Some people think traditional games are better than modern games in helping children develop their

abilities, to what extent do you agree?

No one can deny that new games have dominated the market, some people like
the outdated games. While others prefer new games. My personal opinion is
that old games are beneficial comparing it to modern games. I feel this way
because of health reasons, which I will illustrate in the following essay.

To begin with, there is a severe effect happening to the kids who used to
play video games for a long time. Causing a problematic for their mental and
physical health. For example, children who playing video games for a long
period are likely to become introverted people eventually, as a result of
lockdown themself in the home while playing games. Moreover, the effect of
gaming reaches to the body itself. A child who playing those games frequently
will encounter the obesity, the reason for that happened when they are sitting
around the clock playing and without any feeling of time, resulting in slow down
their metabolism as consequences, they are likely to gain weight easily;
therefore, I advise parents always should watch out their kids, and show them
some alternative games, that has some kind of mobility and help them to be
gregarious.

Secondly, there are plenty of advantages which can kids get benefit from the
traditional games. Those games might help the kid to become more sociable
and increase their intelligence. For instance, when I was afresh student at the
university. I had a problem; I did not have any friends yet. However, by joining
the football team, I create my special team and I got a lot of friends. Besides
making friends, I noticed that I lost five Kilograms from my weight, that was
amazing. Also, some games help to raise kid's average thinking. A diligent study
showed that Kids who used to play chess are a way smarter from kids who play
video games. By playing those kinds of games which help them to think
critically, they might be a scientist when they grow.
In conclusion, it's clear from the evidence in the essay, that traditional games
are benefiting society by preparing a terrific generation, and that is an amazing
goal.

Mohammed, I pointed out the main issues that I saw in this essay. Primarily, for
me is the paragraph progression. The second body paragraph is more coherent
than the first, for sure. However, both paragraph do not connect with the thesis
the way they should. Also, there are a number of grammatical mistakes and
vocabulary ones. This is what I suggest:
 write down a definition of traditional games (as you understand it) and modern ones
 find examples of traditional and modern games (this will help with correct paraphrasing so you
don’t use words that are either vague or wrong for the context)

write an outline of the essay and send it to me (you remember what an outline is: the main ideas of the
body paragraphs

Since you asked for a mark, I would probably give this essay no more than 3.5/5, given the issues I
mentioned.

Well, first of all, thank you very much for your valuable notes. I appreciate it Juna. I just googled
thedefinition of traditional game and it means games which we used to play with in society in
old days such as kite flying or top spinning. My thought went completely off the topic, I thought
is old games. Whereas, modern gamesmean that games which rely on television or internet
connection, like PlayStation or computers games.

Yes, good job. It’s always important to think concretely when tackling these tasks. And even if you had
something else in mind, it’s ok, but by defining it for yourself and for the reader, your writing will
become clearer. It’s better to misunderstand one word but explain it and be logical when writing, then
talking in a general or vague about it and getting confused.

Disadvantages of modern games Advantages of traditional games

Health reasons ( eyesight / obesity) in a nutshell: Healthier ( some games require run or jump or
PHYSICAL health kick such as Kicking the rattan ball or top
you also mentioned MENTAL health before (which spinning (exactly: some of them)
you may or may not want to address)
Expensive ( price/ internet bill cost) we need some Cheap cost almost nothing (you need a ball for
details here some of these games)
Less social why? Lots of “gamers” (people who More social since you have to play in a group
play computer games) do so virtually, by being (e.g. ?)
connected to other people. Some of them really Why is this good?
become friends in life.

So, good job Mohammed. Now your next step (apart from addressing my comments in red) is to decide
howyou want to structure those body paragraphs. Because your main points for each are basically
health, price, and sociability, you have two options:

1. have two body paragraphs: one devoted to each type of game

2. have 3 body paragraphs: where you compare and contrast each aspect (health, price …)

Because the TOEFL is slightly longer (300 words) I would suggest option 2. But ultimately you decide.

Since you’re arguing for something, argumentative language might be useful here (for all toefl task 2
actually) so check out a few of these expressions.

https://www.is34.org/pdfs/Examples_of_Argumentative_Language.PDF

After deciding your paragraph structure, start writing these paragraphs. Option 1 would just be a First,
Second, Finally type of paragraph (as discussed in clas). An outline for Option 2:

Topic Sentence: First, of all modern games can negatively affect children’s health.

OOPS! And I just read the exam question (I got so caught up that I didn’t remember it properly). It says:
develop children’s ABILITIES . So, this is a different topic. We are asked to think about skills. We’re back
to brainstorming. How do you understand skills? What are some skills that each of these games can
provide children and ultimately do you think that traditional games are better in this aspect?

P.S. If you want to write those paragraphs for the previous one, do it! It will actually be easier for me to
give you then feedback on your sentences if you are starting small.
I will try to write another outline which will be special for the abilities for a both games. And I will step
a side and choose the traditional games. I’m thinking to state the both advantages in developing
children abilities, however, I will mention the reason why I choose Traditional games in conclusion as
well as in the introduction.

What you think Juna ?

Develop the abilities in the traditional games
Develop the mobility of the children EX: top
spinning, kicking the rattan ball
Develop talking and good behavior skills bcoz
child will interact with different ages (Seniors)
Develop the abilities in the modern games
Develop their ability to use computers and think
critically.
Develop their ability to use internet and socialize
remotely.