Professional Documents
Culture Documents
Monologues
Monologues
by
Gerard Hoffnung
(from his Oxford Union speech)
Respected sir,
when I got to the top of the building, I found that the hurricane had
knocked down some bricks off the top. So I rigged up a beam, with a
pulley, at the top of the building and hoisted up a couple of barrels of
bricks.
When I had fixed the building, there was a lot of bricks left over.
I hoisted the barrel back up again and secured the line at the bottom
and then went up and filled the barrel with the extra bricks.
Then, I went to the bottom and cast off the rope.
Unfortunately, the barrel of bricks was heavier than I was and before I
knew what was happening, the barrel started down, jerking me off the
ground.
I decided to hang on!
Halfway up, I met the barrel coming down... and received a severe
blow on the shoulder.
I then continued to the top, banging my head against the beam and
getting my fingers jammed in the pulley!
When the barrel hit the ground, it burst it's bottom... allowing all the
bricks to spill out.
I was now heavier than the barrel and so started down again at high
speed!
Halfway down... I met the barrel coming up and received severe injury
to my shins!
When I hit the ground... I landed on the bricks, getting several painful
cuts from the sharp edges!
At this point... I must have lost my presence of mind... because I let
go of the line!
The barrel then came down... giving me a very heavy blow and
putting me in hospital!
There was once a huge starship, called the SS Titanic. It was a mighty cruise ship, set
to sail the inky blackness of space.
The first voyage of the immense vessel came. Thousands of people on board - mostly
the rich and famous, and of course, a large crew to cater for their every need.
As the ship set off, no-one realised that her fate was just around the corner.
She flew around the galaxy, visiting several resort planets, before heading towards her
last solar system. As she arrived, everyone found themselves looking in horror as the
star exploded in front of their eyes - a supernova.
Of course, everyone was killed, and although search parties spent several years
looking, nothing was ever found of the great ship, except for a single twisted, half-
molten chunk of metal that had come from the toolkit of one of the ship's engineers.
The chunk of metal was put on display in a museum dedicated to the memory of the
ship.
It became known as the Star-Mangled Spanner.
The Original Shaggy-Dog-Story (Search for similar jokes)
King Arthur sends Sir Lancelot out on an important mission to deliver a message to
the king of Spain. It is a long distance, and Lancelot looks in the Kingdom for a good
horse to take him there. His own horse is sick, and all he can find is an old mare, but,
since he has to leave quickly, he takes the mare.
About 3 days out of the Kingdom, Lancelot realizes his mistake. The horse gets tired
and appears to be going lame. He finally makes it to a small village and gets to the
Inn. He goes up to the Innkeeper and explains his problem. That is, he needs a good
horse so that he can fulfill his mission to deliver the message for the king. The
Innkeeper replies that this is only a small village, and most of the horses around are
not up to the task. He is welcome to look around, however, and if he can find
anything, he is certainly welcome to it.
Lancelot looks around the village, and true as the Innkeeper has said, no good horse is
to be found. As Lancelot is about to give up, he comes across a stable boy carting
some feed. He asks the stable boy if there is any beast of burden in the village that he
can use to fulfill his mission. The stable boy thinks for a minute, and starts to reply
no, but then says, go see if Old Mange in the barn can help you.
Lancelot goes over to the barn expecting to find a horse. What he finds is a very large
dog: almost as large as a horse. The dog is a mess, however. It is mangy, parts of its
fur are falling off, and it is full of fleas. Lancelot is desperate at this point, and he
looks it over carefully. It does, however, appear to be strong enough to take him to
Spain (which is only 3 days away at this point).
Lancelot goes back to the Innkeeper, and acknowledges that he cannot find a horse in
the village that he can use. He says, however that this dog, Old Mange, might be able
to take him most (if not all) of the way to his destination. The Innkeeper hears this,
stiffens up, and says : Sir. I wouldn't send a Knight out on a dog like this.
At the Vet's
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
So, he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, and then checks his teeth.