THE ADVENTURES OF BERT

(The Tale of a Goofball)

Written by: Bryan Kylle S. Lo

THE ORDINARY PERSON

(Bert is a young man who seems to goof around most of the time unintentionally or
logically at some point.) would like to hear your ambition in life

Setting: Classroom

Scenario:

Teacher: Good day Class! Our lesson for today is all about outlook and ambition in life. I
would like to hear from each of you, your outlook and ambition in life.

(Everyone started raising their hands, and the teacher called them to recite one by one)

Lin: I want to become a Doctor, so that I can help ordinary people about their health
concerns

James: I want to become a Police Officer so that I can save ordinary people from harm and
danger.

Kath: I want to become an agriculturist/ farmer so that I can provide food for people.

Teacher: That is very nice of you! How about you Bert?

Bert: I just want to be an ordinary person so that all the services they want to offer and
give, I will be the recipient.
BERT THE SWORD SWALLOWER

(After the class, Bert decided to pursue circus as a sword swallower. He wanted to imitate
the sword swallower he had watched during his free time and was inspired to become one.)

Setting: Bert’s House

Scenario:

(Bert approaches his mother to ask if he could be a sword swallower)

Bert: Mom, I watched an act in the circus yesterday aBertnd I saw a man swallowing
swords and blades. Can I learn that trick mom? So that I can perform sword swallowing
act and be famous.

Mom: No! I would allow you to learn anything nd try anything but not sword swallowing,
got it? It is very dangerous son.

Bert: Okay Mom(sighs with disappointment)

(Bert went to his Dad to insist his interest in sword swallowing)

Bert: Hi Dad!, umm, I just saw an amazing trick/act which is sword swallowing, Can I
learn that trick Dad? Can I be a sword swallower?

Dad: Its okay for me son, but ask your Mom firdt about that.

Bert: I already did Dad, and she said No!! that’s why Im here trying to convince you Dad.

Dad: No wonder son, ever since your Mom and I got married, she never got interested in
sword swallowing. ( Chuckles and laughs)

Bert: I did not know Mom was in the circus dad!?

Dad: I’ll explain it to you when you got older

BERT THE GENIUS

Setting: Classroom

Scenario:

(Time flies so fast, and examination day is already taking place. Bert never studies so hard
and plays a lot instead, and now that it is examination day, he needs to become a genius to
pass)

Teacher: To ensure that you have learned a lot this semester, I will conduct a summative
test to assess your knowledge about the subject.

(Everyone is anxious and nervous about the test)

Bert: (Whispering) Hey James! I don’t know the answers to this test, can you help me out?

James: (Responded in a whispering manner) Sure Bert, but be sure to not copy everything
okay?

Bert: (Evil smile) Of course James, Thank you. I would only use your answers as basis for
mine.

(After everyone is done with the test, the teacher checked all the papers and the teacher
found out that Bert and James have the same answer)

Teacher: (Pissed and angry, Im pretty sure it was Bert, James is a great student) Bert!
explain to me why you and James have the same answer? Did you cheat?

Bert: No Ma’am I did not cheat!

Teacher: Then explain to me why your answer is exactly the same as James’s answer?

Bert: Well, umm, (Bright idea pops up) We have the same answer Ma’am because the
questions are the same! Its plain logic Ma’am

(Everyone chuckles and laughs as the Teacher sent Bert to the Principal’s office)
BERT THE PHYSICIST

Setting: In an Airport

Scenario:

(Bert will have his flight back to his motherland after finishing his studies and landing a
job in Europe and he decided to buy stuffs for his family)

Bert: Oh boy this seems to be a lot of stuff, I wonder how much it will cost as extra
baggage?

Airport Officer: Good day Sir, the total amount for your excess baggage will be $ 1,000

Bert: What? Your weighing scale musg be messed up. Its very expensive.

Airport Officer: Sure it is Sir, because all excess baggage will be placed on a separate
plane.

Bert: ( pops an idea in his head) hmmm, so if I will carry all my stuffs it will not be
considered excess baggage?

Airport Officer: Indeed Sir, however it will be troublesome for you to carry all of those
stuff by yourself Sir.

(Bert run into a nearby rest room and wore all the stuff he bought for his family)

Bert: (Stiffly walking because of all the layers of clothing and pants that he wore)

Airport Security; (suspicious about Bert’s actions) Excuse me Sir, why are you walking like
that?

Bert: I have a recent injury Sir

Airport Security: What’s with all the watches you got there Sir?

Bert: I want to know all the time in the world, In Sydney it is 6:00 pm ,in Japan it is 6:00
pm , in United States of America it is 6:00 pm.

Airport Security: Hey it’s the same!!

Bert: Yes, because Time is relative.

BERT BEING ROBBED

(Upon arrival to his motherland, Bert decided to grab some coffee in the nearby coffee
shop)

Bert: (Plying the overpass of an intersection)

Fat robber: ( Sinister voice) Hey! Give me your phone or else I will stab you!

Bert: (Shivers in fear) Take it easy man. I will give you my phone, just don’t hurt me.

Fat robber: (Grabs the phone and runs quickly)

(Bert did not move an inch due to extreme fear, Few meters away, the fat robber stopped
and got tired while running towards the overpass)

Fat robber: (Breathing heavily) Hey you!, here, here is your phone darn it, I did not know
that the stairs to this overpass is that hard to climb.

Bert: (Still in shock and is unable to speak)

Fat robber: (In an awkward manner walked beside Bert) Hey, umm, would you mind just
giving me few cents? I got tired trying to run, I need to grab some drinks. Don’t judge me
bro its my first day.

Bert: ( Gave the fat robber few cents then he run away quickly before the fat robber
changes his mind)

Bert: (Talking to himself and laughing) Unreal!! If this are the kinds of robbers no one will
get robbed.