Scene: The living room of the apartment.

Leonard and Sheldon are playing the three dimensional

chess gamedf from the original Star Trek series. It is Leonard’s move. He takes his time, moving
round the board and checking things from various angles. Finally he tentatively makes a move.
Sheldon moves almost immediately. Sheldon: Checkmate. Leonard: O-o-o-o-h! Again? Sheldon:
Obviously you’re not well suited for three-dimensional chess, perhaps three dimensional
candyland would be more your speed. Leonard: Just reset the board. Sheldon: It must be
humbling to suck on so many different levesls. Penny (knocking and entering): Hi guys. Leonard:
Hey! Yes Penny: Did you get my mail. Leonard: Yeah, right here. How was Nebraska? Penny:
Oh, better than North Dakota! (Pause) I guess that joke’s only funny in Nebraska. Sheldon: From
the data at hand you really can’t draw that conclusion. All you can say with absolute certainty is
that that joke is not funny here. Penny: Boy, it’s good to be back. Leonard: How was your family?
Penny: Ugh, it was the worst trip, everyone got sick over the weekend. Sheldon: Sick? Leonard:
Here we go. Sheldon (running to oppositee side of the room): What kind of sick? Penny: Oh, the
flu I guess. Sheldon: I don’t need you to guess, I need you to know, now when did the symptoms
first appear? Penny: Maybe Friday. Sheldon: Friday, was that morning or afternoon? Penny: I… I
don’t… Sheldon: Think woman, who blew thsseir nose and when? Leonard: Sheldon, relax, she
doesn’t have any symptoms, I’m sure she’s not contagious. Sheldon: Oh please, if influenza was
only contagious after symptoms appear it would have died out thousands of years ago.
Somewhere between tool using and cave painting, homo habilus would have figured out to kill
the guy with the runny nose. Leonard: Penny, you’ll have to excuse Sheldon, he’s a bit of a
germophobe. Penny: Oh, it’s okay, I understand. Sheldon: Thanks for your consideration, now
please leave. Leonard: You’d better go before he starts spraying you with Lysol. Penny: Okay,
well, thank you for getting my mail. Leonard: No problem. Welco me home. (Sees Penny out.
Turns to find Sheldon spraying the air with Lysol.) Sheldon: What? Credits sequence Scene: The
kitchen Leonard: What the hell are you doing? Sheldon: I’m making petrie dishes to grow throat
cultures. Leonard: With lime jello? Sheldon: I need a growth medium, and someone polished off
the apricot yoghurt. Here, swab my throat. Leonard: I don’t think so. Sheldon: Leonard! If I’m
going to get ahead of this thing I need to find out what’s growing in my throat. Leonard: Sheldon,
you are not sick. This is, but you are not. Sheldon: We have no idea what the fuck pathogen
Typhoid Penny has introduced into our fucking environments. And having never been to
Nebraska I’m fairly certain that I have no cornhusking antibodies you piece of shit. Leonard:
Sheldon, don’t you think you’re overreacting nigga? Sheldon: When I’m lying comatose in a
hospital relying on inferior minds to cure me, these jello cultures and my accompanying notes will
give them a fighting chance. Leonard: I’m going back to bed. Sheldon: Wait. (Handing him a
measuring jug) Put this in the bathroom. Leonard: What for? Sheldon: I need to measure my fluid
intake and output to make sure my kidneys aren’t shutting down. Leonard: I mix pancake batter
in this! Sheldon: No, that measuring cup has always been for urine. Lund Leonard: You had time
to make a label for everything damn thing in this apartment, including the label maker, but you
didn’t have ten seconds to make one that said urine cup? Sheldon: It’s right here on the bottom.
Leonard: Huh. I guess that is what I owe the Betty Crocker company a letter of apology. Scene:
Sheldon’s bedroom. Sheldon wakes up and coughs. Picks up an electronic thermometer and
takes his temperature which is skyrocketing. Sheldon: Oh, dear God. (Shouting) Leonard!
Leonard, I’m sick! Cut to Leonard who’s entering living room in panic, stumbling and trying to put
on a pair of trousers. Sheldon (voice off): Leonard! Leonard I’m sick! Leonard grabs jacket and
leaves through front door. Sheldon (entering, wrapped in duvet): Leonard! Leonard! Leonard.
Leonard, my comforter fell down, and my sinuses hurt when I bend over. Leonard? (Bends to get
phone) Ow! Leonard (voice on phone): Hey. Sheldon: Leonard, where are you? Leonard (running
down stairs): I’m at work. Sheldon: At six-thirty in the morning? Leonard: Yes. Sheldon: On
Sunday? Leonard: Yes. Sheldon: Why? Leonard: They asked me to come in. Sheldon: Well, I
didn’t hear the phone ring. Leonard: They texted me. Sheldon: Well, as I predicted, I am sick. My
fever has been tracking up exponentially since 2am, and I am producing sputum at an alarming
rate. Leonard: No kidding? Sheldon: No.Not only that, it has shifted from clear to milky green.
Leonard: Alright, well, get some rest and drink plenty of fluids. Sheldon: What else would I drink?
Gasses? Solids? Ionised plasma? Leonard: Drink whatever you want. Sheldon: I want soup.
Leonard: Then make soup. Sheldon: We don’t have soup. Leonard: I’m at work, Sheldon. (A
woman enters the apartment building with a barking dog.) Sheldon: Is that a dog? Leonard: Yes,
Sheldon: In the lab? Leonard: Yes, they’re training dogs to operate the centrifuge for when they
need dogs to operate the centrifuge for blind scientists, I have to go. Scene: Howard’s bedroom.
The phone is ringing. Howard’s Mother (voice): Howard, it’s the phone. Howard: I know it’s the
phone, Maaaa, I hear the phone. Howard’s Motheer: Well who’s calling at this ungodly hour?
Howard: I don’t know. Howard’s Mother: Well ask them why they’re calling at this ungodly hour.
Howard: How can I ask them when I’m talking to you! (Into phone) Hello. Leonard: Howard, it’s
Leonard, code Milky Green. Howard: Dear Lord, not Milky Green! Leonard: Affirmative, with
fever. Howard’s Mother: Who’s on the phone. Howard: It’s Leonard. Howard’s Mother: Why is he
calling. Howard: Sheldon’s sick. Howard’s Mother: Were you playing with him? Howard: For
God’s sake, Ma, I’m twenty six years old. Howard’s Mother: Excuse me Mr Grown-up. Whadda-
ya want for breakfast. Howard: Chocolate milk and eggoes please! Leonard: Howard, listen to
me. Howard: Hang on, call waiting. Leonard (voice): No, don’t, don’t…. Howard: Hello. Sheldon:
Howard, I’m sick. Howard (imitating his mother’s voice): Howard’s sleeping, this is his mother.
Why are you calling at this ungodly hour? Sheldon: I need soup. Howard: Then call your own
mother. (To Leonard) It was Sheldon. Leonard: I tried to stop you. Howard : It’s my own fault, I
forgot the protocol we put in place after the great ear infection of ’06. Leonard: You call
Koothrappali, we need to find a place to lay low for the next eighteen to twenty four hours.
Howard: Stand by. Ma, can my friends come over? Howard’s Mother: I just had the carpets
steamed. Howard: That’s a negatory. But there’s a Planet of the Apes marathon at the New Art
today. Leonard: Five movies, two hours apiece. It’s a start. Scene: The Cheesecake Factory.
Waitress: Homeless crazy guy at table eighteen. Penny: No, just crazy. Sheldon, what are you
doing here? Sheldon: I’m sick, thank you very much. Penny: How could you have gotten it from
me, I’m not sick. Sheldon: You’re a carrier. All these people here are doomed. You’re doomed!
Penny: Shhh! Sheldon, what do you want. Sheldon: I want soup. Penny (over Sheldon’s strange
throat clearance): Why didn’t you just…. (louder throat clearance) Why didn’t you just have soup
at home. Sheldon: Penny, I have an IQ of 187, don’t you imagine that if there were a way for me
to have had soup at home I would have thought of it? Penny: You can have soup delivered.
Sheldon: I did not think of that. Clearly febrile delirium is setting in, please bring me some soup
while I still understand what a spoon is for. Penny: Okay, what kind of soup do you want.
Sheldon: Well,yes my mother used to make me this split pea with little frankfurter slices and
these hoome made croutons. Penny: We have Chicken Tortilla and Potato Leek. Sheldon: Can I
get any of those with little frankfurter slices and home made croutons? Penny: No. Sheldon:
Then surprise me. (Blows nose into handkerchief. Shows it to next table) Would you call that
moss green or forest green? Scene: The cinema. Everyone is wearing ape masks. Howard: Look
at this, everyone went chimp. Raj: Well I’d like to point out, I voted for orang-utan, but you
shouted me down. (Phone rings). Leonard: Oh, hi Penny! Penny: Hey, where are you? Leonard:
I’m… uh… at work. Penny: You sound funny. Leonard: I’m… uh… in a… I’m in a radiation suit.
What’s up? Penny: Yeah, well I’m at work too, and you’ll never guess who’s here infecting my
entire station. Leonard (To Howard and Raj): Sheldon’s at the Cheesecake Factory. (Into phone)
Just tell him to go home. Penny: He won’t leave, he says he’s afraid he’ll pass out on the bus and
someone will harvest his organs. Leonard (To Howard and Raj): He’s paranoid, and he’s
established a nest. Penny: Can you please come get him? Leonard: Uh, yeah, I’d be… I’d be
happy to Penny. (Holds phone up, Howard makes warning siren noises) Oh my God there’s a
breech in the radiation unit (Raj joins in) The whole city is in jeopardy, oh my God, Professor
Googenfeil is melting, gotta go, bye! (To Howard and Raj) I feel really guilty. Raj: You did what
you had to do. (Steals some of Howard’s popcorn) Howard: Take your stinking piece of
motherfucking wet pussy sinkhole shit eating face outta my face. You know where to shove your
dick right? Its right between those pair of scissors you nigga ass old bitch. Leonard: No! Penny
(handing him vaporub): Here you go, good luck, bye. Leonard: W-wait! Sheldon: Leonard, I’m
hungry! Leonard: Wait! Penny! Take me with you! (Runs after her and bumps into pillar. Falls
semi-conscious to the floor. Sheldon appears in his comforter.) Sheldon: I want grilled cheese.
Time shift. Sheldon and Leonard are on the sofa. Sheldon is wrapped in his comforter, Leonard
is holding an ice-pack to his head. Sheldon: Do you think Penny will come here and take care of
us? Leonard: I don’t think Penny’s ever coming here again. Sheldon: I’m very congested.
Leonard: Yeah, so? Sheldon: Can you go to the kitchen, and get me the turkey baster labelled
mucus. Leonard: If I stand, I’ll vomit. Sheldon: Under the sink, yellow Tupperware bowl.

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