Anna Cairns

Jul 31, 2018

Stop “Should”ing on Me

— and I’ll stop “Should”ing on You

Photo by Ian Espinosa on Unsplash

“Words have energy and power with the

ability to help, to heal, to hinder, to hurt, to
harm, to humiliate, and to humble.” — 
Yehuda Berg
The world is full of people giving advice. Some solicited and some not.

Sometimes the advice is extremely valuable and sometimes it’s only relatively
valuable — relative to some and not to others, or relatable to some and not
others. Whatever it is, we have the choice to accept or to reject it — or do we?

The question is whether every person makes his or her own decisions based on
their personal choice or whether someone else’s choice supersedes them?

Most people would say they make their own choices, independently and without
interference. They are their own person.

I am sincerely happy for them because these people often become my role
models. I actually study their behaviour so that I have a base; a positive, healthy
attitude to draw on in situations as I go through life. Unfortunately, I find that they
are not the larger part of the population — at least in my world.

I was “should” on for so long that functioning without someone “should”ing on me

was and sometimes still is, difficult, at best.

In my world, it was control and manipulation deeply drummed into the psyche
over the course of the developmental years that served to deeply impair the
ability to act with free will. Behaviourial changes to put the needs, desires and
whims of others far above any personal needs were expected and demanded. It
was continuous reward for compliance and punishment for individuality. The end
result was that even when control was absent the ability to act was impaired. The
truth was, I was essentially brainwashed.

“Everyone thinks of changing the world, but

nobody thinks of changing himself.” — Leo
Tolstoy — Three Methods of Reform
When I finally accepted the truth, I set about to recreate myself and my
personality.

Role Models Make a Difference

Years ago I worked in an office building that employed a maintenance man. He
seemed like a nice man; always friendly, helpful and ready to chat.

One day the maintenance man was fired. There was talk he was responsible for
the recent string of thefts. Several of my co-workers put together a petition to
have the man reinstated because he was such a nice man.

I was asked to circulate the petition and did too until 1 of my co-workers refused
to sign. I asked why. He said it was because he didn’t have enough information.
He did not know what the building owners knew and it was entirely possible the
man did what he was accused of. My co-worker made a valid point! None of us
knew the truth. This type of reason was beyond me at that time. However, it was
logical and made sense. I removed my name from the petition and stopped
circulating it until more facts came to light.

The situation taught me to check my facts and not blindly accept information
based on hearsay or emotion. It was a valuable behaviour to add to my
personality and something that I’ve held to as much as possible.

I should also say that I remember a day when the maintenance man was in my
workspace. My suit jacket was draped over the back of chair. I don’t remember
what he said he was fixing but later that day I realized I had lost the small gold
and diamond brooch that was pinned to my jacket. In hindsight, the maintenance
man had likely stolen the pin, however, I never put the 2 together until my co-
worker unintentionally shifted my viewpoint.

With the help of chosen role models it’s possible to recreate and repair the
psyche so the ability to draw strength from the personality can be realized, but it
is tough.

When we choose role models that mirror

the behaviours and attitudes we admire and
hold dear we can stabilize our personality.
In addition to role models, there are numerous ways to regain personality. One in
particular, stood out as a cornerstone on which to rebuild my own personality and
strength.

Remove the “Should” from life

“You can choose from phantom fears 
And kindness that can kill 
I will choose a path that’s clear 
I will choose free will” — Freewill by Rush

Most human beings would like to believe that they’re in control and that nobody
has the right to tell them what to do. This isn’t always the case.

We’re constantly being controlled and manipulated. If you don’t believe me, try
this: don’t wear your seatbelt and drive past a cop at high speed, waving a beer
bottle as you go. What do you think will happen?

We can do very little about the rules and laws that govern us. But, we can stop
the additional manipulation, control and punishment cycle that is placed on us
from others who have no right to do so.

We can change ourselves at our cores. Just by replacing 1 negative word with a
positive one, new opportunities now present themselves continuously.

“Words change your DNA sequences by

recreating your future and creating quantum
possibilities that allow you to take control of
your destiny.” — Dr. Yvonne Oswald, Every
Word Has Power.
Taking the “should” out of my vocabulary, and substituting a positive attitude
such as , “choose”, has improved the quality of my life and my psyche.

It’s hard work but with patience and persistence my personality develops. It
might take till I die but someday, the kind of thinking that allows me to
reason and be stable will come. I will be my own person, all the time.

In Closing

Words not only have energy and power, they have substance and weight.
Sometimes that substance is clean and pure, bathing a person with softness and
light. Sometimes that substance is sticky like tar, weighing a person down so it is
difficult to move or do much of anything at all.

Recognizing this then adapting the vocabulary can improve quality of life.
One of the best things that can be done is to remove the “should”er from our
lives, but if that’s not possible, at the very least, we can stop allowing others to
“should” on us.