‘Are You My Mento1 ruan 1 was child, one of my fvorite hooks was \ A Tse uty Mater tery by i a ‘eng fom it shell dincover a emp ne heads ing kitten, a hen, « dog anda cow the burning question: Ate you my mother?” Each animal responds, "No," The ally shontng, “Are “The hatchling n search of ts missing mother, as hatling grows more desperate, yor my mathe?” ats cara ost, «plane, and even a steam ct Suck in shuvel, which ean only respond wth a oud thoshorel’s jaws, te atcling appears doomed until, misc Tooiy, the show! lifts the bin bac to its nest. The nother retnms and the hatchling announces, "You rea ind, an you sremy mothe: This ns bonk poignantly mieroes the profesional vostion "Are you my mentor?” If smecne has to a th resis probly no, When someon finds the ‘gertion, th Tight mento, its obvious The question becomes statement I sce women attempt this all the time. When I give speeches Chasing of forcing chat connection rately works, and y for tend meetings «starting number of wemen inte ‘al pe hthemselves and inthe same breath, asemeto be their men Tanne eeala single man asking me to dothesame Glthough men have aked me to mentor their wives or giiend) ‘The question iatotal mood kilse—the equivalent of ura ing to pensive dic and asking, “What ae you thinking? very seioe wornan T hive tilled to about this is deluged withthe same request. Their resction is unanimous “Ob, 1 never know wha to ay when poop don now askne to be their mentoe” The inter media mogul Oprah Winfrey, who ha taught so much to an ston i latering, but what Even centre generation, amis that she fol uncomfortable when someone aks her tobe a mentor. She once explained, “Tmen- tor when [see something and say, Twant see that grow?” Inpare, we'ebroagh thisonourseles Forthepast decade, tallof mentorship and sponsorship ashen topic amber ane at any women's cara semi Ti the fous of blogs, newsp- perartcles, and esearch eports, Many ofthese young women ae responding wo the often repeated advice thaifthey want © seal the corporate hdr, they need to find mentors (peopl who will advise then a well 8 sponsors (people who will se "hei nflaenee to adres for them! “The emphasis on finting « mentr became especialy clear to me when I went tick co spenk at Harvard Business School inthe spring of zon 1 was invited by Dean Nicin Nobria, ‘who joined me onstage and conducted the interview. His first questions centeed on Faecork and what i ws ike to work for Mark. tld him that I ove except on days when coworkers sid things like, “Shery, can you look at chs? We . sent” We Aicuesed the Arab Spring and slew of ether timely topics. to know what old people will hink of Dein Nofria then asked me «question aboat woren in the woekfore. im not sire what postessod| me, hut I turned co look a the ance paused, and answered with bral hon- sey "IF curent eres contnwe,ffzen yeas fom today, sbostone-thir ofthe women inthis audience willbe workingfllaime and alnostal of you wl be working forthe guy you aresing next Dad silenes in the lage suditoriom. T continued, “Vn sory ith sourds harsh or surprises anyone, bu thsis where ‘were. Ifyou want the outcome tobe diferent, yoo will ane to do something bout i (On thst strained note, Dean Noha ended the interview and turned to the aadiene fora Q&A, A numberof en ape to the microphne and posed thooghefl, big-pctare ques oode that you sre applying 1 Fach?" ad “How do you run a plitform company and tions ike "What did you learn a cnsare stability for yor developers?” Then two women rose to the microphone. The frst asked, you think es okay to work fr company that competes with the company you ‘worked fo before business school?” "The second asked, “How can get a mena?” My heart sank ‘The men were Foasing on how to manage «business and the women were focsing on how to manage « career, The men waned ansvers andthe women wanted pertiésion and hulp. Tealzed that searching fora mentor has become the profesional equivalent of wating for Prince Charming. We all grew upon the faz ale "Sleeping Bessy which instructs your women tht if tey just wat for thr prince to arrive, they wil be kissd and whisked away ana white horse olive happily ever after Now yung women ae old that if they can jus find ce righ mentor, they willbe pushed up he ladder and whisked avayo the corner ofc to live happily eer afte ‘Once again, we ee teaching women tobe too dependent on others Tbe ela, teste noe whether menrorship snip tant Tei, Meatcship and sponsorship are crcil for career progreson. Both men and women with sponsors are more kel oat fr etch assignments and pay raises chan thei poos ofthe same gender without sponsors Unfortunately or ‘women, men ofua have an easier te acquiring and main tsiing these re sre sgaifcanly that those with advancement? Because sponsors, they out. And wi energyinsomet virtal strange relationship 9 fey bot side re een hc he course of ‘nel long side and adv Laney Summmest ssporvve my se fessor yoluntee majocpartof of the Washing go when Twas ste some of my hada been for ment and supe women in thew have encourage example, Thee sp the ones fiends, ands otf watching sng with meng ships for Pace never worked iAre You My Mentor? | 67 saining hse relationships? One recent sty shows that men egy te siifeantly more likely than women toe sponsored and ved, "Pe that those with sponsors ae more saisied with tei rates of siswhere advancement! willie ‘Bec ies harder for young women to fad mentors end sponsors they are taking a moce active role in seeking them interview fot. And while normally I applaud aserive beavior, this ren apt ergy is sometinesniacneced, No ater how crucial these feonnectens are, they probably woatt develop from asking & wre quer applying tired stranger, “Will you be my mentor?” The strongest spony and relationships spring out of real and often earned connection ame 2052 fee by bs sides. kes okay Tre been Incky to have trang mentors and sponsors over pany yo the cours of my cater, The acknowledgments in this bok sad, "How inl king listof people who have Been generous enough 0 trie an advise me, Daring ny junior year af cllege, Teo. sings and Lary Sunmers’s patie set economics clas. He offered to veer, The sopervise my senor shesi—something very few Harvard pro ion and fesorsvelunteer todo for undengeaduates Larry has been 2 come the major part ny if eve since. [met Doa Grabam, chairman ming. We of the Wishington Post Company, more than fifteen years binaroers fo when Twas working in D.C, and he bas helped me navi- vo aie, te some of my most challenging professional stetons. fi ane tive had besa for Paley Center CEO Pat Mitchel’ encourage~ rent and support, Kmight never have spoken publ about ‘women ic che wotkplce. These three, amongso many others, Inve enconraged ine, mide introductions, and taught me by example, Tir wisdom helped me avoid mistakes—and clean ifthey can the ladder ver aie, sendent on ‘up che ones Iwas smart enough to avoid Tn um, [have tied to mentor other, inctng fiends of for ease fiends ad as gtlde, children of frends. [gee so much oy + are more cout of waching the rer of Emily White, who started work ‘han thei ing with me eight ont of ellsge and row eans mobile partner nately fr ships for Facebook. When I first met Bryan Sehr, he had and main never weed ina tech company’ oF traveled abroad, ut heplay unusually strong leadership and analyial skis. 1 hired hit help build Googe global operations, and he ted to exceeded every expectation, Yeas Inter, when be pursue anew cee ae a inves, Lntrodaced hi to his ut rent parners at Sequoia Capital He isnow a highly soecessfl nly stage venture capitis, and I can se the impact he as nthe cempnies he nls. Lam fortanae to have Emily and Bryan ard so many othe sented people in my ie ‘Stas show that anencrs elect protégé based an perfor mance and potential Ineutvely, people invest in chose who who can aly benef from ie cime well stand ofr ther ealent Mentorscontinue to invest when mentees use nd are truly open to feedc Ie may ter into friendship, bur the foundation is professional relationship. Given this Telieve we have set the wrong nesiage to young women We need to stop telling them, "Gee a mentor and you will my “Eacl and you wil get coe!" Istead, enced to tells ‘Clara Shin sa superb example, Tmet Cars about ive yours ago ata conference and was immediately inypeossed by ber eas aboat soil mein, She wene on t weit a thoughtfl book on the subject and founded Husay Social a software compan hit hts busines manage thei soiled pre fence. Bxxy so often, Ciara would contact me, shay with an asked to intererting pont or 3 enought question. She ne gettogeter to “atch up” She never asked question tht she ‘ould har ound the answer to her own. When Twas en ing the Sarbucks board of directors in 2013, I gave ther a few namss of socal media experts who might joi in ay place and inched Clara, She was omly twenty-nine years ld 2 the time, she wa invited toon the board While ak works, approaching a stanger with « pointed, well-thoughe if ows ‘outingary can yield esas, Garrett Neiman stopped meafter Tgsve 1d founded peel a Stanford» explain that he Caleges college wes of could be been es And he Capt canbec vida 1 book's « this ane chit of focadsi Ten To woe coulda Mes may ap workin direct and a inves snd ue bodyal sls 1 ty and he rohiseur succes pce be has taily and Ton pesfor those who from bel, iim well friendship, Given ths, fad you wil oo will get rat ve years se by her 1 hoaghel Ia software Imei pres says with an er asked t0 sn Lvas ew fave them & tin ay place sry i eves vel ocd me afer had founded Are You My enor? | 69 CCollegeSpring, «nonprofit provides SAT toring and tologe counscling oy low-inome studenes. He wanted 0 tnedtwithme and made it elea thathe only needed fe mi thes of my time to ak for intrductons to some people wh ould Bel expand his organization. He had done his home ‘poral knew dat Leare deeply about edocatin, In our fist Iheetng snd in every interaction we've had since, Garret has poenrespetfal of my tne He ers, focuses and gracious [Aol hoe cays fllows wp to let me Know the resals of out ‘Capturing someone’ attention or imagination in amine canbe dane, but only when planned and aloe to that ind ‘ideal. Leading witha vague question soc as, "Whats Fee book’ clare ike? shows more ignorance then interest the coma, since there are hundreds of articles that provide this anaer, Preparation i especially important when ok ing for job. When [let the Treasury Department, former lef of taf Jooh Steiner gave me grest advice about asking foe advice, He tld re to gure out what T wanted to do bie Twente the people who hid the ability ro ire me. That say Tweuld nor waste my one shot seeking geneal guidance ‘hu would be able to dirs specie opportonites that they Mentorahip soften a more reciprocal rations than i ay apeat,erpecially in stations where people are already working the same company. The mentee may resi more direc anitanc, bt the mtr receives benefit to, inlod- ng wel information, greater commitment from collegues, anda seas of fulillment and pide. Sociologists and pay hilogis have lng obwerved oar deep deste to participate in resipocal behavior. The fact chat homans fel obligate v0 return favors has been dosed in vitally all societies sd underpins all kinds of socal relationships. The mesor/ mente relationship sno exception. When dane right, very body urishesj hceerenreer En Fein Burnet, now a wellsown CNN journalist, credits Willor Day, a vetran TV creespondent and eto, for men toringher when she firststarted ont. Willow was a randnew anche: of Menelne bt didnot ave deep financial exper Laman Sachs, which made her an nce, in had worked at ideal person for Willow to bire an asistant. Fin impressd Will wih ber ambition, work ethi, and talen- Mesnhil iin got watch a savvy, tablished josenalist up dose and personal, Back beefed from the oth Juin Osofsky enught any sttention at Facebook years ago when we were getting eady for our Sse senior-level meting vrth he Walt Disney Company: Each of ur team, insud Joga, business development, and marketing, had submiced ides ia the parenersip, but no one was coordinating, whic sjitued and wns. Rather than jus lefour presentation salting his section, Justin took the iiiative to pall the troup gether and integrate all he ideas. have been men- toring” him ever since, which iis ease means that T often tr to Justin to solve problems. This helps the company and creates ongoing opparcnities for him. ‘Gating the attention of a senior person with 1 wor, buts not the only 3 perfona Thavescen lower-level employes aimbly grab a moment after 4 meatng o inthe hall t ak advice from a respected and Inu senior person, The exchange canal and quick. After nent follows up to offer thon and then uses that opportunity to ase nee, Without even rearing the senior person becomes taking that advice, the would 1 more gui aval and invested in the junior persons care. The word enor’ never needs to be uttered, The relationship is more important than the label he bel itself open ta oterpretaton. For yeas kept an eye onan enormownly talented young woman on my team it Geogle an asd her each te she had a major decision tombe. Tnever used the word “mento” bor invested alocof sated lookit cexlsi hours Ke wed papel with ing ofw sen sinc ty shi ex he lenvals, eros (to, for men- sea band-new cal expe sHnade Beran E Mesh, inimpreseed sup dose and book years 250 evel meeting eas acd shad stmt Sinai Rather ha jas ine to pall the ye bee men Tosa ge a respected and nd quick, After ‘ows upto offer ar more guid person becomes areer, The word Sionhip nave fae years kept ‘major decison invented ala of Ave You My Mentor? | 71 tine in her development. So Twas surprised oe day when she stato lly tat she had neve ada mentor or anyone really Toaking ost for es. Take what a mentor meant to he. She plained that it would be someone she spoke to fo at leastan hou very week, smiled, thinking, Thar nat mentr—at’y a then. Fey mentors hive tse for excessive hand-holiing. Mase are dealing with their own high-stres jobs. A mentee who i postr and prepared can be a brigh spot ina day. Foe this Smereason, mentees sould sve complaining excesivey to ‘ raentor Using mentors in to validate flings may help psyetologcally, butts beter ro focus on specife problems ‘vith real soon, Most people in the position ro mentor are ‘gite adept at problem solving, Give them a problem tn soe Sonnaimes high-potential women have dificult time ask ing er elpbecaose they don’ want to appear scumped. Being al fling the nse about how to procoe isthe mas ‘vor Tee tha way all che time, Asking for np nea sign of werknes often the frst stp to Siding path orward ‘Mintring and sponsoring relationships often form be- ‘meen individaals who have common interes or when the ers remind the mare senior members of ther elves! This means that en wil often gravitate rowan spon junior ‘ring younger men, with whom they connect more naturally Since there ae so many more men a the top of every indus ty th proverbial old-hoy network continues to dourish. And since here ae already a redocednamber of women in leader ships it isnot posable for the jnior women to get enough supper vnlest senior men jmp in to. We ned rake male leaders aware of this shortage and encourage them to widen their sire. 1 wonderful when senior men mentor women. Ie even Deter wen 1 champion axl sponsor them. Any msle leader whois serious shor moving ward more equal world ‘an make thi priority and be par ofthe solution, Tt souldra | ena on bea ladge ofhonor for men to sponsor women. And since we hve sex on that diferent perspectives improve performance, com sure 0 be pani’ should foster and rovard his behavior. inal sei ese hres ws co ested es nce ee ac ero tome | mie oa oe Ena wcewetneiypin | ath er ei alccinmeentipectonts: | ‘Mimbo nce dy ringed delist te os | | Gangs, we suddenly noticed was 3:00 am. We both knew | to make fewould lok awful anyone sw me leaving his hte suite at) the cme thatime, We lscassed the options. Maybe he should checkto thought secifanyone was in the hal? Then we relzed we werestuck | coppers recast there sno difference between trying nt besen | will get caving someones bel room ae at night anda someone's hotel san late a ght, T strode into che ck) thaeean wally leaving | a dinner ‘empty hall and made it. ny room undetected, | Man Thnioe women and senior men often avo engaging inmen- seats toring or sponsoring relationships out of fear oF what others | peogeas mith think. A sto published by the Cancer for Work-Life) sponsor Pligg and the Haroon Busse role reported that per | cued centamen athe evel of vee president and above ae hesitant saving to hive aone-on-one meeting witha more junior woman. Fae | One en thei por bal f the junior women avoided lose contact with foxmal senioe men+ This evasivensss must end. Personal conections than Teadtoamignments and promotions s0enceds ote okay for | otis ren and women to sped informal time together the same mentor vraymnen con, A senior man an junior anata bar isseenas | foe. mentoring, A senior man anda janie woman a bare | senioe fe meatoing ati oks lik dting, ‘This imexpreatio on selves folds women bic and etetes a double bind IF women try | five a dos relationship wih a male sponsor, chey ik | the trgct of wodkeplace gossip. If women ty to gemen, And since we perfonmance, com so be solved here sf alee rel ves, Larry Saamers ere we holed wp in cn hit speech 0 is thlivons othe ime am. We both knew sng his hoe suite at bee should check wo lied we were stuck ying noe to be seen veand actualy leaving ‘ode nt che ck) rected nid engnging in men of hat others Center fr Work ite reported tha 4 per and shove ae bestane ae jnioe wos. For of fe ied owe contact with Personal connections enced wo be cay for ne together he sn fan at bar isseen 2 oman ata bar ean aso hg, This ints se bind. IF women try re sponse, they ik women try w get © creas will fen sal i i Aye You My Menton? | 72 shea seal component, And everyone invelved histo make sareto behave professionally 50 women—and men—fel safe inallsesings ‘x Goldinan Sachs i the late 19908, management co- rite partner Bob Stal recognized this perception problem tnd ame up with an admirable solution. ‘The fier of thre hugiters, Steel told tring class hate ad a “breaks or func ony policy” with explayees because be Fle uncamfor she going cut t dinner with female employees and wanted worked at Goldman at to make access equal. Sharon Mes the rime and si Stes decision caused it of tt, bat she tog hi opportu for men and wo ville thereby adopting ano-dinne: po In ther as, we ne andor was heoie. Anything that evens out the inthe right practice Some a dlnnr-wit-anyone pal practices sane applied evenly any companies are starting t0 more from informal mertring that relies on individ inte to more Formal programs. When taken seriously these formal mentorship’ Spousorship programs can be remaskably succesful, Struc tured programs also ake the pressure of jnior women from having wo ask the dificuk “Are you my mentor?" question (One study showed that women who food mentors throagh fornal programs were so percent more Hkaly tobe prometed than women who found mentors oa their wn? The most ffesive formal progeams hep edcate men aboot the need to ‘mest wren and establish guidlines fr appropiate behay- Jon Thee programs can be a great way to help oemalze the ‘ear man/junor woman model Official mentonhip progeams ae nx stint by the sce and work best when combined with other kinds of devel pment and traning. Deboce’s Lenliag w WIN Women’s already established bide is good example. Death {program to suppore female employees, who sil Underrepresented at the highest ews ofthe company. Thisprompted Chet Wood, CEO of Deloite Tx, to ask, "Where Asa are l the women?” In response, Deloitte launched a leader ent Ship development program ia 2008. The program targeted} manage seoie women in the tx division who were close t promo: Derek tion The women were asigned sponsor, recived executive he wou coaching, shadowed members ofthe exeutve commie, and tome, took on global assignment OF the wenty-one members of hee! the inmagorl group, eighteen hae since been promoted, 1dog.1 As helpful a these formal programs canbe, they are not cone dy lvay offered and in some stations, senior people are not in that sve o give guidance, The good news is tha guidance ean tonot ‘come from all levels. When I first joined Facebook, one of my | got co suyopeel yng uta evn isle od wee Tocpeevcenrnns wilt ea Te inion Non Gt ata tot "hy : Outage er yor Avene a aoa ca se : Senos en prance ciem a pany worked. Naomi and I became close. I bet most people, this in : ling Nun sl aly ste oe en ne ches th she med ne St le cm 4 ‘to stop me from getting things wrong. Naomi always told me son's thou tht wl ed rn oh re ee ‘She sill does this for me torday. ice! 42 saying that “all advice is autobiographical.” Friends at the H Sct Sa a ay lr mesh me we agaitst taking a job at Google in 2001, Yet almost all my peers abou Chana hp fn ily Po eine yt ‘trenches and may understand problems that superiors do not, The ‘especially when those problems are generated by superiors in therAre ouMy enor? | 78 & Companys my frst assim Mikinsey nae senior engagement Asan sont st st, Where tls leader pent was na tear chat consid of fm cargeed ee GED and wo oer mal ascites, Ae Wt to promo ma lt. When the SENT wanted tat Abe oe Der a Pere alk overt tei desks Wie be wad fk i Wool satis des and shoo, “andere, $7 famine, and ome, ‘members of (eRe gute toneone ight us tcalla cil or eren wos mote sy ode me crnge every ie: Tete: anything they are not ete phe and Dee cared calling ech oer “Sandbere Fer Tend ace. These aberbnd SEM nee eemet too any Sanders cape ae net 1. When having to noice. They kept i co differentiate. Abe soidsnce can akyone of 7 fe canting, hey decd we nee ‘sins pro- lng binge Asn Sandberg” Derek bed i xe. 'The com “Sopot ooking Sandberg” and bec “Sandberg San makes ond teres My elleagues red an fe stan in one he vp forse and made He aug. roin thera Fe ected. They stood Faccbookright | hey were the bese mentors I cook sechook’s eal- ‘Sincrwhen tains, irpaurs Om how the em ica ener wanted to fx me wp wth isso, He decd cet mor people, casa sien in Front of bis team over ardor. Tne fs fat Bas men bore underssined my professional ‘She helped me to take me seriously that Iwas bis “eand jumped in here ave bad same projet thesenior tnnhoriy. How could T get 9 their be was constantly reminding everyone jaa eld ne | atsage oh and that Tsou dae him? One day forme w heat Fey eorae a sd to spent him in pt, To Fe Priya id noe hin twas appropiate fo it ee? he iff and kept doit tog ied deal wth che station myself vest soy manger sre Sundberg” sonting SEM. ee ne cat Usould think toned toy complaint and hes cold aan eet mas tdaing 0 se hese signals” Yup, it was sera Led the wo ter Sandiergs, who were ouegs SEM head and tlk of any d= hose of yi rote. There ‘ingly up hie son. Hel Ue Pnds ac the lrmstall ny peers to go over the pst Tay Robert undestoo fe explained that sometimes cers areal inthe ‘They encouraged me toaperoes donot, i ssiby peor in ‘the sen partazr, Rok ‘ofr iodine. Hewho are dient (be is African American) need to remind esa he was gla T tld the appropiate sown and thatthe client souk have lisene > on my He then talked wo the elent ad explained that his bel ee mop. He ab spoke wth my SEM about his insens the eaponse. euld not ave been more gratefil for Rob how that baby bird fe when he trv peoection. Tne exc finally fora his mothes Seek pease “a8 ew sy tury? ‘Thislie ally wobese he polite» is nota bad bass for protect erates getadde: