I don’t know why I am doing what I am doing. Maybe, I feel lost in the middle of nowhere.

It has
been a long road so far. Looking back, it surprises me for the fact that I have been through a lot of things.
Every child is not born with ambition or wishes; however, they all want to be attached at least to
someone. They never ask to be in the hands of good caretakers because they can’t even differentiate good
from bad living condition. And, I am no different from those children.
Opening my eyes to absorb the surroundings, I knew I was going to be different. Not that I want
to, but it was what I came for. Violence and arguments were parts of my childhood. The first chapter of
my life was already crumped. I never demanded for the sweetest family on earth, but not the one with the
man as an alcoholic and the woman as a gambler. Think I blamed them for this? Absolutely not. My
blame was only for people with humanistic features, not for those animalistic. Day to day. It was getting
worse and worse. The nighttime, when everyone was supposed to be in a peaceful state, I found myself
awake to the sound of someone crashing things in the house. Why didn’t I find it surprising? I was used
to it. Whether it was in the morning, afternoon, evening, or at night, peace was just too embarrassed to
wander near me. I remember the saying of not staying in the darkness. For me, I always reminded myself
to not stay in the light. I didn’t want to be seen by that man b’cuz I knew what would happen once I was
spotted. The dark room was just my permanent shelter at night to avoid the commotion out there. I was
told by my aunt not to look at what was happening, but I was too stubborn to think straight. I peeped
through the curtain and saw every single detail. I opened my eyes to see things flying around and crashed
against the sidewall. I listened to the sound of people screaming and cursing. I breathed the scent of
alcohol mixed with vomit. It was just like keeping to the update of new episode every single day. Just that
this drama was made of same scenes from day to day. Luckily, it didn’t last long. The enduring fight
between a gambling woman and an alcoholic man was over because they decided to part. I was just an 8-
year-old girl. The scene in front of my eyes just confused me even further instead of clearing things up.
There were many people in my house that day. They talked about stuffs that I couldn’t make sense of.
There were papers scattered on the floor. Some people tensed, some confused, some furious, some numb,
some too silent, and one was playing with a teddy bear because she hadn’t the foggiest idea about what
was happening. For a while, they left. For other children, they would think it was a curse to have the
divorced parents. For me, it was just a blessing. No more fighting. No more arguments. No more violence.
No more darkness. I could feel the light at the end of the tunnel. I was happy to know that man was
leaving to somewhere away from me. I was even hopeful to know that from that day on, I would live with
my family, not the new one though. That woman was still in my house that day. I never expected to see
the new her, but having her as a member of my family didn’t bother me because for me, she was just a
stranger. The happiest moment didn’t last long either. The morning after was just another story….
Everyone in my family was going to and fro, my grandma sitting with wide eyes, my older aunt
shouting from the top of her lungs, my younger aunt descending the stairs without her shoes, my cousin
stumbling in the middle of the house, my brother sleeping soundly, but there should be two more
members. That woman and my sister. They were nowhere to be seen. Before I knew what I was doing, I
was told that the woman left. If it were just the leave, I would be more than happy. However, fate was
always joking with me. My sister was taken away with. My younger aunt came back with a sour face, and
I knew what was behind that. She failed to catch up with them. Silence. Everything was so silent. There
was no winning or losing. That woman didn’t win because she chose to escape from the reality. She didn’t
lose either because at least she was not going to dive through life tunnel alone. She used someone, and
that someone was her own youngest daughter, to be her companion while the fact was she also knew that
she was destroying her own daughter gradually. We didn’t lose because finally, we were to live without
that creature wandering around and causing devastating damages. We didn’t win because we knew that
with the youngest and most innocent member taken from us, our lives would be different. Everything
turned upside down. It could be good. It could be the worst.
 It was horrible. Since then, we had had to live apart from one another. To be specific, from my
youngest sister. Day and night, year to year, there was no sight of them. It was pathetic to say that we felt
hopeless sometimes, but not to the point that we gave up on praying and hoping that she was doing well.
Time passed by quickly. I and my brother had grown up under the broken shelter supported by my three
heroines. We were living under the canopy of shame made by those two creatures. We were walking
together on the bumpy road without any railings to cling on once we were about to fall. We still kept
going, anyway. Looking at us, people would think that we were waiting for the falling. People cursed
under their breath because they thought that we were just too stupid to take this risk. I knew that I was
just different from other. Not that I did the comparing with other kids, but it automatically popped in
front of me. The view was clear that I was with others while the fact was I was too far away from them. I
was just a quiet child, spending time alone rather than with others. I didn’t know much back then about
discrimination. And, I believe that I was not discriminative at that time. I was just………I felt different. I
felt isolated. I felt warm only when I stayed with my family. People there and then were always asking
about the disappearance of the two creatures. Same questions were thrown at me from time to time. I
knew maybe because I was the oldest among the three, that was why they thought I knew better. It was
not that simple. Sometimes, people asked because they had their expected answers. They just wanted to
confirm whether they could use them against us.
3 years later
It went by so quickly. We still kept praying for my little sister. For my younger aunt, It seemed as
if there were something telling her that there was still hope. The words sent to the sky, the chanting
echoing through the air. We inhaled the hope and exhaled the faith. A miracle did present itself one
night. There was a voice, similar to a child shrieking out there. We rushed to the door and saw that
woman with a grinning girl clinging to her. But, Holy crap! She was pregnant? That creature was
pregnant? It seemed unreal. While we were walking through the torturing, jumping over the small and
big rocks along the way, crawling to find the way out of poverty, she was that quick to move on? That girl
walked slowly. I knew from the first glance that she barely recognized everyone in the family. It was fine.
At least, she came here unharmed, alive. It was not that difficult to find out that creature had been in a
relationship with another man, resulting in her being pregnant. I didn’t find it all surprising at all to see
how charming she was. Not that she was charming, but she knew how to be one. Honestly, I felt restless
because I couldn’t stand seeing her here. I didn’t want to do. Pathetically, I ended up throwing all the
tantrum to my little sister. I didn’t cause any unwanted things, just told my brother to tease her and
make her cry. But, I stopped once I saw the way she communicated with us.
…………….
Tuesday 08, 10,2018
It was late in the afternoon that beautiful moments in the morning, when we (except my younger
auntie and my brother) went to WK pagoda to celebrate Pchum Ben day, turned into a blur. I never
thought I was addicted to writing because I had always hated such a thing, but at this moment, only this
could help. My brother was repeatedly doing the same thing without ever thinking about other people’s
feeling, his family. I always restrained myself from hating, holding grudge on people. But, his actions
pushed me too far until I found every single detail about him suffocating. I was disappointed that I could
do nothing to change the situation. At least, I tried. For multiple times, I failed miserably. Today, I
admitted that I hate him. I hate the way he treated his own family, the people who have always been
there for him while others have been trying to crack the wall built by these people. I have never been
hesitant to give him what he wants. I just want to make sure that he is treated the way other kids are
treated by their siblings. I just want him to see that there is always light at the end of the tunnel. He has
always been the one who turns left and right, and ignored the fact that there is the light ahead. I know
money is just a simple concept for me. It is something that can be earned. I am just a 22-year-old girl. A
road is far ahead of me, and I know it is not too late for me to work more, to earn as much as I try. At the
other side of the coin, beloved people are not always permanent in my life. I just wanna make sure that
they are happy the way I want them to be. As long as everyone in my family is doing well, physically,
mentally, and emotionally; as long as I am strong enough to move on, shouldering the responsibility of
helping my family is truthfully welcomed in this chapter of my life. But……..It was something that has
been keeping me restless these days. He keeps torturing everyone in the family. People can no longer
walk hand in hand if they have different ideas towards the word RESPECT. He is nearly 20 this year. I
don’t expect him to be as mature as he is supposed to be. Look at him right now!!! I understand that his
testerone makes him beat the steam off of himself. I always try to tell myself this and that just to ignore
the fact that he is turning to the unfamiliar road. I am angry not because he doesn’t see the gratitude in
him to me, but I am because he is turning his back from what built him to be a today him. He lets his
friends control him because he doesn’t know who he is. I know it keeps happening. I know since long time
ago, but I always keep my mouth shut. Not that I turn my back to what is happening with my family, but
I know spilling it out will cause another stress in my family. I know my older and my younger aunts love
him to the moon and back. They love him to the point that I can relate their love to the quote “Love is
blind.”. They see his mistakes; they are hurt; they cry; however, they just keep waiting because for them
there is always hope. They hope that they can change him gradually. They smile once they see a tiny
effect from their love on him. They overlook small mistakes because they hope that the big one will be
learned from him some day. Yeah……It’s someday. The day ahead, speaking of him, the future is a new
concept for me. I never hope in changing him. Yes, I did months ago. I gave up though. Giving up is only
for weak people. I hate it, but what he has been doing crazed me, and confirmed that hope is just a
foreign concept to me. Observing my aunts, my inside stirred many times because knowing what to speak
out and try to act like nothing is happening kill me. My younger aunt always speaks up for him, praises
him for his good deeds, and blames others because she just doesn’t want to accept that her nephew is
doing something bad. I am not jealous to see this since I know everything stems from love. Sometimes, it
is too much. He doesn’t even accept the fact that he is just an orphan, having a life similar to the one on
the lotus leaf. Her love for him can cover his lies, his cheats, his bad deeds, his everything that ruins the
whole family. Back at him, what he is trying to do is to find the way to tear off this thick layer. No one
helps if he himself doesn’t even try to make a move. When there are people dropping by, the questions
about his disappearance are always thrown here and there. To help clean off the dirt left by two
creatures, my aunts tried to find things to say to cover up while they know what they are doing. Again,
what he is doing is to make his way to these people and prove them wrong. It keeps going. This afternoon
confirmed everything for the hundredth time. It started when my sister was eager to learn how to ride
the bike. And, the volcano exploded once he declined. Helping to ease the burden in the family gave him
headache. But, why giving this burden to his sister also gave him a headache? Why couldn’t he see it? It
confirmed the fact that he always values his friendship on the top of everything. For him, friends make
him alive. I could also conclude that his behavior was unspeakable when he sang crazily and rinsed the
water violently just to shut off the noises from the living space guiding him to find the light. After like
hours of a lifetime, lecturing him, cursing him, he still tried to get out of the house. Bang!!! He failed this
time after receiving the threat that he would have to deal with the law. I was surprised to hear it from my
older aunt’s mouth. I thought that this time was different. This time was when everyone saw through
everything. Maybe I was wrong again. After minutes later, it was getting quiet. A few comments were
added…..just to soften the blow. My family never failed to surprise me.
It is always a bumpy road. I know that. My life is. 24 hours is too short for people who are having
fun today. I could also say it is short because there is not much to do. I could also say it is long because it
is. Today is a long day for me again. Every day is. I have been through an emotional fluctuation. From
other people’s perspectives, it may be a simply boring life I am living. Appearance always amazes people
by proving that what they see is what they do not always understand. Boring is the opposite of the word
INTERESTING. So, I don’t think I am living a boring life. It is interesting enough for me because each
minute goes by with different occurrences. Each minute teaches me that life is a very long journey. Once
I turn back to pore over what I have been through, I will miss what is waiting for me ahead. Once I walk
too fast, I will miss the view along the way. Once I stop and stand the ground, the road will be getting
worse. I never know what is at the end of the road, but I just know that I keep walking and going through
things thrown at me. Interestingly, both good and bad things.
………………..
If ppl asked me if I loved writing, I would found it difficult to give them a proper answer. LOVE is
a beautiful concept. The two sides are always there to clear the doubts and chase away the
misunderstandings. They fight for the rest of their lives. But, they always go back to learn from every
single mistake. It’s the bond between two people when they are committed enuff to forgive, unite and
cooperate. Look at my face now!! It’s filled with guilt. The guilt of using the skill that bearing people
knowledge to accompany me when I feel my soul shattered. It’s been a while. Life has always kept me
running to and from. Life has pushed me to become someone I find it hard to put my finger on. Living a
busy life is a norm for everyone. No one wants to be an outsider. We are striving to meet the standards.
From birth to death, our job is to meet the requirements. We rush to get to the point. We run because
people surrounding you are always in a hurry. We try to be trendy because we see old-fashioned stuff
scattered around. We push ourselves too hard and forget to ask for the wellbeing of our souls. We try
hard and never question what is going on around us. Taking a short break to reflect on the life we are
having is not as suffocating as going on nonstop. Old saying claimed that enduring with bad things will
bring blessings afterwards. I would like to start with the horrifying stuff first. I don’t say I am a good
person because I always try to make friends with flaws. But, believe me!! I have always tried my best. It
is one thing I am always concerned about. My laziness. Everyone is lazy, but I just wanna be unique. I
have promised with myself and my family for a hundredth time, but I failed to keep the promise. This
time, I hope, is different. It’s no use living under pressure, ppl confidently said. For me, having something
to pressure my life is quite eye-opening. I’m not promoting this and that because I know different people
define life in different ways. This challenge gives my life something new every day. Laziness widens its
eyes in fear because it knows it will have to go away from my life soon.