THE REFUND Fritz Karinthy |1

(Have Introduced a new subject, Alien Literature and their life span calculations. An analysis on how
to measure their coffin)
THE PRINICIPAL: Kya hai? Itna bhaag kyun raha hai? Koi Gay peeche pad gaya kya?
THE SERVANT: Pata nahin sir, ek aadmi hai, aapke peeche padhna chahta hai. Matlab aapse milna
chahta hai.
THE PRINCIPAL: I receive parents only during office hours. The particular office hours are posted in
the notice-board. Tell him that. Jaa bhagaa usey!
THE SERVANT: Parent Nahin hai toh? Matlab wo parent nahin hai.
THE PRINCIPAL: Koi student hai?
THE SERVANT: Nahin….matlab… uski daadi mooch hai…
THE Principal: Daadi agar mooch hai…. toh daadi kya hai?
The Servant: Sir matlab? Wo naa toh parent hai, na student hai,
THE PRINICPAL: Not a parent and not a student. Then what is he?
THE SERVANT: bole ki unko log ‘Gyani Bheja’ bulaate hain.
THE PRINICIPAL: dikhne mein kaisa hai? Bewakoof ya shaana?
THE SERVANT: Dikhne mein theek thaak hee hai sir.
THE PRINICPAL: Good! Then he’s not a school inspector. Andar bhejo usko.
GYANI BHEJA: How do you do?
THE PRINICPAL: main kaise bhee karun usse tereko kya? What can I do for you?
GYANI BHEJA: I’m Gyani Bheja. [He pauses] Don’t you remember me?
THE PRINCIPAL: Achcha? nahin. Kyun aaye ho, ye aap jaldi batayenge toh meherbaani hogi, ghar
jaane ka waqt hogaya hai.
GYANI BHEJA: Kya? aap mujhe nahin jaante? Arey sir gyaani! School ke manual mein toh likha hai
ki main kabhi bhee aa sakta hun yahan par.
THE PRINICPAL: Haan toh? Hum toh apne lihaaz se likh dete hain. Kayi saare ghar apr likha hota
hai welcome.. toh kya ghus jaaoge? Waise bhee kahan likha hai manual mein Dikhaao?
GYANI BHEJA: Mr. Principal, if you please, I’m Gyani Bheja.
THE PRINCIPAL: honge toh? Khair, batayiye kya seva kar sakte hain aapki? Aapke bete ka
admission karana hai? Ya kisi aur ka?
GYANI BHEJA: You mean to say aapko mera naam yaad nahin hai? Mujhe maalum thaa ki aapko
main yaad nahin rahunga. Aapko toh koi farak nahin padta hoga na, kisike pass hone mein, fail hone
mein, yaad rakhne mein bhoolne mein nahin?. Well, Mr. Principal, yaad kee jiye, bas yahin koi 18
saal pehle ki baat hai, main is school mein student thaa
THE PRINICPAL: bas? 18 saal? Yahan 18 ghanta pehle, ghanta meri zindagi mein kya hua thaa, ye
yaad nahin hai, aap 18 saal ki baat kar rahe ho? Kya problem kya hai tumhari yaar, tum toh ek dum
sar pe hee chadhe jaa rahe hi. Theek hai, toh rahe hoge?abhi kya chahiye? Certificate ya TC? Office
close ho gaya hai, kal aakar milna. Next!
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GYANI BHEJA: Ek min ek min, ye dekhiye…Ye school ka leaving certificate main apne saath laaya
hun. Iske bina mujhe nahin lagta mujhe koi problem hogi.. toh samajh leejiye iske liye main yahan par
nahin aaya.
THE PRINCIPAL: Toh kyun aaye ho? Tum kya gas ho, jo kabhi bhee bina wajah aate ho? Ghuma
firaake baat math karo? Bolo kya kaam hai. Mujhe aur bhee kaam hai. Ye kya hai? Application? Kya?
Kya hai ye? Ulta kyun likha hai?
GYANI BHEJA: Principal ho, padhna bhee dhang se nahin aata?
Prinicpal: As a former student of this school I want you to refund the tuition fees, which were paid to
you for my education eighteen years ago.? You want me to refund your tuition fees? Ye uchcha koti
ka weed kahan se mila? Dimaag kharab hogaya hai tumhara? School fees ka Refund chahiye?
GYANI BHEJA: Tu chup be…Exactly; I want my school fees back. Agar main aur logon ki tarah
raees hota toh bolta rakh le maamu, so far as I’m concerned. What the hell…! But I’m not a rich man,
and I need the money.
THE PRINCIPAL: tu kya? Matlab aap kya bol rahe hain.. kuch samajh nahin aa raha hai?
GYANI BHEJA: Dammit, I want my school fees back! Itna samajh nahin aata? Jaayiye board par sau
baar likhiye..
THE PRINICPAL: shaant shaant bachche.. but abhee. Why do you want it back?
GYANI BHEJA: Because I didn’t get my money’s worth, that’s why! This certificate here says I got
an education. Well, I didn’t. I didn’t learn anything and I want my money back.
THE PRINCIPAL: hey bhagwaan. Kiska chehra dekh kar uthaa main aaj. Kuch samajh mein nahin aa
raha. Aisa refund kaun poochta hai yaar! Kya online shopping hai? Pasand nahin aaya, toh refund
karo. Wo bhee 18 saal ke baad! Pagalpan lagta hai ye toh!
GYANI BHEJA: Pagal pan haan? Ye aapko pagalpan lagta hai? It’s such a good idea that I didn’t get
it out of my own head, thanks to the education I got here, which made nothing but an incompetent ass
out of me. Wo toh bhagwaan ke roop mein, mujhe 10 din pehle, Chatur Singh mila..usne mujhe ye
idea diya
THE PRINICPAL: Ab ye kaun khatarnak praani hai jisne tumhe idea diya? Kitne log aise ghoom rahe
hain bhai?
GYANI BHEJA: Hello sir. Please! Aaphee ne taiyaar kiya hai aise logon ko. Main toh raste se jaa
raha thaa, naukri se nikaala gaya thaa, paison ke liye tadap raha tha… (raste pe jaa raha thaa…)
kangaal ho gaya thaa. Tabhi mujhe mila chatur. I said, aur bhai, kya haal chaal sab theek? Bola sab
theek hai. Kabhi aana haweli pe. Lekin aaj nahin. Aaj na mereko wo IPL ke player statistics analysis
karke bhejna hai. Aur batting aur bowling average calculate karke bhejna hai. Toh I ll meet you
somether day. Mujhe toh kuch samajh hee nahin aaya. Maine use poocha, kaise karte hain ye? Toh wo
hanste hanste lot pot hogaya, fir usne bola, agar ye bhee tereko nahin aata toh jaa, school jaa, aur
refund lele. Tere school mein tereko kuch sikhaaya hee nahin. Aur jo sikhaaye usko tu istemaal kar
nahin sakta. Baith ke tere calculus aur trigonometry ko chutney mein doboke khaale… khaana zaroor
han…!!
Then he hurried away and left me standing there, and I said to myself, ‘baat toh sahi hai be?’ He’s
right, maine iske baare mein kaafi socha. Bahut kuch jo aapne sikhaaya hai, wo toh mere kaam ki hai
hee nahin. Agar main kuch khareedun aur wo mere kaam ki nahin toh main refund leta hun. Toh iska
kyun nahin. So I came here as fast as I could, and I’ll be much obliged if you give me back my school
fees, because they amount to a lot of money, and I didn’t get anything for them.
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THE PRINCIPAL: Seriously?… ye kaise ho sakta hai…matlab… aaj tak, we’ve never had a request
like yours before. Ye kaun kambaqt chatur hai jo ulta seedha raita felaa raha hai? Chutney ke saath? –
GYANI BHEJA: He’s a good friend, Chatur. Maine usko ye bhee bola hai, ki jaise hee mere paise
milenge, humlog party karenge.
THE PRINICPAL: party karne liye school se refund? You – you are not really serious, are you?
GYANI BHEJA: main apni zindagi mein itna serious kabhi nahin hua. Agar mere paise nahin miley
na, toh I’ll go straight to the Ministry of Education and complain about you! You took my money and
you taught me nothing. Now I’m no good for anything, and I can’t do the things that I should have
learned in school.
THE PRINCIPAL: You’re mad! My dear sir, – er – Gyani Bheja, Mujhe thoda waqt do,. Main ek
committee bithaakar iski jaanch karunga, taaki tere jaise koi aur suffer na kare! Thanks for bringing it
to my notice. 2 din baad main khud call karke tumko bataunga ki kya status hai. Abhi ke liye, if you
can excuse me?
GYANI BHEJA: No, no! You don’t get rid of me so easily. Aaj sab settle karke hee jaaunga aur jaane
doonga. Mujhe yahan par paison ke badle shiksha dee gayi thee ki main kuch banun zindagi mein,
baap ke ilaawa kuch aur nahin ban paaya; but I can’t do anything else because I was taught so badly,
aur jo bhee meri shakal aur akal dekhega wo ye hee kahega, kya ullu aadmi hai be, bhai ko toh kuch
pata hee nahin. U see as per law,
THE PRINICIPAL: arey! Kaun saala aisa kehta hai, matlab, kaun sa law, aisa kehta hai..waise bhee,
you luk smart and sharp What makes you think you can’t do anything?
GYANI BHEJA: Everybody thinks so. Yahan tak mera beta bhee, papa, papa, kehne ki bajaye, flopa
flopa kehta hai… If I get a job I can’t keep it. Interviews crack nahin kar paata.. kya matlab…
Principal: Hum kaise maanle? Bhai aisa bhee toh ho sakta hai na, ki saamne waala choosa ho..
tumhara beta abhee bachcha hai, bachche bhagwaan ke roop hote hain, bhagwaan Mazak nahin kar
sakte? Khamokha pareshan ho rahe ho. Aur bhai, berojgaar toh itne log hai bharat mein ki kya kahe?
Tum toh keh rahe ho school ne tumhe kuch sikhaaya nahin, isiliye koi kaam nahin deta, aur yahan toh
IIT mein padhe log bhee, aaj kal khade hoke, joke sunaa rahe hain, wo bhee ghatiya….tum toh yaar
topper they school mein…
GYani Bheja: Bakwas bandh karo.. Give me an examination and prove it ki main akal se angvikal
nahin hun. Call in the masters and let them say.
THE PRINICIPAL: matlab aap ajeeb ho bhai..ek dum niraale.. yahan log exam ke naam par geele ho
jaate hain, aur aap ko exam dena hai.
GYANI BHEJA: Yes. I’ve a right to take one. And you cannot deny my right.
THE PRINICIPAL: Kya museebat hai yaar! [He scratches his head] I’ve never heard of anything like
it before. I shall have to consult the staff. I shall have to call a conference… pls you wait in the
waiting room and give me a few minutes!
GYANI BHEJA: Ok, be quick. I’ve got no time to waste.
THE PRINICIPAL: Ask the staff to come here. Ek ajeeb conference ke liye!
THE SERVANT: Sirji… 2-3 sir madam honge, aur wo bhee jaante hain ki, aapne meeting rakha toh
2-3 ghante se pehle nahin chodne waale, toh aap hee chaliye staff room aur main idhar dekhleta hun.
 THE REFUND Fritz Karinthy |4

THE PRINCIPAL: Staff, Ek bahut hee wahyad samasya aan padi hai. Na kabhi dekha na kabhi suna.
Mere ab tak ke career mein maine toh aisa choohe ki poonch saanp bante kabhi nahin dekha. Aur aage
aisa naa ho, yahee aasha karta hun. Kyun aisa hua toh, hamari buniyaad hee hil jaayegi. Sorry, staff, I
shall open the conference. A former student has come to see me named Gyani Bheja. He brought up a
question, which I’ve never come across in my many years of experience. [He explodes] I have never
heard of anything like it.
THE PRINICIPAL: He wants – he wants his tuition fees back.
Staff: Why?
THE PRINCIPAL: Because he’s lost his job. Because he’s broke. Because he’s an ass. I should be
glad to have you express your views on this non sensical case.
THE PHYSICS MASTER: Ye toh hona hee thaa. The law of conservation of energy proves that any
given student will lose, in any given period, as much knowledge as a teacher can drill into his head in
another period of like duration.
THE HISTORY MASTER: There is nothing like it in the history of civilization. It is said that the
some tribal people learned nothing and forgot nothing. If that is true.
THE PHYSICS MASTER: The law of conservation of energy – [The two argue]
THE MATHEMATICS MASTER: The question is, does he want the amount with simple or
compound interest, because in the latter event – Where is the fellow, anyhow?
THE PRINCIPAL: He’s waiting outside. He wants to be re-examined. He says he learned nothing. He
says a re-examination will prove it. Main ye jaan na chahta hun ki is samay is samasya ka samdhaan
kya ho sakta hai?
THE MATHEMATICS MASTER: A re-examination? Mujhe lagta haiki re exam karwaane mein koi
dikkat nahin honi chahiye. Agar wo fail hogaya toh we all will be in an awkward position; therefore
he must not fail. Mujhe lagta hai usko school mein kaafi kuch sikhaya gaya hai. Agar usne nahin
seekha hai to isme hamari kya ghalati? Toh aisa karte hain, We will not make our questions too
difficult – agreed? Hum ek bahu thee shatir, sarfira, kootnetigya student se bhidne jaa rahe hain, who
will try to get the better of us – and his money back – by hook or crook. We must checkmate him.
THE PHYSICS MASTER: haaan sahee kaha? Lekin kaise?
THE MATHEMATICS MASTER: By sticking together. The object is to prevent him from failing,
because if he fails he succeeds. That we must stop. If he fails, tomorrow there will be two more
former students, and the next day a dozen. Hume ek doosre ka saath dena hoga, so that this painful
affair does not become a scandal. We will ask him questions. Whatever his answers are, we shall. (All
laugh)
THE PRINCIPAL: Dekhleejiye koi gadbad na ho? Suppose it gets into the newspapers – Gyaani ko
bulaao. Naam bhee toh dekho, gyaani bheja!
THE STAFF: Good afternoon Student?
GYANI BHEJA: kaun ho be tumlog? Saale item girls ka job cheen ne aaye ho kya? AnywaySit down,
you loafers!
THE PRINCIPAL: How dare you –
THE MATHEMATICS MASTER: Please! Sit down, you loafers! My dear sir, the greeting you have
just given us shows that you understand the patriarchal manners, which we impress upon everybody
 THE REFUND Fritz Karinthy |5

in this institution. Exactly Gurukul jab bharatvarsha mein hote they, teachers and students mein
perfect equality hoti thee. Jaise ki guruji apne shishya ko bolte they, ab jawab bhaunk, to shishya
kehta thaa… bow bow bow… You have shown us, in a most tactful way, that you approve of our
customs. That is good of you, and I am sure my colleagues will agree that the student Gyani Bheja, jo
ki re-examination dene aaye hain, inki hum sajjanata aur shishtaachar ki pariksha se, I mean
gentlemaniyat aur manneriyat ki exam se bari karte hain.. We waive the examination in that subject,
and mark him ‘Excellent.’
THE PRINCIPAL: Quite right! Quite right! ‘Manners: Excellent.’
GYANI BHEJA: All right, if you say so. Kya chuityapa hai yaar!…! I don’t give a damn for this
guruji. Main itna toh jaanta hun ki sirf aapke gentlemaniyat ke buniyaad par main is not going to pass
the examination. Let me fail as quickly as possible, and paise leke niklun. Everything else is just
nonsense.
THE PRINCIPAL: We agree with you. Aapki tehzeeb aur lihaaz se hume koi lena dena nahin hai. We
will examine you, and you will be judged entirely by your replies to our questions. Dhyaan mein rahe
ye baat.
GYANI BHEJA: All right, carry on! Let me hear the questions. I need money. Go to it! Ask me
questions, professors – I mean, dumb asses! Main bhee dekhun mujhse sahi jawab kaise nikalwaate
ho!. Jaani hum wo keede hain jo ghode ko bhee kaudi ke bhaav mein lekar aajaye!
THE PRINCIPAL: The examination will begin. Itihaas, history. Sir, hello, itihaas ke teacher ho
aap..jaago, aapko sona nahin sulaana hai?
THE HISTORY MASTER: Gyani Bheja, beta bilkul math ghabraana..baitho bhai, araamse baitho,
aur batao?
GYANI BHEJA: Aur kya sab mataji ki kripa hai, 2 bachche ek biwi hai, baaki aise hee duniyma mein
chutiyapa toh chal hee raha hai.. itihaas gawah hai..aapko hee dekhleejiye! Chilla math be, baith kar
teri bak bak sunne nahin aaya idhar… itihaas ke langoor ke pooch mein chipi cheeti ki moo ki thoonk!
THE MATHEMATICS MASTER: Waah! Kya, tez dimaag hai..waah…Bravo! Excellent! Gyani
Bheja wishes us to understand two things. Ki who baith kar pariksha dena pasand nahin karte. Isiliye
unko likhaayi se mukt kiya jaata hai aur sirf moo boli jawab ke aadhar par paas nahin kiya jayega, jab
tak who sahi jawab nahin dete.. Good! He will not be seated; he will stand. Also mujhe lagta hai ki his
physical condition is splendid, and I take it upon myself to award him an ‘Excellent’ in physical
culture. I ask the Principal, who teaches that subject, to agree and make a note of it.
THE PRINCIPAL: right Right. ‘Physical Culture: Excellent’
GYANI BHEJA: No! You got me for once this time, didn’t you? Well, you won’t do it again. Hum
thodese beparwah kya hue aaptoh behaya, be ghairat aur bakery ki sade hue egg puff ke chilke
bangaye! Ab se main apni aankh, kaan sab kholkar dhyaan se sununga.
THE PRINCIPAL: ‘Alertness: Very Good’
THE HISTORY MASTER: ‘Perseverance: Unusual.’
THE MATHEMATICS MASTER: ‘Logic: Excellent.’
GYANI BHEJA: Sawal pooch be! Khachur puchur dimaag math chaato, saale chataute! Main agar
Pradhan mantri bana toh tum sab ko… chee… kaun keechad mein paththar pheke!
THE MATHEMATICS MASTER: ‘Ambition: Boundless.’history sir, sawal poocho!
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THE HISTORY MASTER: Yes, yes, just a minute.

GYANI BHEJA: Kya hua be? Sahee se padhayi nahin kee kya? Sote hue machchar ki hilti hui
antenna!
THE HISTORY MASTER: Ek minute please! Allow me to concentrate!
GYANI BHEJA: Oh, you can’t think of a question that’s easy enough? Tu toh hamesha se hee ghochu
hai. DImaag lada thodasa
THE HISTORY MASTER: Ladayi! Kalmuhe, kal ke munne is sawal ka jawab de! 18 din ki
Mahabharat kitne din chali?
GYANI BHEJA: Atha..I mean to say, I don’t know.
THE HISTORY MASTER: Please mere sawal ka jawab do! I am sure tum jaante ho! Give me the
answer! (all teachers, tan tanaa tan tan tan taara, 9*2 hogaye athaara) Well, well?
GYANI BHEJA: Mr. Principal, this is no way to run an examination. Ye log mujhe cheating karne
par majboor kar rahe hain.
THE PRINCIPAL: Achcha? 18 baar maine tumse kaha hai, ki aisi harkat na karo, lekin 18 baar bolne
ke baad bhee, tum nahin samajhte ki 18 baar bolna, kitna mushkil hai! Samjhe 18? Matlab theek hai
gyaani?
GYANI BHEJA: 18 din ki Mahabharat kitne din chali?? Was that the question?
THE HISTORY MASTER: Yes, yes!
GYANI BHEJA: I know! Exactly seven meters! Ha, ha! Seven meters! Mujhw maalum hai itni hee
lambi chali thee. It’s possible I’m wrong, and if I am, I fail. 7 metre! Ha, ha! 7 metre lambaa! Seven
meters! Please give me back my school fees.
THE HISTORY MASTER: Seven meters? Ek dum sahee jawaab! Your answer is excellent.
GYANI BHEJA: Kyaa? Kya bola be? Kaise? Abbey 7 metre bola maine! Try to understand!
THE HISTORY MASTER: The answer is correct, as a matter of fact. The candidate has shown us
that his thought processes are not merely superficial, and that he has investigated the subject in
accordance with modern researches based on – based on – based on –
THE MATHEMATICS MASTER: Einstein theory of Relativity, of course. The quantum theory.
Planck. Einstein. It’s all very simple. Ab aap kuch math kahiye. Daad deta hun aapki dee hui shiksha
ko aur seekhne waale is chaatra ko. We understand perfectly. Ab dhyaan se suno…
Einstein has taught us that time is as real as space and matter. It consists of atoms, and may be
synthesized into a unified whole, and may be measured like anything else. Reduce the mass-system to
a unit and a year may be represented by a meter, or seven years by seven meters. We may even assert
that the 18 days’ War lasted seven days only because – because – because –
THE HISTORY MASTER: Because the actual warfare took place only during half of each day – that
is to say, twelve hours out of twenty-four – and the 18days at once become 9. But not even 9 days
were given up to incessant fighting, for the combatants had to eat – three hours a day, reducing our 9
days to 6. And if we deduct from this, the hours spared for eating, shitting etc, to non-warlike
activities – to social distractions, we are left only with time which the candidate has represented by
the Einsteinian equivalent of seven meters. Correct! I take it upon myself, gentlemen, to propose a
grading of ‘Very Good’ in History. Oof!
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GYANI BHEJA: Ye kya thaa? Kya thaa ye? Abbey kahan se kahaan! Ab aao, agar main apni aukaad
par aagaaya toh, main wo hanuman hun, jiski pooch se lanka hee nahin, Now we’ll see something,
you tricksters!
THE PHYSICS MASTER: Wow! Super hero! Come on, go ahead!
GYANI BHEJA: Super man ki maa ki doosri shaadi. Theek hai main jawab doonga, kya karloge be?
Ask your questions, or don’t. I haven’t got any more time to waste. Oh, now I remember you. Do you
know what we used to call you behind your back? We called you aghori, because you were always
chewing your own thumbs, just as you’re doing now! Btw, tu jaanta hai, ki ek din tu toilet mein bandh
ho gaya thaa, badbuu se teri naakh, kuch din ke liye sundh pad gayi thee.. kisne kiya thaa tereko
andar, maalum hai?
THE PHYSICS MASTER: You?
GYANI BHEJA: zyaada uchal math makdee. Ask me a hard question instead. Kaat daalo mujhe. Fail
kardo mujhe. Aaj terko bandh nahin karunga.. jaa baksh diya
THE PHYSICS MASTER:: Kind of you – very kind of you. And now, tell me, Gyani Bheja, do bells
in temples really become smaller as you walk away from them, or do they merely appear to become
smaller because of an optical illusion?
GYANI BHEJA: What an absolute mind blowing chaman question? How should I know? Whenever I
walk away from bells they get larger! If I want them to get smaller I turn round and walk straight up
to them, and they’re not small at all.
THE PHYSICS MASTER: kehna kya chahte ho, saaf saaf kaho…
GYANI BHEJA: bas itna ki, tu gale mein atki ek machli ki haddi hai.. sorry, hadda hai.. I am a male
donkey! An ass..That’s my answer.
THE PHYSICS MASTER: Ye tera jawab hai? Good! It is correct. A difficult answer but a most
brilliant one. I’ll explain – that is to say, I’ll explain. When we talk of a male donkey ass we always
notice – we always notice that his look is sad. Therefore I’ve got it!
GYANI BHEJA: abbey isme tereko kya milgaya baboon, kele ka chilka??
THE PHYSICS MASTER: I’ve got it, and the answer is right. Maanlo ki hum sab gadhe hain.. Gadha
hamesha gumsum kyun rehta hai? Kyun ki humlog chalaave mein jee rahe hain. Life is an illusion.
But what illusions can affect the extremely primitive apperceptive powers of an ass? Obviously, the
illusions of the senses, for the ass lacks imagination; and these must be none other than optical
illusions, kyun ki gadhe, jaise ki hum, observes ye karte hain ki humare na chahite cheezen humse
door jaa rahi hain toh lagta hai ki chote ho rahe hain. The candidate has given us a most excellent
answer in calling our attention to an animal whose whole expressions is Sad because its senses are
deceptive; or, to put it in another way, because the apparent decrease in size of an object, in this case a
temple bell, is to be ascribed to optical illusion. The answer was correct. I certify, therefore, that the
candidate may be given ‘Very Good’ in Physics.
THE PRINCIPAL: ‘Physics: Very Good’
GYANI BHEJA: Main ise sweekar nahin karta!
Physics: jaa be, tu dushyant main Shakuntala, aur tu mujhe sweekarega nahin. Jaa re tu naale mein
moo dhoke aa..jaare jaare…
THE PRINCIPAL: The examination in Geography.
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GYANI BHEJA: Dekho, dekho is cartoon ko! Tu toh scooby doo se uncle scrootch ban gaya be! How
are you, anyhow, pappu ke baapu?
THE GEOGRAPHY MASTER: Kaun pappu wo jo haath dikhaake hansta rehta hai wo?
GYANI BHEJA: Tu hamesha mereko class ke bahar nikaal kar kneel down karaata thaa na! aaj terese
hisaab baraabar karta hun main, bhugol ke rat ke hole.
THE GEOGRAPHY MASTER: Bas aap itna bata deejiye ji..Please tell me what city of the same
name is the capital of the two states of india?
GYANI BHEJA: What a dumb question! The answer’s part of the question.
THE GEOGRAPHY MASTER: Hain na? aur iska sahi jawab hai????
GYANI BHEJA: ‘Same’ of course. Wohi to jawab hai. If the name of the city is same, then the name
of the city is ‘Same.’ Right? If it isn’t I fail, and you refund my tuition fees.
THE GEOGRAPHY MASTER: The answer is correct. The name of the city is ‘Same.’ Principal sir,
the candidate shows exceptional knowledge of the history of Indian states. There is a legend that once,
as the Emperor Allauddin khilji was riding in to the city, he met a young peasant girl who was
munching a sugar cane, and whose mouth was full. He called out to her, ‘God bless you. What’s the
name of this city?’ and the peasant girl answered ‘Same to you, sir.’ Then she stopped because her
mouth was full, and the Emperor laughed and said, ‘Ho, ho! So the name of the city is “Same.”?’ And
for many years, thereafter, he never referred to CHandigarh, except by that title. The answer is
excellent. The candidate is entitled to a grade of ‘Excellent’ in Geography.
THE PRINCIPAL [writing]: ‘Geography: Excellent.’ Thus far the candidate has come through with
flying colours. Only the examination in mathematics is left. Should he pass that he will have passed
the entire examination.
GYANI BHEJA: Hindi baap ke aakhri bachche, abhee terese main shudh angreji main baat karunga..
Old-stick-in-the-mud! Do you know we used to call you ‘old-stick-in-the-mud’ behind your back?
You the come with the full the preparation? If the not, I will the fail the me. ABhi tereko basic maths
sikhaata hun, kaan khol ke sunlo be.. two times two is five, and I make up my own multiplication
tables as I go along. And if you add eight apples and two mangoes the answer is twenty-seven
bananas. That’s my system, and you’ll see me use it. To hell with mathematics! ‘Answer excellent’?
‘Answer very good’ ‘Answer correct’? Not this time. Beijjati nahin karani hai toh bolo ki mujhe
maths nahin aati aur main tereko baksh dun.
THE MATHEMATICS MASTER: You must not joke about a serious examination. I’m going to ask
you two questions. One of them is easy; the other is hard.
GYANI BHEJA: One of them is easy; the other is hard. The same old-stick-in-the-mud that you
always were! I remember the pictures of you we used to draw on the board –
THE MATHEMATICS MASTER: Wow! If this were an examination in art you would be marked
excellent. But we are dealing with mathematics. The easy question: If we represent the speed of light
by x, and the distance of the star Sirius from the sun by y, what is the circumference of a one-
hundred-and-nine-sided regular polyhedron whose surface coincides with that of the hip-pocket of a
State railway employee whose wife has been deceiving him for two years and eleven months with a
senior official of his?
THE PRINICPAL: Professor!
 THE REFUND Fritz Karinthy |9

GYANI BHEJA: Koi beech mein zabaan nahin ladayega! Aaj dono bhai jam ke baat karenge! Will
you repeat the question?
THE MATHEMATICS MASTER: No. Either you paid attention or you did not. Either you know the
answer, or you don’t. Tell me the answer, because if you don’t know it –
GYANI BHEJA: Of course I know it! Naturally I know it! I’ll tell you: two thousand six hundred and
twenty nine litres. Exact. No fractions. And did I give you the correct answer? Isse badhiya jawab toh
ho hee nahin sakta!
THE MATHEMATICS MASTER: Nahin. Ye ghalat jawab hai. The correct answer is two thousand
six hundred and twenty-eight litres, and not twenty nine. Main isko pass nahin kar sakta
GYANI BHEJA: I told you so! I told you so!
THE PRINCIPAL: Professor! Professor!
THE MATHEMATICS MASTER: I’m sorry. Jaanta hun ki iska error toh less than a tenth of a per
cent, in the total hai, but it was an error. Ye fail hogaya. Mujhe lagta hai, iska claim sahi hai. Isne kam
se kam maths mein toh kuch nahin seekha. Mujhe lagta hai maine isko sahee sahee nahin sikhaya.
THE PRINCIPAL: Is that what you think?
THE MATHEMATICS MASTER: Absolutely Sir. Ye ek bahut achcha school hai, hum log bachchon
ka bhavishya banaate hain, agar hum dhang se nnahin sikhaa paaye toh iski reputation ka kya hoga?
Nahin sir. Ab aur nahin rehne deejiye, aap meri salary kaat kar iske paise, I mean school fees lauta
deejiye! How much do we owe you, Gyani Bheja?
GYANI BHEJA: I’ll tell you exactly. I attended this school for six years in all. During the first three
years the fee was 150 rupees quarterly. Total for three years 1, 800. During the second three years the
fee was 400rs semi-annually. Total: 2, 400 and 1, 800 is 4, 200. Examination fees, 250Rs 97 paise.
Certificates, documents, books, stamp taxes, 1, 241 rs 43 paise. Total: 5, 682 rs. Incidentals,
stationery, notebooks, 786rs. Grand total: 6, 450 rs 140 paise. Leave the paise, just pay me 6450rs.
Byaaj milaakar hota hai, 6966rs, round figure 7000rs.
THE MATHEMATIC MASTER: Exactly!
GYANI BHEJA: Exactly! You can rely on it.
THE MATHEMATICS MASTER: It’s right. There’s no question of it. It’s right to the smallest detail.
Badhayi ho! Ye hee toh mera difficult sawal thaa! Aur tumne kamaal kar diya. I certify that the
candidate passes in Mathematics. His answer to the easy question was a very little out of the way; but
his answer to the difficult question – how much the refund should be – was exactly correct. Gyani
Bheja is a mathematical genius.
GYANI BHEJA: Firse main paijaama ban gaya?!
THE PRINCIPAL: I present the results of the examination. Gyani Bheja has passed with distinction
in every subject, and has again shown that he is entitled to the certificate we awarded him on his
graduation. Gyani Bheja, hum aapko, aapki chaturaayi, aapki knowledge aur aapke exam paas hone
ki Khushi mein badhayi deta hain aur aapke teachers ka abhinandan karte hain, jinhone, itna sab
sikhaaya is layak banaya ki aap zindagi mein kuch ban sako.
GB: Ghalat hai ye! Makkari hai ye! Tumhare moo mein keede pade! Tumhari zindagi bhee jhand ho.
Tumlog jald se jald duniya chod do! Tumhari is outdated nonsensical teaching ki wajah se kitne
Sachin Tendulkar, ab computer ke saamne baithe hain, kitne dhyanchand aaj excel sheet par kaam kar
 THE REFUND Fritz Karinthy | 10

rahe hain aur kitne sindhu, nehwal, sania mirza projects samhaal rahe hain, arey kuch to sharam karo,
kuch toh out of the box sikhaao..
Principal: out of the box se yaad aaya, ek naya subject launch hua hai, Alien Literature and their life
span calculations, isse jab bhee aap doosre gruh mein jaaoge toh unhe samajhne mein aasani hogi!
GB: Kya?