Believe You’re Deserving

By Margarita Tartakovsky, M.S.

For many of us being kind to ourselves is hard. It’s hard even when we’re struggling — and
need compassion most. Instead, we get mad. We tell ourselves to buck up. We wonder why
we’re so weak. We criticize and hurl insults. We withhold our favorite things — telling
ourselves that we don’t deserve to participate in enjoyable activities, because after all, we
screwed up everything.

But the good news is that we can learn to cultivate self-compassion. Which is vital. Self-
compassion helps us to meet life’s challenges in a supportive way, said Amy Finlay-Jones,
Ph.D, a compassion teacher and researcher who specializes in self-compassion. In fact,
according to research, self-compassion has a measurable effect on our mental health and
well-being, she said. (See here and here.)

Self-compassion is “the intentional cultivation of a relationship with oneself that is respectful,

kind and compassionate,” said Celedra Gildea, Ph.D, a psychotherapist in Portland, Ore.,
who leads Mindful Self-Compassion, Compassion Cultivation Training and Mindfulness
groups. Below are six ways you can start cultivating self-compassion, even if you’ve been
berating yourself for years.

Reduce disparaging times, and up kind moments

Simply notice when you feel most self-critical and aggressive toward yourself, Finlay-Jones
said. Maybe it’s when you’re tired or overworked. Maybe it’s when you’re spending too
much time on social media. “Whatever it is, see if you can refrain from it a little.”

Also, pay attention to the times you feel nourished and comfortable with yourself, she said.
This might be when you’re taking a walk in nature or hanging out with friends or working on
a creative project. “Whatever it is, see if you can cultivate a little more of it in your life.”

This can give us more space to be gentle and curious with ourselves, Finlay-Jones said.

Take a self-compassion break

Gildea suggested trying an exercise created by self-compassion researcher Kristin Neff,

which helps us recognize and soothe our suffering. Put your hand on your heart or any
place that feels comforting.

Simply say, “This hurts” or “This is suffering.” Next, say something that acknowledges that
you’re part of a community of people struggling, such as: “I’m not alone” or “We all struggle
in our lives.” Lastly, offer yourself some kindness, such as: “May I be kind to myself,” “May I
accept myself as I am,” or “May I be patient.”

Speak tender words — like you would to a child or your child

“Many of us think that we don’t have the capacity or words to give ourselves compassion,”
Gildea said. She shared a powerful story that reveals we do. Gildea was volunteering at a
women’s abuse shelter, trying to teach a group of women the self-compassion break.
Because of all the pain they’d endured, they couldn’t find any words of compassion for
themselves.

Suddenly, there was a knock at the door. Another volunteer brought in a baby who was
crying. The mom took her baby into her arms and started whispering loving words, like:
“Don’t you worry sweet one, we are going to be OK. I’m right here and no one is going to
hurt you anymore.” She was able to effortlessly shower her child with compassion.

“Deeply touched, we all put our hands on [our] hearts and spoke the same words of
compassion, imagining our little child sitting next to our adult selves safely in our hearts,”
Gildea said. “They had found the key.” You can try the same.

Try this loving meditation

Another way to start practicing self-compassion is by bringing to mind a loved one and
noticing the feelings of love and warmth that tend to arise, Finlay-Jones said. “Step-by-step,
we become more skillful at mobilizing this capacity, so that after a time, we are more able to
include ourselves in the circle of compassion.”

Pay attention to how you’re practicing

“Self-compassion is not about self-improvement,” Finlay-Jones said. She stressed the

importance of paying attention to how you’re practicing self-compassion. Do you have an
attitude of impatience or harshness? Are you being considerate and comforting?

Many of her clients share long lists of self-care practices they’ve tried. These lists might
include everything from yoga to psychotherapy to meditation to running. Yet, they feel
anything but cared for. Instead, they feel exhausted, overwhelmed, anxious or depressed,
Finlay-Jones said. “This is often because they are demanding and aggressive with
themselves in the process — treating themselves as though they are a problem to be fixed,
and self-care is the solution.”

To be truly self-compassionate, she noted, it’s important to work on acknowledging that we

are all acceptable exactly as we are.

Delve into your needs and values

Self-compassion goes deeper than supporting ourselves in the moment. According to

Finlay-Jones, it “involves understanding what our deeper needs and values are, and
aligning our behavior accordingly.” For instance, one deeper need all of us have is
connection. As she writes in this piece, you might meet this need by spending time with
friends, playing with your pet, listening to music, and helping others.

You might be thinking, but what if I don’t deserve self-compassion? What if I don’t feel
worthy or loveable or deserving of kindness?
As Finlay-Jones said, start practicing anyway. “[S]elf-compassion is so important precisely
because we don’t feel worthy, or deserving, or loveable. There is, therefore, no better time
to start.”

Cultivating Self-Compassion
By Margarita Tartakovsky, M.S.
When something has gone wrong, when there’s been a mistake made, no matter how
small, many people are all too quick to point the finger — at themselves.

They flog themselves for any failure, letting their self-esteem bend and bow at the face of
disappointments and triumphs. For many, self-esteem is shaky at best.

But there’s something you can build that’s more substantial than self-esteem. Something
that doesn’t waver and can actually boost your well-being — and your performance isn’t a
factor.

According to psychologist Kristin Neff, Ph.D, in her book Self-Compassion: Stop Beating
Yourself Up and Leave Insecurity Behind, that something is self-compassion. Being self-
compassionate means that whether you win or lose, surpass your sky-high expectations or
fall short, you still extend the same kindness and sympathy toward yourself, just like you
would a good friend.

Again, cultivating self-compassion is good for us. Research has shown that people who are
self-compassionate about their imperfections have a greater well-being than people who
judge themselves.

According to Neff, self-compassion consists of three components: self-kindness, common

humanity and mindfulness. Because most of us have a tough time with all three, I wanted to
share what each component means along with a simple exercise from the book to develop
each one.

Self-Kindness

In the book, Neff writes that self-kindness “means that we stop the constant self-judgment
and disparaging internal commentary that most of us have come to see as normal.” (Sound
familiar?) That instead of condemning our mistakes, we try to understand them. That
instead of continuing to criticize ourselves, we see just how damaging self-criticism is. And
that we actively comfort ourselves.

Self-compassion means “recogniz[ing] that everyone has times when they blow it, and
treat[ing] ourselves kindly.” Self-criticism damages our well-being. It leads to tension and
anxiety. On the other hand, self-kindness leads to calmness, security and contentment, Neff
explains.
Exercise. This might seem silly or strange at first, but when you’re upset, give yourself a
hug or gently rock your body. Your body will respond to the physical warmth and care, Neff
says. (Imagining a hug works, too.) In fact, hugging yourself actually has soothing benefits.

According to Neff, “research indicates that physical touch releases oxytocin [“hormone of
love and bonding”], provides a sense of security, soothes distressing emotions and calms
cardiovascular stress.”

Common Humanity

Common humanity is recognizing the common human experience. As Neff writes, it’s
different from self-acceptance or self-love, and both also are incomplete. Compassion
acknowledges others, and even more so, it acknowledges that we are all fallible. That we
are all interconnected and that we all suffer. In fact, compassion means “to suffer with,” Neff
writes.

Neff applied this realization to her own life when she found out that her son has autism.
“Instead of feeling ‘poor me,’ I would try to open my heart to all parents everywhere who
were trying to do their best in challenging circumstances…I certainly wasn’t the only one
having a hard time.”

Taking on this perspective led to two things, she says: She considered the unpredictability
of being human, that being a parent has its ups and downs, its challenges and joys. She
also considered that other parents have it far worse.

Self-compassion also helps you act. “The real gift of self-compassion, in fact, was that it
gave me the equanimity needed to take actions that did ultimately help [my son].”

Neff concludes the chapter with these inspiring words:

“Being human is not about being any one particular way; it is about being as life creates
you—with your own particular strengths and weaknesses, gifts and challenges, quirks and
oddities. By accepting and embracing the human condition, I could better accept and
embrace Rowan and also my role as the mother of an autistic child.”

Exercise. Think about a trait that you often criticize yourself for and “is an important part of
your self-definition,” such as being a shy or lazy person. Then answer these questions:

1. How often do you show this trait? Who are you when you don’t show it? “Are you still you?”
2. Do certain circumstances bring out this trait? “Does this trait really define you if particular
circumstances must be present in order for the trait to emerge?”
3. What circumstances have led to you having this trait, such as childhood experiences or genetics?
“If these ‘outside’ forces were partly responsible for you having this trait, is it accurate to think
of the trait as reflecting the inner you?”
4. Do you have a choice in showing this trait? Did you choose to have this trait in the first place?
5. What if you “reframe your self-description”? Neff uses the example of reframing “I am an angry
person” to “Sometimes, in certain circumstances, I get angry.” Neff asks: “By not identifying so
 strongly with this trait, does anything change? Can you sense any more space, freedom, peace
of mind?”

Mindfulness

Mindfulness is clearly seeing and accepting what’s happening right now—without judgment,
Neff writes. “The idea is that we need to see things as they are, no more, no less, in order to
respond to our current situation in the most compassionate—and therefore effective—
manner.”

Mindfulness gives us perspective. Most of us, though, are used to focusing on our flaws,
which easily distorts our view and saps any self-compassion. As Neff says, we can “become
completely absorbed by our perceived flaws.” This means that we miss our suffering
altogether. “In that moment, we don’t have the perspective needed to recognize the
suffering caused by our feelings of imperfection, let alone to respond to them with
compassion.”

When something goes wrong, Neff writes, we need to stop for several breaths,
acknowledge that we’re going through a difficult time and also recognize that we deserve to
respond to our pain in a caring way.

Exercise. One helpful way to promote mindfulness is with a practice called noting. That is,
you note everything you think, feel, hear, smell and sense. To do this, Neff suggests picking
a comfortable spot and sitting down for 10 to 20 minutes. Acknowledge each thought,
feeling or sensation and just go on to the next one. Neff gives the following examples: “itch
in left foot,” “excitement,” “plane flying overhead.”

If you get lost in thought, like if you start planning tomorrow’s breakfast, simply say “lost in
thought” to yourself. According to Neff, “This skill offers a big payoff in terms of allowing us
to be more fully engaged in the present, and it also provides us with the mental perspective
needed to deal with challenging situations effectively.”

Cultivating self-compassion may not be easy, but it’s no doubt a worthwhile, empowering
and liberating way to live your life.