THE PEACEFUL PARENT

CLASS 2:
DEALING WITH ANGER

Today’s Goals:

• Understand that feelings are never in conflict

• Understand the source of anger
• Understand how empathy calms anger
Recap from last week:

 Peaceful parenting is about having connection with your child

and using your power with your child.

 Peaceful parenting is having and valuing the relationship with

your child over controlling the behavior of your child.

 We are all trying to get our needs met at all times - especially
our kids. We talked about the 5As and 1C as a basic need.

 When the storm is on the horizon and you as a parent feel it

coming, you can get curious not furious and become the
detective. You can try and figure out what your child needs.

 You can help them get their needs met or teach them to
meet their own needs.
1.WHAT ARE YOUR THOUGHTS ABOUT
ANGER?
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2.WHAT DID ANGER LOOK LIKE IN

YOUR HOUSE GROWING UP?
• How did you feel growing up?

• What was modeled for you?

• How did you parents express anger to you?

• How do you express your anger today?

 3. ANGER
Anger is so interesting.

Many of us deal with anger based on the patterns that were set out
for us by our own parents.

Many parents feel they need to win every fight with their kids so
they can prove or show their power OVER their kids.

When fighting, winning and enforcing power over your kids looks like
yelling, spanking, punishments etc.

Strong-willed kids learn to try and win the fight over the parents
because this is what is modeled for them. So, they storm back and
this is when the explosion happens.

In peaceful parenting, we are not trying to win! We have to let go of

the need to win! Winning over our kids brings dominance and
disconnection.

4. FEELINGS ARE NEVER IN

CONFLICT
• Many of us don’t know this.

• Many of us don’t like this because, growing up, our feelings

were not considered.

• Many of us don’t know how to deal with our kid’s negative

feelings
 • Many of us don’t want our kids to have negative feelings. We
are sad or uncomfortable about it.

• Sometimes we think if our kids are mad/sad or something

negative, we make it mean we are not a good parent.

• Many of us were raised in a house where our parents didn’t

allow or acknowledge our feelings. Our feelings didn’t
matter- or, worse yet, they would tell us what we feel.

Feelings are never in conflict.

Your kids are allowed to feel their feelings, especially during the
“storm”.

This doesn’t mean we can’t guide them or be their emotional

coach but we can acknowledge their feelings.

Let them feel their feelings.

5. ANGER IS THE HEART OF THE
STORM
• Anger is a complex emotion. It is a buildup of emotions (and
maybe judgements) and that is why it feels so strong for you
and your child.

• Underneath anger is unmet needs. So good to know, right?

• In order to properly deal with anger, you need to be able to

access or feel your feelings AND you need to give your child
space to access and feel his feelings

Tip: Anger can be your guide

When you find yourself or your child getting angry, use it

as a guide to ask yourself “what are the unmet needs?”
 6.ANGER MODEL

Think of anger as a volcano (see diagram below)

 At the base of the volcano is unmet needs. When our needs are
being met, there is no anger.

 Middle of volcano: feelings arising from unmet needs (sleep,

exercise, behind at work, need more adult stimulation, need to
know what your kids are doing, connection with your spouse).
These feelings build.

 At the top is the expression of your anger - yelling,

spanking, slamming doors, silence, walking away etc.

Don’t let the anger build. The anger takes our brain offline.
Top of volcano: expression
of anger (slamming doors,
yelling, spanking, silence
etc.)

Middle of volcano:
feelings arising from
unmet needs (sleep,
exercise, behind at work,
need more adult
stimulation, connection
with spouse, etc.)

Base of volcano: unmet needs

7. SOLUTION
When we acknowledge our kid’s needs, we have empathy &
can explore solutions together

The 3 simple steps that lead to connection:

1. Empathy
2. Self-awareness
3. Respect for feelings and needs.
 The 3 strategies that are always going to lead to
disconnection:

1. Using power over or manipulation of your child

2. Blame and shame
3. Punishment and rewards

8. HOMEWORK
• Use your anger as your guide
• Dissect your anger
• Use the 3 steps of connection

Up next week:
Setting Limits that (Peacefully) Stick!
Learn how to avoid many of the frustrations you
experience by establishing mutually agreed upon
limits beforehand