A DEAD HAND

A Dark-Comedy
INT. COFFIN
Buried underground, RANDALL BROWNING lays dead inside. He
opens his eyes.
RANDALL
Hi. I’m Randall Browning, and yes,
I’m dead. You’re probably wondering
how I ended up here.
(lights a cigarette)
It all started one night while me
and my buddies Jacob and Gary were
playing our weekly poker game.
Jacob’s a blockhead self-employed
drug dealer, and Gary’s a crazy exmilitary
veteran. Anyway, the
beginning of the end started that
fateful night during our poker game
at Jacob’s house...
INT. JACOB’S HOUSE - LIVING-ROOM - NIGHT
A pair of hands hold a royal flush while heavy metal MUSIC
plays on the radio.
Randall holds the flush hand. JACOB SMOTH and GARY EMERSON
sit at a table with him playing poker and drinking beer.
RANDALL
Whatcha got, Jacob?
JACOB
A dead hand. I fold.
RANDALL
How ‘bout you, Gary?
GARY
A dead hand as well.
RANDALL
Well, I’ve got, a royal flush!
(laughs)
He slaps his cards on the table.
GARY
You’ve dealt and won three hands in
a row, Randall! You’re fixing the
deck, aren't you?
RANDALL
You can deal the next hand if it
makes you feel any better.
JACOB
Let’s take a break and order some
food. I got the munchies.
RANDALL
I’ll call in a delivery.
He gets up and goes into the kitchen to do so.
GARY
What a cheater.
JACOB
You’re paranoid.
GARY
I am not.
(leans in closer, quieter)
He’ll do it again. Just you
watch...
The MUSIC on the radio stops for an announcement--
RADIO ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
This just in. The Greenwood Slasher
has struck again...
GARY
He killed my mom’s, cousin’s, son,
who I went to preschool with! If I
ever get my hands on that guy..!
RADIO ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Police now believe the Slasher is
posing as a pizza delivery man,
which explains why there were no
signs of forced entry at the
residence where the homicides
occurred. We’ll keep you updated on
this story as we learn more.
The radio goes back to playing MUSIC.
JACOB
Funny, I thought it woulda been a
Wall-Mart employee.
Randall comes back in from the kitchen.
2.
RANDALL
All right, foods a comin’.
JACOB
What did you order?
RANDALL
Pizza. With everything but hotpeppers
and mushrooms. They gimme
gas.
Jacob and Gary stand up.
GARY
What did you just say?
RANDALL
They gimme gas--
GARY
Not that! The pizza! We heard on
the radio the Greenwood Slasher’s a
pizza delivery man!
RANDALL
That don’t mean nothing. There’s a
dozen pizza men in this town.
JACOB
Oh, shit! There’s more than one
killer!
GARY
I’ll be right back.
He storms out the front door.
RANDALL
What’s up with him?
JACOB
Something ‘bout the killer killing
some preschooler he use to play
with.
Randal is not sure what to make of that.
JACOB
If the pizza man is the killer and
he does show up here, we should be
glad to have crazy Gary around.
3.
RANDALL
What about the condition of your
house?
JACOB
My house? My house is fine...
(thinks)
My house!
Gary storms back in pumping a shotgun.
JACOB
Gary, this is my parents house and
I wont let you demolish it.
GARY
Your parents are dead, Jacob.
JACOB
Then, it’s my house and I wont let
you demolish it.
RANDALL
What’s all this about?
GARY
Revenge!
A KNOCK on the front door startles them, and Gary blasts a
hole through the door with the shotgun.
JACOB
What the fuck, man! My door!
RANDALL
Fuck your door! Whose outside?
JACOB
Whose outside?!
They slowly go to the door, and through the hole, see a set
of shoes twitching on the porch.
GARY
I got the bastard!
RANDALL
He’s still alive.
GARY
Lemme finish him.
RANDALL
No!
4.
Jacob’s hand opens the door, it is a DRUGGY, shot in the
chest with his blood everywhere.
JACOB
It’s my drug runner.
DRUGGY
Sorry it was late, dude...
He gives Jacob a duffle bag and dies. Randall franticly
closes the front door.
RANDALL
Gary, you, fool, you killed the
wrong man!
GARY
How was I to know?
Jacob opens the duffle bag which contains plastic wrapped
kilos of cocaine. He takes a knife out of his pocket and
samples it.
JACOB
Yummy! I’ve been waiting for this.
He puts the knife back in his pocket.
RANDALL
What the fuck are we gonna do about
this? We’re going to jail! To jail!
GARY
Relax. All we hafta do is bury the
body. No one’s gonna miss him, he’s
just a druggy.
RANDALL
We need to call the police.
GARY
No cops!
JACOB
Whose gonna dig the grave and clean
that mess up? Gary’s the one who
decorated my porch with drug
runner, so I say he should do it.
RANDALL
This is wrong, we need to call the
police--
5.
GARY
You call the cops and I’ll bury you
next to this guy!
JACOB
(pointing)
Look, there’s some more drug runner
inside the house too. See a droplet
here, and there, there too, never
mind, that’s salsa. I think...
INT. COFFIN
On Randall.
RANDALL
Now this shoulda been the part
where I headed for the hills. And
even though it seemed like Gary was
off track, I felt like I had an
obligation to stick around and help
my buddies...
EXT. BACKYARD - NIGHT
Gary whistles while digging a grave with the tarp covered
dead body nearby. Randall comes up with two beers and gives
Gary one.
RANDALL
Here you go.
He sits on the ledge of the hole and Gary sits on the body.
GARY
How deep does this hole hafta be?
RANDALL
Standard depth is six feet, but I
think we can get by with three.
GARY
I sure made a mess of this guy,
huh?
(laughs)
He ran his last drug!
RANDALL
(feeling bad)
I suppose he did...
6.
GARY
And when I find the Greenwood
Slasher, I’m gonna do worse to him
then I did to this guy!
(punches the body)
Or you, if you cross me!
RANDALL
I don’t agree with this, but you
are my buddy and I got your back.
GARY
Good to hear it, buddy.
RANDALL
Well, I’m going inside to check on
Jacob.
GARY
Yeah, you do that.
INT. LIVING-ROOM - NIGHT
Jacob sits on the couch watching TV. Randall sets his beer on
the poker table and sits next to him.
RANDALL
I’m worried about our friend
Frankenstein out there.
JACOB
(fixed on the TV)
Uh, huh...
RANDALL
Would you look at me, Jacob?
JACOB
What? I’m watching my second
favorite show.
RANDALL
I’m trying to tell you I think
Gary’s losing it.
JACOB
He’s fine. He just made a mistake,
that’s all. I wont tell, you wont
tell, and he sure as hell ain’t
gonna tell. So chill out, and watch
my second favorite show with me.
7.
There’s a KNOCK on the front door. Jacob and Randall jump to
their feet, frozen. There’s another KNOCK.
JACOB
Who is it?
PIZZA DUDE (O.S.)
Pizza delivery.
RANDALL
Shit! The pizza’s here!
JACOB
Good timing too, I’m hungry.
RANDALL
There’s still blood all over the
front porch!
JACOB
Talk to Gary ‘bout that one.
RANDALL
Oh, shit Gary! He thinks the pizza
man’s the Slasher! If he finds out
he’s here...
PIZZA DUDE (O.S.)
Should I just hand it to you
through the big hole in your door?
RANDALL
Pay the man and get him outta here!
Jacob opens the front door, it is the PIZZA DUDE.
PIZZA DUDE
That’s twenty-two-fifty.
(glancing around)
So you’re painting, huh? Red’s a
good color.
JACOB
Uh, yeah. How much again?
PIZZA DUDE
Twenty-two-fifty.
JACOB
Wow, prices have gone up.
PIZZA DUDE
Hey, it ain’t my fault, man.
8.
Gary runs up the porch from the side of the house and grabs
the Pizza Dude from behind.
PIZZA DUDE
I said it ain't my fault! It ain’t
my fault!
RANDALL
What the fuck are you doing, Gary?
Gary brings the Pizza Dude inside, knocks him unconscious to
the floor, and slams the front door shut.
GARY
We got’em!
RANDALL
Got’em? Got’em for what? This is
kidnapping!
JACOB
Hello! There’s still drug runner
blood on my porch. Clean up one
mess before you make another.
GARY
First I wanna interrogate Mr. Pizza
Man here and find out if he’s the
Greenwood Slasher.
(murder in his eyes)
Get a chair and some rope!
INT. LIVING-ROOM - NIGHT
The Pizza Dude opens his eyes to see Randall, Jacob and Gary
standing in front of him.
GARY
You killed my mom’s, cousin’s, son,
who I went to preschool with! You,
slime!
The Pizza Dude is gaged at the mouth and tied to a chair.
RANDALL
We don’t know if he is who we think
he is.
(to the Pizza Dude)
Are you who we think you are?
The Pizza Dude confusingly shakes his head.
9.
GARY
I don’t believe him. He’s lying!
JACOB
You brought him in here to ask him
some questions, so go ahead and ask
him some questions so I can go
watch my first favorite show.
RANDALL
I thought you were watching your
second favorite show?
JACOB
That’s over now. It’s time for my
first favorite show to start, so
get on with the interrogation.
Gary gets in the Pizza Dude’s face.
GARY
Are you the Greenwood Slasher?!
The Pizza Dude fearfully shakes his head.
GARY
Are you?! Answer me!
The Pizza Dude shakes his head while muffling words through
the gag.
GARY
Oh, so you’re a fuckin’ mute, huh?!
(to Jacob and Randal)
He ain’t talking. I say we cut him
up like he did Manny.
RANDALL
Whose Manny?
GARY
My mom’s, cousin’s, son, who I went
to preschool with! Haven't you guys
been paying attention?
He goes into the kitchen. Jacob and Randall curiously look at
each other. Gary comes back in with a chain saw.
JACOB
That looks familiar.
RANDALL
Where did you get that?
10.
GARY
The tool shed out back.
JACOB
That’s why it looks familiar.
GARY
Now, let’s see if he talks!
He revs the chain saw up and gets in the teary eyed Pizza
Dude’s face.
GARY
You’re gonna talk to me! Talk to
me!
The Pizza Dude struggles to free himself.
GARY
Talk to me before I turn you into a
banana split!
RANDALL
Gary, let’s not go too far now.
GARY
He’s gonna talk to me!!!
He hoists the chain saw in the air, and the blade accidently
cuts the chandelier from the ceiling, and it smashes onto the
TV.
Jacob yelps and leaps for his TV, bumping into Gary who loses
control of the chain saw and slices the top of the Pizza
Dude’s head in two while blood sprays everywhere.
RANDALL
Jesus fuckin’ Christ!
GARY
If he was the Greenwood Slasher, he
ain’t no more.
Jacob mourns his TV.
JACOB
Now I can’t watch my first and
second favorite shows! And look at
this place, the inside now looks
like the outside!
GARY
Shut the fuck up, Jacob! You bumped
into me!
11.
RANDALL
You were just suppose to scare him!
JACOB
He looked pretty scared to me.
GARY
It was an accident. I’ll just bury
the body and be done with it.
RANDALL
Bury the body? We hafta report this
or we’re no better than the Slasher
himself.
GARY
(holding up the chain saw)
Are you gonna cross me, Randall?!
RANDALL
No... of course not...
INT. COFFIN
On Randall.
RANDALL
So Gary accidently killed the pizza
man. I mean, who hasn’t made that
mistake before? Shit happens,
right? Who am I kidding... I
shoulda got the hell outta there,
but peer pressure, and a really
huge fucking chain saw had me by
the balls...
EXT. BACKYARD - NIGHT
Gary whistles while digging a second grave with both tarp
covered dead bodies nearby. He takes a swig of his beer,
which is on a body, and goes back to digging.
INT. LIVING-ROOM
The radio plays psychedelic MUSIC. Jacob tries to fix his TV
while Randall paces back and forth in frustration.
RANDALL
This is nuts. Gary’s lost it. We
might hafta take him out ourselves
if this gets any worse!
12.
JACOB
What? That’s crazy. We’re friends,
and friends don’t take friends out,
except maybe to the bar.
The MUSIC on the radio stops for an announcement--
RADIO ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
We interrupt this music for a
special update. The Greenwood
Slasher who police recently
believed is posing as a pizza
delivery man, is in fact not a
pizza delivery man after all.
This gets Randall and Jacob’s attention.
RADIO ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
New evidence now suggests the
Slasher is posing as an insurance
salesman instead. We’ll keep you
updated as we learn more.
The radio goes back to playing MUSIC.
RANDALL
Do you know what this means?
JACOB
Before he kills you he sells you
life insurance so your family will
be taken care of. What a nice
afterthought.
RANDALL
The pizza man being buried in your
backyard was innocent.
Gary comes in from out back.
GARY
What’s going on here? You guys
plotting against me or something?
RANDALL
We just heard on the radio the
Slasher’s not a pizza man.
GARY
He’s not.
RANDALL
He’s an insurance salesman.
13.
There’s a KNOCK on the front door.
JACOB
Who is it?
OFFICER WINTERS (O.S.)
Police.
Jacob darts off into the hallway.
RANDALL
Jacob, where you going? Jacob?
GARY
You called the cops!
RANDALL
It wasn’t me, I swear! You stall
him and I’ll get Jacob.
He trots off into the hallway to do so.
Gary opens the front door, it is OFFICER WINTERS.
OFFICER WINTERS
Are you Jacob Smoth?
GARY
Nope...
OFFICER WINTERS
Do you know where he is?
GARY
Yep...
INT. BATHROOM
Jacob pours a kilo of cocaine into the already overflowing
toilet with the wrappings on the floor. Randall trots in.
RANDALL
What the hell are you doing?
JACOB
Flushing my stash!
RANDALL
We’ve got a cop out front whose
gonna notice your newly decorated
porch, and you’re worried about
drugs!
14.
JACOB
That mess ain’t my fault. Gary’s
suppose to clean it up. Remember?
RANDALL
Let’s go!
He grabs Jacob’s arm and pulls him along.
INT. LIVING-ROOM
Gary stands at the front door with Officer Winters.
OFFICER WINTERS
Can you go get Jacob Smoth for me?
GARY
Nope...
Randall and Jacob hustle out of the hallway.
OFFICER WINTERS
Are either one of you Jacob Smoth?
RANDALL AND JACOB
No. / Yes.
RANDALL
I mean, he is.
OFFICER WINTERS
Your neighbor called in a report of
a gunshot being fired. Do you know
anything about that?
RANDALL
It’s news to me.
JACOB
Actually, it was the TV, that’s why
we smashed it...
The broken TV is next to the shattered chandelier.
JACOB
With the chandelier, ‘cause it was
making too much noise...
OFFICER WINTERS
Then how do you explain this big
hole in your door?
15.
RANDALL
Oh, that. That’s a doggie door, a
big, giant doggie door.
JACOB
For my pet lion, yeah, that’s the
ticket.
OFFICER WINTERS
What about this red stuff on your
porch that looks like blood--
GARY
Fuck this!
He puts Officer Winters in a headlock, brings him inside, and
kicks the front door shut.
RANDALL
Gary, stop! No more!
JACOB
I told him to clean the mess up.
GARY
We hafta kill’em or he’ll bring
more of his little piggy buddies
here! I ain’t going back to prison!
OFFICER WINTERS
(chocking)
I’m just doing my job, gimme a
brake...
Gary snaps Officer Winters neck and drops him to the floor.
GARY
I ain’t going back to prison!
RANDALL
You’ve gone to far! They’re gonna
give us the electric chair for
this!
Gary takes Officer Winters’ revolver from the holster and
tucks it in his waistband.
JACOB
I prefer a hangin’, old west style.
GARY
No ones gonna find out ‘cause no
one’s gonna talk. Right?!
16.
RANDALL
And what about the next cop that
comes by? You can’t kill everyone
who pokes their nose around here.
Gary’s look says he can.
RANDALL
Oh, my God! We’re in hell!
GARY
Let’s bury this guy so we can plan
our next move.
JACOB
Yeah, like cleaning this place up.
It’s a mess.
RANDALL
No way. I ain’t burying no body of
nobody.
JACOB
(laughing)
No body of nobody! Get it?
GARY
You’ve got spine! I’ve been doing
all the killing and grave digging
so far! Putting in all the work
while you two sit back and do
nothing!
JACOB
You’re right. I’ll kill the next
guy to even things up.
RANDALL
You will not.
JACOB
Then you get the next guy, and I’ll
get the one after that.
RANDALL
There ain’t no next one-- that’s
it! This is where I draw the line!
I’m outta here!
He starts to leave and Gary blocks his way.
GARY
You’re gonna stay here and help us
dig some fucking graves!
17.
RANDALL
No. Gary, I hafta be at work in the
morning and I’m going--
GARY
DIG SOME FUCKIN’ GRAVES!!!
INT. COFFIN
On Randall.
RANDALL
Gary killed a cop! Who does that?
I’ll tell you who, Gary, that’s
who. And whose next? When will he
stop? If he stops. The only reason
I stuck around was because...
(whimpering)
I feared for my life...
EXT. BACKYARD - NIGHT
Randall, Jacob and Gary dig a third grave with the three tarp
covered dead bodies nearby.
JACOB
Do you think we should mark the
graves with crosses?
RANDALL
What sense does that make? We’re
suppose to be hiding the bodies.
GARY
Shut your holes and keep digging!
INT. LIVING-ROOM - NIGHT
Gary sets the shotgun on the poker table, and he, Randall and
Jacob sit-down.
RANDALL
Holes are dug, now all we hafta do
is bury the bodies and we can go
home.
18.
GARY
No one’s going anywhere. The
Greenwood Slasher’s still on the
loose and it’s only a matter of
time before he comes strolling
through here.
RANDALL
Everything’s been blown way outta
proportion. We need to give up and
tell the authorities what's
happened before things get worse.
Gary stands up.
GARY
You probably did call that cop you,
rat bastard!
(to Jacob)
I think we got a traitor in the
house.
JACOB
Who Randall? He’s our friend. You
know, he tried to convince me to
help him take you out earlier, but
I said no ‘cause we’re all friends.
GARY
What?!
He picks Randall up out of the chair and gets in his face.
Jacob stands up.
GARY
You wanna take me out!
RANDALL
I was just thinking out loud,
that’s all...
He head bunts Gary who screams and drops Randall.
RANDALL
See ya!
He turns for the front door and smacks into the wall, birds
chirp as he falls dizzy to the floor. Gary grabs the shotgun.
GARY
Ran-doll, you, little wimp!
He takes the revolver from his waistband and tosses it to
Jacob.
19.
GARY
Kill him!
JACOB
Who me?
GARY
No, the other you! Yeah, you! You
said you wanted to get the next
one, so here he is!
JACOB
I meant the next one, like not one
of us kinda the next one.
GARY
Oh, so we have two traitors amongst
us. Benedict Arnold, and Judas.
JACOB
That’s not fair...
GARY
You better make your choice, Jacob.
You’re either with me, or Ran-doll.
JACOB
Lemme think...
(points)
Look, it’s Jose Canseco!
GARY
Canseco!
He turns to see he has been fooled. Jacob unloads the
revolver at Gary and misses, hitting the wall behind him.
Gary glances back to see where the bullets hit and the last
shot if fired, hitting the wall in the spot where his head
was just at.
Jacob keeps on pulling the trigger, click, it’s out.
JACOB
My wall!
(fidgety laugh)
I was just messing with you, I
meant to miss...
He bolts for the front door. Gary raises the shotgun, takes
aim, and blasts Jacob in the back as he falls through the
hole in the door and out onto the porch.
20.
GARY
They don’t call me one shot Gary
Emerson for nothing!
(laughs)
RANDALL
Oh, my-- you shot Jacob!
GARY
Yeah. And you’re next!
RANDALL
Wait... if you kill me then you’ll
hafta dig two more holes by
yourself.
GARY
Shit. You’re right. Okay. After you
dig two more holes, then you’re
next!
EXT. BACKYARD - NIGHT
Randall digs grave number five with the four tarp covered
dead bodies nearby. Gary stands there with the shotgun.
GARY
I didn't want this, but you gave me
no choice with your betrayal.
RANDALL
You’re killing innocent people.
GARY
No! I’m trying to nail the
Greenwood Slasher. These people are
just casualties. Acceptable loss.
RANDALL
You need help, Gary.
GARY
I’ve tried therapy. It only reminds
me of shit.
Randall stops digging.
RANDALL
I’m tired. Can we trade up? I’ll
hold you hostage and you shovel.
GARY
All right.
21.
Randall climes out of the hole and trades Gary the shovel for
the shotgun. Gary jumps in the hole and starts to dig.
GARY
Wait a minute...
Randall is pointing the shotgun at Gary.
RANDALL
Okay, Gary, enough’s, enough. I’m
going home. I wont call the police
as long as I never see you again.
Do we agree?
GARY
You think you got me over a barrel,
don’t you?
RANDALL
I have the gun and you don’t.
GARY
You have an empty gun.
RANDALL
Why would you hold me hostage with
an empty gun?
GARY
To getcha to dig graves. I was
gonna kill you with this shovel.
He swings the shovel and takes Randall’s legs out from under
him. Gary climbs out of the hole and kicks Randall into the
hole.
GARY
Looks like you were the one who was
dealt a dead hand this time!
(laughs)
Randall can barely see Jacob’s knife sticking out of his
pocket through an open spot in the tarp.
GARY
Any last words before you meet your
maker?
RANDALL
Actually I do have a few--
GARY
Too bad!
22.
He raises the shovel to bash. Randall grabs Jacob’s knife and
throws it at Gary, hitting him in the chest. He drops the
shovel and collapses to his back, dying.
GARY
Damn! You got me...
Randall climbs out of the hole and holds Gary to comfort him.
GARY
I’m dying...
RANDALL
I know, I killed you.
GARY
I just wanted to find Manny’s
killer, that’s all.
RANDALL
He was your cousin’s, mother’s,
son, who you went to preschool
with.
GARY
No, no. He was my mom’s, cousin’s,
son. Which reminds me, tell mom bye
for me.
RANDALL
You got it.
GARY
And feed my dog?
RANDALL
No problem. And if you see Elvis,
tell him I said, “he is king”.
Gary’s face goes blank, seeing beyond this life.
GARY
I-- I see something...
RANDALL
Is it a white light?
GARY
Never mind, I don’t see nothing...
He exhales his last breath and dies.
23.
RANDALL (V.O.)
I had done it. I had survived poker
night. Now all I had to do was bury
the bodies, clean up the house, and
I could go home.
INT. LIVING-ROOM - NIGHT
Randall opens the front door, and is startled by the top of a
hat, coming from a nicely dressed MYSTERIOUS MAN.
MYSTERIOUS MAN
Good evening.
RANDALL
You scared the life outta me.
MYSTERIOUS MAN
Sorry, but that’s what I do. I sell
life insurance, it tends to put
people on edge.
RANDALL
No one here needs life insurance.
At least not anymore.
MYSTERIOUS MAN
You sure, death could come a
knockin’ at anytime.
RANDALL
I’m sure. Goodbye.
He hurries passed the Mysterious Man and out the front door
to--
EXT. FRONT PORCH
Randall makes his way down the steps, and then it hits him.
RANDALL
Life insurance salesman..?
And before he can turn around, the Mysterious Man comes up
from behind with a knife to slash Randall’s throat just
before the final--
FADE OUT.
24.