TVs and Toasters

 At one point in history,

history, everyone in town
town made a big deal
deal about some
some guy who
had a toaster. "Wow! Johnson has a technological device known as a toaster!
 You put two slices of bread inin there, and bam!--15 hours
hours later, you've
you've got two
slices of toast! I'm gonna mortgage my home and my wife, and get my own
toaster."

Then TVs were invented. "Holy mackerel! Johnson has a television! Let's
make him mayor." And in 1952, everyone said, "Eisenhower has HBO. Let's
make him President."

Decades ago, Johnson would turn on his clunky, zero definition 14" black and
 white TV, flip over
over to the only channel on the air at 7 pm, and watch
watch some guy 
guy 
shovel snow for three hours. And he'd call out to his wife, "Honey. Bring over
some popcorn. They're showing bonus of coverage of the snow!"

But today, we're only willing to put up with two seconds of HD snow, and only 
if there are eight camera cuts during those two seconds, and there's music in
the background, and a reality TV star is offering commentary
commentary on the snow.
"Sometimes I like snow, but sometimes I don't." And people go to their
 basements, look
look at their old, outdated TVs, and yell at
at one, "I paid $1400 for
 you, you worthless
worthless piece of shit!
shit! Why don't you lose some weight
weight and become
become
a flat screen!"

In 2008, John McCain fell behind Obama in the polls, because he kept on
telling us, "Everyone--take a look at my toaster!" Then he tried to change his
image to a hip, modern guy--but he kind of messed it up. "Everyone, take a
look at my young, attractive, female running mate, Sarah Palin. We had her
over at our home this morning for breakfast. And we made toast on my 
toaster." Then he tried again. "Everyone, take a look at my new iPhone. I'm
gonna use it to make toast."

TVs have become way more complex over time. They used to just be, "Turn it
on. Flip through the channels. The End." But nowadays, they're more like,
"You want to watch TV? Press Input. No--you're using the wrong remote. Get
 your TV remote,
TV remote, and press Input. But don't select TV. Select HDMI 1. You
 want to watch Matlock? Press
Press Menu. No--you're
No--you're using the wrong
wrong remote.
remote. Use
 your cable box remote.
box remote. Oh--you want to watch a Matlock DVD? Press Input.
No--you're using the wrong remote. And the wrong TV . And you're in the
 wrong house. With
With the wrong
wrong wife. You have
have a Sony and you're married to to
Jenny--not a Samsung and a wife named Joanie. You live on Sonysung Street
in Springfield, Missouri--not Streetysung Road in Springfield,
Springfield, Massachusetts.
Holy shit you're lost! Put down all of your remotes, go 1300 miles southwest,
kiss your wife Jenny, get your TV remote,
remote, press Input, select HDMI 3, put
 your Matlock DVD in the player,
player, sit down, take
take a sip of your beer, and press
press
play. No--you're using the wrong remote. You know what? Fuck Matlock. Go
read a book or eat a piece of fruit."

Some people have to call tech support and ask, "How do I turn on my TV?"
Sometimes the caller has a cable box remote, and he needs to find a missing
TV remote. Ten minutes into his scavenger hunt,
hunt, his wife walks into the room
and says, "Honey--I'm in labor," and he replies, "OK--I'll meet you at the
hospital after I find the remote and turn on the TV." He finds the remote a half 
hour later-and he's so sweaty and out of breath, the tech support guy ends up
coaching him on Lamaze breathing.
breathing. "OK, sir. Press Input while you're
 breathing in, and select HDMI1
HDMI1 while you're
you're breathing
breathing out."

 When you're on the phone

phone with a tech
tech support guy,
guy, he knows so much more
more
than you, that you become willing to do whatever he says--like he's your cult
leader. [Support:]
[Support:] "OK, sir. While holding down the Power button on your
Cable Box remote, use your other hand to hold down the SAP button on your
TV set, put your left foot on yellow, Simon says put your right foot in a bowl of 
milk. [Customer:] "Should I use whole milk or lowfat?" [Support:] "Sir--that
depends. Is your Tivo HD compatible?"

 And these days,

days, sometimes people
people have
have conversations
conversations like this: [Person
[Person 1:]
"What did you do yesterday?" [Person 2:] "Well, I went to Santa Barbara with
the wife. We saw that new Tom Hanks movie. We went rollerblading for an
hour. And we ate some fresh halibut from that restaurant my cousin owns.
 What did you do
do yesterday?" [Person
[Person 1:] "Uh, well,
well, I turned on my TV. It took 
took 
eleven hours. And then I watched TV for five hours. And then my wife came
home with a baby boy. We named him Matlock."

Not only have TVs become more common and complex over time, their
programming has changed a lot.
On Leave
On Leave it to Beaver
Beaver,, every episode has some sort of a moral. But on Two
and a Half Men,
Men, only 10% of the episodes have a moral. And that moral is,
"Dude--if you have money, you should hire a prostitute."

Here's a better example of TV changing. On Friends

On  Friends,, there's one episode
 where Chandler
Chandler lights a cigarette,
cigarette, and
and everyone else
else immediately
immediately checks
checks him
into rehab. But on I
on I Love Lucy,
Lucy, the characters smoke 18.7% of the time they're
on screen. In one episode, Little Ricky says, "Mommy--can I have dessert?"
 And then Lucy
Lucy replies, "Not until you've eaten
eaten your mashed
mashed potatoes
potatoes and
smoked your cigarettes." Then she puts a cigarette in his mouth, lights it up,
and says to the camera, "Philip Morris cigarettes.
cigarettes. Mild, mellow, and loaded
 with love, vitamins,
vitamins, meat, vegetables,
vegetables, and
and minerals. Every
Every day, I make
make sure
Little Ricky smokes two and a half packs."

Nowadays, there's
there's no smoking on TV, or in PG or PG-13 movies.
movies. Smoking is
rated R. But murder is PG. Unless, of course, a smoker gets murdered. That
lowers the rating to G. After all, kids need to see smokers dying. Have you seen
that new children's movie about a vegan superhero who drives a hybrid, and
goes around town ripping out the lungs of smokers? He also runs a "cigarette
" cigarettess
for guns" program. Bring in a pack of Marlboros, walk away with a rifle. Bring
in a carton of Marlboros, walk away with a an AK-47. And a bowl of raw, vegan
soup.

The media has gone from pro-cigarette to anti-cigarette. The same thing
happened with chest hair. At one point, the media showed hairy chests
on Three's Company,
Company, Magnum PI , Reading Rainbow
Rainbow,, and of course, Alec
Baldwin. In 1990, a Hollywood executive told his employees, "This year, Alec
Baldwin's bare chest is gonna play the lead in all of our movies. Like our
remake of Gandhi 
of Gandhi . We'll make it so that Alec's chest hair wins India its
independence." Five years later, Alec said to James Lipton, "When I watched
that bedroom scene in Gandhi  where I take
take off my shirt,
shirt, put it back on, and
then take it off again, that's when I knew I was a great actor."

But today's actors must have smooth chests or keep a shirt on at all times.
 When Brad Pitt
Pitt tried to bring back
back the hairy
hairy chest in 2007,
2007, people acted
acted like
he pulled out a cigarette and sforced his son Maddox to start smoking it.

But again, movies and TV shows have changed a lot. Even recently. Look at
TLC, or The Learning Channel. Starting in the early 90s, any time they made
their shows a little less educational, their ratings went up 3%. And yesterday,
y esterday,
 their head of programming told their CEO, "OK. Now all of our shows are
completely uneducational from top to bottom. According to our research, if we
 want to increase
increase our ratings again,
again, we need to suck education
education out of people's
people's
 brains by showing them
them a guy named
named JT tipping
tipping over a medium
medium brown cow 
 while hitting himself
himself in the
the head with a yellow hammer
hammer and yelling
yelling at his
daughter Luannafanna for drinking all of his best whiskey. We'll also have a
show where we waterboard our Vice President for having a Harvard degree.
[Alternate: We'll also have a show where you guys waterboard me for having a
Harvard degree.]"

 A lot of channels
channels have increased
increased their ratings
ratings by not doing what
what they first set
set
out to do. Yesterday, I flipped through the channels for an hour--and on TLC,
a four year in Texas got a makeover; on MTV, a 24 year old in Jersey got a
spray on tan; on the Biography Channel, a redneck in Alabama made a cheese
sandwich for a ghost living in his trailer; and on the Disney Channel, the
Hernandez family won 10,000 pesos on El Salvadorian Family Feud.

Nowadays, a lot of channels focus in on the latest TV craze: reality shows.

I have an idea for a reality show where a bunch of librarians trade places with
a biker gang for two weeks. I call the show This
show  This is Fucking Stupid. Don't 
Watch It .

Reality shows are best known for introducing us to one Kimbelry Kardashian
of Los Angeles, California. Barack Obama has three siblings, and only a
million Americans even know their names. Kim Kardashian has nine siblings,
and 50 million teens and preteens know what they put in their Chipotle
 burrito last Wednesday.
Wednesday. Kim Kardashia
Kardashian
n is so famous, that
that she made every 
member of her family famous by extension. Khloe Kardashian is a celebrity.
Rob Kardashian is a celebrity. George Obama is a baggage handler. Whenever
a paparazzi photographer sees George Obama, he says, "Get out of the way!
I'm trying to take a picture of Jose Kardashian." [George Obama:] "But I'm
Barack Obama's brother." [Paparazzi:] "Good! After I'm done taking pictures
of Jose, remind me to kick your ass for being a worthless nobody! Go back to
Kenya before we take you down to the E! Network studios and waterboard
 you!"

 America has chosen

chosen the Kardashians
Kardashians over
over the Obamas.
Obamas. Every morning,
morning, all
students recite this pledge of allegiance at school: "I pledge allegiance to the
Flag of the United States of America, and to the Republic for which it stands,
one Nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty, Kim, Kourtney, Khloe, Rob,
Kendall, Kylie, Cassandra, Burton, Brandon, Brody, Jose, and justice for all.
New episodes on Sundays, at 9 o'clock, 8 central. Only on E!"

 And then of course,

course, there's
there's Paris Hilton's
Hilton's reality show on
on channel 970
970 from
3:30 to 3:35 am. On the last episode, Paris called her publicist and said, "This
is bullshit! I'm less famous than Kim Kardashian's
Kardashian's third cousin, Billy Bob
Kardashian! And when I Google 'Paris,' all of the results are about some stupid
city in France."

On the fame hierarchy, President Obama doesn't rank as high as Kim

Kardashian. And on the power hierarchy, he doesn't rank as high as Oprah
 Winfrey. In fact,
fact, Oprah's the
the one who got Obama elected.
elected. She
She promoted
promoted him
 back during the
the election, and
and she basically
basically made him
him President instead
instead of 
Hilary Clinton or John McCain. It's like Oprah has 200 electoral votes.
Nowadays, if you want to become President,
President, you really need to win Florida,
Ohio, and Oprah. Once we added Oprah to the system, we lost all of those
check and balance thingies. Remember those? We need an amendment that
limits Oprah's power. And we need to let our Senators vote anonmyously on
that amendment. Otherwise they'll think, "If I vote yes on the anti-Oprah
amendment, Dr. Phil and Dr. Oz will show up at my office and beat my ass."

 Any time Oprah

Oprah says she likes
likes something,
something, millions of people
people throw a parade.
One day they're singing, "Oprah likes Obama." And another day, it's, "Oprah
likes pancakes." You know those parents who are obsessed with their kids and
almost everything they do? Even they don't go that far. [Mother:] "Oh--
Johnny likes Obama and pancakes? I don't give a shit. I'm trying to watch
Oprah. ... Oh--Oprah likes cupcakes? Let's throw a parade. 'Oprah likes
cupcakes.'"

Oprah can make any book a bestseller, just by spending five seconds
recommending it. And if she puts out an autobiography, it'll become the best
seller of all time--even if the title is  Mein Kampf 
Kampf . What'll happen if Oprah
starts drinking her urine? I can just imagine millions of people watching
Oprah, Dr. Oz, and Dr. Phil, reading Oprah's Mein
Oprah's Mein Kampf , drinking Oprah's
urine, and throwing seven parades a day. "Oprah took a piss / Oprah took a
piss."

Some TV shows entertain you. Some educate you. Some do both. And some do
neither. Like the local news.
 This is what you get when you watch the local news: "It's hot today. Wear a T-
shirt, instead of a wool winter jacket. Also, according to the internet, it's going
to be hot again tomorrow. And since weather is so fascinating, we're going to
mention how it's hot in Hawaii and cold in Cleveland." "Britney Spears bought
new shoes." "This company went bankrupt." "Britney Spears put on her new 
shoes." "Did we mention that it's going to be hot tomorrow?" "Some new 
horseshit movie about vampires was just released. You should go see it, you
dumb idiot." "According to a new study, eating fruits and vegetable is better
than eating donuts and Doritos." "Everyone wants to kill you." "According to a
new study, my ear itches." "Don't forget about the weather." "Santa Barbara
 just changed its dog poop laws.
laws. Now, you can
can only leave your dog's poop
poop on
the ground for 85 seconds, and not 80 seconds. This is fascinating stuff.
Everyone take notes." "The weather. You need to know about the weather."
"Brad Pitt." "Weather."
"Weather." "Jennifer Anniston." "Weather." "Q-tips." "Weather."
"Weather." "Weather."
"Weather." "Holy shit! Britney Spears is engaged! And by the way--
it's gonna be hot tomorrow!"

 Why do people
people watch
watch the news? Some
Some of them
them are drawn
drawn in by those teasers
teasers
the news uses. "Did Taylor Swift die of a drug overdose after robbing a bank 
and calling someone the n-word? You're gonna find that shit out later on
 Action Five News--even
News--even though
though you want
want to watch Family
watch Family Matters
Matters on channel
47. You're not going anywhere, buddy. After all, Taylor Swift." Then, 55
minutes into the program, "Did Taylor Swift die of a drug overdose after
robbing a bank anc calling someone the n-word? Not quite. But she did get
home last night at 3 AM. That's pretty late. And she was wearing a lot of 
makeup. She should wear less makeup. ... OK. Thanks for tuning in to Action
Five News. We'll see you tomorrow."

Some people are very eager to tell you that they don't watch TV. "Did I
 watch Dancing
 watch Dancing with
with the Stars last night? No. I don't have a TV in my home. In
the space where you have a TV, I have a magenta wall that I stare at for an
hour a day, while I think about Immanuel Kant, Walt Whitman, dandelions,
and recycled orange peels. The other day, I drew a Venn diagram on my wall.
One circle represents people who watch TV. The other circle represents people
 who are fucking
fucking idiots. The twotwo circles overlap
overlap 99.9%.
99.9%. I don't need
need TV. I have
have
an interesting, fulfilling life. Instead of watching the E! Network to see if Kim
Kardashian plucked her eyebrows, I'm going to go outside and suck out all the
marrow of life. That's a Walden reference. Walden is a book, by the way--
 you Dancing
 you Dancing with
with the Stars watching waste of space. There's only one TV 
 show I would watch. A reality show where they take people who
 watch Dancing
 watch Dancing with
with the Stars,
Stars, and beat them over the head with hardcover
copies of Walden
of Walden."
."

Sometimes TV itself insults you. On weekday afternoons, there are always a

 bunch of commercials
commercials for educational
educational programs. They're
They're like,
like, "Look at you.
 You're sitting at home watching
watching Judge
 Judge Judy
Judy--as usual. Big surprise! Uh--
here's a suggestion. Take a shower, and get a job." Then you see commercials
commercials
for Pop Tarts, Budweiser, and Aladdin Bail Bonds. It's like they're saying,
"Listen, you fat, alcoholic criminal. Instead of watching Judge
watching Judge Judy
Judy and
sticking another Pop Tart in the toaster, how about you put your toaster in the
 bathtub and kill yourself?"
yourself?"

Some daytime talk shows constantly ask you who you are. Before and after a
commercial
commercial break, they ask you a different question, like, "Are you a fat,
alcoholic criminal dating
dating a stripper you once handcuffed
handcuffed to a bike rack? If so,
 we want you on our
our show." It's like
like a game of Bingo. Some people
people hear
hear that
that and say, "Fat-18, Stripper-28, bike rack-53. Bingo! That's me! I got to call
up Jerry."

Sometimes after Maury Povich tells one of his guests, "According to the DNA 
test, you are the father," the guy offers a counterargument. "Listen, Maury. My 
friend Ron has a daughter who loves oranges--and
oranges--and Ron also loves oranges. My 
cousin Tony has a son who loves cucumbers--and Tony also loves cucumbers.
My so-called daughter loves split peas. Look at the split pea evidence, Maury.
Pick up the phone, call Safeway, and ask them if I've ever bought a split pea, a
regular pea, a teepee, or any other pea. Check all of my records--and you'll find
ten misdemeanors, zero peas, and one felony. That little girl is not my 
daughter."

I think Maury's show is very educational. I know I've learned a lot from it.
Here's one of the main lessons: Not only is truth stranger than fiction, it's also
having an affair with fiction's best friend. But don't blame truth. Maybe if 
fiction actually treated truth decently and paid it some attention, it wouldn't
have to get what it needs somewhere else.

The most educational show on TV is Jeopardy

is Jeopardy.. Because it makes you learn
about how arrogant you are. Any time you know something, you think, "Yes!
I'm a genius. This confirms it! After all, I'm the only one who knew that
Christina Aguilera is half-Ecuadorian. Becker, Emily, and Kent didn't know 
that." And any time the contestants know something that you don't, you think,
"Only someone with no life would know that E equals MC squared. I live an
actual life. I go to the beach, and Christina Aguilera concerts. Becker, Emily,
and Kent spend all day reading books. I don't. It's been five years since
s ince I've
even looked at a book!"

The other day, I saw an interview where Judge Judy was asked how she
 became a court
court show host, and
and the highest
highest paid person
person on TV. And she
she said,
"Well--I spent the first 25 years of my marriage letting my husband know what
a dumb son of a bitch he is. And then I thought, 'I'm really good at this. I
should do it professionally. In court. On TV. For $50 million a year.'"

Even though I don't hablo that much espanol, I watch a lot of Spanish soap
operas--purely
operas--purely for the overdramatic
overdramatic everything. One guy says,
s ays, "Why are you so
upset? She's only three minutes late." And the other guy responds, "¡What do
 you mean 'why!'
'why!' ¡You know damn
damn well why!
why! ¡Look at our script! ¡We've
¡We've got
double exclamation
exclamation points! ¡ Before
 Before a sentence, after a sentence! ¡Dos! ¡Dos
puntos de exclamation!"
exclamation!"

 A few days ago, I sawsaw a show called

called The Talk.
Talk. It's basically just a copy of The
of The
View.
View. I wonder how they pitched that show to the network. Someone said,
"It's a lot like The View.
View. Except, you know how The
how  The View is really shitty? Well,
our show is gonna be even shittier. I think that's what TV is missing. That's
 what the American publicpublic needs. A shittier
shittier version of The
of The View,
View, starring
people who are even more annoying than Whoopi Goldberg and Joy Behar.
That's gonna make us a lot of money. And as an added bonus, if it really takes
off, it'll lead to the complete destruction of society."

Remember when Bob Saget was on Full on  Full House and America's

and America's Funniest
Funniest Home
Videos?
Videos? How come he didn't get his ass kicked 10 or 20 times a day? Did
people come across him and say to each other, "There's that son of a bitch
on Full
on Full House and America's
and America's Funniest Home Home Videos.
Videos. You know what?
Let's not kick
not kick his ass." I still want to kick his ass--and
ass --and he hasn't
hasn't been on TV in
 years.

I actually watch a lot of  Full

 Full House.
House. But I change the channel right before
everything is resolved during an episode's last five minutes. Stephanie is still
mad at DJ, Michelle's new pet mule is eating everything in the backyard, Uncle
Jesse is naked and handcuffed to his ex-girlfriend's toilet pipe, and Danny is
shooting heroin with Kimmy Gibbler.
 What is it like for
for Ray Romano's
Romano's wife when she
she gets in a fight
fight with him,
him, and
then she flips through the channels afterwards and sees Everybody
sees  Everybody Loves
Loves
 Raymond on
 Raymond on channels 5, 13, 20, and 28? She thinks, "Everybody loves
Raymond? I beg to differ. Not everyone loves that son of a bitch. Otherwise, he
 wouldn't be sleeping
sleeping on the couch
couch tonight."
tonight."

One thing I can't stand about sitcoms is the how the audience's laughter is
anonymous. I mean, if some guy's not laughing at the parts I find funny, or
laughing at the parts I don't find funny, I want to know who he is. That's why I
attend live tapings of sitcoms. Then I follow some guy home, I get out of my 
car with my baseball bat, and I tell him, "How the hell did you not laugh when
Koothrappali made that curry masala joke about Sheldon's hat?! That was
freakin' hilarious! You have a terrible sense of humor. Give me your wallet!"
 And then I track
track down Kim Kardashian
Kardashian and
and tell her, "You're crazy
crazy for taking
Khloe's side over Khourtney's! Give me your purse!"

How come the average sitcom contains 15 white people, 2 black people, and 1
other person; while the average sociology textbook has pictures of 3
 Americans, 38 Peruvians, 125 Ugandans,
Ugandans, and 1500
1500 Indonesians? Even in a
textbook on US History, there are two pictures of George Washington, and five
pictures of an Indonesian woman named Whulandary. Textbook editors
should have veto power over TV networks--so we'll have some diversity on TV.
" Mike & Molly?
Molly? No. Miguel
No. Miguel y Whulandary
Whulandary.. Sesame Street ? Uh Uh. Cesar
Chavez Avenue."
Avenue."

I moved into a new apartment a few months ago, and I did some research
online to see if I should get TV service from Time Warner Cable, DirectTV, or
DISH Network. And it turns out at they're the three most hated companies in
 world history. They
They pretty much
much form the
the TV Axis of Evil.
Evil. I went through
through some
reviews of Time Warner Cable, and I thought, "Everyone hates them. I gotta
use someone else." And then the same thing happened with DirectTV and
DISH Network. So here's what I did: I picked up my TV, and threw it off my 
 balcony. Actually,
Actually, here's what
what I did: I watched
watched TV through
through anan antenna--the
same way our ancestors did when they got off of the Mayflower. No guide, no
DVR, not that many channels. And for some reason, I had to use a hand crank 
to power the TV, and I had to use a butter churner to colorize it. But later, I
gave in, and ordered service from a company in the Axis of Evil. They told me
they'd come over and install everything at some point between 10 am and 2
pm. And of course, I said, "Actually--I'm gonna be pretty busy that day. Can
 you make it between
between 8 am and 4 pm?
pm? Or better yet, just sell your
your company to
someone who isn't a complete piece of shit--and then he'll send someone over
to my house when I get home from work at 7 pm."