HOW DOES THE ESSAY "LEARNING TO

BE A MOTHER” RATIONALIZES
MOTHERHOOD ?
Shashi Deshpande is an Indian author of international repute who has produced an array of woman-centered works. Her works
include ‘That Long Silence', ‘The Binding Vine', ‘Small Remedies', ‘If I Die Today'…. She wrote a story called 'Death of a Child' in which
a woman decides to abort an unwanted fetus. Later, she wrote a novel, 'The Dark Holds No Terror' which has a mother daughter
conflict at it’s core. Both are fully devoid of sentimentality. Her novel don’t portray the stereotyped images of soft, pliable, loving
mothers. Portrayal of mothers in it’s very real form is the prior essence of her works.

The autobiographical piece of writing 'Learning to be a Mother' is a sharp indictment of the patriarchal social structure that imposes
certain roles on woman, that restricts their potential within the four walls of house. She differentiates -the ideal version from the
real version- of the actual struggles that a woman undergoes on being a mom. She says that a childbirth, which is supposed to be a
joyous process, actually is such a hideously painful one that compels a woman to savagely howl in pain. This physical struggle is
rewarded with stretch marks to remember for a lifetime. There is nothing real as claimed by ideal mom worshippers; nothing could
change a common woman to be a godly one who radiates love, nobility and goodness; there isn't any supernatural powers that
automatically arises with the arrival of a baby. The ability to sacrifice, which is often associated with motherhood, doesn't take birth
along with the birth of a baby. She says that even breastfeeding is not a natural capability; it is a skill which has to be learnt and
cultivated by experience. There isn’t any process of ‘personality-shedding’ after being a mom. She is the same individual who has
lived and developed for years, before becoming a mom. Motherhood is something that can’t be calibrated. It is neither sacred nor
holy; it’s a natural process to attain nature’s goal – birth and survival .

Everything that we had related to motherhood till now, was actually just the fake pictures, constructed by the society- a society
which believes too much in praising the ideal versions- the ideal versions that are created by giving a human appearance to the
traditional gender roles. Its good to remember that we all are a part of this same society and this theme has dug up so deep within
us that if we are given a chance to at least define the word MOM, we go on surfing dictionaries to check out whether there exists a
word that is a combination all positive words. In reality, moms too have their own demerits. It shouldn’t be neglected. They need not
be so loving, caring and sacrificing. They too are human beings who came to this planet alike all of us, not angels from the land of
Gods to be perfect enough to never err. At times, they can also be unjust and unfair. They often pluck out the unfulfilled desires
from themselves, in the name of motherhood, plant it over the fertile minds of their innocent ones and then eagerly wait for those
to blossom in them. This becomes a threat to the child’s own desire, eventually leading to chaos between the both. Once it was the
umbilical cord was that linked the mom to the child, but later this ‘sacrifice' replaces that link and this controls the child like a tether
rope tied up around him . They don’t want their children as the way they are; instead they want them as the way they are not ;
precisely like the ideal version of a child which they built up within themselves due to a feeling of an extreme sense of
belongingness. All these don’t seem to be so heavenly. These are the common truths, yet these are depicted very rarely; and if
depicted, all these will be exaggerated from another angle of love. This ideal picture of moms have developed so highly that it has
became a part of our mindset, directly or indirectly – that we often forget to see the woman in her

In reality, moms themselves try hard over this impossible mission of bringing the virtual ‘perfect ideal-mom’ image to reality,
because the surroundings, including her own family, always judge her as a MOTHER , neither as a WOMAN nor as a HUMAN BEING.
And a mother is always given a set of unwritten rules with a group of do's and don'ts. Indeed, there are many moms who have a
hard time trying to accomplish everything. In reality, looking after their children, either too much or not at all.., both can spoil the
child. They themselves take the blame for all the happenings with their kids as well as with the household and carry it everywhere all
around, over their heads. To avoid this, a woman must give priority to herself as a human being first; and then as a mother. A
mother should never sacrifice her desires; instead she must expand them, chase them and should work hard to achieve them; by
fighting against the norms to create a stronger identity that is defined by efforts, rather than by a surname. Let the coming
generations inherit the ‘nuggets of real wisdom' about motherhood, rather than imagining the cartoons of virtual moms.