Transforming Arguments - Sam & Daryl: Film Transcript

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Transforming arguments – Sam & Daryl

Film Transcript
Tony Anthony Robbins

CM Cloe Madanes
Sam
Darryl
Freddie
Audience
CM: Intimate relationships give us the greatest joy but can also give us the greatest pain. This
film is about one of the most important components of relationships – trust – and how creating
trust can transform every relationship. It is also about how to face our deepest fears, tap into
our inner strength and bring to our partners what they need most.
Trust is formed not during easy times but in defining moments of difficulty and stress when our
loyalties, our priorities and our commitment come into question. When you can create trust in
these moments, the relationship will grow and flourish. When during these moments, you fail to
increase trust, you will have difficulty making progress.
This film will give you clear, effective principles for building trust even when trust has been lost
for a long time. You will witness one couple that was able to overcome years of accumulated
anger and distrust and find a new vision for living, loving and growing together.
We begin with Anthony Robbins speaking at a conference in the Gold Coast of Australia. An
Australian woman, Samantha, stands up to ask a question. In the recent past, she and her
husband have been going days at a time without speaking. At this point, they had already told
their four children about their plans to divorce.
Sam: How am I meant to be true to myself and do what I want to do and pursue things that I
want to do and need to do for myself if I have four children that rely on me and a controlling
husband?
Tony: I see. Now, how do you define controlling?
Sam: Did that hurt?
Tony: Oh, that was very warm. [Laughs] When you turned around and went "Did that hurt?"
and looked at him like that, which one of the six needs were you pursuing?
Sam: Number three: Significance.
Tony: Yes, thank you. Give her a hand for that honesty. That is very nice.
[Applause]
File: Transforming arguments Page- 1 -

CM: According to human needs psychology we are all driven by the need to fulfill six basic
human needs. These are not just desires or wants but profound needs which serve as the basis
of every choice we make.
The first need is for certainty that we can be comfortable, a secure environment, consistency in
our relationships. Once we have met our basic need for certainty however, our second need is
for uncertainty, for variety and the challenges which will exercise our emotional and physical
range. The third need is for significance. Every person needs to feel important, needed, wanted
and worthy of love. The fourth need is for the experience of love and connection. Everyone
needs connection with other human beings and everyone strives for and hopes for love.
The fifth need is for growth. When we stop growing, we die. We need to constantly develop
emotionally, intellectually and spiritually. The sixth need is for contribution, to go beyond our
own needs and give to others.
These six needs can be met in positive ways which lead to pleasure, or negative ways which lead
to pain. Whenever people continually experience pain and failure, it is because instead of
looking for a genuine solution, they are settling for meeting their needs in a low quality way.
For instance, it is possible to meet one’s needs for significance and certainty in a proactive way
by making changes in your life. However, it is possible to meet your needs for significance and
certainty in a reactive way by holding on to problems that never get solved.
For instance you have the certainty that your problems will be there always and you have the
significance of having major problems. When you get too accustomed to your problems, you
stop making progress in your life and in your relationship. From Samantha’s very first words,
we know that she is angry and frustrated about her marriage and family situation. Clearly she
lost trust in her husband some time ago.
Tony: What other need were you pursuing and fulfilling in that moment? [She rubs her eyes
and sits back down] Stand up. You stood up for a reason. It is time to handle this. Come on
stand up.
[Applause]
Tony: What’s your first name again?
Sam: Sam.
Tony: Sam? Sam, did you ever have a nickname that wasn't a male name?
Sam: No.
Tony: Can I call you Sammy?
Sam: [shaking her head] No.
[audience laughing]
Tony: Do you have a middle name?
Sam: Judy.

Tony: I am going to call you Judy. Who are you closer to? Your mother or your father? I know
you love them both I am sure but…
Sam: No, it would be my mother.
Tony: Tell me about your mother.
Sam: [almost crying] I don't want to.
Tony: That’s why you need to hide. Do you want to be free or do you want to stay enslaved?
Because right now it is not hard, how many see her enslaved to something? I think everybody
here admires your courage but your courage will only work if you keep it. You just can't have
courage for a moment. And I know you are a courageous woman or you wouldn't raise your
hand in the first place because you knew what would happen before you raise your hand.
Sam: No, I don't.
Tony: Oh, yes, you do.
Sam: It was a long question. He didn't do a long question. He just answered.
Tony: But there is a reason you raised your hand. It was beyond what you…
Sam: Because I was pissed off with what you were saying.
Tony: Yeah, which part pissed you off the most?
Sam: That things can change in a heartbeat.
Tony: Yeah, I know. Why did that piss you off? Because they happened for you?
Sam: No.
Tony: Then why would that piss you off?
Sam: No, because it hasn't. It doesn't.
Tony: It doesn't or it hasn't?
Sam: It doesn't.
Tony: How do you know? If you haven't done it yet, how do you know that it doesn't? How do
you know that it just hasn't since you haven't done it yet?
Sam: Because I tried for the past six weeks.
Tony: Yes, what were you trying? Trying something with Daryl, I assume it has to do with
Daryl. Is that right?
Sam: Yeah.
Tony: Is that his name?

CM: When you are unhappy with your relationship, it is essential that you clarify exactly what
you want to experience with your partner. When Samantha says that her husband doesn’t
change, she is disempowering herself because she is making their problem seem impossible to
change. In order to become effective in her relationship, she needs to stop her habit of helpless
frustration and to become curious about how she could create change in her life. Now Tony will
help her to interrupt her pattern of frustration and helplessness.
Tony: Why did you try? By the way, trying never works does it?
Sam: No.
Tony: So you knew that before you started that it wouldn't work as long as you tried. Because if
I ask you to try to pick up that chair, go ahead try to pick it up. The chair you were sitting in.
Try to pick it up.
Sam: Pick it up?
Tony: I said try to pick it up. No, you picked it up. I said try to pick it up. You asked me should
I pick it up or should I try? I said you should try to pick it up. No, now you are not picking it up.
You either pick it up or you don't or you try.
Sam: I had been trying. I had been following through.
Tony: I know. Try to pick up the chair. Please I am asking you honestly. Try to pick up the
chair.
Sam: I did.
Tony: No, you picked it up.
Sam: Oh, for [0.08.54.6] sake.
[audience laughing]
Tony: Try to pick it up.
Sam: What do you mean?
Tony: What is that? Now, you are not picking it up. I said try to pick it up. Yes, try to pick it
up.
CM: So far Samantha has been hesitating about whether or not she wanted to engage with Tony.
She stood up, then she sat down. She answered a question about her mother but she didn’t want
to talk about her. She said she tried to change her life and then she said that change is
impossible. As long as she continues to vacillate, she is not allowing Tony to help her because at
any point, she can just back out. For Tony to make progress with her, she needs to stop
hesitating and to commit to specific results with her husband. The exercise with the chair puts
Tony in charge of her inability to take decisive action.
Tony: No, you are not picking it up. I said try to pick it up.
Sam: I did.

Tony: No, you picked it up. I am asking you to try to pick it up so we can see what we did with
your husband. Try to pick it up. Okay. Good just stay there. Keep trying. No, no, no. You are
not picking it up. Try to pick it up. That is it. Keep trying. No, don't pick it up. No, you are
now picking it up. Try to pick it up. Do what you have been doing with your husband and let us
see if we can figure out why it is not working. Just stay there and keep trying. How many weeks
did you do this for? No, now you are not picking it up. Keep trying. Try to pick it up. Are you
trying? I don't see you trying. I see you not picking it up.
Sam: This has nothing to do with what I have been doing.
Tony: Really? Do it again. Let’s see. Who sees that this is exactly what she has been doing?
Keep your eyes on around her.
Sam: You are just agreeing with him.
Tony: Oh, yeah, they are just agreeing with me. Go ahead. Try to pick it up. And while you are
trying to pick it up, tell me about your mother.
Sam: No, I don't want to. I choose not to.
Tony: Okay. So if you want to stay enslaved that’s okay with me. Don't let go of the chair.
What you did just now is what you have been doing with your husband. You don't do it and you
don’t not do it. You put out effort.
Sam: You’ve got no idea.
Tony: I know because of what you told me. You told me you tried. I know what try is in the
human nervous system. It is a justification to try to justify that we really did do our part and we
didn't fail because we didn't do what was necessary or fearful. It is because the thing just didn't
come together. And you are not committed to connecting to your husband. You’re committed
to being right.
Sam: That is [0.11.36.2].
Tony: Oh, great. Then turn around and face me and tell me about your mother. Are you liking
holding on to the chair? Is this angle of your back comfortable? If it is, it is okay with me. But
how many guys are going "I feel for Daryl?" [hands in audience go up] To me guys, you
shouldn’t have that. You should think "This is a worthy woman." With all that energy inside of
her, imagine what you can unleash in this woman.
CM: Tony knows that Samantha’s level of anger and frustration comes from a deep hurt and
that the hurt comes from a loss of love, connection and trust. He is now taking that anger and
loss and redefining it as a problem that can be solved right now. By redefining Sam’s anger and
frustration as an attractive emotional energy that just needs to be channeled into love and
passion, Tony gives both Sam and her husband something to look forward to.
Now take a moment to ask yourself: When do you feel frustrated in your relationship? Often
the qualities in our partner that we find frustrating are the same qualities that are attractive to
us. What would happen if next time you started to feel frustrated, you experienced it as passion
and curiosity instead? How would your partner respond?
Tony: Because with this kind of fire, it was properly channeled, holy. And the only reason she is
this intense is because she feels so deeply and she is hurting so bad so she tries to cover it up.
She feels so insecure, so insignificant, so uncertain and so fearful that as a survival technique,
her entire life, she has been Sam. She does what guys do. Don't communicate, shut down, be
angry and make somebody else wrong.
CM: Tony is not only speaking to Samantha but he is also engaging her husband who is present
in the room.
Tony: Well even a man could tell me about his mother and women can do it easily. Children
can do it with no effort whatsoever. You said you loved her or did I mishear you?
Sam: I don't know if I do. She has only been in my life for a year.
Tony: Did she abandon you at birth where you are adopted?
Sam: No, she left when I was twelve.
Tony: Okay. Did you know her? Were you living with her up until twelve?
Sam: Yeah.
Tony: Okay. So you knew her then but you don't know her as an adult? You knew her as a child
but not as an adult?
Sam: I don't have any memory past before I was sixteen.
Tony: Okay.
Sam: Of Mom.
Tony: Of your Mom. Okay, that is her.
Sam: Can I let go of the chair now?
Tony: Yes, absolutely. I actually asked you earlier but you are concentrating very hard and I
understand that. I know I am a guy and that is probably not the right package for you right now
but I am going to request if I am going to go forward with you just one thing to be fair for both of
us. Will you stop trying? And what I mean by that so I am being very clear is you didn't do it or
you do it. You don’t try to do it because I know you more powerful than that. I also know your
level of hurt and frustration and sadness is huge and I really honor you for the level of honesty.
You snapped at him not because you don't love him. You snapped at him because you feel hurt
by him. And you feel insignificant in his mind and you feel uncertain about what is happening
and you really have tried. I do believe you tried for these weeks you were talking about and
probably before that to be fair to you. I bet you tried.
Sam: Sixteen years.
Tony: Sixteen years. But you are trying to get what or experience what is the thing I am not
clear about and I hear the frustration you have that you raised your children. That sounds like
he doesn't participate at the level you wish he would. Is that true?
Sam: Yes.

Tony: And it sounds like you have a lot of hurt which you converted to anger to protect yourself
about your Mom leaving at twelve. Because you weren't as close to your father as your mother
and the person closer to you left is that true?
Sam: I don't know. I don’t—I don't really remember.
Tony: You don't remember. Okay. Are you close to your father I guess is what I am asking?
Sam: No.
Tony: No. Do you love your father?
Sam: No.
Tony: Okay. Do you hate your father?
Sam: Yes.
Tony: Did he rape you?
Sam: Yes.
Tony: Okay. And now how many times?
Sam: I got pregnant by him when I was fifteen.
Tony: Okay. And so the anger and rage in you will be very understandable and the first thing I
want to say to you is I’d [0.16.22.9] kill him if I could and I know who is your father and your
mother wasn't there to protect you and you don't have memories probably because there are
probably some experiences that probably aren’t worth remembering.
Sam: I don't know.
Tony: And so now your relationship with the man who did not rape you I don’t think.
Sam: No.
Tony: In fact my bet is that he really loved you and that is why he connected with you but he is
clueless with what to do with all this anger in you and he is probably scared [0.16.55.5]. So what
he probably does is meet your anger with anger or just shut down one of the two is my bet or he
tries to please you so much so you don't respect him. That will be the other option. Which one
does he do? Probably not the pleasing one.
Sam: No, he shuts up.
Tony: Yeah. So then you feel even more alone?
Sam: Yes, because he don't talk.
Tony: Yeah, so now you have no one to communicate what you have been through.
Sam: I don't want to talk about it.

Tony: So you will not…
Sam: I mean I don't – I don't want to sit and discuss with that. I mean it is gone.
Tony: No, I understand. But he doesn't understand. I mean he understands intellectually I am

sure he is not stupid. Why you would be angry? I mean he had been angry, he wants to kill
someone and why you could snap him to it because where anger comes from is feeling like love
was taken from you unfairly, consistently.
CM: Tony now understands why Sam is so hurt and doesn’t have trust. Love was taken away
from her by her mother who abandoned her and by her father who raped her. The parents’
betrayal made it difficult for Samantha to trust anyone and now she has lost trust for her
husband as well. Tony decided right then to respect Sam’s wish not to focus on her past and to
focus instead on rebuilding her relationship skills with her husband. Currently they have little
heartfelt understanding and they aren’t giving each other what they need therefore they can’t
create trust and respect. Once they have a base of trust and respect, they will be able to reclaim
their passion for each other, harness their courage, create alignment and develop an inspiring
new example for their life.
Now take a moment to ask yourself: Are there areas in your life or your relationship where you
don’t feel trust, or don’t feel trusted by your partner? Was there a moment in your past where
you felt that love was being taken away? How did you react? What did you decide to do?
Tony: When people get of feeling worthless, they get angry so that they can say it is not that I
am worthless, it is that you are all [0.19.06.7] up. And that is what you even did with these
people around here loving you and I understand why I am me and I totally understand who I
am. I have not been raped. I have been to some experiences this close to it by other males when
I went to that little camp I told you about. So I have had the same fear but I haven't had to live
what you have lived so I can't say that I feel what you felt. I can only appreciate what you have
been through and am definitely sorry you have gone through it but I would love to see you be
free because otherwise that mother [0.19.34.5] gets to be in a position where he knows he has
got space in your brain, body and heart for as long as you live.
Sam: But I don't think about that.
Tony: I know you don't consciously. And you probably don't think about being raped but you
think about the fact that you have not been loved at the level you want and deserved. Is that
fair?
Sam: [doubtfully] It could be.
Tony: It could be. Okay. That is fair. I appreciate your being honest. You are not positive and
whether this is you and me positive is to think about that even that hurts a bit.
CM: We will see that not feeling loved enough is exactly at the core of Sam’s predicament.
Tony: So thank you for your courage for that and thank you for your honesty with this piece and
there is a place we can weave to where you could start that freedom. I am not suggesting you
will never have pain again or you will never be pissed off. I think those things have actually
served you. Those muscles now are overdeveloped though. You know if you overdevelop your
biceps, your triceps gets out then also these neck muscles out then also you got a prod right here
at the base of your skull then that runs right down your back and now you got back problems

and before you know it, you react to everything because you are in pain all the time. And I
wasn't talking about your body just now. So, how would you know if Daryl loves you?
CM: Tony is asking Samantha what specifically has to happen for her to feel loved. She needs to
be clear on this in order to know what she is asking for in the relationship.
Take a moment to ask yourself: What has to happen for you to feel loved? What do others have
to do for you to really feel loved?
Sam: How would I know?
Tony: Uh-hmm. I mean really loved you. Has he gone and screwed around with another
woman?
Sam: No.
Tony: How would you know if he loved you? Do you know he doesn't? Or do you know he
does?
CM: Sam’s response confirms that not feeling loved is the deeper source of her anger and
frustration. This will be Tony’s primary focus from now on.
Tony: Daryl, what she is really trying to do is get her get [unintelligible]. I know you are scared
because you love the woman and you don't know what to do. So in order to do when you run
inside your little cave, I know that is not who you are as a man, I’m not making a comment
about you as a man. And the reason I should tell you that.
Sam: No, he is not a [0.21.54.2]. He’s controlling. He is not a [0.20.55.9]. He has got
everything he wants.
Tony: Really? He doesn’t have you happy. More importantly, first of all, how many of you
think a smile is the sexiest thing on a woman? Raise your hand if you agree. Second question:
When your woman is totally unhappy, how do you feel no matter what? Say that out loud. Well,
there is that word again. Now, I did not coach them on that word. It was a universal response in
the English language. You are unhappy, I am [0.22.28.2]. So these men who seemingly do not
care are more like you. They are angry and pissed off on internal but what they really do is they
feel unworthy and unloved and they are in survival. That is where he is. He wants to please but
probably thinks he can't. That it is not going to work. True or false? Why don't you?
Sam: [shaking her head] If he—no--
Tony: There is the answer. It is not in your head. The answer is in his face. It is not what he
tells me. You can see and it is not in his head. He scared [0.22.56.7] he doesn't look scared
because he is a man. He’s not supposed to.
CM: Research shows that a withdrawing and stonewalling husband is frequently the kiss of
death for a marriage. In troubled couples, it is typical that one withdraws while the other
pursues even though the pursuit may be felt as an attack. The more one withdraws, the more
the other pursues and the more one pursues, the more the other withdraws. Knowing that this
is the vicious cycle that he will have to change, Tony redefines Daryl’s stonewalling as an
expression of hurt or fear and Samantha’s attacking pursuit as the expression of the need to be
loved.

Ultimately the way to break the vicious cycle is to strengthen each partner to get them to clearly
see the other’s behavior as an expression of the need to be loved and for the partners to then
commit to give the other what they need.
Tony: This woman is a lover. She has been waiting for her whole life to be with a man she could
trust and give her soul to. She couldn't even trust her own father. And I know you love her. I
could see it in your eyes but your behavior scares the [0.24.09.4] out of her because she is
already so raw, you could touch her with a feather and she go and you have done more than a
feather. You’ve been pissed. You’ve lost it. You’ve gone inside. You’ve run. You’ve done your
work where you can feel significant again and certain. Tell me if I am wrong. Okay?
So, you got a great woman. This woman has been hurt and some part of you knew it and
probably saw her at times she was sensitive and wanted to give to her. That’s my bet. My bet
was she has a beautiful face and a great body, all those things. I am sure you saw those things
and my bet is you saw her heart that was hurting and as a man, you felt called to give to her but
now you feel like a failure.
CM: Tony has brought up a point that is crucial to understand in relationships. When their
woman is unhappy, many men will blame themselves. Far from being insensitive, men are often
hypersensitive to their woman’s emotional state. When men feel they cannot make their partner
happy, they become frustrated and try to distract themselves from their frustration by going into
defensive behaviors: withdrawal, anger or focusing on work to enhance their self esteem.
These defensive behaviors are destructive and decrease trust but it is important for women to
understand that underneath these behaviors men still want to love and be loved. What men
need to learn is that they’re greatest feeling of self esteem and significance will come from their
ability to continue loving their woman through any problem or upset.
Tony: Daryl, how much or what I have said is true?
Daryl: A hundred percent true.
Tony: Okay. What attracted you to this woman?
Daryl: I was working with her and there was just something about her that’s still there and I just
fell for her straight away.
Tony: And what kind of feelings were generated in you when you are around her?
Daryl: Oh, just awesome.
Tony: This guy who responses one liners awesome, great, feel good. This is a guy. Women hate
these [0.26.15.9]. What does that mean? Great. [makes a face] Awesome. [makes another face]
[audience laughing]
Tony: How many women are like "Come on. Give me more than awesome." Come on. Raise
your hand.
[Applause]
Tony: So Daryl, we are going to train you in a new language which is called communication.
Most men don't know anything about it.
Daryl: If that is what she wants.
Tony: That is right. But also honestly, it is a part of you that has to be developed. Not just for
her, for you. It is time to become a man who can have your center so strong that he can say the
truth.
CM: Tony wants to strengthen Daryl so he can turn their relationship around by standing
strong and communicating his commitment to Samantha. Building trust follows five stages:
Each building on the other. The basis of trust is your commitment to put your partner’s needs
first. You cannot build trust and respect when you are focusing on yourself and putting yourself
first. You cannot say that you’ll create trust once you’ve gotten what you want, you must start
from the very beginning by declaring your absolute commitment to your partner.
For instance you can say: I love you too much to argue with you. I don’t want to hurt us. I’m
hurting inside so I can only imagine how it’s hurting you. I love you and I will take care of you
no matter what.
The second stage is to create the heartfelt emotions that will bring healing and love. Intellectual
commitment is not enough. You must generate the feelings that will bring reconciliation.
Instead of focusing on your own needs, get out of yourself and into your heart. This creates a
powerful antidote to the emotions of anger and upset.
Once you are in a heartfelt emotional state, go to stage three where you tell the truth about your
fears. Share your feelings without blaming your partner. And listen in a heartfelt way without
trying immediately to fix the situation. Your partner will give you honest feedback, which is a
sign of how successfully you have met your partner’s needs. Your partner may express doubt,
hesitation, regret or disappointment. When this happens, don’t beat yourself up, instead show
your loving determination to put your partner first and to honor his or her need for love.
The fourth stage is to align with your partner and create a compelling future. Hear your
partner’s requests, learn about your partner’s needs and give him or her a loving response. It is
good to repeat your declaration and to align your interests in a shared vision, a compelling
future for both of you. Trust is built by repeating and reinforcing these four levels: From
commitment to generating loving emotion, to sharing and listening and giving a loving response
and aligning for a common future.
The fifth stage is always to end difficult conversations with an act of love. If you cannot end on a
loving note, then you have not succeeded in building trust. You don’t fully understand your
partner and your partner may not feel fully understood. Go back to stages one, two and three
until you have heartfelt understanding and you are truly putting your partner’s needs first.
At this point, Tony will lead Samantha and Daryl through an exercise that strengthens all five
stages of trust: Commitment, creating loving emotions, sharing alignment and giving an act of
love.
Tony: And I want you to breathe and I want you to feel your center as you are breathing but not
harsh. Just feel it. And then I want you to put your focus on your heart and I want you to
imagine breathing in your heart. Close your eyes and just imagine breathing in your heart and
even though there are all kinds of things going on, every time you thought just only see your
heart breathing. [to Sam] And would you do this also? Just for a moment. Just for your
physiology? Yeah, thank you. Would you stand and just breathe comfortably? And now I like
you can put your hand on your heart both of you if you would. Put your hand on your heart.
What I would like you to do with your eyes closed is breathe deeply in your heart continuously.
See the power of your heart. Breathe the power of your heart and I would like you to imagine
love in your heart vibrating with no fear like the love that maybe if you believe there was a God
or you believe something gave you the gift of life that heartbeat of love was there. A totally safe
love, a love that was about giving and not taking. Just truly. Just feel your heart and feel love in
the heart. Feel it, see it, breathe it. Every breath should feel more powerful in your heart, more
full. Feel like you are channeling the breath into your heart. Just enjoy the feeling of your heart.
Picture it. See it. Feel your heart. That’s it. And now I want you think of a happy moment in
your life, at any age, any moment but a moment that you were grateful for, a moment of
gratitude, a moment that felt like wow, I love this moment.
Any moment at all as a child, as an adult, when you had a child, anytime. A moment and I
would like you to think of a moment with this partner of yours and I want you to think of a
moment that was happy, that both of you were lit up. That you heard something that was so
silly you couldn't stop your laughter till you coughed. Or a place where you got the giggles when
you weren't supposed to? There you go, because in your heart you have answers. As you keep
touching your heart and breathing at it, I will tell you something they found out five years ago.
Men won a prize for it. Whenever you cannot figure it out, when you are stressed, they can
measure the electrical response of your brain and your heart and they are radically different but
when you breathe in your heart for two minutes, they go in sync and your brain gives you
answers you could never get at that other state. It is a technique. It is called heart activation
that even changes your hormones so breathe it, because in this state you will have a different
answer.
You’ll both have pain from your past. Her pain is obvious but I know you have had it too Daryl
and she knows at some part of her loves you and has seen that pain and wants to heal it for you
too but she fails like a failure because you shut up so much. I am just wondering if you both
went into your heart, what would happen? Stay in your heart and ask yourself what do I need to
let go of in order to solve this problem? What belief do I need to let go of? What’s a belief that
has outlived its usefulness? Maybe there’s another belief you need to let go of. What is the other
belief? But if you let go of it, your relationship will go to another level. Belief about how your
partner is supposed to be or has to be or what they don't do or never do or will not do or belief
about I tried everything. What’s the belief that just needs to go and breathe in your heart and
feel free? Give yourself freedom. Freedom comes when you get rid of this slavery of an old
belief. You just let it go. You have the right to keep this belief but it is hurting you and you know
it. It’s hurting yourself and maybe hurting people you love. Maybe even your children without
you realizing it because they see and hear everything even if they are toddlers and as you do that,
I want you to remember a young child that you loved.
I want you to see yourself as a baby because all babies are loved. Even mothers that are screwed
up love their babies because their biochemistry requires it. That is they don't leave until later in
life usually even if they’re scared of the man they’re with. See a young little baby you. Go and
give him a big hug. Tell her or him "You know what, there was a tough rode but we made it. I
am on the other side and I am going to take you there so you do not have to go through this
anymore. Give her a big hug and kiss. Or him, and bring him inside you. Bring him inside you
right now. Breathe in your heart and then ask yourself: What do I need to let go of or what do I
need to believe now instead about my life, about this situation, about my partner, about myself
that would free me? What new belief do I need that if I took it on, I breathe deeply in my heart
now? Breathe deeply in my heart now. That’s it.
And what would I do if I wanted to get through to this person? If I wanted, I am just going to let
go and get through to him. Daryl, what would I do if I wanted, it was in my heart, I wasn't
fearful. I knew whatever she said that when she screamed at me, she was just screaming at me
to see whether or not she could trust me to keep loving her when I keep coming towards her
instead of running away. She’s looking for an oak tree in a movable force that will be there to
shade her during her hot hurtful times, someone who embrace her even when she is hurting and
crazy and unfair just as you’ve been.
Some part of you knows this could still be made right but it is going to take you showing up as a
man. She’s been to pain no human being deserves to go through. No one. That little Samantha
never should have had to become Sam. It is unfair but you can heal her. Will you? Will you
love when it is impossible to love? Will you hold her when she wants to run? And feel her heart.
Will you dig through that pain and know it is not about you which she screams, no, it’s about the
past even though she calls you the name. If you will give yourself the gift to heal, the love that is
inside you that has been building up your entire life can heal others. You stood up not just for
yourself, not just for your children, not just for your husband but there are many who would not
have the courage to stand up who have so much hurt inside them. They call it hate but it is hurt.
They call it anger and frustration but it is hurt and hurt is just sadness and you, if you choose to,
can be an instrument, you can if you choose to heal them with not just your courage. I know you
have courage, I mean your faith. A trust that you have had before but at a deeper level where
you do not have a limit to that trust and I know you don’t know me and you may think I’m just
saying this. I’m okay if you don't trust me but one man you can trust even though you have had
pain is the man who stands behind you. You can trust him because he loves you. He has seen
the real you behind all of these. That is why you are still here. He’s scared he is not enough for
you Samantha. He’s scared he is not doing what you need. He’s right. He has not up until now.
But he is enough, he just needs to do some things so you can trust.
Daryl, I want you to imagine while you are breathing in your heart, she screams the worst things
you never want to hear. I’ leaving you. Go be by yourself you son of a [0.38.30.4]. You take
care of the children. I’ve done everything for you and as she’s saying it, when you got to look
and see this little girl called Samantha because that’s who she really is. Samantha Judy. And
when she’s screaming that, you do not have to run. The more she screams, the more she loves
you. Otherwise she wouldn’t care. She’s screaming because she is screaming to you please love
me. Please show me you care. Please help me through my scary time and maybe it is time now
to make some decisions.
Do you love this person? Enough to love yourself? To let go, to forgive. I bet you are not
against giving. I bet you are forgiving. Maybe it’s your Mama. Crazy [0.39.25.1] that she was
but if we can forgive others we can really know we can forgive ourselves because Samantha
would say to you she doesn't blame herself but she does. She thinks I should have been more. I
should have been something. Then she stops doing that hates these other people.
Can you imagine how her father was? He wanted love so badly and felt so unworthy that he
went to a child. He went because he felt so much love in her. He did not know how to deal with
it. I can only imagine what is life was really like that no one probably will ever know. I am not
defending what he did. It’s disgusting. But I can understand that something in his life made
him feel so unworthy, so unworthy of love, he had to go to a child who he thought would be safe
and Samantha is a lover. So even though she’s scared at some level he felt like maybe she loves
me and now he lives in eternal hell. If he’s alive, he’s in eternal hell. That is for sure. Because
no matter how much he acts like he doesn't have guilt about it, the pain she feels are guaranteed
he has at a different level because at some level she knows it is not her fault even though she
blames herself sometimes.
How does it feel to breathe in your heart continuously for a long period of time? I’ll tell you this,
when you’re talking with someone and they get angry, they are always in their head. Your head
is where you get tricked by your memories of the past but your heart is in the present. And
everything can be felt and solved and shared and loved in the present. Your heart is your power.
Samantha has more heart than anybody you’re going to meet in your lifetime probably. It may
look like anger. I love her willfulness honestly. I mean, it’s like standing over that chair for
twenty minutes refusing to bend. I love that [0.41.20.2]. God, how many women have that kind
of drive inside them?
I can only imagine when you finally get her to know that you are her man and will never leave
her no matter what she says or does, you will worship her soul, you’re in for an experience you
will never forget. And I just don't mean sexual. I mean an aliveness. Because frankly Daryl,
you’ve been dead for a long time. And you need to spit fire because just going to work and
achieve and then being significant and certain in doing your thing and getting stimulated
however. That is dead compared to what this woman can give you. There is no amount of life
you will ever experience when compared to what Samantha can give you when she opens and
I’m wondering if you are man enough to open her.
So decide what you’re going to do. What would you do? Not just say, but do? And by the way, as
soon as you do that she won’t trust you because women are always testing. You’ll do it and
they’ll go yeah he is doing it now but will he do it later? And just when you are in the best stage,
she will do something to piss you off just to see if she can take you out of your center. But my
guess is you’ve walked on fire and my bet is that there is a center inside of you that doesn't even
have to be intense. My bet is that there is a part inside of you that’s got such a big heart that’s
why she picked you. She knows you are right even though she’s scared. She knows. Now if I ask
her, she would say, no. Then she would look at you and go how’s that feel? But she’s just saying
please, please don't disappoint me again. Please show me I picked the right men. Even though
it hasn't looked that way for years, please. She’s trying to take a baseball bat to your hard head
because you’re so in your head it is time to come to your heart.
Now if you could see her right now, in her face, there is a softness in her face and my guess is
you saw a long time ago and it’s unbelievably beautiful and I’m not commenting and stroking
her. As everyone opens their eyes having decided what they are going to do, look at her face on
the screen and tell me there isn't a beauty in this face that is extraordinary.
[Applause]
CM: The visualization led Samantha to feel for the little child that she had been whom she
didn’t even remember but who she could now care for and love. For Daryl, the strong message
was to step up and be man enough to never withdraw his love even in the most difficult times.
We will see now how difficult it is for Daryl to hear this message.
Tony: What can you tell me or what can you tell this woman you call your lady?
Daryl: I think that the biggest thing I can do for her is let her go. I will let her be herself instead
of trying to hold her back.
Tony: And how are you holding her back?
Daryl: I think that my fear is of losing her.
Tony: So, does she really want to go?
Daryl: Deep down I don't think so but yes, she has, she’s told me she has.

Tony: Do we have a big horn? [buzz] Wrong answer. Just failed class number 1. You just went
right there and said the very thing that would make her most fearful.
CM: Now we know why Samantha doesn’t trust her husband. When the going gets tough, he
gives up on Samantha. You can see her losing all hope as she hears this. Tony must act quickly
in order to give this relationship a chance.
Tony: If you know that she really doesn't want to leave, then letting her go is what she is afraid
you will do because in her head, if you really love me, you wouldn't let her go. You would do
whatever it took to get through to her.
CM: All this time Tony has been evaluating Daryl’s feelings for Sam. He is certain that Daryl
still loves her so he will now help Daryl to take a strong position to win Samantha back.
Tony: What you really did was in a heartfelt place, you went to sacrifice, I will lose my love in
order for her to feel whole. And I respect that you’re willing to sacrifice. I know that was an act
of love you just said but in a feminine mind… In a feminine mind, that wasn't a moment of
sacrifice. That was a moment of you just giving up. So you need to start thinking and
understanding that she will interpret what you are doing from your heart to try to love her as
being someone who could never open her. So let us try another answer. What do you think will
be the best thing you can do? But this time, I would like you to grab your balls.
[Audience laughs – Daryl obliges]
Tony: Okay, very nice and I would like you to say I’m [0.46.09.3] man.
Daryl: I am a [0.46.11.3] man.
Tony: That is right.
[Applause]
CM: Daryl has old feelings of frustration that he has not been able to give Samantha the love
that she craves. However by lingering in frustration he is putting himself first and ignoring
Samantha’s needs. As long as he is frustrated and threatens to leave, Samantha will never trust
him and he will never feel appreciated. He needs now to commit to Samantha, to give up the
option of leaving her and to build up his determination to give Sam the love that both he and she
want to experience.
This is stage one of rebuilding trust: Commit and declare.
Tony: What does Samantha need? What does Sam need?
Daryl: She needs my love.
Tony: That is right and how does it need to show up differently than in the past? What does she
need?
Daryl: She needs me to be there.
Tony: And how will you be there? When it’s easy?
Daryl: When it is easy, when it is hard, every time, all the time.
Tony: Yes, how would you be there when it is easy, when it is hard all the time? How? How will
you be there? How will you be there? What would you do differently than you have done in the
past?
Daryl: Listen to her.
Tony: And how would you listen? Would you listen in fear? Or listen where you keep sending
energy into her body? With the more energy she sent at you, the more you turn around and
send into her loving her. When you saw a little girl inside of her, you just kept loving her where
she could see it in your eyes or she could breathe it. Come here now. Come up on the stage.
Come here now. Give him a hand. Come here now.
[Applause – Daryl and Sam move to stage]
CM: Daryl has a habit of becoming emotionally overwhelmed and losing his commitment to his
wife. In other words, he is not putting her first and he is trying to escape her suffering by
offering to let her go. Tony is calling Daryl on stage to strengthen his powers of commitment to
his wife even in difficult times when he feels defensive and helpless.
[Applause]
Tony: I want you to tell him what you are really feeling. And the whole time she does this, I
want you totally present. Do you want to give her this present? Yes or no? You want to or you
will?
Daryl: I will.
Tony: Great.
Sam: What am I going to say?
Tony: Tell him whatever it is that you are really feeling. Tell him the truth.
Sam: Okay.
Tony: If you want, you can breathe in your heart. Because I know your head will say things that
aren't true.
Sam: [tearfully] I’m scared to tell him things because he’ll get angry.
Tony: I know, honey. I know you’re scared. Thank you for that honesty. Please give her a hand
for that.
[Applause]
Tony: You are scared because?
Sam: He’ll get angry at what I’ll say.
Tony: He’ll get angry. I am asking you to trust him right here because if he does, I’ll just punch
him.

[Laughter and Applause]
Tony: In fact, let us do something before you tell him. Let us try something so we know we can
trust him. We’re going to play a game. Come here with me. Come here with me. I need another
man.
CM: Tony had intended to take Samantha and Daryl to stage three: sharing, listening and
learning so that Samantha could communicate her real feelings to Daryl. However, the level of
trust in this couple is so low that Samantha is afraid to communicate honestly.
Tony will now take Daryl back to stage one: Strengthening his commitment and his ability to be
present for Samantha. Learning how to be resourceful in the very moment where he used to
emotionally shut down. Daryl will begin by practicing being present for someone else first so he
can then transfer that skill to his relationship with Samantha. Tony will invite a handsome
young man as Daryl’s partner in order to inspire a sense of challenge in Daryl.
Tony: This man has a heart of gold. How many sense it in his eyes? In his face? [hands in
audience go up] He loves this woman. He was attracted to this woman because he felt she
needed him. But now he feels like a failure. What you need and what she needs is presence. So
we’re going to train you in presence. So you can watch and see how he does.
This man Freddie I picked because he is bigger than you are but he is not bigger than you are in
the heart. He also has a heart. I picked him because I watched him and he is handsome and he
is a strong man but I get that this guy also has a heart that’s why I picked him, too. So he is
going to partner with you. So we are going to play a game. I will show you what it looks like.
I want you to stare at each other. And I want you to feel that he is – your focus is totally to feel
everything that is going on him, to feel it. If you have any other thought, if you have a
distraction, if you think about how you are looking, if you think about what the audience is
thinking, if you think about your wife, if you think about your past, if you see in him a lack of
presence, I want you to smack him as hard as you can. That is good.
CM: Presence means complete connection and empathy for what the other person is
experiencing in this moment now.
Tony: You are going to do the same thing with him. Now you are doing this not to hurt each
other. You are doing it as partners, as buddies to bring out more presence in each other. So the
minute you see him like his head goes away, like he just did a minute ago, I’d smack the shit out
of him. Just smack him. Okay?
[Audience laughs]
Tony: Now, and every time you feel it then your brain’s going to want to go somewhere else but
you guys’ goal is to stay there. Now I am only asking you to do is if you are willing to do it and
you know you’re really not doing it to hurt each other. You’re doing it as men to bring out more
presence in each other. Are you willing to do this? Do you want this? Hell, yes. Okay. Good.
So now when you do it, you’re not going to hit the head. You’re just going to hit the side of the
shoulder. A good smack, okay? And then as soon as he does it, if the other guy does it, you
smack him. Okay? That’s good. I know it is bruised. That’s good. Okay? He says he’ll just do
the other side. That’s nice. Okay. All right? Now, first let us see if you can reach other without
having to lean or do something. Can you smack him? Okay, you need to come just a little closer
on the side so you can smack the shit out of him. He’s got muscle there but it will hurt especially
if you snap your finger at the end. It’ll leave a nice bruise, it’ll feel good.
[audience laughing]
Tony: Okay? I will tell you when to start. Both of you go into total presence. You are feeling
everything inside of him. There is no other thought but him. That’s what a woman wants. She
wants you to feel it. She says nanana and you go that’s all [0.52.53.7] but I feel what’s really in
her. Feel it and the minute he breaks total connection with you, smack his arm. The minute he
breaks total concentration, you smack him. Go.
[They stare at each other until Daryl smacks Freddie]
Tony: That was absolutely right. He absolutely was right. So you know. He was right on. In
fact he was about two seconds short. He waited. Don't wait next time.
Don't be a [0.53.33.5]. Smack him. He was there. You get there.
[Audience laughs and applauds]
Tony: Feel him. Feel everything inside him. Nothing but him. You both have gone out
smacking each other you [0.53.58.2]. Smack him. He did it again. Don't wait. When you see
even a slight break. That’s what women feel. When you see even the most minute change, that
is what those women see. Even the most minute change. Feel it. Smack him.
Okay, stop. [to Sam] These guys need your help. Come here. Move over here. Look at this guy.
I want you to smack the shit out of him the minute he breaks presence with you, okay?
[Audience laughs and applauds]
Tony: Feel her. She sees already. Boom. Just like that. Right? Now, did that piss you off just
now? It did a little bit. Come on. Tell the truth. When I hit your face. Good. Good. Now don't
go to smile. It is okay to smile too but good. That is it. Good. Good.
[Audience laugs]
Tony: Good, good. Really good. Thank you. As soon as he breaks presence, smack him good
right here. No.
[Audience laughs]
Tony: Guys, just take it in.
The minute like you feel like a presence honey and it is not there to start with smacking him to
start with. Yeah, that’s right. Don't look at me. Look at her.
[Audience laughs]
Tony: Go. The minute like there is a presence, smack him. That is right.
You get in there. I know honey. Did you hear what she said? What did you say? Say what you
said.
Sam: He’s clenching his jaw.

Tony: He is clenching his jaw. So when he’s clenching is jaw, what do you feel?
Sam: That he’s pissed off.
Tony: Yeah. He’s in here about him right? Instead of with you. See what you get? What’s that?
What’s that? He did a good job there ladies and gentlemen. Give him a hand. Nice shot.
[Applause]
Tony: Can you feel that? Now, what did you feel that? When you were succeeding?
Freddie: Yeah.
Tony: What was different?
Freddie: I was just concentrating in her eyes and just thinking about all that she had been
talking about down there and just trying to feel her pain.
Tony: Trying to feel her pain. He was trying to feel her pain. [Sam steps forward and hugs
Freddie] Look at what that did. That’s what she needs in you. Give him a hand.
[Applause – Freddie steps down]
Tony: Sorry. I’ll tell you when to start. Did you hear what he did? He thought about
everything. Just like I felt what she was feeling. I went inside and felt her. You can do that
more than any human. I know he’s good looking, I know he’s young and all those things. She
might even be stimulated in that but you know what she is stimulated by? Presence. Presence
means your ability to go inside no matter what she is doing. Smacking you, yelling at you and
feeling what really is going on and her pain and loving her. You will find it in here and you’ll feel
it in here.
CM: Now that both Daryl and Samantha have had some practice, Tony will take them to the
next stages of building trust. Daryl will move from stage one – commitment to stage two –
creating heartfelt emotion by giving Samantha his full attention and his determination to feel
what she is feeling. Samantha will give him feedback by slapping his arm when he loses
presence. Daryl must see this not as a criticism but as a request for even more heartfelt
understanding, determination and commitment from him. Watch them now.
[Sam smacks Daryl]
Tony: That is it. Good. What did he do just then?
Sam: He was looking at me in disbelief.
Tony: He was looking at you in disbelief. Now he was going "That wasn't disbelief. I can't
believe you didn't believe I was believing it."
[Audience laughs]
Tony: It doesn't matter. That’s how she feels about it.
Reach in and feel her pain. Remember everything she’s been through. Look in her eyes. Love
her. It’s her pain. Ooh, why did you swallow just like that just now? Why are you smiling right
at? Tell me what just happened to you? Rubbing your little neck here. What was it all that?
What happened?
Sam: I’m still worried that he is going to get [0.59.41.3] that I brought him into this.
Tony: Yes, so you weren't present.
[Sam laughs]
Tony: That’s not your job. I was just having fun. When she does that, go deeper. By the way,
can I ask you an honest question? You said it is because you were thinking I jope he doesn't get
upset with me later about this but you also felt his presence in that moment and you were afraid
it wouldn't last. Tell me I am wrong.
Sam: Yeah. No, you’re not wrong.
Tony: She smiled because she felt this presence but then she went, "It won’t last. He will be
pissed about this later." No, he’s going to be pissed on me. Look at this bruise I got there. You
didn't do that. I did it. Okay? He actually wants every bit of this. There is a man in front of you
and I know you just felt it. The man you picked. If you want, don't believe it. But feel what you
feel. Go deeper.
Sam: He wasn't being serious.
Tony: He wasn't being serious. Oh, so your idea of centered is only serious?
Sam: I don't know.
Tony: Is that you not really feeling? Is that you being in your head or your heart? This game
doesn't work if you’re in your head because then you’ll just slap him all time. True? So if you’re
in your head and I know you are not really giving him feedback. You are just doing [1.01.17.6].
You have to be in your heart otherwise that smack isn't fair.
CM: Samantha’s responsibility here is not only to give feedback but also to remain open to
Daryl’s efforts. It would be easy for her to put herself first and to stop listening to him, but that
would make trust impossible. While remaining honest about her feelings, she must also be
sensitive to Daryl’s good intentions.
Tony: So go to your heart because the truth is I was watching and you lied that time. Tell me
I’m wrong.
Sam: No, you’re wrong. His eye went.
Tony: The last one or the one before?
Sam: The last one.
Tony: Okay. The one before I’m talking about.
Sam: No, that was a big wink.
Tony: A wink?

Sam: A big movement.
Tony: A movement.
Sam: Yeah.
Tony: Okay. So no movement is presence?
Sam: He…
Tony: Oh, we better think about this. Is no movement presence? Is he supposed to stare and
not have any movement or is he supposed to be feeling and present with you?
Sam: Yeah.
Tony: So, if all we’re looking for is movement, then we have no connection to the heart and we
can’t even feel when he’s loving us. Now, we’re being a man. Men are that dumb. They think
that appearances are what’s really going on. They do. They’re not bad people. You’re feeling all
this and they believe you when you go, "I don't want to talk about it." They actually believe that
because they look at the appearance. I’m not asking you to look at him I’m asking you to feel
him and I want you to go deeper and I want you to rip her open emotionally with your love.
Where it doesn't matter what she does, you’re here to love her forever and you breathe through
it. There’s a part of you that’s proud that you can do this because very few men can ever dream
of doing this but you can. You’ve decided to.
CM: When working on stage two generating heartfelt emotion, there are three things to focus
on: First focus on your partner’s positive intent, that what he or she really wants is love. Second
go into your heart where you are not judgmental. Third remind yourself and flood yourself with
thoughts of gratitude, dedication, pride in your courage and your hopes for the future. These
steps will make you stronger emotionally so you can rebuild trust.
Tony: Enjoy going into her and feel her. Feel what she’s feeling right now. Feel what she’s
feeling. Feel her. Look at her eyes and feel her. Feel what’s going on inside her. Not what she
tries to do with her face. Not what she says. What’s really going on in her? What’s she really
feeling? Feel her, don’t just think it. Feel it. When was the last time you had this much
presence from this man?
Sam: I don't think I ever truly have.
Tony: How does this feel?
Sam: Good.
Tony: Good? How does it really feel?
Sam: Fantastic.
[Applause]
Tony: You couldn't smile and enjoy that and keep taking her in. Keep taking her in. Now tell
him what you were afraid to tell him. Give me this microphone. Tell him what you were afraid
to tell him. And stay here and remember whatever she says she’s lying. In all the [1.05.24.7]
that has happened for years, it doesn't matter a bit because the moment you come to her
presence, she will feel you and you are going to love her when she seems crazy, she’ll trust you.
And once she trusts you, she’ll open to you. And when she opens to you, yoy’re going to feel like
a man again. Totally alive and you’re going to be able to heal her heart with your love and then
as soon as you think you got it made she is going to test you. She’s going to say something that
will hurt you. Her job is to try to hurt you. Your job is to show nothing will ever hurt me
because I love you. You can fake all you want. You can scream, you can yell, you can smack me.
I own your soul and you’re never getting away. I will take care of you forever. Or something like
that.
[Applause]
Tony: Tell him what you’re afraid to tell him.
CM: Having elicited Daryl’s depth of feeling for Samantha, Tony now moves to stage three:
sharing, listening and learning. Because Samantha's deepest issue is her lack of trust and her
fear of abandonment, Tony asks her to express to Daryl her worst fears. We will see whether
Daryl's commitment and heartfelt presence will be strong enough to withstand hearing how
Samantha really feels.
Sam: I’m afraid you are going to make me a person and I don’t want to be. You’ve already done
that. I feel that you’ve already done that. I’m not happy with myself. I don’t have any
confidence. I don't have any self-esteem. It’s you who keeps me back.
Tony: What’s that?
Sam: It is him that is, his constant negative crap in the hands of the…
Tony: [Cross-talking] And when she does that become more of a man. The man that is like I
love you and when she does that whatever it is just…
Daryl: You can try and break me but you won’t, I love you too deep.
Tony: That’s it.
Sam: Then why don't you show it? Why don't you show? Why do you got to argue all the time?
Why do you got to do things behind my back all the time? Why do you go tell the kids when I
say to them that we decided that we’re not going to be together that I had to take the blame?
And you told the kids that I was cruel for telling them. You didn't take any responsibility for
that. None.
Tony: Tell the truth. Feel your heart. Stay strong. Love her.
Sam: I am afraid that our boys are going to be like you and you and the thought of them of them
treating their wives like you treat me repulses me.
Tony: Do, say, whatever your heart would do or say and stay loving her every second.
Daryl: Keep breaking.
CM: Now Samantha is giving Daryl her core fears about their life. Ask yourself: What is she
asking of Daryl in this moment? What request is she making? Is she rejecting him or is she
asking for more love and consideration? Daryl still thinks of these criticisms as attempts to
break him. He needs to work on stage four align and create vision. He needs to align with her
and her complaints to continue to declare his love and commitment, to learn her needs and to
work on a common vision for them. As you listen to Samantha, focus on what her needs are in
that moment.
Sam: I am scared that our girls are going to be with someone like you, controlling, nasty, not
loving.
Tony: Remember why she is saying all this.
Sam: Besides when we have sex, the only thing that you don't do is put the money on the
counter. There’s no closeness there. There’s nothing.
Tony: So she is doing everything she could say to hurt because she is hurting so bad and saying
do you really love her? Because most men would run.
Sam: If you did, I wouldn't be feeling all these. You would be showing me, you would be
supporting me.
Tony: She is pouring it. She has got a hell of a bag, doesn't she? She has got a great bag of
tricks. I mean it is not working so she is going deeper. All the stuff that would make you feel
guilty and bad and you may never even have done some of those things.
Sam: No, he’s never felt guilty. That is the problem.
Tony: You may have felt those things but that won’t make it better. What you got to do instead
is you got to show that you hear her in your heart that you feel her and what you will do.
CM: Every communication can be taken in two ways: as a comment and as a request. While
Samantha is commenting and complaining about Daryl’s failure to make her happy, she is also
requesting him to wake up and take care of her. Daryl has been focusing on Samantha’s
communication as a complaint that is why he has been so defensive. Now he must see her
communication as a request, as an expression of her needs.
Tony: Do or say whatever you want or keep listening whatever you think is right right now but
keep loving her every second and know there are all these words are a call to you to be her man.
What else do you want to tell him?
Sam: That I wish you’d get off your ass and do something. You winge and moan and groan
about your health but you do nothing. But when I try and do something, then you complain
because I am half-an-hour late and gee I might be talking to another man. God forbid, then you
tell me what I have to wear or what I don't wear or are you wearing that out? You’re not going to
wear that out on the street are you? I can't even be myself.
Daryl: Keep coming baby.
[Applause]
Sam: Oh -- off. Just because you love me like this, Daryl, and you can say that you love me
forever. This is fun and dandy but you’re still not showing it.
CM: For the first time Samantha admits that she knows that Daryl loves her.

Sam: So we go home and we continue to be exactly the same as you are and just because you
looked in my eyes and I can see that you love me? It’s still all right to treat me like that? Can he
respond to that?
Tony: He can.
Sam: Can you respond to that?
Daryl: I will show you love. I will show you the love you ‘ve never seen before.
[Applause]
Tony: Why are his eyes watering? He’s still present though even though his eyes are watering.
Hmm.
And notice what you did with her. What happened to that woman who was just screaming right
now? What is that water squeezing out? There is only a few places water can come out in a
public place and be okay. This is one of them. Why will you show her love? In new ways, in
different ways. First of all, have you been controlling? At times?
Daryl: Yes.
Sam: All the time.
Daryl: At times.
Sam: All the time.
Daryl: All the time.
[Applause]
Sam: Even to what time I have to go to bed.
CM: As long as Daryl resists Samantha’s complaints, she cannot feel fully understood by him.
In this exercise, Daryl must acknowledge all of Samantha’s feelings whether he agrees with them
or not.
Tony: What else?
Sam: Don't go behind my back and do things. Don't get another $10,000 credit card without
me knowing. Or order ovens or things when we have discussed we are doing things differently.
Don't do that.
Daryl: Bring it on, baby. Come on. You can do better.
Sam: You want me to go deeper?
Tony: He is asking for it.
Daryl: Bring it on.

Tony: See even that smile is trying to get you. She’s run out of [1.13.30.7], didn't she? Look at
her.
Daryl: I am here for you.
Sam: But you’re not. You haven't been. I want to do something, it’s wrong or it is not right. Or
not that way. When’s the last time that you have compromised your ways to make me happy?
Tony: Would you really respect him if he did that all the time? Do you really want a man who
will do…
Sam: It would show me that there is some compromise in the marriage.
Tony: Is compromise what you want in your marriage?
Sam: Yeah, I’d like some compromise. Thanks. Yes, I am not going to feel like [0.14.02.3] walk
on every day and day.
Tony: Now I agree with that. Do you want to not feel like [1.140.6.3] or do you want to have a
life that is about compromise? Because there is a big difference and I know when you’re upset,
you tend to generalize but it would be important to figure out what you really want. Because my
bet is if he always gives you what you want, you’d have zero respect and if you say you want a
man, then he has to be able to make some decisions and choices not because he’s just going off
and making them but because he is looking out for you and him.
CM: Although Daryl must understand his mistakes from the past, he cannot take the position of
someone who is always wrong. This would only make him weaker. Tony’s making sure that
both Samantha and Daryl understand that in order to take full responsibility for Samantha’s
well being, Daryl must remain strong and decisive.
Tony: And if he can never make those decisions and it always feels like he is controlling then
what you really want is somebody who you can have no priority with. Continue.
Sam: No, he’s being himself because he has gotten everything he has wanted.
Tony: Are you asking or telling?
Sam: We have. Haven't you? We have to move. I took the kids out of school.
Daryl: I haven't got your love. I haven't got true love. I have been in your heart yet.
Sam: And how can I give it when I…
Tony: Ooh, what did you just say?
Sam: What?
Daryl: I haven't been in your heart yet.
Sam: You’re a [1.15.27.4].
Tony: That’s good. That’s good.

CM: This is the first time Daryl has communicated his feelings and Samantha is overreacting.
He must again strengthen his heartfelt commitment to her, continue to communicate honestly
and align with her in a position of trust.
Sam: You mean I have gone through sixteen years of these for nothing? Oh, my God. So this is
all for nothing?
Daryl: I want to get into your heart.
Sam: You think I have enjoyed putting up with your crap? You think I just did it because I like
it?
Daryl: You’re not going to push me away.
Sam: Oh, for God's sake.
[Applause]
Tony: Feel her and feel what she needs. Give her what she needs. Truthfully with authenticity,
with integrity from your heart.
Sam: [1.16.38.4] off. That you think I have been here for sixteen-seventeen years in this
relationship because you haven't had my heart? I gave everything to you Daryl. Everything.
Jesus.
Tony: Did you say that she didn't give you her heart? What did you say? You might want to
clarify for her.
Daryl: I want to get into your heart.
Sam: No, you said I have never given my heart.
Daryl: No.
CM: When a person comes from a place of fear and mistrust because of previous experiences,
there is a tendency to misinterpret an expression of love as an accusation. Daryl had said that
he had not yet gotten into her heart. Samantha took this as an accusation that she had not
opened her heart. That she had not given him her all. This is a deep pain for her and a critical
point in the conversation. If Daryl overreacts now, the whole exercise will fail.
This is the point when you disagree lovingly with your partner. Daryl must acknowledge
Samantha’s fears, reassure her that they are not true and show his determination to get even
closer and more intimate with her. He must put Samantha first, overcome her fear and align
with her to create trust.
Tony: Just one second. When normally you’re by yourselves, no one else knows. So when a
woman makes [1.18.10.5] up and gets upset about it, the guy’s [1.18.12.9]. Unfortunately there
are 1500 witnesses and that’s not what he said. What is that?
Sam: He doesn't think I have given my all and I have. Damn well have.
Tony: Hush. This is their discussion.

Daryl: I didn't say you haven’t given. I said I want to get into your heart.
Sam: Rewind the tape. I just want to see.
Daryl: Feel now.
Sam: What do I have to do to get you into my heart? Even though you’ve been there but you
think you haven't. Because I’ve given all to you. Not just material but everything.
Tony: Breathe and feel what she’s really asking you to do. Breathe and feel what she’s really
wanting right now. What she is needing and give her the communication that she needs at all
levels, verbal and nonverbal.
Sam: What haven't I done? To make you feel that, what haven't I done? We pulled the kids out
of a remote area. We’ve moved there. We travel. We get into properties like you wanted to do.
Tony: Love her right now. Feel how much you love her.
Sam: You do everything. You do all your courses. You do your CFS. You do everything.
Tony: And answer her question from your heart.
Daryl: I was just running.
Sam: Huh?
Daryl: I’ve just been running.
Sam: From?
Daryl: From you.
Tony: Just for a moment can we have a hand for that level of honesty within this man?
[Applause]
CM: Samantha is expressing her lack of feeling of alignment in their relationship. She doesn't
feel a part of the decisions he is making and doesn't understand the purpose of the sacrifices he
is asking from her. In response, Daryl for the first time admits to his habitual pattern of
withdrawal as a response to Samantha. This is what he means when he says he has just been
running from her. Part of the withdrawing behavior is denying that you are withdrawing. As
Daryl admits to his own behavior, he is committed to changing it.
Sam: So you’ve confused me.
[Applause]
Sam: You said that you love me but you have been running from me. Hello.
Daryl: Just trying to get inside of you has just been impossible so it is easy to run and stand far.
[Applause]

Sam: But why are you running? You’re getting everything you want.
Daryl: I haven't got you.
Tony: What was that?
Sam: You have got me.
Daryl: Not truly.
Tony: Why don't you have her? Tell her why you don't have her. She seems confused. She
seems to think that you think that you don't have her because she hasn't given. Is that why?
Why don't you have her? At the level you want her. You certainly have her but why don't you
have her at the level that you truly want her? Tell her the truth.
Daryl: Just emotionally.
Tony: What’s going on in you that has prevented that from happening? Tell her so she knows.
Don't just say you run. Explain to her what has been going on in you. Why don't you have her at
the depth? And how would you know if you had her?
Sam: You’ve always had me.
Tony: Love her in your soul while you tell her. Tell her the truth. Be a man and tell her the
truth. Why don't you have her heart? Where have you been and how will it be different? That’s
what she needs to know. That’s what she is begging to know.
Daryl: I haven’t had your heart but I didn't have the balls to grab it.
Tony: And why were you running?
Daryl: It’s easier than staying and fighting.
Tony: And that’s what she was afraid of. Is that because you didn't love her? Or because you
are a [1.23.17.7]? I am just curious.
Daryl: A [1.23.20.2].
[Applause – Sam laughs]
Tony: Are you still?
Daryl: No way.
CM: By admitting his vulnerability, Daryl is taking a strong position. Withdrawal is the
approach of a weak passive person. Agreeing that he has been a pussy puts Daryl in a position of
honesty and honesty is strength.
Tony: What are you willing to do to own her heart?
Daryl: Everything.

Tony: Does that mean you are going to give her every single thing she wants? Every single
moment like a little [1.24.00.3] or you will reach in and feel what she really needs? Honor her
because she will tell you what she doesn’t need and doesn't want. She will tell you she doesn't
want to talk. If you give her everything she wants, she won’t be able to trust you. Why should
this woman trust you when you have been so untrustable for so long? Because you can't trust
someone who is going to run and that’s what she is scared of. Everybody else run. Her mother
ran. That’s her deepest fear. But something in her knows that she can trust you even though
you haven’t shown it. Somewhere she saw your soul that’s why she’s still here and all she’s
doing is begging you prove it to me. Don’t just prove it while you are standing here on the stage.
Prove it to me. Make my soul feel that you know how it was and you know you're going to make
it right. Not that you’re going to be perfect but that you’re going to stay here with me when I’m a
crazy [1.24.53.4] because I’m going to be. That smile you gave was very good at that moment
and hers, too.
Daryl: I’ll be here for anything you want. Respect I’ve never given.
[Applause]
Sam: I’m still confused. What have I done to make you feel like you haven’t been in my heart?
What haven't I done?
Tony: Is it her? Or has it been you? Just tell her the truth.
Daryl: I think it’s been you. You won’t let me in.
Sam: Why? What do I have to do?
Tony: Now, I want you to come back to being a man because for a moment you went to being a
little boy which is totally understandable because you have worked so hard to be in her heart but
you as a boy think that she is your Mama and Mamas are going to give love no matter what.
Mamas don't do it the way wives do, lovers do. Lovers go like this to see do you really love me
and when go like this you went "Oh, I am hurting," and you left but if you could just go and you
know in sports? Somebody hits you because they respect you unless you hit back. In this case,
hit back is love through it. You never get to the touchdown. It’s not that you haven't been to the
touchdown. It’s that you have been so afraid and you expected her to open. Her job is not to
open. Your job is to open her. And there is a way. Eyes, words, touch, hands, actions and I
respect you so much for what you said because no human being, male usually would ever admit
that he didn't give her the respect. You didn’t give her the respect because you were so what?
Daryl: So weak.
Tony: And hurt. Because you were loving her and you didn't feel she loved it so you got scared
and so your defense mechanism was to be disrespectful same as yours. It does take two to
tango. There is a heart inside of you. Now that you have lived it in your head for about 45
minutes into your heart I know you have been back and forth to it but… go home, to your heart.
That’s the real home. The head will always make you crazy and you my dear friend, stop talking
to her head. It’s time to go get her heart. Don't talk about it. Go get it. Whatever that means to
you.
[Daryl takes Sam into his arms]
[Applause]

[Sam and Daryl hug Tony]
Tony: Can I just ask Samantha if I may? Can I ask you a question? Please give her a hand. This
is Samantha, ladies and gentlemen.
[Applause]
Tony: Look at that face. What are you feeling right now?
Sam: Oh, just a lot of relief and I feel like I can breathe deeper now and that I’m going to open
my heart and let my husband in.
[Applause]
Tony: Why [1.29.02.3]? He goes out and does these stupid [1.29.07.4] things.
Sam: I’ve been a [1.29.08.4].
[Audience laughs]
Tony: Ladies and gentlemen, give her a hand. That is amazing.
[Applause]
Tony: [1.29.16.3] really go together.
[Audience laughs]
CM: The counter part of Daryl’s admitting to being a [1.29.22.9] is Samantha’s spontaneous
recognition that she had been a [1.29.27.3]. She now recognizes the part that she played in
Daryl’s need to withdraw.
Tony: He was a[1.29.33.4], you were a [1.29.34.0]. That was really beautiful for you to be able
to see that. Sometimes it is fun to be a [1.29.37.4] though wasn't it?
Sam: Oh, yeah.
[Audience laughs]
Tony: Yeah. So I don't want you to take that away the fun [1.29.41.7] part. You’ll keep that
right? Oh, yeah, I knew you would. What happened up here? Tell us what happened.
Sam: At first as you probably thought I thought it was a lot of crap. And in a way I didn't think I
could change so I – change my perception of things so quickly. I was looking at my life as pie,
like an apple pie.
Tony: Yes.
Sam: And I had a part for my kids and I had a part for Daryl and I had a part for this that and
the other but there was only one single [1.30.13.3] crumb left to my plate and that was for me
and it’s obviously not enough and I need to try to bring back some pieces of pie for myself and I
need to do that. And I need to include Daryl needs to be – our piece of pie needs to be together.
It doesn't need to be separate.
[Applause]
Tony: You can decide who he is for you and who you are for him. You can decide what you’re
going to believe no matter what. No matter what. No matter how it hurt, no matter how scary,
no matter how it looks like in the past that you are going to stay in the present with this man and
love him and be loved by you. Between this man and woman, can they provide certainty for
each other every day if they choose to? Yes or no?
Sam: Yes.
Tony: Zero to ten, how much can they give each other?
Sam: Ten.
Tony: Can they provide unending variety? Just because the fact that they are men and women.
Right? And they look at life differently and make different decisions. Positive and negative,
right, but variety full tilt. Can they provide that? Yes or no? Zero to ten, how much? Ten. Can
they for each other provide more significance than anything in the world can provide when they
look in each other's eyes, that they love each other or he looks at her and just has presence or she
looks at him and grabs him or that he grabs her or they make love passionately. How significant
can they make each other feel? Zero to ten? Ten. How much love could they express to each
other? Is there any limit to the amount they can give to one another? Yes or no?
In fact when you’re really loving, you don't measure. You don't say am I getting it back? He
went to level I’m just going to give you love because that is I love you and there was a point
where you got there and thought I love him. Yes, he is going to do [1.31.53.7] but I hate at times
but I love him. Am I right?
Sam: Yeah.
Tony: So you guys moved up to just giving it. In fact, you were doing things that hurt him not
wanting to hurt him, just wanting to open him. Get him to be there and he loved you anyway
and he’s done things that he knows that hurt you and he just came back and loved him anyway.
You just went to a level of growth and contribution to yourselves and each other. That is what
the life, that’s why you are in a relationship. Because there’s no place that will bring out more
fear and there’s no place that will bring out more growth and there’s no place on earth where
you’re going experience more love. Give her hand. That is so beautiful. Give her a hand.
[Applause]
CM: As Samantha stood up she was vacillating between anger and frustration and a sense of
hesitation and fear. This emotional pattern prevented anyone from helping her and left her on
her own. Tony took control of her hesitation by asking her to merely try to pick up a chair.
Faced with the impossibility of merely trying to do something, Samantha committed to making a
change. She revealed her terrible traumas from her past but also showed that her main concern
was with her marriage. She complained that her husband was controlling but Tony perceived
her deeper pain that she felt abandoned and misunderstood.
The couple was in a vicious cycle. As Samantha expressed her frustration and disappointment,
Daryl would withdraw and run away. The more Daryl withdrew, the more angry and abandoned
Samantha felt. The only thing to do was to rebuild the couple’s seven relationship skills. Tony

invited them on stage to undergo an exercise that would develop Daryl’s sense of commitment,
determination and heartfelt understanding.
As Daryl became more and more present for Samantha, she was able to communicate and to ask
him to account for his past behavior. He was able to admit his weaknesses and to show his
determination to change their lives. Tony invited her to express her greatest fears to Daryl
asking him to hold steady. She was able to express all of her fears until she had nothing more to
say. Only his love was left at this point and they embraced.
The exercise had allowed Samantha to express her feelings to Daryl and it gave Daryl an
opportunity to show his true strength. They now have a foundation of trust and self-expression
which can be the basis for growth, contribution and love.
Here are some assignments for anyone who wants to use the lessons of this film in their life and
relationship. There are two assignments each for men and for women.
For men:
The first assignment: Think of a time when your woman was trying to talk to you about
something that was important to her and you refused to listen or pretended to listen but were
not really present. Tell her you want to have that conversation again. And this time be present,
listen, don’t offer solutions unless she asks for them. Just tell her that you love her.
The second assignment: In the future, be alert to when your woman needs attention, to when
she needs you to listen and be present for her. She will let you know most probably in indirect
ways. Be watchful, be prepared and give her the presence and the love she needs.
For women:
First assignment: Be aware of how important it is for your man to feel that he can take care of
you and make you happy. The next time you think he is withdrawing from you, consider that
perhaps he feels frustrated. Give him ways to help you feel happy.
Second assignment: What has to happen for you to trust your man? Make a list. Think of
specific concrete things that your man can say or do that will lead you to feel greater trust. Tell
him.
Before and After
Tony: One of the things that people do when they watch a film like this is two things. They do
what you have experienced. The same people in the room did which is they stepped into your
bodies. You know like watching a move. You know you step into the character's body and you
go to their transformations. It is very, very powerful. But then the other question they have on
things is like, it will not really last and what I always try to explain to people is last is what you
do with something. But once you make a distinction, it never goes away. Has that been your
experience? Meaning, I’m sure you have your ups and downs. Everybody does in any
relationship. That’s called life but have you seen a difference in your both of your knowledge of
there is a place that we can get to where we can resolve things. How would you describe that?
What was it before? Were you growing before from your from your?
Sam: Oh, God, no.
Tony: What was that?

Sam: No, no, no. Just destruction. Just absolute destruction. You know I would—did, now I
don't hope so. You know I would drink what they call uhm… you know I would drink through
the week because of the kids—binge drink. I don't know if you can say that but binge drink you
know.
Tony: Great. Yeah, binge drink. Sure.
Sam: And I would want myself out. You know I have been throwing up in the morning and have
the shakes and stuff to wipe out all or to have the nerve and the balls and the guts to say you
know I don't like you. Apparently what I said on stage but…
[Laughter]
Sam: But I was sad enough.
Tony: You didn't need a drink that time.
Sam: Yeah, that’s right. So it would be that. Sorry.
Tony: But now what happens? Because it happens to everybody. Now what happens is you
grow through it. The difference is you don't go escape for the alcohol or what do you do
differently?
Sam: What we do differently is well… Go out a bike ride, for a start.
Daryl: Yeah, just recently, our health has been our number one priority.
Sam: Yeah.
Daryl: And we’re trying to educate the children as well.
Tony: That is great.
Daryl: So we went out. It was only two weeks ago, we went out and bought a bike for everyone
in the family. And we said let’s go and so every week now we’re taking the family out to bike ride
and it is fantastic. Kids love it and our fifteen-year-old well, he didn't want any part of it. But
since the first day he’s said come on, dad, let’s go out on the bikes. We did 14k the first day so
for…
Tony: Wow.
Daryl: Yeah, we were wrecked.
Tony: Wow. That was awesome.
Sam: And it was really interesting because Andrew being fifteen was taking on a lot of the role
of what Daryl was.
Tony: Yes.
Sam: And he became, what I saw in my head which I didn't see the distinction before you know
coming here like doing your seminars and whatnot was I was actually starting to really dislike
my son – how emotional was that – and really starting to hate him because every time I would
look at him, I would see him which because I didn't have a relationship with him, I was thinking,
"Oh, my God. I am going to grow up and hate my son." Andrew would just say something or
have the characteristics of Daryl and I would go off and even when I got to the drinking stage, I
was looking at Andrew going, "Oh, I just can't deal with it." So when Andrew said look I’m going
out and I said well, no, you have to do, actually do what mothers or whatever. You know
Andrew would say something. Straight away with I would throw it back because I was seeing
Daryl in him. I wasn't seeing Andrew for who he was an independent and just a teenager.
With the relationship you know as Daryl said with Andrew saying hey, do you want a bike ride?
They’d never had that. They had fought like lions and I always dreaded oh, no, you know
because I thought we, honestly we’d done the damage. What we were doing and how we were in
a family is not how we wanted our kids to be.
Tony: So your whole family has been shifted by this. Not just the two of you.
Sam: Oh, for sure. You know there’s a relationship there and you know they phone and you
know when they go out they phone which they never did before.
Tony: Well, why do you think that is? I am curious Daryl. What is the difference between you
and your son now? Is it that you have that centered place within yourself or how would you
describe it? Why do you think you have a better relationship with him now?
Daryl: I think growing up we never showed love you know. You shake hands with your dad,
that’s it. You know you never hug him and when you come to one of your seminars, you start
hugging men and then you’re going what’s going on here?
[Laughter]
Daryl: The funny thing is it’s enjoyable, like you bond so well with the guys like it’s amazing and
then when I got time I staered doing the same with my son and of course he does the same back
now. He doesn’t though when his mates are around. You know it is just a sly one but you know
he’s quite happy to hug me and I’m exceptionally happy to hug him back so to me that is such a
big move especially for me.
Sam: Before when we were having hassles. Our two sons used to every weekend, every weekend
without fail they’d be out. We’re having a sleep over, Mum. I’m like, "Okay, no worries." And
then it’d dawn on me and I’m thinking they’re not wanting to have a sleep over. They’re running
away from what was happening in the home. But now, it’s like, they come, their friends come to
our place. It’s like can they come sleep here? And I’m likr sure.
It’s just amazing. It’s just really, really, yes. We hit. All too new. In fact, well I don’t even think
we have ever had this feeling.
Tony: Really.
Solving the Real Problem
Tony: You know started out and you shared something with me which I ignored which had to
do with what’d I’d already read and knew about which is the abuse you have gone through and
so forth. Do you know why I ignored it?
Sam: No. Why?

Tony: Do you have a guess?
Sam: I probably do. Why would you ignore it? Because I don't think that was the deepest issue
that I had.
Tony: That’s right. I am glad you know that. That is right.
Sam: Yeah. It took me a while to realize that but it wasn't the deepest issue that I had. It was
an excuse for the behavior that I was playing and it took me a long time to realize that. It took
me, you know even in home life or how it was to Daryl or how it was to most men or even to the
kids. You know I overprotected because of what had happened and it’s just not healthy to do.
It’s really not healthy.
Tony: Well, I really. I can't tell how much I respect you and admire you for that because I knew
that, I saw that. I even had some people come up to me and say you didn't address this issue
and I said because that is not the real issue. Now I am glad to know that you got that clear
within yourself because you could make a change and not know the why or how. You didn't
know the why and how also. It is quite magical.
Sam: Yeah.
Tony: Now, what is it like for you as a man when you were standing up there? This woman is
going crazy.
Daryl: Once I realized that there was something to be said coming from Sam obviously that I
need to address, I thought well, I am here. All these people are obviously listening so we better
get it over and done with. When she started abusing me, I thought, "Yeah, well all this is so
typical." Yeah, to the extent I was in shock. I wasn't expecting anything like that. Just
something you whispered in my ear. You said love her anyway and I thought well, true. A
simple phrase like that and it changes the way you think instantly and I think that’s what got me
through it otherwise I would have been out.
Tony: When you started loving her anyway and you felt that, what changed in your body or in
your emotion in that moment because you could see it on camera. Right after that you would
see your whole face change, everything changed and then she no longer could hurt.
Daryl: I honestly don't know. People’d come up to me afterwards and asked the same question.
I honestly don’t know. It was – whether it was from my heart or I still do not know. But it was
something I’ve never experienced before and it was so amazing. It really was amazing.
Tony: And did you feel pride afterwards?
Daryl: Sure, sure.
Sam: Of course.
Sam: Why I wanted to hurt him? Who knows? Well, I know.
Tony: Of course you know why.
Sam: But it’s not there anymore.
Tony: Yeah, that is nice.

Sam: It’s not there anymore but at that stage and I guess that the best way was to let the world
know so to speak just what a freak he was. I got so angry and so I was thinking I’ll show
everybody just what a freak you were. But of course, it didn't work did that? Because you love
me anyway.
[Laughter]
Tony: Even right now look what it does to you to remember it. What was that like when you
really sensed that? How did you know he loved you anyway in those moments? What did you
get? Was it in his eyes? Was it in what he said? Was it in his state? What was it?
Sam: It was the calmness in his face like now. Just his eyes. Just the calmness. His heart
wasn't going a hundred miles an hour. He was just there.
Daryl: Thank you.
Sam: You’re welcome.
Sam: It’s definitely working because we can see the calmness at home. We’re sharing some
beers.
[Laughter]
Tony: That got a big smile on you.
Love and Respect
Tony: What do you respect in this man now as you look at him?
Sam: Respect.
Tony: What do you respect and what do you love in him?
Sam: I do respect his determination. Before I used to say anger and stubbornness and all that
kind of stuff but determination. He’s had the determination there and it was he has always had
to drive– but it was me that was holding it back through fear of failure, fear of whatever. And
whereas now, I just respect that he has got that determination and I respect that you are a
fantastic father even though I’ve probably driven through the years but you are. You give your
all and you’re always there for me. Always.
Tony: That is good. And what do you love about this man?
Sam: What do I love about him? He is kind of good in bed.
[Laughter]
Daryl: Yeah.
Sam: Can I say that?
Tony: There is no better compliment a man can be given.

Sam: What I mean is…
Daryl: We’re going to go now.
[laughter]
Sam: No, what I mean is that through the years we have always used sex as a shove the problem
under the blanket. You know I don't know if you do that but he – you know if there is any
problem you kind of zip it up and you don't talk about it. And we had that. We wouldn't talk to
each other for weeks. Weeks. I mean I got to a stage he would come back home from work and I
would have cleaned up and done all the dishes and he is being like where is his tea and why not
do it your bloody self? I didn't do his washing for two weeks. I didn't do his tea. Nothing,
nothing.
Tony: So you gave him minor signals of how you were feeling?
Sam: Yeah. So but then and then bedtime would come and you know the old touching I am not
going to close off. He hasn't treated me right so I am not going to give him what he wants and
then afterwards I’d think bugger that why the hell should I miss out? So we’d do it. But, sorry,
can I say that?
Tony: Yes, you can.
Sam: We would you know I think why? So we would do it but there would be silence. There
would be nothing. We would just be the motion. There wouldn't be any love or you know. I do
remember that he laid the money on the side and that was it you know. Whereas now, when I
say that he is good in bed, we’ve taken the time to know what we both want and what we both
need and you know just the touch before just going to the full you know ding-dong thanks,
ma'am. Tough thing, you know, so it is – that is what I mean by you are good in bed. I don’t
mean to you know think that you are fully fantastic.
Tony: How about for you? What do you respect about this woman? What do you love about
her?
Daryl: Definitely in the area of innrt beauty well, she has got amazing inner beauty. I never saw
it ever before. I always looked from the outside and go wow, she is fantastic looking but I never
saw the inside. Now, I’ve seen the inside. It’s definitely amazing. Just the love that she could
give to anyone whether they want it or not, it’s there. Now, it is amazing. Friends, family,
strangers. It’s just she can go up with someone, start a conversation and she can solve their
problem. She is going to be a –well someone that is just going to go and solve everyone’s—
you’re going to have to watch out.
[Laughter]
Tony: I am all for that.
Overcoming Abuse
Tony: I have one question for you. You asked me about how to get over an experience from
someone abusing you.
Sam: Yeah.

Tony: That was your original question. Do you know the answer now?
Sam: How do I overcome? Well, you just change your state and your physiology and you
change your belief structure and gone. Yeah.
Tony: And that process only happens when you live here and you live now. You know and when
you live here now you got all the view that you could ever want and when you try to live in the
past, everybody has got something. Some is worst than others and yours is horrific but I didn't
want to go back and revisit that and relive it because all you do is you reignite it. And it’s going
back to a movie and driving the grooves deeper and the more you don't go back there, the more
it is just this speck because what is real is now and what is real is love now. You have that.
Sam: Oh, yeah.
Tony: You don't have abuse now. You have love now. You have your children's love and your
man's love and your own love for yourself and the love you are feeling of being able to contribute
is a love of yourself.
Sam: Oh, for sure and I think that while the problems that I had was and what most people tend
to do is you know like he’d wake up and leave his toothpaste lid off or whatever. You know
stupid little things like leave his socks out. You know what? What the hell? You know you’re so
used to focusing on that rubbish stuff, you know on the bad stuff that you forget about the good
qualities and it has taken me awhile since day to actually you know when they came and you
know you say what kind, what is the best quality. It took me a long time to actually reprogram
myself to actually think to see the good in Daryl and our children for a start. You know they do
something wrong and they go they’re just like their father and not really take responsibility
myself. You know I am living in the house as well.
Tony: Yeah.
Sam: So now you see the good in everybody and it’s just wonderful so yeah. We have come a
long way.
Tony: Congratulations.

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Copyright  Robbins-Madanes Training

Transforming arguments – Sam & Daryl

Tony Anthony Robbins

Tony: I see. Now, how do you define controlling?

Sam: Did that hurt?

Sam: Number three: Significance.

File: Transforming arguments Page- 1 -

Tony: What’s your first name again?

Tony: Can I call you Sammy?

Sam: [shaking her head] No.

Tony: Do you have a middle name?

File: Transforming arguments Page- 2 -

Sam: No, it would be my mother.

Tony: Tell me about your mother.

Sam: [almost crying] I don't want to.

Sam: No, I don't.

Tony: Oh, yes, you do.

Sam: It was a long question. He didn't do a long question. He just answered.

Tony: Yeah, which part pissed you off the most?

Sam: That things can change in a heartbeat.

Tony: Then why would that piss you off?

Sam: No, because it hasn't. It doesn't.

Tony: It doesn't or it hasn't?

Sam: Because I tried for the past six weeks.

Tony: Is that his name?

File: Transforming arguments Page- 3 -

Sam: Pick it up?

Sam: I had been trying. I had been following through.

Tony: No, you picked it up.

Sam: Oh, for [0.08.54.6] sake.

Tony: Try to pick it up.

Sam: What do you mean?

File: Transforming arguments Page- 4 -

Sam: This has nothing to do with what I have been doing.

Sam: You are just agreeing with him.

Sam: No, I don't want to. I choose not to.

Sam: You’ve got no idea.

Sam: That is [0.11.36.2].

Sam: No, she left when I was twelve.

Sam: I don't have any memory past before I was sixteen.

Tony: Of your Mom. Okay, that is her.

Sam: Can I let go of the chair now?

Sam: Sixteen years.

File: Transforming arguments Page- 6 -

Sam: I don't know. I don’t—I don't really remember.

Tony: No. Do you love your father?

Tony: Okay. Do you hate your father?

Tony: Did he rape you?

Tony: Okay. And now how many times?

Sam: I got pregnant by him when I was fifteen.

Sam: I don't know.

Sam: No, he shuts up.

Tony: Yeah. So then you feel even more alone?

Sam: Yes, because he don't talk.

Sam: I don't want to talk about it.

File: Transforming arguments Page- 7 -

Tony: So you will not…

Tony: No, I understand. But he doesn't understand. I mean he understands intellectually I am

Sam: But I don't think about that.

Sam: [doubtfully] It could be.

File: Transforming arguments Page- 8 -

Sam: How would I know?