How to break trauma bond

1. Make a commitment to live in reality. If you find yourself wanting to fantasize about
what could be or what you hope will be, stop. Remind yourself that you have made a
commitment to live in truth. Even if you don’t choose to leave the relationship
immediately, in the meantime you can at least remind yourself that you will stop
fantasizing about what is not happening. In order to stay in reality – make a list of all the
positive things the relationship has brought about and then make a list of all the negative
things. Use the following chart and read it daily.

POSITIVE THINGS REGARDING THIS NEGATIVE THINGS REGARDING THIS

PERSON AND/OR RELATIONSHIP PERSON AND/OR RELATIONSHIP
new interests compulsive thinking

learning new things feeling blamed

few seconds of hihghs worrying

sxal energ fantisisng all the time

fear

anxiaty

feeling not good enough

feeling worthless

shame

wasting time
 feeling empty,

feeling under pressure all the time

feeling that I hv to prov mself const

feeling trapped

Which list were you able to fill up quicker?

_________negative_________________________________

When you contemplate the negative, is the positive worth sticking it out?
_______no____________

2. Allow yourself to feel your emotions. At this stage you are no doubt feeling a deep urge to
contact the toxic person and speak your mind. The need to connect, the need for validation is so
strong it can consume a person. The biggest mistake that many make is they either fight their
emotions and try to stuff them inside an internal closet that feels like a volcano about to erupt, or
they contact the toxic person and get burned once again. The truth is, what we resist persists…
and if our feelings are banging against our soul demanding to be seen, heard and validated – if
we do not give that to them, the desire to contact the toxic person doesn’t fade.

The BEST THING TO DO is allow yourself to express your feelings, get it all out of you in a
letter…. But DO NOT send the letter!!!! By pouring out your feelings, and reading what you
write over and over you will be validating, processing and releasing your emotions.

Use the following section to write out your feelings, write to the person that hurt you as if they
are right there in front of you…. Then read it out loud over and over again until you get bored.
Once you no longer feel like reading the letter, that is a good sign that the emotions have been
resolved instead of stifled!!!!

Letter to Toxic Person ______________________________________Don’t forget to read aloud

______

szia, hű nagyon vonzó vagy

hogy vagy?

nagyon hiányzol

sajnálom, hogy voltak ezek a félreértések közöttünk

szeretl________________________________________________________________________
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a levélben azt nem úgy értettem, nem akratam, hogy rosszban legyünk

tök jól néztél ki vmelyik nap a hosszű

hajaddal_______________________________________________________________________
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Letter to Yourself -validate your emotions and Don’t forget to read aloud

_your are very creative, u thought u found ways of this mess bc some parts very kinda real, and
didn’t look lke messy, its ok to feel lke this fror these toxic persons, aslo u r kinda emotional too,
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3. Live in real time. That means stop holding on to what “could” or “will” happen
tomorrow. Notice what is happening in the moment. Notice how trapped you feel. Notice
how unloved you feel and how you have compromised your self-respect and self-worth for
this relationship. Pay attention to your emotions. Stop hoping and waiting, and start noticing
in real time what is happening and how it is affecting you.

THINGS S/HE DOES TO MAKE ME THINGS S/HE DOES TO MAKE ME

FEEL LOVED FEEL UNLOVED
saying pos things not listening

want to get way

sdpeaking bhind back

lying, angry looks, mellébeszél, megs,

looking me like enemy or threat

gvung me, t, ign, gvinng oth mre att, acting scred,

caetegorizing me, lnéz where I lv aswell,
mking me feel im not enough, mking me
wait, disresp, betr,
talking behind back, looking me like
enemy or a threeat
 BEHAVIORS I HAVE ALLOWED BEHAVIORS I WOULD LIKE TO
THAT I DO NOT DESERVE HAVE IN A RELATIONSHIP
lied to honesty

disrepsp to respect

angry looks clear communication

letting h spilling secrets no passive aggressiveness, being able to

keep secrets

stealing things infront of me speaking up if something needs to be

talked to

4. Live one decision at a time and one day at a time. Sometimes people scare themselves
with all-or-nothing thinking. Don’t tell yourself things like, “I have to never talk to the toxic
person again or else”; this is like trying to lose weight by telling yourself you can never eat
chocolate again. While it is true that your relationship is an unhealthy one, you don’t need to
make every encounter a do-or-die situation. Don’t scare yourself.

Day 1: Things I can do today to empower myself and feed my self-love:

exercises, drinking self lve, music, relaxing,

chocolet_______________________________________________________________________
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Day 2: Things I can do today to empower myself and feed my self-love:

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Day 3: Things I can do today to empower myself and feed my self-love:

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Day 4: Things I can do today to empower myself and feed my self-love:

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Day 5: Things I can do today to empower myself and feed my self-love:

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Day 6: Things I can do today to empower myself and feed my self-love:

_mking sure not get

izomláz_______________________________________________________________________
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Day7: Things I can do today to empower myself and feed my self-love:

___dont
overextend_____________________________________________________________________
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5. Make decisions that only support your self-care. That is, do not make any decision that
hurts you. This goes for emotional “relapses” as well. If you find yourself feeling weak, don’t
beat yourself up mentally, rather exercise a compassionate dialogue. Remind yourself that
you are a work in process and life is a journey. Do not make the uncaring decision to
mentally beat yourself up; do not treat yourself with the harshness that your abusers have
treated you with. In every encounter you have with the object of your obsession, stop and
think about each choice you make. Make choices that are only in your best interest.

How I can increase self-love listening to music

Day 1
How I can increase self-love concerts

Day 2
How I can increase self-love baths

Day 3
How I can increase self-love tapétázás

Day 4
How I can increase self-love exercises

Day 5
How I can increase self-love kiegészítők

Day 6
How I can increase self-love pc parts, getting together with people and
eat
Day 7

If you find yourself feeling weak, don’t mentally berate yourself, but rather talk to
yourself in compassionate, understanding, and reflective ways. Remind yourself that
you are a work in process and life is a journey.

6. Learn to grieve. Letting go of a toxic relationship and breaking a traumatic bond may
be one of the hardest things you ever have to do. You cannot do it without honoring the
reality you are losing something very valuable to you.

While the toxic person’s feelings may not have been real - yours were/are and
honoring them means allowing yourself to grieve the relationship you thought you were
going to have, the relationship that you believed you would be getting and the pain of the
reality of realizing that this person was/is toxic and did not love you the way you wanted and
deserved to be loved.

1. WHAT DID YOU LOVE ABOUT gave signs that s wants me, kinky,
YOUR PARTNER? sometimes could connect to heart and s felt
it, intensity of how s felt

2. WHAT HAD YOU HOPED WOULD get together and talk, hs, lv
HAPPEN REGARDING THE
RELATIONSHIP?

3. WHAT WERE THE FUTURE EVENTS hs, hugs, lv

THAT YOU WILL HAVE TO LET GO OF
WHEN ACCEPTING REALITY?

4. WHAT HURTS MOST ABOUT játékosság, I couldn’t tell my truth, my

LETTING GO OF THE RELATIONSHIP? truth haven’t been heard

5. WHAT ARE YOU LOSING NOW unmet needs, fantasy, speaking my treuth
THAT THE RELATIONSHIP HAS
ENDED? (IS IT A FANTASY, AN
ILLUSION, UNMET NEEDS?)
7. Write a list of bottom-line behaviors for yourself that reflect both physical and
emotional boundaries.

Ex: I will not stay with someone who yells, screams and calls me names

I will not allow myself to feel responsible for someone else’s bad behavior.

I will not stay with someone who isn’t honest. I will not stay with someone who disresp,
spilling secrets infront of me.
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8. Build your life. Little by little, start dreaming about your future for yourself (and your
children, if you have them); in other words, make dreams that don’t involve your traumatic
partner. Maybe you want to go to school, start a hobby, go to church, or join a club. Start
making life-affirming choices for yourself that take you away from the toxic interactions that
have been destroying your peace of mind.

hobby exercises, job mb far away,

9. Build healthy connections. The only way to really free yourself from unhealthy
connections is to start investing in healthy ones. Develop other close, connected, and bonded
relationships that are not centered on drama. Make these your “go-to” people. It is extremely
difficult to heal without support. Notice the people in your life who show you loving
concern, and care and hang around with them as often as you can. Spend time with people
who make you feel good about yourself.

who mke me feel good ab mself

10. Seek help from a qualified coach or therapist, if more help is needed. Be patient with
yourself on this road to recovery – breaking trauma bonds does not happen overnight and the
healing is often not linear.