It’s no news that Nigeria is a religious nation, with an almost

equal split of Christians versus Muslims and the little piece

of the pie left for the traditional worshippers and others to
fight over.
In Nigeria, God decorates the streets as his name is
screamed through loud speakers, slapped on car bumper
stickers — “God fights for me”, pasted boldly on doors —
“Dear God, 2019 is my year of wealth and Heavenly
Blessings”, on bill boards — “The God of fire and
brimstone…”, on pamphlets even in the dark corners of
dingy bathrooms, God’s name reigns supreme and He has
no place to hide in Nigeria. Ideally, this would mean a good
thing, perhaps a high and oblivious moral level which should
be visible in day-to-day dealings, but the opposite plays out
the most in Nigeria.
Nigerians have carefully perfected the act of using God with
no strings attached but also choosing when to pick up the
string to puppeteer him around town. Recently, I took a
break from work and decided to travel a bit (travel is my
favourite and my surest way of relaxing). Traveling through
the North and into the South East brought to light a reality
that the busy-ness of Lagos most likely numbed off.
This is how Nigerians view God, a chronicle of experiences
gathered in the cause of my travel and generally living in
Nigeria.
God as a Business Man
At every corner, along every street, right in the center of
every sandwich, there is a beggar or a random stranger who
is stranded and asking for funds to find his way home; all
promising, all but one thing “God will definitely bless you!”
Infact, of course God will, but do I need to “provoke” God’s
blessing by attending to each of every one of the thousand
beggars flooding the Nigerian streets? I think not. This
strategy is old also; we know that most church leaders in the
past have promised their followers of numerous blessings
when they give and “sow seed” to God. This may or may not
be true, if we are to go by the words of Jesus Christ in
Matthew 5:45 [Paraphrased] “God causes the good sun to
shine expressly on the Good, the bad and to the ugly, with
no retrains…” Practically, you don’t have to provoke God
with your goodness or generosity for him to send down the
sun on you. Am I saying giving is bad? Of course not but all
I’m saying is “I think that reducing God to a business
transaction would be a really poor sell.”
The lowest blow for me was sitting in a bus in Enugu and
being bombarded with an aggressive sermon I didn’t ask for;
of which when the preacher finished, he took off his
metaphorical pastoral cap and took on that of a beggar. He
said with stern confidence “If you would like God to bless
you today, then you have to give him, support his works…” I
logged out, not like I was logged on in the first place, but
hearing those words, I completely went numb to his speech.
In this spirit of God involved with business transactions, it is
believed all across Nigeria that starting your day/month/year
with God guarantees his surplus blessings through the day/
month/year; so every morning/month/year shop owners,
drivers, artisans, business men and women turn to God in
front of their shop doors, in meeting halls or in their rooms to
ask for his blessings irrespective of whether or not they are
willing to obey or follow his instructions through the day.
Especially in the aspects of not cheating customers (as He
commands) or at least be diligent in their jobs and not be
completely inefficient at work (a trait Nigerians wear with
pride). Following this format, Bus drivers begin their
journeys with songs that give God praise, paying their little
tribute to the big guy upstairs; and once they realize that the
trip will soon be completed, they make a quick switch to any
other tone that suits their mood. In my case, D’Banj’s 2015
hit track “I love that booty, I love that booty, I love that booty,
it’s a booty call!” snatched “Onise” off Nathaniel Bassey’s
lips before he could land “Iyanu”; as we slowly drew close to
our destination, the driver had done his part and handed
over to God to do his part while he enjoyed the very heavily
decorated lines — “I love that booty, I love that booty, I love
that booty, it’s a booty call!”

God as a Hit Man

God in Nigeria is really forced to go fight endless battles
with spirits, evil bosses, Uncles in villages, ex-girlfriends,
gay people and everyone who dare stands in the way of
those calling on his name. He is forced to spit fire on
enemies and kill everyone who dares make a move against
progress, be it a legal or illegal progress. No day would go
by across the country without God being sent to punish or
judge mercilessly or destroy fellow Nigerians; “God punish
you there!” “Holy Ghost fire destroy you there!” and etc.
God however has clearly said across many passages in the
Bible and the Koran that He has no interest in killing or
destroying people (leave the devil to his mastery), He is all
about love, it is His nature and it is who He is. His love is
there for everyone: Sex workers, witch doctors, murderers,
and everyone without any expectations. God really just
wants to love and see people flourish, but No! Nigerians
have gone ahead of Him to edit His JD, forcing Him to wear
the hat labeled — Hit man.
It really makes me laugh when I hear non-Buddhist/Hinduist
Nigerians who have no idea of what Karma is, force the
Karma Philosophy on God. First of all Karma is majorly an
Eastern (Indian mostly) ideology which in reality has little to
do with immediate punishment for evil or good doers. For
those who care much, check it up HERE. Sorry folks, your
God doesn’t really work that way, or necessarily believe in
Karma, at least not in the way you believe.
God as an Excuse
In the course of my travel, I decided to visit home and see
my loved ones who I had not seen in months. Entering
Enugu State, the very heart of South Eastern Nigeria, a
region that has been celebrated world over for springing into
life after enduring years of a brutal civil war which saw the
death of millions and destruction of many properties — The
current Governor of the State announces in a huge billboard
“Enugu State is in the Hands of God”. Seeing this on paper
may seem really nice and sweet; but nah, this is an old
tactic Nigerians use to deflect God given opportunities and
responsibilities back to Him. At work, people who have no
intention to deliver on projects will drag God in with lines like
— “By God’s grace, I will deliver, only by God’s grace…”,
making their insufficiencies look like God’s fault of not
supplying enough Grace to carry out the project. Governor
Ugwuanyi’s tactic is old but is works wonders in Nigeria.
Others will go on to say “I am believing God for this
situation”, the situation could be an examination that one did
not study for, a job position that one is clearly not qualified
for, a sickness that might need just a little medicine, all of
these situations are clearly ones which God has given men
the grace to carry out, but No! “God’s grace” must be relied
on. Even Nigerian security authorities have applied this to
many physical and spiritual battles handing their
responsibility back to God, with the Nigerian Army slogan
being “Victory is from God alone” — This is a caveat, if we
ever lose any battle, Dear God, it’s your fault! Just as how
an entire state has been re-dedicated back to God because
an underperforming Governor knows how this development
would excite Nigerians, and it did excite them! He won, they
lost.
God also makes the perfect excuse for everything even
when caught in Crime, we return the responsibility back to
Him — he didn’t send enough grace to ensure the culprit
didn’t rape, or steal… This works perfectly. Terrorists,
murders, rapists and serial killers… in Nigeria most times all
do so in the name of God, for His sake or on His behalf.
Again, God repeats in all religions around here how he has
no business in killing, stealing or destroying lives; but nah,
he must be made a hit man here!
The name of God is also the perfect excuse for refusing any
form of responsibility, take insurance for an example “Who
needs these when you can flood the blood of Jesus on your
car or house or business? All hogwash! Those insurance
guys, all they do is market fear but we are more than
conquerors!”
God as a Joke
Nigerians in their bad behavior have reduced God to a Joke,
a laughing stuck in most jokes and even sometimes a fun
name to scream while cheating in bed with another partner.
But do you blame those laughing? When those who carry
the name of God on their heads like gala in Lagos traffic are
dragging his name to the mud in all sorts of bad behavior.
Who bears the slap of the Joke? God of cause; how can
anybody take such a being seriously, seeing as he sits and
allows Nigerians play him like cheap Ludo. However, I have
news that might shock many Nigerians, God takes jokes (of
course, not at the expense of His authority), but He does
take jokes; He laughs, He is not going to send down fire to
destroy these men, He mostly will love them till they change
or choose not to, He will love them still regardless (ouch!
This must hurt) ‘You mean God won’t destroy these men
and women making a mess of His name?’ Nope!

God as Fake Modesty

Indeed, all glory must be returned to God always. However,
what about when invited to give a speech on how you built
your successful business? Dear speaker, go to the point and
forget stating the very obvious ‘Na God o!’, Can you just go
on with facts, numbers and processes? Sure everyone
knows God’s good hands were involved in your progress,
but can you keep the fake modesty aside and share tips for
those coming behind you? Yes! We know you feel
threatened and scared that sharing these details may mean
these young underdogs will see the light into your secret
and come overtake you. Well, how about you work harder
and stay steps ahead in the name of God, and quit the fake
modesty?
God here will mostly be painted as the Christian God
(probably because the writer is Christian); however
whatever religion you ascribe (or not) to, if the cap fits your
reality, please do wear it boldly and make a fashion
statement with it!