decided one thing, and then the next thing you'll know, you're doomed for the
rest of your life for changing your mind.

This... I know this was that only thing in my life that I would regret. Sooner or
later. Perhaps.

I could be leaving soon... I know I would. Pero hindi pa naman oras, diba? I could
still spend time with Alex as much as I could, while we both have time. This was
what I wished for, hoped for, and dreamed of. All the impossibilities became
possible. I don't know what God planned or what He wanted but I do know there was a
reason for all of these. All I have to do was to have faith.

A tear escaped my eyes. I was not even aware I was crying. That's what too much
happiness does to people—it makes you a crazy person. It overwhelms you that you
could laugh or cry, or both at the same time.  

I was about to wipe it off when a hand reached for my face.

"Good morning." Alex said in his sleepy voice, gruffy and unused. But it still
sounded like a music to my ears. Then I felt his finger traced a trail of tear on
my cheek. His eyes opened a little bit wider and his brows resembled a frown when
he felt the water on his finger. "Hey... you're crying."

I held his hand that was holding my face and smiled. "Too much happiness I guess."

His face softened. "Come here." He wrapped his arms around me and held me against
his chest. "I've missed this."

"Namiss din naman kita..." ng sobra.

"Then why didn't you come back a lot sooner than this?" I tensed and almost coiled
away from him and he must've sensed it. "I'm sorry." Mabilis na sabi niya. "Just...
can we rewind that last five seconds?"

I smiled and started to relax a bit. I know he was trying. Everything between us
right now was fresh and fragile. We were starting a new life together, right now. A
life were those past three years didn't exist.

Could we do that?

He wanted to forget about it, leave them behind and start over. Does that mean he
forgive me now?

Perhaps. Or not. He just wanted to forget them, but he still hasn't forgiven me.  

Would that be enough?

Maybe now, it would be. Pero darating ang araw na kailangan naming harapin ang
nakaraan. Hindi man ngayon, pero darating din iyon. Sa ngayon, ito ang mahalaga. Na
pareho kaming masaya.

Pero bago iyon, sa tingin ko, may kailangan siyang malaman.

"Alex..."

"Hmm?" I heard him at the top of my head. His breath was slow, his heartbeat was
steady beneath my palms. I would think he was asleep if not for his hand gently
running through my hair.

"I have something to tell you."

He tensed. Tumigil ang kamay niya sa buhok ko at naramdaman kong lumayo siya ng
bahagya para tingnan ako. "Faith... it's okay. Hindi kita pipilitin. It's okay if
you don't want to tell me yet. I understand. Even if I am low with patience, I'll
try. So just forget what I said. Okay?"

Maybe he was still thinking about what he just said earlier, kaya lang... "I know.
Pero gusto kong sabihin 'to sayo ngayon bago pa ako mawalan ng lakas ng loob."

Tinitigan niya ako ng matagal, his eyes searching deep through my eyes. Maybe he
could see the determination in my eyes that made him sigh. "Okay... kung iyon ang
gusto mo, makikinig ako."

"You will believe me, right?"

His eyes flashed. "I will believe everything that you will say. Don't ever doubt
that."

That gave me courage. I could do this. I could open something from the past without
breaking this truce between us.

I took a deep breath and buried my head against his chest. "I did, actually."

He was silent for a momet. "What do you mean you did?"

Suddenly, I felt the air getting heavy. Kumawala ako sa pagkakayakap niya at
bumangon. Hindi ko siya tiningnan. Hindi ako lumingon. Looking at him would be too
much. I took another deep breath and said, "I did came back early... two years ago.
I came home, to you."

Mabilis siyang bumangon. Naramdaman kong lumundag ang kama nang bumaba siya.
Pinulot niya ang damit niya sa sahig at sinuot iyon.

I thought maybe I said something wrong. Siguro hindi niya nagustuhan ang nalaman
niya. Did I do the wrong tthing?

Did I just blow this up?

Finally, he turned to me. I could see his jaw working. Confusion visible from his
eyes. "Then why... bakit hindi ka nagpakita sakin?"

"Because..." I looked down when I remembered that night. And suddenly, I wasn't so
sure about this anymore.  

Alex strode back to bed and sat in front of me. "Look at me, Faith." He took my
face with both of his hands and made me look at him. "Tell me what happened?"
* * * * *

Alex waited. He was starting to feel impatient again but he fought for forbearance.
He couldn't force her. That would intimidate her. And if he do that, he'd most
likely throw this miracle away as fast as he could flash a toilet.

He could see her hesitating, kaya lumapit siya rito at umupo sa tabi nito. "Look at
me, Faith." He cupped her face and turned it up to face him. "Tell me what
happened?"

She looked away and then back. Her voice was so quiet he almost didn't hear her. "I
overheard your conversation with your sister."

Alex's head was beginning to heart. Bakit nasali si Lexie sa usapan nila? "My
conversation with Lexie...?"

Tumango ito. "It was the day I came back... It was dark when I got home... " she
balked for a second.  She gulped. "I could hear voices... arguing. And I realized
it was you and Lexie. Lexie was angry."

And then he remembered. Vividly. The way his sister tried to back him into a
corner, make him reveal himself when he hadn't even known how he felt. All he had
known was that he wanted to protect Faith from her abusive and venomous attack,
which steamed from her past relationship's betrayal of her. Lexie was a sweet
sister. She was a good person. But her wrong choice of relationship turned her to
become cynic and bitter about life and the world. She always finds fault on every
person.

He already knew she wouldn't like Faith. She never really liked anyone. She never
thought anyone could be good for him. And when Faith left... she had a great time
rubbing his mistake to his wound.

"I hadn't mean to listen. I came home from..." she lifted a hand ineffectually and
let it drop. "I just... after what I've heard... hindi na ako nakahanap ng
pagkakataong magpakita sayo. So even when I was gone, I knew you wanted to annul
this marriage. I knew where I stood the day I came back."

The words came back to haunt him now. Clearly Faith had heard the worst of it. Like
shards of crystal, moments, snippets started to come to him.

He muttered a curse and stood up. He could only imagine what Faith must've thought
when she heard everything he said. Kasalanan niya kaya hindi umuwi si Faith ng
dalawang taon. It was his goddamn fault!
"Alex—"

"I'm sorry." His voice was raw with emotions. Regret was something he never wanted
to feel. Because he knew now how bitchy it can get. It was like it was eating him
alive.

Hindi niya napansing nasa tabi na pala niya ang asawa niya. "No, don't apologize.
It was not your fault. I understand you were angry."

"God, Faith. It was not something you should understand. Kaslanan ko ang nangyari.
But you have to know, you have to know I only said them to protect you from my
sister. Yes, I did issue an annulment, but that was the only thing I know how to
lure you out. Hindi ko na alam ang gagawin ko. I don't know where to find you. Para
kang nawala ng parang bula."

"I'm sorry." She whispered.

He muttered another curse. He would blow up everything if he don't stop now. He

could see that talking about the past was not a good ground for something he wanted
to have. Totoo, handa siyang maghintay para sa paliwanag nito. But it seemed like
every time he knew something, mas lumalabas na siya ang may kasalanan. Sa tuwing
may nalalaman siya... he would end up getting angry on himself.

He reined his rage back in control, something he was good at after a long years of
practice. Pero lagi na lang iyon nawawala sa tuwing may kinalaman si Faith.

When he had his control back, he took Faith's hand. He let her sit on the bed and
kneeled in front of her. "No more talk about this. I don't want to blow off this
chance."    

Slowly. Faith nodded her head. Pinunasan niya ang isang luhang bumaba sa pisngi
nito. "You trust me?"

She nodded. And he though someone had punched his gut when he saw her smiled.      

* * * * *

Habang nakatayo ako rito sa labas at nakatanaw sa mga bulaklak ng hardin, hindi ko
maiwasang itanong sa sarili ko kung totoo ba lahat ng mga nangyari. Kung
nananaginip ba ako?

Kung isang panaginip lang ito, siguro ayoko ng magising.

Pero hindi... Alam kong hindi ito sa panaginip. Everything was real. Alex was
finally giving me that chance I was hoping for.
"Ate, may tawag po kayo." Dumungaw si Maryl mula sa pintuan.

I turned and walked inside the house. "Sino raw?" tanong ko kay Maryl na naglalakad
sa unahan ko.

"Jed daw po."

Si Jed? Why would he call?

I picked up the receiver and looked for Maryl. Saka ko lang sinagot iyon nang
pumasok na ito sa kusina. "Hello, Jed. Napatawag ka?"

I heard a sigh. "It's about your test results."

May bumundol sa dibdib ko. Kinabahan ako. "Anong tungkol don? May resulta na ba?"

"Well, the results was out. But I had to send them to your doctor. I'm not sure I'm
seeing them correctly."

"You send them to your dad?"

"He knew what happened to you. Gusto niyang tingnan ang mga resulta ng tests mo.
He's your doctor, so I had to give them to him."

"Jed... did you find something?"

"Actually, iyon ang rason kaya ako tumawag sayo." His vice sounded grim.

"Is.. is there something wrong?" I gripped the phone as I waited. The fact that he
had to notify his father was enough to tell me there must be something wrong,
again. And I could feel it.

"There's nothing conclusive yet as of now." I closed my eyes and swayed as relief
flooded through me. Napaupo ako sa katabi kng sofa bago pa ako tuluyang bumagsak sa
sahig, but I heard him continued. "Dad couldn't find anything aside from slight
deviations. But he said you'll have to repeat your MRI and CAT scan. Doon lang siya
medyo nahihirapan. The first scan was okay but the images were just giving the
large details and he wanted to see the smaller details."

I was sinking down slowly as I listened to him. What was Dr. Brewester trying to
find?

"Jed, I can trust you right?"

"Yes... you know that."

Please tell me everything's going to be fine.

"Then you'll tell me if I am in danger again, right?"

"I am a doctor... and your friend. It is my job to tell you the truth. But... I
hope not." He sighed. "Besides, there's still the operation waiting for you. May
pag-asa pa."

Yes. The operation. For a while, I almost forgot about it.

But what about Alex?

My mind rolled. What would happen to him? What would happen to all of this? He...
he said we would start a new chapter. We could start again.

But what if... "Jed... What if... I don't do it?"

"Faith, there's not a chance that you will not do it. You have to do it. You have
to come back. Nakapagdesisyon ka na, hindi ba? All you have to do is to coma back."
Mariing sabi ni Jed.  

Tama siya. I chose to come back because I thought... I thought I couldn't come back
again. I came back to ask for forgiveness so I could leave peacefully. So Alex
could be happy again. 

But everything changed now.

Jed's voice rang in my ear. "You can't not do it, you know that."

Because if don't... then...

"Yes... I know." I sounded defeated. Because I do. And it was hurting me knowing
that I couldn't do anything about it.

I finally got what I hoped for... I could be happy again. I could finally spend my
time with Alex, to the man I love.

But fate was robbing my happiness again.

"Faith, don't lose hope. You will survive just like you did. I believe in you, so
please... you would fail not just every one of us but yourself too if you give up
now."

I held the tears that was starting to build as I realized that I mistook a dream
for a reality. This was the reality. And what I had with Alex was the dream. "I'm
sorry. Just forget I said that. Medyo magulo lang kasi ang isip ko ngayon kaya..."

Again, Jed let out another air. "It's fine. It's okay. Just talk to me anytime,
okay?"

I nodded even if he couldn't see it, and I swallowed the bile stuck at my throat.
"Pupunta na lang ako sa hospital mamaya."

"Okay. I'll be here." He paused. "Sasamahan ka ba ni Alex?"    

I shook my head fiercely. "No." Alex would never know this. I couldn't. "There's no
need. He's busy kaya ako na lang mag-isa ang pupunta."

"Are you sure?"

I nodded again. I knew what he meant. But he'd be there. He wouldn't let me get
through there alone. "I'll see you there."

As I put the phone back, I just realized that I was facing the same past.

And I could never escape from it.

━━━━━━  « ღ » ━━━━━━ 

=================

Chapter ➌➂ | Caterpillar

Chapter ➌➂ | Caterpillar

When I woke the sun was high outside and I felt completely disorientated. The bed
was empty beside me and I closed my eyes. The bittersweet relief that went through
me to find that I was alone was palpable.

I don't want to face Alex with this guilt I was feeling.

I found him at home when I came back from the hospital yesterday. Maaga siyang
umuwi kahapon dahil gusto niya akong surpresahin. As always. At nasurprisa talaga
ako nang makita ko siyang naghihintay sakin. He planned to take me out for dinner.
Pero hindi iyon natuloy dahil nagsisimula ng dumilim nang dumating ako.

I was already thinking of what to tell him if he started to ask question where I
went. But to my surprise, he never did. But I knew he was waiting. Naghihintay siya
na ako ang magsabi sa kanya, na hindi na niya kailangang magtanong para sabihin ko
sa kanya.

I guess he was trying to tell me he trust me. And that I should trust him too.

But it's not him that I don't trust―it's me.

Bumangon ako at nahagilap ng mata ko ang mga pagkaing nakahain sa maliit na mesa sa
isang sulok ng kuwarto.

Alex. He never changed.

Lumapit ako doon nang maramdaman ko ang pagkalam ng sikmura ko. Hindi ako nakakain
ng maayos kagabi kaya kaunti lang ang nakain ko bago pumasok sa kuwarto at iwan si
Alex. I was so close to telling him everything last night. And I felt relieved I
didn't.

Nakita ko ang mga gamot na nakaayos sa tabi ng baso ng tubig sa mesa. Alex had been
giving me these medications per Jed's order ever since the night Jed found me
unconscious. But Alex never knew that I never took one since then. Pain killers
lang yata ang iniinom ko sa tuwing nakakaramdam ako ng sakit ng ulo. But they were
still not enough to stop the pain from coming back.    

It was still the same, after all. Bumalik ako para lang maulit ang mga nangyari. I
still face the same past. I still had to choose the same choices.

But could I choose different this time?

Could I take the path different from what I had chosen before?

My head hurts. I don't know what to think or what to do anymore.

Tell Alex.

And then... what? If he knew, what else could he do? I still might leave and not
stay.
But I don't want to leave yet. Gusto kong makasama si Alex kahit gaano katagal.
Kung hindi siguro kami nagkaayos ni Alex, dalawang buwan na lang ang natitira sa
palugid ko.

Siguro umalis na ako. But then... nobody knows.

* * * * *

The sun was just starting to set when I heard noises behind me. I turned I I saw
the most beautiful man I ever beheld walking straight to me. He looked so
breathtaking with the gold sunshine bathing around him.        

And I thought... if I tell him, would he understand if I choose to leave? Would he

let me go?

I schooled my features into a happy and bright mask. But still when he got closer
to me I couldn't stop that impulse to throw every doubt away and just trust fate.
My heart spasmed when his lips slowly lifted into a smile, his eyes shining with
happiness. Then he caught me completely off guard when he caught my waist and
hugged me from behind, his arms tight across me.

"Ngayon ka lang?" I sounded almost breathless.

"Hmm?" I felt his breath whispered through my ears.

"I thought you're supposed to come home early." I said, hiding the heavy emotions
smothering me.

"I was home an hour ago and I was watching you the whole time you're standing here.
Then I remembered you always look at the flowers or the sunset when you're thinking
something deep." He shifted to look at me from behind. "Penny for your thoughts?"

I smiled ruefully thinking how much he still remember about me. Dati, ang akala ko
matagal na niyang kinalimutan lahat ng bagay tungkol sakin, dahil alam kong galit
siya. But listening to him was telling me that he never really forget things about
me. He just buried them deep in his mind but they were still there. Never
forgotten.  

I held his arms surrounding me and I sighed, feeling all contented and happy. I
asked, "Alex, do you believe in another life? That there's life after death?"

"Why are you suddenly asking me that kind of question?" He seemed bemused as he
looked at me. Nagulat siguro siya dahil bigla ko na lang iyon tinanong sa kanya.

I shrugged. "Nothing... I just find it amusing. Isa pa, tinatanong mo kung anong
iniisip ko, diba?"

He looked at me for a long moment, trying to figure me out. Ngumiti ako saka umiwas
kaagad ng tingin. I was afraid he could look through my mind. "Simpleng tanong lang
naman iyon, kaya huwag mo ng hanapan ng meaning." Sabi ko na lang.

Narinig ko siyang bumuntong hininga. "I didn't actually believe in things like
that. Life after death... Reincarnation... parang imposible. Pero ngayon, parang
gusto kong maniwala na hindi rito nagtatapos ang buhay. I might not be a religious
man, but I believe there's God. And God makes everything possible."

"Bakit hindi ka naniniwala noon?"

Tahimik siya nong una. But after a while of silence, he said, "I was never a
fairytale kind of man, I guess."

He once was. But after what I did, I guess I changed him.

Nakakalungkot lang isispin na ako ang dahilan ng pagbabago niya sa pananaw niya sa
buhay. He said I made him mesirable, that I was the reason why he'd come to hate
the world.

Kung sa kabilang buhay kaya, would we ever cross each others fate? Magkikita pa rin
ba kami? Would we have the same destiny?

Tiningnan ko siya sa likuran ko, "Alex... If you'd live another life, if you can
choose... what life would you want to live?"I asked.

Kumunot ang noo niya saka sinubukang ngumiti. "Now you're really creeping me out
here. Are you sure you want to talk about this?"

I nodded. "Just answer me."

He made a thoughtful face and acted like he was thinking seriously, "Well, to
answer that ridiculous question," siniko ko siya pero tumawa lang siya.

"Yung seryoso." I warned.

He sobered a little but the amusement was still in his face. "Gusto mo talagang
malaman?"tumango ako. Inayos niya iyong buhok ko na nilipad ng hangin saka
seryosong tumingin sa mga mata ko. "I think I'd like to be a man who will fall in
love with you all over again..." he answered. And I felt my heart constrict. Hindi
ko inasahang iyon ang isasagot niya. "And what about you?"

I could feel I was starting to tear up, but I tore my gaze away and looked at
something. "Can you see that?" I pointed somewhere across the flower beds.

It was a little too far from where we were standing so he couldn't see it properly.
I walked out from his embrace and pulled his hand. Lumapit kami ng kaunti sa mga
halaman. "What's that?" he asked curiously when he saw what I was pointing out.

"It's a cocoon, protecting a caterpillar." I said and sat near the plant where that
small sac hanging to. "I think I'd like to be like them."

Naramdaman kong umupo si Alex sa tabi ko. "A tiny pouch?" hindi makapaniwalan
tanong niya.

"No." I argued smiling slightly. Siguro iniisip niya na nagbibiro lang ako o kaya
ay nasisiraan ng ulo. But I wasn't. "Not a pouch, but a caterpillar." Paglilinaw
ko. pero lalo lang kumunot ang noo niya. He couldn't understand the logic that was
hidden in my choice. And maybe he would understand if I tell him.

Bumalik sa mga halaman ang atensyon ko. A bleak smile appeared on my face just as I
started to speak. "Their life cycle was different from humans, or from any other
insects. Butterfly lay eggs to become a larvae or a caterpillar. But to become an
adult butterfly, a caterpillar must die.

"I think for them, death only means another beginning. Another life. When a
caterpillar dies, life doesn't stop there. It will break free from its shell and
become another form... it will turn into a much more beautiful creature. It will
have wings with different beautiful colors... so they can fly.

"I think if I could be a caterpillar, I could have two lives. Even if I die once, I
could still live another life again... and be free... Like a butterfly, flying and
soaring up high..." I put up one hand above my head and imagined it touches the
sky, the clouds... 

"Where does that fit me?"

I dropped my hand abruptly when I heard Alex. I nearly forgot him beside me.
Masyado yata akong nadala sa pag-iisip. Tiningnan ko siya. He was not looking at me
but at the sky. Nakatingala siya sa langit katulad ng ginawa ko kanina. I could see
the reflective look on his face, as if he was contemplating what I was trying to
say.

"You could be a flower."

Kunot noong tumingin siya sakin, "Me? A flower?" tanong niya habang itinuro sa
sarili.

I laughed lightly, "Bakit, ayaw mo?"

Nalukot ang ilong niya. "Masyadong pambabae."

"Bakit? Puwede namang maging babae ka. I could be a male butterfly too."

Natatawang inakbayan niya ako. "I can't believe I'm arguing about this." Sabi niya
habang umiiling.

Ngumiti lang ako saka humilig sa balikat niya.

Today was a good day. Masaya sana kung palagi kaming ganito.

But I still have six months left before I have to go back. I have less than two
hundred days to be with Alex. At hindi ko sasayangin ang bawat sigundo ng mga araw
na iyon.

And if I have to go back there, gusto kong bumalik ulit. I want to spend the rest
of my life with Alex. Nang sa ganoon, wala akong pagsisisihan sa buhay ko.    

Marami na ang nangyari. Maybe if I stayed, wala sigurong mawawala. Nothing could
happen again if I chose to be here. Hindi ko na puwedeng iwan si Alex katulad ng
dati. Tapos na ang nakaraan. It wouldn't happen again, would it? Everything would
be fine now.

I'd pray this time I wouldn't have to leave again.

* * * * *

Lumitaw ang ngiti sa bibig ko nang magsimulang tumugtog ang kanta sa stereo ng
kotse.

Imagine me and you, I doI think about you day and night, it's only rightTo think
about the girl you love and hold her tightSo happy together    

"Ang galing, Xander! Hindi halatang pinaghandaan mo 'to eh, no?" sigaw ni Drew sa
likod.

"Xander, kung sana sinabi mong magkakaprobema ka sa pagpili ng kanta, sana sinabi
mo na lang sakin. I could've recommended a better song." Reklamo naman ni Excel.

"Nah. I like this better." Alex said as he threw me a side-way glance.

If I should call you up, invest a dimeAnd you say you belong to me and ease my
mindImagine how the world could be, so very fineSo happy togetherI can't see me
lovin' nobody but youFor all my lifeWhen you're with me, baby the skies'll be
blueFor all my life

Pareho kaming nakaupo sa front seat. Narinig lang namin ang sabay-sabay na daing ng
mga nasa likuran namin. Mukhang alam na ng lahat kung bakit addict si Alex sa
kantang 'to. This song was apparently one of his happy song.

Sa mga hindi nakakaalam, isa pong Rocker ang asawa ko. At nagpapatugtog lang si
Alex ng mga ganitong mga kanta kapag masaya siya.

Katulad ngayon.

Me and you and you and meNo matter how they toss the dice, it has to beThe only one
for me is you, and you for meSo happy togetherIf I should call you up, invest a
dime (Call you up)And you say you belong to me and ease my mind (Ease my
mind)Imagine how the world could be, so very fine (Very fine)So happy together
(together)

Sinurprisa niya ako nang makita ko ang mga kaibigan ko paggising ko kaninang umaga.
Ang akala ko may nangyayari ng gulo dahil sobrang ingay. Kaya ganon na lang ang
gulat ko nang makita ko sina Emma, kuya Drew, Jannah, at Patty sa kusina, pati mga
asawa nila.

Nang tanungin ko si Alex kung ano ang nangyayari, saka ko lang narealize na ako
lang yata ang hindi nakakaalam sa mga nangyayari.

Apparently, Alex was taking me out on a picnic. Matagal na raw niyang pinlano ito.
He was secretly asking his friends about the place, what food to bring, and if
whether I would love this surprise. All those time, wala man lang akong kaalam-alam
sa binabalak niya.

Dahil dito, nakita ko talaga kung gaano niya kagustong ibalik ang dati. Kung gaano
niya kagustong magsimula ulit kami.

He wanted this as bad as I do. And I wanted to help him. I wanted to make this work
too. At magagawa ko lang iyon once I tell him everything.

I can't see me lovin' nobody but youFor all my lifeWhen you're with me, baby the
skies'll be blueFor all my life, for all my life

"Faith." Napatingin ako sa likod. "Seriously, ano bang nakita mo diyan kay Xander?
Napaka-obvious na walang ka-taste-taste pagdating sa magagandang kanta." Komento ni
Patty.

I smiled. Everyone seemed settled and looking excited about this day. Ngayon lang
ulit kami nagkasama-sama pagkatapos ng mahabang panahon... well, it was my first
time being with them again after my long three years of absence. And this was
making me happy, that we're all together again like we used to.

"Eh ikaw din naman, Pats. Walang taste sa lalaki." Emma said, looking outside her
window. Lahat kami napatingin kay Excel.

"Really?" Excel countered. Siyempre, hindi nito palalagpasin ang sinabi ng mortal
nitong kaaway. "Drew, kung ako sayo, pag-isipan mo munang mabuti bago ka pasakal. I
tell you, you'll turn ino a maid if you marry her."

Mabilis na tiningnan ni Emma si Excel na nakaupo sa unahan niya. Thank God they
were sitting far away to each other. "Ah, so lumabas din ang totoo. You heard him,
Pats. Nagpasakal siya, hindi nagpakasal."

Narinig kong lumakas iyong tunog ng stereo. Pagtingin ko, Alex was turning up the
volume. "That should shut them up." He said and began singing the lyrics. Natawa na
lang ako nang sabayan siya ng ibang kasama namin habang naririnig ko pang
nagbabangayan sina Excel at Emma sa likod.

About my life (Yeah!)Call you upEase my mind, Ease my mind, Ease my mind!

I can't see me lovin' nobody but youFor all my lifeWhen you're with me, baby the
skies'll be blueFor all my life, for all my lifeBa-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-
baSo happy together (Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba)So happy together (Ba-ba-
ba-ba-ba-ba Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba)So how is the weather? (Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba Ba-ba-ba-
ba-ba-ba)So happy together (Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba)

As I looked at eveybody, their happy smiles, the excited look on their face... I
knew every one was happy.

Today was a happy day and Alex wanted me to be happy too. Naisp ko tuloy, kaya
siguro tinawag na 'present' and 'ngayon'. Because everyday is a gift. And it felt
like today was Alex's gift—a gift that I would treasure for all it's worth.

I looked over at Alex and he was looking at me, smiling. Then he reached a hand to
mine and held them.

How I wished this day would never end.  

* * * * *

Tiningnan ko ang natitirang hagdanang kailangan ko pang akyatin bago kami

makarating sa lugar na pupuntahan namin. Napabuntong-hininga ako.

Sa tingin ko mababalian na ako ng tuhod sa pagod kapag nakarating na kami sa

tuktok.
I looked over and I saw I was the only one behind them. Nasa taas na halos ang iba.

"Are you okay?" napalingon ako. Alex was just coming up. Ang akala ko nauna na
siya. 

"Xander!" narinig naming sigaw ni Emma aling itaas. "Bakit hindi mo man lang kami
sinabihan na magma-mountain climbing tayo ngayon?"

Natawa kami pareho ni Alex pero hindi niya ito pinansin at tumingin ulit sakin. He
looked worried. "Kaya mo pa?"

Huminga ako ng malalim. "Akala ko nauna ka na." huminga ulit ako ng isa pa. It
seemed like talking was making me more tired. "Magpapahinga muna ako. Nakakapagod."
Umupo ako sa isang baitang ng hagdan.

"It's just a few more steps and were there." Sabi ni Alex.

Tiningnan ko siya ng masama. "Ilang 'few more' iyon?" sabi ko. Pasalamat nga siya
kasi lalaki siya. He have tons of horsepower to climb up that stairs. Kung may
muscle lang ako.

"Come." He suddenly put out a hand. "Let's walk them together." Tiningnan ko iyong
kamay niya. Tapos bigla niyang kinuha iyong kamay ko. "Come on. Let's walk before
the sun gets too hot. Baka abutan tayo ng araw, mainitan ka." Then he pulled me up.

Wala na akong nagawa nang hilahin na niya ako habang umaakyat siya. He seemed
energized taking me all the way up. Dahil doon kaya sinubukan kong akyatin ang
walang katapusang hagdan na iyon.

Sa isip ko, habang hawak-hawak ni Alex ang kamay ko, kakayanin kong akyatin ang
hagdan na iyon. I felt like I could climb even the highest mountain in the world...
As long as Alex was holding my hand, I felt invincible.  

* * * * *

Nang maka-akyat na kami, I thought I could scream from happiness.

Ang ganda ng lugar. It was breathtakingly scenic. I couldn't believe we were

standing at the top of a hill. Kita ang buong siyudad mula roon.

Hindi nasayang ang pagod namin sa pag-akyat. It was like we had our grand price
when we reached the top, at may bunos pa. I felt proud Alex found this place.
Talaga ngang pinaghandaan niya ito ng sobra pa sa inaakala ko.
Nagkanya-kanya kami ng gawain pagkatapos naming magpahinga ng ilang sandali. Iyong
mga lalaki, nagset-up ng tent para may masilungan kami kapag bigla na lang umulan.
Mahirap na. Nasa ibaba pa iyong kotse namin. Kaming mga babae naman ang nag-ayos ng
mga pagkain. Ilang sandali pa, napansin kong lumapit si Excel samin.  

"Excel," tinapik ni Patty ang kamay ng asawa nang abutin nito ang isang sandwich.
"Mamaya ka na kumain." Saway nito.

"Hon, nagugutom na ako." Sabi naman ni Excel na napahawak sa sikmura. Pero hindi
ito pinansin ni Patty. Then I almost laughed when I saw him use his baby face. I
never thought Excel would act adorable like that.

Nameywang si Patty at naiinis na hinarap si Excel. "Huwag mo akong gamitan ng

ganyang mukha, Mister. Sasamain ka sakin." Mataray na sabi nito.

Excel pouted. "Why? I thought this always worked." sabi nito tapos itinuro ang
mukha. 

"Yeah, and I always ended up pregnant." Patty mutteed. Natakpan ko bigla ang bibig
ko, tapos napansin kong ganon din ang ginawa ni Jannah. We exchanged looks. Alam
kong malapit na rin siyang humalakhak. Those two were crazy. Mukhang nakalimutan na
yata nilang may tao sa paligid nila.

"Well, you're hardly going to be now." Excel teased.

"Children," saway ni Jannah. Mukhang hindi na ito nakatiis sa PDA ng dalawa.

"Behave." She warned.

"Pats, bakit hindi mo na lang sipain iyang mister mo palayo rito?" dumating si Emma
dala ang ibang pagkain. "Kelalaking tao, ayaw magbanat ng buto. Mas inuuna pang
magpalubo ng tiyan." Nagkatinginan kaming tatlo. This spelled TROUBLE.

At mukhang nabasa din iyon ni Excel. Mabuti na lang at hindi nito pinatulan si Emma
at umiwas na lang. He turned and walked away, but he still left a message. "For
years, I never understood why my wife have a friend like you." Sabi nito.

"Well, back at you!" pahabol na sigaw ni Emma rito. "Hmp! Pasalamat ang mokong na
iyon, mahal siya ng kaibigan ko. Kung hindi, matagal ko na siyang pinakain sa alaga
ng lola kong buwaya." Padabog na binagsak nito ang mga pagkaing dala.

Jannah tried to change the topic. "May chrocodile pet ang lola mo?"

"Wala. Patay na ang lola ko." galit na sagot ni Emma.

Napabunong hininga si Patty. "Hay. Hindi na talaga kayo magkasundo ni Excel."

"I told you. Magkakaroon ng World War III kapag pinagsama ninyo kami ng asawa mo sa
iisang lugar."

"Eh bakit hindi na lang kayo magksundo?" sabad ko.

"Maybe you should ask him first. And if he says he will, ipapaharap ko siya sa
alaga kong dinasuor."

Sabay-sabay kaming napa-bintong hininga ulit. Hindi na secreto samin ang pagkulo ng
dugo ni Emma kay Excel. That rivalry rooted from our college days when they both
participated in a debate contest. Nagkataong magka-iba sila ng sinalihang team. Sa
finals, ang team nila ang nagkaharap. And unfortunately for Emma, tinalo sila ng
grupo ni Excel.

It would be okay though, kung hindi lang sana sila ang representing members ng
bawat team. And knowing Emma with her tall and big pride, it didn't end well with
her. Kaya iyon.

Ganon ka-ancient. Ang akala namin mawawala din iyon kapag nagsipag-asawa na kami.
But it seemed even if we had children and grandchildren, talagang hindi
magkakasundo ang dalawang iyon.

"Well, we should thank God hindi sila ang nagkatuluyan." Bulong ni Jannah para
hindi siya marinig ni Emma. "Diba nga may kasabihan, 'The more you hate, the more
you love'?"

"Eh kahit naman halos nagbabangayan iyang dalawang iyan sa tuwing nagkikita sila,
mahal din naman nila ang isa't isa. They just don't want to admit that." Patty
coolly said. Tama siya. Because if they really hate each other that much, I don't
think they would come today knowing they would have to see each other. Isa pa,
kilala ko si Emma. Magaling lang siyang mag-galit-galitan pero malaki ang
pagmamahal niya. 

Nasanay na lang kami sa dalawa na halos naging parte na ng katatwanan moments namin
ang bangayan nila. Siguro dahil doon kaya ganon sila. Hindi makokompleto ang
samahan namin kung wala ang Emma and Excel duo.

* * * * *

Alex let out a sigh.

Finally, he did it. Matagal na niyang pinlano ang picnic na ito. Hindi niya
sigurado nong una kung magtatagumpay siya. He had doubts. Hindi niya alam kung
matutuwa si Faith. Pero hindi siya tumigil. He wanted to take his wife out and have
fun. Just like how they were before.
Sa una, pinlano niyang silang dalawa lang. To catch up with their lost times. Pero
naisip niya na mas sasaya siguro si Faith kung kasama nila ang mga kaibigan nila.
Isa pa, matagal na rin silang hindi nagkakasama-samang lahat.

Watching her laughing and smiling happily, he knew he did the right thing.

All his efforts were paid off. He felt like he won a lifetime award just by looking
at her so happy and carefree. It was as if he was seeing her for the first time all
over again. 

"Xander, maawa ka naman kay Faith."

Napalingon si Alex kay Billy. "Huh?" he asked absent-mindedly.

"Konti na lang, matutunaw na siya." Sabi nito na may ngiting nakakaloko.

Kinuha niya ng isang bato sa tabi niya at itinapon iyon sa kung saan. "Bug off
Billy." This dude was making fun of him. Nahuli lang siyang nakatingin, piniprito
na siya ng buhay. So what? Asawa naman niya ang tinititigan niya. Tch! Mga epal
talaga.

"Pansin ko lang," sabad ni Drew. "Bakit ang weird ng aura mo ngayon? Umamin ka nga,
bading ka ba?" diretsong tanong nito.

Tiningnan niya ito ng masama. Isa pa 'to. Hindi siya maka-tsempong hawakan ang
kamay ni Faith dahil lagi itong sumusulpot sa pagitan nila. Eh kung sipain na lang
kaya niya ito? Parang nananadya eh. "Gusto mong makakita ng puwet ng kabayo? Marami
sa ibaba."

Drew backed off. Pero naroon pa rin ang ngiti sa bibig nito. "Don't blame me if I
find your shirt off." Tapos tinapik siya nito sa balikat. "Man, you're wearing
orange!" he said gravely as if he committed a serious crime. Anong masama sa pag-
susuot ng orange? 

"Get off my neck, will you?" he said shrugging off his hand. Tumingin na lang siya
sa ibang direksyon. Siya na naman ang pinagtitripan ng mga loko niyang kaibigan.

Sabay na nagkatawanan ang tatlo. Excel came up beside him. "Kahit kelan talaga,
asar-talo ka pa rin." Sabi nito sabay tapik sa balikat niya.  "Kaya ka laging
inaasar ng mga iyan eh."

He just looked at his brother with an accusing look. Kung makapagsalita ito parang
walang kasalanan. Isa rin naman ito sa nang-aasar sa kanya noong nagpapalano pa
lang siya tungkol sa picnic na ito.

Hindi na lang niya naiwasang mapa-buntong hininga ulit.

Mga baliw nga siguro ang mga kaibigan niya, and if he could choose, mas pipiliin
niyang mapag-isa kasama ang asawa niya sa araw na ito.

But then, he knew this was much a better choice.

He would let these guys ruin his plans today. Ngayong araw lang. They could have
this day because he could always spend time with Faith anytime, from now on. At
sisiguraduhin niyang hindi masasayang ang bawat araw na iyon. He would make every
minute counts.    

━━━━━━  « ღ » ━━━━━━ 

 A/N: How was this chapter? :) 

Don't forget to comment and vote, readers. Mwah! 

-- AyamiLu ^^v

=================

Chapter ➌➃ | Last Chance

Chapter ➌➃ | Last Chance

"Bakit nakahiga ka lang dito?"

Dumilim ang paningin ko at napalitan ng isang mukha ang ang kaninang tinititigan
kong mga dahon.

"Aren't you having fun?" Alex said smiling down on me.

Ang lapit-lapit ng ulo niya sakin kaya madali kong naabot ang pisngi niya. We were
facing each other oppositely kaya ang ilong niya ang direktang nakikita ng mata ko.
Pinisil ko iyon. "This was nice. Thank you for doing this."

He smiled. "Bakit hindi ka sumali samin maglaro? It's a lot of fun than lying
here." sabi niya. They were playing softball. Nanood ako kanina kaya lang...

Nalukot ang ilong ko. "Dito na lang ako. Mainit kasi." Sabi ko na lang.
Kumunot ang noo niya at hinawakan ang ulo ko. "Are you feeling okay?" he asked
worriedly.

Alam kong kapag sinabi ko sa kanya, mag-aalala lang siya. Pero kapag hindi naman,
he would know pretty soon.

I sighed. "I was a bit dizzy kaya gusto kong humiga sandali." Sagot ko at agad na
lumitaw ang pag-aalala sa mukha niya. "Pero mawawala din 'to. Masyado lang kasi
akong nainitan." I assured him. Ayokong mag-alala siya sa araw na 'to. Isa pa, I
was sure it was the heat making me feed dizzy.

He still looked unconvinced, kaya inabot ko ang noo niya para tanggalin ang
pagkaka-kunot niyon. "Wala kang dapat na ipag-alala. I'm okay. Konting pahinga
lang, mawawala din 'to."

He sighed. "I think we already did have this conversation before." Tumayo siya at
muling umupo. "Here. Dito ka humiga." Ginawa niyang unan ko iyong mga hita niya.
"Okay?"

"Puro naman muscle 'tong unan ko." natatawang sabi ko. "But it feels nice." I
sighed and closed my eyes. At least medyo gumaan ang pakiramdam ko ngayong katabi
ko siya.

Narinig ko siyang huminga. "You're more beautiful than I remembered." He said, his
voice sounded husky.

Dumilat ako ng mata. "At ikaw, bolero ka pa rin hanggang ngayon."

Nakita kong unti-unting bumaba ang ulo niya at naramdaman ko na lang na hinalikan
niya ako sa noo. "I'm afraid I'll wake up from this dream and find you gone again."
his voice held so much emotions in it that turned me speechless. Hindi lang pala
ako ang natatakot. We both were scared to lose this.  

I touched his face again. "Hindi ito panaginip, Alex. I'm here and I'm not going
anywhere."

Naramdaman ko ang haplos ng kamay niya sa pisngi ko, at bumaba iyon sa mga labi ko.
He traced a finger on my lips and then I watched him leaned closer. I closed my
eyes as I felt the first faint touch of his lips to mine. It was a sweet feeling. I
could feel his tenderness in his kiss, as if he was showing me how precious I was
to him. 

He broke away but still kept close. "I'm glad we took this chance." he said and
bent down again to kiss me.
The kiss went on, and I vaguely remembered where we were. Alex was taking me
somewhere entirely with his lips. He deepened the kiss and all I could do was sigh
and feel everything... him...

"Public Display of Affection is very, very, very restricted in this area." boses
iyon ni Emma.

My eyes flew open and pushed Alex slightly away, my face turning red. I couldn't
believe we were making out here in the open!

Alex pulled away gently, like it was the hardest thing he'd ever done. Nasa hitsura
nito ang iritasyon. 

"Xander, saka niyo na iyan ipagpatuloy ni Faith kapag wala ng nakakakita." dagdag
ulit ni Emma.

"This was hardly a public place." Alex muttered, annoyance resounding in his voice.
Wala nga naman talagang katao-tao sa lugar na iyon maliban sa mga hayop na makikita
sa kabilang panig ng lugar. Kung meron mang mga tao, they stayed on the lower part
of the hill. 

"Guys, we have an announcement to make!" narinig naming sabi ni Jannah sa di

kalayuan. She was waving a hand to our direction. 

Nagkatinginan kami nina Emma at Alex bago kami lumapit sa kanila. Alex helped me
stood up, pero nabuwal ang tayo ko. For a while I forgot I was dizzy. Hindi pa rin
pala tuluyang nawawala ang pagkakahilo ko. And it seemed more intensified than it
was. 

"Okay ka lang?" nag-aalalang tanong ni Alex habang hawak pa rin ang beywang ko. 

I nodded and tried to stand straighter. "I'm fine." I smiled and grabbed his hand.
"Tara, baka mahuli tayo sa balita." hindi na nagtanong si Alex at tahimik na lang
na sumunod sakin.

Nang makalapit na kami, Billy hugged his wife from his side and put a hand on top
of her belly. Jannah looked up lovingly at his husband and held his hand. Para
kaming nanonood ng isang love-story sa pelikula.

"Well, what is it?" putol ni Emma sa pagmo-moment ng mag-asawa.

We all waited anticipatedly for them. Then Jannah broke into a huge smile. "We'll
be having a junior!" she announced excitedly. "Magiging ninong at ninang na kayo!!"

Everyone started to cheer for them and congratulate them. I was happy for them. I
really did. Pero hindi ko alam saan galing ang lungkot na biglang umusbong sa
dibdib ko nang marinig ko ang magandang balitang iyon.

Lumapit ako sa mag-asawa at buong saya ko silang binati sa magandang regalong

natanggap nila. Jannah was tearing up and I knew it was because she was overwhelmed
with happiness right now.

"Kelan mo nalaman?" tanong ni Patty.

"Two weeks ago na." masayang sagot ni Jannah.

"Wow! Eh pano mo naman nalamang meron na?" sunod na tanong ulit ni Patty.

"I didn't. Si Billy nga ang unang nakapansin eh. Because I was having this weird
craving about spinach. Eh alam niyo naman ako, hindi mahilig sa gulay. And then, he
asked if I was prregnant. Tapos iyon..." paliwanag naman ni Jannah.

"Excited na ako para sa inyo!!" parang excited na excited na sabi ni Emma.

"Kayo Faith, kailan niyo naman balak na magka-baby ni Xander?" biglang baling ni
Patty sakin.

"They will. Trust me.." singit ni Emma, nasa mukha niya ang isang pilyang ngiti.
"Malay niyo, baka next month, siya naman ang biglang mag-anunsyo."

I gave off a tight smile. Hindi ako makapagsalita. I didn't really know what to
say. I was not sure if I could speak at all.

As I stood there listening to them, I realized what was the sad heaviness that was
filling me up.

I don't know if I could give Alex a family. A child. 

The doctor said there are risks if I fell pregnant and I don't want Alex to choose
when he have to save one of us.  

Would he still want to if he knew that?   

* * * * * 

"Guys, guys! Picture tayo!" excited na yaya samin ni Patty habang iwinawagayway
niya iyong camerang hawak niya. "Doon tayo sa banda doon. Mas maganda. Mas malapit
sa sunset." sabi niya at nagtatatakbong nagtungo sa lugar na tinutukoy niya.
Lahat naman kami sumunod. Wala ring nagawa ang mga lalaki kundi ang sumunod samin.

"What's with the sunset anyway?" narinig ko pang usal ni Billy sa iba niyang mga
kasama. Ang iba, napapakamot na lang sa batok nila.

Alex came up beside me. "Finally." sabi niya. Ngumiti siya nang lingunin ko siyang
nagtataka. "This was one of the main reasons why I chose this place. You had a
knack on things like this. You like sunsets. And I thought you could watch the
sunset here before this day ends."

I was deeply moved from what he said. Hindi ko akalaing ikokonsidera niya ang
konting bagay na iyon para lang mapasaya ako sa araw na 'to.

"Okay guys! I-se-set-up ko na 'to kaya mag-pose na kayo, dali!" Lahat kami
nagkanya-kanyang pose. "Ayan na!" tumakbo si Patty samin at tumabi kay Excel.

When the camera flashed, naramdaman ko ang paghalik ni Alex sa ulo ko.

"That was a sneaky move." sabi ko at kinurot siya sa ilong. 

Umingos siya. "Eh kasi po ang ganda mo kapag nakangiti ka ng ganon."

Napangiti ako ng malapad. "Sus! Bolero talaga."

Bigla niyang kinuha ang kamay ko. "Come. I'll show you something." tapos hinatak na
niya ako palayo sa mga kasama namin.

Hindi ko alam kung saan niya ako dinala, pero mas nakita ko ang kabuoan ng araw
habang humahalik ito sa lupa.

The sun was setting so beautifully. The sky was so colorful like a kaleidoscope. 

Naramdaman kong hinawakan ni Alex ang dalawang kamay ko. I turned to face him. He
lifted his head and he was smiling, grinning inanely. I felt my heart swelled. I'd
never seen him look so happy.

He lifted my hands and bestowed a kiss on each of them. He smiled a little

ruefully, almost shyly, and it made my heart soar even higher. "I know it's a bit
of a cliché, the sunset...the place...everything...I have so much catching up to do
with you. But we could start from here. With the sun and the whole universe as our
witness."

I shook my head vaguely, too entranced by his eyes and his words to be able to
begin to tell him that it was all okay. Fine. Perfect. Pero hindi ko maintindihan
kung ano ang ibig niyang sabihin.
Nagpatuloy siya. "Kung ako lang ang masusunod, pakakasalan ulit kita. I will ask
you to marry me again for the second time... third time. I'll even get down on one
knee just to hear that one word. I want to feel that feeling again... the moment
you said 'yes'. I want to feel that happiness again, with you."    

My mind was reeling from what he was saying. Hindi ko alam kung saan pupunta ang
usapang ito. Was this another surprise?

And then something dawned on me when he reached into his pocket and took something
out. I looked down. In his palm he held my wedding ring and engagement ring.

I watched wordlessly as he took my hand and slipped them onto my ring finger one by
one. He'd had them resized and now they fitted perfectly. "These are yours..."

I reached up to touch the rings. My hand shook with the emotions running through
me. "You had them resized. But I thought..."

"I know... I still have them. I kept them for years that you're gone. I thought if
I keep them, maybe you'd come back. That if I keep them, you will return. And stay
as my wife."

Strong emotions fluttered across my chest. "You were so sure then?"

He shook his head then, that vulnerable light still in his eyes, and caught my hand
and kissed my ring finger. "No, I wasn't sure at all...but I prayed to every God I
know that if you would at least agree to stay married with me, then I'll risk it. I
want you to wear them. I know we still have things to fix between us. There are
things that were left unclosed. But I can't waste this chance. I can't blow this
off. I want this to work, Faith. Give us a chance, to start anew." 

I want that too. So much that I could taste them. But... "Alex... I'm scared..."

He cupped my face. "Me too. But I'd rather face it than live with regret." his eyes
were too intense and I thought I saw a shadow passed across them. "Faith, the time
you're gone... I lived like a dead person. I was breathing, my head was
functioning... but this..." he put a hand to his chest. "It was dead. And I don't
want to live like that anymore. You... you came back and you made me feel again.
You're the reason of my existence. Ikaw lang ang itinitibok nito. So even if I'm
scared witless of what will be ahead of us, I will face it and fight head on than
regret not trying. I won't live asking myself with what if's. I want this with
you... you're not alone."

Alex took up her hands, and I was surprised to feel his own hands shaking
violently.  He bent and pressed a kiss to my palms. "I love you, Faith."

I caught my breath, not sure if I heard him correctly. But from the way his eyes
looked at me with intensity, I knew he really said them. He said he love me. He
still love me.

I couldn't stop myself from falling down from this abysmal depths of a hollow pit.
I knew I couldn't get out from this. I was stuck far too deep.

I couldn't let this go. I knew this was what I wanted. All I have to do was grab
it.

And I would.

I reached out a hand and touched his face. His eyes were full of untainted love. At
hindi ko maiwasang hindi maiyak sa katotohanang mahal pa rin ako ni Alex hanggang
ngayon. I thought he would never feel the same again... but he still did. And it
broke something inside me.

"I'm sorry I left. I'm so sorry... so sorry... I'm sorry..." I sobbed brokenly.

"Sshhh... come here." He gathered me into his arms and pulled me against him. "It's
okay... it's okay." he said soothingly as I cried all the fears and uncertainty I
had.

Dumaan sa isip ko lahat ng nangyari sa nakaipas na mga panahong sinubukan kong

maging matatag para manatili sa tabi niya. Ang mga araw na halos bumitaw na ako sa
kanya, at nawalan ng pag-asa. This was all too surreal.

He broke away only to look me in the eye. "I love you. And that won't change
whatever you do, even if you never came back. I know I'd still love you. That's the
truth. I love you even if you get ugly, fat or old. I love you even if you'd say
you don't love me anymore, but I hope you won't." he smiled slightly. "I love you
even if you're the most infuriating woman I know. And I love you always like I did
before. Hell, I find myself falling even more in love with you the more I spend
time with you. And when the day I finally realized what you meant to me, I promised
I will never let you go again." he said with his solemn eyes.

He looked so earnest and I could hear the sencirity in his voice. I smiled a wobbly
smile, trying hard not to cry all over him again. I was sure I must look a sight,
but with Alex gazing at me as if I were the Venus de Milo I didn't care.  

* * * * * 

"Wake up sleepy head." I felt something soft and wasrm pressed into my lips. "We're
here."

Ayoko pa sanang gumising pero kailangan. I opened my eyes and I saw Alex. Hindi
siguro ako magsasawang tingnan siya kahit buong magdamag ko pa siyang titigan.
"Nananantsing ka na kaagad." my voice felt unused from sleep. "Hindi kaya
nakakarami ka na niyan?" sabi ko.

"Well, I'll let you take advantage of me too. I'd have no objection for that. Hindi
kita pipigilan." pilyong sabi niya.

Natatawang tinulak ko siya para bumaba. Napahaw kaagad ako sa ulo ko nnag
maramdaman ko ang pagkahilo. I thought the ground tilted beneath my feet.

Maagap akong naalalayan ni Alex. "You okay?"

My head hurts. "I'm fine. M-medyo nahilo lang yata ako dahil sa sobrang tulog."
sinubukan kong tumayo ng maayos at naglakad papasok sa bahay. Kailangan kong uminom
ng gamot.

Sinalubong kami ni Nay Julia sa pintuan. "Kumusta ang araw ninyo?" masayang bati
niya. I was feeling so sick kaya hindi ko siya nasagot.     

"Nay, puwede pakikuha po si Faith na tubig?" narinig kong sabi ni Alex. "Are you
sure you're okay?"

Tumango ako. I almost moaned when it hurt my head a little more. "Kailangan ko lang
sigurong umu..po..." my head drifted and I heard Alex's voice calling my name. My
body swayed and I waited to feel the hard ground but instead, I felt a soft thud. I
knew even when I was fading out that Alex caught me. He was calling my name times
and times over until his voice got further and further away...

━━━━━━  « ღ » ━━━━━━ 

A/N: Yeppie! Ilang chapters na lang, magpapaalam na sila. T__T (Bipolar lang?) :)

Comment kayo and please vote. *_* It's highly appreciated. Hehehe~

Ending, here we come!!

-- AyamiLu ^^v 

=================

Chapter ➌➄ | One Frail String

Chapter ➌➄ | One Frail String

Alex reached for Faith's hand with one hand and held them while he kept an eye on
the road. They're on their way back home and it was already dark. Kinailangan pa
kasi niyang ihatid ang mga kasama nila sa kani-kanilang mga bahay kaya alas-onse na
sila naka-uwi. It was a good thing they already had their share of meal hours ago.
Mahihirapan pa silang maghanap ng may drive thru pa-uwi sa kanila.

Faith was strangely quiet the whole drive. Kahit noong hinahatid na niya pauwi sina
Emma at Drew, nanatili pa rin itong tahimik.

He suddenly remembered she was feeling dizzy that morning. Maayos na kaya ang
pakiramdam nito?

Her hands felt cold. "Nilalamig ka. Gusto mong patayin natin ang air con?" tanong
niya nang hindi ito nililingon. Walang sumagot. "Faith." Tinawag niya ito ulit pero
ganon pa rin. She was unresponsive. He risked a glance at her seat and he saw she
was fast asleep.

Saka niya naramdaman ang paggaan ng loob niya. He hadn't even realized he was all
tensed up and anxious then. 

Tiningnan niya ulit ito. Hindi niya alam kung bakit hindi siya mapakali.
Ginagapangan siya ng takot at pangamba sa tuwing nakikita niyang ganoon si Faith—
maputla, nanlalamig, at tulog na halos hindi humihinga. Katulad noong mga nakaraang
gabing binuhat niya ito sa kuwarto. The same fear was brutally attacking him.

He wanted to wake her up and hold her and hear her voice. Pero ayaw niyang
maisturbo niya ang pagpapahinga nito. Baka lang talagang napagod ito ng sobra
ngayong araw na 'to.

He knew he was experiencing the same fear as before. He felt this apprehension. How
it tortured him mentally for days. The foreboding thought of Faith disappearing one
day and the thought that he couldn't do anything about it. He'd seen this before...
lived with it. And it plagued him for more than years for leaving her that day...
for never seeing her again.

He fiercely pushed away that irrational fear that was crowding him and focused on
the road ahead of him. He'd just go crazy if he succumbed into it.  

He'd vowed he would never let her go again. He would do anything to keep her close.
To make her stay beside him. He wouldn't ignore this feeling like he did before. He
would do what he should've done a long time ago and he had to move fast. He
couldn't wait for her. He knew what he had to do now.

He would know the truth what ever it cost.

* * * * * 

Tulog pa si Faith nang dumating sila sa bahay nila. Hindi pa rin ito nagising kahit
na nong gisingin niya ito. She must've been so exhausted kaya ito halos mantika
kung matulog.

With a sigh, Alex decide to bring her inside himself. Wala ng ibang paraan para
mapapasok ito. And leaving her inside the car alone was not even an option.

Bumaba na siya ng kotse, umikot sa kabila at binuksan ang pintuan nito. He fumbled
on her seatbealt, careful not to wake her. That was when she started to stir.

She made a little movement. Binilisan niya ang galaw niya. He clicked the seatbelt
lock and freed her from it.

"Wake up, sleepy head." He leaned over and took advantage of her sleepy state and
kissed her parted lips. He couldn't help it when she was that close to to him and
looking so beautiful. "We're here."

A smile played around the corner of her pretty mouth just before she opened those
breathtakingly lovely eyes. They were so large and dark he thought he could sink
and drown in them.  

"Nananantsing ka na kaagad." Nakangiting sabi nito. Her voice sounded husky from
sleep. But it still sounded music to his ears. "Hindi kaya nakakarami ka na niyan?"
sabi pa niya at lalong lumapad ang ngiti nito.

He grinned wickedly. "Well, I'll let you take advantage of me too. I'd have no
objection for that. Hindi kita pipigilan." Tinawanan lang siya nito at bumaba. He
noticed her swayed and put a hand on her head.

He caught her arms and helped her steady on her feet. "You okay?" Ales asked
worriedly. Mabuti na lang at nasa tabi lang siya nito at maagap niya itong
naalalayan.

She dropped her hand and smiled weakly. "I'm fine." She said and gulped. He could
see the sweat breaking out of her pale forehead. "M-medyo nahilo lang yata ako
dahil sa sobrang tulog."

He grew uneasy. Hindi pa rin pala nawawala ang pagkahilo hilo nito simula kaninang
umaga. His hands clenched reflexively beside him, trying to stop himself from
hauling her off to his back and carry her inside like a caveman.

Pinanood niya itong tumayo at naglakad patungong bahay. He trailed close behind
her, afraid she would fall again. He could see Faith was trying to act normal and
okay. Pero nakikita niya na nanghihina na ito.
Si Nay Julia ang nagbukas ng pintuan para sa kanila. Mabuti at gising pa ito.
"Kumusta ang araw ninyo?" masayang bati nito. Pero agad din iyong nahalinhan ng
pagtataka nang bigla na lang itong lagpasan ni Faith at hindi kinibo. Pati siya ay
nagtaka rin sa inasal nito. For some reason, he felt like there was something
wrong. Parang may mangyayaring hindi maganda.       

Tinawag ni Alex si Nay Julia na nag-aalalang nakasunod ng tingin kay Faith. "Nay,
puwede pakikuha po si Faith na tubig?" dumaan ang pagdadalawang isip sa mukha ng
matanda. She wanted to comfort his wife. Naiintindihan niya iyon dahil halos anak
na rin ang turing ni Nay Julia kay Faith. "Ako na po ang bahala sa kanya." Alex
assured her. He didn't want to make her worry even more. Matanda na ito at baka
makasama rito ang pag-aalala. Maya-maya ay umalis na ito at nagtungo sa kusina.

Nakita niyang tumigil si Faith. She looked like she was in pain.

Muling gumapang ang takot sa kanya. It made him shiver. He tried to tell himself
that nothing bad will happen. Walang mangyayaring masama. Nag-o-overreact lang
siguro siya. Faith just needed rest.

Lumapit siya rito at tinanong ulit ito. "Are you sure you're okay?"

She nodded and saw her flinched. "Kailangan ko lang sigurong..."

"Faith?"

Nagtaka pa siya nang makita niyang bumuway ang tayo ni Faith. Pero nang makita
niyang pumikit na ang mga mata nito, he knew she was slipping away.

Hindi siya makagalaw. Terror numbed his mind all the way down to his limbs. He
watched her sway. And then everything went hazy.

The next thing he knew, he was diving to save Faith from falling to the ground. Far
away from his mind, he heard a voice tearing up the house. And he realized it was
his.

* * * * * 

The adrenaline was still pumping through Alex's body, and the metallic taste of
fear left a lingering taste in his mouth.

Nasa hospital sila ngayon kung saan nila dinala si Faith pagkatapos ng atake nito.
Yes, she had an attack. A seizure attack.

His body quaked when he felt that acrid fear and panic that seized his innards as
he remembered what happened. It was a few seconds after she fainted when he felt
her body started to shake and trembled forcefully.

As he watched her convulsing against his arm, he thought he lost his mind then.
Hindi niya alam kung ano ang gagawin niya. All he coul do was pray desperately for
Faith. That was when he thought he felt the greatest fear in his thirtythree years
of existence. Kahit noong akala niyang mawawala sa kanya ang firm, hindi siya
natakot. Kahit noong akala niyang wala na si Faith, hindi ganon katindi ang takot
na naramdaman niya. At sa tingin niya, hinding hindi mabubura sa isipan niya ang
takot na iyon, at ang nangyari.

Para siyang nabaliw sa mga oras na iyon. He was crying, screaming, and confused.
Kung wala si Nay Julia, siguro baka...

He hated feeling like this—completely helpless, scared and lost. 

Seeing Faith stable again, yet still unconscious was just a miracle to him. He'd
thought... he'd feared the worst.

Ni hindi niya maalala kung paano sila nakarating sa emergency room kanina.
Everyhting for him was hazy and blurry. Hindi niya ito nakita sa loob ng ER.
Doctors and nurses kept on busting the door as they went in and out of the door.
For him, it felt like it was the longest thirty minutes of his life—waiting for the
doctor to say "She's stable."

And when he finally saw her, his heart clenched painfully. All he wanted to do was
to hold her, touch her, feel her. But for a second the emotion coursing through him
made him stop. He couldn't touch her yet because he was shaking so much that time.

He inhaled another deep breath just to ease the tightness constricting his chest.
Going through it felt like he was watching and waiting for someone so important to
him fade away and he couldn't do anything to save her.    

"Xander, anak." Naramadaman ni Alex ang marahang dantay ng kamay ng nanay niya sa
likod niya. She rushed immediately in the hospital when she knew what happened. He
guessed Nay Julia told her because he was sure it was not him who called. Sa lagay
ng pag-iisip niya kagabi, malabong maisipan pa niyang tumawag ng kahit na sino. But
he was glad she was here. God knows what could've happen to him when she hadn't
come. "Umuwi ka na muna. Ako na muna ang magbabantay kay Faith. You've been here
since last night. You need to rest."

Napatingin si Alex sa damit niya. Suot pa rin niya ang orange polo shirt niya na
pinagtawanan ni Drew kahapon.
Kahapon. Parang ang tagal na non. They were so happy. Pakiramdam niya parang kaniya
na ang mundo sa sobarang saya niya. He never thought something like this would
happen. He planned it for so long just to make it perfect. But everything was
wasted with just one night.

Maybe it was his fault. Kung hindi siguro niya pinlano ang picnic na iyon... kung
hindi sana napagod si Faith sa araw na iyon... Maybe she wouldn't faint. Maybe she
wouldn't have to be here.

His churning thoughts halted when he heard his mother's voice. "Anak. Hindi
makakatulong kay Faith kapag nagising siya at malalaman niyang ikaw naman ang
nagkasakit."

"But I want to stay." Ayaw niyang magising ang asawa niya na wala siya sa tabi
nito.

Lumapit ang nanay niya sa kanya. Yumuko ito para yakapin siya. "I know you're
worried. I understand. Pero anak, dapat mo ring isipin ang sarili mo. Hindi mo
dapat pinaparusahan ang katawan mo sa nangyari. Faith needs your strength now more
than ever. So please, listen to your mother and be a good boy."

As always, her mom was right. Nararadaman na niya ang bigat ng katawan niya. He was
dead tired but he didn't care. Pero alam din niyang hindi rin siya titigilan ng
nanay niya hanggang hindi siya umaalis doon.

He nodded as his resignation, feeling slightly removed from everything. The shock
was wearing off and it only left him a beat up body. His muscles were strained like
they never did before. Menasahe niya ang batok niya para maibsan ang pananakit at
paninigas non. He suddenly felt old.

"Sige na, hijo. Umuwi ka na at magbihis. I'll take care everything from here. Don't
worry, tatawagan din kita kaagad kapag gising na siya."

Napilitan na siyang tumayo sa kinauupuan niya, hawak pa rin ang malamig na kamay ni
Faith. He wanted to stay but his body would give up on him if he wouldn't take a
rest. But he would be back soon. And he hoped he would be there when she open her
eyes.

* * * * *  

I woke up feeling weak and bone tired. It took a minute for things to seep into my
consciousness. And when they did I tensed rigid. "Where—?" I stopped when I
realized who was standing inside the room.

Si Jed. Nakatayo lang ito sa tabi ng bintana habang nakatingin sa malayo. Parang
ang lalim ng iniisip nito.
Tinawag ko siya habang sinusubukan kong umupo mula sa pagkakahiga ko. "Jed..." my
voice was groggy, and my throat felt dry. I was going to ask him what happened, why
am I here when I suddenly remembered.

I had an intense headache when we got home from the picnic. And then I blacked out.

Alex... he worked so hard for that picnic. Masaya na sana ang araw na iyon.
Everything went so well... even perfect. Why did it have to happen?

"Gising ka na pala." malumanay na sabi ni Jed nang lingunin niya ako. He looked sad
and worried.

"Nasan ako?" Hindi ko alam kung nasaan ako. I don't know if I was in a hospital or
to some people's house. It wasn't the usual white painrtng I see in a hospital
room.  

"Don't worry. I know better than to put you into that room again." he said
knowingly. Isinuksok niya ang mga kamay sa loob ng bulsa ng pantalon niya. I
noticed he wasn't wearing his usual white coat. "But to answer your question,
you're in a hospital. Pinasok ka namin sa Presidential suit para maging komportable
ka. To avoid problems."

Nakahinga ako ng kaunti. The room was nice. The air was filled with floral scent.
Hindi mo iisiping nasa loob ka ng hospital. It actually look almost like a bedroom,
kung wala lang siguro iyong mga health apparatus na naka-standby sa gilid ng
kwarto.

"Nandito kanina ang biyenan mo. She went out for a while to receive a call.
Apparently, her phone went dead after staying here for hours."

Nandito si Tita Irene?

Siguro pinag-alala ko na naman siya. I wondered if she said anything to Alex. I

hoped nothing.

"Si Alex?" tanong ko habang lumilinga-linga ako sa paligid. 

"I don't know. He wasn't here when I came." sagot ni Jed.

In a strange way, I felt more relieved that Alex wasn't here. Kailangan ko munang
ihanda ang sarili ko bago ko siya harapin pagkatapos ng nangyari. Alam kong nag-
alala iyon ngayon. At may pakiramdam akong malapit na niyang malaman ang secreto
ko.

Pero hindi pa ako handa. Lalo na ngayong bumalik na siya sa dating Alex na kilala
ko.
I sensed the silence in the room and I found Jed looking down the floor with a grim
face. Napansin kong parang wala siya sa sarili niya ngayon. Or did I just made him
worry again.

I sighed, rejecting that thought. Baka lang may problema lang siya nagyon kaya siya
mukhang namatayan. "Wala kang pasyente ngayon?" tinanong ko siya.  

Bumalik sakin ang tingin niya at hindi nagsalita. Then suddenly Jed walked near the
bed. At tumigil lang siya sa paanan ng kama ko. Eyes concerned, he looked at me and
said, "I have your test results."

A drumbeat of dread thumped my body. So this was what he was thinking about for a
while now. Nakaramdam ako ng kaba. Sa hitsura at aura ni Jed, I knew I was
expecting for worse. 

He expelled a deep breath and looked dead straight to my eyes as he said the words
that stopped my whole world.

"I'm sorry, but I think you have to go back to the clinic before it's too late."

━━━━━━  « ღ » ━━━━━━  

=================

ღ Dear Readers ◕‿◕

━━━━━━  « ღ » ━━━━━━ 

Dear Readers, ◕‿◕

Ako ay lubos na nagpapasalamat sa mga nagbasa sa kuwentong ito. Kung hindi dahil sa
inyo, ako lang ang magbabasa nito. Hahaha! Salamat sa mga nagvo-vote at sa mga
nagco-comment. You guys inspire me. :) Kahit kakaunti lang kayo, okay lang. At
least may nagbabasa pa rin. Diba, diba? :) 

Patapos na po 'tong The Tears of Faith. So I hope you will support it all the
way. :)

Sa magiging ending, sana magustuhan niyo din po. Hehehe *evil-grin*  >____<

I admit I'm not a good writer. Amateur lang po ako, beginner, novice... whatever
you can call it. I'm still learning pa po. So please bear with my mistakes if you
noticed some typos or grammars that are non-existent. Haha! But feel free to point
it out for me so I could edit it—if you find it too disturbing. :) Trust me, I know
when I see one. :)

Recommend nyo po 'to sa mga friends ninyo na mahilig magbasa. Tapos sabihin niyo sa
kanila na mag-vote din tsaka mag-comment. Hehehe ^^v 

But seriously, THANK YOU, THANK YOU talaga sa pagbabasa nito. You keep my drive in
full gear kaya talagang pursigido ako na matapos ko 'to. 

Thank you guys for the support. At sana basahin niyo rin iyong iba kong
stories. :) 

Sa mga magbabasa pa lang nito, sana magustuhan ninyo kahit na parang hindi kayo
masyado kinilig. Hahaha! Gusto ko lang magpa-depress ng tao. Joke lang. ^^v 

Comment din kayo tsaka vote. Para kina Faith at Alex. :)

Godspeed sa inyo!

Love you all! 

AyamiLu  ^^v
━━━━━━  « ღ » ━━━━━━ 

=================

Chapter ➌➅ | Undone

Chapter ➌➅ | Undone

Dammit! I overslept!

Pain throbbed against his temple when he abruptly sat up. Hinilot niya sandali
iyong pagitan ng mga kilay niya bago tumingin sa digital clock na nakapatong sa
katabi niyang mesa. Isang malutong na mura ulit ang lumabas sa bibig niya nang
makita niya kung anong oras na. It was almost 6 pm!

Nakatulog siya ng pitong oras?

Napatingin siya sa bintana at nakita niyang madilim na. Dali-dali siyang umalis sa
kama at nagbihis. Naligo na siya pagkadating niya pa lang ng bahay kanina.
Pagkatapos non, kaagad na nakaramdam ng sobrang pagod ang katawan niya kaya ang
bilis-bilis niyang nakatulog.

He thought about his mother. Ang sabi nito tatawag ito kapag nagising si Faith.

He went looking for his phone kahit na hindi pa niya halos nasusuot ng maayos ang
damit niya.

10 missed calls

28 new messages

Lahat iyon galing sa mommy niya.

Bumuhos ang matinding bugso ng damdamin sa dibdib niya nang mabasa niyang gising na
ang asawa niya. It was a message around 1 pm. Kung ganon, nagising ito di nalalayo
sa oras ng pag-alis niya.

He sighed. Hindi na sana siya umuwi. Maabutan pa sana niya itong magising. Then he
wouldn't have to be here.

He was about to grab his keys when his phone rang.

"Yes, ma?" maagap na sagot niya.

"I've been trying to call you for the past hours." sabi naman ng mommy niya.

"I'm sorry. I overslept." Again, he stifled a curse.

His mother breathed an understanding sigh. "It's alright. Kailangan mo talaga ng

pahinga na iyon. Mukhang napagod ka ng husto sa mga nangyari."

He waited a heartbeat before he asked, "H-how is she?"

"She's awake. She was asking for you."

An air swooshed out of his lungs, making his breathing more relaxed and less
painful. "Tell her I'll be there as soon as I can, okay?"

"Slow down, Xander. Makakarating ka pa rin dito kahit hindi ka lumlagpas ng 100
speed meter. Ayokong salubungin ka namin ng asawa mo sa emergency room na basag-
basag ang buto."

Napangiti siya. Well, he was surprised now he could. Pagkatapos ng mga nangyari, he
thought he'd never do. "Don't worry, Ma. I'll be careful." Nakasakay na siya ng
kotse. "I'm on my way there." Sabi niya at pinatay na ang cellphone.

Huminga siya ng malalim bago niya pinaandar ang ignition. Sa tuwing naaalala niya
ang mga nangyari sa nakalipas na oras, bumabalik lahat ng takot niya. He couldn't
think of that fear, couldn't let it rise again. It had almost undone him earlier.
Gusto niyang kalimutan lahat iyon pero alam niyang nakatatak na iyon sa utak niya.
Hindi iyon basta-basta na lang mawawala.

Because it was then that he realized how it would feel if Faith left him and
knowing she'd never come back again.
* * * * *  

He heard laughter before he opened the door.

It instantly died as the door slid open and everyone inside the room turned to him.
Nakita niyang maraming tao ang nasa loob. Naroon si Nathan, si Monica, Ben, Carl...
halos mga katrabaho niya. And then there was Jed and his mom.

"Alex."

It was faint, soft and nearly inaudible but for him, it sound so distinctive. He
could feel his heart swelling as he found her face amongst the people. His wife.
Lahat ng kaba, takot, pangambang nararamdaman niya... lahat iyon nawal sa isang
iglap nang makita niya ang ngiti ng asawa niya.

Parang nasemento ang mga paa niya sa pintuan. He never had that moment when he was
just a beginner. He never stood dumbstruck and numb when he meet those sharks
trying to eat his company. Pero ngayon... he just did.

"Bakit nakatayo ka lang diyan?" nakangiting sabi ni Faith.

May mga sinabi pa ang mga tao doon pero hindi na niya narinig ang mga iyon dahil
nasa iisang mukha lang nakatingin ang mata niya, sa iisang boses lang nakikinig ang
mga tenga niya, at sa iisang babae lang tumitibok ang puso niya.

Dahan-dahang lumapit siyang lumapit sa kama ni Faith.

Iniisip niya kung kumusta na ang pakiramdam nito? Maayos ba ito? Could she remember
what happened?

"Are you okay?" marahang tanong nito.

He almost laughed. Kasi ito pa ang nagtanong noon sa kanya. "Ikaw dapat ang
tinatanong ko niyan."

"I'm fine. And look, marami akong bisita. So there's no reason I would feel
otherwise."

She was dazzling. Parang may kakaiba rito. Ganon ba ang nagagawa ng pahinga? He
wondered.

Habang tinititigian niya ito, hindi niya iisiping may sakit ito. Her smile... she
just looked so... alive.
The overwhelming feeling he had right now was making his movements so odd. He
reached her hands and bent down to kiss every knuckles.

Umugong ang tuksuhan sa kuwarto.

"Ganayan pala maglambing ang isang Alexander Smith!"

"Pare, magbagong buhay na rin tayo para magaya ko rin sila."   

"Kayo lang. Wala pa akong balak maging baduy."

"Inggit ka na naman Ben. Naku, sa tingin ko, tatanda kang binata."

Binaliwala niya ang mga tuksuhan ng mga kasamahan niya. Then he heard Faith laugh
but she didn't try to take her hands away. "You're acting strange. Are you sure
okay ka lang?"

He wanted to say no. He was not okay at all. He just had the most frightening night
in his whole life. He was close to losing her. He thought he went insane for what
happened. Ngayon, ang gusto lang niyang gawin ay ipagsigawan sa lahat ng taong
naroon, kahit sa buong mundo, kung gaano niya kamahal ang babaeng ito. How lucky he
was to be her husband, to have this beautiful woman as his wife—his other half.

Hindi niya alam kung ano ang gagawin niya kapag nawala si Faith sa kanya.

"I'm sorry if I stepped in your moment," napalingon sila ni Faith kay Monica. "But
I have an appointment in an hour so I have to scoot."

"Thank you for coming." Sabi ni Alex rito.

"Paul," she put a friendly hand to his shoulder. "Faith is my friend. And yours
too. So there's no need to thank me. Talagang pupunta ako." Binalingan nito si
Faith. "You get well soon, okay? Medyo boring pa naman ang buhay dito sa hospital."
Tapos may kung sino itong binalingan sa likod bago ulit humarap kay Faith. "But
then, kung may doctor akong katulad ni Dr. Brewester, maybe it wouldn't be so bad."

"O, Jed. Narinig mo iyon?" nakangiting sinilip ni Faith si Jed na nakatayo sa tabi
ni Nathan. Noon lang napansin ni Alex na magkatabi ang dalawa at mukhang my
masinsinang usapan.

"Well, I should go now. Medyo may pagka-swapang pa naman ang client ko ngayon."
Tuloy ni Monica.
Iniwan niya muna sandali sina Faith at Monica habang nagpapaalaman ang mga ito at
lumapit kina Jed at Nathan. Napansin niyang hindi suot ni Jed ang usual white coat
nito. So that must meant he wasn't here as a doctor but a visitor.

Si Nathan ang unang bumati sa kanya. "I thought I'd drop by first on my way home.
Narinig ko kay Drew ang nangyari kaya naisip kong dumalaw na rin."

"Thanks, man." Tinapik niya ito sa balikat.

"Been here, so..." he understood him. "And it was nice seeing Jed here again."

Alex's forehead wrinkled as he watched the two men in front of him. "Magkakilala
kayo?"

"Yeah well, that was a long time ago." Sagot ni Nathan na parang may iniiwasan
itong sabihin. Noon may tumunog na cellphone. Nathan took something out from his
pocket. "Excuse me, I'll have to take this."

Lumabas ng kuwarto si Nathan at naiwan na lang siya sa tabi ni Jed. "So, I see
you're not a doctor today."

Hindi siya nilingon ni Jed. He was stoically looking at Faith talking with his
Carl, Ben, and the others. "I was away for a seminar when I heard what happened."

He admired his concern for his wife but he still didn't like it. Gusto niyang
hilahin ang ulo nito at iharap sa kanya. Pero pinigilan na lang ni Alex ang sarili
niya. "So how was her test results?"

Matagal itong hindi nakasagot. He was about to ask again when he finally answered
him. "It was out this week. But I had to sent them to someone who could read the
scans better."

Nakunot ang noo ni Alex. What's that supposed to mean? "And you can't?"

He saw his mouth tightened. "I checked them but I didn't see anything to it. And
that's what makes it unusual."

"You think there's something wrong with her?"

Noon lang ito humarap sa kanya. He saw he was angry. At nagulat si Alex na makitang
kakaiba ito ngayon. "After what happened to her, what do you think, Alexander?" He
hissed. "You're wife is sick. She's sick and she needs medical attention. Pero
dahil sayo, nababawasan ang tsyansa niyang gumaling."

Alex was taken a back. He was so stunned he didn't had the chance to stop Jed from
walking out of the room. Lahat ng tao sa kuwartong iyon napatingin sa pintuang
nilabasan nito at pabalik sa kanya.

He was sure na siya lang ang nakarinig sa mga sinabing iyon ni Jed. Pero habang
nakatingin si Faith sa kanya, he felt like he just heard something he shouldn't
have heard.

Nang maka-recover siya sa gulat, napagdesisyonan niyang sundan si Jed. He couldn't

just leave like that. Marami siyang gustong itanong.  

Ano ang ibig nitong sabihin? What did he mean by his wife being sick? At bakit siya
ang sinisisi nito? Ano ang mga bagay na hindi nito sinasabi sa kanya?  

He wanted to know everything. He needed to know what happened to Faith?

Pero huli na siya. Jed already disappeared.

* * * * *  

Alex was already standing outside Faith's door when he decided to stay outside for
a while. Kaya dumaan siya sa fire exit at doon muna tumambay. Gusto niya ng hangin
dahil sa dami ng gumugulo sa isipan niya ngayon, pagkatapos ng mga sinabi ni Jed.

Bumukas ang fire exit at lumabas mula doon si Nathan. "Nandito ka lang pala."

"I just went out for air. Hinahanap ba nila ako sa loob?"

"No. Ako lang. Pauwi na kasi ako kaya gusto kong magpaalam."

Nailing na lang si Alex sa rason nito. "Hindi naman ako ang pinunta mo rito kaya
hindi mo na kailangang gawin iyon."

Tumayo din ito sa tabi niya at hindi na nagsalita. They stood there in silence for
a while and then a thought suddenly hit him.  "Paano kayo nagkilala ni Jed?"

Saglit itong nag-alinlangan. "Well, I knew his father first, Dr. Allen Brewester.
Siya ang doctor ni... ng asawa ko."

"Si Lara?" he felt like an idiot when he saw pain shadowed his friend's eyes. He
knew his wife and her story. He was there in her funeral. At nasaksihan niya kung
paano nagluksa si Nathan sa pagkawala ng asawa nito. He knew he loved her so much
more than he know. Kaya ganon na lang nagbago ang kaibigan niya simula nang araw na
iyon.

"Dr. Allen owns a... clinic. Doon ko dinala si Lara, dahil gusto niya doon. Tahimik
at may preskong hangin. Malayo sa siyudad. I liked it there. Minsan naisip kong
magtayo ng bahay don. But I never did. Doon ko nakilala si Jed, three years ago.
Sumasama siya kay doc sa tuwing bumababa siya. He was just an intern then."

Three years ago...

"You should have him, I mean Dr. Allen. Magaling siyang doctor at may malawak
siyang karanasan pagdating sa kaso ni Faith. He could help you."

"Bakit," unti-unting nilingon niya si Nathan. "May alam ka ba sa sakit ng asawa

ko?"

His eyes narrowed when he saw Nathan's face. Para itong natuklaw ng ahas. He looked
like a thief caught redhanded. Somehow Alex felt like he was missing something... a
puzzle. There was a link in all of this. At hindi niya alam kung ano iyon.

It made him feel so damn frustrated.

Alam niyang meron silang tinatago. Jed, Nathan... and even his wife. Hindi siya
magiging isang magaling na negosyante kung wala ang instinct niya.

But what was it that they were hiding from him?

Something clicked inside Alex's brain. "Tell me, back at the resort... nong gabing
nakita ko kayong magkasama ni Faith. I remember you saying she had to tell me
something before it's too late. What was it?"  

"So I guess she didn't tell you then? Kaya siguro siya umalis ng maaga
kinabukasan." Sabi nito na parang may inaalala. "Nang makita kong kasama mo si
Faith sa resort, I recognized her right away. Nakilala ko siya because of Lara.
Because your wife and my wife were friends."

Alex's head spinned like a roulette. This conversation was making him ten times
more frustrated. At sa dami ng mga bagay na nalalaman niya, the more unanswered
questions formulated inside his goddamned brain.

Paanong nagkakilala sina Lara t si Faith? He only met Nathan when Faith left. Ni
siya hindi nagkaroon ng pagkakataong makita at makilala ang asawa ni Nathan bago
ang libing nito.

So how did they meet?

At kung kilala ni Nathan ang asawa niya sa resort pa lang, bakit hindi sa kanya
sinabi iyon ni Faith? Or why did she pretend she didn't know him then?

It all made no sense to him.

To even think that he accused her of being unfaithful to him.

He remembered it was after their successful meeting with the client when he saw
Faith going out. Kasama niya si Savannah nang araw na iyon. She was inviting him
for a celebration but he looked for Faith dahil wala pa rin ito kahit na gumagabi
na.

So he went outside the hotel.

Kung saan-saan na siya nakarating. Ang akal niya naliligaw na siya. Pero nakarinig
siya ng mga boses. He followed them and he was surprised to see two familiar faces.

Oo inaamin niyang iba ang pumasok kaagad sa isip niya nang makita niya ang
magkahugpong na mga kamay ng mga ito. He was blinded with rage and jealousy. Kaya
hindi niya napigilang ang sarili niya nang gabing iyon.

For the first time after Faith came back and reappeared again, he dropped the veil
in his eyes that was concealing the emotions he was trying to hide. Maraming
damdamin ang napukaw ni Faith sa kanya nang nasa resort sila. He knew then it was a
mistake bringing her there.

Pero hindi niya pinagsisihan iyon.

"Look, Xander... I really want to help you because you're my friend. But it's
between you and Faith. Kayo ang dapat na mag-usap. Si Faith lang ang ang
makakapagsabi sayo ng mga bagay na gusto mong malaman. Siya lang ang makakasagot sa
mga tanong mo." With a final tap on his shoulder, Nathan went inside and left him
alone standing against the cold breeze of the wind, fighting for his sanity.  

━━━━━━  « ღ » ━━━━━━  

=================

Chapter ➌➆ | Surrender

Chapter ➌➆ | Surrender
"So, ano ang sabi ng doctor? Kailan ka daw puwedeng umuwi?" tanong ni Emma pagpasok
niya ng kuwarto ko. Ngayon ang pangalawang beses na pumunta siyang hospital para
bumisita.

Napabuntong hininga ako nang maalala ko ang nangyari kagabi. "I was supposed to go
home yesterday. Pero si Alex ang nag-insist na manatili muna ako rito ngayon para
daw makapagpahinga ako ng husto. He's so stubborn." Hindi na ako nakapagsalita
kahapon dahil pati si Tita Irene ay ganoon din ang gusto.

"And what was the sigh for?" She glanced at me while she was taking out the food
from the plastic bag she brought and put them on the table. "Faith, hindi mo talaga
matatanggal kay Xander ang mag-alala. He's your husband kaya natural lang na
gustuhin niyang makapagpahinga ka ng maayos."

"Yeah. But I still think he's a little bit overreacting."

Ipinagpatuloy niya ang ginagawa. "Kung ako rin naman ang nasa kalagayan ni Xander,
I would do the same. Kung puwede nga dito na kita patirahin para mapanatag ang loob
ko. I heard this isn't the first time you were brought here."

"Kanino mo naman narinig iyan? Kay Alex?"

"No." tumigil siya sandali. "Jed told me." Gumuhit ang pag-aalala sa mukha ko ng
hindi ko nalalaman at nakita iyon ni Emma. "Why, is there something wrong?"

Umiling ako. "Wala naman." And crossed my fingers, praying she'd drop it off. 

Tumalikod siya at kumuha ng isang mansanas sa mga pinamili niya at sinimulan iyong
balatan. "May dapat bang hindi sabihin si Jed sa amin?" she asked casually but I
could sense that she was reeking with suspiciousness. I guessed my prayer didn't
work.

I worked up my mind to say something. "It was a secret." I laughed to hide the
tension building in me. "Sabi ko sa kanyang huwag niyang sabihin iyong tungkol sa
nangyari. But it seemed he did."

"Well, you think hindi niya sasabihin sakin? Aba, mata ko lang, tiklop na sakin si
Jed."

I breathed an air of relief. Buti hindi niya napansin ang kaba ko kanina. She
usually does. "Pero magkaiba naman ang rason kung bakit ako nandito ngayon. I was
just tired so I fainted. The last time was just my headache. Migraine daw. So see?
Alex was just overreacting."

"Ah, iyon naman pala. Eh bakit kailangan pang ilihim iyon?"

Hindi ko siya sinagot. Baka mas lumaki pa suspitsya niya kapag nagsalita pa ako.
"You were here yesterday. Okay lang ba na nagapgala-gala ka? Baka hanapin ka ng mga
costumers mo." sabi ko na lang para ibahin ang usapan.

"Kaya na nila doon kahit na wala ako. Isa pa, pagkain ang ipinunta ng mga costumers
hindi ang may-ari. So it's okay. I can go wherever I want to." Tapos nilingon niya
ako ng nakasimangot ang mukha. "Ayaw mo bang dinadalaw kita rito?"

Natawa ako sa hitsura at sa sinabi niya. "Hindi naman, Ayaw ko lang na masisi kapag
nalugi ang restaurant mo."

"Huwag kang mag-alala." Narinig kong binaba niya ang kutsilyo at humarap siya sakin
na may dalang plato. "Hindi iyon malulugi kahit na maging yaya mo pa ako, hanggang
sa magkaapo pa tayo."

Pinilit kong pasiglahin ang ngiti ko nang makalapit siya sakin. Ayokong makita niya
ang lungkot na dumaan sa mukha ko sa huling sinabi niyang iyon.

"Hayan. Ubusin mo iyan ha." sabi niya sabay abot sakin nong plato. She made me
fresh fruitsalad minus the cream. "Kailangan mong kumain para magkaron ng sustansya
iyang katawan mo. Kaya ka nahihimatay eh, kasi hindi mo inaalagaan iyang sarili
mo."

"Para ka namang nanay ko niyan." I took a bite to swallow the bile closing up my
throat. Nagiging emosyonal na naman ako.

"Nasan ba si Xander? Bakit iniiwan ka lang niya dito mag-isa? Ang mga lalaki
talaga. Hindi mapakali sa iisang lugar." Sabi niya habang kinukutingting ang mga
naka-display na mga apparatus sa gilid ng kuwarto. "Ano ba'to? Para san ba 'to?
Ngayon lang ako nakakita nito. Para sa puso ba 'to?"

Nawala tuloy ang luhang pigil-pigil ko habang pinapanood ko si Emma. Napapangiti na

lang ako sa ginagawa niya. Hindi rin naman pala masamang nandito siya. Sa
katunayan, kailangan ko ng makakausap ngayon para makalimutan ko ang sarili kong
problema, kahit sandali lang.

"Siguro mahal ang mga'to no? Ibang klase na talaga si Jed ngayon. Hari na pala
siya. Mantakin mo, may sarili na siyang hospital ngayon. Eh dati rati panay ang
buntot niya sayo." Sabi pa niya.

"Matagal na iyon." sabi ko habang naaalala ang mga panahong iyon. "Mga bata pa tayo
non. Walang alam sa mundo, sa buhay. Hindi pa tayo nakakaapak sa sarili nating mga
paa. Nakadepende pa rin tayo sa mga magulang natin. Pero maraming taon na rin ang
lumipas kaya marami rin ang nangyari. Ikaw, may restaurant ka na. You're living
your dream. Masaya kayo ni Kuya Drew at baling araw, magpapakasal na rin kayo. Si
Jannah, magkaka-baby na sila ni Billy. Eh dati rati, parang aso't pusa iyon kung
mag-away. Tapos si Patty at Excel, masaya pa rin sila.  Katulad pa rin sila ng
dati. Si Alex... he's doing great now. At mas aasenso pa siya sa trabaho niya. He'd
do great things..."
"At ikaw? Bakit hindi mo ituloy iyong plano mo?" Baling sa akin ni Emma.
Nagtatakang tiningnan ko siya. "Diba gusto mong magkaroon ng exhibit? I think it's
time you should try. Sayang ang mga paintings mo kung itatago mo lang sila sa
basement ng bahay ninyo. They're not meant to be hidden."

Ganoon kabilis pumaibabaw ang lungkot na pilit kong kinakalimutan kanina nang
ipaalala sakin ni Emma ang isang bagay na hindi ko na magawa kahit ngayong bumalik
ako.

I wanted to be a great painter. Ang makilala sa larangan ng sining ng pagpipinta. I

used to paint a lot. Kahit saan ako naroroon, lagi kong dala-dala ang sketchpad ko
at ang lapis ko. I sketch whatever I want, wherever I am. Kaya nga siguro lumaki
akong malayo ang loob sa mga tao. Because I paint alone. I want to capture the
beauty and the feeling I felt right at every moment I paint something. 

That was the days when I appreciated life. That was when I still had that light.

Pero dahil sa nangyari tatlong taon na ang nakakalipas... hindi ko na magawang

magpinta ulit. I couldn't catch the feeling anymore. The light was gone.

"Pag-iisipan ko pa. Pero hindi muna ngayon."

Narinig ko siyang bumuntong hininga. "I know I shouldn't ask. Pero ngayong napag-
uusapan na rin lang natin..." umupo siya sa tabi ko at ginagap ang kamay kong
walang kabit na dextrose. Tumingin siya sa mga mata ko na may pang-unawa. "What
happened three years ago, Faith? You never really told me anything about it.
Hanggang ngayon."

Pumungay na ang mga mata ko. I knew I was crying because I felt this fight has
finally come to its end. I was giving up. At nararamdaman ko na ito ang tamang oras
para sabihin ko kay Emma ang lahat.

Pinunas ko ang mga luhang dumaloy sa pisngi ko gamit ang isa pang kamay ko. "May
gusto sana akong hilingin sayo bago ko sabihin ang... ang gusto mong malaman."

Nag-isip muna siya bago siya tumango ng marahan. "Ano iyon?"

Tiningnan ko siya sa mata. "Promise me you won't tell anyone about this."

She looked at me with a questioning eyes. "Not even Xander?"

I shook my head. "No. Not even him."

* * * * *  
Tulalang lumabas ng kuwarto si Emma. Sa totoo lang, hindi iyon ang inasahan niyang
sasabihin ni Faith sa kanya. She knew she was hiding something from them. But she
never pushed her to start speaking. She waited for her to be ready and decide. 

Pero ganon pa rin, nagulat pa rin siya. Shock was an understatement. Mas higit pa
roon ang naramdaman niya habang isa-isang sinalaysay ni Faith ang mga nangyari sa
kanya sa mga taong nawala siya.

Marami pa sana siyang gustong itanong, malaman. But her time was up.

Dumating na si Xander.

At hindi niya napigilang makaramdam ng awa rito nang makita iya ito. Wala itong
kaalam-alam sa mga nangyari kay Faith. At hindi rin nito alam ang pinagdadaanan
ngayon ng asawa nito. Paano na lang ito kapag...

She silently shook her head. Hindi... she couldn't think like that.

They love each other so deeply and yet it was not enough to keep them together.
Time was their enemy.

She knew how much Xander love Faith. Saksi siya sa pagmamahalan ng dalawa. She saw
how he turned different when Fath suddenly vanished before. She saw how it
destroyed him and how it almost ruined him. Kaya hindi niya mapigilang malungkot at
masaktan para sa kanilang dalawa. Parang nangyayari lang ang nangyari noon. The
only difference was this time, she doesn't know if Faith could come back again. No
body knows.

Ano ang gagawin niya?

Susundin ba niya ang pinangako niya kay Faith?

Ililihim din ba niya ito kay Xander?

Didn't he deserve to know the truth?

Ano ang gagawin niya?

Hindi niya alam. Gulong-gulo na ang isipan niya.

For the first time in her entire life, she didn't know what to do. Nasanay siya na
laging inaayos ang isang problema, lalo na kapag si Faith ang nahihirapan. Ganon
niya ito kamahal bilang isang kaibigan. She was like a dear sister she never had.
At nasanay siya na laging siya ang sumasalo rito sa tuwing nalulungkot ito at sa
tuwing may problema ito.

She was her fixer.

But now... it seemed like she couldn't do anything but to watch and wait how things
would unfold on its own.

Could she do that? Just stood in a corner and watch how her two good friends lose
each other and get hurt?

Pipigilan ba niya si Faith sa gagawin niya?

* * * * *  

"All set?"

Huminga ako ng malalim saka tumango. Ngayon na ang araw na lalabas na ako ng
hospital pagkatapos ng dalawang araw na pamamalagi ko rito. Balak pa nga non ni
Alex na hanggang bukas kami rito pero mabuti na lang at nakinig siya sakin.

Hindi puwedeng magtagal ako rito. If I waste another minute here... It means I am
risking my chance.

I had to make a move now. Kahit anong mangyari... I couldn't let anything, nor
anyone, stop me.

* * * * *  

Napansin kong masyadong tahimik si Alex habang nasa beyahe kami pauwi. Kahit noong
dumating siya sa hospital, alam kong may iba siyang iniisip. 

Nilingon ko siya at napansin kong may kakaiba sa hitsura niya. There was the
intense look on his face as he drive ahead.

Ano kaya ang iniisip niya?

"Alex." tinawag ko siya. He was scowling now and he had a white-knuckled grip on
the stirring wheel. "Ayos ka lang?" tanong ko. Pero hindi niya ako narinig.

He stepped harder on the accelator and drived faster. Nag-alala na ako. In this
case, posibleng may mangyaring hindi maganda kapag pinagpatuloy niya ito. Kaya
hinawakan ko siya sa braso niya para gisingin siya sa kung anumang iniisip niya.

Napansin ko ang pagkagulat at pagtataka sa mukha niya nang balingan niya ako. He
slowed down.

"Ayos ka lang ba?" tanong ko ulit.

"Yeah.. yeah.. I'm..." huminga siya ng malalim. "I'm sorry. Masyado lang akong
maraming iniisip ngayon..."

"Tungkol saan?"

He glanced at me before he answered with a stern voice. "Work."  

Ngumiti ako para kahit man lang kaunti ay mapagaan ko ang loob ng asawa ko. "Well,
kung anuman iyan, I'm sure it will be fine."

"I hope so..." at muli niyang itinuon sa unahan ang atensyon niya. Pero nakita ko
ang kakaibang determinasyon sa mga mata niya.

* * * * *  

Alex was eerily quiet today. Kahit nong nag-uusap kami ni Nay Julia kanina, hindi
pa rin siya nagsasalita. Minsan sinasali pa namin siya sa biruan namin pero tahimik
lang siya at parang hindi nakikinig. 

Katulad kagabi, ganon pa rin ang kinikilos niya. Tahimik, malalim ang iniisip, at
seryoso. Pagdating namin ng bahay kagabi, mabilis akong nakatulog pagkatapos
kumain. Pero nagising ako nong pumasok siya sa kuwarto. Gising pa siya ng ala-una
sa madaling araw.

Siguro malaki lang talaga ang problema sa trabaho nila.

Iyon ang naisip ko. Kaya lang... nagsisimula na akong magtaka ngayon.

I always catch him looking at me with brooding silence. Iyong tipong binabasa niya
ang laman ng utak ko. It's as if he was trying to figure me out. 

When I thought I couldn't take the tension rising, tensing up my spine because of
his unusual stillness and uncomfortable silence, nagsalita siya at tinawag niya
ako. "Faith.." he said in a low voice.

Umangat ang tingin ko mula sa pagkain ko. "Hm?" Kaaalis lang ni Nay Julia para
tingnan ang mga nilalabhan niya. Gusto ko tuloy siyang pabalikin dito. Ewan ko pero
kinakabahan ako ngayong maiwan mag-isa kay Alex.

"Don't you have something to tell me?" 

I froze. Muntik ko ng mabitawan ang hawak kong kutsara dahil sa biglaang tanong
niya. A lick of fear rolled along down my spine making me shudder.

Did he know?

Did Emma...

I mentally shook my head. Of course not. Hindi gagawin ni Emma sakin iyon. She
would never betray me. Hindi niya sasabihin kay Alex ang mga sinabi ko sa kanya.

Sinubukan kong kalmahin ang napakalas na kabog ng dibdib ko. I fought to keep
myself to stay as blase as much as I could. I shook my head and smiled. "Wala
naman. Bakit meron ba dapat?"

He regarded me for a long breathless moment before he nodded to accept my answer.

For a while he almost looked angry. Pero bigla na lang siyang ngumiti sakin.
"Siguro baka nag-aalala lang ako sa wala." sabi niya.

Noon lang unti-unting lumuwag ang paghinga ko. Hindi ko alam kung paano ko
haharapin si Alex kapag nagsisimula siyang magtanong ng ganon. Hindi ko alam kung
ano ang isasagot ko.

"Anyway, may pupuntahan ako ngayon at hindi ko alam kung kailan ako makakauwi. I
think max is three days." sabi na naman niya.

"Ha?" nagulat ako sa ibinalita niya. "Bakit biglaan naman ata?" 

"Biglaan din kasi ang pagbabago ng isip ng client namin." sagot ni Alex habang
nagpatuloy siyang kumain. "He wanted to see the layout of the site where he wanted
to put up his hotel. He wanted to open it by the next eight months. Kaya kailangan
na naming mag-umpisa."

"Saan?" I asked as I felt my hear sank inch by inch when I realized what was about
to happen.

"Sa Palawan."

"Ngayon na ang alis mo?" hindi ba puwedeng bukas? Hindi ba puwedeng huwag ka na
lang umalis? Dito ka na lang?
Tumigil siya sandali at tiningnan niya ako ng may lungkot sa mag mata niya. Na
parang sinasabi niyang pati siya ay nalulungkot na iwan ako rito sa loob ng tatlong
araw. "Well hindi dapat ngayon ang alis namin. Kaya lang kailangan kong mauna sa
site para mapag-aralan ko na kung ano ang kailangan kong paghandaan. Pero babalik
din naman ako kaagad." 

Aalis si Alex ngayon... at ngayon...

"Why? Do you have somewhere else to go?"

Bakit? Bakit hindi lagi magkatugma ang oras natin? Pagkakataon ba ito? Was it fate
that was deciding for us?

Sa isang mapait na ngiti, umiling ako kahit na hindi iyon ang totoong sagot ko.

Kapag naiisip ko pa lang ang gagawin ko... iniisip ko kung makakayanan ko bang
gawin ulit iyon? 

Pero hindi pa naman natatapos ang ilang buwang palugid ko... bakit kailangan pang
mangyrai 'to?

Hindi pa ako lubusang napapatawad ni Alex. Paano na kapag huli na ang lahat?

Pero humantong na kami sa ganito kung saan wala na akong magagawa pa. I tried
telling him everything. But I always suck at timing. Lagi akong wala sa oras. At
ngayon pa na maayos na ulit sa amin ang lahat... kung kailan nagsisimula ulit
kami...

I guess this was the reality of my life. At kailangan kong tanggapin iyon.   

━━━━━━  « ღ » ━━━━━━  

=================

Chapter ➌➇ | Lies & Truth

Chapter ➌➇ | Lies & Truth

"Wait for me okay?" baling sa akin ni Alex pagkatapos niyang ipasok ang huling
gamit niya sa kotse niya. 
Tumango lang ako. Hindi ako makapagsalita dahil sa takot na baka masabi ko sa kanya
ang hindi dapat. I wanted to stop him from turning around, from getting inside the
car... ayoko siyang umalis. So I could walk away properly this time, to say
goodbye.

"Hihintayin kita..." kahit sa kabilang dulo ng mundo, Alex. Hihintayin kita.

"Bakit ka umiiyak?" he cupped my face and wiped a tear. Hindi ko namalayang umiiyak
na pala ako. "I won't be long. Tatlong araw lang naman akong mawawala. I can call
you any time. At sa Palawan lang naman ang punta ko. It's not like I'm going away
overseas. We still stand on the same ground. And we still look up at the same sky."

Pero lalo lang dumami ang luhang pumatak sa mga mata ko dahil sa mga sinabi niya.

"Faith, please... don't send me away like this. Hindi ako puwedeng umalis na ganyan
ka."

Pinilit kong rindahan ang sarili ko. Ayokong humagulgol. Ayokong umiyak sa araw na
'to. Pinunasan ko ang mukha ko at pinilit kong magpakatatag. "I'm sorry." I smiled
but it didn't felt like a happy one. "Namimiss lang kasi kita ngayon pa lang."

Hinuli niya ang mga kamay ko at nilagay iyon sa ibabaw ng dibdib niya. "I love
you... desperately. You know that, right?" then he reached a hand to touch my face.
"I'll see you soon.."

Naramdamn kong lumuwag ang kamay niya hanggang sa binitawan na niya ako. Pakiramdam
ko nalaglag na rin pati ang puso ko. I wanted to call for his name whe I saw him
turning away but words just wouldn't come out. Hanggang sa papalayo na siya nang
papalayo.

Then suddenly he stopped walking, turned around and ran back to me.

Niyakap niya ako ng mahigpit na mahigpit. Halos mapugto ang hininga ko sa paraan ng
yakap niya sakin. At narealize ko sa mga oras na iyon na hindi lang ako ang
natatakot umalis. Siya din. I could feel he was reluctant to leave me. But he had
to leave. 

At ganon din niya ako kabilis na binitawan. "I'll call you when I get there." he
pressed his lips on my trembling lips just before he turned away again. And this
time, he didn't look back. 

Gusto kong abutin ang papalayong pigura niya pero alam kong kailangan ko na siyang
hayaan.

Goodbye, Alex...
* * * * *

Alex tried to focus his head.

This was not right. He knew that. But he was left with no choice. It was to do this
or to ask her. But either way, he would know what was it that his wife was hiding.

Since that conversation between Nathan and him, there were things that suddenly
became unclear to him. Ang dami ng katanungang nabuo sa utak niya na kailangan
niyang hanapan ng sagot.

And he needed the answers now.

Hindi na siya dapat magsayang ng oras. Time stood as his enemy right now.

Kaya siya umalis ngayon.

Nagi-guilty siya dahil nagsinungaling siya kay Faith. Ang totoo, wala siyang
titingnang site. But it was true he have business in Palawan. Pero bukas pa ang
lakad nila sa Palawan para i-meet ang magiging kleyente nila. Hindi lang niya
puwedeng sabihin kay Faith ang plano niya... kung saan talaga siya pupunta. 

Kaya kahit na may pakiramdam siyang hindi maganda sa panlasa niya ang iwan niya si
Faith... umalis pa rin siya. 

Sa totoo lang hindi niya alam kung handa siyang malaman ang lahat. Hindi niya alam
kung magugustuhan ba niya ang malalaman niya. But he bet he wouldn't. As far as his
wife was concerned, wala pa siyang nalalamang nagustuhan o ikinatuwa niya. What was
ahead of him was a total mystery for Alex. Pero hindi siya natatakot. Hindi siya
aatras. He would know what he wanted to know—what he should've known long before
Faith showed up again. At hindi siya mabibigo.

He only wished Faith would still be there when he returns.

* * * * *

"Mr. Smith?"

Tumigil si Alex sa pglalakad niya sa hall nang marinig ang pangalan niya. Tinatawag
na pala siya ng sekretarya ng taong pakay niya. 

"Puwede na kayong pumasok sabi ni Dok."

Sumunod siya rito hanggang sa itinuro nito ang pintuan. "You can go in. Naghihintay
na siya sa loob."

Tumuloy na siya nang makaalis ito. Pagpasok niya ay agad na tumayo ang lalaking
nasa likura ng mesa. He looked younger than his age. Malalaman mo lang na matanda
na ito dahil sa puting buhok sa taas ng tenga nito. But apart from that, the famous
Doctor Brewester still had a sturdy body frame and strong physique.  

Siya ang pakay ni Alex sa pagpunta niya rito kaya siya pumunta sa mismong clinic
nito. Hindi niya mahahanap ang sagot sa mga katanungan niya kung mag-aantay lang
siya. Somehow, he had the need to talk to this man. Dahil ramdam niyang ito lang
ang makakapagbigay sa kanya ng mga kasagutang hinihintay niya. Mga sagot na
makakapagbigay linaw sa magulo niyang utak.  

"Paul Alexander Smith. Come in, hijo. Come in." paanyaya nito saka lumabas mula sa
likod ng mesa nito para salubungin siya. "It's nice to finally meet you, Mr.
Smith."

"The pleasure's all mine, Doc." sabi niya at kinamayan din ito.

"Well, have a seat. Mukhang malayo pa ang bineyahe mo papunta dito." Pinanood siya
ni Alex na kumuha ng isang bote ng alak sa wine cabinet nito. "So how can I help
you?"  

"I am here to ask you about my wife. Lady Faith Smith." simula niya. "She's one of
your patients, I believe."

Sandaling tumigil ang doctor para tingnan siya. Dumaan sa mukha nito ang lungkot
nang marinig ang pangalan ng asawa niya at nagtaka siya kung bakit. Sa isang iglap
ay parang tumanda ito bigla sa paningin niya. Hindi ito umimik habang nagsalin ito
ng alak sa baso. Pagkatapos ay tahimik pa rin itong bumalik sa upuan nito. 

"Here, son. You might be needing this." sabi nito sabay abot kay Alex ang isa pang
baso na hawak nito.

Nagtaka siya kung para saan ang wine na iyon pero hindi na siya nagtanong nang
abutin niya iyon. "I'm sorry dok kung kung naabala ko man kayo. It's just that I
really want to know what's happening to her. Kaya ako nagpunta rito. Kayo lang po
ang makakatulong sakin."

Isang malalim na buntong hininga ang pinakawalan nito at tiningnan siya sa mata. "I
don't ususally talk about my patients' cases to other people especially without
their presence. I value their trust and their confidence because it is my
responsibilty to secure their health. And that makes me feel reluctant to divulge
anything..."

Pakiramdam ni Alex ay para siyang isang kandilang nauupos, na parang isang ihip
lang ng hangin ay mamatay na ang apoy niya.      
"Pero sa kaso ni Faith... I think I could make an exemption."

Napasinghap si Alex ng marahas dahil sa pag-asang unti-unting nabuhay sa kanya

dahil sa sinabi ng doctor. Ito na ba? Malalaman na ba niya? Masasagot na ba ang mga
tanong sa isipan niya?

Hindi siya nagsalita at hinintay niya itong magpatuloy. Kailangan niyang huminahon.

Dr. Allen leaned over his table and interlaced all his fingers together as if he
was pondeing on a deep thought. "She came to me visit three years ago. Tinanong
niya ako sa bagong clinic na pinapatayo ko noon sa isang probinsiya. I wasn't
expecting she'd know about it. Aside from being a private file, it was in the
deepest part of a rural community area kaya mahirap hanapin. Kaya nabigla ako nong
magtanong siya tungkol doon. But I ignored my hunch and talked it about her.
Mukhang interesadong-interesado talaga siya sa clinic." he paused to take off his
eyeglasses. Humilig din ito sa upuan nito. "Hanggang sa napansin ko na napapadalas
na ang punta niya rito at panay rin ang tanong niya tungkol sa clinic."

Naalala ni Alex iyong minsang umuwi siya ng bahay ng maaga. Wala si Faith sa bahay
nila noon kaya tinanong niya si Nay Julia kung saan ito nagpunta. Pero pati ang
matandang kasambahay nila ay wala ring alam. Ang sabi lang nito ay madalas itong
umaalis ng bahay. He thought she just wanted to relieve her stress. Tumigil na kasi
ito sa pagpipinta, and it was her way of relaxing. Noong mga panahon na iyon kasi
nangyari ang akala niyang malaiking problemang sumubok sa pagsasama nilang mag-
asawa.

But it seemed there was something much more worst than that.

"Pero nung gusto ko siyang komprontahin, hindi na ako nagkaroon ng pagkakataon

dahil hindi na ulit siya bumisita. And then two weeks after the last time she
visited, nakita ko ulit siya... but this time sa clinic na pinatayo ko mismo sa
probinsiya siya nagtungo."

Ang lalim ng pagkakakunot ng noo ni Alex. His mind did some calculations... "Kailan
iyon doc?"

"Same year... three years ago." pagkokompirma ng doctor.

Clinic? Bakit nandon si Faith? What was she doing there? Doon ba ito pumunta nong
umalis ito ng walang paalam? He didn't get it. He could not understand. Saan ba
patungo itong usapan nila ni Doctor Allen? 

"I know she left you without a notice." basag ng doctor sa katahimikang nilikha ng
kalituhan ng isipan niya. "At marahil ay nagtataka ka siguro kung bakit siya sa
lugar na iyon pumunta. At nakikita ko rin na ito ang talagang pakay mo, am I right
son? Ang malaman ang rason ng pag-alis niya?"
Alex held his breath in a heartbeat and nodded. 

"Well then..." Dr. Allen paused in effect and his eyes intensified even more.

Sinikap ni Alex na huwag gumalaw. He couldn't contain the anticipation growing

inside him anymore. This was a pure torture for him—waiting.

"You have to know first that it was not just a clinic. It's a cancer clinic I built
to facilitate the needs of the people living in that area. Dahil sa research na
ginawa ko ay lumabas na doon marami ang kaso ng untreated cancer patients dahil sa
inaccessibility ng gamot at dahil na rin sa mahal ng therapy." huminga ito sandali.
"Iniispi mo siguro na nagpunta si Faith doon para magtago... at tama ka sa puntong
iyon. Nagpunta siya doon dahil alam niyang hindi mo siya mahahanap sa lugar na iyon
habang naghahanap siya ng lunas sa sakit niya."

Parang tumigil lahat. Pati tibok ng puso ni Alex tumigil na rin. Pati paghinga
niya. Kahit ang ipikit ang mga mata niya hindi na rin niya magawa.

What the f*ck was this doctor blubbering?!

Si Faith? May sakit? Saan banda? Bakit hindi man lang niya nalaman? Bakit hindi
niya napansin? Bakit sa isang cancer clinic pa ito nagpunta? Bakit kailangan pa
nitong umalis at iwan siya? Balit kailangan pang magpakalayo-layo ito sa kanya?

Ang dami niyang tanong na 'bakit' sa utak niya. At gusto niyang magmura ng magmura
ng magmura dahil nagagalit siya. At naiinis... at nasasaktan.

Everything didn't make sense to him. Not one goddamned thing!

"I'm sorry doc but I'm not following you here. Are you trying to tell me that Faith
was sick?" hindi makapaniwalang tanong niya. He sound sarcastic but hell, he don't
care. 

"No, son." umiling iito ng marahan. "I'm not trying... I am telling you that your
wife is sick. At hindi lang basta-basta ang sakit niya. Your wife suffered from
brain tumor."

Alex felt his head reeled—more than reeled. He felt it was spinning off into space.
Something was weighing him down inside. The truth was finally out.

And it was something he couldn't deal with.  

He was not believing what he heard. Hindi niya iyon kayang tanggapin. How could he?
Pakiramdam niya kapag nagsimula siyang paniwalaan iyon, parang tinanggap na rin
niya ang katotohanang hindi nagtiwala si Faith sa kanya noon. That their love for
each other was not enough to convince her that he could take care of her... that he
would never leave her.

Feeling suddenly claustrophobic, Alex stood and walked near the window, looking
outside but not really seeing anything. Sa liblib na parte ng utak niya ay may
isang alalala lumitaw sa kanyang nagmamanhid na isipan. Ang gabing nakita niyang
magkasama si Nathan at si Faith...

"Three years ago, I went to a doctor. At sinabi niya sakin na may... may mali sa
katawan ko. I'm sick, Alex. I could die from it. That's why... that's why I had to
go. I had to leave."

Faith told him. Her words floated around his brain, resounding against his ears...
taunting him. Naalala pa niya kung paano niya ito pinagsarhan ng pagkakataong
magpaliwanag. How he ruthlessly slammed her words back to her face. 

Guilt tormented him. His gut clenched minutely. Why? Why hadn't he believed her
then?  

He was beginning to feel so many things that he had to keep a lid on his emotions.
He paced away and then back again, trying to sustain the sanity that he was barely
holding onto. 

"You need to take a seat son." basag ng doctor sa takbo ng isipan niya. Ngunit
nagpatuloy pa rin siya sa paglalakad niya paroo't parito."I know it's a lot to take
in right now, but you need to know something that is more important than that."

Doon siya natigilan. What was more important than knowing about how close he was at
losing Faith?

"I couldn't really tell you when you're standing up. Ayokong ilagay sa panganib ang
buhay mo kapalit ng sasabihin ko." hindi pa rin natitinag na sabi ng doctor.

He knew he couldn't argue. He pulled up a chair and sat down opposite him, his
whole body screaming tension. He was feeling curiously numbed, as if already
protecting himself from something. He focused on his eyes. "What else do I need to
know?"

Dr. Allen's face was stoically braced to Alex, preparing him for what was about to
come. "I have her test results." panimula nito. "Nalaman ko ang nangyari sa kanya
noong minsan siyang sinugod sa hospital. My son told me she was unconscious when he
found her. At nagsuka pa ito. I suspected that something must be wrong." paliwanag
nito na lalong mas nagpabilis ng tibok ng puso ni Alex.

"You see, before we decided to let her go, we found an unusual cell growing inside
her brain. But it wasn't dangerous. Kaya pa iyon ng surgical removal. Pero hindi
namin iyon magagawa sa clinic because the facility was not complete and ready yet
for surgical procedures. So we had to move her to a hospital.
Pero kinumbinsi ko muna siiyang bumalik at sabihin sayo ang totoo. That you deserve
to know. And because it might be her last time seeing you too. Walang kasiguraduhan
ang operasyon niya dahil nasa isang critical na parte ng utak tumubo ang tumor. So
basically, she had more than eight months before the tumor started to grow
erratically."

Eight months...

Alex mind clicked. Iyon iyong unang hiniling ni Faith sa kanya noong dumating ito.
And now he knew why...

"Pero hindi namin inasahan na ganito kaaga at kabilis ang paglaki ng tumor niya."

Tumaas ang ulo ni Alex para titigan ito sa mata. He saw sympathy, grief, and pity
in them. At bago pa nito masabi ang susunod nitong sasabihin... alam na niya...
alam na niya na mawawala ulit si Faith sa kanya. And this time, she may not be
coming back again.

"I'm sorry to say this but your wife had a recurrence." 

━━━━━━  « ღ » ━━━━━━ 

A/N: Hello there! What do you think about this chapter? Don't forget to COMMENT and
VOTE. Tell me your violent reaction. Okeee? 

Thank you loves. ♥ 

=================

Chapter ➌➈ | Last Farewell

Chapter ➌➈ | Last Farewell

"...Your wife suffered from brain tumor."

"Pero hindi namin inasahan na ganito kaaga at kabilis ang paglaki ng tumor niya.
I'm sorry to say this but your wife had a recurrence." 
Pinigil ni Alex ang sarili na huwag magwala sa loob ng sasakyan niya habang
nagmamaneho siya. When he thought of how awfully helpless he was right now after
knowing the truth, he wanted to rant and rail, to smash something just to ease the
excruciating pain in his chest.  

But right now, he had to keep it together. He was earnestly fighting for control
because he knew there was nothing he could do to make him feel better. Kahit
baliktarin pa niya ang mundo, kahit basagin pa niya lahat ng puwedeng basagin, wala
pa ring magbabago. Faith would still be leaving him. Again. And he could do nothing
about it.

Napalunok siya nang maramdaman na naman niya ang kirot na iyon sa puso niya.

Alex remembered his towering rage that day she showed up after her disappearance,
remembered that she had indeed said something about wanting to explain then, to
make him understand. He remembered his cruel words, his baseless accusations at
her, her reaction...but how could he have known this?

When he thought about the times when he vowed to make her pay, everything he had
done and every word he'd thrown at her just so he could hurt her the way she hurt
him three years ago... his fists clenched tightly on the stirring wheel as pain,
guilt and regret surged through him, so strong that he shook with intensity.

Nagsisisi siya kung bakit niya sinayang ang mga panahong iyon. Naghihinayang siya
sa mga oras na dapat sana ay gingol niya at nilaan niya para kay Faith—na makasama
ito.

And now, he was too late.

Ngayon, hindi niya sigurado kung ano ang gagawin niya. Mas mabuti sana kung hindi
niya alam ang katotohanan. Di sana hindi siya nakakaramdam ng ganito. Maybe if he
didn't know the truth then he wouldn't have to feel this helpless and frightened.

Ignorance is truly a bliss.

Tumigil siya nang makita niya ang traffic sa unahan niya. He blankly looked outside
his window and couldn't help but remember those words again...

"I'm sorry to say this but your wife had a recurrence."  

Something clicked in his brain that made his spine freeze.

No... hindi puwede. She couldn't... —sigaw ng isip niya. Pero huli na. Alam niya.
Nararamdaman niya. Nagawa na ni Faith iyon noon, and she could do it again.
Lalo na ngayon na may dahilan na naman siya para umalis.

* * * * *

Alex's heart was thumping when he let himself into the house. But as soon as he
walked in the door he knew... she was gone. Dahil ganito rin ang naramdaman niya
noon.

Gusto niyang sumigaw. Bakit kailangang maulita sa kanya ito? Bakit siya? May ginawa
ba siyang masama sa kapwa niya? What did he ever do wrong to deserve such
crucifying treatment?

Ano iyon? Bumalik lang ba si Faith para mangyari ito? Para iwan ulit siya?

In a heavy footsteps, he mounted the stairs to the master's room—their bedroom.

Feeling a lead under his tongue, he slowly opened the door.

Her scent lingered on the air and for a moment he hoped she was still there,
sitting outside the balcony, holding and reading her favorite novel... but the
place felt flat, devoid of energy. He couldn't fool himself any more than he wanted
to believe. Mas lalo lang niyang pinahihirapan ang sarili.

He saw a note on the table, a video tape, and a brown envelope.

A tragic smile lifted his lips. Hindi na singsing ang iniwan nito kundi ang tatlong
mga bagay na iyon. Dapat ba niyang ikatuwa iyon?

Lumapit siya roon at kinuha ang sulat. Sa nanginginig na kamay, binuksan niya iyon
at binasa.

Dear Alex,

By the time you read this letter, I'm already gone.

But before I left, I think I at least owe you the truth. I know it's been a long
overdue... I'm sorry I had to tell you this way. I hope you can forgive me.

I love you very much.

Please be happy, even if it's not for me, but at least for yourself.

Love,
Faith.   

His hand dropped and along with it was the letter. It fluttered to the floor out of
his fingers. Somewhere in his past he learned to protect himself from pain, hurt—
from this. And he could feel himself retreating somewhere inside right now. That
familiar numbness was spreading through him again, and he welcomed it because it
was removing him from feeling.

He took the video tape from the table and mindlessly played it on. He sat down
heavily on the bed as he watched it rolled.

He thought he was going to explode with the intensity of the agony and pain he was
freezing down when the screen flashed open showing the face that he realized he
would never be seeing again... the face that he would never touch again, and kiss
again...   

Parang may kung anong kamay na pumasok sa loob ng katawan ni Alex at piniga ang
puso niya ng ilang beses nang marinig niya ang boses ni Faith na sumabog sa bawat
sulok ng kuwartong iyon...

"Hi, Alex..."

* * * * *

FLASHBACK

Hindi ko alam kung kakaway ba ako o hindi. Pero naisip kong huwag na dahil hindi
rin matutuwa si Alex oras na mapanoood niya ito.

Ilang ulit ko ng sinimulan itong video na 'to, kaya lang paulit-ulit din akong nag-
uumpisa. Lagi na lang kasing nauuna ang iyak ko sa tuwing magsasalita na ako. At
ayokong ipakita kay Alex na nahihirapan ako sa desisyon ko.

Sinubukan kong ngumiti ng masaya kahit na kabaliktaran non ang nararamdaman ko sa

mga oras na 'to. "Siguro nakabalik ka na galing Palawan ngayon. Kumusta ang
Palawan? Sana hindi puro trabaho ang inatupag mo don. Maganda daw don. Maraming
beach house. You like the sea side kaya alam kong mag-eenjoy ka doon." Heto na
naman. Nararamdaman ko na naman ang hapdi sa likod ng mga mata ko. Iiyak na naman
ako kaya tumingin ako sa taas para pigilan iyon. Ilang sandaling ganon ang ayos ko
bago ako nagpatuloy.

"Sa totoo lang hindi ko alam kung saan ako magsisimula. Kung paano ko sasabihin
lahat ng hindi ka nasasaktan. Pero kahit saan ko anggulo tingnan, kahit anong
paraan ko pa sabihin sayo... doon pa rin ang bagsak. Masasaktan pa rin kita.

Pero bago ko sabihin sayo lahat, gusto kong malaman mo na mahal na mahal kita,
Alex. Mahal kita at hindi ko kayang makitang nasasaktan at nahihirapan ka. Kaya ko
nagawa ito... kaya ako umalis noon... at ngayon.

Gusto kong malaman mo na napasaya mo ako. Nang makilala kita, ang akala ko ang
layo-layo mo. Na hindi kita magawang abutin kahit na nakatayo ka na sa harapan ko.
Akala ko hindi mo ako mapapansin ang isang katulad ko... simple at medyo takot na
humarap sa mga tao.

Pero napasaya mo ako nong kausapin mo ako. Ang saya-saya ko na naaalala mo pa iyong
pangalan ko. Kung sino ako. At napasaya mo rin ako dahil hindi ka katulad ng iba na
gusto lang makuha ang loob ko dahil kay daddy. You're different. Dahil nilapitan mo
si daddy dahil sakin. Dahil gutso mo akong kilalanin.

Nang sabihin mo sakin iyon, alam ko na na ikaw ang lalaking gusto kong makasama
habambuhay.

Gusto kong malaman mo lahat iyon, dahil pakiramdam ko hindi ko na masasabi sayo
to." naramdaman ko ang unang patak ng luha ko.

"I did try to tell you the truth a couple of times... but it wasn't the easiest
subject to bring up between us. Fear, doubt and guilt kept me from telling you
then. Pero nong nagkaroon naman ako ng lakas ng loob, lagi naman akong nabibigo.
Lagi akong wala sa timing. Lagi akong may ka-eksena. Kaya hanggang sa dumating ang
oras na hindi ko na masabi sayo. Pero at least sa ganitong paraan... masasabi ko na
sayo lahat-lahat." ngumiti akong may lungkot sa dibidb ko. Hindi sa ganitong paraan
ko gustong sabihin sayo ito, Alex. Pero wala na akong ibang paraan para masabi sayo
ito. In just a few minutes... aalis na ako. At wala ka pa rin rito. 

Ilang ulit muna akong huminga ng malalim. "Noon, pakiramdam ko kompleto na ako. I
had friends who, I know, love me as their own family, I had the loving and the most
kind people as my parents, and most of all, I had you. Your love, your trust, your
friendship... you. That was more enough for me. Life with you beside me as my
husband... it was the best moments of my life, Alex. Ang akala ko wala na akong
mahihiling pa. But I was wrong. " nilunok ko ang namumuong luha sa lalamunan ko.

"I was wrong. Because I realized that there was something more greater than love.
And it is time. And right now, I wish nothing else but more time... with you. Pero
mukhang wala na akong oras.. hindi na ako aabot pa."

This was hurting me pero alam kong kailangan ko itong tapusin. I had to tell him
before I go.

"Everything started three years ago... When I started having headaches that
wouldn't go away. At nawawala lang iyon kapag nagsusuka ako. I guess you could
remember the nights you wouldn't sleep just to comfort me and wait 'til I fall
asleep. Nag-aalala ka na non and you kept on telling me to go and see a doctor. So
I called Tita Irene kasi ayoko ng nag-aalala ka at nagpupuyat ka dahil sakin.
Sinamahan niya ako, pero sa isang ob-gyne niya ako dinala. She thought I was
pregnant. And I did too..." I steadied my trembling hands. Going back to those days
was never a good habit because it all comes back to me like a tremendous wave of
water so big it drown me. Kahit ano pa yata ang gawin kong pagkukuwento... hindi pa
rin nawawala ang sakit. Naalala ko pa rin kung paano nawasak ang pag-asa ko na
magkaroon ng anak... na bumuo ng pamilya.

Naaalala ko na iyon ang araw na sumuko ako sa napakaraming bagay. 

"The doctor did some routine blood test and sent it to the lab to check if I was
really pregnant. Umasa ako non.. na sana nga may anak tayo. Dahil sa sobrang
excited ko, nagsimula na akong mag-isip ng magandang pangalan para sa magiging anak
natin. I thought Hope would fit if it's a girl... and Lucky if it turn out a
boy. But I never got to use them." I smiled a melancholic smile as I remembered how
excited I was then.

"The doctor called a couple of days later and she asked me to come in and see
her. And when I did... she had another doctor with her..." hindi ko na namalayang
humihina na ang boses ko. "A visiting hematologist consultant..." I looked away for
a moment and pressed my lips together before looking back. "They told me that
they'd found something in my body... and it wasn't a baby. It was something else
growing... a tumor... in my brain."

No matter how much I said it, how I wanted to be strong and be in control, or how
unfeeling I wanted to appear, the terror of that moment would always be with me.

"Nang malaman ko ang bagay na iyon... alam mo ba kung ano ang unang pumasok sa isip
ko? Naisip ko... paano ka? Masasaktan ka kapag nalaman mo ang tungkol sa sakit ko.
Pakiramdam ko nga namatay na ako. Paano pa kaya kung nalaman mo? Alam mo kung gaano
kita kamahal. Ayaw kong nasasaktan ka. Ayaw kong nakikitang nahihirapan ka. At
kapag nalaman mo ang bagay na iyon... tungkol sa sakit ko... alam kong mahihirapan
ka. Masasaktan ka. At ayokong panoorin lang kitang nahihirapan dahil wala kang
magawa. Ayokong maramdaman mo ang naramdaman ko nong mamatay ang mga magulang ko.
Nong iniwan nila ako. Malungkot iyon, Alex.

Isa pa, nahihirapan ka sa mga oras na iyon dahil sa negosyo mo. It was a tough time
for you then, and I didn't want to make you suffer even more. So I had to do
something... before I destroy you and our marriage. 

Kaya umalis ako. Nagpakalayo. At hindi na nagpakita sayo.

But I held on to your promise. Na mamahalin mo parin ako kahit na anong mangyari.
Kahit na anong mangyrai, paniniwalaan mo pa rin ako. Iyon ang pinanghawakan ko,
kaya hindi ko pinagsisihan ang pag-alis ko.

I didn't think I'd survive without you. Nahirapan ako nong unang araw ko na wala
ka. Pero nakilala ko si Lara. She made me realize so many things, kahit na nong
namatay na siya. At isa na don ay ang bumalik sayo at sabihin sayo ang totoo.

Kaya umuwi ako. Nasabi ko na sayo 'to... iyon iyong araw na narinig ko kayong nag-
uusap ni Lexie. Pagkatapos non... hindi na ulit ako umapak sa bahay na 'to. Iniisip
ko pa lang na i-aannul mo ang kasal natin... iniisip ko pa lang na mawawala ka na
sakin... na hindi mo na ako mahihintay..."
Napalunok ako. Ito ang parte ng kuwento na kailanman ay hindi ko napghandaang
sabihin kay Alex. Pero nandito na ako. Wala ng oras para ilihim ko pa ito sa
kanya. 

"Ito ang mahirap na parte ng sasabihin ko sayo... kaya hindi ko sinabi 'to sayo
noon. Kahit hanggang ngayon, natatakot pa rin ako. At ayokong sisishin mo ang
sarili mo." napayuko ako sa mga kamay ko at dinama ang pilat na iyon sa kamay ko.
"Pagkatapos ng gabing iyon, nawalan na ako ng pag-asa. They wanted me to start an
aggressive cycle of chemotherapy at that time, but I refused. Naisip ko kasi dati
na wala rin namang maghihintay sakin kung makaka-survive nga ako. Kapag gumaling
ako... wala ka naman para hinatyin ako. You broke your promise. You turned away."
pinunasa ko sa nanginginig na kamay ang luhang bumagsak sa pisngi ko.

"I was under depression. Hindi ko na maalala kung ano ang mga nangyari sa madilim
na parteng iyon ng buhay ko. At some point, I decided to let everything go. Iyong
pilat sa kamay ko na nakita mo noon... it was the scar I left when I took my own
life away. And it always reminds me how close to death I'd been.. the crime I
did... and the guilt I faced every day and every night of my life. 

That's why I can't stay in hospitals. Natatakot akong napapaligiran ng puting

dingding... kasi nararamdaman ko iyong pakiramdam na bumangon ka mula sa kabaong
mo... iyong pakiramdaman nararanasan mo ulit mamatay... nakakatakot." I shuddered.

"Dahil don kaya tumagal ang paggamot nila sakin. Si Jed ang tumulong sakin. Siya
ang nagbukas ng mga mata ko. Siya ang nagbigay ulit sakin ng panibagong pag-asa...
na kailangan ko pang lumaban Na hindi pa tapos ang lahat.

So they wanted to start me on chemo straight after I recovered. I knew what was
likely to be involved—how invasive and how debilitating it was going to be, with no
guarantee of any success." 

Self-consciously I touched my hair. "This...my hair fell out. I grew thinner...

shallower... my skin became paler... At some point of my stay... humina ang
resistensya ko habang sumasailalim ako ng chemotherapy. Ang akala pa nga nila hindi
na ako makakaabot eh. Because I was their worst patient. I contracted at least
three infections then. I was kept in isolation for up to a month because I was very
prone to infections. Kaunting tao lang din ang puwedeng pumasok at kumausap
sakin." 

My voice cracked threateningly but I forged ahead, "I didn't expect to survive that
far, nobody did. That's why I never left you a note when I left. Dahil ayokong
magpaalam noon sayo. Dahil gusto ko pang bumalik. At siguro iyon ang dahilan kaya
lumaban ako... para makita ulit kita.. makasama.. at humingi ng tawad sa ginawa
ko."

I looked down at my trembling hands. Hindi ko kayang ipakita kay Alex ang mga
luhang patuloy na bumabaha sa mukha ko. "I wrote you some letters when I was well
and recovering. Letters to be sent...explaining everything. Saying sorry... but I
never had the chance to send them.

And then... and then after a year and months of remission... they found another
tumor growing again.

Nang sabihin nila sakin iyon... tinanggap ko na na wala na akong oras dito sa
mundo. It was fate... that was telling me I have to go. My time was up.

Pero hindi pa rin sila sumuko sakin. They wanted to save me, Alex. Gusto pa rin
nilang bumalik ako sayo... gusto pa rin nila akong mabuhay.

So they asked me to choose... if I want to live, I had to undergo an operation. But

before I go... they made me chose to go back and tell you or not. Because even at
that point there was only a fifty-fifty chance. Less. For me. And that means I have
less than a year to live if I chose not to do it.

But I still wanted to live. Gusto ko pang mabuhay, Alex. Gusto kong makasama pa
kita. Gusto kong magkaroon tayo ng sariling pamilya. Gusto kong makita ng mga anak
nating lumaki at makahanap ng sarili nilang mamahalin. Gusto ko ang buhay na alam
kong imposible para sakin.

Kaya pumayag akong magpa-opera. Gusto kong subukan kahit walang kasiguraduhan.
Bumalik ako kagaya ng payo ni tito Allen at ni Jed. Kasi alam ko naman na hindi rin
ako matatahimik kapag umalis ako nang hindi nakakahingi ng kapatawaran sayo sa
ginawa ko.

But everything went out of control.

This past few days... was like a dream to me. Pinasaya mo ulit ako, Alex. Ang akala
ko hindi ko na ulit mararamdaman iyon. Binuhay mo ang patay na sa puso ko... you
gave back my hope. You made me feel how beautiful life was. Pinaalala mo sakin ang
buhay na matagal ko ng nakalimutan.

Hindi ko pinagsisisihan ang mga nangyari, Alex. Kaya sana huwag mong pagsisihan ang
pagkakataong ibinigay mo sakin para ipadama ulit sakin ang pagmamahal na matagal ko
ng nakalimutan.

Sabi ko, kahit hindi mo pa rin ako nappatawad ng buo... maghihintay ako. Kasi alam
ko naman na darating din ang panahong iyon. Kaya kahit ito lang ang maibibigay mo
sakin, tatanggapin ko ng buong puso.

Nong huling nasa hospital ako, nagising ako at narealize ko na hindi magiging
masaya ang buhay natin kapag lagi na lang ganon... na hinihintay na lang natin kung
kelan ako mawawalan ng malay, kung kelan ako matutumba... hindi ko kayang panoorin
kang nag-aalala at natatakot.

Alam ko, kahit hindi ka nagsasalita... natatakot ka na dumating iyong araw na bigla
na lang akong mawawala. At hindi ko hahayaang mabuhay ka sa takot na iyon. And if I
were to stay and to see you shackled to me for the days, weeks, possibly months on
end...to witness your pity, your fear, our helplessness...to have you witness my
sufferings...

I truly didn't have any hope for the future anymore. The doctors warned me that it
would most likely have spread too far, too fast. And sooner or later... I would
never see anything. They told me that if I ever agree on that operation... there's
a chance that I might be blind. I'd never see your face. If ever I survived. But if
I don't, then..."

I'll die.

The unspoken words hung in the air.  

"The fact was that... I couldn't stay even if I want to, Alex. I had to get out of
here before I forgot that I have less time to live before I start wishing and
hoping that perhaps... maybe if we didn't share such a tangled history then maybe
everything might have been different... in another world." I smiled with a tinge of
sadness on it, remembering our conversation one afternoon.  

"Alex, gusto kong malaman mo na desisyon ko ang umalis noon... at desisyon ko pa

rin ang umalis ngayon. And I'd do it over and over again. Walang pagsisisi. Hindi
mo siguro maintindihan kung bakit ko ginawa ito... kung bakit ako umalis... pero
sana balang araw, magawa mo pa rin akong mapatawad. 

At sana balang araw, magawa mong ngumiti at maging masaya. At sana, makahanap ka ng
babaeng magpapasaya sayo... iyong hindi ka iiwan... iyong malusog. Iyong babaeng
makakapagbigay sayo ng mga bagay na hindi ko napunan. Sana makahanap kang babaen
bibili ng medyas sayo na hindi tulad ng binibili ko sayo. Kasi baka pagtawanan ka
ng mga kasama mo. Iyong babaeng kaya kang tatawaging Alex. 

Sana mahanap mo iyong babaeng mamahalin ka ng sobra pa sa pagmamahal ko sayo.

Ang tatlong bagay na ito ang huling regalo ko sayo, Alex. Ito lang ang maibibigay
ko sayo ngayon. Kaya sana, ingatan mo... alagaan mo.

Hanggang dito na lang ako. Paalam." naririnig ko na an pagpiyok ng boses ko dahil

sa tindi ng emosuyong gustong kumawala sa dibdib ko. At ramdam ko na rin ang buhos
ng mga luha ko. "Mag-iingat ka lagi. Kumain ka ng mabuti. Alagaan mo ang sarili mo,
Alex. Ipagdarasal ko na sana maging masaya ka saan man ako mapunta."  

* * * * *

Ilang oras ng tapos ang pinapanood ni Alex pero nakatitig pa rin siya sa itim na
screen na iyon. Tulala. 
Ilang minuto pa siyang huminga para lang maramdamang buhay pa siya, humihinga at
gumagalaw. Tumayo siya at kinuha ang brown envelope na iyon. This was her last
gift.

He went out to the terrace and slowly opened the lid of the envelope. He took out
the papers inside and saw that it was the annulment papers he send over Faith's
legal attorney two years ago... and it was not the cool breeze of the wind that
made him go cold—it was the signature above her name.

For the second time in his life, he felt at a loss, didn't know what to do...
didn't know what to feel... he just don't want to think at all. 

As he looked out over the sun kissing the sea, he started to feel the ache
spreading through his limbs as the realization of reality dawned on him.

Faith would never return to him. She would not be coming back again.

He slammed a hand down on the railing. Why? Why did she have to leave him again
this time?Was this some kind of revenge? A karma for behaving such a jerk before?

No... it was not. It was fate... not circumstances. It was what He wanted. Wasn't
it? Ano pa ba ang magagawa niya sa lagay na 'to? She left him again... and she did
that because she love him right?

But why does he feel like she was doing this just to tear him apart?

He left the view and went back in, slamming the door shut behind him so forcefully
that the windows shuddered, threatening to burst nto pieces.

And the next day, when he got on the plane to go to Palawan, his face was so grim
and stern that no one dared speak to him.

━━━━━━  « ღ » ━━━━━━ 

A/N: Napaka-silent reader niyo talaga. Sige na nga, just VOTE na lang. Wag ng
comment, kasi wala namang nag-co-comment. :(

Hehehe. Pa-emote lang din ang peg? 

Malapit na ang ending so comment naman kayo diyan. So I can thank you properly for
supporting this story. :)

xoxo,
^^v

=================

Chapter ➍⓪ | Battlefield

Chapter ➍⓪ | Battlefield

Napatingin si Emma sa sarili niyang relo.

Alas-nuwebe na pero wala pa rin si Drew sa restaurant. Ano ba iyon? Susunduin ba

talaga siya ng mokong na iyon o hindi? 

Naku! Sana dinala na lang niya ang sarili niyang kotse. Nagpapapaniwala pa siya sa
tuod na iyon. Baka nambabae na naman ang ungas. 

Naramdaman na naman niya ang pagkalam ng sikmura niya. Di pa siya kumakain ng

dinner kasi plano nilang magdinner ni Drew ngayong gabi. Ngayon kasi ang uwi nito
galing Palawan.

Papasok na sana siya siya sa loob nang makarinig siya ng kotseng paparating.

Sumilay ang kunot sa noo niya.

Duh! Anong aasahan ng mokong? Yayakapin niya ito sa pagdating nito?

She saw him get out of the car. Raratratan na sana niya ito kaya lang nastatuwa
siya sa hitsura ni Drew. Napakalalim ng kunot ng noo nito at mukha itong nag-
aalala. 

"Help me get him inside." sabi nito.  

"Sino?" tanong niya habang sinusundan niya ito. Hindi sumagot si Drew. Agad nitong
binuksan ang pintuan sa back seat at doon, nakita ni Emma ang lasing na lasing na
Xander. "What happened to him?" nagtataka at nag-aalalang tanong niya habang
inaalalayan ni Drew si Xander na umupo ng maayos. 

"Naglasing." maikling sagot ni Drew. 

Pinigil niyang umikot ang sariling mga mata. "I can see that. Ang tanong ko, bakit
siya naglasing?"
"Sa loob na lang natin iyan pag-usapan, Emma. I need a hand first." seryosong sagot
ni Drew.

Tinulungan ni Emma si Drew na ipasok si Xander sa loob ng restaurant niya at

pinahiga ito sa isang sofa. Bumagsak din siya sa sahig dahil sa pagod. Napatingin
siya kay Drew na mukhang awang-awa sa kaibigan. 

"Drew, bakit ba siya naglasing?" tanong niya ulit, kahit na may bumubuong teoriya
sa isipan niya. Pero ayaw niyang isiping iyon nga ang dahilan. "May nangyari ba sa
Palawan? Umatras ba ang kleyente ninyo?"

"No." marahan itong umiling. "It's not about business." tapos ay bumuntong hininga
ito. "It's about Faith. He said she left him again."

Hindi siya nakapagsalita kaagad. She knew it would happen sooner ir later. Inasahan
na niya iyon. Kaya lang sinindot pa rin siya ng konsensiya niya sa nakikita niya.  

"May sinabi ba sayo si Faith? Nabanggit ba niya sayo kung saan siya pumunta? Bakit
siya umalis?" 

Umiling siya saka tumikhim. "No. Hindi kami nagkausap after she left the hospital."
sabi niya na hindi makatingin ng deretso kay Drew. Natatakot siya na baka mahalata
siya nitong nagsisinungaling.

She heard him drew a long harsh breath. "Hindi na siya maawat. Ayaw pa niyang umuwi
kanina." napahilot ito sa batok. "Muntik pa siyang mapaaway sa bar sa sobrang
kalasingan."

Kinagat ni Emma ang ibabang bibig niya para pigilin ang sarili niyang magsalita. It
was not her call to say anything. Nangako siya. She gave Faith her word.

But was that the right choice? Hahayaan na lang ba niya si Xander na magkaganito?

* * * * *

"Miss Lewis!" Gulat na tumayo mula sa puwesto nito si Gretchen nang makita si
Savannah na paparating.

"Nasa loob ba si Xander?" 

"Uh..." the woman eyed the door nervously. "Nasa loob po siya, kaya lang po—" Hindi
na pinatapos ni Savannah si Gretchen at naglakad na siya papasok sa opisina ni
Xander. "Ma'am, di po kayo puwedeng pumasok!" habol pa nito sa kanya.
But she was too late. Savannah opened the door and let herself in. Nalukot ang
ilong niya nang salubungin siya ng amoy na iyon. The room reeked of alcohol. At ang
dilim pa ng opisina nito. 

"I'm s-sorry, Sir. Hindi ko po napigilan—"

"Close the damn door!" Xander's voice thundered in the four corners of the room.

Mabilis na sumunod si Gretchen. Savannah could almost laugh at how she looked like.
Para itong pusang sinipa sa kalye. She almost felt sorry for her. Nagkaroon pa ito
ng boss eh iyong katulad pa ni Xander. With his temper, walang taong nakakatagal
rito.

Nakita niya iyong remote control para sa ilaw ng opisina nito at kinuha iyon.
Kasabay ng pagsabog ng liwanag sa kuwarto ay ang pagdaing at ang malulutong na mura
ni Xander.  

"Turn that off!!" he grumbled loudly but she didn't even flinched. Sa tagal na
panahong kilala at nakasama niya si Xander, sanay na siya. Besides, she knew
exactly why he was behaving like this again. 

"And here I though you'd never do this again." isa-isa niyang pinagpipindot ang
remote control para buksan isa-isa ang mga takip ng bintana nito. Hindi niya
pinansin ang mga reklamo ni Xander at nagpatuloy siya sa ginagawa. 

Saka lang niya tinapunan ng tingin si Xander nang maliwanag na maliwanag na ang
opisina nito. But the awful smell was still there. 

"What the hell do you want, Savannah?" nakita ni Savannah na tinakpan ni Xander ang
mga mata nito. 

Napangiwi siya nang makita niya ang hitsura nito. Sabog ang buhok, gusot-gusot ang
damit, at mukhang gusgusin dahil sa tumubong balbas at begote nito. He looked ten
times worser that he was before. "Aren't you looking at your face in a mirror these
days?" her lips curled disapprovingly. Luminga-linga siya sa paligid para hanapin
ang airfreshener nito.

"I don't have time to look in a mirror." he mumbled.

"Then take a shower at least before you leave your place." sabi niya habang inuobos
niya ang laman ng spray. Hindi siya makakatagal sa lugar na iyon kung manganagamoy
alak siya.

"If you're here to lecture me about my hygiene, then you can leave. Sinasayang mo
ang oras ko." masungit nitong sabi.
Lumingon siya rito. "Sa nakikita ko, wala ka namang ginagawa kundi ang lunurin ang
sarili mo sa alak... at sa walang ka-kuwenta-kuwentang bagay." He dropped his hands
and fixed her with his famous laser gaze. "Ano? Galit ka sakin dahil sa sinabi ko?"
taas kilay niyang sinalubong ang titig nito.

His face turned grim. "I'm gonna ask you again. Why are you here, Savannah?"

Ibinaba niya ang spray bottle na hawak niya at humalukipkip. "You don't scare me,
Xander. So stop looking me at me like that. Hindi ako ibang tao. I've put up with
your horrible temper for years so if there's any of the two of us who should be
looking at someone like that, it's me. So don't patronize me."

"Damn!!" nagsunod-sunod ang mura nito.

Napabuntong-hininga siya. "Stop cursing, Xander. Walang maitutulong iyan sa

problema mo ngayon. And it doesn't make you feel any better."

"Just stop it! Okay!" biglang sigaw nito. "Stop telling me what to do and not to
do!! Hindi ikaw si—" bigla itong tumigil at lumambong ang mga mata ito.

Nanikip ang dibdib ni Savannah. "Yes, Xander. Please do continue." humakbang siya
palapit rito. "Na ano? Hindi ako ang asawa mo? Na kaibigan mo lang ako?" she
stopped near at his table and looked down on him. "Don't ever compare me to her
dahil hindi ako si Faith. Magkaiba kami. I'd never leave you and I'd never do the
same thing kahit na naiintindihan ko ang dahilan kung bakit niya ginawa iyon."

His lips curled in a sarcastic smile. "What? Are you taking her side now?"

"I'm not taking any sides, Xander." hell would freeze first before she took Faith's
side. Pero hindi rin naman kaila sa kanya na para din kay Xander kaya umalis si
Faith. Kahit hindi niya gusto si Faith, she admired her bravery. Her selfless love
for Xander. Mas insip nito ang kapakanan ni Xander more than her own. She
sacrificed her own happiness just to keep Xander from suffering. And if she was in
her shoes, hindi niya kayang gawin iyon.

"Look, all I'm saying is you don't have to act like this. Iniwan ka niya dahil
gusto ka niyang maging masaya. Ayaw ka niyang masaktan."

"Oh, wow! Ano 'to? May usapan kayo ni Faith? Are you two friends now?" he said
sarcastically.

"Stop being sarcastic, Xander. It doesn't suit you."

Bigla nitong inikot ang upuan patalikod. "Just leave. Masakit ang ulo ko." 
Umakyat ang inis ni Savannah sa ipinapakita nitong ugali. Kaya siya nandito ay
dahil sa pakiusap sa kanya ng kuya niya. Nag-aalala rin ito sa kaibigan. Nang
malaman nila ang tungkol sa pag-alis ni Faith at sa sakit nito... everyone was more
worried about Xander.

Pero sa ugaling meron ito ngayon, hindi niya mapigilang magalit. He was acting like
a total asshole. Para saan pa ang pag-aalala ng mga tao sa rito kung hindi nito
tutulungan ang sarili nito?

"You know, what? You're acting like a total ass right now. So I'm sorry if I think
you deserve this." naiinis na kasi siya. Imbis na maawa siya rito, mas gusto pa
niyang iwan ito at pabayaan na lang.

"I didn't give you up for this, Xander. Hindi ako nagpakita sayo after the last
time we talked—and that was after my birthday. Dahil iyon sa alam ko na wala na
akong pag-asa sayo. I knew you still love her kahit na noong iniwan ka niya sa
unang pagkakataon. Kahit na mabigat ang ginawa niyang kasalanan. Pero hindi pa rin
ako sumuko. Naghintay pa rin ako dahil naniniwala akong makakalimutan mo siya. Pero
hindi nangyari iyon. She came back and I knew my time's up. I'll always be your
best friend. I get that.

But you know what was infuriating me? This—seeing you like this. All over again! 

I gave up to give you a chance to be with the woman you love. I gave up just so
that I can see you happy again. Pero ano 'to?" she gestured her hand around the
room. "Bakit ka nagkukulong sa madilim na lugar na 'to? Xander, hindi ito ang
dahilan kaya kita isinuko. So please, don't make me regret letting you go."

Marahas itong tumayo at humarap sa kanya. "What do you want me to do?! Huh?!"

She couldn't speak. Hindi niya inasahang makikita niya ang ganoong emosyon sa nga
mata nito. The bleakness, agony and helplessness that was tormenting his soul... it
was all there. Suddenly he looked down and ran a hand through his hair. It stayed
there for a while as she watched his body shake. "She's gone..." he whispered
brokenly.

Humupa ang sariling galit ni Savannah habang pinapanood niya ang lalaking tanging
laman ng puso niya. He was broken. And she couldn't fix him. Hindi siya ang
makakapuno sa kalungkutan nito. Hindi siya ang makakapanumbalik ng kinan sa mga
mata nito.

With a heavy heart, lumapit siya kay Xander at hinaplos ang likod nito. She would
find Faith if that was the only thing that could stop him from destroying himself.
Pero sa ngayon, ito lang ang maibibigay niyang suporta rito.

"Iniwan na niya ako... hindi ko na siya makikita... marami pa akong gustong sabihin
sa kanya." he sobbed.
"Ssshh... everything's going to be okay..."

Naramdaman niya ang iling nito. "No, Sav... hindi na siya babalik."    

When Savannah thought she already had her heart broken, here she was feeling a
tearing sensation inside her again. Sa totoo lang naaawa siya ay Xander. He loved
the same woman twice, he loved so hard... and yet he still couldn't be happy with
her.  

* * * * *

One week later...

'...sa susunod na site. Mr. Arellano wants to add 28 square meters to south for
additional space...'

Alex was tuning out of the conversation around him. This was one of the most
biggest project they contracted after the Monte Falco's Hotel Empire. He knew he
should be focusing on it now. But his mind was spinning three way. It couldn't
settle. And then there was the heavy weight lodged in his chest that was
threatening to choke him.

For days, he was living like that—removed from his body, from his mind, and soul.
All he could see, all he could think about, was Faith. 

Her scent was all he could smell. Her eyes were all he could see everytime he woke
up and before he falls asleep. She was everywhere he looked, but only in his mind's
eye.

The rest was just that— meaningless. They only left him cold and heartless. 

'...Xander...'

'What?' Alex said sharply as his focus zoomed in on those people who were looking
at him expectantly. Nakita niyang sumenyas si Drew sa pintuan. Doon, nakita niya si
Gretchen na halos magtago na sa likod ng pintuan.  

"Ano iyon, Gretchen? Diba ang sabi ko ayoko ng isturbo?" 

"S-sir... kasi po..." hindi ito makatingin ng maayos kay Alex.

"Are you defying my orders? Simpleng bagay lang di mo pa magawa ng maayos. Do you
want me to fire you?" 

"You don't have to terrorize her, Xander. Ako ang nagpumilit na makita ka." a man
appeared behind the Gretchen who was blanching severely.

Alex saw red. Mula sa kinauupuan niya ay inilang hakbang lang niya ang pintuan para
kuweliyuhan ang lalaking bagong dating. "Ano'ng ginagawa mo rito?! Nasan siya?!
Saan mo dinala si Faith?! Sagutin mo ako!" 

"Xander, huminahon ka." naramdaman ni Alex ang kamay na lumapat sa braso niya at
pinilit na tanggalin ang kamay sa kuwelyo ni Jed. Noon lang siya natauhan. Alex had
Jed up against a wall with his fist around his neck. It was like a dose of cold
water. 

Napalingon siya at nakita niya ang pagtataka at takot sa mukha ng mga tao roon.

What was he doing?! He was losing his grip—to his sanity, his head... everything.
He was losing himself.

Alex let him go abruptly, feeling ashamed and defeated, and turned to walk away. He
strode out of the room, cutting a swathe through the crowd, who watched in stunned
silence. But he stopped in his tracks when he heard Jed spoke.

"I need to talk to you, Xander. Kaya ako nagpunta rito."

Well, too bad he was not in the mood to talk. 

Alex started to walk again but Jed was not giving up. "Faith needs you, Xander. We
need you. Ikaw lang ang makakapilit sa kanya."

Dahan-dahan siyang lumingon. Nakalarawan sa mukha niya ang pagkalito, kagalakang

hindi niya maitago, at takot. "Ano'ng sabi mo...?" He didn't even notice that his
heart rate was doing triple time. 

Tumayo ng maayos si Jed at inayos ang nagusot niyang damit. "I know where she is. I
can take you there."

━━━━━━  « ღ » ━━━━━━

A/N: VOTE and COMMENT. :) 

^^v
=================

Chapter ➍➀ | Lifeline

Chapter ➍➀ | Lifeline

Two days ago...

Naptingin si Emma sa pintuan nang marinig niyang bumukas iyon. "Na-lock mo na yung
pinto sa likod?" tanong niya nang makita niyang lumabas mula doon si Drew.

"Tapos na. Pati na rin sa taas." Sagot nito habang nila-lock naman ang main door ng
restaurant. Hinila pa ulit nito ang rehas ng isang beses bego ito lumapit sa kanya.
"Let's go?"

Naunang pumasok si Emma sa loob. Agad siyang nakaramdam ng pagod nang maramdaman
niya ang malambot na sofa. Masyado siyang napagod sa araw na 'to dahil maraming
costumers ang nagpabook ng reservation.

Naghikab siya.

"You can sleep there. Babagalan ko na lang ang takbo ko para makatulog ka ng
maayos."

Napangiti si Emma habang inaayos niya ang sarili para matulog. Napaka-considerate
at napaka-maalaga talaga ng fiance niya. Kahit napaka-maldita niya rito kung
minsan, mabait pa rin ito at napaka-maunawain. Kaya nga mahal na mahal niya ang
ugok na 'to, kahit na kadalasan ay palpak ito. Bukod don, napakabait pa nito sa mga
kaibigan nito... di tulad niya.

Napabuntong hininga siya. Sinusundot na naman kasi siya ng konsensya niya.

"What is it? May nakalimutan ka ba sa restaurant?" 

Napatingin si Emma kay Drew. "Huh?"

"You have that crease on your forehead right now."

"Wala. May naisip lang ako." sabi niya at pumikit na para hindi na ito
makapagtanong pa.

Nagsisimula ng maidlip si Emma nang marinig niyang tumunog ang cellphone ni Drew.
Napa-mura pa ito at mabilis na sinagot ang tawag sa takot na baka magising siya.
"Hello? Xander?" Bulong nito.

Nawala ang ngiti sa mukha ni Emma nang marinig ang pangalan ni Xander.

"Savannah?" nagtatakang bulong pa rin ni Drew. "Bakit? Anong nangyari sa kanya?"

Kinabahan si Emma. What did Xander do this time?

"Sige, sige. Papunta na kami diyan."

Naramdaman ni Emma ang biglang pagliko ng sasakyan. Kunwari siyang naalimpungatan.

"Sino iyong tumwag?" tanong niya sa naka-kunot noong si Drew. Alam niyang nag-
aalala na naman ito sa kaibigan.

"It's Savannah."

"Bakit siya tumawag?"

"It's Xander. Mukhang napaaway."

* * * * * 

"I'm sorry. Hindi ko kasi ma-contact ang iba. And I figured malapit lang dito ang
bahay mo kaya ikaw na lang ang tinwagan ko." salubong sa kanila ni Savannah. 

"It's okay. Mabuti nga tinawagan mo ako. Where is he?"

Iginaya sila nito sa kinaroroonan ni Xander. At nakita nilang nakasalampak na ito

sa sahig. "He's wasted. Buti naabutan ko bago siya mapuruhan ng tatlong lalaking
kanina."

Bukod sa sira-sira at punit-punit nitong bibig, putok pa ang gilid ng bibig nito at
may pasa pa ito sa mukha. "He's suicidal." sabi ni Drew sa kawalan. Nilapitan nito
si Xander at yumukpo para itayo ito. "Ano bang tumatakbo sa isip mo ngayon, Xander?
Bakit ka ba nagkakaganito?"

Mabilis na dinaluhan ni Emma si Drew para tulungan itong itayo si Xander. She
couldn't watch him like this. Kailngan may gawin siya para matigil na ni Xander ang
pagpapahirap nito sa sarili.

"Let's take him inside. Kailangan niyang maligo sa mainit na tubig para matauhan
siya." sabi ni Drew bago nila ito naipasok sa loob ng kotse.

 * * * * * 

Pagdating ni Emma  sa condo unit niya, agad niyang pinindot ang cell number ni Jed.
She would put everything aside now. She knew she would break a promise. She would
let Faith down... 

Pero wala na siyang ibang magagawa. She would sacrifice one promise just to save a
friend. Hindi niya magagawang manood na lang habang namamatay ng paunti-unti ang
kaibigan niya, ni Drew. 

Maybe Faith would not forgive her... but she will understand. Para din ito kay
Faith. Because what she would do was just not to save Xander—because she would save
hers too.

"Emma.. there's—"

"Jed, you have to tell Xander where she is." putol niya kay Jed nang sumagot ito.
"He's starting to be a threat to himself. Baka kung ano na ang gawin niya sa
susunod. You know I can't let that happen. Kaibigan ko din si Xander." 

"Yeah... I know." malungkot ang tono ng boses nito. 

"Anong ibig mong sabihin? Payag ka na na sabihin kay Xander ang lahat?"

Isang malalim na hininga nag pinakawalan nito. "Faith refused."

"What? Why?!" para siyang dinagukan ng isang malaking bato sa ulo.

"Nagbago ang isip niya. Hindi namin siya mapilit. We need Xander to convince her to
do the operation. Iyon lang ang alam naming natitirang paraan. But there's a
problem."

"Ano iyon?"

"Faith... she had a seizure attack today..." sabi nito sa nahihirapang boses.

Parang may pumiga sa dibdib ni Emma. "Is.. is she okay?"

"No... she's not waking up."

 * * * * *

Bumaba si Alex mula sa kotse ni Jed na may mabibigat na paa. Hindi siya sigurado
kung tama bang sumama siya rito. Pero iisa lang ang dahilan niya kaya siya sumama—
iyon ay ang makita ulit si Faith. 

"Come, I'll show you in."

Sinundan ni Alex si Jed. Pero may umagaw ng tingin niya bago pa siya makapsok.

"Si Faith ang may idea niyan noong nandito pa siya." saad ni Jed nang mapansin nito
kung saan siya nakatingin. "She named it after her parents' name, 'Daniel and Ange
Wing'. It's for children with brain tumor cases. Dahil nga libre ang gamot dito,
naisip ni Faith na diyan ilaan ang perang nalikom niya nong ibenta niya lahat ng
naiwang ari-arian ng mga magulang niya. Even her own money."

Kaya walang laman ang bank account nito nong minsang tingnan iyon ni Alex noon...
was because of this? Bakit hindi nito sinabi sa kanya? He even accused her for
being a gold-digger!

Galit na naikuyom ni Alex ang mga kamay niya. He was angry to himself. Galit siya
sa mga nagawa at nasabi niya noon kay Faith. He felt so disgusted with himself. 

"Let's go in." yaya na ni Jed maya-maya. Nang makapasok na sila, nakita ni Jed na
hindi lang basta-basta ang clinic na iyon. Maliit nga siya kumpara sa isang
hospital. It's only a one-story unit pero isang state of the art naman ang sa loob.

"She's been here for the past three years. Dito siya pumunta nong umalis siya."
kuwento pa ni Jed habang sinusundan niya ito. "Nagulat din ako nong una ko siyang
makita rito." tumigil ito sa isang kuwarto. "Ito ang Quarantine room.. she's been
here most of her stay when she was undergoing chemotherapy. Mababa ang resistensya
niya kaya madalas siyang magkaron ng lagnat. We had to put her in here to prevent
her from acquiring another infection. Because most cancer patients...infection is
the leading cause of their death."

It nearly destroyed Alex to see what Faith had to endure. Alone. And no one should
have to feel that— that they have no option but to endure all of this alone.  

He shoved his hands under his pockets and looked at him, his face slightly
fierce. "I can't stress enough how ill she was then. But the fact that she survived
at all... it is a testament to her strength and her drive to fight. Faith showed a
great deal of courage in the face of daily pain on a level that you or I can only
imagine." The stark words struck deep inside Alex.  
Alex reeled anew. And took a deep breath. Enough was enough. He only wanted to see
her, not to listen to him. "Where is she?"

Jed looked at Alex for a long moment and then, as if he saw something he could
trust, he nodded to him briefly and started to walk again. After a few corners, Jed
halted and turned to him. "Faith is my friend... but there are times when I wished
she wasn't so stubborn and hard-headed..."

Kumunot ang noo ni Alex. "Nasan siya Jed? Bakit kung saan-saan mo pa ako dinadala?
May tinatago ka ba sakin?"

Nalungkot ang mga mata nito, at mayron pa siyang nabasa doon pero ayaw niyang
pangalanan iyon. He didn't like it. "I won't lie to you, Xander. Ayaw ni Faith na
malaman mong nandito siya. She wanted to keep this a secret from you until..."
hindi nito tinuloy ang sasabihin pero alam ni Alex kung ano iyon.

"I am asking you. Where is she, Jed." maigting na tanong ni Alex rito. Hindi na
niya alam kung ano pang pagpipigil ang gagawin niya para lang huwag itong
masaktan. 

"She's inside."

Napatingin si Alex sa katabi nilang pintuan. His heart seemed to beat like a drum.
Faith was inside. She was here. Ang lapit-lapit na nito sa kanya. He could see her
again.

"Teka lang, Xander." pigil ni Jed sa kanya. May pag-aalinglangan sa mga mata nito,
at takot. "Bago ka tuluyang pumasok... gutso kong ihanda mo muna ang sarili mo sa
makikita mo."

Naramdaman niya ang paggapang ng kakaibang kilabot sa balat niya sa sinabi nito.
Pero bago pa siya makapagtanong ay binuksan na ni Jed ang pintuan para sa kanya.

And then there she was...

Alex thought his world stopped turning and his blood ran dry when he zoomed in on
Faith who was peacefully lying on a bed with tubes and machines hooked all over her
tiny frail body. Even his breathing ceased. At tanging ang tunog lang ng respirator
ang pumuno sa katahimikang nabuo sa paligid nila.

━━━━━━  « ღ » ━━━━━━

A/N: COMMENT and VOTE! >.<

=================
Chapter ➍➁ | Hear Me

Chapter ➍➁ | Hear Me

Alex backed away slightly, feeling dizzy all of a sudden. It's as if there was a
blind full force pushing him at the sight of Faith lying there, unconscious and
unresponsive. All he wanted to do now was to flee... be alone and let it all out.
Make the pain in his chest, the numbness go away. But he couldn't do that.

His limbs felt too heavy he couldn't lift them. Pero sinubukan pa rin niyang
gumalaw at lumapit kay Faith... gusto niyang hawakan ito, at iparamdam rito na
nandoon siya sa tabi nito. With his arms hanging limply on his sides, his heart
thudding dully in his chest, he started to drag his feet and walked near her.

A painful lump formed in his throat when he finally took a closer look at her. She
was paler than he remembered. At parang mas lalo pa itong pumayat. Napaupo siya
dahil pakiramdam niya ay nanghina siya. Napahawak siya sa ulo niya. Para siyang
nasa isang masamang panaginip.

Nananaginip ba siya? Panaginip lang ito, diba? Hindi si Faith ang nakikita niya. It
was someone else. Hindi ito iyon...

As he stared blankly down at his feet with his hands fiercely clutching his head,
he felt someone put a heavy hand on his shoulder, squeezing it as if telling him to
pull himself together... then he remembered Jed was there with him inside the room.
He didn't even realize his body was trembling violently from anguish, despair,
pain, and his lost hope.

His voice was hoarse from tears swelling up inside his throat. "Wha- why.." he
breathed a heavy long breath. Damn! He couldn't even articulate a proper word.
Dahil iyon sa pseteng sakit na umiipit sa dibdib niya. Ang sakit na! So he took
refuge on attack.

Galit na hinarap niya si Jed. "Tell me... anong nangyari? Bakit ngayon niyo lang
sakin sinabi? Bakit niyo tinago sakin na nandito siya kahit na alam ninyong
hinahanap ko siya?!"

Alam niyang mali, at nahihiya siya saginawa niya. Pero wala eh.. hindi niya alam
kung sa paanong paraan pa niya mailalabas ang bigat at sakit na nararamdaman niya.
Only he felt that he would at least feel justified if he took his rage at someone.

"Alex, calm-"
Mabilis na hinatak ni Alex ang kuwelyo ng damit nito at mariing hinwakan iyon.
"Don't you dare call me that." he gritted between his teeth. He was blinded by his
rage and he could do nothing to stop himself.

Alex felt the heat building behind his eyelids kaya marahas niya itong binitawan.
Ayaw niyang ipakita rito kung gaano siya nahihirapan ngayon, kung gaano siya
nasasaktan. Ayaw niyang makita ang awa nito. Muli niyang hinarap si Faith. Ganon pa
rin ito... walang malay.

"I'm sorry if you feel that we betrayed you. You have the right to feel that way...
I understand." hinging patawad ni Jed mula sa likuran niya. He could hear the
sincerity in his voice, but it didn't weaken the pain of betrayal and the anger
that he knew well was directed to himself. "Pero sinunod lang namin ang gusto ni
Faith. Ayaw niyang malaman mong nandito siya. And we respect her decision."

Alex's shoulders sagged from losing because he knew he was right. They didn't have
the option to go against a patient's wish. At lalo lang siyang nasasaktan dahil mas
lumilinaw sa kanya na mas pinili ni Faith na ilihim sa kanya kung nasaan ito, at
kung ano ang kalagayan nito sa kanya.

"It's not that she wanted to hide it from you.." Jed voiced out as if reading his
mind. "You know how she is. It's in her nature to protect people she loved. Mahal
ka niya kaya siya umalis. Ayaw niyang masaktan ka kapag nalaman mo ang totoo."

"Why does everybody keep saying that?" humarap si Alex kay Jed. "Do you think I'm
feeling okay now that I am seeing her like this? Bakit niya nainisip na kaya niya
akong protektahan kapag naglihim siya sakin? Do you have any idea how ridiculous
that sound?"

He pressed his lips before he spoke. "Xander, hindi ko hawak ang desisyon ni Faith.
Kahit ano pang pigil ko sa kanya noon, at kahit ano pang pagkumbinsi ang ginawa ko
noon na sabihin sayo ang totoo, siya pa rin ang magdedesisyon. And she chose to
keep it from you. That's because she loves you very much. Iyon ang alam ko. We
might not understand her reason, but she does. Mas gugustuhin pa niyang siya ang
masaktan kesa masaktan ka niya."

Goddammit! Hindi pa rin niya maintindihan! Because it it was him... he'd tell her.
Everything. He would choose to spend his last breath with her. Ganoon ang
pagmamahal.

But Faith couldn't handle to be selfish. Tama si Jed. It was her nature to be
selfless. Not like him.

Maybe Faith wanted to own all the pain and endure it alone. So he wouldn't feel it.
So he wouldn't have to suffer.

But... did she have to do it? Wala naman siyang sinabi na akuin nito lahat iyon ng
mag-isa. He married her and vowed to be together for worse or for better. That he
would protect her.

He guessed he fell short and failed.

"What happened to her?" Alex's voice thickened with suppressed emotions.

Isang malalim na hangin ang ibinuga ni Jed at marahas na ibinulsa ang dalawang
kamay nito. Nakita nia ang paglunok nito at ang pamamasa ng mga mata nito. "She's
been unconsious for two days now, after her last seizure attack. Hindi na siya
nagising, kahit isang beses lang."

Napakapit si Alex sa rehas ng kama nang maalala niya ang gabing iyon... gabing
naranasan niya ang kakaibang takot na muntik na niyang ikabaliw. At ang isisping
nangyari ulit iyon kay Faith... it was doing more damage to his barely contained
control and sanity.

"She was supposed to have an operation." tiningnan siya ni Jed, asking if he knew
about it already.

"When is that?"

"By next Saturday. And since she have to fly to US, she needed to board the plane
by Monday. Marami pang tests ang kailangang gawin bago nila simulan ang operasyon."

Alex did a mental calculation. Kung aalis ito ng Monday, that would be three days
by now. And if Faith was still unconscious by then...

"Hindi problema kung hindi kami makakaalis ng maaga. We could reschedule the
operation." sabi ni Jed. Seriously, could this guy read minds? "The problem is, she
refused the operation. And if we wait for her to change her mind, that could reduce
her chances even more if we wait too long."

And that's where his role comes in. That was why he's here... they need him to talk
to her and convince her.

Napatingin siya ulit sa mukha ng asawa niya. Yes.. she's still his wife. Kahit na
gusto nitong ipa-annula ng kasal nila... she would still be his wife. Nothing, not
even those papers, could break their marriage. Not even death.

"You think she can hear me?"

"According to science, hearing is the last sense to go when a person becomes

unconscious." Jed stated as-a-matter-of-factly. "She may or may not hear you... but
in most cases, it's true. Besides, it's worth trying."

* * * * *

For a long moment, Alex just sat there, holding Faith's hand. Kanina pa naka-alis
si Jed pero heto pa rin siya, walang masabi. Hindi niya alam kung paano siya
magsisimula, kung ano ang sasabihin niya. Kung paano niya ito kukumbinsihin.

Pero kailangan niyang subukan.

"Hey..." pumiyok ang boses niya. He cleared his throat and tried again. "Faith...
naririnig mo ba ako? It's me, Alex." his voice cracked. At hindi na niya napigilan
ang bugso ng damdamin niya. Lumabas ang mga luhang pinigilan niya sa loob ng ilang
araw simula noong umalis ito sa pangalawang pagkakataon. Parang isang dam na
nabuksan ang mga mata niya at bumuhos lahat ng naipong tubig doon.

Ginagap niya ng mahigpit ang kamay niya at idinikit iyon sa bibig niya. He knew he
would make a sound. At ayaw niyang marinig ni Faith na umiiyak at nahihirapan siya.

Kahit na mahirap, pinilit pa rin ni Alex na magsalita. "I'm sorry-I'm so sorry that
you felt this was your only option-to keep everything a secret from me and endure
this alone... so you could protect me and save me from hurting. But I'm here now.
You don't have to do this alone. You're not alone in this anymore. I'll never leave
you even if you leave me again for the third time. At hinding hindi na rin kita
hahayaang makawala pa kahit na iyon ang gusto mo. I'm selfish, I know. Kaya ganon
din ako magmahal.

I'm sorry for everything that I have said before. Lahat ng mga maling bintang ko
sayo.. lahat ng mga masasakit na salitang nabitawan ko. Galit ako non, kaya ko
nasabi at nagawa ang mga bagay na iyon. But you have to know, mas nasasaktan ako
kapag nakikita kong nasasaktan ka sa mga ginagawa ko.

I forgave you long before I said I love you. Even before I realized I'm not so mad
at you, for what you did. Napatawad na kita. At gusto ko ng kalimutan ang nakaraan
dahil alam kong marami kang sekretong hindi masabi-sabi sa akin. Gusto kong
magsimula ulit tayo ng walang tinatagong sekreto sa isa't isa.

You're my life, my breath... you complete my other half. You know that. The first
time you left, I barely lived. And then when you did it again... you almost killed
me. I told you not to leave me again, didn't I? You promised me, Faith. Pero ginawa
mo pa rin. I'm your husband. We took an oath to protect each other, to love and to
hold, through sickness and health, for better or worse. Nakalimutan mo na ba iyon?

How could you think you'd never hurt me if you keep this from me? Didn't you even
think that you could hurt me if you leave me?" taers kept on flowing uncontrollably
from his eyes and he didn't care. Ang mahalag ay masabi niya lahat ng gusto niyang
sabihin. Dahil baka hindi na niya masabi ang mga iyon...
Para na namang piniga ang puso niya kapag naiisip niya ang posibilidad na iyon.
Ayaw niyang isiping mangyayari iyon.. but reality was reality. Hindi niya hawak ang
buhay ni Faith... ng babaeng mahal na mahal niya higit pa sa buhay niya. And
knowing he couldn't do anything to keep her safe was tormenting him even more.

"It hurts me to see you like this. But it's more painful for me to live and wake up
everyday knowing you're out there somewhere alone..." and dying.

"And right now, you're making my life a living hell. Because I know that you will
leave me forever... without giving a fight.

So please... please wake up. Kung naririnig mo talaga ako, nakikiusap ako...
lumaban ka, Faith. Do the operation. Give me a chance to say I love you one hundred
times, everyday, for the rest of our lives.

Ikaw na rin ang nagsabi sakin... may plano ang Diyos. Maybe this was His plan.
Maybe He was giving you this chance. All you have to do is to trust Him. Take a
leap of faith.

I know you're scared... I'm scared too. But I know everything will be fine. I
believe that you can survive this. You will survive. At sana paniwalaan mo rin
iyon. Don't give up just yet." hinigpitan pa niya lalo ang hawak niya sa kamay ni
Faith, afraid that he would lose her if he loosen his grip.

"Just please.. wake up. And when you leave... please come back alive. For me. For
us. Give me hope... and luck."

* * * * *

Maagang pumasok si Alex sa opisina para magfile ng leave. Nagtataka pa ang ilan sa
mga kaibigan at katrabaho niya sa biglaang pag-alis niya samantalang kailangan siya
ng kompanya sa importanteng project na hawak nila ngayon.

Ngayong nahanap na niya si Faith... hinding hindi na niya ito hahayaang mawala pa
sa paningin niya. Not even his work could prevent him from staying beside her.
Kailangan siya ngayon ni Faith, at iyon lang ang dapat niyang pagtuunan ng oras
ngayon.

Binalot na niya ang mga gamit niya pag-uwing pag-uwi niya kahapon galing sa clinic.
Hindi na siya magsasayang ng oras, sigundo man o minuto. Marami na siyang nasayang
na oras noon. Kahit na itaboy pa siya ni Faith, he would stick up to her like a
leech if he have to. Whatever happens, come hell or high water, he would stay with
her and fight beside her.

But was that all his wishful thinking?

Because as he stood there, watching all those people wearing black clothes, crying
from grief... mourning...

The world seemed to tilt crazily around him and he couldn't stop the rising tide of
panic that gripped him. He never felt more terrified than he'd ever felt in his
life than this moment.

Was this real?

No! He wouldn't believe this was near to reality.. that this was really happening
to him. Ayaw niyang maniwala. No! This was not happening! He just saw her yesteday.
He told her to wake up.. to fight.. to stay. She heard him!

But as he looked down.. and read the name written on that casket.. it was enough to
answer him-that Faith... the woman he loved was dead.

She already left him. He was too late. She was gone.

Hindi na niya ito makikita kahit ano pang gawin niya. Faith left him for real. She
doesn't exist in this world anymore. At ang sakit na nararamdaman niya ngayon ay
walang kapantay.. walang katumbas. Para isang sakit na walang lunas.

Ang sakit ng dibdib niya. It was like he was being torn apart. At ramdam na ramdam
niya ang pagkakapunit ng puso niya. It felt so raw and real..

Kahit ano, gagawin niya, bumalik lang si Faith, mabuhay lang ito. Kahit pa
maglumuhod siya sa lupa ngayon at manalanging ibalik nito si Faith sa kanya...
gagawin niya. Any thing just so he could hold her again.. be with her again.

Kahit alam niyang imposible...

Pero naglumuhod na siya't humagulgol, sumigaw sa harap ng maraming tao, sa harap ng

kabaong nito.. wala pa rin. Iniwan na siya ng asawa niya... ng bababeng mahal
niya...

Mag-isa na lang siya ngayon.

━━━━━━ « ღ » ━━━━━━

A/N: COMMENT and VOTE. :'(

Isang chapter na lang ang natitira guys. Kaya sana, sabihin niyo na kung ano ang
gusto ninyong sabihin. Wehehe. :)
Mabait naman ako, kaya okay lang kahit ano. :) Just be honest. Okee?

Love you all!

TT ^ TT

=================

Chapter ➍➂ | The Heart of Faith

Chapter ➍➂ | The Heart of Faith

One year and four months later...

"Nasan ka na?" 

"I'm already in. Ikaw?" napatingin si Alex sa sariling relo. Five minutes lang
siyang na-late. Usapan nila 6 pm, pero mukhang mas nauna pa siyang dumating kesa
kina Billy at Drew. "Don't tell me on the way ka pa?" iritadong tanong niya kay
Billy.

"Wala pa si Drew?"

"Wal din. Ako lang ba ang pupunta rito o talagang nakalimutan ninyong may usapan
tayo?" May importante pa siyang tinatapos sa gagawin niyang exhibit, at sa makalawa
na iyon kaya kailangan niyang maghanda ng mabuti.

"Well, I think I can't make it today. Ako ang pinagbantay ni Janna kay Spike. Wala
kasi ang nanny niya, may sakit." pagdadahilan ni Billy sa kabilang linya.

Napabuntong hininga siya. Looks like he was set-up again. "Okay, sino na naman ang
blind-date ko ngayon?" ito talagang mga kaibigan niya, sira-ulo. Pati siya
pinagtripan. They had been doing these for these past months, and they always fail
to get him a lady. Pero ayaw pa rin paawat ang mga ito. Palibahasa, siya lang ang
walang love life. Na kesyo walang ka-kulay-kulay ang buhay. 

Tumikhim si Billy. Halatang guilty. "She said she'll be wearing white dress."

Agad na pinagdaan ni Alex ang paningin niya sa mga taong naroon, looking for a
certain lady in white, particularly alone. Mabuti na lang at lahat halos naka-itim
ang mga tao roon. Well, it's a formal restaurant.  
Noon niya nakitang may babaeng naka-upo sa isang mesa malapit sa bintana, nakaputi
at nag-iisa. He couldn't really see her from afar, pero naaaninag niyang maputi ito
at maganda.

Gago talagang 'tong mga kaibigan niya. Paano kaya nila ito napapayag na makipag-
blind date? Sa isang malaking hininga, naglakad na siya palapit sa baabeng mukhang
kanina pa naghihintay. 

Nakatingin lang ito sa may bintana kaya hindi nito napansin ang paglapit niya. He
cleared his throat to get her attention. At nagtagumpay naman siya.

The woman blinked from her trance and turned to look at him. Agad na sumilay ang
maganda nitong ngiti nang makita siya. 

"Hi. I'm sorry, I'm late. Mukhang kanina ka pa naghihintay." sabi ni Alex at tumayo
naman ang babae mula sa pagkakaupo nito.

She shook her head. "No,no, no. It's okay. Hindi naman ako nagtagal masyado." she
hed out her hand. "I'm Natalie. Natalie Jackson."

Inabot niya ang nakalahad nitong kamay. "Xander. Paul Alexander Smith."

"Xander? I like Alex more." nakangiting sabi nito at hindi binibitawan ang kamay
niya. Nanigas yata ang ngiti sa mukha niya kaya napaku ot-noo si Natalie. "Why? Did
I say something wrong?"

Umiling lang siya at iginiya ang upuan para maupo na sila. "Have a seat please."

"Pasensiya ka na kung kinulit ka pa ng mga kaibigan ko para sa blind date na 'to.

They can be reallly jerks." sabi ni Alex nang magsimula na silang kumain. Nasabi
kasi nito na personal nitong kilala ang mga kaibigan niya kaya malamang na ito ang
napagtripan din ng mga kaibigan niyang i-reto sa kanya. Kapag talaga walang magawa
sa buhay, kung sinu-sino na lang ang pinapakialaman. 

"Oh, no. They didn't really ask me to do this." sabi ni Natalie na nakapagpakunot
ng noo ni Alex. "Ako ang nagsabi sa kanila na iset-up ako sayo for a date. And this
isn't a blind-date actually. Alam kong ikaw ang darating." she informed casually.

Gusto niyang itanong kung bakit nito ginawa iyon, but the answer to his question
was very clear to him, kaya di na lang siya nagtanong. Tumango lang siya at
nagpatuloy kumain.

"Well, aren't you going to ask me why?" saad pa ulit ni Natalie.

"No. I won't." nakangiting sagot ni Alex. "But I'd like to know something."
"What's that?"

"Are you aware that I'm still married?"

Ngumiti ito. "Yes," at tumingin sa kanya diretso sa mata. "And I'm also aware that
you are living alone and you're trying to live like a monk." Hindi nagsalita si
Alex. Masyadong straight forward ang babaeng kaharap niya kaiba sa mga nakaharap
niya noon. "I like you. I won't deny that. At alam iyon ng mga kaibigan mo, kaya
nila ako tinulungan." Hindi ulit nagsalita si Alex. Hindi niya alam ang sasabihin.
"Don't get me wrong. Hindi ko talaga gawain ang makipag-blind date sa kung sinu-
sino. Actually, this is my first time." uminom ito ng wine at ngumiti ulit. "I
heard about your wife. It was sad and tragic. But life moves on. Kailangan mo ring
mag-move on dahil kung hindi, mapg-iiwanan ka."

Tumigil si Alex sa pagkain. Her words left a bitter taste on his tongue. She was
right. Pero lumipas ang araw, buwan, at taon... at si Faith pa rin ang laman ng
puso niya.

Hind siya gumawa ng paraan para makalimutan ito. He avoided chances to meet new
people. He narrowed his exposure to society. Mas ginusto niyang manatili sa bahay
at magtrabaho. Nilunod niya ang sarili at ang oras niya sa trabaho niya para
makalimut. That was his way to break away from the pain that was wrapped around his
heart.

But now that fate was throwing him another chance of happiness... kaya ba niyang
abutin iyon?

Maganda si Natalie. She looked almost like an angel, if truth to be told. Masayahin
at mabit. Pero palaban nga lang. It was like he was looking at someone who looks
like Faith but not exactly her. And she wanted to call him Alex. 

What if she could make his heart beat again? What if she makes him happy again?

Was that enough? 

Kaya ba niyang mabuhay na hindi si Faith ang kasama niya? Kaya niya bang maging
masaya sa piling ng ibang tao? Could he do that?

His mind nodded, but his heart coiled further away. 

He knew the answer. He could do it. But he wouldn't live happy. At hindi niya
matutupad ang pangako niya kay Faith na magiging masaya siya.

So for the seventh time this month, he broke another woman's heart.
In time, he knew his wounds would heal. In time, his heart would open up again.
Alam niya iyon. And he would wait for that time. Pero siguro hindi pa ngayon ang
araw na iyon. 

* * * * * 

"This is great, Xander. You did better than what I could've done. I'm Impressed."

Nilingon ni Alex si Emma na tumayo sa tabi niya. "You think so?"

Tumango ito at ngumiti habang nakatingin sa malaking portrait sa harapan nila. It

was Faith's portrait―'The Heart of Faith'. It was the special piece of this
exhibit. Her last work of art.

He should've done this years ago... when she was still alive... when he could still
see her eyes twinkling in merriment. 

That pain again...

It has been over a year and still, he was hurting all over again. The pain of her
death was still there.. demanding to be felt. Kahit anong gawing limot ni Alex, she
still owns his heart, a large part of it. At parang tumigil sa pagtibok ang puso
niya mula nong araw na mawala ito. Hindi na yata siya magkakaroon pa ng chansang
magmahal ng iba.

His friends encouraged him many times to meet new people for the past months and
tried to find that woman who could heal his wounded heart. Pero lagi lang silang
nadidismaya sa tuwing nababalitaan ng mga ito na umuwing luhaan ang mag nagiging
blind-date niya.    

What could he do? So far, Faith was not helping him to pick someone yet. 

Naramdaman niya ang kamay ni Emma sa braso niya. "You did the right thing, Xander.
Faith couldn't be any happier than this. At sigurado ako, kung nandito lang siya,
magtatatalon iyon sa saya at buong araw siyang nakangiti."      

Yes. That would exactly what she would do. And he could almost picture her doing
that. Kahit pa siguro milyong taon na ang lumipas, her memory would still be
burning inside his mind alive and real. 

And he could survive like that. He would survive. If that would be the only thing
that could keep her alive... even if it's only in his memory, then he would live
and survive.
"Congratulations, bro! Tagumpay ang first exhibit mo." inakbayan kaagad siya ni
Drew pagdating nito.

"May atraso ka pa sakin kaya huwag kang ngumiti diyan." siniko niya ito sa
tagiliran.

"Aw!" daing nito. "Babes, tingna mo o, sinasaktan ako ni Xander." sumbong pa nito
kay Emma.

"Iyan ang buti sayo. May pablind-blind-date pa kayong trip diyan,. Pag kayo,
minulto ni—" napatingin ito kay Alex. "Pasalamat kayo mabait ang kaibigan kong
iyon." umirap pa si Emma bago tuluyang umalis. 

"Uy, babes! Hintay naman. Honeymoon ulit tayo! Gusto mo sa under-the-sea naman?"
habol ni Drew sa asawa.

Napapangiti sabay iling na lang si Alex sa dalawa. Kahit na mag-asawa an ang mga
ito ay panay pa rin ang kulitan. Ang tatanda na, uso pa rin ang LQ sa dalawa.

Nanatili lang siya sa parteng iyon ng exhibit. Bahala na ang mga kaibigan niyang
maging host sa araw na iyon. They could show all Faith's timeless work pero dio
lang siya. Here on this spot. Ito lang naman ang gusto niyang gawin kaya niya
ginawa ang exhibit na iyon, to stand here and stare at his wife's face until the
sun's out. Hanggang sa mapagod siya sa kakatingin, hanggang sa hindi na niya
hahanap-hanapin ang hitsura nito, ang mga mata nito.. ilong.. bibig... lahat. 

Hanggang sa kaya na niyang burahin ito sa alaala niya.

"Ayun, doon tayo!" nawala sa painting ang atensyon niya dahil sa matinis na boses
na iyon. He saw bunch of kids running around the room. sabay-sabay pa silang
pumasok sa isang bahagi ng exhibit. Kaya lang may naiwang isa.

"Antayin niyo ako.." sabi ng batang mukhang nasa limang taon pa lang. Yumuko ito
para itali ang nakalas na tali ng sapatos nito. Mukha itong hirap na hirap sa
ginagawa dahil sa maliliit na kamay nito kaya nilapitan na ito ni Alex para
tulungan.

Lumuhod siya sa harap ng bata. "Here. Let me do that for you." sabi niya at siya na
ang nagtali sa nabukang terintas nito. "All done." nakangiting sabi niya at
tiningala ito. Kaya lang agad na nawala iyon at napalitan ng kunot noo nang makita
niyang hindi sa kanya nakatingin ang bata kundi sa portrait na nasa loob.

"Ang ganda niya no?" tanong ni Alex sa bata. Wala sa loob na tumango ang bata tapos
ay nilapitan iyon. Sinundan lang ito ni Alex. 
Nang makalapit sila ay bgla nitong tinaas ang maikli nitong kamay at itinuro at
portrait. "May kamukha po siya. Maganda din po. Sobra pong ganda."

Napangiti si Alex. He found this little guy amusing. "Talaga? Sino?" sakay niya
rito.

"Iyong teacher po namin. Magaling po siyang magpinta. Tinuturuan pa nga po niya

kami." sagot nong bata.

"Mico!" napatingin si Alex sa bagong dating na batang babae. Mas matanda ito ng
ilang taon sa batang lalaki na tinawag nitong Mico—na hindi man lang lumingo dahil
nasa portrait pa rin ang atensyon nito. "Bakit ka nandiyan? Diba ang sabi ni
Teacher sabay-sabay tayo?" tapos ay tiningnan siya nito ng masama. "At sabi ni
Teacher, 'Don't talk to stranger.'" bulong pa nito kay Mico na dinig na dinig naman
niya. He couldn't help but smile widely.

"Eh kasi nakita ko yung kamukha ni Teacher. Oh." tapos ay itinuro ulit nito ang
portrait ni Faith.

Umismid ang batang babae. "Hindi. Mas maganda diyan si Teacher."

Kumunot ang noo ni Alex. Sasabihin sana niyang mas maganda at walang papantay sa
ganda ng asawa niya nang biglang dumating ang iba pang mga kasamahan nila. Dinagsa
tuloy siya ng mga bata.

"Uy, uy, uy. Tingnan niyo, kamukha ni Teacher."

"Oo nga." sabay sabay na bigkas nila.

"Ang laki ng mukha ni Teacher. Mas malaki pa kesa sakin."

"Mister, mister!" nagtaas pa ng dalawang kamay ang isa sa mga ito. "Diba po
binibili ang mga iyan?" tumango si Alex. "Eh magkano po iyan? Puwede po bilhin
namin? Iyan na lang po ireregalo namin kay Teacher. Birthday po kasi niya ngayon." 

Kumunot pa lalo ang noo ni Alex kasabay nang pagsulpot ng kakaibang emosyon sa loob
niya. Wasn't that a coincidence? Pero napakarami namang commonalities ang teacher
nila at ang asawa niya. "No . It's not for sale. Pero kung gusto ninyo, ibang
painting na lang ang ibibigay ko para sa birthday ng teacher ninyo. Okay ba iyon?"
Funny, Faith and him have the same birthdate. Pero mukhang may kaparehas din pala
siya maliban sa asawa niya. 

"Opo, opo!" nagsitalunan pa ang iba sa tuwa. 

"So what's your beautiful teacher's name? Para naman maisulat ko iyong birthday
card niya kasama ang paintng."
"Si Ate Lady po."

Alex froze. "What did you say her name was again?" he wanted to make sure he was
not hearing something so dilusional. Baka nagha-hallucinate lang siya.

"Lady po. LADY." ulit ng bata kanina.

Alex felt a tug at his heart. Hindi niya maipaliwanag ang nararamdaman niya... but
he was starting to feel susupicious about something that seemed absurd and
impossible. "Nasan... nasan siya> Ang teacher ninyo?"

A child shrugged. "Nag-CR lang daw po."

Dali-daling umalis si Alex at nagsimulang halughugin ang buong lugar, looking for—
hindi niya sigurado kung ano o kung sino talaga ang hinahanap niya. Siguro nawawala
na siya sa katinuan. 

It was impossible. Nag-iisip lang siya ng kung anu-ano para lang mabigyang hustisya
ang pagkawala ni Faith. Or maybe he was giving himself a false hope. 

Huminto siya sa paglalakad.

Hindi niya dapat ito ginagawa. He should stop looking for a sign that Faith was
still alive. Bakit pa niya pinapaasa ang sarili niya? He saw it, her casket. Nandon
siya noong nilibing ito. He was there when she left him. 

Shoulder sagged, bumalik si Alex sa kinalalagyan ng portrait ni Faith. Doon na lang

siya. At least doon, hindi siya aasa.

Kaya lang, nahinto siya sa paglalakad nang makitang wala na ang mga bubuwit na
naroon—at napalitan ng isang bulto ng babae. She had her back turned to him, her
hair fell wavely down along her spine. Nahigit niya ang hininga at kasabay non ang
pagbilis ng tibok ng puso niya. Ang lakas-lakas ng tibok ng puso niya na parang
gustong kumawala sa loob ng katawan niya.

What was this? What was he seeing?

Totoo ba 'to? Nananaginip na naman ba siya? Was this anpther mirage? O talagang
nababaliw na siya?

He was afraid to take a step back, afraid that he would make a sound. Ayaw niyang
lumingon ang babaeng iyon... ayaw niyang tapusin ang sandaling iyon. He was afraid
that if she showed her face, it would turn out that she was not the woman he was
thinking she was.
Kaya lang, talagang may ibang plano ang tadhana...

"Ate Lady! Ate Lady!" dumating ang batang tinulungan niya kanina, si Mico.
Tumatakbo ito palapit sa babaeng nakatayo. He saw how she reluctantly looked away
from the portrait before she bend down to the young boy. Hindi niya nakita ang
mukha nito dahil natabunan ng mahaba nitong buhok ang mukha nito. May kung anong
sinabi ito sa bata pero hindi niya iyon narinig.

Tumango ang bata at mukhang nalungkot. Tapos ay bigla na lang itong napatingin sa
gawi niya at gumuhit ang saya sa mukha nito. "Ate Lady!" he pulled down on her
clothes. "Iyong mister po kanina, o. Siya po may-ari ng lahat dito."

That was his cue to get out from the numbness that was freezing him. Nagsimula
siyang lumapit kahit na parang tambol na ang bawat tibok ng puso niya.  

Then, just like in a movie, everything slowed down. Unti-unting lumingon ito at
unti-unti ring sumalubong sa kanya ang mukha nito. And it was just only him and her
in that room... her eyes, her nose, her lips.. her ethereal beauty that was forever
burned in his mind, in his blood, in his heart... and soul.

It was her...

"Faith..." ang tanging lumabas sa bibig niya. And then she started to smile like an
angel, lightening up his world again, making him feel alive... bringing back his
lost hope.

"Happy Birthday, Alex."

━━━━━━  « ღ » ━━━━━━

A/N: Abangan niyo po ang Epilogue ng story na ito.

Thank you sa mga sumubaybay sa story ni Faith at ni Alex. Salamat sa mga nakiiyak
kay Faith, at sa lahat ng mga taong nainis kay Savannah. Hehehe ^^v

This will be the last chapter of this story.

Comment and Vote. :) 

Mwah mwah!

XoXo,
AyamiLu ^^v

P.S. Nasa gilid lang iyong portrait ni Faith. :)

=================

Epilogue ⑴ | Her Departure

(The missing piece of Faith. Between Chapter 38: Lies and Truth and Chapter 39:
Last Farewell.) 

 ━━━━━━ « ღ » ━━━━━━

Epilogue ⑴ | Her Departure

Dalawang oras.

Dalawang oras akong naghintay at nagbaka-sakaling babalik at darating si Alex.

Ngunit walang dumating.

Dalawang oras ng naghihintay si Jed sa labas ng bahay. Dalawang oaras na ding

nakatayo ang gamit ko sa paanan ng pintuan.

Inikot ng mga mata ko ang kabuuan ng bahay. Dito. Dito sa bahay na 'to nagsimula
ang mga pangarap namin ni Alex. Mga pangarap na hindi na kailanman matutupad.

Nakakabinging katahimikan lamang ang pumapalibot sa akin habang nakatayo ako sa

baba ng hagdanan. Walang tao sa bahay. Wala si Nay Julia at si Alex.  

Hindi ko alam kung tadhana bang matatawag ito, pero parang sinasabi na rin nito na
ito ang tamang desisyon na dapat kong tahakin. Na walang pipigil sakin.

Hnmakbang na ako palapit sa pintuan, at sa bawat hakbang ko, isa-isa ko ng

hinuhubad ang bawat sulok ng ala-ala ko. Hanggang sa iisang tao na lang ang dala-
dala ko. 

"Are you sure you want to do this?" bungad ni Jed nang makapasok ako sa kotse niya.

Tumango lang saka lumunok. Ang bigat ng pakiramdam ko. Hindi.. hindi dahil labag sa
kalooban ko ang ginagawa ko. Nakakalungkot lang na hindi ako makakapagpaalam kay
Alex sa tamang paraan.  

"Faith.." simula ulit ni Jed. "I don't think this is a good idea." humarap siya
sakin at pinilit na makinig sa kanya. "Mas mabuti kung hintayin mo si Xander.
Sabihin mo sa kanya ang plano mo."

"Jed.."

"Listen to me, Faith." putol niya sakin. "For once, think about yourself. Is this
really what you want? Do you really think you will be happy if you leave him?"

Hinarap ko na siya kahit na mugtong-mugto na ang mga mata ko. Hindi ako
makapaniwala na kahit halos isang oras na akong umiyak kanina, heto't naguumpisa na
namang pumatak ang luha ko sa mata.

"Hindi iyon ang mahalaga sakin ngayon, Jed. This is not about my happiness. It was
never been about my own happiness." naramdaman ko ang pagdaan ng mainit na likido
sa pisngi ko pababa. "Ayokong maging selfish. Ayokong maging pabigat. Ayokong
tumigil ang ikot ng mundo ni Alex nang dahil sakin. Can you understand me? Hindi ko
kaya iyon." napayuko ako at pinilit na lunukin ang kumakawalang hikbi sa bibig ko.

Leaving seemed to be a habit for me. And I wonder, kelan pa kaya ako masasanay na
hindi umiyak sa tuwing ginagawa ko to.

Pero kailan nga ba ako naging masaya? Kahit naman manatili ako sa bahay na 'to,
ganon pa rin.. pareho ko lang pahihirapan ang buhay namin ni Alex. Matatali siya
sakin. Mawawalan siya ng pag-asa. 

Alam ko kung ano ang pakiramdam ng nawalan. At ayokong pagdaanan niya iyon. Suwerte
ko lang nong nawala ng sabay ang mga magulang ko dahil nandiyan siya. Pero kapag
hinayaan kong panoorin lang ako ni Alex na mamatay at mawala... ang sakit na
mararanasan niya, alam kong dadalhin niya ang bahaging iyon sa buhay niya. 

"Hindi selfish ang tawag don, Faith. Asawa ka niya. Don't you think he deserves to
know? Mas selfish itong gagawin mo." mahinahong sabi ni Jed but I could still hear
the torment behind it. 

Pinunasan ko ang basang pisngi ko bago ako tumingin sa kanya. "Kung ang kaligayahan
ko ang iisipin ko, then how about Alex's? Do you think he'll be happy seeing me
suffer? You think I'd be happy too? Kung uunahin ko ang sarili ko, you think I'd
choose to stay? Kung selfish man itong gagawin ko, mas gugustuhin kong maging
makasarili kesa makitang masaktan at maghirap ang taong mahal ko."  

Matagal na nakatitig sa akin si Jed bago siya magbuga ng hininga. "Minsan naiisip

ko kung kanino ako maaawa sa inyong dalawa." sabi niya saka pinaandar ang sasakyan.

I didn't glance back. By the time I looked at the side mirror, tanging ang light
house na lamang ang nakita ko.

* * * * * 

"Brain tumors rarely spread to other organs, but it will spread to other parts of
the brain and central nervous system. That's the case with malignant tumors."
paliwanag ni Tito Allen. I was back at the clinic. Katulad pa rin ito ng dati.
Maliit. Maputi.

It still felt the same. The feeling like this would be my dead end. 

"Now in your case, you have a benign tumor, which is noncancerous although they can
be serious and even life threatening. Depende iyan sa kinalalagyan ng tumor
cells. They remain in one place and do not usually spread but they can cause harm
by pressing on and damaging nearby areas of the brain." patuloy nito habang
nakatayo sa tabi ng higaan ko habang nanatili lang si Jed sa may pintuan.

"According to your initial lab tests, MRI and your CT scans five months ago, the
tumor cells were lodged between your retinal arteries and your brain tissue. That
was why nahirapan kaming gawin ang opersyon noon. So we had to transfer you. 

Kaya pinayuhan kitang umuwi. We had an estimate of eight months or so before the
tumor started to be erratic. That's the downside about brain tumors. They're
unreliable." sabi nito habang may inilabas na film mula sa isang malaking brown
envelope at nilapag sa kama ko.

I reached it to take a look. I'm not a doctor kaya hindi ko rin maintindihan ang
mga nasa larawan. Pero alam ko na iyon ang mga division ng scan ng ulo ko.    

"Based on your recent scan that Jed sent me, I noticed some changes." bumuntong
hininga si tito Allen. "I can't stress enough how unfortunate this was. But these
abnormal cells are aggressive compared to your last case."

Aggressive.

"They grow and multiply fast than we predicted them to be. Kaya habang lumalaki
sila, they suppress the surrounding tissues of your brain causing your headache and
vomiting, syncope or your fainting spell, and the seizure. And they also compress
your retinal arteries that cause changes in your vision. And as they continue to
grow in a fast rate of speed, eventually they will causes more damage to your brain
and sooner, your vision will be compromised."

Unti-unti kong naibaba ang hawak kong film nang hindi ko namamalayan habang
pinakikinggan ko ang sinasabi ni Tito.

"With this type of fast-growing abnormal cells, we need drugs that can slow down
their rate of growth. So for now, obserbahan na muna natin ang epekto ng gamot
hanggang tatlong araw."

"What if the drug can't slow it down, dad?" tanong ni Jed na nakalapit na pala sa
amin.

"Pag-uusapan pa namin iyan ng ibang
ni tito bago muling bumaling sakin.
radiation therapy together with the
slow it down while waiting for your
operation."
doctor na involve sa case ni Faith." sagot rito
"But most likely, you'll have to do undergo
drug to depress the tumor growth or temporarily
flight to USA. Doon natin gagawin ang

* * * * *

"What's on your mind right now?"

Napalingon ako sa likuran ko at nakita ko si Jed na nakatayo. I tapped the seat

next to me at umupo siya doon. "You can't read me now?" nanunuksong tiningnan ko
siya.

"Madali lang sakin ang basahin ka because you have a very expressive face. Pero
ngayon... I don't know why you look so happy and determined. Gusto kong isipin na
tungkol sa operation ang nakikita kong determinasyon sayo. But there's a look in
your eyes.." napailing siya. "I can't quite tame it."

I chuckled lightly. "Kung hindi ko lang alam na doctor ka, siguro pagkakamalan
kitang manghuhula." bumalik ang tingin ko sa mga batang naglalaro sa playground.
Pareho kaming nakaupo sa duyan. Doon ako madalas pumunta kapag gusto kong maaliw.
Nakalimutan ko sandali ang mga bagay-bagay kapag napapanood ko ang mga ngiti at
naririnig ko ang mga tawanan ng mga bata. Katulad ko din sila na naghahangad ng
karugtong ang buhay.

"I was just thinking about what Lara told me years ago before she passed away."
sabi ko kay Jed. "Minsan tinanong ko siya kung bakit ang ganda pa rin ng ngiti niya
sa kabila ng sakit niya. Kahit na alam niyang konting oras na lang ang natitira sa
kanya." I said kicking the ground slowly and I started to swing.

"She said she's smiling like that because she felt happy and satisfied. Kontento
siya sa buhay niya, sa naging buhay niya at sa mga taong nakilala niya. Masaya siya
dahil masuwerte siya na nakilala niya si Nathan. Ang sabi niya sakin noon na ayaw
niyang humiling ng kahit isang oars para makasama si Nathan dahil ayaw niyang
mabahiran ng lungkot ang mga masasayang alaala niya." tumigil ako sa pagsipa
hangang sa unti-unting humina ang duyan. 

"Noong una hindi ko siya naiintindihan. Pero ngayong nasa lugar ako kung nasan siya
ng mga panahong iyon, alam ko na ang ibig niyang sabihin." nilingon ko si Jed na
matamang nakikinig sakin.

"Ang totoo niyan, takot si Lara. Takot na makitang nahihirapan ang lalaking alam
niyang nagmamahal sa kanya ng higit pa sa buhay nito. Takot siyang makitang umiiyak
ito at walang magawa habang unti-unti siyang nawawala. Takot siya na makitang
nasasaktan si Nathan sa huling pagpikit ng mata niya." I blinked the tears that
were threatening to fall down and smiled. 

"Naiintindihan ko siya. Kaya gustuhin ko mang bumalik at manatili sa tabi ni Alex..

hindi ko din kaya. Kaya kahit na magalit si Alex sa akin at kahit na hindi na niya
ako patawarin.. mas pipiliin ko iyon kesa sa pahirapan siya. 

At least kahit na malayo ako sa kanya, nagagawa kong alalahanin ang mga panahong
dumaan sa buhay ko kasama siya. Sumasaya ako at napapangiti ako ng mga alaalang
iyon. At ayaw kong mawala ang mga ngiti na 'to hanggang sa huling araw ko.

Wala akong pinagsisisihan sa mga nagdaang araw na nakasama ko si Alex. Why would I?
Kung iyon na ang pinakamasayang nangyari sakin pagkatapos ng masaklap na mga
panahong pinagdaanan ko. Mga panahong nagnakaw ng kaligayahan ko, ng pag-asa't
buhay ko. Sa huli, binalik saakin lahat iyon ni Alex. 

Tama si Lara. Masasabi ko rin na 'Ah.. nasakin na ang lahat. Sino ba naman ako para
humiling pa?' Siguro lang talaga.. may dahilan ang lahat."

Naramdaman kong hinawakan ni Jed ang isang kamay ko. Paglingon ko, nakaluhod na
siya sa harap ko habang nakayuko ang ulo. I was about to reach out when I noticed
his shoulders shaking.

"It's okay." sabi ko na lang saka hinagod ang balikat niya. 

"How can you say that?" pulang-pula ang mukha niya nang tingnan niya ako, hindi ko
alam kung sa galit o kung sa pag-iyak niya. "It's not okay, Faith. So don't talk
like you're saying goodbye."

Hindi ko gustong saktan si Jed. Pero sa mga oras na iyon.. alam kong higit na
nasasaktan ko siya. At hindi ko alam kung papaano ko mapapagaan ang loob niya. Kaya
nagkasya na lang akong hawakan ang pisngi niya. "Thank you for everything, Jed. You
can stop now. Because there's nothing else for me here. I'm not giving up... I'm
just accepting the reality of my life. My fate. At sana, iyon din ang gawin mo para
sakin. Tanggapin mo din na wala ng ibang paraan."

Tinanggal nito ang kamay ko sa pisngi niya at mabilis na kinulong niya ako sa isang
yakap. Isang mahigpit na mahigpit na yakap.

"God! Sana ako na lang ang nasa kalagayan mo ngayon. Sana ako na lang ang may
sakit. Marami ang nagmamahal sayo. Marami kang maiiwan. Marami kaming malulungkot
at masasaktan." sabi niya.

"Jed, don't say that." sabi ko habang hinahagod ang likod niya. If this would make
him feel better... "Maraming tao ang umaasa sayo. So don't say that. Marami ka pang
matutulungan."
Marahan niya akong pinakawalan. He looked messy with his tears. Pero ayos lang.
Hindi naman araw-araw nakikita kong ganito siya. "I know you're laughing at me."
sabi nito sabay kunot ng noo. "Nagagawa mo pang tumawa sa ganitong sitwasyon."

"Because I know everything will be okay now." sabi ko at pinunasan ang mukha niya.

━━━━━━  « ღ » ━━━━━━

A/N:

Shout out to @iameliza22, @icantbementioned, @noaima, @missladyred who were so

supportive about this story. Thank you for your constant votes and your unwavering
support. Kahit na tapos ko na to, you still follow my other story, kaya sobrang
mahal ko kayo. :)

But of course to those who added this to their reading lists, kahit silent reader
kayo, thank you. Your reads still count for something. ^^v

Kay @sweetkiss21, thank you din sayo kasi nagustuhan mo 'to at talagang ni-

recommend mo pa sa mga friends mo. I so much love you. ^_^ So to thank you,
I dedicate this Special Chapter to you. :)

COMMENTS are highly appreciated. VOTES din. ^_^

-AyamiLu ^^v

=================

Epilogue ⑵ | In the Eyes of Jed

Epilogue ⑵ | In the Eyes of Jed

"... Happy birthday, happy birth day.. Happy birthday to you!"

The sound of applause revived me from the capturing smile of the woman standing few
meters away from me. After all these years, she still beguiled me. After all these
years...

"Yehey!! Come on, rascals, blow your candles."

Napangiti ako sa paraan ng hagikhikan ng dalawang bata nang guluhin ng Daddy nila
ang buhok ng mga ito. Faith stooped to give the twins a kiss.

Hindi ko maiwasang hindi mainggit. After all, they really looked like a happy
family.

Naramdaman ko ang isang kamay sa balikat ko. I turned to see Misha standing beside
me. Siya ang kasama kong pumunta dito sa third birthday party ng kambal nina Faith
at Xander. Isa siya sa mga katrabah ko. She's a resident doctor sa hospital. Batch
mate ko siya when I was still a med student kaya ayos lang naisama ko siya. Kilala
din naman niya si Faith.

"You look like a jealous demented nonexistent-boyfriend." Komento niya habang

nakatingin sa harap.

"Thank you."

"Still can't get over her?"

Hindi ako sumagot dahil hindi ako sigurado sa isasagot ko.

It has been forever since I fell for that woman. Kahit na nung nabalitaan kong
kinasal na siya, ganon pa rin ang nararamdaman ko sa kanya. Until now.

Pero nraramdaman ko ang unti-unting pagkawala non. Siguro, dahil sa mga nangyari
kaya mas nalaman ko na hindi na talaga masusuklian pa itong nararamdaman ko. I had
a shot of a chance before... but I ignored it. Dahil alam kong dala lang iyon ng
matinding emotion sa mga oras na iyon.

Until now, I still couldn't believe everything that has happened. Hindi pa rin ako
makapaniwala kahit na nakatayo ako rito mismo sa harap niya, nakikinig sa tawa
niya, at nakikita siya... hindi pa rin ako makapaniwala na buhay siya. Buhay si
Faith. At masaya.

Four years ago, I thought she'd be gone. She already gave up then. Tinanggap na
niya na hanggang doon na lang ang laban niya. Na doon na titigil ang iikot ang
gulong ng buhay niya.

Pero habang pinapanood ko siya, kasama ang dalawang napaka-cute at makukulit na mga
anghel sa tabi niya, malusog at makulay ang mata... napapaisip ako kung nangyari ba
talaga lahat ng mga nangyari noon. Kahit ilang beses ko siyang nakikitang ganito
kasaya, hindi parin ako makapaniwala.

I could still remember how I tried to pursue her to tell Xander about her plans and
how she strongly refused. Hindi ko siya maintindihan noon kung bakit gustong gusto
niyang umalis at iwan si Xander ng hindi nito nalalaman ang totoo tungkol sa sakit
nito. She told me she's scared, but why did she have to do it alone? Why did she
have to leave her husband when she needed him?

Remembering how she gave up...

Kahit na ilang beses na namin siyang pinilit ni Dad na ituloy ang operation, she
didn't budge. Hindi siya nagbago ng isip. Ganon siya katapang para harapin si
kamatayan.

I was getting tired of counting the days, waiting for her to say yes. Hanggang sa
inatake na naman siya ng seizure niya. That was the most frightening moment of my
life, considering that I'm a doctor. Usual na sakin ang makakita ng ganoong
scenarios sa hospital. But as I watched Faith experiencing the same act, now I
could say why family members get so panicky and terrified.

That's why I had to move fast.

Alam ko na inu-unti-unti ng lamunin ng tumor na iyon ang utak at maging ang buhay
ni Faith. It's only a matter of time. I knew not to trust a bitch living inside
your brain. Kaya kahit na isakripisyo ko ang tiwalang binigay sakin ni Faith pati
na rin ang pagkakaibigan namin, I came to Xander. Siya lang ang alam kong
makakapagpapayag kay Faith at pakikinggan niya. And I know I did the right thing.

That day when Xander came, I had a lot of expections. I know Faith would wake up.
Pero iba ang nangyari.

When I think of that day, tumatayo ang balahibo ko at hindi ko mapigilang humanga
na naman sa nakikita ko.

I remembered staying inside Faith's room hours after Xander left that night.
Hinintay ko na magising si Faith, that she would response to his voice. And yes I
did have a response—but a horrible one.

Suddenly the alarm went on. Na-realize ko na ang cardiac monitor ni Faith ang
tumutunog. I saw how her blood pressure was dropping and her heart rate. Her
breathing was getting heavier and her face became pallidly wan and her mouth
parched. I thought that was the time. Her time's up.

For the first time, I stood still. Stricken and numbed.  Parang nakalimutan ko na
isa akong doctor nong gabing iyon.

Naaalala ko pa kung pano ako muntikang mabaliw sa mga oras na iyon. I was
practically shaking her to wake her up. Dad had to put restrains on me because I
was runnging wild from fear and that overwhelming emotions. Minabuti nilang
palabasin na muna ako. So I satyed outside her room while Dad tried to resuscitate
her alive.
I waited for minutes... but those terrorizing minutes felt like years to me.

Sa loob ng mahabang minutong iyon, maraming pumasok sa isip ko. Sa mga oras na
iyon, naintindihan ko kung ano ang ibig sabihin ng mga sinabi sakin ni Faith, kung
bakit niya gustong umalis at lumayo kay Xander.

The feeling was more than hell.

And doesn't want Xander to feel that feeling, to live his life carrying it. That's
how deeply she loved him.

Naging stable na ulit ang vital signs ni Faith, but she still remained unconscious
that night. I felt like she's trying to let go of that one last string she was
clinging into that night. Yet I couldn't let her. So I decided to do what I thought
was the right thing to do.

Tinwagan ko si Dad at sinabi kong dalhin si Faith sa America.

I know kasalanan ko dahil nilabag ko ang gusto ng isang pasyente. But I wasn't her
doctor. Kaibigan niya ako. At gusto ko siyang iligtas.

But before leaving, tinupad ko ang isa sa mga hiningi sakin ni Faith bago siya
mawalan ng malay.

"... if ever I go with it, gusto kong itago niyo kay Alex. I have less than thirty
percent of surviving. And even if I survived... I'd go blind. At ayokong umasa si
Alex na may pag-asa ako. I know how it feels to have your hope crushed. I'd choose
to let him think I'm already dead than make him feel hopeless."

We flew to USA that night with the help of my dad's private jet. It was a critical
situation because we were transporting an unconscious patient at matagal pa ang
landing namin. So we had an expert medical team to assist us during the flight. We
couldn't risk Faith's health that night.

Dalwang araw pa mula nong dumating kami sa hospital kung saan nai-rekomenda ang
case ni Faith bago siya nagkamalay. And the first thing she said when she opened
her eyes made my heart levitate in air.

Pumayag siyang magpa-opera.

She had the operation done after a few days, and luckily she survived.

And at the same time, unfortunate, because she just lost her eye sight. Pero
tinanggap iyon ni Faith. Ng buo.
For months, she undergo chemotherapy and radiation therapy because the doctor said
her condition was still as stable as it should be. She had to be isolated and
quarantined for the second time. I watched as her hair started to fall out, her
body thinned, and her weight dropped. Pero sa kabila ng lahat ng iyon, hindi siya
sumuko. Hindi siya nawalan ng lakas ng loob. Lumaban siya hanggang sa huli kahit na
bulag siya at hindi nakakakita.

I really admired her during those times. She'd gone through so much. She'd suffered
so much pain. She've been through worst places and cried a millions of tears. She'd
died thousand times and yet she still she lived. When everything was lost, and
every light of hope died, she rise up.

Eight months after, umuwi kami ng Pilipinas. I thought she was excited to go back.
Makakakasama ulit niya si Xander.

Pero nagkamali ako.

She decieded to stay at the orphanage that my mom was funding. Hindi na ako
nagtanong. Knowing Faith, alam ko ang isasagot niya.

Ayaw niyang maging pabigat. Isa pa, patay na siya sa lahat.

Hinayaan ko siya. And I saw that as my window of opportunity. I thought it was my

chance. Pero pinalagpas ko. Dahil alam ko na si Xader pa rin ang laman ng puso
niya.

She stayed there for three months when suddenly one day she came back to the clinic
saying that she was experiencing the same drilling headache. Kaya nagpasya muna si
dad na manatili doon si Faith habang ino-obserbahan siya.

Dad said she was experiencing flashes. Ibig sabihin ay bumabalik ang nawalang
paningin niya. We were unsure if it was really happening Hanggang sa unti-unti nan
gang bumalik ang paningin niya.

A miracle in itself.

Sa totoo lang, naging doctor ako dahil sa daddy ko. When I was a kid, I find it
cool watching my father cure sick people, how he made them feel better. Hospitals
and clinics had been my playground. I just thought it was magic. Kaya simula non,
that has been my life goal: to be a doctor just like my dad.

In my first year of residency, my younger brother was diagnosed with leukemia. We

were a family of doctors. But ironically, my brother was not saved.

Since then, I never believed in miracles. I never saw one. Lahat para sakin, may
katumbas na scientific logic.
Until I saw Faith in the clinic years ago. I badly wanted a miracle to happen. To
save her.

That time when she regained her lost eye sight, I realized the true purpose why I
became a doctor. God wanted me to see and believe in miracle again.

And Faith was the miracle.

━━━━━━  « ღ » ━━━━━━

A/N:

Dedicated to my soul sister @pople- ^_^ Thank you so much for the gif. banner
(Media corner) and for the book cover na ginawa mo. Na-appreciate ko siya ng
sobra!! >.< I really, really love you! Mwah! :*

I hope you continue creating good stories. Godspeed!

COMMENTS and VOTES. ^_^

=================

Epilogue ⑶ | Hope, Luck & Miracle

Epilogue ⑶ | Hope, Luck & Miracle

"Pinapanood mo na naman iyan?" rinig kong reklamo agad ni Alex pag pasok pa lang
niya sa kuwarto. "Ilang beses mo ba iyan balak panoorin bago ka magsawa diyan?"
tumayo siya sa harap ko at kinintalan ng halik ang noo ko bago siya umupo sa tabi
ko.

"Hmm... amoy gatas ka." Sabi ko sabay ingos.

"Tss... try spending the whole day with those rascals and let's see how you smell."

I chuckled and hugged him back. Alam kong napagod siya sa pagbabantay sa mga bata
ng buong araw. "Mabango naman ang gatas eh." Sabi ko at inamoy-amoy pa siya sa may
dibdib.

"Patayin mo na iyan. Tulog na tayo." Sabi niya at naramdaman kong hinalikan niya
ang buhok ko. Ito talaga, di na nagsawa sa kakahalik.

"Tatapusin ko muna to." Sabi ko. I settled comfortably between his arms while
watching the 3rd birthday party of the twins. Nakakatuwang tingnan si Tita Irene
habang nakikipaglaro siya sa mga bata. Kahit papaano ay naiibsan non ang pagkawala
ni Lexie. Pinasok kasi ni Alex at Excel ang bunso nila sa rehab dahil nalaman nila
na gumagamit ito ng droga. That was why her behavior was uncontrollable. Hindi nila
alam na matagal na pala itong gumagamit. At iyon din ang rason kaya pala ito iniwan
ng boyfriend nito.

Emma and kuya Drew was there to, actually lahat ng barkada, kasama yung mg
chikiting nila. Si Emma, naka-dalawa na, sina Janna at Billy naman tatlo na. May
balak yatang habulin sina Excel.

Natutok ang video kay Savannah, kasama ang british boyfriend nitong si Dave.

"Bakit ba gustong gutso mong panoorin iyan?" singit na naman ni Alex sa panonood
ko.

"Ang cute kasi nilang panoorin." Sabi ko. Para sakin kasi, pakiramdam ko ang dami
kong na-miss nong nawala ako. Kaya sinusulit ko sa panonood.

"Alin diyan?" he asked grumpily.

"Tss.. nakita mo lang na may kasama si Savannah..." biro ko. "At saka may napansin
ako."

"Palagi ka namang may napapansin sa tuwing pinapanood mo iyan."

Hindi ko pinansin ang sinabi niya at may tinuro sa screen. "Siya." sabi ko sabay
pause. "Don't you think they look good together? Her and Jed?" excited na tanong
ko. Medyo kakaiba kasi ang aura nilang dalawa ni Jed nong pinakilala niya sakin si
Misha. Ang ganda niya para hindi mapansin ni Jed. Kahit kailan talaga ang lalaking
iyon. Seriously, he need some color in his love life.

"Are you playing cupid now?" I felt him moved and looked down at me.

Sinalubongg ko ang mata niya. "Maganda siya diba?"

"Selos ka naman." Kinurot pa niya ang tungki ng ilong ko.

Iniwas ko ang ulo ko pero nahuli pa rin niya ang ilong ko. "Tss... ikaw kaya ang
seloso sating dalawa."

"Dapat lang." hinalikan niya ako sa sintedo ko. "Hindi nila alam kung gano ako
kasuwerte ngayon."

"Nambola pa. Sige na, maghilamos ka na. Amoy na amoy gatas ka talaga." Tumayo na
siya habang natatawa.

May tama talaga itong asawa ko. Tinapos ko na lang ang panonood baka mamaya may
mapansin na naman kaong bago.

Pinatay ko na ang TV nang matapos ang video at sumampa sa kama. Maya-maya ay

naramdaman ko ng lumukso iyon at isang braso ang pumulupot sa beywang ko.

Mapansin kaya niya?

"Tulog na ba iyong mga bata?" pasimple kong tinanggala ng kamay niya at umikot
paharap sa kanya.

He sighed dramatically. "Sa awa ng Diyos, nakatulog na rin pagkatapos kong ikuwento
ang paborito nilang si Paul at Lady."

I laughed when I remember the tale of Paul and Lady. Love story namin iyon ni Alex,
minus the sad part. Iyon lagi ang kuwento ko sa kanila gabi-gabi. Napa-subo yata si
Alex sa pagkukuwento ng love story namin. "I'm sure, puro kayabangan mo na naman
ang kinuwento mo sa kanila."

"Hindi kayabangan ang tawag don, asawa ko. I was just merely telling the truth."
Niyakap niya ako at pinatong sa ulo ko ang baba niya.

"Hinay-hinay lang, mister. Baka magaya sayo ang mga panganay natin."

"Hmm... bango mo talaga."

Napapikit ako ng mata. I could get use to this... pero hinding hindi ako magsasawa.

I was about to doze off when I remembered something. "Last night, I dreamed about
it again."

"Ano bang pinapanaginipan mo? Siguro ako yan no?"

I smiled still keeping my eyes shut. "Oo. Ikaw nga iyon."

"Talaga?" I felt him shifted.

"Yes." Tumingala ako para tingnan siya saka ngumiti. "A weird one."
Napakunot-noo siya dun. "Bakit naman weird?"

Medyo nag-alinlangan pa ako. I never talked about this to anyone. Pero matagal
naman iyon.. at gusto kong sabihin to kay Alex.

Lumayo siya ng kaunti dahil siguro nakita niya ang paghihinayang ko. "You can tell
me."

"Nananaginip ako na natutulog daw ako sa isang kama." Simula ko. "I rememeber it
was my room in tito Allen's Clinic. Ang daming tubo na nakasaksak sa katawan ko. It
was like a life-outside-my-body experience. I can see myself sleeping. Tapos para
akong may hinahanap na kung ano... I walk and walk, hanggang sa nakakaaninag ako ng
isang matingkad ng ilaw. And everytime I go to look at it, naririnig ko ang boses
mo. It was like you're talking to me... telling me to stay. You're even crying."

Tumitig lang siya sakin. "That's all?"

Tumango ako. "Pagkatapos non, nagigising ako."

He looked thoughtful. "Kelan iyan nagsimula?"

"Before I did the operation." Naaalala ko pa na nagising ako non, nalaman ko na

lang na nasa US na pala ako. "Actually iyon ang rason kaya ako pumayag na magpa-
opera." I confessed. It was a sore topic for me. Pero nang dahil kay Alex,
tinutulungan niya akong maging komportable sa bagay na nangyari noon.

"I'm glad you did." He said and hugged me again.

I was also glad I did it. That dream was so vivid. Iniisip ko tuloy kung totoo
iyon. Lahat ng sinabi ni Alex sa panaginip na iyon... pinanghawakan ko habang
nagpapagaling ako. Di bali ng mabulag ako.

Kaya sa pangalawang buhay na ito, I will spend every minute loving this man and our
children. Hindi ko sasayangin ang bawat oras, ang bawat minuto o segundo.  

"I love you." I whispered. Naramdaman ko ang paghigpit ng yakap niya at ang
paghalik niya ulit sa ulo ko.

"Mahal na mahal din kita, Faith." Emotions made his voice gruff.  "I can't even
remember how I lived in those days believing that you don't exist anymore." Maya-
maya ay naramdaman kong tinaas niya ang kamay niya sa ilalim ng baba ko at itinaas
ang ulo ko. Sadness and regret touched his eyes. "I'm sorry I wasn't there."

Umiling ako. Hindi siya dapat humihingi ng tawad dahil hindi rin niya gusto ang
nangyari. "It's all in the past now, Alex. All we had to do now is to be reminded
how lucky we are right now because of all what happened. Ang mahalaga, magkasama
tayo ngayon, may pamilya, at malusog tayong lahat."

"Well, you better be."

Tapos ay bigla niya alng akoong hinawakan sa beywang at kiniliti iyon. Napaigtad
ako sa gulat.

"Tama na!" sigaw ko habang pigil pigil ang tawa ko. "Alex!!"  saway ko pa dahil mas
lalo lang niyang diniinan ang mga kiliti niya sa beywang ko. "Magigising ang mga
bata." Tawa ako ng tawa at mukhang natutuwa pa siya sa ginagawa niya kasi tawa din
siya ng tawa.

"Let's make a junior number two." Biglang sabi niya.

Pareho kaming natigilan. "Anong number two?" sabi ko. Diba dapat number three iyon?

Ngumiti siya. "I think it's high time na bigyan sila ng batang kapatid. Sa tingin
mo? Three years old na sina Hope at Lucky." Sabi niya sabay halik sakin. "Gusto ko
ulit kambal."

"Asa ka! Ang hirap kayang umire!"

"Ako naman ang mag-aalaga sa kanila."

"Talaga? Promise mo yan ha?"

Lumawak ang ngisi niya. "Oo ba. Game ka na?"

I was sorry to ruin his anticipation kaya lang may isa pa akong surprisa sa kanya.
I grabbed one of his hand and laid it on my stomach. Tiningnan niya ako ng may
pagtataka. "Andiyan na si Junior eh." Sagot ko sa piping tanong niya.

Namilog ang mga mata niya sabay bukas ng bibig niya. "You mean..."

Tumango ako at ngumiti sa kanya.

And then, his voice erupted and rang around the house, waking the children up.
Tuloy, napuyat kaming dalawa sa pagbabasa ng kuwento tungkol kina Paul at Lady.

* * * * *
If you were to choose... how will you spend your last few hours?

Would you live happily to the fullest...?

Or with regret...?

Nagsimula ang kuwento ko sa tanong na iyan. Siguro nga hindi naiintindihan ng ibang
tao ang naging desisyon ko noon. Everyone has their own mind, their own person, and
their own reasons.

Ako, mahalaga sakin ang kaiyahan ng taong mahal ko Nang sa ganon, kapag umalis na
ako, wala akong pagsisisihan.

I believe that God holds our past, presnt, and our future. That everything happens
for a reason. At naniniwala ako na isa sa mga dahilan kaya dumaan ako sa matinding
pagsubok na iyon sa buhay ko ay upang matutunan ko kung paano magmahal ng higit sa
sarili ko, to be selfless, and to put trust and lay everything before God.

This was not really about fairy tale.

This was my story...

Of Love,

Hope,

And Faith.

━━━━━ « The End » ━━━━━

A/N: Thank you for reading! 

COMMENTS and VOTES loves.

^_^

=================

ღ Thank you for Reading! ღ

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"When life leaves you high and dry

I'll be at your door tonightIf you need help, if you need help.I'll shut down the
city lights,I'll lie, cheat, I'll beg and bribeTo make you well, to make you well.

When enemies are at your doorI'll carry you away from warIf you need help, if you
need help.Your hope dangling by a stringI'll share in your sufferingTo make you
well, to make you well.

Give me reasons to believeThat you would do the same for me.

And I would do it for you, for you.Baby, I'm not moving onI'll love you long after
you're gone.

For you, for you.You will never sleep alone.I'll love you long after you're goneAnd
long after you're gone, gone, gone.

When you fall like a statueI'm gon' be there to catch youPut you on your feet, you
on your feet.And if your well is emptyNot a thing will prevent me.Tell me what you
need, what do you need?

I surrender honestly.You've always done the same for me.

So I would do it for you, for you.Baby, I'm not moving on,I'll love you long after
you're gone.For you, for you.You will never sleep alone.I'll love you long after
you're goneAnd long after you're gone, gone, gone.

You're my back bone.You're my cornerstone.You're my crutch when my legs stop

moving.You're my head start.You're my rugged heart.You're the pulse that I've
always needed.

Like a drum, baby, don't stop beating.Like a drum, baby, don't stop beating.Like a
drum, baby, don't stop beating.

Like a drum my heart never stops beating...For you, for you.

Baby, I'm not moving on.I'll love you long after you're gone.For you, for you.You
will never sleep alone.I'll love you long after you're gone.For you, for you.

Baby, I'm not moving on.I'll love you long after you're gone.For you, for you.You
will never sleep alone.I'll love you long, long after you're gone.

Like a drum, baby, don't stop beating.Like a drum, baby, don't stop beating.Like a
drum, baby, don't stop beating.Like a drum my heart never stops beating for you. 
And long after you're gone, gone, gone.I'll love you long after you're gone, gone,
gone.

―Gone, gone, gone Lyrics by Phillip Phillips

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Copyright © 2014 by Ayamiℒu

All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof may not be reproduced in any
written, electronic, recording, or photocopying or used in any manner
whatsoever without the express written permission of the author.

All the characters in this story have no existence whatsoever outside the
imagination of the author, and have no relation to anyone having the same name or
names. All the incidents are merely invention.