The Best of

Relationships &
Romance

10 Year Anniversary!

The Riot! Best of 2004 to 2014

1
Barbara Moran Two Traffic Lights Dancing

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 The Riot!
10 Year Anniversary Edition
Best of 2004-2014
Relationships & Romance
The Riot! is a publication of
the Human Services Research Institute (HSRI)

Portland, Oregon

Prepared by: Risa Rojas & Yoshi Kardell of HSRI

And our hard-working interns from

Tualatin High School

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2014
 Acknowledgements
Do You Love The Riot! ? We do and we love our
readers too! We hope you enjoyed reading The Riot! over
the years as much as we enjoyed putting it together.

The Riot was born in 2004 and was never your typical
policy rag. We published The Riot! as a quarterly
newsletter for many years. We imagined a newsletter that
would make noise about tough issues but also focus on
everyday living. We wanted to be edgy, informative, and
fun– pie in the face fun. Yes, you might notice that we were
influenced sometimes by Mad Magazine. Humor, after all,
sometimes helps us discuss hard things.

Most of all we’d like to thank the many people over the
years that helped make The Riot! great.

So here is a THANK YOU!!! to:

Betty Williams Eric Yeary Julie Petty

Byron Murray Erica-Rachael Fiel Kerri Melda
Chester Finn Jaime Daignault Marion West
Cindy Helvington Jazmyne Johnston Michael Fodge
Dayna Davis Jeff Ladd Nancy Ward
Drew Smith Jennifer Negus Rebecca Cokley
Elizabeth Pell Joe Meadours Rebecca Hare
Eric Matthes John Agosta Ricky Broussard
Teresa Moore

Finally, in memory of her extraordinary commitment to self-

advocacy, we offer a special thank you to Reena Wagle.
 Inside this issue:

8 Tips for Finding a Date 3

Teresa Says... 5
First Date Tips 7

Silly Pet Names for Your 9

Marion Says... 11

Support Our Relationships 13

Healthy Relationships 15

Stages of Love 19

Ask Cubby 25

Ask Jack & Jill 31

The Riot! is a publication of the Human Services Research Institute (HSRI)

1
Relationships &
Romance

Tips
&
Advice

2
8 Tips for Finding a Date
July 2004: The Riot Is Born

So you think you want to have a boyfriend or

girlfriend in your life? You might start by asking
someone out on a date. How do you find a date?
That’s a good question. Well, The Riot! has the
answers! If you want to find a date, just follow these
eight steps:

1. Find someone you want to date.

Look around at self-advocacy meetings, work, the
store, or the Laundromat! When you meet
someone you or your friends don’t know, be
careful! Don’t give out your phone number to
anybody who asks for it. Trust your gut feelings, but
if you’re not sure, ask a good friend for help.

2. Ask the person out!

Don’t be shy people… someone has to speak up
first!

3. Have a fun first date.

Talk about where you want to go and
who will pay. These days it’s OK to
share the cost of a date. If you can,
it’s OK to pay for your date too.

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4. Talk about fun things.
Get the conversation
started! Ask your date
questions about what they like
to do for fun.

5. Be yourself!
No need to try to be cool or
cute. They already know you
are!

6. Do the right thing!

Always be kind and thoughtful to your date.
And, don’t be pushy. It’s not important to get to
first base on the first date. If you’re nice, he or
she will want to see you again!

7. If you’re getting along… ask for another date.

Don’t be shy. If you want to go out again, say so.
Chances are your date feels the same way. Go
ahead – ASK!

8. Don’t ever get discouraged.

Keep trying. Things don’t always work out. If they
do, then good for you! If they don’t, then start
over. Remember… there is someone for
everybody out there! Good luck!

4
Teresa Says…
by Teresa Moore
January 2005: Four More Years

Admit it! You’re thinking about relationships because

it’s nearly Valentine’s Day! You’re either thinking
about one you have or one you want, right?
Relationships can be good or bad. I know I’ve had
some really bad ones. But I’ve had really good ones
too. Being in a good relationship is wonderful—life just
seems so much better! In a good relationship people:

 Treat each other with respect

 Enjoy their time together

 Support and trust each other

 Are honest about their past

 Have more good times together than bad times.

Sometimes relationships can be bad. What is a bad

relationship? In bad relationships people:

 Make each other feel bad

 Say mean things or call each other names

 Hit, kick, or throw things

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  Control who their partner talks to or spends time
with

 Try to stop their partner from leaving the

relationship.

Do you see your relationship in these lists? If you’re in a

good relationship both of you feel good about
yourselves — especially when you’re together. If
you’re in a bad relationship get some help! Tell a
friend, a parent, or someone you trust!

Remember: Every one of us deserves to be

respected, cared about, and valued for who we are.

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First Date Tips
January 2005: Four More Years

Need some tips for a first date? Here are some tips
from other self-advocates:

DON’T...

Don’t be late. First impressions are important.

Don’t do something totally embarrassing like swearing

or spitting.

Don’t assume that you’re going to get a kiss.

Don’t try to get to home base on the first date!

Don’t expect sex or ask for sex!

DO...

Do look your best. Being clean is important!

Do ask your date what he or she wants to do.

Do be yourself—no one else can do it better!

Do get to know each other—ask questions.

Do take it slow. No need to rush a friendship.

Do let your date know he or she is special!

Do go out again if you like each other!

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8
Silly Pet Names for Your Sweetie
January 2005: Four More Years

Have you ever heard of ‘terms of endearment’?

These are words that people call the ones they love.
And let’s face it, some are nice, some are sexy, and
some are just plain sappy! Here’s a silly list of pet
names we came up with:

Angel

Baby Cakes

Babe

Beautiful

Boo

Cupcake

Cutie-pie

Darling

Dumpling

Foxy Mami or Foxy Papi

Honey-Bun

Hot Stuff

Kitten

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 Love

Love-Bug

Lover-Boy

Monkey

Muffin

Pookie

Puddin’

Sexy

Snookums

Sugar

Sweetie

What do you think? Have you heard any of these

before? If you have, you must be lucky in love! If
not, now you can choose several to use on your
next “Honey-Bun”.

10
Marian Says…
by Marian West
April 2006: I Love You

Love is a very special thing. It’s a commitment

between two people that gives you good feelings.
When you’re in love, you can depend on him or her to
help you through your ups and downs. When you
have hard times, you can talk to each other. In my
experience, if he doesn’t help you, he’s no good.
When you’re dating, it’s important to be true to each
other. Be honest and don’t keep secrets from each
other. It will surely be a bad thing when the other
person finds out. That’s no way to have a love affair.

If you’re lonely, you should go out more and see what

happens. While you’re out,
check out the guys or gals to
see if there’s anyone you might
be compatible with.

I’m not in love or looking for

love right now. There’s simply
too many men out there. I’m
still young and I like to love ‘em and leave ‘em. That’s
the best thing to do. There are no problems that way.

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12
Support Our Relationships
by Betty Williams with Paula Traverse-Charlton

April 2006: I Love You

Self-advocates are not supported to have intimate

relationships. This needs to change. Paula has
experience working for a provider agency that helps
people experience healthy intimacy.

Betty: How do you help people with disabilities feel

comfortable with intimacy?

Paula: A provider has to believe that self-advocates

want to have a conversation and are capable of inti-
macy. So, if I’m a provider and not comfortable talk-
ing to a person, then we are not going to have an
honest conversation.

Betty: Do you think things like age affect their comfort

level when talking about intimacy?

Paula: Yes. For years self-advocates were told not to

talk about intimacy. So now that we want to talk, it’s
hard to do it. Conversations don’t happen sometimes
because self-advocates are afraid to talk about what
they want in their lives.

Betty: What advice do you have about trying to

change attitudes?

Paula: When you discuss intimacy, think through what

you want to say. Be ready to hear a different opinion
such as, “We’re not sure you know how to keep

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yourself safe.” Don’t get angry or defensive. Tell the
provider why you know you are
ready and can keep yourself safe.
Remember, your service
providers work for you! If you are
not happy with them then look for
another one. All people need to
understand that having
relationships is a right for ALL
people.

Helpful guidelines to think about:

 Find a person you feel comfortable talking with,

maybe a good friend, a teacher or a staff
person.

 If it’s hard for you to talk, tell the person you are
meeting with that you are uncomfortable. This
may relax both of you.

 Let the person know if you want the conversation

to be private and not shared.

 Start the conversation by, “This is what I’m

thinking,” or “This is what I’m feeling...”

 Go to places such as your local Planned

Parenthood office where staff are very open and
comfortable talking about intimacy and sexuality.

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Healthy Relationships
by Aaron Baier
January 2010: Let’s Talk About Sex

The relationships we have with people are an

important part of our lives. It’s important to know
when they are “healthy.” Can you tell if a relationship
is healthy or not?

Three things come to mind: honesty, trust, and respect.

It’s hard to have a good relationship with someone
who isn’t honest with you. If they lie, you would have
a hard time trusting and respecting that person.

Whether you’re straight, gay, lesbian, bisexual, or from

another planet, the more open you are with your
partner, the closer you will become. Be open about
who you are and what you need from the relationship.
Allow them to be open and listen to them.

Remember, it’s okay to take it slow. You don’t have to

tell them everything on the first date.

Another sign of a healthy

relationship is physical
closeness. This shows you’re
comfortable with your partner.

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It could be holding hands, kissing, hugging, or even
having sex. Only move to this stage in a
relationship if you and your partner are ready.
It’s unhealthy to be pressured or to pressure your
partner into a physical relationship.

Everyone has a right to have healthy relationships.

Being a strong self-advocate will help you to find
people that you want to be close to.

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17
Relationships &
Romance
Ask Cubby
&
Ask Jack & Jill

18
Stages of Love
Expert Advice from Cubby

For some, love is planned. You make plans about how

to get someone to go out with you. You hope that
you’ll fall in love. If it doesn’t work out, you make plans
to move on and start again.

For others, love just happens. Suddenly, you look up

and—whamo! Love at first sight! Then you find out
you’ve been dumped.

But what happens in between the beginning and the

end? The Riot! interviewed several self-advocates
around the country to find out. We discovered there
are several stages of love. Cubby helped us with his
advice.

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Looking for love

It’s hard to find the right person to be in love with,

isn’t it? Here’s what one person said.

“I try to meet girls at school, church, the mall, or the

library. I’m looking for a girl with a good heart and
soul who loves me for who I am. If I could find a girl
to look past my chair—at me the person, I would
treat her like a queen.”

Cubby says:

Keep your head up. There’s someone out there who

will accept you for who you are. Eventually, you will
find the girl of your dreams.

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Stages of Love
Expert Advice from Cubby

Playing at love

Have you ever heard of a “player”? A “player” likes to

get in and out of love with lots of people at the same
time without getting caught.

“I try to get as many girls as I can to kiss me and like

me more than they should. I use lines from movies or
songs. A good line is ‘You are always on my mind.’
Another is ‘I just can’t help falling in love with you.’ Or
‘You’re the only one for me.’

It’s important not to get caught. You have to keep

everyone’s names straight. Don’t go out with girls who
know each other either. And you have to keep
moving. Keep the relationships short.

If you get caught, you can try to deny it. Then you
have to change the subject. You can say or do
something extra nice for her to get her mind off it. But
after that you should probably move on before you
get caught again.“

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Cubby says:

I get lots of letters about guys like this! You are going
to get yourself in trouble. If those girls find out about
what you’re doing, they might gang up on you. But
seriously, you may get what you deserve and you
might never have a real
girlfriend.

Being new at love

According to one self-advocate,

being new at love is an empowering experience. He’s
been dating the same person for five months.

“Having a relationship is a commitment and being

honest and respectful to the person you are with. I
believe in being happy and just knowing that you
have the power to make a relationship happen. If
you work at it, great things will happen.”

Cubby says:

Congratulations on finding real love. Great things will

happen if you keep working as a team. Remember to
always be honest.

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Stages of Love
Expert Advice from Cubby

Long-term love

In this stage, new love

becomes the kind of love
that lasts for many
months or even years.

Long term love is “Not minding if they see you at

your worst or your best. You share more with them
because you trust them. You can’t wait for special
days to celebrate to give gifts that remind you of
your silly times together.”

Cubby says:

Stories like these always make me cry. Remember,

each moment is a special moment when you’re with
someone you love (sniff).

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Getting dumped
Have you ever been dumped? If you have, don’t
feel bad. Even Cubby has been dumped.

“Getting dumped was a shock! She said I was too

busy working, going to ball games and spending
time with my friends. I explained that my job comes
first, friends second, and her third. She didn’t like
that answer.”

Cubby says:
It’s important to compare your values. If you’re not
willing to accept the other person’s values, a
relationship won’t last long.

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Need Romance Advice?
Ask Cubby!
Dear Cubby,

I really like a boy and want to go on a date with him

but I’m afraid to ask him out. Any advice?

Shy in South Dakota

Dear Shy,

Ask him to a movie with you and

your friends. While you’re out, be
open and honest. If you’re honest, your friendship will
be like a flower. It might be slow in the beginning but
it will grow. Good things can take time.

Sincerely,
Cubby

25
Dear Cubby,

My friends told my crush that I like her. Now, every

time I see her, I can’t help but run away. Can you
help?

Embarrassed in
Estacada

Dear Embarrassed,

You’ve got to stop

running. If you want to get to know her, at least smile
when you see her. Then, try saying “Hi”. She might say
“Hi” back. Soon, you’ll get enough confidence to talk
with her. Don’t rush. Getting used to a new person
takes time. Especially if you’re distracted by how
funny or pretty she is.

Sincerely,

Cubby

26
Need Romance Advice?
Ask Cubby!
Dear Cubby,

My boyfriend never gets me anything for

Valentine’s Day. What should I do?

Waiting in Nevada

Dear Waiting,

Tell him before Valentine’s Day that you wish he’d get
you something because you will get him something
too. If he doesn’t come through and it’s really
important to you, maybe you should think about why
you still like him so much.

Sincerely,
Cubby

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Dear Cubby,

My boyfriend and I want to get married. But he has

a guardian, his dad, who says that he can’t get
married. What can we do?

Wedding Bells Wanted in Chicago

Dear Wedding Bells,

Tell dad that he needs to grow up. Your boyfriend

should tell him that he loves his lady and should
have the option to get married. Then he should ask
why he can’t. If dad still won’t budge, it’s time to
get some help. Try a pastor or family friend.

Sincerely,
Cubby
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Need Romance Advice?
Ask Cubby!

Dear Cubby,

My boyfriend used to take good care of himself. Now

he doesn’t brush his teeth or take a shower. He stinks!
What should I do?

Tired-of-it in Great Falls

Dear Tired-of-it,

Sit him down. Tell him that you don’t like the way he
treats himself and that he needs to change. He needs
to brush his teeth at least once a day and shower
every day so he doesn’t stink. Tell him that if he
doesn’t make these changes you that you will dump
him! Give him one day to shape up! Or you will ship
him out!

Sincerely,

Cubby

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Dear Cubby,

My boyfriend wants to go to baseball games a lot.

It’s very hot outside. I don’t want to go. He seems
to like all sports and I don’t. Should I tell him not to
go to the games?

Lonely in Dallas

Dear Lonely,

Talk to him about how you

feel. Here’s my advice: He is a guy and a lot of guys
like sports. Next time he goes to a game, go have
fun with your friends. Tell him to call you on your cell
phone if he misses you. Maybe you’ll answer. May-
be you won’t because you’re having too much fun!

Sincerely,

Cubby

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Need Romance Advice?
Ask Jack and Jill

I live in a group home and I want to go on a

date but the staff wants to come along. How
do I get rid of the chaperone?

Dear Reader,

This is a tricky one. Your staff may not understand that

you don't need a chaperone. Explain why you
appreciate their concern but that you are capable of
making this decision for yourself and that this is
private.

In case of an emergency, let your staff know where

you will be. Make sure you have your home
telephone number and address on you, in case
you need to explain to someone how to get to your
house.

These things will show the staff that you are

responsible and can handle going out on a date on
your own. Most importantly, once you do go out on
that un-chaperoned date, HAVE FUN!

~ Jill

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Dear Reader,

Transportation is a problem for people with

disabilities all over the world. Getting to and from
dates is no exception.

Talk to the staff in a nice way and tell them you only
need their assistance getting to and from your
date. Remind them that you are both over 21 and
should be treated as adults.

Make sure you know much it will cost so you don’t

have to rely on them to bail you out which could
mess up the date.

Other than that- be careful, safe, and have fun.

~ Jack

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Need Romance Advice?
Ask Jack and Jill

I’m lonely. How can I attract someone

to spend time with?

Dear Reader,

Try being funny or maybe flirt a little to get the person’s

attention. Make a move in your own style so they
know you like them. Start by talking about general
things. Remember to ask for their cell phone number
or email before wrapping up so you can get in touch
with them.

Pick up the phone and call them. If they aren’t busy,

talk for a while and flirt on the phone. If you’re in the
same city or state, meet up for a cup of coffee or a
walk in the park. Sit next to each other, hold hands
and get “lovey dovey”
while the sun is going
down.

~ Jack

33
Dear Reader,

First of all, whether you’re trying to attract a man or a

woman, the basics are the same. Don't try to be
someone you’re not just to attract someone else. Be
yourself.

Second, don't try too hard. That just makes you seem
desperate. A man or woman worth their weight in
gold will be more attracted to someone who has
confidence.

The best place to meet someone is doing something

you already like to do. That way, you will meet
someone who you know you will have something in
common with. If you are open, the right person will
come along at the right time.

~ Jill
34
Need Romance Advice?
Ask Jack and Jill

One of my friends has a crush on me. I

heard that he wants to ask me out but I
am not interested. How do I let him
down easy without hurting his feelings?

Dear Reader,

You are in a sticky situation girlfriend! But don’t worry.

The best answer is to be honest. Especially with
people you care about. If he asks you out, gently tell
him that you like him as a friend but not as a
boyfriend. Talk about what you think his best qualities
are or why he is your friend. Tell him that you value his
friendship and want to keep being friends. Being
honest is hard to do when you are worried about
hurting your friend’s feelings. In the end, you will be
proud of yourself for being a good friend and doing
the right thing.

~ Jill

35
Dear Reader,

Treat your friend to a drink. Let them know that you

like them just as a friend, and are not looking to get
into a relationship with them. Sometimes the other
person doesn’t want to take no for an answer and
can be stubborn. Maybe they’ll even change their
mind the next day. But if the next day comes and you
still want to be just friends, let them know that they are
sweet and that you respect them. Then hopefully they
will be ok just being friends and you two can still go
out and have fun together!

~ Jack

36
Need Romance Advice?
Ask Jack and Jill

Everyone around me seems to have a

boyfriend or girlfriend. What can I do to
meet someone new?

Dear Reader,

Wait until you find that special someone. A true

friendship is the key to having the guy or gal of your
dreams. Try going out and doing new things to meet
people. You could also strike up a conversation on
Facebook or other social networking websites. If you
meet someone on Facebook, ask your friends about
the person. If they know him or her and say good
things, it is probably ok to meet. A fun and safe way
to meet is on a double date. Do fun things together
and have a riot! One day you may get married on a
beach in Hawaii! The choice is yours because it is your
adventure in life.

~ Jack

37
Dear Reader,

Sometimes you have to relax and let things happen.

One idea is to focus on things you like and go to
places that interest you. For example, if you like art,
visit galleries, go to art shows or join art walks and talk
to people. When you are happy, you attract people!
You can also tell your friends that meeting new people
is something you have been thinking about. Ask them
to introduce you to fun and interesting people. When
you get introduced, learn about the person and see if
you hit it off.

~ Jill

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 Curtis Potter Untitled

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