GET

REAL
By Simon Mitchell

Based on the book “It’s a Funny Old World”

DRAFT FOR MOVIE or TELEVISION

1st April 2015

© Simon Mitchell June 2006

Port Macquarie, NSW 2444

PH: 0421722440
Copyright © Simon Mitchell

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be

reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted
in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical,
photocopying, facsimile, recording or otherwise, without
the prior written permission of the publisher.

First published in 2006 by Simon Mitchell

ISBN 978-0-9803007-0-3
Overview

A unique blend of hilarious, satirical comedy with an

intertwining plot of tragic realism.

Bob and Todd are non-identical twin brothers. They are

born under unusual circumstances on a lake. At the
hospital they are separated. Not expecting twins, the
Bobbins are unaware that Roberta gave birth to two
babies; Roberta believing that she dreamt the birth of
the second child. To make matters worse, Todd is stolen
from the hospital by a derelict family before hospital
staff have chance to log the babies on the register.

Bob grows up with the Bobbins, and Todd grows up with the
Cruikshanks. Bob is blessed with a happy life due to good
parenting and fortunate circumstances while Todd suffers
a life of hardship and misfortune. Their outlooks and
outcomes reflect their experiences.

Their stories intertwine where Bob and Todd cross paths

in their life’s adventures many times even though they
are on completely different courses. Bob’s tale is one of
wonder and comedy. Todd’s is one of misfortune and
sorrow.

Though both have completely different directions, lives

and occurrences they both end up at the same place, but
where is this place and will they realise that they are
brothers?

Bob’s story continues through a humorous chronology of

life events that involves friendship, love and astounding
anecdotes, whereas Todd’s involves the brutal real
struggle of survival and misfortune involving drug abuse,
murder and neglect.

Todd winds up being diagnosed with a kidney disease that

is incurable unless he gets a transplant, just as he
begins to sort out his life.

In an ironic twist they end up meeting as a result of Bob

agreeing to donate one of his kidney’s to Todd just after
Todd realises that his surrogate parents are not his real
ones.

Still not realising they are brothers till the very last
scene, Todd dies as a result of his affliction just as
the pair realise they are brothers.
 1

1 EXT (SERENE LAKE – 1971) NOON 1

Noon. A serene lake circa 1971. There is a single boat ramp to the
south. A small tin boat is motionless near the middle of the lake.
The boat is very crowded/cluttered with poles, baskets etc. and a
large esky. Robin and Roberta Bobbin are in the boat. Robin is doing
a crossword puzzle while Roberta is keenly fishing and is 9 months
pregnant.

ROBERTA : (holds a rod with a line in the water—-talks with a

broad English accent) Nothing beats fishing.

Mid-afternoon. An hour or so later. Robin continues doing his

crossword when Roberta gets a nibble on her fishing line--struggles
with a huge fish. Roberta goes into labour and Bob’s glistening head
makes an appearance. Robin passes out, splits his head on the boat
and blood flows everywhere. Then, Todd makes a surprised entrance.
Roberta is extremely surprised as she wasn’t expecting twins.

ROBERTA : This is a
(still holding fishing rod—-struggles on)
big fish. Could be a marlin…Robin. Wake up! I
don’t wanna let this one go. What should I
do? Snare the fish, revive Robin or tend to
Bob’s untimely entrance? (slams the rod down in
the boat—-frantically reaches for the esky—-tips out
its contents) A day and a half premature. What
were you thinking? That was the biggest fish
I have ever had on my line! (Reaches for a
scaling knife as Bob appears shining in the sun—-cuts
the umbilical cord—-places Bob in the esky—-same
procedure happens when Todd enters the world--ties rope
to the esky and places esky in the water which she toes
toward the shore)

BYSTANDER: (shouts) Are you okay?

ROBERTA : Call an ambulance! Better make it

(shouts back)
two! And hurry, this esky has a leak and is
filling up with water!
Two ambulances arrive to treat the Bobbin family. Robin is revived in
a separate ambulance and surprised. Roberta is reunited with Bob and
Todd who are placed on the breast.

ROBERTA : (still lamenting the loss of the fish) My God that

was a big fish!

ROBIN : (looks around--wakes up still dazed—-talks in a broad

English accent) We’ve done well…Call Silvano!
It’s time for a drink.
 2

2 INT (HOSPITAL - 1971) LATE EVENING 2

Late evening. Bob and Todd are placed in humidicribs. A derelict man
walks in and for no reason switches armbands of the fraternal twins.
He is very nervous, both due to paranoia of the obvious drugs he is
on and also because of what he is about to do. His nerves are eased
when he sees the midwives and nursed having a coffee together in
their little staffroom, slightly out of sight. He takes Todd, slips
him under his jacket and walks out of the hospital undisturbed. As he
leaves he pushes the now-vacant crib into line with a string of other
vacant ones.

DERELICT : (walks towards humidicribs--mutters to himself) Not

my fault we can’t have kids…I’m gunna be a
great dad.

MIDWIFE : (sips coffee—-announces to other midwives) Better

weigh and tag these newbies.
Robin and Silvano stumble into the hospital ward drunk and still
slurring their words. They make their way to the newborn ward. Bob is
amongst 100 or so other newborns. The nurses are unaware that Todd is
gone and as Robin and Silvano walk in they have just completed the
weighing and logging of credentials into their database.

SILVANO : (looks at all the newborns and speaking with an

Italian-new Australian accent) Maybe we should
have come earlier.

ROBIN : (leans against the wall for support and analyses all
the newborns) I rang the hospital from the pub
Silvano. We couldn’t have got in any
earlier. Bob was in a humidicrib…Anyway,
thirteen schooners were required to obey
protocol and wait that patiently.

DERELICT : (notices Robin and Silvano—-conceals newborn Todd in

his jacket--mumbles) Gotta go.

TODD : (thinks to himself) Geez it’s hot and dark in

here.

SILVANO : (too drunk to notice hidden Todd—-replies) Me too.

Where’s the loo?

NURSE : (enters the room as derelict turns corner out of

sight—-asks Robin) Looking for your baby?

ROBIN : (points to Bob and exclaims in a moment of clarity)

That’s him!

Cont’d
 3

Cont’d (2)

NURSE : For those efforts

(arrives at the glass window)
of paternal instinct Mr Bobbin, come and
have a roast dinner on us. (points to the
kitchen area)

BOB : I love my parents. I

(thinks to himself)
believe everything they say…Nymphomaniac
virgins do exist and politicians never
lie…They’re not giving him that roast
dinner because he picked me out…they’re
doing it to sober him up. (squirms a little)

3 EXT (HOSPITAL CARPARK - 1971) MORNING 3

Early morning. A day and a half later. Robin and Roberta carrying Bob
enter the car park which contains only a few cars. Roberta carries
Bob and Robin fumbles for his keys, still dressed in the same
clothes.

ROBIN : Where’s the car…it’s gone!

(looks for the car)
I’m sure I parked it here. (points to a vacant
spot)

ROBERTA : Are you sure you parked it here? Did you

drive here at all?

ROBIN : (points to a run-over shrub and dented rubbish bin near

a handicap space) I remember parking
here…see…the squashed bush and dented bin. I
remember hitting those…and also
remember…don’t ask me how…that there were
only disabled spots left.
Robin walks towards the vacant handicap space. He stops and puts his
keys in his pocket, sighs and continues his rant.

Have you noticed the amount of disabled

parking spots there are when you are looking
for a space? They’re the only ones left.
There can’t be that many disabled people…Why
build more car parks? Just make handicap
driving tests tougher and it would free up
millions of places…I wonder if there is
reserved normal parking at the Special
Olympics.

ROBERTA : Well it must

(hits her forehead in frustration)
have been towed or stolen…We’ll have to get a
cab.
 4

4 EXT (SIDE OF ROAD - 1971) MORNING 4

Same morning. Robin, Roberta and Bob hail a cab. Roberta breastfeeds
Bob as soon as they enter.

ROBIN : (gives instructions in the front seat) Flack

Avenue…Hillsdale thanks.

The Bobbins reach their destination and Robin pays the driver. They
disembark. Taxi begins to pull away.

DRIVER : (winds down window and pokes his head out) Thanks a
lot mate…Congrats…I’ll see ya later.

Roberta, Robin and Bob Bobbin stand on the side of the road out the
front of their house. Robin fumbles for his keys again. Roberta stops
walking and juggles Bob.

ROBERTA : Do you really think he’s coming

(perplexed)
back? Better make some extra dinner just in
case.

BOB : (to himself) Hope he hurries. I’m starving.

5 INT (BOBBIN’S LIVING ROOM - 1971) EVENING 5

Evening. Several hours later. Bob is in his capsule eating salami.

Roberta and Robin are sitting at the dinner table looking at an
overcooked dinner getting cold.

ROBIN : (at the table) Guess he’s not coming back.

BOB : He’s not coming back. Just eat some

(to himself)
salami…you’ll feel heaps better…Food
good…Don’t feel bad mum…if everyone thought
like you the world would be a better place.

ROBIN : (begins serving himself some dinner and points at Bob)

My God that boy loves his food. He will go to
any lengths to get his hands on something
savoury. There’s gunna be trouble later Rob.

Roberta gets up and collects the dishes once they have finished their
meals. She carries the dishes into the kitchen which adjoins the
lounge room. She squirts lemon detergent and into the sink.

BOB : Why do they make lemon detergent

(to himself)
with real lemons when lemon juice is made
with artificial flavouring?
 5

6 INT (CRUICKSHANK’S DERELICT HOUSE - 1971) NIGHT 6

Night. Same day. The one bedroom apartment is decrepit. There are
blood splatters on some walls from shooting up drugs, scattered
rubbish on the floors and minimal furniture. The living area is small
with shoddy kitchen and lunge area joined together. The room is dimly
lit. Todd lies on an old blanket in just a nappy. Todd’s kidnapping
father Brett sits on a pile of pillows eagerly awaiting his next fix.
His wife Sharon mixes formula to feed Todd. Six formula cans form a
pyramid and a half-drunk beer bottle sits on the apex.

BRETT : Can you hurry

(picks up beer—-takes a sip—-speaks)
up and feed Todd I am dying for a hit.

SHARON : (stands—-puts two unmeasured spoonfulls of formula into

the baby’s bottle—-adds warm water from the tap—-stirs
with a dirty finger—-answers) I’m doing my best.
(shakes bottle and forces teat into Todd’s mouth--
continues) Get it ready. (throws Brett a dirty old
spoon and a piece of rubber tubing)

BRETT : (grabs equipment—-puts hand under pillow and pulls out

some heroin—-places some on a spoon and lights the
bottom of the spoon) Won’t take long. (puts half a
cigarette butt into the spoon and sucks up the liquid
with a syringe--utters) Me first tonight.

SHARON : (finishes feeding—-puts Todd back on the blanket--

answers) See you in the morning.

BRETT : (injects and immediately nods off into a dream)

7 INT/EXT (DEPARTMENT STORE 1975) MIDDAY 7

Noon. Three and a half years later. Bob holds his dad’s hand in the
food hall of a large department store. Robin gets distracted while
selecting and paying various items. Bob releases grip and sneaks off.
When Robin realises that Bob isn’t holding his hand, he looks
frantically for him.

ROBIN : (looks around) Bob? Bob!

He notices a large crowd of people staring in the direction of an
elaborate food display. Robin pushes his way through the people and
notices Bob sitting in the middle devouring various condiments,
cheese and meat products.

ROBIN : (surprised) Bob? Bob! BOB!

Cont’d
 6

Cont’d (7)

BOB : (eats while looking out the department store window

at Hyde Park--mutters aloud) How did that ‘Stay
Off the Grass’ sign get there? Why does
that Christian bookshop have an alarm?
Robin pushes his way through the large crowd of people watching Bob
devour the display. He grabs Bob and removes him from the store.

ROBIN : (leaves the store quickly) What were you

thinking Bob?

BOB : (cries) I was thinking that I was hungry.

8 INT (SHOPPING MALL - 1975) MORNING 8

Morning. Same day. Brett uses Todd as distraction to steal goods in a

tobacconist.

BRETT : (pinches Todd’s arm cruelly--says quietly but

menacingly in Todd’s ear) Start crying boy…Now!

TODD : (cries and screams)

SALES LADY: (distracted—-pleads) Are you okay…Poor little

one.

BRETT : (grabs carton of cigarettes from behind counter—-

tucks them in his jacket—-runs over to Todd—-grabs
him and flees the store)

TODD : (thinks to himself) I’m hungry.

9 EXT (PARK BBQ AREA - 1975) DAYTIME 9

Daytime. About a month later. Bob watches Robin stack the BBQ with
wood and begin to light it.

ROBIN : This is perfect wood for an

(lights the BBQ)
excellent barbeque.

Cont’d
 7

cont’d (9)

BOB : Good…I’m starving.

(runs off while speaking)
Dad…just gunna play ball with the other kids.

ROBIN : (still trying to ignite the kindling) Won’t be long.

About a half an hour later. Bob comes back to the BBQ sweating. Robin
is flipping the meat. Bob looks on amazed at how the burning wood
magically turns to meat.

BOB : That’s amazing! How

(watches the BBQ in amazement)
does the wood turn to meat?

ROBIN : No Bob…The
(one eye on the BBQ and one on Bob)
burning wood just heats the hotplate…then I
put the meat on to cook it.

BOB: : That’s
(horrified at the revelation)
disappointing. No…it can’t be. Does that mean
I can’t produce food whenever I burn
something?

ROBIN : (chuckles) No you can’t.

BOB : (suspiciously – wanting for the first time not to

believe his father) Tell the truth…Next you’ll
tell me there is no Santa Clause.

ROBIN : Correct…There is no Santa Clause.

Robin becomes distressed, being distracted by Bob he has burned the

meat which is in flames. He has also made the blunder of possibly
ruining the magic of Christmas.

ROBIN : Just kidding…There is a Santa Clause, you

just have to believe.

BOB : Dad…until three minutes ago I believed

burning wood turned into scrumptious food…I
am ready to believe anything now.

ROBIN : But there is a Santa Clause…Trust me.

BOB : It makes sense if there’s not one though.

ROBIN : (gives Bob a hot greasy sausage) Why’s that?

Cont’d
 8

cont’d (9)

BOB : (distressed over the hot sausage scolding his hands)

Well… If Santa had to deliver a present that
was only the size of a Rubik’s Cube to every
child in the world then his sack would be the
size of England, and to get to every chimney
in one night he would be accelerating and
decelerating at such a rate that he would
exist at about 4000ºC, so if Santa did once
exist, he doesn’t now.

ROBIN : It’s a shame Bob, that

(a look of shear horror)
many of our ideals and beliefs turn out to be
one big Santa Clause…Come with me. Silvano
and I are going to do some fishing.

Robin leads Bob to the river edge while summoning Silvano to grab the
fishing and picnic gear. Silvano arrives with all the gear and places
it next to Bob. Silvano and Robin begin to fish with their backs to
Bob. Bob sits on the bank fidgeting with the picnic gear, eating the
food, and drinking the coffee from the thermos. As each of the
contents is devoured he throws the empty items into the river
watching them float downstream.

ROBIN : Look at
(looks at items floating down the river)
that picnic basket…Poor buggers who that
belongs too…(continues fishing--looks at floating
goods) Silvano. That looks like my thermos!
That looks like the bottle of wine you
brought.

SILVANO : (shocked look at Bob) Robin…turn around! (Robin

looks around at Bob to see him throwing the last item
into the river and drinking the last of the coffee)

ROBIN : BOB! What are you doing?

BOB : (having a caffeine overload--speaks very quickly)

Wondering why they put round pizzas into
square boxes.

ROBIN : Well you’ve done it now! There’s no food for

later.

BOB : And…do you realise that now we can’t just

burn more wood to get more steak!
 9

10 INT/EXT (CRUICKSHANK’S BACK YARD - 1975) DAYTIME 10

Daytime. About a month later. Todd watches his dad, Brett, pile beers
into an esky. Brett and Sharon look a little better than they did at
Todd’s birth, and even though they have stopped heroin they are still
heavy pot smokers and look thin and pasty. Their friends arrive for a
BBQ which is accompanied by football on the TV. The apartment now has
more furniture, but is of poor quality, and still has the same paint
which is now pealing slightly.

TODD : (points at the television--exclaims) Dada… Bulldogs.

(Knocks over his Dad’s beer which he crawls in).

BRETT : (runs over to the spill—-picks up beer without cleaning

up mess--yells) God you are a fuckin’ idiot kid.

SHARON : (puts out cigarette--exclaims) Shouldn’t swear

Brett. (picks up Todd—-takes him to a bedroom—-puts
him inside and closes the door)

BRETT : Okay…but he is friggin’ hopeless

(replies)
sometimes

GUEST : (asks) Isn’t your bong in that room?

BRETT : Yeh…he’s used to it…it’s up on the

(replies)
shelf where he can’t reach it.

GUEST : (asks) Can I go in and pack a cone?

BRETT : (replies) Go for it.

11 INT (MANSION FOYER - 1976) DAYTIME 11

Daytime. A year or so later (Bob now 5-6 years old) A very lavish
house being painted by Silvano. Bob is with him on the job. The owner
of the house is giving Silvano specific instructions; not about the
house; but, about her beloved cat.

OWNER : (dressed to the nines, giving instructions in a snobby

tone) You come very well recommended Mr
Martino…I trust your judgement when it comes
to the new interior of my house. That is not
what concerns me…What does concern me is my
cat ‘Frida’. ‘Frida Kahlo de Rivera’ I named
her…after the artist, because she is female,
I am a feminist and she is a self-
portrait…Isn’t she?

Cont’d
 10

Cont’d (11)

BOB : (questions sardonically) What?

OWNER : I love my cat and under no

(continues)
circumstances do I want her outside. She will
run away and I can’t have that…So be careful
when you are getting your paint or brushes or
whatever you do…if she gets out I simply
won’t pay you.(owner leaves the house closing the
door)

Later in the day. Bob is eating a seafood salad on the foyer stairs.
Silvano is mixing paint right in the middle of an unprotected Persian
rug.

SILVANO : (mixes paint) Like the octopus?

BOB : (chews)Awesome. Legs are best. Not too keen on

the heads.

SILVANO : (tips over entire 4L can of enamel paint onto the

Persian rug) Shit! Merda… questo non può essere
buono. Bob…get me a cloth.

BOB : Hang on…One to go.

(continues eating his octopus)
Love the marinade. How can you stay so calm
in a situation like this? That rug’s gotta
cost ten thousand bucks.

SILVANO : There’s no use crying over spilt

(speaks calmly)
milk…That’s it! Where’s the cat?

Silvano drops his stirring stick and frantically looks for the cat--
grabs the cat, drenches it in the puddle of paint on the carpet and
throws it at the curtains. The cat clings on to the curtain, runs up
them slightly and the scurries off dragging paint everywhere.

BOB : (looks on in amazement) That oughta do it! Your

gunna get fired.

SILVANO : That oughta do it alright. Gotta blame

someone.

There is a noise at the door as the owner unlocks the door and enters
the foyer.

OWNER : (dumbstruck) Heavens to Betsy! What is going on?

Cont’d
 11

cont’d (11)

SILVANO : (pretends to be angry) Your damn cat!

OWNER : Where is Frida?

Same moment. The cat runs in covered in enamel paint. The owner sees
her cat, grabs it and hugs it dearly, ruining her very expensive
dress also.

SILVANO : The cat knocked over my paint! It got scared

and ran up the curtain. Stupid cat!

OWNER : Oh Frida! You

(relieved that the cat is okay)
naughty thing. Sorry Mr Martino…I will pay
you an extra $500 for the inconvenience…just
leave me now to wash my cat and come back
tomorrow.

BOB : (giggles as they exit—-speaks to owner) Use

turps…it’s enamel paint.

12 INT/EXT (SILVANO’S CAR - 1976) DAYTIME 12

Same day. Driving over the Sydney Harbour Bridge. Bob is in the front
seat talking to Silvano when they hear a loud thump in the back of
the station wagon. A 5 gallon drum of paint tips over spraying enamel
paint everywhere behind them and dripping a trail on the road of the
bridge.

BOB : (slightly scared) What was that?

SILVANO : Dunno. Don’t worry about it.

(continues driving)
We’ve got the day off. Wanna go to the fish
markets?
People in other cars start waving at Silvano and Bob in a dismayed
fashion trying to tell them about the paint spill. Several cars are
splattered with paint and the back of Silvano’s car is covered in
white paint. Gradually the fumes from the enamel paint began to make
Bob nauseous.

SILVANO : (drives while waving at overtaking vehicles with a

smile) This is why I love Australia…so
friendly.

Cont’d
 12

cont’d (12)

BOB : I don’t feel well…The smell of

(feels sick)
paint…pull over…I’m gunna spew.

SILVANO : (stops in the centre lane in the middle of the bridge,

causing havoc to traffic) Poke your head right out
the window…don’t wanna get the car dirty.

BOB : (Bob gets out of the car and runs round behind the car.
He sees the paint everywhere and spews up a heap of
octopus in the middle of the bridge) UUUGHHHH!
UUUGHHH! Uncle Silvano…there’s paint
everywhere!

Car’s stop--causes congestion--others beep their horns.

DRIVER 1 : (confused) What the hell? (continues to put her

mascara on) Get going…I’m late.

DRIVER 2 : (sick and angry) Look what you’ve done to my

car! (sees Bob vomiting and tries to vomit out his own
window, which is closed – vomit splatters on the window
inside the car) UUUGHH!

SILVANO : (lackadaisically) What are you doing?

BOB : Having a jolly good time.

SILVANO : Get in. (drives off when Bob gets back in) Could be
worse…I still have my thermos of Tia Maria
and coffee.

BOB : Did you know there was an Exxon oil

(chatters)
spill in Alaska and heaps of wildlife died.
Two seals were to be released back into the
wild after they were rescued and treated for
months…So funny.

SILVANO : What is?

BOB : It cost ‘them’ $80,000U.S…They released them…

There were camera crews, excitement, and a
huge crowd…When the seals were released, in
view of all, they swam a little way and both
were eaten by killer whales… Uncle
Silvano…why do ladies put mascara on with
their mouths closed? I’m hungry…It’s a funny
old world you know.
 13

13 EXT (TODD AND BOB MEET AT PARK - 1976) AFTERNOON 13

Afternoon. Two weeks later. A few parents watch as their children

play in a park. The Bobbins are neatly dressed and actively playing
with Bob, pushing him on the swings. The Cruickshanks are tattily
dressed and are sitting on seat overlooking the play area smoking
cigarettes. Todd walks over to the swings and climbs on one next to
Bob.

TODD : (looks at the Bobbins pushing Bob--asks) Could you

give me a push please?

BOB : (looks at Todd—-looks at his father—-speaks to his dad)

It’s okay dad…I am going high enough…you can
push him.

ROBIN : Bob…I don’t like to push

(answers ironically)
other people’s kids…anything could happen,
and you don’t know if they will object or
not.

BOB : (responds) Go on…he needs a push.

ROBIN : Okay little

(begins pushing Todd—-speaks to Todd)
fella…tell me when you get high enough.

TODD : (replies)My dad says I should never do what he

does and that I should never get high.

ROBIN : No…I mean tell me when you

(answers in disbelief)
are going fast enough on the swing. (asks Todd)
Where are your parents anyway?

TODD : (points at the Cruickshanks—-answers) Over there.

Robin looks over to the Cruickshanks who are staring at him

menacingly. He stops pushing Todd.

BRETT : What are you looking at? Stop

(yells at Robin)
touching my fuckin’ kid.

ROBIN : Look mate…I didn’t mean

(replies calmly)
anything by it.

Robin walks away from the play area and sits with Roberta on the
grass. They watch Todd and Bob swing. The boys chat and giggle with
each other. After a lot of chatting between the boys they hear Bob.

BOB : (asks rhetorically) It’s a funny old world you

know?

TODD : (stops smiling—- asks) Is it?

 14

14 INT (SCHOOL ASSEMBLY - 1977) DAYTIME 14

Morning. One and a half years later. Bob’s first day in kindergarten
at a new school begins with a full school assembly. The Bobbins were
instructed that kids could ‘wear anything’ on the first day and so
sends Bob to school in a Batman suit complete with mask.

KID : (teases Bob) So…where’s Robin?

BOB : Hopefully he’s coming to

(embarrassed--speaks)
bring me some proper clothes!

After Robin and Roberta were called by the school to tell them to
bring normal clothes, Bob gets extracted from the entire assembly.
All the kids laugh and point at Bob in his Batman outfit.

TEACHER : (summons Bob with index finger) Bob. Bob Bobbin.

Bob exits the assembly. Robin and Roberta strip Bob down to his
underpants in the hallway outside the assembly hall. The assembly
exits to see Bob with his batman outfit around his head and naked
except for his undies.

BOB : I think it’s time for a new

(still embarrassed)
school. There’s no way I wanna be called
Batman Boy forever.

ROBIN : I was planning

(looks at the ceiling--contemplates)
an overseas trip anyway. Let’s leave
immediately.

BOB : (forgets his embarrassment and pulls his batman suit

back on) They have good food overseas don’t
they?

15 INT (CRUICKSHANK HOME - 1977) MORNING 15

Morning. Brett and Todd are sitting at the breakfast table. Brett
packs marijuana into Todd’s lunchbox and persuades him to give it to
another boy at school.

BRETT : (takes a large bag of marijuana from the kitchen

cupboard above the sink—-walks to breakfast table—-
puts into Todd’s lunchbox—-addresses Todd urgently)
You know what you have to do with this
don’t you?

TODD : (looks at lunchbox in a concerned and scared way—

speaks) That smells nice…better than when you
smoke it dad.
Cont’d
 15

Cont’d (15)

BRETT : (gets slightly angry—-states) Concentrate…what

have you got to do?

TODD : Give it to Beau

(still nervous--answers)
Dobson…Do you want me to just give him the
pot?

BRETT : (yells)Don’t fuck this up Todd…Like we did

last time…just give him the lunchbox and
tell him that you brought him in some lunch
for later…he will know what to do if he has
half a brain in his head.

TODD : But I don’t have enough room in

(questions)
my backpack.

BRETT : Well take some of those friggin’

(retorts)
useless books out…how many do you need
anyway?

TODD : (sobs…replies) I will get into trouble…I need

them. (starts taking books out, analyses each one
as to their importance.

BRETT : (yells) Just do it!! This is important.

TODD : (speaks) You haven’t made my lunch yet.

BRETT : (answers) I haven’t got time…buysome. (throws

$5 onto the table). Get something
proper like
hot chips or something…no bloody lollies.

16 EXT (TODD’S SCHOOL - 1977) MORNING 16

Morning. Same morning. Tod is sitting in the playground at the local

public school and is quite nervous. Being an infant he is not exactly
sure why he is nervous, but he does realise that he has to do
something bad and wrong. Beau Dobson walks up and sits opposite Todd.
Both are dressed in school uniform with blue button-up shirt, grey
socks, grey shorts and unpolished black shoes. A short teacher with
head completely shaved is on playground duty. The boys begin talking.

BEAU : (demands) Give me your lunch Cruickshank.

Cont’d
 16

Cont’d (16)

TODD : (removes lunchbox from his backpack--replies) Hang

on.

BEAU : (asks) What’s inside…do you know?

TODD : Don’t worry about that…just

(replies urgently)
put it in your bag.

TEACHER : (walks up to the boys—-queries Todd)Did this boy

asks you to give him your lunch. (points to
the lunchbox still on the table) Is that it?

BEAU : (interrupts) No.

TODD : Yes. Yes he

(interrupts further and nervously)
did…but that’s okay. Our parents are
friends and some days he brings my lunch
and some days I bring his.

TEACHER : Oh…okay. Well then Beau…what’s

(relaxes-—asks)
for lunch…give me a look?

BEAU : (stutters) I don’t know.

TODD : (says)Salad today…stick it in you backpack

Beau till big lunch or you will be hungry
later.

BEAU : (slides lunchbox towards himself—-puts it in

backpack—-replies) Okay.

TEACHER : (looks at boys intently-—begins to walk away—-

pauses--smiles—-speaks) Have a good day boys.

17 INT (AIRPORT- 1977) DAYTIME 17

Afternoon. Six months later. The Bobbin family sit in the

international departure lounge ready to go to Europe.

BOB : This is
(flicks through an exercise book)
awesome. No homework for three months…and
I’m only 6.

Cont’d
 17

Cont’d (17)

ROBERTA : Yes you do. You have to write

(instructs Bob)
a journal of your experiences and
itinerary.

BOB : I have to write down my

(perplexed but excited)
experiences and everything I eat?

ROBERTA : No. You have to keep a

(still instructing Bob)
journal on what you do and where you go.

BOB : Is that what itinerary means…where you go?

ROBERTA : Yes.

BOB : Why didn’t you just say that then? Anyway

that should be easy enough.

ROBERTA : Just write something each day…you’ll be

fine.

Night time. Seven months later. The Bobbins arrive back in Australia.
Roberta, Robin, Silvano and his wife Maria share stories while having
a drink in the arrivals lounge.

ROBERTA : (reaches for Bob’s journal as he writes his final

line) So how did you end up going with your
journal Bob?

BOB : (flicks through many pages) I’ve done well!

ROBERTA : Give me a look. (flicks through the whole book

and all she can see are blank pages and three
written lines which she reads aloud) ‘Got on
plane
and am very excited…Thank goodness I don’t
have to sit next to Christine Dukakis
anymore…I wonder why kamikaze pilots wear
helmets? Got off plane back in Australia
and am very hungry.’

18 INT (BOB’S CLASSROOM - 1978) DAYTIME 18

Afternoon. One year later. Teacher gives a spiel on whales. 25

students in third class primary sit on the floor.

BOB : (sings) Jonah had real big party and Jonah

had a whale of a time.

Cont’d
 18

Cont’d (18)

TEACHER : (tries to produce an interesting speech about

whales) Did you know children…whales
communicate by high-pitched noise and
resonance that can be broadcast many
kilometres.

BOB : (listens—-thinks--questions) What are they

saying?

TEACHER : (answers) We don’t actually know Bob.

BOB : Well how do

(listens—thinks--questions further)
you know they are communicating? They might
be in pain or something…Do you think they
could be in pain?

TEACHER : (shakes her head not knowing what to say)

Something else we don’t know is why whales
beach themselves.

Bob thinks he may know the answer so thrusts his hand in the air.

TEACHER : (reluctantly responds to Bob) Yes Bob?

BOB : Well miss, if whales are mammals…so much

like humans…and their noise can travel so
far, maybe the male whales are beaching
themselves because they just can’t get away
from the nagging.

TEACHER : (responds) That’s so cynical Bob.

BOB : But miss…isn’t a cynic is what an idealist

calls a realist? Can I go to the toilet?

TEACHER : Please do.

It is a rainy day. Bob grabs his umbrella and walks from the
classroom. He walks out to the playground area and stands in the rain
under the dripping water from overflowing gutters while eating a hand
full of concealed salami from his pocket.
 19

19 INT (TODD’S SCHOOL COMPUTER ROOM - 1982) DAYTIME 20

Daytime. Two and a half years later. Todd and his class are sitting
two to a computer in a non-air-conditioned room. The computers have
basic green, low resolution graphics with bulky monitors.

TODD : This is
(utters to a boy next to him named Craig)
rubbish…why would we want to be able to use
computers? Let’s graffiti.

CRAIG : (asks) Damage property?

TODD : (replies) Yeh by writing shit on desks ‘n’

stuff. (takes out permanent marker—-lifts up
keyboard and writes underneath) ‘This is crap and
Mr Abbey sucks.’

MR ABBEY : (sees Todd writing on keyboard—-demands) What are

you doing Todd?

TODD : (replies nonchalantly) Writing.

MR ABBEY : (further demands) What are you writing?

TODD : That computers are useless.

MR ABBEY : Why are they useless?

TODD : Well…you can’t kill a mosquito with

(replies)
a computer but you can with a book.

MR ABBEY : Let’s hear what Todd has

(asks Craig)
written…Craig, read it to us.

CRAIG : (replies hesitantly) No.

MR ABBEY : (stresses) Read it.

CRAIG : (scared—-reads) This is crap and Mr Abbey

sucks.

MR ABBEY : (calmly states) Cruickshank…go and stand

outside the principal’s office…now.

TODD : (retorts smugly) Told you this was crap.

 20

20 INT (BOB’S SCHOOL COMPUTER ROOM - 1982) DAYTIME 20

Daytime. One year later. The teacher Mr Askew grabs Bob out of class
to help him set up the school’s new computer system. After doing so
Bob proceeds to play adventure games with Mr Askew.

BOB : It’s been weeks now we

(announces to Mr Askew)
have been playing Wizardry. Do you think I
will ever go back to normal lessons?

MR ASKEW: (replies while trying to make excuses for his

actions) I have excused you from normal
classes until further notice.

BOB : You mean I am excused from classes until we

find and fight the final villain Werdna.

MR ASKEW: We can’t be far away now.

BOB : This
(speaks and tries to make sense of year 5)
particular year of junior school has
presented an unusual curriculum for me.
Besides not having to attend regular
classes very often due to the multitude of
adventure games now arriving in the
possession of various staff members…the
rest of the time I am receiving
disciplinary action from the principal…When
I am meant to be in class, I am either
standing outside the principal’s office,
writing out lines for him or helping Mr
Dean solve computer adventures…I know the
principal feels guilty for making me do
lines but he is compelled too anyway. After
all…the principal and I are now Wizardry
comrades too…The race is on Mr Askew.

MR ASKEW: Are you closer to Werdna

(asks competitively)
with Mr Dean than you are with me?

BOB : (lies ambiguously) We are heaps further.

There is a knock at the door. The principal, Mr Dean, enters and

extracts Bob from their computer adventure.

MR DEAN : Bob. Come with me…Your divinity

(summons Bob)
teacher told me that you started singing
the Goodies song ‘Funky Gibbon’ at the top
of your lungs in a lesson this morning. Is
that true?

Cont’d
 21

Cont’d (20)

BOB : Yeh I did. I saw it on an

(apologetically)
episode last night…but the teacher thought
I was swearing.

MR DEAN : Well it’s time to

(utters with ulterior motives)
do lines. I’ll have to supervise you.

BOB : You really want me to be there while you

play Wizardry.

MR DEAN : Correct…Follow me…Sorry Mr

(snickers)
Askew…guess you’re on your own.

Bob and the principal walk down the hallway to his office where
Wizardry is already loaded at a section that Mr Dean can’t conquer—-
The principal gives Bob his lines to write.

MR DEAN : This is what I want you to write…one

hundred times…’I must not be a disruptive
influence’.

Bob begins to write his lines. After the second time of writing his
sentence gets annoyed and writes something different.

BOB : I must not tell my

(writes--thinks aloud)
parents or school council that I play
computer games with my principal, nor tell
Mr Askew where Werdna is.

MR DEAN : (speaks reluctantly) Righto…where do I go from

here?

21 INT (BOBBINS’ LIVING ROOM - 1984) EVENING 21

Evening. Two years later. Bob is now 12 and going into high school.
The Bobbins are setting the table in the dining room thinking about
what to have for dinner. They discuss how much money it costs to send
Bob to the private school he is now attending and that the uniform
Bob needs for his new school is expensive and necessary. Roberta and
Robin ask Bob to get the uniform/suit they gave him money for.

BOB : (asks)Want to see what I bought today in

the city when I went in to get my uniform?

Cont’d
 22

Cont’d (21)

ROBIN : Before we get to

(happy but sceptical--inquires)
that. Where is the uniform we gave you the
three hundred dollars for?

BOB : (still happy—-gets up from the table and goes over

to the fridge—-pulls out a huge bag—-states) They
didn’t have my size suit…so I bought these
lobsters, bugs, assortment of cold meats,
cheeses and a hamper of other yummy stuff.

ROBIN : Nice…I think.

The Bobbins lack the heart to be angry or even show their

disappointment. Bob doesn’t realise he has done anything wrong.
Instead, they pretended to be delighted at the array of food Bob
extracted from his shopping bags.

BOB : (still happy about the feast) This is better

than any uniform.

22 INT (CRUICKSHANKS AT HOCK SHOP - 1984) MORNING 22

Morning. The Cruickshanks are in a hock shop buying clothes to match

the uniform required for Todd to start high school. They look through
racks of old clothes and shoes.

SHARON : (flicks through clothes--announces) Here is a

shirt.

TODD : (disappointed--says) It is supposed to be blue.

BRETT : (answers)Grey will do. (points to some old

shoes) Get those as well…they are school
shoes…they look like a pretty good fit…and
let’s get going I am waiting on a delivery
at home.

SHARON : (mentions) What about shorts?

TODD : (states) They have to be grey.

BRETT : (yells)Fine…just hurry up…here’s twenty

bucks…I will meet you in the car.

TODD : (asks his mother) Why is Dad always so angry?

 23

23 EXT (CITY CENTRE - 1984) EARLY EVENING 23

Evening. Same day. Sydney CBD. Roberta takes Robin in to supervise

him buying his uniform. They walk out of the bustle into the store to
buy the uniform. The shop has a sign on the window reading ‘Back in
20 minutes’. Bob asked his mother if he could buy a suit, which had
absolutely nothing to do with his school uniform. They call Robin
from a payphone and Robin agrees so long as the pair did not spend
too much and get the school uniform too.

BOB : Dad. Can I get a

(talks on a payphone)
suit…You’ve always wanted me to get a suit?

ROBIN : (talks on the phone from work) Yeh…that sounds

great. I said you could get one some-day…Put
me on the phone to your mother.

ROBERTA : (takes the phone from Bob) Hello

ROBIN : Make sure he gets

(still talking on the phone)
that uniform, and don’t spend too much.

ROBERTA : (hangs up the phone) Okay. See ya.

5 minutes later. Bob and his mum walk into the clothes shop directly
opposite the phone only a few meters from the phone.

BOB : Mum…I need those

(looks at various apparel)
leather Italian shoes, leather button-on
braces, cuff links, tie and double-breasted
suit.

ROBERTA : (speaks to Bob) I like your choice…very classy.

Half an hour later. Bob tries on the suit, which fits perfectly--they
go to the counter to pay.

CHECKOUT : That will be eight hundred

(rings up the sale)
and sixty dollars thanks.

ROBERTA : What? I didn’t want to

(speaks slightly in shock)
spend that much…Oh well…what do you do…it
looks so good. (pays the man)

They both walk out of the shop and walk 50 meters to the uniform shop
to buy Bob’s suit and the shop is closed for the day. They then
proceed to the payphone where a second phone call is made to break
the news to Robin.

ROBIN : (answers the phone) Hello.

ROBERTA : (talks with a slightly scared tone) I’ve got good

news and bad news.

Cont’d
 24

Cont’d (23)

ROBIN : (asks questioningly) What’s the good news?

ROBERTA : (hands the phone to Bob) You talk Bob.

BOB : The good news is

(talks on the phone to his dad)
that you saved money on my school uniform.

ROBIN : (excited) That’s great…How did I do that?

BOB : The shop was closed…we didn’t get it.

ROBIN : What? This is becoming ridiculous…Did you get

the other suit?

BOB : Yep.

ROBIN : How much was that one?

BOB : (slightly scared) Eight hundred and sixty

dollars.

ROBIN : (annoyed)Just wait there. I know where you

are, at the phone in Pitt St right? I’ll be
there soon.

What seems like 2 minutes later Robin sees the suit Bob chose.

ROBIN : Take me to every shop you bought all this

stuff from immediately!

BOB : Why?

ROBIN : Because I want to buy a suit just

(walks off)
like it. Excellent choice. I think it would
be marvellous for you and I to wear the same
suit.

BOB : Do you realise that I still do

(walks after him)
not have a school uniform?
 25

24 EXT (FOOTBALL STADIUM - 1984) EVENING 24

Dusk. Two months later. Bob and three friends; Chubb, Rosco, and
Ando; pretend they are sick just after lunchtime so they can get to
the State of Origin football in time to get a good place on ‘The
Hill’. They arrive, in full school uniform including suit, tie and
leather school shoes. It is pouring with rain and they do not have
umbrellas. Within 5 minutes they are standing on ‘The Hill’ drenched
and shoes muddy. The Hill gradually fills with people to capacity.

BOB : (exclaims while soaking wet and cold—-stops talking—-

looks at the field—-continues talking) It’s only
five thirty…the game doesn’t start for
another two hours.

ROSCO : (getting hungry and cold) Anyone want a pie or hot

dog?

ANDO : (talks—-looks for his wallet) I’ll have a pie with

sauce.

CHUBB : (talks—-looks for his wallet) Same.

BOB : I’ll have two pies and some hot chips thanks.

ROSCO : (gets his wallet out—-checks how much money he has—-

talks) Don’t worry about money guys…you just
get the next one.

BOB : Too easy…hope there’s not a cue…I’m

(responds)
starving…Have you ever noticed at Bulldogs
games, and pretty much only Bulldogs games,
the cue for kebabs is longer than the cue for
beer? Go the Dogs! Go the blues!

Evening. Two and a half hours later. The game is midway through the
first half and it is still pouring with rain. Queensland scores a try
and the crowd goes wild. The boys are soaking wet and are sad that
NSW are losing—-they sit on the grass dejected—-at that moment
someone throws a yellow paint/smoke bomb that lands in Bob’s lap—-it
explodes-—Bob is covered in yellow paint, ruining his new uniform.

BOB : (utterly horrified jumps up—-regains composure—-speaks)

Mum and dad’s not gunna be happy when they
find out they have to buy me a new uniform.

Same instant. The four boys look up at the huge electronic screen to
see themselves being displayed to the whole crowd, and what turns out
to be the whole world.

BOYS : (exclaim in disbelief—-look up at the screen) Oh no!

The world just saw that.

BOB : Guess they know already.

 26

25 INT (ANDO’S DAD’S TV ROOM - 1984) EVENING 25

Evening. Same night as smoke/paint bomb explodes. Bob and Ando’s dad,
Fred, are watching the footy together. Robin is normally dressed but
Fred is in his pyjamas. They can’t believe what they are watching and
are utterly amazed to see their kids on TV.

ROBIN : (exclaims while watching TV—-takes a sip of his

beer—-looks at the TV again—-talks) This game’s
just cost me $300…I can feel it in my
bones.

FRED : (responds) Did you have a bet?

ROBIN : No. Bob’s gunna need a new uniform for

sure.

FRED : (talks in a frenzied way now) I can’t believe

it.

ROBIN : I can. Boys will be boys…s’pose they will

have something to talk about in the future.

FRED : Well…I’m furious. I’m going to

(still cranky)
get Ando immediately. I’ll be back within
the hour…keep watching. (gets up—-grabs his
keys and wallet—-exits in his pyjamas)

26 EXT (FOOTBALL STADIUM - 1984) NIGHT 26

Night. 40 minutes later. Fred walks onto The Hill in his pyjamas and
grabs Ando by the ear escorting him off to the car. This screen is
fully displayed on the big screen and national television. Chubb,
Rosco, and Bob cannot believe Fred’s behaviour—-the crowd goes
berserk and begins chanting.

FRED : (shouts)Come ‘er. Ando you are in so much

trouble. (grabs him by the ear and leads him out)

CROWD : (chants)That boy’s dad’s a psycho! That

boy’s dad’s a psycho!

BOB : Ando’s gunna get

(speaks matter-of-factly)
teased for a year…It’s half time…who’s up
for a pie?

Cont’d
 27

Cont’d (26)

A Mexican wave goes up in which the members refuse to participate.

BOB : (starts a chant of his own, with which the Hill and
then the rest of the ground take up and start
yelling in unison) Members are wankers!

CROWD : Members are wankers!

(starts their chant)
Members are wankers!

MEMBERS : But we’ve got

(start their own chant in reply)
full strength beer! But we’ve got full
strength beer!

27 EXT (FOOTBALL STADIUM - 1984) EVENING 27

Evening. Same night as smoke/paint bomb explodes. Todd is at the

ground on the hill at the same game as Bob where they meet for the
second time in their lives. After the smoke bomb goes off Todd gets
in a fight with a drunk man and the event is witnessed by Bob who
helps him.

DRUNK : (removes penis and urinates on the hill and some on

Todd—-slurs loudly) Go the blues.

TODD : (jumps backwards--yells) Are you fuckin’

serious?

DRUNK : (continues urinating—-slurs) Woops…move…I can’t

see the game.

TODD : (throws a punch—-exclaims) You’re an idiot…get

away from me.

A scuffle breaks out between the two. Bob sees what has happened and
steps in to break up the fight, after which they continue watching
the game.

BOB : (mentions to Todd) Leave it…he’s not worth it.

TODD : (responds) Thanks mate.

 28

28 INT (BOB’S SCIENCE CLASS - 1986) DAY 28

Day. One year later. Bob is in his 26 strong science class. Bob
studied the wrong sections of his textbook. Instead of knowing the
details of fatty acids, proteins and carbohydrates, all Bob learnt
was the complex structure of DNA. A test is placed in front of each
student. There isn’t a single question on DNA.

BOB : (speaks worriedly) There isn’t a single question

on DNA!

QUESTION : What is the difference between

(question 1 reads)
fat and cholesterol?

BOB : I don’t wake up in the

(writes a sarcastic answer)
morning with half a cholesterol.

Bob continues writing responses and answers the questions he knows

nothing about—-looks out the window—-continues answering with the
exact same response to every question

BOB : (answers nearly every question the same) Jesus is

the answer. (Thinks to himself)

Bob continues writing responses until he reads one particular

question.

QUESTION : (paper reads) What size is an average DNA

molecule?

BOB : I read an advertisement in a shop

(answers)
window one day which proves that size does
matter… It stated that a shop had dress
shirts on sale for men with [size] 16 necks.

29 INT (TODD’S SCHOOL FETE - 1986) DAY 29

Day. Two weeks later. There is a large crowd at Todd’s public school
fete. There are numerous stalls and activities scattered around the
school grounds to make money for the school.

SIGN : (an honesty box and a sign are displayed at an

unattended jams stall. The sign is in bright red paint
and reads) Please be generous and remember, God
is watching.

TODD : (sees the funny side of the first sign and giggles—-
grabs a piece of paper and marker—-makes another which
he places on the fruit stall) Take all you want.
God is watching the jams (steals an apple).
 29

30 INT (COURT ROOM - 1990) MID-MORNING 30

Morning. Three and a half years later. Bob has to appear in court for
a speeding offence. He is with his girlfriend-of-the-time named Turah
and unrepresented by a lawyer. The judge is overweight and very smug.
Bob meets Todd for the third time in their life. Todd is appearing in
court for theft. They meet yet again.

JUDGE : Late in the evening on the

(describes scene)
20/9/1991 you were clocked airborne by a
policeman in a patrol car doing 146km per
hour in a 60km per hour zone…are sure you
want to represent yourself?

BOB : (answers)Are you suggesting I get someone like

yourself to represent me?

JUDGE : I would if I were you.

BOB : I just couldn’t find anyone

(answers honestly)
with quite your magnitude…besides…I don’t
want to tell my parents until after I have
dealt with this situation…because they would
have helped me…I have done wrong and so would
like to suffer the consequences on my own.

JUDGE : (questions further) Any reason why you were going

so fast?

BOB : I was experimenting as to

(discloses his reason)
how far I could get the car off the ground…On
about the fifth attempt I was flying.

JUDGE : What are you studying at university?

BOB : Law.

JUDGE : It says here in the report…that

(continues)
after you had your fingerprints taken you
were slouching in your chair and treating the
situation like you had ‘been-there-before’.

BOB : (retorts)I was annoyed that I got caught…and

as I told the officers…there isn’t a law
against slouching.

JUDGE : Do you have anything further to say in your

defence?

Cont’d
 30

Cont’d (30)

BOB : Well sir…yes I do… I am here for speeding. I

don’t see any drug dealers. I don’t see any
murderers or rapists or politicians in this
court, and you are giving me a hard time. Do
you see a problem with the system? I know
full well that you are about to say that I am
going to be walking to university for a long
time…You are going to suspend my license by
one day more than the law requires getting it
back without having to do another driving
test just to inconvenience me….You will tell
me that I can’t drive home and I have a fine.

JUDGE : You are going to be walking to

(passes judgement)
university for a long time, but I won’t make
you endure weekend detention. Your license
will be suspended for two years and one day
exactly. (waves fist emphatically…speaks) You may
not drive home and you have a five hundred
dollar fine.

BOB : Thankyou sir…you

(provides his final statement)
have probably just saved my life…after
all…there is now a lot of drinking to
do…there are countless parties and people to
meet before it is time to study. Goodbye.

Bob exits the courtroom--walks out to the front of the courthouse

where his hatchback is parked—bumps in to Todd but doesn’t recognise
him. They have a conversation--gets in the car—-drives home to tell
his parents.

TODD : (literally bumps in to Bob—-yells) Watch out

retard.

BOB : (replies—-gets in his car) I’m having a bad day

mate…leave me alone.

TODD : You reckon you’re having a

(replies more calmly)
bad day…I just got pinged for theft.

TURAH : (speaks to Bob) Let’s just go.

BOB : (drives off—-speaks out window) Good luck.

 31

31 EXT (FRONT OF BOB’S HOUSE-1990) NOON 31

Noon. Two hours later. Bob summons his dad from the front yard to
come out—-he begins explaining what has happened.

BOB : (yells) Dad! Dad!

ROBIN : (comes out to the front and questioning) What’s

wrong?

BOB : I just lost my license for

(sobs a little)
speeding…I had to go to court…I’ve lost it
for two years.

ROBIN : Why didn’t you tell me…I could have got you
off?

BOB : For that very reason…it’s my responsibility.

ROBIN : Well…if that’s the worst

(says sympathetically)
thing that happens to you in life…you’re
gunna have a good one. (walks around to the back
of the car seeing footprints on the inside of the back
window to the hatchback and questions further) Who’s
footprints are they?

BOB : Turah’s…my girlfriend’s.

ROBIN : Better clean them off before your

(not phased)
mother sees them.

BOB : Dad…Like stumbling through

(answers cryptically)
the wilderness truly believing you are the
first person to have ever walked those
parts…only to find a lone V.B can…it’s time
for me to wander new territory.

32 INT (CINEMA BAR-1991) LATE NIGHT 32

Night. Six months later. Bob is sitting with about fifteen of his new
friends that work at the cinema with him. They are having drinks--
Before long their table is full with empty beer bottles. Bob has now
worked there for a few months and so this scene involves flashbacks
to events Bob and his friends are describing while having beers.
Their conversations are narrated as the scene is displayed.

Cont’d
 32

Cont’d (32)

DAZ : (toasts) Good to have you here Bob…Cheers. (they

clunk beer bottles)

MORGAN : You’ll never believe just

(speaks about the job)
how stupid some people are who come in here.

BOB : (answers)Yes I will…I’ve been here a few

months already don’t forget…Amongst the
multitude of ‘normal’ people there is always
an idiot…I don’t find them annoying…just
amusing.

MORGAN : No seriously…one day a patron came up to the

box office window and told me that their car
had broken down…when I asked them if they
wanted the yellow pages to call the NRMA they
asked me how to spell it.

BOB : (talks)I’ll tell you a funny one. I was

standing out the front of cinema 4 ushering
just the other day when a patron asked me
where cinema 9 was…We all know that this
complex only has six screens, so I knew
immediately that she wasn’t dealing off a
full deck…I was quick to inform her that to
get to cinema 9 she had to walk to the front
of the shopping centre complex and catch the
371 bus. (takes a sip of his beer) I told her that
once she sees a large roundabout she should
then ask the driver where cinema 9 is…She
followed my instructions and I haven’t seen
her since.

FRIENDS : (laugh and mumble in unison) Hilarious.

BOB : Some of the questions people

(continues the rant)
have asked me in my short time here makes me
wonder how these people find their way home
each day…One guy asked me if we sold
stamps…another if we were the movie cinema.

Cont’d
 33

Cont’d (32)

POG : One guy asked me

(chimes in to the conversation)
why we don’t play new James Stewart movies
anymore…Get this…fair dinkum…one lady walked
up to me at the candy bar and asked me what
the best way to get here was.

BOB : (laughs both at the banter and the tipsiness--continues

talking) My all-time favourite happened when I
was dressed in our red waistcoat, apron and
serving ice cream with a large scoop in
hand…a lady approached me and asked if I
worked here.

WAPPO : (slams his beer on the table in disbelief) What did

you say?

BOB : I said no…No I don’t work here.

DAMMO : (talks to collaborate and agree with the stupidity)

And you get those calls in the box office
where people ring asking for session times at
another cinema complex…I just tell them that
I don’t know the session times…but George the
greengrocer might…Then I rattle off the
number of the local fruit and vegetable shop
at Maroubra…I remember the number because
it’s on the awning opposite where I catch the
bus.

WAPPO : I can’t remember what one

(keeps conversing)
lady said to me exactly…but I just looked at
her and told her that she wouldn’t have a
very high I.Q…no kidding…she looked at me and
said that it was 20/20 thank you.

BOB : (slightly altering the line of conversation—-opens

another beer) Enough of that…look I’ve got a
great joke for you. (pauses and gets everyone’s
attention) It was the final of an off-the-cuff,
worldwide, poetry competition. The final was
between an Aussie drover and an American
parson. Because he was the parson, the
adjudicator announced that he should go
first. However, because it was the final, the
rules were to be a bit more difficult. It was
a criterion that he must end the last word of
the last sentence with the word Timbuktu…

Cont’d
 34

Cont’d (32)

BOB : Then, off the top of his

(continues his joke)
head the parson spurts these words…’Around
the world I have been…Saving women from
strife and sin…From the back of Bourke to
Waterloo…I’ve even been to Timbuktu.’ (pauses)
Of course the crowd loved it…and this would
be a hard act to follow…but the Australian
drover piped up in a dry bush accent…‘Tim and
I a-droving went…We found three women in a
tent…`Cause they were three and we were two…I
bucked one and Tim-bucked-two.

DAZ : (finishes his beer—-inquires) Who wants another

beer?

BOB : Man’s not a camel…what

(finishes yet another beer)
are they going to say when they do a
stocktake?

33 INT (CINEMA) MORNING 33

Morning. A fortnight later. The entire staff arrives at the cinema

complex for a staff meeting in cinema 3. Rusty, the cinema manager
finishes his video game of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles in the foyer-
-saunters in—-the staff all tries to pay attention-—they try to stay
awake.

VID GAME : (music from final credits) Heroes in a half

shell…Turtle power.

DAZ : (burps as he drinks an early morning beer) I’m so

tired.

RUSTY : Thank you all for coming. Daz…you

(announces)
are kidding…hope you paid for that…you’re not
working today are you?

DAZ : Yeh…but not till 10.30…the first

(sips beer)
session doesn’t start till 10.30.

RUSTY : Daz…there’s a double feature today…we are

gunna be packed. (points to his paper work) This
brings me to these stock take figures.

BOB : (listens to Rusty and mutters quietly to Pog) This is

gunna be good.
Cont’d
 35

Cont’d (33)

RUSTY : This month

(relays the findings of the stock take)
we were down a quarter bottle of gin…half a
bottle of vodka…two bottles of wine…seventy
five bottles of beer…and now…for my all-time
favourite…seven bottles of Jim Beam…And why
is ‘man’s not a camel’ carved into the bar?
What the hell does that mean?

DAZ : We finished now? Gotta lace up the morning’s

first session.

RUSTY : Yep…time for Turtles (walks over to the game)

VID GAME : (music from beginning credits) Heroes in a half

shell…Turtle power.

Morning. One hour later. The staff meeting finishes and the staff
disperse. Half the staff goes home while the other half get ready for
work. By this time there is a large crowd of people already waiting
at the front doors to get in for the first session. Daz, the
projectionist wobbles up the stairs to get the first of 6 sessions
ready. Bob stands at the doors of cinema 2 where he ushers. The doors
open and the crowd floods in. Bob checks cinema 2 as they enter.

BOB : (inspects cinema and sees a man lying in between seats—

-walks up to him and notices it’s his friend who’s
uniform is around his neck and has passed out due to
last night’s festivities—-tries to wake him) Is that
a hobo? God…there’s spew everywhere…Ghee…wake
up! (Ghee doesn’t stir much) Mate…you’ve gotta
get out of here…by the way you only have one
eyebrow. (rolls Ghee over to find marker writing on
his belly with an arrow pointing to his privates)

WRITING : (writing reads) Pull for juice.

Ghee gets up and exits via the top stairs into the projection room.
Patrons file in and many dry reach at the sight and smell of vomit.

BOB : (walks back out and talks to patrons while trying to

hide a love mark on his neck as he rips tickets)
Thank you…Thank you…enjoy the film.

LADY : Is that a love bite?

(enters cinema—questions Bob)
How did that love bite get on your neck?

BOB : My mother always told me to show signs of

what I paid for…enjoy the film.

Cont’d
 36

Cont’d (33)

GIRL : (asks Bob) Is this a good movie?

BOB : I haven’t seen it…but I’ve heard good things.

It’s about third world poverty.

GIRL : Oh…Those people make me cry…but I’d love to

be that thin…but not that sick.

Morning. Two hours later. Patrons exit cinemas after the first
session and session two begins. A double feature of Pretty Woman and
Dick Tracy starts. Numerous posters display this event around the
foyer. The tickets are only $5 and so the session is hugely busy.

P.A : Could Bob Bobbin

(voice comes over the loudspeaker)
go up and help in the projection room
please…could Morgan please take over at the
doors of cinema 2.

MORGAN : (arrives at the doors of cinema 2—-says to Bob) I’ll

take over here…they want you upstairs.

BOB : (hands Morgan his ripped tickets and torch) No

worries.

34 INT (PROJECTION ROOM-1991) NOON 34

Noon. Moments later. Bob goes upstairs to help Daz get the movies on
the screen. Daz is suffering a mixture of hangover and top up from
this morning’s beers and so asks Bob for help with the double
feature.

DAZ : Bob…you know what

(laces up cinema five--speaks)
you’re doing…lace Pretty Woman up for me…then
get Dick Tracy ready.

BOB : (putting the movie through the sprockets, rollers and

aperture plate) Too easy. (focuses the picture,
lowers the lights and begins the movie)

DAZ : This is gunna be a long day…still hungover.

BOB : (half slides the full feature of Dick Tracy onto the
trolley—-turns head to look at Daz—-keeps sliding—-
speaks) Shit!

Cont’d
 37

Cont’d (34)

DAZ : Mr Sheened the film trolley this morning.

BOB : (shows complete dismay—-slides the film right off the

trolley and onto the floor—-film goes everywhere)
Thanks for telling me now! Houston…we have a
problem…Look!

DAZ : (looks around to see film tangled everywhere on the

floor) Oh God…no way…what’s the time?

BOB : Time for a drink.

DAZ : Pretty Woman has

(runs over to grab a splicer)
just started…we have two hours to get Dick
Tracy on the screen…I will unravel…you keep
winding the movie onto the take-up platter.

BOB : (feeds film into the take up roller) Guess we could

look at the bright side.

DAZ : (starts to cut and splice each time the film becomes
too tangled) What bright side?

BOB : All we really have is twisted not-so-pretty

woman and a wrinkled Dick Tracy.

DAZ : And possibly a written warning.

Two hours later. The film makes the screen with at least 150 splices,
10 minutes of the film missing on the floor and dust all over it.

BOB : (looks at the film on the screen) Perfect…we do

deserve a beer tonight.

35 INT (CINEMA BAR) LATE EVENING 35

Late evening. Ten hours later. The staff sit around and have the
usual staffies. Bob is in charge of cocktails that night and
furiously makes creations with a blender.

BOB : May as
(tips a mixture of spirits into the blender)
well begin ruining next month’s stocktake
figures.

Cont’d
 38

Cont’d (35)

DAMMO : How much are you

(looks stunned—-asks questions)
putting in this cocktail? What’s in it?

BOB : Lots.

DAMMO : Really. What’s in it?

BOB : You’re right…might need

(grabs another blender)
another blender…Guess what it’s called.

DAZ : Carnage incorporated.

BOB : (continues tipping in spirits—-adds ice—-adds pineapple

juice—-laughs maniacally) Good guess…but no…

WAPPO : What is in it?

BOB : Two nips of Midori…two nips of vodka…two nips

of Malibu…one nip of Cointreau…some cream…and
two nips of pineapple juice for health
reasons. (blends the cocktail—pours the staff a glass
each—puts a few drops of grenadine on the top of each)

DAZ : Wow!

BOB : It’s green right…now stir it. (cocktails turn

red) It’s called ‘Two Frogs Having Sex in a
Blender When One Slips and Hits the On
Button’…tastes awesome…Ribbit.

DAZ : (grabs a permanent marker—begins writing on the

cocktail board) Two Frogs. (realises mistake) Oh
no…I didn’t realise this is a permanent
marker.

BOB : I like the name…lucky…we’re

(sips his cocktail)
never getting that off.

Midnight. Two hours later. After many drinks, staff walk out to the
car park and literally picked up a cleaner’s car and placed it in the
centre of the cinema foyer. The car is very run down, rust-eaten and
barely road worthy. They then decorated it with balloons, streamers
and a large sign.

BOB : (places sign on the car) The cleaner’s gunna spin

out.

Cont’d
 39

Cont’d (35)

SIGN : (reads)Buy a ticket to any movie and you could

win this car. Ask a manager how.

DAZ : (leads group back to their table) Lets have a beer

and admire our work.

BOB : (speaks)Why when adults have multiple

personalities it's schizophrenia, but when a
child has imaginary friends it's cute?

POG : This has nothing to do

(laughs--changes subject)
with that but did you hear how there was an
animal rights protest in Germany, where two
protesters were objecting to the cruelty of
pigs? During the protest around two thousand
pigs escaped…stampeded and trampled the
protesters to death. (sips beer-—pauses) It is
incidents like these that make me realise
that when your time is up your time is up…and
that sometimes you have more than just a bad
day.

The group stumble out and look for taxis to get home.

36 INT/EXT (BOB’S HOUSE) LATE EVENING 36

Late evening. One hour later. Roberta and Robin Bobbin are lying in
bed talking. Bob is on his way home after drinking with his friends
at the cinema. Robin and Roberta’s bedroom is at the front of the
house and Bob comes in the back.

ROBERTA : I’m fed up with Bob

(talks in anticipation)
coming home at all hours of the night and
climbing through the kitchen window…he takes
the fly screen off and now it’s lose and
bent…He leaves scuff marks on the walls…I
told him not to do that anymore.

ROBIN : (agrees) I know…it is getting beyond a joke.

Only a short time after their discussion. Bob walks through the back
yard after arriving home intoxicated again. It is a rainy evening and
his two Rottweilers cover him with mud in their excitement to see
him. Robin and Roberta hear a slight tapping noise from the kitchen
as Bob tries to take off the flyscreen to get in the kitchen window.

Cont’d
 40

Cont’d (36)

ROBERTA : Is that him now?

Bob removes the flyscreen—-drops it—-climbs in leaving Bob mud on the

side of the house.

BOB : (tries to be quiet--climbs in the window and over the

top of a pile of dishes and glasses that are draining
in a rack on the kitchen sink—-speaks quietly half to
himself) This is gunna be tricky.

ROBIN : (listens to Bob climbing in the house—-speaks) Just

wait…let’s see what happens.

When Bob is three quarters of the way inside the window his wet hand
slips on the corner of the stainless steel sink--he goes crashing
into the plates, over the sink and onto the floor. The cutlery,
crockery and glassware smash to the floor and all over Bob.

BOB : I knew this was gunna be

(half to himself)
tricky…shit a brick…this is going to be even
more tricky when mum and dad get out here.

ROBERTA : (startled) Are we being invaded?

The Bobbins fly out of bed and into the kitchen in a flash. They
turned on the light to see Bob amongst the wreckage. Bob has a
horrified expression on his face, without a single scratch. The
Bobbins merely laugh at the scene.

BOB : (surprised that his parents aren’t angry) G’day.

ROBIN : (hands Bob the dustpan, brush and vacuum cleaner—walks

back to bed talking) You won’t do that again…will
you.

BOB : (understanding) That was not a question…was it?

37 INT/EXT (TODD’S HOUSE-1991-NOW 20) EVENING 37

Late evening. Todd comes home late at night to get some warm clothes
because he is cold. Sharon and Brett are stoned on the couch, but not
stoned enough to be satisfied. They were relying on Todd to bring
home some heroin for them.

TODD : (knocks on front door--yells through keyhole) I’m

freezing. Let me in.

SHARON : (elbows Brett—-speaks)Todd’s back.

Cont’d
 41

Cont’d (37)

BRETT : ‘bout
(gets up slowly—-opens front door--mumbles)
time Todd. Where the hell have you been?

TODD : Oh shit…I forgot

(looks scared—-remembers—-replies)
to get the stuff off Barry…He didn’t come to
the skate park…I will see him later…I am just
so cold…I will grab my jacket and go straight
over to his house now.

SHARON : Brett…tell that little

(yells out from the couch)
bastard not to bother…he is not worth
feeding.

BRETT : Did
(yells at Todd—-while slapping him in the face)
you hear that? Get going and don’t come back
till the situation is rectified.

TODD : (yells back—sobs in a determined and ashamed way) I’ll

rectify the fuckin’ situation alright. (slams
door and walks off)

38 INT (LUXURIOUS HOUSE COOGEE) EVENING 38

Evening. Same year. Bob and the lady he has been seeing; Serena; are
sitting in the lounge room waiting for the dinner guests to arrive.
His ‘lady friend’ is 43 and Bob is only 20. They each have a drink in
this large and ornate room which adjoins the dining area. Bob is
dressed in smart pair of trousers, a T-shirt and a posh leather
jacket.

SERENA : (hands Bob a pre-lit joint) Here you go.

BOB : (talks in a way that is almost a way of making himself

believe that he is there, living every boy’s fantasy
out) No joint for me yet Serena…at least until
the guests arrive anyway.

SERENA : No problem…I’m going to.

BOB : I don’t doubt it…I wouldn’t have thought

otherwise.

SERENA : (hands Bob a beer) What do you mean?

Cont’d
 42

Cont’d (38)

BOB : Besides the fact that

(takes beer-—has a sip)
you’re a beautiful married woman the fact
that you never have a joint out of your hands
makes me love you even more.

SERENA : (looks up) You wouldn’t know what love is.

BOB : I know that I love the fact that your husband

is in another state at a business meeting and
won’t be home to neck me this evening.

SERENA : I’ll tell you a funny

(changes the subject)
story…you know Billy…my Boxer?

BOB : That Dog’s hilarious…he wanders around like

he is in a trance all the time.

SERENA : I’ll tell you why…when he was a pup…he ate a

huge hydroponic marijuana plant from out of
my wardrobe…The dog slept for a week and
after that day never ran again…he only moseys
about…I’ve only ever heard him bark once.

Guests start to arrive for dinner and are introduced to Bob. Serena’s
friends were either posh or pretending to be posh and around 40 years
of age. All were dressed very smartly with the women having excess
makeup and jewellery. By the time the main course had been completed
the table was full with dinner plates, half-filled wine bottles,
scattered expensive cutlery and full crystal wine glasses. After
dessert Serena clears the table and conversation begins.

SERENA : (breaks ice with conversation) Did everyone enjoy

their meals?

MALE 1 : (answers)Divine…I have my hairdressing

equipment in the car darling…maybe after a
few more glasses of wine I could give you a
work over.

BOB : Maybe after a few more glasses

(looks at Serena)
of wine I could give you a work over.

SERENA : Naughty.

LADY 1 : Serena…you know how we have all those sample

packs out the back at DJs?

SERENA : No.
Cont’d
 43

Cont’d (38)

LADY 2 : In the storage room behind our

(chimes in)
cosmetics section.

LADY 1 : Yes…Well…I took a couple…remind me to get

some out before I leave.

BOB : (interrupts) Anyone mind if I smoke?

GUESTS : (uncomfortable but reply tentatively) No…that’s

okay.

BOB : Oh…thanks.

SERENA : Want an ashtray?

BOB : Yes please…that would be perfect. (reaches into

his left jacket pocket--pulls out a dirty plastic Orchy
bong and places it on the table—-fills it with water
using a carafe near him)

SERENA : (puts ashtray in front of Bob) This will be

interesting.

BOB : Sure will. (grabs ashtray-—reaches into his right

jacket pocket—-pulls out a bong and bag of chopped pot—
-fills ashtray) Gotta love the bubble machine.

LADY 3 : Not for me…I’ve got asthma (reaches into the

bowl—-grabs a handful—-starts chewing)

The chins of all the guests hit the floor. All bar one of ten guests
have a bong. Turns out to be a quite outrageous and funny party as
all sit round giggling.

LADY 2 : I’m so hungry…any more dessert?

BOB : Munchies?

SERENA : You know…there’s one problem…my cupboards are

bare…shopping day tomorrow.(gets up-—walks to the
kitchen—-checks cupboards) All I’ve got…can you
believe it…is a box of ice cream cones and a
jar of mustard pickles.

LADY 2 : That will do…I’m starving.

SERENA : (gets box of cones and jar of pickles and puts them in
front of lady 2) Here you go.
Cont’d
 44

Cont’d (38)

LADY 2 : (picks up mustard pickles frantically--stuffs pickles

them into cones—-eats them)

BOB : (looks on) Ah… It’s a funny old world.

39 INT (SHOPPING COMPLEX - 1991) DAYTIME 39

Daytime. Two weeks later. Bob, Morgan and Pog are walking through the
huge department store situated immediately below the cinema talking
about Phantom of the Opera.

POG : Can’t believe Martine is going to

(eats a kebab)
see Phantom of the Opera in Melbourne.

MORGAN : Is she…how do you know?

POG : She showed me her tickets this morning when

we were ushering.

POG : But we’ve been talking about going to see

Phantom of the Opera for ages.

BOB : And we wanted to see it in Sydney too…A

Melbourne trip sounds heaps better…that’s the
thing…talk is cheap…let’s just do this. We
got paid today…let’s spend some of it. (points
to the travel agent) There’s a travel agent…let’s
go and ask.

MORGAN : Righto…lucky we get paid monthly…we’ve got

heaps to burn.

The three walk in to the travel agent and sit at the desk in front of
a sales agent. They all peer at the prices of overseas flights.

SIGN : U.S.A $2900 return…U.K $2800 return. (they read

the bottom line) Around the world ticket $3200.

BOB : I’ll take a round the world

(looks at sales lady)
ticket thanks…when’s the next flight?

AGENT : Tomorrow.

BOB : Perfect…Pog…Morgan…you up for it?

Cont’d
 45

Cont’d (39)

MORGAN : I am…but we should leave it until next week.

POG : Next week sounds good.

BOB : We’ll take three tickets thanks…any discounts

if we take three?

AGENT : I’ll chuck in free travel insurance for each

if you buy three.

BOB : Sold.

40 INT (FRONT OF TODD’SDEALER’S HOUSE IN CAR)NIGHT 40

Night. Same day. Todd talks to a friend Ian in the front seat of his
friend’s car. Ian is a rough, older man with tattoos and leathery
face. Ian has supplied balaclavas and 2 guns – only one has bullets
and works. The car is an old Ford Cortina and it is parked in front
of a traditional suburban house.

TODD : (nervously fidgets with his balaclava--whispers)

Thanks for this Ian…I am fuckin’ sick to
death of my family’s shit…I want out.

IAN : (replies)No worries…I am helping you and

me…How much cash is in there you reckon.

TODD : (answers—-glares out the passenger window

nervously)Five thousand or so, maybe.

IAN : (pulls on his balaclava—-checks his gun—-informatively

speaks) Just stay behind me…your gun doesn’t
work…you are just along for the ride…are you
sure there is only one guy in this joint?

TODD : (pulls on his balaclava-—replies) Yes…Tutu

lives by himself…I have never seen anyone at
his place when I have rocked up to score.

IAN : (opens his door-—starts to get out—-

whispers)Half-half…let’s do this.
 46

41 INT (DEPARTURES LOUNGE) AFTERNOON 41

Afternoon. One week later. Bob, Pog and Morgan are drinking beer with
many friends and their parents in the departures lounge of Sydney
airport.

BOB : Drinking beer

(pouring himself a beer from a jug)
at altitude could pose a problem…I’m only
having one jug before I get on the plane.

ROBIN : Isn’t it like having double on the ground if

you have one in the air?

BOB : What are airlines thinking? Not

(continues)
only is it like drinking double the amount at
altitude as would be the case on land but
they gave you an extra half a nip on top of
that in those little bottles…This means that
someone who was accustomed to drinking ten
beers or bourbons was now suddenly consuming
30 of them without realising it…Bit of a
difference? No wonder they have trouble with
rowdy passengers…They say that having one
drink at altitude is like drinking two on the
ground. They also say that having one drink
in a boat is like having three on the land.
Does that mean if you drank one drink in a
boat on a plane it would be like having six?

The three hug their parents and friend and proceed through the
departure gates until they are out of view. They are now going to
L.A.

42 INT (AEROPLANE) AFTERNOON 42

Afternoon. One hour later. Bob, Pog and Morgan sit waiting for take-
off.

BOB : (watches and listens to air hostess) This is gunna

be awesome.

HOSTESS : (begins in-flight message—has red eyes and slurs her

words—in an intoxicated voice announces) There may
be fifty ways to leave your lover but there
are only four ways out of this airplane…We
hope you enjoy giving us the business as much
as we enjoy taking you for a ride…

Cont’d
 47

Cont’d (42)

Please take care when opening the overhead

compartments because during a flight like we
are used too sure as hell everything will be
everywhere… To operate your seatbelt, insert
the metal tab into the buckle while pulling
the strap tight…It operates exactly the same
as every other seatbelt and if you don't know
how to operate one you probably shouldn't be
out in public unsupervised…In the event of a
sudden loss of pressure within the
cabin…masks will descend from the ceiling to
supply you with oxygen…Stop screaming…grab
the mask and push it to your face…If you have
a small child travelling with you secure your
mask before assisting them with theirs…If you
are travelling with two or more
infants…decide now which one you love more
and say goodbye to the other just in
case…Your seat cushions can be used to keep
you afloat in water and in the event of
emergency and there needs to be a water
landing please take them with you with our
compliments…As you exit the plane, make sure
to gather all of your belongings because
anything left behind will be distributed
evenly among the flight attendants so do not
leave children or spouses…Thank you and
remember…nobody loves you or your money more
than us…Also keep in mind that the last one
off the plane must clean it…We'd like to
thank you folks for flying with us today and
the next time you get the insane urge to go
zooming through the air above the clouds in a
pressurised metal tube…we hope you'll think
of us here at Friendly Airways. (puts down
microphone)

BOB : (aghast—-speaks) Hopefully the pilot was not as

inebriated as the hostess. Occasionally it
was better to adhere to the philosophy ‘if
you can’t beat them, join them (summons the
hostess) One bourbon and coke thanks.

POG : Already?

Cont’d
 48

Cont’d (42)

BOB : Yep…I need some sleep…and I have an ingenious

idea to save money (pulls out an empty 2L cordial
container—-shows it to Pog and Morgan)

MORGAN : What’s that for?

BOB : Watch (calls over hostess—-requests) I’ll have

another bourbon thanks.

HOSTESS : No problem sir. (takes out mini bourbon bottle from

her trolley) Here you are.

BOB : (waits for her to move on—-pulls out cordial bottle

again-—tips half the bottle’s contents in—-talks) I’ll
have a full 2L of bourbon by the time we get
to LA.

POG : Genius…absolute genius.

Bob empties half of each bottle he received into his own container
for the next few hours and drank the other half. When Bob had one
quarter filled his cordial bottle with Jim Beam, he takes two
sleeping pills and attempts to sleep.

BOB : (hails the hostess yet again) One more thank you.

HOSTESS : Gee whiz…this is getting

(getting more annoyed)
out of hand…how can you drink so much.

BOB : (gives her his empty bottle) Here is the

evidence…gone.

HOSTESS : I suppose…if you weren’t producing your

empties I would be a bit suspicious…still…I
do have others to attend to…It seems like I
am here all the time.

BOB : (takes two sleeping pills—tries to sleep) I’m gunna

try and have a little sleep guys.

POG : Me too. (the three try to sleep-—one minute passes—-

stirs)

BOB : I’m too excited. (Puts drinks light on)

Cont’d
 49

Cont’d (42)

HOSTESS : (arrives with three more drinks without having to be

asked—-gets annoyed) This is out of control (hands
him a valium) Either sit on the floor near my
serving station or take this valium.

BOB : (grabs valium—-places tablet in his mouth-—washes it

down with a bourbon and coke) Actually…I will do
both. (gets up—-walks down the aisle to service area—-
sits on the floor-—drinks his drink—-falls asleep)
Good night.

43 INT/EXT (TODD’S DEALER’S HOUSE) NIGHT 43

Night. Same day. Ian and Todd are dressed in balaclavas. Todd knocks
on the front door of his dealer’s house like usual while Ian hides
behind bush to the side. Tutu, upon answering, the Jamaican rasta-
like dealer is startled incredibly. Ian and Todd burst in and hijack
the situation to find more money than they first imagined would be
there.

TODD : (knocks on door—speaks) Hello.

TUTU : (asks) Who is it?

TODD : (answers) Brett.

TUTU : (opens door—yells as both rush in) What the

fuck…what the fuck?

IAN : (hits Tutu with his gun…shouts reply) Shut up and

sit down.

TUTU : (holds head in pain…reels back in confusion…sits on

couch…asks Todd) What are you doing?

TODD : (looks around…sees a huge pile of bundled 50 and 100

dollar notes…asks) Why so much?

TUTU : (states)You don’t wanna touch that…you will be

messin’ with the wrong people…this is cash
I’ve collected on tick.

IAN : (points to Todd…insists) Let’s do what we came

for…grab it all.

Cont’d
 50

Cont’d (43)

TODD : (speaks)There’s a lot here…you sure? Someone

is going to be a bit put out by this…how much
do you reckon is here?

IAN : (replies) At least a hundred grand.

TODD : You can tell

(begins bagging all the cash…talks)
whoever this belongs to that Brett and Sharon
Cruickshank are responsible for this. (Todd
puts all the money in a huge duffle bag…walks up to
Tutu and presses his face against his..speaks calmly)
Remember…Brett and Sharon Cruickshank…Fuck
you…I’ve had enough…I want out.

TUTU : (asks) Do I know you.

IAN : (hits TUTU with gun again—yells) No you don’t.

44 INT (HOSTEL) AFTERNOON 44

Afternoon. One week later. Bob and Morgan sit in a hotel deciding
what they are going to do next.

BOB : (speaks)There is always a way to save money

travelling…Instead of Lonely Planet I am
going to write a book called The World on
Vegemite Sandwiches…Why do they call it
lonely planet anyway…no one would want to
travel if it was lonely? (sips a bourbon and coke)
I’ve got an idea…Suicide for Dummies.

MORGAN : What are we going to do

(sips his drink)
tonight? I am really tired…I might just stay
in…we have to buy a camera tomorrow and go to
Disneyland anyway.

BOB : No worries…let’s play cards…I’m up for a

quiet one after last night. (downs drink—-gets
cards)

MORGAN : Where did you go last night? (deals cards—-pours

two drinks)
Cont’d
 51

Cont’d (44)

BOB : I went to the Red Onion bar…heard it was a

great place to meet chicks…Wait till you hear
this though…There are two Red Onion bars…both
on Sunset Boulevard…but I didn’t realise how
bloody long Sunset Boulevard actually is…I
picked the wrong one.

MORGAN : What happened (puts some cards on the table)

BOB : (answers—-plays a card) There’s one near Chinatown

and one in UCLA…The one in Chinatown is
certainly not the place to find women…and
certainly not the place for an underage white
guy…As I entered it was like an old western
movie. Even the music stopped… I was the only
white ‘man’ in there. I was thinking two
things…run and be embarrassed or drink and be
merry…so after six Jack’s I left.

45 EXT (DISNEYLAND) AFTERNOON 45

Afternoon. Beautiful sunny day. Bob and Morgan are sitting down
having a hot dog chatting. They are fiddling with their new cameras.

BOB : (speaks)How good is it that America has

awesome bartering system?

Morgan : ‘Reckon…Why don’t they put things like that

in Let’s Go? I had no idea that if you get a
quote for something at one shop, then a
competing outlet has to beat that price by
law.

BOB : And to think…we only had to walk between two

camera shops 14 times to get these at a
dollar above cost…Not only that but by the
time we had made eleven or so visits I knew
the lady working in the second camera shop
quite well.

MORGAN : (takes a bite of his hot dog—-speaks) She was hot.

BOB : Well…camera girl is coming to pick me

tomorrow night. I hope she shows me a few
personal landmarks not listed in any tourist
magazine. (finishes hot dog—-screws up wrapper—-
stands up—walks to an amusement)
Cont’d
 52

Cont’d (45)

MORGAN : Let’s start off tame and work our way up.

BOB : Alright (walks towards a serene boat ride—-they both

get in—-ride begins-—music plays) This looks as calming
as it gets.

MUSIC : It’s a small world after all…it’s a small

world after all’

BOB : If I hear the words ‘It’s a

(covers his ears)
Small World After All’ I’m gunna need a
padded cell…where the world is small and
padded after all.

MORGAN : I know…this repetitive music is crazy. (pulls

out newspaper—-starts reading—-laughs) Bob…listen to
this. (reads aloud) An animal rights protest in
Germany went crazy today when two protesters
were objecting to the cruelty of pigs. During
the protest around two thousand pigs
escaped…stampeded and trampled the protesters
to death.

BOB : Shouldn’t laugh…but…ha ha ha. (laughs)

Incidents like these make you realise that
when your time is up…your time is up.
Sometimes you can have more than just a bad
day.

46 INT/EXT (CAR) DUSK 46

Afternoon. Four hours later. Bob and Morgan are driving back to the
hostel in Morgan’s cousin’s car. Morgan is at the wheel.

BOB : (speaks)Can I have a drive? I haven’t driven

in America yet.

MORGAN : That’s because you don’t have a license.

BOB : I’ve only got a few months to go and I can

get it back.

MORGAN : Yeh…alright. (pulls over—-swaps seats with Bob)

BOB : (drives)It’s weird driving on the wrong side

of the road isn’t it?
Cont’d
 53

Cont’d (46)

MORGAN : You don’t say that when you do it at home for

a giggle.

BOB : True. (drives about two blocks—-hears siren behind

him—-pulls over) Oh shit…can you be deported for
something like this?

OFFICER : (walks to their car—-taps the driver’s window—-makes

hand gestures to wind it down) Hello.

BOB : I bet you are going to

(winds down window—-utters)
try to sell me a ticket to the highway
patrolman’s ball.

OFFICER : What? Highway patrolmen don’t have balls.

BOB : (bursts out laughing) Oh well.

OFFICER : (hugely embarrassed—-blushes--closed his book) Sir.

(returns to his car--drives away)

47 EXT (BOULDER COLORADO) EARLY EVENING 47

Evening. One week later. Bob is standing outside a bar in a

university town buzzing with excitement. There were two nightclubs on
opposite sides of the road where so many people are floating between
the two venues that the road is closed to traffic. Bob is only 20 and
the legal drinking age is 21. He is being refused entry by a burly
Negro bouncer.

BOUNCER : You cannot enter if you are

(speaks adamantly)
under 21…you’re not in Australia now.

BOB : (responds) But I’m 22…here is my ID. (shows him

fake ID)

BOUNCER : What’s this? This isn’t valid.

BOB : This is my university ID from back home (hands

him the card)

BOUNCER : But that photo doesn’t even look like you.

BOB : I was having a bad hair day…and I was hung

over.
Cont’d
 54

Cont’d (47)

BOUNCER : But your eyes in the photo look almost Asian.

BOB : Told ya.

BOUNCER : What’s your name?

BOB : Anthony Chew

BOUNCER : A Chew?

BOB : Bless you.

BOUNCER : (calls his workmate over) Gordy. Come over here.

BOB : No…don’t worry…it’s okay…If

(fears the worst)
it’s any conciliation…I know Paul Hogan.

BOUNCER : Who’s Paul Hogan?

BOB : Crocodile Dundee…and I have kangaroos in my

back yard as pets.

BOUNCER : (signals Bob to follow him) You want proper fake

ID? Follow me.

The bouncer leads Bob around the back to his car. The bouncer opens
the boot or trunk of his sedan to unveil what looked like thousands
of confiscated drivers’ licenses neatly stacked in categories of
people characteristics.

BOB : (looks inside the boot—-sees huge number of licenses—-

speaks) This is better than Christmas…do you
have one that looks like me?

BOUNCER : Are you kidding…I have ID that looks like

Gandhi if you want it too. (fumbles through a box
of IDs with similar characteristics, age and facial
features as Bob) Here you go…you are now Tom
Tomlinson.

BOB : Thanks…thank you so

(points to his new ID)
much…it looks just like me. Awesome. (pays the
bouncer) I am now legal in the US. (goes inside
the nightclub with Morgan)

They have a few drinks in the very crowded bar which is populated
with university students of mixed race. Morgan leaves after a few
drinks. Bob remains and over the next few hours introduces himself to
everyone in both nightclubs. They all buy him drinks. The clubs
finally call last drinks at an early hour of the morning.
 55

48 EXT (BOULDER COLARADO) 3 AM 48

3 am. 10 minutes later. Bob is standing outside a bar and is very

drunk. He looks for a taxi but there are none around. He needs to get
back to his friend Rebecca’s house, where he is staying.

BOB : How the hell am I gunna back to

(to himself)
Rebecca’s? I can’t even remember where she
lives. All I remember is that there was a
shopping mall…and the place sounds like
‘table table’. (starts walking)

MAN : (inquires of Bob) You okay? Do you know where

you are going?

BOB : I’ve got to get to table

(sways—speaks)
something. Table table.

MAN : You mean Table Mesa. That’s on the east side

of town…just follow the sun dude.

BOB : Thanks mate. (starts walking)

Bob walks a few blocks. He notices an unchained bicycle in the front

yard of someone’s house.

BOB : (takes a pen and paper from his pocket-—writes note)

Sorry for taking your bike. I will return it
tomorrow. I’ve written down your address. I
am very drunk, and don’t know where I am
going, but I need your bicycle to get there.
It’s a funny old world. (gets on bike--rides off--
falls over twice within three blocks)

Bob comes across a petrol station where a lady was filling.

BOB : (sees lady filling her car up with petrol-—speaks to

himself while riding) Arizona plates…must be from
out of town. (rides straight into petrol bowser-—
falls over—-gets up-—speaks) Hello…could you give
me a lift?

LADY : No way.

BOB : (pleads)I have no idea where I am but I have

to get to Table Mesa.

Reluctantly she obliges, but before they departed she removes a set
of Tennessee plates from the back and proceeded to swap them for the
Arizona ones.

Cont’d
 56

Cont’d (48)

BOB : I’m not going to be part of a statistic am

I…or part of a documentary or horror movie?

LADY : Look…if you want a lift…just get in.

BOB : (picks up the bike) But I have to take this bike

back.

LADY : Put it in the back…you can take it

(pops boot)
back tomorrow.

BOB : (puts bike in boot) Will do.

49 EXT (OUTDOOR SPA - VAIL) NIGHT 49

Night. A couple of days later. Bob, Morgan, Rebecca and her husband
Nick sit in an outdoor spa in the snow at Vail Colorado. The snow is
falling and melting just above their heads. They only have undies on
and a cocktail each.

BOB : Who
(sips drink—-looks around at friends—-speaks)
would have thought Beck…that when you started
work at the cinema in Oz that one day we
would be sitting in Vail…in an outdoor
spa…having drinks together?

BEC : I know…and since then I got married…life’s

good.

BOB : Beck…it is fantastic you got married. Your

name was Beck Bender…sounds like a porn star.
So now you have married Nick. Beck Nicholas
sounds heaps better…Talk about killing two
birds with one stone. (gets out of the spa—-takes
undies off—-runs and dives in the snow)

BEC : What are you doing?

BOB : (runs back to the spa—-dives in shivering) Doing the

hot cold thing…your turn.

Morgan, Beck and Nick do the same. They play the drinking game of
whoever can stay in the snow the longest forces the other three to
have a shot.

Cont’d
 57

Cont’d (49)

BOB : Probably wouldn’t have come to Boulder if you

didn’t live here…but gotta say…Colorado is
awesome. (looks up at the stars-—speaks) Look up.

MORGAN : (looks up at the stars) I know…freaky…the pot and

pan are upside down.

BEC : Glad you like it…what about Boulder itself?

BOB : Well…a place that’s named after a big rock

didn’t seem like the ideal destination to me.
I often wonder what the fascination is about
places in America named after rocks. There’s
Little Rock, Big Rock, Boulder, Red Rocks,
Yellowstone and the list goes on…Is America
just a place of different sized rocks of
various colours?

NICK : (interrupts) What do you do for a living

Morgan?

MORGAN : I work at the cinema with Bob…but I am

studying to be a broker.

BOB : Insane…why do they call someone who you are

supposed to trust your money with a broker?

MORGAN : Very funny…here’s one for ya Bob…you’re

flying to New York tomorrow…and I’m flying to
Winnipeg.

BOB : (interrupts) Hilarious

MORGAN : No.No.No…why would you call the place you get

on a plane a terminal? Not very comforting.

NICK : And why in the States do we call

(chimes in)
them apartments when they are together.

BOB : Nicholas Nicholas…we were destined to be

friends and have a drink together…why do men
have nipples?
 58

50 EXT (TIMES SQUARE NY) NIGHT 50

Bob is walking from Times Square NY to 103rd and Amsterdam with all
he owns on his back. He is extremely tired after the flight and lack
of sleep. There is much bustle. He buys 2 burgers and walks 10 blocks
or so before he is confronted by two scruffy Negro men in tracksuits.

MAN 1 : Give me your

(pokes face in Bob’s-—whispers)
money…we have guns in our pockets.

BOB : (retorts in disbelief) You’re kidding. (steps

backwards a step)

MAN 2 : Does it look like we’re kidding? (pulls gun from

his pocket-—points it at Bob)

BOB : I’ve got a hundred bucks (unzips is backpack—-

reaches for his wallet)

MAN 1 : And your other burger.

BOB : No way…you can have my money but not my

burger…Don’t know me very well do you?

At that very moment a police car drives past them. The police see
what is going. The siren sounds briefly and the doors of the police
car swing open as the officers jump out. The two assailants run away
with Bob’s money.

OFFICER : (asks Bob directly) You okay?

BOB : (begins eating his second burger) Yeh.

OFFICER : Get in…we’ll go to the station

(points to car)
and fill out a report.

BOB : Aren’t you gunna chase them?

OFFICER : No point…Like trying to find a hooker in a

red light district.

BOB : Speaking of Amsterdam…I’m going there soon.

(gets in car-—they begin driving back to station)

OFFICER : (has conversation with his partner-—laughs throughout)

Say knock knock.

OFFICER2 : Knock knock.

OFFICER : Who’s there?

 59

51 INT (POLICE STATION – BRONX- 1991) NIGHT 51

Night. One hour later. Bob is looking through folder after folder of
mug shots of negro suspects.

BOB : (looks through mug shots-—speaks) This is

ridiculous.

OFFICER : Do you want to get in the squad

(closes folder)
car and go looking through the Bronx for
them?

BOB : And look for two black men in

(raises eyebrows)
the Bronx? Why not…love to see if what you
see in the movies is for real…Can I use your
phone first please.

OFFICER : (brings Bob a phone) Here you go.

BOB : (opens wallet—-takes out a piece of paper with a phone

number on it-—dials the phone number)

PHONE : (voice through the phone says) Hello…Easy Travel

Insurance.

BOB : Hello…yes…I’ve
(speaks to the person on the line)
just been rolled for my money and they have
taken my camera too.

PHONE : How much money did they take and do you have
receipt for the camera they stole?

BOB : They got four hundred American dollars and

yes I do. (finishes conversation—-puts paper back in
his wallet—-speaks) Okay officers…lets
go…apparently I need a report number too.

52 INT (TRAIN – NY TO NEW ORLEANS) DAY 52

Day. A day later. Bob is on a train on his way to New Orleans. The
carriage is full of travellers, largely of Negro decent on their way
home down south. Bob is sitting next to a caucasian male named Curtly
who is about forty years of age. He is travelling with his daughter.

BOB : (talks to the man next to him) Curtly…I’m getting

a headache.

Cont’d
 60

Cont’d (52)

CURTLY : Don’t know about a headache…but I’m getting

tired.

BOB : Want a drink?

CURTLY : Not yet thanks…soon.

One by one the passengers in the carriage begin to fall asleep. Bob
becomes sleepy too. He fears there is something wrong as the train
crosses into Alabama.

BOB : Now I feel sleepy…and still have a

headache…actually I am finding it difficult
to stay conscious at all. (gets up—-calls for a
conductor)

COND’R : (comes over—-inquires) Yes sir?

BOB : I think there is a problem with the

ventilation in this carriage.

COND’R : What makes you think that?

BOB : Well…it began with a headache…then I felt

nauseous…and now I am finding it difficult to
stay conscious.

COND’R : Sure it’s not just you?

BOB : Yes I’m sure it’s not just me…Try and wake
some of these people…they might be dead.

COND’R : (tries waking passengers—-they don’t stir) Wake

up…sir…ma’am…wake up.

BOB : (looks at sleeping passengers’ chests rising and

falling as they breath) Dead?

COND’R : (takes his attention from Bob to the communication

microphone to the driver) We are going to have
to
make an emergency stop at Tuscaloosa…I think
some passengers in carriage 8 have carbon
monoxide poisoning.

The train comes to a halt at Tuscaloosa and carriage 8 is evacuated.

Cont’d
 61

Cont’d (52)

CURTLY : When we get back on…come to the dining

carriage and we’ll have a game of chess.

The passengers are revived and given water. The passengers get back
on and are dispersed throughout other carriages in the train. Bob
gets on and finds himself in a very dimly lit dining car that is not
set up to serve dinner. In one corner sit five large Negro men
laughing, smoking and drinking.

NEGRO 1 : (addresses Bob half asking/half demanding) Hey…take

puff on this mother.

BOB : (sheepishly but keenly replies) You won’t need to

ask me twice. (walks over) That is the biggest
joint I have ever seen. (takes a few drags)

NEGRO 2 : Yo man…You could be the whitest man around.

BOB : How come you guys are allowed to be in here?

NEGRO 3 : We are Bobby Brown’s road crew.

BOB : Is that strong

(in a trance like state-—speaks)
stuff or is it the mixture of pot and carbon
monoxide poisoning making me think that you
said that you are Bobby Brown’s road crew?

NEGRO 2 : Have another puff. (hands joint to Bob)

BOB : (puffs-—blows smoke-—speaks) I bet you all have

handguns.

Without hesitation all members pull out guns from their jackets and
placed them on the table. It was this scene which confronted Bobby
Brown himself as he sauntered into the carriage.

BOBBY B : Give me a puff. Who are you little dude?

BOB : Bob…my name’s Bob…Where’s Whitney?

NEGRO 1 : He’s alright Bobby…this dude’s alright.

BOBBY B : Imagine a conductor came in now.

BOB : You’d certainly make the news again.

Then, at that very moment a conductor walked into the carriage to be

confronted by numerous guns sprawled out on the table, five huge
Negros laughing hysterically, Bobby Brown with a what-the-hell look
on his face and Bob aghast snickering holding a huge joint each. The
conductor ponders the situation--says nothing and departs as quickly
as he entered. Everyone laughed even harder.
 62

53 INT/EXT (MARDI GRAS NEW ORLEANS) NIGHT 53

Night. Next day. Bob is walking along Bourbon St. in New Orleans. It
is Mardi Gras and the streets are full of cheer, excitement and
overcrowded dancing and party people. Bob gets off of a streetcar
named ‘Desire’ and blends into the partying crowd. He walks out of
the crowd and into a T-shirt shop.

BOB : (stands in queue—-waits—-talks to person in front)

What are we are actually queuing up for?

MAN : (replies) Whippets.

BOB : Dogs?

MAN : No. Whippets.

BOB : What are whippets?

MAN : Nitrous bulbs…well really nitrous filled

balloons.

BOB : I don’t want to carry around a balloon.

MAN : No. You inhale them.

BOB : (excited) What does it do to you?

MAN : You’ll see.

BOB : (watches the people in front inhaling their balloons’

contents with multiple small puffs) Righto.

STAFF : (looks at Bob who is next in line) Five dollars

please.

BOB : (hands over $5 note—-takes balloon apparatus—-inhales

entire contents with one puff) Whoa!

STAFF : (announces in a thick southern accent with shocked

expression) Y’all must be Australian.

BOB : It’s not every day you

(speaks in a jumbled voice)
learn a new word…and it’s not every day you
get to inhale one…I will try another one
please.

STAFF : (announces again) Y’all definitely must be

Australian.
 63

54 EXT (MARDI GRAS NEW ORLEANS) DAY 54

Day. Early next morning. Bob is walking along the highway on his way
home. He realises that he has spent all the money he has taken out
from the hostel where his money and possessions are and that he needs
more money. He begins to hitch back.

BOB : (walks in to a shop to grab a marker and paper to

flag his destination to oncoming traffic—-notices a
police speed radar just up the road—asks for pen and
paper) I need to get back to my hostel…could
I use a marker and some paper please?

MAN : (hands over pen and a sheet of paper) Here you go.

BOB : (devising a new strategy) Could I have two sheets

of paper please?

BOB : (writes on first sheet of paper) Speed camera

ahead! (pins it to a tree by the side of the highway
before the radar so that oncoming traffic can see it-
-walks up the road past the radar and displayed
another written notice) Donations.

CAR 1 : (places money in Bob’s hat) Thanks buddy.

BOB : (reclines against a tree collecting money—says to

himself) That’s enough for ten more hurricanes
and a taxi home. Let’s party. I think I
might go to Europe tomorrow.

Bob gets up, dips his hand into his pocket to retrieve some phone
numbers on a piece of paper. Walks to a phone booth, puts some coins
in and calls an overseas number.

BOB : Pog? How’s it going mate?

(talks into phone)
Morgan and I are coming to Europe tomorrow.
Where are you?

Pog : (excited--answers) Just got to Vienna.

Bob : Excellent. I always wanted to see where

Mozart was buried… See you at the cemetery
tomorrow at 4pm… Book two extras in the
hostel you are staying at will ya?

Pog : (hangs up) Sure will. Catch ya.

Bob : (puts more coins in the phone—dials another number)

Morgan. We are going to Europe tomorrow,
call American Airlines.
 64

55 EXT (VIENNA CEMETERY) DUSK 55

Dusk. Bob, Morgan and Pog are standing at the gates of the huge
Zentralfriedhof cemetery in Vienna, keen to see the actual grave of
Mozart. They approach the office to find out where he is actually
buried. The sun is setting fast, the cemetery is huge, in fact so
huge that once inside it easy to get lost and impossible to see its
extremities even in the daytime. Two men sit in the tiny office near
one of the many entrances to the cemetery drinking white spirits and
are very inebriated.

BOB : (approaches men…questions) Having a good time?

MAN 1 : (answers with drunken Austrian--English accent) Had

good time…on downhill ride.

POG : Could you tell us where Mozart is

(questions)
buried please?

MAN 2 : (laughs) Take them to see musician.

MAN 1 : (gets up--grabs a bicycle--points towards cemetery--

motions) Follow.

Man 1 begins pedalling into the cemetery swerving all over the place
waving his arm for the three to follow him. Pog, Bob and Morgan trot
behind him as he increases his pace. As he reaches the centre of the
cemetery, the night has closed in and it is almost dark. He speeds up
so they cannot keep up anymore. He laughs hysterically).

MAN 1 : (rides off) Musician in here somewhere.

ALL : (yell) Come back.

The three get lost and take a long time to find their way out of the
cemetery. It is completely dark. As they are leaving they find 2
graffiti signposts.

POG : (reads sign 1—-cranky) Mozart is not buried in this

cemetery you idiots. He is 3 miles up the
road. Do not doubt me…he really is.

BOB : We recommend you take the

(reads signpost 2)
train at Simmering Ostbahn…but before you do
buy some beer at the shop next to it.

MORGAN : (states) Ahhh…it’s a funny old world.

 65

56 EXT (PARK OUTSIDE HOSTEL VIENNA) NIGHT 56

Night. Pog, Bob and Morgan sit in a little park near the hostel at
which they are staying. The night is cold and dark, but they do not
feel the cold as they consume their beers.

BOB : Can you believe we went to

(sips beer--speaks)
the wrong grave? ‘Let’s Go’ says that he is
buried there but after speaking to the guy in
the liquor store we know that isn’t
true…Nothing surprises me anymore…what a
great marketing campaign…putting fake graves
of famous people in different areas of the
city.

POG : (replies) Yeh… but pretty cool adventure now we

MORGAN : Do you know what the time is? We have missed

curfew.

BOB : Drink up…we should get some sort of sleep.

POG : (gets up—-walks towards hostel) Let’s go.

Night. 2am—past curfew. All the windows are closed in the hostel. It
is snowing and very cold. There is not one light on in any dorm
within. Pog, Bob and Morgan are quite drunk.

BOB : (knocks on door—-speaks) Hello…we’re freezing…let

us in!

POG/MORGAN: (shout) Let us in!

HOSTEL MAN: (opens window on ground floor—-half asleep—-yells)

Bloody Australians! Always causing trouble.

MORGAN : (yells back) Take it easy!

HOSTEL MAN: (asks arrogantly) Take what easy? Do you know

who I am?

BOB : (responds sarcastically yelling) Does anyone know

who this man is? What is it with
Vienna…people claim to have one dead guy
buried everywhere and some don’t even know
who the hell they are?

HOSTEL MAN: (interjects) One thing I do know is that you

lot are not getting in.
 66

57 INT (AIRPORT – AMSTERDAM-1992) DAY 57

Day. A week later. Bob and Morgan proceed through check in at

Schiphol after which they sit in the international departures
terminal drinking with a dumb blonde lady.

CUSTOMS : (glares at Bob--asks) Has anyone put anything in

your luggage that you are unaware of?

BOB : (rolls eyes--replies) If it was without my

knowledge how would I know?

CUSTOMS : (asks persistently) I mean do you have any white

substances to declare?

BOB : (responds) No…good crack isn’t white these

days.

CUSTOMS : (states) Through you go…Next…Passport.

MORGAN : (walks up to counter--repeats sarcastically) If I had

anything without my knowledge…how would I
know? Did you know that good crack isn’t
white these days?

CUSTOMS : (stands--summons officers) Take this guy out the

back you a thorough search…if you know what I
mean.

Two minutes later. As Bob finishes reorganising his backpack ready to

have a drink before the flight he peaks a look into the room they had
taken Morgan who is half naked with a fat old guy looking up his butt
with a torch.

MORGAN : Find something?

(moans--says with embarrassment)
Don’t worry I will feel it if you plant
anything.

10 minutes later. International departures lounge. Morgan and Bob

talk to the dumb blonde lady, who is also waiting for her plane to
Thailand.

BOB : If Thailand is about

(pronounces as he sips beer)
seven hours behind Holland…so when we get
there it will be about the same time as we
left.

BLONDE : (asks)How is it possible that we can arrive

at the same time as we left?

Cont’d
 67

Cont’d (57)

BOB : (retorts)Look…Don’t worry about it…it’s just

because the plane goes so fast.

BLONDE : (asks)I’ve got a window seat…do you want to

swap? (gets up—-states emphatically) If we are
going that fast I don’t want my hair to get
messed up.

BOB : (wonders to himself) Why do they sterilise the

needle before a lethal injection? Why hasn’t this lady
received one? Would the I.Q of the world go up if they
did?

58 INT (PUB) LATE AFTERNOON 58

Afternoon. A few months after robbery. Todd is having a beer with a

well-known local guy, Darren, who has called him over to warn him of
a serious incident that may occur based on information he has
received. The pub is traditional, worn down and scattered with some
shady characters.

DARREN : (calls Todd over silently with his index finger--offers

Todd a seat--whispers) You’re parents are due for
a bout of lead poisoning?

TODD : (shifts slightly in his seat--asks) What do you

mean?

DARREN : (continues) Apparently they ordered a night-

time buggery…some big boys lost lots of cash
and have ordered the hit.

TODD : (nervously questions) Are you serious? Who?

DARREN : (informs) The Abbouds.

TODD : (asks)But that can’t be right…they didn’t rob

the Abbouds…who told you that? They wouldn’t
have personally done the job.

DARREN : (replies)Doesn’t matter how I know but they

didn’t hit the Abbouds, but they took some
shit from a local dealer who was holding for
the Abbouds…and if they find the fuck that
did it, he’s fucked…there were two.

TODD : (answers) Shit…I’ve gotta go mate…thanks for

the tip.
 68

59 EXT (OUTSIDE CRUICKSHANK’S HOUSE) NIGHT 59

Night. One hour later. Todd turns up at his parent’s house who he
hasn’t seen since he walked out. It is drizzling with rain and when
Todd arrives by running up the street he stops behind parked cars,
out of view, when he sees two thugs on his parents doorstep.

TODD : (looks towards his parents house—-rain intensifies—

thinks to himself, whispers quietly) Should I have
done this?

THUGS : (knock on door—-remove pistols from back of jeans--

speak) Hello?

BRETT : (opens door--questions) Who are you?

THUG1 : Just stay calm…call

(retorts—-points gun at Brett)
your wife…nice and easy…NOW.

BRETT : (calls) Sharon…come here.

SHARON : (arrives at door entry—-asks) What do you want?

THUG2 : You have taken from the

(speaks matter-of-factly)
Abbouds…it is not much to him but it cannot
go unpunished . . .

BRETT : (interrupts) The Abbouds? We haven . . .

THUGS : (shoot dead Brett and Sharon—-turn and walk away—-

mention to each other) I don’t reckon it was
them…orders are orders.

TODD : (continues to look on—-dives to the ground not to be

seen—-under his breath) Forward.

60 INT (LEAGUES CLUB) AFTERNOON 60

Afternoon. One year later. Bob is having an interview for employment

is a very plush football club. There are poker/slot machines in most
of the room and an extravagant light display. People are gambling and
concentrating as they lose their money.

MANAGER : (offers Bob a seat--inquires in formal interview

fashion) What do you think about the
hospitality industry?

Cont’d
 69

Cont’d (60)

BOB : I have a
(shifts slightly in his seat--speaks)
dilemma, after working in the hospitality
industry for just a short time…Is hospitality
meant to mean that one has to be hospitable
to people does working in the industry cause
you to end up in hospital? I could have ended
up in hospital on numerous occasions, and so,
I acknowledge that hospitality really should
mean that those working in the industry will
one day end up in hospital if they continued
to do so…After all, if it really meant that
one had to be hospitable it would be called
the hospitablality industry.

MANAGER : (answers)Never thought of it like that…When

can you start?

BOB : Most of my money I have earned

(replies calmly)
has been both literally, and metaphorically,
pissed up a wall.

MANAGER : (sighs) Hmmm

BOB : I couldn’t count on two sets of

(continues)
hands how many times I have been caught
urinating on a wall in the street…I still
haven’t mastered the art of completing my
full name legibly.

MANAGER : (continues with the formalities of acquiring a new

staff member) Could you write you name, address
and bank account details for me please?

BOB : (laughs)Are you kidding? How many beers would

I have to drink to do that? Sometimes it’s
hard to even write Bob? How am I going to
write all of that…and besides I think I
would upset some patrons.

MANAGER : (pulls out a pen and paper and says) No…sign here.

BOB : (asks)Just a ballpark figure, but how much

will I be earning each week and could you
divide that by $3.60 please.

MANAGER : (perplexed) What for?

BOB : I want to see how many

(grins and replies)
schooners I can afford each week.
 70

61 INT (PUB NEAR THE BEACH) NIGHT 61

Night. One month later. Bob is drinking beers with some mates—in
particular Pirate and Trolley. There is a pool table in one corner of
the pub, smoke in the air and lots of people laughing. The pub is not
trashy, but a bit run down.

PIRATE : (spurts) Man’s not a camel…Get me a drink

Bobbin.

BOB : Same again? Hey…it’s not my

(rhetorically asks)
shout…it’s your shout Trolley.

PIRATE : I have always meant to ask,

(questions Trolley)
but how did you get your nickname Trolley?

TROLLEY : (replies)Well Pirate…I used to lick my lips

like Oliver Hardy…so that became Olly…I that
progressed to Trolley because I am always
off of mine.

PIRATE : (chuckles—-lifts his eye patch and croaks a question)

Aaarrhh…and how did I get mine.

BOB : First game of touch

(changes subject—-says)
footy tomorrow…Brilliant name you came up
with Pirate.

PIRATE : Ah yes…The Beer

(chuckles--continues)
Monks…drinking beer for inner peace.

Bob : I wonder if we will

(changes the subject--speaks)
win tomorrow…are you going to stem a keg
tomorrow Pirate? If we make olive oil out of
olives and coconut oil from coconuts…I
wonder how many babies go into making a
bottle of baby oil.

62 EXT (PARK) DAY 62

Day. Next day. The team, called the Beer Monks are dressed in T-
shirts with emblems of a monk in the lotus position, levitating, with
writing saying ‘Beer Monks-Drinking Beer for Inner Peace. Over the T-
shirts are monks’ hoods and garb. They have a keg on the sideline
which has a cue longer than the line to sign on for the game.

Cont’d
 71

Cont’d (62)

PIRATE : (assembles and checks a portable keg apparatus--

spurts) Perfect…this beer is coming out at two
degrees.

BOB : (speaks will taking a sip) These beers are going

down like wildfire.

TINNY : Guys…just make sure you don’t drink

(exclaims)
too much…we have the ‘Bad Girls’ function
tonight.

PIRATE : (pleads)Yeh no staffies tonight…Remember I am

the newly appointed stock controller.

ALL : (yells) No worries libation manager.

Day. Forty minutes later. The team come off the field after a
shocking loss. They pick up the keg and put it in the back of a mini-
van. They all climb in the back with their cups and monks outfits
still on. They drive to the club to begin work.

BOB : (inebriated—-slurs) No worries libation

manager.

63 INT (LARGE FUNCTION ROOM – LEAGUES CLUB) NIGHT 63

Night. One hour later. Staff are dressed in their work uniforms of
waistcoats and long pants with a bowtie. They are already slightly
drunk. As staff begin taking orders they come up to Bob who is behind
the bar with their trays, taking orders for tables that have arrived
early. With every order Bob places an extra glass of lemon squash for
his mates/fellow workers, which has 3 nips of vodka in each, as
refreshment.

BOB : (makes orders at the bar as requested—-prepares

staff drinks as he winks at each member that takes
one. Sips his own drink and exclaims) Get that
into you.

STAFF : (responds) Thanks Bobbin.

Pirate comes to the bar as a patron and supposed paying guest. He

places an order to Bob.

Cont’d
 72

Cont’d (63)

PIRATE : (asks pulling out his wallet—-gives Bob a fifty

dollar note) Could I have 3 schooners, two
daiquiris and 4 shots of tequila please? I
want to pay the price the drinks should be
too. (hands over a $50 note to Bob)

BOB : (takes $50 note--makes drinks—-gives $50 change to

Pirate in different notes—-speaks) That’s what
price they should be.

PIRATE : (confused—-states) Bob…I am the drink stock

controller now.

BOB : (winks—-replies) And so you should be.

The music starts as fifteen skimpily dressed, beautiful women come on

to stage to begin stripping routines. Staff get steadily drunker by
getting ‘staff drinks’ at the bar. Tinny, the manager, receives
complaints from patrons that the staff are drunker than they are. Bob
grabs a tray and joins his friends serving drinks.

TROLLEY : (mentions as he starts taking off his waistcoat) We

are a little overdressed don’t you think?

STAFF : (follows Trolley’s lead—-remove waistcoats—-begin to

dance) Sing. (climb onto tables dancing)

TINNY : (issues orders in a confused voice—-tries to sound

authoritative) Bobbin! As you are probably
responsible for this, go to the gym and
sports bar for half an hour, Marcia needs
her dinner break…All the rest of you…get
down off the tables, get dressed…stop
drinking…Trolley you serve behind the bar
while Bob is gone.

TROLLEY : (puts on his shirt and waistcoat—-speaks) No

worries Tinny.

TINNY : Look…it’s gunna be a bit hard to

(continues)
fire all 9 of you…there’s no way I would
cover all those shifts in time…but you are
all on official warnings…Ridiculous…Come on
Bob…what’s taking you so long?

BOB : Who invented

(tries to do up his buttons—-speaks)
buttons? Ridiculously hard to do up in this
frame of mind.
 73

64 INT (LEAGUES CLUB) NIGHT 64

Night. Immediately after. Bob follows Tinny through the club to the
sports bar and gym area. From the gym counter you can see the sports
bar itself, the indoor swimming pool and all the gymnasium equipment.
The football is playing on the large TV near the counter and gorgeous
lady is doing exercise on an exercise bike. Tinny leaves, and Marcia
goes on her break.

BOB : (announces to Marcia who is standing behind the gym

counter) Going on your break Marcy baby?

MARCIA : (answers as she walks off) Yep…see you soon.

TINNY : Be good Bob…I’m going

(talks as he walks off)
down to the main foyer if you need me.

BOB : (replies) All good mate.

TINNY : (utters) Later.

BOB : (walks over to the sports bar—-sees a work mate

named Winnie and requests a drink) Hey
Winnie…knock me up a Trevor will ya please.

WINNIE : (laughs)Just heard about you guys at Bad

Girls…too funny…what vodka do you want in
that?

BOB : (replies) Any…double, lemonade and dash of

soda.

WINNIE : Yeh…as if I don’t

(gives Bob his drink--says)
know what a Trevor is…Here you go…enjoy.

BOB : (thanks her as he grabs his drink and goes back to

the pool/gym counter) Thanks love.

LADY : (gasps while riding the exercise bike—sees Bob with

what looks like a lemonade) Refreshment?

BOB : It doesn’t get

(chuckles in a privileged voice)
any more refreshing than this…At the moment
I am getting paid to watch football, drink
vodka and watch a glamour work up a sweat.

LADY : If I pass
(amused—-replies while still riding)
out, come over and pull me off?

BOB : No…If I pass out could you come

(responds)
over and pull me off?
 74

65 INT (LEAGUES CLUB -1992) NIGHT 65

Night. Immediately after. Bob finishes doing Marcia’s dinner break.

He is quite drunk now. As gets to the top of the stairs down to the
foyer/main entrance he loses his footing and tumbles down the stairs,
landing at the feet of entering members.

BOB : Get out of the

(yells as he is falling)
way…ouch…get out of the way. (stands—-mutters)
You’re a big man from down there Tinny.

TINNY : Bob…You are

(looks at Bob in amazement—-speaks)
suspended for two weeks…Before you go
though, see Gina in the office…She is going
to measure you for a suit…the club wants
you to be Duty Manager when you return.

BOB : (replies) Well that was refreshing… (starts

exclaiming to members walking in) I reckon a good
poker machine promotion would be for the
Toyota Life car giveaway…we could call it
the ‘Get a Life’ promotion.

TINNY : (speaks calmly) What are you doing?

BOB : Having a jolly good time… I just

(replies)
wonder who tastes better and more improved
cat food to know that it has improved? Why
is cat food not mouse flavoured?

TINNY : Don’t forget Bobbin, we have that

(mentions)
Byron Bay trip coming up soon…Get on it!

BOB : (looks at Tinny in a comical way--states) ‘Already

am…already am.

66 INT (TODD’S FLAT - 1992) NIGHT 66

Night. One hour later. Todd enters his flat, takes off his clothes as
soon as he enters the front door and puts his wet clothes into a
garbage bag. The flat is poorly furnished with only the basic
furniture items. He rings a friend before getting in a hot shower.
Todd is obviously distressed but pretty relaxed considering he has
just witnessed his parents murder.

TODD : (rings number on phone--speaks) George?

Cont’d
 75

Cont’d (66)

GEORGE : (queries) What’s doin’ brother?

TODD : Not feelin’ the best…know

(replies--questions)
anyone who can get me a job?

GEORGE : (asks) Crooked or straight?

TODD : (states) Straight…I’m over this crap.

GEORGE : How about a trade…there’s a guy

(mentions)
looking for mechanic apprentices?

TODD : That’ll do…anything will

(replies--questions)
do…how do I get in contact with him?

GEORGE : (answers—-hangs up)Leave it with me…speak to ya

tomorrow.

67 INT (COUNTRY TOWN PUB) AFTERNOON 67

Afternoon. One week later. Bob and Pirate are in a country pub which
is quite crowded with people. It is unusually busy due it being the
week of the Arts and Crafts Festival. They walk up to the bar to
order a drink.

PIRATE : Could I have a schooner of

(asks the bartender)
beer and a keg please?

BART’R : (queries) Did you say you wanted a keg?

PIRATE : (replies) Immediately.

BOB : How are we going to

(sips his beer—-inquires)
get that back to our tent?

PIRATE : (responds) We are gunna roll it. (looks around

for his keg)

BART’R : (puts keg of beer next to them--states) Here you

go. That will be $160 please.

Cont’d
 76

Cont’d (67)

PIRATE : A man walks into a

(pays bartender—-continues)
clock shop and puts his penis on the
counter. The lady behind the counter says,
‘Sir. This is a clock shop, not a cock
shop. To this the man replies, ‘I want a
face and hands on this immediately.’

BOB : (grabs beer keg—-says to Pirate) Let’s roll.

68 EXT (ROAD TO CAMPSITE) AFTERNOON 68

Afternoon. Twenty minutes later. Bob and Pirate are rolling the beer
keg down the street with beers in hand. It is hot. They are
approaching the campsite fields which contain numerous stalls, 6000
people camping in every design of setup imaginable in a huge area of
wilderness. Night is approaching.

BOB : I wonder. If the black box on

(asks Pirate)
airplanes is indestructible, why don’t they
build the plane out of it?

PIRATE : (contemplates—-looks around at the campsite area--

states) Look at this madness.

At the outdoor camping fields there was every walk of life, every
type of band, every type of vice, flame twirlers, jugglers, witches,
Goths, grungsters, hippies, one fellow who thought he was Jesus, a
man with a lump of sponge as his bed and sole belonging, and very
little to worry about. They rolled the keg up to where their mates
were setting up a tent. The friends are Macca, Tinny, Shafty, Pirate,
Red and Bob. It begins to rain. The rain gets heavier to torrential.

RED : (sets up his tent--asks) Where’s your sleeping

bag Bobbin?

BOB : (unrolls sleeping bag--claims) This esky lid will

make a great pillow.

RED : (inquires further) What about a blanket?

BOB : (walks to Tinny’s 4WD—grabs out a boogie board--

states) Here it is.

Cont’d
 77

Cont’d (68)

PIRATE : (removes all the hoses box and equipment from the
car in a fluster--states emphatically) Let’s set
up this keg.

Pirate guides the rest into setting up their tent and keg apparatus.
The rain continues to pour. The ground around them becomes muddy and
the entire, huge campsite is now muddy. By the time the guys’ site is
set up it is dark, except for lights in campsites and the huge
lighting display in the background where a rock band begins to play
loud music.

SHAFTY : I’m not wearing this many clothes.

(suggests)
I’m stripping off (takes off his clothes down to
his board shorts)

BOB : Everyone
(looks around the entire area—-mentions)
is taking their gear off…Get a load of
this…everyone is so muddy all I can see is
teeth.

Bob and Shafty make their way over to the big top tent where the main
rock band for the evening are playing. Hundreds of people are
dancing, diving into the mud surrounding the stage and
celebrating…Shafty and Bob join in…Bob stands still and looks up at
the crowd and all he can see are white teeth because they are all
covered in mud.

SHAFTY : God I feel

(stops diving in the mud--announces)
like a cigarette…lucky I brought my packet
with me.

BOB : Good luck having a dry one in

(proclaims)
this mud and rain.

SHAFTY : (pulls out a packet of cigarettes which he has

previously gaffer taped—-opens packet and pulls out
a pure white dry cigarette--says) Aahh.
Beautiful. (pulls out a lighter which is caked
with mud—-tries to light it—-lighter fails to light)
Shit.

MAN : (man working in a kebab stall runs over and lights

up Shafty’s cigarette for him—-yells in an
Arabic/English accent) Oi have seen some weird
shit…bomb blow up in toilet and lady not
lose her arse…but this…but this takes cake.
 78

69 EXT (COUNTRY STREET) NIGHT 69

Night. Immediately after. Bob follows Shafty up the main road to the
town. They dive in large puddles between the roads to get all the mud
off themselves before going into town for a drink. All they are
wearing are board-shorts and thongs.

BOB : I wonder why

(announces to Shafty while walking)
people always contradict themselves?
Oxymorons…People say crap like a fine mess,
all natural artificial flavour, awfully
good, future history, boneless ribs,
friendly war, countless numbers, found
missing, alone together, same difference,
living dead, plastic glasses, tight slacks,
pretty ugly, working vacation, peace force
and jumbo shrimp? What is that?

SHAFTY : (stops walking and stands in a large puddle--replies

and adds) Hilarious…what’s going to be even
more hilarious is if we get served in these
pubs…we have no shoes, we are wearing
shorts, singlets…we are soaking wet with
mud still coming out of our ears, in our
undies, and in our hair.

BOB : (walks over to stand in the same puddle--says)

We’ve got Buckley’s chance of getting a
drink tonight…But this puddle may help.
(dives headlong into the puddle—-so does Shafty)

70 INT/EXT (COUNTRY PUB) NIGHT 70

Night. Immediately after. Bob and Shafty approach the bouncer at the
first pub after their walk into town, continually diving into puddles
o clean themselves. They are sure they are not going to get in.
Inside the pub music is blaring, and people are crammed in wall to
wall. It is unusually busy because the festival is in town.

BOUNCER : (looks Bob and Shafty up and down—-declares) Have a

good night boys…it’s happy hour. (bouncer
scouts area with his eyes to stop under-agers or the
‘too intoxicated)

BOB : (Shafty and Bob enter the pub after giving each
other a perplexed look of disbelief—-Bob walks up to
bar--asks) Six JD and cokes with a beer
chaser…what are you having Shafty?
Cont’d
 79

Cont’d (70)

SHAFTY : (answers) Same again

BOB : (asks Shafty as they slam down the first two of

their six JDs) Why do they put underpants on
corpses?

After about three rounds like the first one the bar starts running
out of glasses and the bartender serves up the next round in old jam
jars—-as this happens some topless waitresses come out to serve
drinks and take orders.

BOB : I
(looks around with one eyebrow raised—-questions)
wonder why topless waitresses and strippers
can’t claim breast implants as a business
expense?

SHAFTY : Let’s make like the most

(changes the subject)
used line in movies…let’s get out of here.

71 EXT (BEACH) NIGHT 71

Night. Immediately after. Bob and Shafty begin walking home. On the
way they bump into Tinny, Macca and Pirate near the beach. On the
beach there is a huge tepee where twenty or so people sit in a ring
inside relaxing and listening to spiritual music about thirty feet
from the tide. There is a lady on the beach with a basket selling
‘cookies’. The night is bright with a near-full moon

PIRATE : (sees Bob and Shafty--yells) Bob…Shafty…Where

have you guys been?

BOB : To hell and back…JD and coke in jam

(replies)
jars goes down like wildfire.

MACCA : (interrupts—-points to a lady with basket—-asks)

What’s that lady going?

All walk over to the lady.

TINNY : (points into the basket--questions the lady) What

are they?

LADY : (speaks) Cookies…If you know what I mean.

BOB : (questions) How much are they?

Cont’d
 80

Cont’d (71)

LADY : Only ten bucks.

BOB : (jumps in) I’ll have two thanks.

LADY : (replies) ‘You sure? I don’t think you need

two.

MACCA : (states) He’s quite sure…I’ll have two too.

TINNY : Me too.

PIRATE : Me three…give me two.

SHAFTY : (chimes in) Just one for me.

All eat their cookies quickly.

LADY : (looks at the guys as if they are crazy--states)

Boy are you guys in for a long night…those
aren’t normal cookies…this is unbridled
hedonism…you guys look like the cast of
Goonies who have gotten older and become
muggers.

MACCA : (swallows the last of his cookie--questions) Why? I

sleep pretty well after hash.

LADY : They aren’t laced with hash…these

(replies)
are chock-a-block full of LSD.

The guys walk along the beach until the LSD sets in. Macca goes into
a hallucinatory trance and believes he knows all the seagulls on the
beach by name and begins talking to them individually.

MACCA : There’s George…He’s a pretty

(points--says)
boy…Hey Harry…where are you going? Don’t
fly away…Cynthia…wow you would look great
with a chip…want some chips? I could buy
you some and bring them back tomorrow.

BOB : (questions) Macca? Are you for real?

PIRATE : (walks up closer to Bob--whispers in his ear) Just

play along with him.

BOB : I don’t think he needs much

(whispers back)
encouragement.

Cont’d
 81

Cont’d (71)

SHAFTY : (hears the conversation—-says to Macca)

Macca…don’t scare them or they will fly
away.

MACCA : (howls as he runs towards them) Oh no…good little

birds…don’t fly away.

The birds fly off screeching as the rest collapse on the sand
laughing in hysterics.

MACCA : (screams as he enters the water and starts swimming

after them) Come back…come to papa.

As the birds fly East Macca continues to swim after them and as he
gets further from the shore the guys begin to get worried.

GUYS : (yell worriedly) Macca…come back.

MACCA : (swimming—-yells back) No way…my babies.

The guys all leap into the surf and swim after Macca.

MACCA : (hollers) If you’re coming bring a net…let’s

get ‘em.

After they swim about 200 meters from the shore they retrieve Macca
with a struggle and bring him to shore—-they sit down momentarily to
collect their breaths—all sandy they enter the tepee dripping wet and
ruin the serene atmosphere within. They sit at scattered positions in
the ring of people.

TINNY : (laughs) What are we supposed to be thinking

about?

PERSON : (looks annoyed--complains) Ssshhhh!

SHAFTY : (retorts--laughing hysterically) Tinny…don’t you

know the tepee laws.

TINNY : (responds and laughs uncontrollably) Oh yeh. The

tepee laws.

PERSON : (replies angrily) Actually there are tepee

laws.

BOB : Ooooohh…wishes of the

(giggles)
wigwam…mandates of the meditators.

Cont’d
 82

Cont’d (71)

PERSON : (replies angrily again) Actually there are

tepee laws.

BOB : (laughs) Tenets of the tepee.

PERSON : (again)Seriously…there is a sign on the

tepee as you walk in…read it.

All the guys stand up simultaneously and walk out of the tepee to
read the sign.

SIGN : (reads) No laughing in this tepee.

They all sit down outside and laugh uncontrollably.

MACCA : (spurts) Well we’re not inside now.

PIRATE : (rubs his throat and speaks) I’m thirsty.

BOB : Well one thing I am not

(mentions)
wondering…why are we laughing so much? But
what I do wonder is why is an atheist
compelled to tell the truth in court when
he swears on the Bible.

72 INT/EXT (RACECOURSE) DAY 72

Day. A month or so later. Bob, Shafty, Trolley, Tinny, Macca and

Pirate are at the races on Melbourne Cup Day. They begin drinking in
the piano bar within the members stand area. They are all dressed in
suits and the area is very exclusive and posh. The bar is fuelled by
rich racehorse owners. Bob gets proceedings going by taking off his
tie and coat, leaving on only his dark trousers and white shirt. He
then proceeded into the bar area and pretended he was working. He
handed his friends at least five bottles of Bollinger, walked back
around the bar, put his tie and coat back on and sat down to enjoy
the fine bubbly without anyone saying a word--The female pianist
plays beautifully in the background.

PIRATE : (asks) Bob…what are you doing?

BOB : (takes off his jacket and tie to resemble a bar

worker--answers) Getting a drink.

Bob walks casually into the bar and pretends to serve drinks like the
other staff members who are properly employed. He begins handing his
friends a bottle of Bollinger each over the bar.

Cont’d
 83

Cont’d (72)

SHAFTY : (laughs) That’s nearly a Bollinger each.

PIRATE : (looks around a little worriedly--mentions)Look

guys…seriously…we are here and not using
our real names…Mr Mirt has let us use his
and his mates’ names to get in here…as far
as everyone knows, we are racehorse
owners.(stirs uncomfortably in his seat—-utters)
We really should behave.

MACCA : (chimes in) Yeh…on top of that they’ve given

us tips.

SHAFTY : (asks) Who are you? Who are you supposed to

be?

BOB : Happy Aquashack and I own

(answers laughing)
two racehorses here today.

The guys all look down at their fake name tags to reinforce the
aliases they are pretending to be.

BOB : No kidding…’Festering Carcass’ is

(continues)
my horse and it’s running in race 3.

TINNY : (looks at raceguide--explains) But it’s jumping

at 80 to 1.

BOB : Who wants to chuck in fifty bucks

(questions)
each and we’ll box trifecta the bludger?

GUYS : (answer in unison) I’m in.

PIRATE : I’ve got a tingle in my eye-patch.

(responds)
Let’s back it for a win and place as well.

BOB : Here’s another fifty…who’s going to

(answers)
the counter to put these bets on?

TROLLEY : Is this the Bollinger,

(jumps to his feet--asks)
the twenty middies of beer or divine
calling making us do this? I’ll put the bet
on.

The race runs and Festering
guys wins $4000 each. As it
member’s stand, down to the
gates, runs out and hugs it
no idea who he is.
Carcass comes in first place. Each of the
crosses the line, Bob sprints out of the
track and as the horse comes through the
around the neck. Of course the jockey has
Cont’d
 84

Cont’d (72)

JOCKEY : (looks down at Bob while still on twinning horse--

asks—-shocked) Who are you?

BOB : (exclaims) I own this puppy and I am rich.

Bob runs back to the member’s stand to collect his winnings.

Back in the members’ bar Bob gets congratulated by other horse
owners.

OWNER 1 : (questions Bob) What’s your secret buddy?

BOB : (confesses) It’s been a hard road…but I

always had faith in this horse…He’s got a
huge heart and he’s very strong (looks around
the members bar—-announces) Does anyone want to
buy him?

OWNER 2 : (asks) How much?

BOB : (replies) Just buy me a beer and it’s yours.

TROLLEY : (swats his hands at a fly frantically--interrupts)

Can’t believe there are flies in here.

OWNER 3 : (adds) Don’t get me started on flies. (pauses—

grabs Trolley’s bottle of Bollinger—-takes a sip—-
continues) This health inspector was at my
farm a while back…and he had the gall to
tell me that I had too many flies.

TINNY : (queries) What? What did you say to that?

OWNER 3 : I just asked him, ‘How many flies

(continues)
am I allowed to have?

Without warning Trolley, picks up a bottle of Bollinger and begins

guzzling it down--the female pianist is still playing immaculately--
When finished, he slams down the bottle on the table, stands up and
vomits all over the table and expensive leather seating. The pianist
sees this--stands up and vomits all over the beautiful ebony grand
piano, with liquid seeping between the ivory—-The guys each grab
their bottle of Bollinger, their winnings and run from the premises.

MACCA : (yells out as he runs past a group of posh people) I

love the races.
 85

73 INT (TAXI) AFTERNOON 73

Afternoon. An hour later. Bob and Trolley are in a taxi and sit in
the back seat. Without the taxi driver knowing, they remove the
headrest from the passenger’s seat.

DRIVER : (notices what’s happening--yells) What the hell

are you doing?

TROLLEY : (answers) Resting.

Bob throws a $100 note to the driver as they exit the cab and run
down the street in a very drunk manner carrying the headrest.

74 INT (BOB’S BEDROOM) MORNING 74

Morning. Next day. Bob wakes up. He is still wearing his suit with
money coming out of every pocket. He is clutching the headrest like a
security blanket.

BOB : Resting…ah…I wonder… Why is it

(to himself)
when we talk to God we are praying, but
when God talks to us we are put into the
loony bin?

GOD : (a voice bellows from above) I don’t know.

75 INT (LEAGUES CLUB - 1994) MORNING 75

Morning. A year and a half later. Bob and some of the guys open up
their group certificates or financial year statements and are
horrified at the amount they have been taxed and how much tax they
owe. They have been drinking all night after beginning straight after
they finished work the night before. They are chatting about how they
have to lodge their tax returns for that year.

BOB : (gets up—-walks a short distance to the bar—picks up

a beer--exclaims) This is ridiculous…By my
calculations I owe $811.20 this year…Not
happy chappies.

Cont’d
 86

Cont’d (75)

MACCA : Well you are not going to like

(iterates)
this buddy.

BOB : What?

Macca grabs the daily paper and reads aloud an article regarding
government expenditure.

MACCA : (shakes the paper to straightness--reads aloud)

There has been a leak today that the
Federal Government has allegedly purchased
280 toilet seats for parliament to satisfy
their cabinet members. The seats are
wooden, made of expensive oak and are
heated…they are each valued at $400.

BOB : (cries) You have got to be joking.

Bob jumps to his feet, runs down to the cellar, gets a screwdriver
and proceeds into the toilets where he unscrews two seats—-he then
proceeds back to the area where his mates are drinking and wraps them
in butcher paper—-he then writes a letter to the tax office.

BOB : (grabs a pen from Marcia at the bar--reads aloud as

he writes) Enclosed is my tax return and
payment. Please take note of the attached
article from today’s newspaper…The article
states that our government has paid $400
per toilet seat…Please find enclosed two
toilet seats that have a combined value of
$800… Also note the $11.20 that I have
enclosed in cash and noted on my
return…I’ve really loved paying my tax this
year, and I look forward to paying it in
the future…Yours sincerely, a truly happy
taxpayer. (takes a sip of beer)

76 INT (LEAGUES CLUB - 1997) EVENING 76

Morning. Two years later. Bob is on the ground floor, waiting for the
elevator. When the doors open, a new staff member is standing inside
the elevator on her way up to start her first shift. Her name is
Threada. She has red-brown hair with a smile on her face.

BOB : (asks)Where are you going? Do you want to

marry me?
Cont’d
 87

Cont’d (76)

THREADA : (pushes the button inside the elevator--replies)

Up…okay…I think it’s gunna rain.

BOB : What do you mean you think it’s

(fires back)
gunna rain? I just walked in…it’s bloody
pouring.

THREADA : We’ve still got

(elevator jerks upwards--asks)
ten minutes before we start work…let’s go
have a look.

BOB : Let’s go up to the small banquet room…you

can get a good view from up there.

Threada and Bob take the lift to the top floor—-get out--go to the
window in the banquet room and look out. This particular room has
windows as walls along three out of the four walls. There are
scattered unmade tables and large piles of chairs stacked in corners
of the room. The rain is absolutely bucketing down…A loud roar can be
heard approaching them from outside. Threada and Bob look at each
other in amazement.

BOB : (looks perplexed at Threada--yells) Can you hear

that?

THREADA : (answers loudly) Yep…what the hell is it?

BOB : At least when we tell the boss that

(screams)
the reason we are gunna be late for the
shift is that we have been abducted by
aliens…we won’t be lying.

They look out of the window at a huge grey mass as it looms--the

clamour becomes louder and almost unbearable--it begins hailing the
size of tennis balls. They have to yell to hear each other.

BOB : (screeches) This is crazy.

THREADA : (shuffles closer to Bob to hear him--asks) What?

I’m not lazy.

BOB : (replies) No…this is zany.

THREADA : (asks again) You think I’m brainy?

While Threada and Bob are yelling nonsense at each other they fail to
notice that large balls of hail have been rolling off the roof next
to the leagues club and smashed through the large window on the north
wall which has allowed huge numbers of large hail stones to fill the
entire floor of the function room.
Cont’d
 88

Cont’d (76)

The noise of the falling hail stones means that the couple had not
heard the window breaking nor the room filling up with ice. Bob looks
around to see the floor covered in ice and broken glass.

BOB : (exclaims) Holy albino shit!

THREADA : (gets up—-grabs a large ball of hail—takes a bite—-

replies) I am not a nit wit.

BOB : I am ringing the bureau of

(screeches)
meteorology.

THREADA : The bureau of meteorology is

(replies)
actually in this part of the city.

Bob rings the bureau of meteorology using the phone on the wall. As
he is dialling the radio can be heard again because the hail has
stopped. It is still raining torrentially.

RADIO : And now for today’s

(radio announcer announces)
weather…We are in for a sunny day with zero
chance of rain. The day will be fine and
also be fine.

BOB : (turns the volume up a little--states when the phone

is answered) Zero chance of rain? How can you
broadcast that there is zero chance of
rain?

BUREAU : (responds) Because our weather maps, on our

very state-of-the-art computer system tell
us that it is not going to rain.

BOB : How
(covers phone with one hand—talks to Threada)
much for jousting sticks? Tell them they’re
dreaming.
BOB : (readdresses the man on the phone) Did you know
it’s been raining all day? Why don’t you
poke your head out the window and have a
look?

BUREAU : No I didn’t realise…I’m not poking

(answers)
my head out the window to have a look
though.

BOB : (sighs--asks) Why?

Cont’d
 89

Cont’d (76)

BUREAU : Because we don’t have windows in

(responds)
the weather department.

BOB : (whines)How dare they not have windows? The

weather is a lie to make up five minutes of
the news…You couldn’t tell us that hail
stones the size of tennis balls are
coming…or that there is going to be a
tsunami…You just announced that there was
zero chance of rain when it was pouring…and
you reckon you have the right to predict
rain a month into the future…Why can they
tell you how much water there is on Mars,
yet can’t determine how much is in a cloud?

77 INT (BOB & TRUDLES’ FLAT) EVENING 77

Evening. A few weeks later. Bob, Threada, Trudles and Jeff are
playing a game of beer chess in Bob and Trudles’ flat. They are
playing teams. Jeff is Trudle’s boyfriend and they are chess
partners. Bob sits next to Threada, his partner. Each piece on the
chessboard they move, that player has to take a sip and if a piece
gets taken that piece has to be consumed in full by their opponents.
They are towards the end of the game and so all are very drunk. They
plan to go to the pub after the game which is ten door up the street
from their unit. Beside the table are scattered empty beer bottles
and an ashtray full of cigarette buts.

TRUDLES : (moves a bishop--states) Meck Chate.

THREADA : (asks) What?

JEFFRO : (states again) That’s check mate.

BOB : Is that checkmate or are you

(questions)
telling me that’s check mate.

TRUDLES : Take a sip

(has a puff of her cigarette--says)
from your king…the game is nearly
over…let’s get dressed and go to the
pub…any wonders Bob?

Cont’d
 90

Cont’d (77)

BOB : I wonder what I am going to wear…I

(retorts)
know which saucepan I am going to use as a
hat…Why is it, whether you sit up or sit
down, that the result is the same?

JEFFRO : Gotta go the whole

(dresses—-says)
hog…skirts…bra on the outside…odd shoes…I
am wearing a wine cask box as a hat.

THREADA : Speak for

(begins dressing and stops--adds)
yourself…we girls are dressed just fine as
we are…and we’re gunna kick your buts in
pool.

BOB : Threada…could you

(puts on a saucepan hat--asks)
set the alarm clock please? Just in case we
are not able to do so later.

Threada sets the clock as Bob and Jeffro get dressed in the weirdest
outfits imaginable. When this is done they walk out of their front
door and up the street to the pub. All passers-by look at them in a
mixture of horror and humour.

78 INT/EXT (PUB) EVENING 78

Evening. A few minutes later. Bob, Threada, Trudles and Jeffro are
playing a game of pool in the pub. They are dressed in the most
ridiculous mismatch of clothes imaginable, including clothes inside
out, undies on the outside, saucepans as hats, eye patches, wine cask
hats etc. They play a game or two of pool and then begin a game for a
bet. The pub is quite full with people, all of which show mixed
emotions to how the group is dressed.

TRUDLES : (picks up a beer without taking a drink--states to

opposition) If we win you take your clothes
off…if you win Bob and Jeffro will take
their clothes off. (takes a sip of beer)

THREADA : (asks)Hang on…who’s playing? I’ll take my

clothes off…I mean…I wanna play.

BOB : Okay…Threada and I.

(points at Threada--replies)
Whoever wins…no no no…instead of whoever
wins takes it all, whoever loses takes it
all off.
Cont’d
 91

Cont’d (78)

THREADA : (finishes beer) Sold…let’s do it.

OPPONENT : (stands—grabs cue—says) Let’s do it then.

TRUDLES : (sits on bar stool--asks) You up for this Bob?

JEFFRO : (chimes in) Yeh…you up for this Bob?

BOB : You kidding? I’ve hit

(grabs a cue--responds)
my beer optimum…I’m ready…As an optional
extra if we lose Jeffro will take his gear
off as well.

JEFFRO : (smiles--says) Why not…I was gunna anyway.

Second shot into the game, Threada sinks the black and they lose the
game. Bob starts taking his clothes of immediately, starting with the
wine cask hat until he is completely naked. Jeffro rips off his wine
cask bag balaclava and follows suit. The crowd in the pub goes wild
clapping and yelling.

BOB : Got a bit lost in

(shivers a little--states)
that game…I wonder if the Bulldogs won
tonight.

THREADA : (utters) I’m not doing this.

BOB : (asks) Trudles…grab my gear would ya?

They exit the pub calmly. On their walk home, Bob sees a well-to-do
lady sitting in her swanky Mercedes convertible, waiting for someone
to come out of a takeaway shop. Bob, Jeffro are rolling a keg of beer
home that they just purchased. They are naked. Bob opens the
passenger’s door and begins to sit in the front seat fully naked.

BOB : (questions) Why aren’t you listening to the

football?

LADY : (yells) What the hell?

BOB : (begins to turn the tuning knob on the radio--asks)

I just want to know if the Bulldogs won
tonight.

Bob begins to change the channel on the lady’s radio. She is quite
taken aback, unsure whether to flee her $100,000 car, scream in sheer
horror, or change the station back to the orchestral she was
listening too. When Bob finds out the score, he opens the door and
exits the car as casually as he entered.

Cont’d
 92

Cont’d (78)

LADY : (says) Bye-bye. It’s a funny old world.

BOB : (whispers) IFOW!! (looks up the street two see

Threada walking with Trudles and Jeffro…yells out
to Threada) Make sure you set the clock…7am
for work.

THREADA : (replies) No worries.

79 INT (BOB’s BEDROOM) MORNING 79

Mid-Morning. Next day. Bob and Threada are lying in bed still asleep
when a loud motorbike drives past their unit making such a loud noise
it wakes Bob.

BOB : (opens eyes to look at a very bright sunny room--

yells) No worries? (looks at alarm clock—-reads
10.30am—-screams) Threada…did you set the
clock? (shakes Threada maniacally…yells again)
Did you set the clock?

THREADA : (opens eyes--replies) Yes…I did set it…seven

o’clock.

BOB : My arse you set it! (presses button on clock to

see that the little red dot that was meant to be on
AM was on PM—-says to Threada) Well…you did
better than I could…least you got the time
right, but that little red dot being one
centimetre out of place makes a twelve
hour difference. (checks the message on his
phone—-continues) and a lifetime change…I’ve
been fired.

THREADA : Awesome…now get some sleep.

BOB : (sits up…says) Let’s go away for the weekend.

 93

80 INT (MECHANIC - 1997) DAY 80

Day. Same week. Todd is working as an apprentice mechanic. Besides

Todd there are two other fully qualified mechanics working at a
typical car repair operation in suburbia. He is learning how to
change a starter motor and talking to Arnold who is instructing him.
He is a year into his apprenticeship. He is wearing blue overalls and
has greasy hands.

TODD : (speaks)I can’t seem to get at it…we are going

to have to put it on the locks.

ARNOLD : (lowers hoist…replies) Yeh I reckon you’re right.

TODD : (mentions) Geez…I am not feeling the best.

ARNOLD : (asks) Why…what’s up.

TODD : (answers)I’ve just been tired lately…my pee

has been all fucked up and I have pain around
my side…been like it for a while.

ARNOLD : Loosen that and pull that away

(instructs)
before we get it up…(asks) What do you reckon
the cause is?

TODD : (speaks)Could be just stress…I’ve been

worrying heaps lately, but I reckon there’s
more to it.

ARNOLD : You never seem worried…what have

(questions)
you got to be stressed about?

TODD : (answers)I did some pretty crazy shit a few

years ago…I don’t feel good about it…I mean
really bad shit…and to top it off I think
people are still after me. I mean people who
you don’t want after you ya know? (breaks down--
sobs) Sorry mate…I’ve just had it.

ARNOLD : No worries…take a
(replies compassionately)
break…no…take the rest of the day off…go see
the doc.

TODD : (puts down tools--speaks) So embarrassed…thanks.

ARNOLD : (speaks) If ya need anyone to talk too let me

know.

TODD : (answers)That’s a strange concept…Never had

anyone to talk too.
 94

81 INT/EXT (SEASIDE TOWN) EVENING 81

Night. The next weekend. Bob and Threada are walking from the own
cabin near the beach, and after locating the shops, waste little time
in hitting the local bar…They are extremely inebriated, and have
already made acquaintances with three quarters of the town, who are
in the bar—-the place is packed to the rafters.

BOB : Let’s take our

(takes a sip of beer--suggests)
clothes off and walk home naked.

THREADA : (replies) I think I’ll need a bit more to drink

first (drinks her Jägermeister).

BOB : (asks) Ready now?

THREADA : (begins undoing her shoelaces--responds) You

betya…it’s gunna be a bit cold.

To Bob’s surprise, Threada agrees. Threada begins taking off her

clothes very calmly, and folds methodically—-the crowd in the bar go
wild and begin clapping—-Bob finishes his drink and begins taking off
his clothes also.

BOB : (removes jacket to reveal a T-shirt with writing—-

slogan on T-shirt reads) Alcohol is neither moral
nor immoral - it's a chemical compound. The
compound itself is not a menace to society
until a human being treats it as if
consumption bestows a temporary license to
act stupid.

THREADA : (removes jacket to reveal a T-shirt with writing—-

slogan on T-shirt reads) Rain is life
condescending to the earth. Oh, and by the
way, I’m with stupid.

Once naked, they gather their clothes, and without running they leave
the premises--They continue in the same fashion all the way back to
their cabin, even stopping off at the bottle shop to buy more beer.
As they walk past reception, the attendant nearly has a heart attack,
with his eyes bulging from his sockets.

MAN : You guys rock…do you know I

(laughs—-proclaims)
am working on this great concept where you
can get in touch with old friends,
advertise a business and even put up photos
on your wall…I’m gunna call it
Facebook…should make me a buck or two…pitty
it wasn’t up and running, this would have
been great advertising for Rancho Reclino.

Cont’d
 95

Cont’d (81)

(looks at Bob--asks) Aren’t you embarrassed?

BOB : I have been numb to embarrassment

(answers)
and not been nervous while naked in public
since my Batman days.

THREADA : (addresses Bob) Let’s go Batman…I’m cold.

BOB : We can tell…light the way Batgirl.

(answers)
Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it
sounds?

82 INT (DOCTORS - 1998) DAYTIME 82

Day. A month or so later. Todd is in the doctor’s surgery to get

results of a blood and urine test and ultrasound. Doctor informs him
that he has a rare kidney disorder from Alport Syndrome resulting in
end-stage renal disease (ESRD). Doctor informs him that he is not the
son of Brett and Sharon!!

DOCTOR : (opens waiting room door—-calls Todd in) Todd

Cruickshank.

TODD : G’day Doc…Did my

(gets up—-enters—-speaks)
results come back okay?

DOCTOR : I really don’t know where to

(answers)
start…sit down.

Todd gets up and paces around the surgery before trying to make an
exit. The doctor grabs his shoulder and leads him back to the chair.

DOCTOR : (speaks calmly but nervously) Firstly, we found

blood in your urine.

TODD : (interrupts) That can’t be good.

DOCTOR : There are many causes for having

(replies)
blood in the urine but yours is not a good
one.

TODD : (fidgets in his seat—-questions) What

caused it?

Cont’d
 96

Cont’d (82)

DOCTOR : (opens up a file on his computer—-stares at screen—-

looks at Todd—-replies) You have Alport’s
Syndrome…that has caused all the symptoms
you have…nausea, urine in the blood…but it
has also caused kidney disease.

TODD : (gets a look of panic--asks) Is it curable?

DOCTOR : (sits back in his seat—-stares at Todd—-pauses—-

answers) No.

TODD : What do I
(gets tears in his eyes--inquires)
do…what can I do…what can you do?

DOCTOR : Not much really…the

(replies matter-of-factly)
Syndrome has caused what we call ESRD . . .

TODD : (interrupts) What is ESDR?

DOCTOR : (replies) It’s ESRD…or end stage renal

disease.

The phone rings and the doctor answers.

DOCTOR : (speaks into phone) Janice…no calls. (addresses

to Todd) There are options…you can have
dialysis and you can live for up to ten
years but with a likelihood of five.

TODD : (cries) Five…what can I do?

DOCTOR : (replies)There is also the option of a donor.

TODD : (states) Yeh right…what are the chances of

that…I never have anything good happen to
me.

DOCTOR : (talks)There is something else I have to

inform you about.

TODD : (yells)What the fuck else can there be…sorry

Doc…what is it?

DOCTOR : After looking at your

(mentions earnestly)
results and having data about your mum and
dad Sharon and Brett…you are not their son.

Cont’d
 97

Cont’d (82)

TODD : (stands up—-sits down—-stands again—-replies) What?

How is that possible?

DOCTOR : (says)You must have been adopted without

your knowing…I am not really sure.

TODD : (asks) Are you sure they are not my parents?

DOCTOR : Quite sure…your DNA results do not

(responds)
match theirs.

TODD : (questions further) What’s next?

DOCTOR : (states) First we have to get you into the

dialysis program…and…more importantly we
have to get you onto a donor list.

83 EXT (STREETSIDE – 1999) DAYTIME 83

Day. A few months later. Bob and Threada are driving along a street
which has miscellaneous rubbish, goods and old furniture out the
front of various houses which are put out for clean-up day.

THREADA : Thank God I

(grins in the passenger’s seat—-speaks)
talked you into driving around to see what
we can find.

BOB : (answers) So am I…I think.

THREADA : (utters)One man’s trash is another man’s

treasure (looks out window—-points-—yells)
Stop…look at that (jumps out of car-—runs to an
object on the side of the street-—picks it up and puts
in the boot of the car—-jumps back in the car—-says) I
don’t know what it is but it looks awesome.

BOB : (drives on looking for another pile of goods that he is

not interested in-—pretends to show interest)
Excellent.

THREADA : (mentions) You like electronics…I think I got

something you will like.

Cont’d
 98

Cont’d (83)

There are flashing lights and a siren behind them. They get pulled
over by the police—after pulling over a policeman exits the police
car and walks to their car.

COP : Could we have our

(pokes head in window—asks)
radar back? You’ve lifted our speed radar.

84 INT (LOUNGEROOM) NIGHT 84

Night. Threada relaxes on the couch and chews through a rack of ice
cubes as Bob enters with a pile of DVDs for a movie night for just
himself and Threada. They are staying at home for a movie marathon.
In the background is music by Buddy Holly, followed by ‘I’m Leaving
on a Jet Plane’ by John Denver.

THREADA : (asks) What movies did you hire?

BOB : (replies)Turbulence, Final Destination, and

Flight 90 the Disaster.

THREADA : What is
(sucks on ice cube…questions)
this…aeroplane disaster night or something?

BOB : (answers) Yep.

THREADA : (asks) Why?

BOB : (responds) I’ll yell ya later.

They continue to watch movies for a few hours—-television continually

visualises aeroplane disaster images—Bob remains quiet while Threada
continues to suck ice cubes and chatter about the weather.

BOB : Okay Thread…we are

(out of the blue mentions)
going to Thailand via Indonesia!

THREADA : (puts down ice cube rack—-asks) How many

months till we leave?

BOB : (pauses DVD—-image on screen shows a plane

exploding—-answers) We leave in a week!
 99

85 INT (AEROPLANE) DAYTIME 85

Day. One week later. Threada and Bob sit on a plane just before take-
off. It is raining outside and very windy. Rain is bombarding the
window next to Threada who has the window seat. Bob has the aisle
seat. He sits there with a huge grin on his face. Threada has a
nervous look on her face and is already clutching her armrests in
anticipation about taking off. It is a full flight.

THREADA : (puts her light on for service--speaks) I love

the ice cubes on flights.

BOB : They are not going to serve you

(replies)
till we are in the air and the safety
light has been extinguished.

THREADA : (shuffles in her seat—-states) At least it is

on for when they do.

The airhostess stands up to begin her in flight safety speech. Bob

laughs and Threada listens like her life depends on it.

BOB : I hope this announcement is

(grins--mentions)
different than the last one I listened to.

HOSTESS : (begins)Ladies and gentlemen…in the case of

emergency or water landing life jackets
can be located under your seat.

THREADA : (frantically clambers out of her seat and checks

under it for where the life jacket would be
located—-squawks) My God I hope I remember
all of this.

After the message is completed and the plane ascends above cloud
level the safety light is extinguished. Threada crazily presses her
drinks light again…Once attended to Threada nervously chews ice cubes
and sips her beverage--The same routine is maintained till they
approach Indonesian airspace—-a large ball of smoke is and ash
appears into view near the plane as a volcano begins erupting on the
Indonesian mainland.

THREADA : (looks out the window—-screams) Oh God…Oh

God…what the hell is that?

All engines lose power due to volcanic ash--the plane begins to nose
dive and attains a huge velocity rapidly--Bob looks at Threada and
the situation is almost comical—-masks descend from the ceiling and
bounce everywhere—-passengers on the plane are somewhat hysterical.

BOB : This procedure is quite

(calmly speaks)
common. They have to restart the engines
in a sort--of air push start.

After a while the engines restart and the plane levels out.
 100

86 INT/EXT (AIRPORT CHANG MAI THAILAND) DAY 86

Day. Three days later. Threada and Bob’s bus is cancelled from Chang
Mai to Bangkok. There is no alternative but to take a little internal
airline--It takes quite a while for Bob to talk Threada into their
last resort and pay for a ticket. Bob reassures her continuously.
They stand on the tarmac and speak to a Thai man about their
approaching dilemma.

BOB : (looks sceptically at the little plane they are

forced to take--states) The plane looks safe
enough to me. (looks at a Thai man
approaching—says to Threada) Here comes
the pilot.

THREADA : (looks panicky--answers) You are kidding

aren’t you?

BOB : (addressed Thai man—-asks) You’ll get us there

safely won’t you?

THAI MAN : (speaks in quite fluent English) No. (laughs—-

continues) I am not the pilot…give me your
luggage…I will load (opens door of little plane
and points to a young boy—-states) This is the
pilot.

He opens the door to reveal an empty cargo plane with no seats. All
it contains is a flimsy rope to secure milk crates for seats. It
takes an age to make Threada board and be tied to the plane wall
alongside Bob. They are fastened so that there can be no immediate
escape.

THAI MAN : (says) All is okay. Do this many times.

BOB : (squeaks) Sorry Threada.

Man closes the door and pats the boy no older than 12 on the
shoulder. The boy climbs into the cockpit and starts up the plane.
Threada begins screaming.

THREADA : He is a boy! A boy! He can’t be

(screams)
our pilot. We are going to die!

BOB : (laughs) She will be apples…It’s a funny old

world.

After a crazy and bumpy flight they arrive safely.

 101

87 INT (TODD GETTING DIALYSIS - 2002) DAY 87

Day. Two years later. Todd is getting dialysis treatment which he has
been receiving for a couple of years. His girlfriend of a year or so,
Jackie, waits with him during treatment. The nurse is pleasant but
obviously just doing her job. The clinic is well maintained and
Jackie sits in a comfortable chair next to Todd as he is connected to
the complex machine of tubes. Todd reflects on a life filled with a
lack of opportunities.

NURSE : (addresses Todd) Comfortable?

TODD : As comfortable as I
(stirs in chair--replies)
can be I suppose. (wriggles uncomfortable—
-puts hand out and grasps Jackie’s)

JACKIE : (asks Todd) You okay?

TODD : (replies)It’s occurred to me lately…

because of you…that I have missed out on
so much in this life…and I mean that in a
good way.

JACKIE : (tries to interrupt) Hey. . .

TODD : (cuts in) Just listen…I am thankful and so

depressed…If it wasn’t for you I would not
have cared much about dying but you have
given me something to live for and now I
don’t want to die. (tears well in his eyes and
Jackie’s—-continues) It has made me angry that
I was not guided and provided for like a
child should be…but you don’t know that
until you see a different side of life you
know? I am getting better at life but
worse in health…does that make sense?

JACKIE : (responds sadly) Perfect sense.

TODD : It’s amazing and sad that

(continues)
sometimes the more you know the worse it
makes you feel…maybe ignorance is bliss…I
have so much to tell you…but not here…I
sometimes wish that my life had not
improved and my eyes opened so that I
would not miss it as much when I go.

NURSE : Sorry to
(enters—overhears last words--says)
interrupt but don’t lose heart…you may
find a donor yet…treatment is looking good
and you are responding well to
dialysis…there is still time.
 102

88 INT (TELEVISION STUDIO - 2002) DAY 88

Day. Six months later. Bob is being filmed making an episode of ‘The
Wheel of Fortune’. There were hundreds of flashing lights, cameras
and bright colours whirling everywhere. Before Bob realised what was
happening, cameras were pointing at him, along with too many bright
lights. There were about three hundred people in the audience
screaming with three contestants only standing behind the giant
wheel. Bob is in the middle.

DIRECTOR : (announces) Action.

TV HOST 1 : (asks contestants to recount briefly memorable

things—gets to Bob--requests) So…Bob…wanna tell
us about a memorable moment you’ve had
that sticks in your mind?

BOB : Yep…I would…once I had to

(grins--answers)
climb a fence after a swim, without any
pants on, because my father accidentally
took my towel and shorts to the car…It was
a wire fence.

HOST 2 : (remains still without emotion—-asks) And how is

that memorable?

BOB : (answers quickly) I was naked…I got my penis

trapped between the top rung and wire
mesh…The only way he could be freed from
the fence was with the aid of a council
cherry picker and an ambulance crew. (rubs a
bead of sweat off his forehead—-continues) I was
up on the fence for nearly two hours and
the local news crew came…Lucky I still
have the use of my cherries and stem.

HOST 1 : So Bob, you got caught with

(laughs—-replies)
your pants down…ready to win tonight?

BOB : (nods head—-answers) I’ll do a lap naked if I

don’t.

DIRECTOR : (yells) Cut.

The crowd goes crazy with laughter and chanting. After a

friendly chat with the producer and host, Bob is ready to
continue. It was like the three had been friends for
years.

DIRECTOR : (yells) Action.

Cont’d
 103

Cont’d (88)

HOST 1 : (begins)So Bob, why did you want to come on

Wheel of Fortune?

BOB : My
(looks around at the various cameras—replies)
wife roped me into this…I don’t really
know why I’m here…She wants a fridge. I
want her to stop whinging. I really just
want to spin the wheel and meet that
pretty lady who turns the letters around.
Oh my God look at all these colours,
lights and cameras. This is an epileptic’s
nightmare (looks around—contemplates—utters) I
think it’s time for me to go back to uni.

DIRECTOR : Cut!

89 INT/EXT (CAR ON WAY TO UNI EXAM - 2003) DAY 89

Day. Afternoon. One year later. Bob and three uni friends fail to
attend an exam as a result of coming back from a ski trip half a day
late as a result of ‘having too much fun’. They ring the university
on the way to explain their reason for absence.

MATE 1 : (uses mobile phone to ring the uni--announces)

Hello. Could I speak to Professor Leonard
please…in the chemical science department?

RECEPTION : (replies) Putting you through.

PROF : (answers his desk phone) Yes hello?

MATE 1 : Hello, I am just ringing

(speaks into phone)
to explain my absence and my three mates
from the chemistry exam this morning.

PROF : (asks) Oh. What happened?

MATE 1 : Oh…look I will put Bob

(blushes—-answers)
Bobbin on…he can explain. (passes phone to
Bob)

Cont’d
 104

Cont’d (89)

BOB : Professor?..we
(takes phone surprised—-talks)
were on our way back from the snow to sit
the exam when we got a flat tyre…our
spanner wouldn’t turn the nut on the wheel
and it took us ages to get it off.

PROF : (asks) Are you driving now?

BOB : (replies) Yes…we are nearly back at uni.

PROF : Come straight here…the exam will

(insists)
be easy for you…a nice short one.

BOB : (utters thankfully) Okay we will be there in

half an hour (hangs up the phone).

90 INT (EXAM ROOM) DAY 90

Day. One hour later. Bob and his three uni mates turn up to sit their
exam. The room is huge (an old hall with all normal furniture removed
and replaced by three hundred desks. On just four tables sits an exam
paper in the four corner extremities of the room. Bob and his three
ski companions file in--nervous about sitting their exam.

PROF : Chose a table each…this won’t

(declares)
take long.

BOB : (reads front/title page of his exam paper--

exclaims) What?

PAPER : Chemistry Paper. First

(reads in bold writing)
Year Final Exam. Time allowed 1 minute.

BOB : (whispers in surprise) One minute?

PROF : (yells) Begin.

BOB : (turns over title page to begin the paper—-only one

question appears on the next page—reads aloud while
reading) Which tyre was it? (underneath the
writing read) If you all get it correct you
will get one hundred percent, but if you
get it wrong, you all get zero.

Cont’d
 105

Cont’d (90)

The four guys look at each other simultaneously knowing that they had
been sprung--Amazingly they all picked the same answer.

BOB : Finished…my answer is the

(calls to lecturer)
right front passenger side.

PROF : (annoyed and amused—-asks) How did you do that?

BOB : I don’t know…pretty

(laughs politely)
freaky…I don’t know how I would have taken
a zero.

PROF : I wouldn’t have given you

(states cynically)
a zero…I know you guys are good at your
Chemistry, so I would have given you an
average.

BOB : (solemnly) I’ll come clean too…I don’t know

how we all guessed the correct tyre when
there wasn’t one (professor laughs in the
background)… There was a woman claiming to
be a psychic healer in a local park one
day who handed me a pamphlet advertising
her business…I tried to use telepathy to
tell her that I was going to throw her
pamphlet away (looks up at the professor—-grins—
-continues). She shouldn’t be charging money
to heal.

PROF : (asks) What happened?

BOB : I tried to use telepathy…like I

(repeats)
did today…to get her to stop handing out
pamphlets or I would throw the pamphlet
she gave me away…She didn’t ‘hear’ me, so
I threw it away.

PROF : (grins—takes a seat next to Bob, still in the exam

hall--speaks) I’ve seen some strange things
Bob…I saw a homeless lady steal a
radioactive plastic bag from a medical
centre. I really wanted to take the bag
off her, but I thought that she might be
radioactive.

Cont’d
 106

Cont’d (90)

BOB : Of course
(replies calmly but matter-of-factly)
you wouldn’t take the radioactive bag off
of her…She may have been a superhero after
all that contamination. After all, isn’t
that how all superheroes begin? They start
off homeless and end up radioactive super
beings.

PROF : (raises eyebrows—implies) Indeed.

BOB : I wonder…why do we call

(mentions in closing)
buildings buildings if they have already
been built?

91 INT (VIDEO SHOP - 2004) DAY 91

Day. Bob is working in a little video shop, which he has worked in

for the entire time he has been at uni on his second attempt. The
video shop is a small independent one, with worn down carpet, old
paintwork and thousands of staples in the walls with scattered old
remains of blue tac where older posters have just been ripped off the
walls and replaced with coming attractions.

BOB : (begins conversation with a regular customer who

works two doors up in the drycleaner—-produces an
old jar--asks) Do you mind if you would piss
into this jar for me please?

FRIEND : (horrified--inquires) What? Why?

BOB : I need
(begins serving another customer—replies)
a urine sample…I am going for a new
job…finally get to use my new degree…I am
applying for a job as a research and
development chemist for a large industrial
paint company and I need a sample for a
physical.

CUSTOMER : (looks up in a mixture of amusement and surprise at

the conversation—-asks) Is the Matrix a good
movie?

BOB : (replies to customer) Does Kay Cottee play

with herself?
Cont’d
 107

Cont’d (91)

FRIEND : (questions) Who is Kay Cottee?

BOB : The first woman to sail around the

(answers)
world solo in a yacht.

CUSTOMER : (speaks) Of course she plays with herself.

BOB : Reckon you could fill this jar

(asks again)
for me mate?

FRIEND : (replies) Why do you need a sample from

me…what’s wrong with yours?
BOB : (responds) I had a joint a few weeks ago at
a party…THC stays in your system for
weeks…I don’t want to jeopardise it.

FRIEND : No
(looks at the jar—-grabs it—-speaks)
worries…could I use your bathroom?

BOB : (answers) Does Jack Newton swim in circles?

FRIEND : (jokes)Do you know the difference between a

G-spot and a golf ball?

CUSTOMER : (replies) No.

FRIEND : A man will spend a

(delivers the punch line)
little bit of time looking for a golf
ball.

92 INT (MEDICAL CENTRE) DAY 92

Day. One day later. Bob is waiting in the medical centre with Threada
before his medical exam. He has a bag of urine strapped inside his
underpants in preparation to empty it into their collecting vial on
demand. The waiting room is quite crowded, and two ladies are serving
at reception. Elevator/reception music is playing quietly in the
background.

BOB : (stands uncomfortably-—whispers) This is so

uncomfortable.

THREADA : (addresses Bob quietly) Sit down then.

Cont’d
 108

Cont’d (92)

BOB : I can’t…the bag will burst…I

(replies)
wonder if the queen or kind was to die
today how long it would take them to
change the public holiday day?

THREADA : (points towards reception—-informs Bob) The lady

is calling you to the counter.

BOB : (looks up towards reception—-begins to walk over—-

says) Here goes.

Everyone is looking at Bob’s uncomfortable walking style. He is

trying hard not to spill the contents of concealed urine in the bag
tucked into his pants. As he approaches the counter the bag breaks
and wets the entire front of his trousers.

BOB : (unembarrassed—-looks back to Threada—-states)

Lucky I brought a spare pair of
pants…guess I didn’t get that job.

93 INT (SUPERMARKET) DAY 93

Day. One month later. Bob and Threada are doing some shopping in a
crowded supermarket. Threada is quiet and pensive. Bob is shopping as
normal.

THREADA : (loudly announces) BOB… I think I am pregnant?

BOB : (surprised…asks loudly as customers with trolleys

look at them) Is it yours?

THREADA : (runs around to the next aisle-—runs back quickly—-

produces a home pregnancy testing kit—-yells) I’m
gunna wee on it.

BOB : (walks towards her till they are nearly touching—-

asks in a whisper) Here?

THREADA : (answers) Yes here.

BOB : (asks again) In the aisle?

THREADA : (replies in horror) No…in the toilet…give me a

minute.
Cont’d
 109

Cont’d (93)
Threada races off to the toilet leaving Bob just standing there with
a surprised look on his face—-he is unable to move. After only a
couple of minutes Threada comes bounding back down the aisle.

THREADA : I’m pregnant…I’m

(yells while running)
pregnant…I’m pregnant.

94 INT (ULTRASOUND CLINIC-2004) DAY 94

Day. One day later. Bob and Threada are in the ultrasound clinic to
confirm or disprove their new found pregnancy. Threada is lying on
the reclined chair with her belly exposed and a sonographer adding
lubricant jelly to the detecting device. The computer screen is on
and Bob watches it intently. Both Bob and Threada are nervous.

SONOGRAPHER : (announces) Here goes…ready?

BOB/THREADA : (look to screen—-both reply simultaneously) Yes.

The ultrasound reveals a heartbeat, which brings a tear to Threada’s

and Bob’s eyes. At only six weeks old, there was a heartbeat, and it
was beating at 160 beats per minute. It was amazing, and the baby is
healthy.

THREADA : (exclaims) That heartbeat looks huge…damn I

thought we were having twins.

BOB : (states) It’s Phar Lap.

SON’PHER : (says) Congratulations.

BOB : (reveals) I’ve got something to tell you that

you may not like.

Bob then reveals to Threada that he has put his name down on a donor
list to donate a kidney if necessary with reasons that you only need
one and it would be an unrequited selfless act to do that. He
realises now that it may have been a bad decision because his mindset
has changed with the idea of starting a family but he is going to go
through with it all the same.
 110

95 INT (RESTAURANT - 2004) NIGHT 95

Night. Same time. Todd is having dinner with Jackie. In the

conversation he reveals everything to her and receives a phone call
from his doctor saying that he may have a compatible donor.

TODD : Remember I told you that I have

(declares)
something to tell you?

JACKIE : (asks) What is it?

Todd proceeds to tell Jackie the story of his whole life including
all the details that led him to indirectly have his ‘parents’ killed
and that they were not his parents at all. Jackie is in shock but
very understanding.

TODD : I really want to know who and

(concludes)
where my real parents are but don’t have
the energy to try. (asks seriously) Are you
okay? Should I have told you all of this?

JACKIE : More than okay and of course you

(replies)
should have.

A waiter interrupts conversation to ask if he can pour

some more wine and at the same time Todd’s mobile rings.
He answers the phone to find it is his doctor informing
him that he may have a donor.

TODD : I don’t swear much these

(exclaims in joy)
days but…fuckin’ beauty. They think I have
a donor.

96 INT (ULTRASOUND CLINIC) DAY 96

Day. A few weeks later. Bob and Threada are in the ultrasound clinic
again for their second ultrasound. Both Bob and Threada are nervous.

SONOG’R : (announces) Here goes…ready?

BOB/THR’A : (look to screen—-both reply simultaneously) Yes.

The second ultrasound, at 12 weeks, is quite an event. The

radiologist spreads the gel on Threada’s belly, and positioned the
imaging device in the correct place for the ultrasound. The image
appeared on the screen to reveal a huge number of images. However,
instead of their being one baby, the images confirm, not only that
they are pregnant but are having twins.

Cont’d
 111

Cont’d (96)

BOB : My God!
(looks at the screen in disbelief--hollers)
There are babies everywhere…Are there four
of them? That looks like lots of babies.

SONOG’R : (attempts to alleviate the distress—-informs) No.

There aren’t four babies…But there are
twins.

BOB : It’s a
(looks at Threada--gives her a kiss—-states)
funny old world. I think IFOW should be in
the urban dictionary.

97 INT (BOB & THREADA’S HOUSE - 2005) NIGHT 98

Night. A week later. Bob and Threada are preparing the house for
their guest Todd for dinner. They are very excited to be meeting the
person they are possibly going to be saving the life of. They are
nervous about meeting him, nervous about the prospect that Bob is
going to sacrifice himself in such a way and situation is still not
properly resolved between the two. The table is set and there is some
light ambient music playing in the background. The scene is tense and
ironic because Bob and Todd are to meet properly and unaware of their
sibling relationship.

THREADA : (fidgets with cutlery—questions nervously) You

know we have kids on the way right?

BOB : Yeh…I do…I know it is a bit

(looks up—-answers)
of a gamble but I just want to help someone
I have no ties too and see the results
while I am alive to appreciate it.

THREADA : You know we have

(stops fidgeting—-continues)
kids on the way right? But I admire your
intentions…we are with you.
There is then a knock at the door. They stare at each other
nervously.

BOB : (looks up—-walks to the door—answers it) Hello.

TODD : (stares at BOB awkwardly—-replies) Hi…I don’t

know what to say.

BOB : (puts out his hand to shake Todds--answers) Say

nothing mate…come in. (Bob guides Todd to the
table) This is my wife Threada.

Cont’d
 112

Cont’d (97)

TODD : (shakes Bob’s hand—-walks to Threada—-shakes her

hand and kisses her on the cheek—utters words of
thanks) Thanks Threada…I can’t imagine . . .

THREADA : (interrupts politely) It’s okay…sit down.

BOB : (asks Todd) Drink?

THREADA : (nudges Bob urgently) Bob!

TODD : I am not allowed to drink…it’s too

(answers)
dangerous for my condition.

BOB : Doesn’t have to be alcoholic…what

(continues)
are you having?

TODD : (sits—-replies) Tonic.

BOB : (laughs to break the ice) We all need that.

THREADA : (asks) So…you don’t know each other?

TODD : No…but he does seem

(stares at BOB—-replies)
strangely familiar. (asks Bob) Bob isn’t it?

BOB : (puts out his hand to shake Todds again--answers)

Yes…Bob Bobbin.
The scene continues as they swap stories about parts of their lives.
Bob’s stories are funny and pleasant but Todd’s are suppressed and
awkward.

BOB : Looks like I am more than

(looks up—-states)
ready to go ahead with this.

TODD : I don’t deserve

(cries allowed—-replies)
this…you are too kind…I really don’t know
how to thank you.

BOB : (puts hand on Todd’s shoulder—pulls him up—-hugs

him--answers) I do…just stay alive…I am sure
you do deserve it…nobody deserves to get a
life threatening disease at such a young
age.

TODD : (states) You know…you may be right…if you

knew half of the stuff I have been
through…maybe I do deserve it.
 113

98 INT (BOB and THREADA’S HOUSE) DAY 98

Day. Nine months later. Bob and Threada are nine months pregnant—they
are sitting at the table talking when Threada’s contractions begin.
Bob grabs the phone frantically and calls the ambulance. Threada
holds her tummy nervously as her water breaks.

THREADA : (screams) BOB…here come Jasper and Casper.

BOB : (looks up—-knows exactly what is happening—-speaks)

At last…here come Shayla and Harmony.

THREADA : Yep.

BOB : My wife is pregnant

(dials ambulance--announces)
and her contractions are only two minutes
apart!

OPERATOR : (questions) Is this her first child?

BOB : (answers) No…Don’t be silly! This is her

husband.

99 INT (BOB AND THREADA’S HOUSE) DAY 99

Day. Eight months later. Bob has written
book, which he sells each day by driving
drives back. Bob gets back one day after
drive—walks in the front door to see his
fed by Threada.
finished writing his first
up the coast, sells some and
a few hundred kilometres
eight month old girls being

THREADA : Hey Bob…how did

(looks at Bob—-states happily)
you go? Do people like your book?

BOB : (gives her a kiss-—walks over to kids—-kisses them--

replies) Awesome…sold heaps…I am so
tired…’It’s a Funny Old World’ is a funny
book…how could they not?

THREADA : (asks) Can we go for a drive?

BOB : (replies with a rhetorical question) You wanna go

for a drive?

THREADA : (answers) Of course I do.

BOB : (replies questioningly but calmly) Wanna drive

around Australia?

THREADA : (answers) Okay.

Cont’d
 114

Cont’d (99)

BOB : (says)We only have three hundred dollars to

our names after buying this batch of
books…and we would have to put everything
in storage…but we can leave in two weeks.

THREADA : (yells)Hear that kids? We are going around

Australia.

KIDS : (scream) Yay.

100 INT (AUSTRALIA TRIP) MORNING 100

Daytime. Two weeks later. The station wagon they were travelling in
is parked in the driveway. The kids are strapped into their baby
seats. The car is full of babies’ gear, a paltry amount of clothes,
pots and pans, a small supply of food, lots of books, bedding, a
baby’s mattress, double pram, and a full sized cot on the roof rack.
The cot is in pieces, and held onto the roof rack using occy straps—
the family waits for Threada.

BOB : (looks in the side mirror at Threada coming out of

the house front door carrying her keys and last bag
of rubbish to dump—-she pulls the front door shut—-
Bob yells) Hurry up.

THREADA : (gets frustrated at taking so long—-she is eager to

leave also—-yells back) Okay. (gets in the car—-
closes the door).

BOB : (happily mentions to Threada as she gets in the car)

Normally families would have a substantial
amount of funds to cover such an
adventure…at least a camper van or
trailer…kids older than six months of age
and a plan…despite this minor flaw I am
confident. (says to himself in his brain as
the car reverses out the driveway) What am
I getting my family into?

THREADA : (says) You are always wondering.

BOB : Why isn't phonetic spelled the way

(wonders)
it sounds? Why are there interstate
highways on Hawaii? Why are there flotation
devices under plane seats instead of
parachutes? It’s a funny old world Threada.
 115

101 INT/EXT (OUTBACK HIGHWAY) DAYTIME 101

Daytime. Three months later. The station wagon they were travelling
in was now looking like something out of the Beverly Hill Billies.
The kids are strapped into their baby seats as usual. The car is
still full as can be with all their gear but now is covered in iron
based dirt. Written on the side of the car in the dirt is “I’ve been
everywhere man”. The car is travelling at 120 km/hr on a dead
straight road.

BOB : (looks in the rear vision mirror which is tilted

down so that he can see his girls—starts singing a
song to them that he made up) I can see two
pretty girls…the prettiest girls in the
whole wide world.

SHAYLA : (speaks for the first time) Dadda.

THREADA : She spoke…she said dadda…Bob did

(exclaims)
you hear that?

BOB : (replies excitedly) Sure did. (looks at Harmony in

the mirror—speaks) What about you Harmo? (sings
another line) If you can you can hold my hand
and I’ll swing you to another land.

HARMONY : (smiles—-speaks for the first time also) Bulldogs.

BOB : A land of bliss and

(sings louder and happier)
if you wish…you can give your dad a big fat
kiss.

THREADA : I can’t believe it…dada

(gets frustrated—says)
and Bulldogs…where’s mumma?

KIDS : (speak in unison) Mumma…we love you mumma…and

the Bulldogs.

BOB : (talks) They look hungry…it’s milko time.

THREADA : (makes up formula in two separate bottles by

spooning powder in and adding hot thermos water
without having to stop the car or even slow down—-
speaks) Done…I’m climbing into the back as
usual…don’t hit a cow.(at that very moment they
drive straight through a flock of galahs and
feathers go everywhere).

BOB : (Threada keeps climbing into the back and sits with
her back to the front of the car and puts the
bottles into the kids mouths--says calmly) Lock
and load.

THREADA : (replies) Bloody galahs.

 116

102 INT/EXT (OUTBACK ROADHOUSE) DAYTIME 102

Daytime. Two hours later. They arrive at a roadhouse with their car
still dirty but covered in huge amounts of bird feathers and
entrails. The roadhouse is a diner, petrol station and has a couple
of one-room shacks as night-time accommodation. All these rooms have
in them was a tiny bar fridge. The temperature is extremely hot and
very dry. Serving at the counter of the diner/station is a Japanese
male tourist who is about twenty two.

BOB : (gets out of the car—-enters the roadhouse—-talks to

the Japanese tourist counter attendant) How much
are your rooms?

JAP : (answers in Japanese English) Ninety five

dorrar.

BOB : (surprised—-asks) You’re joking?

JAP : (replies) No yoke. Not speakoo good Englisho.

BOB : (says helpingly as he grabs the register book off

the counter) I’ll help you. (Inside the book
writes) PAID.

JAP : (gives Bob the key without taking any money-—says)

Thanka you.

BOB : (replies and asks) No worries…how much is

petrol?

JAP : (answers) Two bucks litre.

BOB : (states)You’re kidding…got no choice have

I…the nearest town is six hundred
kilometres away… Some people say that Jerry
cans are an option. But the distances
between towns up here makes for a big Jerry
can.

JAP : (says) Don’t like Jerries.

BOB : The average price of petrol in

(continues)
other regions is about $1.20 to $1.50 per
litre…If the average for this is $1.35 then
that’s an extra 65cents per litre. The
average volume of a petrol tanker is 37,000
litres…So does it cost $24 000 extra per
load for the tanker to get it here?

JAP : (says) Food?

Cont’d
 117

Cont’d (102)

BOB : (enquires) How much are burgers?

JAP : (replies) Hifteen bucks.

BOB : What? I refuse to pay $15 for

(exclaims)
burgers, or $14 for a pie and chips… I
realise these places are a long way from
each other, but it can’t cost an extra $10
per burger for the transport.

THREADA : (calls out) I’m hungry.

BOB : (walks over to the car and writes next to Threada’s

writing on the car with his finger) I wish my
wife was that dirty.

103 INT (PUB) DAYTIME 103

Daytime. Two hours later. Bob is having a beer in a typical pub with
a man who claims to have invented the pogo stick.

MAN : (states) I invented the pogo stick you

know…sold like hotcakes they did but I
don’t have anything to show for it (raises
his eyebrows in annoyance).

BOB : (asks)You don’t see many pogo sticks around

these days…why is that?

MAN : Too many kids got injured…so they

(replies)
banned them…reckon they were too dangerous.

BOB : (sips his beer--changes the subject--speaks)

Australia was the first nation to have
plastic notes of all denominations as its
currency.

MAN : Is it because it is
(seems interested—-asks)
cheaper to print plastic notes…are they
more durable…or is it because it reduces
the use of paper.

Cont’d
 118

Cont’d (103)

BOB : No… the reason Australia

(laughs—-answers)
prefers plastic notes is that people can go
out and leave a note on a beer drenched
table…drop it in their beer and then even
wash the note in their trousers after they
get home…peg them out screwed up in their
pockets and still be able to use it on a
beer the next day.

MAN : (replies) Hilarious.

BOB : Funny mob… Australia has no

(continues)
reservations in what they eat, so long as
it tastes good…They are the only nation
that eats its national emblems…Most
Australians have tasted their coat of arms
and national emblems in a pie or two.

MAN : (shuffles in his chair—-sips beer—-asks) What has

that got to do with pogo sticks?

104 INT (HOSPITAL - 2005) DAYTIME 104

Daytime. Bob and Todd are about to undergo surgery so that Todd can
finally get the kidney transplant to keep him alive. They are both
lying on gurneys and about to enter separate theatres. A nurse
arrives and talks to both of them regarding plasma and blood tests
she is going to complete to assess post operation treatment.

NURSE : (states)I have completed taking all that is

necessary to fully analyse your
compatibility with regards for necessary
transfusions and post-theatre care.

BOB : (asks)Why…you already know we are

compatible?

TODD : (questions) There aren’t any problems are

there?

Cont’d
 119

Cont’d (104)

NURSE : (looks at them quizzically—answers while analysing

their faces) No…not at all…the tests keep
coming back with strange results…don’t
worry though…you may be more compatible
than we or you first believed.

BOB : (taps Todd on the arm—-speaks to him for confidence)

Let’s do this.

TODD : (speaks) You have changed my life.

The nurse wheels their gurneys into separate, adjoining theatres to

begin the transplant operation.

105 INT (WEDDING REGISTRY - 2006) DAYTIME 105

Daytime. 8 months later. A close friend of Threada was having their

wedding in a simple registry – Births Deaths and Marriages. The
celebrant was about sixty years old, had glasses, wiry receding hair
and hair in his ears. Threada’s friend’s name is Iona Gay Fanning and
was marrying John Lord. Bob and Threada were the only ones in
attendance. Of course, both Iona and John were nervous, and so were
Bob and Threada. They wanted the day to be a success for the lucky
pair, being privileged to be the best man and bridesmaid all in one.
Todd is one of the guests. His kidney transplant is successful so
far.

IONA : (gives Bob her handicam--states) Just don’t film

my butt…it’s huge.

BOB : (grabs handicam--asks) Do you have a fish eye?

The proceedings begin, with the celebrant commencing. Iona walks into
the ceremony room and Bob focusses the camera on her butt.

BOB : (whispers into the camera mic while filming and

focusses on her butt) It’s not that bad…I don’t
know what she’s worried about.

CELEBRANT : (begins) Do you Iona Guy Fanning . . . . .?

IONA : (interrupts) No. I’m Gay!

Cont’d
 120

Cont’d (105)

CELEBRANT : (quizzical look--asks) Are you? That’s okay.

IONA : No. No. No…I am

(embarrassed—-responds)
Gay…Iona Gay Fanning.

The misunderstanding gets sorted out, and Iona had composes herself
once again--Bob notices an unusual amount of hair protruding from the
celebrant’s aural canal. While the celebrant was deep in thought over
his mistake, Bob approaches, with camera in hand, and focuses
directly on the mass of hair.

BOB : (broadcasts) That’s a lot of hair…Look at

that (focusses on hair with handicam).

CELEBRANT : (continued oblivious to the remarks) I now

pronounce you Iona Gay Lord.

BOB : I wonder why the

(speaks into camera mic)
statistic hold that those who spend the
most on their wedding ceremony are more
likely to get divorced?

TODD : Just glad to be here…All these

(remarks)
things are showing me just what life is all
about.

BOB : (replies)Mate…transplant is holding on well

but Threada told me you haven’t been
feeling well of late. (calls Threada over—-asks
Todd) What’s the story?

TODD : (asks)Remember the nurse telling us that

there is more to our bloodwork and plasma
analysis than we knew? She tries to contact
me frequently but until the last couple of
weeks haven’t been interested in hearing
from her…I was just so happy with how life
is going and I was feeling good…but just
lately I think the Alport Syndrome is
winning and the new kidney is being
damaged.

BOB : Look…we are good mates now. Let’s

(replies)
go and see her soon and see what she has to
say…Threada and I are getting married here
in September, so we will deal with it then.
 121

106 INT (BOB’S DAD DIES - 2006) DAYTIME 106

Day. Two months later. A month after Bob and Threada got married
Bob’s father passed away. There is only a small gathering at the
crematorium. Bob’s father’s funeral was very simple with a few
guests. He didn’t want a fancy ceremony. The ceremony was similar to
the man that it was ushering away: dignified and realistic. Bob gives
a eulogy, which touches the people present.

BOB : (rises—-eulogises)I
think a good man has the
characteristics of being humble, strong,
brave, compassionate, loyal, dedicated,
honest, and above all, a good father. I
believe my dad was such a man. I think a
good father is one who never does wrong by
his family and children, revolves his life
around them, sacrifices just to see them
happy, and above all, a good man. I believe
my dad was such a father. If all men were
like my father the world would be a better
place…It is impossible to relay just how
great a father and man my dad was in a
simple eulogy, but I am glad I got to tell
him just how great a man and father he was.
Not only was he the best dad anyone could
wish for, but I had it all, in that he was
a great friend and companion as well…It
would be a lie to say that I am not being
selfish in grieving for myself when dad has
died because I miss him so much…I’ll miss
that I can’t ring him and say, “Hi dad.” To
which he always responded, “Hi Bob.” Then
I’d ask, “What are ya doin’?” and he’d say,
“Just making a cuppa.” I won’t be able to
hear that anymore…Putting my selfishness
aside, I am sad because while he still
lived to a decent age, his life was still
shortened through society’s curses of
cigarettes and working with cancer causing
agents…It is tragic that society deems
money to be more important than outlawing
that which is so harmful and can shorten a
tremendous human being’s life, and cause
the grief we feel today. It’s not fair to
him that such evils were allowed to
continue and deny him his family’s company,
which he loved more than anything in the
world.
Cont’d
 122

Cont’d (106)

Even when dad was at his sickest his face

would beam when he saw mum or me. And even
though he must have felt as though the
world was crumbling around him, we made him
feel better. That was what my father was
about. We made his life better, and he made
our life better. As he opened his eyes for
the last time and uttered his last words,
he smiled and said,“Hello you two. I’m okay
and I feel good.” He then closed his eyes
for the last time, and without energy
grabbed my hand feebly as I told him all I
needed to tell him, in short, that he was
the greatest father anyone could ever want
and that I would make him proud by being
the same man and father he was. I told him
on his last night with us that the universe
is a very complex entity, which is
expanding at near the speed of light. We
are but bleeps in the overall scheme of
things, and so when the universe contracts
again we will see each other once more.
Even if we have to wait until the universe
is created again, through divine
intervention, or the miracles of nature, we
will be together again – to have our
laughs, our card games, watch some footy or
cricket and our good times all over again.I
know this to be true because something as
beautiful as our universe is not as
beautiful, nor complete without my dad in
it. I love you dad, and if you’re
listening, thanks, and I’ll see ya soon.

107 INT (HOSPITAL WARD- 2007) NIGHT 107

Night. Nine months later. Todd, Bob, Threada, a nurse and a doctor
are in the hospital ward as Todd has become terminally ill and about
to die. After months of palliative care, he is very frail, is
supported by oxygen and attached to numerous monitoring devices. The
room is cold and there is a morbid feel in the air. Todd and Bob find
out they are brothers just as Todd dies.

Cont’d
 123

Cont’d (107)

BOB : I know it’s not

(holds Todd’s hand—-comforts)
alright but that is what I am supposed to
say.

TODD : (gasps for breath—-responds weakly) You’ve done

all you can…let me go.

BOB : (releases his grip on Todd’s hand-—steps back—-says)

Sorry. . .

TODD : No…I don’t mean let go of my

(breathes)
hand…I mean it’s okay to let me go.

Everyone in the room sobs in a speechless and useless way. All that
can be heard is heavy breathing, sobbing and the beeps of monitoring
machines.

BOB : (walks back to Todd—-grabs his hand again--whispers)

Where is Jackie? Is there anything I can
get you?

TODD : I did what’s right…I told her what

(mumbles)
a useless and pathetic human being I am…I
killed my parents you know…well they
weren’t my real parents…but I organised the
hit on them…well . . .

BOB : Stop…it doesn’t matter

(interrupts)
now…relax…you need to find some sort of
peace.

TODD : (speaks)There is so much I haven’t told

you…I never ad love till now…I may be dying
but until I met you I never knew what
compassion and love really was. (reaches
for the drawer—-struggles—-lies back on the
bed)

BOB : (asks)What are you looking for? What can I

get you?

TODD : The hospital

(coughs-—breathes heavily-—answers)
or nurse sent me the information I asked
for about us…get it for me…top drawer.

Cont’d
 124

Cont’d (107)

BOB : (opens drawer-—looks inside—retrieves letter—opens

the letter—reads) Dear Mr Cruickshank, it is
my pleasure to inform you that after much
research, exploration and examination that
your donor, Mr Bob Bobbin is indeed your
Biological brother and in fact your
fraternal twin brother.

Bob looks at Todd in complete amazement and tears flood his eyes—-
Todd returns the startled glare—-Todd’s hand grabs Bobs for comfort—-
his grip loosens as he passes away.