Developmental Grief Responses

While everyone grieves differently, there are some behaviors and emotions commonly
expressed by children depending on their developmental level. No matter how old a child is,
it can be helpful to read through each of the age ranges, as there are times when a six year
old asks a complex, big picture question and those when a teenager is struggling to find a
physical outlet for their grief. We hope this information will help with understanding how grief
affects children and teens across the developmental span.

Ages 2-4 years old

Developmental stage

Children this age don’t fully understand that death is permanent and universal. They are most
likely to express themselves through their behavior and play.

Concept of death

Young children see death as reversible and are starting to wonder if death happens to
everyone. You might hear questions like: “My mom died? When will she be home?” and “Will
you die too? What about me?”

Common responses to grief

 General anxiety
 Crying
 Irregular sleep
 Clinginess/need to be held
 Irritability
 Temper tantrums
 Telling the story to anyone, including strangers
 Repetitive questions
 Behavior regression – may need help with tasks they’ve already learned

Ways to help

 Create a consistent routine to re-establish safety and predictability, especially around

starting and ending the day.
 Provide short, honest explanation of the death. “Mommy died. Her body stopped
working.” Use the words dead and died. Avoid euphemisms such as gone, passed on,
lost.
 Answer questions honestly.
 Set limits but be flexible when needed.
 Provide opportunities for play.
 Give choices whenever possible. “Do you want hot or cold cereal?”
 Offer lots of physical and emotional nurturing.
Ages 5-8 years old

Developmental stage

Children this age are exploring their independence and trying tasks on their own. They are
very concrete thinkers, with a tendency towards magical/fantasy thoughts.

Concept of death

In this age range, children often still see death as reversible. They can also feel responsible
and worry that their wishes or thoughts caused the person to die. They may say things like:
“It’s my fault. I was mad and wished she’d die.”

Common responses to grief

 Disrupted sleep, changes in eating habits

 Repetitive questions – How? Why? Who else?
 Concerns about safety and abandonment
 Short periods of strong reaction, mixed with acting as though nothing happened
 Nightmares
 Regressive behaviors – may need help with tasks they’ve already learned (can’t tie
shoes, bedwetting)
 Behavior changes: high/low energy, kicking/hitting
 Physical complaints: stomachaches, headaches, body pain

Ways to help

 Explain the death honestly using concrete language. “Daddy’s heart stopped
working.” Use the words dead and died. Avoid euphemisms such as "gone", "passed
on", "lost".
 Be prepared for repetitive questions.
 Provide opportunities for big energy and creative play.
 Allow children to talk about the experience and ask questions.
 Offer lots of physical and emotional nurturing.
 Give choices whenever possible. “Your room needs to be cleaned. Would you like to
do it tonight or tomorrow morning?”

Ages 8-12 years old

Developmental stage

Elementary school age children may still be concrete thinkers, but are beginning to
understand abstract ideas like death and grief. They often start making closer connections
with friends and activities outside their home and family.

Concept of death

Children this age begin to understand that death is permanent and start thinking about how
the loss will affect them over the long-term. Some children will focus on the details of what
happened to the body of the person who died. Feelings of guilt and regret can lead to
concern that their thoughts and actions made the death happen. They may say or think
things like: “If I had done my homework, my teacher wouldn’t have died.” or “I think it was my
fault because I was mean to my brother.”

Common responses to grief

 Express big energy through behavior sometimes seen as acting out

 Anxiety and concern for safety of self and others - “ The world is no longer safe”
 Worries about something bad happening again
 Difficulty concentrating and focusing
 Nightmares and intrusive thoughts
 Physical complaints: headaches, stomach aches, body pain
 Using play and talk to recreate the event
 Detailed questions about death and dying
 Wide range of emotions: rage, revenge, guilt, sadness, relief, and worry
 Hyper vigilance/increased sensitivity to noise, light, movement, and change
 Withdrawal from social situations

Ways to help

 Inform yourself about what happened. Answer questions clearly and accurately. Even
though children this age are starting to grasp abstract thought, it’s still helpful to use
the words dead and died and avoid euphemisms such as gone, passed on, lost,
expired.
 Provide a variety of activities for expression: talk, art, physical activity, play, writing.
 Help children identify people and activities that help them feel safe and supported.
 Maintain routines and limits, but be flexible when needed.
 Give children choices whenever possible, “Would you rather set the table or put away
the dishes after we eat?”
 Work to re-establish safety and predictability in daily life.
 Model expressing emotions and taking care of yourself.
 Be a good listener. Avoid giving advice (unless they ask for it), analyzing, or
dismissing their experiences.
 Talk with teachers about providing extra support and flexibility with assignments.
 Seek professional help for any concerns around self-harm or suicidal thoughts.

Ages 13-18 years old

Developmental stage

Teens are cognitively able to understand and process abstract concepts about life and death.
They begin to see themselves as unique individuals, separate from their role in the family
and may wrestle with identity and who they want to be in the world. There can be significant
changes in their priorities, spirituality/faith, sexuality, and physical appearance. Teens often
rely on peers and others outside the family for support.

Concept of death
While teens understand death is permanent, they may have unspoken magical thoughts of
the person being on a long trip, etc. ey may also delve into questions about the meaning of
life, death, and other traumatic events.

Common responses to grief

 Withdrawal from family or other support networks/focused on connections with peers

increased risk taking: drugs/alcohol, unsafe behaviors, reckless driving
 Inability to concentrate (school difficulties)/pushing themselves to succeed and be
perfect
 Difficulty sleeping, exhaustion
 Lack of appetite/eating too much
 Unpredictable and at times intense emotional reactions: anger, sadness, guilt, relief,
anxiety
 Uncomfortable discussing the death or their experiences with parents and caregivers
 Worry about safety of self and others
 Fear about death or violence happening again
 Confusion over role identity in the family
 Attempts to take on caregiving/parent role with younger siblings and other adults
 May have thoughts of suicide and self-harm
 Hyper vigilance/increased sensitivity to noise, movement, light

Ways to help

 Reinforce assurances of safety and security, even if teens don’t express concerns.
 Maintain routines and set clear expectations, but be flexible when needed.
 Allow for expression of feelings without trying to change, x, or take them away.
 Answer questions honestly.
 Provide choices whenever possible. “I’d like to do something to honor your dad’s
birthday, would you like to be part of that? What ideas do you have?”
 Adjust expectations for concentration and task completion when necessary.
 Assist teens to connect with support systems, including other adults (family, family
friends, teachers, coaches).
 Model appropriate expressions of grief and ways to take care of yourself.
 Ask open ended questions (“What is it like for you?”) and listen without judging,
interpreting, advising, or placating.
 Have patience with teens’ wide range of reactions and questions.
 Seek professional help for any concerns around self-harm or suicidal thoughts.
 Seven Suggestions for Explaining Death to Children
1. Explain the immediate cause of death simply and honestly: Avoid euphemisms
or giving a philosophical or religious interpretation. “Your father died of a disease
called cancer.” rather than “God took your father because he was a good man.”
or “Your Dad is visiting Heaven.” or “Your dad died because he was very sick."

2. Offer reassurance about their fears: Children who experience the death of a
loved one often fear for themselves or the lives of other family members. Talk openly
and honestly with children explain that “most people live ‘till they are very old.”

3. Offer reassurance that they are not to blame for the death: Many times children
believe that they “caused” the death because of misbehaving or arguing or wishing
harm. Clearly explain that this does not cause someone to die.

4. Use correct terminology when explaining what happens to the body when
someone dies: Clearly state that the person’s body has stopped working, that
the person has died, and that they won’t be coming back. Explain the process
for burial/cremation and make it clear that the person cannot feel any pain.

5. Develop a plan with children: Decide and explain to them who will care for and
love them should something happen to you. “Mommy doesn't plan on anything
happening to her but if something does, Aunt Jenny will be there to take care of you.”

6. Include children in family mourning rituals: Explain what they can expect
to happen during the ritual and ask them if there is anything special that they
would like to say or do. Have a caring adult there to support them and answer
any questions they might have.

7. Accept children’s feelings about the death: Children often have a wide range of
emotions after a death. Children grieve differently than adults. Developmentally they
can only handle small amounts of pain/grief at a time; therefore, they may be openly
sad one moment and happily playing the next. This is normal behavior especially for
younger children.
 Children Can Have Difficulty Expressing Their Grief
Children may be unwilling to express their grief due to beliefs rooted in misinformation, fear, or
confusion.

 In the death of a parent, children may believe that talking about the death of the mother or father
with the surviving parent may upset them.
 Children may believe that they need to stifle tears and “be strong,” or that they need to be the
“man/woman of the house” after their parent or loved one has died.
 Children may feel that talking about their feelings with the significant adults in their life would
only add additional stress upon those adults.
Children may also be reluctant to talk about how they feel because of guilt or anger they are
carrying with them.

 Children may feel angry at the deceased parent or loved one for abandoning them.
 Children may feel guilty for being angry at their parent or loved one prior to their death.
 Children may feel guilty that they didn’t spend enough time with the parent or loved one while
they were still alive.
 Children may carry guilt because things were left unsaid between them and the deceased.

Arts and Crafts Help Children Express Their Grief

For some children, engaging in creative arts such as drawing, clay modeling, and painting can
have a tremendously positive impact. By using arts and crafts as an emotional outlet, grieving
children can begin to express their grief and open up about their thoughts and emotions with
others.

There are five ways in which arts and crafts help promote the healing process.

1. Arts and crafts allow children to communicate without using words.

Children may not have the cognitive ability or vocabulary to express their grief clearly. In using
art as means of communication, you allow grieving children to communicate in a way that
doesn’t require words and allows them to freely express what’s in their heart and mind.
2. Arts and crafts provide safety for grieving children to communicate.
Children may fear what others, particularly their peers, think of them, their thoughts, and their
feelings. Children commonly feel greater safety from judgment when expressing themselves in
an artistic manner rather than verbally.
3. Arts and crafts help children feel in control.
After the loss of a parent or a loved one, children can feel helpless. They can feel as if they
have no control over what happens in their life. In giving them the power to paint, draw, or
model whatever they wish, they can begin to regain a sense of control.
4. Arts and crafts allow grieving children to release their emotions.
A lump of clay, a blank canvas, or a fresh sheet of drawing paper provides children an open,
creative landscape. Arts and crafts allow grieving children to release their emotions and funnel
them into the artwork that they create.
5. Arts and crafts help children express their thoughts on abstract ideas.
Children’s thoughts concerning abstract subjects, such as the afterlife or the distant future, may

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be difficult for them to explain verbally. Children can begin to concretely express their thoughts
about abstract ideas, and how these thoughts apply to their grief, as they create their artwork.

Activities for Children

 Decorate a shoe box or any type of box and use this as a memory box. Decorate with
stickers, quotes, names, colors, etc.. This can be used to keep special items such as
letters, photos, and cards.

 If there was a service, press flowers from the funeral in a book. You can keep the
flowers in a memory box or you can make something special out of them.

 Make a special card to say what you wish you could say to the person who died.

 Write a letter to someone and tell him/her about the person who died and the things you
miss most.

 Draw a picture of the person who died or of your family now that a special member of the
family is no longer here.

 Make a memory book or scrapbook of pictures and other things that remind you of
special things about the person who died.

 Write a letter or draw a picture for the person who died.

 Draw out or color your feelings, using different colors to represent each feeling

 Do little things in your loved ones honor as a family (go to their favorite restaurant; watch
their favorite movie, eat their favorite food, etc.)

 Make a holiday ornament in memory of the person who died

 Make a list of all of the special memories you have and always want to remember – put
this list in a special place (such as the memory box!)

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 Children’s Grief Reading List (10 & Under)
1. Lifetimes: The Beautiful Way to Explain
Death to Children (kids 5+)
2.The Invisible String (kids 3+)
3. Everett Anderson’s Goodbye (Reading
Rainbow) (kids 5-8)
4. The Tenth Good Thing About Barney
(kids 6-9)
5. I’ll Always Love You (kids 3-7)
6. When Dinosaurs Die: A Guide to
Understanding Death (Dino Life Guides for
Families) (kids 4-8)
7. I Miss You: A First Look at Death (First
Look at Books) (kids 4+)
8. The Saddest Time (kids 6-9)
9. Tear Soup: A Recipe for Healing After
Loss (kids 8+)
10. The Fall of Freddie the Leaf: A Story of
Life for All Ages (kids 4+)
11. Gentle Willow: A Story for Children
About Dying (kids 4+)
12. Where Are You? A Child’s Book About
Loss (kids 4-8)
13. Samantha Jane’s Missing Smile: A
Story About Coping With the Loss of a
Parent (kids 5+)
14. The Scar (kids5-9)
15. A Terrible Thing Happened (kids 4+)
16. The Elephant in the Room: A Childrens
Book for Grief and Loss (kids 4+)
17. The Boy Who Didn’t Want to Be Sad
(kids 4+)
18. I Wish I Could Hold Your Hand…: A
Child’s Guide to Grief and Loss (Little Imp
Books) (kids 9+)
19. Water Bugs and Dragonflies: Explaining
Death to Young Children (kids 4+)
20. When Your Grandparent Dies: A Child’s
Guide to Good Grief (Elf-Help Books for
Kids) (kids 5+)
21. Someone I Love Died (kids 4-8)
22. What Happened When Grandma Died?
(kids 4+)
23. Always and Forever (kids 4+)
24. Badger’s Parting Gifts (kids 4-8)
25. Ghost Wings (kids 5+)
26. Finding Grandpa Everywhere: A Young
Child Discovers Memories of a Grandparent
(kids 7+)
27. The Grandpa Tree (kids 3+)
28. Sad Isn’t Bad: A Good-Grief Guidebook
for Kids Dealing with Loss (Elf-Help Books
for Kids) (kids 6+)
29. Nana Upstairs and Nana Downstairs
(Picture Puffins) (kids 4-8)
30. Daddy, Up and Down: Sisters Grieve
the Loss of Their Daddy (kids 4-8)
31. Saying Goodbye to Daddy (kids 4+)
32. The Angel with the Golden Glow: A
Family’s Journey Through Loss and Healing
(kids 4+)
33. Where’s Jess: For Children Who Have a
Brother or Sister Die (kids 3-6)
34. A Taste of Blackberries (kids 8-12)
35. Bridge to Terabithia (kids 8-12)
36. My Grandson Lew (kids 4-6)
37. Aarvy Aardvark Finds Hope: A Read
Aloud Story for People of All Ages About
Loving and Losing, Friendship and Hope
(as the title says, people of all ages!)
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38. The Empty Place: A Child’s Guide 62. My Baby Big Sister: A Book for Children
Through Grief (Let’s Talk) (kids 5-10) Born Subsequent to a Pregnancy Loss (kids
4-8)
39. Dancing on the Moon (kids 3+)
63. Ladder to the Moon (kids 4-8)
40. Lost and Found: Remembering a Sister 64. Missing Mommy: A Book About
(kids 6+) Bereavement (kids 3-8).
41. Stacy Had a Little Sister (A Concept
Book) (kids 4+)
42. Ragtail Remembers: A Story That Helps
Children Understand Feelings of Grief (kids
4+)
43. Goodbye Mousie (kids 4-8)
44. Remembering Crystal (kids 3+)
45. Rudi’s Pond (kids 5-8)
46. The Memory String (kids 4-8)
47. Sammy in the Sky (kids 4-8)
48. Where Do People Go When They Die?
(kids 3-8)
49. Chester Raccoon and the Acorn Full of
Memories (kids 3-8)
50. Her Mother’s Face (kids 4-8)
51. Remembering Mama (kids 4+)

52. Old Pig (Picture Puffin) (kids 3-8)

53. Pearl’s Marigolds for Grandpa (kids 3-7)
54. Saying Goodbye to Lulu (kids 3-6)
55. The Mountains of Tibet (kids 7+)
56. Rabbityness (kids 3-7)
57. I Wish I Could Hold Your Hand…: A
Child’s Guide to Grief and Loss (Little Imp
Books) (kids 9+)
58. Can You Hear Me Smiling?: A Child
Grieves a Sister (kids 8+)
59. The Copper Tree (kids 5-8)
60. Everybody Feels Sad (kids 4+)
61. Grief is Like a Snowflake (kids 4+)

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