EXERCISE 11.4 MAKING YOUR OWN DECISIONS When you develop a habit of dependence on others, you commonly avoid making your own decisions. You postpone or project responsibility for decisions onto others. Often, this pattern extends to even the small decisions of daily living, such as what time to eat, what meal to prepare, what time to go to bed, or whether to make a small purchase. 1. Decisions I Have Let Others Make: List five decisions that you have avoided making in the recent past. A. B. c. D. E Decisions I Will Make: List four decisions you will make in the near future without seeking out unnecessary reassurance and direction from others. A. Positive Self-Talk: List’ four positive messages you can give to yourself that will help you make decisions more confidently (e.g., I am_a capable person, I have the intelligence necessary to make reasonable decisions, I have researched this issue enough to make an informed and logical decision), DEPENDENCY 103EXERCISE 11.8 SATISFYING UNMET EMOTIONAL NEEDS All human beings have emotional needs that they want to have fulfilled. When these needs are not satisfied, we feel sad, depressed, lonely, hurt, disappointed, or even worthless. This exercise will help you identify and specify what needs of yours aro unmet and will help you design a plan of action by doing something constructive. ‘Too often, people rely on others or life's circumstances to get their needs met and they are disappointed. It is a much healthier approach to do everything you can to assert yourself and arrange your world in such a way that your needs get met through the actions or requests that you make of other people. ‘To be completely dependent on others makes you vulnerable to hurt and disappointment, and it denies your own capabilities and resources to get your needs met. Unmet Emotional Needs 1. Review the list of common emotional needs and place an X next to the ones that you feel are not met in your life, There are three blank ines for you to write in any unmet noods of yours that were loft off the list. 1. To feel loved unconditionally by at least a few people. 2, To got recognition for accomplishments, 8. Tobe touched, patted, and hugged affectionately. __— 4. ‘To be encouraged to do your hest 5 6. Hi . ‘Lo be listened to, understood, and heard. . ‘To feel supported when feeling hurt, weak, or vulnerable, . To be praised and rewarded for your effort to do the right thing. . To be treated with respect even if you disagree with someone. ). To be forgiven when you do something wrong. 10. To feel accepted even with your faults or shortcomings. 11. ‘To be asked to join others in social gatherings. 12. ‘To be trusted and believed when telling your side of a story. 13. ‘To have friends you can trust. 14. To have some talent or ability that gets you recognition and builds self- esteem. DEPENDENCY 105EXERCISE __ 15, Po fest accepted and loved by God 16, To be treated fairly, equally and given an opportunity to succeed. “11, To feel capable of competing adequately against others. ‘1g, To feel your physical appearanc® js reasonably attractive. 19, To have someone believe in YoU" capabilities. 20, To fool you fit in with & groUP of friends. dead sa ae aaa 22. Sa ee ences eae 23. Ss ese eee a 3, You must not rely entirely on others to meet Yate needs. Next to your top four Tunmet needs, write one of LW things you could do to help yourself movo closer £0 getting your needs met ‘Perhaps your therapist can help you identify things you Ben do to help yourself. Write rpot dates for completing fhe steps you can take Unmet Need Steps You Can Take target Dates See ee a ee Saeseennae eee 496 DEPENDENCY3. Write out the consequences of the actions that satisfy your own needs, EXERCISE 11.8 you have taken to help yourself DEPENDENCY 107EXERCISE TAKING STEPS TOWARD INDEPENDENCE Fear and lack of confidence can thwart the normal development of independence. You may look to others to make decisions for you while you seek to please them in any possible way, even if it means taking over activities that clearly belong as the responsibility of others. Explore your fears and ways to overcome those fears by increasing independent actions. 1. Fear of Disappointing Others: This is a common fear that inhibits the growth of independence. Describe circumstances in your past that could have taught you to expect that you will disappoint others when you make a decision to act. 2. Fear of Failure: Describe incidents in your past that contribute to your expectation of failure when you take independent action. DEPENDENCY 109EXERCISE 11.C ‘of Abandonment: What family or social circumstances havo caused yout y try to please them? Fear Foar that others will leave you alone if you do not constant Independent Actions: List actions you can take that will help you overcome your fears and increase your independence. Give a date for implementation. Action Date A. B. 10 DEPENDENCY