rny $,rny Sta:ry

' lecocroo5'p"biis\*&
Tom l(rono ,YctL)
.,l.tto
, q,r.li"IL, M F
cam.pbe ttjpo.-ii
Fory " in yogr Attrurnx 2O.lO t9s,e.
t^,z
5 30ta Bad Betty
By Tom Kropp
i 1 met Betty while I was plucking a pair of grouse birds by
my garbage can. I'd returned to the city with them after a day
hunting in the country. Bet.ty was my new neighbor and she stopped
to stare at my plucking.
"tr^Ihatrs with the birds? " she asked me.
I' I knocked these pigeons off the roof with my slingshot and
T'm going to eat them for dinner. you're very prett.y. would
you like to have a bird dinner with me?"
Much to my surprise,she said yes. We spent the night at my
place. Bett.y was a 1oveIy 1ittle lady with a fine face and figure.
Her long dark hair felt like silk and her big brown eyes swallowed
me up when I looked at her.
Betty received a call from her brother. He was wanted by the
cops and hiding out in aa patch of woods in the suburbs. When
Betty drove to get him, 11 rode a1ong. Snce \,/e reached the rendevouz
site, Betty stopped and popped the trunk. Her brother bolted
from the trees carrying a guncase and hopped in the trunk. He
held the trunk lid so it woufdn't lock on him. Then we drove
away at a casual pace.
"Thatrs just his bong, not a gun." Betty assured me.
l i wasnt reassured.
Within two blocks a couple police cars came up behind us wit.h
lights and sirens flashing. Betty pu11ed over. Like a demented
Jack in the box, her brother jumped from the trunk and fled through
some yards. A couple cops chased him on foot whil-e the other
pair kept their eyes on Betty and me. Betty claimed her brother
was just some hitchhiker that she didn't. know.
"Do you often pick up hitchhikers carrying
gun cases and let them ride in your trunk? " the cop shouted at
her with impatience. Betty batted her big brown eyes innocently.
Betty promised not to do it again. The cops let us go. Her
brother managed to evade the other cops.
My first night at Betty's apartment r she woke me up with a
bad coughing fit. tr rushed in the unfamiliar, dim 1it kitchen
and got her a quick cup of water. When Betty drank the water
she exploded coughing worse than before. fn my haste and ignorance
 Kror:p Bad Betty pg 2

of the kitchen, l had grabbed her an o1d cup once used for fl-our
that still had crumbs in it and Ird turned on the hot water instead
of the cold water.
"Thankrs for the hot cup of dusty water." she gasped aL last.
To make amends, in the morning 1 stole some roses off her neighbor's
rosebush. {Jnfortunately i was hung over and started puking on
the bush" Her neighbor cal1ed and told Betty her guest was stealing
his roses and puking on t.he bush. T'o worsen mattersr when she
tried putting the roses in water they fell apart because the
first frost. had already killed them
"Yourre not bringing your R game to woo me"" she complained.
fln anot.her day, Betty offered me sex while we were driving past
what l-ooked like an abandoned factgry with a backyard of trees.
We went there and had a couple beers before having sex on the
lawn. Before 1 could finish, i, heard people clapping and making
crude comments. I I turned to look and discovered about a dozen
people by the backdoor smoking while watching us. lt turned out
that place was a drug and alcohol treatment facility that. Betty
had recently been in. The addicts and alcoholics were having
a smoke between classes and found us having sex surrounded by
beer cans. Mortified, T dressed quickly while Betty laughed and
shook her beautiful breasts at the spectators.
upervertsl"I heard someone ye11 as i drove away.
Dana died driving drunk a few months into our rel-ationship.
trronically she died wearing her DAMM shirt, which stood for,
"Drinkers Against Mad Mothers " "
A few days after her funeral i was caulking a roof gutter when
1 noticed a bunch of birds were caught in the caulk. 'I gently
pried them free and wiped them clean as f coufd. Then Y put them
in my coat to dry off and warm up. About an hour later i looked
down to see an old woman stuck in a half frozen puddle on the
. sidewalk. She couldn't get up. I went down and helped her
out of the puddle. Rather than express gratitudel she gre\,/ loud
and belligerent with me. i backed off, Then cops showed up
and questioned me.
"The neighbor said she saw you push that old \,roman in the puddle. "
the cop informed me.
"Ldo. I t helped her out of the puddIe,,, I insisted.
"Wellr yourre on probation. We have to take you in." the cop
 Kropp Bad Betty p9 3

informed me."You also have an overdue fine."

When I T opened my coat to 1et them search tne r the sparrows flew
into the air, scaring the cop because one brushed his cheek in
passing.
"what's with the birds?" the cop asked me-
,,You wouldn,t believe me. " I sighed and wondered if Betty couLd
see me.
i end