0

00:00:04,337 --> 00:00:06,396

<i>[ Sinister Laughter ]</i>

1
00:00:12,846 --> 00:00:15,406
<i>[ Bell Ringing ]</i>

2
00:00:15,515 --> 00:00:17,415
[ Tires Screeching ]

3
00:00:17,517 --> 00:00:19,417
- [ Groans ]
- D'oh!

4
00:00:19,519 --> 00:00:21,384
- [ Screams ]
- [ Screams ]

5
00:00:22,522 --> 00:00:24,752
- [ Beeping ]
- [ Groans ]

6
00:00:24,858 --> 00:00:27,326
I don't get it.
They should be here by now.

7
00:00:27,427 --> 00:00:29,418
Ah, what are you gonna do?

8
00:00:44,411 --> 00:00:48,848
Hmm. Good lines, nice balance.

9
00:00:48,948 --> 00:00:50,973
Let's see how she handles.

10
00:00:52,786 --> 00:00:56,153
[ Chuckles ]
Oh, yeah. Tame it, baby.

11
00:00:56,256 --> 00:00:59,225
Yo, ring her up, dude.

12
00:00:59,325 --> 00:01:01,691
- [ Dings ]
- [ Gasps ] You cannot smoke in here.

13
00:01:01,795 --> 00:01:04,491
Please, the sign is
clearly posted, sir.

14
00:01:05,999 --> 00:01:08,024
[ Coughs ]

15
00:01:08,134 --> 00:01:10,364
Oh, God.
You smokers disgust me.

16
00:01:10,470 --> 00:01:13,769
Hey, 'Pu, you got a breakfast
cereal for people with syphilis?

17
00:01:14,874 --> 00:01:17,308
Hands up, scuzbag!

18
00:01:17,410 --> 00:01:19,935
No, not you.
The smoking scuzbag.

19
00:01:20,046 --> 00:01:23,641
Oh, chill out, dude.
I'll pay the fine.

20
00:01:23,750 --> 00:01:26,878
Not this time, you won't.
This is your third strike.

21
00:01:26,986 --> 00:01:30,615
First, you torched that orphanage,
then you blew up that bus full of nuns.

22
00:01:30,723 --> 00:01:32,691
Hey, that was self-defense.

23
00:01:32,792 --> 00:01:36,159
Well, you'll be seeing lots of
nuns where you're going, pal-

24
00:01:36,262 --> 00:01:40,892
Hell! Because the penalty
for strike three is death.

25
00:01:41,000 --> 00:01:43,332
[ Chuckles ]
Oh, you'll never make it stick, dude.

26
00:01:43,436 --> 00:01:46,530
Will too, 'cause this place
is full of witnesses.

27
00:01:46,639 --> 00:01:49,335
<i>Apu, that scuzbag Mo.</i>

28
00:01:49,442 --> 00:01:52,343
- I'm not going to forget this, dudes.
- [ Gasps ]

29
00:01:52,445 --> 00:01:55,073
I'm going to totally kill
both of you.

30
00:01:56,149 --> 00:01:58,049
And don't forget Bart Simpson.

31
00:01:58,151 --> 00:02:00,381
- He's a witness too. Right, Barty?
- Oh.

32
00:02:00,487 --> 00:02:03,012
Oh, you are <i>so</i> dead, little dude.

33
00:02:03,123 --> 00:02:07,617
- Thanks a lot, Chief.
- [ Laughs ] You kids crack me up.

34
00:02:08,761 --> 00:02:11,787
Hi. I'm Ed McMahon.
Tonight on Fox...

35
00:02:11,898 --> 00:02:16,801
from the producers of <i>When Skirts Fall Off</i>
and <i>Secrets of National Security Revealed...</i>

36
00:02:16,903 --> 00:02:19,770
it's <i>World's Deadliest Executions.</i>

37
00:02:19,873 --> 00:02:22,865
- <i>[ Cheering, Applause ]</i>
- Making his first appearance on our show...

38
00:02:22,976 --> 00:02:25,877
he-e-ere's Snake!

39
00:02:25,979 --> 00:02:28,106
[ Booing, Heckling ]

40
00:02:32,318 --> 00:02:34,548
Thank you, chickie-pies.

41
00:02:34,654 --> 00:02:36,849
The chair? Aw.

42
00:02:36,956 --> 00:02:39,925
How come they only do
crucifixions during sweeps?

43
00:02:40,026 --> 00:02:44,224
<i>[ Man ]</i>
<i>Snake played lacrosse at Ball State University.</i>

44
00:02:44,330 --> 00:02:48,926
So long, Snake. You'll never harm
another person with secondhand smoke.

45
00:02:49,035 --> 00:02:51,469
- [ Electricity Crackling ]
- [ Groaning ]

46
00:02:51,571 --> 00:02:54,165
[ Coughing ]

47
00:02:54,274 --> 00:02:56,242
[ Groaning ]

48
00:02:59,078 --> 00:03:01,911
Dude.

49
00:03:02,015 --> 00:03:04,813
- Hey-oh!
- [ Cheering ]

50
00:03:04,918 --> 00:03:09,218
All right! Now let's get this carcass over
to the hospital and carve it up for organs.

51
00:03:09,322 --> 00:03:13,088
- Dibs on the liver!
- [ Rings ]

52
00:03:13,193 --> 00:03:16,219
Whoo-hoo!
Marge, they found a donor.

53
00:03:16,329 --> 00:03:18,229
I'm saved.

54
00:03:20,333 --> 00:03:23,996
Boy, you're getting this transplant
just in time, Homer.

55
00:03:24,103 --> 00:03:26,799
This is genuine human hair.

56
00:03:26,906 --> 00:03:29,534
This is legal, right?

57
00:03:29,642 --> 00:03:33,510
Yeah, sure. Whatever.
These drugs will make the operation...

58
00:03:33,613 --> 00:03:35,808
- seem like a beautiful dream.
- [ Gasps ]

59
00:03:37,217 --> 00:03:40,277
- [ Groans ]
- Ahh.

60
00:03:40,386 --> 00:03:43,480
Hi, everybody.

61
00:03:43,590 --> 00:03:47,287
## [ Humming ]

62
00:03:50,396 --> 00:03:54,264
Who wants to see
their sexy new daddy?

63
00:03:54,367 --> 00:03:56,892
- [ Gasps ]
- Whoa!

64
00:03:57,003 --> 00:03:59,028
- <i>[ Lisa ] Oh, Dad.!</i>
- <i>[ Bart ] Whoa.</i>

65
00:03:59,138 --> 00:04:04,007
Wow. If your fly weren't open,
you'd look just like Roger Moore.

66
00:04:04,110 --> 00:04:05,668
<i>[ Owl Hooting ]</i>

67
00:04:05,778 --> 00:04:09,009
- [ Muttering ]
- [ Snoring ]

68
00:04:23,630 --> 00:04:25,791
[ Snake's Voice ]
Later, chickie-pie.

69
00:04:25,898 --> 00:04:27,866
<i>[ Electronic Bell Rings ]</i>

70
00:04:29,002 --> 00:04:32,028
Whoo! Ooh, la, la, Simpson.

71
00:04:32,138 --> 00:04:34,936
Huh. What can I do for you
and your new do?

72
00:04:35,041 --> 00:04:37,839
[ Snake's Voice ]
You sent me to the chair.

73
00:04:37,944 --> 00:04:41,209
[ Gasps ]
Snake? But you're dead.

74
00:04:41,314 --> 00:04:44,283
I know you are, but what am I?

75
00:04:45,952 --> 00:04:50,412
No. No. No!

76
00:04:50,523 --> 00:04:56,155
And the fluffy kitten played with
that ball of string all through the night.
77
00:04:56,262 --> 00:04:59,561
On a lighter note, a Kwik-E-Mart clerk
was brutally murdered last night.

78
00:04:59,666 --> 00:05:02,226
- [ Gasping ]
- Oh, my God!

79
00:05:02,335 --> 00:05:04,860
That's horrible.
Who will run the Kwik-E-Mart?

80
00:05:04,971 --> 00:05:07,531
[ Slurping ]

81
00:05:07,640 --> 00:05:12,805
I'm afraid we have no leads,
but I can safely say Apu did not suffer.

82
00:05:12,912 --> 00:05:15,107
Looks to me like
he suffered a lot, Chief.

83
00:05:15,214 --> 00:05:19,150
Ah, geez, Lou. How long were you gonna
let me keep drinking this thing?

84
00:05:19,252 --> 00:05:22,744
[ Slurping ]

85
00:05:22,855 --> 00:05:24,823
Who'd do such a thing?

86
00:05:35,335 --> 00:05:37,235
<i>Ah, mornin', Homer.</i>

87
00:05:37,337 --> 00:05:39,635
Ah, you're looking unusually
focused this morning.

88
00:05:39,739 --> 00:05:42,640
[ Snake's Voice ]
Shut your squeal-hole, booze jockey.

89
00:05:42,742 --> 00:05:44,835
I'm gonna, like, totally waste you.
90
00:05:44,944 --> 00:05:47,811
Ah, somebody's a Grumpy Gus.

91
00:05:47,914 --> 00:05:49,814
- <i>What-[ Groans ]</i>
- Oh!

92
00:05:49,916 --> 00:05:52,180
- <i>[ Corkscrew Twisting ]</i>
- Oh.

93
00:05:52,285 --> 00:05:55,413
- Yoink.
- Ah, for cryin' out loud.

94
00:05:55,521 --> 00:05:57,421
[ Groans ]

95
00:05:57,523 --> 00:06:02,085
Another of Springfield's beloved citizens
was murdered today.

96
00:06:02,195 --> 00:06:06,564
Filthy old bartender Moe Szyslak
has watered down his last highball.

97
00:06:06,666 --> 00:06:10,102
Oh, my God! Everyone Snake swore revenge on
is being murdered!

98
00:06:10,203 --> 00:06:12,637
It's almost as if he's killing
from beyond the grave.

99
00:06:12,739 --> 00:06:15,264
I told you capital punishment
isn't a deterrent.

100
00:06:15,375 --> 00:06:18,833
Don't you get it?
He swore he'd kill me too. I'm next!

101
00:06:18,945 --> 00:06:22,472
[ Normal Voice ]
Don't worry. I'll protect you-
102
00:06:22,582 --> 00:06:24,846
[ Snake's Voice ]
Little dude.

103
00:06:25,985 --> 00:06:27,953
[ Banging ]

104
00:06:28,054 --> 00:06:31,512
[ Normal Voice ]
There. Now no murderers can get in.

105
00:06:32,859 --> 00:06:34,759
[ Snake's Voice ]
Or out.

106
00:06:34,861 --> 00:06:37,887
- Dad?
- You are so dead.

107
00:06:37,997 --> 00:06:39,862
No!

108
00:06:40,900 --> 00:06:43,391
Come here, you little-

109
00:06:43,503 --> 00:06:46,939
[ Goofy Laugh ]
Stop it. You're killing me!

110
00:06:47,039 --> 00:06:49,064
[ Screams ]

111
00:06:49,175 --> 00:06:53,339
- My school picture.
- Daddy would like a word with you, Barty.

112
00:06:53,446 --> 00:06:55,573
[ Gasps ]

113
00:06:55,681 --> 00:06:57,478
Help! Dad's trying to kill me!

114
00:06:57,583 --> 00:06:59,778
It's hammer time, snitchy.

115
00:07:00,686 --> 00:07:03,211
That's Snake's voice.

116
00:07:03,322 --> 00:07:05,290
Of course. The transplant.

117
00:07:05,391 --> 00:07:07,291
Somehow Snake's hair
must be controlling-

118
00:07:07,393 --> 00:07:10,089
Oh, please, Lisa.
Everyone's already figured that out.

119
00:07:10,196 --> 00:07:12,323
[ Whimpering ]

120
00:07:14,066 --> 00:07:16,830
You've got to fight the hair, Dad.

121
00:07:16,936 --> 00:07:19,427
[ Normal Voice ]
But I look so youthful and hunky.

122
00:07:19,539 --> 00:07:21,439
[ Snake's Voice ]
The kid's gotta die.

123
00:07:21,541 --> 00:07:23,441
[ Normal Voice ]
But I love my son.

124
00:07:23,543 --> 00:07:26,103
[ Snake's Voice ]
More than a lush head of hair?

125
00:07:26,212 --> 00:07:28,737
[ Normal Voice ]
Don't make me choose!

126
00:07:28,848 --> 00:07:32,011
[ Snake's Voice Laughing ]

127
00:07:33,152 --> 00:07:35,279
[ Normal Voice ]
No!
128
00:07:35,388 --> 00:07:38,255
[ Screaming ]

129
00:07:38,357 --> 00:07:41,849
- I love you, Son.
- I love you too, Dad.

130
00:07:45,131 --> 00:07:46,598
[ Screams ]

131
00:07:46,699 --> 00:07:49,896
- [ Muffled ] Get off. Get it off.
- [ Gasping ]

132
00:07:50,002 --> 00:07:51,902
I'll show you, hair!

133
00:07:52,004 --> 00:07:53,801
- [ Grunting ]
- Ow! Ow!

134
00:07:53,906 --> 00:07:56,602
Ow! That's my face, you idiot!

135
00:07:56,709 --> 00:07:58,040
Idiot? Why you little-

136
00:07:58,144 --> 00:08:01,113
- [ Choking ]
- <i>Don't you</i>-

137
00:08:01,214 --> 00:08:04,047
- I'll kill you.
- Homer Simpson, you're under arrest...

138
00:08:04,150 --> 00:08:07,916
for the murders of Moe Szyslak
and Apu Nahasa- pasa-

139
00:08:08,020 --> 00:08:09,920
Ah,just Moe.Just Moe.

140
00:08:10,022 --> 00:08:12,889
It wasn't me.
It was the hair.
141
00:08:13,926 --> 00:08:16,554
Freeze, hair ball!

142
00:08:32,011 --> 00:08:35,037
Now that's what I call
a bad hair day.

143
00:08:35,147 --> 00:08:37,115
[ Laughing ]

144
00:08:39,151 --> 00:08:42,245
May I remind you that
two people are dead?

145
00:08:42,355 --> 00:08:45,085
Oh. Wait. I just got it.
[ Laughs ]

146
00:08:45,191 --> 00:08:48,319
- [ Laughing ]
- It is funny.

147
00:08:48,427 --> 00:08:50,327
Bad hair day.

148
00:08:58,437 --> 00:09:02,100
- <i>[ Audience Oohing ]</i>
- [ Shouts ] Hey, hey!

149
00:09:02,208 --> 00:09:05,507
Tonight I'm going to suck...

150
00:09:06,946 --> 00:09:08,413
your blood.

151
00:09:08,514 --> 00:09:12,041
Okay. Get ready for the violentest,
disembowelingest...

152
00:09:12,151 --> 00:09:16,247
vomit-inducingest <i>Itchy and Scratchy</i>
Halloween special ever!

153
00:09:17,924 --> 00:09:19,824
- Hey.
- What the-
154
00:09:19,926 --> 00:09:23,191
Sorry, but if I let you watch one of
these gruesome Halloween cartoons...

155
00:09:23,296 --> 00:09:25,196
I'd be a pretty lousy mother.

156
00:09:25,298 --> 00:09:27,493
[ Groaning ]

157
00:09:27,600 --> 00:09:30,467
Why don't you kids come trick-or-treating
with Maggie and me?

158
00:09:30,570 --> 00:09:33,630
Nah, it's too early.
I need to work under cover of darkness.

159
00:09:33,739 --> 00:09:38,733
[ Groans ]
Oh, Homer, you're not going as a hobo again?

160
00:09:38,844 --> 00:09:42,644
Going where?
[ Chomping ]

161
00:09:42,748 --> 00:09:46,616
Well, we're leaving.
And remember, no Itchy and Scratchy.

162
00:09:46,719 --> 00:09:50,246
- Aw!
- I'd better take these batteries just to be sure.

163
00:09:50,356 --> 00:09:52,256
- [ Gasps ]
- Mm-hmm.

164
00:09:53,492 --> 00:09:55,392
- <i>[ Door Closes ]</i>
- <i>##[ Harmonica:Blues ]</i>

165
00:09:55,494 --> 00:09:57,962
## [ Singing ]

166
00:10:04,971 --> 00:10:06,529
## [ Ends ]

167
00:10:08,341 --> 00:10:10,901
There's gotta be some batteries
in here somewhere.

168
00:10:11,010 --> 00:10:12,978
- [ Buzzing ]
- Hmm.

169
00:10:13,079 --> 00:10:16,674
Oh, Bart, that's plutonium.
It's highly unstable!

170
00:10:16,782 --> 00:10:19,717
[ Grunting ]

171
00:10:19,819 --> 00:10:22,185
Don't you ever get tired
of being wrong?

172
00:10:22,288 --> 00:10:24,188
- [ Crackling ]
- [ Shouts ]

173
00:10:31,063 --> 00:10:32,621
[ Doorbell Rings ]

174
00:10:32,732 --> 00:10:34,927
Trick or treat!

175
00:10:35,034 --> 00:10:37,332
- What's wrong with the TV?
- [ Buzzing ]

176
00:10:37,436 --> 00:10:39,870
- Color's screwed up.
- [ Crackling ]

177
00:10:41,641 --> 00:10:43,541
Whoa! Cool.

178
00:10:43,643 --> 00:10:45,770
Bart, quit it!
[ Grunting ]
179
00:10:45,878 --> 00:10:47,778
Hey.
[ Muttering ]

180
00:10:52,985 --> 00:10:55,545
Hey, Lise, we're characters
in a cartoon.

181
00:10:55,655 --> 00:10:58,681
- How humiliating.
- [ Gasps ] Look.

182
00:11:00,292 --> 00:11:02,522
[ Laughing ]

183
00:11:07,233 --> 00:11:10,361
<i>[ Laughing ]</i>

184
00:11:12,772 --> 00:11:14,672
Why are you laughing?

185
00:11:14,774 --> 00:11:17,607
Hey. They're laughing at your pain.

186
00:11:20,379 --> 00:11:22,279
That's mean.

187
00:11:22,381 --> 00:11:25,316
Let's teach 'em a lesson.

188
00:11:26,686 --> 00:11:29,120
A cartoon ax.
I love it.

189
00:11:29,221 --> 00:11:31,519
- [ Screaming ]
- [ Screaming ]

190
00:11:34,427 --> 00:11:38,864
[ Screaming ]

191
00:11:41,867 --> 00:11:45,325
- Help! Police!
- <i>[ Siren Wailing ]</i>

192
00:11:46,405 --> 00:11:47,963
[ Sighing ]

193
00:11:48,074 --> 00:11:50,542
''To protect and sever''?

194
00:11:50,643 --> 00:11:52,873
- [ Screaming ]
- [ Revving ]

195
00:11:55,448 --> 00:11:57,313
- ## [ Humming ] Hmm.
- ## [ Orchestral ]

196
00:11:57,416 --> 00:11:59,179
- Hmm?
- [ Screaming ]

197
00:11:59,285 --> 00:12:02,482
Ooh! How are Bart and Lisa
gonna get out of this one?

198
00:12:03,656 --> 00:12:06,887
- Sorry.
- It happens.

199
00:12:06,992 --> 00:12:09,961
Hey, hey! Wiggedy, wiggedy.
Poochie's in the house.

200
00:12:10,062 --> 00:12:13,327
- [ Tires Screeching ]
- [ Groaning ]

201
00:12:13,432 --> 00:12:15,798
<i>[ Gasps ]</i>
<i>We're done for, Bart.!</i>

202
00:12:15,901 --> 00:12:18,335
Not if I know cartoons.

203
00:12:22,041 --> 00:12:24,305
Whoa!

204
00:12:24,410 --> 00:12:26,901
- Whew. That was close.
- Uh, Bart?
205
00:12:27,012 --> 00:12:29,606
Not now, Lise.
I'm trying to relax.

206
00:12:29,715 --> 00:12:32,206
<i>[ Wind Whistling ]</i>

207
00:12:32,318 --> 00:12:34,843
[ Electricity Crackling ]

208
00:12:34,954 --> 00:12:37,354
[ Screaming ]

209
00:12:38,491 --> 00:12:41,392
Boring.

210
00:12:41,494 --> 00:12:44,930
[ Slurps ]
I'm telling you, this cilantro really gives it a zing!

211
00:12:45,030 --> 00:12:46,930
Reg, there's no cilantro in it.

212
00:12:47,032 --> 00:12:48,932
- [ Screaming ]
- Oh, God!

213
00:12:49,034 --> 00:12:50,934
- Man alive. This soup is out of control!
- Oh.

214
00:12:51,036 --> 00:12:52,663
- Hey!
- [ Screams ]

215
00:12:52,772 --> 00:12:54,672
My- My eyes.
My beautiful eyes!

216
00:12:54,774 --> 00:12:58,005
Oh, that's it. I'm going home.
Dom DeLuise can interview himself.

217
00:12:58,110 --> 00:13:00,101
[ Crackling ]
218
00:13:00,212 --> 00:13:04,114
- Oh, Itchy's house. This is where we came in.
- Look!

219
00:13:04,216 --> 00:13:08,050
Dad, you gotta get us out of here!
Use the remote!

220
00:13:08,154 --> 00:13:10,486
Huh? Oh, okay.

221
00:13:10,589 --> 00:13:14,525
Let's see. Pause.
Uh, three. No. FF-

222
00:13:14,627 --> 00:13:16,595
Come on!

223
00:13:16,695 --> 00:13:18,925
[ Cranking, Squeaking ]

224
00:13:20,199 --> 00:13:23,100
Hurry, Homer!

225
00:13:23,202 --> 00:13:25,193
[ Buzzing ]

226
00:13:25,304 --> 00:13:27,704
- [ Screaming ]
- [ Chomping ]

227
00:13:27,807 --> 00:13:29,775
Ooh, that is gonna hurt tomorrow.

228
00:13:29,875 --> 00:13:31,775
Dad, push ''exit.''

229
00:13:31,877 --> 00:13:33,868
Hmm.

230
00:13:37,149 --> 00:13:39,014
- Hey.
- Aaah!

231
00:13:39,118 --> 00:13:41,484
Lisa, look out! A skeleton!

232
00:13:46,425 --> 00:13:48,325
Aah!

233
00:13:50,529 --> 00:13:52,429
- [ Sighing ]
- <i>[ Banging ]</i>

234
00:13:52,531 --> 00:13:54,431
[ Laughing ]

235
00:13:54,533 --> 00:13:56,592
[ Screaming ]

236
00:13:56,702 --> 00:13:58,602
[ Growling ]

237
00:13:59,805 --> 00:14:02,672
[ Giggles ]
Look how cute they are.

238
00:14:02,775 --> 00:14:04,640
[ Squeaking ]

239
00:14:04,743 --> 00:14:07,473
[ Laughs ]
Look at him go.

240
00:14:07,580 --> 00:14:09,571
[ Purring ]

241
00:14:09,682 --> 00:14:13,140
- [ Heart Beating ]
- You're beautiful.

242
00:14:13,252 --> 00:14:16,119
Aw, somebody's in love.

243
00:14:16,222 --> 00:14:18,850
That means you'll
have to be neutered.

244
00:14:18,958 --> 00:14:22,394
No!
245
00:14:30,402 --> 00:14:33,428
Here comes the flying saucer.

246
00:14:33,539 --> 00:14:36,804
[ Crying ]

247
00:14:36,909 --> 00:14:39,104
- What's wrong with Stinky?
- She's teething.

248
00:14:39,211 --> 00:14:42,806
- Look. Her very first baby tooth.
- <i>[ Homer ] Aw</i>-

249
00:14:42,915 --> 00:14:45,145
- <i>Ew.!</i>
- <i>[ Bart ] Disgusting.</i>

250
00:14:45,251 --> 00:14:49,153
- Ugh. I just lost my appetite.
- Me too.

251
00:14:49,255 --> 00:14:52,554
Wait. Mine came back.
[ Chomping ]

252
00:14:52,658 --> 00:14:56,219
- [ Fussing ]
- I know how to cheer you up.

253
00:14:56,328 --> 00:14:58,990
This little piggy
went to Kwik-E-Mart.

254
00:14:59,098 --> 00:15:00,998
This little piggy went nuts.

255
00:15:01,100 --> 00:15:03,534
This little piggy went surfing.

256
00:15:03,636 --> 00:15:07,163
And this little piggy went-
[ Gasps ] Oh!

257
00:15:07,273 --> 00:15:10,800
Look, Marge!
Maggie lost her baby legs.

258
00:15:10,910 --> 00:15:12,878
Oh, my God.

259
00:15:17,249 --> 00:15:19,410
[ Gasping ]

260
00:15:19,518 --> 00:15:21,418
Homer, do something.

261
00:15:21,520 --> 00:15:23,647
The ceiling's not a safe place
for a young baby.

262
00:15:23,756 --> 00:15:26,281
[ Sighs ]
All right, I got it.

263
00:15:26,392 --> 00:15:28,587
[ Muttering ]
Come on. Get off the-

264
00:15:28,694 --> 00:15:30,457
[ Hissing ]

265
00:15:30,562 --> 00:15:34,555
[ Shouting ]

266
00:15:34,667 --> 00:15:37,295
Bad baby!

267
00:15:37,403 --> 00:15:40,463
Oh. She's entering
the terrible twos, all right.

268
00:15:42,207 --> 00:15:47,235
It's probably nothing,
but we just wanted to be sure.

269
00:15:47,346 --> 00:15:50,144
- Aah!
- Is there anything you can prescribe, Doctor?

270
00:15:50,249 --> 00:15:52,513
Fire, and lots of it.

271
00:15:52,618 --> 00:15:54,950
Oh, that's your cure for everything.

272
00:15:56,722 --> 00:15:59,088
[ Rattles ]

273
00:15:59,191 --> 00:16:01,250
- [ Squeaks ]
- Poor, Maggie.

274
00:16:01,360 --> 00:16:03,885
If only you could tell us
what's happening to you.

275
00:16:22,147 --> 00:16:26,208
Commander Kang, receiving transmission
from Infant Pod 1 3.

276
00:16:26,318 --> 00:16:30,448
Holy flirking shnit.
What's the message?

277
00:16:30,556 --> 00:16:33,787
''Larval stage completed.

278
00:16:33,892 --> 00:16:35,985
''Standing by for orders.

279
00:16:36,095 --> 00:16:39,428
Experiencing terrible rash.
Over.''

280
00:16:39,531 --> 00:16:41,624
Ensign Kodos, set coordinates...

281
00:16:41,734 --> 00:16:45,397
for the obscure T-shirt-producing planet
known as Earth.

282
00:16:45,504 --> 00:16:48,530
It's time I paid a visit to...

283
00:16:48,640 --> 00:16:52,599
- my daughter.
- [ Gulps ]

284
00:16:52,711 --> 00:16:55,578
- We'll return with
<i>How Dracula Got His Groove Back.</i>
- <i>[ Doorbell Rings ]</i>

285
00:16:57,983 --> 00:17:00,508
Hello- Oh, great. Mormons.

286
00:17:00,619 --> 00:17:03,588
Actually, we're
Quantum Presbyterians.

287
00:17:03,689 --> 00:17:05,589
And we've come to see...

288
00:17:05,691 --> 00:17:08,125
- my daughter.
- [ Squeaks ]

289
00:17:09,428 --> 00:17:12,261
[ Groans ]
Oh, Lord.

290
00:17:12,364 --> 00:17:14,298
I was hoping this day
would never come.

291
00:17:14,400 --> 00:17:16,368
Huh? What are you talking about?

292
00:17:16,468 --> 00:17:18,436
You mean you never told him?

293
00:17:18,537 --> 00:17:22,803
Oh, I guess I've been in denial.

294
00:17:22,908 --> 00:17:26,742
Homer, Kang is Maggie's father.

295
00:17:26,845 --> 00:17:29,575
[ Gasps ]
You intergalactic hussy!

296
00:17:29,681 --> 00:17:34,243
How could you?
[ Sobbing ]

297
00:17:34,353 --> 00:17:38,187
- Was he better than me?
- It all happened about two years ago.

298
00:17:38,290 --> 00:17:40,952
<i>There I was having a great time</i>
<i>in the backyard...</i>

299
00:17:41,060 --> 00:17:44,496
<i>when without warning,</i>
<i>I was abducted by aliens.</i>

300
00:17:44,596 --> 00:17:48,862
<i>[ Kang ]</i>
<i>Warning.! Warning.! Prepare to be abducted.</i>

301
00:17:50,702 --> 00:17:53,034
Huh?

302
00:17:54,540 --> 00:17:56,770
[ Groans ]

303
00:17:56,875 --> 00:18:01,938
Congratulations. You have been selected
for our crossbreeding program.

304
00:18:02,047 --> 00:18:03,981
To put you at ease,
we have re-created...

305
00:18:04,083 --> 00:18:08,213
the most common spawning locations
of your species.

306
00:18:08,320 --> 00:18:11,756
You may choose either
the backseat of a Camaro...

307
00:18:11,857 --> 00:18:15,122
<i>an airplane bathroom,</i>
<i>a friend's wedding...</i>

308
00:18:15,227 --> 00:18:17,991
<i>or the alley behind a porno theater.</i>
309
00:18:18,097 --> 00:18:22,158
I absolutely refuse
to go along with this.

310
00:18:22,267 --> 00:18:25,293
But since I have no choice,
I'll take the alley.

311
00:18:28,407 --> 00:18:30,671
Initiate fertilization procedure.

312
00:18:30,776 --> 00:18:33,301
[ Yawns ]

313
00:18:33,412 --> 00:18:35,676
Oh, you look lovely this evening.

314
00:18:35,781 --> 00:18:38,978
- Have you decreased in mass?
- <i>[ Marge Narrating ] I tried to resist...</i>

315
00:18:39,084 --> 00:18:42,576
<i>but they applied powerful</i>
<i>mind-confusion techniques.</i>

316
00:18:42,688 --> 00:18:44,656
Look! Behind you!

317
00:18:44,756 --> 00:18:48,419
- Insemination complete.
- Really? That seemed awfully quick.

318
00:18:48,527 --> 00:18:50,461
- What are you implying?
- Nothing. Nothing.

319
00:18:50,562 --> 00:18:52,496
Whoa. Wow.
Look at the time.

320
00:18:52,598 --> 00:18:55,624
I'd love to stay, but I have
an early meeting tomorrow.

321
00:18:55,734 --> 00:18:59,636
You're a super girl though.
I'll call you sometime.

322
00:19:00,539 --> 00:19:02,166
[ Shouts ]

323
00:19:02,274 --> 00:19:05,471
Nine months later,
I gave birth to Maggie.

324
00:19:05,577 --> 00:19:08,774
And now she must return home
to Rigel VII...

325
00:19:08,881 --> 00:19:13,614
where she will be guaranteed
a lucrative civil service job for life.

326
00:19:13,719 --> 00:19:15,619
Well, we can't compete with that, but-

327
00:19:15,721 --> 00:19:19,282
- But nothing. Get your slime-less hands off her.
- [ Grunting ]

328
00:19:19,391 --> 00:19:22,326
People! People! Space monsters.
This is going nowhere.

329
00:19:22,427 --> 00:19:25,624
There's only one man who can settle
an argument this bizarre.

330
00:19:25,731 --> 00:19:29,292
- <i>##[ Pop ]</i>
- <i>[ Audience Chanting ]Jerry.!Jerry.!Jerry.!</i>

331
00:19:31,036 --> 00:19:33,732
Okay, we're back.
Homer, how did it feel to learn...

332
00:19:33,839 --> 00:19:36,865
<i>your baby was fathered by</i>
<i>a drooling space octopus?</i>

333
00:19:36,975 --> 00:19:40,570
It made me angry,Jerry.
Angry and tired.

334
00:19:40,679 --> 00:19:42,874
Well, you're about to get
a whole lot angrier...

335
00:19:42,981 --> 00:19:45,506
because we have the extramarital
extraterrestrial backstage...

336
00:19:45,617 --> 00:19:48,177
<i>in a soundproofbooth</i>
<i>where he can't hear us.</i>

337
00:19:48,287 --> 00:19:50,187
I hear all.

338
00:19:50,289 --> 00:19:52,621
Ladies and gentlemen, meet Kang.

339
00:19:52,724 --> 00:19:56,524
- <i>[ Audience Cheering ]</i>
- Hey! Yeah!

340
00:19:59,097 --> 00:20:02,965
- Mmm.
- <i>Whoo.!</i>

341
00:20:03,068 --> 00:20:05,536
One-eyed, two-timing- [ Bleeping ]
I'm gonna- [ Bleeping ]

342
00:20:05,637 --> 00:20:11,098
Oh, yeah? Well- [ Bleeping ] hyperbolic
paraboloid- [ Bleeping ] your mama.

343
00:20:14,947 --> 00:20:17,472
Yeah, I got a question
for that gross thing, whatever it is.

344
00:20:17,583 --> 00:20:19,847
- Homer.
- Nah, the green dude.

345
00:20:19,952 --> 00:20:22,750
If you're that baby's daddy,
where you been at?
346
00:20:22,854 --> 00:20:25,186
- <i>[ Audience Affirming ]</i>
- [ Groans ]

347
00:20:25,290 --> 00:20:29,158
You know, somebody needs to learn
your green ass some responsibility.

348
00:20:29,261 --> 00:20:31,786
- <i>[ Audience ] Yeah.!</i>
- [ Screams ]

349
00:20:31,897 --> 00:20:35,697
Now hold on, Kang. You can't bully
my audience with your fancy ray gun.

350
00:20:35,801 --> 00:20:38,929
[ Screaming ]

351
00:20:40,138 --> 00:20:42,106
And now for my final thought.

352
00:20:42,207 --> 00:20:46,268
Nobody wins when parents put their petty
squabbles above the welfare of a child.

353
00:20:46,378 --> 00:20:50,644
<i>Let's hope they put their differences aside</i>
<i>and do what's best for Maggie.</i>

354
00:20:50,749 --> 00:20:53,718
- [ Hissing ]
- Ow! What the- [ Bleeps ]

355
00:20:53,819 --> 00:20:56,549
Get the- [ Bleeps ] baby off.
[ Bleeps ] Son of a- [ Bleeps ]

356
00:20:56,655 --> 00:20:58,782
[ Groaning ]

357
00:21:01,793 --> 00:21:05,229
<i>##[ Pop ]</i>

358
00:21:05,330 --> 00:21:07,423
I'm so- [ Bleeps ]
embarrassed.

359
00:21:07,532 --> 00:21:09,432
<i>##[ Ends ]</i>

360
00:21:09,534 --> 00:21:13,368
I can't believe it.
Jerry Springer didn't solve our conflict.

361
00:21:13,472 --> 00:21:18,000
- And now he's dead.
- Anyhoo, this is your last chance.

362
00:21:18,110 --> 00:21:20,476
Turn over the baby now.

363
00:21:20,579 --> 00:21:24,345
Or we will destroy all
your leaders in Washington.

364
00:21:24,449 --> 00:21:28,283
Oh, you couldn't destroy
<i>every</i> politician.

365
00:21:28,387 --> 00:21:30,582
Just watch us.

366
00:21:30,689 --> 00:21:33,351
[ Laughing ]

367
00:21:35,594 --> 00:21:37,619
[ Bart ]
Don't forget Ken Starr!

368
00:21:39,498 --> 00:21:41,398
Suckers.

369
00:21:41,500 --> 00:21:44,663
Come on, Maggie.
Let's go home.

370
00:21:44,770 --> 00:21:47,705
- [ Alien Voice ] Very well. I'll drive.
- [ All Gasping ]

371
00:21:47,806 --> 00:21:52,175
[ Maniacal Laughter]

372
00:21:53,512 --> 00:21:56,003
<i>I need blood.</i>

373
00:22:38,857 --> 00:22:41,485
<i>[ Regis ]</i>
<i>My eyes.! My beautiful eyes.!</i>

9999
00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00
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