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Lauren Andrade

Mrs. McKay

IB ELA 11

5 December 2021

What Does It Mean to “Be a Man” in Our Society?

Everyone has heard the phrase, one way or another, to “be a man”, whether it was told to

someone they know or themselves. It is such a common phrase in our society that it naturally

comes out in certain situations; many people don’t even think twice about telling someone to “be

a man”. However, many people don’t realize just how damaging this three-letter phrase is, as it

not only creates a negative stereotype and societal expectation on what a man should be, but it

also shapes how men feel they should behave and act.

Beginning in their infancy, males are expected to be “manly” or “masculine” by their

parents and others, consciously or not. In his 1988 book I Don’t Want to Talk About It:

Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression, psychologist Terry Real emphasized how

many studies demonstrated parents often unconsciously projecting “manliness” on their male

infants due to their gender. Even though all infants start with the same qualities, both genders

being emotional, needy, and demonstrative, parents tend to view their children through a

gendered lens, which have developed through experience and past and current expectations by

society. Boys tend to be seen as “stronger” while girls are seen as “softer”; similarly, when

people see a video of the same baby crying while provided with differing gender information,

they assume the baby is angry when “male” and scared when “female” (Holloway). This is

significant because it shows how, even when society doesn’t intend to judge people based on

their gender, it occurs unintentionally due to the ingrained expectations of males and females.
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Males are naturally expected to suppress their feelings as they wouldn’t “be a man” if they were

open about their emotions; being expressive about feelings doesn’t fit into the picture of a

“man”. However, many don’t realize how vast the consequences of unconscious or conscious

expectations on males are. Due to the expectations of their parents and society from the moment

they were born, males start conforming themselves to the standards that have been set for them.

Even though they are still too young to understand why they are acting a certain way, boys are

intelligent enough to realize that they have to fit societal expectations in order to be accepted,

and the only way to do that is to “be a man”. So, they mold themselves into what society wants

them to be because they don’t feel as though they have a choice since there was never another

option presented to them. All boys have been told when they are younger to “be masculine” and

“be a man”, but they themselves don’t even know what a man is, so they teach themselves what

it is through observation, leading to an infinite loop of conformity of males to society’s

standards.

These definitions of masculinity and what men are continue to affect males throughout

their whole lives, with the only difference being more understanding. When they are boys, males

don’t realize the stereotypes being forced upon them by society, their parents, and the media.

Eventually, they end up realizing that much of what they are doing is contradictory to

themselves: they hide when they are in pain, act strong when feeling weak, and lie when trying

not to cry. Consequently, many try to escape the man trap, but they never end up slipping away

without a scar. They are so used to wearing “an ill-fitting coat” that there will always be a doubt

in their minds when they attempt to do something that defies stereotypical manliness. For

example, when Paul Theroux wanted to be a writer, he, at first, found it impossible to admit to

himself that he wanted to be a writer as his dream was “incompatible with being a man”
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(Theroux). This supports how, even though he, like many other men, want to branch out of the

constraints of masculinity, they still couldn’t escape all of society’s clutches due to the rooted

belief that men shouldn’t be a certain way. Additionally, it shows how the idea of “being a man”

hinders men in their daily lives. Theroux wanted to be a writer, but he had convinced himself

from pursuing that occupation as he wouldn’t be a man if he followed his interests, all of which

emphasizes how “being a man” can cause people to deny themselves because they feel that they

would otherwise be ostracized by society.

Yet, there are even more consequences of “being a man” that are even more harmful than

denying oneself. One part of the male stereotype is that they are strong, allowing them to handle

pain much better than women. As a result, males who identified themselves as being more

masculine, as shown through a study conducted by Diana Sanchez and Mary S. Himmelstein (the

former a psychology professor and the latter a doctoral candidate), were the least likely to seek

preventive care and the most likely to delay the care they need (Ferdman). This illustrates how

men that identify themselves as “men” will act in certain ways to fulfill the “man stereotype”,

including underreporting pain and delaying help, and how this behavior of “being a man” can

lead to fatal repercussions just because of a certain societal expectation.

However, that doesn’t mean that all men are influenced to fit into the male stereotype

when told to “be a man”. Many men have realized how harmful society’s expectations of their

gender are to themselves as well as others, so they work towards fixing the problem by first

bettering themselves. Especially in today’s society, more men are breaking through the walls of

“masculinity” and instead embracing what they identify with and who they want to be. For

example, Justin Baldoni, a famous actor, wanted to escape from the restrictions of “masculinity”

and talk about a serious issue he was experiencing, so he planned a three-day trip with his guy
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friends to discuss his problem with them. Although he knew that he wanted to talk about the

issue with them, Baldoni was “paralyzed by fear” as he felt that his friends would judge him as

sharing feelings is “unmanly”. Eventually, he ended up discussing his issues on the end of the

third day, and he realized that he wasn’t the only one struggling with problems: his friends are

struggling as well (Baldoni 7:05). This supports how many males want to escape society’s

expectations of a “man” and be themselves, and many are working towards doing that.

Nonetheless, even for the men defying these negative stereotypes, it is difficult for them to fully

escape the grasps of “being a man” since the idea of the perfect man has been thrust into their

everyday lives since they were infants.

Therefore, when males are told to “be men”, society is pushing them towards an artificial

version of themselves, leading to disastrous consequences that not only enforce the “ideal man”

stereotype, but also persuade men to conform to an unrealistic stereotype. To solve this issue,

we, as a society, need to work towards becoming more accepting of the fact that men don’t need

to fit a stereotype. Also, we need to stop teaching males that they have to fit a certain societal

expectation by consciously monitoring what we say to boys when they are younger and by men

exhibiting conflicting images to the “ideal man” stereotype . As Joe Ehrmann, coach and former

NFL player, stated, “the three most destructive words that every man receives when he’s a boy is

when he’s told to ‘be a man’” (Holloway).

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Works Cited

Baldoni, Justin. “Why I’m Done Trying to Be ‘Man Enough.’” TED, Dec. 2017,

https://www.ted.com/talks/justin_baldoni_why_i_m_done_trying_to_be_man_enough.

Accessed 10 Dec. 2021.

Ferdman, Roberto A. The perils of being manly, The Washington Post, 28 Mar. 2016,

www.washingtonpost.com/news/wonk/wp/2016/03/28/what-happens-when-a-manly-

man-has-to-go-to-the-doctor/. Accessed 5 Dec. 2021

Holloway, Kali. Toxic masculinity is killing men: The roots of male trauma, salon, 12 June 2015,

www.salon.com/2015/06/12/toxic_masculinity_is_killing_men_the_roots_of_male_trau

ma_partner/. Accessed 5 Dec. 2021.

Theroux, Paul. “Being a Man.” The Language Composition. 3rd ed. Shea, Renée H. et al. New

York: Bedford/ St. Martin’s, 2018. 952-954. Print.