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Ethan Deep

Professor Madden

ENGL 1201

15 July 2021

Children of Divorce

Divorce is no easy subject. It is an unplanned occurrence in a family’s life that drastically

effects all members in one way or another. Often, children are the ones most affected by this due

to the parents living in different homes. Split parenting time can put added stress on the children

as well especially if one parent has more or full custody. According to a 1991 study on children

of divorced, “about 40% of U.S. children will witness the breakups of their parents’ marriages

before they reach 18” (Cherlin et al. 1). Cherlin performed his own reliable study and was able to

obtain this data intended for a U.S. audience. This trauma at such an early age can lead to these

children having trouble with human interaction. That then poses a question. Why are children of

divorced parents more likely to have relationship issues?

One of the biggest factors that can lead children of divorce to have relationship issues is

low trust. Trust is something that is earned not given. A child models their parents growing up

and seeing distrust in that relationship does not boat well for that child in their future intimate

relationships. Seeing as how their parents could not trust each other, it is difficult for that child to

grow up and trust people in intimate relationships. A referenced study in Marripedia, which

provides data pooled from reliable sources, found this to be true and stated, “individuals whose

parents divorced were more likely than individuals whose parents remained married to believe

that relationships were beset by infidelity and the absence of trust” (Weigel 48). This creates a
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fear in children of divorce. They fear being unwanted which prohibits them from trusting people.

This lack of trust prevents any intimate relationship they have from developing into a real, deep

connection. Growing up children need a strong relationship to model after. Warren Bowles found

this to be the case in his reliable study, “children who were younger at the time of their parents’

divorce… were more likely to score lower on measurements of trust and to have high marital

conflict themselves Childhood is a key developmental period, thus when parents divorce early in

a child’s life the child is likely to miss out on important development models” (3). Without a

strong model, the child may come to think that relationships are built on distrust and skepticism.

A child’s brain is still developing at this age, and it naturally develops this thought process due to

their parents’ failed relationship. Children can also lose trust in their parents through this time.

“Trust can be broken at the beginning of divorce when attachment between parents is lost due to

circumstances. The loss of trust in their parents may make the individual trust their partners less

or other relational partners less” (Nelson 20). The context for those circumstances can be a lot of

things including a singular parent having full custody or another parent having to work more due

to lower income. Children of divorce can lose trust in their parents due to parents essentially

making them choose one parent’s side over the other. They can also lose trust for their future

intimate relationships by watching their parents’ relationship fail.

Another factor that causes children of divorce to struggle in relationships is the poor

attitude towards marriage and positive attitude towards divorce. A child that sees their parents

get a divorce is more likely to assume that marriages do not work and ultimately will end in

divorce. A study in Marripedia figured this out and said, “This negative attitude about marriage

leads to decreased commitment to romantic relationships, which in turn is related to lower

relationship quality” (2). Children of divorce grow up thinking marriage is a bad thing after the
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divorce happens. Thus, they tend to like more casual relationship. This nonchalant connection

allows them to not worry about forming deep connections which could lead to marriage. These

people find it easier to voice when they are unhappy in a relationship. The reason a casual

relationship works better for them is because they do not have to put in much effort and thus

remain happy. These individuals have come to terms with the belief they hold that their marriage

would end in a divorce just like their parents. They have essentially accepted divorce as

something more natural than marriage itself. Laura Nelson found this to be true, “individuals

from divorced families are going to be more open to the idea of it when they report being

unhappy in their relationships” (20). To provide context, the reporting is being done by the

person to their spouse at first, but to others eventually. The children of divorce have already seen

and lived the divorce of their parents. They have accepted divorce as something natural that is no

big deal when most people hold marriage sacred and believe divorce is a big deal. The children

of divorce, however, are the exact opposite. Since they like a more casual relationship, if they are

married, they are okay with getting divorce if they are the slightest bit unhappy. This is because

growing up, divorce was an accepted thing for these kids. Overall, the poor attitude that these

children of divorce show towards marriage often leads to marital and relationship issues.

Commitment goes hand and hand with the poor attitude these children of divorce exhibit.

As stated before, children of divorce like more casual relationships due to their negative attitude

towards marriage. Marripedia states, “This negative attitude about marriage leads to decreased

commitment to romantic relationships, which in turn is related to lower relationship quality” (1).

Due to the children growing up with their parents unable to stay committed to each other, it is

harder for them to stay in a committed relationship. These kids grow up not thinking marriage is

a lifelong commitment. Children essentially believe that they will just end up getting divorced if
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they get married due to their traumatic experience living through their parents’ divorce. Sarah

Epstein describes this in her theory about confidence and commitment. “Children observing and

experiencing their parents’ divorce leads to a reduced commitment to the institution of marriage

and lower confidence in the ability of marriages to remain intact long-term” (2). Her purpose

here is to bring to light the real commitment issues that these children of divorce have from

watching a failure at a committed relationship. Another way of saying this is that these children

of divorce feel a lack of love. They get neglected by their parents at point during the divorce.

This leads them to struggle later in life with relationships. They feel that people do not love them

and that they could never be good enough.

Communication is key to any relationship, but children of divorce seem to struggle with

it. Growing up they do not have a good model of what communication should be in a

relationship. Conflict among parents that is not managed well is seen by these children who them

become more likely to repeat those actions in future relationships. Many children of divorce

develop a fear then from this, which has been found by Marripedia. “One study of adolescents

after a parental divorce reported that many children fear that their future marriages will lack love,

trust, or communication, and that they will be beset by infidelity, conflict, or abuse” (3). This

fear often leads to become reality. A lot of people around the world look up to someone and want

to act like them. If it is a positive model, then it will lead to positive behaviors from them most

likely. However, if the only model a person has is poor, then will normally lead to negative

consequences down the line. Sarah Epstein found this in her study, “…children of divorce are

more likely to divorce themselves, because they did not get to watch their parents model healthy

relationship skills, things like open communication, negotiation skills, and compromise” (1).

Great marriages have great communication. Couples are able to express what they want freely.
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However, children of divorce have an innate fear of sharing their feelings or other things due to a

fear of divorce.

One of the most common misconceptions surrounding children of divorce is that the

children do not get hurt. When parents argue and do not show good relationship characteristics it

often spills over on the children. During the divorce process children are sometimes neglected

and lack emotional support. Their parents are getting divorced, and they need to go through the

grieving process. However, when they are forced to go back and forth between parent’s houses,

that can often be difficult. There are many possible answers to the question presented. Children

of divorce could have relationship issues because of low trust, poor attitudes towards marriages

and positive to divorce, commitment issues, and communication issues. All of these issues stem

from not having a good model of a relationship in the children’s parents getting a divorce.
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Works Cited

Bowles, Warren. “Effects of Parental Divorce on Adult Relationships.” McKendree University, vol. 1,

no. 6, 2003, https://www.mckendree.edu/academics/scholars/issue6/bowles.htm.

Cherlin, Andrew J., et al. "Longitudinal studies on effects of divorce on children in Great Britain and the

United States." Science, vol. 252, no. 5011, 1991, p. 1386+. Gale In Context: Opposing

Viewpoints, link.gale.com/apps/doc/A10927367/OVIC?u=dayt30401&sid=bookmark-

OVIC&xid=d3d8ce9f. Accessed 13 July 2021.

Effects of Divorce on Children's Future Relationships. Marripedia, 2006,

http://marripedia.org/effect_of_divorce_on_children_s_future_relationships#:~:text=Worse

%20still%2C%20couples%20with%20both,spouses%20from%20non%2Ddivorced

%20families.&text=The%20risk%20of%20divorce%20in,for%20daughters%20of%20intact

%20marriages. Accessed on 10 July 2021.

Epstein, Sarah. If My Parents Are Divorced, Is My Marriage Doomed to Fail? Psychology Today, 5

February 2019. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/between-the-generations/201902/if-

my-parents-are-divorced-is-my-marriage-doomed-fail#:~:text=The%20statistics%20vary%2C

%20but%20one,divorce%20increased%20by%20189%20percent. Accessed on 10 July 2021.

Nelson, Laura. “A Review of Literature on the Impact of Parental Divorce on Relationships in

Adolescents.” University of Wisconsin, vol. 1, 2009.

http://www2.uwstout.edu/content/lib/thesis/2009/2009nelsonl.pdf.