A Decisive Course

There was once a training manager who attended a decision making course. He
had performed extremely well on the course and, in turn, he was very impressed
by the content and training methods.

On his return to the training centre, he called his senior trainer into the office to
tell him how impressive this course had been. He finished by saying, ‘You know,
you really should go on this course.’

‘That's a good idea,’ replied the senior trainer, ‘when am I going?’

‘I don't know — I haven't decided yet!’ came the decisive reply.

It's Obvious...

Writing a mathematical statement on the board, the professor said, 'This, of

course, is obvious.' He looked at it again and added, 'At least I think it's obvious.'
Then he retired from the lecture room with a pencil and paper. Twenty minutes
later he returned beaming and announced, 'Yes, gentlemen and ladies, it is
obvious.'

Just in Time

‘Just in Time’ (JIT) is a manufacturing philosophy where the supplier provides

parts to the production line just as they are required. One of the advantages of this
process is that eliminates buffer stocks and reduces the amount of expensive
storage that is required.

Many manufacturers seem to think that JIT is just a matter of giving the supplier a
schedule of when the parts should be delivered. They also fail to realise that JIT
means using the parts just in time as well as delivering them just in time.
One such manufacturer implemented JIT, but had a problem on the production
line and had no method for switching off the supply of parts. As the number of
delivered parts started to pile up, they had to hire trucks to store the parts. In fact,
JIT came to stand for ‘Jammed in Trucks’!

Know Your Student

I was once running a train-the-trainer course and one of the trainees was having
difficulty in choosing a suitable training project. As he was an engineer I
suggested he teach the resistor colour code. (The resistor colour code is a
numbering system where numbers are represented by coloured rings.)

When I was coaching him on ‘Describe the Students’ I emphasised how important
it is to describe the physical characteristics of the students — including colour
blindness. I then heard laughter and chattering from the rest of the class. When I
asked what was causing the laughter, I was told that the student himself was
colour blind. I had made the incorrect assumption that engineers would not be
colour blind. There’s nothing like being hoisted by your own petard.

The Meaning of Words

The meaning of Chinese words changes with the pitch of the voice. A word
spoken at a low pitch has a completely different meaning to the same word spoken
at a higher pitch. I was aware of this but I was still caught out when I was
teaching a class of Singaporeans.

I asked Tng a question and didn't get the response I had expected. To make
matters worse the whole class burst out laughing. When I asked what the problem
was, they told me that I had been saying ‘Tng’ with a high, instead of a low, pitch
— I had been telling him to go home!

Marketing Opportunity
A shoe factory sends two executives to a remote region of a third-word country to
study the prospects for business expansion.

One sends an email saying: ‘No opportunities for expansion - no one wears
shoes.’

The other emails triumphantly: ‘They have no shoes - tremendous business

opportunity.’

Sincerity

At the end of every course, a trainer used to say that this was the best course he
had ever taught and that he loved them all! Now the amazing thing about this was
that he really believed it — and more amazingly, so did the class!

Stress Manager

A famous manager was being interviewed for a documentary on stress in the the
workplace and it was reported that at one stage he said: ‘I don't actually suffer
from stress myself, but I do believe I am a carrier!’

Training Solution?

Sometime ago I was observing a report writing course. One of the students came
up to me and said that he had been on a ‘Report Writing’ course five times before.
Being somewhat surprised by this I asked whether he really couldn’t write reports.
‘Oh, I can write reports all right,’ he said, ‘I just refuse to write them!’

Stupid Fish Tricks

by Wlad Franco-Valias
Originally published in The Calquarium, Volume 42, Number 3
Aquarticles
Do your fish ever do something that amuses you? If so, how about sharing your
stories with the rest of the membership? Here are a few from my experiences, and
yes, they are true.

In my young teenage days in Brazil I built a pond. My mother bought me some

angelfish (Pterophyllum scalare) for the pond, and one of them was the biggest
angelfish I had ever seen. Being in a tropical country meant bugs were plentiful
and all flies that were swatted inside the house were thrown in the pond for the
fish. We also had a nest of paper wasps behind the house. One day I discovered I
could pick up these wasps as they drank from the pond and crush the thorax
before they could sting my fingers. So when I was bored I would sit by the pond
and wait for the wasps to come for a drink. I would pick them up, crush them,
break them in two to feed to the fish. One day I wasn’t so quick and one wasp
started to sting me. I tossed it into the pond quickly and the large angelfish came
up to eat it. I should also mention that we had two comet goldfish (Carassius
auratus) whose hobby was to take food from the angel. Well, one of them took
the angry wasp just as the angel was about to eat it. The goldfish stopped near the
surface, then splashed violently and raced along the length of the pond rubbing its
mouth on the bottom. It had been stung! The goldfish lived and continued to steal
food from the angel.

Another time a friend of mine came across some fishermen at the river and he
brought me a gift for the pond: four armored catfish (Callichthys callichthys).
They liked the pond but were not happy when I cleaned it once and placed them in
a shallow metal pan we used for carrying wet laundry. They panicked when I
came by with more fish, slid up the smooth edge of the pan and landed on the
floor of the veranda. Then they proceeded to race across the floor and into the
grass of the front yard. My friend and I spent frantic minutes chasing catfish on
dry land.

On my last year of university studies I owned a beautiful blue male Betta. He was
such a hit with my roommates that we named him Max Headroom. He was no
ordinary Betta for besides getting carnations from a secret admirer at Valentine’s
Day he would come out of the water to take freeze dried tubifex worms from my
finger. I would break a piece from a tubifex cube, wet it in the tank water and stick
it on the tip of my finger. That was Max’s cue to come up and get a treat. I would
raise my finger slowly and he would come up to half a body length out of the
water and take the tubifex from my finger. One day I decided to try the same trick
with frozen brine shrimp. Well, the shrimp were not as bulky as the tubifex so
Max bit the corner of my finger. Unwilling to admit his mistake he hung on to me.
I must have been quite a sight trying to shake a Betta off my finger. I recall
feeling many small sharp teeth trying to get a chunk of my finger. Though he
couldn’t cut though the thick skin he did leave a red circular bite mark. That was
the end of our fancy feeding for he decided that it was much easier to eat food that
is not attached to fingers. I don’t blame him.
 One time I learned how fish sitters must feel when looking after someone’s fish. I
agreed to look after a fellow club member’s fish while he was on holidays. After a
familiarization visit when I learned how much of what to feed, it all looked easy.
One tank had young Texas cichlids (Herichthys cyanoguttatum) and some grown
Rift Lake cichlids separated by a partition. I was warned of the inevitable mayhem
that the partition prevented. On a Friday some fish knocked the partition down
and I found the fish displaying their full territorial behavior. Nobody seemed hurt
and everyone was accounted for. What a relief! Saturday morning I found one of
the rift lake cichlids hanging vertically in the water, staring at the ceiling, barely
breathing. Oh no, and I was on my way out for the weekend. What to do?
Euthanize the fish or leave it in the hopes of a recovery? There was no spare tank
and time dictated the latter option, even if it meant a stinky cleanup job later.
Sunday night I returned expecting the worst and I found the fish alive and well,
doing its share of terrorizing a Texas cichlid that managed to squeeze by the
partition. Turned out I had only seen the fish early in the evenings; the fish was
asleep that Saturday morning! The morals of the story: get to know the fish’s
quirks beforehand, have spare tanks ready for emergencies, and don’t trust
cichlids.

A rose by any other name... is just a reddish barb

By F. Wayne Johnson
From Vol. 1, No. 5. Newsletter of The Tri-State Aquarium Society, Huntington, W.V., April 1999
Aquarticles

What's in a name?   More than you'll ever know my friend, is how this line ought to go.
It amazes me how the PR for many fish sell them independently from the reality of that fish's real
temperament, physical characteristics or environmental needs.

My favorite example is the goldfish, all too often relegated to the death trap known as a goldfish
bowl. People assume because the bowl is named after the fish then it will be an appropriate home
for a little goldfish or two. Unfortunately nothing is farther from the truth. These fish have very
specific needs to grow and flourish. According to the American Goldfish Society's introductory
book, each goldfish needs about 20 gallons of well-filtered water to do well. Koi on the other hand
need about 100 gallons each to thrive and breed. Now compare this to the two-gallon bowl with
two or three comets without even basic aeration. It's not surprising the little guys do the "tidy bowl
backstroke" in a day or two. The worst part is this is often the first and only contact the would be
fish keeper has with the hobby, and it results in only disaster and disappointment.

Another variation on the name game is the phenomena of "trade names."

- People buy Chinese Algae Eaters for the purpose of getting rid of excess algae in their tanks. The
reasonable assumption is that any creature with such a name would be perfect for cleaning out the
green invader. The problem is these fish should actually be labeled by their full name: "Chinese
Algae Eaters that eat algae when young but attack every living thing within reach when older."
- One trade name that is a mark of true marketing genius is the Panda Cory. This is in fact a small
Cory catfish with a pale background and three black dots; one on the face one on the dorsal and
one on the tale. With a little imagination I can see a resemblance but it's a stretch. The amazing
part is this is now the best-selling Cory on the market, going for more than three times the price of
more colorful Cory species. I watched a young woman in a pet shop zero in on a tank of them
once. The first thing she saw was the name on the glass and she said, " I love Pandas - I've got to
have one." She seemed to have made her decision to plunk down the $7 per specimen before she
was even sure which one of the fish was being described.
- One final example is the hunchback of the aquarium world called the "Blood Parrot." Of all the
descriptions I have heard or read for this unfortunate creature never has the word blood or parrot
been in the description, except when describing what should be done with such mutants in the
future. This is a blatant overture directed toward a public infatuated with Wrestle Mania, slasher
movies, and psycho Ninja day-care workers in heat.

In closing, I want to leave you with a few words of wisdom: cory cats don't cough up hair balls,
flying foxes don't really fly and no matter what any body tells you can't scare anybody with a green

 
OH, NO, NOT THAT STORY AGAIN!
by Bill Pontin
First published in Wet Pet Gazette, Norwalk Aquarium Society
Aquarticles

We were newlyweds while I was stationed at the Newport Rhode Island Naval Base. In our living
room, at our off-base apartment, I maintained a thirty gallon aquarium.

Coming off duty one day at the base, I found a very large puddle that was just plum full of
mosquito larvae. Darn, it would be a good twenty minute drive to our apartment for a fish net, but
the thought of all this free natural food for my pets got the best of me.

After an hour drive (return trip and traffic), I arrived back with the largest net I owned and a
bucket. Thus armed, I proceeded to gather my quarry. Greed and maybe the ease in catching them
suckers prompted me to catch every last one. Night fall saved a few in the puddle to propagate the
species. On the ride home, something was amiss; the car had some adult mosquitoes bussing
around. I was familiar with the life cycle of a mosquito, eggs to wriggler to pupa to adult, but that
took a week or so. Noooooo problem, my pets would make short work of them.

On arrival home, I dumped the contents of the bucket through a net and thoroughly rinsed the huge
wriggling mass under running water. I turned on the aquarium lights to wake my pets and, several
minutes later, dumped in their feast.

My pets woke slowly, but it wasn't long before the zebras and tetras were darting through the
hoards, devouring as they went. The angelfish devouring, the gourami devouring .... "great," I
thought, enough food in here for possibly a week. Feeling proud of myself, for here was food with
no waste, no spillage, and it didn't cost me a penny.

As fast as the feeding frenzy started, it stopped. My pets could not hold another piece of food.
Getting ready for bed, I shut off the aquarium lights. The thought of them having all the food that
they wanted for the next couple of days was reassuring and I was thinking of where I could find
more when they ran out.

Something again was amiss. Continual buzzing in our bedroom woke the missus and I up. Turning
on the lights, I found a few mosquitoes in the room. Suddenly, the light attracted what seemed like
a swarm from the living room. Proceeding into the living room and turning on the lights, the sight
made my skin crawl. For there on the walls, ceiling, and everywhere were MOSQUITOES. The
heat in the aquarium apparently had accelerated their metabolism and they were hatching out of the
tank at an alarming rate.

That night we slept with the front door and windows wide open. We sealed the floor crack to our
bedroom door with towels.

It's taken years to live this story down. If I ever was to mention aquariums when the missus was
around ...... "Ya, let me tell you about the time we were eaten alive ......"

 
Friday, January 18, 2008, 12:08 AM - Dog
Posted by Administrator
A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his
dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while. "I can hardly believe my
eyes!" he exclaimed. "That's the smartest dog I've ever seen."

"Nah, he's not so smart," the friend replied. "I've beaten him three games out of
five."

add comment ( 129 views )

Bad Parrot 
Tuesday, January 15, 2008, 08:15 PM - Bird
Posted by Administrator
This elderly lady, recently widowed, decides to see if a pet will ease her loneliness
and goes to the pet store. She decides against puppies, kitties, etc., and is about to
leave the store when she hears a voice saying, "My, do you look lovely this
afternoon, madam."

She turns around quickly to see who has spoken, but there is no one. All she sees
is a big green parrot, resting on his perch in his cage. "Did you say that?" she asks.

"Why, yes, I did!" he replies. "And may I add that dress is a very nice color for
you."

The lady suddenly realizes how nice it would be to not only have a talking parrot,
but one that paid such nice compliments. So she pays for him and takes him
home. On the way, she says, "You know, I am so proud of you that I believe I'll
take you out for dinner! Would you like that?"

The parrot says, "Why yes, that would be delightful. I know a charming place on
7th Street."

So they arrive home and the lady progresses upstairs to her room to change for
dinner, bringing the parrot along, of course. When the woman enters the building,
the parrot begins complaining, swearing, and even bit her once.

Well, the woman is flabbergasted! She grabs the parrot by the throat, marches
down the stairs into the basement, and stuffs the parrot in the freezer. She leaves
him there in the freezer for five long minutes before taking him back out. The
parrot is very cold.

She says, "Well? Have you learned your lesson? I will not tolerate such language
in my house!"

The parrot says, "Okay, okay, I promise it won't happen again. I am deeply sorry."

Within five minutes, he is cursing again and bit her once on the arm and once on
the finger.

The lady is absolutely stunned. She rips the parrot out of his cage, goes down the
stairs, into the cellar, and, slam, into the freezer. This time, she leaves him in there
for fifteen minutes.

When she finally takes him out, the parrot is one step away from death. He is
shivering and has light frost on the beak. "I swear it will never ever happen again!
I will never insult you again! I promise!" As he thaws, he looks up at the lady and
says, "I do have one question though. That turkey in there, what'd he do, attack
you?"
Submitted by:
Rebecca Thornton
Law - USA