EDOAI

CAYCE
IEIICAIIIATED
1
ASPSYCHIC
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1

BIO Z4•pa9e Book Bonus •••

TheBEST
ofEdAn9e
America's
wildest
column
 Impaled
bartender
picks up and
PLAYSradio
signals!

HE'.S JAM.MIN'! Fred Brunner never

ospn•O to be<ome o hurnon radio
and ceU phont? - but he djdl

wu,ar woa&.0#IWI 1 2002

 INSIDE
THISISSUE:

MELBOURNE, Aush'alia - Bartender Fred Brunner doesn't have a

screw loose in his head - following a freak accident, he's got a corkscrew
lodged in there. and now he's a walking multi-fre-
quency radio station! By GERRY RINGWALD
The embeddedtavern tool acts as an antenna,picking up inter-
national radio transmissions ---------
that have the 3'1-year-old emergency room where and because his father
Brunner hearing real voices neurosurgeon Or Albert
Sulman noted that lhe
llad died during brain sur-
gery, Brunner declined
nd music in his head. Not t'llrkscrew "'ti!> lodged at a t:reatment after being
only that, other people ca.n 47-degree angle in reassured that the
hear the tunes up to 25 feet 8runner's left brain lobe corkscrew was not 1mme
away. - in an area that controls diately life-threaterung.
Brunner·s unique gift theGi,-en
senseor hearing. By last count, he can
came after an on-the-job acci· delicate the corkscrew's
location, Or
""" get over 35 commer-
cial and shon:wa,-eradto
dent nearly killed hiln. Sulman wanted to operate frequencies
While auentpting to opena resist immediately But as he Brunner changes ,ta.
ant botUeof merlot with a rabbit ears was wheeled towards the lions by simply twisting
siyle corkscrew, lbe boozemeister operating room, Brunner the corkscrew slightly.
slipped and craeked his bead on the began to bear music. voic- His ability to piclc up
Ooor. es and stAtlc. music has made Brunner
When be regamedconsciousness, The drink-slinger had become a a "human boom box• as fmmds and
he roundthecorkscrew stuckIn his humanantl!l\11&, with the uncanny tuslomers flotk tc, dai!b!! arooi!d
skull - protruding like an ability to pick up radio bro.1dcasts' the one-man band as be doles out
old fashtoned TV According to Or. Sulman. the the drinks:
corkscrew was acung like a "lt's the best thing that ever hap
microwave anlcnn.i, feeding power• pened to me," be said. "I'm c.-en in
ful, high-frequency signals dlrectly demand at all sons of wedding11,
into Brunner's br.iinl parties and banquets
Intrigued wil h his new pow~rs "Uirs rap music,country, rock'n'
L--~ill.-~_....:!t.... __ ......__________________ ~ roll or even public
radio like I dJd for a
hbarian·s conven
cion last week, all 1
ha,•e 10 do is twist
lhe corkscrew and
lel It all pour out••
Brunner hasn·t
decided how long
he'll leave the
corkscrew In pl:lce
·Steeping can get
a little tncky and
because I haven't
gi"en up showens.
one or lhese dll)·s
it'a bound to ruat
"I guess I'll just
taJceit one day at a
lime." he adds. "For
the time being, rm
going to play 11for
everything it's
worth.
·For lbe lime
being.I'm a start•
 • • .1 docs
perform
LONDON - Carl Hendricks has a
huge mouth - and it got him into a world
of trouble wben he guzzled 21 beers and
emergency
swallowed a bowling ball that doctors C•section
actually had to ByMATT BETT
perform
lion to get out!
a C-sec- Wed<hill'orld .,,,.,.

A long night of bowling made possible by many

toremove ill
and booting took a traglc ffflors. doer.ors agree ex•
tum when the 2-40.pound cessive commmption of
Hcadricks swallowed a alcoholwas a key tactoi:
ball Ukean ll''ef'SiU!dpill They also noted that
"He's a sweet guy but his "jaw is hinged like
a lousy drunlC said bowl- a snake·s - an apparent
ing pal Skeet binh dclet'I - and
NICbolson. (;:\ he has a naturally
"We were talk• huge and gaping
Ing about "ho . mouth."
couldea111nddrink ~ - ·Our~ can
lhe most When 1 ~v. do ama.ting things
Cart said be could J when under lhe in·
down a ball, 1 Ouence of alcohol"
laug)led in lus face. __, said lhe surgeon
Bui I wasn't laugh• BOWLING who rut lhe ball out
ing for long.• BUDDYSkttt c,f Hendricks' stom•
Angered by lhe Nicholson. ach tn Whij\l~l)ital
Lawusof Nicholson Slaffcrs are eaUing
and other pals, and Stum· "• modi6edC-St'<'tion. •
blmg from swillinR 21 •Of course. his oddly
long-neck bottle; oThis hinged jaws and lhe fact
r.a,-orite beer. Hendricks lhal Mc Hendricks is a big
lifted a 10-pound ladies' mru; lllso helped.· t---:=·=, •
ball off the rental rack, Aller a three-day slay in
opened his moutb wide I.be hospnal. Hendricks is
and dropped in a 10-pound recovering from his or•
ladies' regulation ball deal at home.
Amazingly enough. "E\-erybody'slaugt,.,nglll
lhe horribly distended meandjokingaround but al
Hendricks bowled a few k>astthey knowone I.bing.•
shall,v.low ~ frames said Hendrit'ks. "When I
after the s1unt before he say I can outeat and ou1•
colla])Sedon the lane drink them all.I mean what
Wlulethe accident was I say!"

~1Hll.fl(WorldHNttsb a JourNII pubbtwd Nth 1uudlv t,y An"lff'Ufl._.

oClntor"'6tion__, OPl"llon
N..t.fllAOllfO
tOC"ltUfflltt
~ trc..5-QNW BN:lk4nSOI.IIOIIIIMS..80C,IRltM R.. lJ417 Artlcln IA Clrl'Wnm)l'T'I
........ or~n1 ~ rncWng ll'lt war1oPfl'SSMO°"' tcnqacomsponoe,n:1:1. WM!tto, WOttct......,ooet, ftOt..-
..... lldl o.--«uPt stones or~ UnsollatfdklNs orm•teriatsb«Ol"'lttr1tcnc-rtvotWetA1y Wottc1,,..,,
An ... ~con• andwll notbe r.tl.l"IWdtlCI' ~Mot.L SUBSCRPTOcS to WN';lyWQlrto ,_..,_, P.O.
8lclll
"290Z7,P1!m
CKA111MAK,
hN,1--...,,,,... COitlt. rt J2l4.l'1027 ~ e 2001 ~ 'lllwW~ lftC.
HUmDrT, KNIOIIW.ITUI
fOf'tl!t"\ Wt.')~V "OIILO ,,;ws (ISSN Glff-,700 Pulrffllw,l .... "IVby Am<'ricul.lkdla c-,,_
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t"1D' nccunv1: 1111,C:
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C:OITIMt-t•--<NIU Han-.~
Si.on p.,.....,
-p11d at Boca- ft..lNI ••-!Millofl-la lh< I/Sl. POS!"'.IIAS'l\:l<,S<,,d
0.,,Q09f'U
llddir-n11~ to \\>t;:l:.KLY \\Ot"tU) Nh'l\'S,P.O.Box ttms. llalm CCIIIJL.PL J!H?..«'$. Aw liUb-
.urT OUIICTOI' OUlo.l COITO!lt
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:t!l lt-0:!2$. O,nadian ~ l\egistnwlon No. IDJID!U lt..1: MNibtr ..
4 Wll,UT wo•a.o #IWS J•nuary 15, 2002
 lhatyour
Not•to-ohodylody
LaylaTremont ho,
be•n steaming up the
pGgesof European
fashion magazines

•
sinc,eshe wo.so girf of
19- ond now, ot the

•rn1ng
ago of 26, she hat her
tights ..et on moving
to Che.-aw, S.C. this
spring. Why Che.tcrw?
•t to•• small to""'"'••
she gushes ... , wont to
find a nic:eman to
mor,y there.!"'
breath
says
about
CHRISTCRURCB,New Zealand- Many of life's deci-
sions cau be based on the smell of your stale morning
breaU1,saysa noted doctor. ByMATTem
"While manypeople look to the Slat$ l\«k!y \',\,rid c'/
for file'sanswers,current research in • ""''
dJcatesthal your monung brealb Is an start a fighl ..,th )'Ollr spouse -
lnf.sllible
gwdancesystemon a dally ba and win.
sis," said Dr R. Nathaniel Quarters, "Myfindings ha\'e far-rcnching
lead researcher at the Olfact0ry lmptications." said Dr. Quarters.
Instituteof Auckland. "Theyare ''tTY empowering•
The study has found that peak effi. Unfortunately, it is not aJ"~-s
cien(l• L. regulated by specific cbemi easyto accuratelyassessthe smell
cals in the bloodstream.These chemi· of \'our own breath. Some people
cals can be easilydetected by malong can
cup lbe,r bands, exhale with
appropriate observalions or your their mouth and inhale through
breath upon waking. their nose.They are lhe luclc;yones.
"Doyouever wonder i! ~ would For the rest of us, the doctor
be a goodday to give a l'ormal prcscn- suggests"the buddy system.•
talion?" asked Dr. Quarters. "By "First thing each mornmg. ex-
smelling your breath 111the monung hale Into the fuce of a loved one.
and recognizinglhallt hasa dult musty !mite them to describe the samL
~mcll,you would know lMI you wilt bt' Then. allowthem to breath on you
mentally sba,;p, and ready for that for your analysis. for mal1)' fami.
presentation lies. it has become a runmorning
The moreyou knowabout these ntual •
chemicals,the better oble you "ill
be to play to your sl.rer\gthsand
make properdcclSl<lnS.Hel'eare
some further examplesof "''hat
Beanstalkwon't
to lookfor
• Billerbreath meansyour
stop.9rowing!
physicalobili!Jesare at a lugh ;11.-\\l'IELD, 1,,: '- ~tale
le\'el It \\VU!d be a goodday lo agric·ullul? e,pt;•rts are- kt~t....,..
nm a race or fightoff muggers inJ,!t•1hson u henust.alk that
• S"'eel breath !ManS your k~11s g.rowing and gnming.
creative juices are flowing. You ju:,,l likt"in lfu:-fairyta1t•!
shouldwnte a lo11epoem lo lhat per- Thf' mysleriuus be,anstalk.
soo thal you admire from afar or caJJa \\flcl"blTOptX"dup on a CannPr·s
radiotalk shclw. rlel<l. ....
,, Jfi ft-el high and grow~
• ICyourbrcalb smells like rotten ing al a mind~bendiug four
egg.)'OU are poisedtorcombaLICyou ind1l~ Ii eta,·- in the dead or
are a lawyer.today would be Ideal LO winter... •
gou,court Otherwise.youcunjus
wunr WNUJ 11an J.,..,.
 NEW YORK- Former U.S. President
Bill Clinton really has his hands full these
days - his new intern is reportedly the
famous three-breasted woman!
Sources close to the ex-president confirm that
Kimberly Shariff, the eye-popping beauty whose
tantalizing chest has made her a minor celebrity, is
now "serving directly under" Clinton at his Harlem
office.
"When Kimberly walked into the office
and asked for a job a few days ago, Mr.
Clinton was immediately impressed by her
and he gave her the position - without
even bothering to look at her resume," said
an aide who asked to remain anonymous.
"He said, 'I've seenall I needto see.I can tell this
young lady has a lot of potential.'"
Clintonbas so far neilberconfirmednor denied
the story.Aides say that becauseof his skirt-chasing
reputationearned during the MonicaLewinsky sex
acandal, he's concerned aboul
"bow some folks might take it" if Br VICKIEYORK
newsthat he's hired the well well, Wttkl11World New•
well-endowedcutie as an intern ------------
leakedout. Newsin an exclusi\'einterview.
Bui Kimberly herself confirms "I am so grateful lhat he's giYing
lhe repon. saylng lhaL she·s now me a chanceand lte's beenwilling to
helping to answer phones. file 0'.-eriooklhe fact lhat my only real job
papersand "take care of whatever up unb1 now has been as an exotic
else popsup• in Clinton'soffice. dancer."
..Mr. Clintonhas beenso nice to Am82ing Kimberly first mad.e
me it's unbelievable- he treats headlines when Week!yWorld News
me like I'm the only emplayeein ran a profile on the curvy Cle\--eland
the office.· she told Weeklyffi,r/d stripper and her stupefyingpbysique.

I
••
 PHOTOGRAPHERcaptured 1h;s shot
as Kimberly Sho:riffdiKutsed some of
her o'ttrlbute:1with former President
Bin Clinton fn"de his Harlem office.

In a s1J11ngeturn of e--ents, she

- lllter married lhree-handed baseooll
star Mustafa Shanff. a centerfielder
fora Santo Domingo team
Most recenUy, I.he odd couple
11111deI.he~'S againwhen Kimberl>'
gave birlh 10 a 6,pound baby girl
name 'lnsh The tot ls completely
healthy and normal apart from having
thi-ee legs, as ll'eekly World New,
reportedin our SepL4, 2001edition.
Whileil mlgbl sowldlike a marriage
In Hea,-cn,I.hecouple'sromance
11111de
has a been rocky one- punctuatedby
a cm,-orce.a remarriageand numerous
i;cparations
"Mustafa has always been Jealous
of all the attention I get from other
men becauseor the 'extra stuff' I have
up top,• Kimberly re,-eal•. "And now
when I walk around earr}ing 'lnsh,
guys ba\'e been stating at me even
more.
"I lold him ii probably was because
I.be baby has Lhree legs, but be was
convinced it was because of the way
my boobies got even bigger than
before on account of my pregnancy
Either way, ii drove Mustafa crazy
and he'd rant and ra,-earound the
house."
The staJ'.Crossedlovebirds sepa-
rated once agam m October and in
late November Kimberly =ed lo
New York, seeking a job.
"I was looking for receptionist
work, but I got doon, slrunmed In Ill)'
racebecause of the way I looked.They
never sald that's the reason. or
" course,but I knew" she~.,.
"Mr. Clinton ls the first person to
give mea break. He's a real prince.·
But someWasbingtoo politicalstrate-
gists say that Ille crafty ex-president
 She's
helping toanswe
phones,
filepapers
&
•take
care
ofwhateve ,continued from Page 11

elsepops
up' may have an ulterior mom-efor
hirlng
bombshell.
the three-bosomed

·He knows tins 11,IIdrive

Hillary crazy.· says one Capitol
Hill insider.
"He's still steaming over
lhat loddenL in wluch his wife
was allegedly caught cuddling
,-itb a space alien in a New
Yori<he)lelroom
"Every minute he'9 alone in
his office 11ilh that new girl,
H.lllary bas got to be worried
about what he'• doing. After
all he's known for his 'hands
on· management style."
In facL Mrs. Clinton see_ms
to be taking Lhe new hire in
stride
According lo one pal· "When
Hillary heard the news she
tw11ed white as a sheet - and
lhen laughed her head oft' •1
thought he was a leg man.' sbe
snapped He·s gonna ha\'e hu;
hands full now'"

"YOU'VE SEENENOUGH,• ,ays Bill, as he THREE BOOBS - o~d p,o..d of '•m!

Klmbttfy, thown In file pho'to token

.. ...
wave-1 off the Judty photographer who
cough1 him with Kimberly. eor·fier this 1eor..
 A.OVDT'l:laNUt

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------------ .....
 1in10security
guard
arebrazenFAKES~~~~,
, , , they're
lriskinl}
innocent people like
routo,et theirjolliesl
WASHINGTON - A secret federal
investigation reveals that 10 percent of
"security guards" patting down citi-
DOES she look!Ike a
zens in public places may be phonies notlonol ncu,rity rislc
in search of cheap th1·Hls! to youl In this
"Just becausesome person comesup to you dromatic t•
and says it's time ror a Dalwin's50Urces ~ e.ioctment, WttMy
search. doesn't mean womenaren't the only World N~ws staffers
they're legit." warns onesromplaining. shaw how eosy it is for
Rene Dalwin, a lop secu- Men haverepon• o foke security gword
rity expe,1 who leanted ed lengthyse:ircltes to gel hb kldu - al
or the as-yet unreleased of what are nor• YOURupensel
federal study from highly maQv considered
placed friends al the ·tuin& olT" areas
Stllle Department of their bodiesby
•Many are uoscrupu leenngmatronsas
loll! phonies-..tlo are Just "ell bSmale •secu•
IJlkingadvantageof fear of rily agents" who
lem>nsts to get their ,JOl· seem lo be a bit
lies." light in lite loafers."
According to----- 1f that
Dalwin. the study g\zy ran his
roundthat the \'ast wand over
majoril} or security my groin one
guards are legili• more time, I
mate and well thought rd
intentioned.8111lite die." a Con
report goes on to necucut sales
say that "appro,cl managern.-port•
mately one in 10 edly told federal
randomsearchesIn lm-est~tors. "He
public venues are wasdyingto gel ii
being rondUC'led by to Start beeping
impostors." 50 he could go O\'ell fur.
"I've been 'l;carched'al !her""
rootball prunes, baskeball Security analysis
games,Blrports,"the report .ay !hat the new em-
quotes one cun11cious phasis on safety in
Washington business• public places has
woman us ha'1ng told for<,'ed sea1ntycom-
investigalMi panles 10 hire
"NM only do these employeeswillt0ut
•guards' go through my conductingproper
purse. there isn't a pan or b a c k g r o u n d
my bodylhe~ haven't fon ~hecks opening
died m lhe name or lhe door for Im•
·naUonal~ecuni,••"" poslel'!I.
D wunr WO.tlO NEWS 15 2002
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1y MIGUELFIGUEROA/Wukl11
WorldNew•

MADRID - Famed psychic

Edgar Cayce has been reincarnat- '
ed as a common housefly- and is
issuing a stem warning: "The end
of the worldis near!"
Incredibly, the fly's face is a dead ringer
for Cayce, America's own "Sleeping Prophet,"
':whodied 57years agoin 1945.
"Whenyou have a fly with a human beadand
a face that cleacy is identical lo Edgar Cayce's
and the fly is heard spouting predictions, I don't Utlnk it's • "A sequel to the movie Tile Flu captures
much of a stretch lo say the fly is a reincarnation of lhe ~3 Oscars, mcludmg Be,,t Picture and Best
A<.'tortor Brad Pill"
• psychic," said paranormal expert Luis Morales."In fact, • "A visitor from another world Willha,-e •
it would be more unbelievableif hypnotic powers over the women or Earth -
the fly were not a reincarnation and force them 10tum against their mates"
of Cayce. • "An explosionet a sugar plant m Mexico
"Andsince this ny logi· lr\jured no one - but leads 10the largest gath·
caJJyis Cayce,we sboltld ering of flies in the llll.-tory or the world."
treat its predictions • "A seed wffl be planted 1ha1"'iU grow
enooghfood lo feed the cntrre \\'Orld"
with great respect,'' • •~\nepidemic of love and happiness,.;u '
Morales said. sweep lhc planet. bringing good cheer e,-ery-
At least J9 eyewll• 1•,here- lncludmg Lhewar-torn Middle East"
nesses in 11 diffe_renl • "A college•t11den1 -..ill discover a w,zy10
govemment offices - communicate wilh bcmgs from other galaxies rage for days and days over
including the Assistant - but only on his laptop computer" America's southern •tales -
Secretary of Defense • "A diet pill l'ill allow you to eat whate--er raining Oakes of pure gold and
- say they've seen and you like - while sheddin~ au the weight you makmJ minions of residenl•
beard the buuing prophet want." ftllhynch"
,' ofdoom. • "A storm will • "'fhe common housefl)·
/ "It looks Uke a ny 1<itha wtll be named the 'Official

... I other
man's face. And it isn't a bit Insect of lhe United Stales: Six
afraid of people," shaken Depart• slates e,,-endeclare the fiy their
menl of Agriculture aide Alonso state bird"
Hemandei, who took lhe only known • "A beloved American
photograph of the bizarre bug, told a
Madrid newspaper. "It wants 10communi-
cate with us. It speaks in a high-pitched.
squeaky \'Oice.
amazinCJ President "ill return after
many years in the grave - and
lead America iJJlOlu. grea1es1
•1 heard It speak with my own ears.
It said; 'The end of the world ,s near' It
scared me."
predictions era of peace and prosperity
e\/er.··
• "An SJ-year-old grand·
mother "ill find the actual
Religious leaders have hesitated to
comment on the amazing Oyand it.sstar
tling message. Bui one officiuJ Inside
the Vatican conlinned, "The fiy's pre•
tor 2002 Fountain of Youth while gar•
dening in her backyard In
St'ollSdruC, Ari7."

andbeyond!
• "The development of
dictions are being studied at the lnexpenswefuing cars rueled
highest level." by the sun ,.,JI render Earth
Efforts w catch the chatty bound vehicles. roads and
bug havefailed. Once1lwas highways obsolete."
nearly swaued by a secre-
tary who had a head cold
and could not bear it
• ~ \ \ spea.kinglo her.
• 'A.fireat a\ So~t: o( the lly's other
ft JIWatter,. ..\', •\ pl'Cd1cuons:
e "A swarm oC
h.,6..,..:i' \ heroic Oies saves a
•~-•~ .royl \\ bus full of school-
,..\ \. \ \ childrenfromcertain
~,1.4 ml • . ,, death by pressing
;;.:.. -_. \. \.' down the brake alter
:"f ,, \ the driver passes out
\. ~.;..'\ , • \\ I
rrom a heart auack."
~-~~J•·"' ' •"Abrighlhghtwill
\ come rrom the slcy.elimi-
nating dat\cnessfrom Ean.b
for three years slraight"
• "Water disccM!J'edbelow
!heocean Doorwill be found
\ to cure deadly disease."
 #o butts .,,,_, It, say col,... ldds ...

SPANKINGS
MAK 'SPANKS'FOR THE

YOUSMARTER
ByJUSTIN MITCHEU./ ~...iil11
ll\lfld Neu;s underutilizedneural pa1)r,>'3>'S
MEMOIIIES! Coed
Heidi Lo,- ICINd hff
sd,olorshlp - Just bJ
getting spanked.

their bottoms buffeted with items they have ll'OUble re-

- turning them into IQ hyper• hands, paddlesand canes. membering.ThenI reciteit to
WCERNE, Switzerland - A whack on the links!" "l hml more clients than I them as I finnJy toasl their
fanny boosts your brain's ability to store and re- "I can't g~ enough smack• can handle,• reports profession• tush into a rosy glow.
call information - enios. especia[ly during finals,. al fannysmackerHermannYoo "Believe me,
and can help college average of 33 pen,enll says coed Heidi Lorenz. •1 Slroheim."I usuallY ask them to they ha,-e a hard
Students who v.·ere barely couldn't sil down lO take my bringlists or importanlfacts or time forgetting!"
students ace exams, a passing at the time th.ey tests, but it was worth iL
fascinating new study agreed to submit to the spank• Spanking saved my scholar•
shows. ing,s raised their grade point ship!"
Experts at the Lucerne averlll!es dramatically after re- Thestwzywas undena.kenlO
Institute or Psychological peated blows to their buns. ex.amine why student test
Research have round that •we round the adrenalin ocores have fallen in recent
your brains may Indeed be rates increased significantly years. A correlationwas lound
connected with your behind. during the spankings,•says psy• between thebanning of corporal
A siuey ortS-0college stu- chologlsl Dr. Crispin Beutt. punishment - sucbas paddling
dent volunt~ found that "And the resulting endor- -and the lo-.'el'edscores.
loUowing some swats on phinsused to minimizethe pain With the =ults in, a
their seats their abilil)' to re- combinedwith the adrenalinto movement has begunto stop ,
member facts increased an eff.ecti,'elyopeo up previouJly sparing the rod and students \

•---------------------- submitwilling
seem ii to
it '
means higher
grades. I
In addition.
•spanking IQ
Parlours" have ,
opened through- ._
out Europewhere •.,_
men and women•
o/ all lll!esare lin•
Ing up to have

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•Everything'• Hne here. Mo - reolly!• An unlde.nrified

man c.oofr and cotmt,- placet o con fr-om a poy phone
in Mew York', Soho ne'9hbof'hood while oil heU
br4'Gks looS<to• tl,o woll bohlnd him. Get the pict•ro?

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LISE
IPTl2 POUNDS
DAILY_
WITHOUT
DIET
OREXERCISE
"IlOST
44POUND
IN30 DAYS"
HERFS
11
TIE
STORY
OfIYUST
110"
'I ba,eatQjsbeen1#1haPP1 with
myligint, l\oebeen,o-yo IwasJust18ym
dltli,igsiflct
Dld,now rm33aooa!IDheroltwo. For15years, my~hasluclu.ll'llbeMen120and
160pounds, tolose~ Jora special~
Fdalll'a),managt butamnralds, the
pounds .ooldpit onla!l!rlhanit IOOk 10losethem. Then,InJuneol1998, amo,ieNI
re-uedooaT.V. show here!~IO&lseart. Lal!rIroooo
aQuid( adillamapzine
sr111 and
Ott!Mdti'.eptOdlJcl lcidnUnowtllatwould bemylastdiet!After
&days, Ilost12pounds.
"RandIOoktd gieat,InMr hadIDgponad;et,Ijr$tfound thatIwase!lilig WINNING
lessbecauseCOMIINATIH
I
feR
day
atew
II.IIaftes bl!eS.During
ii My98.rmstillat118
theneat24de,tI mt anaddi6onal
POWlds.
32pounds.
WITHIPPUPECTIN
Iha!
Since
lheQuickSimF,t81oct.erWO/ted'IOlldfflJorme,rm
TO
sureanyone canhawnhesame SIJ0CeSS.
• .lllletG.,lOSE FOREVER
WEIGHT
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f•
The 11111 erisarl!Iooirooaooo
ofheltsandplant-baSed
irg•edil-'IIS.
that1e'reall
•t LIST
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fa-nilar Bren. O'jstc1
SIIE'II
ardApple C,dei
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111th
IUSllflUTS ~ Pealn proven
These elfea,,trpliel1\$aie
IN28DAYS".,._ ri,edf01thefistbme
1-w
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FAT BLOCKER. -
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I LOST
30POUNDS 2 hours,day,everyd1y.u•, Acc.t.I 1 1 1 I 1 1 1 ILL.r....i...JLL.r....i...J
IN25DAYS FORMY dewutedand!Jl)tlledttinlV,ti llllllill--• .... • .. ••~••
1011 system dayafterdayto I I
WEDDING.NOW eliminate unsightly bulges. I I
TheQn:kSt,■ flt Blocker Is
l'VELOSTANOTHER 3preserlpUoos.
100'411tural. forgetabout I I
5 POUNDSINA Inaowaycan I I
Apple Pectinharm ,ourhealth. I
WEEKENDWTTH
THE QUICKSUM
there'sabsolutely
effects.
noside

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EXTRASffiENGTH4 eliralnatesfatforettortlm I . I
FORMULA. 1re!O,t loss.Same resultsas: Nllne.----------
• Joigl1g 10 miles per IAddrm: I
THANKSAGAIN• week,•An hcurofaeroblcsper ICity:-----------1
day,•lHMofMnmlrl(or IStm:'----- lipCode:.
____ 1
•Sofia
M.October
2001 cydln,i,erweek.
~ --- • • • • • • • • ••
l'tloo!!t.L-J ___ Email:
___
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.-
 By MICHAELCHIRON
Week/11
WorldNew•
WASHINGTON
Commander in Chief
George W. Bush and
Attorney General John
Ashcroft have asked all m...r.;,,,c:-r<
Americans to do their
part in sniffing out -
terrorists i.nour midst -
and even children as
young as s years old can
help finger evildoers,
expe.rtssay.
"Alot of the tips the FBI basal- ~
ready received came from young .
people who overheard a chance
remark or observed suspicious ~
. - -. - -.;:: - ._

AMERICA·•s
behavior on the part of a neigh-•
bor,• says a law-en-
forcement source.
•Some have even
blown the whistle on
their own parents.
"Wrongdoers will o(.
ten make lhe mistake of
letting their guard down
around kids. We've
got to teach our chil·
dren to be tl\'el'-~-
lanl and alert - to
be1uniorG-Men.•·
Here. experts
HJ\ m ll!llegmt
waysyour kids can aid federal
lawmen:
mole waiting for orders lO kilt
I-UYSPECS
IIEJgglOODI
TOKYO - More than
33,000angry Japane1e men
returned the aew X-ray
glasaes tlley'd purchased
and clemaadedtheir mooey
beck - complaining lllat
1nlRad <JIseehlg women's
aaked bodies through their
clot!ies, Ibey weft seeing
boaes, nel'Vff and blood
.-Isl
Tbe manuf'acturer of
See-AllX·l'IIYSpecsadmits
lllat there "may be a prob-
lem" with the dealga <JIthe
blgll-lecb glanes. which
welgli 15 pouad&.
"Wedetlped~ to
be the -1 powerful X-ray
gLuaes on the martu,t and
Uiat'• 1- we advertbed
them, but we
clearly.
-rea't ~ e-&tt
at-
leatloo to out C1lltomen'
aeecla,"saldaspobsmao.
"This Is • great dlsbonor
awout company.•
:.---
•litl,llfll.,_.•-.:-...,., ·~'.·:.i,;
' ~.:)i
Sl'YIHGEYESIAmerica;, o -• place wit!, Junior
G-Men on t1,e lookovt to, leffori1t,!
.
I I. Keep_lheu- ean open to
anlf-Amemao remarks. A
teacher who grumbles about
bow "unfair" the war on ter-
rorism ls couldbe a bin 1..aden
t. Look out ror unusual
deliveries lo neighbors.
Large, unmarked boxes arriv-
ingat all noun of daycouldbe
loadedwith explosives.chemi-
cal weapons or anthrax
~Watdl for suspicious
visitors. A neighborwho 1w
a stream or men visiting her
home after hours mig)ttnot be
lhe U>',ll'Dhussy- she couldbe
a terrorist ringleader.
4. Keep a diary of neigh•
bors' activities. A Junior
G-Manjots downeverything.
Detailslhat seem trivial, such
•1S THAT o suitcose bomb on the front ,eat of
as the hour lhal oog• are Oadjl e,or~• A Junlo.r G~Mort mlght not know
walked, can help authorilies
for s-ure, bvt he does understand his dutr to
later. cfleck everythtng ou1 - and alert the FBI!
5. When playing with
neighbors' kids at their
borMs. bring a amera and •fuMy accent" buys polalo extra alert. That group or for- 9. Look ror what's NOT
take pictures of various chips or ne~ at lhe eign "tourists" couldbecasing lhere.
rooms 'just rorfun,• This can general store, it could be a "If every house on your
the facili~
provide investigators with in• terrorist passingthrough IO'A'D, 8. casually ask pillymates son'spaper route has a flag
valuableevidence. 1. On schooltrips to piaees what their parents have out front excep1 one, he
6. Keep an eye oul for for- like nuclear power plants or said aboul lhe war on should make a note of it," said
eigners. If someone"ilh a historical m.onumcnls,be on terrorism. the expen.
 New FDAStudyOn Breast
ImplantsRevealsShocking
Must-ReadInformation:
Co,.sid~ring gelling bre/lSI itnplants?
Maybeyou should lhink aga,n... A recent
FDAstudy clearly001lineslite risks: In hcalllty
-..omen.21,. requiredadditionalsurgery10
replace or remove lhcir implants... 16¾ suffered
breast pain... 10%lost sensationin their nlp.
pies... 9¾ had tissue around lltdr implanthard-
en, ands•,., experiencedleakageor deflation!
Thal was all I needed10hear 10help me
decide againstgetting implants• but I still want-
ed Iaegerbreasts without the help of push-up
bras... pads... or especiallysurgeryI
A friend of mine first told me about a newnat-
ural product called Full & Firm-she'd been tak-
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Full & Finn is a proprielaryblend of8 natural
herbs 1ha1properlybalanceyour hormones-pro-
motingdramatic breast growth so quick, most
women actually"feel" lhcir !masesgrowing
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I became interestedin Full & Finn because my
breasts kq,1 shrinkinatho more I wori(cd-oulI
went down to a 33A. I even found ii hard 10look
in the ba1hroommirror naked• no matterhow
good the rest of my body looked,
Do yoo know what I hated most? When
women much less auracti"e than myselfgot
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I've spent hundredson the latest "trick" bras...
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So. after watchingmy friend EXPLODEOUI
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I got a bonle by calling a toll-free numbermy
friend gave me. As soon as the boule am\'ed at
my door three days later, I began taking lite
easy-co-swallowcapsulesas recommended•2
capsulestwice a day... and all I go1were...
SOREBREASIS!
About two days in10i~ my breasts felt a linle
sore. so I called my 11-iend
and asked her if she
fell slight sorenessusing Full & Finn... She told
1" I
me ">U.1ha1'J·ytJUr brcaJ·t tis.rut!l!X(Xlnd;ng.
quicklythoogh1.They're Working!!! Yesgins. I
could actuallyfeel my breasts growing!
Wei~to make a long story short, 8 weeks later,
I went from a 33A 10a 36C- 1hebiggest I have
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effects,except for a muclt less painfulperiod,
due lOlite hormonebalancingeffect Full & Finn bottle per cn:di1card. Take Full & Finn as rec-
~ put yourselfthrough so much paln,
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I turned everyoneI know on10Full & Finn...
from my sister 10my hairdresser.. , ru,dlet me
tell you. they can't wipe the smflesoff their faces
iflltey cried... They're lhachappy wilh the
results.
Full & Finn is "The Implant in a Bottle"...
The longeryou take lhcm. the l1!0tt: they'll
expandyourbreast1issuc.Mo.king yourbttasts
bigger and bigger until ~ you're happy
with your new breasts.When you reach that
point. simply slOptaking Lhom.h's lha1simple.
HOWBIGPQYQUWANTTO
GET?
h has been said llta1a -woman'sbustlineis her
sexiestaccessory.Improveyour self..:onfidence,
make clothes fiebetter,and watch heads cum!
You'lllove it! A I-month supply of Full & Firm
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vf trn,,Ju...--.
n.uncw1thhdd1 It,, '1-4..'-*'I
,mJ 1111,..,.u
d1J ,, t• ,1 / ,- tlttlt '" t:•~/tr,, / ~lllft.J "ptlfJ.n.J\. /
1,rt11,nlwrd1 SIIJl'J"'J 111.lr,1~ 1{ut f"',J"' 1 .ui,I
m'ild1rJt11<rm h,/1-.\: FirMJ.«·JM\1,.. lhttyi.f..nn,.._J
/ u' 'Ul.Ju.,J:i'"'Ulh ... -c,~ht u~11.,,,,, v11l\ ,h..JI ftJ
"t' J /.J/Jt ••r,,..r Ill /i li'f"t"h ( uJ40 d1.f,, ·, J,:Jin i.l
11,rg/t p.,wtJ tn ~ 1t1,ht }, 11g,,, 1m h1r, h;/f d
1-lrt•I o rh kfflfflilll- 1Y '41\I ,11JtvH1,..t-r
Rebttc• \\ea,er-- Eugene. OR
 CHESAPEAKE BAY,

AMAZIN Md. - idney, a blue

crab, has befuddled
chess cbampious with
his expert play and is en-
tering his first national
tournameuL

CUBPl
~,th regular appearancesat
ch~sbonrds in clty park.!.
Sidney and his lrainer Nathan
Haverstockha\'I? cause.dquite a
rr==~:;...!..--,
stir In the Mru,lnnd chess
community "Players tend
to underestimate him," said
Ha,-erstod<.")lake no ml$·

CHE
take. This is a spcciol play-
er."'
Mo.ing pieces swiftly
\\-1th his claws, Sidney at
wcks \1-ithrelentless pred
slon "Hi., opponents look
UltO hlS black. beaqy eyes
TRAINER Hothan rotating on their stalks and
Hoverstcxk. I06etheir ncn-e. Hehandles
slrt'S> ,.eJJ He is coldblooded.
vouknow"
• The unlikelypannership of
Sidney and Nathan altn-OSItool<
an unfortunateturn three years
ego when Haverstockwas ~
bingotr theChesapeake BaJc
"To lhink my best friendwas
alIIIOStdlnni,~" Baver,stock$lid.
Whilepla)ing chcsa and ldl>-
billzing ,.;lb reuowcral)berson
that tnp, Haverstoekn<>licedthe
attentiveness with wluch one
crab was watchingthe !U}me
·You could teUearjy on lhal he
was figuringii all out. His eyes
~- • .alll ..-ererotatingwith a-ery move.I
set him next to the board 10 .ee
..,hat becould do."
At fin,.I., Lhe crab mimid<ed
1-laverslocl(s
ltlO\"eS. Theo Hav-
erstock taUR)llbun the rules ot

;====== the game. While~ to learn, ii

quickls became nidenl that
Sidney d1dn·t lake criticism
well ..He was iO feisty in the
eaeygoing.He ..-ouldsnap at
me "hen I rorrected him I
onceheld him~ a pot olboil·
ing walerju.stlo let him know
who wasboss'."
Sklney now dire,:ts lbal ag-
~ivencss aLhis opponents.
Becausehe cannotsay''check"
or "cbedmate· as required
during the game,a small horn
is set on the table. He plndles
one tool for ..check" and ,,.-o
tootsfor ·checlcrnate.·
"Its ,-e:cyembarrassing 10
hear lhe horn, admitted
Haverstock. adding, •ue·s a
poor,port "hen he ,.;ns He
launts by wll\ing hi., dav,s and
scuttling backand rortb_ It g~ts
in )-our head" Sidney and
Nathan ha\'Cl entered the na
tlonaltournnmeo1 and arecon-
lidcnt the crnb w,11finish in the
SHREWD MOVE. Sydn"l' lluns unidentified Lopten. an unheard orresult
opponont with on unortkodox strategy. And for a first-year player. much
-.,h,i t1ot1 He'• o crab! lesso crabbycrustncean
 AD\Ufll&llll"T

1931
Ford
Model
ADeluxe
Roads
In Celehratio-11_0[ ot t(J.eI 931 Ford
tlie 70!" An_niversary
Introductory
Giveaway
Price
SALE
510

Precrsion
Dre-CastReplicas
ScaleI 32~Aliout 5 Lo11g

Wften Hen,, Forll ff1111IIJ

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w11s,ucfl spec11/lltlonllho11tIfie wisdom of tftls move. Ford's c,oncern turned to
fa, wfte11over 25 1111111011 Amer/cons flocfted to Ford sftowroonu In tfte first
Autnenticity-
Of
Authen c die-cast
11 sellformorethanSI00each
replicas
wteft, f111tto get II tll•pse of tfte new Model A. botunder thetermsofthelrcensewrthFordweare
In the 70 years that have passed since the introduction of the 1931Model A authorized 10offert.hese Ford
nostalgic collectofs
Deluxe Roadster,this model is still the favorite of hot rodders and customiz.ers. atthespecial
treasures priceofonly510each.
car lovers everywherestill admire the efficient 200 5 cubic inch, 40-horsepower
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We havedevelopedan exact replica of this collector'sdream.a pride to look
r------------------------------,
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rs___ Check orMoney Ordei 1
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BetlerJ
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1
 .,

SKINNY
ELVIS
STATUE
ISGETTING
FATTER
EVERY
YEARI
TEL AVIv,Israel
- A statue erect-
ed to honor Elvis
Presley at his slim-
and-trim sexiest is
growing fatter by
the year!
Elliot Goldbaum,
President or the Tel
Aviv-based Universal
Elvis Fan Club, was on
hand when the once svelte
but now pot-bellied monu- defect is causing The King's
bell,y lO eiq>and or .--=-------1 THEN & NOW!
ment to The King of Rock Hg- bul Ille\'l:nlicl Molle no ml1toke
'n' Roll was erected in 1980 Ls"inconclusl\>e." - Tho King's
to honor the performer's Experts from the ,tot\le hos pocked
Jewish roots. Israeli institute o( on pound.1, right,
• rrs uncanny," said Paranonnal Studies ,In•• it wo,
Goldbawn. have focused •••ctod In
"The statue's
waistline ha,; grown
nearly three feel
over tile past 20
years, that's about 2
inches a year.
on food offer,
ings and other
tributes lefl
at the statue's
base by fans
still mourn-
1980, left.

11
·1 ba,-e no idea ing 1be King's
wltyorhow.• death of a
Famed paranor- ■-.. .-■ heart a1taekin
ma! researcherJett 1977.
Levinsonis equally "Lox, ba·
puuled. gels, brisket.,
"My investigation reveals gefilte l!sh, mlshes,
nothing unusualabout lhe stat· kugel, lalkes, you
ue olher than tile fact that ii is name ii, Ibey bring
getting bigger and falter by tile ii," said Goldbawn.
year,"he said. "The strange
"Fansand tourists leave food thing is it's all gone
and iLvanishes - that's all I by the next d!ly.
knowfor sure. •rm DOI pre-
"But if you're asking me to pared to say the
speculate,I would suggestlba1 statue Lseating the
It's possible that hls spirit is al· food - bul whal
tering the size of the statue else can I think? It ., ______ ...,;c=~:::.:==:.::
magically as a sign that Elvis is sure looks that "'-Y·
alive and well in the afterlife. "Elvis lovedlO eat," be con-
"Needless 10 say, more tinued. "But his favoritesnadt
stuey and research is needed. -fried baeon and banana sand-
II Lsa mostintriguing phenom• wiche., - was definitely not
eoon indeed." kosher.
Metals expertsha,oe exam- "Maybe since he's been in
ined the bronte statue to Heavenhe's foundhis troe Cood
determineif moistureor some group!"
 NEW YORK - Womeu all
over the U.S. face the bizarre
situation of hiding their intelli•
geuce - playing dumb to keep
from intimidating co-workers,
friends and even family members!
"I worked hard to get slrllight A's all
through school and earn my master's degree
in college," says ac- ----------
counlant I
Marianne one of than to IL·
Blanther. In SL Louis.ex-
ecutive secretary
"But m,.vbiggest Oebra Ponsor has
challenge 1s not let• an IQ over HO and
ling people know always watches
how mtelligent I am. what she says
I! l do that. rm "The worst part
is my female
doomed" . friends.· she says. roommates were treating there. Ltwasu~aL • "Acting lOO smart is like
And Blanther 1s ) "Once at lunch: I her likean oukast, • she soid. Another L,dy.who askedto showing loo much boob or
not alooe.. A recent ,nade a reference •one of my friends lold me to not be idenllfied. said women thigh.· she said.
I I
unh-ersity study re- DEBRAPONSOR to the novel Moby· get out of her face ,.,th all my who show their mtelbgence
vealed that 63 . I
percent of wo"!en with I_Qs girls an Ishmael becauseher woman Started crying right dress 100provocatively.
•ie:i!lier way you alienate
Dick and I called one of the literar:,• trash. And anolht!f' are trealed like ladies who yourself from men and
women alike.•
o,1?r 130 admit they hide
their intelligence "at least
oncea week."
Blantber says she n8'-er
acts "dluy or stupid.•
•t don't do the 'dumb
blonde' rouline My boss WASHINGTON - Hey, ladies - do you feel tke in'to the political c.ondidotes
wouldn't want lhal from me." nud lo hid" your intelligenGo? Here ore some tips thot TOIi ore plon.nlnt to vote- for. confounded by numbon.
con h4'1p you downplay~---------- • Don't sp•.ok any fot•
she says. "Some secretaries NOf'ffloJ ~•• woto hosed on eign language exce-pt
in the office act that way.but your s:morts: when they ore correct. gu1reaction,.not int«U•ctuol Sponish. Mt• think 901, who
I tllink only a couple of lhem • Don•t show off. leove • If rou see an •artsy• reasoning. 1peok SponiJh o.re kind of
are laking it.. the ob,cure, high•brow rcf- mo.-ici, don't bort: everyone • Laugh ot crude lok... ti hot and sexy - one, who
"But i! I'm loo qwck 1'1th •rences for 011nni1Mi.lier on to death talking about ft. l)Hple thjnit you are too high- speok Greek or Latin ore
an answer or to sol, e a prob- Monday Night Football. Praising thoH oddball folutln' to laugh at thote brob,ioes.
lem. people treat my like Im • Don't correctpeople Wood')• A.Hen mo•iH 01 if kinds of loku, you'll get o
• Get o tattoo and - if
some kind of a monster,•she oll the time:.You•,. bettor you understond them al.so ,.putotion o.s a s:morty~ you're not blonde - change
said. ·So a lot of Utneswhen I off iuit letting them be moku rou lootc. Ilk• on • Don't ,how math skills. your hair color fre.que·ntfy.
ha,-e the $Olulionlhai all the wrong. egghead. Men expect wome.n to Jfrvg- This kind of behavior will
men in the office are strug• • Dropthe fonq grom- • Don•t f•t on that you gle to figure out a 1S-perc;cnt thow you ore the funs-loving
mo,. Forgot about uting hove put o great deol of care-
gllng for. I Just smUe and tip. Men ore eotily Intimi- sort and not on fvory-tow•r
drop some hml$ that lead •whom• and •,holl,• even ful thought ottd consideration dated by goh who o,en't profHsor type,
wunr woaUt NIWS .... 2002
 that any woman mlght wish
she had, but il's a ~rlous
dilemma for me. I hal'e lhN!e CONFIDENTw.s
lovers, Howard, Gary and rtoc":: ~t, haay •nd Smart 111
Robin, my girllnend. They're I was : For a minute there I thought
all very special to me and the Cllntonl ding a letter from HIiiary
best lovers I"ve ever had!
Each one makes me feel spe- Dur Hump1119It 111Salva•A
cial and loved - especially referring to your daily t k • re you
in the bedroom ,- in ways fare office or what y rde lo the Wei•
I've never fell before. How man In t ou O with every
can I choosejust one when minute?• own when you've "oot a
they're all so delicious? -
• Too Much of • Good Thing w,:: 11 ';!°'
Balle 111Martlnsv111r.
'78 blrthd ncontrolled WIidfire you call
In Atlanta
Dear Tbo Much: Have !IOI'
considered flipping a coin? a t~ cuj{a1!~~:•:::!~~~Q away on
If no~ tramp - you should! Man 111 w lffllla ""•

I tracked
0
Bvrn111•He•
Who'dwinIn a sex chano~:a~ ~. ~ntil you oet the
1
fl9ht- Ally bo~:~~~~th!" ..~u~~••: I!my
McBeal or Chyna? nounced" he has AIDS en,, an·
Dear Dotll: I've got wouldn't be sick _ I'd band herpes, 1

doggy dooon
a harmless fedsb. I Uke also call the District ;ttsulcldal. I'd
to watch calllght.s! Not Press criminal charoesl orney and
felines, but two females ~ l111artfe Penta
going at II, pulling their 111
11le: Onry If you keep tnem
ON!
hair, getting sweaty and
nasty, scratching and ..,, __ r _________ j

thepastor's
pulling and tearing at
each other's scanty clothe.s. My
ultimate catfight fantasy is Ally I 9alned46 pounds
McBeal ,-ersus WWF's Cbyna. I
know Chyna would seem to have afterjoinin9the Fat
the edge, hut who do YOU think PrideMovement!
would win! - Cat in O'Steen

newcarpet!
Dear Dotti; I just wanted to tell
Dear Cot: Are !IOI't.alking hand- any of your "King" or "Queen"•
k>-haml oombal or a baltle to see
whocan eottheleastamountofft)od sized readers about I group that
and throw it up the quickest? \\Titemake&me feel great about being
back with a more precise quettion
larger than lite. It's the "Fat Pride
and T'Ube happy tQ weigh in! Movement• and l'\•e gained 46
Dear Dotti: I'm so embarrassed! Our church bas a pouods since becoming a mem-
new, single pastor and I took a casserole over to his I'm tiredof makln9sex ber. I'm going for 56, so l'Ve only
got four more to go. Then 111
hou.se as a welcoming gift. Unfortunately, on my way movies for myhubby's know bow great it feels to be over-
there I stepped in my pooch's poop in the yard but creepyfamily! weight! - Bigger is Better In
didn't realize it until I was in his home and we both Toronto
Dear Dotti: My husband's faml• Dear 8igger: l'm the world's
smelled it! Theo I looked down and saw that I'd ly has an unusual "ho~:" They biggest supporter of the l'bt Pride
trac.ked it on his new carpet. He was gracious, but his make amateur adult videos. mostly MOV<!fnent,mostly becausesome of
for
next sermon quoted Deuteronomy: "Thou shalt not sell them over the Internet. U1emseh-es but sometimes they my dearest friends are big fat pigs
bring ... anything of dog into the house of the Lord for Month.s ago. my husband and bis and I want them to feel be/Ur about
themselve, no matter how hideow
this is an abomination of parents and brother talked me In• thet/look. That &aid, I couldn1 be
the Lord thy God!" And he once or twice a week. What's next? to starring in one and it became so happier for you. In foe~ I'm send-
A wheelbarrow and a vibrator? By popular that they've bad me do
looked straight at me! - the "'lY, be knew I had my heart set mo.re - some with my In-laws! I ing you (l case o/24 chen'l/ pies to
help you crack that SO-pound mark!
Shamed in Seattle on a diamond pendant! - want my marriage to last. but Ibis
Dear Shamed: 1 don't know Steaming In SteamboatSprings all in the Camily rum business What's yourfavorite
about Deuteroncmy but 1 do know Dear Steaming: The last man creeps me ouL What If my family
THIS: Anyone who tmcks steam- who gifted >M with a vacuum is and friends find out? - Reluctant
Geor9eHarrison son9?
STILL tTying lo fish /Iii manhood StarinMoleen Dear Dolli: With George
ing doggy doo on her preaCMr'S out qf the cleam,r bQg. Need I say
carpet is on a fast track to Hell
Dear Reluctant: First ym, say Harrison's untimely death, I've
more? you hale making amateur porn been revisiting my Beatles collec-
Idiothubbybou9htmea Howard, jlick4 and then you say youjumped tion and my me.moriesof him and
GaryandRobin into bed with every in-law you the band. He was such a g!ned
vacuum & a negli9ee for arethe bestloversI've could fiml while the camera waa soul. and he really did create
Christmas! running. Get with the program, some masterpieces. I think
everhad! clod - you're as sick and IU>i41ed "Something" was probably his
Dear Dotti: My idiot husband Dear Dotti: I've got a problem as THEY are/ finest song. What do you think? -
outdid himRlr In the Christmas gin Missing George in Detroit
giving department. The moron bad Dear Missing George:Tu tellyou
tbe audacily to give me a vacuum the truth, George HCITTl.son bored
cleaner and • sheer blac.knegligee! SetMIDotti your letten and 11.ue1tlo111 - and let lier ttll It 11kt me t<>tear$. But .,;nee you ask, I
Tal.k about a mixed message! I aJ. It 11.Wrlto to Dear Dotti, c/o Wffllly Wwtd News, 5401 NW Broun have to sa~ his best tune wa& My
ready keep a clean house and gl\'e Sound BIW., Boca R1ton, P'la.33487. SweetLord, which, as we all know,
him as much whoopee as he wants he stolefrvm the Chijfon.s'
W ASHINGTON - You osked for it
ond you got it - o world exclusive
collection of 24 rib-tickling, hard-hit-
ting, thought-provoking and thoroughly
outrogeous columns from the wildest
Colle
c-olumnist in America - Ed Anger,
Bypopular demond, a crock t·e11mof Weelcly
World News edito,1 sifted thr®gh hvndrcds of rock
'em, sock 'em Anger column• doting bock to 1990
to creote th.it 0J·toni1hin9 book bonua. which P4'ndit1
isfor
IDIOT
ore, olr-eody co.lling •an inrto:nt c.louic - and o cov•
eted cotlKtor's issue:
So 1Mtfe into yoMr easy choir and tell your
sweetie to fetch you a big bag of potato chips ond
on fey cold beer. While you•re ot lt, hold on to your
hot. Jock - you're in for the •fd Anger rid•• of
your life!
 Sexual
harassment
is what flirty
bimbosscream
.d l R dham ,, hen Bill leaves the
81
whena man
rm madder than ~
tollel seat up about all tlrn; po
shored do,,,, our throats.
li~i~al c':irrectness crap lhat's being

rnai,-e peopledo is 111akesigns s&)ing

snubstheml
Youwant politicalcorredMS':: ., 1h 11workif:;onicbodygi,'t!Sthem
r · al correctness bYgolb• ey •
)-0~~~ AMERICAN:_•Red lnjuns :~ ~~~c~i.M~ - The only pl!:
wouldsuu be 1Mng111!enls and pounding vou·u 6nd more fames lhan the Brolh
8 1
toms if Pilgrims hadnl come to AJnenca.• u c;rimm museum.
caSJnOS ' FLIGHT A1TENOM'T - Fl)1nl! "t~
th:lnl<sto us, l~ nowrun ,-e;.er\c'8Uon
•·-then ncll. o ~•I had to be a bab<'to iee
lhat ma=,., ,' ,. Cl'" • L'NGED - Stupid. resses nee o .,,..l•=c -·• ",dcbodies
up
~LE.,'T,......, .,..,...... 11a job Now we go -•.. '""'
hkethat rorrest CrumporCbump~rw te--er th~ Ifyou knl)\\"\\ilatI mean ho
h1$ namewn,,111that ,no,ie abouthim Short. CHAlRPERSO:', _ Any woman w
\'ERTIC/\Ll,Y C}IALL£.'(G£D - headsup anything_
likemidgets and dnrfs. ...,,k-se lJYPERAC'fTYECIIILO - BraL
HO~u:LESS-Bum.s. Theonl)'\\'On•""''

Three fors■oker ' revolutio

cheers
I'm happier than the l\tarlboro

inCanada!
l\tan with a fresh carton of smokes
over what happened in Toronto.
Seems the stupid city council banned
smoking in all bars and restaurants - and ii
backfired, by goll.), Smokers all over lbe CI\Y
were so outraged when they started having
nicotine fius lhal lhey lit up everywhere - in
hospitals. churches. kindergartens and ele,-a•
tors. So.laced with a ra'Olution by about t mil•
fion ~mokers.lhe councilmen turned tail and
wnved lhe white Oag.
I iust hope lhis Boston Tea Part,Y spirit
Anflry Ed lets It all banfl o,.,I

College
isforIDIOTI
I almost blew a blood vessel the other day when
my idiot nephew asked me for a loan to go to college.
"Yo, Uncle Ed," he said, "it's the ~------------
smart thing to do these days." cbtmps were lying m ord,er to sat-
Y~h. you moron - it's I.besmurt thing l~fy their sexual desires.Other male
to do if you're o plnbeodl mammals likedogs andcals will e\-en
If you're so smart, what the hell do )'OU play like !heyare hurt or dead to lure
needto go to collegefor• an unsuspecting female into thetr
1 have a buddy who spent big bucks to clutches.•
get a degree in Fme Arts or some such What in heUis lhis world comlng
thing. Nowthat's dumb. to, folks' This is the stupidest moncy-
lJ'you want to know If a paintlngIs line wasting study l'\'e e\'ef read In my ~
art or not, just cheek and see if it's roped enUre ltfe and I think rm going to :'f A
off with two security guards watching It
likelfitis,
hawks.1th1nklt'dbesafetosay1t'sline
art - and 1didn't have to go to some rip-
cares
loud'
Ile like
crying out NEISTUD¥ MALE
SIMS
vomit Who the hell _,:__...:,__.._.,_.,u..<L...:"'"-''-'--"'"

rugs. Iffor
animals
off collegeto learn that, my friends.

..
I'm madder ' than ..- .. in a cot,
., a goldfish
food commercial o,-er this latest idiotic
mail
•

I got
•- • ,..

study that claims a11irn.tlslie! Thnt's
right. folks.
Seems that SC1meegghead scientist,;
observed male clumps making eating
sounds like •=eking Lheir Ups and pre-
tendJng to pick up foodoff the ground and
put 1tinto their mouths.
When curious and hungry females
showed up to chow down, the hot-to-trot
m;tleswouldjump ·emfrom behind'
·These male chimps,much hkehuman
males,were willing to try any trickery to
have sex with the unsuspectingfemnles,"
said the study. "In effect, the male
o,•ersosomething
much ltateI
wrote in a recent col-
ALS
ANIM LIEFOSEX' I
I
umn that I had to drink
half a bottle or Old
L.:.=:.:~:..------------------r--"'1
Crow just lO calm down. But hey, ladies. mean year-round. by jimlny. No Tha11ksgiv-
I'm stickio' to my i:uns on ibis one. i11gand Christmas vacations and no spring
God really did IP'"' women Ullle hand,; so breaks.
tltey canwashthe insides of glassesandpull We don't empty Sinf Sing and San Quenun
stuff out of garbage disposals. for the holidays,do we.
I'll be blunt The human femalewu ere- And we all knowthat there Is no real diffe""
ated as a living. breathine, cleaning ence between our prisons and public schools
machine And that's a fact. Jack except the schools are more dangerous.
" -. .. • • Let's pul nu.or ,-'Ire around tvery school•
And one more thin!(, When is Amedca yurd In the nation and lock the litUe ,·ermln
going to "ise up and m.ake year-round
school attendance mandatory? And I
ti ":h,r,-
Inside for as many hours a day as the
Constitution
EdunplUIJS
hi cable
TVand1oes
backto OLD-FASHIOtUD

rabbit
ears!
I'm madder than Ed Sullivan in a Beatles
wig at all the gol-dnmcd channels 1 get on
hours iwhatthehell
a dayon one ofthe
cable networks.

cable
WhalTV
lhe these
hell dodays.
I need ...--------~
doI needwith
rm tired of them all
no"·Bui what mokes me so

with 60 television channels

LOlook at. for crying out
:;:i::!'~,:~e ~~~ dO_television
- talldn' aboul it, pre-
loud? And now thelki technol- dlctin' itinorIt.jusl walking
ogy ne s are ta ng a out
b
piping rdin 500 channels to
a1-ound
channels?'
Bui now lhnt cable
TV put that all-day.all·
every home in America. night We.atherChannel
Whate\'er happened lO the on the tube, all the I'm going to smash
Colden Days of television 1n the fun's gone. my remote channel changer ,.;lh
·~os and '60S ..-hen Walter TheseboZ.OSdo NOTHlNCbu! a hammer
Cronkiteor Huntleyand Brinkley wlk aboul weather every minute And then I'm going to caU lhe
gn,·e us the evening news und of every day and make romputr.r greedy pirales at my cable compa-
CBS, NBC and ABC v.cre 1he !orc<:lits 10(laysin advance. ny and tell ·em \hey can cut me oil
only games in=• Tbey'-'e e,,·eotnade the \\Mlh· rn1 going back to Ed Aog11r
Md be!le\'e it or not, lhcre er bornll\ 1.echnology - rabbit ears
were only a couple or talk shows My set has an exercise chan• Th<lt'Snghl. lolks A goodold,
on the enhre tube - Arthur nel, a shopping channel, a reli· fashioned antenna to pick up net•
Godfrey and What's Mu Line? (llllUS channel. a science-Oction worlt T\' signals lhe way God
were about it.. 1-~------• channel, a country music channel intended - oul of the air'
We got more than enough TV sire.OMS Ilk• 1 l- Lucy gl•• and a fishing channel 10 name a
laughs
The CromJackie Gleason
Honfl/11\00neta
LUCI/to loSIa" hole week. I
and Ed oil th• laugh• he needs.
or I Lolitl
I_used to be a big sports £:>111-
Wedidn't need a sitcom every unul t could see baseball. football
fewWhat'Uthey plug me into ncxl
a dog-groomingchaMel•
I'm mad as beU and I'm not
dam night back then. or basketball &nytime I wanted 24 goingto \Me It nnymn~
 THIS
ISINSI-
new
Nutty law we!r Y
says
HAVEtowork 'M THE
YEE.WH
E COFFE
ACHINE

~~!~,!~~~!.~~~~I J
EMPLOYERS
TOLD
TOACCOMMODATE
TREMENTALLY
ILL
• • h • k Most of ·em talk to themselves
A NEWSETOFU.S.RULES
case •m a stra1g tjac et an day Jongwilh an O<leaS,onal
over this insane new fed- timeout 10 scream and bang
era I law that says their heads on th~ nea_rest
Followin&
Government, Upon employers have to lure • desktop. They cuss Ukesailors
and hardly C\-ertake a bath or
Act.listsSteps crazy people!
OlsabUitles brush lh~1ee1h.
Companies
Should
Take Big Brother in Washington says They re, wll~-eyed mnsI or the load, If )'Ou knowII hat l mean. I
that from now on businesses can't ~?:,ehi:;:_d pitch httle lits at the drop io,,-eJum to death, but l'd rather
1<-orkwith Charlie Manson than
discriminate against job appli- And here's another Urtle bomb- ha\'e this fellow J•bbenng in my
cants who are batty as bedbugs, s.beJIfor you anti-smoking wimps ear auday longabout God-knows-
for crying oulloud. out there. Employers MUST now WhaL This gizy wtlJ StJIIscream
In plain English. folks,that means allow smoke ANYWHERE on the "INCOMING!'' and knock )Ou Oat
that if some p~cho who thinks he's job - and that mean~right ~de on the Ooorif he bas one of his
Abraham Lincoln and talks to trees you, buckaroos battlefield flashbacks
fillsoutajobappllcation,)ouha,-eto But what really makes me p,g. Bui what really galls the hell
hire the guy biting mad is that the new law says out ofroo the most about Um new
This is mll)or league lunacy. crazy workers can't be disciplined Jaw is that mo5I psychos are
folks. The only enterprise 111 tor chronic latene.,.,poorJudgmcm 1<-omen,according to the lutcst
America that won't bo alfcctcd Is or hostlhty toward t-O•Workers and Camegle-Atexswwy.
the post otlice, where you RAVE to StJpervisors.
So now we1Jnot only have aU
bea fruil£ake to get hired, for Pete's I mean. I c•ll lhe boss a horse·s those normal yappy gals lrying to
sake. be.hind and /'n, OUI I.he door. A take our Jobs, but mi111onsof
I mean. the only goodthingabout crozy employee does ii and I.hey female l'ru.itcakesto boot•
this new law is that my wife Tbe!nta gi,•e him an 11.\iracolfee break. But On<'thmg·s for sure folks.
Jean can finally get a job: And 1f one of those lunatic After reading about this 1<,acky
BREAKING
"Ory about
I don't know ho1<many of you employees detlUUlds i~ employers new law, anybodywho thm~ I'm
protectin9 nutco~ emploree, ha"e e,,,, worked "ilh maniac$,but C\·en ha,-e to prov,dc soundproof

ilAn~
oppeo,ed ln Ed's fo.-orih~ let me lell you, It's no picnic. booths for 'cm to \\'Orkin.
pope-,~The Hew York nme-1.
For one thing. crazy people make !',ow I have an old Manne buddy
)'OUnel'\-ow; \ou never know what who's about 11<0bricks short o( a
£1
s1z1•t
1111181
IE
I'm madder lhan R2D2 \\~lb a loose
MWSpa

bolt that our Cree-spendingCongress is

paying 120 million bucks of hard-earned
ta~ money 011 a project to contact space
aliens!
Lets face it - why lhe hell are we spending big
bucks looking for space aliens
when they land here all the time?
All the eggheads at NASA
haveio do is lookout the ,.,ndow
on a clear night aod they·d see aliens are already allen.
more UFOs than you could
shakea $tide at.
Bui no, they'd ralhM" wast.e
here and the ~, ones
we'U COOUICI. b) radio
wa,..,s are '80 dumb
Uthese suckers are ro danui
smart. don't you t!\'Crwonder
why the hell lbcy haven't gone
Scientist
wants
tons of taxpayers· cash.
Dr. Ruth Jones Hamer is the
they'll ne,'el" answer
us anyw8)(
pub~•
Because most or them are
totalktoE T.
!'CICnhficqucenpin behind this In fact, ~en if we e-il andwant lo coloni,,e the Search to st• •
stupid Search for
Extraterrestrial Intelligence .__~ __
did make contact with
....___, these hal!-oocl<roach.
Earth andmakehumansinto for smart al.art
!Ja,-es. that's -.t,y. iens
project that is expected IO cost SCIENTIFIC half-fish cMlizalions, So, l'vegolabeUerwaylo MOUNTAIN VJ
a -.bopping $120 millioo 0>-er QUEEHPIHDr. what the hell are we spend I~ mllban bucks - Dr Ruth Jone 1f""• Cal,r-
the ne.'<l10)-eart, Ruth Jones Hamer. go,ng to learn from let's spend ii on alien traps. extr8terrestria1 amer la/ccs
But what mrua;s me l!O pig 'em - ho11 lo live We l!ould b3it 'em w,th She had s seriously
bitingmad is that we're aiming au these underrocks? whlltever these bug-eyed entrusted he to. C-Ongress ba.s
higlHech electronic listenlllgde\•Ces at Whylhe beUdon't WE;getsma11 reptiles eat and eild lhls this Y<Ulrto 1~~~b$t2-0 million
swrs ,. here on!y the most dlmwittro and try to team everything we can alien threat to Earth once Alrthe em.
f Searcii nexi 10yearsHam
alk>nsu,e. about space creatures who aro and ror all. for E:xtraterrestnai
er
Thlll'§ right, folks-stupid alie~ already ttere.ror "'1te's sake?
Lfthey were smart, th~• would ha\'e Tlto.-,can- the light bulb heads
altta~" eootaetcd us.wouldn't they" ,..., ba,-e to worry obouL l'\'e said II
Or at le~ butted Earth in one ol ber0te and 111say II agam, lhe onl~
those llFOs people are seeing all the good ,pa<e alien is a dt,ad spal'.'e
ltn~.
1-J-AnF
The bottom llne Is that smart
Wantlo puta sloplo riolencein _, sdlools?
Mike r

EVER
kid
I'm madder than Hillary Clinton with a busted ~ i:~ts:i:n~~t:
pack-
pistol
TbighMaster over all this hullabaloo about guns in each morning and check them in
America's schools. at the end of the school day.
Every kid ought lo carry a And lhat brings me ID the bot- It wouldbe as simple as 15su-
l!reann, for crying out loud! mm line. I am personally going to ing gym clothes and equipment
You heard me right, folks. U lead a petition drive ID a-eate a All the ammunition would be
every single child from kinder- new 1997SHOl'S FOR TOTS pro- closely monitored and each child
garten up through high school gram in eve,y public school in ,,..ould have to gj,-e a detailed
packed a piece. shootings would be America report on any spent rounds.
as rare as hens' teeth. My SliOl'S FOR TOl'S will In other words, squeezlng olf
!l's exaelly the same principle require public school$ and kinder- a few rounds for fun would be plan in principle.
that v.-eknow works in our cities gartens to offer firearm safety out of the question. Th.at means they don't neces-
and neighborhoods. The more programs - to supply .22-cilt'ber I think this is a pl.an whose sarily badt every single point or my
armed citlzens In a particular pistols and shoulder holsters to lime has come. plan. but they do like most of iL by
gum.
neighborhood.the loww,e~r~th~e--~:-::=-=-;;;;;;--;;;_;:jiiijilil

F~!~~
When are we

crime=bw·
Ilesdon't mess with
- SI'S SlfO,S
Qv .. , 1 ..,.. wit!'.~.:...~ hendt- to -
5:J!;:
the.,...
Ten years ago, they wouldn't
ha,-e voted that way.But the days or
screaming. bleeding-heart liberals
nile delinquents forcing us to moll)'COddle these I~
!009 who are cany- .,.. ,. ~ to be--~..., ... _ to,ca "'-"' to fO to that we're mad as year-old k!Uers are over, my
mg guns - at least 111 .........,.."""' the.,._ hell and we're not friends.
not for long. Let's ,chMI """'- ............. 11 going to take ii So when one o( the thousaods or
face IL When nloe O . ld 110 fool!c;....,. ........,__ to aoymM!? SHOTS FOR TOTS volunleen
kids start shootlng 140' w...w..,..
If It -...1 _,.. - I wasn't a bit comell to your ~ sign the peli•
back, schoolyard __,. - - sHOn ~ TOTSM. <I•-"" surprised when lion. Yourkidswillthank you for il
gunplay will cometo ~ - - ,. --, ...,._, - -. f\. JJ.617. 9,800members of
ascreechinghalL ~ 1 MW....,_ Teachersr«Safe
American Scllools recenlly
backed my SHOTS FOR TOTS
 Pm madder than Joe Camel
wilh a pack of Lucl-.·ysover jusl
how far those anti-smoking nuts
have gone Ibis lime.
These healtllcreepsha,-eJust sneakeda
law lhroug)ICongresseodmgthepracticeof
g;,,mg condemnedprisonerslheir tradition-
al lasl cigarellel
·we feellhut prisonpel"50nnelwhocarry
out executionsby lelhal lnJedlons.elec\1'0-
cuuon.bangingor linngsqundshouldnotbe
placed In 11ann·s"'IIY ll)' being !orced to
breathe a condell\lled prisoner·s second·
band smol<e. • sniffedcarol Jerille, a bigwig
"itll lhe bleeding-heart Save Our Air
Coalition.
\Yh:IL this lard-tailedbimboneedsIs a 10
InchCubancigarstuck . well youknow.
It all mnkeSme so pig-b,ung mad I had to
d°"n anotherslugof Old crowjust LOcool
off enoughto finishthis colwnn.
You all know my stllnd on smokers·
rights. It"sour Constitutionalright to ligl\l
up anytime.anywhere,byjirruney.
Menin 6ringsquads stand more than 60
feetfromthe condemnedprisoner.tor ccying
out loud.SojUSlhow muchsmokeare they
gonoainhale Eromthe poorjerk"s last ciga-
rette".'
Nolnearlyas muchas lhcy"llInhalefrom
firingtheb-rilles.lor Pete's sake.
And more than beinga Constitutional
right..I belie--esmokingis a God-givenrighL
Aerordlnglo BiblehlstoriaOS.both Moses
and Abrahamsmokedpipes "Nuffsaid.
~bb~
rm madder than John W-.iyoeat a
gay rodeo over that AllC-'f\l show
Ellen. I'm hearing rumbles that this
star actress Ellen DcGemerous or
Oigeneris or \\1talcvcr is gonna play a
lesbian on the slupid !biog.
That'sjust great, folks.Nowwe can gath•
er all I.heUUlcgirls in Amencoaroundthe
oldtube and !A!ach·emhow10 be prime-time
bulldykes,{orccyingout loud.
I'm note.vengonnatel cnyfemalebullter•
ricr Blossomw11lchI.histrash Next thing
you know.she'd want 10 gei her hair cul
ohort and slllrl hangingout ",th lhal cute
girl colilenext door
TV in this counu,, l~ sic\<.sick, sick.
\\'hate\·erhappenedto lhc goldenoldieslike
\be CISCO Kid.Sk11 KingandHoveGun, 11,,!l

nnv~ ~ .,fr,~
 I'm madder than Bill Clinton in
a monastery over Washington's
latest waste of American lax dOI•
lars - a $50 million sex study!
And this one's a d00%)\ folks Seems
som~ light butt eggheads at Harvard
Universil)' got those perveiu in Congress
to cough up a boatload o! casb to
i,ee ,f men re:illy do go crazy from gelling &11) are three limes more Well, it sen·es the mealy• you don't have sex with your
lack of sex likely to have problems at work, mouthed losers right. as rar as man 311)1lmehe needs it alter
Hell, I could\-e nnswered that rour limes more likely to be this red-bloodedformer Manne is putting in a hard day bringing
in one word ,'ES' And I Involved m car accidents and concerned If they had the back· home the bacon,there's a good
wouldn't have e,-encharged the 10 times more likely lo ,urrer bone God gavea snake, they'd do chance you were a bull-dyke,
morons SSO,for crying out loud from stress-related illnesses.And lilte the caveman did - storm
Anyway, this stupid study they're 20 limes more likely to
roncludes that g1zy5 who aren't tuwea gol-dumed nervousbreak·
borne and give the little woman
what-for 'UJshecameacrosswith
=:Jc81~';6~1 firti~~;
down the IO\in' he deserws, by God
And try lh1son ror site, girls. If 1)hlp--
Wl'DBJ' wo•J.O NIWI Ja~ 15, 2002
ll~IIEIICIIII I'm madder than a
roach in a Raid commer-
cial about getting kicked
off a fancy golf com-se

INVENTED
IILF
last weekend.
Me and an old Marine buddy of mine named
Ray were about three quarters deepinto a bottle of
Old Crowwhenwe decidedto headup to his coun-
try club and play nine holes.
Now if there wassuch golf," me

Pllll
a thing as "contacl and
Ray wouldplayiL
This guy looksat a golf courselhe way Gen. Shermanlookeda1
Georgia- sla.'<11 andbW'!l,if )'OU get my drill
In fact, lhe rich folksat l.lusfancy-sdunancy joint we played at Just
about chokedon their martinis when we squealed up lO I.be6rst Lee in
Ray's Del'' camouflage golf can.
Now old Ray's got a buck or two. but be dresseslike Homer

SE
Sunpson. And lhJIIdidn't go O\"i!rtoo big "ith the hoity toity golf crowd.
either
But "ilat really got lheir goat is Ray's pre-swing ritual He
screams "5emper Fl.Door Die" 81the top orhis lungs before EVERY
shot he takes- 4?\"i!llwhen beputs!
Andlhe idiotsbehind us rouldu't believe their eyes when Ra.) took
eight prnaice drives on lhe lirsl hold- the Marine's mulligan, he calls it.
\\'ell. I llguredif he could do It, so could L And when I got lo my sixth

!~IT!i
praClke drive. lhls rancypruusfoursome slJuiedgoing crazy.
Ray just g;a\'e'em the fingerand told 'em to takeit up al the next mem-
bers' meeting. whate1oerthe hell lhst 1s.
Then in a ~I IOudvoice, Raystarted his lecture on the finer points of
cheating.
"I e,'en cheat on lhe company bosses,· he bragged •If l get to their
balls llrsl and I.beyaren't looking.I run 0\-er 'em with the CArt and smush
'e-minto the ground so rar Tiger Wood.~couldn't get 'em out
AI1yway, "'85 going great until Ray dumpedour beer
l'\'l!ryt.hing
0,1, cans into a sand!rap and some bly•li\'ered rat

J»
~I
reported us lo the course ranger
good He chased us all the ~ bad. to the
damn parlong lot,bowlinglilte a banshee
< and foamingat the mouth. for Peu:'s
t~ing c:e--, sake.
Whkb was okay ,.;th me.be<!ause I

a~ut stupid don't like the stupid game ,nyway,

exceptfor ticking offothet"golfers.
The American who Ul\'ented lhls golf
game- IT'S nonsense should have been spear'l!d,ulh one
o( tho.,;ellagpoles that tell you what hold you're

Wvto✓
on.
Most golfersare so stupid they can't even count.for
cryingout loud.
CHEAT!
.,
.i, ,~
'
Of all 'the sportsthat ha,,, sprungfrom lhe greatAmeman -----
heartland, solf is lhe only dud. as far as rm coocerned
One lhing abouta golf course.though. It's a great place to get sick. There are so
many doctors out there.youcouldgei a he.artbypasson lhe 9th hole.for Cf)ing out loud
Let's race •~ They oughw build hospital
emergency rooms on golf courses - then
nobody would ha"e lO "-ait more lhan about a
minute lo see the doc.
Other than that, golf Is the dumbest game in the
known world.And that's a fac~ Jack!
f'oday's ldds llattllllJlun Ille old-fashioned way •••

1111PINIYII
G

I'm madder than Hillary Clinton at a bikini con-

test over all the criticism our great college kids are
taking these days. buck. The true spirit of going to college is
Youmight find a hippieor 1.1'-o back at fast.
cra..1,ng out or lhe i\y on some According lo my Jalcsl statistics. panty
campuses now and then but n11dson girls' dorms are up near\)' 61 per•
businessclasses are busung at cent from l984 and last opproach,ng the
the ~ms. le--elsoflhe t950s.Nowlhal"s somct.hinglO
These fine youngsters are g,ve the old collegecheer about!
learning what Ibis great nabon Panty raids are as American as football
Is all about- theAlmightyDoUru: and on somecampuses:lhcy-..'Cevencreel-
Even lhe late great General ed teams ol fraternity men 10compete an ""-· F-...i«,11o
r>erloe, <oil . o1>4F.onlcle,_,
George Washington sold junk this fun sport. The team that grabs the Pfloto wo, t:- l,ud.1Oft Jprirtg b oJon WO:r•th.
bonds to pay for guns to blast mostunderwenron anyparticular raid gets boc~ In 1960. ~on,...,,., of,{.":;, '">on thit
!hose tanhomRedcoats back 10 a free keg or beet 9•eo, ,oi. •»«.. •to.., of ½
fancy•ochmancy Bu~gbam ru wke those delaghted model.- for ,.Odor"•::;,Yeo,. o,e
Palace. squeals commg from • girls' graduate• •nt1.
Lei's face 11..Most moms dorm o,-er lhe sound or Commie The M-I6 assault r!Jlc they
and dads struggle to send Jun• protesters blubbering Into bull- learn to use In ROTCIs better day:, and you're liable 10 get a
tor off to college for on.ereason horns anyda)s than all the lawyers an town Radio Shack laptop up side the
- to team to make money so And another thing. Anny "·hen ii comesto guarding their head.
lhc,y won·t ha,-e to root lhe biU ROTCis more popular than pep money. So here's a snappy Ed Anger
for some pathetic 30-ycar-old rallies on campus these days And anstesdof some stupid salute to all you college kids .
bum. What better way lo teach the (1Jlksinger carrying a guilar You'rethe luture of a wheelin·and
And gim go to college to Future Young Busine55Men or around the quadrangle thei;e dealin' America.
meet lhese sharp you11gmen America to protect all the I.hangs days, the kids are ca.rrytngthose
who know how to make a fast they'll be able to buy when they ne..,fangledportablecomputers
Burn a nag on campusthese tJ#IP,--
 l'DRATHE
•• llVElffl
DOOiro
THEBEVEI
HILLBILLI
 Ed's Surefire plan for an economic boom!
1,UJ,11
ltNITEJ) §~
flOS •on " llCW. lt.lOUt
FVltAU.Ou-r, 'Vl4fCA•O Nff'ATl
~\\llEmc~t
D04365791 I
4

D04365791 I
G \\:,s,uxc.,,,, u.,:.
4

4 w--,,.
----
..,.,a-. ..

EVERY
HIIE
2WIV
~,i~•=t~:a::h:;ilia~:!~!e~t~,~
a docrtv
lhis tune, rollcs
I call alEd Anger'sDeal.
Wanl lOhelp America enjoy lhe biggest boom
time r,-er• Want lhe Amencan e(()nom.vto lake
off lil<e a skyrocket .,;lh e>'et;· ~---
familyhaWlg gobs ol money to
spend onanyllling lh~• want'
Tu lamil) c:ould still li\'e
blgh on lhe h"ll and so on
Simple Lei's change the law bU)1ng aey dam lhing lhcy ... sohe cansend
and lel e\i!J)' Amencanman hn,-e wanted.
two wh-es at once That'll do it, \nd ju.,t think ho,, many
ladlesand gentlemen.Righi then' )obs we wwld create wilh 111.'
}Oll°Uhave ,nstanl three-income blockbuster plan. People
t1milies would be buying up can..
thembothto work!
Imagine how many big-ticket stoves and stereos to beat lhe women·s libbers out there are u,e most ol them .,,th other
items you could bll)· "'lh three band And guess who "'<luld be going1u patch a tussy-61about my "omen. ifyouget mydrift. And If
~'theck! rolling in e>-eryweek, tured tu build all lhi, stuff' One of '"" O(>al.but lo hell ,.,lh 'em yuu "ant a hot up for a slOCklO
by golly lhe tam~·s two"i"es. that's who' They aren't the ones ll')'ing IOpay put M>IDCrntllley 00, ~ bridal
Md -.-henlh<' kids ure sick. Ul• 8rilh1111~ huh• the bills aud ra1~ekids - be('au.._.,;,e gear \Vlk,n my Idea be<:ome,,
""-es could take 1um.1 staying ..;.,.,.I knowallthosescreechmg realal): we'll ha,·e millions of
home with ·em so lhe husbands U weddm~s e\ e~· )·e.u- as men
wouldn't ha,e lO nuss any tlme
n-omhis highe,-pay1ngjob. rlJS AIISEl'S
, ,a .
TH111t.'r.111co11E 1115'"
marry serond .,,.-e,- or e>-en
• An<!if one wife "'dS laid oil or
fired •he could hll lhe unemploy-
s.,
0 ••••plo• to oil.,.,. •••'1
Yet: Amemo •houlcl odop: Edi::nomy con ,1<y,ocket-
tie the knol ,.,th a couple or
them It OIIC(' Getting hitched
couldbl>romeAmerica'&blll.!(~;t
mrntIJneand plc.kupa fewbucks mon two wfVt:t 10 th • t''"=:o'::n•t 11bben. busine.s
denning houses or something nn ond 10 hell with th• wh "Y •• libbe'1 and lo•«
lheside O~ "· 0
• 'W• sl\ould Q-wtow to
th«
•~ •• ..-e" it h meol"lse-co-
ttlef·orone""' 1 , k ii
mel"I to contlnu• to : d ot tl,I1 coul"ltrt os we new •
nomic c.otlopse al'ld e en GOME. ,OU.. c.,'oWeeki, Workl "'flWl.
S~ 10"' •otes tos::::;~~ Soc:• totOflt Fl 33417,
5401 "'w
11,oke11 . ..

WUIUI' WHUt MIWI January I!, 2002. 37

Founding
\
Fathe
were
gayl
OUR belo"" flrst
Prosldent woro o
powdered wig - but
George Washington
waJ d«ffnttoly not o
foiry, ooys Ed

I'm maddel' than Davy

Crockett wilh a bust.ed musket
over a recent birdbrained
newspaper article that claimed
our Founding Fathers were
gay!
You beard it right, folk.st George
Washington and Benjamin Franklin
were twinkle-toes. Al least that's the
idiol opinlon of some Brit history prof
PANSY,,.,, named Jere'!ly R~ over
J Redkl al Oxford Umvers1ly.
e.-.my ~ You might know it'd be some
,.,..cites at fruitcake limey who'd come up
o.+o,cl. whh this hair-ball bull dookey
Believe it or not, this Joker says Tom
Jefferson. Palndt "Give me Liberty or Gr,~
Me Death" Henry and John Hancock we,;,
closet queens, for crying out loud.
General Washington liked to be ru tell you wbat. bo)-s.l wouldn't flying a kite in a lighllling SIOnn,Ibis
called Georgie by his closest men want w be standrng next w this ~says.
friends, Dr Redkin clurped to prissy pants pro(essorin a crowded And I say the lisping Brit ought
reporters. eJe,'lltor, that's for sure. to be clraw'lt and quartered for
"And his use of pastel blues and This pansyclaims even General this outrageous attack on America's
yellows III military uniforms or the Wru;lungion·spowdered wig ls proor great.estheroes
day MIS gimply breathtaking.. that our first Pre.sldentwasa sissy Next thing )'OU know he11 be
Back up, folks - I think I'm But what ,;,ally makes me so telling u.. the late, great John Wa,vne
gonna puke herel p1g-b11Jngmad is his attack on my was a flaming fairy
"Tommy Jefferson and Pat Henry personal f.wonte Founding Father. Bui the mioute he says lha~ this
were.goo-gooeyed O\'tt each other." Ben Franklin. red-blooded American ls going to
sighs Dr. Redlun. The limp-wristed egghead says l'atch the next big bird w England
"It's a documented fact that that kite flying was the biggest
Jefferson in,=ted the world's first homosexual spon or the time -
roUer skates for himself and Henry luoda like touch football is today, 1
They could be seen on any Sunday guess
afternoon glidJng
Pblladelphla hand in hand.
around Instead or nsklllg bts lite \Jylng
to dl5CO\-erelectricll}\ Old Ben was
"Ptople didn't trunk a thing or it Just sh1JW1ng
backthen."
off bis men frieDdsby
r
and gl\'e lhis nincompoop redcoat
runt a lesson 1n American lustory-

w,th ~ #)
 Turnyourt:lot:ks
AHEAD-
I just came up with a great idea to give everybody more hours n1af ~J!9#a .. ,
of ••Jiigbt
Time, '"'""'•
01· E.A.T. for short. this '""'" - ond r,. ""'"• ii Ed &ge,
ofless r--------------- V ·•··•
lnsteadofmo,inglheclodtooc1c Hey. I know all this .sdentif"'/ sa11ng fonnula. wiJJwort like a wort on regular EasternStandard
one hour on the last Sun~ of stuffls complicatedashell for some dlarni if done Ptoperly.
~..."'"'- .....
Time. Simple.Just set your "Tisi•
°'""'• ~,m"
""'"••<n~
.........,._- -· ,...............,..,_ ...>1• "' • q"'".,'""~"--
.,_, •,,..,,., ....... ,.,,..,,.;-
mywatch and clocltsahead another Einstein "'83 Workingon the Theory simple as pie to get Slatted when the bossis coming In or lea,·,
hour of Oaybgln Saving Time when be Lel's Uy you\-e mon!d your u,g.
""•--, .... , ... ""'"''•~ .. --... d ...... , ... ._.,.....,, , ... - .... _.__
'" ··-.,-
o'clock and that ..... more
"""" mean., 0 -·- But trust me on this - my tlnie ....
would - to begin
l1lte ... ~·taking ,oo all
...... ad\-an. 0, beoetit.s.
00 the - - "" .. -

-
"'"> - • "' ff'•~ ,n,:, .... .,. - .. ,~ -· ""' ......... <oo,
M ...
- - ,,,.., --'°=<
- -• " _, .. ™' .... .,." ·- """""'
'"' «... -
,~ '"" n,,,,
......... ,.,,00 .. .. _

~- ~ '-" -
"-o and
.. still
,_ have an houro( sun UM~•--"..... \ >OO• """ .... ..._ <'m- O
snow
....
,.. .........
.__----~
___
hi II th• t..CKh..
..., ..
>'egetabfes)'Ou <'an grow witb all
""-~•""'-""""'"
b«gas bowlingballs
:: ..:.. , ••• '"

t.t::;,~
'

, --.,,, 111111
AHEAD one more hour and
- - ,ws,
IC you gel on Ed Anger
_..,..,,.,..,,,~
-""""~·--
make it official.
""'.._
back one.
""'_, "'•• ,_""'
.. , "-•~

extra daylight after those winiera!tetnooos can really

\-: au th:.11
work,simplyturn your clocks be'tiJyou\-e exJ>erlenoedthem on
BACK two hours. But the Ed Anger Time.

=
greatest thing about Ed
you the 0eo(Jbility
both times at once
of bebig on 11#1~
It's an idea whose lime ha,
Anger Time Ii that it gives come.

Lers say you want to

,,
t 2002
 I'm madder than Cbef
Boy-Ar-Dee without a can
opener about my crazy
II women
wife Thelma Jean going to
cooking school!
learned
Here we've been married ror
over ~Oyears and NOW she decides
to learn how to cook a meal lit for
howto cook
human consumption.
ProblemIs,she'sexperimentingon
meand the family,for crying out loud
better, ugly
Last Fnday she cooked up some
rancy shmancy spaglw.tli
straigltl from llaly
recipe sceneslike
Now I know why the Roman
Empire fell Their soldiers died or
indigestion after eating crap like
this wouldn't
this.
I guess you goua g,,·e it to those
Eye-tallans. Not maey people ean
happen/
makea lethal weaponout of toma-
to sauce.
Anyway,things got out of hand when my 3- lungi; out 3nd my lard-butt daugl11er-in• spending more 1ime ln the kitchen and less
year old gr:rndson Butch stuffed his fat UtUe law Candy was going to pop Sutch with on 1heir butts in fron1 or the TV if their
face ,.;th a forkful of Thelma Jean's pastacon• some rolled-up newspaper before I husbsnds would dump their dinner on their
cocnon. stepped in headswhen the stulr tasteslike it belongsin a
Now ol' Butch, he takes aficr yours truly Now Tin a firm belie,-erin the spare-the- dog dish.
and gets pig-biting mad if he doesn'tlikesome- rod-and-spoil·the-child school or thought Anyway.I cleaned the spaghetti oil Butch
thing and man, there was no way he could - but I'll be ruunne<Iir I'm gonnasmack a and 100k him to gel some ice cream as a
like this stuff. kid who'sjust doingwlult comesnatura~by reward for spealunghis mind. He's a chip off
So he takes his wholebowl orspaghetUand gllm. the old block.by golly
dumps it on his head and staru screaming And dumpulg Thelma Jean's spagheul And all ttusjust goes to show that women
Ukehell on his head was Lile smal'le$I thing I've oughta be required to take cooking classes
Hey. after taking a bite of the stuff I was ever seen that kid do fromelementary school to the 12thgrade.
goangto do the same thangif he hadn't doneit lo fact, more people oLij!hUIdo it when Maybe then ugly Utile scenes like this
lirsl. by jimincy. somebodythrows pig slop fn front or them wouldn'Ihappen.
Lei's face lt, folks. Far a kid who usually and calls 11food $0()0ty restaurnnlSwould
eats M&M's and 'lwinkies for supper, this get the idea real quick if angry customers
wholespaghettithing wascrueland unusual dumped grub they didn't like on their
puni$hmen1in my book. so I don'tblamehlm heads.
one bit for dumping the bo"1 on his head, And n lot of lazy \lives would start
~#Jr
Bui that got Thelma Jean bawling her

,, 2002
 vef"1lonof
GI Joe
perches-
on the
orm of tne
origino1
htt-mon
toy.

-NOT
A DOI.I.I
I'm madder than a pit bull
with a toothache that America's
beloved toy soldier GI Joe has
been officiaJlybranded a dolJ by
those wimpy, nincompoop judges
in Washington.
The only reason GI Joe e,-eu had to fuce those liberal
idiotsin blackrobeswasoverbowmuchtax lbc companythat
makes hlm has to P3~',tu ha,-e to pay m~
taxes on dollsthan toys.so thosegavel-banging ~ littlebuddyBulchy Hamorskyjust gota
bozosga,-eGI Joe the same chllnceIbey ga,-e GI Joe. Butchy is on~• 6 years oldbut he 10\'eS
Col.OllieNorth- a snowballin hell' to come o,w on Saturday mornings,snap to
But GI Joe willatwa~'S be a i.oysoldierin the attention and say the Pledge or Allegiancein
Angerhousehold. front oftbc !lagon our rronl la\\n.
I remember bu),ing my liuJeson Jimbo his Then he comes insidefor some milkand pie
first GI Joe for his birthday in the summer ol andlistensto me and UncLeO.V. lellwarstories
7◄ Butchy I0\'llSplnying"ith his new GI Joe
My chest S\<tlledwilb pnde "'hen Jimbo and wants to be an Altbome Ranger when he Let's face II.you mightas weUha,-ecalled
duga lineor tinyfoxholes3Cl'05S the frontla\ln growsup. the late John "Duke" l\'ayne a £airy
and crawled GI Joe from one to the other for He can alrenc\rbeat th<:tar out of e,.._'t'Y
kid Butchyca11ghther ,-1tha karatechopto the
hours "lule makingmortar and macbme gun on the blockand a IOIof lhetn are a heUof a lot nose and broke It m twoplaces and his sister is
ooireswithhis mouth. biggerthan he IS. fi,1lyears older and 20 pounds heavier than
His little sister Sarah U.e wasn't e,·cn Uncle OV remembered lbc I.line Bulchy mybtllepal.
allO\\-edout.sidedwing Jimbo'swar~ \\ilh knocked oul Mrs. BernlceJohnson'scolliedog UncleO V.has an old WW?VictoryMedal
his GI Joe. It just W8Sll'lsomellung a buJe girl cold when he ,--as only 4 because the yAJlllY ~ilting on hls dre!Sl'er
that we'regoingto pinon
shouldsee, evenif il wasonJvmsl<e-believe th1J1!l wouldn'tquit barkingat htm. Butcby'schest whenhis parents set himfree.
Sweet little Sanih Lee st;O'Cdinside and Bulchydidn't gel to come 0\-et last Saturday rm withl!ncle0.V...,t,enhe says that e--ery
pla)-edwith her beautifulBarbiedollcallecoon. because!tis n10mand dad had confinedhim to Uttle~ ,.,lb a GI Joe should be just lllce
My UncleO.V.Pl'.>ner says this GI Joe ibing quarters for gettlng in trouble lfu older sister Butchy.
could get as nasty as llaa•buml113and it's \\'endY\\11Sleasing Butchy aboul h0\\ his GI Usomebo(lv calls your GI Joe a doll waste
alreadycaused somefirelightsInour neighbor· Joe was reallya doll and !lie next one he got them
hood. wouldwet and cry untilyou changedits camou
llaged diapers'

I 2002 4
... Somebody's
gottaflipburgers
anddigditchesl
I'm happy as a clam after readjng that •t least rour times. My
retardedCOUSlDonly hadto t.ake
American kids' scores on the SAT exam are falling ---- it TWICE, ror crying out loud. But
faster than a lead balloon! .-------------- what the hell. ICthese kj(ls are 100dwnb
Let's face it. Most kids are as bubble-brainedgeneration. We can put 'em to drive.then they deser.·e10ride a skate-
to work doing all U1edumb things I.batneed board lor the rest or their li,-es.
dumb as a post and need a calculator doing - like Uipping burgers or being But what makes me so pig-biungmud 111
lo add 2 and 2. lawyers.formstance. that thejust-releasedresults or a three-year
But hi!),that"sgreat !or babyboomersand I also read lh:it Americansare so stupid national study are being covered up by
us older folks. We'll never have to worry that 4 t percent fail their dri,-er'slicensetest bleedingheart educators
about losing our jobs 10 theseyoung idK>l.S. Backin the 1950sand'60s.chim-
And not only lhat. thesedumboyoung peo-
pie will be easy10lool andseparate ~r1'S sruPfDI
ff -• rva,.
I panzeeswere sald to be as smart
as a 5- or 6-yeal'Oldchild. In the
from their money - v.ilich is J,usl
gravy lor the smaner generauon. 51
rD'S jJI-,.,
hot thh newcrOI>ot Jtup
Id Id<!•I• 1,.,1 latest study,chimps •1erefound to
odu· be as bright as an average17-year-
Any time we run short of cash, all
"'e have to do is go down to that
Qvu:
,
I ogrtt wlth
!or •• old•• to
~! 1
.,..ho ,1udied hord and 9°
10 • 001
old college-bound student! And
chimps haven·1 gouen any
9 001
fotks.#1,,
mall where these young mtbedles
hBngout and sell ·em the Brooklyn
Bridge or the spacesbuUle
cation. •
t' n ot th!• younv•• genuo•
QM 0 . Ed Ange<,1,ould" t ~~ mer don't ho••'"" sen••
. •1n,Mdles,It'• no• their •
sma~i-u:r,

We won't even ha1•cto use fine tton

1
0 0
° In out of th• rain. , -lty wo,ld 1-1••"-S401 l'IW
pnnl to cheat'em on contracts- big to • "' , .. •• STVPIOITY Poll"" 3487
print v.ill do Just fine because they Sendyo•••~ Blvd. Bo<• 1toton. fl 3 •
can't w1derstandthat either! Brob• $00'
And another big benefit from this
I'll spend
$500
onbirthdaypreslnts
I r my,..,d
che,~·i:~:d::;..u~l t~e" ~~~a~:i;;t:b~u~ofre
nearly $1 billion that Americans will s1>end011
their pets for their birthdays
this year.
The bleeding-heart liberals say
it's a c11~ngshame lhat while near-
ly 62 percent of dogs will find chew
lO\'S and designer collars beside
th·eir birthday cakes _ according to
. .
a national survey by the Carnegie-
Alex Group - only 61 percent of
American children will get even one
be a happy
birthdof for
I
, £~~::;~,.
I bull,••rrsi•r! "
toyfrom theirparents.
The ol;her 39 perceut will have to re1r
onc~,ti';Sandgroupsl~etheJaycei?Slr • • • and ma..e ,I, ·&
I&
they re g~mg to_ge1an>:t)lmgat all
0
. Bui lets face IL~e ncansowns 236mJI-
hon do~, cats Md birds ror onegoodreason &i
beste
&fie,;.,
••
ue, ...,
., 1 • ,
- they re better than kids in almost c,'l!ry
areaexceptthat JudsdoJ1°t go doo·dooon the But getting back to rny dogs. Thelma
carpetas often. Jean. ~ "ire. is going to tn,ite all their
Don't get me wrong. I to,·c my little doggyfriend>o-·erto I.hebirthday par\)'. Thi;i
grandsonTeddylo dealih.but nobody- and )'113.r.it's golngto havea lireman theme.
I mean nobody - can lake lhe placeof my Thunder is goingto wear a lireman·sbaL
English bullterriers Thunder and Sunshine. Sunshineb going to wear a little sun dre~
tr anybody L~ in the catbird seat in the and apron lhat makes her iook lilcea lire
Anger household, those two are 11. paws man·s"i!e.
down Thsl°s why 111 spend about $250 I tell you. friends, I really get the birthday
apiece on birtbday gifis for Thunder and spuiL when my dogs wake me up at the
Sunshine and only abom S150on the resl of crack of dawn to see what we bought for
the ramily t-ombined them.
My dogs wilt at~ ha,,, one or thosehtlle Ae), I know I'm going to t.alcea lot of flak
doggybirthday cakesdecorated"'ith steak ubout pampenngmy I>l'll>this way.but notb
Oavoreddog biscuiL~ and rawhide chew ing is too goodror them - and that includes
toys
Now personalty.I hale catsju,,! as much j1miney #J~
havin~ tllc best birthday a dog e;•erhad. by
as dogsdo But somebo<:l,vout there like$ 'em
11
~~i :n:s:,~:~~:
because 45 percent of fii":iiriD'i°ar.;-";1~;;~~---
EDAIIGER'S
for their birthdays.lOO O Yes•1
PETB/fJ•u,-•y
• 1 n.1111 /JOLl1
l>dogre• with Ed 4'!g.,
And millions of bird-
brain bird owners plan
on making this great
ents
O. ~ candylo,
thot
tnef, birthday •
o: Jt•, on outtoge wit
1 .f::•
d•~•• to i,.1 ,,., ..
niuc 0 • ltumon,.
binhday year for their ~ dogs ond COi befo,e tft;,; ret -~.wne,.like Ed .4nge, put
stupid parakeets and -"'OI ::;• •ot•• to PET BIRTHOAy°"'' ,., on their blrthdo,-.
cockatoo.~. l,o ..... Sou"" ai.., • __ l'Oll </o w.,.o11yMl,,/,t •
' -• -.,t°'I. Fl ll◄t7. N __
 •~~
EdAnger's
fordivorce
Disney
vacation!
I'm madder than WaJt Disney
at an X-rated movie at my nitwit
wife Thelma ,Jean.who pouted like
a spoiled brat durh1g our entire
Deor Reoders: Weekly
wcation last week. World News columnist Ed
And all becauseI treated her put up 11,itha coupleof Clunesepeo Tuke England, for inst~.
to rour fun-packed days al pie bemuse that's all they hllve AnEnglishbeautyqueen is about Anger ond his wife Thelmo
Disney World's Epcot Center workmgthere. as rare as a Rus5ianone,for er)' Jeon ore still together -
Dittofor the Spamand England Ing out loud. And Englishmen ond hoppler thon ever.
down in Florida ins~d or one or sideshows And nOl only lhJl.Lyou aren't muchbetter.
those pricey Canbbean cruises don"tba,-cto visit any undesirable Those limev& all look like
After the Disney vocotion
or a trip to Spain: <'OUlltrieslike f'rance if )'OU don"t WinstonChun.1°dll for mymoney. fi_osc~,Thelma Jeon octuolfy
Wba1 Thelmll Je;in can·t get wantLO. and smell like that cigar of his. did file for divorce and told
throughlhat alrheadof hers is thJ\t Sp<>nd a coupleof daysm Paris And spealang about mon~\ 1 Ed ta move out of the house.
,uu can ,wt 1111tl\OSilforeigncoun and you U know the RF..ALreason saveda bundleto bootby taking But ofter Ed spent one
lrie1> at £peotCenterandne->er set whythe Cennansgot the hell out of Thelma Jean lO Epcol instead night sleeping on a buddy's
foot outside the goodold U.S.of AJ there at the end of Worldl\'ar U 01 a real foreigncoumry.
Why put up with a bunch of The only lime ii d1dn°1smell So the or lady can pitch all couch, Thelma Jean wos
greasy foreigners In some 61thy terrible is when there were no the lus..wfits •he wants - a trip begging him ta came home.
countl)'"'here theyjabber In pidgin frenchmenaround around· the world at Disney And he did - after she
English all dll)I &nd know a Jillion Al Epcot you can take a trip Worldi.sUte only wayLOO\t promised ta drop all yapping
Wit)'$ 10 neea,Americantourists? around lhe world and ne"er see a
Even the Chinese exhibit at obout divorce forever!
roreigner.And lets race 11. most
Epcol is clean as a whistle and peopleIn foreign countriesare ugb•
nobodyruns aroundllke a chicken 1 don't know whv. but it's a proven
..,th its headCUIoffseying·so sony·· fact •
~kt~
sUthe ume. In fact.you only ha,-cLO
 I'm madder than Oprah Winfrey
at a Weight Watchers convention because my
amiJy doc called a great new diet I've come up
with hogwash!
---=- Me and my buddies
spent months bellied up to the
bar al Lhe Dewdrop Gtille inventing
Lhis surefire new diet and we lhink it
will be a smash hit. by jiminey.
, U •
J usl b'Y 10 , • I rul
owing a ,cw simp es es,
you can eat all you want anytime you wanl
and never gain an ounce. Even my roly-
poly daughter-in-law Candy could drop a
few pounds \lilh my arna1,ing new diet.
for crying out loud.
The 11rstand most import.1111 rule for
sheddingugly flJlb is that if you eat some-
thing and noboeyseesrou ea1 It, It doesn t
have any ca1ories.
And anothergoodtip is Iha! 1£you dnnk
a diet soda -.11ha can~· bai: lhe caloriesin
the csndybar are canc::cledout b> lhe diet
drink.
=-,
~ • 11.111&\t/
dimill(
lll'j(Jlljl,Jj! ¥•
When)·oueat Withsomeoneelse. cato-
-' •'11¥1: \ nes don'leoun11rlhey eat more than you do.
Foodused for medicinal purposesdoesn't
count. even hot chocolate. illrandyand cheese-
.., cake
Andl\-ealwaysno1J<'edlhal1fyoufattenup
C\-eryoncelse aroundyou. I.henyou insi.antly
look much thlnJter and are able lO splurge
moreat the dinner table
Foodseaten at lhe mov,es coun~,·fair or
the bowling alley tm-e no ~'llories because
they're part or the cnteruunmcntp:,ck!lgc-
stuff ~ke Milk Duds, hot-butlered popcorn.
Junior Mints. Red Hots. Toois,e Rolls and
foot Ion~hot dogs.
Cooloepiecesconi.aln no calories at all
The process or breakingcausesall the calo
ries to leak out.
Things licked off knhes and spoonhhtwe
no calories at all if you are in the process or
maltingsomethingelse - like a peanutbuuer
sandwk:h or"" ice cream sundae.
And here's SOll11llhmg I'll bet you didn't
know:toods lhat are lhe samecolor havelhe
samenumberor calories.Spinachand pisla
chio ice cream. for instance. Or radishes aod
candyapplesor figs andsle8k. That's a great
rule of thumb for quick -.eight lo,i;:
So torget all the diet balderda.•h you·,-e
e~erheard The Ed AngerPig Out Diel -.111
the lrick or yours truly willeat o-o"''
do
'Z,dT'fTI~ ~
Bonehead
profs
spend
bifbucks
tofind~
outwllat
everybody
else
already bo1s:1NI-MA
•
I'm madder than a mutt
with a flea on his snoot over
the latest bombshell those
egghead professors just dropped - telling us most
animals are lazy bums who will do anything to get
out ofworkl
Some scientists spent decided most of them are shift-
lots of lime and money spy- less as can be.
AIE [ ~

o,
. t..;
s.
,....,

.,,,.,

LIZ¥'
ing on lots of animals and If a crilter's not hungry, he won't do a .rl/
lick of work. Now, rm no college profes-
sor, but it doesn't take a
rocket scientist to figure out O
I5 - - " '
i

Let's face iL All I had to do

that watch
..-as animalsmyare
doglazybones.
Dodger for a
da.v to know lhal animals are
lazy. Thal dog is so lazy that I
have Lotake his food dish to
ilim because he ..-on't get
out of bed long enough to
ha,'C dlnnei:
And he's only 3 ~ears old.
for crying out lo\ld.All my dog
likes to do ls watch TV and
sleep. He won't even chase
cats out of our yard
Heyawns more lhan he barks.
In fuel, he hales work so
much he wouldn'teven fetch a
ball when be was a pup. And
he won't go to sleep without a
big Duffypillow,either
He'll Just lie there and
whine until you gel him one.
The way animals think.
getting sent to a zoo is like
going to Rea,-en.
ED·'S DOG DODGER
~ • • * •
-
L ---~....,.._.__,
I 1rs l•tt onotner ••••PY
ofternoon for lhl• yellow
ttge, cot. "All onlmols ore
naturally lor,. • .ay• Ed.
Then they can lie around in have to mo,'Caround now and
thetr cages a.nd wail ror their then !iO they don't gel flushed
three squares a day down the toileL
Bears are so lazy lhey sleep In the wild they can Just
all v.fotec lie oo the bottom or the lake
And cats are lhe laziest ani- like bums and ne..-erdo any-
mals of all lhmg_
In fact. ll'• n miracle their Yours truly sure could
eyelids don't grow together hal'e sa,'ed those unh'ersity
because they're shut all the eggheads a lot ot time and tax-
ume. payers· money If they wanted
Birds are bums, too. They to knowanimals are lazy.
just sad around lhc :;Icy;llap- I guess they were just 100
ping their wing)i only to avoid a
crash.
lazyiito ask.Jr>r
t'ish are lazy as hell. too.
That's lhe reason they bate to
end up In a fish bowl - they
 Weun balance
thebud9et
instantly
witha bold
newplan. • •

~ET'SABOLISH
S CIAL
I
I :~~G":;;t:~ITY
Sodol Security will
be histo,y if Ed Anger
has his way /
90 4'0:-----

- .............

SECURITY!~~
I'm madder than Hillary Clinton wilh an empty tube of
ceUuJ·t
I e cream over a
II th·1s l1an d-wrmgmg
• • a bou t Soc1a
•I
And whenhe andmygrandmothergot sJdc,
they cbdn"tbother going to a doctoror hospital
unies., lh,-y 11.,dlhe ca..h 10pay for their treat
Security, Medicare, Medicaid and all those ot.her bleeding- men1,bygolly
heart liberal p;overnmeni handouts. tsnl 11about time that \merieans "'ellt baclt
Let's just balance the gol-dumed budget, for crying out loud. and quit whining to pulling on their bootstrapsto get bi rather
about it. than sitting by the nwlbox wrutingfor anOlher
SocialSecurity or Medicare check u, arri,-e•
I say we abolish EVERY froeral dlarity pro-- But wrun mBkes me so pig btw,g mad is nU
gram Andto put my money where my mouthIs. Ibis blubbenng. weepy-eyed liberal crap about
I'm turning in my Social Secuntr card first lhing how "e can"t let people go without welfare or
in lhe morrung medical care I say,why the bell not•
Lcl's face ,t. A m:in's gotta do what a man's Amencan..\\'elll without go,.emmentcharity
gotta do. from 1776 unlil t!M-0.,ilcn that pinko f1'tlklin
And now.my fellowArnencans. I'm UllciJ18 the Roose\'eltdnlamedup Soc,aJ Serunty to get re-
same kindof Sl411d so we can get this grea1 nation elected. The only thing SocialSecunty hasdon<'
back on sound finnndal foot111g. J'Unot cash anOlb is make older Amerlca115fat.sort and ~ MOSl
er of my SocialSerunty checksunlil the day I die ot •em ought to be working for a ll\ing ralher
M)'poorold granddaddy.Cod bless his SO!llgot lban playing golf or cluttering up the counlr)·
by on what he sa\'ed for Ills golden years - and side in their stupid motorhomes.
didn't need some Sodall>tgr.-eawaylo do 11 So rin nll for raising the 1$1 retirement age
~~~,;~~;;;;-:--=::::::::::----...!:lo~95 U that doesn'l soJ\·e the 6tup1d Soci.11
EDAIIGEJl'S r1111t1•1 ~r,.,,.ff'V ,_,.
r rv..,11
Secunty~.l'lleatmybaL .
D Yes: I 09,ee witt, ~IIA ., ... ~.,,.,,
EdMg,,r tl,ot So<ioI .
By the ume ~-body became eligible
for benclils,they'd be ~t.rupp..-d
in a chair
.. obollsl,ecf on Jon. I, 2003, ond tllol o-ld Se~rrty should be gummingb3by foodand wruunglO kick off.
get boc:k to work.. e-r Amer,can, 0t.ight to by golly
0 No: Withou, Soci0 I s . And as for lhls free medicalcare e\-el)'
Ron, of Amoricon, w d «~nty, Medicare ond the ru.. mil- body'si:,omelOdepend on -1 say let's end
1 90 th
cy ond I'll Hght i1 .. ;" ~wn e lube,. Eel', Idea I• iuno- it all right now

Ip,-
....,...__... -....a"---J Y •••P O the woy. Real Americans dont take chorit) - and
FDR •as Amerk.0'5 fir,t Communi,t !.~~
::;'• 0
... to SOCIAL SECUAITYPoll ... ,..~ World thal's LellingI( tike II i~ ~
Preddcnt - q,ncf stropped us .;,t, 1he Brokon S...nd 81'"'-, loco rloton, FL 33487, H-, ~ 'i'ff
Socio! Security program.
 -:VORK'!..!~~!!,.pw
d•1me'
way to say "I love you" without spending a lot of.money, especially col-
lege kids andjust-marrieds who are broke all the time anyway.
To make it easier, Weekly World News consulted a panel of sex- 1
perts who offered up 14 sensational tips to help you pu't the arrow back •
in cupid's quiver without spending one thin dime!
I. Find his car at work and leave an
anonymous note on the steering ADYSHISJC)ll!I/IJT
wheel suggesting a sinling
romantic rendezvous in an
unusual place, such as an
elevator or a broom closeL

sp~
z. Clean the garage or
up his donn room.
I. Send the klds lo )''Our
Restore
mother's, then ask your
honey if she's interested in
indulging in her most se-
cret sexual fantasy.
Your
4. Leave a note on the re-
mote saying: "It's all yours
for the weekend! No naggi~ or hiBfavorite topless bar
no questions asked. I prom- illd tell him 16ha~ all the
Youth!
ise! XXOO!" fun he wants - you'Upick
I. Wax her car or tidy up him up whenever he calls.
her apartment or dorm room J. After she comes
- and be sure to drop little home from a hard dlly's
work, give her a massage
Now you can have a thick,
I handwritten love notes all
over the place.
6. Drop him off at Hooters
and paint her toenails.
L Give him a frantic
call at work, asking him to
rush home. Creel him al A
sexy head of hair again.
rt youkb1r11
)OUrMl,1nJyouryO!Ofulioob" Do~ Promote~ Thicker, Fuller,
Healthier Hair - Guora111ud/
aa,tsttets the door buck naked and
lel the fire"'O™ begin.
won)

,..-,.,
illal)OUf dknrufll!
balJ"Ill 01...i"'1Jy lc:II•)'00
betd!Slop•DIT)1naiWl--anp)'O'Slbv~dod111
Fol/id•F•,l 1hr """''"'1~•
rc·stracb!
.i,"'"" "'"" ...
k',11111<f0<)'0IIIO"" "'""' Slop """'i>-"'"""""
lffl)ng A bacL!The OCIJ\t tn;rtdftts 1n Foll1t1_.FIJ!ffM!

hlsJ■st
,.. Cook her favorite it lb<r,g111
:,pil>l lwr loo
dinner and serve It by can· p<0,<11IO "°i>llau lo,;,snd-• °'"'hoir"°"'Ji. The
dlelighL The Foeu Abt1ut Hair Lt1s., Fo/li<w fo,/ ...-i- '""" •ni -• follElci.

desserts- N. Role play - throw h i'i • lto\'1Cnu(,r

J;ed mcloKII (ffl 1lu1milv1111d
femalepJllffll IJ\ IDgyo" -lb a poo•tfulboo,t Jll>Ilho•k.)O. "" be

I fromGodl
on your old cheerleader's
oulfil for him; pretend
you're a doctor who has to
make her better.
haio'°'-'I, .i... 10 Illetfl'ea, of Dli)'Cl!«"""""D<(l)lffi
DHT•tac.\:.\lun (o111dcs
~~ak ii1ul1bcha1t ~C'\ ..~ually 1,.,61
them"' bclXlfflC
n:l!f.itll&

Clinically Prtn't!n to Stop HfLir Lou

f111taod
""'"1111
enooumc.
l""' f"'l,'m llllwcb • lbirk. I\A bcald,yi,.,J orluir
If )'OU"'fCllly10 loot-·
1'U't «lnf tdmct F,Jf,tk FUffh WI
f«l .,.ai andi,,,..
for~,,.,,
Oon'1"111,nrlor.scr,tl)'OII
TEHRAN, lro" - l...ty. 11.Slipinto your sexiest rt-.-lyto i.&opIMi"'~'OIi'h.m-Uld
250-pound ropl1t Ho.Ir negligeeand co,'t?rup with Fol/kit fu.~. lbc "'olut""""l lwr """"""" sys1tm.
to0t1•>< <luoicaJI)',_,. ""1"d- liw at<_,,.., 10
n..ily ~'<Ibockl'Ollf""'""'"
Oowlotbeotthe...W.crflff a trench coal 1rack him •oilc I« )'OIi. 11c JIO"l'-«Clll u\ fol/K.hl Fwl b"1ck
)'OUUM._,,nct .. 11,.1~r....
on ftlemk cOf.ltt Nflh:nc:ecl doY,,t at his lllvorite bar or •11mlM.'Ob .. 1-IIIUlM•J&. di.....,, tad: Ilk.
1,1,........... i.,,.....,;,.._ poolball- and ftasb him. lb<,ooc-molln; ~ DIil Thol<dunioo orlhl:"'•' o( vou~nCt' l'ht tcw!IJ )OV'rt Mll1nt '°'·
.attS;f,(1iOIII
IL Co to a karaoke bar DIITon)'our!bod) ,lto,o1 )""' lwr 10 I"'" tod lh.tffl t:WrMlttd'.'-1.'ul vt ,-cu .,,11ne (ft'? FiJIJtlr flK'I •~
....... M clln,be,I out of Oft l\'11\lraU)U1Cilnlldy. t1opp.n,g)WI hair lob and dinir111y
18-foot-dffp ,, ... 1 pit, and serenade her with a ptO\tftlO'iliorl:for)'Oil.so('a!l.ll(Wo·for>'""risk-ffl:IC
liUtltgthffl1na )-out cntt ""nLfflN (olhdn, Addr11on11!~.wL l-18HTI-5'31. dl«OUIIcO!l<
tlieft f..,ght his way sentimentallove song like IIM,
Follrrl, Fut'/n • qt,10 andA>J!j(ltuooadm Vl'Ofh»f bol~
....._.. °" •...,,,- of •~ Me to the Moon."
11. Decorate }'Our bed, metl and••omm. Stne'f. b I compk,dysartnd m11idtntial Try
Call Now a11d Follicle Fuel
-· tlioft 300 ,-pie to roomin a theme- tropical 11):ami )'OUcan~ FoJftrk'Fwl m th: pn,Al')' of your~11
NOd, sofety.
bomtt•JChcon.fi.k!ltc. Absolutely Risk-Freel
The - ff....i escoped to Island, medieval castle. ~ro,.
..,.,.........,ln1,IM,t.....i...l Oower garden, camping
hi, j111tdftMm only cloys I.rip- that appealsto 1=.
1-888-877-5938
discount code 104
loter: A 10-toft boulder dl.. 14. Scatter boWesof icy
lod9ed l,y o rainstorm premium beer and bags of
rolle<Idownhillonclcrushed beef Jerky all O\'er the bed
him like on om! - then get in there with
him.
 Find
Love...
Find
Friendship...
WEEKLY
WORLD
NEWS
now offers you
a great way
to find that
special someone ...

1c erv
.....
lint ........,"""- ........ ~--""'l"
~.......... ,"}1'Nl'I
,-..,.,.'-•··
:-=: ',..- ..
\
HOW TO PLACEAN AD•:
RJlou:tdltCOtJPOObdow"ntm.altilwtlh ~ ~.!r
you, ,d (opy and paymitnl (In U.S.
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.......
,.....,.,..""
_,...,. ,... """'"
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FAXyoor~ cop)' Ind pi)lllffll llClt
(888)767-2849 :-.;;~: e.i,-..
ot E,-.\ltiltct
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nuebt:r, uplrltion dnt-~ 1vlMt1tt'd
I~ wdhalds 9ipYNIN ...,, w.m 1-800-728-7887
ms.., .....,. ~.:..-ry;..<-1;..; ... ~
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HOW TO WRITS YOUR AD:

Wr ff'COlrlmtnd lh•t you MU1 otf by
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AODI.ESSAUMA.ll TQ
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WhileSupplies
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P.O.Box1428 6 Piece Steak Knife Set
Clurw•I•~ FL33757-H28
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""""""------- LIFETIMEGUARANTEE
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sr•n _______ _
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=
Q\Y~t __ , ____ _ scl Today! Pleaseincludeyour namennd
Wt rnnu ttw tl$htIO tdit Of rr;,,ct1ny addressand S4.00for posmgeand handling.
~ ~.... "'l:"'~r
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PMS 221-3172 N. Rainbow
Las Vegas, Nevada 89108
: Sk:k,Lonely,dfpresstd.
: Htlps •0 lmPOSSlblt :
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•~••~••~•-~~;~••* c...,:::!..!t::t:.c::::l!"""~..:u~!:.......J
 rs seep
on,erl

DOWN BUT MOT OUT

- Crock P.M. gets
oddi~ high withovt the
posky 1nsomnio and
•wired fffling• often
ouocioted with the drug.
 Abff.fllJU.MKlfT

Fnaflrlllnwlts
...... , ..1,111,1 DRIVE SAFELY
WHILE
YOU
TALKONYOUR
CEU.PHON
PAJUS- The latest blast from
the past is really a cut above the
Wtlh~ Hands
On111e
Wheel!
rut. Fl!d-up-witb-crimeFrench of•
llclala are considering a return to
the guillotine!
Tbe new,hlgb•tech ffrslon of the
popular French Revolution-era ex-
ecution device uses a laser beam
Instead of a ruoMharp blade to
cut off the culprit's ~d.
"It's more a«uratf: and less
painful than the old-fashionedguil-
lotine, and you can service about 10
• tlme1I as many users In an hour,•
claims a spokesman for the manu-
facturer of the Ugtit Slicer.
'lbe llrm says It Cab ha~-ethe
deadly gizmos on-line and ready to
go by Dt'xt spring It the French gav-
em.ment approves a return to the

....
death penalty.

.....
,,..
a.t.ltllws$21to
::,
WASHINGTON - II took
1140,000of your tax dollars to leam
ii. but scientists have conllrmed
that women really are IIICH'8 sens!•
th-e than men. Gals are quicker to
cry when upset, more sympathetic
to O(herswho are in emotional pain
and mo.-ellkel)' to hug someonewho
Is not a blood relative, the &-yea&
goyenunenl,-1\mded
study re,wed.

BUCHAREST, Romania - A
woman has designed an enti.re 1__ CoP1lvt tJnh"f"r'5A.1Hand•F~~ Speake..,. Pho,,~
-rdrobe using her own hair. .J Onl, S~t.!l:; plu~ i'\..ll"' ~h 1•n -
loana Cloancabasjust llnished a I SAVEi Ord(•r 1wo ,o, oul\ '-N!'•o
luxuriant wavyraincoat for the win• ,-- ALSOAVAILABLE
ter season. She says she intends to
"-ear It Offr the brunette blouse
READY
INSECONDS! I __
I
CoPilol E.\::tN1d~r U.._tl\"1<"• ()1,1 ·11o.tll\..,,,l••t1n""'~
\•1•n•Tr.1w..m1,-..on r.t<.".11
()nh $~ ~j~ plu-. ~2 ◄"-.) p.~
I
rot,tl\",.& \ln11\aw~l
and skirt c:rocheted from the same NoTools...
NoWires ...NoStickyMess
On l._,\ntennQ IJOOiiler(ALI..Kh( ,1u,1m tdlplvw11•W
l'li.ilU

material.
Joana, from Blstrtta, says the Your
Dashboard
...AndNo,Small
Speakers!
I
I
,k'fll"'IJ .. 1a•1tqth .uKi t(.-c,1nlonl
1:11( ll:' 0 }',t,_• ...
Onh ~I~ !151>lu,:;2 ~I p..\th
•• rsincoal completes her collection. topdming \,ith one handonyourcellphooe f 't'i l t A I''\ tt'"lldt.'llh ,tdd ,<•It•, l•''-
"J already have a costume, a
waislcoat, a hat, a sbawi, a handbag
and e,-ena purse, all made from my
w own hair,• she told the ErPnlmentul
Zlle/ newspaper.
S andtheotherhandon lhe wheel.WithCO-
PILOT SPfAKER PRO,youcantalk-and lis-
ten - to yourcell phoneparty...HANDS-FREE!
t \h c~k
I
:
1:,. endo",NJ lo, S ___

C'ts,ry,• m, .J \ 1S,o\ .J MN,7'1:RCARD

.J DL':,("O\"ER
.

F.\I>n.,11__ _

Joana, 94, started to keep her

Otherhands-free adapters usea smallspeakerthal I1Cwdl,c L- ____ _

fallen hair since she was 11 when mountsonyourdashandleavesa slic~')' goo. But 11\,lnl(" ______________ _
her grandmother told her it ""'s a lheCO-PILOT SPEAKER PROplaysrourentirecon-
sin to throw it •-Y. versationlhroughU1estereos.peakers of yourcar. :Addr,_..,'---~---~------ ...._....,.,__.,.
She uses her hair outllts for her
llnest o«asions, such as on You'llneveragainstraintohearwhat'sbeingsaid- :ell,,_______________ _
Sundayswhen she goes to church. andyoucane\'enconlJ'ol lhevolume10 }OUTown :!:,tt.t,IC',
___________ ~7i1">
___
She nenr uses shampoo be· p1ecise comfortlevel Usetwo differentcars~
The 1
cause"it poisons the hair" and only
_,bes II with home-made soap CO.PILOT SPFAKER PROtransfers
fromonecarto : Email dddre~'-------~~,-.~---- 1
and rainwater. another- inseconds.Orderroursn0\,1 I IIXJ,S.IJmd,..G..,._,.,,1/Nllt_OI,,,,_,..,._,.,,_, I
 wishedso hard to be inlliri• crystal salt and pepper
ble, especially when you shakers for our last an-
werecalledon in sehoo4that niversary. They're lovely,
(IOUcreated 011actual cloak- bul not practical for every-
mg device that has nevtt day use - we have tod-
quit. At midnight on the day dlers - so I put them
J10Uread this, Ughl a white away. Unfortunately, I can't
ccndle, hold it in fronJ((JYou remember where. I've
and repeat three time8, looked in every cabinet,
"Candle before me,flame so but I can't ftnd them. Now
bright, hcld8my change in its she's coming for a visit ud
light! No tonger cloaked am I would like to set them on
I, my presenceglows briqht.erI.be table. Can you help me
than the sky. I am now visible find them? - Frandc In

AllI toooldI ugly

to
and attractive lo olher3.0 Fresno
You'll notice the d(fferenee
within three days.
***
Dear Settna: My hus-
band and I Just adopted a
Dear Frantic: Your tod-
dlers are more craft!J than
I/OUthink! Look inside your
daUQhter's'°IIchest,~t un-
der the Malibu Barbie beach

gollack
tocollege?
baby girl, but we're con•
eemed that we weren't told
the Whole truth about her
parentll. Can you look into
your crystal ball and tell
house. SM wos playing
"dre&t up dinner" and put
tMm thereft)r fet.ir of a ,cold.
ing. Don't worry, they aren't
broken.

Dear Serena: I'm a 61-year-old

grandmot her wh ose lifie was devoted to
her family. The only kind of job I ever
had was a salesgt·r1in a 5 & 10 when I
was a teenager. ,----------1
Lately, l\'e been feel-
Ing bored, but I don't care
tor golt, bingo, canasta or
someortheotherhobbles
my friends 611their~
with. I've been thlnldng or
elll'Olling in college, but
my husband says I'm too
old to keep up with the
youngsters a.nd they'll
laugh at me because I'm a
wrinkledold prune.
Could you take a peek ing In the top 10 percent fo!,r Portland
into the future and tell years from new.1bugo, QU'l!
me if I'll be in a class•
room or a rocking chair? Dear Serena: I need the JIOUrchildhood when JIOU ln-law gave me a set or on your own.
kindothelplhatonJysome-
one as magical as you can
provide. 1 think I might be
whether the birth parent,
wlll ever cause us trouble in
the future, or if then: is any-
*
PERSONAL TO: **
Glamour Gjrl iD ~:
thing about them we need to 1rue beauly goes way below
lnmible - not a11the time know in raising our child? the skin and you need a per-
but 1DO$tlywhen I'm nerv- - Happy l'lu-enls In Macon sonaUly~.
ous. At parties, people Dear HaPPII l'brents: BurtlQg In Clewiston:
rarely speak to me. even
Although IJOU1' concernsare She11be back, hut don't ex•
-Spring Cbidcen in Chkago when I'm standing rig)lt in
natura~ ~'re U11founded. peet a sincere apology. Do
Dear Spring Chicken: front ot them. At work. I
NeiJJ!erthe birth mother orfor you really think you de-
Smy two i8 not too old to start make a c,omment and no
tiler will cou,e problems. 11)u serve one?
anew! If you ll.e$'.I your lw8- one seems lo notice. This
should make 8tl1'e I/OUhave DeeDee iD BMtlbrd: His
band'sapprowltostartanew never really bothered me
the birth parents' f1JJl
medil:al wife already knows about
histories and be sure to tell you and Is about to Ille for
life, utt a few of hu frworit.e before, but there's a new
(Oller 60} 11101Mstars to point job opelling up that I de-
JIOUrlitue girl the truth as divorce. Be warned. It's go-
out just how ym,ngJIOU soonas lhe'sold eno1'{lhto un- ing to cost him - and you
really serve. I don't want to be
are. As long as you don't try to passed over a.gain. can you
derstand. Olhenoise when -plenty.
keep up with the partJIani• cast a spell to make me
&Ms 12,she'Uftnd out on her Callie bJ Ob.lo:It's not a
own and that cm,ld become a g)lost; it's a thief, and his
mols, / not cmly ,ee you in a stand out in a crowd? -
cla&woom,I aee JIOU gradual· Caspar the Ghost in
serious problem. 'lbur honesty name starts with the letter
will ensure her loveand trust. "R."
*** ** *
Dear Casper. It feel& as Suffl,cafhlg In CAarlo!sf.oa;
tho1'{1hthere was a lime in Dear Serena: My molher- Yes, it's tJme to strike out

/Fortune Cookie o••••"

Z34
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 WASWNGTON-
Wbat's your Kindness
Quotient? Take this
asy test and fin
!
a good friend. marriage partJlet; parent
r co-wol'lcer,
you haveto be able to show kindness
to others, says Dr. Jackie Boles, a sociologlst.
"KindDess is c:rudal to eslabllshlng satisfactory per-
sonal relalionshlps. Every area of..------------
.....
Dll..i.clde

your social.~ andprofession- your ptrsooalrelallon11."

al Ille wfll imprll\'e wltb kindnesa,. To !Ind your own KlndDess
said Dr. Boles. "Alld lmowhlghow Quotient, lake the following qub,
d you are - your Kind.nen developed by Dr. Boles and then
check the scoring and analysl.a

,.~

lo, n..
loolrol
ords since 1976,
ndy in'fitet. you
Satan can•t wait to ••t
stand tall with
r ond learn thot
his hands on bin Laden
"It's 0.1(. to be BERLIN - Satan and his
different.'° evil henchmen "can't wait" to
get their claws into America-
hating madman Osama bin
Laden, a leading clergyman
contends.
A spokesman !or Germany's
Get the audio largest fundamentalist church SllYS
CO -rer-sion of that the terrorist mass murderer's
tlo• book, read rate has already been determined
by Sandy and bin Laden faces the wont pun-
he,-sellf /or ishment of any buman being since
just S24.95 Adolf Hiller himsell
"'l'bere will be testicle boiling
Or-def' now from Involved, eyeball piercing involved -
1st Book Ubrorr and that's just to softenhim up,• the
Rev.Max Uberbeim told reporterS.
"::.".!"!'' http://www.sandysbook.com "I hear they've really been sharp-
ening their knives for OUma down
there.
"Thank God rm not in his shoes.•
 Be quick lo show appreclallon, betwttn success and doing nice
otrer 8)1Dpelll;y._pnlse and coagni,. tblnp for otber people. Tbe kind per-
uJaUoos. Be slow lo be crllleal. - Is 1'vored wllll lhe same kind

-
Offer lo do tblnp for people with- treatment Ile shows olMn. ..

....
out being asked. 'n'y lo remember •••...,.Youarealmoet
lllalftllows.
1.0. ____ ,.. __ ftlreYerytl-you answered A, oae lhe IIUlebitsol _.. peopletell you loo kind lo be tnie. lmm'llnt ~
......,..,...._
..... point l'or every 8 and zero points about lllenlse"-
roreveryC.
.......
., TO • ,.._ You are as
la invariabty ol aChen. Bui IINft'• •
good poulblllty that aome ol ,_.

_..
,,_ (A) find a policeman and vohm- ..... , kind and socially COIICel1ledas ,.-yftiendlCl)liclbetalibqf~
teer lo be a wttnea: <Bl lea,'e a DOie ,_,. You'tt not near1y as kind mosc odler people - and you're olyoar ldndneu.lt)'DU~ M
llllcler tbe par1ced car's windshield as you could be, but beTe are some probably qnlte happy. youarebeing~ upon, learn lo

,_... ......
wl1hthe offending car's license num- lips lo ~ you:
_,_
ber: or (Cl cent'- onyNr_.,,
_....,_,_.....,.,_
........ ,,_ (A) Let II pus u.,_.
'l'Mre is a stroag relallanship
40\IUflllttln
beldnder- lo )"IJIIIWlll
AbW:■ffl,:VO"t

tlooed; (B) con&ont the person; or (C)

_
try lo get ew,:n?
.... ,.. ..... (A) Compua•
d,-elyeasy; <B)-"-' lwd; or (C)

... .................
~ dlllleult lo forglw people
wbo have hurl your teellQgs!
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dllldren; <B) mate. self, children; or
Self.ma~ career !lcmf1nt ~rm iln1ti1111t

(C)male, children, sell!

.... - (A) Fffiluenl.b':
(B)
ci1J\J)Jopportunities! ......
J.,,~~,\fnll

oiM'"
~

•
rarety; (C) never have -ualngnlce
T._......,._.........,
lo uy aboat people you dlslllre?

.. ,.. ... ,.....

w
Learn bow with Stratford you can train
at home ln your spare time to earn:
,....._ ....
~
(B) oeceskwelly; .,.- (C) rarely rooting
Cw____
1M lll!!!m19g'I • b4RJerraltt• "Succeed/Get the profeuional
• faaltr promotion• training ,-ou need, at home,
,- a 1,ea 1111• • ,,_ (A) • a new carttr in the Reld of your choice
Make • -1eom1ng call rigbt •-r. (B) in .Your apare time and earn
wait until you ftnd out more about Here's what career traJning a Diploma that tell•
them and then make a call; or (C) let can mean to you: employers: I llnow
the ..-rs make tbe lint _,
11omethingI'm
.... - (A) Often; (B) - •blah••.....,
times; (C) rarety 110alo!II wllll your • bJ3berAltUldanl of D•ine worth 11omethlng
mate'sdesires when tbey eonllictwith • areuer- ol oatWadloo to you.•
yourown? with )'OW" place In the ""'ricl
---. Give yoanelttwn points • lea &ruddy about the hrhltt
• DO rec,ds ,oeewbue dowa the Don't
road, about loot -hlnltles
• atoadyl"I at bome In your
delay!
DWIRFSUE ..,.,.11_
•oettlnayOQJ'owupocc,
Mail today!
:GOOD
GUYS! • the lattlt and - co-,e In
your carec:r tkld devdoped by ~--J
profaolooalt
l!Ig,mtfontC!)ntr Jlls[illl(
73315111- NWSulio 1100, Waohlnglon0C 20005
,· LOl'il>ON - H,rgPI what
vou\·e l'l"arl in fairvt."llt's like
• d.lttd atte:11 to quallfled
lo,truetora oo a ~ line lilfPLEASE CHECKONE PROGRAMONLY
R11m1whtillskin about ...,,;1•· • A diploma tllat tdla □- □-,- □ ,c­
t111ployen:I linow-hlnl □-- □-,-- □-­
dwarfs - tht> irulh is that 1hr
rnst maJorily of small p,•opl<'
I eao do .otM'lhln.,. r. o_,_
OM □---
o_,.._ □-
o--
""'rth '°metbln& to you. □-- □ ....- □-,--
han· hl-;trt.'>of golrl. a 1ww :,tudy
□- □-- □ ...--
l)fOH!S. □--
□ -o.en-
□-,--
□--... □-­
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-111~liw•yl';ir stud)' ftmtW<Ih) • ~trntford □-- □-- □-,-
a ..., ....,_
tht• Rrili~h go\'t"l'IHnt'""nl
:,,,hows
©!rm □--
□-,- □-
..........kwleal □ -YvO..-
lh:n. ,_,mlrnn· to <·omrnun bl"lil'f.
people of umi~uall~· short s,taturt' • institutt o~,
□-,-
□ Mldlalf-. .....
□-•-
□--­
o,-. ...
or..,.,.,,1.,.
□-- □---
□..:,,_,_
; m" LESS likt'ly lo bl" gr,...d)·.,-,n. Mall tbJo covpoa today
nh·iug or to 11ructi.N"hla~k magic.·, ror you, F'REEc.n:,,, IDfonnat!on □ ....--- □-- □--­
.than IM"1l(lleufan ...rag, ..size~ .. ·,~: or call ua tolMn!e at □-
□-••-- □--
□ ,c- □-----
In mldiliou, 1110-.,;Id\\"':l..rf."i are. l am under no obl.it10tion and no •ala1Ran &Dill «ocr call.
gentle folk,. llw s1udy found' 1-800-363--0058 Name Ao!
-·rmd ff.'wer tbnn one-m'.J00, ext.6084
pntC'tiC"f'rnnuihali!'\nt, Ylllt --1<: www«ttnltlinc-
PIRANHA
EAT
4ATTHEM
AVIGNO . France - A

PARI
tidal wave of terror has
stn1ck a newly built water
park where four visitors
were devoured alive by a
school of piranha!
Nicolette Buchet. 24, Henri Balthazard, 23, Raymond Vane!,
21 and Simone Campione, 19,were "stripped to the bone wilh•
in eight minutes," after the bloodthirsty killer fish overturned
their rubber raft, say police By ROBERTCUMMINGHAM
investigators. Wttl<IJIm,,fd Neu;o
The bizarre December 15 .___;;.... _________ ,
tnigedy hns put B damper on lhe creatures hadpicked her clean."
opening or lhe $1.8 billion Aqua• While the whitewater ride
world Iheme park. ..111chhad only has been closed, the rest of
he"n in businc,;~ for \wn week.,. the park remains open
"Attendance has fallen off 60 and a lhorough search
percent," says spokesperson has failed to turn up
Emmanuelle Leger "Ptople are additional piranha
e,·eo afraid to use the lddcbepool, all)'Where else.
which is only a foot deep" French author!
Cops have no idea bow lhe ties have resisted
Oesh ripping devil fish, nad,-e to demands that the
Soulh Amerl(a. round lheir way enUre park be tern•
into the popular Run the Wild ponirily closed.
River nde. which simUUJteswhile• "Doing that would
water rafting. be gi,,ng the culprits
But investigators note some exacUy what they want."
Fl-enchcultural punsts were or a police official
/ended thata sprawling. Amencan• said.
st:,,1eIheme park hnd beenerecied
m the histonc A,ignon area.
"The developers received
letters "arning them not lo
open Aquaworld,• a source said
Jean•Paul Campione, 25, was
111a second ran and watched ,n
helpless horror as his girlfriend
Nlc»lelle, kid sister Simone and
lhetr pals met their grisly fate.
"Wewere all b.a,ing a ball and I
was taking p,crures or the pns
laughing aod splashing." the young
man told a French 1V station.
"Simone yelled out lhat she
$aw some i'Unny looking' fish 1n
the water and tried to S(JOOp one
up The next second lhe rail had
capsized and there was blood in
tbewa.tec
"Youcould see lheir legs kicking
as the piranha made mincemeat or
them
When I saw my sister again,
she was just a skeleton. Those
 1n,:1me,-
GefI cftoice•
..
anrnere
-,,._llat, DO YOU WANT LOVE, LUCK, MONEY?
- l!XTRA STRONG - CASINO JACKPOT OIL
nl••llc•• .. •••••I
GAMBLERS"
'LUCKY MIT THI olACKH'TI WINI WUU W,MI
. N€CKLACI • D.IAMONDCUT ... X1070 u~oo-.Ch (I,., 11&.NJ
Altll~ll! 11\afoil was cttttH .. ta.mot Ill
Poc~od with POWER inillil It tan Mt(J blp •• C.11l'IIJIH.lt:t liltgO
,i,.,... 0, cont:ry flllJtr - •~lb- .. ,'"" of
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u·, your tum to hlt that
P,fftlitl', IOWII\ &if Ust 1.1tn!r dlftl ,0. ,ity.
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ri
winning number and get those IINt Its power llu NMnt ID N • WlnMr 11
BIGBUCKSI
trying t-0 find a parking space. And ..,O,N,OU:ftly

you don't have to be stuck in the heart No. J2300 Only $111.50 each
STOP EVILI
of New York City 1o fit in lhe tiny spaces that ,011 - Sprlnk.Jlng lalts & YaNI/Houae Dreaalnt
during rush hour are easier 1o find than fUII. • Bingo • Cetds No,,A1140 la.OO.ach/tfwl11.IO
• Lottery • Races .. • TW.1'wlrMIIKlSaltlllO\l"1Plttastl
to feel the an- sized spots.
. h Warning: Do not b\O' a : ~~':'.t>!.rs.ny• OfCI ~fill • Yorffwttl~lll'dtNIM• -•-
guts • motol'C)-cle(see No. 41. Game of Che.nee • -..Ndtriir,uao$1DBN90ftit
• SCW,n111twic10Mta.d,..,..,_con-tratfffJOIN; _~
111PlflJ
With a car full of • Keep a pair orbinocu-
squirmy kids or rowdy Jars in your car so you can 1-----------------1 . ~~9:'~~cnON,s~,..,,_i.oc..,.o VII
backseatdrivers, every pinpoint choice spols from a LUCKY RABBIT'S FOOT ,.,..,..
distance. - Perfumed 011 -
second wilhoul a space Do 001 try 10 use the STRONG LOVE COLOGNE
can feel likean eternity. binoculars whUeyour car is FOR BOTH MEN & WOMEN!
Here, from the wild, in moUon-thars a collision No. A1'U_.,o,,1ya7,.1
wacll.v and outrageous Web waiting to happen. ..._,.11Yi11'111•aow.111cwnp
site. GueriUaParking.com, • If breaking the law and GMf'l"ldal,V(I06e
are tips lo belp you find and endangering the lives of In- • Ttfplt SIJtf'lsti., lo~•' tirr
secure a spot in seconds nocenl people doesn·t bother LO¥tPfOt!hffi
• F,o,IOltf11111&1ia
flat, no matter how hope- you. park in front ofa fire I\>'· • Olrtcl,oMftdlidtc
less the situation looks: drant. then cover it with an
• If your car is a wreck. upside-down garbage can. XXX Triple Power ELEPHANT FRl!E GIFT & CATALOG
and your passengers are-----------■
quick on I.heirfeet. park in No. M1300 ....... Sa.ea ••ch WITH EVliRY ORDER!
areas that most people
avoid. like near a strip club
ltllly we're...., TheEltph:Jf'II
GoodLt1Clk
with the iNnk up mt&n$
for rout Till 2 InellOn)'l ~
PIUCR

or behlnd a clothingstore
that caters to street gangs.
totelJIIINlt flep,fttot Ila, t1'e powerto dtlW
Mor_.., Blmi:n;s yo1Jr w1y: from
1

• ct,: ,
LOS ANGELES - Gembflng,Cts..n-ot.Nvmbet1.l.ottery, """• <
Make sure the area is well• •AODI Nlff/MAMD:. $3,00
111. 111dmore, .«..: •
Lodies, does your •rug 1----------------1 HOW
JIIU$"1,...U,OOutH
l'N.00 ,., .... 111.,.,
• If a motorcycleis tak- motch your drapes•?
ing up a space big enough MONEY BUDDHA NECKLACE TOPA'r. TOTAL
If so, you"re on exception. 0 ,UPAl0CA»t Ofl M.ON.fYON)UI -ADO Q.OOPo.l& Mltld.
for your car, tell your Of the ,n,111ontof U.S. women 1 t No. J4207 S9.H l21or SU) QPRUAm CASH Ofl MONEY OAO£R RUSH •PRIORITr
friends lo climb out of the who color their hal~ o fflffe 9
@
UR\1101.•ADD SI.GOP_.,...&.~
MN yolll'wlStlandt\lb lhtl.ueicyBIJGctla'I OPRCPMDCMECIC-1 MW tnJSlllUT ADOFIHS•fd PffOHI.
back seat, plcic It up and pe~nt - fewer ft.on one In bel1 to ruoaway you,money wornes NUM8lfl .. ,,,,.,ctit,c1.-•1M1Wi..11111_..,••N...,.._
1M OC,0.D,•IMnlfflC:lutMl•l'J.OODIPOltT.
mO'l'I!the bike to the side- IO - apply motching dye in
1"'81k.
troub&tt. l'I bad ftn,annaJtl\ape? Heed 0 OUTSIOI"U.S.A..-heel 11.00, .... '°'
P&H• U.S. fllNh Dfll'J1
lMt+'J .......... Ol"CHf$ ... ~MdM--NH.
the<, IMklnio,.,.,, occording to fflOO<yllt1Pt111ell" S.. ggio; 10 INb
• Sell lhal C8dillac with a ..,,.,.., conducted by o leod-
fins and bizy a subcompact lng holr-<Olor company. -1r tndl fflHt? WI\~ ,-OUl'!MdI Re.alMoDty

I I
• Mu aa Min paymeni'pfOIM.'t Nfl"IC)fit,
ciu.,,.._
PO Box 10178
C!earwa~r. F-l 33757-811'8 BULLETIN
BOARD
WIIKlf woa,oHIWS Fa, "°"""""'9_,...,...,
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18:30• &00 "'" Cout lime)
[11001223-85&8
Fa,;(888)ffl-2M9
•
--· 1877) 56&-6830
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ASTROLOGY ASlROLOGY BUSINESSAT HOME FINANCIALLOANS PERSONALS
PAYA-F-T-E•RRESULTS STOPSREJECTIONS.
8'iog, $20,000/WEEK pouible, 9"1-ffd• All
lo•• FREECASHI WetlfflY1... 1.,, •-- WEAi.THYFAMllS """'°""'9ml~
Lovttt tt1,1t1i11td~nigh-I Sl'QClftwliiuptl beck.FassId.ion i,,1:3'1
Ml-l316. YoUor-,. ~UII. 18--.C9001933-4600.
AA. ,ng mllhont ro minfmltt rhtir cew, lions 10 rtduot uxts! ~ &ox47,
-,.;,y. Go,,.,,,... .....,-1800! 5'4- SISTERANGELR_,. ..,,_ Mates Ft.ltt,l'(J. Fonunt>BJS.
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READING! :::.,,.,._
FllEE PAIII hel!>loqou! -rit,ip r<LS..W.UISl9)8'!o-W4.
(«II)) F'AEDCTHomeof ~-. moscfall,ru1UOCNd!
4900) 464-01ID, ctture.C800t
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:oo~:i=~ic.t: ,no .tsttalogttS. Cd: WHYPAYI psychic?You,besi ~ CHATDATELINES
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NEW AGE PSYCHIC ~::~=~'!5c;:=:FREEADULT CHAT
Mtn QtlJO ffiih.rtH frtt wi;J'I COdl9901.
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•
How
toraise
well•behaved childre
I•..lfit6oulEVaharingtobeattliemlI
MIA.Ml - With the possible exception of
finding a good auto mechanic, raising a child
can be the most difficult thing a couple can do.
Bul Wilh lhese helpful
ti?$. you can ha,,ea well-be- By JASON MARSHAL de:.mbe what , OUr,ee((.
haved cluld lha1 "ill make l\~ekly \\orld ,v,w, For example,• t want IOtake cbild care duties need to be "getaway with it" the next
you the tlfl,y of e\1'1)' couple mrns givingthe babybathsbe- done "'eekl)1 Oaity" E,-cry IS Don't lei your child see
- while you keep lbose Don't hesitate to ll!lk your c,,use rm Iired ofb(>in~so.ikedminutes• )OU overnilioig your part•
pesky knock-<lown-<itag-ou1 mole for help- and use pos w tbc bone e,'CJ'Ymght by his Deride exactly how you ner's diseiplh,e Tho! will
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Oper,ly diS('USS)OUr opin- W'illlheN! be spanlongs? Time- spect for your partner's
PAUL
Bunt.
BUNYAN'S AXFOUND!
-A 14-foot hosbeen rceovo,ed
Mont, OJI by e,r,
ions abo11I child rearing -
but not in front or your child
outs• Ban• or watchlng
wresUing on T\-. Weeks ,,.;th
autboril) rasterthan you can
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B•nyonreclly Oldstod! ,-ery different ,iewo abouI howname-calling? Don'1 play good-parent,
'The e.r,ormous wood-chopping tool wos found beneath to raise and discipline children Be consistenl "itb disc+ lmd-pareul. The idea orthe
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1,_be,jock. Make a de1alled list or whal'• comingfor misbeha,ior hammer ,.t,en he gets home
Experts:~ the wood.,, shodc,, whtch onc.e stood 40- 1>ar('nting rc-s1,onsibilities Oon'I let him gel blasted for '"'m work bn'1a hc"-1thysitu•
fect to.ti, may been Bunyan's outhouse. and household cbo,...,;. Whal sometblllgone lime and tben atlon for anyone.

IND AM w
MONKEY - & fef all the
Youtun win a cuu-sock monkn~ ...... J 6,.
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jib! t,y readlnJ! thb wttk'• Issue orStrf,,- IJ'Offl
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WASHINGTON - Havlog a bard time squeezing 2. $er\-e reasonablypl'Ol)OI' - play some touch football,
8. lndlllge In your family's
past family members in the hallway? Does your fami- play basketball. set up a ping. taste for adventure.And if
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take ballroom dance lessons. adventure, force-reed an
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Would ftmnels and feed few unwanted pounds off your passing around dishes where 5. Join a health club togeth- movement, such as hiking.
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BAT CHILD FOUND IN CAVE! WOMAN KILLED BY FUR COAT! I

D XL □ LARGE □ (14-16)
KIDS' D XL □LARGE □KIDS'
114-161
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ITEM QUANTITY ORDEltED PRICE

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CAPS @$9.95 each

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Q PAYMENT
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Gord Hu...i- ______________ bp. Dote ___ _ Found hJ C.-1 o, Women /Ci/ledly ,,,_ Coot/
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MAIL TO: WeelclyWorld Hews Merd,c,ndl .. SHIPPING
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 WeeklyWorldNews exclusive: The WORLD'SBIGGESTCROSSWORD!
ACROSS 100 Thespians 198 Beo 73 Matures 170 Part of a gallon
Wander about 104 Variable stars 200 S<:fioofing 75 Broadcast aaaln 171 - Island
7 Heathen 106 Threaded fastening 202 Magna- 79 Black - splaer 172 Airport abbr.
device
~~ ~~~e~n
12 Backwardprefix 82 Scottish river 174 Chol>off
108 Math course (Abb., 83 Orastlcally reduce prices 175 Stoltz and Roberts
17
23
24
Chopped v,gorously
Sticky
Refer. brleny
m ~~~7edand -,
114 Beach goal
~: ~ff~tf:~ght
210 Be<t'spal
86 Run --: out of con~
87 Lawyer group
90 Sir - Newlon
1n lype of an:hltecture
178 Cuts deeply
179 Stretch over
25 Regard as true 116 Milan eunency 212 Armless Chait 93 SDeedcompelltlons 181 FBI guys
27 Oalctree, once 118 Set up a tent 213 Ship's wOfl<ers 96 Uke an Igloo 182 Team leade,
28 Small beard 120 Muscle twinges 215 Uthuania (Abbr) 97 Level 183 Ink smudge
29 Imperative 121 Treaty 218 Location 101 Stuff 184 Aottate
30 Maiden 122 Gu,,llne type 217 Anoient Scot (Vall 102 On edoe 186 GrNk philooapher
31
33
35
36
Gushing $0Und
Crows over
Mental structure
Strengthen
124 Standard,usual
126 Actor BridQes
121 "Tha-Stnkes Back"
m:~;...i:~=~~
223 False, p,etend
103 Have iDusions
105 Unsociable
106 Massacred
187 Caress
189 Removal mark
192 Goodbye, in Paris
37 White-tuned weasel 129 Beneath 225 Luminous bullet 107 Meddling 194 Toy truck maker {TM)
38 Suckled 130 Actor Waite, 227 Spooky 109 Property clalm 197 Moslem ruler
11o Receiveda degree
41 t.a,genail
43 Cabbage variety
131 S<:ottlahport
132 Work avoider
133 Twelve mos.
229 Halt IIIQally
231 Shakespearun king
232 Always
112 ~ city problem
113 Bean counters (Abb.,
1: ~~\h
200 Restaurant goer
45
46
Getman home
Short with wonJs 134 Land of Uncoln (Abbi'.) 234 Motion picture 114 Followed closely ~ :t'°~• daughter
~~~~~~
47 Glides with ease 135 Potato State 115 Land measure
50 Steal 138 Ubenll 117 Fruit drink 204WamiRIJsignal
140 Made an afghan 239 "Six - Dollar Man• 119 Hunting 206 Ike's firs! name
~ =erlng coals 142 Delete 241 Single cell organism 120 Closinq tighUy . 209 Differ In opinion
56
58
59
Ump
U"ljering Injury sign
• - upon a time"
145 The outdoors
147 Of su,pe,torquality
146 Body joint
149 Public speaker
m~:i.
244 Sheep breed
orlglmal
249 Body painting
121 Postpaid (Abl>I)
123 Mistake
125 Telegraph inventor
126 Bat one's syes
211 Stain alternative
214 Food ~rovider
mt~::.r.
60 Strongly dislike 150 Assen 251 A short time 128 Kitchen ll)l)llance
61 Cheesevariety 220 RebelUons
64 Listens 151 Weekendchore 253 Figure aka'ter Valova 136 Ent.Wner Letterman 222 In person
66 Make up for 154 Munich native 254 In adolescence 137 Heston ftlck: ·een - • f~~ngs
69 Eta 167 Half prefix ~ ~~or computers 139 Cookie crispers
71
72
Heart part
Repast
158 Actor Danson
159 Category
182 Fruit stones
257 Aridity
258 Tall hollow ;ruses
l!l ~~~._
144 A few
228 Red antiseptic
230 Oil additive (TM)
231 Roster
74 Kitchen utensil 163 Lion hideout 259 Portals 146 Roaat host
76 Dutch bloom 149 Beginning ~~~:piece
n Cut comers, monetarily 164 Beer-drinket"s comment?
167 StUMed
260 Sttangenea
152 Eanhen pol 237 Nanow street
78 Tum on a hinge

=
DOWN
~ ~~wi;,:neral
238 Expression of aom,w
79
80
Building annexes
Lateral portions
169 SMU cry
171 The Great Barrier -
173 Dec1ltful trick
2 Conceited one
3 Juneau's state
l156 Al•tike tool
239 Hoover Dam lake
240Westernalliance
High end,n;ghty ones
81

=
64 F'loor9d,in boxing (Abbr)
~~!:,lj~
8insect
176 Blueprint particular
179 COWl>Oy
180 Blg boats
ll()ad
4 Cashew or macadamia
5
6
Profound
•For your - only'
J:,> Fisher's game
164 Acfresa Delta
m ~;=n~th
246 Guys
wonder

88 Ainch 183 Rosaryitems 7 Maybe 165 Woolly

185 Dead bO<ly 8 AClress Huston 166 Se! down in wrillng !~~pt.
89 Ruasian ruler 188 Burden 9 ~ distance carrier 166 Chicago mayor 252 ·star wan·character,

=
90 Syrian neighbo< 190 Mountain lops 169 Stipolates -Solo
91
92
Accolades
St. Valentinewas one 191 Wares 10 e4lhat a Shame"
192 Pub order 11 Wlltten announcement
94
95
98
Mates for bucks
Slips away from
lnfonNII yes
1113Addamo family cousin
195 "Don't cry over - milk"
g by payment
196 Property divider 14 AClor Conway
99 Ache 197 Holy, in Paris 15 Lookinto

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Keep trock of your spending ove, tti-.
not two wMkt ond '" H rou'•e be«n
impulte 1hoppi"9. Yo1.t'Ytbeen fttrin9
onxlous totel')'.,o• 1f yov ore about to fig•
ure It oll out - good news - you iu•t
m;ghtt Try dfnnor ond o rnoH09e.
CANCER
Jun• 21 - July 22
S.ing c.ompoulonote mor oUo,w
friends GM rtlorivfl to UM you lo, thei,
own Hifflh lntl'retts this week.
This mar be thci luckifft weft. of ,Ot.W
lilt. Tol<lngodrantoge of new opponun~
ties could l'flVII 1', hi.IgoRnondol goins.
Remember: Wolk o.k,no be-fote you
wa• ahead. The bird sings fw itseff. Toke
dn,,e to Cl"plore thoH wdlt of u._,uoppecl
talem but a..,;d tl,c, neighbors.
LIBRA
Stpl. 23 - Oct. 22
FoUowlng o c:reotlw-eurge nO'll'eould
kod to d.ro:motic cho:ngm 1n yoYr Ufe~
Don't be ofroid to fn.,Jt your ln.lflncts.,
\lo'ffr red ond toke o chonc.e..
Being too depe,ndent moy creote le.
gal probtem.1. Stand on your own t-,,,o
ffft ond o•o-id on unwe.lcomo •i1itor,
A chong• in plonr moy coun o ,moll
••tbock_. but your goo·l1 can s:tlll be
oc.hieYed.
CAPRICORN
Doc. 22 - Jan. 19
You're r....-.d up ond re-ocl"y
to 90 this
wffiil, accomplishing thing, you dktn't
think you pcsslbly could. At wo,k you'll
ho"e tome bri!Uont ldeo-s thot wiU be
Ntcatrfv -.ebe!d ,._ 1w et'-tr:
the powar to tron1lotc them ,n,o
"""° h(We
deed5, Molae 1ure ,ou get the c:rfflt!
At home, look to tlffp on the covch
eo,ty In the week,, but h 11 bod1. to rhe
bedf'"OOffl by the w-e4end.
If yourbirthday
Thb yea, is fuU of mystery. Your tutvre will
be up Jn the olr beco1,1.14
ore delayed.
U,.._pected e¥entt wiU kHp yot.1J1JmPfnt~
but cfnpt1e the inn, you ""HIdo wflt thl1 yeor. dedore war!
Be oggrenive and willing to 90 ofter
your 90011 thit wc~lt. But r~mc.mbcr ,ou
ho-weo minor inth,•nce O•Ctf friends ond
ossoclotet IO don't push your luck..
Don't travel unneceuorlly on
Thurs.day ond F;ridoy. Hcu.ordom: ti me
ends by tM WC!elcmct The color 9,eon is
ludy for you - we-or ft for busin:flJ
mfftingJ or on romantic outings. You
won't be sorry.
LEO
July 23 - Auq. 22
There's tl'oubl• b...,.,fng trrlt'}'Wi,eN",
but you con co,,... out 1mdUng like o
rose If J'OU kttp o coo1 heod thit wfflt.
Don't let friends talk you into joining
bottl" that ar<tn't worth fighting. It
co1.1tdco1t rou!
An e,·rnoUor phonci coll br,ng.s excit-
ing,,_.,
A dr-etatnabout mOf'IC)'corn.et truOi-
but In o way you'd ne-,e, expect,
SCORPIO
Oct. 23 - Nov. 21
Beptq:>cu·eclto toke ocfvantoge of on
Mnu.wol opportunity th11 week. Got ad•
vfce from aperts Jf MCHJ.Oty. bu·t don't
WOftO rour money..
Your Hnse of loyolty could leod to
probl..,,, when o trusted fnt'.t1d tries to
get you lnto trO\lble. Rety on inJ1in<11or
on ln-low to do ttt. ,~ht thl"f,
Get to wort. on an important house-
hold p,ojec1 you"•• neglected too long.
AQUARIUS
Jan. 20 - ,ob. 18
Atsels yo1.1rRn.ondol pot:l"tio" thlt
we•k. St-udy clOHly mi,-tokes mod.-. in
tM: post and mop out o pion thot •lU
put you on the .-ood to 1«:urhy..
A fomlty dfsogN.!Cmfflt may requjtt
you, tolcnt for fait•mlnclcdncn .. But don't
mokctl,e mfstob ~ <hooilngsldH.
Fantasies about o c;o~wof'kffhove to
stop! Fo,gt1 about lt and ga1 away for
the week.Met.
is this week. .
I
A word of coutlont You need to Mt mottet"1
1mportont deds:k,ns ,t,olght with ,.to-fiye,, Try ta remain occuJ.i...
ble In cow othc:..-1\lt'ish to contact you.
Don't '-fa.rt fighting ony botflet wntll you
Oor1't be oftoid to look Into a mirro,
ond see whot's reo·Hy there this we~
even if it makes J0-41 wince.
KrMrW your Jhengtht on.d weoknHMt
and ho• to dc-olwith them. You may set
on example for someone w'ho hos al~
wa,s look..d up to you. 8e obi•cti"11
whet" gMng odYic.e.Or Htter JtiH, don't
give h. Surprls:lngfy, yotJ',. also poised
for romance. UM" it or k,u it.
VIRGO
Auq. 23 - Sept. 22
This it no time to act Ilk• a sourpuss.
Your c.hcmn ond sen.se of humor co1,1ld
brlng tinonclol rewords thlt week.
Smile, ...-~ If it hurti.
Resist rite urge to be brutoUr honffl
with a person who's In a position to help
yov. To1'e th• toctfut opp,ooc.h.
A dreom could sco,. )'CK,I,le sure to
scporate fontos:r from reolity o:nd aYoid
lat►night dri"ing Tuesday ond ff'idoy..
SAGITTARIUS
Nov. 22 - =· 21
""" oppof'tunJty to mo..,e <hnngn thot
would Improve your home or work Hte
moy come your woy th.ts we.ek. But don't
count o-, It. S. ,u.r• you know what you
wont but remember thot bononot grow
5n buncheL
EmphoRi.e ,01.1.rgood Points - hon•
Hty, g....,oslry and moc1 .. 1y.And llghton
wp! Now•• the lime to M1 some rooNstic:
gools - like deaning the goroge.
PISCES
,ob. 15'- Mar. 20
Wh.ot o week for ,o,nonc•t A new
love could ~ter your hfe by the wttk-
end., feo.,ing you bt'eathtn-s. Wedding
b•Us ore In the o;r,
Your finances gel o.n unexpeded
boo11 - keep on eye on you, mailbox..
Co, trouble covld kff:p you ground,
ed on Tundoy 1 and o helpful friend wUl
pr·o.,• to be o frie:nd inde-ed, though ht
moy hit you up fof' o bigge, to•o.r.
 "- YOURMIND!
WASHINGTON- Here they ore: The greotttt optlcol llluslonson Eartfl.,gleaned hom
academic textboaks and presented here fewyour amaument. Shaw 'em to friends. Post
'em at wort.. Let rteryl,ady In on the fun you found exclusivelyin Weelrly~ Hews!

◄ l1,ae •ertieol 11- o,en't

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be the judpl ,._ dof!'t
fottotto ,llow .,...., '"""·
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think!

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bitterthon the_, Ri,i,t? Wrong! Elb......, 11,ot I,!
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PROSl'lRITY
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CREATIVEWOMAN
IA'lo: TIM _,. In
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LlTTlHGGO
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than yourself can ,....
timet do wot1der1,
 Bat Bay crashed the
party - b\lt nobody
complained, especially
ofter learning that
America', favorite Mo--
rinc had T-shirts for
Greg Richmond, center
front, ond all the pols
who helped the boy
celebrate his bar mitr•
•oh!
In WOJ!llngton, r•lioolo
IOUf'cet: confirmed
t Bot Boy
returned
to the
United Stotet from
Afghon;,,on to ...,.ult
wi1h Presldant
Geor9e Sus:h
before S«tet
Sf!nice agents
heltQtpteN!d h.im to the
Richmond bo<h.
The bc,(1 fotM'r is re-
ported to have • 01.sisted
Bot Boy" d\lring his yeo,s
°"the run ofter escaping
from o rese,a,rch focility
in 1999. •Ho dtd"t' bite o
II single child 1 "' declared
one source, odding: ""Th.
loft t heo,d he wot on hi,
wor back to Afghani•
ston to continue hi,
fight ogatnst terrOflun.•

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WASHINGTON - In CaJama,a towu in the Atacama Reffl4n9 took his he-ro'snom•
1,om o reol,tife Philoclelphlo
Desert of Chile, it has never rained. Antarctica is the ou1ho<of a bookcalled 8/rds
only continent without reptiles or snakes. Priests in of the W~n Indict. Fleming
ancient Egyptian temples plucked every hair Crom theit· loto.r wrote-:. "It struck me t+tot
thh, no.me, brlei, unromontlc
bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes. ond yet •ery masculine.,wot
Those are just a few samplesof lhe dazzlinggemsof trivia Weekly jurt whot I needed.•
World News editors have dis- • Contrary to popular belief • ·Q" is the only letter in
covered while researching AlmerDoubledaydid not Inventbase- I.be alphabet that does not
and writing the terrific sto1ies ball. The story gre,.• out of baseball appear UI the name or any or
executiveAlbert Spalding'sdesire to the UnitedStates.
you see in our paper every obscure lhe game·• origins a,, an • Accordlng to the
week. Here's still more: English game called "Rounders • Nauonlll Geographic
Doubleday.who died 14years before Sociecy,a sur\'ey of I 8- IO
be w.is creditedwilh lhe game,never 24•year•olds Crom nine
playedbaseball in his Ufc nations put the United
Slates dead last in general
geographic knowledge
ijCOrcs One in seven
Americans - about 24 mil-
lion people - could DOI Ond
lheir owncountry on a world
map.
• The last CtviJWar
veteran died on Dee I9,
1959,in Franklin, Texas,al
the age or 117 Waller
Washington WiUlams
joined the Confederate
army on Nov.H, 1861,al the ageof 20. UponreMhing the age
of 113,he was then one of rour sur-
VIvingsoldiers of the Ci\l\l War
• There are only l\\--Oaeu,.., dta·
mond mines in lbe United i;t;ites.

They are in Arkansas and Colorado
• The proper term for a group of
bears is a "sleuth·· or "sloth" or bean;
Other proper anlOlal group terms
include. a •murder• of Cl'O'o''$,• • rag•
of colts. a "murmuration• of starlings
and a ·noat • of crocodlles.
• St Genesiua is the patron
samt of epilepsy and lawi-ers.Other
patron saints include St Sebastian
ihnrdwnn-l, Our Lady orLoretto
thomebwldersl andSt. Raymood
(medlcnl records librarians! Sl
Jude is the patron saint of hope-
less causes
• lntere~!lng place names
in Kentucky include, Rnbbit
Hash, Bea,-er Lick, Monkey's
Eyebrow, PoS$um Trot and
Bugiussle ~fichlgan spons a town
named Podunk andone called Hell
• Squirrels can climb tree,, raster
lMll they can run on the ground.
• The one root measurement is
based on one-lhird of the length or the
arm or King Henry I fl068 1135>or
England.
• Poet Henry Wadswonh
Longfellow \\'AS the first
American to bave plumbing
installed in hlS hOU!le,in 1&40
• Comeduiniactor Bitty
Cr)'$lal ponrayed Jodie Dallas.
lbe first opentv ga) main chnrnc-
ter on network tele,ision on
ABC's Soap, which aired from
1977lo 1981
norne• not
ending in the
• There Is a town in France letter·s·ore
called Condom But it's the center the Utoh J.an.,
for the production or Annagnac, a theMloml
type of bnmcfy T0\\11 offie13Jssay Heot ond the
Ibey hn,-e to replace the !Jgn bear- O,fondo
ing the name of their 10,,11 fi..-eor Mogle.
six times a year due to thefts by
Briush tourists
• As of 1940,a total or 90 patents
had been taken out on sha,·•
ing mugs Edwin
Land. in,-entor of
the Polaroid cam-
era, Is secondonly
to Thomas Edison
ln the number
,more than t.300)
or u S patents
granted for inven-
nokes
9roup1 to
tions. Neither
ught ... patented any
sha,,ng mugs
e-times
00 of • The oys
ter Is usually
'°ii up In
tl,er to ambisexual. IL
begins ~re as a roses. According to
male, then hJstot4anJ,Mero hod
bec<,me., o pipes instolled un:de,o
female, then bonquet plotet to
changesback ollowhi• glH!11$ to
to being a be spritzed with rose
• The hypodermic needle was male, then 1-Unt betwttn
m,-entcd in 11153.ll was lnllially used back to bcmg dinner courset..
a temale It ._ ______ _,
for giving lttjeelions or mo'l)hine as a
painkiller Phy1dcians mistakenly may go back and forth many limes.
belie,-ed that morplune would not be • Among Asian elephants, only
addictive If 11 bypas<ed the digestn-e the males ha,-e LuSks Both sexes of
tract. t\lncan elephants huve tusks.
• Crabs walk sideways to keep
• "Un 20001commuters will go 10
the city In huge aerial buses lhat hold from lnpping over their °'"' leg)!
200 passengers Hundreill! of thou- HA'1ng 10 legs, eight for \l'lllkangand
sands more ..;u make sueh journey" l\l'O pincers for picking up food, crabs
twice a day in their own hellcopte-rs.• have too man, ~mi,. lo sort out in
- Waldemar Kaempfert. Popular order lo walk straight ahead
Mechanics, 1930. • In most states, a weddingnng Is
• In 1974the U.S. f'orest Sen,1ce exempt by Jaw from indusion among
pubhshed a study on l'\Jture Leisure the assets m a bankrupt estate Thus
En,;ronmenls By 1989,i~ prooic:'led credilOrs cannot M!W! a wedding ring.
pnvate aircraft"'Ould be banned from no matter ho,,• much the bankrupt
metropollw airports person owes
and only non pol • The banana and Lh~ Bird-of
lulmg vehicles Paradise Dower 6re in the same ramllv
would be allowed and lettuce is a member of the sunao,,er
on the streets. famll)
• Humphrey Bogan never said, "Play ii
again. Sam" in Ca&ablo11CO. and Sherlock
Holmes never srucl, "Elementary, mv
dear Watson" in any of Sir Arthur Conan
Doyle's detective stones
• •Chd 8oyo.rdu" wa, o ,eol chef,.
though hi, name wot 19e4fed Boiordi.
Henry 8oiordi wot on ltotion emlgiront who
orffied ln the U.S. In 1914 ot the 09e ol
17. Ho perfected hi, P<Jtlo10wcoIn
Oo•elond in 1929 ond began ,elling it ot
the ,~ucn of cu.stomrrs. He died at age
87, And yes, that's him on the Joi,.11
'J"""lmall},Jn all nnt\11!1I.
nMHurg,cal""} 10larger
_f-4Jnd firmer loolung bre:hh W11bBlou,\,1fll
Breast Enhancing mblet>. )OU can increase
,our breast size. firmnes, and fullnes;
:.Nalura.ll1·!l\o more amficial padding or c,pcn-
si,-e >Ull!tcal
1mplsn1>1',o\\ "Ith Blouuanl'". o oa1-
u111Iherhal breasr enhancement rable1. ,ou eon
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t'IIU po1i1/,·,-re111lt," ond also 1nu1, Blou..<an1a, a
''j1ut-acti11g... ll'U ln>'a,fre alternutfre tr, c·o1me1/c
wrger)'... lmagme hO\, great n 1\111 be 10 ge1
Increased clea,•ge and 10gntn ba~·kthe firmness
1011 had u u teenager, In~ ti:" week, wu'II \Ce
i--oult> ~our confid,rnccIC\e.l"ill ..oor' -

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