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Finding Peacefulness

An Inspirational Book Project

Tiffany C. Meskimen

Arizona State University

OGL 482: Pro-Seminar Series II

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Finding Peacefulness

An Inspirational Book Project

It is funny how things happen throughout life and at certain times. Ideas, concepts, and

people ebb and flow throughout life. Some bring joy, laughter, and good advice; some bring

sorrow, tears, and bad feelings. Through this assignment, by studying this book along with my

self-assessments, I learned how I have dealt with adversity in the past and how it has shaped my

joy. Finding peacefulness has had a significant impact on how I persevere through the good and

bad. I look back at my life and find that I have emerged a better wife, mother, sister, daughter,

friend, and leader each time I have peacefulness in my life. It is almost like this assignment was

meant to come at a time in my life where I would need to evaluate and reflect on my own

authenticity, resilience, and self-care.

About a year ago, I visited my cousin Jenney in Texas. Jenney is an emergency room

nurse/entrepreneur/consultant. Just before the pandemic, Jenney had left the emergency room to

find happiness again in her career, she started Next Level Nursing (Floyd, 2019). Jenney’s idea

for Next Level Nursing was to inspire other nurses to find joy again in their professional and

personal lives (Floyd, 2019). Enter the pandemic and Jenney’s new business was put on hold.

She began working in a city away from her home, treating COVID-19 patients for a year and a

half. However, Jenney had a nice break during Thanksgiving last year and my husband and I

spent the weekend with her. She asked how school was going for me, and we shared the

difficulties of working fulltime, being a fulltime mom, and holding down grades, papers, and

deadlines of school. I shared with her my desire to be the best, how I put very large goals upon

myself, and sometimes stress myself out to meet these goals. Jenney asked me a weird question,

she asked if I had set these goals for myself, or because I needed to prove something to my
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family or others. Although I did not have a clear answer then, after finding that I scored highly

on lifestyle integration in my Career Anchors assessment (Kuder, n.d.) and I aim to please

people, the question made more sense. Jenney suggested that I read this great book The Gifts of

Imperfection by Brené Brown. I took note of the book, however, I did not understand how it

would help me at that point in my life, nor did I have time to add one more thing to read, so I

shelved it.

Fast forward to the beginning of my pro-seminar class, where this book assignment came

up, and I was charged with reading and analyzing an inspirational book and relating it to my own

self-assessment findings. I remembered Jenney’s recommendation and thought this might fit in,

and although I thought this book would just be another self-help-assess-your-actions-move-on-

with-it read, maybe I would get some motivation and inspiration. A revelation after reading this

book led me to understand I was in dark point of life when she had originally asked the question.

I was “unintentionally dulling my experiences of good feelings, like joy” (Brown, 2010, p. 72).

Jenney’s attempt at showing me the light and compassion was overshadowed by my own shame.

Brené Brown is an author and research professor specializing in shame research. Brown

wrote this book on wholeheartedness after having her own revelation during what she refers to as

“the 2007 Breakdown Spiritual Awakening” (2010, p. xi). She spent many years studying people

who live and love with their whole heart, and then she put together a book full of guideposts on

how and what that looks like (Brown, 2010). Brown’s initial take on living a wholehearted life

sums up the ten guideposts she has come up with to help in the journey toward it:

“Wholehearted living is about engaging in our lives from a place of worthiness. It

means cultivating the courage, compassion, and connection to wake up in the

morning and think, No matter what gets done and how much is left undone, I am
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enough. It’s going to bed at night thinking, Yes, I am imperfect and vulnerable

and sometimes afraid, but that doesn’t change the truth that I am also brave and

worthy of love and belonging.” (2010, p. 1).

At the end of each guidepost, Brown describes and gives examples of how to DIG (get

Deliberate, get Inspired, get Going) Deep or “push through when we’re exhausted and

overwhelmed, and when there’s too much to do and too little time to do it” (2010, p. 3). This

book is about grasping imperfections and running with them to be truly peaceful. However, this

must be done without shame, without the expectation of perfection, knowing there are others like

you, and loving yourself at your worst, as well as at your best, and trying your darnedest to

emerge joyfully to be living and loving wholeheartedly.

I must note here that my life has been less than peaceful in the last six months. There are

external issues I have no control over, and there are some internal issues I have not dealt with

affecting my life. Not living and loving with a whole heart has affected how I perceive others,

and how my actions toward them are not a true representation of my best self. Not living and

loving with my whole heart has disturbed my peace and prevented me from persevering. Going

into the assignment, I did not think I would gain much inspiration. However, in the short time

since reading it, I have conscientiously put wholeheartedness practices into interaction I have

had, and it feels amazing…it feels peaceful. I have already recommended this book to several

people who I know would benefit from reading it.

Lesson One – Courage, Compassion and Connection

If I have learned, or confirmed one thing throughout my Organizational Leadership

journey, it is that I am a social person. I thrive on an extroverted lifestyle, I crave people, I crave

conversation and connection. Brown talks about courage and how ordinary courage or, being
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able to tell your story at the risk of your own vulnerability, is one of the most important parts of

the journey toward wholeheartedness (2010, p. 12). This has been the constant practice in my

life. I have a long list of stories, and I share them often.

In October each year, I take to social media to share my story of trials and triumph of a

very personal battle with breast cancer. It has not ever been my intention to tell my story for the

purpose of gaining sympathy, but to help others, to inspire others through their trials and

tribulations. The ah-ha moment I had when taking the Skills Confidence assessment (Kuder,

n.d.) came when I found understanding around the confidence I found in my storytelling and

teaching versus any skills I have. I believe this confidence helps me to practice ordinary

courage. By sharing my story and my own vulnerability, I have compassion for and share

compassion with those who may need it. My story is met with thanks from others, but more

importantly, it is met with a connection to those who may be battling with their own personal

vulnerabilities. Since sharing my story on social media, which I began doing more than 12 years

ago, I have seen and helped several people courageously share their own stories, who in turn

have helped others, and so on, and so on. Learning about and recognizing this first guidepost of

courage, compassion, and connection, and how they lay the foundation for wholehearted living,

gives me comfort in knowing that although I have been struggling to find it lately, I just need to

implement these practices in all my life to find peacefulness and perseverance again.

Lesson Two – Wholeheartedness is Easier When the Whole House is Involved

From the time they were babies, I unknowingly taught my kids how to live

wholeheartedly. Well, not to say I was not aware I was teaching them courage, compassion, and

connection, but more like I did not know those things, wrapped up with many other lessons, lit a

path towards wholeheartedness. Many of Brown’s guideposts align with those lessons.
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In their toddler years, kids do not have the capacity to understand or care what others

think of their actions. My husband and I taught our kids not to worry about what other people

thought of their decisions but to embrace their own spirit, and to be comforted and confident in

their own hearts and skin - authenticity (Brown, 2010, p. 50). As they have grown it has become

more difficult, and as adults “the idea that we can choose authenticity makes most of us feel both

hopeful and exhausted” (Brown, 2010, p. 50). My hopefulness comes from the desire to be real,

be kind, and live that way in everything I do. The exhaustion comes from the lessons about

kindness and self-love we taught our kids…it does not matter what others think. However,

secretly, somewhere along the way, I know I have let the opinions of others become a thing.

Cultivating authenticity in my house is exhausting, especially now with older children. I

struggle to find my place as a mom to kids making the change from teenagers to adults. My

decisions are questioned more at home. I have taught my children to be themselves, which comes

with the downside of them no longer sharing the same opinion as I in many, many ways.

Because I have cultivated these open relationships, I find I also need to practice acceptance of

their choices, which is also exhausting. Giving up control of their choices, controlling the shame

I have when they make choices with which I do not agree, and encouraging their continued

growth through a wholehearted life is exhausting. However, when I watch my children be

authentic, I remember how they got that way, and I am reminded they know this behavior

because I taught them, and I do have the capability of living this way. This is where the

hopefulness kicks in.

I find much joy in other values we cultivated in our home, many align with Brown’s

guideposts toward embracing imperfection and living wholeheartedly. Just a few examples: my

kids understand the value of hard and meaningful work, they are resilient when faced with
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adversity, and they are thankful and joyful beings and love to pass along their playful spirit to

others. As a family, we have always valued the art of dancing in the rain, singing (poorly) to

some great music, and laughter is the ultimate medicine in our home. In fact, laughter is my

outlet of choice, in any condition. Mistakes – laugh at them; heartache – laugh while you are or

until you stop crying; CANCER – Laugh in its face! Just laugh and enjoy the life within your

four walls wholeheartedly. Find peacefulness and you will persevere.

Lesson Three - Shame is a Powerful Thing, Take the Power Away

As I mentioned earlier, Brown is a shame researcher. Throughout the book, she talks

about the power of shame. How a shame-storm can prevent one from living a wholehearted life,

make wholehearted decisions, and how to love wholeheartedly. Well, without getting into a

personal story, I can say that I needed this message – and I got it loud and clear!

In each of Brown’s guideposts toward a wholehearted life, there is a counterpart, shame.

Cultivating authenticity, self-compassion, and a resilient spirit may sound quite easy to do, each

cause me to ponder what if being myself is hurtful to others, what if I feel bad about the

decisions I make, or what if I simply look stupid being myself? Embracing these feelings, talking

to a trusted confidant, and sharing experiences is one way to work through shame. This is a

mitigation strategy I am particularly good at. Even in my professional career, if I can talk it

through with someone and get validation of my feelings, I feel better. Of course, the opposite is I

should prepare myself for the possibility of being wrong and reacting from a wholehearted place

as well. That can sometimes be a little more difficult.

Shame also can happen when we are cultivating a place in our hearts of resilience,

gratitude and joy, and intuition. For instance, feeling shameful for making a decision against my

better judgement, brings up feelings of inadequacy. Rather than shaking it off, this sort of shame
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knocks down my confidence and makes me question future decisions. I need to practice self-

compassion and forgiveness in these instances and laugh it off a little more. Doing so is also a

signal to others that we are vulnerable and real, even as leaders. Kicking feelings of shame aside

and embracing decisions that bring me joy can help bring peacefulness and help me persevere.

Connecting Living Wholeheartedly to Aikido

The other guidepost that Brown talks of is calm and stillness. For many, the thought of

these two things can make skin crawl. For me, it is the invitation for a fully peaceful heart. I find

I can have all these other great things happening in my life, but if I do not find reflective calm, I

cannot have the peacefulness I need to persevere. Wholehearted living and loving reminds me of

the practice of centering and spitting out the hook in Aikido.

In OGL-340 The Aikido Way, I learned about centering and how important it is to bring

any problems, issues, negative thoughts to the body’s center. I also learned about the practice of

spitting out the hook – not letting other people’s problems become your problems by redirecting.

Bringing energy to the center of body balances or reduces distractions and increases focus and

purpose. Much like Brown’s description of stillness where:

“stillness is not about focusing on nothingness; it’s about creating a clearing. It’s

opening up an emotionally clutter-free space and allowing ourselves to feel and

think and dream and question.” (2010, p. 108).

When I am centered, I find more focus and stillness. I find I have more clarity about what

I am doing and what decisions I am making or need to make. Less agitation, less stress,

and less anxiety equal peacefulness and perseverance.

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Questions for the Author

I have noticed in my formative years I have become a little more wholehearted in most of

my daily practices. With this has come the need to set boundaries and consequences with some

people in my life. While I consider myself a compassionate person, I often struggle with the

intertwined ball of mess called forgiveness. Much like Brown, I was much sweeter in my

younger years, however, unlike her I feel more anger and judgement when there is no

accountability. I need help there. Brown writes that “it’s difficult to accept people when they are

hurting us or taking advantage of us or walking all over us” (Brown, 2010, p. 17). What should

cultivating forgiveness look like when anger takes over because the expectations for others to

take responsibility and accountability for their actions are not met? I am sure I will read this

book again and again to find the answer and find the peacefulness to persevere.

Conclusion

As I near the end of my Organizational Leadership educational journey, I am prepared to

move forward knowing not only what my skills are, but the confidence I have in my abilities.

Knowing these things helps me identify careers, environments, positions, tasks, and people I will

best fit with to excel, be my best self, and feel comfortable and confident. I also now have the

mindset to move forward embracing who I am, flaws and all, without being apologetic for it.

This does not mean I am not accountable for the change or growth necessary to be better, but it

means that I have ideas and clear paths of how to best move forward. In fact, I have known these

things all along. I just need to put them back into play.

The realization I have the knowledge, values, and capacity to live a wholehearted life,

and I have done so on and off throughout my life came when I equated Brown’s guideposts

(2010) to how I raised my children. Had I been more aware that I was subconsciously teaching
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them this concept and what it meant, I may have saved myself some heartache along the way.

But that is okay, we all must live through life’s hills and valleys to learn powerful lessons and

grow.

I am grateful for this assignment and the clarity it has provided. This assignment and this

book came at a time in my life when I needed to find peacefulness and joy to persevere once

again. I know that I will refer to it time and again throughout my life to emerge a better person.
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References

Brown, B. (2010). The gifts of imperfection: Let go of who you think you're supposed to be and

embrace who you are. Hazelden Publishing.

Floyd, J. (2019, December 13). Meet Jenney Floyd: Next level nursing conference in Dallas.

Next Level Nursing. Retrieved November 2, 2021, from https://nlnursing.com/my-story/.

Kuder. (n.d.). Career Assessment, Pathways Planning System Login: Kuder journey. Kuder

Journey®. Retrieved October 24, 2021, from https://journey.kuder.com/home/dashboard.