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.
 L O ND O N
PR I NT E D B Y SA M U E L BE NT L E Y
,

B ango r H o u s e, S h o e L an e
 TH E C OM I C

E N GL I S H G R A M M A R ;

A N E W AN D F A C E T IO U Q

li n tr oh u ct wn to the fin g l t s f) fion g u c .

B Y TH E A U TH OR OF T HE C OM IC L A TI N G R A M M AR

E EL LI S E
M B H D

W
I WTH U P A R DS OF F I F T Y C H A R A C T E R I S T I C I L L U S T R A T I ON S BY J L EE C H

W
L O N D ON
R I C HA R D B E N TL EY , N E B U R L I N GTON S TR E ET .

1 8 40 .
 TO M R . G E OR G E R OBI N S,
A W it e r r u n ri v al l ed i n t h is or an y o t h e r A g e fo r

O RIGI N AL I TY OF S TYL E
AN ,

( if t h e p essio n may be pa do n e d ) q i t m and a D e t e it y i n t h U

unpa allele d ; W
e x r q r u e u u e, x r e se

or M ar a p n o n h ose mlt f i and subl i me—i t would t

r u r ar o u s no

be t mu h t say t alen t ed — C O O I IO woul d i t may be fea lessly

oo c o M P S T N S ,
r

asse t ed fl d an y r , a or
‘

E N TE RP R I S I N G P U B L I S H ER

a t e e y day t b mt wi t h an d t in h u y t b eli n quis h ed pp

no -
v r - -
o - e- e -
, n o a- rr o - e- r o or

t ty f an uni or

E L I G I B L E I N V E S TM E N T OF C A P I TA L ,

fo m i ng a P ope t y w h i h unde j udi c ious managemen t would soon be c ome

r r r c , r ,

en t i led t t h well me i t ed appellat io n of a

t o e -
r

P RI N C E LY D OM A I N
wl n c h wi t h ou t e c i t ing a blus h in t h mi n d of e a c i ty mig h t be said ( in a
, x e v r ,

l i t e a y poin t of iew ) be fe t ilised by a meande ing i ule t of Poe t y

r r v to r r r v r ,

ompa able f B eauty and P i c t es q ue E ff e t t

c r or ur c o

TH E S I LV E R Y S TREA M OF TH E I S I S ;

w h ose ich ness ( eq ualled only by h is fideli t y ) of des ip ti on p esen t ing a

r cr r re

hm
,

f
r es g con t as t t h s t yle of hi s a ious compee s p e clu d es t h at t emp t
r t o e v r r , r e

t pe pe t a t e a panegy i c o t h e wi se t h an by assuming t h r espon s i bil i y d

r e r t an

isk of applyi n g t h mt h wo ds of
o r r ,

r o i e r ou r

IMM O R TAL B A RD
T ak e h im f all in all or
W e n e e s h all see h i l i k e again ’
r s .

Thi s li tt le T eat ise r on

C OM I C ENGLI SH
is wit h
, th e mo t p ofound
s r V E E N R A T ON I , An m r n a 'r ro x , n ay e e n wi t h
, v

R E S P E C T ( an d t h e t er m i s use d ad isedly
v
”
)
h umbly dedi c at ed
by
mm
os s
'
t OB L IG ED AN D m o sr
'

o aan ra xr
'
SER V AN T ,

TH E A U TH OR .
 P R E F A C E .

IT may be considered a strange wish on the part

of

donkey s g all o p
th at ou r
’

o wn
,

. W
an A uthor to h ave his pre face c o mpared to a
e are ne v ertheless desirous
should be considered both short
an d sweet . For o u r part indeed we would h ave
, ,

every pre face as sho rt as an o rato r s cough t o ’

,

which in purp o se it is s o ne arly like ; but

, ,

Fashi o n requires and like the rest o f her sex

, ,

requires beca u s e s h e requires th at befo re a writer

,

begins the business o f his bo o k he should give ,

an cc o unt t o the w o rld o f his re asons for pro

a
.

d u ci n g it ; and therefo re to avoid singularity, ,

we shall pr o ceed with the statement of our o w n ,

excepting o nly a few private o nes which

, ar e

neither here nor there .

 P RE F ACE .

To ad vance the interests of mankind by pro

mti o n
g the c ause of E ducati o n ; to ameliorate the
conversation o f the masses ; t o cultivate Taste and ,

di ff use R efinement ; these are the objects which

we have in vie w in subm itting a C o mic E nglish
G rammar t o the patronage o f a discerning Public .

N o r have we been actuated by philanthropic m o

t i ves
alone but also by a regard to P atriotism
, ,

which as it has been pron o unced o n high au th o

,

rity to be the l ast refuge o f a scoundrel must ,

necessarily be the first concern o f an aspiring and

disinterested mind . We felt o urselves c alled up o n
to do as much at least , , fo r M o dern E ngland as

we h ad befo re done for Ancient R o me ; and having

been considered by competent j udges to have i n
fused a little liveliness into a dead language we ,

were bold enough to h o pe that we might extract

s o me amusement from a living one .

F ew persons there are whose ears are , so ex

t re mly
btuse as n o t to be frequently annoyed
e o ,

at the violations o f G rammar by which they ar e

so o ften assailed It i s really p ainful t o be fo rced
.
,

in walking along the streets to hear such phrases ,

as , That ’
er e ho mib n u s .
”
Where ’
ve you bi n .
”
 P RE F ACE . ix
”
Vat the h o dds ? and the like Very dreadful
’
s .

expressions are also used by draymen and others

in addressing their h o rses
Wh at can possibly .

”
induce a human being to s ay “
G ee w o ot !
“" ”
M ather way ! or Woa not to menti o n
the atroci o us maup of the ignorant and
Ki
degraded ncostermo ger We nce actually heard
. o

”
a fell o w threaten to pitch int o his do g ! mean
ing we believe t o beat the animal
, , .

It is n o to rious that the above and greater enor

m
iti es are perpetrated in spite of the number of

G ramm ars alre ady befo re the world . This fact

sufficiently excuses the present additi o n to the
stock ; and as seri o us E ngl ish G rammars have
hithert o failed t o e ff ect the desired reformation we ,

are induced to attempt it by means of a C omic on e .

With regard to the m oral tendency o f o u r

lab o urs we ma
y here
, be permitted to remark ,

th at they will tend if successfu l to the

, , su pp r es

sion o f ev i l speak i ng .

We shall only add that as the Spartans used

,

to exhibit a tipsy slave t o their children with a

view to disgust them with drunkenness , so we ,

by giving a few examples here and there , of in

X P R E F ACE .

correct phraseology shall expose in their naked

, ,

de formity the vices

,
of speech to the ingenuous
reader .
 LIST OF I L L U S T R A T I ON S .

F R O N TIS P IE C E .

M I N ERV A TEA CH I N G
J OH N B U L L

W
TH E
“
P R O DI G Y
J A N E Y O U KN O W HO
“

M U TES A N D QU I DS LI

A W KW ARD L O U T
H A ! H A ! H A ! HO ! H ! H 0 ! H E ! H E ! H E '
0
“
O ! W H A T A L A ax l— H ERE W E ARE !
, , , ,
”

A L I B OR ON TI H OS CO HOR M I O A N D CH R O N O N HO TO N THO L OGO S

D P P

S IN G L E B LE SSED N ESS
A PP L E SA U C E
M A TI L DA
A S OC I ALIS T
“
S H A N T I S H I N E TO N I GH T DEAR ?
’
,

J U LIA
A V ERY B A D C ASE
A SELE C T V ES TRY
SEL F ES TEE M
-

F ACT MADAM ,
“
G RA C I O U S M A J O R , .

YEARS o r DIS C RE TI O N
“
I S H ALL G I V E Y O U A D R U E B I N G ! ”
 L I ST OF I LLU S T R A T I ON S .

A COM I C AL C O NJ U N C TI O N
“
AS W ELL A s C A N B E E XP E C TED
HO W S Y O U R I N S P E C TO R !
’ ”

“
W H A T A D U C K OF A M A N ! ”

TH E F L I R T

TH E C A P TAI N

T H E D U K E OF W E L L I N G TO N
“
OH ! Y O U GOO D FO R N O TH I N G M A N
- - I
0
n

TH E Y O U N G G E N TL E M A N

V IR TU E S RE W AR D
’ ”

“
N OT To M I N C E M A TTERS ,
M ISS I L O V E Y O U
,

TH E F RE N CH M AR QU IS

TH E E N G A G E D O N ES
“

TH E LADIES !
“ ”

H I T O N E OF Y O U R O W N SI ! E
“
.

ALL FO R L O V E
TALE OF A TU B
“

W
“
A RES P E C TA B L E M A N
D O I N G W H A T YOU LI KE W I TH Y O U R O N
“
W H A T A L I TTLE DEAR ! ”

B R U TU S

W
TH E T O D O V ES

TH E N AS TY L I TTL E S QU ALLI N G B RA T
“

“
OH J E M I M A
,

L O V E A N D M U R D ER
S TA N D I N G O N P O I N TS
“
W H ERE G OT S T THO U THA T GOO SE ?
’
2 P R EL IMI N AR Y D I CO S URSE .

made upon the two first subj ects Those whic h .

the remaining o n e aff o rds we shall proceed to ,

consider .

Suicide fo r instance is looked upon by M r

, , .

B ul l with a very different eye from that with which

his neighbours regard it A s t o an abortive at .

tempt thereat it excites i n his mind unmitigated

,

ridicule instead o f interest an d sympathy I n

, .

Paris a foolish fellow discontented wi t h the

m
,

world o r more probably failing in so e attempt

, , ,

to make himself c o nspicuous ties a brickbat to ,

his neck and j umps at twelve O clock o f the day

, ,
’
,

into the Seine He thereby excites great admi

.

ration i n the minds of the bystanders ; but were

he t o pl ay the same trick o n L ondon Bridge as ,

so o n as he had been pulled o u t o f the water he

w o uld only h e laughed at fo r his p ains .

There was a certain gentleman an O fficer in ,

the navy o n e L ieutenant L u ff ; at least we have

,

never heard the fact o f his existence disputed ;

who used to spend all his time in drinking grog ;
and at l ast when he c o uld get no m o re thought
, ,

proper t o shoot himself thr o ugh the chest I n .

France he would have been buried in P ér e L a

C haise o r some such place an d would have had
, ,

an o de w ritten to his memory A s his native .

country however w as the scene o f h i s exploi t,

, ,
 P R E L IMI N A R Y DI SCO U R SE .

he was interred fo r the affair happened some

,

years ago in a cross r o ad ; and his fate has been

,
-

made t h e subject of a c o mic song .

That o u r countrymen regard Death as a jest ,

no o n e who considers their bravery in war o r

their appetite in pe ace can possibly doubt A nd ,
.

”
the expressions “ to h o p the twig
,
to kick the ,

” “ ” “
bucket , t o go o ff the hooks to turn up the ,

”
toes and s o o n vernacularly used as synonymous
, ,

”
with “
to expire su fficiently S h o w the j o cular
,

light in which the last act o f the farce o f L ife

is viewed in Her M ajesty s d o mini o ns ’
.

A n executi o n is l o o ked up o n abroad as a s e

ri o ns aff air ; but w ith us it is quite another mat
ter C apit al punishments whatever they may be
.
,

to the su ff erers ar e t o the spectators if we may

, ,

j udge from their behaviour little else than ca ,

pital j o kes The terms which in common dis

.
,

course are used by the humble classes to denote

,

”
the pensile state n amely dancing on n o thing
, , ,
”
having a dr o p t o o m uch or being troubled ,
”
with a line ar e quite pl ayful and the L ast
,
“
,
”
Dying Speech o f the crimin al is usu ally a s pe
cies Of c o mp o siti o n which might well be c alled
A n E ntert aining Narrative illustrated with Hu
mo u r o u s Designs .

The play o f G e o rge Barnwell in which a de ,

4 P R EL IM I NA R Y DI SCO U RSE .

l u ded
’
linendraper s apprentice commits a horrid
murder o n the body o f a pious uncle excites , ,

whenever it is represented as much amusement ,

as if it were a c o m ed ; and there is also a b allad

y
'

det ailing the same circumstances which when , ,

sung at convivi al meetings is productive o f much ,

merr iment Billy Taylor too another ballad Of

.
, ,

the same sort celebrates in j ocund strains an

, , ,

act o f unj ustifiable h o micide .

E ven the terr o rs o f the other world ar e con

v erted ,in G reat Britain into the dro lleries o f ,

this The awful apparitions o f the unfo rtunate

.

M iss Bailey and the equally unfortunate M r

, .

G iles Scr o ggins have each o f them furnished the

,

materials Of a comical ditty ; and the terrific ap

ear an ce o f the G host o f a Sheep s Head t o one
’

p
—
William White a pr o digy which w o uld be con
,

s i der ed in G ermany as fearful in the extreme ,

has been applied by some popular but anonymous

,

writer t o the same purpose The b o dily abla

, .

ti o n o f an unprincipled exciseman by the Prince

o f D arkness a circumstance in itself certainly o f
,

a serious nature h as been r ec o rded by one o f

,

o u r greatest p o ets in strains by n o means r e

markable for gravity The appellation “
O ld.
,

”
N ick , applied by the vulgar to the Prince in
question i s in every sense o f the words a nick
, , ,
 P R EL IMI N A R Y D ISCO UR SE .

n ame ; and the ali ases by which like many o f his ,

subj ects he is also c alled and kn o w n such as

, ,

”
O ld Scratch Old Harry ,
or The O ld ,

”
G entlem an are to s ay the very least o f them
, , ,

terms th at b o rder o n the famili ar .

I n t h e p o pular drama o f P u n ch ’le

we Observe a ,

It m a
y b s ai d t h at P un ch i s
e a f e i gn i m p o rt at i n or o

m m m
.

T ;
r ue an d t h a a s t i e a sy b a ed r p
s ec t ierg t h e on e e es n

dr i n k o f t h at am th i gred i t s f wh i ch a e all x t i c ex
n e, e n en o r e o ,

W
c ep t t h w at er : n e th l s s t h p c l i a f n d s s f u r
e ev r e e e e u r o ne o o

c u trym
o n e f it nll h a dl y or t h at acc l t be qu es t i r ed on ou n on .

B u t t h e real fact i t h at t h o t h i g o u t l a d i h ab o u t

W
is s, ere n n n s

P n ch exc p t t h e am
u ee an d e en t h at h as b e n A gl i ci s ed v en n

b i al f i m
.
,

a
e p re ro v er p vi g n t h e i v t i n s o f th eror ro n o n en o o

n at i s b t w
on ha e d u m t han i mp e u p n P n ch ;
e v on e o re ro v o u

t i el y r emd ll ed h i s ch a act e ; a d h e i s n w n o
,

w e ha ve en r o e r r n o

m a I tal i an tha th e d c da t o f o e w h cam

o re n n e i n with
es en n n o

th C e u on i a N o m an
er o r Th e c s ec t f t hi s p o s it i
r o rr n es s o on
q .

wi l l b f u n d t be s i gu l a l y b
e o o ut a p ru al
n f t h at
r o rn e o on e s o

c l eb at d w k
e r e Pu ch a d J u d y ;
or
“
i w hi ch ( n n do ubt n
”
n o

f o m a i dab l ci c m
,

r un vo s t a c es
) t h
e d i al g u
r u es w e e a c t a ll yn e o r u

t ak e d o w f m
n t h e m t h O f a I t al i a
n ro n P i cci i an i t i n
ou n n, o e n

o f t h e d am
,

e an t exh i b i t o
r a r Th b o o k i s o r gh t t be
r . e , ou o ,

e eryb d y s h a d s S t i ll l et a y e ref t t h at pa t i c
’
i n v o n .
, n on er o r u

l a p art f i t a d p
r o i d d t h at h i s t as t i s a c
,
n ,
ro v ect e ne e o rr o ,

h wi lle t fai l t b
n o t ck wi t h t h e d t i at i n g eff ct wh i ch
o e s ru e er o r e

S ig r P i cci i s b k en E gl i h a d It al i an l q a i t y h a
no n
’
ro n s n o u c ve

p d ced o t h e s pi i t f t h e i gi al N o t h i g i mre ch a
ro u n r o or n n s o

P ch t h a t h l ac o i c m
.

a t
r c er s i t i c o f t h real M e a r. er i n un n e n nn

wh i ch h xp s s s h i m e e s lf a d re o t h i n g at t h
e s am t i m e e is n n e e

m e E gl i h A t th m b ll i hm
,

or n s e ts o f h i
S o di c s e in
e e e s n s s ou r

p i at a d adm
.
,

t rod c d by P i c ci i t h y a
u e ab u t as app
n e re i o ro r e n

im p r em
,

ab l e as C ll y Gi bb en t s o n R i ch a d t h Thi d
’
r o e er s ov r e r .

B 3
 P R EL IMI N A R Y DI SCO U R SE .

perfect climax o f atr o cities and horrors Victim

after victi mfalls pr o strate bene ath the cudgel Of
.

the defo rmed and barbarous monster ; the very

first who feels his tyranny being the wife o f his
bosom. He meanwhile beh aves in the most
, ,

heartless m anner actu ally singing and caperi n g

,

among the mangled carcases Benevolence is .

shocked Justice is derided L aw is s et at n o u ght

, , ,

an d C onstables are slain The fate t o which he

.

h ad been consigned by a Jury o f his C ountry is

eluded ; an d the A venger Of C rime is circum
vented by the w ily assassin L astly t o crown .
,

the wh o le R etributi o n herself is m o cked ; and

,

the very A rch Fiend is dismissed t o his o w n

dominions with a fractured skull A nd at every .

st age o f these frightful proceedings S h o uts o f u p

r o ar i o u s laughter attest the delight o f the be
holders increasing i n violence with every addi
,

t i o n al terror an d swelling at the concluding one

,

t o an almost inextinguishable peal .

Indeed there is scarcely any shocking thing

o u t o f which we can extract no amusement ex ,

cept the l o ss o f money wherein at least when

, ,

it is o u r o w n we cannot s ee anything to l augh at

,
.

Some will s ay th at we m ake it a principle t o

convert whatever frightens o t her people into a
jest in order that we may imbibe a contempt
,
 PR EL IMI N A R Y DI SCO U R SE . 7

fo r danger ; and that o u r superi o rity ( univers ally

ad m itted ) o ver all nati o ns in c o urage and prowess ,

is in fact owing t o the way which we have ac

, ,

quired o f l aughing all terrors n atural an d super ,

natural utterly t o scorn

, With these however
.
, ,

we do n o t agree O ur n ational laughter i s in

.
,

o u r Opini o n as little based o n principle as o u r

,

nati o nal acti o ns have o f l ate years been We .

l augh fro m impulse o r as we do everything else

, , ,

because w e choose A nd we shall find o n e xa

.
,

mination th at we have contrived amongst u s t o

, , ,

render a great m any things exceedingly dro ll and

absurd , without h aving the slightest reas o n t o
assign fo r s o do ing .

F o r example there i s nothing i n the O ffice of

,

a Parish Clerk th at makes it desirable th at he

sh o uld be a ludicrous pers o n There is n o re as o n .

why he should hav e a cracked v o ice ; an inability

t o use o r a tenden c y t o omit the aspirate ; a stupid
, ,

countenance ; o r a p o mpous m anner N o r do we .

clearly s ee why he sh o uld be un able t o pro n o unce

pr o per n ames ; sh o uld s ay S n at ch acrab fo r Senna
ch er i b o r L eft en an t fo r L e v iath an Such never
theless ar e the peculi arities by w hich he is co m
, .
,

m o u ly distinguished .

We are likewise at a l o ss to divine w h y S O s t u

di o u s ly ridiculous a costume has been m ade t o
8 P R ELI MI N A R Y D I SC O UR SE .

enhance the natural absurdity o f a Beadle ; f o r we

can hardly believe that his singul ar style o f dress
was re ally intended to i ns pire small children with
veneration and awe .

’
It can scarcely be supposed that a L ord M ayor s
Show was instituted o nly to h e laughed at ; yet who
would c o ntend that it is o f any o ther u s e ? N or
could the o ffice o f the C hief Magistrate o f a C o r
o r ati o n n o r that of an A lderm an have been
p , ,

created fo r the amusement o f the Public : there i s ,

however no purpose which both o f them s o fre

,

quently serve .

I f th e wig and r o bes o f a Judge were meant to

excite the respect o f the community in gener al ,

and the fear o f the unconscienti o us part o f it we ,

cannot but think th at the design h as been u n

successful That the ministers o f j ustice are n o t
.
,

in fact so reverently held by any means as from

, , ,

the nature o f their function s they might be ex

ect ed t o be is cert ain A magistrate to g o no
p , .
,

further is universally kn o wn if not designated by

, , ,

the j o cose appellati o n o f Bea

Butchers bakers c o bblers tin k ers co s t er o n
, , , , m
gers and tailors ; t o s ay nothing o f fo otmen wait
, ,

er s, d anci n g masters and b arbers have become

-
,

the subjects o f ridicule to an extent not warranted

by their av o c ations simply considered
,
.
10 P RELI M I N AR Y DI SCO U R SE .

he meant t o apply them seri o usly The names we.

allude to are names o f places — and pretty places

” “
they are t o o ; as , M ount Pleasant Paradise
,
” ”
R ow , G o lden L ane .

Then there are a great many whimsical things

that we do
When a man cannot pay his debts and has no ,

prospect o f being able to do S O except by working ,

we shut him up in gaol and humor o usly describe

,

his conditi o n as that o f being in Q u o d

We will n o t all o w a m
.

an to give an Old woman

a dose Of rhubarb if he have not acquired at le ast

half a dozen sciences ; but we permit a quack t o
m
sell as uch poison as he pleases with no other ,

diplom a th an w hat he gets from the C ollege of

He alt
”
When a thief pleads G uilty to an indictment,
he is advised by the Ju dge to recall his plea ; as if
a tri al were a matter o f sp o rt and the culprit like
, ,

a fo x gave n o am usement u nless regul arly run

,

down This perhaps is the reason why all o wing

.

an animal to start s o me little time befo re t h e pur

s u it is c o mmenced is called givi n g him law
,
.

’
When o n e m an run s away with an o ther s wife ,

and being o n that account ch allenged to fight a

,

duel sho o ts the aggrieved party through the head

, ,

the latter is said to receive s at i sfac t i o n .

 W
P R ELIMI N A R Y DI SCO U R SE . II

e never take a gl ass Of wine at dinner without

getting s o mebody els e to do the s ame as if we ,

wanted encouragement ; and then before we ven ,

ture t o drink we bo w to each other across the

,

table preserving all the while a m o st wonderful

,

gravity This however it may be said is the

.
, , ,

natural result Of endeavouring to keep o n e an

other i a c o unten ance .

The w ay in which we imitate foreign m an ners

and custo ms is very amusing Savages stick fis h .

bones thr o ugh the i r noses ; our fair countrywomen

have h o o ps o f metal p o ked thr o ugh their ears .

The C aribs flatten the fo rehead ; the C hinese com

press the fo o t ; an d we possess si mil ar contrivances
fo r reducing the figure o f a y o ung l ady t o a r e
semblance to an hour glass o r a devil o u t wo
- - -

sticks .

There being no o ther assign able m o tive fo r these

and the like proceedings it is reas o nable to s u p ,

p o se th at they are ad o pted as schoolbo ys s ay , ,

”
“
for fun .

We c o uld go o n were it necessary adducing

, ,

facts t o an almost unlimited extent ; but we con

sider that en o ugh h as now been said in pr o o f o f
the comic ch aracter of the nati o n al mind A nd i n .

conclusi o n if an y fo reign author can be produced

, ,

eq u al i n point o f wit humour and dr ollery, t o

, ,
I2 P R ELI MI N A R Y DI SCO UR SE .

Swift Sterne o r B u tler we hereby engage to eat

, , ,

him ; albeit we have no pretensions to the cha

r act er of a helluo li bro r u m”
.
 THE

C OM I C E N GL I S H G R AM M A R .

E N G L I S H G RA M M AR according to L indley
,

M urray ,
“ is the art of speaking and writing the
English l anguage with pr o priety .

The English language written and spoken with

,
’
propriety is c o mmonly called the King s English
,
.

A mon arch w h o three o r four gener ati o ns back

, , ,

occupied the E nglish thr o ne is rep o rted to have

,

”
said If beebles will be boets they must s dar ve
, , .

This was a rather curious specimen o f King s ’

”
E nglish . It is, however, a maxim o f our law,
”
th at the King can do no wrong Whatever bad
E ngli sh there f ore m
.

, , a
y proceed from the royal
m o uth is not King s E nglish but M inister s
,
’
,
’

”
English , f o r which they al o ne are resp o nsible .

”
F o r illustrati o ns o f this kind o f E nglish we beg
to refer the re ader to the celebrated English G ram
mar which w as written by the late M r C o bbett . .

King s E nglish ( o r perhaps under existing cir

’

m
, ,

s t an ces we should s a , Q u een s E nglish ) is th e

’
cu y
C
 T HE CO M IC E N GLIS H G RA MM A R .

current coin Of conversation to mutilate w hich , ,

and unlawfully to u tter the same is c alled clippi n g

the King s E nglish ; a high crime and m i s dem
,
’
ea

nour .

C lipped E n glish o r bad E nglish is o n e variety

, ,

o f C omic E nglish o f which we shall adduce i n

,

stances hereafter .

Slipsl o p o r the erroneous substitution o f o n e

,
” ”
word for another as prodigy for prot é g é e
“
,
“
,

He
’
s only a l i t tle p odigy of m in e Do t o
r , c r .
 THE C O MI C EN GLIS H G R A MM A R I5

“ ”
derangement for arrangement exasperate ,

”
fo r aspirate an d the like is another
“
, , .

Slang which consists in cant words and phrases

, ,

” ” ” ”
as dodge for s ly trick
“ “
,
“
no go for failure ,

” “
and carney“
t o flatter may be considered a
,

third .

L atinised E nglish o r Fine E nglish sometimes

, ,

assumes the character Of C omic E nglish especially ,

when applied to the purposes o f commo n discourse ;

”
as E xting u ish the luminary A gitate the com
mu n i cato r A re your corporeal functions in a
,

” “
,
” “ ” “
condition o f salubrity ? A sable visual o rb A ,

”
sanguinary nasal protuberance .

“
A merican E nglish is C omic E nglish in a pr etty
”
p a r t i c u la r co n s i der able ta rn at i o n degree .

A mong the various kinds o f C omic E nglish it

would be to u t df a i t inexcusable were we t o
“ -

m
,
”
a n u er
q to mention o n e which has s o to speak , ,

”
quite bo u lever s é d the Old fashioned style o f
“ ’
-

conversation ; French E ngl ish that is what n o u s

-
,
“

” ”
vo u lo n s di r e . A vec n u po co o f the I tali an o
“
,

t his fo rms what is also called the M osaic dialect .

E nglish G rammar is divi ded into fo ur parts

O rth o graphy E tymology Syntax and Prosody ;
, , ,

an d as these ar e points that a good gr ammarian

always stands upon he particularly when a pe

, ,

dant and consequently somewhat f lat may very

, ,

properly be compar ed to a table .

 PA R T I .

OR T H OG R A P H Y .

C H A P TE R . I .

OF T HE N A TU R E OF T H E L E TTE R S, AN D OF A

C O M I C A L P H AB E T .

ORT H O G RA P HY is like a j unio r usher, or i n s tru c

tor Of youth It teaches us the nature and powe r s
.

o f letters and the right method o f spelling words .

N o t e — I n a public school the person corr e

.
,

s po n di n t an usher is called a master A s it

g o .

i s sometimes his duty to flog we propose that he

,

S hould he n ceforth be called the U sher o f the

”
Birch R o d .

C omic O rthography teaches us the oddity and

absurdities o f letter s and the wrong method o f
,

spelling words The fo llowing is an example Of

.

C omic O rthography
i s l i n t o n f o t een t h o f

my D eer j e m es febu ar y 1 84 0 .

wen fust i sa w ed yu doun the middle and u p

agin att Vite co n di ck ouse i maid U p my M ind t o
s k u r e you fo r my h o ne fo r i Felt at once that my

appi n es s was at Steak and a s en s as h u n in my

B u s s irmI coudent no ways accompt F o r
,

A nd i .
 THE C O M IC EN GLIS H G R AM M A R .

o s cr i
p p
n ex sunday IS my sunday o u t A nd i S hall be A tt

W
the corner o f Wite lion Street pen t o n vi l at a quaw
ter pas Sevn .

en This U C . .

remember M ee
g .
 O RTH OG RA PH Y . 19

N o w, to proceed with O rthography we may r e ,

mark that
,

A letter is the least part o f a word

O f a co m
.

i c letter an instance has already been

given .

’
Dr Johnson s letter to L ord C hesterfield is a
.

capital letter .

The letters o f the A lphabet are the r epres en

t ati ves o f articulate sounds .

The A lphabet is a R epublic Of L etters .

There are many things in this world erroneously

”
as well as vulgarly compared to bricks In .

the case o f the letters o f the A lphabet however , ,

the comparison is j ust ; they constitute the fabric

o f a language and grammar is the mortar
, The .

w o nder is that there should be s o few o f them .

The E nglish letters are twenty s i x in number -

.

There is nothing like beginning at the beginning ;

an d we shall now there f ore enumerate them with ,

the view also o f rendering their i nsertion subsidiary

to mythological instr uction in conformity with the
,

plan o n which some account Of the Heathen Deities

and ancient heroes is prefixed o r subjoined to a
Dictionary We present the reader with a form o f
.

A lphabet composed i n humble imitation o f that

famous o n e which while appreciable by the dullest
, ,
20 T H E CO M IC E N GL I S H G RA MM A R .

taste and level t o the meanest capacity is never

, ,

t h eles s that by which the greatest minds have been

agr eeably inducted into knowle dge .

THE A LP H AB E T .

A was A pollo , the god o f the carol ,

B stood for Bacchus astride o n his bar r el ; ,

C for good C eres the goddess o f grist , ,

D was Dian a that wouldn t be k i s s d ; ’ ’

,

E was nymph E cho that pined to a sound , ,

F w as sweet Flora with buttercups cr o w n d

’
,
’
G was Jove s pot boy young G anymede hight
-
, ,

H was fair H ebe his barmaid s o tight ;,

I little I O turu d into a cow

, ,
’
,

J j ealous Juno that spiteful Old s o w ;

, ,

K w as Kitty more lovely than goddess o r muse ;

,

L L aco o o n I w ouldn t have been in h i s shoes ’

,

M was blue eyed M inerva with stockings to match

-
, ,

N was N estor with grey beard and silvery thatch

,

O was lofty O lympus King Jupite r s s h Op

’

, ,

P Parnassus A pollo hung o u t o n its top ;

, ,

Q stood for Q uirites the R omans to wit ; , ,

R fo r rantipole R oscius that made such a hit ;

, ,

S for Sapph o s o fam o us fo r felo de s e

, ,
- -
,

T, fo r Thales the wise F R S and M D , . . . .

 O RTH O G R A P H Y .

U w as crafty Ulysses s o artful a d o dger

W
, ,

V was hop a kick Vulcan th at limping Old codger ;

- -
,

en u s Venus I me an with a W begins ,

V ell if I h am f ?
( , a C ockney w o t need o y o ur grins )
,

X w as Xantippe the scratch cat and shrew

,
-
,

Y I d o n t know what Y w as whack me if I do !

,
’

! w as ! eno the Stoic ! enobia the cle ver , ,

A nd ! oilus the critic Victoria for ever ! ,

L etters ar e divided into Vowels and C onso

The vowels ar e capable o f being perfectly u t

t ered by themselves They are as it were i n .
, ,

dependent members Of the Alphabet and like ,

independent members elsewhere form a small mi

n o ri t y The vowels are a e i o u and some
.
, , , , ,

times w and y .

W
A n I O U is a more pleasant thing to have
. . .
,

than it is t o give .

A blow in the stom ach is very likely to up .

W is a consonant when it begins a word as ,

Wicked Will Wiggins wh acked his wife with a

whip ; but in every other place it is a vowel as ,

crawling drawling s awney screwing Jew

, , Y , , .

follows the same rule .

A consonant is an articulate sound ; but like ,

an Old bachelor if it exist alone it exists to n o

,
22 TH E C O M IC EN GLI S H G RA MM A R .

purpose It cannot be perfectly uttered without

.

the aid o f a vo wel ; and even then the vowel has

the greatest S hare in the production o f the sou n d
,
.

Thus a vowel j oined to a consonant becomes s o ,

to speak a better half or at all e v ents very

, .

strongly resembles o n e .

C onsonants are divided into mutes and semi

vowels .

The mutes cannot be sounded at all without

the aid Of a vowel L ike young ladies j ust come .
“

”
ou t , they are silent as long as yo u let them alone .

S ome have compared them o n account o f their ,

name to the O riginal G ood Woman but how

,

j oining her t o anything except to her head again

would have cured her of her dumbness it i s n o t ,

easy to s ee B p t d b and c and y hard are

.
, , , , , ,

the letters called mutes o r as some have deno

m
, ,

i n at ed them , black letters

The semi vowels which are f l mn r v s x
.

W
-
, , , , , , , , ,

z, and c an d y soft have an imperfect sound of ,

themselves ell ! half a loaf is better than n o

.

bread
L m n r are fur ther distinguished by the
.

, , , ,

name o f liquids L ike certain other liquids they

.

are good for m ixing that is to s ay they readily , ,

unite with other consonants ; and flo w as it were , ,

into their so u nds .

 O RTH OG R A PH Y .

The specific gravity o f liquids can only be ren

dered amusing by comical fig u r es The gravity . ,

too o f a s o li d is generally the more ludicrous

,
.

V U TE S AN D L I Q U I DS
2 4: TH E CO MI C E N G L I S H G RA MM A R .

A diphtho n g is the union of

two vowels in one
sound as ea in he avy cu in M eux o u in st o ut
, , ,
.

A triphthong is a similar union of three vowels ,

as eau in the word bea u ; a term applied to dan

dies and addressed to geese : probably because
,

they are birds o f a feather .

A proper diphthong is that in which the sound

is formed by b o th the vowels : as aw in awkward
, ,

o u in lout .
26 T H E C O MIC E N GLI S H G RAM M A R .

I’
mpo s ti vel
y t i aw e d ( tired )
m
.

What a s w eet te paw ( temper ) .

How dau g h ty ( dirty ) the streets au

A nd they also Call ,

L iterature li t er et ch ah
, .

”
Perfectly paw facly, .

Disgusted di s g as t ed
, .

Sky ( theatrical dandies do this chiefly ) S ke

eye .

Blue ble — ew
, .

We might here insert a few remarks o n the

nature o f the human voice an d Of the mechanis , m
by means Of which articulation i s performed ; but
besides our dislike to pro lixity we are afraid o f ,

getting do w n i n th e m o u th and thereby going the

,

w r o n g w ay t o please o u r readers We may never .

t h el es s venture to invite attention to a few co

mical peculiarities in conn ection with articulate

sounds .

A hem ! at the commencement o f a speech is a ,

sound agreeably droll .

The vocal co rn i cali ti es o f the in fant in arms

are exceedingly laughable but we are u n fo r ,

t u n at ely unable to spell them .

The articulati o n o f the J ew is peculiarly ridi

”
culons . The peo pl es h are badly spoken o f
“
,

and not well spoken .

 O RTH OG RAPH Y . 27

Bawling croaking hissing whistling and grunt

, , , ,

ing are elegant vocal accomplishments

m
, .

L isping as
, , t h w eet D th o o li u r th aw i n g
, , ,

”
k w eech au , is by some considered interesting by ,

others absurd .

Stammering is sometimes productive Of amuse

ment .

Humming and hawing are ludicrous embel

li s hm en t s t o a discourse C rowing like a co ck
.
,

braying like a d o nkey qu achi n y like a duck and

, ,

b o o ti n g like an o w l are modes o f exerting the

,

v oice which are usually regarded as diverting .

But Of all the so u nds which proceed from the

human mouth by far the funniest are Ha ! ha !
,

ha ! He ! he ! he !
 CHAPTER II .

OF S YLL A B LE S.

S YLL A B L E is a nice word it s o unds, so much

like syllabub
A syllable whether it constitute a wo r d o r
,

part o f a word is a sound either simple o r com

, ,

pound produced by o n e e ff ort Of the voice as

, , ,
”
O what a lark
, , Here we are ! , ,
 O RTH OG R A PH Y . 29

Spelling is the art o f putting together the let

ters which c o mpose a syllable o r the syllables
,

which comp o se a word .

C omic spel ling is usually the work o f imagina

tion The chief rule t o be Observed in this kind
.

of spelling is to spell every word as it is pro

, ,

n o u n ced ; th o ugh t h e r u le is not u nivers ally Oh

served by comic spellers The foll o wing example

.
,

for the genuineness Of whi ch we can vouch is o n e ,

s o singularly apposite that although we h ave al

,

ready submitted a similar specimen Of orthography

to the r eader we are irr esistibly tempted t o m ake
,

a sec o nd expe riment o n his indulgence . The

epist o lary curio sity then which we shall n o w
, ,

procee d to transcribe w as addressed by a patient

,

to his medical adviser .

W m
M y G r an o th er wos ve ry much t ru beld
ith the G out and dide w ith it my father w o s
als o and dide with it when i w as 1 4 years of age
i w o s in th e h abbet o f G ettin whet fee t E very
Night by pumping water o u t of a C eller Wich
C as me t o have the tipes fever wich C as my
D efn es s when i was 2 3 o f age i fell i n the W ater
betwen the ice and i have Bin in the h abbet o f
D 3
30 TH E C O M IC E N G LI SI I G RA M M A R .

G etting wet when t r avi li n g i have Bin tr u bbeld

with G out for seven years
Your most humbel
Se rvent

C leark en w ell

C helsea has been supposed by fo

C ollege

W
r ei n er s to be an institution for the teaching of
g
orthography ; probably in consequence o f a pas
”
sage in the well known song in The aterman ,

N ever more at C helsea Ferry ,

Shall your Thomas take a spell .

Q Why i s
. a no conj uror ?
du n ce
A Because he cannot spell
. .

A mong the various kinds o f spelling may be

en u merated spelling for a favour ; o r giving W hat
i s called a broad hint .

C ertain rules for the division Of words into

syllables are laid d o wn i n some grammars and ,

we sh o uld be very glad to foll o w the established

usage but limited as we are by considerations of
, ,

comicality and space we cannot afford to give

,

more than two very general directions If you .

 O RTH O G RA PH Y .

do not know h o w to spell a word lo o k it out

,

in the dictionary and if you have no dictionary

,

by yo u write the word in such a way that while

, , ,

it may be guessed at it shall n o t be legible

, .
32 T H E C O M IC E N GLI S H G RA MM A R .

C H A P TE R I II .

OF W O RD S IN GE N E RA L

W
.

T H E R E is no one question that we are aware

o f more puzzling than this

nio n Of th i n g s in general ? ”
“

o r ds W
hat i s your Opi
,

in general
are, f ortunately for us, a subject o n which the
fo rmation o f an opinion is somewhat more easy .

Words stand for things : they are a sort o f coun

ters, checks , bank notes and sometimes , indeed ,
-
,

they are n o tes fo r which people get a great deal

o f money Such words, however, are alas ! n o t
.
,

E nglish words o r words sterling

, Strange ! that
.

s o much should be gi v en f o r a mere song It is

m
.

W
quite clear that the givers, whatever ay be their
pretensions to a refined or literary taste, must be
entirely unacquainted with o r ds worth .

Fine words are 0 i enough , and he who uses

them is vulgarl ysaid to cut it fat ; but for all
“

that it is well known that they will not butter

parsnips .

Some s ay that words are but wind : for this

reason when people are having words, it is Often
,
” ’
said that the wind s up
,
.
34 TH E C O M IC E N GLI S H G R A MM A R .

’
fo
s tr o rn ar
y r extraordina r y and c u r o s i t y fo r curi
m
,

o s i t ; to which t u s for myste r ious may also

y ys er

be added .

Polysyllables are an essential element in the

sublime, both in poetry and i n pr o se ; but espe
ci al ly in that species of the sublime which borders

W
very closely o n the ridiculous ; as
m
,

A ldi bo ro n ti ph o s c o ph o r i
o,

he r e l eft s t tho u C h r ononhotonthologos

’
 O RT H O G R A P H Y . 35

A ll words are either primitive derivative A

or .

primitive w o rd i s th at which cannot be reduced t o

any simpler word i n the language ; as brass York , , ,

knave A de rivative word Under the head of

.
,

which compound words are also included is that ,

which may be reduced to another and a more

simple word in the E nglish language ; as brazen , ,

Yorkshire knavery mud lark lighterman

, ,
-
, .

Broadbrim is a derivative w o rd ; but it is o n e

often applied to a very pri m i t i ve kind o f person .
 PAR T II .

E T YM OL OG Y .

C H A P TE R I
WO F
.

A C O M I CAL V I E T HE P A R TS OF S PE E CH .

E TYM O L O GY teaches the varieties modifications , ,

and derivati o n o f words .

Th e derivation o f words means that which they

come fr o m as w o r ds ; f o r what they come from as
s o u n ds ,is another matter Some words come from
.

the heart, and then they are pathetic ; others from

the nose, in which case they are ludicrous The .

funniest place, however, from which words can

c o me is the stom ach By the way the L ord M ayor
, .
,

would do well t o keep a ventril o quist, from whom ,

at a moment s n o tice, he might ascer t ain the voice

’

o f the corp o r ation .

C o mic E tym o l o gy teaches us the varieties modi ,

fic ati o n s and derivation , o f w o rds invested with a

,

comic character .

G rammatic ally speaking, we s ay that there are ,

in E nglish , as many sorts o f words as a cat is said

 ETY M OLO G Y . 37

to h ave lives nine ; namely the A rticle the S u b

, , ,

s tan t i ve o r No un t h e A djective the Pro noun the

, , ,

Verb the A dverb the Prep o sition the C o n j u n c

, , ,

tion and the Interjection

, .

C o mic ally speaking there are a great many sorts

,

Of words which we hav e not r o o m enough to par

t i cu l ari s e individually We can therefo re only
.

aff o rd to cl assify them For instance ; there are .

words which are sp o ken in the L o w C o u n tr i es and ,

are H ig h D u tch to person s o f qu ality ; as in Bil

l i n g s g at e Whitech apel an d St G iles s
’
, , . .

Words in use am o ngst all th o se who have to

do with horses .

W o rds that p ass between riv al cab men -

.

Words peculi ar t o the P R where the order o f . .

the day is generally a word an d a bl o w .

Words sp o ken in a state o f into xication .

Words uttered under excitement .

Words o f ende arment, addressed to children in

arms .

Similar w o rds sometimes c alled burning tender

, , ,

s o ft an d br o ken w o rds ad dressed to young ladies

, , ,

and whispered lisped s i ghed o r drawled accord

, , , ,

ing t o circumstances .

’
Words Of hon o ur ; as tail o rs words and sho e ,

makers w o rds ; which like the ab o ve mentione d

’
,
-
,

o r lovers words are very o ften broken

’
.
,
38 T H E CO MI C E N GL I S H G R A MM A R .

With many o ther s o rts o f words which will be ,

readily suggested by the reader s fancy ’

.

But now let us g o o n with the parts o f speech .

1 A n A rticle is a word prefixed t o substantives

.

to point them o u t and t o S how the extent Of t heir

,

meaning ; as a d andy an ape th e simpleton

, , , .

O ne kind o f comic article is otherwise deno

m i n at ed an oddity o r queer artic le
, .

A nother kind o f comic article is o ften to be

m et with in Bentley s M iscell any ’
.

2 A Subst antive o r N oun is the n ame o f an y

.

t hing t hat exists o r o f which we have any notion ;

,

as , t i n k er , ta i lo r , s o ldi er , s a i lo r , a
p o th e ar c y , plo u g h

N the above definition of a substanti v e is

ow

L indley M urr ay s n o t o u rs We mention this be

’

, .
,

W
cause we have an Objecti o n though n o t perhaps , , , ,

a serious o n e t o urge ag ainst it ; fo r in the first

, ,

”
place e have n o n o tion of impudence and yet
, ,

impudence is a substantive ; an d in the second we , ,

invite atten tion to the foll o wing piece o f L ogic ,

A substantive i s s o mething ,

But nothing i s a substantive ;

Therefo re nothing is something
A substantive m
, .

a
y generally be kn o wn by i t s

taking an article before it and by its making sense

o f itself : as a t r eat the m
,

u ll i ru bs an a ch e
g
‘
, , , .

3 A n A dj ective is a word j oined to a substantive

.
 ETY M OLO G Y . 39

denote i ts quality ; as a ed regiment an o dd

'

to ra
gg ,

s et .

Yo u may distinguish an adjecti e by i ts making v

sense with the w o rd thing : as a po o r thing a s weet , ,

thing a co o l thing ; o r with any particular s u bs tan

,

tive as a t i ck li s h position an awk w ar d mistake a

, , ,

s t r a n e step
g .

4 A Pronoun is a word used in lieu of a noun

The m
.
,

in o rder to av o id tautol o gy : as an wants ,

”
calves ; h e is a lath ; he is a w alking stick -
.

5 A Verb is a word which signifies t o be to do

.
, ,

o r to su ff er : as I am ; I calculate ; I am fixed
, .

A verb may usually be distinguished by its

making sense with a personal pronoun o r with the ,

w o rd to before it : as I y ell he g r i n s they caper ;

o r t o dr i n k to s m
, ,

o k e to ch ew
, , .

Fashionable accomplishments
C ertain substantives are with peculiar elegance , ,

and by persons w h o call themselves g en teel con ,

v erted int o verbs : as Do yo u w i n e

, Will
ou m alt L et me persuade o u to ch ees e
y y
6 A n A dverb is a part o f speech which j o ined
.
,

to a verb an adjecti v e o r another adverb serves

, , ,

to express some quality or circumstance concerning

it : as She swears dr eadf u lly ; s h e is i n co rr ig i bly
lazy ; and She is a lm
,
”
o s t c o n t i n u all
y in liquor .

W
7 A n ad v erb is generally char acterised by an
.

s w eri n g to the question HO ? h o w much ? when ?

,
40 TH E CO MIC E N GL I S H G R A MM A R .

or where ? as in the verse M er r i ly danced the

,
”
Q uaker s wife the answer to the question How
’

, ,

did s h e dance ? i s merrily

, .

8 Prepositions serve t o connect w ords together

.
,

and t o Show the relation between them : as ,

Off w i th his head s o much fir B uckingham

,

9 A C onj unction is used to connect not only

words but sentences also : as S in i th an d Jones are
, ,

happy becau s e they ar e single A miss is .

as a mile .

L
S I N G L E B L E SS E D N E SS .
42 THE C O MI C E N GL I S H G R A MMA R .

C H A P TE R I I .

OF THE A R T I C LE S.

T H E A rticles
in E nglish ar e two a and a ,

becomes an before a vowe l and before an h which ,

is not sounded : as an exquisite an hour glass , ,

-
.

B ut if the h be pronounced the a only is used : ,

as a homicide a hom oeopathist a hum

, , , .

T his rule is reversed in what is termed the C ock

ney dialect : as a inspector a o fficer a Object a
, , , ,

omnibus a i n di vidual a alderman a honour an

, , , ,

horse or rather a n o r s e an hound an hunter See

, , , , , .

It is usual in the same dialect whe n the article ,

a n Should in strict propriety precede a w o rd to

, , ,

o mit the letter n and further for the sake o f

, ,

euphony and elegance to place the aspirate h be ,

fore the word ; as a h egg a h acci den t a h adv erb

, , , ,

a bo x But sometimes when a word begins with

.
,

an h and has the article a before it, the aspirate is

,

o mitted the letter a remaining unchanged : as a

Ogg a edge a em
, ,

i s ph er e a ouse
’ ’ ’ ’

, , , .
 ETY M OLOGY . 43

The slight libert ies which it is the privilege of

the people to take with the article and aspirate
become always most evident in the expressio n o f
excited feeling when the stress which is laid upon
,

certain words is heightened by the peculiarity Of

the pro nunciation : as You hi gn o r an t h u ps tar t !
,

o u h i l l i t er at e Og ! Ow dare yo u to h o ff er such a
’ ’

y
h i n s u lt to my h u n ders t an din g — Yo u are a h o bj ect
o f contempt o u h are and a h i n s o l en t w a o bo n d
, y , g
your mother was n o thing bu t a h appl e woman -
,

an d your father was an u ck s t er

’

N o te — I n the above example the ordinary rules ,

o f langu age rel ative t o the article and aspirate to

(
s ay nothing Of the maxims Of politeness ) are com

p l et el
y s et at nought ; but it must be remem
bered that in common discourse the modificati o n
,

of the article and the o mission or u s e of the aspi

,

r ate are determined by the C o ckneys according

,

to the e ase with which particular words are pro

n o u n ced ; as ,
“
Though hi m p u den t he w am t ,as
’

i mpudent as Bill wur

”
Here the word i m
.
p a

den t fo ll o wing a vowel s o und is m o st easily pr o

-

n o u n ced as h i m
, ,

u den t while the same word com

p , ,

ing after a consonant even i n the same sentence

, ,

is uttered with greater facility in the usual w ay .

A o r an is called the indefinite article because ,

i t is used in a vague sense to point o u t some one

, ,
44 T H E CO M IC E N GL I S H G R A MM A R .

thing belonging t o a certain kind but in other ,

respects indeterminate ; as ,

“
A ho rse a horse my kingdom for a horse
, ,

S O say grammarians E ating house keepers tell

.
-

a di ff erent sto ry A cheese in common discourse

‘

.
, ,

means an Object o f a certain shape size weight , , ,

and so o n; en t ire and perfect ; s o that to call half

a cheese a cheese would constitute a flaw in an i n
di ct m
,

en t against a thief w h o had stolen o n e B ut .

a waiter will term a fraction o r a m o dicum o f ,

cheese a cheese ; a plate full of pudding a pud

“

-
, ,

ding ; an d a sti ck o f celery a celery o r rather , , ,

a s a la ry N ay he will even apply the article a t o

.
,

a w ord which does n o t stand for an individual Ob !

jcet at all ; as a bread a butter a bacon Here

, , .

we are reminded o f the fam o us exclam ation o f o n e

Of these gentry M aster ! master ! there s t w o ’

teas and a brandy and wate r j ust hopped over the

- -

palings
Th e is termed the definite article inasmuch ,

as it denotes what partic u la r thin g or things ar e

meant ; as ,

Th e miller he stole corn ,

Th e weaver he stole yarn ,

A nd th e little tail or he st o le br o ad cloth -

”
T o keep th e three r o gues warm .
 ETY M OL O G Y .
45

A substantive to which no article is prefixed is

taken in a general sense ; as A pple sauce is
,

proper for goose that is fo r all geese

,
.

A PP LE ‘
SA L C E .

A few additional r emarks may ad vantageously

be made with respect to the articles The mere .

substitution Of the definite fo r the indefinite article

is capable o f changing entirely the meaning o f a
46 TH E CO MI C E N G L I S H G R A MM A R .

”
sentence That i s a ticket is the assertion o f
.
“

”
a certain f act ; but Th at is th e ticket ! means
“

something which is quite di fferent .

The article is not prefixed to a proper name ; as ,

Stubbs Wiggi ns C hubb o r Hobson except fo r

, , , ,

the sake o f distinguishing a particular family o r ,

desc ription of persons ; as He is a Burke ; that i s , ,

o n e o f the Burkes o r a person resembling Burk e

,
.

The article is sometimes also prefixed t o a proper

name to point o u t some distinguished individual ;
,

Th e Burke o r the great politician o r the

W
as, , ,

resurrectionist B urke , .

h o is th e Smith ?
The indefinite article is joined to substantives in
the singular number o nly We have heard pe o ple .

sa
y ,h o wever He ,keeps a wine vaults ; o r to -
,

quote more correctly— w altz The definite article .

may be joined to plurals als o .

The definite article is frequently used with ad

verbs i n the comparative and superlative degree
”
as, Th e l o nger I live th e broader I gro w ; o r as
, ,

we have all heard the S howman s ay This here , ,

gentlemen and ladies is the vo n der fu l beag l e o f

,

the s u n ; the otterer it grows th e h ig h er er he

’
,

flies
 ETY M OLO G Y . 47

C H A P TE R I II .

S E C TI O N I .

OF S U B ST AN T I V E S IN GE N E RA L .

S U B S T AN T I V E

W
either pr o per o r c o mmon
S ar e .

Pro per names o r substantives ar e the n ames

bel o nging t o individuals : as i lli amB irmingh am
, ,

, .

These ar e s o metimes c o nverted int o nickn ames ,

or im pr o per n ames : as Bill B rumm agem , .

C o mm o n n ames o r substantives den o te kinds

, ,

c o nt aining m any sorts o r s o rts cont aining many

,

indi viduals under them : as brute beast bumpkin , , ,

cherub infant goblin & c

, , , .

Pro per names when an article is prefixed to

,

them are empl o yed as c o mm o n names : as

, They ,

th o ught him a perfect Ch es terfield ; be quite ast o

”
n ished the B r o w n s .

C o mm o n n ames o n the o ther h and ar e m ade t o

, ,

den o te indi vidu als by the additi o n o f articles o r

,

pro nouns : as ,

There w as a lit tle man and he h ad a little gun

m
, .

Th at boy will be the de ath o f e

48 TH E CO MI C E N G L I S H G R A MM A R .

S u bstantives are c o nsidered acc o rding to gender ,

number an d case ; they are all o f the third person

,

when spo k en of and o f the sec o nd when spoken

,

to as ,
M atilda fai rest m aid who ar t
, ,

In c o untless bumpers t o asted ,

0 let thy pity h as t e the heart

Thy fatal charms have r o asted
50 TH E CO MI C E N GL I S H G R A MM A R .

and on e or two other m

c e things which we ,
do

n o t at present remember .

Some neuter substantives are by a fig u r e o f

‘

speech c o nverted into the masculine o r feminine

gender : thus we s ay o f the s u n w
that hen,
h e

shines u pon a Socialist he shines upon a thief ; and

,

of the m n that she a ff ects the minds f lovers

p
oo ( .

A S OC I A L I S T.

There certain n o uns with which n o t ions o f

ar e

strength v ,
ig o ur, a n d t h e l i k
‘

e qualities are, more

p articul arly connected ; and these are the neuter
substantives which are fi guratively rendered m as

c u line O n the other hand beauty amiability and

. , , ,
 ETY M OL O GY .

so forth ar e held to invest words with a fem i nine

,

character Thus the s u n is said t o be masculine

.
,

and the moon feminine But fo r o u r o w n part, and

.

o u r V iew is confirmed by the discoveries o f astro

n o m y we believe that the s u n is called masculine

m
,

from his suppo rting an d sustaining the oon , and

S h an t I s h ine t n ig h t dea
’
o- , r ?
52 T HE CO M IC E N GL I S H G R A MM A R .

finding her the wherewithal t o shine away as s h e

does o f a night when all quiet people are in bed ;
,

and fr om his be i ng obliged to keep such a family

o f stars besides The m o o n we think is ac
.
, ,

counted feminine because s h e is thus maintained

,

and kept up in her splendour like a fine lady by , ,

her husband the s u n Furthermore the m o o n is

.
,

continually changing ; o n which account alone s h e

might be referred t o the feminine gender The .

earth is feminine tricked out as she is with gems

, , ,

and flowers C ities and t o wn s are likewise femi

.

nine because there are as many w i ndings turnings , ,

and little Odd corners in the mas there are in the

,

f emale mind .A ship is f eminine inasmuch as s h e ,

is blown about by e v ery wind Virtue is fem i nine .

by courtesy Fortune and m

. i s fortune like mother ,

and daughter are both feminine The C hurch is

, .

feminine because s h e is married t o the state ; o r

,

married to the state because S he is feminine — w e

do n o t know which Time is masculine because
.
,

he is s o tri fled with by the l adies .

The E nglish language distinguishes the s ex i n

three manners ; namely ,

1 By different words ; as
.
,

M ALE F E M ALE
 ETY M OL O GY . 53

F E M ALE .

several o ther
’
Words we don t menti o n ,

( Pray pardon the crime ) ,

Worth your attention ,

But wanting in rhyme .

By a di ff erence Of termination ; as ,

M AL E
. F E M ALE .

Poet Poetess .

L ion L ioness , 8Lc .

3 By a n o un pronoun or adjective being

.
, ,

fixed to the substantive ; as ,

54 TH E C O MI C E N GLI S H G R A MM A R .

M ALE . E M ALE F .

A cock lobste r
-
A hen lobster-
.

A j ack ass -
A jenny ass ( vernacular )
-
.

A man servant-
, A maid servant, -

or flu n k ey . o r A bigail .

A hebear ( like
-
A she bear ( like
-

King Harr y ) .
Q ueen Bess ) .

A male flirt ( a A female flirt ( a

rare anim al ) . c o mmon anim al ) .

We have he ard it said that every Jack has his ,

Jill That may be ; but it is by no means true

.

that every cock has his hen ; for there is a

C ock sw ain but no Hen sw ain
-
,
-
.

C ock eye bu t no Hen eye

-
,
-
.

C ock ade bu t no Hen ade

-
,
-
.

C ock atrice but no Hen atrice

-
,
-
.

C ock h o rse but no Hen h o rse

-
,
-
.

C ock ney but n o Hen ney

-
,
-
.

Then we have a weather cock but no weather -

,

hen ; a turn cock but no turn hen ; and many a

-
,
-

o lly cock but not o n e jolly hen ; unless we except

j ,

s o me o f those by whom their mates are peek ed .

Some words ; as parent ch ild c o usin friend , , , , ,

neighbour servant and several others are either

male or female acc o rding to circumstances The
, , ,

.
,

word blue ( used as a substantive ) is o n e o f this class .

It is a great pity that our l anguage is s o poor in

the terminations that denote gender Were we to .
 ETYM OLOG Y . 55

of a woman th at S he is a rogue a knave a

sa
y , , ,

scamp o r a v agabond, we feel that we should use

, ,

n o t o nly strong but improper expressions Yet we .

have no corresponding terms t o apply in case o f ,

n ecessi t y t o the female

, Why is this ? Doubtless .

because we never want them For the same reason .

,

o u r fo refathers transmitted to us the w o rds phi ,

l o s o ph er astron o mer phil o l o ger an d s o forth

with o ut any fe m
, , , ,

inine equi v alent Alas ! fo r the .

wisdom o f o u r ancestors ! They never calculated

o n the M arch o f Intellect .

We understand that it is in contemplation to

coin a n ew w o rd m em ber es s ; it being c o nfidently
,

expected that by the time the new Houses o f Par

li am en t are finished the pr o gress o f civilisation will
,

have furnished us with female representatives .

In that case the House will he an assembly Of

Speak er s .

But if all the Old women are to be turned out o f

St Stephen s and their pl aces to be filled with
.
’
,

oung o nes the nation will har dly be a loser by

y ,

the change .

SE CT I O N II I .

O F N U M B ER .

N umber is the considerati o n o f an o bject as o n e

or more ; as o n e po et t w o three fo ur five po ets ;
m
, , , , ,

an d s o o n ad i n fin i t u
,
.
56 TH E CO MI C E NGLIS H G RA MM AR .

'

Oth er co u n tri es
may reckon u p as many poets
as they please ; E ngland has o n e m
o re .

The singular number expresses o n e Object only ;

as a to w el a viper
, , .

The plural signifies more objects tha n o n e ; as ,

towels vipers , .

Some nouns are used only i n the singular num

ber ; dirt pitch tallow grease filth butter aspa
, , , , , ,

ragus, 81 C others only in the plural ; as galli

.
,

g askins breeches Sac

, , .

Some words are the same in both n umbers ; as

m
,
l

sheep swine an d s o e others

, , .

A doctor, both to sheep and swine,

Said M rs G lass I am ; .
,

F o r legs o f mutton I can dr es s ,

”
A nd shine in cu r i n g ham .

The plural number o f nouns is usually formed

by adding s t o the S i ngul ar ; as dove doves love
m
, , , ,

loves 8, .

Julia do ve return s to do ve
, ,

Q uid pro qu o and lo ve f o r lo ve ;

,

Happy in o u r mutu al lo ves ,

L et us live like turtle do ves

58 TH E C O M IC E N GL I S H G R AMM A R .

A few S i ng u lar P lu r als , or Plurals popularly

varie d are as fo llow
,

S I N G U LAR . P L U RAL .

Beast B eas t es , beas t i ces .

C rust C r u s tes .

G ust G ustes .

Ghost G h o s t es .

Host Hostes
’

J o ist J Oi s t es .

M ist M ist s s .

N est N estes .

Post Sac P o stes o s t i c es , SI C

, .
, p .

N o te —
The singular is often used by a kind o f ,

licence co n ceded to persons o f refinement fo r the ,

plural ; as M ay I trouble you for a bean

,

Will you assist M iss Spriggins t o a pea So

”
also people s ay A few g reen
“ “
Two o r three
, .

”
r adi s h, 86 0 .

SE CT I O N IV .

O F C ASE
.

There is nearly as much di ffere n ce between

L atin and E nglish substantives with respect to ,

the number o f cases pertaining t o e ach as there is ,

between a quack doctor and a physician ; fo r while

-

in L atin substantives hav e s i x cases in E nglish ,

they have but three But the analogy Should n o t.

 ETY M OLOGY . 59

be strained too far ; fo r the fo o ls i n the w o rld ( w h o

furnish the quack with his cases ) m o re than double
the number o f the wise .

A E
V R Y BAD CA SE .

Th e cases o f substantives ar e these : the N omi

native the Possessive o r G enitive and the Oh
, ,

j ect i v e o r A ccusative.

The N o minative C ase merely expresses the

na m e o f a thing o r the subj ect o f the verb : as
,
,

”
The docto rs di ff er ; The patient dies !
60 T H E CO MI C E N GL I S H G R AMM A R .

Possession which is nine points o f the law is

, ,

what is signified by the Possessive C ase This .

case is distinguished by an apostrophe with the ,

”
letter s subj o ined to it : as M y soul s idol !
’
,

”
A pudding s end
’
.

But when the plural ends i n s the ap o strophe ,

o nly is retained an d the other s is o mitted : as

, ,

The M inisters Step ; The R ogues M a rch ;

’ ’

” ” ’
C roc o diles tears ; Butchers m o urning
’
.

When the singular termin ates in s s the letter s ,

is s o metimes in like manner dispe n sed with : as

, , ,

”
F o r g o o dness sake ! F o r righte o usness
’ ’

”
sake ! N evertheless we have no objecti o n t o,

”
G uinness s Stout’
.

T h e O bj ective C ase fo ll o ws a verb active and ,

expresses the Obj ect Of an acti o n o r Of a rel ation : ,

”
as , Spring be at Bill ; that is Bill o r William ,

N ea te .Hence perhaps the A merican phrase

, , ,

”
I ll lick you eleg an t
’
.

By the by it seems to us that when the A me

, ,

ricans revolted from the authority o f E ngl and they ,

determined also t o rev o l u tionise their language .

The O bj ective C ase is al so used with a preposi

tion : as Yo u are i n a mess
,
”
.

E nglish substantives may h e declined in the

following manner
 ETY M OLO G Y . 61

SI N G U L AR .

What is the nomin ati ve case

O f her who used t o wash your face ,

Y o ur h air t o comb y o ur boots t o l ace ?

mth
,

A o er

What the possess i ve ? Whose the sl ap

Th at t aught yo u n o t t o S pill y o ur pap ,

O r to av o id a like mish ap ?
A mth o er s
’

A nd S h all I the o bjective S how ?

Wh at do I he ar where er I g o ?
’

Ho w is your — wh o m they mean Ikn o w

My m
,

o th er

P L U RAL .

Who ar e the anxi o us watchers o er ’

The slumbers o f a little bore ,

That screams whene er it d o esn t snore ?

’ ’

Why m o th er s ,

Whose pity wipes its piping eyes ,

A nd stills maturer C hildho o d s cries

’

Sto pping its mouth with cakes and pies ?

Oh ! m
o th er s
’

A nd wh o m when m aster fierce and fell

, , ,

Dus ts tru ant varlets j ackets well

’
,

Whom do they r o aring run and tell ?

Their m
, ,

o th ers

G
 62 T H E CO MI C E N GL I S H G RA MM A R .

C HA P TE R IV .

OF A D J E CT I V E S .

SE CT ION I .

OF TH E N A TU RE O F AD J E C TI V ES AN D TH E D E G RE E S OF
COM P ARIS O N .

A N E nglish A djective , wh atever may be its gen

der number o r case like a rusty we athercock
, , , ,

n ever varies Thus we s ay A certain cabinet ;

“
.
,

certain rogues .

But as a rusty weathercock may vary i n being ”

more o r less r u sty s o an adjective vari es I n the

,

degrees o f comparison .

The degrees o f Comparison like the genders the , ,

G races the Fates the Kings o f C o l o gne the

, , ,

Weird Sisters the Jolly Postboys and many o ther

, ,

things are three ; the Positive the C omparative

, , ,

and the Superlativ

The Positive state simply expresses the quality
o f an Object ; as fat ugly foolish , , , .
 ETY M OLO G Y . 63

The C omparative degree i n cre ases o r lessen s the

si g nification o f the positive ; as fatter uglier more , , ,

fo oli s h less fo olish

, .

The Superl ative degree increases o r lessens the

p o sitive t o the highest o r lowest degree ; as fattest , ,

ugliest most foolish least fo o lish

, , .

A m o ngst the ancients Ulysses w as the f a ttes t, ,

because nobody could co m p as s him .

A ristides the Just w as the ug li es t because he ,

was s o very plai n .

The most f o o li s h undoubtedly was Homer ; fo r

, ,

who w as more n atu r al than he ?

The p o sitive becomes the comparative by the
addition o f r o r or and the superlative by the ad
dition of s t o r es t to the end o f it ; as brown , ,

bro wner brownest ; stout stouter stoutest heavy

, , , ,

heavier heaviest ; we t wetter wettest The ad

, , , .

verbs m o r e an d m

m
o s t prefixed to the adj ective als o

the superlative degree ; as heavy m

, ,

fo r or , ,

heavy m o st heavy
, .

M ost heavy is the drink of draymen : hence per ,

haps the w eig ht o f those imp o rtant person ages

,
.

M ore of this however in o u r forthcoming w o rk on

, ,

Phrenology .

M onosyllables are usually comp ared by er and

es t and dissyll ables by m
,
o r e and m os t ; except di s
syll ables ending i n y o r in lo be fore a mute o r those ,
64 TH E C O M I C EN GL I S H GR A MM A R .

which ar e accented o n the l ast syllable ; for these ,

like monosyllables easily admit o f er and es t But

, .

W
these terminations are scarcely ever used in com
paring words o f more than two syllables .

e have some words which from custom are , , ,

irregular in respect of c o mparison ; as good bet , ,

ter best ; bad worse worst Si c M uch amuse

, , , , .

ment may be derived from the comparis o ns o f ad

j e c t i ves as made by natural grammari ans ; a cl ass
,

o f beings w h o generally inhabit the kitchen o r

W
stable but may sometimes be met with in more
,

elevated regions A few examples will n o t be o u t

.

of place e are n o t speaking o f s er van ts but o f

.
,

degrees Of comp arison ; as ,

P O S I TI V E COM P ARA TI V E . S UP ERLA TI V E .

M e b et t er
or

b et t e er o r m
,

r o e r

b et t e er r .

M o re t igh t er M o s t t i ght es t
t ig h t e e o m
.
,

Wm W
o re
r r r

t i g h t erer .

us s w u s s er
or us t or w u s s es t
h an ds o m
.

M o re h an d s o er l ik e M ost es t .

E xtravagan t er E xt rava an t es t ,
g
mo re extravagan t er m
,

o s t ext rava an t es t
.
g .

S t u p i der S tu p i d es t
mo re s tu p i d er m
, ,

ost s t u i d es t
p
L i ttl er m m
. .

L i t tl e o re l i t t l er
, . L i tt l es t , o s t l i t t l es t .

With many others .

66 TH E CO MI C ENG LIS H G R A MM A R .

we shal l perceive that the degr ees o f it ar e infinite

i n number or at least indefinite
, and he proceeds

W
to s ay A m o untain is l arger than a mite ; by h o w
,
“

many degrees ?
H O much bigger is the earth
than a gr ain o f sand ? By h o w many degrees w as
Socrates wiser than A lcibiades ? o r by how many
is snow whiter than this paper ? It is plain ,

quoth L indley that to these and the like ques

“
,

”
ti ons n o definite answers can be returned .

N o ; but an impertinent o n e may A s k the firs t

m
.

charity bo y you eet any o n e o f them and s ee if

-
,

he does not immediately respond “

A x my eye ,

”
or A s much again as half
m
, .

B u t when quantity can be exactly easur ed the ,

degrees o f exce s s may be exactly ascertained A .

foot is j ust twelve times as long as an inch ; a

tailor is nine times less than a an m
M oreover to compensate f o r the i n defi
, n i t en es s

o f the degrees o f comparis o n we use certain ad

,

verbs and words o f like import whereby we render ,

our meaning tolerably intelligible ; as Byron was ,

a m M uggins Honey i s
“
u ch greater poet than .

” “
a r eat deal sweeter th an wax Sugar is co n
g .

”
s i der a bl
y more pleasant than the cane M aria .

says th at Dick the butcher is by fizr the most

m
,

k illing y o ung an she knows .

The words very exceedingly and the like placed

, , ,
 ET YM OLO G Y . 67

befo re the positive gi ve it the force of the super

,

l ative ; and this is c alled by some the superlative

o f eminence as distinguished from the superlative
,

o f comparison . Thus Very R everend is termed

,

the superlative o f eminence although it is the title

,

o f a dean , not o f a cardinal ; and M o st R everend ,

the appellati o n Of an A rchbishop is called the ,

superlative o f comp arison .

A B i s h op I n o u r opini o n is M o s t E xcellen t
, , .

The comparative is sometimes s o empl o yed as t o

express the same pre em i nence o r in feriority as the
-

superlative F o r instance ; the sentence “

O f all
,

the cultivators o f science the botanist is the most

,
”
crafty h as the s ame me aning as the fo llo wi n g
,

“
The botanist is more craft y t han any other cul
t i vat o r o f science.

Why some o f our readers will as k

?

Because he is acquainted with all sor ts o f plan ts .

68 T H E CO MI C E N GL I S H G RA MM A R .

CHAPTER V .

OF P R O NO U N S .

P RO NO U N S proxy noun s are o f three kinds ;

or -

namely the Personal the R elative and the A d

, , ,

j e c t i v e Pron o uns .

N o te — That when we said some f ew pages back , ,

that a pronoun was a word used instead Of a noun

m
,

we did n o t mean t o call such words as th in g u i

bob wh at s i n am
, e what d ye call i t and the like
,
-
’
- -
, ,

pronouns .

A nd that although we shall proceed t o treat o f

,

t h e pronouns in the E nglish language we shal l ,

have nothing to do at present with what some , ,

pe o ple ple as e to call pronoun ci at i on -

.

S E C TI O N I .

OF TH E P ERS O N AL P R O N O U N S .

M R H A D D AM S,
’
don t be personal Sir I”

I mn o t Sir
.
,

W
’ ”
, .

You bar Sir ,

hat did I s ay Sir —

tell me that ”
, .
 ETY M OLOGY .
69

Yo u reflected on my Sir
erfes s i o n , ; you said ,
p
as there w as s o m
stuck u p fo r
e people as always

i i i t d that cert ai n parties

m
the c lo th and y o u n s n n v a e

dined o ff o o s e by means o f c a bba i

g g n fro the
g
parish I as k any gentleman in the we try
.
s ,

”
an t personal ?
’

A S E L E CT V ES I R
'
Y .
70 T H E CO MI C E N GLIS H G R A MM A R .

Vell Sir vo t I says I ll stick to

, ,
’
.

Yes Sir like vax as the s aying i s

, , , .

’ ”
Wot d ye me an by that, Sir ?
”
Wot I s ay Sir ! ,

Yo u r e a individual Sir
’

Yo u re another Sir !
” ”
,

“ ’
You r e no gentleman Sir ,

Yo u r e a humbug Sir
’
,
’ ”
You r e a knave Sir ! ,

Yo u r e a r o gue S i r
’
,

Yo u re a w ag abo n d Sir !
’ ”
,
”
You re a w i llai n Sir !
’
,

Yo u r e a t ailor Sir
’
,

”
!
You re a cobbler Sir ! ( O rder order ! chair !
’
,

chair

The above is what is called personal language .

H o w many di fler en t things o n e word serves to

'

express in E nglish ! A pronoun may be as per

s o nal as possible and yet nobody will take O ff ence
,

at it
There are five Personal Pronouns ; na m
.

ely I , ,

thou he s h e it ; with their plurals we ye or yo u

, , , , , ,

they .

Personal Pronouns admit o f person number , ,

gender and case

, .

Pronouns have three persons in each number .

 ETYM OLOG Y . 71

In the S ingul ar ;
I is the first pers o n
, .

Thou is the sec o nd person

, .

He she o r it is the third person

, , , .

In the plural ;
We is the first pe r son
, .

Ye o r you is the sec o nd pers o n

, .

They is the third pers o n

, .

This acc o unt o f pers o ns will be very intelligible

when the following Pastoral Fragment i s reflected
on

I love thee Susan o n my life , ,

Tho u art the maiden f o r a wife .

H e who lives single is an ass ;

S he who ne er weds a luckless lass
’
.

I t s tires o me w ork t o live alone ;

’

So com e with me and be my o w n ,

.

W maids ar e o ft by men deceived ;

e

Ye d o n t deserve t o be believed ;
’
SHE .

Yo u don t but there s my hand heigho

’ ’

’
Th ey tell u s women can t s ay no ,

The speaker o r spe akers are o f the first pers o n ;

those sp o ken t o o f the second ; and those spoken
,

Of o f the third
, .
 72 T H E C OMI C E N G L I S H G R A MM AR .

O f the three persons, the first is the most uni

ver s all admired
y .

The second is the Obj ect o f much ad ulation and

flattery, and n o w and then Of a little abuse .

The thi rd pers on i s generally made small ac

count Of ; and, amongst other grievances su ffers a ,

great deal fr o m being frequently bitten about the

back .

The N umbers o f p r onouns , like those o f s u b

s tan t i ves are, as we have already seen , two ; the
,

singular an d the plural .

In addressing y o urself to anybody it is custom ,

ary to u s e the second pers o n plural instead of the

singul ar This practice most probably arose from
m
.

a notion that to be thought twice the an that the

,

speaker w as gratified the v anity o f the person ad

,

dressed Thus the French put a double M o n

.
,

sieur o n the backs o f their letters .

”
Ed itors say We instead o f I , o u t Of mo
“
,

des ty.

”
The Q uakers continue to s ay thee and thou ,

in the u s e o f which pronouns as well as in the ,

wearing o f bro ad brimmed hats and o f stand u p

- -

coll ars they perceive a peculi ar sanctity

,
.

G ender has t o do only with the third person

singul ar o f the pr o n o uns he s h e it He is mas
, , , .

culine ; s h e i s feminine ; it i s neuter .

74 T H E C O M I C E N GLIS H G R A MM AR .

C ASE

R eader M em
m
, .

We beg to info r thee that the third person ,

plural has no distinction o f gender .

SE CT ION II .

OF TH E RELA TI V E P R O N O U N S .

T HE Pronouns called R elative are such as r e

l ate for the most part to some w ord o r phrase
, , ,

c alled the antecedent o n account o f its going be

,

“
fo re : they are w h o w h i ch and that : as
, , , The ,

man w ho does not drink enough when he can get

i t is a fool ; but he that drinks too much is a

W
,
”
beast .

h at is usually equivalent to that w h i ch an d is , ,

therefore a kind o f compound relative containing

, ,

both the antecedent and the relative ; as Yo u ,

”
w ant w hat you ll very soon have ! that is to s ay
’
,

th e th i n g w h i ch yo u will very soon have .

 W
E T YM OL O GY . 75

ho is applied to persons w h i ch to animals and

He is a g en tlem
,

things without life ; as “

,
an w h o
”
keeps a horse and lives re spectably To the .

dog w h i ch pinne d the Old woman they cried , ,

C aesar This is the tr ee w h i ch L arkins call

ed a h e lm .

L arkin s — I s ay N ibbs ven is a helm bo x like a

, ,

asthm atic al chest ?

Nibbs —Ven it S a cofii n
.
’
.

Th at as a relative is used to prevent the t o o

, ,

frequent repetition Of w h o and w h i ch and is ap ,

plied both t o pers o ns and things ; as “

H e th at ,

”
stops the bo ttle is a Co r k man This is the

W
“
.

”
h o use that Jack built .

h o is Of both numbers ; and s o is an E dit o r ;

f o r according t o what we obser v ed j ust n o w he is
,

b o th singular and plural ho we repeat is Of

both n umbers, and is thus dec lined :
. W ,
,

SI N G U LAR AN D P L U RAL .

N ominative Who
Is the maiden to woo ?
G enitive . Whose
Hand shall I choose ?

A ccusative . Whom

W
T o despair shall I doom ?

h i ch, that, and w h at are indeclinable : except

76 TH E C OM I C E N G LI SH GR A M M A R .

that w ho s e is sometimes used as the possessive case

o f whi ch as ,

The poor dea r laments amain

r o e, , ,

IVho s e sweet hart was by hunter slai n

/
.

Thus w ho s e is substituted fo r of w hi ch, in the

foll owing example
There is a blacking famed of w hi ch ,

The sale made Day and M artin rich ;

There i s another blacking w h o s e ,

W
”
C ompounder patronised the M use .

W W WW
ho , and w hat when they are used in
w h i ch, ,

asking questions are called Interrogatives ; as

, ,

”
h o is M r alker ? . h i ch is the left side
”
o f a round plum pudding ? h a t is the dam
-

”
age ?
Those who have made popular phraseology their
study will have found that w h i ch is sometimes
,

used fo r w h er eas and words of like signification ;

,

’
as in Dean Swift s M ary the C o o kmaid s L etter
“ ’

”
to Dr S heridan
.

“
A nd n ow I know w hereby you would fain make
an excuse

W
,

S ee r
a r en s
’
Ode to Ki t t y o f S h o e L an e, A d vert i s e
men t s , L o n d o n Pres s , p ass i m .
 E TY M O L O G Y . 77

W
Because my maste r o n e day in anger call d yo u ’

a goose ;
h i ch and I am sure I have been his servant
,

since O cto ber ,

A nd he never c alled me worse than sweetheart ,

W
”
drunk o r sober .

to spe ak more i m
h at, o r, properly w o t is , ,

generally substituted by cabmen and costermongers

”
for w ho as The d o nkey w o t wouldn t go
, The ’
.

”
man w o t sweeps the cr o ssing .

Th at likewise is very frequently rejected by the

, ,

vulgar who u s e as in its place ; as Them as asks

, ,
’
shan t have any ; and them as don t as k don t want
’ ’

”
any .

S E C TI ON I II .

OF TH E A DJ E C TI V E PR O N O U N S .

A DJ E CTI VE pronouns partake the nature o f of

both pronouns and adj ectives They may be s u b .

divided int o four sorts : the possessive the di s t r i ,

bu t i ve the demonstrative and the indefinite

, , .

The possessive pr o nouns are those which imply

possession o r property O f these there are seven ;
namely m
.

t h h i s h er o u r o u r th ei r
y y y
The word s elf is added to possessives ; as m
, , , , , , , .

y ,

”
self yourself Says I t o myself, says I
, , S elf i s .

H 3
78 TH E C OM I C ENGLI S H GR A M M A R .

also sometimes used with personal pronouns ; as ,

himsel f itself themselves H i s self is a common

, , .
,

but not a proper expression .

S E L F E ST E E M
-
.

The distributive are three : each every ei th er , ,

they denote the individual pers o ns o r things sepa

r at el which when taken together make up a
, y , ,

number .

E ach is used when two o r more persons o r

 ETY M O L O G Y . 79

things are mentioned singly ; as each o f the ,

”
C atos each o f the Browns .

E very relates t o one o u t o f several ; as E very ,

”
mare is a horse but every h o rse is not a mare
,
.

E i th er refers t o o n e o u t o f two ; as ,

When I between t w o j ockeys ride ,

”
I have a knave o n ei ther side .

N e signifies n o t either ; as N ei ther o f

i th er “ “

”
the B ac o ns w as related to H o gg .

The dem o nstrative pronouns precisely point o u t

the subjects t o which they r elate ; such are th i s
and that with their plurals thes e and tho s e ; as
, ,

“
Th i s is a fo reign Prince ; th at is an E nglish
”
Peer .

Th i s refers to the nearest pers o n or thing and ,

t o the latter o r l ast menti o ned ; th a t to the m o st

distant an d t o the fo rmer o r first mentioned ; as

, ,

”
Th i s is a man ; th a t is a nondescript A t the .

period o f the R eformation in Scotland a curious ,

c o ntrast between the ancient and modern eccle

s i as t i cal systems w as o bserved ; fo r while t h a t had

been al w ays maint ained by a B u ll th i s was n o w ,

supp o rted by a Kn o x ”
.

The indefinite are those which express their

subjects in an indefinite or general manner ; as
m
,

so m e, o th er , a n
y , o n e, a ll, su ch, 8 .
80 THE C OM IC E N G L I SH GRAMMAR
‘

When the definite article th e comes before the

word o ther those who do not know better ar e ac
, ,

customed to str ike o u t the h e in the and t o s ay , ,

o th er
’
t

The same persons also use o ther in the co m

.

ar at i v e degree ; for sometimes instead o f saying

p ,

quite the reverse o r perhaps r ew er s e they avail

themselves o f the expression m
, ,

o r e t o th er
’
, .

So much for the Pronouns .

 THE C O M I C ENGL I SH GRAMMAR .

A Verb N euter expresses neither action n or

passion but a state of being ; as I bounce I lie

, , ,
.

F act M adam
j or
,

G rac ro u s, M a

O f Verbs R egular Ir regular and Defective, we

, ,

shall have somewhat to s ay here after .

Verbs C omic are , fo r the most part, verbs which

can n ot be found in the dictionary, and ar e used t o
 ETY M O L O G Y . 83

express ordinary actions in a j o cular manner ; as ,

” “ ” ”
to morris to bolt to mizzle which sign i fy
, , ,

” ”
to go o r t o depart ; to bone to prig that is to , ,
”
s ay t o steal ; t o
, c o llar which means to seize an , ,

expression pro bably derived from the mode o f pre

h en s i o n o r rather apprehensi on characte ristic o f
,

the N ew Police as it is o n e very m uch in the

,

mouths o f those who m o st frequently come in con

” ”
tact with th at body : to lush o r drink ; to grub
“
, ,

”
o r eat ; to sell o r deceive 850
, , .

Under the head o f Verbs C omic the Yankee ,

” ” ”
isms I calcul ate I reckon I realise I
, , , ,

guess and the like may also be properly en u

m
, ,

er at ed .

A uxiliary, helping Verbs (by the way we

or ,

marvel that the A mericans do not call their s er

vants auxiliari es instead o f helps ) are those by , ,

the help o f which we are chiefly enabled to con

jugate o u r verbs in E nglish They are do be
have sh all will m
.
, , ,

, a
y c
, an wi t h their
,
variations ,; ,

an d let and must which h ave n o variation

, .

L et howe ver when it is an y th i ng bu t a h elpi ng

, ,

v erb as
, fo r inst ance when i t signifies to h i n der
, , ,

makes lettest and letteth The phrase This .

,

House to L et generally used inste ad o f to be

,
”
let really meaning the reverse of what it is i n
,

tended to convey is a piece o f comic En glish

,
.
84 THE C O M I C ENGL I SH GRAM M AR .

To verbs belong N umber Person M ood and , ,

Tense These m
,

a be called the properties of a

.
y
verb ; and like those of o pium they are sopo ,

r i fero u s properties There are t w o very imp o r

.

tant o bjects w hich the writer of every book has ,

o r ought to have in vie w to get a reader w h o

,

is wide awake and to keep him

, s o : — the latter
o f whi ch when N umber Person M ood and Tense
, , , ,

are to be treated o f is n o such easy matter ; s ee

,

ing that the said writer is then in some danger

o f going to sleep himself N ever mind I f w e
. .

nod let the reader wink What can t be cured

, .
’

must be endured .

S E C T I ON II .

O F N UMBE R AN D P E RSO N .

VE RB S have t w o numbers the Singular and ,

the Plural ; as I fiddle we fiddle & c

, , , .

I n each number there are three persons ; as

SI N G U L A R PL U RA L . .

First Perso n 1 love We love .

Second Person Th o u lovest Ye o r yo u love .

Third Pers o n He loves They love .

What a de al there is in every G rammar about

love ! Here the fo ll o wing L ines by a Y o ung ,

L ady ( n o w no more ) addressed to L indley M ur

,

ray deserve to be recorded

,
86 TH E C O M I C ENGL I S H GRAMMAR .

power will o r obligati o n : as

, , A waiter m a
y b e ,

h o nest Yo u may stand up o n truth o r lie I can

. .

fil ch . He would cozen They should learn .

”
.

The Subj unctive M ood is used to r epresent a

thing as d o ne conditionally ; an d is preceded by a
conj unction expressed o r underst o o d and aecom
, ,

n i ed by an o ther verb : as l
p a
!f the skies shou ,d
”
f all larks would be caught
,
“
Were I t o pun ch.

your head I should serve you right that i s

, if ,
”
I were to punch y o ur head .

The Infinitive M o o d expresses a thing generally,

w ith o ut limit ation an d with o ut any distincti o n o f
,

number o r person : as to quarrel to fight t o be

, , ,

”
licked .

The Participle is a peculiar form o f the verb ,

an d is s o called because it participates in the pro

,

er t i es b o th o f a verb and o f an adj ective : as

p ,
”
M ay I have the pleasure o f dan c i n g with yo u ?
M o u n ted o n a tub he addressed the byst anders .

”
H avi n g uplifted a stav e they departed , .

The Participles ar e three ; the Present o r A c

tive the Perfect o r Passive and the C ompound
, ,

Per fect : as I felt nervous at the thought o f pop

,

p gi n the questi o n but that once po

, pp ed I was not ,
”
sorry f o r h avi ng popped i t .

The worst o f poppi n g the question i s that the ,

r e o r t is always sure to get abr o ad

p .
 ET Y M O L O G Y . 87

S ECTI O N IV .

OF TH E TE NS S E .

T E N S E is the distinction o f time and c o nsists o f ,

s i x divisions namely the Present the Imperfect

, , , ,

the Perfect the Pluperfect and the First and

, ,

S econd Future Tenses .

Time is als o distinguished by a fore lock scyth e , ,

and hour glass ; but the y o uthful re ade r must be ar

-

in mind that these things are not to be confounded

,

wi th tenses .

The Present Tense as its name implies repre

, ,

sents an actio n o r event occurr ing at the presen t

time : as ,
I lament ; rogues prosper ; the mob
rules .

T he Imperfect Tense represents a p ast acti o n

o r event , but which like a mutton ch o p may be
, ,

either thoroughly d o ne o r n o t th o ro ughly d o ne ;

,

were it m eet we sh o uld say u n der do n e

, as -
,

Whe n I w as a little boy s o me fifteen years ag o ,

M y mammy do ted o n me — L ork she m ade

”
me quite a show .

Whe n our reporter l eft the Honourable , G en

tlem an w as still on his legs .
88 TH E C O M I C ENGLI SH GRAMMAR .

“
The legs o f most Honourable G entlemen
”
must be tolerably stout ones ; fo r the majority “

do n o t stand o n t r ifles However we are not

going to co m
,

m
.

i t ourselves like s o m, e fo lks no r to

m
,

et c o m i tt ed like th er f olks ; s o we w ill leave

g , o
”
H o n o u r able G entleme n to manage matters their
o wn w ay .

The P erfect Tense declares a thing to have been

done at some time though an indefinite one ante
, ,

cedent to the present time That ho w ever which

.
, ,

the Perfect Tense represents as done is com ,

l et el or as we sa
y o f John Bull when he is
p y
hu m
, , ,

bugged by the thimble rig people regularly -

,

”
done ; as I have been o u t o n the river
, I h ave .

caug h t a crab .

C atching a crab is a thing r eg u lar ly ( in an other

sense than completely ) done whe n civic swains ,

pull young ladies up to R ichmond We beg to .

inform persons unacquainted with aquatic phrase

”

W
ology that pulling up young ladies o r others
, , ,
”
is a very diff erent thing from pulling up an
omnibus conductor o r a cabman hat an equi .

vocal language is ours ! How much less agree

”
able to be pulled u p at Bow Street than to be
pulled up in a W herry ! h o w wide the disere
pancy between pulling up radishes an d pul
”
ling up horses !
90 T H E C O MI C E N GL I SH GRAMMAR .

time ; as The tailor w i ll s en d my coat home to

,

morrow and when I find it perfectly convenient I ,

”
s h all a him
p y .

The Second F u ture intimates that the action

will be completed at o r before the time o f another
future actio n o r event ; as I wonder how many
conquests I s hall have m
,

a de by t o mo r row morn -

In
g .

N B O ne bal l is often the means o f killing

. .

a gr eat many people .

The consideratio n o f the tenses suggests various

moral reflections to the thinking mind .

A few examples will perhaps s u fi i ce

1 P r es en t th o ugh moderate fruiti o n is pre
.
, ,

f er abl e t o splendid but c o ntingent fi

, t tu r i t
y i e . .

A bird i n the h an d is w orth two in the bush .

2 Im p f
.er ec t nutriti o n i s less to be deprecated

t han privation o f aliment ; a new way o f putting -

an old proverb which we need not agai n insert

, ,

respecting half a loaf .

3 P erf ect callidity was the distinguishing attr i

.

bute of the C urved Pedestrian .

C allidity is another word for craftiness ; but for

the exercise o f the reader s ingenuity we fo rbear ’

to mention the pers o n alluded to as s o remarkable

for his astutious qualities .
 E TY M O L O G Y . 9I

Q What
. species of w r i t i n
g is most conducive to

morality

S E C T ION V .

C O N J U G A TIO N U XI L I A R Y V E R B S HAV E

W
TH E or TH E A To AN D

To B E .

have o bserved that boys in conjugating

E ,

verbs give n o indications o f delight except that

, ,

which an ingenu o us dispositi o n always feels in the

acquisiti o n o f knowledge N ow having arrived at .
,

that part of the G rammar i n which it bec o mes

necessary th at these same verbs should be c o n
s ider ed we feel o urselves in an awkward dilemm a
, .

The omission o f the co n jugati o ns is a s er i o u s

omission — which o f course i s objection able in a
, ,

co m i c work — an d the inserti o n o f them would be

equally serious and therefore quite as improper
, .

?
What s ha ll we do We will ad o pt a middle c o urse ;
referring the reader t o M urray and other talented
authors fo r full in formati o n o n these m atters ; and
requesting h i mt o be content with o u r confining
ourselves t o what is more especially s u itable t o
these pages — a sho r t summary o f the Co m i cali t i es
of verbs
The C onj ugation o f a verb i s the regular co m
.
92 TH E C O M I C EN GL I S H G RAMMAR .

binati o n and ar rangement of its numbers persons , ,

moods and tenses

, .

The C omicalities o f verbs c o nsist in certain li

be rties t aken with their numbers persons moods , , ,

an d tenses .

The C o nj ugati o n of an active ve r b is called the

A ctive Voice and that o f a passive Verb the P as
,

sive Voice .

If verbs have v o ices it is but reasonable that ,

walls should have ears .

The auxili ary an d active verb T o Have is thus

peculiarly conj ugated by some people in some o f
its moods an d tense s .

T O H AV E .

IN D I C A T I V E M OO D .

P RE SE NT TE NSE .

SI N G U L A R . PL U R A L .

1 . Pers I h as
. . 1 . Pers We h as . .

Thee s t Ye o r yo u h as
’
2 . . 2 . .

3 . He ve ’
. 3 . They h as .

PE R F E CT TE N SE .

SI N G U L A R .

I . I z e had
’
. 1 . We ze h ad .

2 . Thee s t had ’
. 2 . Ye o r you ze had ’
.

3 . H e ve had
’
. 3 . They ze h ad ’
.
94 T H E C O M I C EN G L I S H GRAMMAR .

IN F I N I T I VE M O O D .

Present, TO ha ’
.
P erfect, TO a had .

P A R T I C I PL E S .

Present o r A ctive , H avu n or Avun .

Pe rf ect ,
’
Ad .

C ompound Perfect, Hav an ’

ad .

The auxiliary and neuter verb TO Be is mal

,

treated as follows

TO BE .

( Toby o r not To by ?; that is the question

IN D I CA T I VE M OOD .

PR E SE NT N SE

W
TE .

PL U R A L .

l I be
.
‘

.
1 . be
e .

2 Thee bist
.
2 Ye o r you be
m
. .

3 He s he o r it a
3 They be o r am
.
. .
.

I M P E R F E CT TE N SE .

SI N G U L A R .
PL U RA L
l I wor, o r w u s
.
.
1 . We wus .

Q Thee wort
.
.
2 . Ye o r you wu s .

3 He wur
.
.
3 . They wur .

When I s ay as mean as you were , .

 ETY M O L O G Y . 95

PE R FE CT TE NS E
SI NG U LA R . PL U R L A .

I ve a bin We ve a bin
’
1 ’
. . 1 . .

2 . Thee s t a bin’
. 2 . Ye o r yo u v e a bin ’
.

”
3 . He ve a bin . 3 . They ve a bin ’
.

I M P E RA T I VE M OOD .

SI N G U L A R . PL U R L A .

1 L et I be
. . I . L et we be .

2 B e thee o r thee be D O ee be
’ ’
st 2

m
. . . .

3 L et n u be
. . 3 . L et u be .

I N F I N I TI VE M O O D .

Present Tense , F o r to be Perfect

.
, For to ha bin ’
.

P A R T I C I PL E S .

Present Beun , . Perfect , Bin .

C o mpound Perfect , Havu n bin .

If bei n g a yo u n s t er I h ad n o t been smitte n

, ,

O f ha vi ng been jilted I should n o t compl ain ,

Take w arning fro m me all ye lads w h o ar e bitten ,

When this p art Of G ramm ar o ccurs to y o ur brain .

A s t here is a certain i n ten s i ty Of feeling abro ad

m
,

which renders people indisposed t o tr o uble the

selves with ver ba l matters we shall take the li ,

berty Of making very sh o rt work Of the R egu

lar V erbs Even M urr ay can only affo rd t o con
.

jugate o n e example — T O L ove The learner , .

96 T H E C O M I C ENGL I S H GRAMMAR .

must amplify this part Of the G rammar fo r him

self : an d we recommend him t o substitute fo r
“ ”
to love some word less harrowing to a s en
,
”
s i t i v e mind : as to fleece t o t ax verbs which
“
, , ,

W
excite disagreeable emotions only in a sordid o n e ;
and which als o by associati o n Of ideas c o nduct
, ,

us to useful reflections o n P o litical E con o my e

m
.

advise all wh o it may concern however to pay , ,

the greatest attenti o n to this part Of the G rammar ,

and be fore they come to the Verbs R egular to ,

make a particular study Of the A uxili ary Verbs

not o nly fo r the excellent reas o ns s et f orth in
”
Tristram Shand y but also t o avoid those aw k
,

ward mistakes in which the C omicalities Of the

Verbs or Verbal C omicalities chiefly consist
, , .

Did it rain to m o rro w

-
asked M on sieur G re
nouille .

Yes it w as I replied M onsie u r C rapaud

We propose the following as an au xi li ary m
.

o de

o f conjugating ve r bs z — “
I l o ve to roam on the
crested f oam Thou l o ves t t O roam o n the crested
,
‘

f oam He l o ves to roam o n the crested fo am We

‘

, ,

love to r o am o n the crested foam Ye o r you l o ve ,

to ro am o n the crested foam They love to roam ,

”
on the crested fo am St e These w o rds if s et
, .
,

to music might serve for a gramm atic al g lee and

would at all events be productive of m
, ,

, , i r th .
98 TH E C O M I C ENGL I S H GRAMMA R .

S EC T I ON V I .

TH E C O N J U G A TIO N OF RE G U L AR V E RBS C
A T I VE .

R E G U L A R V E R B S A CTI VE are kno wn by their

fo rming their imperfect tense Of the indicative
mood and their perfect participle by adding to the
, ,

verb ed o r d only when the verb ends in e : as

, ,

P RE S E NT . I M PE R F E C T
. PE R F . P A R TI C I P.

I reck o n . I reck o ned . R eckoned .

I realise . I realised . R ealised .

Here S h o uld fo ll o w the c o njugation Of the regu

l ar active verb o r as a C o ckney R ome o would s ay
, , ,

the r eg u lar torturing v erb T O L ove ; but we have ,

already assigned a g o o d reason f o r omitting it ;

besides which we have to s ay that we think it a ,

v erb highly unfit f o r c o njugation by y o uth as it ,

tends t o put ideas int o their heads which they

w o uld o therwise never h av e th o ught Of ; an d it is
m o reover o u r Opini o n that several o f o u r m o st
,

gifted poets may with re as o n h ave attributed those

, ,

unfo rtun ate at t achments which though formed in ,

early y o uth served t o embitter their wh o le lives

, ,

t o the pois o n which they thus sucked in with the

milk s o t o speak Of their M other To ngue the

, , ,

G rammar .
 ETY M O L O G Y . 99

P A SSI V E .

V erbs Passive are said t o be r egular when their ,

perfect participle is fo rmed by the addition of d o r ,

”
ed t o the verb : as from the verb ,
“
T O bless is ,

formed the passive “

I am blessed I was blessed
, , ,
”
I shall be blessed Si c , .

The conjugation o f a passive verb is n o thing

m o re than the repetiti o n Of that Of the a u xili ary
T O Be the perfect participle being adde d
, .

A nd n o w h aving cut the regul ar verbs (as A lex

,

ander did the G ordi an kn o t ) instead Of conju g ating

them let us proceed to consider the
, ,

I RR E G U L A R VE R B S .

SE C T I ON V II .

I R R E G U L A R VE RE S are th o se Of which the imper

‘

feet tense and the perfect par ti ciple are n o t formed

by adding d o r ed to the verb : as ,

PR E S E N T . I M P RFE CT P E R FE C T P RT
E . A .

I blow . I ble w blown . .

TO say I am blown i s under cer t aI n C i rcum, ,

stances such as windy and tempestuous weather

,
‘
,

proper enou gh ; but I am blowed it will at once be ,

perceived i s n o t o nly an ungrammatical but also a

, ,

vulgar expression .
1 00 TH E C O M I C ENGL I SH GRA M MAR .

G reat liberties are taken with the Irr egula r

Ve r bs insomuch that in the mouths o f some per
,

sons dive r s Of them become doubly irregular in the

,

formation Of their participles A mong such Ir r e

.

gular Verbs we may enumerate the f ollowin g

P RE S E N T . I M PE R FE C T
. PE R F . OR P A SS . PA RT .

Am wur bin .

Beat bet o r h at e bat e .

Burst bust busted .

C atch cotch co t ch ed .

C ome kim co rned .

C reep crup crup .

Drive dr u v dri v .

F r eeze fr iz froze .

G ive guv g i v .

GO goed went .

R ise riz rose

m
.

See s id s in , 8 .

Some verbs which in this co u ntry are held to

be regular are treated as i rr egular verbs in A me
,

r ica : as ,

PE R F . O R PA SS P A R T . .

W
I O W I]
’
.

S II O II .
1 02 TH E C O MI C ENGLI SH G R A MM AR .

O ught ought, with 1 before it, stands, ( in school

,

boy phrase ) f o r 1 00
.

Ti s n aught, s o to speak , however says M u r

’
,

ray .
 ETY M O L OG Y . 1 03

C HA P TE R V II .

OF A DVE RB S .

HAV I N G as gr eat a dislike as the youn gest Of o u r

readers can have to repetitions we shall n o t s ay ,

what an adverb is over again It is nevertheless, .

,

right to Observe that some adverbs are compared :

,

as, far farther farthest ; near nearer nearest In

, , , , .

comparing those which end in ly w e u s e m o r e and

and m
,

o s t : as slowly more slowly most slowly

, , , .

Q Who Of all the civic functionaries, moves

.
,
”
most slowly ?
A M r Hoble r
. . .

There are a gr eat many adverbs i n the English

L anguage : their number is probably even gr eate r
than that Of abusive epithets They are divisible .

into certain classes ; the chief Of which are Number ,

O rder Place Time Q uantity M anner or Q uality

m
, , , , ,

Doubt, A ffi r ati o n N egation Interrogation and

, , ,

C omparison .

A nice little list tr uly ! and perhaps some Of

,

o u r r eade r s may suppose that we are going t o ex

em li
p y f it at length : if so all we can s a
y with re

gard to their expectation is that we wish they m

,

a
, y
1 04 T H E C O M I C ENGL I SH GRAMMAR .

get it gratified I n the meantime we will not turn

.
,

o u r G rammar into a dictionary , t o please anybody .

However we h ave no Obj ection to a brief illus

,

t rat i o n o f the uses and properties Of adverbs as ,

contai ned in the fo ll o wing pass age

F or m er l
y w h en fi
g
r s t I be an to preach and t o
,

teach wh i th er s o ever I went the little boys followed

, ,

me and n o w and th en pelted me with brick bats

,
-
,

as h er etof b r e t hey pelted Ebenezer G rimes A nd .

w h en s o ever I opened my mouth s tr a h tw ay s the

ig ,

ungodly began to crow Of ten t i m es was I hit in

m
.

the mouth with an orange : y ea and o n ce o r eo ver , , ,

with a rotten egg ; w h er eat there was much laugh ’

t er which n o tw i th s tan di n g I t o o k in good part

, , , ,

and w rped my face and lo o ked pleas an tly F o r

, .

er a dven t u r e I said they will li sten to my sermon ;

p ,

y ea and after that we may h ave a c o llecti o n S O I

w as n o w i s e di s c o m
, .

fit ed ; w h er g o r e I advise thee
‘
,

Brother Habakkuk t o t ake n o heed Of thy per

,

s ecu t o r s seeing that I w h er eas I w as once little

, ,

better o ff than thyself have n o w a chapel Of mine,

o wn . A nd h er ei n let thy mind h e comfo rted , that ,

preach as much as thou wilt against t h e B ish o p ,

thou wil t n o t ther ej o r e in these days be in d anger

‘

, , ,
”
Of the pillory H o wb eit 81 0
.
, .

Vide L ife Of the l ate pious an d R ev S amuel .

Simcox ( letter to H abbak u k B rown ) .

1 06 TH E C O M I C ENGL I SH GRAMMAR .

CHAPTER IX .

OF C O N J U N CT I ON S .

A C ON J U N CT m N m eans li terally a union ,

or

meeting together . A n ill ass o rted marriage is

-

A C O M I C A L C O N J U N C TI O N '
 ETY MO L O G Y . 1 07

But o u r conj unctions ar e used to connect words

and sen tences and have nothing to do with the
,

joinin g o f hands They are chiefly Of t wo sorts

.
,

the Co pul ati ve and Disj unctive .

The C o pulative C o njuncti o n is empl o yed for

t h e connecti o n o r continuation Of a sentence : as ,

”
J ack an d G ill went up the Hill I will sing
m
,

”
a s o ng
if G ubbins will A thirsty
, an is like
”
a C ity G i ant bec a u s e he is a G o g f o r drink
, .

The C o nj uncti o n Disjuncti ve is used n o t o nly

fo r purposes Of c o nnecti o n but als o to express,

o pp o siti o n Of me aning in di fferent de rees : as

g ,

Th o ug h L ord J o hn is as cunning as a F o x y et ,
”
Sir R o bert is as deep as a Pitt We pay less .

f o r o u r letters bu t sh all h ave t o pay more fo r our

,

panes : the y h av e lightened o u r postage bu t they ,

”
will d arken o u r r o o ms .

C o nj uncti o ns ar e the h o o ks and eves Of L an

guage in which as well as in dress it is very
, , ,

p o ssible to m ake an awkw ard use Of them : as ,

F o r if the year c o nsist Of 36 5 d ays 6 h o urs ,

a n d J an u ary ha v e 3 1 d ays t h en the rel ati o n be

,

tween t h e c o rpuscul ar the o ry o f l ight an d the n ew

v iews Of M r . O w en is at once subverted : f o r ,

When Ign o rance i s bliss tis fo lly t o be wise

,
’

beca u s e 1 7 6 0 yards m ake a mile ; a n d it is uni

ver s all ackn o wledged th at w ar is the m adness
y
1 08 T H E C O M I C ENGL I SH GRAMMAR .

o r e S i r Isaac
Of many for the gain Of a few there f
N ewton was quite right i n supposing the diamond
”
to be combustible .

The word as s o Often used in this and other

,

G rammars is a conj unction : as

, ,M r s A is as
. .

”
well as can be expected .
1 10 TH E C O M I C ENGL I S H GRAMMAR .

CHAPTER X .

W
I N T E R J E C T I ON S .

E have said almost enough about their E ty

m o lo
gy already Still it
. may not be
, s u
per flu

ous to bestow a passing notice o n the singularly

expressive character Of certain Of these parts Of
speech heard it i s true repeatedly ; but unac
, , ,

countably omitted in all previous G rammars For .

instance how many lives does the warning Hoy

, ,

o f the coachma n o r cab driver daily save ? -

What
an amount Of in fanti le aberrations from pro priety is
the admonitory Paw paw the means Of check
-

ing With what felicity is acquiescence denoted

.

by Umph The utility Of the Interjections o n

va ri ous occasions such as o u r meals fo r example
, , ,

in enabling us to economise o u r speech is very ,

striking .
 ETY M O L O G Y . I II

CHA PTER XI .

O F D E R I V ATI O N .

T H O S E who know L atin G reek Saxon and the

, , ,

other languages from which o u r o w n is formed ,

do not require t o be instructed in philologic al de

ri vat i o n and o n those who do not understand the
said tongues such instruction would be thr o wn
,

away In what manner E nglish words are de

.

rived o n e from another the generality Of pers o ns

, ,

kno w ve ry well : there are however a few words

, ,

and phrases which it is expedient to trace to their

,

respective sources ; n o t only because such an ex

er ci s e is Of itself delightful to the inquiring mind ;

but because we shall thereby be furnished ( as we

hope to sh o w ) with a test by means Of which o n ,

he aring an expression for the first time we shall ,

be able in most instances to decide at once r e

, ,

specting its nature and quality .

There are sever al words in the E nglish L an

guage which were originally Terms Of A rt but
came in process o f time to be applied m
,

et a h o
p
112 TH E C O M I C ENG LI SH GRAMMAR .

r i ca lly to the common purposes Of discourse Thus .

lodgings are sometimes c alled qu a r ter s ; a word

which in its restricted sense signifies the l o dg
, ,

ings Of soldiers ; ill habits like diseases are said

, ,

to be r em

W
edi ed ; men hope as if indicted f o r an
,

O ffence that ladies will a cqu i t th e

, m Of i n at ten
tion and S O f orth
, hen as in the I nstan ces
.
,

cited the word o r phrase can be t raced back eithe r

,

to one Of the L earned Professions o r to any s ource ,

savouring Of gentility it is esteemed a proper o n e,

,

and there is no Objection to i ts use .

N ow we have divers othe r words Of w hich ,

many have but recently c o me into vogue w hich , ,

though by no means improper o r immoral are ah ,

s o l u t el un u tterable in any polite assembly It is

y .

not at first very easy to see what can be the Oh

, ,

j e c t i o n to their use ; but derivation expla i ns it for

u s in the most satis f actory manner The tr u th i s .

,

that the expressions in question take their origi n

m
fro vari o us trades and occupations in which they ,

have for the most part a literal meaning ; and we

, ,

now perceive what horrible suspicions respecting

o ne s birth habits and education their figurative
’

, , ,

employment would be likely t o excite T0 make .

the matte r indisputably clear, we will explain our

position by a few examples .
1 1 45 THE C O MI C ENGLI S H G RA M MAR .

W W
I

W
O DS R PH R AS E S
AN D H AT D E R I V E D F R O M
. .

T O put one s o ar in ( to i n ter

’

fere ) , ate r men .

Get o n with your barro w D o gs meat men ’

- - .
,

Kiddermins t er ( fo r carpet ) U pholsterers , .

M ahogany ( fo r table ) Ditto , .

Dodge ( trick ) ,Pickpockets .

( N B A ll
. those
. are obliged to have r ecourse to
the do dg e w h o are in the habit Of o u tru n n i ng the
,

constable ) But to proceed with o u r E tymology

.
,

TO bung up an eye , Brewers .

T o ch alk dow n , Public ans .

A cl o se shaver ( a miser ) , Barbers .

T O be o ff your feed , O stlers .

Hold hard ( stop ) , O mni bus men -

.

N umerous examples similar t o the foregoing , ,

will no d o ubt present themselves in addition to

, , , ,

the mind Of the enlightened student We have .

not, however quite done yet with o u r remarks o n

,

this division o f o u r subject The intrinsic vul .

garity Of all modes Of speech which may be traced

to mean o r disreputable persons will o f course n o t , , ,

be questioned But — and as we have g o t hold Of

.

a nice bone we may as well get all the marro w we

,

c an out Of i t — the principle which is n o w u nde r

 ETY M O L O G Y . 115

considerati o n h as a much wider range than is ap

parent at first sight .

N o w we will su pp o se a red hot l o ver addressing

-

—
the goddess Of h is idolatry by the w ay how ,

strange it is that these goddesses should be always

,

h aving their temples o n fire that a Queen Of ,

Hearts sho u ld ever be seated o n a burning throne

but to return t o the lover : he was to s ay s o me
thing Well then let A B be the lover H e
.
, , . . .

expresses himself thus

“
M ary my earthly h o pes are centred in you
, .

Yo u need n o t doubt me ; my heart is true as the

dial to the s u n Wo rds cannot express how much
.

I l o ve yo u N or is my affection an ordinary feel

.

ing : it is a more exal ted and a more enduring s en

ti m en t than that which u su ally bears its n ame I .

have d o ne I am not eloquent : I can s ay no more

.
,

”
than that I deeply and sincerely love you .

This perhaps wil l be r egarded by connoisseurs

, ,

W
as t o lerably pathetic and for the kind Of thing n o t
,

very ridiculous N O let A S S be the lover ;

.
, . . .

and let us have his version Of the same story

M ary my c apital in l i fe is invested i n you
, .

Yo u need not stick at giving me credit ; my he art

is as s afe as the Bank o f England The sum total
Of m
.

y l o ve f o r you defies calcul ation N or is my .

attachment anything in the common way It is a .

1 16 T H E C OM I C ENGL I S H GRAMMAR .

superior and more durable article th an that in

general wear M y stock Of words is exhausted I
. .

am no wholesal edealer in that line A ll I can s ay .

is tha t I have a Vast fund o f unadulterated aff ec

,

”
tion for you .

In this e ffusion the S tock E xchange the M ul ,

t i pli cat i o n Table and the L inendraper s and G ro

’
,

’
cer s shops have been draw n upon for a clothing t o
’
the suitor s ideas ; and by an unhappy choice Of
words the most delightful and amiable feelings o f
,

o u r nature without which L ife would be a Desert

,

an d M an a bear are invested with a r idiculous dis

,

guise .

We would willingly enlarge upon the topic which

we have thus slightly handled but that we feel ,

that we should by so d o ing intrench t o o far o n ,

the bound aries Of R hetoric to which s cience more , ,

particularly than to G rammar the c o nsiderati o n Of ,

M etaphor belongs ; besides which it is high time ,

t o have done with E tym o logy Here then gentle .

, ,
.
.

men if you please we shall pull up

, , .

Pull up what an expression

“ Well Sir did you never hear that next to the
, ,

B ar the first school Of grammatical eleg ance is the

S tag e
118 TH E C OM I C ENG LI S H GRAMMAR .

A sentence i s an aggregate Of words forming a

complete sense .

Sometimes however a sentence is an aggr egate

, ,

o f words fo rming complete nonsense : as ,

They are very civil and attentive t o the small

est order and furnish a house entirely complete
, ,

”
u i n eas , a ll n ew an d w ell s eas o n ed.
f or t w en ty - s even g
A dvertisement in the Times .

Sentences are Of two kinds simple and com ,

pound .

A S imple sentence has in it but one subject and

o n e fini t e verb ; that is a verb to which number ,

and person belong : as A j oke i s a j oke , .

A compound sentence consists Of two o r m o re

simple sentences connecte d together : as A j oke ,

i s a joke but a ducking is no j o ke

, C orpulence is .

”
the attribute Of swine mayors and oxen , , .

Simple sentences may be divided ( if we choose

to take the trouble ) into the E xplicative or explain
ing ; the Interrogative o r asking ; the Imperative, ,

or c o mmanding .

A n explicative sentence i s in other words a , ,

”
direct assertion : as Sir you are impertinent
, , .

J o hn s o n .

An interrogative sentence merely asks a ques

”
tion : as A re you a policeman ? H ow s your
“
,
’

Inspecto r
 SY N T AX . 119

H ow s your I n spe ct o
’
r ? ”

A n imperative sentence is expressive of command ,

exhortation o r entreaty : as
, Shoulder a rms !
,
'

Turn out your toes Charge bayonets

A phrase is t w o o r more words properly put t o
gether making either a sentence or part Of a s en
,

“ ”
tence : as, G o o d morning ! “
Your most Obe
dient
1 20 T H E C O M I C ENGL I S H GRAMMAR .

Some phrases c o nsist Of two o r more words

W
improperly put together : these are improper
”
phrases : as
, N O then Old stupid !
, S tand
o u t Of the sunshine

O ther phrases consist Of words put together

”
by ladies : as , A duck o f a man A love Of
,

W h at a du k of a man 1
c
1 22 THE C O MI C ENG LI S H G R AMM AR .

The nomi n ative denotes the subject and u sually

,

goes before the verb o r attribute ; and the word

o r phrase,
denoting the Object follows the verb ;
,

as The flirt torments her lover Here a fl i r t

is the subject ; to r m
.
, ,

en ts
, the attribute o r thing
a ffirmed ; an d h er lo ver the Object
, .
 SY N TAX . 1 23

Yes and a pretty o yect he is too sometimes

, , .

But then we shall be told that he i s n o t an Oh

jcet — Of attachment A las ! that is the ve ry
.

reas on why he i s an Obj ect — Of compassion o r ,

ridicule according to people s dispositions

,
’
.

It may be also said that the flirt herself is a

p r ett
y Object A ll we
. can s ay i s that we never ,

s aw such a fl ir t, nor do we believe that we ever

shall .

T O torment it seems is the attr i bu te Of the

, ,

flirt as it is that of the

, Well ! n o matter .

M uch good may the fellowship do her : that is all

It strikes us though that we are somewhat di
, ,

gr essing from o u r subject namely Syntax which , , ,

Principally consists Of two parts ( which the flirt

does n o t for s h e is all body and no soul ) C oncord
,

and G o ve rnmen t .

C onco rd is the agreement w hich o n e word has

with another in gender number case o r person
, , , .

N o te — That a want Of agreement between words

does not invalidate deeds We apprehend that such
.

an engagement as the following properly au th en ,

ti cat ed would hold good in l aw

,
.

Wm
I ose J o n stubs t o o Poun for valley r es eved an
p romis to pay Him N ex S at taday
S igned i llu G ibs i s pd M ark
M arch 1 8 1 84 0 ,
.
1 24 TH E C O M I C ENGL I SH GRAMMAR .

A lso that a fr iend Of ou rs , to whom the follow

in gbill was sent could n o t have refused to dis
,

charge i t o n the score Of i ts incorr ect grammar .

TO J Burton
. .

l .

R epari n g Of To w o Tables St M u ex

Stand
A u l t ern Of 2 E li nes 85 To u lr o ler
B o t al j ock br ak et 85 seter j obs
( et ceter a )
N ewpo t board B ar er s 85 s ci r t i n 8 m
.

stapel
L ocks to C u bard do w r s Sc E sing do
laying down flour cloth 85 fiti n g up
Top o f B utt
Fixing L eth er to Outing Of S het
B owrs in parlor ers in first flour
1 Bli n 2 par Of R oler E nd St R ack pu
leys fixing Of cer ti n L aths in L argin
Of Ol e Of washing stand 8: 2 h o l efas s
Fixing w ebbi n to S tand and fix g m
L egs to washing s tu le
F i t i n g u p front Of Dus tbin 8c C ubbar d
on L anding alte rn lock Of sele r dowr

1 11 4
1 26 TH E C O M I C ENGL I SH GRAM MAR .

” ’
rule : as , I o wn I likes good beer You m a .

? ” ’
fine fellow aint yer , He ve been t o the
”
S uch modes Of speaking ar e adopted
’
Squire s .

by those who neither know nor car e anythi n g about

grammatical corr ectness : but there are 0
sons who car e a great deal about it but u n fo rt u ,

n at ely do n o t k n o w what it consists in Such folks .

are very fond o f s ayI n g H o w It rain ! ”

It fit
m
,
”
you very well He s ay he think it very u
.

” ”
becoming I were gone befo re you was come
, ,

and S O forth in which forms Of speech they per

,

c ei ve a peculiar elegance .

The infinitive mood o r pa rt Of a sentence is

, ,

sometimes used as the nominative case to the

verb : as t o be good is t o be happy : which
“

is as gr ammatical an assertion as To by G ood is

”
To by H appy ; and r ather surpasses it in respect
Of sense . That two pippins are a pair is a pr o ,

position which no m an in his senses will deny .

T0 be a connoisseur in boots ,

T O hate all rational pursuits ,

T 0 make your money fly as though ,

G old would as fast as mushrooms grow ;

’
T O haunt the O pera s ave whene er ,

There s anything worth hearing there 4

’

T O smirk t o smile to bo w to dance

, , , ,

T O talk Of what they eat in France ,

 S Y N T AX . 1 27

To lan g mh
simper sue an d sigh
s , , , ,

A nd s t u fl her head wi th flattery

'

A re me an s to gain tha t worthless par t

”
A fash io n able lady s heart ’
.

Here are examples enough in all conscience, ,

o f infinitive m o ods serving as nominative cases .

A ll verbs save only in the infinitive mood o r

,

participle require a n o minative case either ex

,

pressed o r understood : as R ow with me down

,

” ”
the river that is R ow thou o r do thou r o w
, , .

”
C o me where the aspens quiver come thou , ,
” ” “ fly
o r do th o u come F l y not yet ;
. not
”
th o u o r do not thou fly
, Pass the ruby ;
. pass
”
thou o r do th o u pass the ruby ( not the R ubi co n )
, .

”
“
Drink t o me o nly ; drink thou o r do thou ,

”
drink only . Wake dearest w ake ; , wake ,

”
thou o r do thou wake
, Tell her I love her ;
.

“
tell th o u o r do thou tell her I love her
,
, In .

short you cannot listen t o a hawker Of ballads

crying his comm
, ,

odities about the streets with o ut ,

hearing illustrations Of the fo reg o ing rule M o ve .

”
on ! the well known mand ate Of p o licemen to
those who create Obstructi o ns is a very common
m
,

exe
p li fica t i o n Of it The nomin ative case is easily
.

u n der s to o d in the latter instance ; and the pers o n

addressed if he pretend that it i s not does s o at

, ,

his o w n pe r il .
1 28 THE C O M C ENGL
I ISH GRA MM AR .

A well known popular song a ffords an example

of the violatio n Of this rule

W
.

’
Ven as the C aptain co rned for to hear o n t,
”
ery much applauded vo t s h e d done’
.

The verb applauded has here no nomin ativ e

case whereas it ought to have been governed by
,
”
the pronoun h e He ve ry much applauded St e
. ,
.
 W
1 30 THE C O M I C ENGL I S H GRA MMA R .

he n a verb comes between two nouns either ,

Of which may be taken as the subject Of the af

m
fir ati o n it may agree with either o f them : as
, ,

Two and sixpence i s half a c r own

- -
Due r e - -

gar d however should be paid to that n oun which

, ,

is most naturally the subject Of the verb : it would

be clearly wr ong to s ay Ducks and gr een peas
,
” ”
i s a delicacy Fleas i s a nuisance
. .

A nominative case standing without a personal

,

tense Of a verb and being put before a participle

, ,

independently Of the rest Of the sentence is called

M y brethren to m
,

a case absolute : as , orr ow ,

-

bei n g Sunday I shall pr e , ach a sermon in Smith

field ; after which we shall join in a hymn , an d
t hat h avi n g been s u n , B r othe r Biggs will address
g
o u
y .

The Objective case is sometimes incorr ectly

made absolute by showmen and others as Here, ,

gentlemen and ladies you will s ee that gr eat war

,

rior N apoleon Bonaparte standing agin a tree

with his hands in his pockets h i mtaking good
,

car e t o keep o u t Of harm s vay A nd there o n ’

.
,

the extreme right, yo u will Observe the D u ky Vel

li n ton a valki n g about amidst the red h o t can n on -

balls h i m,not caring vo n st r aw .

 SY N TAX . 1 31

RU L E II .

T wo or more singul ar nouns, joined together by

a C opulative conj uncti o n expressed or underst o od
, ,

ar e equiv alent to a plural noun and therefore r e ,

quire verbs nouns and pronouns agreeing with

, , ,

them in the plural n u mber : as Veal wine and

, , ,

”
vinegar ( take care how you pronounce these
”
words ) are very g o od victuals I vo w Burke .

” “
and Har e were nice men . A hat without a
 THE C O M I C ENGLI SH G RA MM AR .

crown a tattered c o at threadbare and o u t at el

, ,

bows a p ai r Of breeches which looked like a piece

,

Of dirty patchwork diversified by various holes and ,

Of boots which a Jew would hardly have raked fr om

a kennel at o nce proclaimed him a an who had
, m
”
seen better d ays .

This rule is n o t always adhered to in discourse

quite s o closely as a f astidious ear would require
it to be : as A nd s o you know M ary and I
, , , , ,

and Jane w as a dusting the chairs and in comes ,

”
M issus .

R U LE I II .

When the conj unction disj unctive comes be

tween two nouns the verb n o un Or pronoun is Of
, , , ,

the singular number because it refers to each Of

,

such n o uns taken separately : as A cold in the ,

head or a sore eye i s a great disadvantage to a

,

lover .

If singular pronouns o r a noun and pronoun Of ,

di ff erent persons be disj uncti v ely c o nnected the

, ,

verb must agree with the person which stands

”
ne arest to it : as I o r th o u a r t Thou or I .

am
”
. I thou o r he i s 81 0 B u t as this way
, , , .

Of writing o r speaking is very ineleg ant and as ,

saying E ither I am o r thou art

,
”
and s o on
, , ,

will always r ender having recourse to it u n n eces

1 34 T H E C O M I C ENGLI SH GRAMMAR .

”
s i o n ed .The multitude have to pay many taxes .

W
“

W
The C ouncil ar e at a loss to know what to do .

The people i s a many headed monster -

.

e do not mean to call the people n ames e .

only quote what all parties s ay Of it when o u t Of

Ofli ce . When they are i n it is — w h y we may ex , ,

haust the alphabet about it as Sterne tried to do ,

about L o ve ; but he couldn t get farther than R ; ’

.

and therefore if we break down it is no matter

, , .

S O we will e en try a leap ; and as the maxim

’

”
“
audi alteram partem is a favourite o n e with all
rightly constituted minds o u r o wn inclusive we , ,

w il l s ee what can be said o n both sides The .

people then i s termed

, , ,

B y th e I n s . B y t h e Ou ts .

A n apprehensive people , A n addle headed people - .

A blessed people, A burdened people .

A chivalrous people, A currish people .

A delightful people, A disgusting people .

A n enlightened people, A n embruted people .

A free pe o ple , A fettered people .

A glorious pe o ple , A grovelling people .

A high minded pe o ple

-
, A h o ggish people .

A n intelligent pe o ple , A n impene tr able people .

A j udicious people , A j o lter headed people

- .

A knowing pe o ple , A knotty pated people

- .

A lively people , A lubberly people .

 SY N T AX . 1 35

B y th e I n s . B y th e Ou t s .

A magnanimous people, A miserable pe o ple .

A noble people, A iggardly pe o ple

n .

A n Obliging people , A n o dious people .

A pious people , A pr o fane people .

A quiet people, A quarrelsome people .

A r ighte o us people, A rascally people .

A sensible people , A stupid people .

A Tory people, A truculent pe o ple .

A n upright pe o ple , A n unprincipled people .

A virtuous pe o ple, A V l C l OU S people .

A Whig people , A wicked people .

An X cellen t pe o ple
-
, A n X ecr abl e people
-
.

A yielding people, A yelping people .

A zetetic pe o ple , A zany people -

.

A nd now for a l ittle more Syntax .

RU LE V .

Pronouns agr ee with their antecedents and with ,

the n o uns to which t hey belong in gender and ,

number : as This is the blow w h i ch killed N ed

, .

E ngl and w as once g o verned by a celebrated King ,

w h o was called R ufus the R ed but w h o s e name was

,

by no means so illustrious as th at Of A lfred His

”
G race and the Baronet had put on thei r boots .

The C o untess appeared and s he smiled but the

, ,

”
smile belied her feelings .
1 36 TH E C O M I C ENGL I S H GRAMMAR .

The relative being Of the same person with the

antecedent the verb always agrees with it : as
, ,

”
Thou w ho learn es t Syn tax I w h o en lig hten thy
.

”
mind .

The relative w h at ( incorrectly pronounced ) is

sometimes used i n a manner which is very ex

W
c e t i o n able : as
“
The gentleman w o t k ee s the
p , p
wine vaults
-
N one but lovers can feel fo r them
w o t lo ves
. e mention this error once more in ,

order to insure its abandonment .

The Obj ective case Of the personal pronouns is

by some for want Of better information employed
m
, ,

in the place o f th es e and th os e : as “

L et th e
N o w then J em
,

things alone . es make haste , ,

with th emchops G ive themtables a wipe

.
”
.

O h ! Julier turn themheyes away ”

What s ’

m
, .

the use 0 an ci pat in th emniggers

’
Don t you
’ ’

wish you was o n e Of th emlobsters ? I think

th em shawls s o pretty L ook at them sleeves .

The adverb th er e is sometimes with additi o nal

impropriety joined to the pronoun th em as L ook
, ,

, ,

after themther e sheep

The Objective case Of a pronoun in the first per
s o n is p ut after the interjections Oh and A h I as ,

”
O h dear ru e Sac The second pers o n however
, . , ,

requ ires a nominative case : as O h yo u good fo r ,

-

nothing man A h thou gay L othario

1 38 TH E C O M I C ENGL I SH GRAMMAR .

were the character o f S ire for that Of s o n and be

, ,

comes the governed instead Of the g o ver n o r ; de

pending for its c ase o n some word in its own em m
ber Of the sentence : as He w h o i s n o w at the
“

head o f affairs w ho mthe Q uee n delighteth to

,

honour w h os e Pavilion (if the C ourt had been

,

there ) might have been at Brighton and to wh o m ,

is intrusted the helm Of state — is a L amb .

Well it is to be hoped that he will get o n in h i s

,

boat a little better than a bear ; though why that

animal is considered s o peculiarly at s ea when o n
the water we cann o t tell M an is the only sailor
,
.

except the nautilus that we know Of E ven the .

steer is no s teer s m
an The bear however is an ill
.
, ,

conditioned awkward creature and very likely to

upset the boat ; while the more gentle lam
, ,

b what ,

ever may be the perils Of his situation leaves the ,

rudder alone remains quietly i n his place and

, ,

goes with the stream .

RU LE V II .

The relative and the verb when the f ormer is ,

receded by two nomin atives Of di ff erent persons

p ,

W
may agr ee i n perso n with either according to the
'

sense : as I amthe young gentleman w h o do the

,
”
lovers at the ells o r,
“
w h o do es .
 SY NT AX . 1 39

L et this maxi mbe borne co

stantly in mind
n A
md
.

ur er er Of good characters should always be made

an exa m
pl f
e o
”

R U L E V III .

m
E very adjective, and every adjective pronoun , re

lates to a substantive expressed or i plied : as

, ,
1 40 TH E C O M I C ENGL I SH GRAMMAR .

Dando was an unprincipled as well as a vo r acious ,

man Few quarrel with their bread and but

ter ; that is few per s o n s
, This i s the wonder
.

” ”
ful eagle Of the s u n That i s This eag le
.
“
, ,

A dj ective pron o uns agree in number with their

substantives : This mu ff these mu ffs ; that booby
m
,

these boobies ; another n u m

,

”
s cu ll other n u s cu lls , .

”
S o me people s ay Th o s e kind Of things or , ,

Th i s four and twenty year neither Of which ex

- -
,

pressions they have any business to use .

A good deal Of speculati o n has been expended

o n the word m ean s in connection with an adj ective

p r onoun Some w ill have it that we should s ay

.
,

”
By this mean By that mean ; By these
means By those means others that w e should ,

s m
“ ”
sa
y, By t h i ean s and SO o n
, The practical .

rule to be Observed i s to treat the substantive , ,

means as a singular noun when it refers to what

,

W
is S ingul ar and when it relates to that which i s
,

plural as a plural o n e The word m

,
. ea n is seldom

used i n the Same sense with means e have been .

induced to advert to this question by the des Ir e Of ,

giving the reader a caution respecting the use o f this

same word m ,ean s It is n o t uncomm o n to hear it
.

said i n the streets and elsewhere Well and then

m
, , ,

o u know Jem was took afore the beak b ean s

y , y ,
”
of which he had th r ee months Sall w as quite .
14 2 T H E C O M I C ENGL I SH GRAM M AR .

The article a o r an is sometimes ( we gr ieve to

sa
y )
it applied to nouns in the plural numbe r : as ,
” ”
A wine vaults
-
. A n oyster ro o ms But this
-
.

misapplication Of the article is positively shock

ing.

RU LE X .

O ne substanti ve in the po s s es s I ve or genitive

,

case, is governed by another Of a different mean

,

A fiddle stick s end ”

M onkey s al ’
ing : as,
-
’
.

”
lowance . Virtue s r eward
’
.
 SY NT AX . 1 43

Pronouns as w ell as nouns are thus g o ve rn ed

, ,

by substantives : as The woes Of a kitten ( like

,
”
those Of a Poet ) are expressed by i ts mews .

R U L E XI .

A ctive verbs govern the Objec t ive case : as , I

kissed h er .
”
She scratched m e Virtue r e .
”

”
wards h er f o llo w er s .

F o r which reason s h e is like a co o k .

Verbs neuter do n o t govern an Objecti ve case .

O bserve therefore that such phrases : as

, , She ,

am
” ”
cr i ed a ood on e He c e th e o ld s o ldi er over me
g , ,

an d so forth are highly improper i n a grammatical

,

point Of view to s ay nothing Of other Objections t o

,

them .

These verbs h o wever are capable Of g o verning

, ,

words Of a meaning similar to their o wn : as in the ,

affecting ballad Of G iles Scr o ggins

I wont she cried and s cr eam
, , ed a s cr ea m .

The v erb T 0 Be has the same case aft er it as

”
that which g o es befo re it : as I t w as I n ot
, ,

I t was m e . Th e G r u bbs were t hey w h o eat s o

much trifle at our last party not The G r u bbs es
were th em ”
.

R U L E XI I .

O ne verb g o verns another that depends upon it,

1 44 T H E C O M I C ENGL I S H GRAMMAR .

in the infinitive mood : as C ease to s m o k e pipes

,

”
Begin to w ear c o llars I advise yo u to s h ave
. .

”
I recommend you to g o to church I resol ved .

t o v i s i t the U nited States .

“
A nd there I learned to w h eel about
A nd j ump Jim C row .

In general the prep o sition to is used befo re the

,

latter Of t w o verbs ; but sometimes it is more pro

“
perly omitted : as I s aw yo u tak e it young fel
, ,

low ; come along with me L et me g et hold Of

.

”
you that s all 7
,
’
Did I h ear you speak I 11 ’

let you k n o w Yo u dare n o t h i t me Bid .

m e di s co u r s e Yo u need n o t s i n g
.
”
.

The preposition f o r is sometimes un n ecessarily

intruded into a sentence in addition to the prepo
,

sitiou t o before an infinitive mood : as

,
“
Ho w ,

came yo u f o r to think f o r to go f o r to do such a

, ,

”
thing ? “
D O you want me f o r t o punch your
head
A djectives substantives and participles Often
, , ,

govern the infiniti v e mood : as M iss Hopkins I , ,

shall be happy to d ance the next set with you .

” “
O h Sir it is imp o ssible to refuse you
, Have .

”
you an inclination t o waltz ? “
I shall be de
lighted i n endeavouring to do s o .
 1 46 TH E C O M I C ENGLI SH GRA MMAR .

R U L E X I II .

The relation which words and phrases bear to

each other in po I n t Of time sh o uld always be duly
,

marked : instead Of saying L ast night I intended ,

”
to have made strong love to her we should s ay , ,

“
L ast night I intended to make stro n g love t o
her ; because although the intention Of m
”
, aking
s t r o ng l o ve may have been abandoned (on r eflec
tion ) this morning and is n o w therefore a thing
, , ,

which is pas t yet it i s undoubtedly when last

, ,

night and t h e t h oughts c o nnected with it are

br o ught back again present to the mind
, .

R U L E XI V .

Participles have the s ame power o f government

with that Of the verbs from which they are de
rived : as O h what an exquisite singer R ubini
,

I ams o fo nd Of h ear i n g h i m
,

”
is L ook at that .

horrid man ; I declare he I s qu i zzi n g u s N O he ,

is only tak i ng s n ufi ”
See h o w that thi n g Oppo
f

site keeps m
.
,

ak i n e es Y es she is o li n L um
g y .
g g ,

”
ley I should s o like to pinch her ! H o w f ond
they all are Of w ear i n g m u s tach es Don t yo u ’

like it ? ” “
O h yes ! there is no r es i s t i n g them
,
”
.

Heigho I am dy i n g to h ave an ice

 SY N T AX . 1 47

Young man fo r a husband M iss ? ,

F or shame Sir ! don t be rude’

,

Participles are sometimes used as substantives

as The French mouth is adapted to the m ak i n g

ri m
,
”
a
f g ace s The c o bbler is like the parson ; he

lives by th e m
.

”
en di n
g f o soles The tailor
. reap s
”
a g o od harvest from the s ew i ng of cloth “
Did .

? ”
y o u ever s ee a s ho o ti n
g f o the moon
Is this wh at the witches mean when they sing ,

in the acting pl ay Of M acbeth ,

”
We f ly by night ?
”
If they “ shoot the moon , they are shooting

T here is a mode Of using the i n definite article a

before a participle for which there is n o o ccasi o n
, ,

as it does n o t convert the p articiple into a s u b

s t an t i ve and makes n o alt eration in the sense Of
,

what is said ; in this c ase the a r ti c le therefo re , ,

is like a wart a wen o r a kn o b at the end Of the

, ,

nose neither useful n o r ornamental : as

,
“
G oing ,
”
o u t a sh o oti n g A re you a coming t o morro w ?
.
-

”
I w as a thinking about what Jem said Here .

”
you ar e a going Of it as usual !
, ,

A liberty not unfrequently taken with the E ng

lish L anguage is the substitution o f the perfect
m
,

participle fo r the imperfect tense and Of the i ,

~
1 48 TH E C O M I C ENGL I SH GRAMMAR .

perfect tense for the pe rfect participle : as He ,

“

r u n like mad with the gr eat dog a fter him

, Ma
ria co m e and told us all abo u t it
”
When I had .

w r o te the Valentine I sealed it with my thimble

, .

”
He has r o s e t o ( be ) a common councilman -
I .

”
was ch os e L ord M ayor I ve eat ( or a cat ) lot s
’

o f veni so n in my t i m
.

”
e I should have spo k e if
.

Y o u were m
” ”
o u hadn t put in your o ar i s to o k
’

y . .

H e sent her an aff ecting copy Of v erses whic h ,

”
w as w r o te with a P er ryi an pen .

RU LE X V .

A dverbs are generally placed in a sentence be

'

fore adj ecti ves aft er ve rbs active o r neuter and

, ,

frequ ently between the auxiliary and the verb : as

m
,

H e came Sir and he w as o s t exc eedi n l d ru n k

, , g y
he co u ld h ar dly s tan d upon h i s legs ; he made a
ve r
y l a m e discourse ; he s
p o k e i n c o h er en t l
y and
ri d i cu lou s ly ; and w a s i m p a t i en t ly h ea r d by the
” ”
whole assembly . He i s f h s h i o n ably dressed .

”
She i s con spi cu o u s ly u g ly .The eye Of jealousy
i s pr o ver bi ally s harp and yet it i s i n di spu tably
m
,

r e e n
”
Britons a
y of t en b e s o ld but they w i ll
g . ,

”
n ever be slaves The Fr ench M arquis w as a
m
.

h r m i n
g man ; he da n c ed e x
q u i s i te
ly and n i b ly
m
v ye r c a ,
”
and was g r eat ly ad i r ed by all the ladies .
1 50 TH E C O M I C ENGL I SH G R AM M AR .

besides the new adverb a word which if not also , ,

n ew to the E nglish student i s rendered s o both by ,

its orthography and pronunciation ; namely ch aw ed

m
.
,

”
This ter is no other than “
chewed modifi ed ,

( as words like living things would seem t o be )

, ,
'

by transportation to a foreign country C hawed .

up is a very strong expression and is employed t o

signify the most complete state Of di s co m
,

fit u r e and
defe at when a man is as much crushed mashed
, , ,

and comminuted morally speaking as if he had

, ,

literally and corporeally undergone the process Of \

”
mastication C atawampously is a concentrati o n
.

”
of “ ” ”
hopelessly “
tremendously
,
“ thoroughly , ,

“
and irrevocably ; s o that catawampously chaw
”
ed u p means brought as nearly to a state Of
, ,

utter annihilation as anything consistently with th e

laws Of nature can possibly be F o r the met a .

p h o r i cal u s e Of the word “

chawed made by the ,

A mericans three several r easons have been given

,

1 Famili arity with the manner in which the alli

.

gator disp o ses Of his victims 2 Th e cannibalism . .

Of the A borigines 3 The delicate practice Of

. .

che w ing tobacco E ach Of these is supported by

.

numerous arguments o n the consideration o f which

,

it would be quite o u t Of the question to enter in

this pl ace .
 SY N T AX . 1 51

R U L E XV I .

Two E nglish negatives ( like French lovers ) de

stroy one another —and become e quivalent t o an
,

a ffir mative : as , The question be fore the House

was n o t an u n i m p o r tan t one ;
”
that is it was an ,

”
important o n e . His L ordship w as free to con
fess that he did n o t unde rtake to s ay that he would
n ot o n some future occasi o n give a satisfactor y
”
answer to the right honourable gentleman .

Thus at o n e and the same time we teac h o u r

, ,

reade r s Syntax and secretiveness .

It is probable that small boys are Often unac

u ai n t ed with this rule ; for many Of them while
q ,

undergoing personal ch astisement exclaim fo r the , ,

purpose as it w o u ld appear Of causing its duration

, ,

to be shortened O h pray Sir Oh pray Sir Oh

, , , ,
”
pray Sir ! I w o n t do s o n o more l
,
’

R U L E X V II .

Prepositi o ns govern the Objective case : as ,

”
What did the butcher s ay of h er ? He said
that she would never do f o r h i m that s h e was too
”
thin f o r a w ife and he was n o t fond of a spar e r i b
,
.

The del icate ear is much o ff ended by any devi a

tion from this rule : as in a shocking and vu lgar
,

song which it w as once our misfortune to hear

1 52 T H E C O M I C ENGLI S H GRAMMAR .

The r e I found the faithless sh e

”
Frying s au Sag es j b r h e .

As the con v ers ation o f rustics : as

in It s
’
also
“ '

”
C ome Ou t of th ey tater s !
’
all o n e to w e He
F r o mh e to th ey
.

W
went to the Parson s w i th I ’

”
an t more n o r dree mile
’
.

e had occ asion in the E tymology t o remark , ,

o n a certain misuse o f the preposition of : This , ,

perhaps is best explained by stating that of in the

m
, ;

instance s cited i s ade t o usurp the government

W
,

Of cases which are already under a rightful j uris

”
diction : as hat are yo u g o t a eating of ?
,

He had been a beating of h i s w ifi z

”
.

R U L E X V II I .

C onj unctions connect S imilar moods and tenses

Of verbs and cas es Of nouns and pronouns : as
, ,

A coat Of arms s u spended o n a wall is like an

executed traitor ; it i s h ang ed dr aw n an d qu ar ter , ,
” “
ed If you continue thus to dr i n k brandy and
water a n d to s m
.

o k e cigars o u will be like Boreas

y ,

the N orth w ind wh o tak es cold with o ut

,

wherever he g o es an d always blo w s a cloud

‘

,
’

”
w hen it comes in his w ay D O yo u think there .

is any thing between h i m an d h er Yes ; h e an d

”
s h e are eng aged ones .
1 54 THE C O M I C ENGL I SH G R AMM A R .

O vid in fo rms u s , h ad mo r e between them than they

l iked — a conj unction disjunctive in the S hape Of a
wall A nd by the bye , now that we ar e speaking
.

Of Pyramus and Thisbe , we may as well expend a

word o r two o n a matter which, th o ugh Of much
interest h as never yet been noticed by the learned
, .

P yr amus and Thisbe, it is w ell known used to kiss ,

W
each other through a hole in the wall which sepa
rated them N O we have always been puzzled t o
.

imagine h o w they managed it We are told by the .

Poet that they lived

U bi di ci tu r al ta m
C o ct ili bu s m u ris ci n xi s s e S emiramis u rbe
”
m
that is to s ay where Semiramis i s said to have s u r
,

rounded a lofty city— not with co ck tai l mi ce as M r -

, .

”
C anning facetiously translated C o cti li bu s m uris ,

— but with br i ck w alls T he wall which separated

.

two adj oining houses must hav e been at least a

brick thick ; and although it be possible with ,
”
L ove s light win gs to O er per ch an exceedingly
’ ’

high wall it Occurs to us that it would be no easy

,

thing f o r L ove s long lips let them be as long as

’

o u will to reach through a moderately thick o n e

y , .

We do n o t know exactly what was the breadth Of

an A ssyrian brick but supp o sing it t o have bee n
,

three inches an inch and a half Of lip would have

,
 SY N T AX . 1 55

been required o n the par t Of either l o ver for a kiss

—
which could barely be sw o rn by a sort Of pre
sc u t ation s alute ; — but for o n e w o rth giving o r
taking we must all o w an addition al h alf inch Of
,

mouth t o the gentleman A fter all their n o ses

.
,

must h av e been s O much in t h e way th at to m ake ,

the Operati o n at all feasible either these fe atures

,

m ust h ave been p articul arly flat o r the aperture a ,

very l arge o n e ; where as it is well known t o h ave

been merely a C hink C o mmon Observati o n o n the
.

part o f their respective p arents would have de

W
t ect ed such a gap and c o mmon prudence would
,

hav e st o pped it u p H O then are we to recon

.
, ,

cile O vid s sto ry with truth ? N ow remember

’

, ,

reader what h as been sai d about noses and lips

,
.

O ur deliber ate o pini o n is th at Pyr amus and Thisbe

were a co uple of n eg r o es We shall be t o ld that it
.

is o n e utterly i rr eco n cileable with the descripti o n

o f them gi v en in the M etamorphoses N O matter .

Th e lunatic the lover an d the poet

, , ,

A re Of im agination all compact .

A nd considering th at the l o ver

Sees Helen s beauty in a brow of Eg ypt,
’

we do not s ee why A byssinian charms sh o uld n o t

be transfo rmed by a poet into th o se Of A ssyri a .

A nd s o h aving proved ( to o u r o wn satis facti o n

,
156 TH E C O M I C ENGL I SH GRAMMAR .

at least ) that the beautiful Thisbe w as a Hot

t en t o t Venus we wi ll resume the co n sider ation
,

o f conj unctions .

R U L E XI X .

Some conj unctions govern the indicative ; some

the subj unctive mood In general it i s right to
.
,

use the subj unctive when contingency o r doubt

,

W
is implied : as , If I w er e to s ay that the moon
” ”
is made o f gr een cheese .
“
If I w er e a wiseacre .

If I w er e a iltshire man -
A lady u n les s
.
,
”
s h e be t o as t ed is never drunk
, .

A nd when she is toasted th o se who are drunk

,

are generally the gentlemen .

Th e L adies
1 58 THE C O M I C ENGL I SH GRAMMAR .

Often heard t o exclaim , What did yo u hit me

f o r yo u great fool ? yo u r e bigger th an m
’

, e . Hit

some on e Of your o wn size N ot fling fart her

t h an h i m Yo u and
”
? j ust can t I that s all !
’ ’

I have got more marbles than them

,
”
.
 SY N T AX . 1 59

R U L E XXI .

A n ellipsi s, omissi o n Of certain words, is

or

frequently allo wed fo r the s ake Of avoiding di s

,

agreeable repetitions and Of expressing our ideas

,

in few w o rds Instead Of saying

. She was a
little woman s h e w as a round woman and s he
, ,
”
w as an Old woman we s ay making u s e Of the
, ,

figure Elli psis , She was a little round and Old , ,

”
woman .

When however the omission o f words is pr o

, ,

du cti ve Of Obscurity weakens the sentence o r

, ,

involves a Violation Of some grammatical principle ,

the ellipsis must n o t be used It is impro per to say .

Puddings fill who fill them ; we should supply

the word tho s e A beautiful leg Of mutton and
.

”
turnips is n o t good language : those who would
deserve what they are talking about o ught to s ay ,

”
A beautiful leg Of mutt o n and fine tu rnips .

In comm o n disc o urse in which the meaning ,

can be eked o u t by gestures sign s and i n ar t i cu , ,

late s o unds v ariously modified the ellipsis is much ,

more liberally an d more extensively employ ed than

in w ritten composition M ay I have the plea
.

”
sure Of — hum ? ha ? may c o nstitute an invita
ti o n to take wine I shall be quite — a a
m
.

may s erv e as an answer in the afli r at i ve SO .

1 60 T H E C O M I C ENGL I SH GRA M MAR .

then you s ee he was — eh — you s ee is

m
,

perh aps an intimatio n that a an has been han ged .

”
Well o f all the , I never ! is Often tanta
mount to three times as many words expressive
Of surprise approbation o r disapprobation ac
, , ,

cording to the t o ne in which it i s uttered Will .

you ? — ah ! — will you ? h ah ! h! ”

will do either fo r Will you be s o impertinent you ,

”
scoundrel ? will yo u dar e to do s o an o ther time ?
or , Will you dearest loveliest most adorable Of
, , ,

your sex will you consent to make me happy ;

,

will you be mine ? speak answer I entre at you ! ,

O ne w o rd from those sweet lips will make me the

most f o rtunate man I n exrs t en ce
There i s however a kind Of ellipsis which
, ,

those w h o indulge i n that style Of epistolary writ

ing wherein sentiments Of a tender nature are con
,

v e ed will do well to avoid with the greatest care

y , .

The ellipsis alluded to is that o f the first person,

singul ar o f the pers o nal pronoun as instanced in ,

the following model o f a billet doux -

C amb erw el l ,

A p i l 1 1 84 0
r , .

M YD E A R E ST F AN N Y ,

Have not e n j oyed the balm Of sleep all the

livelong n ight E ncountered last nigh t, at the
.
,
1 62 TH E C O M I C ENGL I S H GRAMMAR .

It should be G r een acr e was more admired th an

,

”
Burke but not so much lamented
, .

O f these two worthies there will be a notice Of

the f o llowing kind in a bi o graphical dictionary ,

to be published a thousand years hence in A merica .

G R E E N A C R E — A celebrated critic w h o s o cut

“

u a blue st cking lady Of the name Of Brown

p o-
,

that he did n o t leave her a l eg t o stand upon .

B U R KE . A famous o rator wh o se power Of ,

stopping people s m o uths was said to be pr o digious

’
.

It is farther reported Of him that he w as only

o nce hung up and that o n the occasi o n Of the last
,

speech he ever made .

Perhaps it may be said that the rule last stated

comprehends all preceding rules and r equires
exem
,

pl i ficati o n accordingly We therefore.call the

attention Of the reader to the foll o wing paragraph
requesting him to consider what and h o w m
,

any , ,

violations Of the maxims Of Syntax it contains .

We teaches that is my s o n and me teaches

, , ,

they boys E nglish G rammar T o m or Dick hav e .

learned something every day but Harry what i s

idler whom I am sure will never come t o n o
,

g o o d for he is always a miching an d d o ing those

,

kind Of things (he was catch but yesterday in a

skittle grounds ) he o nly makes his book all dog s ’
 SY N T AX . 1 63

ears I beat he t o o pretty smartish as I ought

.
, , , ,

you will s ay fo r to have did , I was g o ing t o .

have sent him away last week but he somehow

got over m e as he do always I have had s o .

much trouble with he that between you and I , ,

if I w as n o t paid fo r it I wouldn t have n o ,

’

m o re t o do with such a bo y There never .

wasn t a m o nkey m o re mischievi o us th an him ;

’

an d a d o nkey isn t m o re stupider and n o t half S O

’

”
o bstin ate as th at y o ungster .

Th e Syntax Of the Interjecti o n has been s u fli

ci en tl
y stated under R ule V Interjections a ff ord .

m o re matter for consideration in a Treatise o n

E locution th an they do in a w o rk o n G rammar ;
but there is o n e Observation which we are desirous of
m aking respecti n g them and which wil l not it is , ,

h o ped be thought altogether fo reign t o o u r present

,

subject A lmost eve ry interjecti o n h as a great variety

.

Of meanings ad apted t o particular o ccas i o ns and

,

circumst ances and indicated chiefly by the tone Of

,

the v oice O f this pr o p o siti o n we sh all now give a

.

few illustrations which we would ende av o ur to

,

render still clearer by the addition Of music al notes ,

but th at these would hardly express with adequate ,

exactness the modulations Of sound t o which we

,

allude ; and besides we hope t o be s u fli ci en tl nu

, y
1 64 T H E C O M I C ENGL I S H GRAMMAR .

der s t OOd without such help This part Of the .

G rammar sh o uld be read aloud by the student ; o r ,

which is better still the interj ection where it is

, ,

possible should be repeated with the proper i n

,

tonation by a class ; the sentence which gives 0 0

c asion to it being read by the preceptor We will .

select the interjection O h ! as the source fr om

which o u r examples are to be drawn .

I 11 give it yo u yo u idle do g : I will

’
,

O h pray Sir ! O h pray Sir ! O h ! O h ! O h !

, , , ,

I shall ever h ave the highest esteem fo r you ,

”
Sir ; but as to love that is o u t Of the question
,
.

”
O h M atilda !
,

I say Jim look at that ch afli n ch : there s a

, ,
’

”
O h, C rikey !
”
M iss Tims, do yo u admire L ord Byron ?
”
O h yes I
,

? ”
What do yo u th ink Of R u bi n i s singing ’

Oh
S O then yo u s ee, we popped round the corner
, ,

and caught them j ust in the nick Of time .

Oh !
Sir y o ur beh aviour has done you great credit
, .

”
Oh !
O ats are looking up .

Oh
1 66 T H E C O M I C ENGL I S H GRAMMAR .

PA R T ’

IV

P R OS OD Y .

P R O S O DY consists Of two parts ; wherefore ,

though it may be a topic a head o r subject for

, ,

discussion it can never b e a point ; f o r a po i n t

,

is that which hath n o parts Besides there are a.

,

great many li n es to be c o nsidered in the second

p art o f Prosody which treats Of V er s i ficat i o n The
, .

first division teaches the true Pronunciation Of

Words including A ccent Q uantity E mphasis
, , , ,

Pause and Tone

L ord C h es t erfield s book about m
.
,
’
anners which ,

is intended t o teach us the pr o per to n e to be adopt

ed in Society may be termed an E thical Prosody
, .

L ord C hesterfield may have been a polished

gentleman but Dr Johnson was Of the two the
, .

more shining character .

 P R OSODY . 1 67

C H A PT E R I .

OF P R O N U N C I AT I O N .

S EC T I O N 1 .

OF A CC E N T .

T H O U G H pen etr ated ourselves by the desire o f

imp arting instructi o n we are f ar fro m wishing t o
,

bo r e o u r read ers ; and therefo re we sh all en

deav o u r to repeat n o thing here that we have said
before .

A ccent is the marking with a peculiar stress Of

the voice a particul ar letter o r syllable in a word ,

i n such a manner as to render it more distinct o r

audible than the rest Thus in the word th eatr e
.
, ,

the stress Of the vo ice should be o n the letter e and

first syllable the ; and in cdn tr ary o n the first s yl ,

lable co n H o w shocking it is t o hear pe o ple s ay

.

h e ti tr e ! The friends Of education will

’

co n t r a r
-
,y
-
t

be reminded with regret that an err o r in the pr o

,

n u n ci at i o n Of the first Of these words is very early

impressed o n the human mind .

1 68 T H E C O M I C ENGL I SH GRAMMAR .

M ary M ary , ,

Q uite contr ary,

How does your garden gr ow ?

How many evils, alas ! arise from j uvenile asso

ci at i o n s !
Words Of two syllables never have m o re than
o n e Of them accented except for the sake of pe en ,

liar emphasis G e ntlemen however whose pro

.
, ,

f es s i o n it is to drive certain public vehicles called

cabs are much accust o med to disregard this rule
, ,
” ”
é n te
’

and to say p , lite ( or

“-
p II r
g é el -
,

— ” ”
c O c é rn
n
p
, O lice and S O o n : nay they go s o
-
, ,

far as to convert a word Of o n e syllable int o t w o ,

for the s ake Of indulging in this style Of pr o n u n

”
ci at i o n ; and thus the word queer is pronounced
“

”
by them as k é v eer -

The word a m
.

é n when standing alone sh o uld

-
, ,

be pr o nounced with two accents .

The accents i n which it usual ly i s pron o unced

are very inelegant C lerks now a d ays alas ! are
.
,
- -
,

no scholars .

Dissyllables formed by adding a termination

, ,

usually have the former syllable accented : as ,

”
F OOli s h , bl Ock h ead,
The accent in dissyllables formed by pr efixi n g a ,

syllable to the radical word is commonly o n the ,

1 70 T H E C O M I C E N GLI S H GRAMMAR .

The ze al howev er Of a reformed rake like that

m
, , ,
”
o f Jack in Dean Swift s Tale Of a Tub is so e
’

,
;

times apt t o outrun his discretion.

When the same word being a dissyllable is both

, ,

a n oun and a verb the v erb has mostly the accent

,

o n the latter and the noun the former syll ble

o n a
,

as ,
 P R OSODY . 1 71

M o lly let Hymen s gentle hand ’

m
,

C e én t our he arts t o ge t her ,

'

With such a c ément as shall stand

In spite Of wind an d weather .

I pres ti ge — and Oft a fact

do
A pr é sage doth fo retoken
O ur m u tu al love sh all ne er contr act ’
,

”
O ur c On t r act ne er be broken ’
.

There are many exceptions to the rule j ust

enunciated ( s o that c o rrectly as well as familiarly
,

speaking it is perhaps n o rule ) ; f o r th o u gh verbs

,

s eld o m have an accent o n the fo rmer yet nouns ,

frequently h ave it o n the latter syllable : as ,

M ary A nne is my delight

Both by day and eke by night ;
F o r by day her soft c o n tr Ol
Soothes my heart and calms my soul ;
A nd her image while I doze
C o mes to sweeten my rep o se
F o rtune fav ouring my desi gn
m
,

Please the pigs she shall be ine

The fo rmer syllable Of most dissyll ables e n di ng
in y o u r o w lo i s h ck ter ag e en et, is accented :
, , , , , , , , ,

”
as G r anny no odle 86 0
, , , .

E xcept all o w, av en dOw bes t Ow bel ow

, , , .
1 72 T H E C O M I C ENGL I SH GRAMMAR .

Sir I cannot all Ow

,

Yo u your flame t o av ;
E n dOw yourself first with the rhino
M y hand to bes t Ow
On a fello w bel Ow
Me — I d rather be A never mind
’
- -

”
I know .

M usic in the language Of the G ods is some

m
, ,

times pronounced II S i c
’
-

N ouns Of two syllables ending i n er have the ac ,

”
cent o u the former syllable : as B II tch er, b aker
’

, .

It i s perh aps a singular thing th at persons who

, , ,

pursue the callings denoted by the two words s e

l ect ed as ex amples should always indicate their
,

presence at an area by crying o u t in direct de ,

”
fiance Of Pro sody B ut ch ér ba k er ; the latter
“
,
-
,
-

syll able being Of the two the more s t r On g ly ac

c en t ed .

Dissyllabic verbs ending in a c o nson ant and e

final as Disclose
,
“ “
repine o r h aving a di ph
, ,
’7

”
thong i n the last syllable as “
Believe “
de , , ,
” ”
ceive o r ending in two consonants as Intend
, , ,

are accented o n the latter syllable .

M atilda s eyes a light discl ose

’
,

Which with the star o f E ve might vie ;

O h that such lovely orbs as those
Should sparkle at an apple pie ! -
1 74 T H E C O M I C ENGL I S H G R A M MAR .

When is a young and tender Sh o ot

L ike a fond swain ? When t i s a s c i o n ’
.

What s the m ost gentlemanly brute

’

L ike Of all flo w rs ? A dan dy lion

,
’
.

Trisyllables formed by addin g a ter m

, ination o r
r efi x i a syllable retain the accent Of the ra
p n
g ,

di cal word : as L Ovel i n es s sh eepishness Wh i g

, , ,

gery kn avery as s fir an ce
,
”
, .

The first syllable Of trisyll ables ending in b u s ,

al, i o n is accented in the generality Of cases : as

,

”
in the words s erious c apital 81 0 , , .

Dr Jo hns o n declared with a s ér i o u s face

.
, ,

That he reckoned a punster a villain

Wh at would he have th o ught Of the h o rrible case
O f a man who makes j okes that are k i lli ng

In his dicti o n to speak tis not easy for o n e ’

Who must furnis h both re ason and rhyme ;

Sir the rogue who h as u tt er d a c apital pun
,
’

”
H as committed a c apital crime .

Trisyllables ending in cc en t ate y r e lo and , , , , , ,

u de commonly accent the first syll able

, M any Of .

those however which are derived fro m words

, ,

having the accent o n the last syllable and Of ,

th o se Of which the middle syllable has a vowel

between two consonants are excepted ,
.
 P R OSODY . 1 75

They who w o uld elegantly speak

”
Should not s ay i mpudence but cheek ; ,

Should all things eatable call pr o g

”
Eyes o gles c o untenance phi s o g
,
.

”
A coach should n ominate a drag ,

”
A nd sp ecify as moke a n ag ,
”
F o r excellent u s e,
prime o r h an g up ,

O r o u t and o u t ; and scrag for hang up ,

.

The th eatre w as wont t o teach

The public r ectitude Of speech ,

But we who live in modern age

C onsult the gallery not the stage , .

Tri s yllables ending in ato r h ave the accent placed

o n the middle syllable ; as Spect ato r narr ator
, , ,

81 0 except Orator s enator and a few other words

.
, , .

Take care th at you never pro nounce the com

mon name o f the vegetable sometimes called Irish
”
wall fruit pu rt ato r
-
, .

A diphthong in the middle syll able Of a t ri s ylla

ble is accented : as als o in general is a vowel befo re
, ,

” ”
two cons o nants : as D o m estic
, end eavour ,
.

A n endeavour to appear d o mestic ated o r in ,

common phrase o l o gy to do , the domestic is ,

sometimes made by young gentlemen and gene ,

rally with but an ill grace A void such attempts .

,

reader o n all occasions : and in particular never

,
1 76 T H E C O M I C ENGL I SH GRAMMAR .

adventure either to nurse babies o r ( when yo u ,

”
shall h ave gone up to the ladies ) to pour water
into the tea pot from the kettle A legal or me
-
.

di cal student sometimes thinks proper fr o m a de ,

sire Of appearing at once gall ant and facetious to ,

usurp the o ffice Of p o uring o u t the tea itself o n ,

which o ccasions he is very apt t o betray his n u

civilised habits by an u nconscious but very u n
equivocal manipulation used i n giving malt liquo r
”
what is technically termed a head .

M any polysyll ables are regulated as to accent

by the words from which they are derived : as ,
,

Inexpr essibles S II bs ti t u t ed U n o bj é ct i o n ably

,
’

, ,

D esignated Transatl antic D elicacy Decidedly

, , , ,

”
U n qu é s t i o n abl e .

Words ending in ato r are commonly accented o n

the last syllable but one let them be as lon g as ,

they may : as respirator regul ator renov ator i n

, , , ,

di c at o r and all the other ato r s that we s ee in the

,

newspapers .

A cockney quoting Dr J o hnson said

, Sir .
, , ,

”
I love a good at o r .

Words th at end in le usually have the accent

on the firs t syllable : as A icable d espicable
,
” '
m , ,

8t c : although we h ave heard pe o ple s ay

. despi
”
cable .
“
I never s ee s u ch a despicabl e f ellow
.
,
”
n o t i n all my born d ays .
1 78 TH E C O M I C E NGL I SH GRAMMAR .

M any words ending in i o n o u s ty i a i o and

' '

, , , , ,

ca l have their accent o n the last syllable but two :

,

as, C on s i de r é ti Ou pro di g i o u s i pe— e

- - - - -
,
- - -
, m m -

i
tra bil y t en —cy cl O ae di a by a dO ci O a
’

p
- - -
g g a -
n - - - - - - -

m
, , ,
”
ti o n é r ch i cal all o f which words we have di
- - - -
,

vi ded into syllables by way Of a hint that they ,

are to be pronounced ( comically speaking ) after

the manner Of D o in i c Sampson m .

Having in c o mpliance with grammatical usage

, ,

laid down cert ain r ules w ith regard to accent ,

we have t o inform the reader that there are s o

W
many exceptions to almost all Of them that per ,

haps there is scarcely o n e w hich it i s w o rth w hile

to attend to e h o pe we have in some measure
.

amused him ; but as to instruction we fe ar that, ,

in this part Of our subject we have given him very ,

little Of that Those w h o would acquire a correct

.

accent had better attend particularly t o the mode Of

S peaking ad o pted in go o d society ; av o id debating

W
clubs ; an d g O to church F o r f arther satisfaction .

and inform ation we refer them and we beg to s ay ,

that we are not joking to alk er .

C T ION II SE .

OF Q U A N T I TY .

T HE quantity o f a syll able means the time taken

U p in pronouncing it A s the r e is i n A rithmetic a.
 P R OSODY . 1 79

long division and a sh o rt division 8 0 in Prosody is ,

Q uan tity considered as l o ng or sh o rt .

A syllable is said to be l o ng when th e accent is

,

o n the vowel causing it t o be slowly j oined in pro

,

n u n c i at i O
n to the next letter : as F lé a, sm all , ,
”
cr é ature .

A syll able is called short when the accent lies

,

on the cons o n ant S O th at the vowel is quickly

,

j oined to the succeeding letter : as C r ack li ttle ’

, ,

dé vil .

The pr o nunci ation Of a long syll able commonly

o ccupies d o uble the time Of a sh o rt o n e : thus ,
” ”
P ate an d B r ak e must be pron o unced as
,
“
,

” ”
slowly again as Pat and Kn o ck
, .

We h ave remarked a curi o us tendency in the

more y o uthful students Of G rammar t o regard the
quantity o f words ( i n their less o ns ) more as being
” ”
sm all o r gre at th an as c o ming under the
“

”
he ad Of l o ng o r short
“ “
Their predilectio n
.

fo r sm all qu antities Of words is very striking and

peculi ar ; fo od fo r the mind they see mto l o ok
up o n as physic ; an d all physic in their estim a ,

tion is most agreeably taken in infinitesimal doses

, .

The Hom oeop athic system Of acquiring kn o wledge

is more t o their t aste than even the Hamiltonian .

It is quite imp o ssible t o give any rules as t o

quantity worth reading The R oman s may have
.
1 80 THE C O M I C ENGL I S H GRAMMAR .

should . W
submitted to them but that is n o reason wh y we
,

e will pronounce o u r w o rds as we

please : and if fo reigners want to know why we ,

will tell them that when there is no A c t Of P arlia

,

ment to the c o ntrary an E nglishman

,
does
as he likes with his o w n .
1 82 TH E C O M I C E NGL I S H GRAMMAR .

to say ,
“
DO you though really like pine apple
, ,
-

”
rum ?
“
like pine apple rum ? is tantamount
D O you -

to C an it be that a y o ung gentleman ( o r lady )

,

”
like you can like pine apple rum ?
,
-

”
“
D O yo u li k e pin e apple rum ? means, “
Is it
-

possible that instead Of disliking yo u are fo nd Of ,

”
pine apple rum ?
-

D O yo u like pi n e—app le rum ?

”
is an enquiry as
t o whether yo u like that kind Of rum i n particular .

ine apple r u m ”
.

A nd lastly D O yo u like p
, ? is -

equivalent to asking if you think that the flav our -

Of the pine apple improves that especial f orm Of

-

alcohol
A well kno w n i n s t an ce o f an emphasis i m
.

p ro
-

perly placed w as fu rn i s h ed by a certai n Parson

'

w h o read a passage in the O ld Testament in the

following unlucky m anner : “A nd he said unto his

sons Saddle me the as s ; and they saddled h i m

W
, .

Young ladies ar e usually very emphatic in ordi

n ary discourse

s w eetl pretty
y ell
hat a little dear
! I never d
.

id I W
Oh ! h o w
declare
n ice and s o innocent and s o good t empered and s o
, ,
S o

-
,

aff ectionate and s u ch a colour ! A nd o h I s u ch

,

lo vely ey es an d such hair He w as a l i ttle duck

he w as he w as he w as T zig a t zi g t zi g t zig
, , .
, , ,

t zi g , t zig 86 0 . 8rc .
 P R OSODY .
1 83

This emphatic way Of speaking is indicative o f

t w o very amiable feelings implanted by nature i n
the female occiput and called by the Ph r en o
,
.

i
lo g s t s A dhesiveness and Phil o pr o genitiveness .

Those who attempt to imitate it will be co n scious ,

1 84 T H E C O M I C ENGL I S H GRAMMAR .

while forcing o u t their words Of a peculiar en ,

m
tal emotion which we cannot explain otherwise
,

than by saying that it is analogous to that which ,

attends the act Of pressing o r squ eezing ; as

when w it h the thumb Of the right hand , we
,

knead o n e lump o f putty to an o ther in the palm ,

Of the left Perhaps we might also I n stance suck

.
,

ing an orange In all these cases the o rgan Of.

,

Weight according t o Phren o l o gy is also active ;

, ,

and this perhaps is o n e Of the faculties which i n

, ,

duce young ladies to lay a stress upon their words .

Nevertheless we fear that a damsel would hardly

,

be ple ased by being told that her w eig h t was cOn

s i derabl e though it would at the same time g ri ev
, , ,

o u sl O ff end her to accuse her o f li h tn es s Here

y g .

we need scarcely Observe that we refer to light ,

ness not Of complexio n but o f sentiment which is

, , ,

always regarded as a dar k shade in the character .

This de f ect we think we may safely assert will

, , ,

n ever be Observed in emphatic fair ones .

But we have not yet quite exhausted the s u b

jcet o f emphasis considered in relation t o young ,

ladies Their letters are as emphatic as their lan

m
.

guage is al ost e , very third word being underlined .

S uch epistles i n asmuch as they are addressed to

,

the heart ought n o t to be submitted to the ear ;

,
‘

nevertheless we m ust s ay that we have occasionally

1 86 T H E C O M I C ENGLI SH GRAMMAR
. .

m
The re aind er Of th Is letter being Of a nature
'
.

pe rson ally interesting to ourselves only and likely , ,

in the Opinion Of some readers to render its i n :

m
,

sertion attributable t o o ti ves Of vanity we shall

'

n o t be fo un d fault with f o r objecti n g to tra nscribe

any more Of it , .

C T ION I V SE .

OF P A U S E S .

A P ause, otherw ise calle d a rest, is an absolute

’

cessatio n o f the voice, i n speaking o r reading ,

du ri ng a per ceptible inte rval, longer o r s h o rter,

’

Of time .

C omic Pauses Oft en occur i n Orat o ry

'

Un »

m
.

”
accustomed as I a t o pu bli c speaking is usually
m
,
,

follo wed by a pause Of this sort A yo i g g entle .

man , h i s h ealth having bee n d r unk at a party,

‘

afforded, i n e n deavo u r i n g t o return thanks a signal‘

”
illustration Of the Pause C omic G entlemen .
,

the A ncient R omans, — A

he began ( pause )
“
, ,

”
I s ay, G entlemen , the An cient R omans,
( Hear The A ncient R omans , G entlemen ,

( Bravo hear ! hea r G entlemen that

—
is the Ancient R omans ”
were very fine fel
”
lows, Jack I dare s ay, added a friend pulling the
‘ '

, ,

speaker dow n by the c o at tail - .

Th at no t able A ncient R oman , Brutus, is r epr e

sented by Shakspere as making a g lo r i o ixs pause : as ,
 W
P R OSODY . 1 87

h o s here s o vile that would not love his

’

, ,
m
country ? If any speak for h i have I o ff ended.

”
I pause fo r a reply.
1 88 T H E C O M I C ENGL I SH GRAMMAR .

Here Of course Brutus pauses fo ld s his arms

, , , ,

and looks magnanimous We have heard though .

, ,

Of an idle and impudent sch o olboy who at a , ,

public recitation when he h ad uttered the words

,
”
I pause for a reply gravely took out his pen
,

knife and began paring his nails .

This w as minding his paw s with a vengeance .

A very l o ng pause particularly accompanied

,

by a very se r ious lOOk o n the part Of the speaker ,

as good as tells the audience that something o f

great importance is c o ming It is there fore n e.

ces s ar
y to have something Of real consequence to
bring out The fo ll o wing extract from a p o litical
.

harangue will S h o w how essential i t is to attend to

this point

A nd , G entlemen ,
when I conside r I s ay , ,

when I consider the conditi o n o f the masses o f this

country I do think and it is my Opinion that the
, , ,

G o vernment h as much to answer fo r But not t o .

dwell o n that point what have been the deeds

what have been the proceedings I m
, ,

a sa
y y Of the
, ,

G overnment itself ? They have increased taxation ,

they have swelled the N ational Debt they have ,

assailed the liberty o f the subject they have ,

trampled the p o or man in the dust ; he asked fo r

libe r ty, and they made him a slave ; he demanded
 1 90 TH E C O M I C ENGL I SH GRAMMAR
‘

O bse rve that two doves billing resemble t w o

,

magistr ates bowing ; — because they are beak t o

be ak .

A lover again would utter the words For ever

and ever in a very di fferent tone from that in
“ ”
,

which a P arish C lerk would repeat them .

A young lady o n her first introduction to you

, ,

”
says
‘

Sir in a tone very unlike that i n which

, ,

s h e sometime afterwards delivers herself Of the

same monosyllable when she is addressing yo u
under the infl u ence Of j eal o usy .

”
A s to the word Sir the number Of construe
“
,

tions which according to the tone in which it is

,

spoken it may be m ade to be ar are inc alcu lable

, , .

We may adduce a few instances .

 P R OSODY . 191

Please Sir let me Off my impositio n

, , .

N O Sir ,

Waiter ! yo u Sir , .

”
Yes Sir ! yes Sir !
, ,

Sir I am gre atly o bliged t o yo u

, .

”
Sir you are quite welcome
, .

Y o ur servant Sir ( by a man who brings you

,

a ch allenge ) .

’
Servant Sir (by a tailor bowing yo u to t h e
,

d o or ).

Sir yo u ar e a gentleman
,

“
S i r yo u are a scoundrel
We need n o t go o n with examples ad i n fin i t u m
,

If aft er what we h ave said anybody d o es n o t n u

der s t an d the nature Of To ne al l we shall say Of ,

h im i s th at he 15 a To n y L umpkin
, .
192 TH E C O M I C ENGL I SH GRAM M AR .

C HA P T E R I I

OF VE R S I F I CAT I O N .

H U R RA H !
I t is w ith peculiar pleasure that we approach
this part o f Prosody ; and we have therefo re pre
faced it with an exclamation in dicative Of delight .

We belong to a class Of persons to whom a cele

brat ed ph r enological man ipulato r ascribes some
po etical f eeling if studied o r called forth an d to
m
, ,

bo rr ow another expression fro the same q uar te r ,

“
we sometimes versify a little that i s t o s ay, we
d i versify o u r literary occupations by an occasional
flirtation with the muses N o w it gives u s great
.

concern t o Obser ve that popular literature is be

coming very prosaic Poetry and Boxing have
.

gone o u t Of favou r together and most probably

, ,

W
though we have n o t quite time enough j ust at
—
present to show how, from the same cause ;
namely bad tas te
,
. e mention Boxing along with

Poetry because it is remar kable that their decline

,

should have been contempo r aneous ; and because

194 T H E C O M I C ENGL I SH GRAMMAR .

”
thee a poet my boy he used to s ay o r the rod
, , ,

”
shall.

L et us try what w e can do .

A verse c o nsists o f a certain number and variety

Of syll ables put together and arranged acc o rding
,

to certain laws .

Verses being also called dulcet strains barmo ,

n i o u s numbers, tunefu l lays and S O fo rth it is

, ,

clear that such combination and arrangement m ust

be s o m ade as to please the ear .

V er s i ficat i o n is the making Of verses This .

seems such a truism as t o be n o t worth stating ;

but it i s necessary to define what V er s i ficati o n is ,

because many people suppose it to be the same

thing with poetry We will prove that it is n o t
. .

M uch business in the Funds has lately bee n

Transacted various monied men between ;
Tho u gh speculation early in the week
Went sl o wly ; nought w as done where o f to speak .

The largest Operati o ns it was found

, ,

Were twenty five and fifty thousand po u n d ;

-

The f o rmer in reduced A nnuities ,

A nd in the Three per C ents the last o f these

. .

We might pro ceed in the same strain but w e ,

have alre ady d o ne eight verses without a p article Of

p o etry in them ; and we do n o t wish to overwhelm
 PR OS O D Y . 195

pe o ple with proofs o f what a gr eat many will take

upon trust .

E very fool knows what R hyme is ; s o we need

not s ay anything about that .

O F P O E TI C A L FE E T .

Poetical feet ! Why Fanny E ls ler s feet and ,

’

Taglioni s feet are poetical feet — are they n o t ? or

’

else what i s meant by cal ling dancing the Poetry

Of M oti o n ? A nd c ann o t each Of those ar t i s tes
boast Of a toe which is the very essence Of all
‘ ‘
—
poetry a TO KA AO N ?
N O . Yo u may m ake verses o n Taglioni s feet ’
,

though if h e be a poete ss s h e can do that better

( s ,

than you standing to o o n o n e leg like the man

, , , ,

that Horace speaks Of) ; but you cannot make

them of her feet Feet of w hich verses are com
.

posed are made Of syllables not Of b o nes muscles , , ,

and ligame n ts .

Feet and pauses are the constituent parts Of a

verse.

W
We have heard o n e bo y as k another wh o was ,
”
singing ,HO much is that a yard ? still the
yard i s n o t a poetical measure .

The feet which are used in poetry consist either

Of t w o or Of three syllables There are four kinds.

Of feet Of two and an equal number Of three s yl

,
196 TH E C O M I C ENGL I SH GRAMMAR .

l ables Four and four are eight : therefore P e

.

a u s is an o ctoped ; and if o u r readers do n o t u n

g s

der s t an d this l o gic we are sorry for it , But as “

touching the feet— w e have

1 The Trochee which has the first syllable ac
.
,

cen t ed and the last unaccented : as Y ank ee

“
, ,

”
dOOdlé .

2 . The Iambus which h as the first syllable u n

,

accented and the last accented : as Th é m aid

'

, ,
”
h ers elf wi th ro fig e al as b ed aubs
' '

, .

3 The Spondee which has b o th the words o r

Al l h ail g r é at k i ng TOm
.
,

syllables accented : as
m
, , ,
”
T h fi b 511 hai l ! ,

4 Th e Pyrrhic which has b o th the words o r

.
,

syllables unaccented : as On th e tree top ” '

- .
,

5 The Dactyl which has the first syllable

.
,

accented and the two latter unaccented : as J O “

,

”
t h ii n J é ff é rs On
'

n a , .

6 The A mphibrach has the first and last sylla

b les unaccented and the m
.

iddle o n e accented : as
Oé r wh elm
,

i n g t r é n S pOr té d Ecst ati c déli g h tf ii l

' ’
’

, , , ,

”
accé pt é d, addr é s s é s .

7 The Anap aest ( o r as we u sed to s ay N as ty

. ,

beas t ) has the t w o first syllables unaccented and

the last accented : as Ové rg r Own n n adi é r ”
,
.

8 The Tribrach has all its syllables unaccent;

M at ri m
.

ed : as On y exqui si ten ess

, ,
.
1 98 TH E C O M I C ENGL I SH G R A M M AR .

A nd sho o t snipes
ou r

A nd smoke our pipes

O r eat at ease ,

Beneath the trees ,

Ou r bread an d cheese !
T O r o use the hare
From gl o omy lair ;
T O scale the mo u ntain
A n d f ord the fo untain ,

While rustics wonder

”
T O hear our thunder .

E verybody has heard o f the C o ckney School ,

Of course .

3 The third form consists Of th r ee Iambuses

.

as in the following m o r c ea u the auth o r Of which 1 8

, ,

we regret to s ay unkn o wn t o u s ; though we di d

,

o nce hear somebody s a

y that it was a M r A non . .

J ack S pr fit eat all th é fat

’

His wife eat all the lean ,

A nd S O between them both ,

They li ck d the pl atter clean

’
.

In this verse an additional short syllable is also

admitted : as ,

Al é xi s OII th fi I l pl OII g h bby,

'
' '

-
, y
A shepherdess ad o red,
Who loved fat H o dge the cow boy ,
-
,

”
S O t other chap was floored
’
.
 P R OSO D Y . 1 99

4 The fo urth fo rm is m ade up

. Of fo ur Iam
buses : as ,

A di eiim y b6 0 ts cOm pfin ro n s O

,
l d ,

N ew fo o ted twice an d fo ur times s o led ;

,

M y fo o tsteps ye have guarded l o ng ,

L ife s brambles th o rns and flin t s among ;

’

, ,

And n o w yo u r e past the c o bbler s art

’ ’
,

A nd Fate decl ares th at we m u st p art .

A h me wh at c o rdi al can rest o re

The g aping p atch r epat ch d befo re ’

What he aling ar t renew the weal

O f subject so in firm Of heel ?
Wh at p o ti o n pill o r draught c o ntrol
, ,

S O deep an ulcer Of the s o le

5 The fifth species

. Of English I ambic c o nsists
of
five Iamb u ses : as ,

CO m Tr agi c M fi
e, t att er d vé s t arr ay d
s e, in
’
,

A nd while thr o ugh blood an d mud and crimes , ,

I wade ,

Supp o rt my steps an d this my strain inspire

, , ,

With H o rr o r s bl ackest th o ughts an d bluest fire

’

Th e E pic Of which the ab o ve example is the

o pening will perh aps appe ar here aft er
, This kind .

Of Iambic constitutes wh at is c alled the Her o ic

me asure — Of which w e sh all h ave m o re t o s ay
by and by ; but sh all only rem ark at present that
2 00 THE C O M I C ENGL I SH G R AMMA R .

it, in common with most Of the ordinary E n glish

m easures is susceptible Of many varieties by the
, ,

admission Of other f eet, as Trochees Dactyls , ,

A nap aests ,

6 O ur Iambic in its sixth fo rm is commonly

.
,

called the A lexandrine measure I t consists Of .

s i x Iambuses : as ,

Hi s w Ors hi p g ave t h e w Or d, an d S n Oo k s w as
”
bOr n e aw ay .

The A lexandrine i s sometimes introduced int o

heroic rhyme and wh en used as the late M r
m
, , .

Jo hn R eeve was wont t o s ay with a little o ,

”
deration occasions an agreeable variety Thus
, .
,

the example quoted is preceded by the following

lines
What found at midnight with a darkey lit , ,

A bull dog j emmy scre w and centre bit

- -

A nd tongueless Of his ai m It cannot be

, , ,

W
But he w as bent at least o n felony ;
, ,

He stands remanded HO Policeman A .

His o rship gave the word and Sno o ks was borne ,

7 The seventh and last fo rm Of o u r I ambic

.

measure is made up Of s even Iambuses This .

species Of verse has been immortalised by th e

2 02 TH E C O M I C ENGL I SH GRAMMAR .

Trochaic verse is Of several kinds .

1 The shortest Troch ai c verse in the E nglish

.

language consists Of o n e Trochee and a long s yl

lable : as,

B i lly Blii ck
G ot the sack .

L indley M u rr ay asserts that this meas u re is

de fective in dignity and can seldom be used o n
,

serious occasions Yet it is Pope who thus sings

.

Dreadful screams ,

Dismal gleams .

Fires that glow ,

”
Shrieks Of w o e 81 0
, .

A nd for o u r o wn p oor part let us, s ee what we

can make ou t Of a storm .

See the clouds LO you there

L ike to shr o uds High in ai r
A ll s o dun , Whirlwinds snatch
Hide the Sun ; Tiles and thatch
Daylight dies ; Steeple nods
Winds arise ; O h ! ye G o ds !
Songsters quake , Hark l— that bang
M idst the brake ;
’
Brazen clang !
Shepherds beat There the bell
T h u n d r i n g fell
’
Swift retreat :
 P R OSO D Y . 2 03

Thunder rolls Ho w it pours

Save o u r s o u ls
.
O cean roars ,

Welkin glares E arth repl ies

L ightning fl ares , M ind your eyes
While it splits Here s a cave ’

O ak t o bits O h that s brave ’

H ail c o mes do w n G raci o us Po wers

O h my crown !
, S afety s ours ’

P atter crack
C l atter wh ack
2 The sec o nd E nglish
. fo rm Of the Trochaic
consists Of two feet : as
mi é lli
,

V ér c ,

”
C fir ran t j é lly .

I t s o metimes contains t w o feet o r trochees with , ,

an additional l o ng syllable as ,

YOiI th i ncli ned t O w é d ,

G O and shave thy head .

3 The third species consists Of three trochees

.

a s o fig Of si xp ence
’’

S i ng .

or Of three tr o chees with an additional l o ng

,

lable : as ,

Thri ce m y cOat h ave Oer th é e r Oll d

,
’ ’
,

Summer hot an d winter c o ld ,

Since the Snip s creative art ’

Into being bade thee start ;

2 04 TH E C O M I C ENGL I SH GRA M MAR .

N o wlike works the m o st sublime ,

Thou di s play s t the power Of Time

’
.

Broad grey p atches pl ainly trace ,

R ight and left e ach bl ade bone s place ; -

’

When thy shining coll ar s s can n d ’ ’

,

Punsters think o n cl assic land :

Thread bare sleeves thine age pr o claim
-
,

E lb o w s w o rn ann o unce the same ;

E lbows mouldy bl ack Of hue -
,

S ave where white a cr ack shines through ;

While thy par ting seams decl are
Th o u r t unfit fo r farther we ar
’

Then farewell
,
Wh at ! M oses h O
C l O Sir ? cl O Sir ? cl O Sir ?
’ ’ ’

, , ,

4 The fourth Trochaic species consists

. Of fo ur
trochees : as ,

Ugh yOu li ttl é l fi p o f

bl ubb er m ’

Sleep Oh sleep in quiet do

, ,

C ease awhile y o ur bib t o sl o bber

C ease y o ur bottle m o uth to scre w .

How I w ish your eyelids never

Would unclose again at all ;
F o r I know as s o o n as ever
’
You r e awake yo u r e sure to squall
’

,
.
2 06 T H E C O M I C ENGL I SH GRAMMAR .

H é r e l i es M ary, wi fe (i f T h O as C a
i r t é r, m
' '

”
Who to typhus fever proved a m artyr .

These are a s pecimen o f the uncouth rhymes “

S O touchingly alluded t o by G r ay .

6 The sixth form Of the E nglish Trochaic is

. a

line Of s i x trochees : as ,

M Os t m
b ewi tchi ng da s él Charmi ng Ar fibé lla , ,

Prithee cast an eye Of pity o n a fellow

, .

T he Dactylic measure is extremely u ncomm o n .

The following m a
y be considered an example Of
o n e species o f it :

"
C eli a the cr ii é l, r é s Olv d Ot t O m arry sO
' ’ ’
n on ,

B o asts Of a heart like a fortified garris o n ,

Bulwarks and battlements keeping the bea u x

Shot from within knocking lovers like foes all Off .

A nap aestic verses Of vari o us kinds

ar e .

1 The shortest an ap aestic verse is a single

. an a

a s t : as
p e ,

In th e gl ass
There s an ass ’
.

This measure after all i s ambigu o us ; fo r if the

, ,

stress Of the v o ice be l aid o n the first an d third s yl

l ables it bec o mes troch aic
, Perhaps, therefore it
.
,
 P R OSODY . 20 7

is best to consider the first fo rm Of o u r A n apaestic

verse as made up of two anap aests : as
, ,

S é t a s ch OOl bOy at w Or k
”
With a knif e and a fo rk .

A nd here if you li ke yo u may have anothe r short

, ,

syllable : as ,

A nd h Ow s Oo n th é yo ung g l irt t On
'

Will astonish your mutto n

2 The sec o nd species consists Of three an a
.

pae s t s : as ,

A m arylli s w as s lé n dé r an d t all ,

C olin C lodpole w as dumpy and fat ;

A nd tho s he did n t like him at all
’ ’ ’
,
”
Yet he doted o n h er for all that .

This metre is sometimes do n o m i n ated sing s o ng -

.

3 Th e third kind Of E n g li s h An apaes t i cs may be

.

very well exemplified by an I r i s h song

H ave Ou eer h ad th e l ii ck to D On n ybr OOk
’

y s éc

P irir
It consists as will have been Observed Of four
, ,

an ap aests S o metimes it admits Of a sho r t syllable

.

at the end Of the verse : as ,

In t h e dé ad Of t h e
: n i ght wh en wi th di re cfit rSr
'
‘

i u li n g
'

wz

O f grimalkins in ch o rus the house tops resound ; -

A ll insensibly drunk and unc o nsci o usly sprawling

,

In the kennel, how pleasant it is to be f ound

 2 08 T H E C O M I C E NGL I SH GRAMMAR

m
.

m
The v arious speci ens o f vers i ficat io n o f which
ex amples have been given may be i proved an d
,

varied by the atlm i s s i o n Of Secondary feet i nto their

'

c o mp o siti o n ; bu t as we are not writing an A rt o f

Po e try we cann o t aff ord t o show how : par ti cu
,

larly as the only way aft er all Of acquiring a real

, ,

knowledge of the s t r u ct ri r e Of E nglish verse i s by

'

extensive r eadi n g Besides there yet remain a

.
,

f ew Directions for P o etic al Beginners whic h we ,

feel o urselves c alled upon t o give and fo r which if , ,

we do n o t tak e c are we sh all not have r o om

, .

T h e c o mmencement o f a poet s career is usually

’

the writing o f n o n s en s e verses The nonsense o f

.

these compositi o ns is very Often unintenti o nal ; but

s o meti mes words ar e put together avowedly with
o u t regard to sense an d with no other v ie w than
,

that of acquiring a familiarity with metrical arran ge

ment : as ,

”
A pproach , disdain , involuntary tell , .

But this is dry work It m a

.
y be necessary t o

c o mpose in this w ay just at first but in o u r ,

o pini o n there is a good and a bad taste to be dis

,

played even i n writing n onsense verses ; that is ,

v erses which really deserve that name We re

m
.

co mend the young poet t o make it his aim to

render hi s nonsense as P E R F E CT as possibl e He .
210 TH E C O M I C ENGL I S H GRAMMAR .

most ensi ble p r oduct ions would be but very Often

s
'

cried over into the bargai n as aff ectin g and pa ,

t hetic .

E XA M PLE .

TH E O CE A N WN D R R
A E E .

Bright breaks the w arri o r o er the ocean wave ’

Through realms th at rove n o t clouds that cannot ,

save ,
’
Sinks in the sunshine ; dazzles o er the tomb
.
,

A nd mocks the mutiny Of M em o ry s gl o om ’

.

O h w h o can feel the crimson ecst asy

'

That soothes with bickering jar the G l o rious Free ?

O er the high rock the fo am o f gl adness throws
’

While star beams lull Vesuvius to repose

-

G irds the w hite spray and in the bli i e l agoon

W
, ,

Weeps like a walrus o er the waning m o o n ? ’

h o can declare ?— not thou pervading boy ,

Wh om pibrochs pierce not crystals cann o t cl o y ; ,

N o t t h Ou soft A rchitect o f silvery gleams

, ,

Whose soul wo uld simmer in Hesperian streams ,

’
fi —
Th exhau stless r e the bosom s azure bliss ’
,

That hurtles life like o er a s cen e li k e this ;

,
-
,
’

Defies the distant agony o f Day

A nd sweeps o er hecatombs — away away
,
’

Say shall Destructi o n s lava lo ad the gal e

,
’
,

The furnace quiver and the mountain quail ?

,
 P R OSODY . 211

Say shall the s o n o f S ym

, p.ath
y pretend
His cedar fragr ance with o u r C hief s to blend ’

There where the gnarled m o numents o f sand

,

Howl their dark W hirlwinds to the levin brand ;

Where avalanches wail an d green Distress
,

Sweeps o er the pallid beak Of loveliness

’

Where m elancholy Sulphur h o lds her sway ;

A nd cli ff s o f C o n scien ce t remble and o bey ; ,

A nd where T ar t ar ean r attle sn akes expire

-
,

Twisting like tendrils o f a hero s pyre ? ’

N o danc i ng in the meteor s h all Of po wer

’
,

See G enius ponders o er A ff ecti o n s t o wer

,
’ ’

A fo rm o f th u n d r i n g import s o ars o n high

’
,

’
Hark tis the gore o f infant melody
N O m o re sh all verdant Innocence amuse
The lips that de ath fraught I n dignation glues
-

Tempests shall teach the trackless tide Of t h o ught ,

That u n di s t in g u i s h d senselessness is n o ug ht :
’

Freedom shall glare ; and Oh ye links divine ,

”
The Poet s heart shall quiver in the brine
’
.

Suppose we t ry an o ther metre .

The Spirit s aw an d smiled

A nd an inte rm
,

inable radi ance gl o wed

Through o ut her lucid frame ;
There r o se within her s o ul
A wild unspeakable intelligence ,
212 T H E C O M I C E N GL I S H GRAMMAR .

W
F
‘

A sweet and gentle light,

hich through her eyes i n countless flashes
shone
Intole r ably bright
L ike to an infinite multitude o f stars
G emming the arch Of Heaven ;
O r rather like the shini n g balls that come
"

, ,

”
O ut o f a R oman candle .

However we ar e n o t quite sure that with the ex

, ,

c e ti o n o f the t w o last lines we have not qu o ted

p ,

the rest o f the fo regoing example from memory .

It were manifestly culp able to make no men

ti o n in a wo rk Of this sort Of certain measures
, ,

which are especially and essentially of a comic

nature Some Of these have been already ad
.

verted to but t w o p r incipal var ieties yet remain

,

t o be consid ered .

1 M easures t aken fr o m the L atin in which

.
,

the structure of the ancient verse as far as the ,

number and arrangement o f the feet ar e concerned ,

is preser ved but the quantity o f w hich is regu

,

l ated in acc o rdance with the spirit o f o u r o w n

language The character Of such verses wil l be
best displayed by empl o ying the mo n sentimental
.

o r seri o us subjects Take for example L ong and

.
, ,

Shor t o r Hexameter and Pentameter verses

, .
2 14 TH E C O M I C EN GL I SH GRAMMAR .

Thus the youth spoke : and adding O h , , Je

mima
Plunged in the billo w

2 .M easures reducible to no rule o r Doggr el

, .

S tern h o ld and Hopkins, Of whom such honour

 P R OSODY . 2 15

able mention h as been made above were illustri ,

o u s as D o ggrel writers They have been some.

what eclipsed however by their m o dern succes

, ,

sors N ich o l as Brady an d N ahum Tate who may

, , ,

perh aps be safely pronounced the chief o f u h

,

i n spi r ed b ards:
O riginal composers in this descripti o n Of v erse
are Often n o t much m o re particul ar about Syntax ,

— an d we might add O rth o gr aphy than they are ,

ab o ut Pros o dy The fo llowing extract fro m an

.

unpublished satire o n the singing o f a c o untry

catch club is a tolerably fai r specimen o f English
-
,

D o ggrel

W
A gentlem an , passing by w h o w as

as very much am azed at what they were going

t o try ,
,

Said Hear their v oices h o w they sing

, , ,

How badly th ey all chime in

A fter such singing what do yo u think o f u s
, ,

? ”
T O send forth s o unds Of mirthfulness

Doggrel is co mm o nl y used by an o nym o us p o ets

f o r the purpose o f emb o dying the moral reflections
w hich a homicide o r an execution excites in the

sensitive mind It is li kewise the metre in w hich

.

t h e imagin ative sempstress pours forth the feelin g s

o f her b o s o m M ay we h o pe that o u r rem arks o n

.
216 T H E C O M I C EN GL I S H GRAMMAR .

Pros o dy will in some little degree t end t o facilitate

,

perh aps t o improve the future tre atment Of th o se

,

two deeply interesti ng subjects -é L o ve and M u r

der ?
21 8 TH E C O M I C E NGL I S H GRAMMAR .

It is both absurd and inconvenient to stand

upo n po i n ts
.

O f h o w much conseq u ence however, Punctuation

m
,

is the student ay form some idea, by considering

,

the di ff erent e ffects whi ch a piece o f poetry fo r i n

,

m
stance which he has been accustomed to regard as
,

subli e o r beautiful, will have, when liberties ar e

take n with it in that r espect .
 P R OSO D Y . 2I9

Imagine an actor commencing Hamlet s famous ’

soliloquy th u s
,
”
T0 be ; o r n o t to be that i s The question 81 0
.
, .

O r saying in the person Of Duncan in M acbeth :

, ,

m
”
This castle hath a pleasant seat the air
, .

O r as the usurper himsel f exclai ing

, ,

The devil damn thee black thou cream faced

,
-

lo o n
”
Where g o t s t th o u that goose ? L o o k
’
l
2 20 THE C O M I C ENGL I SH GRAMMAR .

C ryi n g, as R o meo,
It is my lady O It is my love
O r i n the character Of N orval in the tragedy Of ,

Douglas giving this account o f himself and his

,

origin
M y name i s N or val O n the Gr ampian hill s
.

”
M y father feeds .

In short Punctuation is the soul o f G rammar

, ,

as Punctuality is th at Of b u siness
Perhaps s o mebody o r other m
.

ay take advantage

o f what we have said to prove both Punctuation

,

and Punctuality i m ma ter i a l N O m atter . .

H o w very punctu al the present M inisters are !

how well they k eep th ei r appo i n tm en ts

We have n o w said as m uch as we think it n eces

sary t o s ay o n the head Of E nglish G rammar We .

shall conclude o u r lab o urs with an A ddress t o

”
Y o ung Students ; and as t o the questi o n wha t ,

that has t o do with o u r subj ect we sh all le av e it t o,

be settled by L indley M urr ay whose example in , ,

this respect we fo ll o w A ll we shall Obser v e i s

, .
,

that in o u r Opinion advice c o ncerning manners

,

stands in the s ame relati o n t o a C omic E n glish

G rammar as instructi o n in morals does to a Serious
,

on e. F o r the remarks which i t will n o w be o u r

business t o m ake w e bespe ak the indulgence o f o u r
,

elder readers and the attention o f such as are of

,

tender age .
222 A DD RE SS TO

of their cage But t o o great f amiliarity with per

.

s o ns Oi this cl ass is sure t o breed contempt n o t fo r

the man d their manners but f o r the us ag es and
,

modes Of expressio n ad o pted i n parl o urs and draw

ing r o oms th at is to s ay in g o o d society N ay it
-
, , .
,

is v ery likely t o cause th o se w h o indulge in it to

le arn vari o us tricks and eccentricities, b o th o f be
havi o ur and speech f o r It i s certain that either
, ,

wise h eari n g o r ignorant carriage I s caught as ,

m en take diseases o n e o f an o ther

”
,Sh akspere . .

Beset thu s as you will necess arily be by perils

, ,

and d angers in y o ur wanderings amid the field s o f

C o micality yo u will derive great advantage from
,

kno wing before h and wh at yo u are likely t o meet

-

w ith and what it will be incumbent o n yo u t o

,

av o id It is to furnish yo u with this info rmati o n

.

that the fo ll o wing hints and instructi o ns are in

tended .

Be careful when you he ar yo urself called by

,

”
n ame t o reply Here I am an d n o t Here yo u
, ,
”
ar e , an err o r into which you are very likely to be
led by the perus al o f existing auth o rs .

When you partake if it be y o ur h abit to do s o, ,

o f th e beverage c alled p o rter drink it as yo u would ,

m
water o r any other liquid D O n o t wink y o ur eye
, . ,

o r n o d sideways t o y o ur c o pani o n ; such acti o ns ,

especially when preceded by bl o wi n g aw ay the

 YO U NG ST UD EN TS . 2 23

foam which collects o n the t o p o f the vessel being ,

exceedingly ineleg ant : an d in o rder th at yo u may

not be inc o mmoded by this fo am o r fro th always ,

pour the fluid gently into a tumbler inste ad o f ,

drinking it o u t o f the metallic tankard in which it

is usually br o ught to yo u .

In asking fo r m alt liquor generally never re ,

»

quest the w aiter t o draw it mild ; and do n o t ,

o n an o ccasi o n be guilty of using the s ame phrase

y ,

in a met aph o rical sense th at is t o s ay as a s u bs t i

, ,

”
tute fo r D O it quietly
, . B e gentle and t h e ,

l ike.

N ever exh o rt y o ung l adies during a qu adrille ,

,

” ”
to “
fake aw ay o r t o flare up fo r they being
,
“
, ,

unacqu ainted wi t h the me aning o f such terms ,

will n aturally c o nclude th at it is an impr o per o n e

m
.

C all all ar t icles o f dress by their pr o per n a es .

Wh at delight c an be fo und by a thinking mind in

desig n ating a hat as a tile tro users kickseys a
, , ,

neckerchief a fo gle o r a ch o ker ; o r a gre at c o a t

, , ,

an upper B enj amin ? A nd ne ver speak Of cl o thes ,

c o lle c t ively as to gs o r t o ggery

, .

A v o id inquiries aft er the he alth o f an o ther per

s o n s mother using th at w o rd syn o nym o usly wi t h
’
,

M amm a t o den o te a fem ale p arent

, Th o ugh yo u
.

may be re ally inn o cent o f an y inten t ion t o be rude ,

y o ur m o tiv es may very p o ssibly be misc o nstrued .

22 4 A D D RE SS TO .

ém
m "

als o o n n o account t o pu t q uestions

'

R e b er , , ,

either to friends o r strangers respecting the quan ,

tity Of s o ap i n their p o ssession .

Should it be n ecessary fo r you t o S peak o f

s ome o n e sm o king tobacco do n ot call that s u b ,

stance a weed or the act Of using it blowi ng a

,
”
cloud .

When an acquaintanc e pays you a vi sit take ,

care in r ising t o receive him not to appear to be

, ,

washing your h ands an d sh o uld you be engaged , ,

in writing at the time place y o ur pen o n the ,

table o r in the inkstand and not behind you r

, ,

ear .

O bserve when your tailor comes t o measure

,

you t h e way in which he wears his hair and

, ,

sho u ld your o w n style i n this particular u n fo r

t u n at ely resemble his h e sure to alte r it imme ,

di at ely .

N ever dance d la cu i s i n i er e that is to s ay, do ,

n o t cut capers .

E sche w large shirt pins .

Be not guilty o f patent le ather boots .

” ”
N eve r s ay M a am o r M iss in addressing ’

a y o ung l ady If yo u c annot c o ntrive t o sp eak

.

to her wi th o ut d o ing s o s ay nothing , .

In c o nversati o n especially in female society,

,

be w are Of indulging in j o c o se expressions, o r wit

22 6 A DD RE SS TO
In s peaking of a perso n o f y our o wn age 0 1 Of , .
‘

W
an elde rly gentleman do not s ay O ld S O and S o , ,
- -
,

bu t S O and s o Or M r S O and s o as t h e case may

- -
, .
- -
,

be : and h ave no nicknames fo r e ach other e . .

were much horrified n o t l o ng since by he ari n g ,

a great coarse fellow i n a leathern hat and fustian ,

W
jacket exclaim turning round to his companion
, , ,

N ow then come along Old Blok e

, , y ,

hen you have got a c o ld in the head and weak

eyes do n o t g o and call o n young ladies
, .

Do not eat gravy with a kni fe fo r fe ar those ,

about you should suppose yo u t o be g o ing to com

WW
mit suicide .

In O ffering t o help a person at dinner do not ,

A llow m e to hen you k

’9
sa
y
, as s is t
yo u as peo .

ple what wine they will t ake n ever s ay hat ll , ,

’

” ? ”
you have ? o r What 11 you do i t i n ,
’

If you are talking to a clergyman about anothe r

member of the clerical pr o fessi o n ad o pt some ,

other method Of describing his av o cation than that

”
o f saying I believe he is i n y o ur line
,
.

D O n o t recommend an omelet to a lady as a

‘

good ar t i c le .

Be cauti o us n o t t o use the initial letter o f a per

son s surname in m enti o ning o r i n addressing him
’

,
.

For instance never think of saying M r s Hobbs

, , .
,

pr ay how is M r H
,
. .
 YO U N G ST U D ENTS . 227

We here approach the c o nclusi o n o f o u r l abours .

Young gentlemen once m o re it is e arnestly r e

,

quested that yo u will give y o ur c areful attenti o n t o

the rules and admoniti o ns which h ave been ab o ve
laid d o wn for y o ur guid ance We might h ave .

give n a gre at many m o re ; but we h o pe th at the

spirit o f our instructi o ns will enable the diligent
youth t o supply by o bserv ation and reflecti o n that
, ,

w hich fo r Obvi o us re as o ns we h ave necessarily left

, ,

uns aid A nd n o w we bid yo u farewell That yo u

. .

may never h ave the misfo rtune o f entering with ,

spl ashed b o o ts a drawing r o o m full o f l adies ; th at

,
-

you may never h aving been engaged in a brawl o n

,

the previ o us evening meet with a black eye the

, , ,

Object Of y o ur aflect i o n s the next morning ; th at

'

you may ne ver in a moment o f agitati o n o mit the

, ,

aspir ate o r use it when yo u o ught n o t ; th at y o ur

,

laundress may always do j ustice t o your linen ;

and y o ur tail o r m ake y o ur cl o thes well and send ,

them h o me in due time ; th at y o ur braces may

never give way during a w altz ; that yo u m a ne ver
y ,

sitting in a strong light at a l arge dinner party -

,

suddenly remember th at yo u h ave not sh aved f o r

t w o d ays ; th at your h ands and face may ever be
free fro m tan chaps freckles pimples brandy
bloss o ms an d all o ther di s fig u r em
, , , ,

, en t s ; th at you

may never be either i n eleg antly fat, o r ridiculously

2 28 A DD RE SS TO YO U NG S TU D EN TS .

lean ; and finally that you may always h ave plenty

,

to eat plenty t o drink and plenty to laugh at we

, , ,

earnestly and sincerely wish A nd should your lot .

in life be other than fo rtunate we can o nly say , ,

that we advise yo u to bear it with patience ; t o

cultivate C o mic Philosophy ; and to l o ok up o n
your tr o ubles as a j oke .

V IV A T R EG I N A '

TH E E N D .

LON D ON : PR I N TE D BY S A M U EL B E N T L E Y, B A N G OR H OU S E , SH OE L A N E]