Bunga Bunga Island Mus(ca)t Read ‘Make or Break’ Break

Will Berlusconi 98-year-old Dubai to launch new

build theme park Omani villager is holiday package for
in Middle East? ‘next Stieg Larsson’ cheating footballers

www.panarabiaenquirer.com
@arabiaenquirer Friday April

Saudi to build West Bank

dedicated resort
for former despots
Developers forced to expand original plans
for Madinat al-Autocrat amid rising demand
JEDDAH: Saudi officials yesterday
unveiled plans for a dedicated resi-
dential resort set to house deposed
dictators – and rolled out the car-
pet for more of the world’s despots
who might be forced to consider
unexpected retirement.
Madinat al-Autocrat will be built
just south of Jeddah and, accord-
ing to the development reports,
will be the “world’s first luxury
complex solely for the use of its
foremost former dictators”, and
has already boasts Tunisia’s former
president Zine al Abidine Ben Ali
among its high-profile customers.
At the launch, Project manager
Ewan Hoosarmy laid out some of the
features that former dictators will be
able to enjoy. “Each private villa will
come with a garden large enough for
several statues, which can be com-
missioned for an extra fee,” he said,
adding that there would be regular
military parades, plus a specially
published daily newspaper filled
with stories about each deposed
despot’s magnificence.
Hoosarmy indicated that recent
troubles across the region forced
developers to drastically scale up
the original plans as worried des-
pots started making enquiries.
“We think we’re entering the
market at the right time,” he said.
“And the orders are coming in. One
client has asked if he could have
a Bedouin tent installed in the
garden with space for 70 virgins.”
Such bespoke arrangements, he
said, were available upon request.
“Just remember to bring your
stolen riches with you,” he scoffed.
“Because we’re not cheap!”
demands
balls back
Dozens of footballs kicked now
beyond Israel’s separation wall
JERUSALEM: Sporting ministers
in the West Bank today issued a
plea to the Israeli Defence Force to
please return their balls.
Dozen of footballs have been
carelessly kicked across the illegal
separation wall between the West
Bank and Israel over the past few
years and IDF soldiers have become
increasingly frustrated at having to
return them each time.
The IDF issued an official state-
ment in December last year declar-
ing the start of Operation Grumpy
Neighbour, a new security tactic
that instructed its border guards to
refuse return of any footballs, ten-
nis balls or frisbees that came over
Colonel Mustard Gaddafi is set to lose millions after he was the wall. Since then, several sources
dropped by Just For Men hair dye as their regional spokesman estimate that the amount of balls
kicked into the disputed territory
could have reached double figures.
“We can’t afford to keep buying

Brit finally leaves UAE Al-Qaeda launches our kids footballs,” said the Pales-
tinian Authorities Minister for Rec-

after 15 years of misery iPad application

Moaning expat packs his
bags following 1996 pledge
DUBAI: A city breathed a collective
sigh of relief today after Ian Peter-
son finally boarded a plane to Eng-
land vowing never to return.
Peterson, 45, a resident of Dubai
for the past 15 years, was renowned
throughout the emirate for his con-
tinuous complaining about life in
the city of dreams, declaring on just
day two, back in January 1996, that
he had enough.
Since then, Peterson has en-
joyed a luxurious lifestyle, living
reation, Aziz Zeetop. “Surely, it can’t
be that hard for the IDF to lob them
back over.”
out to a global audience,” said The IDF declined to comment,
across a series of high-end beach-
Group offers e-learning for spokesman Mark Sudbury. but commentators have speculated
side villas and dining weekly at
that the footballs were being im-
7-star brunches, while continuing those unable to visit camps Sudbury, speaking to The Pan-
pounded in the notorious lock-up
his campaign of blanket misery to Arabia Enquirer from a secret loca-
SOMEWHERE IN YEMEN: Global ter- tion in Yemen, said that Al-Qaeda’s known only as ‘The Shed’.
anyone within earshot.
“I hate it here, it’s so shallow and ror organisation Al-Qaeda yesterday operatives will be using the new ap-
superficial,” he would complain to launched its first official iPad appli- plication to interact and engage with
his Filipino housemaid, usually dur- cation, another tool with which it their fans. “But don’t go asking them
ing his twice-daily massages. hopes to convince the world of the where they are, because we’ve told
“There’s no culture. Or proper perils of western imperialism. them not to tell you,” he quipped.
bacon,” was another common beef. Al-QaedApp, which went live last Features include video feeds and
“You just couldn’t shut him up,”
said a former friend. “Whether it
night, gives users instant access to
the works of some of the most radi-
downloadable instruction manuals.
“Many of our followers have Eat
was about taxi drivers not speak-
ing English or having to stay up late
cal clerics in operation, with pod-
casts and even video streaming,
full-time jobs and can’t attend our
training camps. This way they can Shaw-
to watch the football, life never
seemed good enough for Ian.”
“Al-QaedApp is our latest and
greatest marketing product to take
learn from our expert trainers, but
in their own time,” said Sudbury. armas
98% of Western expats ‘baffled’ by toilet hose
A never-before-undertaken survey by The Pan-Arabia cent thought the hose was for washing small children,
Enquirer has revealed some shocking statistics about while 30 per cent believed it was an emergency water
life in the Middle East. supply should they become trapped in the bathroom.
Our research shows that 98 per cent of Western expats “I usually just use it to clean the back of the bowl,” ad-
across the region have “no idea” what the hoses found in mitted Abu Dhabi-based Australian Cherri Adair. “Is it re- Brought to you
by the Shawarma
toilets are meant to be used for. Of the 98 per cent, 7 per ally, for, well, you know? Christ, doesn’t that hurt?” Marketing Board

The Pan-Arabia Enquirer is - in case you weren’t sure - just a joke, intended solely to amuse. None of what we say is actually true.