Y- (NY) THE PEACEFUL PARENT LISA SMITH - PARENT COACH THE PEACEFUL PARENT 3-Week Anger Cleanse \ Stop the frustration. Increase the peace. CLASS 1: BECOMING YOUR CHILD’S EMOTIONAL DETECTIVE Today’s Goals: + Learn how to become your child's emotional detective + Understanding your child's core basic needs + Understanding your child’s big emotionsTHE PEACEFUL PARENT | Phone:2015751659- lss@thepeacefulparent.com LISA SMITH » PARENT COACH www thepeacefulparent.com 1. WHAT IS PEACEFUL PARENTING? Dominant parenting - trying to have control or use power over your child. We are focused on our child’s behavior and not concerned about feelings and needs. “Seen and not heard” Peaceful Parenting-using your power with your child “Peaceful Parenting is having and valuing the relationship with your child over the behavior of your child” Permissive Parenting - The child exerts power over the parent. 2. FEELINGS AND NEEDS: * Looking underneath the behavior of the child to feelings and needs * Child feels heard and honored even during storm or disagreement « Deep connection 3. BASIC NEEDS ALL KIDS ARE TRYING TO GET MET: * Acceptance - I want to fit in * Attention - look at me, let me know you hear me, talk to meTHE PEACEFUL PARENT | Phone: 201575 1699-lisa@thepeacefulparentcom LISA SMITH + PARENT COACH wowthepeacefulparent.com « Affection - words of affirmation, physical touch (hugs, kisses) ¢ Appreciation - I want to know I matter, that you care, that I fit in with my family « Autonomy - Independence * Connection - empathy, love, I fit in 4. STORMING: * Storming = yelling, tantrums, hitting, stomping feet, shutting down etc. ¢ You can feel the storm building * Take a deep breath and ask yourself what is going on here? * Instead of getting furious, ask yourself what does my child need and what is she feeling? BE CuRIOUS!XY THE PEACEFUL PARENT f LISA SMITH + PARENT COACH The Process of Getting Curious Not Furious > All kids at all times are just trying to get their needs met! > When they are having a storm, they are trying to get their needs met! > When they begin to act out, ask yourself..."I wonder what they need?” » Get “curious not furious” and play the emotional detective 5. Questions to ask to go underneath the behavior and get to the feelings What is going on? What are you feeling? If you have to guess what are you feeling? This is what I think might be going on, what do you think? When you do. , | feel. 6. Expand your feelings vocabulary « Feeling of the week * Expand feeling vocabulary beyond happy, mad, sad * See feeling sheet for new feelingsTHE PEACEFUL PARENT | Phone: 201 5751699 is@th siparent.com LISA SMITH - PARENT COACH www thepeacefulparent.com 7. Recover from your storm « Take a deep breath * Ask for a do-over * Redo the scenario and model a sense of calm 8s. Homework: * Journal about your feelings and needs as you parent « Journal or document about your child’s feelings and needs * Document an example of a time you went under the behavior to the feelings and needs & got curious not furious 9. Examples of Empathetic Listening: When you practice empathy, we encourage you to find a language that works best for you Sentence Frames for Empathy Guesses 1, Are you feeling (insert feeling word here) because you're needing/wanting (insert need word here)? 2. I am wondering if you're feeling (insert feeling word here) because you're needing/wanting (insert need word here). 3. Sounds like you're feeling (insert feeling word here) because you are needing/wanting (insert need word here). 4. 1 am guessing you're feeling (insert feeling word here) because you're needing/wanting (insert need word here). 5. So, you're feeling (insert feeling word here) because you're needing/wanting (insert need word here). 6. Is it that you're feeling (insert feeling word here) because you are needing/wanting (insert need word here)?THE PEACEFUL PARENT | Phone: 201575 1699-lisa@thepeacefulparentcom LISA SMITH - PARENT COACH wwwrthepeacefulparent.com You can stay with the empathy until you feel or sense that the other person is relaxing or releasing, the person becomes quiet or you no longer choose to stay in the empathetic place. (ane Marantz Connor and Dian Killian, Connecting Across Differences: A Guide to Compassionate, Nonviolent Communication (New York: Hungry Duck Press, 2005) 113.) 10. Learning the language of feelings and needs:THE PEACEFUL PARENT f LISA SMITH - PARENT COACH Basic Human Feelings WHEN NEEDS ARE MET Comfortable Full Satisfied Easy Content Relaxed Fulfilled Safe Rested Refreshed Rejuvenated Spry Energized Invigorated Alive Exuberant = Alert Relaxed Interested Curious Engaged Intent Involved Absorbed Fascinated Glad Happy Excited Hopeful Joyful Delighted Encouraged Confident Cheerful Elated Exuberant Enthusiastic Optimistic Overjoyed Peaceful Calm Serene Expansive Tranquil Radiant Blissful Clear Composed Secure At Ease Content Loving Connected Touched Compassionat Affectionate Tender Open Friendly Warm Nurtured Amorous Grateful Appreciativ Thankful Adventurou Eager Playful Alive InspiredLISA SMITH “) THE PEACEFUL PARENT : / PARENT COACH Amused Invigorated Motivated Stimulated WHEN NEEDS ARE NOT MET Uncomfortabl Pained Uneasy Hurt e Miserable Embarrassed Tired Exhausted Fatigued Lethargic Weary Sleep Dull Overwhelmed Uninterested = Aloof Bored Distant Apathetic Disintereste Withdrawn d Sad Unhappy Troubled Dismayed Disheartene Heavy Lonely d Disturbed Anguished Disappointed Despairing Depressed Gloomy Nervous Anxious Worried Alarmed Distressed Edgy Confused Perplexed Insecure Jittery Sceptical Unsteady Suspicious Mad Angry Furious Aggravated Irritated Enraged Hostile Bitter Upset Exasperated Frustrated Infuriated Embittered Agitated Annoyed Scared Fearful Afraid Anxious HesitantConnection Physical well-bein: Honesty Play LISA SMITH Reluctant Paralyzed THE PEACEFUL PARENT PARENT COACH fi Shocked Terrified Horrified Basic Human Needs The 5 A's: Acceptance Attention, Affection, Appreciation, Autonomy Belonging Closeness Compassion Empathy Love Respect/self- respect Security To know & be known Trust Air Rest/Sleep Sexual expression Touch Authenticity Joy Cooperation Community Consideration Inclusion Mutuality Safety Stability To see & be seen Warmth Food Safety Water Integrity Humor Communication Companionship Consistency Intimacy Nurturing Support To understand & be understood Movement/Exercise Shelter PresenceMeaning Autonomy LISA SMITH - PARENT COACH Beauty Equality Order Awareness Clarity Contribution Discovery Growth Hope Participation Stimulation Choice Space “) THE PEACEFUL PARENT : Communion Harmony Celebration of life Competence Creativity Efficacy Learning Purpose To matter Freedom Spontaneity Ease Inspiration Challenge Consciousness Effectiveness Mourning Self-expression Understanding Independence