The post office

Scene: A post office in Britain

Characters: A post office clerk
A customer
Narrator

The clerk is behind the counter. Some distance from the counter, there is a sign which says “Wait
here”. The customer enters and wait by the sign.
Clerk: Good morning.
The customer does not react.
Clerk: Good morning.
The customer still does not react.
Clerk: Can I help you?
Customer: Pardon?
Clerk: Can I help you?
Customer: I can’t hear you.
Clerk: Can I help you?!
Customer: I can’t hear you. You are too __________ ________ (1).
Clerk: Well, come over here!
Customer: Come over there?!
Clerk: Yes!
Customer: No, I can’t. I’ve got to wait here.
Clerk: No, you haven’t.
Customer: Yes, I have. The sign says “Wait here.”
Clerk: Yes, but you’re the only ___________ (2). So you can come over here!
Customer: Oh, right.
The customer goes to the counter.
Clerk: Now, can I help you?
Customer: Can I send a ___________ (3) to Australia?
Clerk: Yes, you can.
Customer: Good. I want to send this to my daughter.

The customer produces a larger parcel from her bag. The parcel is shaped like a fish.
Clerk: What’s this? (Reading label on the parcel) “Content: One ___________ (4).” A coffee-pot?
Customer: Yes.
Clerk: It doesn’t look like a coffee-pot.
Customer: Doesn’t it?
Clerk: No.
The clerk bangs the parcel on the counter.
Customer: Be careful!
Clerk: And it doesn’t ___________ (5) like a coffee-pot. And ... (Sniffing the parcel)... it doesn’t sound
like a coffee-pot. It smells like a fish.
Customer: All right, all right, it’s a fish.
Clerk: Well, I’m sorry. You can’t send a fish by post.
Customer: Why not?
Clerk: Look. It’s in the ___________ (6). ‘No food by post.’
Customer: (Reading from the book) ‘No food by post.’ Food?! This isn’t food. This is Napoleon!
Clerk: Napoleon?
Customer: Yes, Napoleon. He’s my daughter’s fish. And my daughter lives in Australia. That’s why I
want to send him to Australia.
Clerk: Well, you can’t send him _____ ________ (7).
Customer: Please!
Clerk: No.
Customer: Please!
Clerk: Oh, all right. But there’s no name on the parcel.
Customer: Oh, sorry. (She starts writing) “Nap-o-le”.
Clerk: Not the name of the fish. Your daughter’s name. What is your daughter’s name?
Customer: Josephine.
Clerk: Josephine. And what’s her ___________ (8) name?
Customer: Elisabeth.
Clerk: No – when I said ‘her second name’, I meant her family name. What’s her family name?
Customer: It’s the same as ___________ (9).
Clerk: Yes. But what is it?
Customer: Wellington.
Clerk: Wellington.
Customer: Yes.
Clerk: So, your daughter’s name is Josephine Elisabeth Wellington.
Customer: Yes.
Clerk: Address?
Customer: Pardon?
Clerk: Address. Where does she _______ ____ (10)Australia?
Customer: Er….
Clerk: Sydney?
Customer: No.
Clerk: Melbourne?
Customer: No?
Clerk: Adelaide?
Customer: Adelaide!
Clerk: Adelaide.
Customer: No. Ah, I remember – Vienna!
Clerk: Vienna?
Customer: Vienna.
Clerk: Vienna’s in Austria.
Customer: That’s what I said.
Clerk: No, you didn’t. You said “Australia”.
Customer: Did I?
Clerk: So this is going to Josephine Wellington in Vienna, Austria.
Customer: Yes. _______ _______ (11)is it?
Clerk: That depends on the ___________ (12).
Customer: Pardon?
Clerk: Weight.
Customer: Oh. Ok.
The customer starts walking back to the “Wait here” sign.
Clerk: No! I didn’t say (indicating the sign) “wait”. I said (Indicating the scale on the counter)
“weight”.
The clerk weighs the parcel.
Clerk: Two and a half kilos. That’s £ 17.50.
Customer: £17.50?! That’s very ___________ (13).
Clerk: Well, he’s going by air.
Customer: By air? Napoleon can’t go ___________ (14)!
Clerk: Why not?
Customer: He’s a fish, not a bird.
Clerk: No, he’s going on ___ ________ (15).
Customer: On an aeroplane?!
Clerk: Yes.
Customer: How extraordinary! I’m going on an aeroplane today.
Clerk: Really?
Customer: Yes. I’m going to visit my daughter.
Clerk: Your daughter Josephine?
Customer: Yes.
Clerk: In Vienna?
Customer: Yes.
Clerk: Well, why don’t you ___________ (16) Napoleon with you?
Customer: Take Napoleon with me?
Clerk: Yes, on an aeroplane.
Customer: Take Napoleon with me on an aeroplane?
Clerk: Yes! To Vienna!
Customer: Of course! Take Napoleon with me on an aeroplane to Vienna.
Clerk: Yes!
Customer: And then when I get to Vienna….
Clerk: Yes!
Customer: ... I can ___________ (17) him from there!
Clerk: Oh….

The customer picks up the parcel and leaves.