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Life Kit TOOLS TO HELP YOU GET IT TOGETHER

Accept The Awkwardness: How To Make Friends

(And Keep Them)
August 19, 2019 · 12:25 AM ET

JULIA FURLAN

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Lindsey Balbierz for NPR

Craving connection and friendship with other people is a fundamental part of being
human. But what does being a friend mean in a world where hackers are trying to be
your "friend" on Facebook?

The act of making and being a friend is as simple as it is This story comes from Life Kit, NPR's family of
difficult. We spoke with experts to help find ways to make podcasts for making life better — everything

new friends, as well as to take better care of the from finances to exercise to raising kids. For
more, sign up for the newsletter and follow
friendships you already have.
@NPRLifeKit on Twitter.

Here are a few of their insights:

Accept the awkwardness and assume that other people need new friends,
too

It's weird and uncomfortable to make new friends. When you reach out to somebody
you don't know well — whether that's sending the first text message or making small
talk in the elevator — you often feel exposed. You have to accept that awkwardness and
the vulnerability it stems from, because guess what? You can't have friends without
getting vulnerable.

Remember that people will like you more than you think they will

When you are moving through the world, don't forget that human connection is yours
for the taking. It's science: Gillian Sandstrom, a senior lecturer in psychology at the
University of Essex in the United Kingdom, has done research on something called the
"liking gap," which says that the little voice in your head telling you that somebody
didn't like you very much is wrong, so don't listen to it.

"When you talk to someone else, you're actually going to brighten their day,"
Sandstrom says.

If you're up for it, Gillian and her colleagues have developed a scavenger hunt
challenge to help you talk to strangers.

Invest in activities that you love

Ask anyone about how to make friends and they will most likely tell you to try a new
hobby. It might sound hollow, says Heather Havrilesky, the advice goddess behind the
"Ask Polly" column on the website The Cut, but it works.

"Do the things you're passionate about and you will naturally draw people to you, and
you'll naturally connect with other people because you'll be in the right place,"
Havrilesky says.

Don't forget to start with something you are actually interested in, and if it doesn't
work out, remind yourself that you contain multitudes! You don't have to be interested
in just one thing.

It's OK to treat friendship as seriously as you would dating

Having friends is one of the most nourishing parts of LIFE KIT

being alive, so it's not weird or bad or wrong to prioritize Want Stronger Friendships?
Pull Out Your Notepad
it. Get comfortable putting yourself out there a little bit.
Carve the time and space you need to find and nourish
your friendships. It's what all the cool kids are doing.*

Be present

The planet is warming, our news alerts are constant, and there's so much good
television out there to watch. We get it. But if you want to prioritize and nourish your
friendships, you have to show up for them. We have a few tips for being present and
engaged with your friends:

1. Listen and notice things about your friend.

2. Take notes! It will help you remember your conversations and allow you
points of connection later.

3. Remember the names of folks in your friends' lives. Another thing that
can help: Ask to see a picture of the person they're talking about so it
sticks better in your head.

Resources:

Sandstrom's research on the liking gap found that after strangers have
conversations, they are liked more than they know. She gives detailed
instructions for how to get in on her scavenger hunt.

Havrilesky rounded up all her "Ask Polly" advice on friendship in this story in
The Cut.

Journalist Rachel Wilkerson Miller gives great advice about being honest when
people ask how you're doing, plus a detailed guide to how to show up for people
in small and large ways. Look for her book, The Art of Showing Up, in spring
2020.

Gillian Sandstrom's scavenger hunt instructions can be found here. You can
even take part in her research!

*This author does NOT guarantee or endorse coolness as a concept and very likely has
no idea what proverbial cool kids are up to.

life kit: life skills

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