Remorse

By: Jade

People are always telling me I should put the way I feel in writing so I guess that's what
I'm doing right now. just a moment ago I got into a fight with my sister. And it wasn't one
of those Petty fights that nobody cares about it was a serious fight. So serious to the
point where I got physical.

It's honestly stupid how people can get ticked off by the smallest stuff but who am I want
to talk about I just got into a fight with my little sister because I wanted the light on. To
understand my point of view you need to understand me but that's hard because I don't
even understand myself.

Well where should I start trying to explain myself on the way I am. Well to explain what
type of person I am kind of hard but basically I like all different types of peopleI know it's
kind of hard to understand but I am not like the same person at all times the way I am
changes within the day the moment. some people might say I'm bipolar but that's not
really the case here. I'm not bipolar because my mood doesn't change. I'm always in the
same mood. It's just my personality is different.

I don't do it intentionally. Depending on the circumstances I'm a lot of different ways.

Sometimes I'm happy and cheery sometimes I'm childish sometimes I'm playing out
angry sometimes I'm antisocial. it's not like I want to be this way. I mean it's not easy for
me not even understanding my own self. and I now have a deep concept about stuff
and I try to seem like I'm not mature or I tried something different than what I am but I
don't know exactly what I am so in order for me to really say that I don't really
understand what I'm saying it doesn't really make sense.

Let's get back to the fight though I guess you kind of got an understanding about me. so
I was inside my room, me and my little sister shared a room. and meet at the light on to
put up some stuff my little sister couldn't care less what I needed to do I guess she
wasn't in the best mood and she wanted me to turn on the light but I needed it on and
it's not the first time we fought over this but it's usually her getting mad cuz she wants
the light on. And every time I was on the way she was this time I always let her keep the
light on cuz I was understanding but she wasn't as understanding as I would be in the
situation. you could probably say it's unfair but I'm unfair most of the time I'm not the
nicest person I'm Mad sometimes I guess. I don't feel mad but that's what people betray
me as.

And so she hit me and I said hit me again and she did. So then I hit her and then we
started fighting. She has a really stupid tactic where she likes to kick me a lot which
really is stupid cuz I can easily get past it but it is frustrating in the moment. I guess She
had enough because she had stopped the fight. to be honest she is a sore loser she
went all the way back inside the room and told Mom and mom was obviously on her
side cuz she's younger and Mom doesn't really like me.

I don't really mind that Mom doesn't like me. It's honestly fine. I could care less about
her opinion towards me. to get a bit more insight about me and my mom's relationship
I'll tell you what happened but I was younger I was abandoned by my parents not only
that me and my 4 other siblings were.

See I would have been fine with her she stayed out of my life but then she came back
into it. she never even apologized about what she did. I mean it wasn't easy but having
a mom every time Mother's Day or Father's Day came around at least my dad stayed
away. I don't like my dad that much either but at least if he's not here I can't really have
a bad impression about him I can say he wasn't the best father cuz he wasn't around
but I can't say he wasn't terrible because I never had experience.

you probably say it's rude of me once I tell you how she came back inside my life but
she almost died and then she came. I was happy at first but then she turned my life into
a complete nightmare. everything about my mom was annoying. To be honest she was
like a big child. She was immature and childish. She always started stuff and always
argued with my grandma. Which was Raising me so she shouldn't have a problem with
it. She did her job for her. not only that but she thought she had the right to put her
hands on me and she thought she had my respect. How can I respect somebody who
walked out on the family so easily, didn't even call or try to see how I was doing or how
my siblings were.
but that's just how I am. hover time of goods except that she was inside my family and I
left it alone. I,ve only been with her for like a few months so I guess I can't really hate
her for long. I still live with my grandma though. my mom just lives with us. there are a
few perks to her being around but they're not that amazing. to be true if I don't hate my
mom I love her to death it's just I don't know how to forgive her I don't know how I can
forgive. I'm trying but it's hard. How can I just forget the few last year that I spent without
my parents' hugs? Not even if you last it's been awhile I mean I was so sad that my
wasn't going to get to see my mom on my 13th birthday and then when I did I wasn't
even that happy.

back to the fight she hit me then I hit her and then. We started fighting. She kind of laid
down on the bed and kept kicking me and I really moved her feet up and punched her
then I kept hitting her and then I went all out on her. I didn't go back. I was just so angry.
she started pulling my hair. I didn't lose any but Paulette suffered way more than me cuz
she was bleeding after the fight.

I didn't even know but turns out I scratched her. he said then I was inside the room she
left out and I picked up my stuff and put it up and then I listen to a song called hero to it
was from anime that I really liked and it made me feel a lot better but then my little sister
went at the moment I came in here and said mom wanted me. then my mom kept
screaming my name and it really got on my nerves and I said ‘’I”M COMING!’’ you can
imagine her reaction already.

but I didn't care. all I cared about was how I felt. but that's not the first time I've never felt
anything I was at my Grandpa's funeral and it was actually not too long ago. I saw him
sitting right there and I knew he was dead but I didn't care. I can feel any sadness or a
bit of anything. I just sat there everybody else was crying and I was just sitting there. It
was honestly weird.

I was just sitting there not caring, wanting it to end. I was so hungry. that's all I could
think about. I almost cried. I could feel the tears feeling up in my tear ducts but they
didn't come out because I stopped when my cousin went to go to the bathroom. Then
after the funeral I almost cried looking at my great grandpa's picture but I didn't because
I remembered how much happiness I had with my great grandpa but it was sad that I
couldn't even cry for my grandpa but I could cry for my great grandpa just that easy.
I know I'm kind of cold-hearted then I understand why I'm well I don't really but I am and
I can't help the way I am I tried to change but all that hard work I spend on myself off of
it fades away and under a few weeks or a few months I try so hard and I feel like I'm a
new person but I'm not I'm the same person I was in the beginning then I try even
harder to work on myself but it doesn't help. I'm getting pretty sidetracked.

well I guess that's the end of this story I hope you enjoyed reading my book probably
wasn't that interesting I don't even know if this is a book maybe it's a party / whatever it
is cuz I hope you enjoyed reading my problem he probably wondering why the title's
name is remorse I should explain it now before anybody else asked me that's remorse
because I didn't feel that at all for anything during the fight or after the fight during my
Grandpa's funeral after my Grandpa's funeral during the time my mom was absent and
the time she came back I felt nothing. Some people say I'm heartless but it's not that I
feel emotions just as easy as every other person feels if anything I'm really emotional.
but at those moments I didn't care.