Rappler's Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer

and clinical psychologist Dr Margarita Holmes. Jeremy has a master's degree in

law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in 3 continents, he
has been training with Dr Holmes for the last 10 years, as co-lecturer and,
occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns
intrude into their daily lives.

Together, they have written two books: "Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality" and
"Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons."

Dear Dr Holmes and Mr Baer:

I am a pre-op transwoman. I have a foreign boyfriend who looks at me as if I were a true woman. He asked me
if I were a top or a bottom.

But I am a woman, I feel like a woman and I do what real women do in bed, I told him. Therefore, I am a bottom.

But why is my boyfriend (Robert) like that? He told me he looks upon me as a woman, so why does he have to
ask me whether I am a top or a bottom? Does he think this is what transwomen do in real life? Am I just his
sexual fetish? He knows I am a transwoman. I didn’t hide anything about my person.

(The men I meet on these websites) ask more questions about sex than about other aspects of myself, even if
we are just on the getting-to-know-you stage. Is that natural, Mr Baer? Dr Holmes? - Joy

***

Dear Joy:

In last week's column, "Transwoman Problems," Jeremy explained how people are more honest about their
different sexual orientations and gender identities.

If Robert hopes to have sex with someone else (let’s say you, Joy) he would be curious about how sex will be
like with you. If Robert is straightforward, he may ask you just straightforwardly, the way he did: "Are you top or
bottom?”

This might be a good sign, showing Robert to be a man who clarifies what confuses him asap, so that he can
concentrate on the essential—a deep relationship with you that goes beyond the physical. And yet the physical
is important because, having met at a website that focuses on transgenders and those who wish to have
relationships with them, that is the very basis of your meeting: you are a transsexual looking for relationship/s
and he is a person curious about or excited by relationships with transsexuals. This might be a bad sign,
however, if all he wants is to cut to the chase, ending with you as the prize, a mere sex object to satisfy him.

Jeremy’s advice seems particularly apt at this point: “(If his questions are) based on ignorance rather than
malice, give him the benefit of the doubt and treat it as an opportunity to teach him. If however you think he
should (by this time) be well aware of the issues involved, tread carefully because …your instinct that (you are)
a sexual fetish may not be far from the mark.”
Can you tell us more about your interactions, dearest Joy, so we can help answer your questions more
accurately? - Margie

***

Dear Dr Holmes and Mr. Baer:

Thank you once more for your answering my letter. Here is the way our communication goes: We talk via
Facebook and Skype everyday. I make sure I tell him what I am feeling, but every time I do so, it seems he gets
horny because our conversation always goes back to sex.

Yesterday is an example. We were chatting and I got hurt because while he was talking to me, he kept on liking
the different photos of different transwomen on the site. Of course I got angry. I felt he was getting bored with
me. So I made tampo (pouted at him) and after that I no longer paid any attention to him. He became
emotional and it was only then that I learned that he has a big problem. He keeps on saying he is a loser and
keeps on failing at everything he does. - Joy

***

Dear Joy:

Uh-oh. I so hope you won’t think I am rash in judging when I say I don’t think Robert is the man for you. Here’s
why:

When you made tampo, thus telling him that he did something that displeased you, he neither apologized nor
tried to find out more about what he did so he could explain/rectify matters. Instead, he shifted the
conversation back to himself, giving you some sob story about how much of a loser he is.

This is a man who doesn’t listen. Either he is too thick to pick up on your making tampo, or he doesn’t care
about how you feel.

If all you wanted was a quick coupling and then goodbye, it wouldn’t matter. However, you want more than that,
don’t you, Joy? And this man will probably bring you only heartache in the end.

By the way, Jeremy agrees with me 100%. - Margie

***

Dear Dr. Holmes and Mr Baer:

I hear what you’re saying, but I love him. I cannot explain why but I love him so much. I am not afraid of being
hurt or disappointed. In all my relationships, I make sure that I give my 100%. And if they leave me anyway, at
least it won’t be painful because I know I gave it my all. I will not wonder if I was lacking in any way, because I
know I did my best.

Oh, Dra. and Sir Jeremy, I feel like crying because of all this drama in my life! Thank you again for all your
messages to me. - Joy