6 Toxic Arguing Techniques Used by Narcissists and Manipulators

9/16/21, 3:07 PM Immersive Reader
6 Toxic Arguing
Techniques Used by
Narcissists and
Manipulators
People with strong narcissistic, sociopathic,
and psychopathic tendencies
(hereafternarcissists) are unwilling or unable
to resolve conflicts or participate in discussion
in a healthy, mature manner.
Now, its worth noting that not everyone who

doesnt know how to build sound arguments,
isnt familiar with logical fallacies, or doesnt
know how to resolve conflicts is a narcissist.
However, a regular, well-intentioned person is
usually genuinely willing to become better at
it. Meanwhile, a narcissistic person wants to
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win, dominate, and get what they want,

oftentimes at the expense of other peoples
well-being.
As someone who has been fascinated by and

studied philology (i.e., language), psychology,
and argumentation for most of my adult life,
Ive seen thousands of good and bad examples
in various scenarios and everything in
between. Most people, however, are not
knowledgeable in these disciplines and
therefore may become easily confused,
frustrated, intimidated, or shocked when they
encounter certain toxic tactics commonly used
by narcissists and other manipulators.
And so in this article we will explore some

typical techniques a narcissist uses in conflicts
and similar social situations.
1. Arguing in bad faith
When in disagreement, a common person tries

to understand the other party, listen to them,
be honest, and make sure they understand
where others are coming from. Sure,
sometimes people can slip and become too
upset or too anxious. But generally thats the
unwritten guideline.
Narcissists on the other hand argue in what is

sometimes referred to as bad faith. It means
that they dont even care about, or try to
understand, the other person. Or even worse,
they are dedicated to deliberately
misunderstanding and mischaracterizing
others, often to the point of absurdity.
They are willingly dishonest, deceptive, and

morally corrupt. Often while at the same time
quick to accuse others of being dishonest,
deceptive, and morally corrupt (more on that
in #5).
2. Fallacies, nonsense, word salad
Narcissists are often ill-equipped to have

mature discussions or resolve conflicts yet in
their mind they are experts at it. As a result,
they often use some terms, arguments, or
techniques that theyve heard about yet dont
really understand, all while thinking that they
are being rational, reasonable, or correct.
Sometimes to the degree that they become
extremely upset or even aggressive that you
are being irrational, unreasonable, uneducated,
and unwilling or unable to have a mature
conversation.
Meanwhile in reality, what theyre saying is

simply an incoherent rant or an amalgamation
of logical and argumentation fallacies,
misrepresentation of you, factual errors,
emotional language, or pure nonsense (as in
something that literally makes no sense). In
more extreme cases it is called word salad, as
in a mix of words that are just thrown together

with no coherence or structure.
3. Provoking, bullying, intimidating

Since a narcissists goal is to dominate and be
perceived as right at all costs, they often use
aggression.This category involves the more
overtly aggressive tactics commonly used by
narcissists.
Such methods include provoking, bullying, and

intimidating, where the narcissist picks on you,
calls you names, yells, acts overly emotional,
deliberately tries to hurt you, blatantly lies,
threatens, or even physically aggresses against
you.
Not only that, then they spin it around by

presenting it as if by reacting to it or by
ignoring them you are the one whos
unreasonable, too emotional, and aggressive
against them.
4. Lying, denying, changing

definitions
Here, in order to win, the narcissist uses more

covert tactics.
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Sometimes they lie about what happened, what

you or they did and didnt do, or even about
whats real and factually true. Often to the
degree of pure denial and delusion. An attempt
to confuse the other person and make them
doubt their experiences or reality by lying
about it is called gaslighting.
Another method that falls in this category is

redefining to suit their narrative. For that
purpose, they are keen on using euphemistic
language or redefining commonly used words
to fit their narrative when it clearly doesnt.
Again, the goal is to justify that what they are
doing is good and what they are saying is right,
even when it clearly isnt.
Sometimes it means reframing or minimizing

their toxic behavior to confuse you. For
instance, I didnt yell at you, I was just
passionate. Or, This is not abusive or
manipulative, Im just being assertive and
honest.
5. Deflecting, attacking, projecting
A painfully common tactic used by narcissists

is deflect and attack.
Here, the goal is to shift attention from what

the narcissist is saying and doing to what you
are saying and doing, where they never have to

take responsibility for their toxic behavior or
address anything youre saying.
If you bring something up that you dont like or

find to be untrue and problematic, instead of
addressing it or taking responsibility for it,
they will quickly deflect and go into attack
mode. This means they will use their toxic
tactics to quickly shift attention from
themselves and bring up something that you
may or may not have said or done. Often to the
degree where they try to always keep you on
the defense by accusing you of all sorts of stuff,
some of which includes the things they are
actually doing themselves (narcissistic
projection).
And if you make a mistake of actually trying to

address it, you will get distracted from the
initial issue and soon become overwhelmed by
all the stuff that now you are expected to
address and clarify. And do so to a person who
doesnt care about understanding you and is

dedicated to mischaracterizing you in order to
dominate and win an argument.
6. Involving others and acting out

revenge fantasies
Narcissists have extremely fragile egos and a
shaky sense of self-esteem. If you actually
stand up for yourself and dont play their
games, they perceive it as humiliation, as you
being unfair, even abusive to them. In their
eyes, you are being unreasonable because you
dont acknowledge that they are superior, right,
and all around wonderful people. They find it
terribly offensive, and feel shame, injustice,
and rage (narcissistic injury).
To regulate their overwhelming emotions, they

often try to receive false validation. This
means looking for people who would side with
them and tell them that you are wrong and evil
and they are right and good. It involves lying,

smearing, slandering, triangulating, gossiping,
stalking, and other forms of social aggression
and manipulation.
We explored this more in the previous article

titled How Narcissists Play the Victim and
Twist the Story.
Summary and final words
In a social interaction, discussion, or

argument, regular, well-meaning people treat
others with curiosity, empathy, and good faith.
A narcissist, on the other hand, sees
interaction as a win-lose situation. To win,
they try to dominate, bully, deceive, demean,
humiliate, and hurt others.
For that, they use certain common and

predictable tactics that include but are not
limited to arguing in bad faith, lying, denying,
deflecting and attacking, gaslighting, and
intimidating. If and when they feel they have

lost or were wronged, they will try to
intimidate you further and manipulate others
in order to hurt you personally and socially.
Sometimes while accusing you of it at the same
time.
Engaging with a person who uses these tactics

is fruitless, frustrating, boring, and
predictable. Yet someone who is not quite
familiar with it may think, But if only I
explained myself better Or, But if only I
presented my argument better Or, But if only
they could understand where Im coming from
But if only.
Yet theyre not interested in, and often not even

capable of, that. They dont care about sound
arguments, honesty, empathy, curiosity, or
win-win resolutions. They mightclaim that they
are all about that, but if you look at how they
act its evident that they are not.
So after you noticed that youre dealing with

someone who is consistently participating in
something like this and is not really interested
in conflict resolution or finding truth, you can
safely decide not to engage with them and save
yourself a headache.
Sources and recommendations

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9/16/21, 3:07 PM Immersive Reader

Now, its worth noting that not everyone who

win, dominate, and get what they want,

As someone who has been fascinated by and

And so in this article we will explore some

1. Arguing in bad faith

When in disagreement, a common person tries

Narcissists on the other hand argue in what is

They are willingly dishonest, deceptive, and

2. Fallacies, nonsense, word salad

Narcissists are often ill-equipped to have

Meanwhile in reality, what theyre saying is

in a mix of words that are just thrown together

3. Provoking, bullying, intimidating

Such methods include provoking, bullying, and

Not only that, then they spin it around by

4. Lying, denying, changing

Here, in order to win, the narcissist uses more

Sometimes they lie about what happened, what

Another method that falls in this category is

Sometimes it means reframing or minimizing

5. Deflecting, attacking, projecting

A painfully common tactic used by narcissists

Here, the goal is to shift attention from what

are saying and doing, where they never have to

If you bring something up that you dont like or

And if you make a mistake of actually trying to

doesnt care about understanding you and is

6. Involving others and acting out

To regulate their overwhelming emotions, they

and they are right and good. It involves lying,

We explored this more in the previous article

Summary and final words

In a social interaction, discussion, or

For that, they use certain common and

intimidating. If and when they feel they have

Engaging with a person who uses these tactics

Yet theyre not interested in, and often not even

So after you noticed that youre dealing with

Sources and recommendations

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