3 months into my Hachshara, I told my parents I wanted to stay in Israel for

another year and do the army. It wasn’t some sort of opening tactical gambit
that would ultimately allow me to continue learning in yeshiva. It was a well
thought out position from an ideological eighteen year old who felt that his
shared commitment and obligation to Israel shouldn’t allow him to return to a
life of parties and socializing in Leeds while his friends were hunkering down
in the mud of South Lebanon, to be downing Tequilas as they were downing
Hezbollah…

Partly due to my parents wishes (how can an only child give his mother a year
of sleepless nights?) and partly to do with my own fears (If even my Israeli
friends are telling me I am crazy, do I really need to be chasing danger?) I
returned to England 9 months later. Most of the time I try not to think that
August ’99 to Aug 2000 was the safest year to be in the IDF or how an extra
year in Israel at that age would have changed me. I like to feel like I did some
sort of service – that I was active on campus, taught youth about Zionism,
worked for the Israeli Embassy, that I made my own sacrifices for things I
believe are right.

But as all roads in life not taken, the shadow of the decision sometimes weighs
on me.

As Yom Hazikaron approaches, I always feel a tinge of regret.

Its not that I mourn the fact that I don’t have someone close to mourn– in fact
I’m thankful for it.
It’s not that I don’t find meaning in the ceremonies; I do.

Its not that I don’t have those to remember; Unfortunately I do.

It’s more that I feel that there’s something missing from my experience of
living here – like most people are part of a club whose entrance may be
prohibitive, but if you’re not in you don’t really belong.

Yehuda Amichai wrote that

‘Of three or four in a room,

there is always one who stands beside the window.
He must see the evil among thorns…
And how people who went out of their houses whole
are given back in the evening like small change.’

I don’t want to be the person who always stands beside the window and sees
evil among thorns. Yet for one day a year, when Israelis unite to remember the
fallen – like the kid from high school caught up in the café bombing or the
inspirational madrich heroically killed saving others or the friend’s older
brother killed from friendly fire or the neighbor’s first husband shot in the
early hours of the Yom Kippur War – people who went out of their houses
whole yet never returned, or saw the horrors of war and came back like small
change…I remember too – but my memory is not that of someone in the inner
circle.
And what does one do when the country you have tied your destiny in with
turns into one big room, and you find yourself looking in from the outside?