Discussion Board 6: SAY YES Mediation – April 2019

Option 1: Conduct a SAY YES Conflict Mediation

STEP ONE: S Share the Problem (State What They Want)

I asked two of my adult children if I could mediate a low-impact conflict between them. For
step one, I asked them to take turns sharing the problem and stating what they want. My
daughter complained that whenever she comes home from school for the weekend, the
bathroom they share is really dirty, and she wants her brother to keep it cleaner. My son
complained that he shouldn’t have to clean it for her, because he pays rent. He wants her to
use a different bathroom (which doesn’t exist) or clean it herself.

STEP TWO: A Alternative Approach

I asked each if they would be willing to try resolving the conflict a different way and go for a
WIN/WIN solution. They agreed.

STEP THREE: Y Your Ground Rules

I asked if they would agree to abide by “mutually identified ground rules.” My son thought I
was asking him to sweep the bathroom floor, so I explained that, no, we were setting rules for
mediation. I gave examples, and they came up with the following: “No leaving until the issue is
resolved,” “One person talks at a time,” “No yelling,” and “Take turns holding the (pet) bird.”

STEP FOUR: Y You Listen to their Wants

At first my kids were doing this just to help me out and were a little silly, until we reached this
step. I explained one would listen and ask questions for understanding, while the other
explained their wants.

My son explained his side, sharing his assumption that, since he pays rent, he should control his
living space; also, it takes time to clean, and he’s been really busy with school. At first, my
daughter asked pointed questions like, “Do you really think you never should share the
bathroom?” I coached her to focus on his experience and ask instead, “Why is this important to
you?” He explained he’d had to share a bathroom all his life and enjoyed finally having a space
all to himself. When my daughter reflected on his feelings, she sensed his resentment at having
to give up that space whenever she came home from college.

Then, they switched roles, and my daughter explained her concerns about cleanliness and
health issues, and how having a grungy bathroom grossed her out. She mentioned her positive
experience sharing a bathroom with a roommate. He asked what they did, specifically, that
made it work, and what happened when it didn’t, and she was able to share some of her
experiences. He then reflected back that it seemed like she feels uneasy when it’s messy. She
agreed, and appeared relieved that he understood.

At this point, I couldn’t tell if we were done. They seemed clearer, although my son was less
enthusiastic. I asked if they felt the issue was resolved, and my son thought we should dig
deeper.

STEP FIVE: E Expected Results

I asked each person, “If you get what you want, what will you have that you didn’t have
before?” My son said he wanted to share the load, so it wasn’t all on him to keep it clean. My
daughter wanted a drawer of her own. They collaboratively realized there was an extra drawer
that was full of junk but wasn’t being used.

STEP SIX: S Steps Forward (Create an Action Plan)

We now identified Action Steps: my daughter agreed to clean the drawer this weekend and
begin using it for her stuff; my son promised to clean the whole bathroom himself after finals
next week. From then on they would divide up the chores.

____

Add any additional observations you may think pertinent:

I liked writing down the “wants” and ground rules but trying to post them so they were visible
didn’t work as well and detracted from the proceedings.

Reflections on the SAY YES mediation activity:

I LOVED the SAY YES mediation technique!! It was so much fun to practice it with my family,
and I could see it changing the way they thought about conflict. I can see its value in
transforming conflict. I feel somewhat confident in using it but would like more opportunities to
practice. After doing it with my family, I realized how much I enjoy conflict mediation and am
interested in learning more about it.