Caroline Twitchell

9/23/21

My Last Cigarette

I almost missed the phone call. It was a long day at work and I was ready to relax. Pot

stickers sizzled on the stove and I became distracted by the savory smell of soy sauce and almost

forgot about the virtual lesson I was going to have tonight.

“Hello girls!” I exclaimed as I propped my phone up on the kitchen counter. I stirred the

pot stickers as the two female missionaries settled into their chairs and returned my greeting.

“James! It’s so good to see you! How was work?”

“Same old same old. Sorry, I was getting dinner ready but I think I'll just eat after.” I

switched off the stove and migrated to the living room.

“Don’t worry. It’s okay! Go eat something.” Sister Jarman encouraged. It looked like they

were trying to organize themselves too. The two women seemed to have sets of scriptures,

notebooks, and phone chargers being maneuvered just out of sight of the camera.

“Have I ever introduced you to Snowflake?” I inquired to fill the silence.

“Who’s that?”

“Well, I had a friend a while ago say they wanted a pet snake, so I bought them one, but

they couldn’t take care of it. She stays with me now until they can take her back.” I pulled my

pet out to let the girls admire the reptile, who was white and sprinkled with cinnamon flakes.

“It’s nice to have other living things here. I want to adopt a dog soon.”

“Aw! How are your daughters doing? Have you talked to them recently? I know you were

talking about reconnecting with them a while ago.” Sister Bishop asked.
 I hesitated. My phone history will prove I haven’t talked to them in years. Since my

divorce their mother has discouraged them from talking to me. She’s turned them against me. It

wasn’t a good divorce. Not that I think any divorce is good, but this one was especially ugly. “I

haven’t yet.” I reluctantly admitted.

“Take your time. It’ll be good for them to hear from you, but only when you’re all ready.”

I miss my ex wife terribly though I hate remembering anything about that time of my life.

Feelings of betrayal and despair in a broken harmony with the stubborn love that has remained is

too much to take most days. I had never known true loneliness until then.

“How is Jenny doing? We haven’t seen her for a while.” Sister Jarman casually asked.

Sisters Jarman and Bishop knew Jenny well. She’s a good friend of mine who introduced me to

her church and the sister missionaries, not the ones I'm on the phone with now. Missionaries get

moved around frequently. Jenny introduced me to other sisters, but I’m glad Sisters Bishop and

Jarman are here teaching me now. They care about me, just like Jenny.

“She’s great! Little Molly is taking up all her time, but we still see each other.” I said, not

trying to hide my smile.

“Oh, that’s so good!” Sister Bishop beamed.

“James let's dive on into what we’ve prepared today, alright?” Sister Jarman was really

good at getting to the point quickly. She doesn’t seem to believe in any form of wasting time.

“We’re so excited to share with you today!” Sister Bishop interjected. She seemed to be

the one that brought the energy to these calls. “First, Sister Jarman, will you pray for us? If we

don’t do it now I’ll probably forget again.”

“Sure.”
 A reverent silence rested over the three of us as we folded our arms and bowed our heads.

I stared at my shoes, pondering about how odd it was that we felt so connected through a video

call. I met these girls once or twice in person and every other interaction was virtual, yet I felt

they had become some of my best friends.

“Our Father in Heaven,” Sister Jarman began, “We’re grateful to be here with James

today. Please help us to teach and discuss with clarity and that we will feel prompted to make

good changes in our lives through our conversation. Please help James overcome his addictions

and anxieties so he can follow you without fear. Bless him with strength and peace. This we pray

for in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.”

“Amen.” Sister Bishop and I echoed. Reverence radiated from my surroundings like

sunshine, and just as warm. I will forever be amazed that there are people who pray for me, who

pray with me. In past churches and congregations no one would do anything more than glance at

me. Many of those Christians hardly did more than that.

“Yesterday we were talking about overcoming addictions through Jesus Christ and we

challenged you to have a day without smoking. Were you able to do it? How did you feel?”

“I-” My eyes closed and I let out a long exhale. Following up on the invitation they gave

me was a regular occurance, but failure never was easy to admit, “I did smoke today. But I was

able to wait a lot longer than I usually do! It was hard, but… I don’t know. It felt nice. I don’t

know how to describe it.”

“James, that's amazing! Those little steps make a difference.” Sister Jarman encouraged,

“We’re excited to talk about fasting today. Fasting is not eating or drinking for 24 hours as a

sacrifice for God. We believe that God recognizes that sacrifice and will bless you with whatever

things you need, like strength, comfort, or even for blessings to go to other people.”
 “Fasting is like calling down power from heaven,” Sister Bishop continued, “and today

we fasted for you.”

I caught my breath at those words. There’s another act no one has ever done for me

before. What is with these people? Immediately tears welled up and I felt something I haven’t

felt in a long, long time: love. An unconditional, motivating, and connecting feeling of love.

“We know you can overcome this addiction,” Sister Bishop resumed, “and we wanted the

power of heaven to be with you. I know that God will help because we fasted for you. It’s a hard

sacrifice, but we wanted to invite you to sacrifice too. If this is something you really want, He

will help.”

The tears wouldn’t stop as I entered full ugly cry mode. Through the water works I saw

my Sisters smiling gently at me. I knew that this love wasn’t just from them. It was a heavenly,

eternal kind of feeling. I don’t know what it was, but there was more to these girls and to Jenny

than all of the other congregations combined. Without words to say I stepped out of the camera

for a moment. Grabbing a fistful of tissues and my last box of cigarettes I stepped back into

frame and did the only thing I could think of. Filled with love and the power of heaven, I

crumpled up the box with my remaining 4 cigarettes. Yes, I knew exactly how many were left

because I was going to savor those last four.

I guess God wanted me to savor things more worth my while.