SHAME & SEXUAL

BROKENNESS
by Jay Stringer (Abridged and adapted by Alan Gingery
from)
https://www.covenanteyes.com/2019/03/25/shames-ma
ssive-role-in-porn-use/

Mar 25, 2019

Shame’s Massive Role in (Unwanted Sexual Acting

Behaviors/Attractions)
Many of us tend to think we feel shame in response to
(attractions or sexually acting out). What might surprise
you however is that the reverse is also true.

The more we feel shame, the more we will be drawn to

(act out/feel unwanted attractions).

Why? Shame drives us to behaviors and attractions

that reinforce the judgment we hold against ourselves.
Whatever your judgment is, you will inevitably pursue
behaviors that provide evidence to confirm that core
belief.

The Face of Shame

As a counselor, I often have a front row seat to the
debilitating nature of shame. When people talk to me
about their use of pornography and the specifics of
what they search for on the internet, they fight to keep
shame from fully possessing them.

They avoid eye contact, fail to finish their sentences,

and become extremely evasive of questions and vague
in their answers. Sometimes they even stop talking
altogether. Their faces become red, their eyes search
in hypervigilance, and if the experience intensifies, their
bodies hunch over, their heads droop, and they bury
their faces in their hands.

Shame is primarily concerned with the eyes or the

perceived gaze of someone seeing our (unwanted
behavior). ​Shame makes us want to hide. It tells us
that something about us is beyond repair or
intrinsically foul and we would be better off unseen.
Our discomfort is unbearable.​ All we can do is run
from how widespread our problems seem to be.

For those of us who have struggled with (unwanted

sexual attractions or behaviors), shame is an
all-too-familiar companion. Given this, it might seem
unnecessary to point out the relationship between
shame and these attractions/behaviors. Surely, feeling
unworthy after having done something sexually that
violates our core values is a fairly straightforward affair:
we’ve done something wrong and now we feel
ashamed of it.

However, when we look more closely at the relationship

between shame and (unwanted attractions/behaviors),
something surprising comes to light: our shame isn’t
simply a natural consequence of viewing pornography,
(hook up sex, fantasy, sexting, sexual chats, etc.); ​it’s
also a key driver propelling us to it.

According to the data from my research, men were

almost 300 times more likely to seek out pornography
for every unit of shame they felt about such behavior.
For women, the numbers were almost double, with
those in my sample being 546 times as likely to do so.
It must be said that shame, not pleasure, drives
pornography use.

(Can we not understand that shame, not pleasure

drives all unwanted sexual attractions and behaviors?)

What Story Does Shame Tell About You?

At some point in our lives, we will have to engage the
stories that shame tells about us. Do you believe you
are not good enough? Too insecure? Too awkward?
Too stupid? An intrusion? (Same-sex attracted?)
Whatever your core belief about yourself is, be on alert
for how you will manufacture evidence to confirm that
belief. ​Embedded within your shame are clues into
the stories that convinced you that you were
unwanted in the first place. ​Those stories, not the
shame of (your unwanted attractions and behaviors)
are the most crucial to address​ i​f you desire wholeness.

The next time you feel shame about your latest

pornography consumption, (fantasy, acting out, etc.), I
invite you to go deeper into what exactly you believe
about yourself. Let me show you three brief examples
of how a core belief shapes your experience of shame.

Let’s say your core belief is “I am unlovable.” Your

shame will tell you that if someone got to know the real
you, he or she would not love you.

If your core belief is “I am insignificant,” your shame

might tell you that you look at porn as a consolation
because no real romantic partner would ever be
interested in someone like you.

Or if you believe, “I am screwed up,” because you were

aroused by something you thought you shouldn’t have
been aroused by, your shame will use your latest
escalation in (unwanted sexual behaviors/attractions)
as evidence of how messed up you are. (Fantasy,
pornography, sexual chats, etc. are) just the icing on
the cake of shame.

Facing Shame
Now that we’ve established that shame drives
(behaviors and attractions), how do we begin to reduce
its power? Believe it or not, the Discovery Channel’s
Shark Week holds a clue for how we can disarm and,
eventually, overcome our unwanted sexual behavior.

In my book Unwanted: How Sexual Brokenness

Reveals Our way to Healing, I discuss an interview with
Andy Casagrande, the cameraman responsible for the
harrowing and death-defying footage of aggressive and
large great white sharks. Casagrande was asked what
in the world he does when one of these behemoths is
swimming right at him.

His surprising answer was that he has to do something

completely unexpected: swim straight for the shark with
his camera. Swimming toward the shark seems to
trigger an instinctual defensive reaction in the sharks.
According to Casagrande, “The reality is that if you
don’t act like prey, they won’t treat you like prey.”

So what does swimming with terrifying sharks have to

do with our shame? ​Simply this: we need to face it.

The experience of shame is the apex predator of our

lives, and our impulse to evade our “great white”
memories will only set us up for lifetimes of living as
prey to shame’s accusations. Just as a shark swims
away when challenged, the power of shame is
disarmed when we confront it, not flee from it. To be
sure, shame is a merciless beast, but every time we
consciously choose not to behave as its prey, it
becomes less powerful.

Looking at Our Suffering

In Numbers 21, the Israelites are homeless and
wandering about in the wilderness. They have no
choice in their lodging accommodations and depend on
air-dropped rations from above. Naturally, a number of
them begin grumbling and complaining about their
situation. Soon enough they were openly speaking
against Moses and God for having delivered them into
such a mess.

In the next scene, the people of Israel’s situation

becomes more dire as poisonous snakes begin killing
people. In their horror and desperation, the Israelites
recognize that their slanderous speech about God may
have been the very thing that led to the nightmare they
find themselves in. Having heard their pleas for
deliverance, Moses petitions God on behalf of the
people of Israel.

God’s answer to their prayers was both simple and

almost comical: He had the people fashion a bronze
snake, fix it to a pole, and have all of those poisoned by
the venomous serpents look at it. The allegorical
significance is pretty clear: ​the people of Israel must
look at the very thing that is killing them.​ We will be
healed to the extent to which we turn and face the
stories that corner us with shame.

Disarming Shame
The core beliefs we hold about ourselves in our shame
(those toxic beliefs that we’re not worthy of love or
belonging) are not random. They are direct reflections
of the stories we’ve encountered in life.

When I was first intentionally addressing my problems

with pornography, I realized that my core belief was
that my desires were defective and untrustworthy. After
all, my desire was the very thing that led me to obesity
and pornography. I concluded that the solution was
somehow to lessen my desire in order to mitigate future
damage.

But when I went back to the stories of my desire from

childhood, I saw a six-year-old boy who used to get so
excited about a barbecue that he’d have a bowel
movement and bellow out songs about his love for
hamburgers from the toilet. I saw a kid with a beautiful
desire to learn about sex and pleasure against the
backdrop of a family and religious community that was
almost completely silent.

Healing was not about (repressing healthy

God-given) desire but about setting it free. ​At times,
our shame certainly exposes our failures, but it can also
reveal the things that are the most beautiful about us.

One day of deliberately facing your shame with

curiosity and kindness will lead you into greater
transformation than will a decade of willpower and lust
management techniques.​ If self-hatred is the key driver
of unwanted (behaviors or attractions), kindness is its
(chemotherapy). Shame does not need to have the last
word. It can actually be the very experience that invites
you to dramatically reorient your life around kindness.
When you change your unhealthy patterns of
interacting with your shame, your behavior will change.

When we face our heartache and face the shame, we

find the healing we’ve been longing our whole life to
find. Shame is not a barrier, but a bridge to redemption.

For Reflection
1. What is your core shameful belief about
yourself?
2. What stories are connected to this belief?
3. Recall a time where being ashamed of yourself
drove you to (acting out sexually such as)
viewing pornography (sexting, hook ups, sexual
chats, etc.)
4. What sexual behavior or fantasy do you find the
most difficult to extend kindness to?